BEST OF HMS PODCASTS - MONDAY - December 30, 2024 - Brady Report mix - Toledo's Mom Shooting Mouse In House - Biggest Toilet Baby States - Jan 2006/July 2005

Summary

Summary of "BEST OF HMS PODCASTS - MONDAY - December 30, 2024"

Introduction and Comedy Show Recommendations [00:00 - 00:31]

The episode begins with John Holmberg sharing upcoming comedy events across Arizona. He highlights performances at the Tempe Improv featuring Paul Versey and Beth Stelling, the Desert Ridge Improv with Sarah Weinschenk and Joe DeRosa, and Stand Up Live downtown showcasing Lil Rel. John encourages listeners to purchase tickets through the respective improv websites, setting an engaging and community-focused tone for the morning show.

Discussion on Reality TV and "The Bachelor" [01:04 - 07:26]

Dick Toledo kicks off the main content by critiquing the latest episode of "The Bachelor." He humorously compares the show's antics to those of Margaret Perrin, remarking, “If that was acting, it was pretty impressive” ([04:50]). Carmen and Bret Vesely join in the banter, discussing the performances of reality TV stars and the often exaggerated drama that unfolds. The segment highlights the hosts' knack for blending pop culture commentary with witty humor.

Brady Report: Americans’ Views on Wealth Accumulation [02:09 - 03:12]

Brady Bogen presents the "Brady Report," sharing insights from a Consumer Federation of America survey. The survey reveals that 21% of Americans consider winning the lottery the most practical way to accumulate several hundred thousand dollars, while only 55% endorse saving money and making wise investments. Carmen remarks, “That's our ambition as a nation” ([02:20]), underscoring the cultural fascination with quick wealth. Dick adds a humorous twist, stating, “That's probably a better bet” ([02:53]), emphasizing the show's light-hearted approach to serious topics.

Humorous Anecdotes and Banter [03:12 - 10:25]

The hosts engage in a series of humorous exchanges on various topics:

• Long Island Iced Tea Incident: A story unfolds about a waitress mistakenly serving a five-year-old child a Long Island Iced Tea instead of apple juice. Dick Toledo humorously notes, “If you make a good Long Island Iced Tea, you can’t taste a single drop of alcohol” ([10:13]), highlighting the drink's deceptive nature.

• Cockfights Commentary: The conversation shifts to cockfighting, where Carmen quips, “Personally I prefer putting my money in something more secure like betting on cock fights” ([03:23]). The hosts laugh over the absurdity of the topic, showcasing their ability to navigate sensitive subjects with humor.

Stories of Mischief and Mayhem [10:25 - 20:34]

The episode delves into several bizarre and humorous stories:

• Dog Attack Liability Issues [15:25 - 16:24]: Carmen recounts the tale of Marilyn Christian, who took matters into her own hands to prove her neighbor's dog killed her pet. Despite her efforts, the dog’s owners only paid a minimal fine instead of the required $50,000 liability insurance. Dick responds with irony, “I'm Lucky” ([16:05]), highlighting the show's satirical take on legal loopholes.

• Elderly Men and Fire Incidents [16:33 - 18:43]: Carmen shares the story of Luciano Morris, an 81-year-old man from Fort Sumner, New Mexico, who attempted to kill a mouse by throwing it into a burning pile of leaves. The mouse retaliated by setting down Luciano's house on fire. Brett questions the logic, asking, “Why do you say good?” ([17:55]), adding to the comedic narrative.

• Explosive Revenge Gone Wrong [17:55 - 18:26]: Another story involves an elderly man from Downey, California, who tried to detonate a homemade bomb to settle a parking dispute but ended up fatally injured himself. Dick exclaims, “Oh, my God” ([18:18]), emphasizing the absurdity of the situation.

Birth Stories and Toilet Mishaps [20:02 - 27:51]

The hosts share and mock various unconventional birth stories, focusing on unusual circumstances where babies are born in toilets:

• Leah Rebel Robles’ Toilet Birth: Carmen narrates Leah Rebel Robles' experience of giving birth in a toilet after being sent home prematurely from the hospital. Her baby, Richard Robles III, was miraculously healthy and rescued by her husband. Dick humorously questions, “How do you continue?” ([24:41]), highlighting the surreal nature of the story.

• Fred Pantorock’s Toilet Birth: The hosts invent a fictional anecdote about their character Fred Pantorock being born in a toilet, leading to playful and exaggerated dialogue. Brett adds, “Ask around your workplace today. One of those people was born in a toilet,” ([27:48]) poking fun at the implausibility of the tale.

