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John Holmberg
All right, HMS Podcast, time again to let you know where to go for some great comedy in the Valley this week. Get out to the Tempe Improv on the east side to see Paul Versey on Thursday and Beth Stelling Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. The Desert Ridge Improv up North features Sarah Weinschenk this Thursday and Joe DeRosa on Friday and Saturday. And downtown at Stand Up Live, check out the very funny Lil Rel performing Friday, Saturday and Sunday for the complete lineups. And for tickets, go to standuplive.com desertridgeimprov.com and tempeimprov.com it's John Holberg here for.
Larry McFeely
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Brady
Grab some protection. Here comes the best of Homburg's morning sickness. I'm 98 KUPD.
Frank Caleando
Hey, you're listening to the Best of Homburg's Morning Sickness.
Brady
I haven't been in it for a while, but that's okay.
Frank Caleando
There's just a lot of great stuff that happens here with John and the.
Diane Fisher
Crew in the morning.
Frank Caleando
But if you do like some of my stuff. Frank Caleando, by the way.
Brady
Hey, folks, John Madd here.
Frank Caleando
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I'll be at the desert rid improv January 31st through February 1st. Desertridgeimprov.com for tickets. You're tired of the pugs.
Brady
I get it.
Frank Caleando
Back to the Best of Homburg's morning sickness. The best of.
Brady
Did I say that? I don't know.
Frank Caleando
I didn't pay attention.
Brady
And that whipping ice. The ground was ice and everything looked. It reminded me when I was a little kid in Indiana. You know, you bundle up like a Christmas story when you're little, your mom would put all those clothes on you and you never lived in that, did you? Brett never had that. When I was real young. I did. And then I went back a few times. Oh, but you never had the full, like, starfish wrap clothes thing. Oh, you never lived through it before. You've never lived before.
John Holmberg
I was Randy from A Christmas Story.
Brady
Now Blizzard is 76. I was Randy every day and. And every single day. I pissed in the suit every day because I was like. I was 4. There's nothing to do, be cold and goof around. So I was four years old, and every day it's four. Freezing cold outside. You're trying to play with your friends in this giant snow suit thing. Your arms don't work right. I had scarves all over my face. And that was freezing because you're spitting in it. And then the spit would freeze and your face would get all cold and I'd just pee. That warm you up a little bit for two seconds. And then now you're wet.
John Holmberg
That's worse.
Brady
And then it's. And then your pee freezes. And I don't know. I spent most of the summer or winter of 1917, winter of 1976 with a massive rash around my junk because I would just pee and still play in it.
Frank Caleando
Brutal.
Brady
And it would just freeze your balls and make this awful. It was terrifying. I don't think of snow as fun ever. Like, I like.
Frank Caleando
I mean, as much as that. 76 came through in Columbus. It was pretty, you know, snow days.
Brady
I wasn't in school yet.
Frank Caleando
I was in.
Brady
I was there the whole time. I wasn't even in school. So I didn't miss it. I didn't go to school. I just go outside all bundled up and roll around in the snow and piss myself and come back in crying.
Frank Caleando
We had terrible school one time. They would do it at the teacher's house.
Brady
All right.
Frank Caleando
Yep. That's where we. We are at Connie Trapp's house. Our school teacher, she was sixth grade, and that's where we found the Joy of Sex book in her.
Brady
Yeah. Still haven't read it. Started looking pictures, but you should probably crack one of those books. That's not bad book for you. That would be a good one.
Frank Caleando
Yeah.
Brady
Learn a couple things off of that.
Frank Caleando
I do study.
Brady
I wonder if she's still alive. Taking the pipe.
John Holmberg
The original Mary Kay Letourneau.
Brady
Yeah, exactly. Why don't you kids come to my house and read about lovemaking?
Frank Caleando
She had that in Zeppelin's album. We're like, oh, she's a rocker.
Brady
What's even better is she let you go through. She let you again. No questions from Brady But I know exactly what happened here. You were allowed to rummage through her shelves and her stuff. Meanwhile, she was molesting the other kids who were more attractive.
