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John Holmberg
All right, HMS Podcast, time again to let you know where to go for some great comedy in the Valley this week. Get out to the Tempe Improv on the east side to see Paul Versey on Thursday and Beth Stelling Friday, Saturday and Sunday. The Desert Ridge Improv up North features Sarah Weinschenk this Thursday and Joe DeRosa on Friday and Saturday. And downtown at Stand Up Live, check out the very funny Lil Rel performing Friday, Saturday and Sunday for the complete lineups. And for tickets, go to standuplive.com desertridgeimprov.com and tempeimprov.com it's John Holberg here.
Brady
For the amazing people at the Core Institute, life can throw you a curveball now and again. One day you're trucking along, feeling great. Next day your dog smashes into your head and knocks you cold. Or like a KUPD listener told me this week, his dog did a sprint across the backyard directly into the side of his wife's leg and blew her knee up. She needed that need to get fixed and fixed right. Two years later, she's running like she used to again. And it's all thanks to the Core Institute. I went through it, too. And you can get rid of your pain and start saying, yes, I can to all the things you want to do. And. And all you have to do is trust the experts at the Core Institute head there right now. The Core Institute.com do not listen to this while driving or when full alertness is needed. The rest of Homeburg's morning sickness. This is the Big Red Radio. All right, we'll start with the emails that said, this is a good one right here. I got a dude who's mad at us. He's like, he's ready to go this end of the show. I think he may be tongue in cheek, but we'll see. The other one said this was just a guy talking about his holiday break. He said, hey, Homburg, I always thought you were a bit of a weirdo when you talk about food and potlucks and how you won't eat at those and you have to, you know, humanity's disgusting in the toilet paper thing. He said, but long story short, I'm on your side now. My kid was in a ball pit at a fast food place in San Diego over Christmas break. If you're eating, by the way, stop. He was with his grandparents. I was two days out. I was gonna head over. His grandparents took him to their place in San Diego. His grandpa noticed something in his hair after he Got out of the ball pit in the car, it was about an hour later, and said, oh, it's a band aid. He sent a picture to my wife and I, and it was covered in blobs of blood. But upon further inspection, after my wife noticed that it was a little bigger than a band aid, we recognized it wasn't a band aid, but it was most of a tampon that had been gently used and discarded into the pit. Never again. His grandparents refused to go back to tell the restaurant people to yell. And we were two days out from going over there. So I ended up going two days later and filled out some forms and a complaint. The boy has ptsd, by the way. So now I understand.
Toledo
You just have to find a good ball pit.
Brady
And we were saying, nathan, look, kid's got a tampi on his head. Of course he's got ptsd. There are, I think. And I don't care what ball pit you're in, homemade or otherwise. There's rubbers and tampons. We're done talking about BS west now. Yeah, yeah. No, if there was a ball pit, could you imagine a BSWS ball pit? Oh, my God. It would be a bowl of cereal. It would just be a bunch of lucky Charms. And every. There would be two balls in a sack in each. Like, just loads of like. The ball pit would be the grossest place on the planet. Except for at fast food ball pits. You let your kids get in there, that's fine. But think about what's going on. And also not just that your kids are gross. And I know what parents always say, it's building immunity. No, it's disgusting. Your kids are gross. Booger hands sliding up and down those slides, pissy pants, unwashed butts. Just gross all the way around. But also the disgusting, dirty employees that go in there and hose each other. And then clearly some lady who thought it would be funny to put a tampon in it. And keep in mind, it wasn't the whole tampon. So it had gone through some wear and tear of ball pit maneuvering to where it tore a few spots and ended up with just the chunky middle stuck in some kid's hair.
Toledo
Just was bashed.
Brady
Ball pits need to be daily, and it would raise the prices of burgers and fries to astronomical levels. But they need to be scoured daily. Each. The ball pit needs to. Every one of the balls needs to be funneled into a big wash system. Like a tick.
Brett
UV thing.
Brady
Yeah, well, beyond the UV thing, every ball goes into this giant bathtub of something and it needs to be cleaned out night.
Toledo
That where they put combs in a barbershop Blue goo.