Health and Social Commentary [21:16 - 23:24]

Carmen introduces alarming and humorous health trends:

• Pharming: Describes "farming" where kids trade prescription drugs, including painkillers like OxyContin and anti-anxiety pills such as Valium and Xanax. Dick reacts with mock enthusiasm, saying, “Nice” ([21:16]).

• Dusting: Explains "dusting" as a form of huffing involving spray cleaners used for computer keyboards, leading to severe health consequences like slurred speech and brain damage. Carmen notes, “There are some side effects to it” ([21:39]), blending serious warnings with comedic presentation.

• Toothlessness Rates: Presents data from the CDC showing West Virginia leading with a 42.9% toothlessness rate among its residents, while Hawaii boasts the lowest at 13%. Dick humorously comments, “Bronze” ([22:34]), adding levity to the statistics.

• Hostility and Heart Disease: Carmen discusses a Duke University study linking hostile personalities to higher heart disease mortality rates. She dismisses it as “bull” ([22:53]), and the hosts agree, laughing off the seriousness of the findings.

Closing Anecdotes and Final Remarks [27:51 - 28:10]

The episode wraps up with more humorous recaps of bizarre birth stories and playful interactions among the hosts. Dick introduces a character named Fred, humorously born in a toilet, leading to more jokes and exaggerated exchanges. The hosts' chemistry and quick wit provide a fitting end to the episode, maintaining an entertaining and lively atmosphere.

Notable Quotes:

• Dick Toledo ([04:50]): “If that was acting, it was pretty impressive.”
• Carmen ([02:20]): “That's our ambition as a nation.”
• Dick Toledo ([10:13]): “If you make a good Long Island Iced Tea, you can’t taste a single drop of alcohol.”
• Carmen ([22:53]): “That article's bull.”

Conclusion

The "BEST OF HMS PODCASTS" episode offers a dynamic blend of humor, satirical commentary, and bizarre anecdotes, embodying the spirited essence of Arizona's #1 Morning Radio Show. John Holmberg, along with co-hosts Brady Bogen, Bret Vesely, and Dick Toledo, deliver an engaging and entertaining listening experience through their witty exchanges and unique storytelling.

Transcript

[John Holmberg]

All right, HMS Podcast, time again to let you know where to go for some great comedy in the Valley this week. Get out to the Tempe Improv on the east side to see Paul Versey on Thursday and Beth Stelling Friday, Saturday and Sunday. The Desert Ridge Improv up North features Sarah Weinschenk this Thursday and Joe DeRosa on Friday and Saturday. And downtown at Stand Up Live, check out the very funny Lil Rel performing Friday, Saturday and Sunday for the complete lineups. And for tickets, go to standuplive.com desertridgeimprov.com and tempeimprov.com it's John Holberg here.

[Brady]

For the amazing people at the Core Institute, life can throw you a curveball now and again. One day you're trucking along, feeling great. Next day your dog smashes into your head and knocks you cold. Or like a KUPD listener told me this week, his dog did a sprint across the backyard directly into the side of his wife's leg and blew her knee up. She needed that need to get fixed and fixed right. Two years later, she's running like she used to again. And it's all thanks to the Core Institute. I went through it too. And you can get rid of your pain and start saying yes, I can to all the things you want to do.

[Carmen]

And.

[Brady]

And all you have to do is trust the experts at the Core Institute. Head there right now. The Core institute dot com.

[Toledo]

Grab some protection. Here comes the best of Homburg's morning sickness. I'm 98k upd time now. Preempted by the Bachelor talk by that crazy biatch on the Bachelor last night. If you watched it, it was as good as Margaret Perrin, only not quite as good. Margaret Perrin, of course, from me, I meet my. Or what was it? Trading spouses. Remember the crazy?

[Carmen]

Yeah, I rebuke it in the name.

[Toledo]

Of the Lord lady. Now she's reality, the reality network with Kennedy. Remember Kennedy from mtv?

[Brett]

Oh, she got her own show off.

[Toledo]

She does stuff Kennedy's I I've always had this odd fascination with mounting Kennedy, but I think it's just a shutter.

[Brett]

Up or it's a glasses. Maybe you have a glass.

[Toledo]

It might be the glasses thing.

[Carmen]

Her name helped her too.

[Toledo]

Kennedy was kind of. But she's annoying and I think it was just to shut Kennedy up. But yeah, she was on there with Kennedy Kennedy as a guest. And I'm like, maybe that wasn't real, but she was pretty good. If that was acting, it was pretty impressive. 7:26 in the morning sickness and time now for Brady to late. Better late than never. Give us the news that nobody else had the courage to give us. We call it the Brady Report.

