← Holmberg's Morning Sickness - Arizona
Holmberg's Morning Sickness - Arizona
BEST OF HMS PODCASTS - FRIDAY - January 3, 2025 - Guad Squares - For Black History - Feb 2006
00:16:05
Loading summary
Transcript1 lines
- [00:00]
John Holmberg
All right, HMS Podcast, time again to let you know where to go for some great comedy in the Valley this week. Get out to the Tempe Improv on the east side to see Paul Versey on Thursday and Beth Stelling Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. The Desert Ridge Improv up north features Sarah Weinschenk this Thursday and Joe DeRosa on Friday and Saturday. And downtown at Stand Up Live, check out the very funny Lil Rel performing Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. For the complete lineups. And for tickets, go to standuplive.com desertridgeimprov.com and tempeimprov.com it's John Holberg here. For the amazing people at the Core Institute, life can throw you a curveball now and again. One day you're trucking along, feeling great. Next day your dog smashes into your head and knocks you cold. Or like a KUPD listener told me this week, his dog did a sprint across the backyard directly into the side of his wife's leg and blew her knee up. She needed that need to get fixed and fixed right. Two years later, she's running like she used to again. And it's all thanks to the Core Institute. I went through it, too. And you can get rid of your pain and start saying, yes, I can to all the things you want to do. And. And all you have to do is trust the Experts at the Core Institute. Head there right now. The Core Institute.com the best of the morning sickness is on the air. 98 KUPD. Do any of you people do any actual work? The best of Homburg's morning sickness this segment brought to you guys by Mo Money Pond, 12th street and Indian School. Now, whatever you're looking for, it doesn't matter if it's electronics, jewelry, tools, pretty much, you name it, they got it there. All right, check them out online@mo money pond.com or like I said, just go to the store and check them out. 12th street in Indian School, it's Mo Money Pond. It's time now for your Guadalupe squares and Guadalupe squares today, hosted by our own. And there's a little bit of a Black History Month kickoff kind of the Guadalupe squares to this today. Yeah, pretty much Beautiful. Your Guadalupe squares, very topical today. Hosted by your own Creepy X. Creepy Creepy X. All right, top Left Square, the 1933 Cardinals championship. Announcers tips McGee and Louis Wat. Ah, yes. Well, everyone, here we are at the beautiful Racine Street Stadium and the Cardinal, your world champions, 1933. And we have our own Louis Waddle down on the field. Louie Tell us what you think. Well, it looks like the Governor's just shown up in the horse and buggy and some other friends here. Certainly a lovely carriage the buggy's in, isn't it? I thought. And here we go to the ball game. And the leather headed warriors are off and running. But we'll give you more in just a moment. Cardinal, Bad tape. There it is. Top, Middle Square. It's WA. History Month. So we had the Cos. Bill Cosby and NBC's Lester Holt. You see, I don't understand why you gave me the Lester Holt. What I don't understand is why you talk like that. But you got to understand, I'm from Philly. Well, I am from a black part of town as well. Why? But I speak like a white man. This is not the Black History Month square that I had hoped. Absolutely it is. I want a black man. Where's Theo at? Theo? This man. Where is Ennis? He's dead. Corner. They have a big reunion coming up. Mary Jo Buttafuko and Steve Buscemi. That's about. You know what? You know what? I just. I don't think this is very funny. You shot me in the face. You know what? Honest to God, this whole thing happened years ago. Look at. Look at this. Look. See? Where you see that? I see it. I got shot in the face too. That's me smiling. Oh my God. That's not funny. That's not funny. You should see the other guy. You guys are drooling all over the place. Crying out loud. Metal escort. State of the Union was this week. So it's our buddy, George W. Bush. Here we go again. My address. Her address. Make my address. That was awesome. W. Thank you, Brady. Brady's against homosexuals too. Oh, really? It's like my administration. And he's also like your menstruation against. Well, yeah. Every