Brady
The blue goo. And all of it needs to go and then you see what's at the bottom of the ball pit because I guarantee a tampon that's been ripped and torn has been in there for possibly months Ball pits. Why would you even think about it? Say go ahead, roll around in that thing. There's tampons in it evidently. I've heard of rubbers in ball pits because look, think of you. You're 17 years old you're working with another 17 year old girl. You're closing up McDonald's you're joking around. You push her in the ball pit. Ha ha ha. You're having some fun Next thing you know you got a rubber and it's full and what do you do with it? You put it in the bottom of the ball pit and you laugh and laugh and laugh because you know deep down no one ever cleans this prank for the other employees well, no one's gonna find it. No decent human being puts their hand deep in Berg, you're on the ball pit today. I quit. I quit calling old Yellow Hand. Yeah, call John Rodriguez Yellow Hand or I would just. I would rather clean out the lady's hygiene napkin box out of the thing with the bare hands than before I'd reach into a ball pit they always smell like piss too because that's what's in it. It's a bathroom for disgusting kids and parents who don't care anymore that drop them off and let that ball pit babysit. Let them go. The one that always drives me nuts is the. The one that's got the habit trail for kids that goes through the restaurant and stuff oh, that's gross.
Toledo
Yeah, those are tough.
Brady
One thing I do the one time.
Toledo
You know I remember going through Kirby liked to go into the Chick Fil A one and the other and so did you if she. Oh yeah, because it's downtime you can.
Brady
Sit there and hang out, enjoy your chicken but if she gets stuck up.
Toledo
In the tube or gets freaked out.
Brady
Stuck in the tube was she Augustus Gloop?
Toledo
Not that stuck in the way that she gets injured and she's crying or something she's at that age I'm telling you kids they freeze up there in the tube and then the parent has to go up there and get them were you1 wasn't happy did Kirby get stuck? You get injured that tube you cry, right? Toughen up, you get out first and.
Brady
Foremost you're not the guy going in the tube.
Brett
There's no way.
Brady
Oh yeah, that's like Judd Nelson in the Breakfast Club. You're coming through the ceiling. You're not going in the tube to rescue a child. If Kirby got stuck in there, she'd. There be a skeleton in there right now. You're not sending. Well, you gotta go get your daughter.
Toledo
Excuse me, ma'am, could you get my daughter?
Brady
I'm a boy and you may have noticed that I'm still bedazzled with chicken. And I'm not leaving the table.
Brett
Usually you gotta find like a 12 year old. Cause least they fit. Go up there and get him.
Brady
Daddy, I'm stuck in the turbo there. Sorry. Curba derbs. Daddy's eating.
Toledo
Just let the pressure build up. It'll spit you out.
Brady
I got three buckets of honey mustard I haven't dipped into yet.
Brett
Three?
Brady
Did she get stuck in a tube once?
Toledo
No.
Brady
Oh, okay.
Brett
No fear of yours, kids. No, kids do well.
Brady
I know, but it was probably a fear of Brady's. More like, oh, she gets stuck.
Brett
I can't get.
Toledo
It's the fear of having. Yeah, well, just going into that thing.
Brady
I wouldn't do it. My kids. First off, I'm not touching my kid or letting it back in the car after it's been in the tube.
Toledo
So I tried to. I tried to find the tubeless playlands.
Brett
Oh, you can't.
Toledo
There's one on those grips.
Brett
They're like blocks. They're like two foot high.
Brady
Oh.
Toledo
There'S always one on the nightmare in Gilbert Williams.
John Holmberg
Of course.
Toledo
The McDonald's.
Brady
Yeah.
Toledo
Had a flat playland with the spongy floor.
Brady
It wasn't spongy when it started there. Just so much moisture, piss and feces that came out of kids. The floor started to give. Even playgrounds and stuff. I'll never forget watching our mentally neighbor Brian. Hey guys, watch this. He discovered that in the swirly slide. He really enjoyed the way pee looked going down that swirly slide. And every day he'd be standing in that weird metal rocket shaped tube on the top of the stairs. You guys, we'd be playing basketball. Hey, Brian, put your pants. Brian, put your pants on. What did we don't. Oh, he's peeing on the sliding. And then he'd go sliding down it. Aha.
Toledo
Toby. Nestor liked the merry go round. But he didn't like the way that he would run off it. He just couldn't help himself if you got him going in circles. He's wetting his pants.
