BEST OF HMS PODCASTS - THURSDAY - March 13, 2025 - Bert Kreischer - May 2014

Summary

Holmberg's Morning Sickness - Arizona: Best of HMS Podcasts with Bert Kreischer (March 13, 2025)

Hosted by Brady Bogan, Bret Vesely, and Dick Toledo

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Introduction

In this standout episode of Holmberg's Morning Sickness (HMS), aired on March 13, 2025, Arizona's favorite morning radio show features a memorable interview with renowned comedian Bert Kreischer. The episode, part of the "Best of HMS Podcasts" series, delves deep into Kreischer's vibrant life, his foray into authorship, and his legendary party anecdotes. Hosted by Brady Bogan, Bret Vesely, and Dick Toledo, the conversation is both entertaining and revealing, offering listeners a glimpse into the humorous and chaotic life of one of comedy’s most beloved figures.

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Bert Kreischer on Writing and Audiobooks

The discussion kicks off with Bert Kreischer sharing his experiences transitioning from stand-up comedy to authorship. Kreischer candidly discusses the challenges he faced in writing his memoir, Life of the Party: Stories of a Perpetual Man-Child.

“At first, I was like, I can't do this. Literally within the first 20 minutes of doing it,” Kreischer admits at [01:30], highlighting the difficulties he encountered while recording the audiobook version of his book. The conversation takes a humorous turn when Kreischer mentions being told he might be dyslexic, to which he responds, “Seriously? Yeah,” at [02:04]. This moment underscores the relatable struggles writers often face and adds a layer of self-deprecation that fans appreciate.

Bogan probes deeper into Kreischer's motivations, asking, “What's the point?” at [02:56]. Kreischer responds thoughtfully, explaining that while his first book didn't generate significant financial gain, it elevated his status within the comedy world and set the stage for future projects.

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Celebrity Encounters and Comedic Mishaps

Kreischer shares a series of entertaining encounters with celebrities, showcasing his knack for finding himself in outrageous situations. One of the most notable stories involves his interaction with famed chef Giada De Laurentiis. At [05:06], Kreischer recounts meeting Giada at an airport while both were intoxicated:

“And she's beautiful, and I want to say to her, I'm trying to say, listen, we're both work for networks that are owned by Scripps, but that's not what's coming out. What comes out is we own each other. And she's like, what?”

The humorous aftermath of this encounter includes Kreischer’s playful altercation with Patrice O'Neal’s memory of the event, adding layers to the storytelling that keep listeners engaged and laughing.

Another highlight is Kreischer’s humorous take on a past interaction with Slash of Guns N’ Roses during an interview segment on the X Show. Kreischer narrates how his drunken antics led to an amusing yet awkward moment with the iconic guitarist, emphasizing his ability to blend humor with candid confession.

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Legendary Party Stories

A significant portion of the episode is dedicated to Kreischer’s infamous party stories, which are both outrageous and illustrative of his "life of the party" persona. At [08:00], Kreischer describes attending a massive party in Pennsylvania under the guise of writing a book about partying—a pretense that leads to one of his most legendary stories:

“And so some 15 years later, I don't know her name. I don't know where she lives. I don't know if she's married or not. But I am a man of my word. Honey, you made it in the book.”

This anecdote not only highlights Kreischer’s commitment to his word but also his hilarious misadventures that became the foundation of his book's success.

Brady Bogan adds to the hilarity by referencing Kreischer's “Russia at the time” story, noting it as a pivotal narrative that helped sell his book. Kreischer’s ability to turn wild partying experiences into engaging storytelling demonstrates his unique comedic talent.

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Personal Stories and Vulnerability

Transitioning from party tales, Kreischer opens up about more personal experiences, including a poignant story about dating a girl with cerebral palsy. At [11:56], he reflects:

“She was crazy and had cerebral palsy, right?”

This confession brings a moment of vulnerability to the conversation, offering listeners a deeper understanding of Kreischer beyond his comedic facade. The story explores themes of acceptance, personal growth, and the challenges that come with forming relationships under the influence of excessive partying.

Kreischer’s honesty about his limitations in recognizing his girlfriend’s condition while intoxicated adds depth to his character and resonates with listeners who appreciate authenticity in their favorite comedians.

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Humorous Banter and Closing Remarks

Throughout the episode, the chemistry between Kreischer and the hosts shines brightly. Their playful exchanges, such as teasing Kreischer about accidentally dating someone with cerebral palsy and joking about being "the conqueror," infuse the conversation with lighthearted humor.

