BEST OF HMS PODCAST - COMBINED SEGMENTS - Thursday - 01-02-25

Summary

Holmberg's Morning Sickness - Arizona: Best of HMS Podcast - Combined Segments (Thursday - 01-02-25)

Release Date: January 2, 2025

Arizona's premier morning radio show, Holmberg's Morning Sickness on 98 KUPD, brings you the best of John Holmberg and his dynamic team—Brady Bogan, Bret Vesely, and Dick Toledo—in this compilation episode. Packed with humor, intriguing discussions, and entertaining anecdotes, this episode covers a variety of topics that are sure to engage and amuse listeners. Below is a comprehensive summary of the key segments from the episode.

---

1. Ball Pit Catastrophes and Hygiene Concerns

The show kicks off with a darkly humorous recounting of a listener's disturbing experience at a ball pit. John Holmberg shares an email detailing how a young child retrieved a tampon from a ball pit at a San Diego fast-food restaurant, leading to severe knee injuries and subsequent PTSD.

John Holmberg [03:49]: "His kid got a tampon in his head. Of course he's got PTSD. We're done talking about BS west now."

The hosts delve into the unsanitary conditions of ball pits, expressing their disgust and emphasizing the need for rigorous daily cleaning to prevent such incidents. They humorously speculate on the types of contaminants that might lurk in these supposedly fun-filled environments.

Dick Toledo [07:14]: "Why would you even think about it? There's tampons in it. Yuck."

2. Disdain for Hair-Free Resolutions

A lively debate ensues about the January trend of women making resolutions to stop shaving. The hosts, particularly John Holmberg, voice their strong aversion to unshaven women, using exaggerated and humorous rhetoric to express their disapproval.

John Holmberg [35:58]: "I want those to announce themselves. I'm a non-shaven lady. Oh, thank God for announcing that you're someone I'll never want to deal with in my life."

Brady Bogan attempts to mediate the conversation, but the hosts remain steadfast in their comedic critique of these grooming choices.

3. Skepticism Toward Urban Legends

The discussion shifts to popular myths like Bigfoot and the Loch Ness Monster. John Holmberg and his co-hosts express their skepticism, questioning the existence of such creatures due to the lack of concrete evidence like bones.

John Holmberg [25:49]: "And there'd be multiple. And you'd find some bones. And then. So I presented the idea like, well, what about bones?"

They humorously dismiss believers, equating Bigfoot enthusiasts with other conspiracy theory proponents.

John Holmberg [23:50]: "Bigfoot buyers and flat Earthers are exactly the same to me."

4. Moon Landing Conspiracy Theories

The hosts explore theories questioning the authenticity of the moon landings. John Holmberg ponders whether the U.S. truly achieved moon landings despite technological advancements and international interest.

John Holmberg [29:15]: "I don't think anybody else wants to stay with that. It was a money battle, and we had to win it, or Russia gets all the future deals."

Their humorous take suggests that continuous international efforts to reach the moon might indicate that the original missions were never completed.

Dick Toledo [31:40]: "Maybe they've passed around, you know, there's been so much stolen moon rock."

5. Guest Segment with Frank Caliendo

In an entertaining interlude, comedian Frank Caliendo joins the show, engaging in a playful singing game with the hosts. The segment is filled with improvisational humor as Frank attempts to guess television theme songs based on the hosts' cues.

Brady Bogan [99:31]: "Different strokes."

Despite the fun, the segment occasionally veers into absurdity, highlighting the show's unique blend of humor and spontaneity.

6. Quicksand Myths and Outdoor Anecdotes

The conversation turns to the myth of quicksand, debunking its portrayal in Hollywood. John Holmberg shares personal anecdotes about potential quicksand locations and the challenges of navigating such terrains.

John Holmberg [81:19]: "Where's quicksand? It looks the same as dirt, but then you'll get on and it's like ice. The whole ground will start moving."

The hosts humorously discuss strategies for escaping quicksand, blending factual information with comedic exaggeration.

7. Randall Byrd: The Worst Person of 2023

John Holmberg introduces a segment highlighting “Randall Byrd” as the worst person of the year, weaving a fictional narrative about his misdeeds, including trespassing and disrespectful behavior.

John Holmberg [51:38]: "Worst person of 2023 in Phoenix."

The segment serves as a satirical take on negative press, showcasing the hosts' ability to craft entertaining stories.

8. Advertising Segments Skipped

Throughout the episode, various advertisements promote local businesses and services. Following the show's guidelines, these segments are excluded from the summary to maintain focus on the main content.

---

Conclusion

This best-of episode of Holmberg's Morning Sickness masterfully combines humor with relatable topics, from child safety in recreational areas to lighthearted debates on societal trends. The inclusion of guest appearances and engaging discussions on urban myths and conspiracy theories adds depth and variety to the show. Whether you're a long-time listener or new to the program, this compilation offers a hearty dose of Arizona's #1 morning radio entertainment.

---

Notable Quotes:

• John Holmberg [03:49]: "His kid got a tampon in his head. Of course he's got PTSD. We're done talking about BS west now."
• John Holmberg [25:49]: "And there'd be multiple. And you'd find some bones. And then."
• Brady Bogan [99:31]: "Different strokes."
• John Holmberg [29:15]: "I don't think anybody else wants to stay with that."
• Dick Toledo [07:14]: "Why would you even think about it? There's tampons in it. Yuck."

Note: All timestamps correspond to the transcript provided and are approximate for reference.

Transcript

[John Holmberg]

All right, HMS Podcast, time again to let you know where to go for some great comedy in the Valley this week. Get out to the Tempe Improv on the east side to see Paul Versey on Thursday and Beth Stelling Friday, Saturday and Sunday. The Desert Ridge Improv up North features Sarah Weinschenk this Thursday and Joe DeRosa on Friday and Saturday. And downtown at Stand Up Live, check out the very funny Lil Rel performing Friday, Saturday and Sunday for the complete lineups. And for tickets, go to standuplive.com desertridgeimprov.com and tempeimprov.com it's John Holberg here. For the amazing people at the Core Institute, life can throw you a curveball now and again. One day you're trucking along, feeling great. Next day your dog smashes into your head and knocks you cold. Or like a KUPD listener told me this week, his dog did a sprint across the backyard directly into the side of his wife's leg and blew her knee up. She needed that need to get fixed and fixed right. Two years later, she's running like she used to again. And it's all thanks to the Core Institute. I went through it too, and you can get rid of your pain and start saying yes, I can to all the things you want to do. And and all you have to do is trust the experts at the Core Institute. Head there right now. The Core Institute.com college hoops are here, and there's no better place to catch the action than Hooters. Fuel up with the baller bundle. 10 boneless wings, crispy fries, dressing and a fountain drink starting at just $9.99. Want to level up your game day experience?

[Brady Bogan]

Swap the fountain drink for a Beat.

[John Holmberg]

The Buzzer special featuring your choice of.

[Dick Toledo]

Beatbox or Buzz balls for a low price.

[Brady Bogan]

This offer is for game days only.

[John Holmberg]

So grab your crew, enjoy the action, and feast on the flavors you Hooters.

[Brady Bogan]

The original wing joint since 1983.

[John Holmberg]

Hey, it's Larry McFeely here with Wayne from Amco and Wayne.

[Dick Toledo]

Now that it's getting warmer, I turned.

[John Holmberg]

On the AC in my car and the air's blowing.

[Dick Toledo]

Kind of cool, but it really smells like a basement.

[John Holmberg]

What can I do about that, Larry? Your car's AC system should be checked and serviced every year. Plus, replacing the cabin air filter helps.

[Brian Callan]

The air blow strong and takes away any nasty smell.

[John Holmberg]

Nice.

[Dick Toledo]

Is that a big deal to get done?

[John Holmberg]

Not at all.

[Brian Callan]

It takes about an hour and in.

[John Holmberg]

Most cases we can do it while you wait. That's awesome.

[Brian Callan]

I'll say we're Amco.

[John Holmberg]

Google Amco for your nearest location. That's Amco, Double A, mco Trans transmissions, and a whole lot more. Do not listen to this while driving or when full alertness is needed. The rest of homework's morning sickness. This is the big red radio. All right, we'll start with the emails that said, this is a good one right here. I got a dude who's mad at us, like, for. He's like, he's ready to go. This is the end of the show. I think he may be tongue in cheek, but we'll see. The other one said, this was just a guy talking about his holiday break. He said, hey, Holmberg, I always thought you were a bit of a weirdo when you talk about food and potlucks and how you won't eat at those and you have to, you know, humanity's disgusting and the toilet paper thing. He said, but long story short, I'm on your side now. My kid was in a ball pit at a fast food place in San Diego over Christmas break. If you're eating, by the way, stop. He was with his grandparents. I was two days out. I was going to head over. His grandparents took him to their place in San Diego. His grandpa noticed something in his hair after he got out of the ball pit in the car about an hour later and said, oh, it's a band aid. I sent a picture to my wife and I and it was covered in blobs of blood. But upon further inspection, after my wife noticed that it was a little bigger than a band aid, we recognized it wasn't a band aid, but it was most of a tampon that had been gently used and discarded into the pit. Never again. His grandparents refused to go back to tell the restaurant people to yell. And we were two days out from going over there. So I ended up going to the two days later and filled out some forms and a complaint. The boy has ptsd, by the way. So now I understand you just have.

[Dick Toledo]

To find a good ball pit.

[John Holmberg]

I understand what you're saying, Nathan. Look, kid's got a tampi on his head. Of course he's got ptsd. There are, I think. And I don't care what ball pit you're in, homemade or otherwise. There's rubbers and tampons. We're done talking about BS west now. Yeah, okay. Could you imagine a BS west ball pit? Oh, my God. It would be a bowl of cereal. It would just be a bunch of Lucky Charms and every. There would be Two balls in a sack in each. Like just loads of like. The ball pit would be the grossest place on the planet. Except for at fast food. Ball pits. You let your kids get in there, that's fine. But think about what's going on. And also not just that your kids are gross. And I know what parents always say, building immunity. Now it's disgusting. Your kids are gross. Booger hands sliding up and down those slides, pissy pants, unwashed butts. Just gross all the way around. But also the disgusting dirty employees that go in there and hose each other. And then clearly some lady who thought it would be funny should put a tampon in it. And keep in mind it wasn't the whole tampon. So it had gone through some wear and tear of ball pit maneuvering to where it tore a few spots and ended up with just the chunky middle stuck in some kid's hair, just bashed. Ball pits need to be daily. And it would raise the prices of burgers and fries to astronomical levels. But they need to be scoured daily. Each. The ball pit needs to. Every one of the balls needs to be funneled into a big wash system. Like a tick. UV thing. Yeah, well beyond the UV thing every ball goes into this giant bathtub of something and it needs to be cleaned out night.

[Dick Toledo]

That where they put combs in the barbershop.

[John Holmberg]

Blue goo. The blue goo. And all of it needs to go. And then you see what's at the bottom of the ball pit because I guarantee you a tampon that's been ripped and torn has been in there for possibly months. Ball pits. Why would you even think about it? See it? Go ahead, roll around in that thing. There's tampons in it. Evidently. I've heard of rubbers in ball pits because look, think of you. You're 17 years old. You're working with another 17 year old girl. You're closing up McDonald's, you're joking around. You push her in the ball pit. Ha ha ha. You're having some fun. Next thing you know you got a rubber and it's full. And what do you do with it? You put it in the bottom of the bulkhead. And you laugh and laugh and laugh because you know deep down no one.

[Dick Toledo]

Ever cleans this prank for the other employees.

[John Holmberg]

Well, no one's gonna find it. No decent human being puts their hand deep in.

[Dick Toledo]

Berg, you're on the ball pit today.

[John Holmberg]

I quit. I quit. Call an old yellow hand. Yeah, call John Rodriguez. Yellow hand. Or I would just. I would rather clean out the Ladies hygiene napkin box out of the thing with the bare hands. Then before I'd reach into a ball pit. They always smell like piss too, because that's what's in it. It's a bathroom for disgusting kids and parents who don't care anymore that drop them off and let that ball pit babysit. Let them go. The one that always drives me nuts is the. The one that's got the habit trail for kids that goes through the restaurant and stuff. Oh, it's gross.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah, those are tough. One thing I do the one time, you know, I remember going through Kirby, like to go into the chick fil A1 and the other.

[John Holmberg]

And so did you.

[Dick Toledo]

If she. Oh, yeah, because it's downtime. Sit there and hang out.

[John Holmberg]

Enjoy your chicken.

[Dick Toledo]

But if she gets stuck up in the tube or gets freaked out.

[John Holmberg]

Stuck in the tube, was she Augustus Gloop?

[Dick Toledo]

Not that stuck in the way that they. She gets injured and she's crying or something. She's at that age. I'm telling you, kids, they freeze up there if they get in the tube. In the tube. And then the parent has to go up there and get them. Were you one wasn't happy.

[John Holmberg]

Did Kirby get stuck in the tube?

[Dick Toledo]

You get injured in that tube, you cry.

[Brian Callan]

Right?

[Dick Toledo]

Toughen up. You get out.

[John Holmberg]

First and foremost, you're not the guy going in the tube after. There's no way. Oh, yeah, that's like Judd Nelson in the Breakfast Club. You're coming through the ceiling. You're not going in the tube to rescue a child. If Kirby got stuck in there, there'd be a skeleton in there right now. You're not sending. Well, you gotta go get your daughter.

[Dick Toledo]

Excuse me, ma'am, could you get my daughter?

[John Holmberg]

I'm a boy, and you may have noticed that I'm still bedazzled with chicken.

[Brian Callan]

And I'm not leaving the table.

[Dick Toledo]

Usually you gotta find like a 12.

[John Holmberg]

Year old because at least they fit.

[Dick Toledo]

Go up there and get him.

[John Holmberg]

Daddy, I'm stuck in the tube of there. Sorry. Curba derbs. Daddy's eating.

[Dick Toledo]

Just let the pressure build up. It'll spit you out.

[John Holmberg]

I got three buckets of honey mustard I haven't dipped into yet.

[Brian Callan]

Three?

[John Holmberg]

Did she get stuck in a tube once? No. Oh, okay. No. Was it a fear of yours? Kids? No, kids do well. I know, but it was probably a fear of Brady's. More. Oh, she gets stuck. I can't.

[Dick Toledo]

It's a fear of having. Yeah, well, I'm not just going into that thing.

[John Holmberg]

I wouldn't do it my kids. First off, I'm not touching my kid or letting it back in the car after it's been in the tube in the first place.

[Dick Toledo]

So I tried to. I tried to find the tubeless playlands.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, you can't.

[Dick Toledo]

There's one on those grids. They're like blocks.

[John Holmberg]

They're like two foot high. Oh.

[Dick Toledo]

There'S always one on in Gilbert Williams, of course. McDonald's.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

Had a flat playland with the spongy floor.

[John Holmberg]

All right. It wasn't spongy when it started. It just so much moisture, piss, and feces that came out of kids. The floor started to give. Even playgrounds and stuff. Well, I'll never forget watching our mentally retarded neighbor, Brian. Hey, you guys, watch this. He discovered that in the swirly slide, he really enjoyed the way pee looked going down that swirly slide. And every day he'd be standing in that weird metal rocket shaped tube on the top of the stairs. You guys, we'd be playing basketball. Hey, Brian, put your pants. Brian, put your pants on like that. We don't. Oh, he's peeing on the slide and then he goes sliding down it. Ah, Toby.

[Dick Toledo]

Nestor liked the merry go round, but he didn't like the way the pee would run off it. He just couldn't help himself if you got him going in circles. He's wet in his pants.

[John Holmberg]

Gross. God, kids are gross. There isn't any way I could love one ever. Ever. They're just not. They're. Nothing about them is good. Yeah, and then you get this email and if you got a tampon in your kid's hair, I'm going Toledo's dad on that one. I'm stuffing him into a. He's going into a fireman's drawer and that's it. There's no coming back. Going out for smokes, huh? Oh, I'm going out for a whole carton of smokes and I'm telling them, hey, I'm going out for smokes and I'm not coming back. I'm not gonna be one of those dads that lies about it. Like, the reason why tampon in your hair. It's just. It's a deal breaker for me. Don't you love me? Not that much. I don't love anybody. If Brady showed up to work with half a tampon in his hair, I'm like, what was that? I was wrestling around in a pickleball court. Nah, I don't know. Okay, you're fired. I'm never gonna look at you again.

[Dick Toledo]

How do you not know that's in your head?

[John Holmberg]

Tampons stuck to your head, Daddy tampon. Oh, you're out. Corbett. Herb. Show of Kirby. I'm never gonna eat with her again because of the booger incident from when she was five. She was. She looked like Curly Neal. She had a basketball sized circular booger on her index finger tip. She was showing it to me to let me know the barbecued chips were hers. Which means that that was when she was aware. She pulled out the biggest booger I've ever seen. If Kirby's at a thing and there's community food, you think I'm post traumatic on that? Kirby's hands touch and I'm out. And she's probably clean now. I don't know. Maybe not. But forever. I'll associate those soulless dead eyes with that booger on her finger when it comes to food. Otherwise, she's fine. Just don't touch me. Still love your description of the twirl.

[Dick Toledo]

And I picture the taffy just wrapping around the fingers.

[John Holmberg]

It's like she was making cotton candy out of snot and looking dead at me. Hey, and Holden.

[Dick Toledo]

Dare you to touch the bag, old man.

[John Holmberg]

So much raised by Brady because she had. I just. I'll never forget barbecued chips, family size. And she's holding the whole bag. And the other finger had a green glob like. And it looked like the thing from the World Trade Center. Or not the World Trade Center. I can't even drink my coffee. No, no, throw it out. And just staring at me. And then reached right into the bag like, oh, that's it. And then my next question. Who made these sandwiches? Kirby Derbs and daddy. We're working. We're going to a restaurant. And Bunny and family self. The whole family's like, what? And Brady's like, what? I'm like, not doing it.

[Dick Toledo]

I've got 10 sandwiches.

[John Holmberg]

Brady's brother in law is like, thank you. Thank you so much. I'm like, somebody's gotta say something. You guys. JV saw it. He was right next to me. He saw the booger too. Kids, black. Get yours dipped today. Take it over to the pound and have it dropped into that tick bath. They're gross tampons falling out of their heads at the ball pit. Yuck. All right, here's a guy who's mad at us and I never. This. This is gonna shut the showdown. This is it. All the times I've told people in the past, if you laughed at this joke, you can't be mad when One hits you, right? So if you. If you laugh at the time Brett makes fun of the handicapped guy. You can't get upset when the trans joke happens. When you're trans. You can't get mad when the joke about Mexican leaf blowers happen. The, you know, white people being hillbillies and Trumpy. Yeah, you can't. You can't get upset when Biden gets attacked. You can't do it. Everybody gets hit. But this one I didn't. There's no. Nothing you can do because this is a really small group. Says, hey, Holberg. Dick. Way to start it.

[Dick Toledo]

Or was he saying hi to Toledo, too?

[John Holmberg]

Oh, maybe. There was no apostates. It was just pretty much the exclamation. But nobody ever says dick says. I heard on the podcast you talking about New Year's babies now. Yesterday, I think I said something about New Year's babies only count if they're not cut out. If it's planned, your mom's just an Instagram whore. I'm a New Year's baby. 39 years ago, I was the first baby born in Kansas City, but I was a scheduled C section, and my parents didn't get anything. And neither did I, for that matter. The first natural birth was in Wichita, almost the exact same time as me and that kid got a lifetime supply of stuff from some toy store that isn't even in business anymore and a plaque. And I think he got money for college from some guy. Blame your mother's womb. That's what I said. I'm bitter about it. And your words triggered me. That honor used to come with prizes. I'm 12:02am the other kid was 12:06. I've been stalking him my whole life. I was already practically walking by the time that kid came out. So as funny as you've been in my life, you finally did it. You've offended me. You pissed me off. You made me write a letter. Way to go, dickhead. Sign Miles. The real baby. New year of Kansas, 1985. There's some.

[Dick Toledo]

I understand the ruling there.

[John Holmberg]

So do I.

[Dick Toledo]

Your mom eligible baby.

[John Holmberg]

Your mom scheduled the birth?

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

You weren't supposed to come out then why weren't you making your way out at 1201? That makes you Baby New Year. If you're. If the baby is doing that, and it's a natural thing that it counts when your mom scheduled it. Your mom's an attention whore and wants to be in the paper. It was Instagram before Instagram. She wasn't. She was more interested in Attention for herself than she was the birth of her child. So she had a 1202 baby. You know, they could have done that a couple hours earlier, but I guarantee.

[Dick Toledo]

You later, apparently, let's be the New.