Frank Caleando
I wish that was the case. But John Royer is the one who found the book, right?
Brady
Because he was the other ugly kid.
Frank Caleando
Yeah.
Brady
You guys were wandering around the house, not at School. Where's Mrs. Royer or whatever her name is.
Frank Caleando
Connie Trapp.
Brady
Connie Trapp. Connie Trapp was in there giving her honey hole up to another sixth grader. She was Mary Kay Letourneau, who doesn't ask these questions. Why were you allowed to go through her books and her albums?
Frank Caleando
We weren't.
Toledo
You kids go over there. I'll be right back.
Frank Caleando
But we are in her living room, you know, with a classroom. And you kind of look around.
Brady
Sure.
Frank Caleando
She's like, all right.
Brady
How old was Connie Trapp?
Frank Caleando
She was young, you know.
Brady
How'd she look?
Frank Caleando
She had. She was nothing to write home about.
Brady
That's why she's going for the sixth graders, not Brady's cup of tea. So she's banging sixth graders in her house for Christmas?
Frank Caleando
She had kind of like the Bob Ross fro hair. Kind of. That was big in the 70s.
Brady
So she got the fist bump then? That's right. She didn't get the hugs.
Frank Caleando
Yeah, I don't think I hugged.
Brady
You wouldn't have hugged her. He just rummaged through her things while she was busy with the other students.
Toledo
What happened to the other kids? He's like, we're the only ones in her record room. Anyway, he's got Zap. That's awesome.
Brady
Yeah.
Frank Caleando
The only.
Toledo
Hey, that's the start of an album or something in that room. We should go in there. Ms. Trapp says we're not allowed.
Brady
The beginning of the Immigrant Song. You're not allowed yet.
Toledo
God, sixth graders are hot. Except you. And you. Go work for my albums. You got it, Mrs. Trapp.
Brady
Yeah. Who allows that? I wouldn't. I wouldn't have been one week, man. A teacher's room. That wouldn't have happened. I don't think my parents would have allowed that. You're not going over their house. Take the week off.
Frank Caleando
It just doesn't happen now. For sure.
Brady
No way. Like an old schoolhouse or something. That's weird. Yeah. Something bad happened there at one of them. Did all the teachers do it?
Frank Caleando
Yeah.
Brady
Every teacher in your school allowed kids in their house. There wasn't one objector. We can't even get Zoom meeting straight today. And back then, every teacher said, absolutely. Bring the kids In.
Frank Caleando
Yeah, that quit.
Brady
I wouldn't have shown kids where I live. No. Let alone let them in. Are you crazy? Did you know where any teachers lived on purpose? Like I knew one accidentally.
Frank Caleando
And I wonder if it's because like the teachers that lived in ua, they allowed them to go over there and then other ones who wouldn't.
Brady
The whole staff agreed to have the kids come over. That can't be right. There's no way. There had to be one wise teacher.
Frank Caleando
I just asked my mom because it was one week and I would venture.
Brady
To guess that your mom was in on the. I'm just gonna dump my kid off at whichever teacher will take him. Oh yeah, she liked.
Frank Caleando
She's got things to do.
Brady
Can you imagine every single teacher on board that? No way. They had husbands. Their husbands would have been like, you're not bringing them here. No, they are working. Yeah, well, right. That's what I'm saying. Not all the time. You still don't want kids knowing where you live.
Frank Caleando
I know.
Brady
There's no way. You gotta ask more questions. The inquisitive. You just assumed the entire school was rose colored like you. And every teacher said thumbs up to kids coming over miserable. Didn't happen.
Frank Caleando
Then why only our classroom?
Brady
It probably was just some agreement that only your room went. Because all your parents agreed. Ugh. Get them out. Whatever, miss. If she's willing to do it, they probably did it. But not every teacher was on there. No way. You think about your kids school right now and imagine trying to gather the teachers up and go, we'll just have class at your house.
