BEST OF HMS PODCAST - COMBINED SEGMENTS - Thursday March 13, 2025

Summary

Holmberg's Morning Sickness - Arizona: Best of HMS Podcast - Combined Segments (Thursday, March 13, 2025)
Host: John Holmberg
Co-Hosts: Brady Bogan, Bret Vesely, Dick Toledo
Description: Arizona's #1 Morning Radio Show featuring entertainment, humor, and lively discussions.

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1. The Fart Jar Phenomenon [00:32 - 10:14]

Overview:
The episode kicks off with a humorous yet critical discussion about Cheng Wing Yi, an online influencer who sells her farts in mason jars for $300 each. John Holmberg leads the conversation, expressing his disdain and disbelief at the concept.

Key Points:

• Cheng Wing Yi's Venture:

  • Description: Cheng Wing Yi offers her farts in mason jars, selling them for $300 per jar. Each jar is said to last 30 days before expiring.
  • Production: She claims to produce two to three jars daily, maintaining a strict schedule with a waiting list due to high demand.
  • Controversy: Previously banned from Taiwan after staging a protest involving egging to boost her online presence.

• Hosts' Reactions:

  • John Holmberg ([00:32]): "She's able to do like two or three a day. She's got mason jars. She farts in and wraps them up."
  • Dick Toledo ([03:25]): "Just the fart jars are, you know, 12 grand a month."
  • Humorous Disgust: The hosts collectively express their discomfort, debating the appeal and market for such a product.

• Fart Jar Community:

  • Discussion on identifying "fart jar guys" within their social circles, leading to playful accusations and fictional scenarios.
  • Dick Toledo ([07:00]): "In our events, there's."

Notable Quotes:

• John Holmberg ([04:29]): "I'd rather have her fingernail clipping show up in a perverted, weird, serial killer sort of way than I ever would a jar of her fart juice."
• Dick Toledo ([08:55]): "People are saying she [Cheng Wing Yi] might be a fart guy."

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2. Interview with Stone Cold Steve Austin [19:00 - 35:00]

Overview:
The show features a special interview with the legendary wrestler and actor, Stone Cold Steve Austin, promoting his latest movie, The Condemned. The interaction is filled with camaraderie, jokes, and insights into Austin's experiences on set.

Key Points:

• Movie Promotion:

  • Release Date: April 27th.
  • Description: An R-rated, hard action film with violence, humor, and a message.
  • Co-Star: Vinnie Jones, known for his roles in Snatch and other action-packed films.

• On-Set Experiences:

  • Practical Jokes:
    • Brady Bogan ([19:26]): "We had a bunch of practical joking going on the set and we had a good time."
    • Brady shares: Playful pranks involving promotional photos and blow-up dolls.
  • Wrestling Moves:
    • Discussion on the effectiveness of wrestling moves like the "Stone Cold Stunner" in real life versus the ring.
    • Steve Austin ([26:00]): "The stunner works great in the wrestling ring, but it's probably not going to work good in real life."

• Personal Stories:

  • Injuries: Brady recounts a near-fatal wrestling accident involving a concussion and brief paralysis, highlighting the real dangers of the sport.
  • Audience Interaction:
    • Audience member Eric asks for a book signature, leading to lighthearted banter about signed memorabilia.

Notable Quotes:

• Steve Austin ([19:50]): "The Condemned is ready to go. It's violent, it's got some humor in it and a few people die and all kinds of cool stuff."
• John Holmberg ([24:10]): "Once you bring the dildos into the picture, we can pretty much understand about the dildos."
• Brady Bogan ([26:59]): "I've never seen Punk because I don't watch the show."

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3. Parenting and Mental Health Discussion [35:00 - 62:00]

Overview:
The hosts delve into the evolving landscape of parenting, particularly among millennials. They examine modern parenting strategies, the role of mental health, and the differences from previous generations.

Key Points:

• Parenting Strategies Among Millennials:

  • Gentle Parenting: Guides children through decision-making without strict demands.
  • Sources of Advice:
    • 24% receive parenting advice from social media, indicating a shift from traditional methods.
  • Prioritizing Children:
    • 80% prioritize their kids over work, showcasing a trend towards more engaged parenting.

• Mental Health Focus:

  • Emphasis on Emotional Well-being:
    • 80% of millennial parents believe discussions about mental health are crucial.
  • Medication Debate:
    • Hosts discuss the pros and cons of medicating children for mental health issues.
    • John Holmberg ([40:11]): "Sometimes you just gotta let it out and it's a phase."

• Listener Emails and Opinions:

  • Critique of Over-Medication:
    • One listener argues that poor parenting, rather than medication, is the root cause of issues like mass shootings.
    • John Holmberg ([39:49]): "Make it a little easier on him. Why does the game have to be so hard?"

Notable Quotes:

• John Holmberg ([40:21]): "Every time they had a feeling, mommy's given them a little pill to say, make that feeling go away so you never feel bad things."
• Brady Bogan ([40:31]): "What is? Your dad, my dad, and every dad that said it to us when we had us walking off."

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4. Entertainment, Odd News, and Pop Culture [62:00 - 100:00]

Overview:
This segment covers a variety of entertaining and bizarre news stories, highlighting the hosts' humorous takes on topics ranging from satirical headlines to claims of time travel.

Key Points:

• Satirical News and The Onion:

  • Mock Headlines:
    • "Los Angeles Clippers star Chris Paul talks to schools, elementary schools, about staying at a foul truck."
    • Reflection on the biting humor of The Onion.

• Odd Products and Trends:

  • Dairy Queen Deals:
    • Discussing Dairy Queen's free cone day and the surprisingly high number of Dairy Queens in Texas.
  • Toupee Innovations:
    • The New York Post reports on improved toupees using real hair and polyester.
    • John Holmberg ([67:11]): "If you have a time machine, dude's gotta use it for barbecue sauce."

• Time Travel Claims and Celebrity News:

  • 1917 Photo Controversy:
    • Claims of a man appearing to travel from the 20th century based on a photograph.
    • Hosts debunk the notion with logical reasoning about time travel impossibilities.
    • John Holmberg ([75:40]): "Time travel has got to be pretty awesome. If I'm just sitting here talking to Toledo one day and then I'm like, you know what?"

• Celebrity Interactions and Stories:

  • Bert Kreischer's Encounters:
    • Stories about meeting celebrities like Giada De Laurentiis and interactions at events.
    • Bert Kreischer ([116:24]): "I ran into Giada at an airport, and I was hammered."

Notable Quotes:

• John Holmberg ([73:15]): "You don't think it's time travel, man. They think it's time travel, man. I am surrounded by morons."
• Dick Toledo ([67:07]): "The Reason they sell them individually."

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5. Music Legends and Their Final Performances [100:00 - 138:00]

Overview:
The hosts pay homage to rock legends who passed away prematurely, discussing their final performances and the circumstances surrounding their deaths.

Key Points:

• Rock Legends Featured:

  • John Bonham ([116:06]): Last performed "Whole Lotta Love" before his untimely death in 1980.
  • Kurt Cobain ([122:50]): Last song "Heart-Shaped Box" performed before his death in 1994.
  • Chris Cornell and Others: Discussions on their final performances and tragic endings.

• Bert Kreischer's Stories:

  • Struggles with Alcoholism:
    • Personal anecdotes about dealing with alcohol and misunderstandings stemming from it.
    • Bert Kreischer ([117:32]): "I got a concussion... and then she [girlfriend] had cerebral palsy."
  • Interactions with Celebrities:
    • Encounters with Slash and the confusion arising from alcohol-induced behaviors.

Notable Quotes:

• Dick Toledo ([126:02]): "He's still a human being. He's just not wearing one of the hats."
• John Holmberg ([124:57]): "She was crazy on top of having the palsy."
• Bert Kreischer ([117:32]): "I thought I might have been molested at basketball camp one time..."

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6. Final Segments and Listener Engagement [138:00 - End]

Overview:
The episode concludes with updates on various brands, a recap of listener stories, and closing remarks, maintaining the show’s signature blend of humor and informal banter.

Key Points:

• Brand Updates:

  • Vans and Fast Times Remake:
    • Discussion on the impact of Fast Times at Ridgemont High on brands like Vans.
    • John Holmberg ([135:21]): "I went out and got Vans and a Spicoli shirt the next day."

• Never Ending Story Remake:

  • Critique of the potential remake and its implications on the original narrative.
  • John Holmberg ([136:00]): "Never Ending Story is a story that never ends. You don't need a sequel."

• Celebrity News:

  • Oprah's Board Departure:
    • Oprah Winfrey leaves Weight Watchers' board to focus on using Ozempic for weight loss.
    • Dick Toledo ([127:48]): "She said she still will be a proponent of Weight Watchers, but she thought since..."

• Final Listener Story:

  • Stake of South American Burglaries:
    • Listener Kevin shares his father’s experience with burglaries by South American gangs in Scottsdale.
    • John Holmberg ([98:59]): "They put this dude in a coma because his ingrown hair got so bad and so infected."

Notable Quotes:

• John Holmberg ([135:37]): "It was out of control now."
• Dick Toledo ([138:00]): "You know, but they always designed for man more so."

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Conclusion

The Holmberg's Morning Sickness episode from March 13, 2025, encapsulates the show's hallmark humor and candid discussions. From bizarre trends like fart jars to in-depth interviews with wrestling icons, and from parenting debates to tributes to fallen rock legends, the hosts deliver a vibrant mix of entertainment, satire, and relatable banter. Notable for their ability to weave listener interactions and pop culture narratives seamlessly, John Holmberg and his co-hosts ensure both engagement and amusement for their Arizona audience.

Final Notable Quotes:

• John Holmberg ([140:00]): "It was a big one. It's out of control now."

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Listeners are encouraged to tune in weekdays from 5:30 AM to 10:00 AM on 98 KUPD or visit www.98kupd.com for more engaging content and the best of Holmberg's Morning Sickness.

Transcript

[Dick Toledo]

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[John Holmberg]

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[John Holmberg]

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[Dick Toledo]

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[John Holmberg]

You'Re listening to the HMS Podcast, brought to you by Mo Money Pawn, Arizona's largest pawn shop for over 35 years. Do not listen to this while driving or when full alertness is needed. The rest of Homer's morning sickness. This is the big red radio. And then you got this going on in the world that tells me that we have way too much time on our hands. For $300, a woman who is a. She's very attractive. She's an influencer online. Who isn't? Chang Wing Yay Ching Wing Yi. Sorry. Cheng Wing yi is for $300 a jar selling her farts again. This is happening again. Another Instagram and they are sold out. She's got. She's able to do like two or three a day. She's got mason jars. She farts in and wraps them up. And then 300American dollars, 235 British pounds. She'll mail you her fart. She say that they 30 days. They'll last on the shelf before you crack them so you can age them if you'd like. They've got a date and a time. Three a day. Those are rookie numbers. She needs to bump those up. Well, those are the ones she's keeping. She's got a few for herself. She's a private lady. She was in trouble on the Internet a little while ago because she staged that. Someone protested one of her videos by egging her publicly. So she had this lady come up and pretend to egg her. It was her assistant and said that she pelted her with eggs and then screamed, you seduced my husband. And like she was. Her Instagram page was so awesome that her husband couldn't get enough of it. Seduced him away. It broke up a marriage. Well, she'd set it all up and actually the police got involved in all that. So she got banned from Taiwan for that. She's not allowed to enter Taiwan ever again for. That's. That's pretty strict. So she's got this new plan which she farts in jars. And all these people who say that life is too short and there's not enough to have sold out her first order, 40 jars, and she's got another 40 on deck and a waiting list. Just pretty. Look her up. Br Chang C H E N G Wing. I think you got that one. And Yee yee. But she farts in jars for 300 bucks. So if you want that. I go back to our original topic this morning. You're the guy who didn't have anybody show up at his birthday party. And this is why, if this is. And also, if you know a guy that this is the perfect gift for, stop hanging out with that guy. My dad would tell you, stop hanging out with fart jar guy. Only my dad and his friends would probably do this joke for each other. She's pretty. She's an Asian girl with huge cans. And that's. That used to be rare, but now with, you know, she's good looking.

[Dick Toledo]

Just the fart jars are, you know, 12 grand a month.

[John Holmberg]

Huh?

[Dick Toledo]

Just the fart jar.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, yeah, that's just pulling in 12amonth. If that's all she's doing. She's picking it up now that she's got orders. But she's very pretty and she farts and jars for a living, which makes me angry that I'm just not hot enough. Yeah, we almost. Oh, we got a little nipple popping out on that one. Ah, there we go. That's the. Now we're pixelating about now. That's. Those are Asian breasts. I recognize pixelation. Why'd they pixelate her, Cleveland? She's wearing a shirt. She's got some good stuff. She's. Those are solid.

[Dick Toledo]

If she's not in Taiwan anymore, I wonder where she moved. I don't know.

[John Holmberg]

Anywhere but there. Yeah, I think England, which is where the. I have never, ever, ever, ever, ever wanted to smell a woman's farts, no matter how hot she is ever. There is absolutely nothing about that.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

That appeals to me at all.

[Dick Toledo]

I'm with you on that, John.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, thanks. I'd rather have her fingernail clipping show up in a perverted, weird, serial killer sort of way than I ever would a jar of her fart juice. Why is that? I don't understand smelling a girl's panties. There you go, Brett. You got the news. You know, I gotta find it, and it's great. Not bad. Unpixelated Is there a woman so hot, even Margot Robbie farting in my face ruins Robbo. Margot Robbie? I mean, I. I think so. I'll have to try it. You know, I'm willing to try it. You know, if it turned out Margot Robbie's into that. I really like farting in faces like. Oh, you would. You're in a. You're in. No, I'm looking at Dua Lipa wants to fart in my face.

[Dick Toledo]

I'm just.

[John Holmberg]

That is not a thing.

[Dick Toledo]

She's good, but you'd go 300 a bottle for some fingernail clippings.

[John Holmberg]

Well, no, I'm not going to spend that kind of dough. But if it was like, you have $300, you have to spend it on something that comes out of this person.

[Bert Kreischer]

Pee.

[John Holmberg]

I go pee first. I don't want farts. Farts is. It's the worst thing you can do. And for a woman, it's farts. And periods are the same. To me, it's like, yuck. And she looks great. This is a really good one. She should be able to make money just off her cans. She doesn't have to fart in jars. You're better than this. But you're the guys that would buy that, though, too. We all know a couple. You're thinking of one right now. In our events, we've met fart jar guy.

[Dick Toledo]

At our events, there's.

[Brady Bogan]

There's five or six.

[John Holmberg]

Every time we go to Four Peaks for a beer release, there's five guys who. I'm like, part jar guy. There's a couple in this building, too. You think? Who in the building?

[Dick Toledo]

I know.

[John Holmberg]

You think. Oh, yeah. You don't think so? I don't put them in fart jar category. I do.

[Dick Toledo]

I know. Yeah. I don't know.

[Brady Bogan]

I do.

[John Holmberg]

Hey, stop talking about this. Oh, sorry. Tripp definitely wasn't Tripp. I don't think Tripp would. No. Trip could pay somebody to do it if he wanted, so that's. I can't. Somebody in the building, you think? Yeah, I think because he's just up for whatever and he's afraid of his family. Scott Taylor would do it. We don't know our new sales guy, Ed, very well. He could be a closeted one. He's so nice. Nice that maybe he's got a secret dark side. I'm gonna put Ed on the drawing.

[Dick Toledo]

In with a case of ball jars. Then I'll know. I think he had to make a.

[John Holmberg]

Little decorative empty mason jars like. Ed, what's this? Oh, just things I collect. They're empty. No, they're not. He'd be so nice. He'd do it just to give her money to help her. You know what? That's true. That's just it. He's such a nice. He'd be one of those guys like, you know what? I can't make my rent this month. I'll pay for it, but you have to do something for me. Fart in a jar. Oh, you're right, Edie. All right, I'm gonna put Ed on the list. Ed's in there. I think people just fart on Har. I don't think he wants it, but they just send it to him in the mail. Here you go, Har. Hey, I don't know. We have too many guys who would, like, order out for farts. Paul's probably into it. Which one? But he doesn't have the money to. Which one? Syrup? Ours or. Oh, okay. Oh, Paul Marshall.

[Brady Bogan]

You're right.

[John Holmberg]

That's one. Oh, my God. How did I miss that? You're right. Paul Marshall gets farted on for my prostitutes. No question. No question.

[Dick Toledo]

You think the other Paul goes to dollar stores trying to sell?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, he tries to get. Yeah, I think he'd be into it if a homeless was hot enough. He'd be like, you know, fart in my face. Leave it. 10 bucks. He'd be saw buck for farts. But he's not spending premium fart jar pricing. Yeah, I don't even think I could. I can't even think of. Ed's the only Ed down. He's the only one I don't know well enough that I'd be like, okay, that's something. I don't know you well enough, so maybe that's you. No, Har. No. People just fart at heart, okay? It's not who else will get down. He's buying them. He doesn't have to buy him. People volunteer their farts for Harry elsewhere. We got Moynihan. Moynihan. Oh, there's one. I'm. I'm thinking, thinking. No, I don't think Moynihan gets. I don't think he would buy farts. Would he be a closeted dude who's into it?

[Dick Toledo]

Live ones.

[John Holmberg]

He might like it. Yeah, he might like the live. Well, every once in a while, dip his head in there and see what you caught. No, I don't think Moynihan. Larry. No, Larry's disgusted by that, but yeah. No, I don't think Ben is into it. Ben Likes him.

[Dick Toledo]

When Dom left, he had a bunch of jars.

[John Holmberg]

Fitz might be. Yeah, Fitz might be. That Fitz might be a guy who has a fart jar in his house. You might be right. For the novelty, not for the sexual enjoyment. Just to have it. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. Anyway, let me show you something. Big babe.

[Brady Bogan]

Big babe.

[John Holmberg]

And he's got a picture of her next to it. This is Yi Wing Yee. She farts and jars for me, like. Yeah, yeah, I've heard of her. Yeah. It's just a. Yeah. And that's the thing is, as a guy, I think I'm just jealous that no one would pay me $300 for my jar of fart. You have to be hot, and life has to just be easy. I can fart in a Jar and make 12 grand supplemental income a month, and that's only selling three a day. And you've got a waiting list. No one would. It would be a long. I would have surplus.