[Carmen]

Brady reported the Consumer Federation of America just finished a survey where they ask Americans what's the most practical way to accumulate several hundred thousand dollars.

[Toledo]

Steal it.

[Carmen]

21%. I'm gonna say a whopping 21 said winning the lottery.

[Toledo]

That's our ambition as a nation.

[Carmen]

It gets worse. 3% of the most practical way to get several hundred grand is to get an insurance settlement.

[Toledo]

Oh. Lawsuits.

[Carmen]

I figured that's probably about right. 3%. On the positive side 55% had the right answer and said saving money and making wise investments. So about half.

[Brett]

That's probably a better bet.

[Toledo]

But if they're asking what's the fastest way to get a hundred thousand dollars.

[Carmen]

Or more Poor people most likely say winning the lottery is the most practical way to get rich. 38% of people who make under 25 grand choose the lottery option compared to 9% of the people making over 75. Lottery.

[Toledo]

The lottery is for you like a poor people.0002.

[Brett]

Yeah. Chance to win.

[Toledo]

It's the hillbilly pension plan tax on the poor.

[Carmen]

Except it's tax people choose to pay.

[Toledo]

Yeah.

[Carmen]

Personally I prefer putting my money in something more secure like betting on cock fights.

[Toledo]

Is that right? How you doing with that?

[Carmen]

Not good.

[Toledo]

No.

[Carmen]

I would like to never have yet.

[Toledo]

But before I die I will own and fight a you personally. I will be a owner.

[Carmen]

You gotta write that. These are things.

[Toledo]

I know. I know because I've only got like 30 years to go.

[Carmen]

I gotta keep the wood chipper. I need to get that written down because I don't want to put one step ahead of the other. You know? I don't want to. I put the wood chipper in. I put you in the wood chipper. After you're dead.

[Toledo]

After you put my corpse in the wood chipper and scatter my parts. Not my ashes. I don't want to be burned.

[Carmen]

Now where would you like to be.

[Toledo]

Scattered during a game?

[Carmen]

That's right.

[Toledo]

Preferably when the Phillies or Giants are on the field.

[Brett]

I miss Ogayo Guapo.

[Toledo]

I do too. I saw a rooster walking around down the street here in Guatemala. It's him. We had this knowing glance. Yeah. He looked at me and I looked at him. And then these little hearts bubbled out over his head. But there's a. There's a rooster down the way with no feathers.

[Brett]

I've seen that one.

[Toledo]

Yeah.

[Brett]

I was wondering if that was him.

[Toledo]

That'S what I thought. Somebody plucked him. And as if to disguise a Brazilian rooster, he's been shaved. He had a little strip on his back though the landing strippers. Ladies must love that he's been waxed.

[Carmen]

As men, we know there are many things that women can fake without men even finding out.

[Toledo]

Don't care.

[Carmen]

But sometimes men are so stupid, they won't be able to tell the difference between a home cooked meal and a takeout meal. According again, this is the UK. A survey of Britain's Department of Health finds that 40% of women have lied and said they cooked a meal that was really takeout or prepackaged. I've done that just to impress a guy. Only about half as many guys have done it. 22% have done the same thing.

[Toledo]

I've done that.

[Carmen]

But I don't really. I mean.

[Brett]

Cause we would just say we've done it. Yeah, I got to me.

[Toledo]

No, no, I've done the takeout and put it on plates and made it look good.

[Brett]

Well, yeah, what you do, you say. And then after the meal's done, you go, nah.

[Toledo]

But you know what else I did to go even further? I rubbed it around in my pots and put the pot.

[Brett]

That's ridiculous.

[Toledo]

That's brilliant.

[Brett]

You told her at the end.

[Toledo]

No, I did not. I'm telling her right now.

[Brett]

That's just too funny.

[Toledo]

And then I put the pots in the sink.

[Brett]

What happened recently?

[Toledo]

Well, last year.

[Brett]

What made you do something like this?

[Toledo]

I wanted some poo nanny.

[Carmen]

According to Ronnie, on the first go around, I came out with a. It was basically oven brick for shadow. And I guess I said, oh, yeah, made this.

[Toledo]

I remember you saying it on the air and we made fun of you.

[Carmen]

Yeah.

[Toledo]

That you went, would you forget about it?

[Carmen]

No.

[Toledo]

According to Ronnie, he knew and he was trying to pull it off on the air the next day because he knew she was listening. Yeah, I made a pizza for you.

[Carmen]

Made it?

[Toledo]

Yep.

[Carmen]

Queer.

[Toledo]

No, cooking is good. He just pulled it out of a box and stuffed it in his oven.

[Carmen]

To me, if it's good, it's homemade. That's careless.

