BEST OF HMS PODCASTS - THURSDAY - January 2, 2025 - Brady Report Mix - Quicksand Debate - Strip Club Lie - Blind People At Grand Canyon rant - July/Sept 2005

Summary

Holmberg's Morning Sickness - Arizona: BEST OF HMS PODCASTS - THURSDAY

Release Date: January 2, 2025
Host: John Holmberg
Co-Hosts: Brady Bogen, Bret Vesely, Dick Toledo
Station: 98KUPD | Hubbard Radio

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Introduction

In the "BEST OF HMS PODCASTS - THURSDAY" episode of Holmberg's Morning Sickness airing on January 2, 2025, host John Holmberg, along with his co-hosts Brady Bogen, Bret Vesely, and Dick Toledo, delivers a comedic yet thought-provoking compilation of memorable segments. This episode navigates through a variety of topics, including unusual societal behaviors, debunking myths, and humorous anecdotes, all while engaging and entertaining the Arizona audience.

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Main News Segments

1. Dogging Debate

The episode kicks off with an unconventional discussion on "dogging," a term referring to the act of spying on couples engaging in public sexual activities. Kurt introduces the topic with intrigue:

Kurt [01:26]: "And it's not from the Japanese. This perversion comes from the Philippines. Filthy lines. It's called dogging."

Eric adds a lighthearted comparison to their own terminology:

Eric [01:46]: "Oh, you're giving a visual check. See, we called it the VC because we're the Vietcong. We're sneaking up out of the trees."

The hosts delve into the origins and social implications of dogging, contrasting it with similar behaviors and exploring its cultural footprint in England and beyond.

2. Running of the Bulls: Mexico vs. Spain

Transitioning from public spectacles, the hosts examine the infamous "Running of the Bulls" event, particularly a chaotic incident in San Miguel, Mexico:

Kurt [02:50]: "Things got a little out of control in the streets of San Miguel. 47 people were gored, so it's a little worse."

Eric questions the severity compared to Spain's long-standing tradition:

Eric [03:46]: "That's not much of a fetish."

The conversation highlights the dangers of altering traditional events for modern twists, emphasizing safety and authenticity over spectacle.

3. Dueling Laws in Mount Clemens, Michigan

Shifting gears, the podcast covers a peculiar legal case involving cousins prosecuted under an antiquated anti-dueling law:

Kurt [04:21]: "In Mount Clemens, Michigan, two cousins who got in a knife fight are both being prosecuted under 159-year-old anti-dueling law."

Eric humorously summarizes the predicament:

Eric [04:48]: "So I challenge you to a duel. I'm guilty."

This segment underscores the absurdity of outdated laws in contemporary society, blending legal discussion with comedic banter.

4. Crack Dealer "Little Willie" Incident

A darker turn ensues as the hosts recount a bizarre encounter involving a crack dealer known as "Little Willie":

Kurt [05:28]: "Little Willie told Anthony he'd give him some crap crack, not crap, if he could use lighter fluid to set him on fire."

Eric expresses confusion and disbelief:

Eric [06:26]: "Why did Little Willie light him on fire? I'm not understanding well enough fire that."

The story highlights the dangers of drug-related dealings and the extreme measures individuals may take in desperation.

5. The Strip Club Lie

In a humorous yet cautionary tale, the hosts discuss Douglas Kelly's attempt to cover up his visit to a strip club to appease his pregnant girlfriend:

Kurt [07:35]: "Douglas told his girlfriend that he had gone from... to being forced into the trunk of his Cadillac."

Eric critiques the moral implications:

Eric [09:07]: "Yeah, but a wrath of a pregnant woman is worth a falsified police report and pretend kidnapping rather than just saying I'm sorry."

This segment explores themes of deception, relationship dynamics, and the consequences of dishonesty.

6. "On Time" Car Payment Device

Addressing consumer tech, the podcast examines a device named "On Time" installed in vehicles to enforce timely loan payments by disabling the car if payments are missed:

Kurt [10:40]: "They hit the chip and it just shuts your car down."

Eric reacts with frustration:

Eric [11:05]: "How far behind do you have to be?"

The discussion raises questions about consumer rights, privacy, and the ethical implications of such restrictive technologies.

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Quicksand Debate

One of the standout segments of the episode is the Quicksand Debate, where Kurt and Eric engage in a spirited discussion debunking the Hollywood myth that quicksand can swallow a person entirely, leading to drowning.

Debunking Quicksand Myths

Kurt introduces scientific insights from the University of Amsterdam, challenging popular misconceptions:

Kurt [12:45]: "They're putting the word out. Hollywood movies are not an accurate reflection of real life. Yes, it's impossible for you to get sucked into and drown in quicksand."