cabinet member of my menstruation is against the gays. How come half the crowd didn't cheer for you there, George? What happened? Cuz they're bleeding heart liberals bastards who are terrorists without the towels. What? Come on. It's true. That's a bit much. Suck on that one time. America in the middle square half full. That's why it's a professional animal impersonator himself. Brady Bogan. Yeah. So, torch spinning town, we do a little hound this morning. You might have heard me do my impression of Phil the Groundhog and Punxsutawney. Can you give me a little. Yeah. Here we go. Ready? Ready? Here it comes. Yeah. There's a groundhog for you. Wanna know what a deer sounds like eating? Yeah. Let's go. Yeah. Here we go. Here we go. That's the same thing. No, no, no. It's wildlife. Very subtle differences. Here's a duck mating. Wow. Yeah, I got them all done. You should go on Letterman. Hey, that's pretty good stuff there, boy. George Bogan, everybody. The middle right square. He's on Oprah today. It's Dave Chappelle. Almost said the N word. Just starting it off. Had to catch myself. What you gonna talk about today, Dave? The N word. Oh, really? I went crazy. You did? Saw too many titties. Fame made me crazy. But I had to stop doing what I was doing back there. You know? That's good. But in Africa, I shaved my balls and now they look like eggs. Oprah. Gonna see Oprah's titties today. Oh, no. Maybe bottom left corner. It's Brady's secret square. And he hints today. Brady. Hello. It's my birthday today. I'm three foot six. And I also was. Willow. Oh, that's easy. Nobody's gonna know his name. There's a softball in the bottom of the square for no reason whatsoever. It's the governor, Arnold Schwartzmann. To get somebody to give me a towel. I just stepped. Davis, wipe him off the bottom of my shoe. Sorry, Willow. My apologies. I hear you're broke over there. What happened? Where'd all the money go? Don't know. Maria. You ran? It ran out. The only thing I can figure, I guess you know what my last name means. Schwarzenegger. Schwarzenegger. What does it mean? Oh, the Black History Month. Is it? Yeah, it's. It means black plowman. It's absolutely true. I did not know. Negro Plowman. Wow. Schwartz Negro. Thanks. That's great. True. Bottom right corner. He used to eat his own. His own hair. It's Ant. Celebrity Six. Brand new year. And a brand new celebrity Fit Club. And a brand new hairdo. Why did you used to eat your own hair? That's for me to know and for you not to know. Oh, all right. That's great. As long as you know that the scales don't lie. All right. Those are your squares. Yay. Yay. Yay. Jeez. Who's on the line? I don't know. We have Cynthia and Alex. And Alex. Cynthia and Alex, can you hear me? Yes, sir. All right, Cynthia, you are a woman. You go first. I would like the top right square, please. Top right square is Mary Jo Buttafu. Mary Jo and Steve Buscemi. I can't believe that we got. This is absolutely ridiculous. It's not funny. What do you have for you? Just because I was in love with my husband, I got shot in the effing face. I got shot in the face. How do you split an effing car? How's that? I saw your movie. I didn't. It was very unbelievable. I'm keeping a car. It was very unbelievable. Effing mute. Hey, you guys got a lot in common. Here's your question. Wait, wait, wait. Look. See that? That's me smiling. Alright, go ahead. Yeah, go ahead. You got Jose Feliciano. You got no complaint. That's true. Go ahead. Snakes sleep with their eyes open. Is that true or false? Guys? You'd have done good sleeping with your eyes open. You want to hear about a snake? I want to hear about a snake. Her name is Amy Fisher. Freakin snake. She shot me in the face. I heard I got shot in the face. You did. I'm gonna go say that's true. True. Yeah, I'll say that's true. All right. They say true. You agree? Want to know about a snake that sleeps with its eyes open? I agree. That's right. Let me show you a snake that sleeps with its eyes open. Lady, I'm married too. Hold on. I'm unzipping my pants. Oh, don't do that. Why is it that we both sound like Robbie the Inkling of a Cow? I don't know. There's the snake's sleep with its eyes out there. It's a trouser snake. Alex, you're up. Big and square, Brady. It's Brady Bogan. Great job. Animal impersonator himself. You got a request for animal