At [07:12], Brady Bogan humorously references a prior story Kreischer shared:

“So Bert Kreisler's Life of the Party Stories of a Perpetual Man Child includes the story you told here on our show once, which is legendary now, of the Russia at the time in Russia.”

This back-and-forth not only entertains but also reinforces Kreischer's status as a larger-than-life personality whose stories have earned a legendary status among listeners.

The episode concludes with Kreischer reflecting on his party lifestyle and its repercussions, providing a balanced view that mixes humor with introspection. The hosts wrap up the conversation by celebrating Kreischer's candidness and ability to turn even the most chaotic experiences into comedy gold.

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Notable Quotes

• Bert Kreischer on Audiobooks: “Get the audiobook and listen to me be horrible at reading.” ([01:26])

• Kreischer on Dyslexia: “I think you might be dyslexic. Seriously? Yeah.” ([02:04])

• Kreischer’s Pennsylvania Party Story: “Honey, you made it in the book.” ([08:00])

• Kreischer on Personal Relationships: “She was crazy and had cerebral palsy, right?” ([11:56])

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Conclusion

This episode of Holmberg's Morning Sickness masterfully balances humor, personal anecdotes, and candid conversation, making it a must-listen for fans of Bert Kreischer and morning radio alike. Kreischer's ability to intertwine outrageous party stories with moments of vulnerability provides a well-rounded and engaging narrative. The hosts' adept interviewing and playful banter ensure that the conversation remains lively and entertaining from start to finish. Whether you're a long-time listener or new to the show, this episode offers a captivating glimpse into the life of one of comedy’s most dynamic personalities.

Transcript

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[Brady Bogan]

You're listening to the HMS Podcast brought to you by MMP Guns, your trusted source for firearms and Accessories [e-mail] the best of the morning sickness is on the air.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do any of you people do any actual work?

[Brady Bogan]

The rest of Homeburg's morning sickness. Look who's upon us right now. It's our buddy, our pal, the machine. Great burnt Chrysler's on the phone. Are you there, sir?

[Bert Kreischer]

It is good to talk to you guys.

[Brady Bogan]

It is. You're right.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know, I'm coming in town like two weeks.

[Brady Bogan]

Oh, then what are we talking to now for? We'll see in a couple weeks.

[Bert Kreischer]

I got a book.

[Brady Bogan]

I know what's going on here now. First off, you're calling me to talk about your book and I don't read because I would much rather have you tell me these stories because I can't. I don't read good. I'm not a good reader. What do you tell people like me about your book? How do I get through your book? Because I'm terrible at reading.

[Bert Kreischer]

Get the audiobook and listen to me be horrible at reading.

[Brady Bogan]

Isn't that. Are you a reader? You don't strike me as a guy who sits down and curls up with a book.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, I. I am someone who sits up, sits, curls up and listens to a book.

[Brady Bogan]

You listen to them?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah. And so that's why I was like, I definitely got to do an audiobook because I would. I'd buy the audiobook. And so we went to do the audiobook, and then they had me read the entire book from front to the end. And I was like, I can't do this. Literally within the first 20 minutes of doing it. The guy who was doing my audiobook was like, do you need glasses? I was like, no. He's like, I think he goes, I think you might be dyslexic. Seriously? Yeah.

[Brady Bogan]

Did you get that?

[Bert Kreischer]

I was like, oh, I think I am, too.

[Brady Bogan]

That would be perfect. Now, here's the thing, though. If you're reading it and, like, because I'm a good reader, I just don't like it. So I start to drift. I drift off.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, that's what I do.

[Brady Bogan]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I read. I read. Tried to read my Memoirs of a Geisha. And the first sentence is, I was born on the windy cliffs of Okinawa. And this voice in my head like, I wonder if she knows Mr. Miyagi.

[Brady Bogan]

That's what I do. And I start. And then I have to start backtracking because I'm like, did I imagine some of this. Like, is some of this story stuff I made up as I was going along, or is it in the book? Then I just start over, and I'm like, I'll wait for the movie. Are you going to get a movie out of this book of yours?

[Bert Kreischer]

That would be nice. Right now, I'd just like to sell more than 5,000 books.

[Brady Bogan]

How many books do you need to sell? How many do you need to sell, Bert, before this thing is a financial boon for you?