Eric expresses skepticism and seeks personal anecdotes:

Eric [13:18]: "Have you ever known anybody that's been near quicksand?"

The hosts explain the composition of quicksand and the mechanics of buoyancy within it, emphasizing that while struggling can lead to sinking, complete submersion is highly unlikely.

Grand Canyon Blind Tour Rant

The debate takes a humorous turn as Eric shares a rant about a misguided tour for blind individuals at the Grand Canyon:

Eric [23:27]: "It's all visual. The Grand Canyon isn't a sensory thing. It's visual."

Kurt and Eric mock the idea of blind tourists experiencing a primarily visual landmark, using exaggerated scenarios for comedic effect.

Eric [26:13]: "98 KUPD. If you're blind, stay home."

This lighthearted criticism serves as both humor and social commentary on accessibility and the sensory experiences of different individuals.

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Conclusion

The "BEST OF HMS PODCASTS - THURSDAY" episode masterfully blends humor with insightful discussions on a wide array of topics. From the peculiarities of human behavior and outdated laws to debunking myths and contemplating technological intrusions, John Holmberg and his co-hosts deliver content that is both entertaining and thought-provoking. Notably, their ability to weave humor into serious subjects makes the episode engaging for listeners new and old alike.

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Notable Quotes

• Kurt [01:26]: "And it's not from the Japanese. This perversion comes from the Philippines. Filthy lines. It's called dogging."
• Eric [01:46]: "Oh, you're giving a visual check. See, we called it the VC because we're the Vietcong. We're sneaking up out of the trees."
• Kurt [02:50]: "Things got a little out of control in the streets of San Miguel. 47 people were gored, so it's a little worse."
• Eric [04:48]: "So I challenge you to a duel. I'm guilty."
• Eric [06:26]: "Why did Little Willie light him on fire? I'm not understanding well enough fire that."
• Eric [09:07]: "Yeah, but a wrath of a pregnant woman is worth a falsified police report and pretend kidnapping rather than just saying I'm sorry."
• Eric [11:05]: "How far behind do you have to be?"
• Kurt [12:45]: "They're putting the word out. Hollywood movies are not an accurate reflection of real life. Yes, it's impossible for you to get sucked into and drown in quicksand."
• Eric [26:13]: "98 KUPD. If you're blind, stay home."

These quotes encapsulate the hosts' humorous take on serious topics, showcasing their unique blend of comedy and commentary.

Transcript

[John Holmberg]

All right, HMS Podcast, time again to let you know where to go for some great comedy in the Valley this week. Get out to the Tempe Improv on the east side to see Paul Versey on Thursday and Beth Stelling Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. The Desert Ridge Improv up north features Sarah Weinschenk this Thursday and Joe Derosa on Friday and Saturday. And downtown at Stand Up Live, check out the very funny Lil Rel performing Friday, Saturday, and Sunday for the complete lineups. And for tickets, go to standuplive.com desertridgeimprov.com and tempeimprov.com it's John Holberg here.

[Brady]

For the amazing people at the Core Institute, life can throw you a curveball now and again. One day you're trucking along, feeling great. Next day your dog smashes into your head and knocks you cold. Or like a KUPD listener told me this week, his dog did a sprint across the backyard directly into the side of his wife's leg and blew her knee up. She needed that need to get fixed and fixed right? Two years later, she's running like she used to again. And it's all thanks to the Core Institute. I went through it, too. And you can get rid of your pain and start saying, yes, I can to all the things you want to do.

[Kurt]

And.

[Brady]

And all you have to do is trust the experts at the Core Institute head there right now. The Core Institute.com the best of the.

[Larry McFeely]

Morning sickness is on the air. 98 KUPD.

[Eric]

Do any of you people do any actual work?

[Larry McFeely]

The Best of Holmberg's Morning Sickness.

[Eric]

And it is time now for the news. Brady's news. The only news you get this way. We call it the Brady Report. Brady reported.

[Kurt]

Got a brand new perversion to share with you today.

[Eric]

Cool.

[Kurt]

And it's not from the Japanese. This perversion comes from the Philippines. Filthy lines. It's called dogging.

[Eric]

Oh, I don't like this already.

[Kurt]

Dogging is fine art of sneaking up on a couple who are nailing each other in public place and spying on them. We used to call it VC or visual check.

[Eric]

Oh, you're giving a visual check. See, we called it the VC because we're the Vietcong. We're sneaking up out of the trees.

[Kurt]

Yep.

[Eric]

But you'd VC Your buddy who you knew was getting action.

[Kurt]

Correct.