[Brian Callan]

Year's baby because it comes with prizes.

[John Holmberg]

Well, that's rigging the system. Your mom. Your mom's a cheat, Miles. That's what it comes down to. Your mom's a scam artist. She's trying to get toys for free. She's trying to get college tuition from that guy. And I didn't know baby New Year's got themselves prizes.

[Dick Toledo]

Some do.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Usually in smaller towns.

[Dick Toledo]

But people feel, you know, that guy's.

[John Holmberg]

Like, you know what?

[Dick Toledo]

I'm gonna donate college fund for that kid.

[John Holmberg]

Okay. There's always some dumb news story, oh, this is the first baby that was born at 1201. Yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

Yesterday we had the twins.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, yeah, that was the one. But now that's kind of unique now. Unless it was scheduled. If it's scheduled, it's stupid. If you made it. So it's like we'll have one at 1155 and the other at 1203, and we'll count. That's just. You're. You're cheating. You're rigging the system. Yeah. Who wants to be at the hospital 1201 in the morning? Nobody. On New Year's Eve. Yeah, exactly. I'm not doing that. That's. That's attention whoring. So. Yeah, of course you don't get.

[Dick Toledo]

I wanted Ronnie to hold on another 11 minutes, then Kirby would have been on the first.

[John Holmberg]

Right. And then everybody who had a first birthday, which is symmetry and disgusting. It doesn't really matter. And you'd have in February.

[Dick Toledo]

They don't mess around with. Did you guys have a fight when she was on the table?

[John Holmberg]

Hold it, hold it. Come on.

[Dick Toledo]

I figured.

[Brian Callan]

I do it all the time.

[Dick Toledo]

Had no idea. 19 minutes round trip.

[John Holmberg]

He can't hold a poop. Dad poops eight times a day. When you gotta go, you gotta go. You know, God equipped you with a clincher. Sometimes it's just not good enough. What is going on back there? You got half a pizza in your hand and you're walking to the bathroom or something. Can't make Ronnie hold a baby if you can't hold the poop from spinados during the pizza.

[Dick Toledo]

It came out a slice. Wow.

[John Holmberg]

That still smells like how it went in. It didn't digest yet, pal. Well, no. Cause he sharked it out. I've literally watched this man who asked his wife to Hold a baby in for 11 extra minutes, not make it through a whole pizza already. It is the nerve of all of you. Gotta go. And she could have tried a little harder, I'll give you that. But seeing as how her counterpart won't even allow.

[Dick Toledo]

I blame it on the doctor more.

[John Holmberg]

So than anything that he couldn't just keep pushing back.

[Dick Toledo]

Take your time.

[John Holmberg]

I don't think that. I don't think doctors are really in control.

[Dick Toledo]

It was late.

[John Holmberg]

I don't think it's about, you know, them being complacent or meandering. It's either happening or it's not. What am I paying you for, Doc? Most of the time, the doctor's just looking, going, man, husband's done no damage here. And then the baby starts coming out going, would have been a lot easier if she was with a man. And then sometimes they just come shooting right out, and they look at the husband going, thanks for your help.

[Dick Toledo]

I'm watching you sew it up, Doc.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. All right. Don't do that. Disgusting. But, yeah, you went. You went strong and told Ronnie to hold it for 11 minutes. And then.

[Dick Toledo]

Then I asked.

[John Holmberg]

The nurse was cut out.

[Dick Toledo]

I asked the nurse, could you. It's 11:49.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

Could you put on the.

[John Holmberg]

But you scheduled that because that was a C section, right?

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

How come you did that at 11:50?

[Dick Toledo]

Because she started going into labor and started, you know, pretty painful. We got to go.

[John Holmberg]

We gotta go right then and there.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah, I can do it.

[John Holmberg]

Hang on to that pain for another 10 just so you could have your cute symptoms.

[Dick Toledo]

She was numb. She was like, we're not having this the real way.

[John Holmberg]

Well, if she's numb, she doesn't even know if she's holding it.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah, well, I just, you know, I didn't. Didn't think it would. Again. It was 19 minutes.

[John Holmberg]

Inconsiderate prick. Put a cork in there, Doctor. I'm Feb1, you're June, 1. And if she's August nurse, just put it. That's something a chick would do, though. Put it back. That's a girl.

[Dick Toledo]

No, not put it back. But you. They mark the time of birth, basically. So you want him to lie? Yeah, I asked her to lie.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Why don't you take this medical, doc? Kid ain't gonna know the difference.

[Dick Toledo]

Should have your finski wasn't enough to convince her.

[John Holmberg]

Why don't you guys pay more? Why don't you guys just tell Ronnie or Kirby that her birthday was the first? She ain't gonna know, right? It's your Fault.

[Dick Toledo]

Well, there's documentation. You're right.

[John Holmberg]

Well, she can't read. She's a bogan. Yet. She's a bogan. Have you seen she can't read. This kid can't read.

[Dick Toledo]

Oh, she's a good reader, okay?

[John Holmberg]

Compared to you, Lovar. Okay, look, Dick and Jane, everybody's a good reader.

[Dick Toledo]

We get it.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. You could have told her, I don't know for sure that my birthday's July 6th. It's just what I was told. And how hard is it to scrub the document you've got?

[Dick Toledo]

So easy to change.

[John Holmberg]

Simple.

[Dick Toledo]

Blew it.

[John Holmberg]

You did. You're still blowing it. Because you wanted your cute everybody's dress, the same party, birthdays.

[Brian Callan]

We're all born on the first.

[John Holmberg]

Isn't it a miracle? No. Anyway, well, tampons and heads and baby New Year's and things like that are things we gotta deal with. Arizona's most powerful rock radio station. He said fully erect. Hi, I'm Diane Fisher from Fisher Tools. From our humble beginnings in 1964 at the Phoenix park and swap to our 4 acre campus located just south of Tempe Marketplace off the 202. Emmett Clintock Fisher Tools has been building the valley for over 60 years. Come check us out and browse our huge selection of tools and anything you need to do the job right. We carry Milwaukee, DeWalt, Makita, Proto and so much more. We're also [e-mail] cup KUPD listeners will receive 10% off their order when you mention this ad. Fisher Tools. If we don't have it, we can't sell it. It's Dick Toledo.

[Dick Toledo]

And new customers Right now on FanDuel.

[John Holmberg]

Get $150 in bonus bets when your first five dollar wager wins. Just visit FanDuel.com KUPD to grab $150 in college hoops bonus bets with a.

[Dick Toledo]

Winning $5 bet and prepare for March.

[John Holmberg]

On FanDuel, America's number one sportsbook 21 plus and President Arizona first online real money wager only. $5 first deposit required. Bonus issued as non withdrawable bonus bets which expire seven days after receipt. Restrictions apply. See [e-mail] gambling problem. Call 1-800-next-step or text NEXT STEP to 53342. Grab some protection. Here comes the best of Homeburg's morning sickness. It works for the other ones who are afraid of everything. They think their kids might be dying anyway. Like everybody with like the the worried mother is the John Jay and rich one.

[Dick Toledo]

The Bigfoot Audience. They believe in Bigfoot.

[John Holmberg]

I don't know. I was gonna say the single mom. Single moms. The spirit thing probably goes into the JOHN jr. I don't know about Bigfoot, but that's pretty great. If all John Jay enriches single moms in bedazzled genes also believe. You know what? I'm speaking just on the thought. I can't imagine. But you might be right. They're not bright.

[Dick Toledo]

Mercury is moving like crazy.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, that could be. It's in retrograde. It's not. They don't know. That's what I picture. They're on here. Yeah, but those letters work.

[Dick Toledo]

I'll take the Bigfoot thing back maybe.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, I would imagine there's a few Bigfoot ones, but I think it's whatever the smart person in the house is telling them whether or not to believe. So it would have to be.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah, that's a different guy, too.

[John Holmberg]

Like I could believe John Jay believes in Bigfoot because come on, he's not.

[Dick Toledo]

There's an article out the other day.

[John Holmberg]

He's not home.

[Dick Toledo]

About the 67. 1967 film, the original one where you see him running across.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

And they had experts analyzing the gate.

[John Holmberg]

Right.

[Dick Toledo]

It's. That definitely was not made by a human.

[John Holmberg]

All right, so it's probably dead by now. Where are the other ones?

[Dick Toledo]

Experts?

[John Holmberg]

I say that to Bigfoot believers all the time. Where are the bones? We got dinosaur bones millions of years old. And if you ever present that to a Bigfoot. Like I've talked to real Bigfoot believers. Right. They want to argue with me. You actually know a real one? Well, know or have run into are two different things. First off, some strange friends. I'd never be friends with some immediately. I could find you to be the most charming individual on the planet. Like, man, this guy might be. He's on a fast track. He's in the top 10 and he's moving up with a bullet to being one of my best friends. And then he breaks out that. And I also am a fervent believer that Bigfoot is real. It's immediately the friendship has ended. Goodbye. It is over. That and ghosts. Ghosts affecting them. I can. I can. I'll give you the ideas. Like, yeah, maybe go like somebody who's on the fence. Like, I think maybe ghosts could be real. I don't know what we know what we don't know. And I'm like, I can live with that. But somebody's like, no, ghosts not only are real, but sometimes they move stuff in my house. All right. We cannot be friends. You're unpredictably crazy. But Bigfoot people and flat Earthers are exactly the same to me. But Bigfoot people had a guy chat with me about at one of our. Imagine that. At one of our station events. And he started to tell me, like, where he goes, you really don't believe that there's possibility of a Bigfoot? I'm like, no, where are the bones?

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah, it's. I mean, if you come to animal expert and say, is there a possibility of a new species out there that hasn't been. Yes. But the odds of that being a bit. And not being discovered yet.

[John Holmberg]

A new species that possibly is microscopic. Yeah.

[Brian Callan]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Like something little, like, oh, wow, they found a new bark beetle. And wash, you're not. The Washington area has had people in it for a long time. If there was Bigfoot, there'd be more than one. Yeah. And there'd be multiple. And you'd find some bones. And then. So I presented the idea like, well, what about bones? Like, you never. Like, if Bigfoot's been around, he's not new and he's still current, so he's been a thing for a while. What about the bones? Because we find dinosaur bones all over the place. All over the place. And we're. Oh, you can't prove that. Oh, for Christ's sake. I'm talking to the dumbest man in the world. You're gonna argue against everything just to make Bigfoot real. And then you just put your hand out and say, it's been a pleasure. We will never speak again because you are a retarded adult. Goodbye now. And then you just walk away. Bigfoot buyers. And there's nobody out there who really believed it. There can't be. He'd get loose once like Bigfoot would get. If he's that wise. Wouldn't he start his own little civilization if he knows not to wander into somebody's trash?

[Dick Toledo]

He would be if coyotes come down in the city. Because most animals when they're hungry.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. And Bigfoot would follow them because he probably eats coyotes. What's his diet? We don't have one Bigfoot. One piece of Bigfoot information. Oh, I hate the Bigfoot people. I don't know who I hate more, the ghost people or the Bigfoot people. What about Loch Ness monster? That's not that. Those are Scots and they're idiots and they know that that's just a tourist.

[Dick Toledo]

Attraction that's turned into more fun than anything.

[John Holmberg]

There's a handful that's still and The Loch Ness monster is funny because it's like one. Like if that Loch Ness. Which loch is just their lake. Their choked out gross way of saying the word lake. Over there.

[Brian Callan]

The lock.

[John Holmberg]

Oh God. We clear your throat and say it like a human. Look, look. Ness. Nessie. If there was a Loch Ness and she only lived there she'd made. There'd be multiple at this point, like thousands of years ago. Like, she's dead. No, she lives. And I'm like, what is she? She's a. She's a God of some type. Aye. All right. You're an idiot.

[Dick Toledo]

Hey, she's starving. That's the least amount of fish I've seen in a lock.

[John Holmberg]

She's immortal on this ugly ass loch. No houses about. Nobody wants to live in it because it's grey and disgusting. And a monster lives about. Has she ever hurt anybody or. No. What does she do? She pops her head up at great distances while I have only a grainy photograph. That's all I can get.

[Dick Toledo]

They have a 1962 quota replica at the gift center.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, a replica. We have sonar. We found the goddamn Titan. Yeah, exactly. It's a lake. You'd find her. No, she's got little dens she hides about well, you know. You know where the pocket. You know exactly where pockets are and you can't find. No, the pockets go deep to the core of the earth. You're all retarded. Eat your mud. Shut up and eat your mud. I'll eat all this mud. Mud. You're the. You're the idiot. You're the non believer. I will build your heat, okay? Keep with your Gaelic nonsense and just move about the looking for your dragon. That's real, okay? This is why your country always fails, Scott. Because you go back to that stuff and your biggest hero is.

[Dick Toledo]

William Wallace rode Nessie to a battle.

[John Holmberg]

They fought each other. They fought each other. You know, Nessie was with England for a bit and she come out and she said, for the king. You do it for the king. And William Wallace said, I don't do anything for that man. And they fought for hours. It's legendary. There's pictures. They drew them. I. There was a tapestry made. They put out a tapestry. They just tap us. You didn't tapest anything back then. It had to have happened. Ghosts, Loch Ness Monster, Bigfoot. What's another deal breaker for Bermuda Triangle? Bermuda Triangle? Flat Earth. What about the people that think the.

[Dick Toledo]

Mothman landing, West Virginia.

[John Holmberg]

The moon landing's fake as it Tough one, because I think the first one was real. And then I. Then I see their point. I start buying into that. That one makes sense to me a little more. Like, I think the moon landing was very real. I think two or three of them were very real. Then I start to wonder. India still can't do it. China still can't do it. They can fix a laptop like nobody's business there at Dell. Tech support.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah, we're all technology.

[John Holmberg]

We're always told we have more technology in our phones than they had for the first moonshot, Right? Yeah. And other countries are still begging us, hey, can you get us some info on how to get to that moon? We're like, nope. And that's when I'm like, did we really go? Because wouldn't we share that incredibly lucrative information? We are. India has gone on TV and screamed out, no one will help us. And we can't figure out the last few steps. India's dying to go, and we don't want them up there. I have no clue why there are other. And why wouldn't we share it with Japan? Who wants to go? They're our friends. Like, there's groups that we're like, why wouldn't we have to. And we want to build because we don't want them getting up there building first or finding something we didn't. But we don't go anymore, and we don't let anybody else go. So I start to wonder, did we really go? That one gets to me, because there's some questions that make me think, why don't we still do it? I understand. Maybe we've just raked it for all it's worth. Why do the other countries all of a sudden say, well, America was there. That's never happened before. The United States went, so we're not interested anymore. That makes them want to go up more.

[Dick Toledo]

And now we're doing space rides, rubbing.

[John Holmberg]

It in even more. Yeah, but, I mean, does it make sense to you that, like, other nations would be like, all right, what they do? It would make me more curious if I was another country, and they won't give me the info to get up there.

[Dick Toledo]

It was just. And it was Russia and us battling for a little bit.

[John Holmberg]

It was a money battle, and we had to win it, or Russia gets all the. The future deals for, you know, contracting and money and technology. They're the technology Superman. So we figured it out before them, and then they went broke, and we said, all right, we don't do that anymore. And then the next big thing that we did was a shuttle that went around The Earth a bunch of times. That's less than the thing we did 10, 15 years ago. So the. The moon people, you'll give them a little leeway, a little credit. They can't go crazy with it. They can't have, like, answers. And it was filmed in a Tucson studio. You can't start going down that road. You have to have a bunch of question marks.

[Dick Toledo]

They're allowing it the international side of the space station, but they're still keeping away from the moon for some.

[John Holmberg]

Even close to the moon, it's only like 100 miles away. It's not even that far.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah, that is interesting.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. But why in the world won't we share that with, like, Australia? Who'd go to the moon in a heartbeat? Like, no, you guys got no business up there. And they can't figure it out on their own. Nobody's figured it out. Not one place has gone. We went up there to none.

[Dick Toledo]

Maybe they've passed around, you know, there's been so much stolen moon rock.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Like, there's Russian maybe.

[Dick Toledo]

Nothing up, you know.

[John Holmberg]

You know who I think would be up there before anybody else? Is that Mexico? Not one person seems to want to stay in that country. I think the moon's a better option. They'd make it up there too. We don't want them up there because they will build a civilization. It'll be like in three days. They'll have all sorts of houses and trenching and definitely a sprinkler system.

[Dick Toledo]

There's one mention of a nugget of gold.

[John Holmberg]

Well, if there's money. But that's the thing. We came back and told them there's no money, nothing. There's something, but there's something up there. We would tell them how to get there. We just have to figure out how to mine it without being obvious. Weird. The moon thing, maybe. Brett, you bring that up, and I start going a little crazy myself. But I'm not gonna.

[Dick Toledo]

Got questions.

[John Holmberg]

But I'm. Exactly. That's all I got. I got questions. I'm not going to sit and tell you I don't think it's. It didn't happen, but I have to think it didn't happen as much as we. We say it did. Now, I think after about four or five, just to rub the Russians nose in it. We're popping those things up there every couple months. Yeah. We're up at the moon again. Russia. What are you guys doing? Still failing. That's cool. I think we were just rubbing their nose in the fact that we Figured it out first and then couldn't stop going. We go like eight or nine times. I don't know how many times. There's a lot of guys. We got up on the moon and then we just stopped. That's a enough. Enough moon for everybody. The whole world doesn't need the moon anymore. And our human exploration curiosity.

[Dick Toledo]

Now it's Mars.

[John Holmberg]

Is it? I know we're talking about. I don't think anybody else wants to stay with that.

[Dick Toledo]

And the. There's more talk about colonization or.

[John Holmberg]

Sure. On a planet that doesn't support life. Brilliant. But that's. India is the one that's like in on all the Mars stuff. We worked on the. The. We definitely have the technology to get you to Mars. I'm like, you guys can't get to the moon yet. What's going on? I don't live there anymore. I live in the place you go to where you skipped a step. You got to go to the moon and then you can go to Mars.

[Dick Toledo]

People don't realize there's already a call center set up in Mars.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, yeah. Thank you for calling. What do you live on the Sea of Tranquility? That is on the moon. That is not my jurisdiction. But I've been. And it is beautiful. Thank you very much for calling. Would you like to go to Mars today? Yes. Okay. We need 1400 billion dollars and 88 years of your life. I don't think that's gonna happen. Yeah, they skipped a step. But I always found that weird. I always found it strange that all the other nations and human curiosity, which is the only thing we all have in common is a explorative kind of curiosity. We want to know. And all the other nations are like, america did it. That's good. Thanks for the reports. What?

[Dick Toledo]

Maybe hoping that we'd go broke.

[John Holmberg]

Well, they thought, well, that's the whole reason we did it. To break Russia trying. We knew Russia was. We didn't know they were as bad as they were. Ten years later, they're not even a place. And that goes right back to the space race. They spent all their money trying to beat us. And the winner of that thing was going to win the world. And we clearly did. England doesn't want to like, hey, can we get a ride to the moon? Can you send one of our guys with your guys? We'll even tag along. Nope, we're not going anymore.

[Dick Toledo]

It's weird, but look at our credit card now.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, well, that doesn't. We're still a place. We didn't break down into like 600 different spots. Although it could have. We got good debt. We got quality $30 trillion of good debt. Like millennials. We're not gonna pay it back. Don't worry. Bernie will take care of it. Or just pay off all the national debt with trips to the moon. Who wants to go? Yeah, so it's just. To me, that's a thing. But Loch Ness ghosts, hunger strikes, that. Those are those. I bet you those people down there at that hunger striker, Nessie, ghost, Bigfoot believers. Not a one of them is smart. Yeah, you don't. You don't take walks in that. But you certainly don't expect to get hit by a palm tree. So resolutions are the worst. So they're over today. As of today. This is it. Usually. Usually people have failed by now. I watched the resolution fail at the Suns game until January 4th, which was my favorite thing in the world. Mark decided to take 30 days off from having beer. And once Sherry poured us two beers and said, they're Dos Equis. They're in the lounge. They're free. Got to drink a free beer. And the next thing you know, we had a couple, and we're just sitting there going, well, that didn't. That didn't take long. He did the. What? Dry January thing. He was thinking about dry January. That was. That's. I don't. I agree. Just my buddy switched it to dry February because there's less days in the month to have to not drink. So I'm going February. Screw that. It's a leap year.

[Dick Toledo]

Hopefully you ladies out there quit January.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, don't do that. Brady's stuck on the January thing. Nobody shocked where they don't shave for a month.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah, we're not quit.

