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John Holmberg
All right, HMS Podcast, time again to let you know where to go for some great comedy in the Valley this week. Get out to the Tempe Improv on the east side to see Paul Versey on Thursday and Beth Stelling Friday, Saturday and Sunday. The Desert Ridge Improv up north features Sarah Weinschenk this Thursday and Joe Derosa on Friday and Saturday. And downtown at Stand Up Live, check out the very funny Lil Rel performing Friday, Saturday and Sunday for the complete lineups. And for tickets, go to standuplive.com desertridgeimprov.com and tempeimprov.com it's John Holberg here.
Brady
For the amazing people at the Core Institute, life can throw you a curveball now and again. One day you're trucking along, feeling great. Next day your dog smashes into your head and knocks you cold. Or like a KUPD listener told me this week, his dog did a sprint across the backyard directly into the side of his wife's leg and blew her knee up. She needed that need to get fixed and fixed right? Two years later, she's running like she used to again. And it's all thanks to the Core Institute. I went through it, too, and you can get rid of your pain and start saying, yes, I can to all the things you want to do. And. And all you have to do is trust the experts at the Core Institute head there right now. The Core Institute.com do not listen to this while driving or when full alertness is needed. The rest of home birds, morning sickness. This is the big Red radio. I also have to report that I think through all the years of knowing Megan, she may have said the dumbest thing she's ever said just the other night. I still don't know what it means. I think I might be being fooled. It's got me thinking to a point where I almost wanted to just shove a ballpoint pen right through my temple and just end it right then and there. We're on the couch. I'm watching tv, she's watching tv. She starts to rub her boobs a little bit. All right, where's the problem? Well, her face was making it look.
Christy
Like it wasn't more pain than.
Brady
I don't know what was going on. I don't ask. But keep watching tv.
Larry
Yeah.
Brady
What's going on?
Larry
My nipples hurt bad. It's not even coming up on that time. Sometimes your nipples hurt during that.
Brady
I'm like, I need to know more about that scourge.
Larry
La la la la la.
Brady
It's just weird I know. What have you been doing?
Larry
I don't know. I had some ice cream.
Brady
I looked at her and I didn't say anything.
Larry
I think the ice cream's making my nipples hurt.
Brady
How are you eating the ice cream? Like, are you dipping them in there? And then how in the world does I. It's never been. That was her medical assessment of painful nipples. Rocky road might have done it.
Christy
She finally figured it out.
Brady
Ah, it's the rocky road what makes my nipples start to sting.
Christy
You went out and got another half.
Brady
Gallon and I just looked and I said, this is without a doubt in the history of the spoken word, the seven dumbest words strung together ever that I've ever heard in my life.
Larry
Ice cream makes my nipples ache.
Brady
No, it doesn't. Unless you're resting them in ice cold ice cream for hours on end. Nothing about ice cream that might work travels directly to the nipple when you swallow. None of what you swallow goes, hey, let's detour over here. Party in the nipples for a second. It's going straight into the gut.
Larry
Yeah, but your body processes the ice cream.
Brady
Not to the nipples, it doesn't.
Christy
You don't know, John. Maybe the ice cream was trying to come out through the.
Brady
You correct. I do know that's not how the milk ducks work. And I know you're gonna say, why can't a milk duck create dairy? Because it doesn't. And it never has and it never will.
Christy
She starts producing McFlurries outside of there.
Brady
Then I'm taking her to Sweden. I'm getting my Nobel Prize. I'm gonna have the greatest human being alive. Not only that, there's ice cream coming out of these sweet cans.
Larry
I think the ice cream's making my nipples ache.
Brady
You can't figure that sentence out. That doesn't mean anything.
Christy
Why don't you get together with the other doctors?
Brady
And I'm looking at her, I'm like, hey, Google, at our disposal, there's more information in the human hand now than has ever existed through time. And you choose to just guess that ice cream's making your nipples hurt rather than first. Why do my nipples hurt? Reasons why nipples may hurt. I give you a thousand different things. Ice cream won't come up Once. If ice cream's on the list, it's because you poured it on there and then climbed into the freezer and kept it. That's it. You can frostbite them. That's it.