[Eric]

We talked about this yesterday. It's like you knew that, you know, okay, Mark's gonna hump that girl from.

[Kurt]

They've got to be back from their movie. He was going out to a movie with her tonight they're probably at his.

[Eric]

Place because, you know, in college all you've got is sheets for curtains. You can see right through those.

[Kurt]

They may not sound too innovative or wild, but gets better. Dogging has gotten more popular in England because some exhibitionist couples have started telling people where to go to spy on them for the free show, which takes the creativeness out of that actually catching. So no one's exactly sure where the term dogging came from, but the most popular explanation is that the guys used to pretend to go walking imaginary dogs so they could spy on people having sex.

[Eric]

That's not much of a fetish.

[Kurt]

No, not too much.

[Eric]

Go ahead and have it yourself.

[Kurt]

You know of Spain's running of the bulls?

[Eric]

Yeah.

[Kurt]

And we see it on tv. Well, they do it in San Miguel, Allendo, Mexico, which is where I'm going for a couple years later this month. But they, over the weekend in San Miguel, they decided to get into Pamploma, Spain's house. There they do a running of bulls. Their own version. 47 people were gored, so it's a little worse.

[Eric]

They have a little meaner bulls there.

[Kurt]

Things got a little out of control in the streets of San Miguel. 47 people were Gord and four people are in critical condition. Just for comparison of the running the bulls in Spain, There are only eight gorings and zero deaths last year and they only had 15 deaths in the 95 years of the running. So if you want a quality running of the ball, you want action, you.

[Eric]

Want to go for what it was meant for. Those hypocrites in Spain have safed that up so much. They give people like a two minute head start on the bulls.

[Kurt]

Now when I'm over there, I'm gonna, I'll call up, see if I can get a hook that up, a little rebuttal action. Maybe they can cue the bulls again.

[Eric]

At least get the tape because that's a real running of the bulls. You give them fair ground. You don't get you. You don't put them on those brick streets where the bulls can't get their footing.

[Kurt]

Yeah, they have, they have the cobblestone streets there. But San Miguel, if you're to picture it, if you've ever seen the movie Once upon a Time in Mexico with Johnny Depp and Antonio Banderas, he looked like that. That was filmed in San Miguel. That's a cool town. Good, good college town. Just kidding.

[Eric]

College in Mexico.

[Kurt]

In Mount Clemens, Michigan, two cousins who got in a knife fight are both being prosecuted under 159 year old anti dueling law. The law was made in the books in 1846. Any person who shall engage in a duel with any deadly weapon, although not homicide ensue, who shall challenge another to fight in such a duel shall be guilty of a felony.

[Eric]

So I challenge you to a duel. I'm guilty.

[Kurt]

Correct. You could get a fine of 5,000 bucks, 10 years in prison and the dueler's quote shall be incapable of holding or being elected or appointed any place of honor, profit or trust.

[Eric]

So they're done?

[Kurt]

Yeah. You're labeled, right? The cousins names haven't been released. One's 19, the other's 31. Their duel was over a debt of 30 bucks. The 31 year old managed to stab the 19 year old during the duel. Kid is now in the hospital recovering from non life threatening hillbillies rule probably.

[Eric]

What do we do without him?

[Kurt]

They might have to bring back the dueling. I think there's. Is there still a state that still has a dueling law that probably a couple down south. 22 year old Anthony Eldridge of Indianapolis is a crackhead who got a brilliant idea to swap a bottle of lighter fluid for some rocks.

[Eric]

Wow. That's a desperate salesman.

[Kurt]

His dealer who's been identified by the police. You ready for his name? Little Willie?

[Scott]

Yeah.

[Kurt]

Little Willie told Anthony he'd give him some crap crack, not crap, if he could use lighter fluid to set him on fire.

[Eric]

You light my ass on fire, you get to crack. I do it.

[Kurt]

I think it was that real. I think it was the other way around.

[Eric]

Oh, the dude buying the crack, dude.

[Kurt]

That wanted the rock said let me.

[Eric]

Light you on fire.

[Kurt]

He goes I want some crack. And he says well give me your lighter fluid and let me light you on fire and I'll give you some rock.

[Eric]

And he did.

[Kurt]

Anthony said no, but Little Willie went ahead and doused him in the fluid and set him on fire anyway.

[Eric]

Did he get his crack?

[Kurt]

Don't know.

[Eric]

Why did Little Willy light him on fire? I'm not understanding well enough fire that.

[Kurt]

Anthony suffered third degree burns on 50 of his body. He's in the hospital, serious condition. Little Willie is still on the lamb. Little Willie, Willy. Willy won't.