[Toledo]

If it's homemade, it doesn't bother me.

[Carmen]

There is a difference on certain. On a lot of food. That boy, if you're getting homemade like.

[Toledo]

But I don't care.

[Brett]

You took it out of the box, you put it in the oven.

[Toledo]

I eat Costco pizza, but I'll eat anything.

[Carmen]

Trying to pull the wall over her eyes here, but she says, oh, yeah, you told me.

[Toledo]

I remember that.

[Brett]

So you're in trouble now. You're not getting any wound for a while.

[Carmen]

There's a magic. A magic aphrodisiac out there that we make women randy all the time.

[Toledo]

Called money.

[Carmen]

Close.

[Toledo]

What is it?

[Carmen]

Scientists at Southwestern University in Georgetown, Texas have found that pumping female rats full of money caffeine.

[Toledo]

Oh, really?

[Carmen]

Makes them desire much more mounting.

[Toledo]

Huh.

[Carmen]

There's only one problem. It really only works on rats that have never tasted caffeine before.

[Toledo]

Oh.

[Brett]

I could see that.

[Carmen]

The professor led the study says in humans caffeine might enhance the sexual experience. Only among people who are not habitual users of caffeine. Well, find that.

[Toledo]

Yeah.

[Carmen]

Needle in the haystack.

[Toledo]

No kidding.

[Carmen]

Now they got it. You know, if you can't get the caffeine, you don't like coffee and everything else. Yeah, I think they should. They might as well put caffeine and butter and everything else.

[Toledo]

I mean juicy up during your muffin.

[Carmen]

New egg beaters with caffeine.

[Toledo]

That's not a bad idea. Just load everything up with it. I thought I'd cut it out.

[Carmen]

Does it have a taste?

[Toledo]

I thought I'd cut it out completely. And it turns out that I've been guzzling more of it than I did when I was drinking a lot of pot. Where is it? Tea. And it's like double in the tea. It's like just as much in that. I knew there was a little, but I didn't know it was more.

[Carmen]

I don't know if you heard about this one, but I heard a little bit about yesterday. Applebee's restaurant. You know, they're. There's a lady that brought her five year old son in there. Her name's Cynthia Perales. And she took her 5 year old son Seth to dinner at Applebee's. He ordered himself an apple juice. Somehow the waitress bought him a Long island iced tea instead. It's sweet. So Seth drank it up, guzzled it. Cynthia didn't realize the five year old what he had basically equivalent of nine shots of alcohol. Maybe not many. Well, until his eyes glazed over and he started laughing uncontrollably. Cynthia, of course the waitress admitted the mistake and apologized. Wasn't good enough. Lady is quoting saying the trauma that it caused her son and asking him to quiet down and sit down.

[Brett]

What do you mean? He was happy?

[Carmen]

25 grand. She saw what Applebee for 75 grand. You know what it's not. I know the waitress is a employee of Applebee's, but it's not like she intended to do this.

[Toledo]

Somebody intended to do it. Brady, Long Island Iced Teas. Coming.

[Carmen]

But let me ask you this. If your son orders an apple juice or daughter, couldn't you tell?

[Toledo]

Yeah.

[Carmen]

All the fruit in it and the umbrella. Yeah.

[Toledo]

And the curly straw.

[Brett]

That does not look like apple juice. And it's on ice and it's in.

[Toledo]

One of those wavy Mai Tai glasses. Yeah, that's true, but I. That's an.

[Carmen]

You can put apple juice on ice, I'll give you that.

[Toledo]

Usually it's a little baby glass and.

[Carmen]

Maybe if it's unfiltered apple juice, some places serve that.

[Toledo]

It's a little thin.

[Carmen]

It's cloudier. It's thicker. Cloudier.

[Toledo]

I guess.

[Carmen]

But don't you think. I don't know. I take a sip of Long Island Iced Tea.

[Toledo]

Well, you wouldn't know it was Long Island Iced Tea. No, it depends on who the alcohol. You make a good Long Island Iced Tea. It just depends.

[Brett]

Yeah, you don't even. That's a good thing about Long Island Iced Tea.

[Toledo]

A good Long Island Iced Tea tastes like tea to you though.

[Brett]

Drinks once a decade.

[Carmen]

Well, that's what I'm saying. So my friend Seth must be pounding down the hooch then.

[Brett]

He knows all about the liquor.

[Toledo]

But if you make a good Long Island Iced Tea, you can't taste a single drop of alcohol, even if you're. Even if you're novice.

[Brett]

That's the drink. If you want to get a girl bar.