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, I've already made. I'm never going to make money on this book.

[Brady Bogan]

What's the point?

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, it's. Honestly, that's a really great question. I don't know. The point, per se. Say here's, here's what I know is that when you write a book, you get put into a different level of type of comic you are. And meeting you can take and people, and you have all the intellectual property is then stated down that it's yours. And obviously, I've had issues with people taking intellectual property with me in the past. So It's. It's. It's stated now. The point of your first book is, like, they give you, like, real numbers. They're like, if you can pre order 800 copies, we'll be shocked. And so we did pre order, like, around 20. And so they were blown away. So then you get the right to write a second book, and that's where you make your money. Like, when you get your second book deal, that's where you make real money.

[Brady Bogan]

Now, Bert, were you the guy who farted on Jessica Simpson in a plane?

[Bert Kreischer]

No. You know who that is? Josh Sneed.

[Brady Bogan]

Okay, Josh Sneed.

[Bert Kreischer]

All right.

[Brady Bogan]

Because I heard somebody do that joke, and I thought. I thought that was Burt's, because you've got so many stories, and that struck me something you might do.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. By the way, totally Farted on Nick Lachey once.

[Brady Bogan]

So it's in the family. You guys have got the whole group down pretty awesome.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, I met 98 degrees doing Rachel Ray. And. And, you know, they got that. That sloppy guy, the kind of like, everyone's good looking. And then they got the one guy who clearly must be able to sing.

[Brady Bogan]

Yeah, that's Rachel Ray.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, no, no. In 98 degrees, there's the guy with the goatee that I used to say. I looked and I. I said to them, not realizing he'd be there. I was like, I always thought I looked like the ugly guy from 98 Degrees.

[Brady Bogan]

Oh, ouch.

[Bert Kreischer]

There you go. He was. And he's there like, wait, who's the ugly one? And I was like, it's you, clearly. Yeah, it's not Nick. It might be his brother, but. But you're clearly. The guy must be able to sing if he's in the band. Everyone else is figureheads and he's got to have some lungs on him, I'm sure. Oh, yeah. To be in that.

[Brady Bogan]

What did you make? Because when you said the ugly guy, I just pictured Rachel. Right. What did you make on her show?

[Bert Kreischer]

I made a couple. I married a couple. I took. I've been on a show a bunch. I've done. I did. I found a couple down at city hall and I brought them back to the show and married them on the air. I jumped out of a plane with her. I got in a hamster ball with her. I rappelled down a cliff with her. We rode horses. We're supposed to go shark diving, but I can't get her to commit to a date.

[Brady Bogan]

Oh, you and Rachel are besties. Wow.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Brady Bogan]

What does that mean?

[Bert Kreischer]

I got hammered with her one time in Mexico. We had bodyguards and she was like. She was like, hey, let's take our bodyguards down to the beach and make them fight. I was like, can we do that? She's like, well, we're never gonna know if we don't drive.

[Brady Bogan]

She sounds fun.

[Bert Kreischer]

She's a blast.

[Brady Bogan]

Really? All right. Because I can't watch cooking shows, so she drives. Like, if you were on there, I might.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, my God. How about. Have you ever watched who's the. Who's the Giada? Giada De Laurentiis. I ran into Giada at an airport and I was hammered. And we're both flying to New York and our flight's getting delayed and we're in, like, the first class lounge, and I'm uncomfortable because I'm there and I Want to say to her. And I see her, and she's beautiful, And I want to say to her, I'm trying to say, listen, we're both work for networks that are owned by Scripps, but that's not what's coming out. What comes out is we own each other. And she's like, what? And I go, the conqueror. I'm the conqueror. Look at me. And she's, like, freaking out. I was like, come on. Come on. Where you going? And then. And then I don't see her again. She gets put on a different flight. I run into her up front, like, two years ago, and, like, all these dudes are, like, all swooning over her, and everyone wants to meet her. And someone says to me, have you met Giada? And I said, I met her one time. I don't think she. Hopefully, she doesn't remember. And so I go up and they introduce us. Like, Giada, do you know Bert? And she looks at me with terror in her eyes. She goes, the conqueror, huh?

[Brady Bogan]

Hey, you know what's awesome? During that story, Bert, you turned into Snow White. There were, like, birds singing.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes. Did you step outside? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Brady Bogan]

Did you hear who's the most glorious story about being drunk I've ever heard? They're like little chirping birds. And I picture you feeding a fawn.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. That's our backyard. My daughters are obsessed with bird feeders, so we have birds all over our backyard.