[Eric]

It sounds like Little Willie would be a nice guy with a name like that. Little Willie.

[Kurt]

The police say he's about 22 years old, 5ft 4.

[Eric]

Yep.

[Kurt]

145 pounds.

[Eric]

Little Willie's a badass.

[Kurt]

And the final thing you're looking for, lighter fluid has a glass eye. It's Sammy Davis Jr. ABC 6 Indianapolis if you wanna. Either that or the son of Sandy.

[Eric]

Duncan who can light a crackhead begging for some rock.

[Kurt]

You might have a box of Triscuits with him or something.

[Eric]

You can have my crack, but you've gotta suck my sorry.

[Kurt]

Who can start a fire?

[Eric]

I could write the whole Candyman song based on little Willie.

[Kurt]

39 year old Douglas Kelly of Slidell, Louisiana had his pregnant girlfriend and she was sitting at home. So he decided to head over to his favorite local strip club, the Scuttlebutt Gentleman's club, drop a few hundred on lap dances and drinks. He knew his girlfriend would be furious when she found out he spent that much money on strippers. Instead of, you know, baby furniture, prenatal care stuff. So he concocted a brilliant lie to explain why he was gone for several hours. Douglas told his girlfriend that he had gone from. Gone to a local Exxon station to buy dog food when someone hit him in the back of the head, stole 500 bucks from his wallet and forced him into the trunk of his 94 Cadillac.

[Eric]

He was five deep at the strip club.

[Kurt]

I'll fill you in on the exact details. Douglas was stuck in the trunk for two hours until he found the emergency release lever to get it out and then drove home to tell his story, called the police to report it. The only hitch in the Giddy up in the story. Exxon doesn't sell dog food, John. There's 400 bucks left in his wallet and the Cadillac doesn't even have a release button in the trunk. He was charged with falsifying a police report. Come on, find 500 bucks.

[Eric]

So? Well, how evil is his girlfriend? He'd rather go to jail or pay 500 bucks and make up a story about getting kidnapped and tell her he was at a strip club.

[Kurt]

Well, I don't think that's evil.

[Eric]

Why?

[Kurt]

Well, that's just.

[Eric]

She's evil.

[Kurt]

She's either really understanding, but I don't know what kind of. You gotta understand when you have a pregnant wife, the hormonal monster that you're looking right now to do something like that. I could just tell you that's not a good call.

[Eric]

So a pregnant woman.

[Kurt]

Unless you're telling her, hey, you mind if I go there?

[Eric]

Yeah, but a wrath of a pregnant woman is worth a falsified police report and pretend kidnapping rather than just saying I'm sorry, things get out of hand. We went to a strip club.

[Kurt]

Choice in activities.

[Eric]

I know.

[Kurt]

Knowing that you'd get into trouble.

[Eric]

So you get into trouble. But it's Worth it more to get in trouble with the than it is with her.

[Kurt]

He figured he'd never get called out on his brilliant story.

[Eric]

But he'd have to file reports and have the police at the house.

[Kurt]

My opinion, he's got it coming to him.

[Eric]

Sure. For marrying that Tasmanian she devil.

[Kurt]

Well, she sounds a little possessive because gone for a couple hours, he has to concoct something.

[Eric]

That's what I'm saying. She's nuts. If you went to a strip club and Ronnie was waiting up for you, tapping her toe. Brady went to his strip. I know. On the off chance this is mythology, would you roll in and tell her I got kidnapped? Or would you just say, I'm sorry, I was at a strip joint?

[Kurt]

No. Exactly. I was at bourbon street and Lakota was a pro. I lost 200 bucks. I'm sorry.

[Eric]

You went to the casino.

[Kurt]

You looked very nice tonight.

[Eric]

I was at the zoo. Things weren't looking good.

[Kurt]

If you sometimes skip a payment on your new kia for a month, hoping you could dodge the repo man collection agencies until the lottery numbers finally hit for you. While auto dealers across the US Are starting to install a device called on time.

[Eric]

Oh boy.

[Kurt]

With cars that they sell, what's on time do? Well, if you miss a payment, they hit the chip and it just shuts your car down.

[Eric]

How far behind do you have to be?

[Kurt]

Basically like a month. Yeah. 1500. 1500 dealers across u. S. Are using on time, which is distributed by a payment protection systems of Temecula, California. As long as your payments are on time, you'll never notice it's a little black keypad that's mounted under the dashboard. But on the first day you're delinquent, it has a red light that blinks like day four. The device is also beeping constantly. Oh, and if you're five days late, shut down.

[Eric]

If you're five days late. I've been five days late and I pay my payments all the time. It's been. Who hasn't been five days late?