Brady
Gross. God, kids are gross. There isn't any way I could love one ever. Ever. They're just not. Nothing about them is good. Yuck. And then you got this email, and if you got a tampon in your kid's hair, I'm going Toledo's dad on that one. I'm stuffing him into a. He's going into a fireman's drawer and that's it. There's no coming back for going out for smokes.
Toledo
Huh?
Brady
Oh, I'm going out for a whole carton of smokes and I'm telling him, hey, I'm going out for smokes and I'm not coming back. I'm not going to be one of those dads that lies about it like the reason why tampon in your hair. It's just. It's a deal breaker for me. Don't you love me? Not that much. I don't love anybody. If Brady showed up to work with half a tampon in his hair, I'm like, what was that? Oh, I was wrestling around in a pickleball court. N. I don't know that. Okay, you're fired. I'm never going to look at you again.
Toledo
How do not know that's in your head.
Brady
Tampons stuck to your head.
Larry McFeely
Daddy.
Brady
Tap went up. You're out. Kirby. I'm never gonna eat with her again. Because of the booger incident from when she was 5. She was like Curly Neal. She had a basketball sized circular booger on her index finger tip. She was showing it to me to let me know the barbecued chips were hers. Which means that that was when she was aware she pulled out the biggest booger I've ever seen. If Kirby's at a thing and there's community food, she'd think I. I'm post traumatic on that. Kirby's hands touch and I'm out. John Holmberg's morning sickness.
Wayne
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Diane Fisher
Hey, it's Larry McFeely here with Wayne from Amco and Wayne. Now that it's getting warmer, I turned on the AC in my car and the air is blowing kind of cool. But it really smells like a basement.
Toledo
What can I do about that?
Larry McFeely
Larry? Your car's AC system should be checked and serviced every year. Plus, replacing the cabin air filter helps the air blow strong and takes away any nasty smell.
Toledo
Nice.
Diane Fisher
Is that a big deal to get done?
Larry McFeely
Not at all. It takes about an hour and in most cases, we can do it while you wait.
Diane Fisher
That's awesome.
Larry McFeely
They were amco.
Diane Fisher
Google Amco for your nearest location. That's Amco. Double A MCO transmissions and a whole lot more.
Brady
Holmberg's morning sickness. And she's probably clean now. I don't know. Maybe not. But forever. I'll associate those soulless dead eyes with that booger on her finger when it comes to food. Otherwise, she's fine. Just don't touch me.
Brett
Still love your description of the twirl. And I picture the taffy just wrapping around the fingers.
Brady
It was like she was making cotton candy out of snot and looking dead at me. Hey. And Holden.
Toledo
Dare you to touch the bag, old man.
Brady
So much raised by Brady because she had. I just. I'll never forget. Barbecued chips. Family size. And she's holding the whole bag. And the other finger had a green glob like an. It looked like the thing from the World Trade Center. Or not. The World Trade Center. Didn't even drink my coffee. No, no, throw it out. And just staring at me. And then reached right into the bag. I'm like, oh, that's it. And then my next question. Who made these sandwiches? Gerber Durbs and Daddy. We're working. We're going to a restaurant. And Bunny and the whole family's like, what? And Brady's out. What? I'm like, not doing it.
Toledo
I've got 10 sandwiches.
Brady
Brady's brother in law is like, thank you. Thank you so much. Somebody's got to say something, you guys. JV saw it. He was right next to me. He saw the booger too. Kids black. Get yours dipped today. Take it over to the pound and have it dropped into that tick bath. They're gross tampons falling out of their heads at the ball pit. Yuck. All right, here's a guy who's mad at us and I never. This. This is going to shut the showdown. This is it. All the times I've told people in the past, if you laughed at this joke, you can't be mad when one hits you, right? So if you. If you Laugh at the time Brett makes fun of the handicap guy. You can't get upset when the trans joke happens when you're trans. You can't get mad when the joke about Mexican leaf blowers happen. The, you know, white people being hillbillies and Trumpy. You can't. You can't get upset when Biden gets attacked. You can't do it. Everybody gets hit. But this one I didn't. There's no. Nothing you can do because this is a really small group. Says, hey, Holber Dick, where to start it?
Toledo
Or was he saying hi to Toledo, too?