impression, Alex? Not as good as your. No, but do you have a request? I'll do any animal on the planet. How about a whale? A whale? Eric, please stop having sex with me. The impression of a whale. Real funny. Okay. John holmberg's morning sickness. The 98 KUPD college hoops are here and there's no better place to catch the action than Hooters. Fuel up with a baller bundle 10 boneless wings, crispy fries, dressing and a fountain drink starting at just $9.99. Want to level up your game day experience? Swap the fountain drink for a Beat the Buzzer special featuring your choice of Beatbox or Buzzballs for a low price. This offer is for game days only, so grab your crew, enjoy the action and feast on the flavors you love. Only at Hooters. The original wing joined since 1983. It's Dick Toledo. And new customers right now on FanDuel. Get $150 in bonus bets when your first $5 wager wins. Just visit FanDuel.com KUPD to grab $150 in college hoops bonus bets with a winning $5 bet and prepare for March on FanDuel, America's number one sports book 21 plus and present in Arizona. First online real money wager only $5. First deposit required. Bonus issued is now withdrawable. Bonus bets, which expire seven days after receipt. Restrictions apply. See terms@sportsbook.fanduel.com Gambling problem. Call 1-800-next-step or text next step to 533-42. Homeburg's morning sickness. Here's your question. True or false. A snail can CR the edge of a razor without cutting itself. Is that true or. Here's my impression of a snail. Give me a smoke. Yeah, they like smoking. What? Oh, don't pour salt on me. I'm a snail, man. You gotta say what you are. Yeah, a snail can actually. I asked Torp about this. A snail can actually crawl across. Oh, the edge of a razor without cutting itself because there. They can't be cut. They can't. It's like when you try to stab a noodle. Here's a snail that is raising turtles. What? Raising on a turtles back. Ready? Here's this. My impression of a snail that's on a turtle's back racing. Ready? Go. Snail would do on a turtle's back. What the hell is wrong? Just answer the question. All right. He says false. You agree? Disagree. I agree. Oh, actually, it was true. X gets a square. Lester Holt with breaking news. This just in. Guadalupe Square stinks. All right, go ahead and continue. Do my impression of Lester Holt now. All right, let's hear it. Nah, I can't do it. All right, Cynthia, you're up. Picket square. Okay. Oh, shoot. Top left. All right. Top left corner. Because she avoided the win. I know. I did that on purpose. All right. Oh, the Cardinals announcers from 1933 tips McGee and Louis wobble. Oh, a big super bowl weekend this weekend. And once again, the Cardinals are participating for the 78th straight season. And boy, oh, boy, are we excited. Let's talk down the Lewis. That's right. There's plenty of people here, and it looks as if the Queen of England is. And that's what we're waiting for. And hopefully she's not offended by maniacal negro football because they're allowed to play in the Cardinals now. It's been three True or false? July is the worst month to have to go to the hospital. Is that true or false? Proma Seltzer. Why this brought to you by Bromo Seltzer and Camel Cigarettes. Four out of five doctors agree Camels are the best. I would have to say that going. I went for polio vaccination in July. Didn't quite work out for me. But false. That answer was brought to you by Roma Wines. Roma Wines. Most delicious wines in California. All right. They say false. You agree or disagree? I would have to agree. Oh, actually, no. Sorry. Oh, gets his first square. Alex, keep going. Alex, pick a square. Brady secret square. Uh. Oh. Oh, Brady secret square. Let's hear the hint. Alex is gonna nail this. I was Professor Flitwick in Harry Potter. I'm 36 today. I was 3 foot 6 when I did Star Wars. I was 2 foot 11 as an Ewok. Hello? Hello? Any guesses? Is that Warwick Davis? Yes, it is. Warwick Davis. Oh, the comeback is on. Cynthia, you can take George W. Bush for the block. Yes, I will. All right. Great choice. Good work, Cynthia. What's up, Georgie? Things are good. State of the Union is good. Operating at 39% approval rating, which means only 4, 40% don't approve. Really? Yeah, it's dead heat. You're kind of missing 11% there. Undecided. Oh, really? Here's your question. You