[Kurt]

Maybe it's a month in five days and then you got a five day.

[Eric]

But still.

[Kurt]

But once you make payment, you get a coat to punch in your on time little black box which makes the car work again.

[Eric]

That's horrible.

[Kurt]

There's a dealer in St. Petersburg, Florida that's been using the on time since last October. Well, at October, 65% of his clients were making payments on time. Now since the on time has been in 95%.

[Eric]

Really?

[Kurt]

Sure.

[Eric]

That's just awful. That's just a. Your Car gets shut down. Like on a date or something? Yeah. What's that noise a couple days later? My car payment. That an alarm for it? Oh, yeah. Just ignore it.

[Kurt]

You get halfway to Harvey's Wine Burger and it shuts down.

[Eric]

You haven't made your payments. Uh oh.

[Kurt]

Here's the shocking expose. I've got the truth about Quicksam. Today's extremely timely whistleblowing report comes from the scientists at the University of Amsterdam in the Netherlands. They're putting the word out. Hollywood movies are not an accurate reflection of real life.

[Eric]

What?

[Kurt]

Yes, it's impossible for you to get sucked into and drown in quicksand.

[Eric]

I've heard that.

[Kurt]

Actually, quicksand is made up of salt, sand, clay, and a lot of water. And you know how you float in the water? You also float in quicksand.

[Eric]

I never.

[Kurt]

I don't.

[Eric]

I don't think.

[Kurt]

As long as you don't struggle too much. When you struggle, that's when you sink because you're basically stirring the quick. The quicksand. And it makes.

[Eric]

Where is quicksand? It's a cartoon invention, isn't it?

[Kurt]

Even though you can. You can never be totally submerged in quicksand. Once he gets ahold of you, you're in trouble.

[Eric]

Have you ever known anybody that's been near quicksand?

[Larry McFeely]

John Holmberg's morning sickness. The night.

[Wayne]

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[Diane Fisher]

Hey, it's Larry McFeely here with Wayne from Amco and Wayne. Now that it's getting warmer, I turned on the AC in my car and the air is blowing kind of cool, but it really smells like a basement. What can I do about that, Larry?

[Unknown]

Your car's AC system should be checked and serviced every year. Plus, replacing the cabin air filter helps the air blow strong and takes away any nasty smell.

[Eric]

Nice.

[Diane Fisher]

Is that a big deal to get done?

[Eric]

Not at all.

[Unknown]

It takes about an hour and in most cases, we can do it while you wait.

[Kurt]

That's awesome.

[Unknown]

I'll say.

[Diane Fisher]

We're Amco Google AMCO for your nearest location. That's AMCO code double A. MCO transmissions and a whole lot more.

[Larry McFeely]

Holmberg's morning sickness.

[Kurt]

If you wiggle your legs around, John, and try to yank them out of the quicksand, you create a vacuum.

[Eric]

Well, you can't swim on quicksand. It'll. It will. Where's quicksand?

[Kurt]

I'll try to find out.

[Eric]

Here? Nowhere.

[Kurt]

Let me tell you the right way to get out of quicksand. Raise your legs up as slow, slowly as possible, and slowly try to bring them to the surface.

[Eric]

Yeah.

[Kurt]

So you're laying on your back. Once you're on your back, you can float yourself to dry land, right?

[Eric]

Of course. Eating me. I'm not gonna be calm.

[Kurt]

You need to float your way to the safety of. In a bog of quicksand. You should never be alarmed, of course. I mean, how many times have you. You or anyone you know actually seen quicksand in real life?

[Eric]

Exactly. Here's my deal, though. If you're in a situation where you're sinking in quicksand, you're in a bad spot of town, you put yourself there. And maybe that's one of the hazards.

[Kurt]

Of whatever the hell you're doing, where quicksand might be.

[Eric]

Where's quicksand?

[Kurt]

Well, we gotta have quicksand.

[Eric]

People are calling, trying to tell us where.

[Kurt]

Quicksand, Salt, sand and clay. We've got that up in the.

[Eric]

Where I want to go stand in quicksand. We'll put Eric payday. Stuntman will get in the quicksand. We'll see if we can. If there's quicksand anywhere near the area, we'll put Eric in it. Cause I need to. I've never even known. Where's quicksand?

[Kurt]

Tom delay, the House Majority Leader, was indicted by a grand jury in Texas yesterday for criminal conspiracy and has stepped down from his post as House Majority leader. Pretty obviously. Delay laundered 190,000 in corporate donations, then used the cash to help a Republican's running for state offices in Texas. The problem is that Texas law clearly bans corporate cash from being used in state campaigns. Delay says he has done nothing wrong and that the Texas District Attorney who's going after him just as a partisan attack says, don't be fooled. The DA Ronnie Earl has gone after 15 elected politicians in his time. 12 of them were Democrats.