[John Holmberg]

First off, stop talking to them. We're not anybody with that mindset. We don't need to convince them. A woman that's like, yeah, I'm taking advantage of never shaving again. Off you go. There you go. Do that somewhere else. Squatch. We're done with you as well. Being a dude at that point. Yeah, exactly. What kind of sense am I gonna talk into her? Brady keeps trying to tell these ladies who've decided not to shave anymore to come back to the. No, leave him out there.

[Dick Toledo]

If it's just saving one, John.

[John Holmberg]

No, no, no, no, no. I don't want to save one. I want those to announce themselves. I'm a non shaven lady. Oh, thank God for announcing that you're someone I'll never want to deal with in my life. It's a matter you can't handle a woman in her natural state. I guess not. Cause that's gross. You look disgusting and you smell and you look like me out of the shower. That's. I'm sickened. No hot girl ever comes at you with hair all over her armpits and legs. It doesn't happen. Pigs. And the reason they don't shave or go into that mode is because they know they're ugly. So they're taking it real far to act like I don't even try to be pretty. Because you can't. And we all know it. So you take it to extremes. We get it. But yeah, don't start there. There's no saving them. Their brains are shot. It isn't about their hairy armpits. Their brains are shot. To even think January's a good idea. If your wife says that I ain't shaving anymore. The next day. If she's still your wife, you've made a drastic error in judgment. Call Cordell and Cordell immediately before she.

[Dick Toledo]

Don'T leave the house.

[John Holmberg]

Mine would have been annulled right away. Done. You still have some time to clip it before counts 90 day money back guarantee for you. She came in like sasquatch. I'm out. Even if she said I'm thinking I shouldn't shave anymore. That's it. Bye. Get the out of my house. Better think again, sister. Bye, Grape Ape. Bye.

[Dick Toledo]

Get out of here, ZZ Top.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, but this is like the fourth time you've gone. You gotta stop, ladies. Yeah, we're talking. It's like he's like, Sarah McLaughlin over here. I hear the. The music in my head. Hairy ladies.

[Dick Toledo]

Just a dollar a day.

[John Holmberg]

I just think you guys should come back in. We don't want them, right? Shut up, John. I'm talking to ladies who've decided not to do hygiene anymore.

[Dick Toledo]

Oh, and I'd show just tons of ladies throwing it out.

[John Holmberg]

No, you show hot.

[Brian Callan]

Too late.

[Dick Toledo]

They've already cried. You can save these.

[John Holmberg]

You can't save them. The dogs in the Sarah McLaughlin commercial didn't make a choice to look like that. Hairy ladies are choosing to be disgusting for a dollar a day. We could get razors for these giant beasts. These. These boars of humanity.

[Dick Toledo]

Please help Italy.

[John Holmberg]

Why are you trying to save no Italy Ladies shave. You're missing the point. Italy ladies can't help it. They probably shave three times a day. You're talking about women who made the conscious decision to announce they're done shaving. And you're like, I Want to be friends? I want you back. Why? If you're a lady who doesn't shave, adieu. I never want to speak to you again. I don't want to talk to unshaven women. That's not the way it works. And anybody who brings up women do.

[Dick Toledo]

That because the patriarchy.

[John Holmberg]

But what kind of human being are we dealing with that we want to continue? Having any sort of contact with male patriarchy makes it so we have to bow down to your ideals of beauty. Like, okay, your personality is worse than your big, fat, hairy boar body. Get away from me. Yuck. You know, if they're not shaving their armpit, that thing down there ain't getting washed either. Oh, it doesn't need to. It's not getting used properly. Yuck. So we at KUPD have put a moratorium on Brady's attempts to save the januhary ladies. Quit talking about them like Brady McLaughlin. You can talk about them, but only to call them pigs or God's mistakes or big, giant, disgusting human beings. Quit trying to act like it's coming back. You go on a date with her. Well, in January. I didn't shave for a month, Jack. Well, I'm shaving now. Yeah, but I don't know what's next. You're a. You're a lunatic. That's a huge red flag. I did January to fight the patriarchy. Great job. You showed us. Yeah. Oh, man, we still. Boy, now I find hairy ladies attractive. It worked. Yuck. One hair on a woman is nearly divorced. You ever see a lady that gets one on her chin that gets a little long? You're like, I see it. Well, look, she's off the menu for everyone I've ever met. Come on. I couldn't help it. It was a rogue one. Yeah, it was about 3 inches long. That's going on for a couple days. You're not paying enough attention to the standard. Mike Tomlin said the standard is the standard, and that is no hairs. We get the hairs. We can't help it. Our whole body starts showing up. If you get chest hair and stuff and you're not shaving it because it's natural. You're a gorilla. Get back in the forest or go to Brady's house and he'll try to talk you down. Like strippers and hairy ladies. You just want them to come back into normal.

[Dick Toledo]

Salt.

[John Holmberg]

I remember the outfit and the face and hair of the hooker you decided to try to make normal again. My Brady, you know, she's just. Well, she's been talking to her. She's got a problem. She wants out. I'm like, no, she doesn't want out. Where did you meet a hooker? Oh, we were at a strip club, and this hooker comes up. Cause they're hookers, and she sits on Brady's lap. I don't necessarily.

[Dick Toledo]

She was not. She was a quality dancer.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. And she told Brady something. Why do you. And I just. She wasn't up there doing a nutcracker. Well, maybe she wasn't. She was. Why do you do this to yourself? We heard at the strip club. And then the girl's like. I don't know. Like she's emotional baggage. Brady, she's gonna cry no matter what. Did your dad touch you?

[Brian Callan]

Or.

[John Holmberg]

Next thing you know, she's sitting down, not dancing for anyone. Having a long chat with Brady while neon lights flash in the back. Please welcome Dakota this. Dakota, stop talking to that fat woman. Get up on the stage if you know what's good for you. I can't do this. Brady, Will you take me? Then she's asking him for a ride. And he tried to fix like Santa Claus that day.

[Dick Toledo]

They were lined up, waiting my turn on the lap.

[John Holmberg]

How? They're emotional crack jobs. And you're sitting there.

[Dick Toledo]

What would you like for Christmas?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, you're trying to talk sense into him. This isn't a good lifestyle. If you haven't found a good book, you're gonna end up dead. I don't want to die. Well, also, she's hallucinating that you're covered in butterflies. And God knows what you're trying to.

[Dick Toledo]

Well, if you're not gonna listen, dance then.

[John Holmberg]

You didn't. Had you just been that guy. Why don't you get off my. Get off my jock and start pounding that poon on somebody's thigh? No, she was asking for rides. She quit that night. Wow. Yes, she did. Don't make that face. Can't turn a hoe into a housewife. She was in a blue and silver bikini type thing. She had dark hair. She was. How was she? And then some other guy could have. Eh. She was a stripper. She was a little cracky.

[Dick Toledo]

Now governor of Arizona. Amazing story.

[John Holmberg]

Good joke. No, we all know it can't possibly be. Can't possibly be because another guy could have come over in his sweatpants and his fake Armani shirt and. Go, baby. Hundred dollars. Get back over here. Start doing the work. Oh, I gotta go, Brady. Thanks for the talk. She's very easily manipulated by cash and ideas. And the smell of your car. Yeah, and You? Yeah. Then once Drakar comes in, she's. She melts. Oh, no. I'm gonna get another free rug. Yeah, but she was gonna listen to whoever's willing to talk to her. Nobody wanted to talk to her. Janu. Harry. Come back into the fold. No. Keep not shaving. Be more obvious as a social pariah. Yeah. Has Ronnie ever gone like a day or two without shaving?

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah, she probably has.

[John Holmberg]

Really?

[Dick Toledo]

It bothers her.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

I mean, like, she's a decent human being.

[John Holmberg]

She knows she's starting to drift away from any sort of normalcy. You may not like it, ladies, but you do it to each other. If you all got. And they know deep down. If they all got together and said, none of us will ever shave again. Well, if that's the case, I get along better with Brett. I might as well just bang him. Exactly. Rubbing hairy thighs like we're crickets. Brady. January. No more mentions of that savior.

[Dick Toledo]

You got it.

[John Holmberg]

You start making fun of the January ladies like the rest of us. Wouldn't encourage Kirby to do that. Shouldn't shave. It's part of the patriarchy. No, you want to be a normal, decent person? Shave it up.

[Brian Callan]

Keep it tight.

[John Holmberg]

January. Ew. The Black Crows put out a great album, Amorica, years ago. And on the COVID of that album was a picture of a woman's private parts with a bikini on it. And puffed out of the sides of the bikini with tons of pubic hair. It's a really good album. It didn't sell well. The reason why nobody wanted to look at that. The front. It was gross. I didn't want that in my collection. You. You. Anyway, good luck with your resolutions. And if you're not shaving anymore, Brady's got a line at his house for you. Come by. I'll give you some stews and soups and roots so you can wander around in your natural state.

[Dick Toledo]

$. Shave.

[John Holmberg]

See? You keep saying it like you're trying to save them. They're not interested in shaving, but trying to talk them back into it. They're not going to do it. They're not normal when they do. No shaves. Just hair care products. Get them hairier. There's a Morica. And that was the one. They. They fixed it. Oh, here it is. Is that the one with the hair? Yeah. Gross. Ah, it's fuzz coming out of the top. And it didn't sell well. It didn't even shave well on the sides either. That's the thing. It puffs out of the sides. Yuck. And then to put it up on a lot of shelves, they had to get rid of the girls. Yeah. Did you just did the bikini triangle? I bet you that's the one I'd have bought. Yeesh. Yeah. Lady that doesn't shake. That's gross. How fast do you think. Oh, we got a new. This guy's in there. Your buddy. He's my friend. Yeah. Why are we hating on the 70s? Bush? Something tickling my face. Down there is good. No hair. I feel like a pedo. Whatever happened to the phrase grass on the field, play ball? Look who wrote it. Oh, yes, Herbert. Herbert Newton's back again. I don't know. I don't remember what you emailed about the other day, but we made fun of your name. Now Herbert Newton sounds like a pedophile's name. Hey, if there's grass in the field play, they have grass in the field when they're 12. Herbert Gross. You feel like a pedo. And then you said grass on the field, play ball. What happened to that? Usually that phrase was for someone who had gone through puberty and that was just the age of consent to the creepy dude who's like, hey, I don't care how old she is. Grass on the field, play ball. Herbert Newton. Stop it. Get back to whatever creepy thing you're doing quietly. Anyway, Kirby Newton, be careful with your Rosie solutions is what I'm saying. They're ending today anyway. Arizona's most powerful rock radio station. He said fully erect, Cease and desist at once. The best of homework's morning sickness. This is the Big Red Radio. This segment is brought to you guys by Action Ride Shop. Now, if you're thinking about heading up north to hit the slopes for some skiing, some boarding, or if you're just going to stay down here in the valley and do some mountain biking, Action Ride Shop is your place to be. They got all the gear and all the knowledge you're going to need. So check them out [e-mail] or better yet, just go visit them over there on Gilbert Road and Southern. It's Action Ride Shop. All right, you guys are going to really enjoy this one. Just got this. Printing it now. Just arrived. Hot off the email. Hot, hot, hot, hot. So hot. Let me get all my stuff in order here so I can do this properly. There it is. All right, we start with this. Shane talking about Randall Byrd all morning. Shane, the front runner now in a look, it's the last day of November. He has 15 days till we're off the air and he submits this story today to become the Nathan Sutherland aspiring Christian rapper Heel of the Year. They Walk Amongst Us, Phoenix edition and Randy Bird, of course. Sex with a corpse at the hospital. Got caught. Just got this. Hey guys, it starts. I was told by a coworker to email you and say hello. I understand my life is going to change. My name is Randy Bird. Oh, no. I'm just now hearing the news of the man with the same name desecrating a corpse. I don't listen to your show, but I'm imploring you to please stop. I've just gotten back on my feet after a terrible divorce. My father passed away in June. I'm financially destroyed by life, but I'm getting back on my feet. I've been going to a therapist for three years and literally in October, my last words to the therapist was thank you. I feel like the future's going well. Now this. My co workers are saying you're looking for a Randy Bird. Well, here. Here I am and dammit, I'm begging you to stop. The worst thing my name has been up until today was people using an English accent saying, hi, Randy Bird. Thank you in advance. Maybe I'll start listening. Maybe not. Signed Randy Bird. Think of the damage done to the local Randy Bird. Birds. Birds. Randy Bird of whatever you're from and whatever coworker's giving you heat today, it is gonna change. Well, he's not a listener anyway, so don't worry about it. Yeah, you don't bother me. Cause I don't. Yeah, we're gonna keep going. Yeah, you're not on the docket here. So yeah, we're just gonna keep moving forward. And you can change your name Randy Bird. But the Randy Bird that we're talking about, not only ruining it shame for dead bodies, even now ruining it for the living Randy Birds. When you tell people, hey, what's your name? Randall Byrd. You're not the. No, I'm not that guy. There was a people named Theodore Bundy way back before Michael Bolton. Yeah, that's the office space joke that nobody knew. There's plenty of people with Dennis Raider, right? There's probably a bunch of Dennis Raiders now that one has become. That's going full circle back to being fun again. You're dead. You're the btk. Because now everybody knows who real Dennis. Like you know, you can place a face. If you're Randall Byrd and you're going to work today, might want to put out a memo. Like first thing, jokes about Randall Bird will not be tolerated in the office, but especially if you're the boss. Our bird is on your way around with that Randall Bird. We are sorry, Randy Bird, but common name Shame. Yeah, I'm. I'm. I hasten to just go on with it.

[Dick Toledo]

Worst of it is I work at.

[John Holmberg]

A funeral home and I'm an embalmer. I am. Boom. People. What do you do? Randy, email me back. What do you do? Their co workers are laughing. Immediately came in and said, dude, you're screwed. And the poor guy's been through a miserable divorce. Dad drops dead. The divorce broke him trying to get back on his feet, and now this. Well, it's back to the therapist. I say, what's your middle name? Maybe it's probably Sue.

[Dick Toledo]

His profile on Tinder is going to have to change.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, yeah, your Facebook page. We were searching for him, didn't see anything. You didn't find a Randall Bird on Facebook this morning? Not that one. I found some, but not that here. Yeah. Poor bastard.

[Dick Toledo]

Were there like five or six people of them?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Wow. No, we got one of them. S. Be nice to your local Randall Birds today. But always remember, if you know the real one, shame him. Shame. If you know his family. Shame. Shame them. He showed some signs. There were some signs like he would drive by cemeteries and just go home. All right, baby. So much. What? What'd you say, Randy? Nothing. Anyway, there's Hohokam Stadium. You know, Waylon Jennings is buried in there. And another guy that was always picking.

[Dick Toledo]

Up on girls in the walk in freezers, the restaurant.

[Brian Callan]

You guys like it in here?

[John Holmberg]

It's cold, right? I like to see my breath. I like when I'm having sex and I can only see one person's breath, the other one ain't breathing. So anyway, Randall Bird, ah, it's. It's mighty close to just calling this race, but we'll see. 15 days if someone can beat the Randy Bird story. An honorable mention to April McLaughlin, that horrible, horrible C word out in Chandler. But I mean, let's be honest as we seek out the. What was the other one with a dead body in the alley earlier in the year that they were. Some guy was whacking on that dead body wrecking that thing earlier in the year. They walk amongst us. Yeah, they walk amongst us. We've had a few west bags in the year and almost. My apologies to paradise and Pearl for last year's championship run as the worst people in Phoenix, because that's child's play.

[Dick Toledo]

Doesn't matter. They took the crown.

[John Holmberg]

They won it. They won it. Yeah, sometimes the champion isn't always fair and square. Yeah, they're not, you know. The greatest of all time. No. Dynasty. Anyway, sorry, Randy. Birds of Phoenix. But you're gonna hear it for a while.

[Dick Toledo]

Brett's holding out for the catch.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, or the drive. I'm waiting for an avenue to step up. Yeah, you're waiting for a Dwight Clark grab at the end of. Wow. We didn't think anybody could beat Randall Byrd, but look at this. I'm not saying it'll happen, but I just say, you know, we don't want Denny Green yet. I mean, it's a Buster Douglas situation here. If somebody steps up and beats this guy as worst person of 2023 in Phoenix, it's. Man, you are doing something.

[Dick Toledo]

I'm working, I'm looking for it. I don't know how you could right now.

[John Holmberg]

Banging a dead 79 year old woman in the freezer at the hospital and getting caught. Yeah, I'm tough to top. I can't eat my. I got a good imagination. Got a good imagination. I'm not sure I can go any further than. I mean if April McLaughlin starts, you know, double donging some of those sick dogs, maybe, but I mean, outside of.

[Dick Toledo]

That really her intentions were. Were good. What she was thinking. She wanted to help these animals, don't you think? I don't think she was there to torture animals.

[John Holmberg]

Well, it turned out she was because she did it on purpose to get the sick ones and then not carefully. So were her intentions to be like. You know what I think she might be? She might be one of those delusional peoples that thinks that they got the special powers of Jesus or something and they'll. It's Mother Teresa. Yeah. Mother Teresa is a horrible human being. She took in the sick and never medicated them and used to say all the time, I love poor people and I love sick people. They make me happy.

[Dick Toledo]

And I don't see it out of the Birdman.

[John Holmberg]

I don't see no, no, no Birdman ain't got any of that. Nobody's ever going to confuse him for Mother Teresa. You look into Mother Teresa and the way she took money from bad guys and her house for the dying. A lot of those people could have gotten better if they'd have just gotten medical attendance. But she wandered around, said, you got God now. That's all you need. Me die here slowly. And I, I look at her as kind of the April McLaughlin of poor people. Like she just built houses for sick people that could have, you know, some were terminal, some Weren't she's like, yeah, just lay down terrible conditions. A lot of the time she's not. I'm no fan of Mother Teresa. The real story of Mother Teresa is awful. But that's April McLaughlin. Like, maybe you're right. Maybe in her delusional mind she thought, I'm helping. Yeah, I'm helping you. Then it just got out of hand. But she was also abusing her mother, who was living without any care.

[Dick Toledo]

Not hitting out Pretty harsh at first.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, it's pretty bad. It never really changed. Like the story never got better. Now she's back and begging. You know, they had to change laws because of her. That's a pretty bad person.

[Dick Toledo]

What if it was her mom, the Birdman.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, wow. Now I just changed my mind on how it's not so bad. It was April McLaughlin that was on that slab. And the Birdman gave it to her. Good and strong. Retribution. Birdman's vicarious redemption took on all those anyway. Well, either way, it's a tall order. So I'm pretty sure he's a leader in the clubhouse with only a couple of holes to go. And I'm not real sure this guy's going to get topped. I hope not. Phoenix, but neighbors of Mr. Bird, we'd love to hear from you. [e-mail] Just tell me what you thought.

[Dick Toledo]

House was always so cold.

[John Holmberg]

Was he married? Kids? Yeah, he was like Mr.

[Dick Toledo]

Frost around here.

[John Holmberg]

Is there a strange smell? Never had a drink that wasn't cold. You need some ice for that catchphrase. Like some iced tea? Yeah. Randy, it's freezing in here. Yeah, it keeps the scents down. I mean, the. The temps. The temps. I meant to say the temps down. Anyway, Randall Byrd, the great shame of 2023 on November 30th. Shame. We all know Arizona's most powerful rock radio station. He said fully erect at the hq. You just gave me my reach around. Here's another best of rerun from the morning s this this segment brought to You Guys by Mo Money Pond, 12th street and Indian School. Now, whatever you're looking for, it doesn't matter if it's electronics, jewelry, tools, pretty much. You name it, they got it there. All right, check them out online@momoney pawn.com.

[Dick Toledo]

Or like I said, just go to.

[John Holmberg]

The store and check them out. 12th street in Indian School, it's Mo Money Pond. So on Christmas Eve, I'm standing outside in the front yard. I had construction, by the way. The crew that I had, not only did they finish the day, they Said they were gonna under budget and create environments. Unreal. I. I've been telling you about them. I'm more excited about them than ever. Got another thing. I'm starting with them here. The next couple, I'm not gonna stop because they're just such a good. Beyond being an addict, it's. It's the best experience I could ever imagine. And it's just a perfect outcome.

[Dick Toledo]

Come.

[John Holmberg]

So I'm outside. The construction was up till the 23rd. They got the last guy came in there. I mean it was just to clean up. It was an amazing cleanup. My house never looked cleaner. He did an amazing job. So I go outside to get a light, right? And do something that. It's about eight at night, Christmas Eve. And maybe a little later than that. Fireworks going off like crazy. I don't know what's going on. And, and I see, of course, you know, I'm super conscious of dogs getting out and loose and look over and I see in my neighbor's front yard and they're not home. A dog running across the front yard. I'm like, oh, crap. So I go over and I start running towards them and they've got a pot of. They're storing something in their front driveway. So the dog runs behind the thing and I'm like, oh. So I'm standing out in the cul de sac. Hey buddy, what's a cookie? You know, trying to be sweet. Do the sweet doggy boy something. Look at his big bushy tail. That's a coyote. And so I. He catches sight of me, I see him and this dude takes off and I mean hits the fence. It's a seven foot fence. And he made that look like it was about a foot and a half off the ground. I mean he had that top, top feet, tap bottom feet scratched a little, not much. Bang. Now he's in my backyard.