[Dick Toledo]

And do you open them for a special occasion?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

Asian, I mean. Or do you. Are they getting them right away and just popping it?

[John Holmberg]

Well, I think some people just crack it open immediately because they can't help it. And then some, you know, patient men will age it, and then, unlike the 17, they're only good. She says they're only good for 30 days. She did a test. How does she know? She's. She's hung on to him. So the expiration date on those jars actually means something. Unlikely. You got plenty of time after that. Medicine, please. I've had this argument with people forever. That's a lawyer trick to make you buy more Advil. Here's how I know. I told this to Pete Lee yesterday. Here's how. I am positive I'm right about expired medicine. They always say it's no good. It doesn't work. It loses its effectiveness, and you got to get rid of it. And the reason you have to get rid of expired medicine is because if you didn't take the whole jar of aspirin, you've got aspirin forever. So they put an expiration on it. So you have to go out and buy a new jar of aspirin, leave that jar of aspirin that's expired by four years with a baby and watch everybody lose their money. Nothing about that's ineffective. That stuff can still kill a baby. So expired medicine still works. I have stuff in my medicine cabinet years old. I had some Dimetap that said, president Reagan says, all right, I'll crack this open. I was fine the Surgeon general and their Sea Everett Coop on there. That guy's been dead since the 90s. Okay. Expired medicine's real. Expired fart jar might lose its. It might. You know, it's like chicken. You got to be careful with expired fart. I don't think you can get salmonella if you smell it, like 40 days past its date. But I don't think you're getting much. Shan man. People are saying shan man might be a fart guy. And Alex says, I think he buys from both men and women just to be fair. Wow. Shannon's very fair man. Equal opportunity. I don't think Shannon's a fart guy. He's been doing that night shift for a long time. It does change a man. You were probably on pace to being a fart guy. Couldn't afford it. Couldn't afford it, though. That's the one thing that keeps. That's why they don't pay over guys much, because they'll waste money on farts.

[Dick Toledo]

But there'd be two or three. It. Just because they're out of their minds.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, but, you know, I know those listeners. Noob those overnight girls that would. They're farting in jars.

[Dick Toledo]

Brent, I'm coming over.

[John Holmberg]

They're farting in jars because their toilets are clogged. Interesting. How about the KSLX morning show? You think any of those are into it? The new guys? Yeah. I don't know them at all. I don't think so.

[Brady Bogan]

No.

[Dick Toledo]

I think one of them could make money jar.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

Oh, yeah.

[John Holmberg]

You could get one of the people over there to fart in a jar and get a couple extra bucks. Mo could be a fart jar person. Mo probably likes.

[Brady Bogan]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

I mean, you know, one of her favorite movies of all time is Beetlejuice. Yeah. She's not. It's number one movie. Just bad taste.

[Brady Bogan]

Yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

The loudest burper I know.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, yeah. Mo can throw a burp. Yeah, Mo would. Mo's probably. Now that she's a lesbian, she's probably like, I bet you her and her wife been hard on each other. Anyway, it's gross. But for $300, you can get this hot girls fart sent to you in a jar with a little thing, a little, like Martha Stewart twine tie across the top of the date written on it. And if you've got $300 for farts, life isn't that bad. Yeah, we get a couple fart guys here, but I'm not into it. The hottest girl in the world could fart, and it's over this guy said, john, you're lying. Do a dump on your chest and you'd still be dead. That's different than a fart. That's hot. That's sexy. What are you talking about? That's really hot. I don't need her farting on me. Get to work. Yeah. Now we've got some tangible evidence that I was with her. I've got DNA farts. That's just rude. No, Dua Lipa is not. You fart around me and I'm done as a woman. That's it. It's like you died. I just don't. Especially an attractive one because now I know all your stuff down south works. I've always said that. I like to think of a woman's body parts as old abandoned mines that haven't been functioning for years. They got two little pieces of plywood and an X nailed over the hole. Like, this thing is not useful. I don't need to know it's functioning. I'd like to assume that it doesn't work at all and I don't want to know about it. I've married two times in my life and never heard an intentional fart from either of them. Any relationship I've ever been in, there's never been a funny like moment between us because we're not frat brothers. Don't fart on each other.

[Brady Bogan]

Rude.

[John Holmberg]

You can't help it. You fart all over your life. She tells me so all night.

[Dick Toledo]

I had to apologize to her the other night because you. I was asleep.

[John Holmberg]

How asleep were you?

[Dick Toledo]

It was so loud. I woke up.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, Jesus.

[Dick Toledo]

Like, I am so sorry.

[John Holmberg]

You did not say I am so sorry.

[Dick Toledo]

The next morning I did.

[John Holmberg]

You went, I'm so sorry.

[Dick Toledo]

I can't believe. Well, there might have been some chuckling that effectively. Oh, my gosh. I woke up.

[John Holmberg]

You were bright red. You did not get through that moment without a big fat laugh. And then you turned over to point out maybe Ronnie didn't even hear it. Wake up. I'm sorry. I farted so loud. I woke up.

[Dick Toledo]

It was Chino. I'm sorry.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, Chino. Bandido shooting through you in bed. But you don't, you know, and sleep farting out of your control, but you don't acknowledge it. If she says you soundspoken, it's unspoken. It happened. It's a bodily function. It's ugly and it's bad. You just move on. But, you know, farting on your wife and stuff and then talking to your friends, well, you shouldn't Pull me. Stop farting on each other. Unless you're one of them fart guys. And if you're a woman with a fart guy, you're a pig too. Like if you. If you straddle a dude's face and fart on him, you were raised wrong. And guess what? If you're willing to do it, think of it, because your parents probably did it too. People who fart on other people were raised by farting people. It's like, you know the old Jim Jeffries quote I just emailed with a guy. I'm like, if your kid is a C word, probably because you guys are C words. And you raised another one. The way it works, my wife got.

[Dick Toledo]

Me the other day. I did an atomic sit up.

[John Holmberg]

That's right. And if you're doing that, guess what? Your mom and dad did it. Your mom did that to your dad. So think about it. You know how you turn into your parents as you get older? That's one of the things you can think about next time you're squatting over somebody's face, ready to air blast. Pigs. Happy leaf day. We've seen those videos. Got a picture of Dua Lipa might change my mind on that. Sorry, love. That's all right. You can. All right. Unless I get carried away now. All right, enough. Sounds like a two stroke Kawasaki from back in the day.

[Dick Toledo]

That's it. I'm gonna get some bottles.

[John Holmberg]

All right. And think about if Dua Lipa decided to start selling her farts, I would buy one just for the. I wouldn't open it. I don't want to smell that. Oh, like all cauliflowered and. Yeah. Oh, no, I don't get it. But if you're a fart guy, don't tell anybody because it's gross and you're. You're a pig. You're a scourge and a pig. You shouldn't be part of society. That's all. I could never imagine being with a girl. Like, everybody's had the first couple of awkward moments with a new girl and intimate and she just goes, boyfriend loved that. Like, ew, get out, pig. Or if you're a woman, it's like, hey, will you fart on me? Have we seen those videos? Yeah. And then she does it. Anyway. There's two people looking at each other right now going, oh, she's talking about us.

[Brady Bogan]

Don't tell them.

[John Holmberg]

If you're in a car with your parents right now and your dad's smiling and your mom's got her head down Your parents fart on each other on purpose for gratification. Takes it. It's out of control. Now you're listening to the HMS Podcast brought to you by MMP Guns, your trusted source for firearms and Accessories [e-mail] All this show with none of the fluff. Let's get started. There's more of the best of homework's morning sickness. Very pleased to announce the arrival. Oh, I. I got to play the song. For God's sakes. I'm not going to get through this without that, ladies. If I can find it. If. There he is right here. His music has started. Stone cold Steve Austin standing right there. Look, there he is in person. Welcome, sir. Thank you very much.

[Brady Bogan]

I appreciate the music. Here I've got an alarm clock that I travel with. Every time I need to wake up, that glass breaks like that and start crashing beer cans together like a retard.

[John Holmberg]

Yes. I've never seen a retard do that.

[Brady Bogan]

Hang around with me for a while.

[John Holmberg]

You will. So you got your new movie. You're in town just for a little while, promoting Away on the Condemned. Let's get to that. Right off the bat, the Condemned is ready to go. And when does it open?

[Brady Bogan]

It comes out April 27th. And I came in yesterday and we screened it last night with a group here in town and had a lot of fun. I sat in the back and watch these people react to this thing. It's. It's a rated R movie. It's a hard action movie. If you like hard action movies, this is one for you. It's violent, it's got some humor in it and a few people die and all kinds of cool stuff. So there's a little bit of a message to this movie also.

[Dick Toledo]

Oh, cool.

[Brady Bogan]

It's good.

[Dick Toledo]

Now, are some of the people dying? Is there some original people getting offed? You know, like, that's what I like about sometimes the action movie that you know, because you always, when it first came out, the Seagal films, when he's doing those, you know, compound fracture breaks on arms and stuff.

[John Holmberg]

Solid stuff. What's new? What is. What is a new death for Brady to enjoy?

[Brady Bogan]

You got to go see the movie to find out about the. There's some interesting deaths. No, no doubt about that. We're not doing the old, the triple compound Seagal thing.

[John Holmberg]

Good for you. Because that isn't working out. That's not a longevity move right there. And you made the best move in a movie I can say, ever. Vinnie Jones is your co star. And that dude, if you don't know, he's the. He's been in everything awesome and Snatch. And most people listening to us would remember him from. What is that Euro trip. Yeah, he's the nut job on the English soccer. Soccer hooligan. He's the greatest actor, former soccer player. And you guys just hung out the whole time, goofing around.

[Brady Bogan]

Yeah, he got his start in a couple Guy Richie movies. You know, lock, stock, two smoking barrels. He's. He's a great guy. He's 100 fisher. In his personal life, so am I. He likes to drink his beers. And believe it or not, I do too.

[John Holmberg]

Really?

[Brady Bogan]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

What's your beer of choice?

[Brady Bogan]

That. Well, you know, right now, I mean, like, it all depends. Like, if I roll in somewhere, I'd rather drink draft, so. Middle Light, Bud Light, anything, you know, whatever it is. But, you know, a lot of times we're just drinking anything else. But. But Vinnie was cool.

[Dick Toledo]

That water.

[Brady Bogan]

Yeah, there was a lot of. There was a lot of practical joking going on the set and we had a good time. And Vinny's at. Vinny's a funny guy and he's a wise guy, so that's all we did was make fun of me.

[John Holmberg]

What's a practical joke you guys played? What happened?

[Brady Bogan]

Well, it would just be a deal. I mean, like, some of the more simple ones would be like in the makeup trailer, we were right next to each other getting makeup. So he'd show up, or I'd show up in the morning and there'd be 8 by 10 photos, promo photos of Vinnie signed to me. And so the next day he'd have a bunch of them on his mirror. Then it got a little bit more serious. I'd go into one of those Triple X shops and I got a bunch of those damn blow up dolls and a few assorted items and just killed his bus with all that stuff. And the brutality ensued from there.

[John Holmberg]

And we'll.

[Brady Bogan]

Sweet story. Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

No. Yeah. Well, once you bring the dildos into the picture, we can pretty much understand about the dildos. I was going to say, we pretty much understand where you're headed when you start going that route. Is it true your name was originally going to be like icy McFreeze or something like that? I read that somewhere.

[Brady Bogan]

I was like, no way, you're real close. When I first came up with the concept, you know, because I was wrestling just as the ringmaster when they brought me into the wwe and I'd been Steve Austin for so many years, so I watched this special about the serial killer. And I came up with this cold blooded Ruthless character. I pitched this idea to the Office and told him where I was coming from. And at that time, I was trying to be a bad guy heel, the most hated person in wrestling. So they faxed me back. The Office, the creative team at WWE, names like Fang McFrost, Ice Dagger, and Otto Von Ruthless. I like that junk like that. But I mean, there's.

[John Holmberg]

With your accent. Otto Von Ruthless ain't happening.

[Brady Bogan]

No, it ain't.

[John Holmberg]

All right, I'm from Germany.

[Brady Bogan]

Everybody, everybody, I'm Open up a can of y'all.

[John Holmberg]

That would be an awesome dude to hang with because he's got definite mental disorder. But I like it. I like that. But yeah, Stone Cold could have very easily just not ever shown up on the radar screen had one of those names taken.

[Brady Bogan]

Well, you know, maybe so, but I was smart enough to see that they were turds. Yeah, drop that man. A shredder. And then we proceeded accordingly.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, well, there you go. It's. It's very important to recognize when your boss or the people above you are turds and move past them. That's a hu.

[Brady Bogan]

Got to have a good turd sniffer in this business.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah, you do. You got a hydroplane above it, too.

[John Holmberg]

You and I. You and I shaved our heads for the same reason, by the way.

[Brady Bogan]

Receding hairline.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, that is exactly right. No, that Natural Born Killers made us say we've got receding hairlines. Let's do it.

[Brady Bogan]

You know what? It ended up working out real well for me because I. I have.

[John Holmberg]

What are you saying?

[Brady Bogan]

No, I'm not saying that it didn't.

[John Holmberg]

Work out for you either.

[Brady Bogan]

I can only talk from my personal experience.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, I see. Okay.

[Brady Bogan]

I was starting to lose my. Know, back when I was with wcw, I had long blonde hair, natural, you know, it was beautiful hair. I just wasn't getting a lifetime guarantee on this.

[Dick Toledo]

You did look hot. I've seen some pictures.

[Brady Bogan]

Real cute, huh?

[John Holmberg]

You were gorgeous.

[Brady Bogan]

So then you always think that when you get in pro wrestling, the guy that breaks you into business as your mentor can always answer any question about life that you have.

[John Holmberg]

Right.

[Brady Bogan]

Of course we know that's not true, but.

[John Holmberg]

Right.

[Brady Bogan]

So I called the guy that broke me and I said, hey, Chris, I said, you know, kind of starting to lose my hair. What do you think ought to do? So what do you expect him to say? He goes, I don't know.

[John Holmberg]

Quality mentor.

[Brady Bogan]

The guy that's supposed to be able to answer all my life problems. Isn't able to help me. So that's back when they had that hairclub for men going everywhere. And I was living in Atlanta at the time. So I call up, book up an appointment. I go in there, and it's real nice looking blonde lady came in there. And I'm sitting in a chair, you know, just in this barren room. And she comes in with some rubber gloves on and two of those wooden tongue depressor sticks.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah.

[Brady Bogan]

And she starts combing through my hair. And she goes, okay, you know what? We can take this and we'll put this over here. And we'll put this over here. And I'm thinking, bull, right? You know, I ain't gonna do that. So basically, you know, I walked out of that damn place and never went down and offed it, you know, but shaving my head ended up working out real well for me.

[John Holmberg]

Me too. But I thought.

[Dick Toledo]

I thought maybe you'd say the. The creative team would have come up with some sketches of what you should look like with the hair.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, that would have.

[Brady Bogan]

Back in the day. That would have been fitting.

[John Holmberg]

So the girl. Who's the girl in your movie, by the way? She's hot.

[Brady Bogan]

Which one? There's a couple of.

[John Holmberg]

This one right here. That's standing next to you.

[Brady Bogan]

Yeah, that's. That's her name in the movie's Rosa.

[John Holmberg]

What is her name in real life? Do you know?

[Brady Bogan]

Darcy Ruiz?

[John Holmberg]

Oh, and Irish. How'd that go on set?

[Brady Bogan]

Well, any action and watch the movie.

[John Holmberg]

You can watch her fall in love with you through the film. Fant.

[Brady Bogan]

That didn't fall in love with me.

[John Holmberg]

Believe it. Really? There is one on there that did.

[Brady Bogan]

No, no, it's called the condemned.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, that's true. There's no love in this movie. None. What's up?

[Brady Bogan]

It's probably the feel good movie of 2007.

[John Holmberg]

You say that. A bunch of prisoners killing each other. The feel good movie.

[Dick Toledo]

Feels good.

[Brady Bogan]

Sounds good to me.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, I'm in. That sounds like the.

[Brady Bogan]

That felt real good about it.

[John Holmberg]

You're from Texas. They love killing prisoners there.

[Brady Bogan]

They really do. Hey, light them up. They shouldn't be in prison. If they're in prison or found guilty, light them up.

[John Holmberg]

I agree. Absolutely. Now, Eric here is a big wrestling f and he's going to ask you to sign. I got a book. I got your book. I got it from the goodwill. I signed one of the b. So when the poor mind is wheelchocks. So he wants you to sign the book, but the whole time we've been Talking about you going, yeah, that mov. His moves weren't very good. You know, that stunner couldn't have hurt. I looked at that thing, man. Now the tombstone pile driver, however, now that. Now you're kissing his ass because you were, you were really tough. That's how his neck got broken.

[Dick Toledo]

You wanted me to put on a.

[John Holmberg]

Wrestling with a broken neck for how long?

[Brady Bogan]

Well, I wasn't really broken. I ended up bruising my spinal cord. I was paralyzed about 90 seconds. You know, trans scared the hell out of me.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, yeah.

[Brady Bogan]

Anyway, able to come back out of that. But let me tell you something about that stone cold starter. It works great in the wrestling ring, but it's probably not going to work good in real life. If I was to go, you'll lose.

[Dick Toledo]

The fight by trying that one.

[Brady Bogan]

If we all went in the bar right now and just started drinking and then we started getting more drunk and more drunk and we got in a big ass fight with a bunch of folks and you guys are going toe to toe with everybody and I just jump up and hit someone with a stone cold stunner, Right?

[John Holmberg]

You're done.

[Brady Bogan]

I don't think anything's gonna happen.

[Dick Toledo]

They'll be stunned for a second.

[John Holmberg]

What is this queer doing to me?

[Brady Bogan]

The guy's gonna say, what the hell are we doing sitting on the ground?

[John Holmberg]

Are you trying to make out with me? Yeah, it doesn't really work out. I never thought of that. But yeah. So Eric was mouthing off and evidently he was right. See, I could take him no problem.