[Eric]

Oh, really? Well, he doesn't care. He just goes after wrongdoer. Are these people all quicksand people?

[Kurt]

As far as I had heard on the whole thing, I guess the delays. Actually was asked to endorse the whole thing. Not really being involved, but I'm just.

[Eric]

Absolutely sick of politics.

[Kurt]

None of it's like, where does this come from now?

[Eric]

Yeah, who cares?

[Kurt]

Yeah.

[Eric]

Where's quicksand?

[Scott]

Quicksand's in, like, northern Arizona.

[Eric]

How far up, though?

[Scott]

Like. Like the Little Colorado river, about 200 miles from here.

[Eric]

No. Have you been stuck in quicksand?

[Scott]

I mean, I. I haven't got stuck in it, but horses and stuff get stuck in it all the time, Right.

[Eric]

And they just stand in it, right?

[Scott]

Yeah. Well, you can't move. You got to lay down. If you don't lay down, then you keep going down.

[Kurt]

So the horse. Do you, like, cut off a limb of a tree and hang it over there and pull them to safety?

[Eric]

Like the Tanto Lone Ranger.

[Kurt]

Yeah.

[Scott]

Just gotta, like, kind of twist their neck until they lay sideways, and then when they're sideways, they're cool.

[Unknown]

Really?

[Eric]

And then what, you just drag them out?

[Scott]

Yeah, then you just drag them out.

[Eric]

All right. I need to put Eric in some quicksand.

[Scott]

All right.

[Eric]

Well, yeah, if you can. If you can give me exact locations, like gps. Pinpoint some quicksand.

[Kurt]

Can you see it?

[Scott]

Pinpoint some clicks in us.

[Kurt]

Is it pretty obvious when you see it, or is it, like, really disguised?

[Scott]

No, it's disguised. It looks the same as dirt, but then you'll get on, and it's like ice. The whole ground will start moving, and then you'll just break through, and then you'll be sinking.

[Eric]

Cool. All right. We're gonna find some quicksand. Thanks, man.

[Scott]

Right on, man.

[Eric]

Hi, there. Who's this? You know where quicksand is?

[Scott]

Scott.

[Eric]

Scott. What do you got?

[Scott]

Yeah, up in. Me and buddy of mine used to go hiking a lot up in the Paria Canyon. That starts in Kanab, Utah, and goes to Lee's Ferry. There's a bunch of quicksand pits up there.

[Eric]

Really? Are they marked? No, no. You just accidentally find him. All right, we gotta get Eric in some quicksand.

[Kurt]

Yeah.

[Eric]

Well, get this beautiful Lee's Ferry, then. Okay, thanks.

[Kurt]

Like I said, you create a vacuum by. If you wiggle, you panic.

[Eric]

Yeah.

[Kurt]

And you. It creates the sound. The same amount of force that it would. That it takes to lift up a Volkswagen. That's how much of the vacuum is.

[Eric]

So are we talking a Jetta or a Toric?

[Kurt]

A Passat.

[Eric]

Okay.

[Kurt]

Not a Beetle.

[Eric]

All right. Sorry. I just want to get on the quicksand thing for a second. I got to put Eric in some quicksand.

[Kurt]

Yeah, but I. I think that'll be part. Gonna have to not panic.

[Eric]

That'll be part of John Holmberg's world.

[Kurt]

Touring Quick sand quicksand box.

[Eric]

Run to the quicksand box when I get my Tuareg. Are you done?

[Kurt]

Yeah. That's it.

[Eric]

Oh, that's it. All right. Nice job, Brig.

[Kurt]

I have one last one.

[Eric]

All right, go ahead.

[Kurt]

I always thought the Germans pride themselves on not being unbelievably lazy. Crowd inventors have created a bar placemat. I don't think it's really lazy so much, but it weighs Your glass of beer automatically signals the waitress when your glass is empty.

[Eric]

Nick at the Olive Garden could use this little. Alarms go off when the weight of the glass is too light.

[Kurt]

If, you know you're too lazy to lift your finger, flag her down yourself or it's kind of uncomfortable. The placemats do it for you. Go off like an alarm. It debuted in the conference of Japan last month. Todayonline.com we need to get these for.

[Eric]

Nick over at the Olive Garden. Worst waiter ever.

[Kurt]

I wanted to go not only to beer glass, but soup, salad, Olive Garden would be all.

