BEST OF HMS PODCASTS - MONDAY - January 20, 2025 - BR - MIX - 7x - John Breaks Down Prince Charming And Cinderella - Jan 2023

Summary

Holmberg's Morning Sickness - Arizona Episode: BEST OF HMS PODCASTS - MONDAY - January 20, 2025
Host: John Holmberg
Release Date: January 20, 2025

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Overview

In this "Best Of" episode from January 2025, Holmberg's Morning Sickness features a lively and humorous discussion led by host John Holmberg alongside his co-hosts Bret Vesely and Dick Toledo. The episode delves into a comedic analysis of the classic fairy tale "Cinderella," explores relatable everyday topics like cooking spaghetti, shares amusing anecdotes about lifeguard shortages, and wraps up with entertaining stories about bizarre dating experiences sourced from Reddit's Ask Women.

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1. Deconstructing Cinderella and Prince Charming

The episode kicks off with a spirited critique of the timeless "Cinderella" story. John Holmberg and Bret Vesely dissect the characters and plot, highlighting flaws and injecting their signature humor.

• Character Critique:

  • John Holmberg humorously mocks Prince Charming's intelligence, stating, "Cinderella is the new perspective as a man, we don't acknowledge your existence until you look good. That's the message." (04:00)
  • Bret Vesely adds to the banter by emphasizing the unrealistic standards set by the story, saying, "She's black. That's a black actress playing that. She's not the one you were making out with five minutes ago." (04:25)

• Plot Flaws:

  • The hosts point out the illogical aspects of the prince searching for Cinderella solely based on the glass slipper, questioning his decision-making process. John remarks, "He just wanted some ass. All right, shoe fits. Let's go." (08:28)

• Audience Engagement:

  • They share personal experiences of watching the Cinderella play at the Phoenix Theater, describing fellow audience members and amusing incidents, such as a veteran who fell asleep during the performance. John comments, "I giggled and laughed the whole time... he's asleep again." (04:15)

2. The Great Spaghetti Sauce Debate

Transitioning from fairy tales to culinary delights, the conversation shifts to the preferences for different spaghetti sauces. John and Bret engage in a playful debate over brands like Ragu, Prego, and Mama's Gravy.

• Brand Preferences:

  • John Holmberg advocates for Ragu, stating, "Rouse is the best if you're in a pinch." (13:21)
  • Bret Vesely supports Mama's Gravy, joking, "I think you Italians get mouthy real fast. His real name's Vinnie Passini or something." (14:26)

• Taste Test Humor:

  • They humorously speculate on whether consumers can distinguish between homemade and jarred sauces, with John suggesting, "Most Italians couldn't tell mama's gravy from the rouse or the prego." (14:10)

• Culinary Mishaps:

  • The duo shares exaggerated scenarios about cooking, such as making spaghetti directly in hot water and the humorous aftermath involving the scent of Italian food influencing their experiences.

3. Lifeguard Shortages and Swimming Lessons

The conversation takes a turn towards public safety and recreational training, addressing the shortage of lifeguards and the challenges of teaching adults to swim.

• Lifeguard Training Issues:

  • Bret Vesely highlights the problem, "You'd have a hard time getting lifeguards if one of the things you have to do is teach them to swim." (23:10)

• Personal Experiences:

  • John Holmberg shares his limited scuba diving experience, describing the physical sensation of underwater pressure: "You can feel the weight of the water. It's a very strange kind of sensation the first few times you go under." (17:11)

• Instructor Insights:

  • They discuss the difficulties instructors face in getting untrained adults to commit to lifeguard roles, emphasizing the necessity of genuine interest and aptitude for water safety.

4. Hilarious Alien and Flex Seal Analogies

Injecting their trademark humor, the hosts draw parallels between popular culture references and everyday products.

• Flex Seal Comedy:

  • John Holmberg mocks Flex Seal advertisements by imagining absurd scenarios, saying, "How are you gonna get out of there? You're sealed in." (24:14)

• Alien Movie References:

  • The duo humorously critiques the unrealistic portrayal of alien technology in films, linking it to the overuse of products like KY Jelly for fictional purposes.

5. Bizarre Dating Stories from Reddit's Ask Women

Concluding the episode, John and Bret delve into user-submitted weird dating stories from Reddit, sharing laughs over unconventional and awkward first dates.

• Weird Date Highlights:

  • John Holmberg recounts a story where a woman expected lunch but was taken to a gun range: "That's pretty good. One." (30:52)
  • Bret Vesely shares multiple anecdotes, including a date involving watching "Sausage Party" on a phone and attempting to kiss during an inappropriate movie scene: "That guy's got a great sense of humor." (27:41)

• Personal Reflections:

  • John, admitting his inexperience, humorously reflects on his own lack of traditional dating experiences, enhancing the relatability and comedic value of the segment.

