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John Holmberg
All right, HMS Podcast, time again to let you know where to go for some great comedy in the Valley this week. Get out to the Tempe Improv on the east side to see Paul Versey on Thursday and Beth Stelling Friday, Saturday and Sunday. The Desert Ridge Improv up North features Sarah Weinschenk this Thursday and Joe Derosa on Friday and Saturday. And downtown at Stand Up Live, check out the very funny Lil Rel performing Friday, Saturday and Sunday for the complete lineups. And for tickets, go to standuplive.com desertridgeimprov.com and tempeimprov.com it's John Holberg here.
Brady
For the amazing people at the Core Institute, life can throw you a curveball now and again. One day you're trucking along, feeling great. Next day your dog smashes into your head and knocks you cold. Or like a KUPD listener told me this week, his dog did a sprint across the backyard directly into the side of his wife's leg and blew her knee up. She needed that need to get fixed and fixed right. Two years later, she's running like she used to again. And it's all thanks to the Core Institute. I went through it, too. And you can get rid of your pain and start saying, yes, I can to all the things you want to do.
Dick Toledo
And.
Brady
And all you have to do is trust the Experts at the Core Institute head there right now.
Steven
The Core Institute.com the best of homework's morning sickness. I'm 98 KUPD.
Lil Rel
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Steven
This one says, I started the same thing. Dear Brady, I'm a Maya. I can't read those words without saying it that way. And I think he wants me to. He goes, I make 165k a year. Thanks. I got a wife. She does not work, and I'm okay with that. Take care of everything. Well, the other night, she sat me down in a very, very serious way and said we needed to talk. She told me I'm not meeting her needs, not sexually. Like I said, I'm a man. But she said I don't do enough around the house. And it's making her feel less than. And she's right. I don't vacuum, I don't mop, I don't clean the house, and I don't do the laundry. I froze, though, because I didn't know what to say. Everything in my head was going to make this worse. Like, without me, there isn't a house to clean. Not the right thing to say. What's my next move, Steven? That's a tough one.
Paul Versey
It is a tough one.
Dick Toledo
You.
Paul Versey
You have to, you know, here's the main thing on it. She's feeling very undervalued, and she brings a lot of that on herself. How you can fix that sometimes is by showing some appreciation.
Steven
Sure.
Paul Versey
I mean, because. And that might be tougher to do, but the minute you, you know, they start. It's a tough one, because if you're. Everything I've done, I've maintained this thing.
Steven
I provide, I provided it for you.
Paul Versey
It's pretty good life.
Steven
Your only job is to keep it up.
Paul Versey
But.
Steven
And you're telling me that now? That's that. Like, see, guys, usually I'm wildly guilty of this. Fall into the passive aggressive thing.
Dick Toledo
Yep.
Steven
And start saying, oh, okay. And you start doing the. Well, I need to let you know that I'll help out. Despite having this job. Like, you start feel. You start making him feel like, you know.
Dick Toledo
Yeah.
Steven
I want you to appreciate me. And me asking is a wimpy move as a man. So it's a.
Paul Versey
Figuring out that appreciation, too, is a tough one.
Steven
Right.
Paul Versey
Because sometimes it's not like, oh, hey, you know.
Steven
Right.
Paul Versey
Good.
Steven
Or you can get quickly resentful. If you start going, all right, I'll start acknowledging that. Because you'll start saying things like, man, the house is so clean. Thank you very much. And then your brain, you're like, where's mine? Where's my. Hey, thanks for working and paying for that. Like, you. Yeah, I'm guilty of that. Like, that's the thing I've had to work hard on. Because my brain will say, if you. If I need to recognize you, you better recognize me. And I get, like, immediately resentful. And it's not fair. It's not fair at all. But it does make you feel like, okay, if you're going to be that way, I'm going to be this way. Rather than saying, all right, I understand what you're saying. Because I think a guy takes that as an insult as, like, you're not doing enough around here. And your brain just goes, are you kidding me? Like, no guy Hears that and goes, you know what? You're right. We all. Yeah, we all get upset. Like, oh, I do plenty. You don't see, like, you know, that kind of thing. And yeah, cleaning up and all that.