Larry
I think it's the ice cream. I'm digesting it wrong.
Brady
You sure are. If Your nipples are involved in the digestion process. And I just looked at her and I said, normally, nipple talk gets me going. This conversation is over. I'm gonna be in the other room watching Wheel of Fortune. I can't do this.
Christy
Can't I finish my ice cream without this?
Brady
And you have to say you can't. You gotta tough love that, because otherwise she'll talk to friends.
Larry
Hey, when you guys have ice cream, do your nipples start to ache?
Brady
Oh, God, she's an idiot. Quiet her down. Other people are gonna know. And then she started laughing.
Larry
I guess it is sort of dumb. Yeah, it is.
Brady
God, it's real dumb. Stupidest thing I've ever heard in my life.
Christy
I missed the Daily Double because of this.
Brady
I've never even on those commercials when the guy's taking Zantac and it's just that outline of a human being with his mouth open in one, straight into his stomach. Never once does the Zantac bounce around the chest a little bit and ding. You're not a pinball machine. It goes right in.
Christy
It's true. That's a great chart.
Brady
It is a great chart. It's really to the point. Zantac goes in mouth and strop straight down that tube to your tummy. And then everything's better. If you had water at Camp Lejeune, Your nipples ache after eating ice cream. You're the dumbest person on the planet. I couldn't believe what I heard. I'm just looking at it. I don't get it. I don't get anything you're talking about. And I don't want to. I'm not even gonna. I'm not even gonna. I'm not even going down this road, this rocky road with you. What flavor was it? I mean, what am I supposed to ask next? You should've asked that. I've heard mint chocolate chip will do that to the nipple. That's pretty known. Call some doctors. They'll tell you the same even if you did that.
Christy
Stay away from that. Just keep it Vanilla or chocolate?
Brady
Yeah, that's it. Don't get too. Don't get too creative. Cause the next thing you know, your nipples will fall off. Hi, Banner Health.
Larry
Can I help you? I just had some ice cream. My nipples are hurting.
Brady
I'm gonna hang up on you. Ma'am, we're very busy. Yeah, stupid crank call.
Christy
It crank call.
Brady
Some kid said their nipples hurt from ice cream. I've heard about this. Yeah. This is how vaccine stuff starts. This is how misinformation gets going. One Person says something like that, and then you take it seriously, and the next thing you know, it's on the Internet. And women with achy nipples start thinking it's. They can't have ice cream anymore.
Christy
She ate the ice cream too fast and got a nipple headache.
Brady
No, no, there's no. Nope. Nope. Again, Brady, I gotta go back to my original assessment of your words and say you. Brady. Not a thing. And it was, like, running through her mind. I want to know what things she discarded before she spewed out that nonsense. What other things were like, I wonder.
Larry
Why my nipples hurt.
Christy
I haven't had this before.
Larry
I rode horse once.
Brady
Like, what the is going on?
Larry
No, that can't be it. I slept on my side. No. Maybe that ice cream I've been eating. That's one. I'm gonna say that out loud.
Brady
What did you dismiss to come to the hypothesis that ice cream, like ingesting it, made your nipples start to kind of tingle?
Larry
You never.
Brady
And that was the other thing.
Larry
You never know.
Brady
Oh, God, yes, I do. I'm positive. I know this. There's no correlation to eating ice cream and tender nipples. None. None. Otherwise, your nipples will be fat. Because if your body's involved in it, the digestion. Get the nipples involved, your nipples would start showing weight. You'd have nipple overhang. Some of you do. The stupidest thing I've ever heard in my life, and I've heard some stupid stuff. I work with Brady. I live with her. I mean, I have heard some. Christy yesterday, trying to sell me.
Christy
Just when you think you went to the mountaintop of.
Brady
Oh, yeah. Just when you're like, oh, well, it's been a while since something really dumb happened. Megan. 911 calling.
Larry
My nipples hurt. And I think it's some ice cream. Bad ice cream.