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Notable Quotes

• John Holmberg:
  "Cinderella is the new perspective as a man, we don't acknowledge your existence until you look good."
  (04:00)

• Bret Vesely:
  "She's black. That's a black actress playing that. She's not the one you were making out with five minutes ago."
  (04:25)

• John Holmberg:
  "Rouse is the best if you're in a pinch."
  (13:21)

• Bret Vesely:
  "You'd have a hard time getting lifeguards if one of the things you have to do is teach them to swim."
  (23:10)

• John Holmberg:
  "Cereal comes out and it makes your poop smell like Italian food."
  (14:50)

• Bret Vesely:
  "That guy's got a great sense of humor."
  (27:41)

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Conclusion

This episode of Holmberg's Morning Sickness masterfully blends sharp wit with relatable topics, from dissecting fairy tales to navigating the complexities of modern dating. Host John Holmberg and his co-hosts Bret Vesely and Dick Toledo deliver a blend of insightful humor and engaging conversation, ensuring listeners are entertained and amused throughout. Whether critiquing classic stories or sharing personal anecdotes, the trio's chemistry and comedic timing shine, making this episode a memorable installment of Arizona's favorite morning radio show.

Transcript

[John Holmberg]

All right, HMS Podcast, time again to let you know where to go for some great comedy in the Valley this week. Get out to the Tempe Improv on the east side to see Paul Versey on Thursday and Beth Stelling Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. The Desert Ridge Improv up north features Sarah Weinschenk this Thursday and Joe Derosa on Friday and Saturday. And downtown at Stand Up Live, check out the very funny Lil Rel performing Friday, Saturday and Sunday for the complete lineups. And for tickets, go to standuplive.com desertridgeimprov.com and tempeimprov.com it's John Holberg here. For the amazing people at the Core Institute, life can throw you a curveball now and again. One day you're trucking along, feeling great. Next day your dog smashes into your head and knocks you cold. Or like a KUPD listener told me this week, his dog did a sprint across the backyard directly into the side of his wife's leg and blew her knee up. She needed that need to get fixed and fixed right? Two years later, she's running like she used to again. And it's all thanks to the Core Institute. I went through it, too. And you can get rid of your pain and start saying, yes, I can to all the things you want to do. And. And all you have to do is trust the experts at the Core Institute. Head there right now. The Core Institute.com the best of the morning sickness is on the air 98 KUPD do any of you people do any actual work? The Best of Homburg's Morning Sickness well, just to get back to it real quick, because Brett's girl Medea texted over and said, you guys are idiots. You wouldn't recognize me without makeup on. What'd you say? I said I'd recognize that ass. That's right. Turn around. I'll know you're my cind. Cinderella girl. Cinderella is the new perspective is as a man, we don't acknowledge your existence until you look good. That's the message. That's true. I never. And I saw it live. I snored through a good portion. The best part about seeing Cinderella at the Phoenix Theater was the people in front of us. There was a guy who was a veteran of Afghanistan or Iraq. I don't know. He had that. He was a younger guy, but he had his hat on him. Like, the second the play started. His wife clearly made him do this. The second the thing started, he's nustled up into his chest out like a light gone through all the singing and screeching and all the. Out like a light. And I giggled and laughed the whole time. And then intermission happened. Lights comes on, his head bobs up he goes. He gets a drink. He comes back down, sits down, he's asleep again. But, yeah, Cinderella, it was. It's the stupidest story I've. I don't. I don't remember it being that dumb. And Prince Charming is an idiot. He's got the shoe, see? And he's trying to find that special lady he just got done making out with. And then girls who clearly aren't her, he still tries to put the shoe on. Nope, not you. Well, no, it's not her. She's black. That's a black actress playing that. She's not the one you were making out with five minutes ago. You can start to, through the process of elimination, just kind of wean out that one. That one's seven feet tall. She only wears Jordans, not a glass slipper. So obviously, glass Jordans would be pretty awesome. The size six and a half here is what we're looking for. If you've got anything bigger than that, just get out of line. You're wasting my time. But, nope, the stepsisters go up with their red hair and their blonde hair, and he's like, I don't know. It could be her. How dumb is this guy? But again, the message sent was, ladies, unless you're in a ball gown and totally dolled up for us, we're gonna pretend like we don't know you so you can walk around in that hobo moo moo at home and act like we know. Sorry. I'm gonna call the police. Ma'am, you shouldn't be here. My wife is a beautiful woman in a ball with a tiara on all the time. Otherwise, you're a stranger, Cinderella. That's a great answer to that. You wouldn't recognize me without makeup, Brett. I recognize that fat ass. All right, you turn around, make sure you're mine. Yeah, that's you. Go put some makeup on. You look like a hobo. You're a dick. Huh? I like to watch you walk away when you look like this. Is that my T shirt? And are those pants? Or did you make those out of dirt and clay? I'm not always gonna be dressed up. I'm sorry. I'm calling the police. I don't know who this woman is. Please, please. Yes, There's a strange woman in my house dressed as a hobo.