[Toledo]

Strawberry daiquiri. Little hint for all you 21 year olds out there. Those are the two. 75 grand for one Long Island. I could see if he ordered another one in apple juice and she brought him another. Then. Then it's just trouble, but one accident.

[Carmen]

And it's kind of funny in a way. Hopefully the kid, you know, come up with that number. Lawyer.

[Brett]

That's pain and suffering right there, John.

[Carmen]

You know, and I hope she's not dancing around her kid like you just drank a poison. Oh, my God, Seth, you're gonna be a wreck for a couple of years.

[Brett]

Maybe if he got like violently ill. Maybe.

[Toledo]

Your dad said maybe the kid's dad's an alcoholic. Sorry, go ahead.

[Carmen]

There's something good that happened at the Bengal Steelers game.

[Toledo]

Yeah, I know. 3117. There you go. Okay, thank you.

[Carmen]

Something good for a couple of Bengals fans.

[Toledo]

Chad Johnson was beaten to death.

[Carmen]

Sandy Emu and Jim reed. Back in 1991. They were dating and their first date. When the things got more serious. They decided they'd get married the next time. The Bengals made the Playoffs.

[Toledo]

Fifteen years. Fifteen years later, I think best bet he ever made.

[Carmen]

They tied the knot at the game, stupid. Congratulations. Cindy and Jim.

[Brett]

Now they should get divorced the next time they make the play.

[Toledo]

Yeah.

[Carmen]

Do you think that's a bad omen? You know, you get married on a.

[Toledo]

Loss, get married at a Bengals game. It's a bad omen to just show up at the Bengals stadium.

[Brett]

How trashy is that?

[Toledo]

Do you think they wore the tiger stripes?

[Brett]

Yeah, she had the dress.

[Toledo]

Who they say you're gonna marry? This guy.

[Carmen]

In Snow Hill, Maryland, 34 year old. 34 year old Eric Cowboy Littleton. Wacky DJ WZBH 93.5 FM, was having a promotional event at a restaurant where listeners could win the coveted ZZ Top tickets for performing crazy stunts. 27 year old Robert west, loyal listener, decided to take the challenge. He told Eric. Eric actually told him to expose himself to a woman at a restaurant and if he did that, he'd get the tickets. So Robert. Yeah, Eric.

[Brett]

I was like, I don't remember that.

[Toledo]

I didn't do this.

[Carmen]

Let's just call him Cowboy.

[Brett]

Sounds like something.

[Carmen]

Cowboy Littleton told the listener, Robert west to go expose himself to that lady. And he'll get tickets if he does. So Robert walked up to the woman, whose name has not been released, whipped out his testes, placed them on her arm. She freaked out, called the police.

[Toledo]

Was she part of the game?

[Carmen]

No.

[Toledo]

Oh.

[Carmen]

Arrested Robert for indecent exposure, second degree assault and fourth degree sexual assault. And because that Eric had put him up to it, he was arrested and charged with the same crimes.

[Brett]

See, we gotta stop these stunts.

[Toledo]

Gotta stop these teabaggings.

[Brett]

I did that. Don't you remember the.

[Carmen]

But Eric, you do it without people asking you, and that's.

[Toledo]

You're gonna. You did what? When did you teabag somebody?

[Carmen]

No.

[Brett]

And Freddy tagged that guy the closest.

[Carmen]

Thing that you were.

[Brett]

You don't remember that?

[Toledo]

No.

[Carmen]

For tickets that was on the bus.

[Brett]

No, it was on the air.

[Carmen]

No.

[Brett]

Yes, it was.

[Toledo]

Eric. No.

[Brett]

Oh, no, it wasn't. I don't remember this.

[Toledo]

That never happened. Yeah. These are not the teabaggings you're talking. No.

[Carmen]

The only thing I was gonna say.

[Toledo]

Give me the Jedi teabag trick was a spring training.

[Brett]

I don't know what. You talk.

[Carmen]

You payday. Stun him if he'd streak.

[Toledo]

Yeah.

[Carmen]

Spring train.

[Toledo]

You're crazy. You had a bad dream. These are not the tea bags. You wish to shut up.

[Brett]

We only had tea at the van. It was good.

[Toledo]

Yes, we have dipped tea bags in Delicious hot water. Don Holmberg's morning sickness.

[Larry McFeely]

The 98 KUPD college hoops are here. And there's no better place to catch the action than Hooters. Fuel up with the baller bundle. 10 boneless wings, crispy fries, dressing and a fountain drink starting at just $9.99. Want to level up your game day experience? Swap the fountain drink for a Beat the Buzzer special featuring your choice of Beatbox or Buzzballs for a low price. This offer is for game days only, so grab your crew, enjoy the action and feast on the flavors you love. Only at Hooters, the original wing joined since 1983.