Brady
Like, that's. Even if it was like, tainted ice cream, your nipples aren't the first sign of trouble. Your stomach's fine.
Larry
Yeah, it seems to be all right.
Brady
And the nipples are fine, too.
Larry
I walked against a stucco wall with my shirt off for a half hour. That can't be it. It's that ice cream.
Christy
The whipping.
Brady
Yeah. I don't know. Maybe Tyrone's squeezing him too hard when I'm not home. I don't know.
Larry
I had some bad chocolate, if you know what I mean.
Brady
Oh, that could hurt him.
Christy
The lawn guys were taking the weed whip to it.
Larry
I was tied to a tree.
Brady
Sir Rico Blaze showed up and the lawn guys were.
Larry
They were hitting me pretty hard in the nipple. No, it's the ice cream. I had ice cream Nipple D. The.
Brady
Second dumbest thing comes from her mother years ago, who told me that she had restless leg syndrome. And I'm like, oh, that's because I don't believe that's a real thing. I just think you're just being a jerk at night in bed, and you're using a medical malady to try to explain why you keep kicking your husband.
Larry
Well, I do have it done.
Brady
I'm like, all right, you got it. Big deal.
Larry
I'm like, and it's hereditary. My mother had it, too, and I.
Brady
Had to remind her she was adopted. You didn't inherit crap from that lady. The woman that you know who kicked your. Your.
Christy
Which one are you talking about?
Brady
Yeah, which one? The one you haven't met ever that has restless leg. You do know that about her, Your adopted mother?
Larry
I know one thing. I don't know her name or where she lives, but I've heard she has restless leg syndrome and a propensity to have nipple damage from too much ice cream. It's passed down through the blood.
Brady
I just ended the conversation. I have to remind you something. That your. Your mother that had restless leg syndrome was not your biological mom.
Larry
Well, that doesn't. It's a.
Brady
It's made up. Stop.
Larry
Restless leg is a very real syndrome.
Brady
I've heard of syndromes. I know you got one, too.
Christy
Maybe it was a combo. It had restless nipple syndrome.
Brady
No, that could be what that now. And passed down. That's right. From a non blood grandma. Yeah, that's right. It could be. I guess if you hang around someone long enough, you'll pick up all their, you know, their DNA and hereditary inherited traits, maladies. Yeah, she's my adoptive mother, but I. I picked up her restless leg. Visit Homeburg's morning sickness online@98kupd.com College hoops.
Diane Fisher
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Brady
Hey, it's Larry McFeely here with Wayne from Amco and Wayne. Now that it's getting warmer, I turned on the AC in my car. And the air's blowing kind of cool, but it really smells like a basement. What can I do about that? Larry, your car's AC system should be checked and serviced every year. Plus, replacing the cabin air filter helps.
Wayne
The air blow strong and takes away any nasty smell.
Brady
Nice. Is that a big deal to get done? Not at all. It takes about an hour, and in.
Wayne
Most cases, we can do it while you wait.
Brady
That's awesome. I'll say. We're Amco. Google Amco for your nearest location. That's Amco Double A MCO transmissions and a whole lot more. Holmberg's morning sickness. But the nipple thing is the. It's the. It's the top of the heap next to the time I threw bread off the top of the roof in show low off the deck. What are you doing throwing bread down there for those birds?
Larry
You're gonna make bears like.
Brady
No, that's not how bears are made.
Christy
That's right.
Brady
Make bears. What the hell are you talking about? A girl bear and a boy bear love each other very much. That's how you make bears. You don't just throw bread.
Larry
No, you know what I mean.
Brady
Use words. Good ones. My buddy had a stroke. He makes more sense than you.
Larry
You're gonna make bears.
Brady
I'm not making bears with aspirin. It's not a thing anyway. So if your nipples ache, ladies, just consider, perhaps stay away from ice cream. Last night's dessert. Baskin Robbins has a warning on the door now that says, may cause nipple sensitivity. I don't know what you're doing with your ice cream, but it ain't right. So keep it up. That is what I have to deal with in life.
Christy
Dairy Queen now has the nipple delight. Used to be the triple delight, but changed it up.