[Brett]

We gotta break in.

[John Holmberg]

I am his wife. I think she's demented. She's crazy. I would never marry something that looks like that. Would you? Here's some pictures. Here's a picture of my wife. My God, she's beautiful. Is it a tiara in a ball gown? Yeah, that's how she always looks. Who's this? I don't know. I don't know who the hell that is. You gotta get her out of here. I'm pressing charges now. If she's willing to put a tear in a ball gown home, maybe it is her, but she's in some sort of weird hobo disguise right now. She's screaming at me. Sure.

[Brett]

Like you're at people's houses and, like, you go through. And they have the wedding picture up there and you'll kind of.

[John Holmberg]

Well, you look at her now, it's like, woof, man.

[Brett]

Oh, that was her.

[John Holmberg]

Who ate your wife? Like the lady that. The lady that. Your wife. She had to stay, I guess, like it was part of the deal. After eating your wife, she lost a bet. Said, if I can eat your wife, can I live here? Because that's what happened. Yeah. Some giant woman ate my wife. Now she's my new wife. There's similarity in the eyes. Yeah. Yeah. After she ate my wife, she kind of took on some of her features. She's over £150 bigger than this picture. Yep. That beast over there just devoured her. And so different for the guy. Sometimes you look at a guy in a picture in the wedding. My God, you had hope. You were a strapping young man. Look at you now.

[Brett]

Played quarterback.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. And that's what he's still talking about. You know, it's over. I was quarterback at high school, and then this big fat guy ate that quarterback. Yeah. It's pretty much what happened. He took over this big, fat body. I like this new Cinderella rule. We should implement this because they're still running it at that Phoenix theater. If you want to go see it. The actors are good. Everything. It's very gay, though. All the. Like, a lot of the guys. You're not buying the fact that they're into Cinderella. It's like, no, that guy doesn't. He likes Prince Charming. He wants to try that shoe on. Tweaking around a little too much. He's doing. He did the twirls like naturally. Let's find you a match. He didn't have to rehearse the dance too long. He's been doing that his whole life. Prince Charming. It's just time to find a special lady. Like I've got. Let's get Prince Charming something more than a beard here.

[Brett]

Another family alliance.

[John Holmberg]

We don't talk about. Anyway. Cinderella. A whole new perspective on Cinderella, ladies. I'm doing it. Come home today and swing that door open. Ah. Get out of my house. Intruder. Intruder. She has to run to the bathroom and put her face on real quick. That's why June Cleaver was so awesome. And are my 92. There are look.

[Brett]

Yes.

[John Holmberg]

My 92 year old lady Paula says a woman my age should never ever be seen without her face on. Always. And I swear to God, this woman looks fantastic. Every time I see her, she is done. She gets up first thing in the morning and does her hair. That's a lost art for ladies. That doesn't happen at your house or my house or your house. They don't pop up and go, I gotta get ready for the day. You give them that hour instead. What time are we leaving? Five. All right. Like 3:30. Then everything goes to hell and you're in some sort of rush. If they were like their grandmothers, they'd get up in the morning and be ready for the day. I have Cinderella style buddies, that great.

[Brett]

Stuff, but at the same time. And one friend that it was an intruder. I had no idea that was her. Yeah, that's how much face makeup was applied.

[John Holmberg]

All right. Well never, I mean never be seen without it then that's it. If that's how you present yourself, then that's it. I don't want to see you without it. Cinderella. That's the Cinderella syndrome. You're not done up, you're going to jail. I don't know who you are. Women love those things. Cinderella is like a story. Women drag men to go see the play. I was there. I witnessed it. That's their party. They love that story because they see it as Prince Charming sweeping them off their feet. What they don't see was if another girl fit into that shoe, she won. He didn't care who it was. He just wanted some ass. All right, shoe fits. Let's go. That's not her shoes fitting her close enough. There's a lot of size sevens in the world, sister. You're not the only one. Oh it just dependent on where you are in line. I like it. Yeah, because no matter who the shoe, he didn't care about your personality. He just wanted the girl who fit in the shoe.

[Brett]

Quite a.