Brady
Oh, maybe. There was no apostrophe. It was just pretty much the exclamation. But nobody ever says says. I heard on the podcast you talking about New Year's babies now. Yesterday, I think I said something about New Year's babies only count if you're new. If it's planned, your mom's just an Instagram whore. I'm a New Year's baby. 39 years ago, I was the first baby born in Kansas City, but I was a scheduled C section, and my parents didn't get anything. And neither did I, for that matter. The first natural birth was in Wichita, almost the exact same time as me and that kid got a lifetime supply of stuff from some toy store that isn't even in business anymore and a plaque. And I think he got money for college from some guy.
Brett
Blame your mother's womb.
Brady
That's what I said. I'm bitter about it, and your words triggered me. That honor used to come with prizes. I'm 12:02am the other kid was 1206. I've been stalking him my whole life. I was already practically walking by the time that kid came out. So as funny as you've been in my life, you finally did it. You've offended me. You pissed me off. You made me write a letter. Way to go, dickhead. Sign Miles. The real baby. New year of Kansas, 1985. There's some.
Toledo
I understand the ruling there, though.
Brett
So do I.
Toledo
Your mom eligible baby.
Brady
Your mom scheduled the birth.
Toledo
Yeah.
Brady
You weren't supposed to come out then. Why weren't you making your way out at 12:01? That makes you Baby New Year. If you're. If the baby is doing that, and it's a natural thing that it counts when your mom scheduled it. Your mom's an attention whore and wants to be in the paper. It was Instagram before Instagram. She wasn't. She was more interested in attention for herself than she was the birth of her Child. So she had a 1202 baby. You know, they could have done that a couple hours earlier, but I guarantee.
Brett
You later, apparently, let's be the New.
Brady
Year's baby because it comes with prizes. Well, that's rigging the system. Your mom. Your mom's a cheat, Miles. That's what it comes down to. Your mom's a scam artist. She's trying to get toys for free. She's trying to get college tuition from that guy. And I didn't know, baby, New Year's got themselves prizes.
Brett
Some do.
Brady
Yeah.
Brett
Usually in smaller towns.
Toledo
But people feel, you know, that guy's.
John Holmberg
Like, you know what?
Toledo
I'm gonna donate college fund for that kid. Okay?
Brady
There's always some dumb news story, oh, this is the first baby that was born at 1201. Yeah.
Toledo
Yesterday we had the twins.
Brady
Yeah, yeah, that was the one. But now that's kind of unique now.
Toledo
Unless it was scheduled.
Brady
If it's scheduled, it's stupid. If you made it. So it's like, we'll have one at 11:55 and the other at 12:03, and we'll cut. That's just. You're. You're cheating. You're rigging the system. Yeah. Who wants to be at the hospital 12:01 in the morning? Nobody. On New Year's Eve. Yeah, exactly. I'm not doing that. That's. That's attention whoring. So. Yeah, of course you don't get.
Toledo
I wanted Ronnie to hold on another 11 minutes, and Kirby would have been on the first.
Brady
Right. And then everybody who had a first birthday, which is symmetry and disgusting. It doesn't really matter. Then you'd have. In February.
Toledo
They don't mess around with.
Brett
Did you guys have a fight when she was on the table?
Brady
No.
Toledo
Hold it, hold it. Come on. I figured I do it all the time. Had no idea. 19 minutes round trip.
Brady
He can't hold a poop. This guy poops eight times a day. When you gotta go, you gotta go. You know, God equipped you with a clincher. Sometimes it's just not good enough. What is going on back there? You got half a pizza in your hand and you're walking to the bathroom or something. Can't make Ronnie hold a baby if you can't hold the poop from Spinados during the pizza.
Toledo
It gave out a slice.
Brady
Wow, that still smells like how it went in. It didn't digest yet, pal. Oh, no. Cause it's. He sharked it out. I've literally watched this man who asked his wife to hold a baby in for 11 extra minutes not make it through a whole pizza. It is the nerve of all of you.
Toledo
Gotta go.
Brady
And she could have tried a little harder, I'll give you that. But seeing as how her counterpart won't even allow.
Toledo
I blame it on the doctor more.
Brady
So than anything that he couldn't just keep pushing back.