[Brady Bogan]

Crap.

[John Holmberg]

So I run into the house making sure that my, my dogs are all right. And they're. And I'm. So I hit the door. My dog, Jack Ham, who's like all dogs combined. He looks like a lab, but he's not any lab at all. And he takes off like he knew around the corner and he's going coyote standing by the pool. Jack just hits it and I mean, flying coyote leaves. Whoo. Didn't like that. Jack comes back strutting a little bit. I'm. Good job, buddy. Nice work. Now let's start working on getting all this other stuff in order here. That was a little bit of a scare. And I'm Understanding that the wild animals are not liking these explosions either. They might just be scrambling around in desperation. So get the dog back in. Everything's kind of calmed down. Turn around, I look by the pool, coyote just staring at me. Come back, I'm like, oh, brave mother effort. So I turned my sound effects machine on and just lit him up. I got that all through the backyard, lighting him up. I got screams, I got all sorts. He takes off running again. Turns out there was a dead bird in my yard that he was a Scooby Snack. Somehow after me scaring him in the front yard, he found a dead bird in the backyard. Because by the way, birds also during all these explosions, drop dead out of the sky or smash into windows and things like that. Because I shouldn't be flying around at night. And they he dead. So the coyote's like hunting, he finds a thing. So now I've got this. I got a little old 13 year old, 15 pound dog that I, you know, because I am, as they say, we'll keep an eye on your dog then. So I do. So now I gotta make sure that he's okay because he just likes to take perimeter walks of the yard and he can't hear very well anymore. So I'm like, all right, now I got a coyote proof. I peed more in my backyard then a caveman used to pee outside the entire trip. And I bought wolf pee. Loads of it. Loads of wolf pee. So my whole yard is just wolf piss and my pee all over the perennial.

[Dick Toledo]

Do the dogs check it out?

[John Holmberg]

They do. And they're like. And then they're not like real sure about certain areas anymore because it's got heavy wolf pee in the corners. And then I bought these things that simulate eyeballs of animals because evidently coyotes hate that too. My yard is just an anti coyote trap. It is. They'll freak out everywhere they look. There's little red flashing eyes about three feet off the ground. Like if you look a direction in my yard, if you're paying attention, you'll see what looks like a wild animal sitting in there. The only bad thing about this is. And those are pretty red, is that now I'm scared all the time because I don't remember where I put all those things. Sometimes that one, because if it's at night, you're looking around. Oh Jesus. Is that. Oh no. Okay, that's one of my. My wolf eyes. Never mind. I got a whole bunch of those. I got fake owls. Where the hell do you buy wolf pee? Online? Are you serious? Tons of it what? Wolfp.com or I mean is it an Amazon thing? I just went how to coyote deterrence. Okay. And it just gave me. And I bought all of them. And then of course, because I'm terrible at ordering things, a box about the size of, you know, a moving van shows up. I bought like 22 barrels of wolf. I have a lot of. I have a lot of wolf piss. A lot of it. And it doesn't smell that bad. It's not like something you smell like when you smell like. No, no. It's not like you smell it. It isn't. It's. And it goes on these little foam things and you put sticks in the ground. It's kind of neat. You don't just go pouring it all over the place. But you can, I suppose. But it would absorb easier. And then you go out and spray your little spots with like a. It's like a like little thing.

[Dick Toledo]

Okay.

[John Holmberg]

Just go out and shoot it under the spongy thing. It's pretty awesome. So, so far so good with the coyote thing. But in that morning, on Christmas Eve morning, I noticed as I was outside with the dogs, there was a bird walking in my yard. There's a lot of birds, like birds that are injured for some reason that use mine.

[Dick Toledo]

There's a whole story on the amount of birds that are killed every year. They're blaming downtown building. They gotta get the architecture correct because birds are slamming into the too much glass in the. The high rises.

[John Holmberg]

I think it's just something that everybody's afraid to talk about. Brady. And that's the mental well being of birds. It's a bit brave for them to come out with their mental health issues. They're all little Pete Davidson. Pete Davidsons with wings is what they are. They scavenge the streets for drugs and food and smash into the hot rods. Yeah. And they're banging all the other hot birds. But yeah, so they can smash into stuff, do whatever. I can't keep track of birds. That's not my job. But I saw a little guy walking around and I went to scooch him out and he couldn't fly. And I'm like, ah, that's good. And he went in and hid behind the top seed bushes. And I'm like, well, maybe he's just kind of dazed. We'll let him go. Dogs came in, they left him alone. And later that night there's just a puff of feathers. When I saw where the coyote was. Pretty awesome. Pretty eventful Christmas Eve. So that was Christmas presents at my House with just boxes and boxes of wolf piss and phony dog eyes that are all over the backyard now. And I peed some to open on Christmas. Yeah, it was. It was nice. And it arrived like that night I got it. And like at midnight, the guys are like, we got. The wolf piss delivery guy is not. He never says, well, there's a backlog. I'm gonna. It's gonna take a few days. You order wolf piss, it shows up like an hour after you order it. It's pretty amazing. Wolf pee everywhere. But I was out there because the Internet said if you pee all over, some people say that works. It was a 50, 50 proposition. But it's still fun to pee all over outside. You gotta go. You gotta go. Yeah. And that was kind of the thing. It was like, I was like, oh, I don't have to run back to the house if I gotta pee. I just knock it out by the fence line. I'm walking, you know, doing sidestep, and I realized I'm good for about 35 steps and not even fast. Did you sidestep? Like, left, right, left, right? 21 seconds all the way down the fence. I'm. I crushed 21 seconds. There's no way that, that I'm. I'm bringing that curve up. I pee. I'm like a camel. I pee like three times a day, and it's a thousand gallons, but I covered a whole wall. Tried the step version. I mean, they always try to do your name and all the old school stuff, but this is a new way of doing it. I'm going to do a little, you know, right step. Right step and walk a line and see how doing a cha cha. Slide out there. Be blown away at how far you'll actually. It's amazing. Yeah. This guy says your backyard is now a mini Apache Junction attraction. We got these all over. Yeah. Apache Junction probably has wolf eyes and people urine all over. Yeah. But you don't smell it. And it's good. And you just. But it's. You know, you don't think about that stuff when you're. Love to hear that one. And then wild animals are running around and birds are floating, picking up everything. You're an idiot. You are an idiot. That's it. But we made it through and all is well. Arizona's most powerful rock radio station. He said fully erect. 98 Kubt, the best of the morning sickness is on the air. 98 KUPD.

[Brady Bogan]

Do any of you people do any actual work?

[John Holmberg]

The best of Homburg's Morning Sickness and It is time now for the news. Brady's news. The only news you get this way. We call it the Brady Report. Brady reported.

[Dick Toledo]

Got a brand new perversion to share with you today.

[John Holmberg]

Cool.

[Dick Toledo]

And it's not from the Japanese. Perversion comes from the filthy lines. It's called dogging.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, I don't like this already.

[Dick Toledo]

Dogging is fine art of sneaking up on a couple who are nailing each other in public place and spying on them. We used to call it V sing Vietcong. Visual check.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, you're giving a visual check. See, we called it the VC because we're a Vietcong. We're sneaking up out of the trees. Yep. But you'd VC your buddy who you knew was getting action.

[Dick Toledo]

Correct.

[John Holmberg]

We talked about this yesterday. It's like you knew that, you know, okay, Mark's gonna hump that girl from.

[Dick Toledo]

They've got to be back from their movie. He was going out to with her tonight. They're probably at his place because, you.

[John Holmberg]

Know, in college all you've got is sheets for curtains. You can see right through those.

[Dick Toledo]

They may not sound too innovative or wild, but gets better. Dogging has gotten more popular in England because some exhibitionist couples have started telling people where to go to spy on them for the free show, which takes the creativeness out of actually catching. So no one's exactly sure where the term dogging came from, but the most popular explanation is that the guys used to pretend to go walking imaginary dogs so they could spy on people having sex.

[John Holmberg]

That's not much of a fetish.

[Dick Toledo]

No, not too much.

[John Holmberg]

Go ahead and have it yourself.

[Dick Toledo]

You know of Spain's running of the bulls?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

And we see it on tv. Well, they do it in San Miguel, Allendo, Mexico, which is where I'm going for later this month. But they over the weekend in San Miguel, they decided to get into Pamploma, Spain's house. There they do a running of bulls. Their own version. 47 people were gourd, so it's a little worse.

[John Holmberg]

They have a little meaner bulls there.

[Dick Toledo]

It's got a little out of control. San Miguel, 47 people were Gordon, four people are in critical condition. Just for comparison of the running the bowls in Spain, There are only eight gorings and zero deaths last year and they only had 15 deaths in the 95 years of the running. So if you want a quality running of the bulls and you want action.

[John Holmberg]

You want to go for what it was meant. Those hypocrites in Spain have safed that up so much, they Give people like a two minute head start on the bulls.

[Dick Toledo]

Now when I'm over there, I'm gonna call up, see if I can get.

[John Holmberg]

A them to hook that up.

[Dick Toledo]

A little rebuttal action, maybe they can cue the bulls again.

[John Holmberg]

At least get the tape. Cuz that's a real running of the bulls. You give them fair ground. You don't get you, you don't put them on those brick streets where the bulls can't get their footing.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah, they have, they have the cobblestone streets there. But San Miguel, if you're to picture it, if you've ever seen the movie Once upon a time in Mexico with Johnny Depp and Antonio Bandas, he looked like that. That was filmed in San Miguel. It's a cool town. Good, good college town. Just kidding.

[John Holmberg]

College in Mexico.

[Dick Toledo]

In Mount Clemens, Michigan. Two cousins who've gotten a knife fighter. Both being prosecuted under 159 year old anti dueling law. The law was made in the books in 1846. Any person who shall engage in a duel with any deadly weapon, although not homicide, ensued. You who shall challenge another to fight in such a duel shall be guilty of a felony.

[John Holmberg]

So if I challenge you to a duel, I'm guilty?

[Dick Toledo]

Correct. You could get a fine of 5,000 bucks, 10 years in prison and the dueler's quote shall be incapable of holding or being elected or appointed, any place of honor, profit or trust.

[John Holmberg]

So they're done?

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah. You're labeled, right? The cousin names haven't been released. One's 19, the other's 31. Their duel was over a debt of 30 bucks. The 31 year old managed to stab the 19 year old during the duel. Kid is now in the hospital recovering from non life threatening hillbillies rule probably.

[John Holmberg]

What do we do without him?

[Dick Toledo]

They might have to bring back the dueling. I think there's. Is there still a state that still has a dueling law?

[John Holmberg]

That probably a couple down south.

[Dick Toledo]

22 year old Anthony Eldridge of Indianapolis is a crackhead who got a brilliant idea to swap a bottle of lighter fluid for some rocks.

[John Holmberg]

Wow, that's a desperate salesman.

[Dick Toledo]

His dealer who's been identified by the police. You ready for his name? Little Willie?

[John Holmberg]

Ye, yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

Little Willie told Anthony he'd give him some crap. Crack, not crap. If he could use lighter fluid to set him on fire.

[John Holmberg]

You light my ass on fire, you get to crack. I do it.

[Dick Toledo]

I think it was that real. I think it was the other way around.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, the dude buying the crack, dude.

[Dick Toledo]

That wanted the rock said let me.

[John Holmberg]

Light you on fire.

[Dick Toledo]

He goes, I want some crack. And he says, well, give me your lighter fluid and let me light you on fire and I'll give you some rock. And he did Anthony and he said no. But Little Willie went ahead and doused him in the fluid and set him on fire anyway.

[John Holmberg]

Did he get his crack?

[Dick Toledo]

Don't know.

[John Holmberg]

Why did Little Willie light him on fire? I'm not understanding well enough.

[Dick Toledo]

Fire that Anthony suffered third degree burns on 50 of his body. He's in the hospital. Serious condition. Little Willie is still on the lamb. Little Willie, Willy. Willy won't.

[John Holmberg]

It sounds like Little Willie would be a nice guy with a name like that.

[Dick Toledo]

The police say he's about 22 years old, 5ft 4.

[John Holmberg]

Yep.

[Dick Toledo]

145 pounds.

[John Holmberg]

Little Willie's a badass.

[Dick Toledo]

And the final thing you're looking for, lighter fluid has a glass eye. It's Sammy Davis Jr. ABC 6 Indianapolis if you wanna. Either that or the son of Sandy.

[John Holmberg]

Duncan who can light a crackhead begging for some ride.

[Dick Toledo]

You might have a box of Triscuits with him or something.

[John Holmberg]

You can have my crack, but you've gotta suck my. Sorry.

[Dick Toledo]

Who can start a fire?

[John Holmberg]

I could write the whole Candyman song based on little Willie.

[Dick Toledo]

39 year old Douglas Kelly of Slidell, Louisiana had his pregnant girlfriend and she was sitting at home. So he decided to head over to his favorite local strip club, the Scuttlebutt Gentleman's Club, drop a few hundred on lap dances and drinks. He knew his girlfriend would be furious when she found out he spent that much money on strippers instead of, you know, baby furniture, prenatal care stuff. So he concocted a brilliant lie to explain why he was gone for several hours. Douglas told his girlfriend that he had gone from. Gone to a local Exxon station to buy dog dog food when someone hit him in the back of the head, stole 500 bucks from his wallet and forced him into the trunk of his 94 Cadillac.

[John Holmberg]

He was five deep at the strip club.

[Dick Toledo]

I'll fill you in on the exact details. Douglas was stuck in the trunk for two hours until he found the emergency release lever to get it out and then drove home to tell his story, called the police to report it. The only hitch in the giddy up in the story. Exxon doesn't sell dog food, John. There's 400 bucks left in his wallet and the Cadillac doesn't even have a release button in the trunk. He was charged with falsifying a police report. Come on, find 500 bucks.

[John Holmberg]

So? Well how evil is his girlfriend? He'd rather go to jail or pay 500 bucks and make up a story about getting kidnapped. Tell her he was at a strip club.

[Dick Toledo]

Well, I don't think that's evil.

[John Holmberg]

Why?

[Dick Toledo]

Well, that's just.

[John Holmberg]

She's evil.

[Dick Toledo]

She's either really understanding, but I don't know what kind of. You gotta understand when you have a pregnant wife. The hormonal monster that you're looking right now to do something like that. I could just tell you that's not a good call.

[John Holmberg]

So. A pregnant woman.

[Dick Toledo]

Unless you tell her, hey, mind if I go there?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. But a wrath of a pregnant woman is worth a falsified police report and pretend kidnapping rather than just saying, I'm sorry, things got out of hand. We went to a strip club.

[Dick Toledo]

Choice in activities.

[John Holmberg]

I know.

[Dick Toledo]

Knowing that you'd get into trouble.

[John Holmberg]

So you get into trouble. But it's. It's worth it more to get in trouble with the law than it is with her.

[Dick Toledo]

He figured he'd never get called out on his brilliant story.

[John Holmberg]

But he'd have to file reports and have the police at the house.

[Dick Toledo]

My opinion, he's got it coming to him.

[John Holmberg]

Sure. For marrying that Tasmanian she devil.

[Dick Toledo]

Well, she sounds a little possessive because gone for a couple hours, he has to concoct something.

[John Holmberg]

That's what I'm saying. She's nuts. If you went to a strip club and Ronnie was waiting up for you, tapping her toe. Brady went to a strip. I know. On the off chance this is mythology, would you roll in and tell her I got kidnapped? Or would you just say, I'm sorry, I was at a strip joint?

[Dick Toledo]

No, I. Exactly. I was at Bourbon street and Lakota was a pro. I lost 200 bucks. I'm sorry.

[John Holmberg]

You went to the casino.

[Dick Toledo]

You look very nice tonight.

[John Holmberg]

I was at the zoo. Things weren't looking good.

[Dick Toledo]

If you sometimes skip a payment on your new Kia for a month, hoping you could dodge the reaper, man, collection agencies. Until the lottery numbers finally hit for you. While auto dealers across the US Are starting to install a device called On Time.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, boy.

[Dick Toledo]

With cars that they sell, what's On Time do? Well, if you miss a payment, they hit the chip and it just shuts your car down.

[John Holmberg]

How far behind you have to be?

[Dick Toledo]

Basically, like a month?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

1500. 1500. Dealers across the US are using on Time, which is distributed by a Payment Protection Systems of Temecula, California. As long as your payments are on time, you'll never notice it's a little black keypad that's mounted under the dashboard. But on the first day you're delinquent, it has a red light that blinks like day four. The device is also beeping constantly. And if your phone five days late, shut down.

[John Holmberg]

If you're five days late. I've been five days late and I pay my payments all the time. I just been. Who? Who hasn't been five days late?

[Dick Toledo]

Maybe it's a month and five days, then you got a five day.

[John Holmberg]

But still.

[Dick Toledo]

But once you make a payment, you get a code to punch in your on time little black box which makes the car work again.

[John Holmberg]

That's horrible.

[Dick Toledo]

There's a dealer in Saint Petersburg, Florida that's been using it on time since last October. Well, at October, 60, five of his clients were making payments on time. Now since the on time has been in 95.

[John Holmberg]

Really?

[Dick Toledo]

Sure.

[John Holmberg]

That's just awful. That's just the. Your car gets shut down. That's like on a date or something. Yeah. What's that noise a couple days later? My car payment. That's an alarm for it. Oh, yeah. Just ignore it.

[Dick Toledo]

You get halfway to Harvey's wine Burger and it shuts down.

[John Holmberg]

You haven't made your payments here.

[Dick Toledo]

Oh, here's the shocking expose. I've got the truth about quicksand. Today's extremely timely whistleblowing report comes comes from the scientists at the University of Amsterdam in the Netherlands. They're putting the word out. Hollywood movies are not an accurate reflection of real life.

[John Holmberg]

What?

[Dick Toledo]

Yes, it's impossible for you to get sucked into and drown in quicksand. I've heard that actually quicksand is made up of salt, sand, clay, and a lot of water. And you know how you float in water? You also float in quicksand sand.

[John Holmberg]

I never. I don't. I don't think.

[Dick Toledo]

As long as you don't struggle too much. When you struggle, that's when you sink because you're basically stirring the quick, the quicksand. And it makes.

[John Holmberg]

Where is quick sand? It's a cartoon invention, isn't it?

[Dick Toledo]

Even though you can, you can never be totally submerged in quicksand, once he gets a hold of you, you're in trouble.

[John Holmberg]

Have you ever known anybody that's been near quicksand?

[Dick Toledo]

If you wiggle your legs around John and try to yank them out of the quicksand, you create a vacuum.

[John Holmberg]

But you can't swim on quicksand. It'll. It will. Where's quicksand?

[Dick Toledo]

I'll try to find out.

[John Holmberg]

Here. Nowhere.

[Dick Toledo]

Let me tell you the right way to get out of quicksand. Raise your legs up as slowly as possible and slowly try to bring them to the surface.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

So you're laying on your back. Once you're on your back, you can float yourself to dry land, right?

[Brady Bogan]

Of course.

[John Holmberg]

You need to be eating me. I'm not going to be calm.

[Dick Toledo]

You need to float your way to the safety of. In a bog of quicksand. You should never be alarmed, of course. I mean, how many times have you. You or anyone you know actually seen quicksand in real life?

[John Holmberg]

Exactly. Here's my deal, though. If you're in a situation where you're sinking in quicksand, you're in a bad spot, spot of town. You put yourself there, and maybe that's one of the hazards of whatever the hell you're doing.

[Dick Toledo]

Where quicksand might be.

[John Holmberg]

Where's quicksand?

[Dick Toledo]

Well, we gotta have some quicksand.

[John Holmberg]

People are calling, trying to tell us where Quick.

[Dick Toledo]

Salt, sand and clay. We've got that up in the.

[John Holmberg]

Where I want to go stand in quicksand. We'll put. Payday. Stuntman will get in the quicksand. We'll see if we can. If there's quicksand anywhere near the area, we'll put Eric in it because I need to. I've never even known if I. Where's Quicksick?