[Brady Bogan]

So Bert Kreisler's Life of the Party Stories of a Perpetual Man Child includes the story you told here on our show once, which is legendary now, of the Russia at the time in Russia.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. That's the story that sold the book.

[Brady Bogan]

Yeah, that's. That's glorious Homburg's morning sickness. But I want to know, like, the one that I like the most is where you went over to, like, college towns and said you were doing it. Now. You got cameras that follow you around, right? So people think you're doing TV shows, and you go. You go to Pennsylvania and you're like, hey, by the way, we're doing a show about how awesome a party town this is, and they threw a massive party for you.

[Bert Kreischer]

We, me and my buddy Eddie go. This is like, back before anything was this, like, right out of college. But I had been written up in Rolling Stone, and Eddie convinced these people that we were writing a book about partying and that we hadn't seen any parties and that we had nothing to write about. So these girls threw the biggest party I've ever been to in my entire life. And literally, I mean, it's like out of a Guy Ritchie movie. We're lighting things on fire. We've got a bar to ourselves. There's thousands of people partying with us. They clear the bar out, all the girls are with us, and it's like, just me and the hottest blonde. It's three in the morning, I am hammered, and I am trying desperately to get in her pants. And she literally stops me and goes, hey, buddy, I'm just doing enough to get in the book. I'm like, what book? She goes, the book you're writing. I go, I'm not writing a book. She was like, wait, the only reason we're here is they said you were writing a book. I was like, oh, no, no, no, no. The book, the book. So some 15 years later, I don't know her name. I don't know where she lives. I don't know if she's married or not. But I am a man of my word. Honey, you made it in the book.

[Brady Bogan]

She's in the book.

[Bert Kreischer]

She's in the book.

[Brady Bogan]

What did she do?

[Bert Kreischer]

Nothing. She didn't do anything. I'm married now.

[Brady Bogan]

I'm sorry.

[Bert Kreischer]

Broke.

[Brady Bogan]

I coke.

[Bert Kreischer]

My wife. My wife helped me write the book.

[Brady Bogan]

That's right.

[Bert Kreischer]

As I'd write a chapter, I'd send it to my wife and my wife would come back with notes. And in that chapter, she didn't have any notes. She was like, it's good as it is.

[Brady Bogan]

There's three pages of you fingering some girl in Pennsylvania. That didn't make the book. Edit that out.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Brady Bogan]

Was it in pen? It says it was in Pennsylvania here.

[Bert Kreischer]

So what's that?

[Brady Bogan]

It was Penn State, right? It was like you had to be in State college.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Brady Bogan]

So you probably did get fingered and, you know, you blocked it out because everybody, every guy, got fingered.

[Bert Kreischer]

I wrote. I wrote about. I wrote about. I thought I might have been molested at basketball camp one time, but I wrote about that, and they didn't want that in the book.

[Brady Bogan]

Well, tell us that. That's a little extra. That's like the deleted scene. Yeah, he might have blacked it out. Now, what. What made you think you might have been molested?

[Bert Kreischer]

I got a concussion. Like, my first day was a Villanova basketball camp, and I got a concussion and they sent me to the rectory and they had me. They had to keep me up, wake me up every hour on the hour.

[Brady Bogan]

Right.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I don't remember it perfectly because I did have A concussion. But I could have sworn someone play with my testicles. I woke up like, I'm up. You got me up. I don't know what kind of method you're using to wake me up every hour, but I'm up and blow. Here's what I find defining about that moment is then the next day, the two best basketball players got busted for drinking. And so that next day, I had to sit out, but I had to sit out next to them on the bleachers. So we're sitting on the bleachers, and Ralph Sampson comes to give a speech. He was, like, the star of the NBA at the time, right? And he comes in, all 5,000 kids, get a seat on the floor, on the gym floor. And he says. He goes, two things. I'm here to talk about basketball, and I'm here to talk about discipline. Let's start with discipline. Who in here parties? Now? I was under the impression we were all going to put our hands up, but that's not what happened. And it's just me. I threw my hand up, and he's like, oh, we got a party animal. I'm in eighth grade, okay? I've never partied in my life. So when he said to me, how do you party? I didn't know how to answer it. So all I said was, Hardy. And 5,000 kids are now slapping the gym floor, laughing hysterically. And he's like, how do you party, Hardy? And I didn't know the answer to that, so I just said, with two hands. And I wrote that. I wrote about. It's a much longer story, but I wrote about in the book, and they didn't want it. They're like, nah. Kind of creeped me out with a molestation thing.