ready? Cynthia, are you a Democrat or a. Or right. I'm a very proud Republican, thank you. That's what I'm talking about. X gets a square. You got a fan. You just want to give it to her. No, no. See what she can do here. All right. She's gonna earn it to her fall. As long as you're in fresh water and not the ocean, you can't get dehydrated while swimming. Is that true or false? First out, I want to point out some people in the crowd before I answer. Okay? Condi Rice is here today. Condoleezza. Condoleezza. I like to call her Condi. We're tight. Yeah. I just want to point out in Black History Month that my staff, my cabinet, my administration, my menstruation wouldn't be the same without Connolly's Rice. And I want to thank her for making my menstruation so solid. Okay, that's great. I'm gonna go ahead and say that your question that you questionified me with was falsified. All right? He says false. You agree or disagree? Okay. It was swimming. The ocean cannot make you dehydrated, Right? That's false. That's right. It is false. No, she did it. X gets the square. Alex, you can take Dave Chappelle for the block. Yes, please. All right, Dave Chappelle, everybody. I like it when the bitches take me better. Are you a fat man, Alex? A what? A fat man. Uh, yes. Whip out your titties. I'll take anything. I'm going mad. I got a good question for you there, Dave. All right. True or false in Ethiopia? True. They're starving. Let me finish, will you? Some hungry brothers in Ethiopia. Mother's Day. Lasts for two, sometimes three days. Is that true or false? Yeah. Cause it takes that long to search her out. Yeah. Usually she's like, you're gonna eat her. You got you starving out in the Congo. I think it's the Congo's in Ethiopia. What's wrong with you? I don't know. True or false? You know what a bunk bed is in Ethiopia? What's that? Livelord blinds. You get like, nine of them on there. Last place I won't see titties is Ethiopia. Because they ain't none. They're all too skinny, floppy. Too floppy. Skinny ass. True or false? Narrow women. Answer the question. True, he says. True. You agree or disagree, Alan? Agree. That's right. It is. Oh, wait, it is. Damn it. The game that will never end. All right, we're all over the place, so we're gonna go with. You can take Bill Cosby and Lester Holt. Ant. Or Arnold Schwarzenegger for the win here. Arnold Schwarzenegger. All right. She's going with Arnold Schwarzenegger. Good morning. How are you? It's great to be out here. The weirdest squares in a long time. Go ahead. It is. This is for all the marbles right here. Yeah, I like titties, too. I know you do. True or false? The term swat never existed before the 19 swastika. No. Swat swat team never existed before the 1975 TV show swat. Is that true or false? Son, the word swat, swat was not a word until they said it on Television in 1975. So what did you hit flies with? Idiot. True or false? The word swat. Swat. 1975 was back in the day when I was lifting lots of weights and going nuts to butts with your memaw. What? You heard me. You're a jerk. She probably still has a bruise. I'm sure she does. Nuts to butts with Meemaw. I like saying that. Like saying that. I'm gonna say it again. Nuts to butts with Mima. Where were you in the chopper when this happened? Don't know. All I know is I was not to butts with Mima. True or false? Answer the question. True. I was not to butt with Meemaw. All right. He says true. You agree, Harry? Mima, I'm afraid I'm gonna say I agree. Oh. Alex wins. The only one she missed. Alex wins. Holy cow. Hold on a second, gang. Oh, my Lord. We'll both get something there. Yeah. You're nuts to butts with meemaw. Stop. Say it at home. Get out of here in your car, driving to work, just open the windows and screaming, mad as hell. And I'm going nuts to butts with meemaw. This just in. Nuts to butts with meemaw. That's what I'm talking about. Lester Holt has even been nuts to butts with your meemaw. Ant. Have you been nuts to butts with your. I've been nuts to butts with a lot of things. That's what I thought. But I've been in Meemaw as well. Right. In his case, he was nuts to nuts with pepper. You heard me. Speaking of Brahma Seltzer, we're going nuts to butts this afternoon. There's Your Guadalupe Squares is 98k upd, Arizona's most powerful rock radio station. He said fully erect. 98 kupda.