[Dick Toledo]

Tom DeLay, the House majority Leader, was indicted by a grand jury in Texas yesterday for criminal conspiracy and has stepped down from his post as House Majority leader. Pretty obviously. Delay laundered 190,000 in corporate donations, then used the cash to help of Republicans running for state offices in Texas. The problem is that Texas law clearly bans corporate cash from being used in state campaigns. Delay says he has done nothing wrong and that the Texas district attorney, who's going after him just as a partisan attack says, don't be fooled. The DA Ronnie Earl has gone after 15 elected politicians and his time, 12 of them were Democrats.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, really? Well, he doesn't care. He just goes after wrongdoers. Are these people all quicksand people?

[Dick Toledo]

As far as I had heard on the whole thing. I guess the delays actually was asked to endorse the whole thing, not really be involved.

[John Holmberg]

But I'm just absolutely sick of politics.

[Dick Toledo]

None of it's like, where does this come from now?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, who cares?

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Where's quicksand? Quicksand's in, like, Northern Arizona. How far up, though? Like the Little Colorado river, about 200 miles from here. Have you been stuck in quicksand? I mean, I haven't Got stuck in it. But horses and stuff get stuck in it all the time, right? And they just stand in it, right? Yeah. Well, you can't move. You got to lay down. If you don't lay down, then you keep going down.

[Dick Toledo]

So the horse. Do you, like, cut off a limb of a tree and hang it over there and pull them to safety?

[John Holmberg]

Like the Tanto Lone Ranger.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Just gotta, like, kind of twist their neck until they lay sideways, and then when they're sideways, they're cool. Really? And then what, you just drag them out? Yeah, then you just drag him out. All right, I need to put Eric in some quicksand. All right. Well, yeah, if you can. If you can give me exact locations, like gps. Pinpoint some quicksand.

[Dick Toledo]

Can you see it?

[John Holmberg]

Pinpoint some quicksand.

[Dick Toledo]

Is it pretty obvious when you see it, or is it, like, really disguised?

[John Holmberg]

No, it's disguised. It looks the same as dirt, but then you'll get on and it's like ice. The whole ground will start moving, and then you'll just break through, and then you'll be sinking. Cool. All right, we're gonna find some quicksand. Thanks, man. Right on, man. Hi, there. Who's this? You know where quicksand is? Scott. Scott. What do you got? Yeah, up in. Me and buddy of mine used to go hiking a lot up in a Paria canyon that starts in Kanab, Utah, and goes to Lee's Ferry. There's a bunch of quicksand bits up there. Really? Are they marked? No, no. You just accidentally find them. All right, we gotta get Eric in some quicksand. Yeah. Well, get this beautiful Lee's Ferry, then. Okay, thanks.

[Dick Toledo]

Like I said, you create a vacuum by. If you wiggle, you panic.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

And you. It creates the same amount of force that it would. That it takes to lift up a Volkswagen. That's how much of the vacuum is.

[John Holmberg]

So are we talking a Jetta or a Toric?

[Dick Toledo]

A Passat.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, okay.

[Dick Toledo]

Not a Beetle.

[John Holmberg]

All right. Sorry. I just want to get on the quicksand thing for a second. I got to put Eric in some quicksand.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah, but I. I think that'll be part. Gonna have to not panic.

[John Holmberg]

That'll be part of John Holmberg's world touring. Quick sand. Quick sandbox run to the quicksand box. I'm gonna get my turk. Are you done?

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah. That's it.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, that's it. All right. Nice job, Brady.

[Dick Toledo]

I have one last one.

[John Holmberg]

All right, go ahead.

[Dick Toledo]

I always thought the Germans pride themselves on not being unbelievably. Lazy crowd. Inventors have created a bar placemat. I don't think it's really lazy so much, but it weighs. Your glass of beer automatically signals the waitress when your glass is empty.

[John Holmberg]

Nick at the Olive Garden could use this little alarms go off when the weight of the glass is too light.

[Dick Toledo]

If you know you're too lazy to lift your finger, flag her down yourself or it's kind of uncomfortable. The placemats do it for you. Go off like an alarm. It debuted in the conference of Japan last month. Todayonline.com we need to get these for.

[John Holmberg]

Nick over at the Olive Garden. Worst waiter ever.

[Dick Toledo]

I wanted to go not only to beer glass, but soup, salad, Olive Garden would be all over.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, everything just for Nick. It seems like all other waiters seem to get it.

[Dick Toledo]

But the other problem with Nick is he would bring too little.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, he would. He would bring enough. That's true. We'd bring you like half a glass of tea and then like a little salad. He was trying for a party of seven guys. We got like one thing of all you can eat salad. We all had to like, eat a leaf. And then that second salad that showed up was just croutons. Worst waiter ever.

[Dick Toledo]

The first batch came out with a couple tomatoes.

[John Holmberg]

We did get tomatoes. And you just kept nitpicking and grabbing onions out, but you were losing half the salad when you took something out. Yeah, we had tomatoes. We had two onions. 150 croutons, and then a leaf of lettuce to split seven ways.

[Dick Toledo]

You think that was mixed by Nick?

[John Holmberg]

Well, that was the first one.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, I think Nick did that one. Worst waiter ever. You think he's still there today? We're going back. We're going back. We're going back for more today. And we're going to request Nick. Let's see if he try again. Try again, Nick. We did. You guys didn't tip me. You didn't bring us any food. What did you expect?

[Dick Toledo]

We tipped him.

[John Holmberg]

We didn't tip him. Tipped him 33 cents.

[Dick Toledo]

Really?

[John Holmberg]

Yes. Nick didn't bring us any food.

[Dick Toledo]

Yep.

[John Holmberg]

And what does he want? We did not tip him. We tipped Eric. Nick got blanked. And I don't do that that often.

[Dick Toledo]

And he didn't. He didn't really finish the job. He did hand the check, but he disappeared and Derek stepped in.

[John Holmberg]

Derek gave us our food.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

6:34 in the morning sickness. Nick disappeared for nine full minutes while Chuck was banging around the the glasses like a monkey in a cage.

[Dick Toledo]

He had he had a total of coffee.

[John Holmberg]

Nick's working today.

[Dick Toledo]

He had three different drinks between seven people. That was it.

[John Holmberg]

That's it. Four.

[Dick Toledo]

Iced tea.

[John Holmberg]

Iced tea. Honor Palmer. Diet Coke.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah, Five. Iced tea piece.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, that was it. Couldn't get a drink out of Nick. We're going to call and see if Nick's working in a little while. We're going to get over there again.

[Dick Toledo]

I think the day under the belt. I think he's going to be. Nick's dialed in.

[John Holmberg]

Nick was fired yesterday about 3:30. Nick, we need to talk in your office. Okay, I'll be right. I'll be right there. Nick, I asked you to come to my office 12 minutes ago. Where have you been? I have been lost all day. I feel lost. I'm lost. Come in the office. Nick, you're scaring everybody. Okay, over here. Nick, you're facing the wrong way again. Oh, boy.

[Dick Toledo]

Can I take your cottonmouth?

[John Holmberg]

Cotton mouth. Makes that guy at the Grand Canyon looking the other way. You know that group, that tour group that goes to the. And you see him and they're all looking and there's a one guy looking the other way. That's Nick. That was Nick the elder. Yeah. He's a steep tree. Yeah, look at this tree is so cool. Nick, turn around the Grand Canyon. Yeah, but there's a. The mesquites are down all over.

[Dick Toledo]

Wow, you just made me think of a grand. I want a tour of the Grand Canyon given by Nick.

[John Holmberg]

He'd walk right in. Where did this come from? Greatest thing I've ever seen in my life. Tour of the Grand Canyon. I'm 13 years old. We're up there, everybody's going. Tour group goes by and I. My dad, I thought was going to throw me in the ditch. We're standing there and this tour goes by. And in the back of the tour there are three full on canes and glasses. Blind people facing the wrong way listening to what they should see. And they're at the Grand Canyon. And I'm like, who is your travel agent? I said that to my dad, who is their travel agent that thought this was a good trip for them.

[Dick Toledo]

They could have saved some dough.

[John Holmberg]

Just take them to like, you know, backyard. It didn't matter. Yeah, just have somebody blowing on them and have an occasional fly by. Look at the majestic Grand Canyon. Except you two in the back who can't see anything.

[Dick Toledo]

I would have put on maybe a little more. You have a hawk and stuff. And then really go the nine yards and say Evel Knievel's. Ready to jump.

[John Holmberg]

Have a guy on a motorcycle crank that up. Oh, the majestic eagle. Look, everyone but you three in the back have your friends. Ooh, yes, me. But yeah, it was the greatest thing of all time. My dad's like, quit laughing. They can't see who's laughing. Quit laughing at them.

[Dick Toledo]

And what you do is, I'm holding out my arm right now. The eagle is gonna light on my arm, and now I'm gonna feed it a leg of chicken and then just have someone start eating a drumstick.

[John Holmberg]

But why do you go to the Grand Canyon if you're blind and you got two blind friends you talked into. Hey, you guys want to go listen to the Grand Canyon?

[Dick Toledo]

Well, I'll tell you, they probably would appreciate the trip more than the average would not. Could you imagine the smells they're picking up?

[John Holmberg]

They're picking up nothing. They're at a hole.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah, that's big horn sheep.

[John Holmberg]

That's the canyon. That's the smell of. There's the fire from the smell of the Grand Canyon. That's a German tourist there. What that is.

[Dick Toledo]

Hang on, I hear a plane. It's going down.

[John Holmberg]

They can hear that crash in the Colorado River. That's a smell of death. And the Grand Canyon. Blind people at the canyon. And they were facing the opposite way. And nobody said, guys, it's over here. Because what do they care?

[Dick Toledo]

From what I've heard, you wish you were blind sometimes riding on the back of the mules down there.

[John Holmberg]

Well, that would have been the best thing to see if they actually took.

[Dick Toledo]

Them right over that edge.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, that mule would have walked 25ft going, what are you guys doing here? What are you doing?

[Dick Toledo]

It's a waste of my time.

[John Holmberg]

My time is a mule. And the way to your time as a blind dude?

[Dick Toledo]

I don't know. Maybe there's some. I bet you a couple of blind people would say, oh, you're way off.

[John Holmberg]

No, blind people would you confuse. No, they wouldn't. They have to say that they're blind. If they didn't, they'd have no reason to live. They have to act like they feel it. Maybe, but the whole point of the Grand Canyon is visual. It isn't a sensory. It's visual. That's it. That's the only sense that gets stimulated by the.

[Dick Toledo]

Or the breakfast buffet at the Tovre.

[John Holmberg]

Exactly. Go to the tuvre. You can smell that bacon. Maybe that's why they were facing that direction. They could smell the bacon at the Tovre.

[Dick Toledo]

But they're like, this is Great. When does breakfast start?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Go listen to Niagara Falls. I'll give you that one. Because there's moisture in the air. You can feel it. It's large sound.

[Dick Toledo]

Could reenact that one, but Hoover.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. You could just turn on a faucet.

[Dick Toledo]

Shower. I want to go a little heavier than that.

[John Holmberg]

It only took us 18 minutes to get from Arizona to the Niagara Falls.

[Dick Toledo]

I never realized how hot the water was out of the Niagara Falls.

[John Holmberg]

If there's one blind person out there listening right now, that's gone to the Canyon. That's been to the Canyon. Tell me why, and I'll tell you. You got fooled. Blind people at the Canyon is.

[Dick Toledo]

I bet you'd be surprised.

[John Holmberg]

I'm not. I would be surprised, Brady. And the minute a blind person says, see now, I'm not afraid to tell blind people they're full of crap just because they're blind. So many people are nice to blind people about what they feel and think. No, you're blind. You're missing a part. It's nothing to be ashamed of. But you're blind. You're gonna miss out on stuff like the Grand Canyon. It's all visual. And for everything they tell me they felt.

[Dick Toledo]

I'm not going to say for you on that. I don't think they miss out on it, other than, you know, saying it exactly.

[Brady Bogan]

There's.

[Dick Toledo]

There's other things to appreciate missing out.

[John Holmberg]

On the Grand Canyon.

[Dick Toledo]

What about it is other than sight? Give me time on this.

[John Holmberg]

Tell me what those three. And, and, and as the guy taking the money for the tour do you just.

[Dick Toledo]

They got.

[John Holmberg]

Don't charge. Don't charge the blind at the Canyon. It's just. There's no reason to do it. Blind people sometimes just need to know their limits. No reason to ride a bike, drive a car, or see the Canyon. None. It's not impressive. It's just dumb.

[Dick Toledo]

You can feel it.

[John Holmberg]

Maybe you can't feel the canyon, the majestic. No, no, you cannot feel. Oh, geez. The canyon. It's 98 KUPD. If you're blind, stay home. Today, Arizona's most powerful rock radio station. He said fully erect. 98. There's more of the best of Homburg's morning sickness. 98 KUPD. You're listening to the best of. Of Homburg's morning sickness. And you might have heard a little bit of me, Frank Caliendo there, who.

[Brady Bogan]

By the way, just happens to be at the Desert Ridge Improv January 31st and February 1st, desertridgeimprov.com or something.

[John Holmberg]

You sons of bitches. Now back to the Best of Homburg's Morning Sickness.

[Brady Bogan]

Brady, when we come back, just make.

[Dick Toledo]

Sure that you plug the improv for me.

[John Holmberg]

That's right. We haven't done.

[Brady Bogan]

I am tired of this. You guys are just ignoring the fact that I'm here in town and this is just a bunch of bull crap.

[Dick Toledo]

You're right. You're right. We've dropped the ball.

[Brady Bogan]

Tell me when we're back, John.

[John Holmberg]

We're back. We've been on for a while. A little bit. Yeah, we're good.

[Brady Bogan]

Tell me when we're back.

[John Holmberg]

Who could maybe. Well, you said you were gonna. You're gonna plug as someone else every time.

[Dick Toledo]

What?

[John Holmberg]

So now plug yourself as like, let's say Jimmy Stewart. Robin Williams, though.

[Dick Toledo]

That's audio from Madden on the toilet.

[Brady Bogan]

Hit the target.

[John Holmberg]

It's kind of Robin Osborne. That's the key to the Robin Williams right there. That's.

[Brady Bogan]

Robin is our. Is our buddy. Go slow.

[John Holmberg]

You have to go very slow. I like when he gets. I like. You do that. You do better than anybody. His acceptance speech voice.

[Brady Bogan]

You know, I try. You know what I'm saying? I just go out there. I grow a beard. I get serious. You know what I'm saying? Bradford.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mor.

[John Holmberg]

Okay.

[Brady Bogan]

Bring it up a notch.

[John Holmberg]

All right. There it is. All right. Are you. Are you ready to bring the president here? Are you ready?

[Brady Bogan]

I'm here, guys.

[John Holmberg]

I knew he'd be here. Let's get his music going, for God's sake.

[Brady Bogan]

Temp.com buy your tickets now. Goes are going really fast because I say this so much on the radio today, sir. You can't get them on flying in. And the. There's more song to sing.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, you got a lot.

[Brady Bogan]

809-219-877 Circle Head that number again is 4921-9877.

[John Holmberg]

Get bad news, President.

[Brady Bogan]

What?

[John Holmberg]

This is on a loop. So you know it's gonna.

[Brady Bogan]

Here we go again. I could say it all day and on the loop. Whatever that.

[John Holmberg]

Happy birthday. First of all, thanks, guys. Congratulations for making it 59 years.

[Brady Bogan]

59.

[John Holmberg]

59 today.

[Brady Bogan]

That's pretty good. It's like two less than six.

[John Holmberg]

They were well, yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

Sylvester Sloan are both 59.

[Brady Bogan]

Sly's here.

[John Holmberg]

I brought him. Did you bring him?

[Brady Bogan]

Come on in, Sly.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, great. I guess slicer. You know what's going on? How you doing? Hey, how you doing?

[Brady Bogan]

Say yo, Adrian.

[John Holmberg]

Yo. I can't say that.

[Dick Toledo]

And Also, Sly, you're 59W. You're 59. And Fred Dreyer is 59. Television, too. Where's Dee Dee McCarthy?

[John Holmberg]

You may remember me from Hunter.

[Brady Bogan]

Who's that British guy?

[John Holmberg]

Ladies Hunter, sir.

[Brady Bogan]

Television's Hunter. Fred Dryer.

[John Holmberg]

Hello. I just go to Dame Edna when I don't have one. Hello.

[Dick Toledo]

Hello.

[John Holmberg]

How are you, Little puppet? Let's go. We get a little line, sir. And you're gonna sing songs to people, and if they guess what they are, they're gonna win Brady's big fat prize pack.

[Brady Bogan]

I am?

[John Holmberg]

I think you are. You are?

[Dick Toledo]

That's correct.

[John Holmberg]

Because you're like a TV junkie. A lot of people don't know.

[Brady Bogan]

I do. I watch a lot of television.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, because that's how you stay up on tournaments.

[Brady Bogan]

Spanish, they call it television.

[John Holmberg]

You speak Spanish. I forgot about that.

[Brady Bogan]

Espanolish.

[Dick Toledo]

You watch Hell's Kitchen?

[Brady Bogan]

W. Yeah. That's the one with the. The kitchen in hell.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, that's it.

[Brady Bogan]

Who's making my pancakes? The devil. Those are some devil cakes.

[John Holmberg]

You know. The devil's gay. Is.

[Brady Bogan]

Yeah, we're normal.

[John Holmberg]

I don't know. Hell, yeah. There's a gay devil. They hate the gays in heaven. That's the only place they can go. So the devil must be a little gay.

[Brady Bogan]

All right, I get it.

[John Holmberg]

You got that? You're with me on that.

[Brady Bogan]

Explains that pointy tail thing.

[John Holmberg]

I don't know. That's kind of a deterrent for gays, really, isn't it? You want a nice, soft tail.

[Brady Bogan]

So I'm not sure. No, I do. Oh, I know.

[John Holmberg]

It's presidential. This is beautiful. You're here, you're best friends with his dad now. Bill Clinton joins us along with George W. This morning. Maybe duets on the way.

[Brady Bogan]

Maybe this is the last duet I'm ever gonna do with you. No, I think that's another.

[Dick Toledo]

You in for another Egg McMuffin?

[Brady Bogan]

Another Barry. I'll do it.

[Dick Toledo]

See?

[Brady Bogan]

Get it for me. I will make that muffin. Egg mu. Make. That didn't make sense. This guy's losing it, man.

[Dick Toledo]

He's crazy.

[Brady Bogan]

Crazy.

[John Holmberg]

All right, we got somebody in the line here. Hi, there. Who's this? Josh. Josh. Say hello to the President of the United States and wish him a happy birthday.

[Dick Toledo]

How's it going, G.W.

[Brady Bogan]

Hey, Josh. Your name is a verb.

[John Holmberg]

Thank you.

[Brady Bogan]

You're joshing me. Get it? I laugh like a mupp.

[John Holmberg]

All right, Josh, the President is going to sing you a television theme song. And you have to guess it for Brady's big Fat Prize pack. Are you ready?

[Dick Toledo]

Yep.

[John Holmberg]

All right. It includes an Item of food.

[Brady Bogan]

Can we decide what song I'm singing?

[John Holmberg]

You can do whatever you want. Hold on, I got one for. I'm gonna test you myself here. Hang on a second. Let me write one down.

[Brady Bogan]

See if we get it here.

[John Holmberg]

All right. I bet you can do this.

[Brady Bogan]

Homeless Berg is writing it down.

[Dick Toledo]

Homeburg.

[John Holmberg]

See if you can break through that. Can he do it? I know you can.

[Brady Bogan]

I'm trying to not get the. There's a new boy in our neighborhood he lives downstairs and it's understood he's in charge of me because he's part of the family.

[John Holmberg]

All right, any ideas on what he started there? Charles in Charge. Charles in Charge is correct.

[Brady Bogan]

You're a geek, man.

[John Holmberg]

He's got to get, too. All right, deal. How about. Hold.

[Brady Bogan]

Let me get through this one. There's a new boy in our neighborhood lives downstairs and it's understood he's in there just to take good care of me like he's part of the family. Charles in charge of our days and our nuts. Charles in charge of our wrongs and. All right, I want Charles in charge of me. Nicole Eggert was hot.

[John Holmberg]

All right, you got to get the second one.

[Brady Bogan]

How this one goes?

[John Holmberg]

You can write down the first words.

[Dick Toledo]

I think if you want to do this, you can.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, yeah. Here we go. Here we go.

[Brady Bogan]

Show me that smile again don't waste another minute on your crying we're nowhere near the end Nowhere near the. The best is ready to begin oh, as long as we got each other we got the world spinning right in our hands Baby, you and me we gotta be the luckiest dreamers you could ever could dream as long as we keep on giving we can take anything.

[John Holmberg]

That comes our way all right, Josh, any ideas?

[Brady Bogan]

I'm not done. Baby, rain or shine all the time we got each other sharing the laughter.