[John Holmberg]

Can you imagine if it was like Brittney Griner's shoe or something? It was a size 17. She gets a big Ass. Feet. Oh, no. How you doing, player? I think that's my shoe. Oh, sweet Jesus, I hope. Ah, it doesn't fit. Yes, it does.

[Brett]

Wiggle it, wiggle it.

[John Holmberg]

I'm like, I don't want to wiggle it. It'll go on. Wiggle it. Prince Stroman, you're my man.

[Brett]

Oh, great. Forever. At least they condensed it down because in Cinderella there would be that situation where, like, we don't even have to try.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, well, no, of course. But that's. That's how stupid the Prince Charming was. He looked at girls. That and he still tried to put it on her big ass foot. Like you can do the eye test. He was an idiot. Prince Charming had no idea who. He's like, Alzheimer's. I don't know who I was making out with, but I found her shoe. So there's no way you could convince me through voice recognition or something. You said like she could have come up and said, hey, we shared a moment last night. Remember that thing I told you and then you kissed me?

[Brett]

I was one of dance.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, I was in the yellow dress. I told you this, you told me that. Oh, that is her. No, the shoe was the only way to determine that. Cuz he's an idiot.

[Brett]

But you're looking me in the eyes.

[John Holmberg]

I don't know. Look, you think I remember what you said? I was trying to get laid. Is this your shoe or not?

[Brett]

Hello, world.

[John Holmberg]

Hi.

[Brett]

Happy National Spaghetti Day.

[John Holmberg]

Hey, there you go. A little ragu tonight. Pull it right out of that box. Put it in the hot water.

[Brett]

Ragu, Prego. What are you doing?

[John Holmberg]

If you had to pick one out of a jar. If I had to. What's a good one? Probably the rouse. Oh, rouse is good. He's nodding and.

[Brett]

Oh, yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, yeah. Of course you have.

[Brett]

That's a good bottle. Gravy.

[John Holmberg]

You're gonna do it. You wouldn't know in four bowls in front of you which one was rouse and which one wasn't. Oh, yeah. No, you'd just be four empty bowls, one you liked a little more than the other.

[Brett]

He'd get to the bottom of this.

[John Holmberg]

Every bowl, every bowl would be licked clean.

[Brett]

That's a good bottle.

[John Holmberg]

That second one wasn't as good as the third. They're all the same. Just be four empty bowls, one you liked a little more than the other.

[Brett]

He'd get to the bottom of this.

[John Holmberg]

Every bowl, every bowl would be licked clean.

[Brett]

That's a good bottle.

[John Holmberg]

That second one wasn't as good as the third. They're all the same. Visit Holmberg's morning sickness online at 98kupd.com.

[Brett]

College hoops are here and there's no.

[John Holmberg]

Better place to catch the action than Hooters.

[Brett]

Fuel up with a baller bundle 10.

[John Holmberg]

Boneless wings, crispy fries, dressing and a fountain drink starting at just 9.99. Want to level up your game day experience? Swap the fountain drink for a Beat.

[Brett]

The Buzzer special featuring your choice of Beatbox or Buzz balls for a low price.

[John Holmberg]

This offer is for game days only.

[Brett]

So grab your crew, enjoy the action.

[John Holmberg]

And feast on the flavors you love.

[Brett]

Only at Hooters.

[John Holmberg]

The original wing joint since 1983. Hey, it's Larry McFeely here with Wayne.

[Brett]

From Amco and Wayne.

[John Holmberg]

Now that it's getting warmer, I turned on the AC in my car and the air's blowing.

[Brett]

Kind of cool, but it really smells like a basement. What can I do about that?

[John Holmberg]

Larry? Your car's AC system should be checked and serviced. Plus replacing the cabin air filter helps the air blow strong and takes away any nasty smell. Nice.

[Brett]

Is that a big deal to get done?

[John Holmberg]

Not at all. It takes about an hour and in most cases we can do it while you wait.

[Brett]

That's awesome.