[Brady Bogan]

I got a few tricks up my sleeve.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, I'd like to watch.

[Brady Bogan]

You throw him too many, he'd fold.

[Dick Toledo]

Him up like a Samson.

[John Holmberg]

He's got a bad spine. I know I could outrun him. Eric, that's one bad item on him.

[Brady Bogan]

Have you seen the movie yet?

[John Holmberg]

No, I haven't.

[Brady Bogan]

Run it. Some bitch.

[Dick Toledo]

90 seconds. Eric made it look like you were in traction for four years. Yeah, he was like, oh, the guy has no spot.

[John Holmberg]

Here's the thing. And the reason we haven't seen it yet is because we learned our lesson with the Rock. Rock.

[Brady Bogan]

What happened?

[John Holmberg]

We've had the Rock in here a couple times and he's done like two just absolutely horrendous movies. And we saw him beforehand and then we were nice to him the next day and we had to tell him, yeah, it was great. So just in case we didn't want to see it first, I wish you.

[Brady Bogan]

Guys would have seen it. Because I guarantee you, when you do, and I. You know, I'm leaving here in a few minutes, but if you get a chance to go see it, I really hope you do. It's a good movie and I had a lot of fun making it.

[Dick Toledo]

And the time that we did it makes you more excited to want to see the film. Because my point is hard talking to.

[John Holmberg]

Someone after you've seen it, you don't know.

[Brady Bogan]

But you know what? I, you know, I, I'm real cool about that kind of stuff because I wouldn't come out here if you guys have seen the movie. I'm not going to come out here. Go. Did you guys, did you like it?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, yeah.

[Brady Bogan]

Let's just talk some trash and have a good time. I mean people about the movie. But I'm here to say it was a good movie and I hope you guys get a chance to see.

[John Holmberg]

I will see now I want to see it. And that's the point of this whole thing. I didn't want to see you and think, oh, in the back of my mind I just watched this movie and I didn't like it. That's the worst thing in the world.

[Brady Bogan]

It's a good action movie. Got a little bit of story going on.

[John Holmberg]

There you go and you say, so.

[Brady Bogan]

Far it's been received very well.

[John Holmberg]

There's a message in it and there's violence which is missing from movies now. Good old fashioned movie violence.

[Brady Bogan]

This is a movie. We ain't wearing wires and doing all that crazy stuff where you hit somebody to go flying back 30 yards.

[Dick Toledo]

Jet Lee stuff.

[Brady Bogan]

This is a deal where you hit. When you hit somebody, somebody gets hurt.

[John Holmberg]

Beautiful.

[Dick Toledo]

You're not running across a bamboo forest or anything up in the air?

[Brady Bogan]

No, we. That didn't. We edited that out.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Crouching Tiger, Hidden, Stone Cold Steve Austin. What about this punk thing? Was that real when you were unpunked? I don't even know if anybody knows. You went nuts and it was great.

[Dick Toledo]

I thought you were gonna crush the guy.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brady Bogan]

You know what? I have never seen Punk because I don't watch the show. But do I know what it is? Yes. And so when that started happening, it just was a little screwy. And I used to eat at that restaurant all the time.

[John Holmberg]

And what happened? I don't remember exact details.

[Brady Bogan]

I just remember some guy accused some guy that was the parking attendant of stealing my manager's BlackBerry thing or whatever.

[Dick Toledo]

Oh, that's right.

[Brady Bogan]

And so they kind of dump in my lap, like, now I gotta take up somebody.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah.

[Brady Bogan]

And that little parking attendant, he had a little bit of A starter kid on that goatee. I mean, if his cat would have licked his chin, the whiskers would have disappeared. So when he had that scruff on his chin, I didn't buy it. You know, there's. There's something a little bit screwy going on. And then all of a sudden, the girl comes on. She dumps some more stuff in my lap. I'm like, you know, this ain't right.

[John Holmberg]

Right.

[Brady Bogan]

And then. But anyway, the guy starts kind of egging me on a little bit. So I kind of started talking to him in a real soft tone. But the kid pulled the plug because he was getting nervous.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Oh, no. I was getting nervous watching.

[Dick Toledo]

You were ready to go serious and went. And he was just the type of guy that invites a fist.

[Brady Bogan]

Yeah, exactly. But then you, you know, you go that way and trouble for you, big time.

[John Holmberg]

No, you're not going to do that. But you. You have the ability to get crazy eyes, and you got them, and it was great tv. I was like, this has to be fake because nobody can pull this off and not be this mad.

[Dick Toledo]

I was just gonna say, the years being in this business, do you. I mean, have you had flat out challenges before? Being out of bar. Let's go.

[Brady Bogan]

No, you know what? People ask me that all the time. I think it's kind of an energy you give off or something like that. When I go to have some drinks and. And pretty much I'm a lounge lizard. I like to hang at the hotel that I'm at and not get out. I certainly not going to drink and drive. But if someone ever does anything. No one ever does anything like that to me. If anything, it's like, hey, can I buy you beer?

[John Holmberg]

Right?

[Brady Bogan]

And usually I'll say, no, I appreciate it, because I probably got about seven of them already in front of me. And then you might get the odd hey, let's arm wrestle request. I don't arm wrestle, but I've been real lucky.

[John Holmberg]

Leg wrestle. Anybody offer that one up?

[Brady Bogan]

That's a little bit different.

[John Holmberg]

We'll go up there and do that. That's. Yeah, that's cool. Well, man, we appreciate you coming in here. I know this is a grueling deal. I wouldn't want to be in your shoes right now.

[Brady Bogan]

You know what? It's a lot of fun, though, because when you get on airplanes, I mean, you got to have a few cocktails because, you know, you got a steering wheel in your hand. And you know, when you. After the movie, you got to have a few cocktails because Then you got to go to sleep. And when you get up, you gotta have your cocktails. Cause you gotta go talk about the movie.

[Dick Toledo]

He's like, I'm ready to go.

[Brady Bogan]

I need to start a damn movie.

[John Holmberg]

Gotta get back in shape. You need another movie so you can go on tour again. Well, it's cool. We thank you, man. Appreciate you coming in.

[Brady Bogan]

Thank you guys for giving me the time. And if you get a chance, I hope you see the movie. It comes out April 27th.

[John Holmberg]

See, now I'm pumped about it. The Vinnie Jones factor. And now Stone Cold Steve Austin in the movie the Condemned comes out next Friday. Thank you very much, sir. Appreciate it. Very cool. Always entertaining. Stone Cold. And will you sign Eric's book? Is that gonna be a problem? Yeah, please. All right. Beautiful. You got it at the Goodwill. You have to. He can't afford it. He can't afford it.

[Dick Toledo]

On my chest.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, he signed Brady's. It's 98 KUPD. 98 KUPD. Stone Cold. About as solid as they get. And people calling up, emailing and all that stuff, telling us. They'd have never guessed it. So it's time for our Jim Rome moment. Because after Jim Rome does emails or does interviews, he always reads the emails about how great he was. So I just got a couple, so we'll just do that. Oh, so you're gonna enter the ego. Dear Pimp, out of all the people in the wwe, I would have never thought Steve Austin was such a nice, funny dude. I am loving that interview. Ashley, great interview. Best I have ever heard. I will listen to you forever. Richard.

[Dick Toledo]

Richard Fish.

[John Holmberg]

Dear Holmberg, there is no way I am missing that movie after your interview. Misspelled. What a stand up dude. Great work, Wade. Good job, Romy. I've always liked that about Jim Rome. We talked to Bobby Knight a minute ago. I've received over a thousand emails of which I will read all talking about how great my interview with him was. I am great. I always get those moments where you kind of want to go in with the deeper questions, you know, because it's so light hearted fun. Hey, Steve, you got your movie and all that, but you want to get into the. Let's talk about your family.

[Dick Toledo]

There's only three.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, you're gonna make Steve Austin cry.

[Dick Toledo]

And there's only one thing that would surprise you if you get a chance to meet him is you're thinking your hands gonna get crushed when you shake his hand.

[John Holmberg]

He's learned it's soft. Very nice hands. He probably broke a few hands. Probably busted a few people.

[Dick Toledo]

I'm thinking he goes with Lanolin.

[John Holmberg]

He's got very soft hands. I noticed that, too, Brady. Did you see him back down to me, by the way? Yeah, once I started puffing up a little bit, he kind of. I think you showed up puffed up. He admitted this stunner. Weak.

[Dick Toledo]

I think you got a whiff of that chronic halitosis going on.

[John Holmberg]

I tell you what, I'll show you the stunner in a bar. Damn it, man. You're gonna make Stone Cold Steve Austin cry. That's all I want to do, is just make wrestlers come in here. Let's get to the pain. Your Uncle Vito wasn't nice to you, was he? No, God damn it. He's not nice to anybody. Deep inside. It wasn't my fault. It wasn't your fault, Steve. You're right. It was my fault. I like hunting, fishing.

[Dick Toledo]

He likes to start talking about that. Hunting.

[John Holmberg]

Yo. He likes hunting. He was cool. He's about as nice a guy as we've had in here. That was probably one of my. Yeah, all the wrestlers were cool. Batista scared me, but we had Bob Saget in here to protect us, so that was nice, but that was cool. All those wrestlers are great. The Rock, Stone Cold. That's great. We got to get more of them in here. And the condemned. Now, see, that's why you don't see the movie before the interview. Just in case. Just in case. Now, I'm not saying the movie's bad by any means. I'm just saying if I didn't like it, then you got to interview him the next day. That's an awkward situation because he can kick my ass three ways from Sunday, so I don't want to do that.

[Dick Toledo]

So now.

[John Holmberg]

Now I'm very excited to see them. Movie, Right? I'll protect you, John. It's all right. Because. Because now back down. Oh, he's scared to death of Eric. Eric's puffiness.

[Dick Toledo]

Eric von O'Connell.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, Eric von Puffy. Maybe I should get in the wwe. Yeah, maybe you should get into Booba. You won't even need an outfit. Now, that's funny right there. It's 10:07 in the morning sickness. That'll do it for us. We're out of here, Stone Cold. Thank you very much, Steve Austin. From here on out, I. I guess, huh? He's dumping the Stone Cold. I guess. Unless he's wrestling so good for him. Steve Williams. Will he be going with the original? Nah, Steve Austin.

[Dick Toledo]

I'm going with McFreeze or whatever.

[John Holmberg]

Icy McFreeze. Yeah. Yeah, that's a good one. Yeah, there you go. What was the other? I like Baron Von Fries or whatever that was. That was hilarious. It's out of control now. It's good to be on top, isn't it? Yeah. So get on top and ride. With the top morning show in town and the best of Homburg's morning sickness, this segment is brought to you guys by Action Ride Shop. Now, if you're thinking about heading up north to hit the slopes for some skiing, some boarding, or if you're just going to stay down here in the valley and do some mountain biking, Action Ride Shop is your place to be. They got all the gear and all the knowledge you're going to need, so check them out [e-mail] or better yet, just go visit them over there on Gilbert Road and Southern. It's Action Ride Shop. You know, we were talking about that the Onion, which is still the best satire on all of it doesn't matter. Internet, any platform you look at, that thing is, it hits on every level all the time. And they had a headline the other day. Los Angeles Clippers star Chris Paul talks to schools, elementary schools, about staying at a foul truck. That's just such a simple joke, but it's so hilarious. So I've been reading the Onion again yesterday. Their headline was a picture of the people mourning at UC Santa Barbara over the shooting last Friday that said in quotes, there's no way to stop this. Says only nation where this happens all the time. And it was just. It's such a cutting, biting, like, awesome single sentence that, you know, it's like that. We really. We can't figure it out. So, you know, last week we came up with the blow squad to try to say, look, you got a weirdo in the office. No manifesto has ever been written that says, I'm getting laid so often I have to shoot up an area of my neighborhood. I am having so much sex and I'm getting so much attention that I must, in fact, shoot up an area. So we said, you know, you find that weirdo. And Larry McFeely is the one I'm talking about here in our office. Larry's the one who starts saying crazy things like, this guy needs a quick BJ from some volunteer because, you know, it is an effort to prolong the issue and maybe get him back on the horse rather than have him continue down this slump buster. Slump busters. They are real. So, of course, I got into an argument with A guy and he sent letters and whatever saying I was defending the shooter, which clearly I wasn't doing. I'm saying I'm tired of aftermath when we overanalyze everything, saying it's video games, music and whatever else. And then hearing from all of his friends and like his roommate came out today and said, yeah, I had a feeling this was gonna happen. We all knew something. Tired of hearing everybody say, well, we could have done something about it. We just, you know, what are you gonna do? And that is where we're all helpless on that. So I suggested then we had the blow squad go out there and take care of guys like Larry before they start getting weird girl as a band aid.

[Dick Toledo]

And it's a quick fix for a.

[John Holmberg]

Problem that you're like, what's the more.

[Dick Toledo]

You put the band aid on, it could eventually heal.

[John Holmberg]

Exactly. And maybe you like it. But the nerdy weirdos who are antisocial. And my argument for years of that has been every time they've had a feeling, mommy's given them a little pill to say, make that feeling go away so you never feel bad things. And when they actually do feel something bad for real, it's amplified a hundred times over again. So, yeah. But this Allison girl emailed me and said, I normally agree with your unique perspective on social issues, but couldn't disagree more about the crazy California shooter. Here's why. A lot of women do try to sex men out of insanity. And it works for a while, but it's not permanent. We're not saying it's permanent, but I like your attitude. It's called trying to, quote, save them. I've watched friends do it. I've done it myself in the past before I gained a little self esteem. I agree more with your ideas about kids being over medicated. And that kid was really heavily medicated. I sent you an article about all the mass shootings in this country and every one of them heavily medicated kids. I saw that the real problem is poor parenting. Parents who don't spend time with their kids more willing to put them on meds than deal with them. That's my two cents. Keep doing your thing. I agree, but I didn't know that this was actually something women knew they were doing.

[Dick Toledo]

But you know, and to take some of the parents off the deal, I'm immediately pointing saying poor parenting. We've become such a society, at least right now, that you take your kid in for something immediately. The first thing is, but that's by recommendation.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, no, I know. They medicate Immediately. And parents are all too fast and.

[Dick Toledo]

What do you say? Okay, I guess.

[John Holmberg]

Okay. Yeah, of course. Why wouldn't you want the best for your kid? And if it's like, my kid's going through this horrible thing, you've got a pill that's going to make him not deal with it anymore. Of course you're going to do it.

[Dick Toledo]

But the horrible thing, that's where it goes a little in the wrong direction because sometimes you just gotta got it out and it's a, It's a phase.

[Brady Bogan]

What is?

[John Holmberg]

Your dad, my dad, and every dad that said it to us when we had us walking off.

[Dick Toledo]

Yep.

[John Holmberg]

Whatever it is, walk it off, kid.

[Dick Toledo]

You'll be fine.

[John Holmberg]

You'll be all right. She broke up with you.

[Dick Toledo]

I'm telling you, I know what's good for you.

[John Holmberg]

I tell you what though, I, I live next to this one kid who had Asperger's. Some of them need it. Wouldn't stop screaming, medicate, I don't care.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah, that's that kid that's obvious, you know, right there. But.

[John Holmberg]

But not the kid who's just like, man, I feel bad because I'm not very good at baseball. Oh, no. Yeah, it's really getting me down. I'm getting seized now. Let's get you some pills. Let's get you focused. I'm going through anxiety and long term effects are gonna be like when something really bad actually happens and the pills don't work, they don't know how to deal with it. They have no clue how to actually function with emotion. So yeah, that's the issue. But the ladies could help out a little bit by loosening up the old puss strings. I mean, purse strings. Did I say? Yeah, their face, their faces. Strings on the puss. You know their face. Old timey word for face. Strings. Well, it's like purse strings. Not that. No, you're taking it the wrong way. They don't put tampons around me in their faces. Matter with you. You say string and that's all you go. Yeah. You don't think of yo yos or yarn. Something's wrong with you. But yeah, so yeah, I totally agree. But yeah, see, never ever in the history of a manifesto has never been written by a girl. A manifesto has never been like a glowing review of how awesome chicks treat a guy. Never been the case. So maybe make it a little less tough for these nerds to get a little side action. What harm does it do? And that guy that was mad at me kept saying that, oh, you're just saying every man has a right to a woman's body. I'm like, no, I'm not. I'm saying make it a little easier on him. That's all. Why does the game have to be so hard? I got a buddy of mine who just started dating a girl and she's kind of upset that he's in better shape than her. So she makes fun of his body, but if he ever did it to her, all hell would break loose. It's like, my God, the game never ends. You're never satisfied. Megan and I had an argument the other day about how size actually does matter. And I have a scientific way to prove it because every girl tells every guy they're with. You know what? You're perfect. I wouldn't. I've had big. You're just right everybody. So you never know what girls do. You've never had a girl tell you, you know what? It's a little small. It's not for me. You never had that. No guy's ever had that unless they're micro peens and then they're the ones who are writing a manifesto. So I said if in fact you could get rid of all inhibition and you could get rid of all judgment and anything else and you're promised a great night, but the only thing is you're satisfied. You're sexually satisfied by like you get one crazy free night of sex and it's like a game show and there's glory holes and you get to pick which one. And a ten incher comes out and a six incher comes out. Which one do you pick? Every girl in the world will be like the 10 incher. Because size matters. When it comes down to your. No, no, no, no. A reasonable and not like a big thick monster like steel thing, but a reasonable one. Just a little. Any. The bigger one is getting chosen. Even if it's 8 to 6, they're always. They're not going to go I'll take the six incher. They've had that. That's normal. But there's some girls that please. You've. You've probably run into them that it's. They're scared of it to get in there. Oh sure. But they're. But they're still not picking the. For the most part they're all. Still think they're going big billion dollar industry and selling giant sex toys. But there's also a billion dollar industry. The, the smaller one. Yeah, please. The porn. Yeah, I think you're wrong on this porn. Okay, watch porn and Tell me what happens with a girl when she goes, he's so small. Sure, they'll say it. I mean, they're just making it, but.

[Dick Toledo]

You know, but they always designed for man more so. I mean, it's more of a used male used to me. But if it's designed still predominantly a.