[Eric]

Yeah, everything just for Nick. It seems like all other waiters seem to get it.

[Kurt]

But the other problem with Nick is he would bring too little.

[Eric]

Yeah, he would. He wouldn't bring enough. That's true. He'd bring you, like, half a glass of tea and then, like, a little salad. He was trying for a party of seven. Guys. We got, like, one thing of all you can eat salad. We all had to, like, eat a leaf. And then that second salad that showed up was just croutons. Worst waiter ever.

[Kurt]

The first batch came out with a couple tomatoes.

[Eric]

We did get tomatoes. And you just kept nitpicking and grabbing onions out, but you were losing half the salad when you took something out. Yeah, we had tomatoes. We had two onions, 150 croutons, and then a leaf of lettuce to split seven ways.

[Kurt]

You think that was mixed by Nick?

[Eric]

Well, that was the first one.

[Kurt]

Yeah.

[Eric]

Yeah, I think Nick did that one. Worst waiter ever. Do you think he's still there today? We're going back. We're going back. We're going back for more today. And we're going to request Nick, see if he's.

[Kurt]

Try again.

[Eric]

Try again. Nick. We did. You guys didn't tip me. You didn't bring us any food. What did you expect?

[Kurt]

We tipped him.

[Eric]

We didn't tip him. Tipped him 33 cents.

[Kurt]

Really?

[Eric]

Yes. Nick didn't bring us any food.

[Kurt]

Yep.

[Eric]

And what does he want? We did not tip him. We tipped Derek. Nick got blanked and I don't do that that often.

[Kurt]

And he didn't. He didn't really finish the job. He did hand the check but he disappeared and Derek stepped in.

[Eric]

Derek gave us our food.

[Kurt]

Yeah.

[Eric]

6:34 in the morning sickness. Nick disappeared for nine full minutes while Chuck was banging around the the glasses like a monkey in a cage.

[Kurt]

He had. He had a total of coffee.

[Eric]

Nick's working today.

[Kurt]

He had three different drinks between seven people. That was it.

[Eric]

That's it.

[Kurt]

Four iced tea.

[Eric]

Iced tea, honor plate. Palmer. Diet Coke.

[Kurt]

Yeah. Five iced teas.

[Eric]

Yeah, that was it. Couldn't get a drink out of Nick. We're calling see if Nick's working in a little while. We're going to get over there.

[Kurt]

I think the day under the belt. I think he's going to be. Nick's done dialed in.

[Eric]

Nick was fired yesterday about 3:30. Nick, we need to talk in your office. Okay, I'll be right. I'll be right there. Nick, I asked you to come to my office 12 minutes ago. Where have you been? I have been lost all day.

[Wayne]

I feel lost.

[Kurt]

I'm lost.

[Eric]

Come in the office. Nick, you're scaring everybody. Okay, over here. Nick, you're facing the wrong way again. Oh boy.

[Kurt]

Can I take your order? Cottonmouth.

[Eric]

Cottonmouth. Nick's that guy at the Grand Canyon looking the other way. You know that group, that tour group that goes to the. And you see them and they're all looking. And there's one guy looking the other way. That's Nick. That was Nick the Oliver. Yeah. He's a steep tree.

[Diane Fisher]

Yeah.

[Eric]

Look at this tree is so cool. Nick, turn around the Grand Canyon. Yeah, but there's a. Mesquites are down here all over. Wow.

[Kurt]

You just made me think of a grand. I want a tour of the Grand Canyon given by Nick.

[Eric]

He'd walk right in. Where did this come from? Greatest thing I've ever seen in my life. Tour of the Grand Canyon. I'm 13 years old. We're up there. Everybody's going. Tour group goes by and I. My dad I thought was going to throw me in the ditch. We're standing there and this tour goes by. And in the back of the tour there are three full on canes and glasses. Blind people facing the wrong way listening to what they should see. And they're at the Grand Canyon. And I'm like who is your travel agent? I said that to my dad who Is their travel agent that thought this was a good trip for them.

[Kurt]

They could have saved some dough.

[Eric]

Just take them to, like, you know, backyard. It didn't matter. Yeah, just have somebody blowing on them and have an occasional flyby look at the majestic Grand Canyon. Except you two in the back who can't see anything.

[Kurt]

I would have put on maybe a little more. You have a hawk and stuff. And then really go the nine yards and say, evel Knievel's ready to jump.

[Eric]

Yeah, have a guy on a motorcycle crank that up. Oh, the majestic eagle. Look, everyone but you three in the back have your friends. Ooh, yes, me. But yeah, it was the greatest thing of all time. My dad's a. Quit laughing. They can't see who's laughing. Quit laughing at them.