Toledo
Take your time.
Brady
I don't think that. I don't think doctors are really in control.
Toledo
It was late.
Brady
I don't think it's about, you know, them being complacent or meandering. It's either happening or it's not.
Brett
What am I paying you for, doc?
Brady
Most of the time, the doctor's just looking, going, man, husband's done no damage here. And then the baby starts coming out, going, would have been a lot easier if she was with a man. And then sometimes they just come shooting right out and they look at the husband going, thanks for your help.
Toledo
I'm watching you sew it up, Doc.
Brady
Yeah. All right. Don't do that. Disgusting. But yeah, you went. You went strong and told Ronnie to hold it for 11 minutes. And then.
Toledo
Then I asked.
Brady
The nurse was cut out.
Toledo
I asked the nurse, could you. It was 11:49.
Brady
Yeah.
Toledo
Could you put on the.
Brady
But you scheduled that, cuz that was a C section, right? Yeah. How come you did that at 11:50?
Toledo
Because she started going into labor and started having, you know, pretty painful. We gotta go.
Brady
We gotta go right then and there.
Toledo
Yeah, I can do it.
Brady
Hang on to that pain for another 10 just so you could have your cute symptoms.
Toledo
Gave her the epidural. She was numb.
Brett
She was like, we're not having this the real way.
Brady
Well, if she's numb, she doesn't even know if she's holding it.
Toledo
Yeah, well, I just, you know, I didn't. Didn't think it would. Again, it was 19 minutes.
Brady
Inconsiderate prick. Put a cork in there, doctor. I'm Feb1, you're June, 1. And if she's August.
Toledo
But it would have been easier if the nurse just put it.
Brady
That's something a chick would do, though.
Brett
Put it back.
Brady
That's a girl.
Toledo
No, not put it back. But you. They mark the time of birth, basically.
Brett
So you wanted him to lie.
Toledo
Yeah, I asked her to lie.
Brady
Yeah. Why don't you take this medical, doc? Kid ain't gonna know the difference in jail.
Brett
You should have your finski wasn't enough to convince her.
Brady
Why don't you guys pay more? Why don't you guys just tell Ronnie or Kirby that her birthday was the first she ain't gonna know.
Brett
Great.
Brady
It's your fault.
Brett
Well, there's documentation.
Toledo
You're right.
Brady
Well, she can't read. She's a bogan. Yeah, she's a bogan. Have you seen.
Toledo
She can't read.
Brady
This kid can't read. Oh, she's a good reader, okay, Compared to you. Low bar. Okay, look, Dick and Jane, everybody's a good reader.
Toledo
We get it.
Brady
Yeah. You could have told her. I don't know for sure that my birthday's July. It's just what I was told. And how hard is it to scrub the document you've got?
Toledo
So easy to change.
Brady
Simple.
Toledo
Blew it.
Brady
You did. You're still blowing it. Because you wanted your cute everybody's dress, the same party, birthdays we're all born on the first. Isn't it a miracle? No. Anyway, well, tampons and heads and baby New Year's and things like that are things we gotta deal with. Arizona's most powerful rock radio station. He said fully erect.
Sarah Weinschenk
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Holmberg's Morning Sickness - Arizona: Best Of HMS Podcasts - January 2, 2025
Hosted by John Holmberg along with Brady Bogen, Bret Vesely, and Dick Toledo, this episode of Holmberg's Morning Sickness brings together some of the most engaging and humorous discussions from past shows. Released on January 2, 2025, this "Best Of" compilation delves into listener stories, sharp-witted banter, and insightful commentary on everyday predicaments.
The episode kicks off with a listener email that becomes the centerpiece of the discussion. The email recounts a distressing incident where a child playing in a ball pit at a San Diego fast-food restaurant ended up with a tampon lodged in his hair. This unsettling event not only caused physical harm but also left the child with PTSD.
Key Highlights:
Listener's Account: A parent describes how his grandson discovered a tampon in his hair after playing in a ball pit. Despite recognizing the object as more than just a band-aid, efforts to address the issue with the restaurant were met with resistance, leading to a formal complaint.
Panel Reaction: The hosts express shock and disgust over the negligence surrounding the maintenance of ball pits, emphasizing the potential health hazards they pose.