Brady
Do you know how hard it is to live a life? We got that going on at home. And then you look forward to the intellectual stimulation of Brady conversation. I mean, that's really. That's really where I have to go. That's the train I'm on.
Christy
Peace of heaven.
Brady
Yeah, it's a you, my friend. It's like walking into a Mensa meeting the day after dinner with Nipplegate. Ah, Brady, regale me with one of your tall tales.
Larry
What? There was, and then all of a.
Brady
Sudden, none of that made sense. And it was better than that nipple. God forbid she has a popsicle. Her vagina will fall off if she's using it right. This is a story I laughed at, too. This is from my home state in Indiana. A guy went through the McDonald's drive through. I don't know if you have the story or not. A guy went through the McDonald's drive thru and instead of his order he got a McDonald's bag with a few thousand dollars in it. Well, that's a drug deal for the guy behind you. They just gave you the wrong car.
Christy
Wrong car.
Brady
Nobody in the news is saying that like, oh, what are the odds one of the McDonald's employee lost thousands of dollars? Well, yeah, you're supposed to do it looks like a transaction. They give you thousands and you hand them what looks like money, but it's not. It's probably.
Christy
Can you imagine his face when he handed over the cash to the guy? He's like, he's waiting for his.
Brady
Yeah. And he didn't get his weed. See you later.
Christy
Thanks.
Brady
And the dude, thanks a lot.
Christy
I'm dead.
Brady
Did I just give that dude the wrong thing? Well, he probably in the McDonald's because he's dumb. Probably thought he gave him the burger one, so didn't even realize it. The thing I'd be worried about is the drug dealer that gets the quarter pounder or the filet of fish and looks and goes, what the hell are you trying to pull, man? This dude drives off with the money and then he goes, well somebody's going to miss this. And he drove back, returns and gave it to him.
Christy
Good Samaritan.
Brady
Nobody's arresting the McDonald's employees. Does no one see that there should not be large sums of money being pushed back and forth through the drive through window in the McDonald's bag.
Christy
That money was clearly for the officers, right?
Brady
You're paying someone, it's not on the up and up. And this guy's, well, I should probably give this back.
Christy
And did he get a reward?
Brady
He's on the news.
Christy
But don't you most of the time return some cash. They're like, thank you.
Brady
It's just grateful. McDonald's employees could be heard on the video expressing their relief when they walked in with the money. Now my guess is all the employees of McDonald's pooled together a few thousand dollars and then at 5:30, you know, Trevonte was gonna come rolling in and hand them over their goods and they had the bag ready. Well, this guy grabbed the bag accidentally and gave it to him. So they were, so they were relieved that Trevonte wasn't there yet and they had his money brought back to him. Time Trica gave the wrong bag. Time Trica was her fault. Time Trica was Going to definitely have some splaining to do. When that 77 Monte Carlo came rolling through. You got my bag. What happened was. But this idiot brought it back and they were all excited. They're like, oh, thank God. Thank you so much. Because they were all so grateful.
Christy
But look, look at the, the options though. Like if that happened to you and you didn't check the order, they handed you the bag, you think, and then all of a sudden you pull out. It's a couple of thousand.
Brady
Yeah.
Christy
What are you doing with it?
Brady
Keeping it cash. If it's drug money, they can't find me. They don't even. They're, they're, they're working a drive through window. You think they're all of a sudden they're Sherlock Holmes? They're not finding that. They don't know which. If they don't know they gave me the bag, there is a little risk. They don't know which car they gave it to if they don't know they gave me the bag. They thought they gave me fries and a burger. And I'm looking in there, going to.
Christy
Go, donald, surveillance camera, go back, get the license plate.
Brady
I'll just go down the street, get a Whopper instead, you know? Then what? They get the license plate, sorry, pookie.
Christy
I spent it, right?
Brady
They get the license plate. Suddenly they're smart enough to roll through that operation where they're going to, investigating where to find you. They ask the idiot who brought the money back. They're like, any advice for people to be more like you? And he goes, the only advice I have is do good people. It's called integrity. Doing the right thing even when no one is looking. What a pussy.