[John Holmberg]

Male audience to clip. The reason they appeal to women, though, is these massive, oversized cranks. I don't think they're all. I. They're not all going into these stores to buy the big giant one. That's the fantasy. But they don't buy the small ones. There's no. There is no market for the little ones, the vibrating ones. That doesn't matter for size. I'm talking about the actual usable things. Those things get bigger and bigger. You go in there now, you're like, there are people who use this thing. So there's an industry for it. Chicks. You put.

[Dick Toledo]

And that might have changed the other side.

[John Holmberg]

You put the. You put the full head of hair in a hole. And the bald head guy, she's picking a full head of hair. You put those ripped. Some chicks have a fetish. You put the rib dabs in the hole. You put the belly in the hole. They're picking the ripped. Again, I'm saying fetish. People have fetish. And I'm talking on the majorities. You're talking fetishes, which is a minor, tiny percentage. I'm talking majorities of pleasure. It's the same thing men deal with. Nobody wants to look in the big girl magazine. And you got to give.

[Brady Bogan]

Wow.

[John Holmberg]

You got to give guys like DJ quals. You got to give guys credit. You got to give guys credit. No, he probably really does. That guy's super skinny, man. All those super skinny guys want to bang the big girls. A guy. A guy won't lie about it. Girls don't have any, like, figuring them out kind of thing. If the. If the same rules applied where a big loose thing was stuck to a wall and a super pristine one was stuck to, we'll take that one. If giant boobs came out of the wall and little boobs came out, we'll take the giant ones. Even the guys with like, you know, like, I only look. We'll take the giant ones. We make no bones about it. They're like, no, if. The pleasure. I would. Nobody's here. Nobody's picking.

[Dick Toledo]

It's definitely, I guess, the attention.

[John Holmberg]

The only reason you're trying to argue this is because you've got a six incher just like everybody else else. And it's like. No, no, no, no, no.

[Dick Toledo]

No argument.

[John Holmberg]

I mean people like time out. If in fact you have a night of pleasure.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

And the only. And you get to pick. And a huge pair of gorgeous boobs come out of a hole.

[Dick Toledo]

Gorgeous. Now you're saying gorgeous. Okay.

[John Holmberg]

Of course it's the night of pleasure. It's the good one.

[Dick Toledo]

Compared to small. Gorgeous.

[John Holmberg]

Small. Not even like flat. And she sticks hers up there. Who you picking?

[Dick Toledo]

You're going with the gorgeous set.

[John Holmberg]

Going with the big boobs now, if.

[Dick Toledo]

They'Re better looking one. I mean, you know, because you don't. That takes time to judge.

[John Holmberg]

Right. When you first see you're not seeing a girl, you're seeing boobs come out of a wall.

[Dick Toledo]

We had it at the milk contest.

[John Holmberg]

What's the first ones we saw and.

[Dick Toledo]

Who won last year?

[John Holmberg]

Who won after one. After we got to know her and everything else. But if that big boob girl is doing everything we asked to do. She was in on everything. Had some crazy. If in fact we were trying to. Oh, so we're doing a MILF contest to find the nicest girl. We have in the past there's been a couple of. Yeah, but we have it all. If in fact that contest was all right, shove your boobs in a wall, who'd win? We've had plenty of crazy winners. That contest. If it's shove your boobs in a wall, we're picking the best one based on that and that only I think, I think giant boobs come flying out there like, look at those. It's the novelty. I would say the majority of guys like all different types. Of course they do. But the novelty of that one experience. When you have just one. She would have won. When you have just one one, then why didn't she? Let's say tomorrow you're getting a bullet in your head. And it's like, this is it. Wow, this is extreme. This is it. Well, that's, that's how you do these scientific experiments where you can. Because you cut off scientists.

[Dick Toledo]

I think he answered your question though.

[John Holmberg]

Finish. When you cut off. When you cut off any other option, this is your last one. This is all you're getting. There's no rest of my life. I. The rest of your life's about an hour. So it's like, this is it. We're going to give you one more night of pleasure. And this is what we're going to determine are your preferences. You're not going to sit back and go, okay, I'll take those small One I'll take. You're going to live your life like, okay, I'm going for it. Because in our minds, bigger's better. It may be right or wrong, but bigger's better. It's more pleasurable, it's more fun. It's a better system that way.

[Dick Toledo]

You answered it right there, though. It's novelty.

[John Holmberg]

Of course.

[Dick Toledo]

Majority of the pick is. That's not the most popular. That's a. Because majority of the people that had it are saying, all right, this was a little too, you know, like the. I'm talking about the giant wieners toy.

[John Holmberg]

I'm not talking about toys. There's a million parts to the equation. Because if she has a nice ass, she got abs. She got your thinking about brunette, blonde. Okay? But what I'm saying is you're only allowed to choose based on that one thing they don't know. You're not given the option of giving her a look up and down in a coffee date. So I get just a picture. That's it. You get her boobs out of the wall, and you have to choose. Majority of guys are gonna go, give me those big knockers. If they got hair on them, then of course they wouldn't be part of this. I mean, you're narrowing it down. You're trying to find problems that aren't there. There. I'm saying giant perfect boobs and no little, tiny perfect boobs. And you're like, all right, which one does majority of America is going to choose? What? Okay.

[Dick Toledo]

The one you're more attracted to.

[John Holmberg]

The majority of Americans. Yeah. If you're. If you're into small boobs, you probably. Okay, the majority. Dipsticks. What are they going to pick? Because you guys are trying to argue about nothing. What if they have hair on them? This is our. I'm doing the argument with idiots. Well, if you're narrowing it down to. You're narrowing it down to boobs in a hole. I'm narrowing it down to making one.

[Dick Toledo]

Hour left to live.

[John Holmberg]

Right. Yeah. With a gun to mine. I'm making the point of when you have only one choice left, you're going to choose the bigger thing. It's out of control now. 98, you're listening to the best of Holmberg's Morning Sickness, and this is Frank Caliendo.

[Brady Bogan]

And you'd think I'd be doing a.

[John Holmberg]

Better voice for this promo at the moment. Or is it technically a rejoin? I don't know. I'm not in the radio business. But what I am going to be doing is A little Donald Trump.

[Dick Toledo]

It's good, but not as good as the best of Bloomberg's morning sickness, which we're getting back to right now. That's the weave. And we just wove back.

[John Holmberg]

And then yesterday evening as I got back, because I was. I meant I wanted to. The game ended early. I was gonna go and I went. I had a couple of pops with Kevin Ray afterwards, talking about being a grandpa and how great it is to not have kids and just the regaling in life. And then little basketball chatter. Next thing you know, it's like pushing 11:00. I'm like, God damn it. So I went across to the H and H Ranch apartment which I had intended to go home. And I like, I laid down. I'm like, I'm out. I looked at my leg before and I have. And we've all had one. An ingrown hair on my thigh. And I'm working it and I'm making it worse and it's just awful and it hurts. And so I looked at online and I said causes of ingrown hair. Am I doing? What am I doing wrong? And a lot of times just blue jeans or just a friction rubbing. Friction freak, you know, just a goof. One hair decides to go rogue and go nuts. And this morning I wake up to a news story first thing on here to tell you your phones pay attention to you. It says, man put in coma with 4% survival chance thanks to ingrown hair. God damn it. I'm currently living this. They put this dude in a coma because his ingrown hair got so bad and so infected. And he just thought ingrown hair. And he was right. And he woke up one morning and couldn't use his leg or whatever. He couldn't get up and they're like, oh, this is terrible. This infection's gotten way out of hand. And they put the guy, they just. They put him in a coma. They seduced him into a coma, Brady. Isn't that crazy? It's a near death experience. An ingrown hair. This is him after two weeks in the coma.

[Dick Toledo]

Okay.

[John Holmberg]

I think his body started to shut down because he got so infected. From an ingrown hair. Isn't that nuts? He caught a rare bacteria that was ravaging through his body and shutting down his organs. It got septic and went into shock. Why? Small ingrown hair spinale contra. That contracting sepsis. That's when a person's body responds inappropriately to an infection and organs start damaging themselves immediately through it. Ingrown hair. You should see the one on my leg right now.

[Dick Toledo]

Maybe you should head to the er.

[John Holmberg]

I should probably go wait it out with a mask on or something.

[Dick Toledo]

And what's the problem?

[John Holmberg]

Treat this like I'm going to tell the doctor immediately. You're not going to believe this, but I'm here for. I think I need to be induced into a coma. This isn't looking good. I tried to pop it last night, and I thought my hip was gonna explode. I'm like, nope, it's not ready. I'm squeezing. I took a razor, drug it over the top, and tried to chop off the top to get into the hair. I made it 10 times worse. I poured. I don't have any peroxide at the apartment, but I had vodka. Witch hazel. I don't know if that's even a thing. And I just poured it on. It burned. I'll tell you that. So that means it's working.

[Dick Toledo]

Burning's gotta be good.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, burning is good. When you have an open wound, it's like. That means whatever you poured in there is working. Working. I want. Brady should just throw some vodka on it. The doctors said to us in the way. His sister said. The doctors came out and said to us, steven's not coming out of this a lot.

[Dick Toledo]

Thanks for that.

[John Holmberg]

Yep. He said it just. You don't. He has zero brain activity from an ingrown hair. She wrote. His chance of survival was 4%, according to the doctors. When they told him that they were bringing last right lights in, they were getting it all ready to go. Had undergo open heart surgery, two weeks in a rotating bed to aid his breathing. Have fluids constantly drained from his lungs. However, nothing short of a miracle. Brady. It says right here, he survived and is beginning to regain his ability to walk at the end of 2023. That's what they thought. They. And then the family, of course. We never lost hope or faith. Yeah, you did, or you wouldn't be telling the news. Yeah, the doctors told us he was gonna die. That stood out, didn't it? How about that? So if you've got an ingrown hair today, and a lot of you do, I'm one of you.

[Dick Toledo]

He survived that whole ordeal, and then the hospital had to call the family back. We got to put him down. He can't pass.

[John Holmberg]

Well, that could be. There may be some Italian hospital bookies chasing them down, going, you had a 4% survival rate. And here you are wandering around. Lucky you. Lucky you, huh? It turns out you're a little bit in debt to the people who saved your life. I know you had faith in God and all that, but weren't for the doctors, you wouldn't be here. I'll get you your money, Banner. Yeah, you better. We got about three days. There's. There's juice on this, you know. You thought that ingrown hair was bad. Wait till you get me inside you. Oh, my goodness. So, yeah, if you've got an ingrown hair right now. In fact, if you show me your ingrown hair tomorrow at Four Peaks, I'll buy you a beer. How about that?

[Brady Bogan]

Better get that am.

[Dick Toledo]

You get a bottle. You get a bottle.

[John Holmberg]

You show me that you're, you know, borderline SA sepsis from that disgusting thing growing on your thigh. Well. And damn it all if I'm not gonna just let you guys have a free beer on me. How about that? It's out of control now. 98, you're listening to the HMS Podcast, brought to you by Mo Money Pawn and MMP Guns at the corner of 12th street and Indian School in Phoenix. There's more of the best of homework's morning sickness. 98. KUPD, it's time for the Brady Report, brought to you by all Pro Shade Concepts. Arizona's best patio. Shades gotta have shade if you're living in this state because we got a lot of sun. And where there's sun, there's heat. And where there's heat, there's sun. I don't know, there's lights. You want shade? Put some shade on that. And all Pro Shade Concepts, 20 years in the Valley, helping out, they got Brady's house all hooked up, ready to go. Bray said he ever have a thousand feet of shade, which confused people. Brady forgets to say square feet, which makes it feel like you've got 1,000ft of shade. That is a lot of shade. But a thousand square feet of shades, a hell of a. That's a hell of a push. But if you guys want to get in on this thing, having an outdoor space where you can actually be super comfortable, they will make it happen. All you have to do is get your estimate [e-mail] get it rolling, and have the shade installed before summer gets here. That's for sure.

[Dick Toledo]

Brady reported this will be the last. Let's see. Ordering at home. Covid kits ends here. I think it's.

[John Holmberg]

You're holding paper. Quit thinking. Thank God we're off next week. We need a reset.

[Dick Toledo]

Pretty sure.

[John Holmberg]

The thing I was reading to you.

[Dick Toledo]

Are you sure it's Ending.

[John Holmberg]

Somewhere in all these. Somewhere in all these words is the information on when that's gonna over. I'm not really into the whole read the story I'm holding idea.

[Dick Toledo]

I like to wing it. They announced it Tuesday. The at home kits and today.

[John Holmberg]

Today's today. There you go. There you go. That's a whole story. A beginning, a middle, and an end. That's a curse for everything. Yeah, we gotta take next week off. Somebody's got to breathe.

[Brady Bogan]

Give him the air, cohagen.

[Dick Toledo]

73% of millennial parents think they're doing a better job with their kids than their own parents did with that.

[John Holmberg]

Did it? Well, yeah. You're there. Come on.

[Brady Bogan]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

I mean, easiest one for me to get attendance. And you've won the game.

[Dick Toledo]

According to the poll, here are the top four parenting strategies they're using the most. But their parents didn't. Gentle parenting guides children through the decision making process without the parent setting demands and rules.

[John Holmberg]

Demands and rules. How dare you as a parent. All right, that's better. That's what people consider where we get advice.

[Dick Toledo]

24% have gotten parenting advice from social media, but other than that, it hasn't really changed much. Being an open. Being open about mental health. Your own parents might have just told you to buck up.

[John Holmberg]

And they weren't wrong either.

[Dick Toledo]

But 80% of millennial parents think discussions about mental health and emotional well being are important.

[John Holmberg]

I've had that. Yes. And there's two sides to that. Every depression doesn't mean your kid's clinically depressed. Stressed. Fact. And every. Every happy thing doesn't mean they're bipolar. Right. That was the thing I had to tell Alex. I'm like, look, this is a thing you're going through. Buck up. Right? You get out of it. And he has. Toughen up, buttercup.

[Dick Toledo]

Two thirds say their own parents never did that.

[John Holmberg]

Talk to them about mental health. Yeah, well, my dad said he would make me retarded. A few times we talked about mental health. You keep this up about your lack, I'm scramble your brains. You think you're depressed now? That was a big one. You think you're sad now? Keep it up. Huh? Oh, that was the one when Alex.

[Dick Toledo]

Told me he's gonna contact cps.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Oh, he told him. Yeah, I'm getting my money's worth. All right, then. Does that mean. You'll see. Go ahead and call. Pick up the phone. I have. You think they're gonna show right up? 8 minutes to destroy your world, then I'm gonna call the police because the murder's gonna trump your he treats me bad. I was told long ago. So leave one story, Alex. Yeah, mine. Put the phone down, Trey.

[Dick Toledo]

The last one is being present with your kids. 80% of millennial parents claim they always try to prioritize their kids over work. 77% think they're more present with their children than their own parents were with.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, well, there was a lot our parents did right and a lot they did wrong. But to dismiss it all and make every time your kid sniffles depression that needs pills is the vigorous. It's not working Somewhere in between a happy medium of like knocking them around a little bit and making sure that they're mentally okay. Real quick, we. We're unearthing.

[Dick Toledo]

When you scratch the mental health thing.

[John Holmberg]

With listeners, John, you know, I spilled.

[Dick Toledo]

Water on the floor on Christmas Eve.

[John Holmberg]

Still remember to this day.

[Dick Toledo]

My father beat me bloody.

[John Holmberg]

That's too so you're godamn right. I'm doing better job than that mfer with my kids. Right. Well, there's an extreme example. If you were beaten bloody at any point, the curve. Right. It's polarity is what I'm saying. Somewhere in the middle, I believe was the phrase I used. Between beating someone bloody and then giving them pills every time they act sad. If they see a sad movie, you don't pill them up. And if they spill a glass of water, you don't beat them up somewhere. Somewhere kind of like, you know, you try to go through the bridge. Not through the bridge.

[Dick Toledo]

Chance of being a better parent, right?

[John Holmberg]

Much better. If you're looking at all angles and saying, you know, somewhere in the middle is a nice but if your kid's bleeding because there's water on the floor, that's too far. And yes, it's easy to like Toledo. It's easy to do a better job than a guy that used to punch it for spilling water.

[Dick Toledo]

Dairy Queen is celebrating the arrival of spring with free cone day. Go there right now.

[John Holmberg]

Is there ice cream in it?

[Dick Toledo]

You get a small vanilla cone. All guests, limit of one per person. As soon as they open, I think hey, Brady, like 11:00? Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

They open at 11.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. I'm guessing and you're guessing. It's pretty educated guess.

[Dick Toledo]

I didn't know this. In the northern hemisphere, spring officially begins the vernal equinox. I know that part, but I didn't know it happens twice a year.

[John Holmberg]

What did you know?

[Dick Toledo]

Equinox, the vernal equinox, which occurs between March 19th and the 21st, depending on the year Equinox. The equinox happens twice a year at the points of the earth tilt towards the sun.

[John Holmberg]

Right.

[Dick Toledo]

I always thought it was just one day.

[John Holmberg]

Take some time to equinox.

[Dick Toledo]

Equinoxing ain't easy.

[John Holmberg]

That's right.

[Dick Toledo]

Couple of basis fun facts. Everything is bigger in Texas, including the Dairy Queens. The fleet of Dairy Queens we sponsored.

[John Holmberg]

By Dairy Queen today. What going on?

[Dick Toledo]

Texas has 581 Dairy Queens. In other Dairy Queen news, it's the.

[John Holmberg]

Biggest state with a lot of people in it. That makes sense.

[Dick Toledo]

Ohio has the second 255.

[John Holmberg]

There's where your problems. Oh wait, California's not second. There's 34 million people in California. They don't have more Dairy Queens than Ohio. If you want Hawaiian noodles. Oh, they got in California, you fat.

[Dick Toledo]

Houston. Houston alone has 25 Dairy Queens Queen locations. The Netherlands set up.

[John Holmberg]

I know it's going to happen about 10:18 today. We're going to be sitting in the office. You're getting an offer from Houston. We should take it. What? We should move to Houston. Seems like a place I'd fit right in.