Paul Versey
You can get fall into this trap a little bit too, and saying, wow, well, let's reverse roles.
Steven
Well, you see, there's the passive aggressive garbage. There's the thing where you're not listening. You're just saying, oh, yeah, what about me? And what you could do is sit down and go, all right, because she had the guts to tell you her needs aren't being met, what the needs.
Paul Versey
Are, and say, well, then how. How can I help?
Steven
Yeah, what do you need me to do?
Paul Versey
But then at the same time, you know, you would. You kind of like it to be back on the other side, too. Like, you'd like to hear from her.
Steven
But you gotta ask. You gotta ask if she's got the guts to say it, you have that. You have to have the guts to say, all right, cool. And you know, for most chicks picking up the girls have a weird thing. They move the tr. Trash. They don't take the trash out. They move it from where the trash goes to, like, by a door. And what you don't realize as a guy is that's your job now. It's by the door.
Paul Versey
Take the trash.
Steven
You. That's taking the trash out. But you just took it from here to there. I see what's going on now, but for a while there, when you'd look at that trash without saying a word to me, somehow I'm failing. Like, you moved it over there and didn't say anything, and I'm supposed to notice immediately and go do it.
Dick Toledo
I honestly thought that only happened to me.
Lil Rel
It happens to all of us, Every one of us.
Dick Toledo
Seriously, I've tripped over it, going out the door, going, oh, how'd that get there?
Steven
I figured you were doing something with it. Like, it's a project. Yeah, no, that's. Jesus, that's universal. Oh. And you start to realize when somebody has the courage to say, I do this thinking you'd notice. And you're like, I never have. And a woman has to hear I never have. As I think he's authentically saying he's never seen that before. He's not trying to be mean. And she has to say that. And you have to say, oh, she puts that there for me to do the rest.
Dick Toledo
Yeah, but he had the follow up on that, though, where like, okay, all right, I just tripped over the trash. I'LL take that out. And then you come back in, and she goes, you didn't put a bag back in the trash.
Steven
Well, no, I know there's. That's just the semantics of a noise.
Dick Toledo
That'S three steps beyond what I was allowing.
Steven
What most guys do when a wife says something like, I don't feel like I don't think they doing enough around here. And, you know, you're in a situation where she's not working, and you are, I've been there. And. And you're. And then you end up saying, well, then I need a blow job every day because I work my ass. You start getting all indignant and mean.
Lil Rel
And let me write this down here.
Steven
Yeah. This is the. If my needs aren't being met either. Because if. If it's about providing everything, you have to recognize that it's. It's a delicate.
Dick Toledo
I could be wrong, but I think that there's something in that, too. For guys to be able to say.
Steven
That, essentially, you just have to go, it's not that bad to take the garbage the rest of the way.
Lil Rel
In your mind, too, you're like, okay, so you took the garbage out, moved it by the door. You could have went another 40ft.
Steven
That's what I'm saying. If Brady went over here and took this trash can to the door and I didn't do anything about it afterwards, and he goes, what are you doing? We'd be in a fist fight. Like, shut up, idiot. You walked it to their finish.
Paul Versey
Exactly.
Steven
But as guys, we can do that. As a girl says it, and it's like, oh, I'm losing a test here. Like, something's going on. Yep, it is. All of us. And women. I kind of see now what you're saying. It took 50 years, but I kind of see, like, oh, I get it.
Lil Rel
Oh, there goes my text. You're an idiot.
Paul Versey
I was already texting.
Steven
They hate that.
Lil Rel
Oh, I know.
Steven
That's the most hard communication between the sexes ever is. Why do you only take the garbage to the door? Why don't you take it to the trash? You were doing that.
Lil Rel
You were, like, halfway finished.
Steven
You don't do anything around here. Like, you just make messes. Like, that's messy.
Paul Versey
It doesn't even make it to the door. My. Mine is just. Can you take the trash out for me, please? She won't pull it out of the thing.