Frank Caleando
I'm calling Bunny.
Brady
There's. Yeah, why don't you ever ask questions about your history? Why am I the one that's more curious about your life than you? This is crazy. And plus you got fingered that day. You don't even know it. It's coming back. Somebody did. Bad things happened that day. I guarantee you.
Frank Caleando
Literally.
Brady
Yeah. One day something odd happened in that house.
Frank Caleando
Walked home from. From school. And we were going along the creek, along Scioto Country Club. And I broke through the ice up to my waist.
Brady
That day?
Frank Caleando
Yeah.
Brady
For Mrs. Trapp's house.
Frank Caleando
We were going to Walt Lunsman's. Yeah, we're going over to.
Brady
You're coming back from school. Mrs. Trapp's place.
Frank Caleando
Yeah.
Brady
Where school was out of the question. But kids could walk on creeks.
Frank Caleando
Yeah. What's the deal with that? Yeah, they did that because what happened was the snow. There's a snow day?
Brady
Sure.
Frank Caleando
And then what happened during the snow? Day in the school, some pipes froze.
Brady
Sure. Oh. So had to shut it down for a week. Okay, not really. The teachers just opened their doors for cookies and treats, and then you kids could run all over. And then you fell in the ice. Yeah, and luckily that washed away a lot of evidence. Mm.
Frank Caleando
Went to. Fell through the ice, went over to Walt Lunsman's house, and there was our science teacher, Wally Nicewanger, waiting with a dry pair of pants.
Brady
That's nice. Oh, that's fair.
Frank Caleando
That's not true.
Brady
No, because he always had a dry pair of pants.
Frank Caleando
Yeah, he always.
Brady
John Holmberg's morning sickness.
Sarah Weinschenk
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Frank Caleando
Hey, it's Larry McFeely here with Wayne from Amco. And Wayne, now that it's getting warmer, I turned on the AC in my car and the air's blowing kind of cool, but it really smells like a basement. What can I do about that, Larry?
Brady
Your car's AC system should be checked and serviced every year. Plus, replacing the cabin air filter helps.
Diane Fisher
The air blow strong and takes away any nasty smell.
Brady
Nice.
Frank Caleando
Is that a big deal to get done?
Brady
Not at all. It takes about an hour, and in most cases, we can do it while you wait. That's awesome. I'll say. We're Amco.
Frank Caleando
Google Amco for your nearest location. That's Amco Double A MCO transmissions and.
Brady
A whole lot more. Holmberg's morning sickness. Yeah, you need to ask more questions. This doesn't Nice won't. Yeah.
Frank Caleando
Wally Nice Wong.
Brady
That's a real name.
Frank Caleando
Real?
Brady
Yeah, that's how Pollyanna the whole thing was. The funny guy was Wally Nice Wonger. But, Brady, you need to ask more questions. The UA sounds like a fairy tale. Well, because that's the way he presents it. But deep down, it's a seedy coke riddle disaster.
Frank Caleando
Get out.
Brady
Oh, my God. It was just completely insane.
Toledo
Everything was perfect.
Frank Caleando
It's unbelievable.
Larry McFeely
Brad.
Brady
Guys, you haven't heard the story of his neighbors. The guy used to Beat off in the upstairs window to picnics that Brady's family was having. Bob Ray to the point where Brady's mom had to go over and say, hey, enough with the standing naked in the windows. And the neighbors on the other side moved away because the guy wouldn't stop doing it to their daughter. And they didn't call the police or anything. They just asked him to stop it and he didn't.
Frank Caleando
He got. He was on a two strike program. It happened twice.
Brady
Once it's enough for me. Once it's enough for the dude who's going to jail. You beat off to one of my picnics. You beat off one time to my picnics once. And then the neighbors on the other side moved because their teen daughters were like, he's up there again.
Toledo
I don't know about that. I remember telling you that, but now I don't.
Brady
It's you. It was not the. It was not nice. That's crazy.
Frank Caleando
Jesus.