[Dick Toledo]

Little update from Chick Fil A. Any customers that have a Polynesian sauce dipping cups. If they took a couple home and they got them between February 14th and the 27th, throw them away.

[John Holmberg]

Okay.

[Dick Toledo]

Because they it's not the right sauce and it might contain.

[John Holmberg]

Wait, there are people who go there and just take the sauce home.

[Dick Toledo]

Oh yeah, yeah. If they haven't used the.

[John Holmberg]

Where the hell you been, John? Jesus. Wait a minute.

[Dick Toledo]

You've never had Taco Bell hot packets left over from me on the. Yeah, just throw them in the cabinet. Other people at Storm they'll have.

[John Holmberg]

I've seen that actually. No kidding. The whole condiment drawer?

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah. The only ones we save are the.

[John Holmberg]

Soy sauce packets from Japanese food because we don't have soy sauce.

[Dick Toledo]

Some people will do the sriracha in the packets or you just stuff them in the first every now and then. Now they. Now it got so popular that people. Now you can buy. Oh, I guess you can buy that Polynesian sauce.

[John Holmberg]

But the Polynesian sauce, aren't you using it it.

[Dick Toledo]

Sometimes you get too many packets.

[John Holmberg]

Okay.

[Dick Toledo]

And rather than throwing it away, they keep it.

[John Holmberg]

But what else do you use it for? You're just gonna go to Chick Fil A and get more. You'll always have too much.

[Dick Toledo]

Oh, you can put it on other stuff. If you have. If you make chicken at home, I.

[John Holmberg]

Suppose and you're using Chick Fil A Polynesian sauce Which I think if you're making chicken from home and using their.

[Dick Toledo]

Sauce, just go there between the 14th and 27th. If you have any of that.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, be careful with your.

[Dick Toledo]

It's the real deal.

[John Holmberg]

Surplus of Polynesian.

[Dick Toledo]

Important update.

[John Holmberg]

I thought you just tossed it. You used what you use and you throw the rest away. Waste. That's what we do. We're Americans. We waste it. One of our listeners is wondering why this wasn't in our new releases on Tuesday. I have a song called Jews with Kanye. Now, according to this, and I like your stage name. Yeah. Hebrew Homebird. Thank you, you listeners, for really running with that yarn. I'm still blown you're the new double H. Do you keep the ketchup? Where do you draw the line?

[Dick Toledo]

Some people keep ketchup.

[John Holmberg]

The packets. Bottle in my fridge.

[Dick Toledo]

I've seen people with it.

[John Holmberg]

Like, it. It's like a junk drawer. They just have all kinds. I remember as a joke, look here in the.

[Dick Toledo]

Maybe here in the kitchen.

[John Holmberg]

Well, does anyone use it? It just stays there forever. People actually break out into that drawer of. I. I'm not saying it happens.

[Dick Toledo]

I don't know. There used to be.

[John Holmberg]

There used to be a drawer. Condiments. Yeah, There was the old building. Yeah. I never used it, but.

[Dick Toledo]

Well, that's because they were there for 50.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, I'm sure.

[Dick Toledo]

I think there's a part of a guilt reason, like, I don't want to throw these unused packets away. Maybe someone will like them.

[John Holmberg]

One time, 25 years ago, we were collecting them for work lunches, and my friend and I handed them out for Halloween.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Because we're like, nobody ever uses the. The leftover ones, but I guess we should have just given them to Brady. Yeah. We were giving Kimlan and all sorts of stuff to kids for Halloween. Packets, like from March. We didn't care.

[Dick Toledo]

Fresh red pepper packets.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. We were kind of joke piling those for the pizzas on Sunday. Got a ton of those. We're never gonna use them.

[Dick Toledo]

I know. They'll be in that drawer.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Because the next time I get pizza, they're gonna give me more. I will never not have enough. Throwing them out keeps me eating, even.

[Dick Toledo]

Say no. Use the ones that you have.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, I should just give it back to the pizza guy when he shows up here. We're not using them. A pile of these.

[Dick Toledo]

Trader Joe's announced they're raising the price of a single banana for the first time in over two decades. Went from 19 cents to 23 cents. It's only four cents but thank you.

[John Holmberg]

It's a special day.

[Dick Toledo]

It's a 21 jump.

[John Holmberg]

We understand. Four cents.

[Brady Bogan]

That's four cents.

[John Holmberg]

For those of you not in the know.

[Dick Toledo]

That's not how it was said. I said that's only 4 cents. No, you said that's 21.

[John Holmberg]

We're laughing because you said that's 4 cents. Like you were revealing the big math equation. We wouldn't have laughed. You said that's only 4 cents. Sense. But thanks. Yeah. If you had a scruff, I'd pick you up by it and I'd set you outside for a minute.

[Dick Toledo]

The whole reason they sell them individually.

[Brady Bogan]

Here we go.

[John Holmberg]

See? You know it's bad when you got him on those. He's gone.

[Dick Toledo]

I'm just happy he got that.

[John Holmberg]

Well, no, he got it because you. You did the math.

[Dick Toledo]

That's the only reason I did it.

[John Holmberg]

Thank you. Put the pencil down. You're never gonna get there. Brett has to be naked to count to 21.

[Dick Toledo]

The whole reason they sold the bananas individually is the CEO saw a lady grab a bunch and then put them back. He asked her why she didn't pull the trigger on the entire banana purchase. She told him, sonny, I may not live for that fourth banana. So then he decided, let's just sell them individually then.

[John Holmberg]

That's how come they sell bananas off the. Off the bunch. Because some old dog wasn't gonna live. Broke broad with that. She had two days to live and she wanted four bananas.

[Dick Toledo]

Think she'd make it to the fourth banana?

[John Holmberg]

She. But what a. Bananas last a week, maybe a little longer. Max hops. Yeah. And she's at Trader Joe's knocking down the bananas and cares if she wastes one. Get in the box immediately. Yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

Canada's maple syrup reserve hits an all time low. A 16 year low. The Reserve is in Quebec. It's designed to hold 133 million pounds of maple syrup. 2023. The supply fell to 6.9 million pounds.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Are you all right?

[Dick Toledo]

Global warming, climate change. They're saying the warmer weather disrupts production.

[John Holmberg]

Trees still make SAP though, right? Whether it's. Yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

I mean, they still have a 6.9 million ton reserve.

[John Holmberg]

6.9 million tons is what they said.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. That's a lot.

[Dick Toledo]

But at one time it was 133 million.

[John Holmberg]

Like oil that we're just.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

We can't artificially make syrup. Oh, yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

No. Majority of it is.

[John Holmberg]

Artists say McDonald's isn't.

[Dick Toledo]

But real maple syrup. If you're a purist, it's a Lot more expensive.

[John Holmberg]

You're talking. I can't tell you. I don't know if you could fool me.

[Dick Toledo]

There's a difference.

[John Holmberg]

Okay.

[Dick Toledo]

Pizza Hut today announced it will celebrate the solar eclipse occurring April. April 8 with a new pizza deal dubbing it the total eclipse of the Hut.

[John Holmberg]

You can't see half of your pizza, but you get the full chart.

[Dick Toledo]

12 bucks.

[John Holmberg]

It's just a pizza with a funny name.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah. Total eclipse of the Hut.

[John Holmberg]

I heard it.

[Dick Toledo]

Four cents.

[Brady Bogan]

You have.

[John Holmberg]

You have a thing today. You're special today. And I like it. I like this. You. You. I like it because of what it does to him too. Cuz he's off. He's off. The chair killed me.

[Dick Toledo]

I'm so stupid. I don't think it was said like that.

[John Holmberg]

Nothing better than him rolling down the road laughing.

[Dick Toledo]

The New York Post did a write up on a thing that's back in a big way. Toupee who pays her back. They've gotten a lot better since their heyday in the 80s. The good ones use real hair that's stitched into a piece of polyester that was their heyday. Was thin enough to sweat through the. You glue it onto your scalp, get you the exact haircut you want. You can shower in it. You can go six months before it needs to be reapplied. Ah, there's a guy in a video. It's got a showing how he's doing it. They're cheaper than the. The surgeries.

[John Holmberg]

Well, yeah, a whole lot less painful. Doug Hopkins got that front notch put on. He told me it was a nightmare of pain. But now he's got the hair that Hermey had in the Rudolph special up front. Just a big, wavy, curly, beautiful head of hair.

[Dick Toledo]

You're gonna like this next story too.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, this is the two pace guys strapping on a toupee right here.

[Dick Toledo]

And he shows you.

[John Holmberg]

I've never seen the actual application.

[Dick Toledo]

Well, he just shows you the front part. You can see how thin the.

[John Holmberg]

He goes.

[Dick Toledo]

I didn't glue it all the way just to show you the flap.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, oh, you gotta log in or something. I think I get the gist of it. Little Elmer's slap on the hair. Off you go.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

To be one of the world's best.

[Dick Toledo]

He says he's naturally bald, but he's doing it just to see what it looks like. He goes, I probably won't.

[John Holmberg]

It's awesome.

[Dick Toledo]

I'll remain bald.

[John Holmberg]

But you know what?

[Dick Toledo]

No, this is looking pretty good.

[John Holmberg]

Hate to break it to you, even if you're wearing a hat, you're still bald. You will remain bald even if you're wearing a little fake hat of hair. And it never matches on the side of the back. It's just Toupee guy. We all see it.

[Dick Toledo]

And now it's time for a really quick Wild World.

[John Holmberg]

Okay. And go.

[Dick Toledo]

Hello, my friends. I'm Brady Bogan, and this is your Wild, Wild World. We've got this Welsh woman who's on a trek to base camp in Mount Everest. She's doing it for a charity. Emma Keane is her name. She was FaceTiming her family before. She's getting ready to take the track.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

And right in the middle of the.

[John Holmberg]

FaceTime, she got eaten by something.

[Dick Toledo]

A yak Gorder.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, man. I didn't even know yaks could do that.

[Dick Toledo]

She said, I was speaking to my brother and his wife, showing them, you know, the beautiful hillside and getting ready to go on this trek. Without warning. I could hear the hooves pounding towards me. A sharp stabbing.

[John Holmberg]

Isn't it pain? Good morning.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah, but she's FaceTimed.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, but you can't say without warning.

[Dick Toledo]

If you're hearing the hooves.

[John Holmberg]

She's gonna go viral with this one.

[Dick Toledo]

Threw her up in the air. I landed back down.

[John Holmberg]

I threw up in the air. Are you confessing to being a yak? You said, I threw her up in here. I'm like, are you a yak Yacter?

[Dick Toledo]

Anyway, she had a big hole in her leg from the horn, right? Went through her leggings. So they flew her to the.

[John Holmberg]

You are filled with unnecessary extras today. Who cares about her pants?

[Dick Toledo]

She's wearing leggings. She just went through her Lululemon.

[John Holmberg]

But I assumed her pants were ruined by the goring of her leg. You were superfluous.

[Dick Toledo]

And she can get in line with all the other thousand people going to base camp. Camp for charity.

[John Holmberg]

By the way, that's not the picture.

[Dick Toledo]

The actual yak.

[John Holmberg]

Don't disagree. That is over. Oh, this is a thank you. I didn't know that's what yaks looked like.

[Dick Toledo]

Nothing special. Watch it.

[John Holmberg]

A cow with, like. It's a cow. Horse, cow, cow, horse.

[Dick Toledo]

What?

[John Holmberg]

Looks like somebody drew it there. Like God went, whoops. I added horse to that. Oops. I added more cow. I can't fix this now. It's kind of ox, cow, horse. Jesus.

[Dick Toledo]

That's your wild, wild world, huh?

[John Holmberg]

I hope she gets new pants.

[Dick Toledo]

John, there's a photo from 1917 that has sparked claims that time travel is real. After a man was spotted in the snapshot, Looks like he's from the 20th century.

[John Holmberg]

Holding the cell phone.

[Dick Toledo]

Some people are convinced he's a surfer from the 2000s.

[John Holmberg]

20S. It's Bodhi.

[Dick Toledo]

So this guy. The picture was taken in Canada in 1917. There was a group of grown ups and kids sitting on a hill. Women are dressed in long skirts, and the gents are in the smart jackets and bowler hats. But what's really got everyone talking about is the one dude looks like he stepped out of the 20th century. He's easy to spot. He's in a baggy T shirt and shorts, messy hair.

[John Holmberg]

All right, let's see this. If you.

[Dick Toledo]

Here's the distance shot. I'll show you the close up.

[John Holmberg]

Just a blurry mess.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah, it's a blurry mess. Now let's focus in. Have too much time on the surfer, bro.

[John Holmberg]

Okay.

[Dick Toledo]

It's real, man. He time travels.

[John Holmberg]

He's still a human being. He's just not wearing one of the hats. I bet you took all these guys hats off.

[Dick Toledo]

He's the only guy in T shirt shorts.

[John Holmberg]

That guy's in shorts right next to him.

[Dick Toledo]

Well, okay. Not in the shorts.

[John Holmberg]

Wearing a sex wax T shirt or something or what? And maybe you just can't see that it's a. He just unbuttoned his shirt and he spilled something on it. He's just got a T shirt. Unless he's got a Make America Great Again hat on. Stop with the time travel crap. Let's see. He's got long hair. All of them do. There weren't barbers. There weren't super cuts back then.

[Dick Toledo]

The Canadian hillbillies.

[John Holmberg]

He was probably poor. And then he took his. His hat off because he was probably hot. And they snapped the shot.

[Dick Toledo]

Dude's checking out the waves, right?

[John Holmberg]

Of all people, time traveling. How is Spicoli gonna figure out his way back? And also he ends up on the side of a mountain and mining. That's the worst. If you can time travel, last thing you'd do is go do hard labor some other place. Whoa. We're strip mining, bro. Yesterday I was in Huntington. I was riding some cool waves, and I hit this machine. And now I'm with you dudes. That is a news story. Time travel people can't just look at it go. Oh, dude took his hat off. Nope. They think it's time travel, man. I am surrounded by morons. Not you guys. Although that does apply. It's like one of our promo kits, right? Because humans have always looked pretty much like that. It's only been a hundred and Something years. Styles change. But a dude put a dirty shirt on and a pair of shorts to work the mine. The guy next to him has shorts on. And evidently Canadians wore shorts.

[Dick Toledo]

A guy in Texas is running for president after officially changing his name to literally anybody else. First name literally.

[John Holmberg]

Right.

[Dick Toledo]

Even has it on his driver's license. A judge approved it. Like, I don't know why you're doing.

[John Holmberg]

This, but go get him.

[Dick Toledo]

All right. His name before that was Dusty E. Dustin E. I changed my name too.

[John Holmberg]

I also hate.

[Dick Toledo]

There's his Texas driver's license.

[John Holmberg]

There he is. L. Anybody else? Literally anybody. First, middle, last name. El. Not an organ donor. The time travel thing. You got me on Ghost in Time Travel travel. It's not a thing. It's never been a thing. It will never be a thing. And again, I remind you my philosophy holds true 100%. You cannot mess with it. If at any time in the history of the spectrum of man made time traveling through it was invented, we'd know about it from the beginning of man to the end of man. If time travel is invented at any point, we would know about it all the time. Because you can't go back in time. Time travel and tell them. A time traveler. Prove it. Then go forward in time and just not dabble with the current we're dealing in without us having. Somebody's going to overlap to it. And why would everybody. It's the same thing I always say about the devil. How come he's in on this whole thing that God's not getting involved. You have free range. Just leave it up to us. That's dumb. He's got some juice. You it. If you had a time machine. Got some juice and juice. And he's got those too. If you had a time machine and somebody said don't use this for bad. Oh, okay. You would use it for your own gains. And people be. How do you know though? Because if some dude went back in time and created Starbucks in the 20s and then it became twice as big then and more and more and more, everyone would be rich. There's no way that dude is gonna hide that for just himself. He's gonna tell a buddy. If I invented time travel like Brady, you're the only person I'm telling. You think Brady goes back and invents barbecue sauce? Like he's not gonna be the guy responsible for that. And then I know. Then Brady knows. Then Brady tells Ronnie. Ronnie goes back to something. Then Ronnie knows. Now it's just gonna. There's no way one dude's kept this to himself the whole time.

[Dick Toledo]

I'm filling out a perfect bracket.

[John Holmberg]

I'm doing all sorts of crazy stuff. And by the way, I'm never doing the Biff.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah, of course you are.

[John Holmberg]

I'm never gonna stop doing it. I had a big win in Vegas. I go back all the time because that feeling was so great. I want it again. Time travel has got to be pretty awesome. If I'm just sitting here talking to Toledo one day and then I'm like, you know what? I accidentally dicked around and messed something up in my closet, and I met Jesus yesterday. I'm definitely gonna keep doing that. And eventually I'm gonna stumble. Even at Back to the Future, they screwed up. By the third one. There had to be like eight deloreans. Too many people. Now we got to stop with the time travel and stop with the ghosts and start being adults. It's out of control. Now you're listening to the HMS Podcast, brought to you by MMP Guns online at mmpguns.com Arizona's largest gun store. The best of the morning sickness is on the air. Do any of you people do any actual work? The rest of Holmberg's morning sickness. Another thing old people did yesterday. Rupert Murdoch, he's a billionaire. He's gonna get married again. He's. He has. At 92 years old. He asked the lady to marry him, and he's robbing the cradle. She's 67 ladies. His cash. He could have did better than that. First and foremost, happy International Women's Day. Second, this is the blueprint. If I was a woman, that's exactly the plan. I always say this. Why Ronnie? Why Mathias, why Megan? Why Lisa? Are you dicking around with the likes of us? All you women out there right now look at that husband of yours and tell me, is love worth that? When you got Rupert Murdoch wandering around single? Every time a billionaire breaks up with somebody, every one of our wives should start packing a bag. And I'm talking all you out there. And ladies, this is for you, too. This is equality. This is what men can't have. You want to talk about equal rights? Give that to us. Where a billionaire woman gets single and we all, you know, all we have to do is milk it with. With some sex. We got no ends. We don't know how to impress a billionaire woman. If you're 67, a 92 year old man's looking at you like you're a co ed. You got all the apples. You got the whole thing. Now use it for Christ's sake. Quit acting like you don't have equality. You've got advantages, man.