[John Holmberg]

And love oh, that's very, very impressive, Mr. President. Last note there, because I know the show, it's the two chicks, but I can't think of the name of it. Oh, come on, now. You can do it. Oh, hold on, Josh. You can do it.

[Dick Toledo]

It's arguable. Say two chicks, you can't do it.

[John Holmberg]

Really hot chick, but I can't think of their name. No, you're off base anywhere.

[Dick Toledo]

You're way off.

[John Holmberg]

Come on.

[Brady Bogan]

You're in the thick of it, man.

[John Holmberg]

There's a hint. Mike Darrow.

[Dick Toledo]

Holy. See?

[John Holmberg]

No, those were the hot chicks I was thinking of, but that's not the right show.

[Brady Bogan]

I don't know how hot that. I don't I can't. I don't think I could do that one. Toledo.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, I know you can. And you can do it as the guy who sings it.

[Brady Bogan]

You know what? I'll tell you which one I want. I'll tell you what song I want.

[John Holmberg]

Nice try, Josh. Thanks for calling, man. Oh, it's so organized.

[Brady Bogan]

Give me a. Give me a pan or something.

[John Holmberg]

All right. Can you do Mr. Belvedere?

[Brady Bogan]

That's what I was thinking.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, no. That's what I was thinking. I'm sorry. Look at that. Never matter before who cares?

[Dick Toledo]

Drop kick.

[Brady Bogan]

Your jacket came through the door no one glared Sometimes things get turned around and we want spare Big out All hands look out below Here's a change in status quo Gonna need all the help that we can get According to our new arrival Life is more than mere survival we just might live the good life yet why do we know this stuff? Master Owen?

[Dick Toledo]

I wouldn't get the ball.

[John Holmberg]

Euchre.

[Brady Bogan]

Euchre's almost Rod Roddy.

[Dick Toledo]

I don't know.

[Brady Bogan]

Belvedere.

[Brian Callan]

The corner.

[Brady Bogan]

And miss.

[John Holmberg]

Holy cow. We're losing it here. All right, let's try another one. Hi there. Who's this? David. Sorry, we're just goofing around this morning. David.

[Brady Bogan]

David.

[John Holmberg]

David. How are you? Pretty good. Are you ready to play? Yeah. You think you got anything on you? I hope so. You're like, carrying. I can. I can hear it.

[Brady Bogan]

You ever.

[John Holmberg]

What?

[Brady Bogan]

You ever seen Caddy? Adonis?

[John Holmberg]

He got there.

[Brady Bogan]

I can't do that.

[John Holmberg]

Who knows that? What's the matter with you?

[Dick Toledo]

Chico and the man.

[John Holmberg]

I know which one you can do. Well, you did it the other day.

[Dick Toledo]

I gave him one of you. It's easy.

[Brady Bogan]

You want me to do that now? The world don't move to the beat of just one drum. What might be right for you may not be right for some A man is born He's a man with green Then along comes two they got nothing but the genes it takes different strokes. It takes different strokes.

[John Holmberg]

I think you got this one.

[Brady Bogan]

Different strokes.

[Dick Toledo]

To rule the world.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Yeah. That's a different stroke. That's right. All right. He's got to get another one now. The tough one.

[Brady Bogan]

I went too far on that one.

[John Holmberg]

Push that one, President. Yeah, that's right. You got it. You got a little ahead of yourself, Mr. President.

[Brady Bogan]

Yeah, I'm thinking of one I was gonna do. This one doesn't count on Sunday. Monday. Happy Days. That gives it way too fast. That might be too easy. Man. Even I get that one.

[John Holmberg]

What was the other one? You had up there. Why didn't he do that one? I like that one. What happened to that?

[Brady Bogan]

I don't know how that one goes.

[John Holmberg]

Want me to help? Here, I'll start you. Oh, wait. Maybe I don't need it.

[Brady Bogan]

It's hard, man.

[John Holmberg]

This is horrifying, all that. You got one?

[Brady Bogan]

It's difficultification. Yeah, Let me think of one here. Here we are, face to face. A couple of. Da, da, da. Can't say the words. I screwed that one up before.

[John Holmberg]

No, it's all right. Go ahead. I like what you're doing. Oh, there you go.

[Brady Bogan]

Hold on. Alfonso has it for me. Oh, now, that's not one. You want me to do this one?

[John Holmberg]

That's a good one.

[Brady Bogan]

How about that last one I did?

[John Holmberg]

I like the last one. Do you have a guess for the last one he did?

[Brady Bogan]

You're not out if you don't get it, cuz. What was it?

[John Holmberg]

Can you do it again?

[Brady Bogan]

Here we are, face to face. A couple of Da, da, da. Ricky schroeder's over here, Mr. Stratton's over there. And Edward Stratton the third. There's a train going through our living room. All right, let's.

[Dick Toledo]

Johnny, just. Just. Can't get over this.

[Brady Bogan]

Okay, let's just.

[John Holmberg]

Let's forget that chair.

[Brady Bogan]

That one's Silver Spoons. I don't. I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it. Five. Here we go.

[John Holmberg]

This would be a good one.

[Brady Bogan]

Hey, what is your name again?

[John Holmberg]

David.

[Brady Bogan]

David. You've been to Tempe Improv?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Don't forget that.

[Brady Bogan]

David.

[John Holmberg]

David, are you gonna go to the Tempe Improv? I'll try. No, you'll do it.

[Brady Bogan]

You'll do it?

[John Holmberg]

Okay. Okay, I'll do it. The president says you have to. I'll do it for you.

[Brady Bogan]

W. Don't Clintonify man. Now, this is a story all about how my life got flipped, turned upside down. And I'd like to take a minute, just sit right there.

[John Holmberg]

And I tell you. Frank Franklin, Bel Air is correct. Nice. Puts the game to an end. Is that how it starts?

[Brady Bogan]

Now this is a story all about how my life got flipped, turned upside down. I like taking manager. Sit right there. Tell you how a story about a French prince. One is.

[John Holmberg]

Hold on a second. David. Charlie Bush.

[Brady Bogan]

Whatever happened to predictability? The milkman, the paper boy. Evening tv. Everywhere you look.

[John Holmberg]

Everywhere.

[Brady Bogan]

Everywhere you look. Everywhere you go, There's a heart. There's a heart. Hold on a hand. Hold on to. Everywhere you look. Everywhere you go, there's a face of someone Honey.

[John Holmberg]

Buddy.

[Brady Bogan]

Who needs you? Everywhere you look when you're lost out there and you're all alone A light is waiting to carry you home Everywhere you look Everywhere what?

[John Holmberg]

Everywhere I look George Bush is Bob Sage beautiful.

[Brady Bogan]

At the Champion Club a couple weeks ago.

[John Holmberg]

That's right.

[Dick Toledo]

Now, Frank Keddy Adongo last week.

[John Holmberg]

No, Frank is here this week.

[Dick Toledo]

Two weeks ago.

[John Holmberg]

SAG. It was two weeks ago.

[Brady Bogan]

It's France for SAGAT.

[Dick Toledo]

Three weeks ago.

[John Holmberg]

Thank you, Mr. President. We got a special birthday plans today.

[Brady Bogan]

Yeah, I'm gonna make a birthday wish.

[John Holmberg]

Okay. What are you wishing for?

[Brady Bogan]

Can't tell you.

[John Holmberg]

Why not?

[Brady Bogan]

Because then it won't come true.

[John Holmberg]

Well, you haven't wished it yet, so it doesn't matter.

[Brady Bogan]

You might have a point.

[John Holmberg]

Are you wishing for a third term?

[Brady Bogan]

Yeah, some constitutional.

[John Holmberg]

Are you wishing for gay marriage?

[Brady Bogan]

I'm fine with gay marriage. You know that.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, I know.

[Dick Toledo]

You're big Supreme Court judges in your pocket. In your pocket. Yeah.

[Brady Bogan]

Listen, first of all, I'm fine with gay marriages. Long as a gay man married a gay woman. You know that gay woman married a gay man, your parts have to match up.

[Dick Toledo]

About nominees.

[Brady Bogan]

Nominees.

[John Holmberg]

Well handled.

[Brady Bogan]

What?

[Dick Toledo]

What's the question for the Supreme Court? You got a couple of openings.

[Brady Bogan]

Nominees for the Supreme Court? That I'm looking at.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah.

[Brady Bogan]

Are nominees people who are job.

[Dick Toledo]

Sorry.

[Brady Bogan]

Up for the job.

[John Holmberg]

It's true.

[Brady Bogan]

Nominated people.

[Dick Toledo]

They live in a sovereign nation.

[Brady Bogan]

Sovereignty, where sovereignness is sovereign and sovereign serenity. Sovereignty.

[Dick Toledo]

I love that stuff.

[Brady Bogan]

You screwed that word up. Sovereignty.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, so I'm sorry. That's my fault.

[Dick Toledo]

Your grandmother loves that dessert.

[Brady Bogan]

Any other tough question.

[John Holmberg]

Does Laura give you anything special? Like for your birthday? Usually.

[Brady Bogan]

Does she blow out the candles?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Does she Clintify you?

[Brady Bogan]

I'm laughing like Statler and Waldorf.

[John Holmberg]

He slept through the whole show.

[Brady Bogan]

Why do we always come here? I guess I'll never know. It's like some kind of torture to have to watch show. Brady just kicks back and gulps that big dog.

[John Holmberg]

Clinton and Bush as Stadler and Waldorf. That's solid. Nobody's getting this. Is anyone understanding all these TV references?

[Brady Bogan]

I mean, it doesn't matter. And if it did matter, we wouldn't be here. This is the kind of things that people don't understand. You don't have to get every joke. No, and a lot of them aren't jokes. True. A lot of them are just us trying to find a joke. And when you can't find the joke, Madden, you just circle it like they did with that phone number there. 480-921-9877.

[John Holmberg]

I've never been part of such blatant horror.

[Brady Bogan]

I want the best part.

[Dick Toledo]

I thought I'd throw a Doors lyric in there. It's like, tomorrow.

[John Holmberg]

I'm going to be here tomorrow. Robot Madden. Tomorrow I am being reprogrammed. Oh, it's brilliant.

[Brady Bogan]

We can save him.

[John Holmberg]

You make it very difficult for me to move on because I like laughing. Six million dollar mad. That's brilliant. We can rebuild him. He just lay in there.

[Brady Bogan]

We gotta figure out the words to the Incredible Hulk.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, that was Dr. David. What you were doing there was Knight Rider. No. Oh, that was. Okay, that's it.

[Dick Toledo]

That's right.

[Brady Bogan]

And then it would go to commercial.

[John Holmberg]

Screen, screen, screen, screen. That's. You're screwing with Brady now. Because you know what TV show Brady always references? This will throw you?

[Brady Bogan]

Designing Women.

[John Holmberg]

That one's a big one. Because he's a big. He's a big guy. He's a big Meshach Taylor fan.

[Dick Toledo]

But that's scary.

[John Holmberg]

He loves Apple's Way. Never heard of it either. That's the bit.

[Brady Bogan]

How about 10 speed and brown Shoe?

[John Holmberg]

Oh, yeah.

[Brady Bogan]

Me and Ben Vereen.

[John Holmberg]

Arizona's most powerful rock video. He said fully erect. The Best of Homburg's Morning Sickness. I'm Maddie Akupd. Hey, you're listening to the Best of Holmberg's Morning Sickness. I haven't been in it for a while, but that's okay.

[Brady Bogan]

There's just a lot of great stuff.

[John Holmberg]

That happens here with John and the crew in the morning. But if you do like some meister, Frank Caliano, by the way, you're. Hey, folks, John Mad here. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I beat the Desert Ridge Improv January 31st through February 1st. Desertridgeimprov.com for tickets. You're tired of the pugs. I get it. Back to the Best of Homburg's Morning Sickness.

[Dick Toledo]

The Best of.

[John Holmberg]

Did I say that? I don't know. I didn't pay attention. Frank Caliendo, Nine o'rock. It's a nine o'rock hour all of a sudden. Frank Caliendo has been here with us all morning. And Frank Caliendo week began, actually last Tuesday. Tuesday or so, with a bunch of awkward emails.

[Brady Bogan]

Two weeks.

[John Holmberg]

Two weeks of you.

[Brady Bogan]

Two weeks, actually is 14 days of one weakness.

[John Holmberg]

Because we like the FC, aren't we?

[Brady Bogan]

Plugging the crap out of me all week.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, yeah, all week. But today, today, I mean, just, you know, I can't really? Say, you know, what if one of.

[Dick Toledo]

Us all week long.

[Brady Bogan]

We could spell W E a K to Brady Leford.

[John Holmberg]

So the president has some more songs.

[Dick Toledo]

But he would be good spelling B.

[John Holmberg]

The wb. Brady Bogan. That's brilliant. The spelling bee according to George W. Bush. The wb.

[Brady Bogan]

I like a new network called the gwb. Check out the Frog. Michigan J. Frog after Charmed, it's me.

[John Holmberg]

His debut. Fellow Americans.

[Brady Bogan]

What's up, Americana?

[Dick Toledo]

W. The Vampire Slayer.

[John Holmberg]

George, you had an idea to get more. More people involved in the game.

[Brady Bogan]

Yeah, we're all gonna sing together.

[John Holmberg]

That's gonna be individuals.

[Brady Bogan]

No, we're all singing together as a chorus.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, nuts. All right, good. What song you want there?

[Brady Bogan]

G. Do we have a contestantification?

[John Holmberg]

Yes, we have. Are you a contestant that wants to play? Yeah. All right. Turn your radio down. Holy cow are your phone is echoing. All right, good. All right, here we go. What's your name? Chris. Chris, Hang on a second. Stay right there. Okay. How's this phone echoing so heavily? All right, George.

[Brady Bogan]

All right, this will be an easy one.

[John Holmberg]

We got one that's eat. Well, that's easy. It's almost too easy.

[Brady Bogan]

All right, let's skip it.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brady Bogan]

We'Ll go do. We'll go to this one.

[Dick Toledo]

This will be hard.

[John Holmberg]

All right, let's do it. And. And do you have any friends you want to bring in?

[Brady Bogan]

I'm singing this one, man.

[John Holmberg]

Are you doing this one solo?

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

I don't know. Who do you. Who would you like here?

[Brady Bogan]

I don't care, man.

[Dick Toledo]

He's a family man. Pacino is a big family man.

[John Holmberg]

That's a difficult one to sing.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah, I can do it.

[John Holmberg]

You want to do that?

[Brady Bogan]

You want to be G.W.

[John Holmberg]

All right, man, we'll switch it up. Here we go.

[Brady Bogan]

Here it is.

[John Holmberg]

Fired off. Shoot.

[Brady Bogan]

I was the wrong person.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, that's right. That was me. Ready? You're gonna guess here now, Brady, who are you gonna be? I say you're a English guy.

[Dick Toledo]

Okay.

[John Holmberg]

All right, good.

[Brady Bogan]

Let's do this one in G flat.

[John Holmberg]

A one and a two and a Pacino.

[Brady Bogan]

There's a magic in early morning.

[John Holmberg]

When.

[Brady Bogan]

The sun rise Smiles on everything around hello?

[Dick Toledo]

Hello.

[Brady Bogan]

It's a portrait of the happiness that we feel it always will for blank is enough to fill our lands with love hello?

[John Holmberg]

Hello? That's good. Any guesses? I have no. I can't really hear y'all. Blank is enough. That's very impressive. I don't know how he's done it.

[Brady Bogan]

Nicholas, stop doing drugs.

[John Holmberg]

We can hear Your flashback. Hang on a second. Holy cow.

[Brady Bogan]

Tommy Bradford.

[John Holmberg]

Nicholas. All right, we have another person in line. Hi there. Turn your radio down. Who's this? It's a gambler. Gambler? You want to play? I'll give it a try. All right. You don't think from ages enough.

[Dick Toledo]

Willie Ames. You know what he is right now? What he's doing on television?

[John Holmberg]

He is the Jesus Bible man.

[Dick Toledo]

Bible man.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, that's right. How about this one?

[Brady Bogan]

Yes, I like that one.

[John Holmberg]

All right. And you can be G Dubs.

[Brady Bogan]

Okay.

[John Holmberg]

And then I'll be Regis.

[Brady Bogan]

Okay, that sounds good.

[John Holmberg]

All right. And Brady is English guy.

[Brady Bogan]

Chime in here, Charlie.

[John Holmberg]

Charlie.

[Brady Bogan]

You just be in the background.

[John Holmberg]

Ready, Gambler? Yeah. You just kind of work the. The drums with your mouth. No, you don't need the lyrics. All right. Ready? G dubs. Kicker off. 3, 2, 1.

[Brady Bogan]

Thank you for being a friend? Travel down the road and back again.

[John Holmberg]

Hello, hello. Your heart is true?

[Brady Bogan]

You're a pal and a confidant? And if you. If you threw a party? Invited everyone you know? You would see the biggest gift would be from me? And the card attached would say? Thank you for being a friend.

[Dick Toledo]

Hello, hello.

[John Holmberg]

Holy crap. You guys all leprechauns? Anyway, what's your guess?

[Brady Bogan]

Get it. A pot of gold.

[John Holmberg]

Gambler's out there in Phoenix. George. All right, then.

[Brady Bogan]

Anyway, Regis, phone a friend.

[John Holmberg]

Gambler's out there in Phoenix right now there, and he's give JJ handjob show. That's the one that we were looking for last time. But we can't do that again. Please. This is the one that when you were a teenager, you used to get aroused to this television show. I'm sure of it.

[Brady Bogan]

F Troop.

[John Holmberg]

F Troop. F Troop is correct for Frank. That's true. Anything? Nothing. I'm out.

[Brady Bogan]

The bear.

[John Holmberg]

BJ and the bear used to get me as well. Brady. I'm chubby thinking about it. Nice work. All right, Gambler's card. Let's try another one here. Sorry, I'm in mode now. I can't get out. Who's this? Hey, this is Greg. Greg. Do you have any idea what Georgia and I were singing? You know, I caught it late cause I was transferring from my truck. All right.

[Brady Bogan]

Thank you for being a friend?

[John Holmberg]

Travel down the road back again?

[Brady Bogan]

Your heart is true. You're a pal and a confidant?

[John Holmberg]

And if you threw a party?

[Brady Bogan]

Invited everyone you knew?

[John Holmberg]

Then you would see the biggest gift would be from me?

[Brady Bogan]

And the card attached would say?

[John Holmberg]

Thank you for being a friend.

[Dick Toledo]

Hello, hello.

[John Holmberg]

Thank you English guy. Oh, I know this one, too. All right, you can get it here. It's Regis and George in the.

[Brady Bogan]

Come on, you're golden.

[John Holmberg]

You can do it, English guy. And he hints.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Hold on.

[Brady Bogan]

Let's play the game called yeah, Make.

[Dick Toledo]

Brady think it's Arthur.

[John Holmberg]

There's a good hint. That's not. What was that hint? I missed it.

[Brady Bogan]

Come on, man. You're golden.

[Dick Toledo]

Be Arthur.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, golden girl. You go, girl. All right, he's done it. It's Golden Girls. Congratulations. Shall we make him go through one more?

[Brady Bogan]

Yes.

[John Holmberg]

All right, I agree. Yeah, you pick it up. Now that I'm stuck in Regis, this is going to happen all day. What do you got up there, Dick Toledo? Jeez. All right, Gilman, hand that over. I got one for you guys, too.

[Brady Bogan]

You're going to.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, my God.

[Brady Bogan]

You're going to have to wait, cuz we got some singing.

[John Holmberg]

Here we go. We're going to sing away.

[Brady Bogan]

I bet we band together for a million years and I'll bet we'll be.

[John Holmberg]

Together for a million more oh, it threw me. I'm sorry.

[Brady Bogan]

Oh, it's like I started breathing on the night we kissed and I can't.

[John Holmberg]

Remember what I ever did before what.

[Brady Bogan]

Do we do, baby, without us? What do we do, baby, without us?

[John Holmberg]

I think this is you and there.

[Brady Bogan]

Ain'T no nothing we can't love each other through what do we do, baby, without us?

[Dick Toledo]

There's a milk bone in my pocket.

[John Holmberg]

Maybe Rick Moranis, everybody. Thank you. That's not the Back to Life, is it? Very close. What's happening Now? What's happening now is correct.

[Dick Toledo]

Wow.

[John Holmberg]

Best guess ever. I watched a lot of tv. Best guess ever. It's Family Ties. But it was the black what's Happening Now? So that would be.

[Dick Toledo]

We did watch a lot of tv.

[John Holmberg]

Just for remembering what's happening Now. Roger King, baby. You know Rerun and Brady are close. Remember Rerun's chasing that truck down the.