[Kurt]

And what you do is. I'm holding out my arm right now. The eagle is gonna light on my arm, and now I'm gonna feed it a leg of chicken and just have someone start eating a drumstick.

[Eric]

But why do you go to the Grand Canyon if you're blind and you got two blind friends you talked into it. Hey, you guys want to go listen to the Grand Canyon?

[Kurt]

Well, I'll tell you, they probably would appreciate the trip more than the average would not. Could you imagine the smells they're picking up?

[Eric]

They're picking up nothing. They're at a hole.

[Kurt]

Yeah, that's bighorn sheep.

[Eric]

That's the canyon. That's the smell of. There's the fire from the smell of the Grand Canyon. That's a German tourist there. What that is.

[Kurt]

Hang on, I hear a plane. It's going down.

[Eric]

They can hear that crash in the Colorado River. That's a smell of death in the Grand Canyon. Blind people at the can and they were facing the opposite way. And nobody said, guys, it's over here. Because what do they care?

[Kurt]

From what I've heard, you wish you were blind sometimes riding on the back of the mules down there.

[Eric]

Well, that would have been the best thing to see if they actually took.

[Kurt]

Them right over that edge.

[Eric]

Oh, that mule would walk 25ft. What are you guys doing here? What are you doing? My time as a mule and the ways of your time as a blind dude.

[Kurt]

I don't know. Maybe there's some. I bet you a couple of blind people say, oh, you're way off.

[Eric]

No, blind people would you confuse. No, they wouldn't. They have to say that they're blind. If they didn't, they'd have no reason to live. They have to act like they feel It.

[Kurt]

Maybe.

[Eric]

But the whole point of the Grand Canyon is visual. It isn't a sensory thing. It's visual. That's it. That's the only sense that gets stimulated by the Grand Canyon.

[Kurt]

Or the breakfast buffet at the Tovre.

[Eric]

Exactly. Go to the Tovray. You can smell that bacon. Maybe that's why they were facing that direction. They could smell the bacon at the Tovre, but they're like, this is great.

[Kurt]

When does breakfast start?

[Eric]

Yeah, go listen to Niagara Falls. I'll give you that one. Because there's moisture in the air. You can feel it. It's large sound.

[Kurt]

Could reenact that one, but Hoover.

[Eric]

Yeah. You could just turn on a faucet, shower.

[Kurt]

Want to go a little heavier than that?

[Eric]

It only took us 18 minutes to get from Arizona to the Niagara.

[Kurt]

I never realized how hot the water was over the Niagara Falls.

[Eric]

If there's one blind person out there listening right now, that's gone to the Canyon. That's been to the Canyon. Tell me why, and I'll tell you. You got fooled. Blind people at the Canyon is.

[Kurt]

I bet you'd be surprised.

[Eric]

I'm not. I would be surprised, Brady. And the minute a blind person said, see, I'm not afraid to tell blind people they're full of crap just because they're blind. So many people are nice to blind people about what they feel and think. No, you're blind. You're missing a part. It's nothing to be ashamed of. But you're blind. You're gonna miss out on stuff like the Grand Canyon. It's all visual. And for everything they tell me they felt.

[Kurt]

I'm not gonna say for you on that. I don't think they miss out on it other than. And, you know, seeing it. Exactly. There's. There's other things to appreciate missing out.

[Eric]

On the Grand Canyon. What about it is other than.

[Kurt]

Give me time on this.

[Eric]

Tell me what those three. And as the guy taking the money for the tour do you just.

[Kurt]

They got.

[Eric]

Don't charge. Don't charge the blind at the Canyon. It's just. There's no reason to do it. Blind people sometimes just need to know their limits. No reason to ride a bike, drive a car, or see the Canyon. None. It's not impressive. It's just dumb.

[Kurt]

You can feel it. Maybe you can't feel the canyon, the majestic.

[Eric]

No, no, you cannot feel. Oh, geez. The canyon. It's 98 KUPD. If you're blind, stay home.

[Larry McFeely]

Today, Arizona's most powerful rock radio station. He said fully erect.

[J]

98 KUPT hi, I'm Diane Fisher from Fisher Tools. From our humble beginnings in 1964 at the Phoenix park and swap to our 4 acre campus located just south of Tempe Marketplace off the 202Emmett Clintock. Fisher Tools has been building the valley for over 60 years. Come check us out and browse our huge selection of tools and anything you need to do the job right. We carry Milwaukee, DeWalt, Makita and so much more. We're also [e-mail] KUPD listeners will receive 10% off their order when you mention this ad. Fishertools. If we don't have it, we can't sell it.