[Dick Toledo]

If Fox could step it up and do Joe Billionaire.

[John Holmberg]

Oh man, Rupert Billionaire. I would watch that show all day. Rupert the Bachelor. You. Can you imagine the age range?

[Dick Toledo]

Unbelievable.

[John Holmberg]

18 to 80. It would be every one. And they would be the, the 25 smartest women on the planet for getting involved in it in the first place. Women always talk. It's all for love. It's all the blah blah, blah. They watch the Bachelor like it's going out of style. They watch one dude bang 20 chicks and they call it romance. Try that in real life and they think that those girls are in it for love. And the guys that they find each other and the marriage is all the goal. Bull crap. That Dude's trying to 15 influencers and he's succeeding. And then. And man, my friend's daughter's 25. She's all in on the Bachelor and it's ruined her life because that's the way she wants to find a guy. Like this weird Cinderella mansion thing. Ladies, stop with the inequality talk and recognize where your advantages live. Stop trying to get the advantages men have, which is intelligence, rationale, logic, and start using what you've got, which is the ability to manipulate us like nothing else on this planet and use it. There's your equality. The state of the union is strong. We want your equality. Well, that's ours for a reason. We want your equality. We don't have that. We don't have the. You know what they call us if we're that Svengalis or predators. If we start trying to sexually manipulate a woman for money, we're jerks. Women are just getting it done. Still think he could have did better than that though. Oh yeah, no. He count.

[Dick Toledo]

I mean, look at the old guy in Texas.

[John Holmberg]

I'll tell you side by side, she's hot as. But when you see a 67 year old woman by herself, you very rarely are like whoa. But next to a 92 year old man, you're like, she's, she's figured it out. Look at that old gomper that got Anna Nicole smith. I mean 90 years old, she was like in her 20s. Yeah, genius. And, and so was she, by the way. Oh, absolutely. No man looked at Anna Nicole Smith as a bad person. Women did. And it was jealousy that drove that.

[Dick Toledo]

Train because there's no way that's love, right?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. They were like, they don't love each other. It's all for the money. And every guy was like you're right. And he's on his last leg, so it's all for. Everybody's getting what they want.

[Dick Toledo]

That's the amazing thing. You take any billionaire guy has $410 billion, whatever, you can still find a woman that'll drop him to his knees.

[John Holmberg]

Absolutely. And she's usually got to drop to her knees to do it. No, that dude, that rich old man that had Anna Nicole Smith, all he wanted to do was something that looked good a few more times before he died. And all she wanted was. Was proper payment for that act. Everybody wins. It was one of the most beautiful relationships of all time. I don't look around and see it too often, but in that one, I saw true happiness. That dude was always smiling, and she was seemingly like, this is going to work out for me. And she cried when he died. You know why? She's happy. But now she wasn't gonna, like, have him protecting it, or now she had to fight the kids. He did a bad job of setting her up. That was the one thing. But then, you know, they had all the lawyers and stuff. That's that. Ladies, there's your equality. Stop it. Women always bitch and cry like, we want to play on the Augusta golf court. Build your own. That's for men. No, we want you always marching out in front of our stuff. We never march in front of curves. We never go to book club. We don't want anything to do with your stuff. You're always marching in front of our stuff. Recognize your strengths and stop making it so they're bad. That's all a man wants. The reason you won't use your manipulation is because you know it makes us happy. Well, if he's happy, then I don't get everything. Right. Use your strength. 67, Rupert Murdoch, single. There should have been a line around the world to get into that house. I would have gotten in line. I'd have been blowing that old man if it meant. If that's what he wanted. And he's like, I like him. A. A bald man. Come down here, blow me. Like, all right. How old does he have to be? I don't know. Somewhere between 45 and 70. I'm in the range. Rupert, whip that thing out. Let me put that uncooked noodle in my mouth.

[Dick Toledo]

I understand you write checks for harassment. I'd like to date you.

[John Holmberg]

I'm not doing the harassment. I. I will sign an NDA that say, I will never, as a man, sue you for harassment. I want it just as much as.

[Dick Toledo]

That's why he loved her.

[John Holmberg]

I will pounce on you and make you mummy dust. You are gonna explode in dirt. Thank God Matthia, Megan and Ronnie didn't hear that he was single. And I'm proud cuz we'd be sitting here solo, right? Had I known, I'd have pushed her out the door. Here's a plane ticket. Go fly off. You're an idiot.

[Dick Toledo]

I thought game was over for Ruby.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, no, he's getting married. And this broad's a genius. I do. She's about to say, and look over at a 92 year old. You want to talk about ROI, go to Trajan. Well. And say, what should I do? Invest in this, this or this or Rupert Murdoch until he dies. I'm like, holds a guy 92. Yeah, you need to. Rupert Murdoch. Jeff Jr. Would sign off on that in a heartbeat.

[Dick Toledo]

The Murdoch fund.

[John Holmberg]

Right, that's it. Wait a minute. You know Rupert Murdoch? He just pushed all the papers on the floor. What are you doing here? We're going to buy Apple and have a ten year plan. Well, you're a moron. Get on your knees and start Rupert Murdoch. That's your advantage. Advantage. We want equality. We want. You want our equality. Can't have it. Logic and intelligence belongs to us. Physical manipulation, that's all yours.

[Dick Toledo]

Like Dewey Cox. You don't want this.

[John Holmberg]

You don't want any. There's a lot of pressure with being a man. Having to be right all the time and fix stuff. And you know when you bump into the car in front of you, I got to do all the calls for insurance and all that stuff. Come on. You don't want all that. You don't want that nonsense. Use what you've got to your advantage and stop complaining. You end up with never ever do you hear men say, Stedman. He's just there for the money. Ugh. That's not love. We all wish we were Steadman. Oh, in a heartbeat. Every guy out there is like, well, still have to bone Oprah. It's worth it. And I don't think you do. I don't think so. I think Gail's taking care of that. I think Oprah's just like Stedman. Mind the guest house. And Stefan's like two thumbs up Oprah. I'll do whatever you say. Steadman is in heaven. And we all wish we could be there. We don't have that juice, ladies. You do. We're too busy, you know, running company. Paying you three quarters of what you.

[Dick Toledo]

And it's like wondering if, you know, you Never hear from. From Steadman. It's like, is there.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, he's perfect.

[Dick Toledo]

Is it like the Pope? Is there? Smoke coming out of the chimney?

[John Holmberg]

Shuts the up. He's the deandre Ayton of husbands. He plays video games all day. Probably is weeded out of his mind. He could have dreads down to his ass at this point. No one's seen Steadman in years. Oprah could have killed him. We don't know. Seven doesn't show up anywhere. Doesn't show up at any of her events. She goes on TV talking about Ozempic and her personal life's a mess. Who's to her? Right? Gayle King. I think they've been slapping Chunch for a long time while Stedman's like. I can hear the slapping. I'm not even gonna walk in on it. Yeah, Stedman's a genius. And he's living life whether he gets all the money or not someday. Doesn't matter. He's living with a billionaire who's like, foot in the bill. Perfect. Ladies. This is stuff stupid, but yeah. So they're gonna get married in June. Rupert. And she's Russian or something. I don't know if he ordered her or what happened, but. Elena Zhukova, oligarch widow or, you know, I don't know her story. Don't care. She's just the smartest woman on planet earth right now. Elon Musk walks around without a girlfriend. He's got like nine kids. Nobody says anything about that. Nobody calls him a deadbeat dad. Nobody. Nope. He named his kid symbols and schwas and, like, unpronounceable stuff and everything. He's just what he is. Marry Elon Musk. That arrow remains pointed up too. You can imagine. Elon Musk has all the money he's got. He's nowhere near finished. Getting half of what he's got right now would set you up for generations. Getting half of his future earnings. You can own the planet.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Sometimes I wish I was a woman. No one. Kim Petras was right. Whatever that dude's name was before what a what a And took it to the next level of what a dude wants a girl to be. Like talking about being a throat goat and touch my coconuts. I'm gonna bang you all night. My album's called Slut Pop. This is a man's brain in a woman's body. And she's the ideal. No, it's not like that. It's about romance. Oh, you mean like the Bachelor? Those girls are no different than Kim Petrus. They were just born different. There's 30 sluts looking for attention, a dick and some money. They call it marriage because they have to mask it with that or they look like trollops. So what? Anyway, that's my International Women's day speech for 2024.

[Dick Toledo]

What a way to kick it off.

[John Holmberg]

That is a great way to kick it off. Ladies, come on. Go for the paycheck, idiot. We want to get paid what men get paid. All right, well, there's one way to do that. You know what that is? You want that extra 15? 20% isn't. There's an option for you. You're intimidated by women. Yeah, because you guys hold all the power. You're our kryptonite. You know why men are intimidated by women? If we give you more power, we're done. We're signing our death warrant. If we're like, alright. Also totally equal at the workplace. Oh, Christ. The balance of power would shift ridiculously if it became an all women. There's a reason men fight women leading things. A, we know you can't all get along. There's gonna be drama. B, now you got physical and financial power over us. We're done. It's self preservation to be a little bit like, don't give them everything. They don't even want to acknowledge that. The sexual thing, you know, Again, you start looking at women's TV shows and think, why can't I find a good man? How come my sex life is all dried up if that's on you? You have that power every single second of every day. Go anywhere and ask someone to have sex with you. It's going to happen.

[Dick Toledo]

I don't watch those fake shows, right?

[John Holmberg]

If I go and start asking people for sex, I'm going to jail. You have the power. International Women's Day. Now use it. And not on me or Brett or Brady. It's a waste of time. Go find yourself. Go find a Thunderbird. Those dudes are up for it.

[Dick Toledo]

The Mecham car auction's going on this weekend.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, is it this weekend?

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah, I think so.

[John Holmberg]

Let's wander around there and look for a dude with a tan line on his. His third finger on his left hand. He's done. Yeah, we just recently got divorced. That's terrible. Yeah, I'm just looking for fun. Me too. And then turn that beam on and start, you know, kryptoniting this dude right into your web.

[Dick Toledo]

15 minutes. You just look at the room and see who's bidding on stuff.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, that's it the guy who raises his paddle and everybody goes, oh, look at his left finger. It'll have a tan line. He's done. That's why he's getting a bicarbonate at exorbitant rates. He doesn't have somebody at home going.

[Dick Toledo]

Why'D you do that?

[John Holmberg]

He's single, and he wants that Corvette. Damn it. Look at Trip. Trip's an older fella who's single. Why? The why is why are there not women lined up outside the door? And he's out there buying Porsches and cars and boats and a house. That cat needs a lady immediately. Not just to keep around. Somebody to manipulate him to the grave and take it. That's the goal. Ladies. I'm thinking about it. I push Megan over there all the time. Why are you dropping me off at Tripp's house? I don't know. It just seems like that you should be here. It's not love.

[Dick Toledo]

I know, but.

[John Holmberg]

How much longer does he have now? Come back when you're done.

[Dick Toledo]

Sorry you have to live at a house on the water and then back here in Arizona.

[John Holmberg]

Sorry that your three houses across the. The entire nation aren't enough. But I don't want to be around. You don't. You don't seem like you really want to be here either. Go do that. Collect, and then we'll then come back. This is easy. Sorry about the yacht on the Atlantic Ocean. No big deal. I do it for you. Selfish.

[Dick Toledo]

I've got to go work out at Bel Air.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, while Tripp golfs at Bel Air Country Club. I have to use. Use their gym. Stupid. Cheryl Hines from Curb youb Enthusiasm was on my treadmill today. Oh, yeah. Brett and I went to a spring training game. We sat 20 rows back. Not bad. Your day was better. Equality. You have all the cards, all the power. Stop it. Go get yourself a billionaire and stop wasting times. Likes us. I know it's ruining it for all of us, but we all think it. So let's just be honest about it. Truth. Every guy looks at his wife and goes, her life could have been a lot better than whatever's going on here. No guy looks at it. I. I did that little impromptu study downstairs and asked sales ladies, if you could plan your deathbed speech to your husband, what would you say? And I mean, it was like they already had it ready. I would tell him I love him, and this has been a marvelous time to spend their time. They took it real serious. I asked three guys you could plan your deathbed speech to your wife. What do you say every one of them started with, I'm sorry. It was all, I'm like, well, I don't even need to go. Then I waited and I asked my friend Mark at the Suns game, same thing. He goes, I don't know. I would apologize. And I'm like, of course. That we feel like we've done it all wrong. They had better options. We live with that guilt every day. I would tell him that having children with him and spending my time with him was the best gift I could have been given him. As we went on this earth at the same time, just by fate and chance, I enjoyed every second. Wow, that's beautiful. Joe, what do you think Andy would say? First off, let me just start with I'm sorry. I know you could have done better than this. Hopefully you're okay. I enjoyed myself for the most part of our 30 years together. 12 or 13 were great. That's how a dude speech would go. We wouldn't do anything flowery. We'd be apologizing on our deathbed. Brady would just play, celebrate me home.

[Dick Toledo]

You're welcome.

[John Holmberg]

You're so lucky. You're welcome for having spent this time with me.

[Dick Toledo]

I'm sorry for such a great life.

[John Holmberg]

Sorry that you don't get this anymore. It's out of control. Now you're listening to the HMS podcast brought to you by Mo Money Pawn, Arizona's largest pawn shop for over 35 years. All they show with none of the fluff. Let's get started. There's more of the best of homebrew Morning sickness. This segment brought to You Guys by Mo Money Pond, 12th street and Indian School. Now, whatever you're looking for, it doesn't matter if it's electronics, jewelry, tools, pretty much, you name it, they got it there. All right, check them out online@momoney pawn.com.

[Dick Toledo]

Or like I said, just go to.

[John Holmberg]

The store and check them out. 12th street in Indian School, it's Mo Money Pond. Anyway, I got this email from a guy. This is amazing. We were talking about. He said, john, I heard you talking about the dinnertime burglaries. And lo and behold, my dad had it happen to him in Scottsdale. He was at home, he was in his backyard, heard a boom, walked towards his house. A couple of guys standing in his house, just ransacking the place. Busted a window on the side. That was the boom. My dad started yelling, he said, but there was no communication. No English was being spoken in this house. They took a bunch of his watches and a couple of pieces of Wall art. The art isn't worth anything. But the watches were rollies. He was told by authorities it's South American gang robbers. They're moving from neighborhood to neighborhood. So I guess we have to strap up even when we're home now. My dad's okay, by the way. Kevin.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

South American gang robber.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah. And there's at least. I forgot the number of them.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, it's at least 38 astronomical. Burglars. I didn't know that. But they. Evidently they're going to move from neighborhood to neighborhood. So you got to.

[Dick Toledo]

So they recommend keeping a television on or lights.

[John Holmberg]

TVs lights and dogs. Get a dog. They don't like noise. Burglars hate noises. But evidently this guy was sitting at home around dinner time and decided to go have his dinner outside. You know, outdoor living. It's awesome. And he hears that boom. And he goes back in his house. There's a couple of dudes in there just taking what they wanted. And they were like. I think they said there's been like 38 in the. In the North Scottsdales. Like 38 different pop ins. How about that? I don't know if you want to.

[Dick Toledo]

I'm preempting. I put some old stereo equipment and some other values out front for them just to pick up.

[John Holmberg]

Kind of like a bulk pickup. Bulk South American gang pickup. And you got to figure out how to write it in a South American. A little sign that says El Frio.

[Dick Toledo]

That's what my sign says.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Well, it's smart. That's a smart move, Brady, because. Yeah, they're gonna bounce around now. Evidently. So pretty soon we're gonna start shooting South. Mary. This is why I haven't answered my door in years. And you know what this means? Those weird 70s and 80s bars on Windows are going to start coming back. That's how they're getting in. Evidently they're just kicking in windows. They don't even try at the door. A lot of times. Busting a window. Why would you doing it from a backyard. That's creepy. Now you're have to shoot somebody in your house. People walking around with them. Now you have more people shooting each other in their house because they're walking around with loaded guns on their hips just in case.

[Dick Toledo]

Now the kid that got in trouble in our neighborhood. Not funny. I wouldn't do this one again. He thought it was funny to walk around with being a buddy with a ski mask on. And all these In Gilbert cameras. Yeah. And Gilbert picked it up.

[John Holmberg]

They're not doing that Anymore, idiots. It was probably embroidered Gilbert Goon on top of it, you know, with his name talon on the back. But it's tough because all the Louis Vuitton logos you are. If you're gonna be a Gilbert Goon, you're gonna make it so all the other moms are jealous. You gotta keep up with the Jones goons. No goon of mine's walking around there with a generic East Mark ski cap. That is a Vuitton or it's nothing. Oh no, he said Eastmark, by the way. And this is another thing we got to worry about more things. Everything is worse.

[Dick Toledo]

TV on.

[John Holmberg]

TV's always on. Blaring. Like the way you used to walk into your grandparents house. God damn it.

[Dick Toledo]

Right in the middle of Tic Tac Doe Wake Martindale.

[John Holmberg]

Quiet down. Archie's on. That's what that was my grandpa quiet down. I could hear that when I drove up. Who was quiet down?

[Dick Toledo]

Not gun smoke, the rifle.

[John Holmberg]

Oh my. It was a Virginian Grandma. I would come home from work with my grandma. Grandma stayed at my house for a few days. Have gone to travel. There's a name of the man I'm pulling in. I'm like, what the hell's going on? It's like a. There's like a foghorn of old 40s start saluting when you got out of the jeep and everything. Or I came in the house and I swear to God you've never heard my sound system louder. My grandma is doing a crossword puzzle watching the Virginian. And you would turn my mic off because I'd come in almost every time at noon 12:01, just watching the Western channel. The second I opened the door, you'd hear here, the Virginian. What are you doing? My stories, like, your stories are too goddamn loud.

[Dick Toledo]

I knew the round of golf was over in spring break down in Naples, Florida, when tic Tac dough was blaring. And oh, and there's pap led asleep in the lounge.

[John Holmberg]

And all you're hearing joker, joker. But the house just screaming at that. They're just asleep. So that's what you need to keep away the South American dinner time gangsters TV and a sound system so loud like when Tony Soprano played Dean Martin outside in the studios to blow those people out though, just as loud as you can make it.