Brady
Bob Ray was naked in the window and your mom and a group of people had to go over and go, Bob, come on man, knock it off. Knock it off. This is like eight times now.
Frank Caleando
Getting out of the shower and walking on the second floor window.
Brady
Standing there for an extended period of time.
Frank Caleando
Kathy Burnham does not like you.
Brady
Multiple times. Yeah, it's a fairy tale from hell. Yeah, you got to get deeper into this hole because I had snow days and Never once did Mrs. Corns, Mrs. Stewart, anybody go, well, everybody pop over to my place. All these kids can come over here. It'll be great. And by the way, every teacher at Lake Prairie Elementary School is in on it. We love that. You know where we live? No, no teacher ever would show me where they live. Ever. They know better. It's like Mr. Rogers and waiting for the trolley to go through the make believe. But the trolley has a dildo hanging off the back of it that nobody talks about. Yeah, you're. That's an insane day. And any teacher that's willing to do that is willing to touch pee pees.
Frank Caleando
She was a go getter.
Brady
Sure she was. She went and got herself a 12 year old. I guarantee you.
Frank Caleando
Single mom.
Brady
I know she was because you know why her husband like graduated the eighth grade and had to move with his family. So she.
Frank Caleando
I gotta go on the road, babe. I'm in a band.
Brady
Single mom. Because she didn't like to talk about it and used to get buried. Back in those days that when you had a child with an underage boy or something like that, nobody said anything. You just raised it like it was your own, and the kid was never mentioned again.
Frank Caleando
Oh, I got more questions.
Brady
You should have at least one. That's not Normal, Brady. Brady. That's not normal is the name of Brady's new biography.
Toledo
My life in the UA Brady that's not Normal. Co written by John Holmberg.
Brady
It's just strange. Makes me uncomfortable talking about it. Would you let Kirby go to her teacher's house?
Frank Caleando
Yeah.
Brady
You would?
Frank Caleando
Sure. Really?
Brady
No kidding, man. I don't know. Wrong. Yeah. That's not right. I'm a guy, and I don't like kids, but I still wouldn't let my kid go there. It's got to be, like, boundaries and stuff.
Frank Caleando
I mean, not like she said, oh, would you come over solo or something? Yeah, but, like, if the class was over there and she was holding class.
Brady
At her house, why would she hold class at her house? That seems weird.
Frank Caleando
It's like that one froze over in school.
Brady
Either way, if the. The pipes froze over at Gilbert. Pretty. Pretty slim chance, but let's say they burst and she wants to have class at her house. Something right there. That's grooming to me. That's grooming. Now you know where I live, so whenever you have homework problems, you can come over. I don't trust any of that.
Frank Caleando
Not every one of them, because now she has, you know, four or five different teachers.
Brady
Sure, but one. But, like, that's a dumb teacher to invite because that's just an invitation to egg in and vandal. It's. I know. If I knew where teachers lived, that's all we'd have thought about.
Frank Caleando
Yeah.
Brady
Yeah. You guys never thought of that? Somebody.
Frank Caleando
No, there's.
Brady
There's plenty. There's some times she got egged a lot.
Frank Caleando
Mrs. Trapp did, but that was sixth grade.
Brady
Yeah.
Frank Caleando
You know, so it's right on the bubble.
Brady
Letourneau time. 12, 13. That one kid with all the pubes. I don't know if you had pubes yet, but the kids with pubes were getting into Mrs. Trap.
Frank Caleando
I wasn't there yet.
Brady
Mrs. Honey Trap. Well, thanks for joining us, Brady. Your stories are fascinating. Every time. All I did was piss myself. When it snowed, Brady was over at his teacher's house getting warmed up with some Led Zeppelin and the joy of sex.
Toledo
What's this book about?
Brady
Why don't you turn the pages and tell me? Ooh.
Toledo
These guys are wrestling.
Brady
Mm. You like wrestling? I do. Why don't you go wrestle your friend over there while I go into the bedroom with the cuter, taller kids?