Christy
Yeah, he missed the boat. Never take drug money.
Brady
This one says, bro, you probably just saved all their jobs. If I was the McDonald's owner, I'd be like, all right, great little feel good story for our franchise today. But I got a question for you. Why in the are you guys handing out thousands of dollars through my drive thru window? See what had happened, what time, Trica, I didn't ask you. I know why you're doing. Damn, Justin, I put you in charge of time Trica for a reason. No, that's not. Somebody else suggested they owe this guy free McDonald's for at least a year.
Christy
Yeah, there's no gift cards or anything.
Brady
They gave him 200 worth of McDonald's merch.
Christy
There you go.
Brady
He had two grand in his hand. What are you getting? 200 of must buy versus 2000 of whatever you Want? No thanks. You're an idiot. Somebody hands you $2,000 in the drive through, look at your friends. Slap high fives, go to Wendy's, get yourself a triple because you can afford it now.
Christy
Baconator.
Brady
Yeah, get a frosty, go nuts, you've got free money. So whittle that down to, you know, nineteen hundred dollars, have a field day at Wendy's, giggle your way all the way home and go, they're never gonna find us.
Christy
Pick up another bag of cash.
Brady
I might never go to that McDonald's again. Just in case. Brady's right, and they did kind of fumble through and find my car, but they don't know which person got it. They were just worried when Tremonte was going to show up and they scrambling to get that bag back. See what had happened? Tremonte? Justin gave the bag to a customer. So good news is you get a free burger because we still have his order inside. I'm sorry, instead of my quarter pounder and french fries, you've given me $2,000 cash. Untraceable cash. Here you go. I'd like to trade that back in for my burger meat. Idiot.
Christy
The H2 with 22s is still waiting in the parking lot for his special.
Brady
Order, his arms crossed. Yeah, please pull up to lot number one, we'll be out in a second. That's exactly what happened. But none of the news is smart enough to go out. They didn't even send like Holly bach from Channel 3 over there to go. Nobody thinks this is a drug deal. Gralta Saltino would have figured this out in a second.
Larry
$2,000 was exchanged through a drive through window and we all know what that means in Maryvale. That's a drug deal. And he brought the money back because he is an idiot.
Christy
It's so much slower now.
Brady
I know. We've gotten to her. Yeah, we're programming. We programmed. I heard it this morning. Now she's a news girl.
Larry
And then we have different opinions about the way this has to go. Griselda Saltino. Que t a r news.
Brady
I'm like, wow, she's putting she's sing song in a ballad now. Used to be all sing songy and amateurish. Now Griselda's getting it together. But she'd recognize this story as a complete goof.
Christy
Next. If we can just get to.
Brady
That's just mean of her parents. The last name's Leon. What can we do to make it so Asians can never say our daughter's name? Nele. Oh yeah, Asians will never get through that. Imagine her trying to do that in a She's got a trip to Japan. What your name? I call you Susie. No way. Not even the good to try Neleanna Nara no Neleanna Narra Leon Wrong Kim Nara Rara Anyway, if you got $2,000 in your hand for a McDonald's bag, keep it. Am I wrong? It's out of control now.
Wayne
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Holmberg's Morning Sickness - Arizona: Best of HMS Podcasts - January 20, 2025
Episode Title: Megan's Thinking Ice Cream Made Her Nipples Hurt
Release Date: January 20, 2025
Host: John Holmberg
Co-Hosts: Brady Bogen, Bret Vesely, Dick Toledo
The episode kicks off with John Holmberg sharing information about upcoming comedy shows in the Arizona Valley. He highlights performances at various venues:
Tempe Improv:
Desert Ridge Improv (Up North):
Stand Up Live (Downtown):
John provides ticket information, directing listeners to the respective websites: standuplive.com, desertridgeimprov.com, and tempeimprov.com.
Brady Bogen introduces the central topic of the episode: Megan's unusual claim that eating ice cream caused her nipples to ache. The conversation unfolds with a blend of humor and bewilderment.