[John Holmberg]

I'll say We're Amco. Google Amco for your nearest location. That's Amco Double A, MCO transmissions and a whole lot more. Hi, I'm Diane Fisher from Fisher Tools. From our humble beginnings in 1964 at the Phoenix park and swap to our 4 acre campus located just south of Tempe Marketplace off the 202. Emma Clintock Fisher Tools has been building the valley for over 60 years. Come check us out and browse our huge selection of tools and anything you need to do the job right. We carry Milwaukee, DeWalt, Makita, Proto and so much more. We're also [e-mail] KUPD listeners will receive 10% off their order when you mention this ad. Fisher Tools. If we don't have it, we can't sell it. This is Michael with Restore My Civil Rights. I made a lot of poor decisions in my past that had lifelong consequences. After I was released from prison for the last time in 2014, I discovered the process to have my convictions dismissed and all of my rights restored, including my Second Amendment rights. Since achieving this for myself in 2018, our attorney has assisted over 3,000 others in doing the same. If you are still living under the consequences of past mistakes and would like to restore your rights as I have, visit restoremycivilrights.com and book a free consultation today. Holmberg's morning sickness. You nodding away? I'll take it from over here. From. Actually had mama's gravy. Rouse is the closest thing, huh? I would say. So. You take the pasta out of the box. You pour the rouse on. No, you make the pasta first. You pour it into the hot water, half of it sticking out, and you spin it a little bit and then the other and just take it out whenever he's got a process. And then. And then. What is it? Just salt, little pepper, and you're done. What's what? Just. That's it. Noodles. Salt. Salt noodles. You can pour on the prego. And some olive oil and some. Some garlic. That's ridiculous. That's in the sauce.

[Brett]

What are you doing? You're offending it.

[John Holmberg]

I'm trying to get him to admit it. He's had it. You've poured the. The sticks into the hot water. What? Out of a box? Oh, yeah. Everybody has. Of course.

[Brett]

Yeah, yeah.

[John Holmberg]

That pure. Do I do it regularly? No, no. Nobody does it regularly. I used to love that.

[Brett]

Is there certain that you'll buy on those spaghetti?

[John Holmberg]

What is it that. The Barelli. That's all right. Yeah. I don't care. It all tastes the same. You don't go to the Falcos and get the stuff that's actually out of the box now. I'll just make it myself. It all tastes the same to me. And I have a theory. I have a theory that most Italians couldn't tell mama's gravy from the rouse or the prego. You're going to have to do that. We have to eventually have to do.

[Brett]

The Pepsi challenge with.

[John Holmberg]

With sauce. I think if you couldn't hear me going, I could open up one of those Chef Boyardees and mix it up. You'd be like, it's not as good as this, but you know that. I know Chef Boyardee because that just tastes like watery.

[Brett]

Yes.

[John Holmberg]

I'd eat it, though.

[Brett]

Would you?

[John Holmberg]

I don't care. I'm. Oh, no. Not like. If I was starving, that wouldn't be something I'd turn away. If I was starving and it was just coconut, I'd starve to death. If it was just nothing but Chef Boyardee, I'd choke that down. That's not so bad. Do you ever eat a Stouffer's lasagna? I'm sure I did when I was a kid or something. I like those French bread pizzas. Oh, those things. Just saying his Italian thing.

[Brett]

But you could tell a Stouffer's lasagna.

[John Holmberg]

Do I just.

[Brett]

So if you.

[John Holmberg]

So if you pulled out, if you go to cereal and had the lasagna back when that was still there and pull out the Stouffers, you couldn't tell. You're talking about cereal. Exactly. Cereal is different. I spent because I'm not spending 300 on a plate of mama's gravy, but cereal let me know. This is special. Well, that's like, perhaps the next day. I just text him. The next morning, I'm like, my feces that just came out of me smells as good as it went in. It smelled like, my God. Cereal comes out and it makes your poop smell like Italian food. Not. There was no bile or human waste. Nope. You put that on a plate ready to go again and just put a blind man in there and said, here's some lasagna. He'd be like, oh, that smells so good. It was amazing. So, yeah, cereal, Come on. That's not a fair comparison, but 90% of people eating prego and box noodles, you're not gonna know. I could tell you mama made it. You'd be like, oh, not bad. This guy says, Brett knows what's up. Rouse is the best if you're in a pinch. Also, every real Italian can tell the difference between any sauce instantly. This is where I think you Italians get into trouble. The word instantly always gets tossed in there. There's a noticeable difference in the jarred BS and the real effing guinea stuff. Signed Taylor. I don't. I think you guys just overshoot your mark. Taylor. Shouldn't that come from, like, an Antonio or something? Nobody named Taylor. It's short for Antonio. Taylor's not enough.

[Brett]

It's a relocation name.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, that's true. That's true. By the way, I'm Taylor Johansson, and I've had it with you non stop. Talk about ragu. I just think you Italians get mouthy real fast. His real name's Vinnie Passini or something. He's from the Bronx. That's it. I'm firing off. I go by Taylor now. How you doing? My name's Taylor.

[Brett]

That's it.

[John Holmberg]

My son Braden, and my daughter Hannah. Now I go, I'm Taylor. And.

[Brett]

Yeah, come on, a couple of baseless fun facts. At depth of 1,000ft, water pressure can reach about 440 pounds per square inch. Pressure like that would crumple most human lungs immediately upon exposure.