[Brady Bogan]

Yeah, we like the Sampson stuff. How Ralph Sampson parties is tickling kids balls when they're out cold. Maybe he was the one.

[Bert Kreischer]

No. Ralph Sampson. I would remember that hand in my pants.

[Brady Bogan]

You think you would?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Brady Bogan]

It looks so small that day. Yeah. There's tons of stories in here. All of them are great. You dated a girl with cerebral palsy, but you were. You drink so much, you weren't sure who had the disease.

[Bert Kreischer]

I didn't know. I didn't recognize that look. It's very easy to not recognize when you're drinking as much as I was.

[Brady Bogan]

Drinking, that someone had cerebral palsy.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's what everyone's shocked when they find out that I was. I literally was partying. And we're in Soho, so it's cobblestone streets. And you can't everyone's stumbling, and you're sitting down the majority of the time anyway.

[Brady Bogan]

The cobblestone is. Yeah. Who knows who's. You may have cp. You might just be drunk. The streets are the problem, Right?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. And then when I found out, I was like, well, what kind of guy am I? Am I the guy that matters, or do I just, you know, and I dump her, or do I keep dating her? And I kept dating her. She was hot. She was really hot. She looked like Sarah Michelle Geller, but she walked, like, not like Sarah Michelle Geller.

[Brady Bogan]

And that was. So did you notice, like, when you got off the cobblestone street, she kept walking like they were cobblestones.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, my buddy. My buddy Wecho was like, hey, you should go out with your chick in the daytime. I was like, what? He was like, you gotta. You should probably get to see her in the. And I was like, why? I thought he was saying that she was a dude. And he's like, nah, you just take a look at her in the light. Like, I think maybe you'd be sober around her once. So we went to breakfast, and the first thing I noticed is that she was wearing, like, sundresses with sneakers, but, like, stability sneakers. And I was like, that's weird. And then we went to lunch, and she only ate with her left hand. And I was like, uh, oh. And then. And then I was like, I think I'm gonna get a cocktail, see if this goes away. But it didn't. And then. And then. And then I was like. I was sitting across from her, literally. We were at breakfast, and I was sitting across from her, thinking, all right, I dig this chick, but she obviously has cerebral palsy. I didn't know she had cerebral palsy. I didn't know what was wrong with her at all. I had to ask her. And she was like, I thought you knew. I was like, no, I've been drinking a lot. And then. But the best part of the story is I start dating her. And then we broke up. Just because we broke. She was crazy without. She was just regular crazy, right?

[Brady Bogan]

She was crazy on top of having the palsy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. She was crazy and had cerebral palsy, right?

[Brady Bogan]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

So she. The best part is I told Patrice O'Neal. Patrice O'Neill met her because she came to Scotland with us. And Patrice and her hated each other, but he loved the fact that he kept going, you're such an alcoholic. You can't tell when someone's physically disabled. And then I go to. I'm on the X show on fx. And I get Slash. I'm interviewing Slash, and Slash comes in, and his wife had kicked him out, and he was sleeping on the couch. So we end up drinking in my green room. And she was a huge Guns N Roses fan, so I told her to come and then she could meet Slash. And sure enough, we're in my green room, me, her, and Flash, and we're drinking, and she gets up. She's like, I gotta go to the bathroom. And I tell her where it is, and she gets up. And when she gets up, it is visible in my head. I'm like, how did I not see this? Like, it is. She reaches across her body to grab the door, and it's, like, clear. And she leaves. And Slash stops, looks at me dead in the face. He goes, oh, my God. And I was like, I know. And he's like, she's perfect. And all I could hear was Patrice O'Neill laughing hysterically in my ear, in my head, just going, you're as big as an alcoholic in Slash.

[Brady Bogan]

Slash. And you are the same.

[Bert Kreischer]

Slash. And I have the exact same view on life.

[Brady Bogan]

So awesome. I like that you tried to cure it by you drinking more.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Yeah. I thought the boat would ride itself, but. Right.

[Brady Bogan]

She gets better the more you drink, which I love. Arizona's most powerful rocket.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's out of control now.

[Brady Bogan]

98 k u p t.