[Dick Toledo]

Get those match games playing on the.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, I love the Match Game Show Network. They might sit down and go like. And start answering. Then you catch them. Yeah, gotcha. See, Nipsey Russell makes me laugh. Makes me laugh too. Are you gonna steal my stuff? And here's the other thing. South American gang people. I got nothing of value. I've gone into people's houses recently where I'm looking around and they've got like artwork that's worth more than everything I own. And their house is kind of normal, but I'm like, what's this? Oh, that's an actual Picasso. It is? Yes. What's that that doing here? And I would never want that in my house. My stuff's nice. Nothing worth robbing. You're gonna be very disappointed.

[Dick Toledo]

To a Z gallery?

[John Holmberg]

No, they took those when I was in show. Somebody did steal them. I have a painting I'm pretty proud of of Jackie Gleason and Burt Reynolds.

[Dick Toledo]

There's some autograph stuff.

[John Holmberg]

Not anymore.

[Dick Toledo]

Oh yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Got auctioned. Well, my Steeler stuff's still there. My Cubs, my Ernie, Ben Banks and my Anthony Rizzo. And all that was auctioned off. I do have some Steeler stuff, but again, the most you're pulling out of my place for any valuable stuff. And I know this is a lot to a robber, maybe a thousand bucks. I got a couple things in there that I think are worth a lot more, but just stolen. Hot. Maybe a thousand dollars. And that's a pretty good pull. But you want Rolexes? You had it. You're coming to the wrong place. I got nothing.

[Dick Toledo]

Gold bars.

[John Holmberg]

It makes me upset when I watch somebody talk about what was stolen from their home. Oh my gosh. It's almost like why father Dale didn't touch me. When I hear about all those kids in school they got. I mean, he never once even tried with. I get a little upset that I never was a target. I don't have any stuff that these guys would want and maybe I should go out and start shopping for. But there's nothing in my house. I need to safe up or hide or. I used to have cash, but I. I've given up on that. I used to keep cash and a safe. I don't have that anymore. That's recent, John.

[Dick Toledo]

It's all gone. A can collection. They got all. Yeah, you're got all of it.

[John Holmberg]

What are they gonna steal at your house? Nothing. You got nothing really good. Hell, Ronnie, pack it in their car for them. Here we go. Here, let me help you out with that, Ronnie.

[Dick Toledo]

That's what I'll.

[Brady Bogan]

Come on.

[Dick Toledo]

We stand in the smash and crab.

[John Holmberg]

Ronnie might just bust a window down with a ski mascot. I know it's you. Quiet downo. Then she just goes and trashes your Cans. The South American gangsters. They were wearing what you have on right now, minus a ski mask.

[Dick Toledo]

They're the same.

[John Holmberg]

They made me change into their clothes. Look, I'm in these tattered South American rags. You did that?

[Dick Toledo]

Where are my cans?

[John Holmberg]

I don't know. South America, I'm guessing you got nothing, so, you know, you're gonna be disappointed. That's just. Robbing me is sort of like having sex with me in the end. It's just that wasn't that great? You're going to walk away disappointed? I would actually, like, start helping. I'm like, oh, you don't want that. That's. That's nothing. Here, come here. I got a Jack Lambert, Jack Hammond, Andy Russell autograph. You guys can get a pretty penny for this online. We're not going to sell it online. What do you have that's good? I know. The pool table's nice. That's going to be a hell of a haul. I'm not helping you with that. That's too heavy.

[Brady Bogan]

I got a bad back.

[Dick Toledo]

We make those.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, I made that. I made. I probably built this for you.

[Brady Bogan]

Look.

[John Holmberg]

South American robber. I don't have much. I don't buy a lot of super expensive things for my house. I actually. What is this over here? The painting? Is this worth anything? This is a painting of the four youths from Boyz n the Hood. Remember when Doughboy and Chris and then were in the beginning? I have a painting of them as kids. What is that worth? I don't know. 80 bucks. You want it? You have anything of value? Have you done anything in your life? I got valuable stuff.

[Dick Toledo]

But you're gonna be so mad. You're gonna come home and all the artificial grass is taken.

[John Holmberg]

Unbelievable. There's where I get screwed. God damn it. My landscaping's been stolen. I put some money into that. You're right. That's my stack. Maybe that giant thousand pavers fire pit I've got is guessed take like. Hey, homeowner. Yes, can I help you?

[Brady Bogan]

Grab a side.

[John Holmberg]

This thing's heavy. What are you gonna do with that? I don't know. It's cool, though. It is pretty neat. Get installed at my job tomorrow.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah, a year later, for some reason, you're going through Avondale or somewhere like that. Going to spring training or something. You see a front yard set up?

[John Holmberg]

Hey, hey, hold on a take. That's my Indian walk. Leland says you utter buffoons. You have art worth more than any painting I've ever seen. You have Barry Wood. Yeah, but that's at the apartment downtown. That's not at my house.

[Dick Toledo]

And we have Warren Wood here.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, we have Warren Jeff's here. I still haven't brought that down to the apartment. I gotta do that. I might do that tonight.

[Brady Bogan]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

I've got some vulgar paintings of Barry Wood and Donald Trump. Those are down at them. You know, they. They are. Those have not been assessed. I can't put it back.

[Dick Toledo]

What if the South American cartel has the Brady Wood?

[John Holmberg]

See, that would be hilarious. I'd actually almost encourage them to steal that. And then I have J. Todd Himes do another one for 500 bucks and it'd be fine. I don't have anything because when this guy emails and I feel bad for his dad getting robbed, that's scary. It's horrible. Lose your sense of security and your safety and all that. But honestly, I wouldn't have much that I. I'm not fighting for it if people bust into my. Like, what do you guys want? I'll help you. Like, it's just stuff. Grab that in player. Let's go.

[Dick Toledo]

This TV is really put on.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. The guys at Saner Sound did a great job installing. We're gonna have to undo the wires. You know what? I'm gonna tell you this right now. This is the hardest house to rob of all time. You let us in, and now we can't get anything off these walls. That's professionals. Install my stuff. You can break it if you want, but then it's worthless. I got pictures of my dogs. I don't have anything valuable. I still don't want them to break in. I'm not encouraging it, but I am. I was just gonna say you sound like that, but I am kind of like, well, they never would want me. So I'm a little bit Father Dale syndrome again. Father Dale. I'm a little PTSD over here. I do. Why was Carl Mall winning so much prettier than me in high school?

[Dick Toledo]

Then you start thinking, maybe I should buy some real art.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. And then I'm starting to think maybe I should value up this. Class it up a little bit. I have a painting of John Bowser Bauman from Shana Said no one ever until right now. Hilarious. If I were to rob my house, I would go next door store. There's nothing in here. My stuff's nice, but it's not like.

[Dick Toledo]

Like, if you stole collectible.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, if you stole it, you'd be like, and if you stole it, I would replace it in no time. It's. I'd still want to shoot Somebody that came into my house and did this. But I said, dude, Mexicans aren't going to steal your landscaping. They got access to that. That's true, but they're South American. I don't know if that's the same thing. Like Peru.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah, tell them about that. About his rims disappearing?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, exactly. It took my wheels. But that's because they own a yantara shop. That's just good merch. I don't know. I suppose you steal my car. Even still, I got insurance. I need to do something with my life. Make me a better target. I'm not a target right now. The dinner time burglaries. I would. I would actually apologize. I'm sorry, guys. This just didn't work out for you. Sorry. I'll get better stuff next time. Hey, we'll come back when we do have something of value in here. I'm sorry. You're right. You guys want some turf? That stuff cost me a fortune. Believe how much turf cost per square foot is ridiculous. I know. I can get you a deal on that player. They got up to, like, $14. And that's not even installed. It's out of control, man. Anyway, I'm gonna take your Bowser Bauman thing here. I don't know who that is. Is. But what's Shananna. Trust me, somebody will buy that for me. Probably John Bowser Bauman.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

I got nothing. But what are you gonna do? It's out of control now. 98 KUPD. The best of the morning sickness is on the air. 98 KUPD. Do any of you people do any activity? Actual work? The rest of Hol's morning sickness. Look who's upon us right now. It's our buddy, our pal, the machine. Great. Bert Kreischer's on the phone. Are you there, sir?

[Bert Kreischer]

It is good to talk to you guys.

[Brady Bogan]

It is.

[John Holmberg]

You're right.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know, I'm. I'm coming into. I'm coming in town, like, two weeks.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, then what are we talking to now for? We'll see you in a couple weeks.

[Bert Kreischer]

I got a book.

[John Holmberg]

I know what's going on here now. First off, you're calling me to talk about your book, and I don't read because I would much rather have you tell me these stories, because I can't. I don't read good. I'm not a good reader. What do you tell people like me about your book? How do I get through your book? Because I'm terrible at reading.

[Bert Kreischer]

Get the audiobook and listen to me be horrible at reading.

[John Holmberg]

Isn't that. Are you a reader? You don't strike me as a guy who sits down and curls up with a book.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, I am someone who sits up, sits, curls up, and listens to a book.

[John Holmberg]

You listen to them?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah. And so that's why I was like, I definitely got to do an audiobook, because I would. I'd buy the audiobook. And so we went to do the audiobook, and then I. They had me read the entire book from front to the end, and I was like, I can't do this. Literally within the first 20 minutes of doing it. The guy who was doing my audiobook was like, do you need glasses? I was like, no. He's like, I think. He goes, I think you might be dyslexic. Seriously?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Did you get.

[Bert Kreischer]

I was like, oh, I think I am, too.

[John Holmberg]

That would be perfect. Now, here's the thing, though. If you're reading it and, like, because I'm a good reader, I just don't like it. So I start to drift. Drift off.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, that's what I do.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I read. I read. Tried to read my Memoirs of a Geisha. And the first sentence is, I was born on the windy cliffs of Okinawa, and this voice in my head is like, I wonder if she knows Mr. Miyagi.

[John Holmberg]

That's what I do. And I start. And then I have to start backtracking because I'm like, did I imagine some of this. Like, is some of this story stuff I made up as I was going along, or is it in the book? Then I just start over, and I'm like, I'll wait for the movie. Are you going to get a movie out of this book of yours?

[Bert Kreischer]

That would be nice. Right now, I'd just like to sell more than 5,000 books.

[John Holmberg]

How many books do you need to sell?

[Dick Toledo]

That's the goal.

[John Holmberg]

How many do you need to sell, Bert, before this thing is a financial boon for you?

[Bert Kreischer]

I've already made. I'm never going to make money on this book.

[John Holmberg]

What's the point?

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, honestly, that's a really great question. I don't know. The point, per se. Here's what I know, is that when you write a book, you get put into a different level of type of comic you are, and meeting you can take, and people look differently, and you have. All the intellectual property is then stated down that it's yours. And obviously, I've had issues with people taking intellectual property with me in the past. So it's stated now, the point of your first book is, like, they Give you, like, real numbers. They're like, if you can pre order 800 copies, we'll be shocked. And so we did pre order, like, around 2,500. And so they were blown away. So then you get the right to write a second book, and that's where you make your money. Like, when you get your second book deal, that's where you make real money.

[John Holmberg]

Now, Burt, were you the guy who farted on Jessica Simpson in a plane? No.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know who that is? Josh Sneed.

[John Holmberg]

Okay, Josh Snead. All right. Because I heard somebody do that joke and I thought. I thought that was Burt's. Because you've got so many stories, and that. That struck me as something you might do.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. By the way, totally farted on Nick Lachey once.

[John Holmberg]

So it's in the family. You guys have. You guys have got the whole group down. That's pretty awesome.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, I met 98 degrees doing Rachel Ray. And, you know, they got that sloppy guy, the kind of like, everyone's good looking. And then they got the one guy who clearly must be able to sing.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, that's Rachel Ray.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, no, no. In 98 degrees, there's the guy with the goatee that I used to say. I looked and I. I said to them, not realizing he'd be there. I was like, I always thought I looked like the ugly guy from 98 Degrees.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, ouch.

[Bert Kreischer]

There you go. And he's there like, wait, who's the ugly one? And I was like, it's you.

[Brady Bogan]

You're the ugly one.

[John Holmberg]

Clearly.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. It's not Nick. It might be his brother, but. But you're clearly. The guy must be able to sing if he's in the band. Everyone else is figureheads. And he's gotta have some lungs on him, I'm sure.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

To be in that band.

[John Holmberg]

What did you make? Because when you said the ugly guy, I just pictured Rachel Ray. What did you make on her show?

[Bert Kreischer]

I made a couple. I married a couple. I took. I've been on a show a bunch. I've done. I did. I found a couple down at city hall and I brought them back to the show and married them on the air. I jumped out of a plane with her. I got in a hamster ball with her. I rappelled down a cliff with her. We rode horses. We're supposed to go shark diving, but I can't get her to commit to a date.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, you and Rachel are besties. Wow.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

[John Holmberg]

What does that mean?

[Bert Kreischer]

I got hammered with her one time In Mexico, we had bodyguards. And she was like. She was like, hey, let's take our bodyguards down to the beach and make them fight. I was like, can we do that? She's like, well, we're never gonna know if it'll dry.

[John Holmberg]

She sounds fun.

[Bert Kreischer]

She's a blast.

[John Holmberg]

Really? All right, because I can't. I can't watch cooking shows. So she drives. Like, if you were on there, I might.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, my God. How about. Have you ever watched who's the. Who's the. Giada.

[Dick Toledo]

Giada De Laurentiis.

[Bert Kreischer]

I ran into Giada at an airport, and I was hammered. And we're both flying to New York, and our flight's getting delayed, and we're in, like, the first class lounge, and I'm uncomfortable because I'm there, and I want to say to her. And I see her, and she's beautiful, And I want to say to her, I'm trying to say, listen, we're both work for networks that are owned by scripts, but that's not what's coming out. What comes out is we own each other. And she's like, what? And I go, the conqueror? I'm the conqueror. Look at me. And she's, like, freaking out. I was like, come on. Come on. Where you going? And then I don't see her again. She gets put on a different flight. I run into her at up front, like, two years ago, and, like, all these dudes are, like, all swooning over her, and everyone wants to meet her. And someone says to me, have you met Giada? And I said, I met her one time. I don't think she. Hopefully, she doesn't remember. And so I go up and they introduce us, like, Giada, do you know Bert? And she looks at me with terror in her eyes. She goes, the conqueror, huh?

[John Holmberg]

Hey, you know what's awesome? During that story, Bert, you turned into Snow White. There were, like, birds singing.

[Dick Toledo]

Yes. Did you step outside?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Brady Bogan]

Did you hear that?

[Dick Toledo]

Oh, yes. Beautiful.

[John Holmberg]

Who's the most glorious story about being drunk I've ever heard? They're like little chirping birds. And I picture you feeding a fawn.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. That's our backyard. My daughters are obsessed with bird feeders, so we have birds all over our backyard.

[John Holmberg]

So Bert Kreisler's Life of the Party Stories of a Perpetual Man Child includes a story you told here on our show once, which is legendary now, of Russia, the time in Russia.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, that's the story that sold the book.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, that's. That's glorious. But I want to know, like, the one that I like the most is where you went over to, like, college towns and said you were doing a tv. Now you got cameras that follow you around, right? So people think you're doing TV shows, and you go. You go to Pennsylvania and you're like, hey, by the way, we're doing a show about how awesome a party town this is, and they threw a massive party for you.

[Bert Kreischer]

We, Me and my buddy Eddie go, this is, like, back before anything was this, like, right out of college. But I had been written up in Rolling Stone, and Eddie convinced these people that we were writing a book about partying and that we hadn't seen any parties and that we had nothing to write about. So these girls threw the biggest party I've ever been to in my entire life. And literally, I mean, it's like out of a Guy Ritchie movie. We're lighting things on fire. We've got a bar to ourselves. There's thousands of people partying with us. They clear the bar out, all the girls are with us, and it's like, just me and the hottest blonde. It's three in the morning, I am hammered, and I am trying desperately to get in her pants. And she literally stops me and goes, hey, buddy, I'm just doing enough to get in the book. I'm like. I'm like, what book? She goes, the book you're writing. I go, I'm not writing a book. She was like, wait, the only reason we're here is they said you were writing a book. I was like, oh, no, no, no, no. The book. The book. So some 15 years later, I don't know her name. I don't know where she lives. I don't know if she's married or not. But I am a man of my word. Honey, you made it in the book.

[John Holmberg]

She's in the book. You did it.

[Bert Kreischer]

She's in the book.

[John Holmberg]

What did she do?

[Bert Kreischer]

Nothing. She didn't do anything. I'm married now.

[John Holmberg]

I'm sorry. I broke the I code.

[Bert Kreischer]

My wife helped me write the book.

[John Holmberg]

That's right.

[Bert Kreischer]

As I'd write a chapter, I'd send it to my wife, and my wife would come back with notes. And in that chapter, she didn't have any notes. She was like, it's good as it is.

[John Holmberg]

There's three pages of you fingering some girl in Pennsylvania that didn't make the book. Edit that out. Was it in pen? It says it was in Pennsylvania.

[Bert Kreischer]

So what's that?

[John Holmberg]

It was Penn State, right? It was like, you had to be In State College.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[John Holmberg]

So you probably did get fingered. And, you know, you blocked it out because everybody. Every guy got Jerry Sandusky. Sandusky lived there.

[Bert Kreischer]

I wrote. I wrote about. I wrote about. I thought. I thought I might have been molested at basketball camp one time, but I wrote about that, and they didn't want that in the book.

[John Holmberg]

Well, tell us that. That's a little extra. That's like the deleted scene. Yeah, he might have blacked it out. Now, what. What made you think you might have been molested?