[Wayne]

Hey, it's Larry McFeely here with Wayne from Amco and Wayne. Now that it's getting warmer, I turned on the AC in my car and the air is blowing kind of cool. But it really smells like a basement. What can I do about that, Larry?

[Toledo]

Your car's AC system should be checked and serviced. Plus replacing the cabin air filter helps the air blow strong and takes away any nasty smell. Nice.

[Wayne]

Is that a big deal to get done?

[Toledo]

Not at all. It takes about an hour and in most cases we can do it while you wait.

[Carmen]

That's awesome.

[Toledo]

I'll say. We're amco.

[Wayne]

Google AMCO for your nearest location. That's Amco double A MCO transmissions and a whole lot more.

[Toledo]

Holmberg's morning sickness.

[Carmen]

Back in August, Marilyn Christian of Leesburg, Virginia founder cat Cody was murdered. She suspected her neighbor's dog, Lucky. For some reason, the police decided that her case hasn't, you know, wasn't a priority. So Marilyn took it into her own hands. She took DNA from Lucky and Cody. Then paid a lab in California to test it. Sure enough, the lab found that Lucky did kill Cody. So Marilyn took the results to the county. They ordered Lucky's owners, Sean and Janet derabaggy to the a $50,000 in liability insurance for the dog.

[Toledo]

Wow.

[Carmen]

To keep him locked up, to keep him muzzled on walks. About 10 days later, Lucky was running free outside. Someone called the police. And now no, they paid 116 fine.

[Toledo]

That's not so bad.

[Carmen]

They have to get a fifty thousand dollar liability insurance. I'm Lucky.

[Toledo]

It cost you ten bucks.

[Carmen]

Not too much. Yeah. And Fort Sumner, New Mexico. This could be Carmen away. You told me about this a little bit yesterday.

[Toledo]

Is this the old man?

[Carmen]

81 year old man. Luciano Morris. He tried to kill a mouse he found prowling through his house. There's a mouse in the house? Cleveland state. He trapped the little guy and Raked a pile of leaves together in the front of his house. He set the pile on fire, threw the mouse into the burning pile to kill him.

[Toledo]

Go, mouse.

[Carmen]

But the mouse wasn't gonna go. Like a punk fireball, little Al Qaeda mouse. Fire. Ran out of the leaf pile, ran into Luciano's house, burnt the entire house down.

[Toledo]

The house down. Good for you, mouse.

[Carmen]

No one was hurt, but everything inside Luciano's house was destroyed.

[Brett]

Why do you say good?

[Toledo]

Because you don't burn living objects.

[Carmen]

I don't know what it is with fire and 80 year old men, but you smash it. I'm gonna top it.

[Brett]

You smash it.

[Toledo]

You smash it. You don't throw anything alive in a fire.

[Brett]

Yeah, that's kind of cruel.

[Toledo]

You smash it. I'm all for the smashing of the mouse. That's fine.

[Brett]

The head getting smashed in a trap.

[Toledo]

No, no, better you just hold them by the tail and you squash him with your foot.

[Carmen]

The zapper.

[Toledo]

Or zap it or shoot it point blank with a BB gun. But you don't throw them in a fire. You don't drown it and you don't throw it in a fire.

[Carmen]

Here's the geriatric topper. In Downey, California, a man in his 80s once again, whose name wasn't released, got into a massive fight with his neighbors over some parking spots. Of course, the only way to settle that, the old man decided the the wisest ways to get revenge. Detonate a homemade bomb in their house.

[Toledo]

Oh, my God.

[Carmen]

Unfortunately, people are funny. One of his bombs went off, set him on fire and killed him.

[Toledo]

Oh.

[Carmen]

No one else was hurt.

[Toledo]

You pay.

[Carmen]

I don't know, there's. All right, maybe a list of things that 80 year old men should not have access to. Fire prostates.

[Toledo]

That's probably true. Those are 1 and 2. 1 and 1. A driving and cars. Toledo hands me this. My mother shot a mouse in our. And I'm gonna replace the word house with trailer with the 22. When I was in high school, mom sitting on the porch with a.22.

[Carmen]

That's a good shot.

[Toledo]

That is an amazing.

[Carmen]

It says don't come out.

[Brett]

Stay in the room for a second.

[Toledo]

She's going to fire the weapon. It's Toledo.

[Brett]

We just had to dump him.

[Toledo]

What is going on? Well, he's remembering when his mother was firing a weapon in the house in high school, so I forgot.

[Carmen]

She talks like a pirate.

[Brett]

We're gonna have to cut you, you potty mouse.