[Brady Bogan]

Street when Mama would take off the belt. What are you gonna.

[Dick Toledo]

What are you gonna do?

[John Holmberg]

Hang him. Oh, my God.

[Dick Toledo]

Every time she take off, I'm telling.

[John Holmberg]

Mama what's happening now For a quarter.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah, I watched a lot of tv.

[John Holmberg]

That guy wins for having sat through an episode of what's Happening Now. They brought it back. That is brilliant.

[Dick Toledo]

I can see how you get them mixed up. Two of the others did look like reruns.

[John Holmberg]

Regis and George did the Family Ties thing. There's a future there. And maybe not 98. KUPD, Arizona's most powerful rock Media, he said, fully erect. Cease and desist at once. The best of homebird's morning sickness. This is the big red radio. This is what. You're one of my favorite people that ever came to.

[Brian Callan]

My favorite. You're one of my favorite blondes, I'll tell you that. I mean, what is this guy gonna go gray? His telomeres must be super long.

[John Holmberg]

Brian Callan is here. He's a Desert Ridge Improv tonight. Tomorrow and Sunday, if you want to go. Desertridgeimprov.com and of course, you were telling us about this radical thing you're doing, which is a podcast. Am I saying it right?

[Brian Callan]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, guys, I do a podcast called. Called Off Limits now. Well, this fighter and the kid, but I have my own. Called Off Limits.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brian Callan]

Because the things we talk about Off Limit.

[Dick Toledo]

Wow.

[John Holmberg]

I'd ask you what the topics are, but I don't think we can talk about it.

[Brian Callan]

Doesn't matter. You talk about this on the limits.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. They're off limits. Yes, except for in your.

[Brian Callan]

Don't even bother trying to listen invite only.

[John Holmberg]

You don't subscribe. You have to be invited.

[Brian Callan]

You got to be invited.

[John Holmberg]

You're the American Express platinum.

[Dick Toledo]

There's a waiting list.

[Brian Callan]

Yeah, there's a waiting list. And more importantly, I'll be at the desert. Desert Ridge. The ridge of the desert. It's my favorite.

[John Holmberg]

That.

[Brian Callan]

That's like. Where are you going? Going to the desert. Which part? The ridge.

[John Holmberg]

The outer.

[Brian Callan]

Nobody comes back from there.

[Dick Toledo]

It's dangerous.

[Brian Callan]

I know.

[John Holmberg]

Callan's hitting the ridge. We'll never see him again. Brian's out there this week if you want to go. Desert Ridge Improv. I got emailed. People sent me this yesterday, and they are most curious about you.

[Brian Callan]

Yeah, People like, how do I move the way?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Why do you. How do you like a panther, kid?

[Brian Callan]

Move the way like he's 30.

[John Holmberg]

He's still a dancer at heart. But the. These. They're sending me audio of you. And I didn't know this because I'm. I haven't been invited. That you evidently are in cahoots or tight with Sammy the Bull in some sort of way.

[Brian Callan]

I'm. I'm. There is a. There is a very good chance that Sammy the Bull Gravano will be at my show.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, don't. No, I didn't do it.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah, I got some.

[Brian Callan]

I got some. I think that I actually got some celebs coming. I'm not going to say who they are, but it's kind of exciting. But Sammy the Bull is what I'm the most excited.

[John Holmberg]

That is amazing.

[Brian Callan]

And I call him periodically. We FaceTime when I'm with my friend.

[John Holmberg]

How did that happen?

[Brian Callan]

I had. I literally was watching him and I couldn't stop watching his podcast.

[John Holmberg]

Right.

[Brian Callan]

And I just said, I talked to Patrick David who had had him on because I was doing his podcast, and I said, I gotta. I gotta talk to this guy. Because I was living in New York when Sammy the Bull and John Gotti ran that whole place. Yeah, they controlled everything. But Sammy is one of those dudes. If he hadn't been a criminal, he would have been like a billionaire.

[John Holmberg]

Really?

[Brian Callan]

Yeah. Because he's so smart.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brian Callan]

And. And he's kind of like, to me, kind of like a modern day samurai. Like, if he's one of those dudes who's like, I live by the sword, die by the sword. Like, he's just one of those dudes. He was the guy. Castellano said, you're a racketeer. You're a businessman and a gangster. You know, And I'm just fascinated by that.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, he's fast.

[Brian Callan]

We did a. We did a. I did a YouTube show with him. I did a two part series called Best of with Brian Callan and invite only. Invite only. And I flew him out. I flew him out and I. And I. But I had to have an interview with him. Yeah, I had to. He's in the background where I'm talking to his assistant. And I had to explain why I was interested in him. And I. And I made. And I said, I'm flying you out, I'm putting you up and I'm paying you to come out here because out.

[John Holmberg]

Of respect and spend through it.

[Brian Callan]

First of all, Sammy, if you listen, I want to apologize on behalf of these guys over here without. There's no respect.

[John Holmberg]

None. But.

[Brian Callan]

But he comes from the same part of Brooklyn that my mother comes from.

[John Holmberg]

Okay.

[Brian Callan]

So there's a whole thing. But I had a great two days with that.

[John Holmberg]

So how do you. Like what? Because there's got to be. He's the bravest. I don't know. You say the bravest, like monster because he.

[Brian Callan]

The thing.

[Dick Toledo]

He hears so many different stories.

[Brian Callan]

Understand? If you're from New York, I know where I've eaten at Sparks Steakhouse.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brian Callan]

It's in the middle of everything.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brian Callan]

Say he was like, let's kill the biggest gangster in the middle of everything. And we'll dress up like Russians.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. And do it in the road during dinner. Like it wasn't midnight.

[Brian Callan]

Shoot him in the middle of the day.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brian Callan]

Christmas, everybody like, wow, we're shopping. And then just. We'll leave. I'd be like, what? Can we. Can we sneak? And I said to him, I go, why did you sneak up when he came out of his house? No, I wasn't going to do that. I'm not going to do that in front of his family.

[John Holmberg]

Because of the family.

[Brian Callan]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. They don't do that to the family. It's a crazy honor. And then at the end, he's the one who tears it all down. Sorta.

[Brian Callan]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

And then wanders off.

[Brian Callan]

Well, because John Gotti, he realized that. He go. They go, you got to take the fall. And he goes, is this how we're going to do that? That's what we're going to do.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brian Callan]

Okay.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brian Callan]

Right. To the Fed.

[John Holmberg]

Because the whole thing had gone into a different element, too. He was old school in this new drug nonsense, and everything that had turned into. Wasn't what he said.

[Brian Callan]

I think he also realized that John Gotti was gonna kill him.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Oh, for sure.

[Brian Callan]

But who knows about this stuff? I don't. You know, I just.

[John Holmberg]

I've watched so many. Like, he's. He doesn't talk because he's Italian. This is. This is. This is where he's.

[Dick Toledo]

But in trouble here in Phoenix.

[John Holmberg]

Well, no, but that's the thing that makes him, like. To me, it's like, you were off. You're done, You're. You're out.

[Brian Callan]

You never had him on the pot on this.

[John Holmberg]

I would love to.

[Brian Callan]

I'm gonna talk to him.

[John Holmberg]

Okay. I would love to, because it would be just a fascinating thing to say. But he's been asked all the questions you can ask. I want to know what he's doing now.

[Brian Callan]

Like, a lot.

[John Holmberg]

I know he's busy, but, I mean, is it the. Is a head on a swivel? Is it a constant?

[Brian Callan]

No, he's the guy who decided. He's the guy. When he came. When he. When he, you know, came here, he didn't get. He refused witness protection.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. He.

[Brian Callan]

He and the Colombo family, I think whoever ran this out here, they were like, they literally said, look, this guy's coming. And when this guy shows up, people end up in the trunks of cars.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brian Callan]

So they. They had to have a sit down with him. They said, they. They said, hey, what are your intentions? He goes, relax.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brian Callan]

All right. So when you can.

[John Holmberg]

The best thing you can hear from.

[Brian Callan]

Sammy, the entire family.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brian Callan]

Underground family.

[John Holmberg]

You got something? And they knew, and he started to do, like, a little drug operation over at ASU and popping pills. Exactly. See, you're learning. You're learning. I learned from the best. He told. Oh. But, yeah. So then he's just like, ah, screw it. I'm Sammy the Bull.

[Brian Callan]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

And just gets, like, out. And he's like. That's how scary he is.

[Brian Callan]

He tells stories.

[John Holmberg]

They don't. They don't go and get him.

[Brian Callan]

Yeah. And he gets a lot of requests to come on, but I imagine. Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. It's crazy. So, yeah, people were sending me that, and they're like, charming.

[Brian Callan]

He can tell a story. I mean, I. Dinner with him, I mean, it was great.

[John Holmberg]

You don't worry.

[Brian Callan]

I learned. I asked him questions. I call him up and I ask him questions. I'm in traffic. I was in traffic, where I was coming from jfk, and I'm sitting in traffic again in New York. Always it takes two hours because they're working construction. And every time they got construction, there's nobody there. Right. It's all a scam. Still. And I call him up. I'm on FaceTime. The Uber driver couldn't believe it. I go, sammy, explain to me how you guys did this, because you're killing me. Your legacy has got me in traffic. And he went through all of it. And the guy's, like, talking the book.

[John Holmberg]

So the Uber driver was okay with the passenger just popping in with Sammy the Bull.

[Brian Callan]

We start. He said, this is the. This is the. The Uber driver brought up that this is the construction that never ends.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brian Callan]

And I said, that's.

[John Holmberg]

That's them.

[Brian Callan]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

And it's always them. And it's here. Like, what you don't know is it's. It's like Phoenix is hidden.

[Brian Callan]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

This is where everybody came to kind of hide out, but they kept their businesses well.

[Brian Callan]

But. But what got the mob was everybody was cameras. Everywhere was the surveillance state. You can't get away with it.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brian Callan]

Now you can't do a hit.

[John Holmberg]

No.

[Brian Callan]

I mean, you got.

[Dick Toledo]

The trucks don't go missing on the highway. Allegedly.

[Brian Callan]

No, they can. They can trace.

[John Holmberg]

And it's crazy because it's. It's all over. And you don't even realize how much it's been. A caliento story is phenomenal because they had his uncle. I think it was Uncle Frank. And Uncle Frank used to always say things like, you can't get cheese in Chicago without going through me. Like, he was the cheese king of Chicago. He'd remind the family on a regular. Frank tells his story. So great. Cheese so he passes away.

[Brian Callan]

Big mouse.

[John Holmberg]

He passes away. And they're like, oh, go to Uncle Frank's funeral. Everything's done. And then a few years later, somebody sends a video of a guy in Oklahoma going, you can't get cheese in Oklahoma City without going through me. And then he just shows up again one year, and nobody says a thing. Weren't we at his funeral? I got tired. Oklahoma. I came back. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. So he comes rolling back up.

[Brian Callan]

Take a little time off.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brian Callan]

Took some time away.

[John Holmberg]

Heats off.

[Brian Callan]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

And he showed up again. And I'm so. It's just this undercurrent of all this stuff we don't know and probably don't want to.

[Brian Callan]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

And how this world.

[Brian Callan]

Well, I think the strength back then of the mob was that they. And he. Samuel talks about this. Was the discipline there was. If you're Italian, you understand. It's like. Italians are very conservative people, actually.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brian Callan]

Especially the family. There's a way to do things. There's a way not to do things. Anything else is nonsense. Don't show up with all your, you know. I mean, that's how it is. My grandfather was that way.

[John Holmberg]

Right.

[Brian Callan]

Anybody was that way. You came to my grandfather with a new diet. I remember I came to him.

[John Holmberg]

He's.

[Brian Callan]

He's cutting into a wheel of Parmesan. I go, you know, dairy.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, yeah.

[Brian Callan]

Cut an apple with a knife. He just. He could peel an apple with a knife. This Sicilian just, you know, just, you know, feed you to the hogs. He would just.

[John Holmberg]

He look at me occasionally blurt that out.

[Brian Callan]

My hogs. My hogs are hungry. That's your warning?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. You didn't get a knock at all.

[Dick Toledo]

Once he goes to the hog.

[John Holmberg]

Shut up.

[Brian Callan]

Did mumble something about being a communist. Nonsense. College nonsense.

[John Holmberg]

So. Yeah. So you kind of grew up around it, but not in it. As far as, you know, maybe you were. I don't know. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. You know, I know you don't talk about.

[Brian Callan]

You guys. Mind your peace.

[John Holmberg]

That's it. That's why you're comfortable at dinner with the bull.

[Brian Callan]

That's all.

[John Holmberg]

That's not.

[Brian Callan]

I do love being around. He's just. He's. He's a charming.

[John Holmberg]

It's rich history.

[Brian Callan]

Smart dude. He's a smart guy. You don't get to be what he is without being very smart. Now he'll tell you he's a stone cold killer.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brian Callan]

He said, the first time you can see it. We're in the car, we're driving, and it's on the show Best of with Brian Keller. Invite only. And yeah, it's on YouTube, but invite only. And he, he, he literally is sitting there and he said the first time he killed somebody, he's in the shower, there it is. He's waiting to feel something and he could feel nothing. And he goes. And he turned, he goes. And that's when I realized I was a stone cold killer. And you just see me turn in my own car. I look at, I look at the camera. I'm like, well, there it is.

[Dick Toledo]

You got this, right?

[Brian Callan]

You got this. Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Wow. Yeah.

[Brian Callan]

I think we're fascinated with people like that because it's not normal yet. Well, I think more it inside of us, we all have a. We all have that dark side, but most of us are too afraid to act on it.

[John Holmberg]

Right.

[Brian Callan]

And then you meet people who just are.

[John Holmberg]

Who did it.

[Brian Callan]

Just living.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

I think that's why all those murder.

[John Holmberg]

The murder podcast in the world.

[Brian Callan]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. I think it's the, My, my theory on stuff like that is like we always try to like look at a school shooting or something like that and try to make it, make it make sense.

[Brian Callan]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

And we can't. So we're fascinated by like, how do we normalize this in my brain? That can't do it. Well, what is way advanced math school.

[Brian Callan]

Suitor is that's mental illness and crazy neurosis.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah.

[Brian Callan]

When you talk about systematic like organized crime, where getting from point A to point B means you're in my way.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brian Callan]

And you had to go.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brian Callan]

And you're like, what?

[John Holmberg]

And it's sensible to that. Yeah.

[Brian Callan]

You're living that with. There's that, that almost that samurai ethos that sort of like, this is the way of the warrior. You're going to die. You're going to die. You're going to go to jail. Something's going to happen.

[John Holmberg]

You're getting out of my way.

[Brian Callan]

Yeah. I have to copy the chair. You got to. You got to take the 10 year bid because that's the way it is.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brian Callan]

You might have to take a 20 year bid. We'll still be here.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brian Callan]

It's just crazy. And to me, Canary, I would do.

[John Holmberg]

And that's what I would. I say this all the time. If I was like, I almost surrendered to a hive of bees once. Like, I am a coward. If it came over the hill and said, we're in charge. I'm like, where my. Where's my outfit? Like, I want in.

[Brian Callan]

You and I. You and I like to talk and have A. Have a laugh. I'd be like, first of all, I can't. There's not. There's no good coffee. I literally. I was thinking about, like, even if I could carry a gun, I. The truth is, it's heavy.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, they're heavy. And it's like.

[Brian Callan]

It throws my hips off. And it'd be literally a matter of like, within a month, I'd be like. In my house. I'd be like, anybody see my gun?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, it was.

[Brian Callan]

I was vacuuming, the car was digging into my. I left it in the back seat. I. I'm not. If.

[John Holmberg]

If any of my FL. Didn't go to where they're supposed to go and I ended up in the wrong hands, you'd have seen me in one of those Al Qaeda videos going, you know, they're not bad. If I would have had the terrible white guy, I didn't even know I.

[Brian Callan]

Would have been in. I convert so quickly and I have a tattoo of that would said Islam on my chest. I hate Christians. What do you want me to do?

[John Holmberg]

What do you need from me?

[Brian Callan]

Is this the Constitution? Sure, I'll rip it off.

[John Holmberg]

Whatever it takes to just. That's my Aiden.

[Brian Callan]

Just tell me where.

[John Holmberg]

So that's the way it makes the most sense. Sammy would kill to get to. Baby, I'll surrender to get to be.

[Brian Callan]

Did you ever hear the story of Johnny Keys? When he had Johnny Keys? Johnny Keys was the hitman's hitman. And Johnny Keys looked at him and said, he. He knew he was gonna die. They had him. They had him.

[John Holmberg]

This was.

[Brian Callan]

This is how he won with Sammy the Bull. That's how he won the war. You gotta listen to the story.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brian Callan]

Sam went and posed as a punk and he's like, can I get a glass of water? I'm so nervous and stuff. I wanna. We'll have a sit down, I'll meet with you. And they get him. They figured out a way to get Johnny Keys, who was the leader and the biggest hitman. The hitman killed 55 people or something. And they finally get him, and he looks at him like this and he goes, do me a favor. When you do it, first of all.

[John Holmberg]

He goes, keys says this to him.

[Brian Callan]

Keys says, when you do it, have it. Have it. Have it be. Have it done by a friend of ours. In other words, the guy's got to be a made man. I don't want to be killed by a punk.

[John Holmberg]

No.

[Brian Callan]

And Sammy the Bull sitting there listening to him. And then he goes, do me another favor. When you're done my body, take my shoes off. And he goes, why? He goes, I told my wife I'd die with my shoes off. You know, at home. She. It's way. She'll know I was thinking about her at the end.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, my God.

[Brian Callan]

And Sammy the bull said, I started to fall in love with this guy because he was. He was the embodiment of Cosa Nostra. Yeah, he was the embodiment of a true samurai. And then he introduced him.

[John Holmberg]

He goes, you're gonna make me join this dude.

[Brian Callan]

You guys are gonna be in my group. I gotta jump in at the end. Yeah, there's a lot of nudity. I'm not gonna lie. I have a different kind of organized crime. But. But literally, get the goo ready. But.

[John Holmberg]

But.

[Brian Callan]

But hey, you guys want to be in my group?

[John Holmberg]

Bicep deep, we're going. Biceps, we're going deep.

[Brian Callan]

When do we actually do crime? It just seems like we're doing a lot of gay stuff.

[John Holmberg]

I'm shoulders deep in callus.

[Brian Callan]

Part of the initiation.

[John Holmberg]

Shawbo. He's filming it. What is going on?

[Brian Callan]

Yeah, why do you smell like cologne? Ah, God. And why are there candles lit? This is weird. Why are you shaving? Not even. Harry.

[John Holmberg]

Every time I check in on the podcast, it clicks. No thanks for me. I can't get in invital. Right, I forgot about that part.

[Brian Callan]

Our gang's called invited only. Where was I?

[John Holmberg]

Not members only.

[Brian Callan]

Yeah, but he introduced him. He introduced me. He goes, this man, he's a made man. He's. He's a friend of ours.

[John Holmberg]

And then he introduced him to the killer before.

[Dick Toledo]

He said, this is Johnny.

[Brian Callan]

They shook hands, and Johnny said, they. He said, I think they took the cuffs off him and they tried to pull him out. He goes, get your hands off him. Sammy the Bull. Get your hands off him. You know, don't touch him.

[John Holmberg]

How much of it's just bloviating? How much of it?

[Brian Callan]

I don't think the winner tells.

[Dick Toledo]

The winner tells.

[John Holmberg]

Winner tells.

[Brian Callan]

I think when. When Sammy talks, I don't think any of it is.

[John Holmberg]

No kidding.

[Brian Callan]

I don't think.

[John Holmberg]

Because he takes pride in how incredibly detailed it actually.

[Brian Callan]

Because a lot of it's ugly to hear. A lot of it's not. You know, you're kind of like, damn. It's like having to kill his best friend. Having to kill guys he knew forever. Yeah, that's. That's. It's not pretty. He said, I'll tell you the truth. And when you hear it, he said, you want to join this Life. You're going to end up in jail and you're going to kill your best friends.

[Dick Toledo]

So matter of time, man.

[Brian Callan]

And you join my gang. You're going to kiss.

[John Holmberg]

You'Re going to practice. You're going to get your elbows. Yeah.

[Brian Callan]

So you guys thought this was mafia stuff.

[John Holmberg]

You have been missing.

[Brian Callan]

This is straight guys gone gay.

[John Holmberg]

What? You've been misled.

[Brian Callan]

Y'all been misled.

[John Holmberg]

Okay. Rape car.

[Brian Callan]

Are you still in? These are my shovers. And they aren't touching. Touching your thumb.