Steven
Nice.
Paul Versey
Yeah.
Steven
She's asking instead of, like, the trash just laying in another room. And you're like, what's this for?
Dick Toledo
Multiple texts are saying, hey, Steven, you need her to become a dink with you.
Steven
Yeah. Get her in on this. Yeah. And then tell her, look, deep down, this is the truth. As a guy, you'll sit back and if you hear those words, you're like, look, I can't do this. I need you to provide.
Dick Toledo
Yeah.
Steven
I need you to kick in if.
Dick Toledo
There'S an issue, then you'll have value.
Steven
You'll stop value. You'll kill. And you can't help but have some resentment when somebody says you're not doing enough around here and you feel like you're doing it all. You throw a kid, you're not, right. Oh, forget it. With a kid in the mix, I can't imagine. But you're not that discussion.
Paul Versey
Like, here's the thing that happens to me. We had this over the time. What my worries is what would we do what would happen?
Steven
Right. Because, you know, no one's right. That's the bigger thing. Right. She's not right saying you're not fulfilling your end. And you're not right saying she's not doing her part. John holmberg's morning sickness.
Beth Stelling
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Dick Toledo
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Steven
Text too. There's not.
Dick Toledo
Here's one. F that indignant bitch. Hire a maid and let her know she's replaceable that's one.
Steven
Now there's a guy's brain working the same way. Brady took the trash to the door. Like hey Brady, when you take the.
Dick Toledo
Trash out, finish another one is I'd show her some appreciation. I'd buy her a brand new vacuum.
Lil Rel
There's a Dyson, get to work sister.
Steven
And ladies, this is what guys actually are thinking when you say stupid stuff like that. But guys, we have to be on the other side too. And recognize the brains don't operate correctly. I'm guessing it's a fact. Compared to ours they don't. And so you have to. Oh, I see what's going on. That was stupid. But I understand what you're doing. And they think that of us. But they're wrong. They're. Their brains are goofed up.
Dick Toledo
And then. I'm not sure who sent this one, but I guess women. You know, there are worse things.
Steven
Okay, yes, there's cancer. Shut up.
Lil Rel
Back in the dryer.
Steven
Put your head in the dryer.
Paul Versey
We're talking about this right now.
Lil Rel
Get stuck in the dryer.
Steven
Just shut up. That had to be from a woman because immediately my response was shut up. John.
Dick Toledo
My issue is she wants me to take out the trash before it's totally full. Trust me, I can always fit more trash in that container.
Steven
Let me tell you this.
Lil Rel
That's a guy's.
Steven
Yeah, my bathroom trash. I'm convinced I've broken a record. If you were to like try to peel out what's in I get my hands and smash you a self compactor. Brady taught me this at the Mongolian barbecue. You can mash that down into nothing. If you peeled it back, there'd be like vote Obama stickers in the bottom of my trash. It's a crazy mashed up thing.
Paul Versey
That little two gallon bathroom. When you pull that bag out of there, it weighs 40 pounds.
Steven
It's a time capsule.
Paul Versey
It turns into a 20 gallon.
Steven
God knows what's in there but memories.
Lil Rel
Billy had the worst one. Have a couple kids and make them do all the chores.
Steven
There's no not worth it. There's the reason to have kids. But I'd still rather just take the trash from the door. Absolutely.
Lil Rel
I'm in on that.
Steven
Ladies. Take it to the trash. We take it. It's been that way forever. And the faster we just accept that that's some sort of thing to them. As. As illogical as it is, it's not caving. It's just the stupidest thing I've ever thought of in my life. I'm Gonna take the trash to here.
Lil Rel
That's what I'm saying.
Steven
Why, why not just go. Oh, you take it the rest of the way. All right. I didn't know it was a relay race to the alley, but okay.
Lil Rel
The worst is a guy. You get like one of those ones like God damn it. I gotta walk around this trash bag.
Dick Toledo
Exactly, exactly.
Steven
Step over that thing. For years I've stepped over the trash. Why did she just take it to that?