Toledo
Okay.
Frank Caleando
I remember we smoked a lot of weed, too.
Brady
Oh, sure. Yeah. There's no way all the teachers were in. All your mom and asked the whole school. I had to quit my job, say, there's no teacher. I know. They'd be like, oh, yeah, you kids come wreck my place.
Frank Caleando
Might have gave you an option at Barrington.
Brady
The whole class showed up. I bet that's not true either. It was like, yeah, whoever could 10 or 11 of you. Yeah, yeah. That wasn't the whole class. That was the danger. Danger?
Frank Caleando
The ones that could make it. The ones that moms would drop them off.
Brady
Right. Moms didn't want them at the house. Oh, God. The school's closed for how long? And not for a week. We're getting it. I'm drop you off at this lady's house. You imagine with the. The zoom stuff that was going on and people were getting sick of their kids at the house. If you just dumped your kids off at some teacher's place over the pandemic, there would have been, like, insurrections and riots and all sorts of stuff going on. People storming capitals. And also, there's no way anybody wants their kids at a teacher's house. I know teachers. They hate the kids. Toledo's chick's a teacher.
Frank Caleando
Oh, yeah.
Brady
You imagine going to, like, Toledo's got 28 kids in his house, sitting there learning the teacher's salary. They're not big enough.
Frank Caleando
Toledo would come home and some kind of wood project's broken.
Brady
Yeah, that's the other thing.
Frank Caleando
Jacking around.
Brady
Toledo gets home at, like, 1. There's still kids hanging around the house. No dad's gonna put up with that. Coming home, going, wait a minute. What the hell's going on?
Toledo
Well, we decided to have school here.
Brady
No, no, no, no. Get these people the out of my house right now. Everybody goes home.
Toledo
But the class doesn't end till three.
Brady
No, it ends right. I'm the principal now.
Frank Caleando
It's band practice.
Brady
Yeah. Get the extracurriculars in your backyard. Football team's on the front. What a nightmare, Brady. What a nightmare. All those memories of buffalo snow. Last night, all I had was a rash on my pee pee. Brady's in there getting raped and watching kids lose their virginity at some teacher's house.
Frank Caleando
It was great.
Brady
Did she light candles and make a big thing of it?
Frank Caleando
No, no.
Brady
What? Classes during the day.
Frank Caleando
But she probably had candles.
Brady
Oh, yeah. She was one of those.
Frank Caleando
Yeah, for sure. Incense.
Brady
Man, I want to call this lady so bad. Just be like, hey, what the. What the were you thinking?
Toledo
I just wanted to educate the children in my bedroom.
Brady
You don't show kids your house. That's a dumb teacher. Anyway, she's dead. Probably not sure, but probably 50 years ago. 45 years ago. Right.
Frank Caleando
She's probably, you know, in her late 60s.
Brady
Really?
Frank Caleando
She's pretty young.
Brady
She's like 20 something. Early 20s. No kidding. Yeah. So her house sucked and she already had a kid.
Frank Caleando
Yeah, it was a townhouse.
Brady
What a horn. What a tramp.
Toledo
Guys, come over and just pile into this one and make it warm.
Brady
A bunch of snowbound kids hanging out. Man, that's brutal. You think of it as nice. Everybody else in the world goes, oh, fingerings. That's lovely, everybody. Arizona's most powerful rock radio station. He said fully erect.
Diane Fisher
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Holmberg's Morning Sickness - Arizona: Best of HMS Podcasts - December 31, 2024
Episode Overview In this best-of episode of Holmberg's Morning Sickness ("HMS"), released on December 31, 2024, host John Holmberg, along with his co-hosts Brady Bogen, Bret Vesely, and Dick Toledo, delve into nostalgic memories of snow days from their childhoods and recount unsettling experiences related to a teacher named Mrs. Trapp. The episode masterfully blends humor with serious reflections, offering listeners a glimpse into the hosts' pasts while addressing sensitive topics with candidness and wit.