Brady's Initial Reaction (00:31 - 01:47):
Brady shares an anecdote about Megan rubbing her breasts while watching TV, leading to his confusion and frustration.
Brady (01:30): "I'm looking at her, I'm like, hey, Google, at our disposal, there's more information in the human hand now than has ever existed through time."
Larry's Claim (01:57 - 02:36):
Larry chimes in, reiterating that his nipples hurt after eating ice cream.
Larry (02:08): "I think the ice cream's making my nipples hurt."
Brady's Skepticism (02:36 - 05:25):
Brady challenges the validity of the claim, questioning the physiology behind the connection. He humorously suggests that unless ice cream is physically applied to the nipples, ingestion shouldn't cause such pain.
Brady (03:10): "Nothing about ice cream that might work travels directly to the nipple when you swallow."
Speculation on Causes (05:25 - 08:36):
The discussion veers into various possible explanations, including the speed of eating ice cream, the type of ice cream (e.g., rocky road), and even unrelated activities like horse riding or wearing certain clothing.
Brady (07:10): "What did you dismiss to come to the hypothesis that ice cream, like ingesting it, made your nipples start to kind of tingle?"
Restless Leg Syndrome Tangent (08:43 - 10:27):
The conversation briefly touches on Larry's comment about his mother's restless leg syndrome, which Brady dismisses humorously as a made-up condition to explain behavior. This tangent serves to emphasize the hosts' skepticism towards unconventional health claims.
Brady (09:16): "Restless leg is a very real syndrome. I've heard of syndromes. I know you got one, too."
Transitioning from health quirks, the hosts delve into a humorous and improbable story about a misdirected bag of money at a McDonald's drive-thru.
Scenario Overview (13:00 - 15:00):
A customer mistakenly receives a McDonald's bag containing thousands of dollars instead of his meal. The group speculates that this might be part of a covert drug deal, adding layers of absurdity to the tale.
Brady (14:49): "$2,000 was exchanged through a drive thru window and we all know what that means in Maryvale. That's a drug deal. And he brought the money back because he is an idiot."
Consequences and Reactions (15:00 - 17:54):
The hosts humorously debate the rationale behind the customer's decision to return the money, suggesting it inadvertently saved McDonald's from potential complications. They mock the idea of high-stakes transactions occurring casually at fast-food establishments.
Brady (17:15): "Never take drug money."
Potential Outcomes (17:54 - 20:08):
The discussion continues with Brady imagining various outcomes, including the McDonald's staff's relief and the customer's confused reaction. They humorously critique the lack of proper protocol in handling such an event.
Brady (19:30): "What are you doing with it? Keeping it cash. If it's drug money, they can't find me."
The episode wraps up with light-hearted banter and reflections on the discussed topics.
Brady (20:14): "Imagine her trying to do that in a She's got a trip to Japan. What your name? I call you Susie. No way."
Brady on Megan's Claim (03:28):
"She finally figured it out."
Larry on Ice Cream's Effect (02:23):
"I think the ice cream's making my nipples hurt."
Brady on the Absurdity of the Claim (04:26):
"Unless you're resting them in ice cold ice cream for hours on end. Nothing about ice cream that might work travels directly to the nipple when you swallow."
Brady on the McDonald's Anecdote (14:49):
"$2,000 was exchanged through a drive thru window and we all know what that means in Maryvale. That's a drug deal."
Brady on Integrity (16:42):
"The only advice I have is do good people. It's called integrity. Doing the right thing even when no one is looking. What a pussy."
This episode of "Holmberg's Morning Sickness" masterfully blends humor with baffling health claims and absurd anecdotes. The hosts navigate Megan's perplexing assertion about ice cream-induced nipple pain with a mix of skepticism and comedic ridicule. Transitioning seamlessly, they entertain listeners with an exaggerated tale of a McDonald's drive-thru mix-up, highlighting their knack for turning mundane topics into engaging comedic content. For those seeking a light-hearted and entertaining morning show, this episode exemplifies why "Holmberg's Morning Sickness" remains Arizona's #1 morning radio program.