Dick Toledo
Oh, it says John, I just had the my needs are not being met conversation with my stay at home life. Had to be real careful how I replied. You just have to be more vocal in your appreciation. Communicate what you do. Take the trash from the door to the thing instead of letting her know the BS you deal with. She don't care about that. She thinks you are great. Probably because you don't say what you're dealing with on a day to day basis.
Steven
Because we don't come home from work and bitch about all the girls at work. Exactly. We internal.
Paul Versey
The other thing is our job's a little different too because sometimes we're home.
Steven
Middle of the middle of the day and it does look pretty bad.
Paul Versey
And you have a blast at what you do.
Steven
Well then you do.
Paul Versey
That was early on.
Steven
You try it? Yeah.
Lil Rel
I have noticed you're still sleeping at 4:15 in the morning when I'm waking up.
Steven
And also I'm observing things cost. I talk with Tripp. I'm like. It's, it's. It wears your brain out. Constantly thinking, all right, what do we got going on? What I got. Tomorrow we're going to bed. That's my last thought every night for 20 something years. What's happening? How do I manufacture something and this and that? It's not easy, but it isn't roofing. But it's still dreaming. We're all bad. We're bad to them, they're bad to us. No one will ever. You know who the biggest problem in marriages? The goddamn Hefty corporation.
Dick Toledo
Yep.
Steven
Because they created those drawstring bags that are easy to move to the door. Yeah, they're easy to move to the door. And for some reason that's where leak proof. Ah, I'll just put this here and see if this can ever figure out where the trash goes. And that's what we're thinking about.
Lil Rel
You know it's not gonna happen.
Steven
They should print it on the top of the trash bag. Hey, take it all the way.
Dick Toledo
John, what about us?
Steven
Go all the way 1.
Paul Versey
Instead they invented the cinch fact Here.
Steven
This is easy to just drop next to the door, take it all the goddamn way.
Dick Toledo
John, what about us ladies that would love to be a stay at home wife? I'll take her place. Yeah, I enjoy sex. I just had to quit a second job if someone is willing to take care of me. We're out here. I'm here.
Steven
You'd be mopping.
Lil Rel
Yeah, well you shouldn't have dated the bass player from a local band.
Steven
Yeah, and I always picture that lady like so appreciative that she's got a sack of hefty over her shoulder. There's a gale force wind. She's got her arm up above her eyes as she walks all the way to the alley. Like, watch this. A woman going all the way to the alley to throw the trash out. It's in the worst storm you've ever seen. She's not leaving it by the door. But they do that and we step over it. We're both wrong.
Dick Toledo
John, how is this not the toilet seat up or down scenario? It really is in the same situation. Just grosser.
Steven
Yeah, it is.
Paul Versey
Just put it on the list.
Steven
The toilet. The toilet seat thing, it goes down.
Dick Toledo
Can we meet halfway? You do you up, down.
Steven
Why don't you lift it up when you're not using it and then I'll put it down when I'm done using. You lift up.
Lil Rel
Here we go.
Brady
I know.
John Holmberg
There we go.
Steven
Chicken and the egg. Gays. Gays have it figured out. That's what this guy, he's always down.
Dick Toledo
Gay household next to me. John, it goes like this. Honey, can you take out the trash? Of course, sweetheart. Let me wash my hands when I get back. And I'll blow you as well.
Steven
Yeah, let's both vacuum. Like that's what gay houses do. I'll get a vacuum too. Get done twice as fast and back to the blowjobs.
Lil Rel
So your neighbors are never having this argument? You don't hear them screaming over the fence about the trash?
Steven
Never. And the toilet seat? Never. Usually their argument is, you got in my hair. That's it.
Paul Versey
I told you not.
Steven
No, that's yours. No, that's yours. That's the only argument is who's whose. Gooey stuff is this.
Dick Toledo
Now we got somebody's guilt going. John, my husband pays all the bills. I work though. And I pay for the groceries and the kids needs and my phone because I bought it myself.