[Toledo]

We need some soap. We need some. We need a lot of soap.

[Carmen]

Did your mom say that word for word. Wow, that got your attention.

[Toledo]

My mom shot a mouse in our house with a.22.

[Carmen]

Oh, you. You said that?

[Toledo]

Yeah, he said it. Okay, hold on, Little dick Toledo. Don't come out your bedroom yet. Mama's got a mouse to drop in the house. In the house.

[Carmen]

She used to wake Toledo up in the morning. Toledo would wake up and he'd have an infrared dot on his forehead or something.

[Toledo]

You ready for school?

[Carmen]

Oh, I think so. Wakey, wakey, ate and bakey mama.

[Toledo]

Move the barrel. All right. There might be a mouse in here. One over the bow. Where's your little friend Brady? Gunplay Brady. Yeah, gunplay Brady and Mrs. Toledo.

[Carmen]

Your mama sure takes your school seriously.

[Toledo]

Wow. Well, anyway, glad you had that kind of life. Forest wow. Mom shooting weapons. And she got.

[Carmen]

But shooting a mouse, that's one or two.

[Brett]

Explode all over the place.

[Carmen]

Holy Annie Oakley.

[Toledo]

And then you guys had.

[Brett]

Did she make you clean it, Cinderella?

[Toledo]

Did you get your banjo and celebrate, like, right away?

[Carmen]

Tell the rest of the story. She had the compact mirror holding it. And she shot it back over the shoulder.

[Toledo]

Get mama's corn cob pipe. We got dinner on the floor.

[Carmen]

A couple of new drug trends we should know about. Farming. P H A R M I N G. Farming. It's in the upcoming issue of Time magazine. Two of them that they'll talk about. Farming is one of them. What is. It's when kids get together and trade prescription drugs. They trade painkillers like Oxygotin, Vicodin, anti anxiety pills, Valium, Xanax, and add the meds like Riddler along with that.

[Toledo]

Nice.

[Carmen]

And with that way, the way we're doping our kids up with every single behavior problem, it's easy for them to stay supplied.

[Toledo]

Everybody's got a set of pills.

[Carmen]

The last one is. Or the second one is dusting. Dusting is a form of huffing. Basically. Dusting is using the cams that you spray your computer keyboard down.

[Toledo]

The thing I always spray on people.

[Carmen]

Yeah.

[Toledo]

You can do stuff with those.

[Carmen]

Well, evidently, people are. There's some. There's some side effects to it.

[Toledo]

I'm always turning this over. What?

[Carmen]

Slurred speech. Permanent brain damage and death.

[Toledo]

The thing that. To think about, the keyboard dust can. When I turn it over and I put my name in ice on my shirt.

[Carmen]

Yeah.

[Toledo]

I'm gonna have cancer from that.

[Carmen]

Pretty much.

[Toledo]

Oh, man.

[Carmen]

Well, if you're huffing it.

[Toledo]

I'm not huffing it, but I have smelled it. I mean, I freeze everything with that. Those are fun.

[Brett]

While you Were looking for ways to go out.

[Toledo]

That's a good one. Start huffing dusters.

[Carmen]

It's not going to surprise us here, but according to the U. S. Center of disease control and prevention. Johnny, you could probably give the rundown of the cities or the states that lead the u. S. Toothlessness rate. West Virginia, number one, 42.9. Almost 43 massive restaurants of its residents have lost six or more teeth.

[Toledo]

Bronze.

[Carmen]

Mississippi, Kentucky is second.

[Toledo]

Oh, I was gonna go. Mississippi, Ohio, Kentucky, 38.

[Carmen]

A.R. kansas, Tennessee is third. 32.

[Toledo]

Wow.

[Carmen]

Hawaii has the lowest rate, 13%.

[Toledo]

Nice job, Eric.

[Carmen]

This is a little study that you need to. A Study of 1300 Men and Women at Duke university finds that middle aged people with hostile personalities are much more likely to die of heart disease than calmer people. And the more hostile you are, more likely you are to drop dead.

[Toledo]

Damn it.

[Carmen]

That article's bull.

[Brett]

Bunch of crap.

[Toledo]

You got to get it out the anger.

[Brett]

Yeah, I agree. Release it into the world.

[Carmen]

Finally, on July 9, Leah Rebel Robles of Whittier, California and her husband Richard went to the local Presbyterian intercommunity hospital so Leah could give birth to their second child. But even though she was past her due date, bleeding, having contractions less than two minutes apart, the hospital staff told her she wasn't ready to deliver, sent her home. Fifty minutes after she gone home, Leah had the urge to use the restroom and voila.