[John Holmberg]

How deep?

[Brett]

You're crushed. 1,000.

[John Holmberg]

1,000Ft. I know. I was talking to A friend of mine who scuba dives the other night, and he went into a place called the Blue Hole, I think it was in Belize, showed me pictures. It's unbelievable. And he said he dove. And he told me the distance with the depths. And the most I've ever done is about 30ft. Because in Australia, you don't have to be certified at all. At least the thing I did. They just strapped scuba gear on me and gave me a quick walk through. And the next thing you know, I'm swimming. And I was good at it. I didn't know I was going to be good at it. And I'm with the diver, and he's going down 30, 35ft. And you can feel the weight of the water. It was weird. And I'm like. Like, kind of like, that's enough. And he just gave me the okay sign that we're good, and then he left. And I just. You could just feel this is as far down as I need to go. And then, you know, you get to 100ft. I can't imagine. You got to get used to that. That will. You feel the weight of the water. It's a very strange kind of sensation the first few times you go under.

[Brett]

I did the same thing in Hawaii. You could go with a PADI instructor.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brett]

Same thing on the boat. They run you through a little flip chart of.

[John Holmberg]

Here's your respirator signal.

[Brett]

And I'm with our buddy Jim Wilson.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, that's who I'm.

[Brett]

And the girl that was instructing us. Japanese girl. She's very pretty, but she broke in English flip doing the flip chart. And I could follow along. And Jim, that's the first time he said, I can't stand Asian people.

[John Holmberg]

He's an Asian man.

[Brett]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Racist against his own. Yeah. That diving thing is weird. Australia. I told him. Do I need to sign anything? Well, full might. I don't know, any, like, liability thing. You're doing this of your own free will, Correct? Okay. Who you gonna sue? Mate yourself, stupid. I guess you have a great point. In America, we would blame you if I dove in here by myself and killed myself. Yeah, that would be dumb. You're putting the suit on. I'm not forcing you to do this. It's true.

[Brett]

Denny's isn't named after anyone. It started as a donut shop called Danny's Donuts in Lakewood, California. The founders picked Danny because he's. It started with a D, and they like donuts. They eventually changed it to Denny's because people were confusing it with the chain called Coffee Dan's.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, where is Coffee Dan's now? Yeah, Coffee Dan's is no longer there now. It's a twink festival over there on Camelback and 7th street at the Gay Denny's. Named after no one, but definitely named after something. Denny. Want to go to Denny's? Yes. How much just toilet ass is going on in that bathroom at the Gay Denny's?

[Brett]

They redesigned it.

[John Holmberg]

It's just gotta be Glory hole. It's gotta be. It looks like a whack. A mole wall. It's just dorks flying in at you when you're trying to pee. Like the guy you used to work with. With a yellow hand or something. Yeah, John Yellow. Put the glove on. Can you imagine doing that at the Gay Denny's? Having to do the bathroom? Yep. You have to put that glove up to his shoulder and clean out those boxes in the ladies room. But the Gay Denny's is a different beast. Yeah.

[Brett]

Changed up the diaper. Changing stance. It's a full twin bed. It just falls down.

[John Holmberg]

Yellow Hand. The Murphy bed is coated in feces and the rubber bucket is full. Poor Yellow Hand had to go in there. That big yellow glove. And as long as the sun shall rise in the east, Yellow Hand shall clear out the tampon box on Monday.

[Brett]

And a new survey from Quest Diagnostics.

[John Holmberg]

Love that guy. I want Bill. If you. If anybody knows where Bill Osborne is, He's probably about 76 years old now. Please, by all means, put him in touch with me. I want. I want to be there for his last words, because they're gonna be amazing. He was 50 when you went.

[Brett]

I thought he was.

[John Holmberg]

No, no, he was. This was 1987 when I met him, and he was 35. So we're talking nearly 40 years ago. He's got to be in his early 70s. We gotta find him. We need a PI just to see what he grew into because he was Gene Wilder. With Jack Nicholson's attitude and voice, it was an amazing combination. And, boy, that poor John Rodriguez would come in there. There's our Native American friend. He's Mexican. I know, but he's so red. How. Yellow Hand. Shut up, Bill. Don't tell your management to shut up. I'm not Custer. Anyway, Yellow Hand, as the beasts of the tundra wander through the silver box filled with menstruation pads, visit Homebird's morning sickness [e-mail]. Hey, everybody, it's John Holmberg from the Morning Sickness talking to Shane Orlando from Orlando Autobody. Now, Shane I take great pride in saying I stand with someone when I tell a listener to go to their shop. I know why. You tell me what's different for a KUPD listener to go to Orlando Auto Body than anywhere else? Well, first of all, we've been in valley here for over 34 years. We do a quality job. We work for you, not the insurance companies, so that we can work together to make sure your listeners are getting the customer service they deserve. If your car's been wrecked and you need that thing fixed the right way, get on over there now. Orlandoautobody.com It's Dick Toledo and new customers right now on FanDuel. Get $150 in bonus bets when your.