[Bert Kreischer]

I got a concussion. Like, my first day was a Villanova basketball camp, and I got a concussion. And they sent me to the rectory, and they had me. They had to keep me up, wake me up every hour on the hour, right? And I don't remember it perfectly because I did have a concussion, but I could have sworn someone play with my testicles. I woke up like, I'm up. You got me up. I don't know what kind of method you're using to wake me up every hour, but I'm up. Here's what I find defining about that moment is I. Then the next day, the two best basketball players got busted for drinking. And so that next day, I had to sit out, but I had to sit out next to them on the bleachers. So we're sitting on the bleachers, and Ralph Sampson comes to give a speech. He was like the star of the NBA at the time, right? And he comes in, all 5,000 kids, get a seat on the floor, on the gym floor. And he says to you goes two things. I'm here to talk about basketball, and I'm here to talk about discipline. Let's start with discipline. Who in here parties? Now, I was under the impression we were all going to put our hands up, but that's not what happened. And it's just me. I threw my hand up, and he's like, oh, we got a party animal. I'm in eighth grade, okay? I've never partied in my life. So when he said to me, how do you party? I didn't know how to answer it, so all I said was hardy. And 5,000 kids are now slapping the gym floor, laughing hysterically. And he's like, how do you party, Hardy? And I didn't know the answer to that, so I just said, with two hands. And I wrote that. I wrote about it. It's a much longer story, but I wrote about in the book, and they didn't want it. They're like, nah, kind of creeped me out with the molestation thing.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, we like the Samson stuff. How Ralph Sampson parties is tickling kids balls when they're out cold. Maybe he was the one.

[Bert Kreischer]

No. Ralph Sampson. I would remember that hand in my pants.

[John Holmberg]

You think you would?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

It looks so small that day. Yeah. There's tons of stories in here. All of them are great. You dated a girl with cerebral palsy, but you were. You drink so much, you weren't sure who had the disease.

[Bert Kreischer]

I didn't know. I didn't recognize it. Look, it's very easy to not recognize when you're drinking as much as I was drinking.

[John Holmberg]

Someone had cerebral palsy.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's what everyone's shocked when they find out that I was. I literally was partying. And we're in Soho, so it's cobblestone streets, and you can't. Everyone's stumbling, and you're sitting down the majority of the time at. Anyway.

[John Holmberg]

The cobblestone is. Yeah. Who knows? You drop your game, you may have cp you might just be drunk. The streets are the problem, Right?

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then when I found out, I was like, well, what kind of guy am I? Am I the guy that. That matters, or do I just, you know, and I dump her, or do I keep dating her? And I kept dating her. She was hot. She was really hot. She looked like Sarah Michelle Geller, but she walked, like, not like Sarah Michelle Gellar.

[John Holmberg]

And that was. So did you notice, like, when you got off the cobblestone street, she kept, like, they were cobblestones.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, my buddy Wecho was like, hey, you should go out with your chick in the daytime. I was like, what? He was like, you gotta. You should probably get to see her in the light. And I was like, why? I thought he was saying that she was a dude. And he's like, nah, you just. You take a look at her in the light. Like, I think maybe you'd be sober around her once. So we went to breakfast, and the first thing I noticed is that she was wearing lights, sundresses with sneakers, but, like, stability sneakers. And I was like, that's weird. And then we went to lunch, and she only ate with her left hand. And I was like, oh. And then I was like, I think I'm gonna get a cocktail, see if this goes away. But it didn't. And then I was like. I was sitting across from her, literally. We were at breakfast, and I was sitting across from her, thinking, all right, I dig this chick, but she obviously has cerebral palsy. I didn't know she had Cerebral palsy. I didn't know what was wrong with her at all. I had to ask her. And she was like, I thought you knew. I was like, no, I've been drinking a lot. And then. But the best part of the story is I start dating her, and then we broke up. Just because we broke up, she was crazy without. She was just regular crazy.

[John Holmberg]

Right? So she was crazy on top of having the palsy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, she was crazy and had cerebral palsy.

[John Holmberg]

Right?

[Brady Bogan]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

So she. The best part is I told Patrice O'Neill. Patrice O'Neill met her because she came to Scotland with us. And Patrice and her hated each other, but he loved the fact that he kept going, you're such an alcoholic. You can't tell when someone's physically disabled. And then I'm on the X show on fx, and I get Slash. I'm interviewing Slash, and Slash comes in, and his wife had kicked him out and he was sleeping on the couch. So we end up drinking in my green room. And she was a huge Guns N Roses fan, so I told her to come and then she could meet Slash. And sure enough, we're in my green room, me, her, and Slash, and we're drinking, and she gets up. She's like, I gotta go to the bathroom. And I tell her where it is, and she gets up. And when she gets up, it is visible in my head. I'm like, how did I not see this? Like, it is. She reaches across her body to grab the door and it's like, clear. And she leaves. And Slash stops, looks at me dead in the face. He goes, oh, my God. And I was like, I know. And he's like, she's perfect. And all I could hear was Patrice O'Neill laughing hysterically in my ear, in my head, just going, you're as big as an alcoholic.

[John Holmberg]

And Slash, Slash. And you are the same.

[Bert Kreischer]

Slash. And I have the exact same view on life.

[John Holmberg]

So awesome. I like that you tried to cure it by you drinking more.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I thought the boat would ride itself, but.

[John Holmberg]

Right. She gets better the more you drink, which I love. It's out of control now. 98K Yee O PD cease and desist at once. The rest of home Bird's morning sickness. This is the big Red radio. It's time now for the entertainment drill. It's brought to you by our [e-mail], the home of tactical black self defense training. The deal is ridiculous. You can't get a better one than that right now. Going out there later today, trying to get in better shape. And I'm doing it up there at React Defense. And it shows. And when it shows, you beam a little bit. It feels good that the work you're doing is paying off. And guys up there are working, that's for sure. And so reactdefense.com not only will get you in good shape, boost your confidence just visibly, because it does feel good when people notice that you're working hard. Not to mention FBI stat that everybody hates. Your workplace is the place you will most likely run into a physical encounter or a violent event. You're there every day. It makes sense. Unless you work from home. And Elon wants you to email back in if that's the case. Either way, you learn a lot, you get in great shape, and the price is unbelievable. Two months for 199 bucks. How about that? Personal training does not cost that little. This is an unbelievable price you must take advantage of because the value is huge. 199 bucks for two months. Do it now. Reactdefense.com it's the home of Tactical Black Brady Entertainment.

[Dick Toledo]

Oprah Winfrey is leaving the Weight Watchers board of directors after being a member since 2015. Reason being is she's using Ozempic, the weight loss drug. Either Ozempic or Wegovy.

[John Holmberg]

There's a couple of them. She's not using Weight Watchers.

[Dick Toledo]

She. She will donate her stock to the National Museum of African American History and Culture. It's valued at 18 million, but since her announcement, it's kind of dropped a little.

[John Holmberg]

Wait, her stock stock for Weight Watchers? She's given all of her Weight Watcher stock to somebody else because she's on Ozempic?

[Dick Toledo]

Yep.

[John Holmberg]

You can't do both. Instead.

[Dick Toledo]

She isn't. She said she still will be a proponent of Weight Watchers, but she thought since I'm gonna, you know, it's a kind of a clash in a way.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, yeah, you can't do both. Good on her, though. She's not pouring herself out like that.

[Dick Toledo]

She's an advocate for both.

[John Holmberg]

If you're gonna endorse one, you gotta use it. You can't go for both. The. I got an email from a lady yesterday. We were talking about Shohei Ohtani getting married after he signed the deal. And I said, he signs a deal, but no guff. The lady's not. And this lady emailed me and said, just because a man makes a lot more money than you doesn't mean you don't have a say in the relationship. And I just simply Thought of Oprah and said, do you think Stedman gives her any guff at all? She's allowed to do everything. She's with Gayle all the time.

[Dick Toledo]

Stedman, think about that.

[John Holmberg]

No, no, Steadman. Because men are cool. Like, we don't sit back and go, well, you make all that money, but I still have a right to tell you what I don't like. Stedman's just like, whatever you want. Steadman's guy's on island, let alone the house. He don't care. Stedman's the dream. He's the goal. And he's not handing tons of poon.

[Dick Toledo]

Coming out to his place.

[John Holmberg]

Probably. Women are like, am I better than Oprah? I don't know. I haven't been with Oprah. She's Gail arrangement. Yeah, but what an arrangement. And he's one rule. Don't give me any guff. And I bet you he's never even raised his voice to her.

[Brady Bogan]

I wouldn't.

[John Holmberg]

I wouldn't either. I was Oprah's man. That should be a song. You get a little pissed, she just buys your Ferrari. All right, I'm over it. Oprah, can I have another Ferrari? You're pissing me off. I'm not gonna give you any guff. Just hand over the keys.

[Dick Toledo]

Plate says. The license plate says no.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. And everybody goes. There goes Steadman.

[Dick Toledo]

Two, no Guff.

[John Holmberg]

Three, There goes Stedman.

[Bert Kreischer]

Got.

[John Holmberg]

God damn it, ladies. You could learn a lot from Stedman, dude pulling in that kind of Oprah money. You just be nice to him every day. No guff. Don't tell him. You want him to take the garbage out, you do it.

[Dick Toledo]

The Rock joined the board of the tko, the company that owns the wwe. They gave him rights to his nickname, the Rock.

[John Holmberg]

Wait, he owns the. Say it again.

[Dick Toledo]

He's on the board.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, I thought you said he owns the wwe.

[Dick Toledo]

No, he joined the board. Which. Basically getting a piece of the company. It turns out he got a lot more than that. They also gave him the IP and trademark rights to a whole bunch of his classic nicknames. If you smell what the Rock is cooking is one Rudy Poo Candy Ass. The Brahma Bull. The people's champion, Jabroni. Jabroni.

[John Holmberg]

Nice. The Rocks got them all.

[Dick Toledo]

People's elbow. Rock bottom.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

And he even says he jokes around, but he's got the trademark on it. The chic is the one who would throw it around.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

Backstage to, you know, the wrestlers. He gives him credit to Brownie. Yeah, yeah. He's dead. Now. So he.

[John Holmberg]

There's a strangeness to liking the Rock because he still hangs on to the wrestling thing. Like, he got out of it and became this superstar. People want him to be president, and he still goes back to wrestling as, like. It's weird. It's almost like. Almost? Yeah, like, stand up comics that make it huge always end up going back to stand up a little bit. Like, it's the. It's their thing. And he does that with wrestling. It's like a. Like.

[Dick Toledo]

And that was what, a couple of years ago? Brett's already done some research on this, but the Sopranos, the booth in the last scene at the restaurant, Holstein's, Tony's death booth, Bloomfield, New Jersey, they're auctioning it off. And right now there's a hundred and. Well, there's probably more now. 175 bids.

[John Holmberg]

But the 183.

[Dick Toledo]

183. Is it still?

[John Holmberg]

I'm watching it. 65 1.

[Dick Toledo]

Okay.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, 653 just went up again, man. 184 bids. Now that is remarkable. How cool that would be to own. I just. Where would you put it? You build onto your house. Yeah. You don't. Come on.

[Dick Toledo]

Or you do it like the Airbnb.

[John Holmberg]

You do an Airbnb and you make a whole Sopranos house. But then you got to go buy a Bada Bing sign.

[Dick Toledo]

Easy.

[John Holmberg]

Brett's moving in. You got to deal with Brett in the backyard all the time. Hey, you. You and Mattia go outside, play a little putt putt. Just walk around inside the house a little bit, man. I would. I would. Those are.

[Dick Toledo]

Those instead of the. You could have the terry cloth robes in there in the Airbnb and then tracksuit.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, man. But that's Paulie's thing. He just wore the robe and the tank top. Oh, my goodness. Can have Noah show up every once in a while. Yeah, have the speech to Noah. So when you filled out your application to Columbia, you didn't put African American, did you? Or what was it, Jewish? Did you? Yes. No, I put down African American. That's such a great. We could do the whole thing so we understand each other. What? And then he says the thing. A word I've never heard in my life.

[Dick Toledo]

I know. This will blow me out f you.

[John Holmberg]

That's what we're trying to avoid here. That's exactly what we tried to avoid.

[Dick Toledo]

Him.

[John Holmberg]

What a scene. See, I got. Guys, I don't want to do it. I'll play it between commercials. No, we can't do it because we'll just be thinking about it. And their daughters don't want to be with my son.

[Dick Toledo]

Vans tennis shoes might not be the brand it is today. If Sean Penn had worn the checkered slip ons when he played Jeff Spicoli. 1982 classic Fast Times, Ridgemont High. Forty years later, the owner of Vans has finally had a chance to thank him. Steve Van Doren, the son of the company's co founder, was in Hawaii about a year ago when he was tipped off that Sean was in a nearby restaurant. So went in, introduced himself, told him, you made my life better because of what you did for the brand.

[John Holmberg]

True.

[Dick Toledo]

And gave the owner of the restaurant his credit card and paid for Sean's dinner.

[John Holmberg]

I lived in San Diego when that movie came out. And I was in fourth grade. And within a week of that movie coming out, all of us were dressed like Spicoli. All of us. Those weird. I don't know what. The Mexican shirt. They're not jalopies. Was that what it's called? I don't know what it was called. Perfect accent. I'm sure you nailed it.

[Dick Toledo]

Maybe it's a jalava.

[John Holmberg]

I don't know what you're saying, but that sounds like tea. I think that's a T Tahava. Anyway, it was the shirt. You know what I'm talking about. The shirt. The Spicoli shirt is what I call it. I went out and got Vans and a Spicoli shirt the next day. I hadn't even seen the movie, but every kid in school was dressed exactly like Spicoli. So Vans, definitely, at least in my neighborhood, could have stayed afloat all by itself in Poway, California, for the five months that we just raided all the stores. Then I moved here. And the most popular place in this city, and Brett will remember, was Bear Cover. Yep. And that's all they sold were the checkered Vans. Town and country op. I don't know how that was skateboard stuff, but it was Sex Wax shirts. X wax, Dr. Zoggs or whatever. Yeah, that place was all because of Spicoli. There was no reason for a surf shop to be successful in Phoenix in 1983 outside of Piccolo.

[Dick Toledo]

The Never Ending Story is getting a remake.

[John Holmberg]

That's what Chris Porter said. The third one.

[Dick Toledo]

They're talking about making it a franchise now.

[John Holmberg]

Doing a series. They're gonna make a series? Why do you have to add numbers? If it's the Never Ending Story, don't we expect more? Just the next installment of the Never Ending Story again. Never Ending Story again. You can't do that. It's gonna be like Friday next. Never Ending Story and the Never Ending Story after next and by name after next. But by name. You never have to change the name. It's the Never Ending Story. The second you buy a ticket to it, you know it's open ended forever. You could subtitle it.

[Dick Toledo]

No, it's still the same thing, isn't it?

[John Holmberg]

What do you mean subtitle it would be pointless. Never Ending Story is a story that never ends. You don't need a sequel. It doesn't make sense. That means the first one came to an end. It just stops. But that doesn't mean it's over. Never Ending Stories should just constantly pump out material and it's not very good. I don't know who's clamoring for new ones. It's one of the biggest cases of false advertising in the history of movies.

[Dick Toledo]

Megan Fox talked about getting her boobs done for a third time. And their request this year, this time with the doctor, was makeup stripper boobies from the 90s.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, you meant wow. Oh, she's going full on baseballs.

[Dick Toledo]

And for her, she says, I'm a 32D now and on my tiny frame because I wanted to go bigger. But he said this is.

[John Holmberg]

There's a lady at the Suns game last night that might have been 98 pounds and had the biggest set of clown cans I've ever seen. They were triple G's. Again. Dolly Parton behind a tree. Dolly Parton would have gone, darling, that's two, four. It was unbelievable. We couldn't take our eyes off of him. She was a. She was a circus act. It was a novelty. She was pretty too. Oh man, she had money.

[Dick Toledo]

Megan also admitted that she wasn't a great partner to her ex boyfriend, Brian Austin Green. She said she fall in love with other people at work all the time.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, that, that's a real hindrance to partnership. Great. Hi honey, I'm home and I'm in love. Again, not with you.

[Dick Toledo]

Here's the last songs performed by rockers who died too soon. John Bonham Whole Lot of Love in 1980 was the last song he performed.

[John Holmberg]

Well, the way he was gone, I'm pretty sure he didn't have much left to give. He ran it. He ran the red line pretty hard.

[Dick Toledo]

Ozzy's guitarist, Randy Rhodes, that one would have kept going. Paranoid was the last song he played in 1982.

[John Holmberg]

He was a car wreck, right? No, plane. Plane, that's right. Into their tour bus. See those are the ones that Guy.

[Dick Toledo]

Did five passovers in the plane like flybys. And he was telling him, no, I don't want to do this. I don't want to do this.

[John Holmberg]

I think Ozzy was actually sleeping in the tour bus. See, here's the thing. If you die in a car crash, plane cross crash or whatever, you died too soon. If you drank yourself or drugged yourself into a. Into a box, you pretty much were done.

[Dick Toledo]

You're Cliff Burton.

[John Holmberg]

Too Soon.

[Dick Toledo]

Fight fire with fire 1990s 86. Nirvana, Kurt Cobain, last song, heart shaped box in 1994. Lane Staley, man in the box, 1996.

[John Holmberg]

The last one he sang.

[Dick Toledo]

Yep.

[John Holmberg]

He died years later.

[Dick Toledo]

Scott Whelan, Weiland, sorry, unglued, 2015. Chris Cornell with Slaves and Bulldozers in 2017.

[John Holmberg]

Great song, too. Incredible. Those last two. I'd watch those two for the full price.

[Dick Toledo]

Bennington, Bleed it out, 2017. Tom Petty, American Girl in 2020.

[John Holmberg]

2017, that was the closer to his last. I mean, most of it is their encores. Like the big songs, they're closers.

[Dick Toledo]

The big hit drummer Neil Pert was working man in 2015. Eddie Van Halen, jump, 2015. And then Taylor Hawkins, everlong 2020.

[John Holmberg]

That was the closer. They do close with A.D. they're their third encore. It's usually pretty off. Crowd favorite. Amazing. How about that, man? That dying. That dying too soon thing is. It's a weird conversation because you start thinking, like, is Lane Staley gonna give us anything else? So in his condition, what he was doing to himself. No. On top of that, sometimes once they clean up, it's. No, it's worse. What happened to Arrows? Good God. Started working with. They did the Armageddon Warren. They sort of. Yeah. Get back on the hooch, man.

[Dick Toledo]

Still, though, that was their ticket to money. Huge.

[John Holmberg]

It was. It was a big. Was a big one. It's out of control now.