[John Holmberg]

You know, you get into this life, you're going to. Shoulders deep. Your best friend. Why Shoulders deep? You just don't trust me.

[Brian Callan]

That's got to hurt my chest.

[John Holmberg]

There'll be. There'll be no test. Like, no knuckle first. We're going aces first day.

[Brian Callan]

Well, this is. This is. The report says turbo and.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, well, yeah, I'm the same way. I would. I'd surrender. I have no issues with. With that. That's why I admire military guys so much. I actually admire mob guys so much because the bravery and. And the loyalty to something I just don't have.

[Brian Callan]

Do you know Tim Kennedy?

[John Holmberg]

Who know the name? Why do I know that name?

[Brian Callan]

Tim Kennedy wrote a book called Scars and Stripes. Tim was. Tim was a Green Beret, but part of Sith, which I think is like their. Their sort of elite division of the Green Berets. Tim was in the. Tim was in UFC. Fought at 185. One of the best U1 fivers of all time. Yeah, well, he was a. He was an operator. He was a special forces American hero. And fighting in the UFC at the top of the food chain. Any more questions? Any more questions?

[John Holmberg]

How bad do you feel about yourself?

[Brian Callan]

Oh, dude, we were on vacation. I vacation with guys like this because I like to produce estrogen the whole time. And I got in the ocean, I got in the Atlantic. I was wearing a wetsuit. Not 15 minutes in, I'm shaking like a leaf. Not built for the cold. Got a long neck. Everybody.

[John Holmberg]

Seal training will be tough.

[Brian Callan]

Yeah, yeah. Sunk and chest. Yeah. Long neck. Seal training. So I ring that bell before, I'd be like, no, I can't. First of all, sharks. Second of all, the current.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brian Callan]

And third of all, too cold. It's too cold. Not built for it. Not built for it. Do you have a division where I stir the. Where I keep the fire warm, where I tend to the fire and keep the soup lukewarm for the guys when they come back? My code name is stay safe. I can't I can't. But he got in the water. I was in a wetsuit. And I was there, I swear to God, 10 minutes in. I'm in the North Atlantic. I'm in the Atlantic in the south of France. And I'm shaking, and the current's so strong that it's like I was. Like I was on a boogie board. He takes a surfboard. I couldn't find a wetsuit that fit his impossibly thick body. His. I sleep under a bridge because I'm a troll with long arms. Body. You're talking about one of the best fighters ever.

[John Holmberg]

Really?

[Brian Callan]

Yeah. And. And he was in the water for an hour in just shorts in whistling wind. And it wasn't cold. That's why he's. That's why he's a special force.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. That's why he's the guy.

[Brian Callan]

And I'm a. I'm his concubine.

[John Holmberg]

Have you been. Have you been on vacation with him since.

[Brian Callan]

Well, this was recently.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, really? Do you think you passed the test to go on the next one?

[Brian Callan]

I don't know. I'll be in. I'll be in Vegas. I'm hosting. He said you're hosting a panel on veteran suicide. I go, whatever you say. The Shot Show, January 24th. If you're there in Vegas, get reserve yourself. I'm gonna. I'm gonna moderate.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brian Callan]

Another thing about suicide.

[John Holmberg]

Guys give me suicide chunk out of the way.

[Brian Callan]

Yeah. I got 10 minutes on suicide.

[John Holmberg]

Perfect. You hired the right guy.

[Brian Callan]

Yeah. I can make anything funny.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. I can't imagine, like the. The Round Table meeting there. Just. Who's going to host this? We need somebody funny. Yeah.

[Brian Callan]

Let's get Brian Callan.

[John Holmberg]

Callan will do it.

[Brian Callan]

Yeah, I'll do anything.

[John Holmberg]

It's like we were talking yesterday. You know, I'm fascinated because of this life in radio and like, advertising and all the stuff that we deal with in America and downtown. Their wrap buildings, and they do it in every major city now. They got big buildings with advertising on the side. And I saw a picture in Tehran of what was actually quite beautiful art of a missile going through a beautiful blue sky. And it came from the same color palette. The whole thing. Artwork was from the same thing the missile went through. And in Hebrew, and I think. I don't even know what the other language was.

[Brian Callan]

Farsi.

[John Holmberg]

Farsi, that's right. It said, prepare your coffins. That's the tagline that some. They sat around in like Mad Men of Tehran.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah. We're wondering what agencies got cut.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Look at the hair. But like, somebody had to do the artwork. They had to commission a guy to wrap the building. They needed to go like, no, have. Have the Hebrew version in red and the Farsi in yellow. Like, this is a full advertising agency. And how different life is just on the other side of the world. So interesting where it says, prepare your coffee grave.

[Brian Callan]

No, like that. The round table. You prepare your grave.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brian Callan]

Pad your grave. I prepared. Now coffin. This coffin sounds more.

[John Holmberg]

Coffin is like a media. There's nobody in it yet. And that's. It's like, your babies will die. No, too direct. Too direct. We don't want to have one.

[Dick Toledo]

There's the women, the children, the babies are running.

[John Holmberg]

And then the one guy whose artwork didn't go like, yes, People in the air.

[Brian Callan]

It'll be a cubist.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, There had to be stuff.

[Dick Toledo]

They turned aggressive.

[John Holmberg]

And then the color pattern. That's too pastel.

[Brian Callan]

Billboard.

[John Holmberg]

It's a billboard. Can we brighten it up a little bit? Yeah, we need. The blues need to be more like. Like, people draw the eye. Draw the eye.

[Brian Callan]

Israelis. The Israelis are like, been here before.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, we're ready. We got caught.

[Brian Callan]

Netanyahu was part of Syria. Metcal. You guys know what seriet Metcal is? Yeah, that's the. That's their version of Seal Team 6.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, really?

[Brian Callan]

So, yeah, so Bibi Netanyahu, Benny Gantz and. And Golanz and the other guys who spent a lot of time. Just a lot of time. Those. That Mossad, that. Those guys are not playing around.

[John Holmberg]

They can't.

[Brian Callan]

They're. They're. It's biblical. Read the Old Testament. This ain't nothing new. This ain't nothing new. God is mentioned in the Book of Kings a number of times. Yeah, I'll get. I'll get. It's crazy. When you read it, it's like they're like, been here, been here, been ready. And we revived in ancient language. We came from the Russian ghettos. What do you got?

[John Holmberg]

And then pictures of missiles.

[Brian Callan]

Oh, the world hates us. Yeah, used to it.

[Dick Toledo]

No kidding.

[John Holmberg]

Arizona's missiles. This powerful rock radio station. He said fully erect. 98, grab some protection. Here comes the best of Homburg's morning sickness. I'm 98 KUPD. It's John Holmberg here, and thank you for listening to the best of holmberg's morning sickness. 2024 in the books doesn't mean you can stop taking care of yourself. You have to forge forward into the new year and. And don't do it with resolutions or silliness. For crying out loud. Call my [e-mail] youm got a couple more days to take advantage of their amazing deal. Holmberg and train. Get you two months of training for 199 bucks. Turn you into a sheepdog. Keep you from being a sheep. Reactdefense.com it's the home of tactical Black Rerun Brady. Entertain me.

[Dick Toledo]

Ben Affleck's the new Batman, which will be out in two years.

[John Holmberg]

People are pissed. Well, it's because he was already Daredevil prior to Daredevil. If he never did Daredevil, no one would care but you. It's. You can't swap. It's just like Tobey Maguire being Batman. He's Spider Man.

[Dick Toledo]

Except it's gonna be. It's gonna be more like JFK being Batman. With that accent.

[John Holmberg]

Kenny.

[Dick Toledo]

I don't know.

[John Holmberg]

Why wouldn't you give it a try? Wouldn't it be great? You had the whole deals. Yeah, you had the. Hey, er, Robin, let's go over there and try to take care of the Joker.

[Dick Toledo]

Holy wicked Joker.

[John Holmberg]

We got a wicked Joker on our hands there, Robin. Let's go back to the Bat Condo and turn off the hopper.

[Dick Toledo]

Let me drain the vein first.

[John Holmberg]

Why you harlequin hooligan. You Joker. Where's the Bat, Cat? It's a wicked car that I'm gonna drive over to the pack after I leave the Bat Condo. I don't want Ben Affleck to be Batman.

[Dick Toledo]

You gotta go catch those dirty Khans.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. We got cons all over. We gotta clean these streets of cons. These Korns are everywhere. I don't like it. He actually doesn't have too bad a Boston. No, but we want to spruce it up a little, like in the town.

[Dick Toledo]

You want it to happen?

[John Holmberg]

Oh, Lord, it's. It's that horrible Cat woman. She's giving me a boner. Hi, Batman. Hi. Greetings, Anna. Salutations to you, Cat Woman.

[Dick Toledo]

Hey, Batman.

[John Holmberg]

Who's that? Who was that guy?

[Dick Toledo]

Just a citizen of.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, just a citizen of Gotham.

[Dick Toledo]

Stay.

[John Holmberg]

I should have stayed in Gotham. I moved to Boston and it all went to hell. Move your car. Go Bruins. Ben Affleck has him. You don't know until you try it. I know, but he's already Daredevil. It could be good.

[Brian Callan]

It already had.

[John Holmberg]

Daredevil was God awful. But that's what I'm saying. He was already a superhero. It failed. You can't jump, suits. You can't jump, suits.

[Dick Toledo]

Can Tebo be the super villain who.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, God, I can't believe Belichick signed him. We have to stop the evil Tebow from ruining our patriots. Tom Brady is terrific. Tom Terrific. I just can't picture it.

[Dick Toledo]

I just.

[John Holmberg]

He's. He'd better as a Superman. Why? What's the difference? I know he's tall. Batman was never, like, not that tall. He's pretty tall. Ben Affleck's pretty tall. He's like, six, two, too tall. Superman is. This guy can't jump. Suits no suit jumping. I don't think Daredevil even counts. It shouldn't. And that's the other thing. It's so bad. He should never be allowed to suit up again. I know he can pull it off, but he should never be allowed to suit up again. He burned us so bad on his superhero movie. He has to step away from that arena forever. Now you can't go, oh, sorry. I tried. Daredevil. Now I'm gonna be the most popular superhero. Batman, no. You're out. There's plenty of other qualified candidates. Will he do that voice that Christian Bale did? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Brian Callan]

I want to come over there.

[Dick Toledo]

He kept losing his voice.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, yeah.

[Brian Callan]

It's a wicked heart.

[John Holmberg]

Wicked heart over here. Try to again, Batman. What happened to your accent?

[Brian Callan]

Oh, it's the Bane there. I. I'm gonna fight the Bane there.

[John Holmberg]

At the end here. That's all I can say about that there. I don't think this fight will be fair. It takes you a half an hour to say a sentence, Batman.

[Dick Toledo]

I like a couple exchanges. Bane just says, I got nothing. There's.

[John Holmberg]

You're a real wicked pizza. Yeah, he's got a little. Instead of the Batman logo, it's a Red Sox logo. It's just a socks. I noticed some changes to your outfit, Batman. Yeah, I got rid of that there bat there, and I stuck on a big Boston Strong logo. Boston Strong? He moved to Boston because of the bombings. I'm stopping terrorists here. See, now you're making the movie sound really bad because it's gonna suck. Superman sucks anyway. Let's be honest. They haven't made a good movie about Superman.

[Dick Toledo]

And now a commercial from Lou Holtz.

[John Holmberg]

Is this Lou Holtz spot? All right. This is great stuff. Go ahead. All right. You thought it was an exaggeration when we were slobbering Lou Holt. Green light. We've got to keep focused on the goal. And the goal is heaven. The key to winning is choosing to do God's will and love others with all you've got. Sacrifice, discipline, and Prayer are essential. We gain strength through God's word. We receive grace from the sacrament. And when we fumble due to sin.

[Dick Toledo]

And it's going to happen.

[John Holmberg]

Confession puts us back on the field. So if you haven't been going to bash, we quickly get back in the game. We're saving your seat on the starting bench this Sunday. This is a real thing. It was a real commercial that's coming.

[Dick Toledo]

Back to the Catholic Church. And by the way, if you're going.

[John Holmberg]

To sleep on the starting bench, if.

[Dick Toledo]

You'Re planning on going to the Vatican, bring cash, because they don't take Visa or MasterCard.

[John Holmberg]

They don't take American Express.

[Dick Toledo]

They're not taking any of them. It's been a shutdown. You have to in order to cash.

[John Holmberg]

Only to get in cash only because.

[Dick Toledo]

There'S a lot of difficulty going on on the cash laundering.

[John Holmberg]

Cause what's it cost in life, really, to see Jesus Christ in all of its glory sitting in the Italian Vatican over there in Rome? I'd like to get inside that building right now, I tell you, and just maybe just exercise a few demons of my own. It's called confession. That's a great take, Lou. Yeah, I thought maybe I was a little dry. I know. But it turns out that it's all right. Shaving the seat on the starting bench of salvation. He's kind of like Brady. Got a perfect voice to be on tv, doesn't he? There is no starting bench.

[Dick Toledo]

He's a motivator.

[John Holmberg]

He can't save his seat on the starting bench, Lou. Sure he can. That's Lou Holt. He can do whatever he wants. All right. All my starters that need sitting. Did he say sitting? Yes. Oh, then I better pull these up. Wants to rest up. You start her. Sit here and watch the other team. Is he telling us to sit? Sit here. Everybody just sit. All right, Lou.

[Dick Toledo]

In church, everyone's a starter.

[John Holmberg]

The word salvation messes Lou up pretty good. Yeah. And sacrifice, it's. It's starting to get Dick Clark. Like here, it's a little Dick Clark if he were Carol Channing. And by the way, just so you know, diamonds are a girl. Girl's best friend. It might be time for Lou to hang it up. Yeah, I can't watch him. He's impossible to watch. Well, he's on espn. I don't watch ESPN that much, but I liked. I like the word sacrifice. Get it back. To sacrifice. For victory in life, we've got to keep focused on the goal. And the goal is heaven. The key to winning, choosing to do Go. Notice in the beginning, the S's are pretty clear. But as his body builds more saliva, he starts to choke on it. Here comes a barrage. And love others with all you've got. Sacrifice, discipline and prayer are essential. We gain strength through God's word. We receive grace from the sacrament. And when we fumble due to sin, and it's going to happen, confession puts us back on the cell phone. So if you haven't been going to mass weekly, get back in the game. We're saving your seat on the starting bench this Sunday. Welcome home. Here's what I know about that from listening to it again. It was one take because it starts off just fine. We're just all, goodbye and sacrifice. Got me started. Suffering suckers. Ass. He's a professional. He's a nail. He's a one take wonder. And who wants to be on the other end of cleaning that mic after three takes? Sorry, guys, I got a little wound up there. Just gonna have to try this one all over again. Let's get her done. It's time to hang them up a little. So I thought I saw a putty tail, but I was pretty sure the puddy tail was pretty tame.

[Dick Toledo]

That's where the shield was developed at Notre Dame football from the players when Dr. Lou was coaching.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, the shield over the eye. I don't want to get poked in the eyes anymore. That's pretty bright. Some people would say that you were just being superficial or maybe even had some things that weren't necessary. Across your face. I think that's called superfluous. Yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

Carney Wilson has a medical condition.

[John Holmberg]

Ah. Is it. Is it fat? Itis.

[Dick Toledo]

I know.

[John Holmberg]

You think? Yeah, that's what I'm thinking. It is. Diabetes.

[Dick Toledo]

Bell's palsy.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, geez. Shaped like a bell's palsy. That's where it's a new form where your body is shaped exactly like a bell.

[Dick Toledo]

She's treating with some acupuncture.

[John Holmberg]

That'll work. Wait, she just got screwed over. Oh. Not only are you fat, but here, let me define your face when you try to talk. Your sister's smoking, so you've got all the bad genes. So, are you feeling all right? Yeah. Still hot, skinny. Everything's good. How about you? Oh, my face is sliding off now. Doctors thought it was excessive face weight. Turns out it's an actual illness. Man, poor her.

[Dick Toledo]

I'm okay.

[John Holmberg]

Had half her belly ripped out too, to get skinny, and that didn't take.

[Dick Toledo]

I guess the Bieber is tired of his monkey, Mali. The capuchin monkey Was seized by customs officials. Immune.

[John Holmberg]

You don't call it capuchin anymore. Did you find a new way Capuchin? Why do you say that?

[Dick Toledo]

That's how I heard them saying it on the nature channel. But I always go capuchin.

[John Holmberg]

Well, then. Then keep doing that.

[Dick Toledo]

Not anymore.

[John Holmberg]

What do you. Yeah, what do you mean you heard? No longer can you start a sentence with, well, I heard. Because you're deep.

[Dick Toledo]

That's right.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Now you're like.

[Dick Toledo]

You're a Rush Limbaugh Capuchin monkey.

[John Holmberg]

I hope he gets better like Rush did. Rush was going to go deaf in, like, a week, and he's all better. Oh, I thought you meant just, like, in general better. Oh, wait, and that, too. Like a better broadcaster. Yeah, that would be good, too. That's in the square. President Clinton. Somebody wanted orgasming Brady in the square. Brady Limbaugh. I like Brady Limbaugh, too.

[Dick Toledo]

The Billboard Music Awards nominees were announced. Taylor Swift, Maroon 5. The usual Rob Zombie fun. Yeah, they're all tied with 11 nominations a piece. Rihanna was next with 10. I don't have much desire to see a lot of that, but I will see Tracy Morgan host the event.

[John Holmberg]

What's he hosting? What's it called?

[Dick Toledo]

The Billboard music awards.

[John Holmberg]

Billboard 1. Are you kidding me? Really?

[Brady Bogan]

That's not.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, the Source is the bad one, right? Well, for you, I don't have a problem.

[Dick Toledo]

There's nothing bad about that. Bad to the boom.

[John Holmberg]

Even black people. Wow, you really got some street cred for that. Yeah, that Brady really understands. Right on, homie. Right on, player. Slippy. Some of the down. I got your slice, George Thorogood mother. Yeah. Damn. Bad to the bone. That's a reference most urban blacks can. We get it. Hey, you ever know about what happened to Lisa's kid? You were. You literally were just three years behind the two black guys on the plane and airplane.

[Dick Toledo]

I just served you up with some Cool J cookies.

[John Holmberg]

I've been served. I don't think they serve people anymore either. The 43rd Annual Source Awards. Bad to the Bone edition. Homies.

[Dick Toledo]

You know it's good.

[John Holmberg]

Well, coming up next. Bloods. Old white people wrote this show. Right on, players. Snap. We'll be right back with more Billboard Source Awards to appease the Negroes. You just see this. The credits at the end, and it's all, like, old Jewish people. Harvey Flickenstein, Ryder, don't they raise their right hand still and say blood to each other. Write that.

[Dick Toledo]

After the break, Rihanna will set the booty out.

[John Holmberg]

We're gonna be knocking Boots until the break of dawn. 43rd annual Source Awards. Please put your guns away. Yeah, that's Brady's Source Award. You've never even sniffed it.

[Dick Toledo]

Oh, man, it's awesome.

[John Holmberg]

What the hell is Red Tails? And why does it keep winning best picture? Never heard of it.

[Dick Toledo]

That was a good number, Redman. Now that Disney controls Lucasfilm sandwiches, they're talking with ABC about doing a live action Star wars show.

[John Holmberg]

Live action Star Wars? Like, yeah, real. Like a sitcom. Whoa. Well, they already kind of did that last time I was there. They brought out Darth Vader and all the stormtroopers.

[Dick Toledo]

They're rebooting who's the boss.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, here we are face to face. Couple of silver spoons finding that we hope. I don't know what was who's the Boss? I can't remember the theme of that one. You can't remember it? I can think of it. Hang on a second. Because I got this going on. Who are you? I know. Oh.

[Dick Toledo]

I was trying to remember her name.

[John Holmberg]

I can't remember the words. I remember how the sea. Charles in charge. Yeah, Charles in Charge. Oh, it's Darth Vader, you idiot. And a night Charles. Yeah. Let me see. This is good. Here we go. There's a path for love and a path for living Kind of a waymith for living so take a chance and make a wish Driving road and the road that's hip to a brand new life around the bed There were times times I remember it now we lost a dream or two that is a lame TV theme. But at the end or no Found the trail and at the end was you There's a path for love Choice is up to you it's got to be one of the least memorable of the 80s. But you might awake to a brand new life Brand new life maybe they.

[Dick Toledo]

Go older and reboot Love American style with Darth.

[John Holmberg]

Alyssa Milano's gonna be so hot. That's all it was. Eliza Milano is currently hot. We're the same age. It was a jerk festival from the day that show started. Get Pentaro off my screen. Arizona's most powerful rock radio station. He said fully erect. 98K.