[Brett]

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[John Holmberg]

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[Brett]

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[Brett]

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[Brett]

Philadelphia is so desperate for lifeguards. It's coming swim season. They're offering people you can become a lifeguard. You don't even have to know how to swim.

[John Holmberg]

Just point it out.

[Brett]

They'll teach you to swim before you take the chair.

[John Holmberg]

You'd hope so.

[Brett]

Yeah. So you got about a couple of months of swim lessons. So throw in because of the pandemic. And then it opened back up and then 20, 21 more people started swimming.

[John Holmberg]

I'll tell you, this shortage of lifeguards, you're gonna have a hard time getting lifeguards if one of the things you have to do is teach them to swim. Because if adults haven't taken the time to learn to swim, they're not gonna be real gung ho about learning it for a job. So it's not really tapping into this.

[Brett]

They're hoping someone's like, you know what? If only time I learned to swim.

[John Holmberg]

I really want to be a lifeguard, but I never took the time to learn to swim. They're not exactly signing up for the lifeguard position if they can't swim. They're not interested in water.

[Brett]

We'll see how that works out.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, they're in the water. They're employable. Yeah, I stay out of that wooter Philly water, forget it. They flex. Have you seen the new Flex Seal guy? He does that fake house and he flex seals all the gaps in the windows and does it on the door. Flex seal tape and water can't get in. And then he's standing in the house. Somehow or another they open a dam and now the house is like under five feet of water. No, I'm standing inside. Not a drop of water. I'm like, how are you gonna get out of there? You're sealed in. And somehow the magically this computer roof lifts off and he's in the middle.

[Brett]

Going, look, not a drop of water.

[John Holmberg]

It's been a horrible flood in your area, sir. There's fish in the window. No joke. And that's how they convince you that Flex Seal can. It can turn your house into. You know, if Deliverance happens in your neighborhood, you'll be fine.

[Brett]

All the alien drool in the movie Aliens. It's KY jelly.

[John Holmberg]

Ew.

[Brett]

Expensive.

[John Holmberg]

I'm sure they got a deal happened to you, Ronnie, I'd love to have sex with your dryness, but it's a little pricey to put the old juice.

[Brett]

They got a deal because they put the KY logo up in the spaceship.

[John Holmberg]

So I'm gonna do something that Brett taught me. I'm not spending money on KY jelly.

[Brett]

No, I'm saying they buy it in bulk, Brady.

[John Holmberg]

They're not buying like a budget that'd.

[Brett]

Be great for product placement.

[John Holmberg]

She holds a budget of aliens was based on their ky. That's killing us. We're way over, Sigourney. Can you take your 5 million for the movie down to 4.6? We got to buy more KY Jelly. Hey, Ridley, pushing our budget here. KY Jelly, $79.

[Brett]

You're killing me.

[John Holmberg]

I'll do it the old fashioned way.

[Brett]

The original design for the Space Needle in Seattle looked like a big balloon floating up from the ground. Eventually it evolved into the final design. The balloon became a flying saucer.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, it's neat.

[Brett]

It's bad etiquette to eat a hot dog in more than five bites. At least according to the National Hot Dog and Sausage Council.

[John Holmberg]

What kind of hoity toity party you at that's serving hot dogs anyway?

[Brett]

Unless it's a foot long to worry about, seven bites is acceptable.

[John Holmberg]

You don't want to get the hot dog juice. Enjoying your Hebrew national dog? That's Brady's new nickname. Hebrew National All Beef Kosher Jelly is expensive. He's actually that just. You know that if the backstory on that Is. Well, I better go get some of that. Well, looks like we're gonna stay dry for a little while. There's a drought at my house because I'm not spending money on that. I didn't realize the price was so high.

[Brett]

Any way we can film the alien without to drool?

[John Holmberg]

Because just from that one sentence, I know you shopped it, it was too much and you didn't buy it. That's too much. I better go grab some of that.

[Brett]

Unless I can get a 10 for 10.

[John Holmberg]

It's so expensive. Grab some Crisco out of the cabinet and then you're a crazy person at Costco at a 10 pack of KY. Like, Jesus, what do you got, a mummy at home? How much do you need?

[Brett]

One tube should get you through making another alien.