Paul Versey
I just want.
Dick Toledo
I just want your opinion. He makes a lot more money than me. A lot. But I don't ask him for money. But we both clean and cook. Does that mean I'm not doing enough?
Steven
No, but you feel like you're not because he makes more than you. So you've gotten competitive in your head on who's better and who's worse and what's going on. You keep. Yeah, you're feeling guilty. Otherwise you wouldn't have said, he makes more than me. What do I do? Like, he's sharing that with you.
Dick Toledo
He's comfortable with it.
Steven
He's happy with that? Yeah. Good. That's both of you. As long as you're not holding it over your head. And I've been guilty of that, too. Anyway, dad will never solve this problem. Take the goddamn garbage out. Everybody take the trash out. Do your job, man, woman or child.
Dick Toledo
John. Does no one wonder why gay houses are so neat and proper? Come on, put 2, 2, 3.
Steven
Let me tell you this. Cause the trash is never sitting by the door.
Dick Toledo
That's right.
Steven
Dude picks it up. I don't care how twinky he is. He's pulling it all the way out and he's walking it out to the big camp.
Lil Rel
It's not a slalom course to get to the garage.
Steven
I'm sort of a. It's your turn.
Lil Rel
Go, go.
Steven
I mean, they're so right that they usurped the word for happy from the late 1800s and made it them.
Dick Toledo
This sounds like it might have been been your dad, John. When I was about 12, I remember my mom went to my dad and told him they need to split the inside chores, and they made a list of who gets to do what. My dad said, okay, cool. I'm with that. Then he gave her a list back and said, these are the things that need to be done outside the house. Yeah, that ended the conversation right then and there. Never brought up again.
Steven
Or, yeah, I'm willing to go to work, come home and do half the housework. You gotta hit your knees four or five times a week. They don't like hearing that.
Dick Toledo
Is that all I'm good for?
Steven
If that were true, I wouldn't be here, right? All I'm good for is sex. I don't know. Let me check back from August when the last time it happened was, ladies.
Dick Toledo
Let this be your barometer. If you're feeling guilty about it, just blow.
Steven
Oh. And there you go.
Paul Versey
It goes away.
Steven
I should have a shirt that says lick the tip. There'll be no fight. I don't care how mad I am at you. If you're like, sorry, yeah, well, let that be a lesson to you. And then we're done. Simple animal.
Paul Versey
Look, I was a little hard on you.
Steven
Finish the goddamn trash, though. That's all I ask. Arizona's most powerful rock radio station. He said fully erect.
Episode: BEST OF HMS PODCASTS - MONDAY - December 30, 2024
Release Date: December 30, 2024
Host: John Holmberg
Co-Hosts: Brady Bogen, Bret Vesely, Dick Toledo
Guest: Lil Rel
In this episode of Holmberg's Morning Sickness on 98 KUPD, host John Holmberg, along with co-hosts Brady Bogen, Bret Vesely, and Dick Toledo, delves into the complexities of domestic relationships, particularly focusing on the challenges faced by stay-at-home spouses. The primary discussion revolves around a listener's dilemma where his wife feels her needs aren't being met concerning household responsibilities, leading to tension and misunderstandings within the marriage.
The core of the episode centers on a listener named Steven, who shares his predicament: despite earning a substantial income and having a wife who doesn't work outside the home, he faces criticism for not contributing enough to household chores. This scenario is not uncommon, and the hosts explore the underlying issues that can cause such friction in marriages.
Steven begins by expressing his confusion and defensiveness upon his wife’s complaint about his lack of participation in housework. He mentions,
"She said I'm not meeting her needs, not sexually. Like I said, I'm a man. But she said I don't do enough around the house."
[01:36] Steven
The discussion highlights that emotional fulfillment in a relationship extends beyond financial stability. Brady introduces the perspective of The Core Institute, emphasizing the importance of addressing physical and emotional pain, suggesting that trusts and understanding are crucial in resolving such domestic issues.