Notable Quotes:
Brady Bogen [02:48]: “We're done talking about BS west now. Yeah, yeah. No, if there was a ball pit, could you imagine a BSWS ball pit? Oh, my God. It would be a bowl of cereal.”
Dick Toledo [04:02]: “You just have to find a good ball pit.”
Brady Bogen [04:21]: “Every one of the balls needs to be funneled into a big wash system. Like a tick.”
Discussion Points:
Hygiene Concerns: The team highlights the lack of proper sanitation in ball pits, citing examples like accumulated bodily fluids and improperly discarded items.
Safety Measures: Suggestions include daily scouring of the pits, implementing UV cleaning systems, and ensuring that all components are thoroughly sanitized to prevent such incidents.
Parental Responsibility: The conversation touches on the role of parents in supervising their children and the broader implications of allowing children to play in unsupervised or poorly maintained environments.
Shifting gears, the panel delves into the quirky phenomenon of New Year's babies. This segment explores the lengths to which some parents go to ensure their child's birth is celebrated as the first of the year, often leading to humorous and exaggerated situations.
Key Highlights:
Scheduled Births vs. Natural Births: The hosts debate the legitimacy and motivations behind scheduling births at the stroke of midnight, questioning whether it's a genuine desire or merely an attention-seeking tactic.
Community Reactions: Anecdotes about the reactions from friends and family members add a humorous layer to the discussion, portraying the lengths to which some individuals will go for recognition.
Notable Quotes:
Brady Bogen [14:36]: “I'm bitter about it, and your words triggered me. That honor used to come with prizes.”
D. Fletcher Toledo [16:00]: “Yesterday we had the twins. Yeah, yeah, that was the one. But now that's kind of unique now.”
Brady Bogen [16:03]: “That’s rigging the system. Your mom's a cheat, Miles.”
Discussion Points:
Social Recognition: The conversation examines how societal acknowledgment, such as being the "first baby of the year," influences parental decisions and the desire for uniqueness.
Ethical Considerations: The hosts humorously critique the idea of manipulating birth times for personal gain, questioning the authenticity of such celebrations.
Impact on the Child: While largely comedic, there's an underlying consideration of how these decisions might affect the child's perception of their own birth and identity.
Returning to the theme of children's play areas, the hosts further explore the challenges and often unsanitary conditions of public ball pits and playgrounds. Personal anecdotes and humorous exaggerations underscore the everyday grossness that comes with supervising children in such environments.
Key Highlights:
Child Hygiene: Stories about children exhibiting unsanitary behaviors, such as peeing on slides or having dirty hands, highlight the inherent messiness of playgrounds.
Maintenance Shortcomings: The panel criticizes the insufficient cleaning protocols of play areas, questioning how such environments remain popular despite obvious health concerns.
Notable Quotes:
Brady Bogen [08:54]: “He really enjoyed the way pee looked going down that swirly slide.”
Dick Toledo [09:05]: “Gross. God, kids are gross. There isn't any way I could love one ever. Ever.”
Brady Bogen [17:02]: “He can't hold a poop. This guy poops eight times a day.”
Discussion Points:
Facility Management: The dialogue points out the lack of rigorous cleaning routines and the potential health risks posed by neglected play areas.
Parental Oversight: Emphasizing the role of parents, the hosts discuss the balance between allowing children to play freely and ensuring their environments are safe and clean.
Humorous Exaggerations: The hosts use hyperbole to amplify the messiness of children's play habits, adding comedic relief to the otherwise serious concerns.
Throughout the episode, Holmberg's Morning Sickness masterfully blends humor with real-life issues, offering listeners both entertainment and a critical look at everyday situations. Whether dissecting the cleanliness of ball pits or the lengths parents go for their children's birthdates, the hosts provide a relatable and engaging narrative that resonates with a broad audience.
By incorporating listener stories and vibrant panel discussions, this "Best Of" episode encapsulates the essence of Holmberg's Morning Sickness: a mix of witty commentary, sharp observations, and unabashed humor that keeps Arizona's #1 morning radio show at the top of its game.
Notable Reminder: While this episode is packed with entertaining content, it's essential to remember that underlying health and safety concerns discussed are treated with both humor and genuine concern, emphasizing the importance of maintaining clean and safe play environments for children.