[John Holmberg]

I got a lot going on at home. You have no idea. Stuff's pricey. I buy it in bulk and make a slip and slide with my daughter. I don't want to know the rest of that.

[Brett]

Said, there's a section in Reddit called Ask Women, and someone asked them to name the weirdest place they made guys ever taking them on a date.

[John Holmberg]

In the butt. Bob. Weirdest date.

[Brett]

Yeah. Some of the highlights were two weeks into dating, a guy took his. Took a girl to his grandfather's funeral, introduced her as his special friend.

[John Holmberg]

A couple of them like a date to a funeral.

[Brett]

A guy drove a woman to a Taco Bell parking lot, and they watched the animated movie Sausage Party on his phone.

[John Holmberg]

Awesome.

[Brett]

And then he tried to kiss her during the sex scene where the hot dogs get it on with the bun.

[John Holmberg]

Hilarious. That guy's got a great sense of humor. And she was in on it up until the. Then she didn't want to kiss him because he had a mouthful of chorito or whatever they serve.

[Brett]

Guy picked up a woman for dinner, she chose the restaurant. Then he drove the wrong direction for about 30 minutes before she said anything. Turned out he didn't know where he's going, but he was too proud to admit he was lost.

[John Holmberg]

I don't even think. I don't know. I really went on dates, so I don't know what a date is as far as, like, weird or otherwise. I've never dated. You dated Megan? Yes. That was the only one that wasn't. But it wasn't a setup when you met her either, was it? No other friend? Yeah, that was like, the first time I ever actually went on a date was with her. Yeah. Otherwise it was just kind of hanging around until we started doing it. But we never went. Like, would you like to go to dinner with me and enjoy time? No, usually it's just like we're at a party line is that girl again, and then go over and start talking to her and stuff, and the next thing you know, you're making out. Like, there's no dating. I've never dated anyone not a date. I've never asked anyone on a date until her.

[Brett]

A woman was expecting to go to lunch.

[John Holmberg]

And you never did the online thing, so you're good. God, no. Man. Yeah. Thank your lucky stars on that one. Yeah, no, I don't. I've never, never had, like, I'll meet you at a thing and I'll have a nice dinner. Oh, yeah, you've done it. Well, it's good for one. I don't know if I'd ever. I don't know if I'd be capable of asking somebody great for getting laid, but so is that plan I had was just hanging around until you wear someone. Wear someone down. Yeah, you gotta go out in a bar and just wear a girl down. All right, if I do this, will you stop talking to me? Probably. You and Bryan Adams girl Didn't. Didn't. Never dated. We worked together. And then I was at a house. I was at her house at a house party. And I had made it clear that I'm like, if it's a go, it's a go with you. Like, I'm in. And we played. Everybody kind of left, and she asked me to stick around. And she's like, you want to do something? I'm like, yeah, I want to do something. And she's like, you want to play strip poker? I'm like, that sounds fun. And we played, and she was half naked sitting in the chair with me. And I was worried because the rumor was she used to toss salad with her old boyfriend. And I wasn't sure about my back door. She wasn't the one that put your legs up over your. She ended up doing it. Oh, that's right. But that was before I had started my cleanliness program. So I was like, well, if I get naked with her, she might gonna want to eat that. And I don't know if I feel real confident about it.

[Brett]

Scrubby scrub.

[John Holmberg]

Headache. So I made out with her, and then I went to the bathroom. Let me make sure there's no. Like, I'm not confident. I don't like to take a shower real quick. I would have had to shower up, and that would have been telling that I'm coming back in for the score. Top Gun on her. So I. We made out for a little bit, it got weird, and then I left. And then the next time, I hosed her. But I never, like, took her to Applebee's first, in fact. Yeah, that's new. That's not a date. No, that was just a girl acting like a. And a dude, like, put that on pause for a minute. I'll be back tomorrow.

[Brett]

This woman was expecting to go to lunch. Instead, the guy took her to a gun range with three of his buddies.

[John Holmberg]

That's pretty good. One.

[Brett]

Another guy suggested going to Dave and Buster's for the first date, which is fine, except his date said she'd rather do something else. He agreed, picked her up, and then took her to Dave and Buster.

[John Holmberg]

We're doing what I said, lady. Guarantee you had a gift card from Christmas or something left over. That's not a weird place to take someone that's just a dick.

[Brett]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brett]

And a couple of these are like. Well, I don't think they, you know, they committed to this date. They don't want to be on dating.

[John Holmberg]

Coffee dates, no interest. You got to have the booze involved. Yeah, you just get them drunk if they're not interested immediately. I'm not. I'm not going to sit. It's out of control now.