Paul Versey points out the listener's struggle with feeling undervalued despite providing financially:
"She's feeling very undervalued, and she brings a lot of that on herself. How you can fix that sometimes is by showing some appreciation."
[02:29] Paul Versey
Steven acknowledges his tendency toward passive aggression, noting:
"Guys usually I'm wildly guilty of this. Fall into the passive aggressive thing."
[03:12] Steven
The hosts discuss how passive-aggressive behaviors can deteriorate communication, making conflicts harder to resolve.
The conversation shifts toward actionable solutions. Paul suggests that expressing appreciation can mitigate feelings of being undervalued:
"To fix that sometimes is by showing some appreciation."
[02:29] Paul Versey
Steven struggles with expressing appreciation without feeling resentful:
"I start making him feel like, you know. I want you to appreciate me. And me asking is a wimpy move as a man."
[03:26] Steven
The hosts emphasize the importance of open communication and understanding each other's perspectives to bridge the emotional gap.
A significant portion of the discussion revolves around a metaphorical incident where Steven's dog moves the trash, leading to a bigger argument about household responsibilities. This serves as a case study for the broader issues of miscommunication and unmet expectations in relationships.
Dick Toledo shares a relatable anecdote:
"Seriously, I've tripped over it, going out the door, going, oh, how'd that get there?"
[05:46] Dick Toledo
Lil Rel adds humor while underscoring the universality of such domestic disputes:
"It happens to all of us, Every one of us."
[05:50] Lil Rel
The hosts collectively agree that seemingly minor household tasks can become significant points of contention when emotional needs are not addressed.
The episode also touches upon traditional gender roles and how they influence expectations within a household. Steven reflects on his own upbringing and the implicit responsibilities he assumed:
"Because we don't come home from work and bitch about all the girls at work. Exactly. We internal."
[13:24] Steven
Paul Versey and Lil Rel bring in perspectives on how different households, including gay households, manage chores more equitably, suggesting that shared responsibilities lead to fewer conflicts:
"Honey, can you take out the trash? Of course, sweetheart. Let me wash my hands when I get back."
[16:00] Dick Toledo
Emotional Fulfillment is Multifaceted: Financial provision alone is insufficient for marital satisfaction. Emotional and physical contributions to household responsibilities play a crucial role in meeting a partner's needs.
Effective Communication is Essential: Open and honest dialogue about expectations and responsibilities can prevent misunderstandings and resentment.
Appreciation and Recognition Matter: Regularly acknowledging each other's efforts fosters a sense of being valued and can alleviate feelings of being undervalued.
Challenging Traditional Gender Roles: Adopting a more equitable distribution of household tasks, regardless of gender, can lead to healthier and more harmonious relationships.
Humor as a Coping Mechanism: Incorporating humor, as demonstrated by Lil Rel and others, can ease tension and make discussions about sensitive topics more approachable.
Steven on Defensiveness:
"But I'm telling you that now? That's that. Like, see, guys, usually I'm wildly guilty of this."
[03:00] Steven
Paul Versey on Feeling Undervalued:
"She's feeling very undervalued... by showing some appreciation."
[02:29] Paul Versey
Dick Toledo on Universal Issues:
"Seriously, I've tripped over it... going out the door."
[05:46] Dick Toledo
Lil Rel on Shared Experiences:
"It happens to all of us, Every one of us."
[05:50] Lil Rel
Steven on Internalizing Issues:
"Because we don't come home from work and bitch about all the girls at work. Exactly. We internal."
[13:24] Steven
Dick Toledo on Equitable Households:
"Honey, can you take out the trash? Of course, sweetheart."
[16:00] Dick Toledo
This episode of Holmberg's Morning Sickness offers a candid exploration of the challenges faced by stay-at-home spouses when emotional and domestic needs are not adequately addressed. Through relatable anecdotes, humorous interjections, and thoughtful discussions, the hosts provide valuable insights into improving communication and fostering appreciation within relationships. The conversation underscores the importance of moving beyond traditional roles and embracing a more balanced approach to household responsibilities to ensure mutual satisfaction and harmony in marriage.