[Toledo]

Sorry.

[Brett]

What the hell?

[Carmen]

She was playing the drums in the toilet.

[Toledo]

She dropped. She pooped.

[Carmen]

A baby let go of the Cosby kid in the toilet. Amazingly, the child, Richard Robles iii, was healthy. His dad scooped him up out of the water, cleaned him, held him. Then Leah wrapped her baby and blanket until help arrived. The Robles aren't planning on suing the hospital or anything like that. They say, quote, they're slightly irked. Why did they find at least, I don't know, like a farmhouse, a manger or something. The inn was full, so she dumped him on the grotto.

[Toledo]

How do you.

[Carmen]

How do you continue? Maybe three kings will come visit, drop off presents to Richard iii.

[Toledo]

Wouldn't you get off the toilet?

[Carmen]

I have heard more stories of toilet burst. At least. At least five or six. And I know of one that I know.

[Toledo]

The person who dropped the baby in the can.

[Carmen]

Yes.

[Toledo]

Who? Come on. Used to be.

[Carmen]

Well, no, it doesn't matter. But he used to be the wrestling coach of Ohio State University. His daughter, she didn't know it.

[Brett]

How can you not know?

[Carmen]

That's my still question of the day.

[Toledo]

She didn't Know that she was giving birth. What did she think was happening?

[Carmen]

She had like, showing it either she thought she really had to go to the bathroom.

[Toledo]

Was that one story that lady was wearing pantyhose and all of a sudden started crying?

[Carmen]

Yes. Oh, something's wrong.

[Toledo]

And she didn't know she was pregnant. Seven months into the pregnancy, oh, something's so wrong. And then all of a sudden she's like, something's pushing on my pants. And it was a baby's head blowing out of her.

[Carmen]

Yeah, this is the third one we've done.

[Toledo]

And toilets, though. Don't you think that you would get up and this lady knew she was pregnant, thought she was having the baby.

[Brett]

Maybe they saw flippers coming out or something. So they're like, well, get in the tub.

[Toledo]

Get in the tub. The baby is not gonna fit in a toilet. Get in the tub. How big is your toilet that you can uncork a baby? I have to double flush for a good dump. If your toilet can take an infant, I want that plumber.

[Carmen]

Well, you know, that's how our own Fred Pantorock was born.

[Toledo]

He got tossed into a toilet.

[Brett]

He's got gills.

[Toledo]

I didn't know that Pandrock was tossed into a toilet. Dad, how is it? Tell me the story of by birth. Well, son, your mother had gas dumped you in the can.

[Carmen]

We were at e lake. It was a pit toilet.

[Toledo]

Daddy, tell me again.

[Brett]

Were there steelers there?

[Carmen]

Your mother just got done. Your mother just got done winning the log rolling contest and the lumberjack game.

[Toledo]

Why you're picking on Fred?

[Brett]

You just picture wiping herself off with the terrible towel.

[Carmen]

He was just pulling in, and I thought, oh, he's gotta have the radio on.

[Toledo]

You just saw a car go through the parking lot. That guy was born in a toilet. That's just. You just start your life so wrong. They always born of a crapper. Things haven't really gotten any better since. Till downhill from there. When your head goes into the. Pull him out of the hole.

[Brett]

Oh, he's got to wear glasses. It could have impaired his eyesight. Slamming into the toilet.

[Toledo]

Yeah, it's just nothing good about it. Get off the toilet if you're giving birth.

[Carmen]

Your mother and I just got done winning the wheelbarrow races at the picnic.

[Toledo]

What is wrong with you? Dad, was that a big baby? Well, you fit in the toilet.

[Brett]

Ask around your workplace today. One of those people was born in a toilet.

[Carmen]

Odds are there's gotta be some toilet.

[Brett]

He doesn't know what's going on.

[Toledo]

Keith didn't hear it. Oh, good. Hi, Fred. That is your Brady Report. Sorry, Fred. We'll talk later. It's 98K UPD, Arizona's most powerful rock radio station.

[John Holmberg]

He said fully erect.

[Carmen]

98K, UBT.

[Diane Fisher]

Hi, I'm Diane Fisher from Fisher Tools. From our humble beginnings in 1964 at the Phoenix park and swap to our 4 acre campus located just south of Tempe Marketplace off the 202 and McClintock. Fisher Tools has been building the valley for over 60 years. Come check us out and browse our huge selection of tools and anything you need to do the job right. We carry Milwaukee, DeWalt, Makita, Proto, and so much more. We're also [e-mail] cup KUPD listeners will receive 10% off their order when you mention this ad. Fisher Tools. If we don't have it, we can't sell it.