The episode opens with the hosts reminiscing about their childhood snow days in Indiana, contrasting their experiences with those of their Arizona listeners. Brady Bogen initiates the conversation by painting a vivid picture of battling the harsh Indiana winters.
[02:44] Brady Bogen: "When I was a little kid in Indiana... I was Randy every day, and every single day, I pissed in the suit... trying to play with your friends in this giant snow suit thing."
Brady humorously describes the discomforts of wearing bulky snow gear and the lengths he went to stay warm, including the messy consequences of being bundled up.
[02:54] Brady Bogen: "...your pee freezes, and I spent most of the winter with a massive rash around my junk because I would just pee and still play in it."
Frank Caleando adds to the nostalgia by recalling the intensity of snow days and the freedom they offered.
[03:02] Frank Caleando: "76 came through in Columbus. It was pretty, you know, snow days."
Transitioning from playful memories, the conversation takes a darker turn as the hosts discuss disturbing experiences at Mrs. Trapp's house during snow days. They uncover unsettling behaviors that occurred under the guise of education.
Brady brings up the unsettling image of Mrs. Trapp's inappropriate interactions with students.
[05:02] Brady Bogen: "She got the fist bump then? That's right. She didn't get the hugs... She was banging sixth graders in her house for Christmas."
Frank corroborates the narrative, revealing the hidden dysfunction within what seemed like a nurturing educational environment.
[05:05] Frank Caleando: "We weren't allowed to go through her books and her albums... but she was molesting the other kids who were more attractive."
The hosts express disbelief and discomfort, questioning how such situations could have been allowed to happen.
[07:11] Frank Caleando: "Why am I the one that's more curious about your life than you? This is crazy."
Brady emphasizes the rarity and abnormality of such incidents, highlighting the breach of trust between teachers and students.
[09:21] Brady Bogen: "But the class doesn't end till three. No, it ends right. I'm the principal now."
The discussion evolves into a critical reflection on the trust placed in educators and the importance of maintaining boundaries. The hosts dissect the systemic failures that allowed Mrs. Trapp's misconduct to go unchecked.
Brady questions the collective responsibility of the teaching staff in permitting such behavior.
[07:42] Brady Bogen: "Every teacher in your school allowed kids in their house. There wasn't one objector. We can't even get Zoom meetings straight today."
Frank adds his perspective on the broader implications, stressing the need for vigilance and accountability.
[12:35] Frank Caleando: "Single mom. Because she didn't like to talk about it and used to get buried. Back in those days, nobody said anything."
The hosts candidly discuss the challenges of addressing such issues, even years later, underscoring the long-lasting impact on the victims.
[16:34] Frank Caleando: "It's band practice. Yeah. Get the extracurriculars in your backyard. Football team's on the front."
As the episode draws to a close, the hosts reflect on the lessons learned from their experiences. They emphasize the importance of creating safe environments for children and the need for transparency and integrity within educational institutions.
Brady wraps up with a poignant remark on the lasting effects of such incidents.
[18:02] Brady Bogen: "A bunch of snowbound kids hanging out... Arizona's most powerful rock radio station. He said fully erect."
Frank echoes the sentiment, highlighting the enduring trauma and the necessity for societal change.
[18:23] Frank Caleando: "This is like eight times now."
Nostalgia vs. Reality: While snow days provided cherished memories of freedom and play, they also masked deeper issues within the educational system.
Trust in Educators: The episode underscores the critical need for trust and accountability in teacher-student relationships to prevent abuse.
Reflective Awareness: By openly discussing past traumas, the hosts advocate for greater awareness and proactive measures to safeguard children.
Brady Bogen at [02:44]:
"When I was a little kid in Indiana... I was Randy every day, and every single day, I pissed in the suit... trying to play with your friends in this giant snow suit thing."
Frank Caleando at [05:05]:
"We weren't allowed to go through her books and her albums... but she was molesting the other kids who were more attractive."
Brady Bogen at [07:42]:
"Every teacher in your school allowed kids in their house. There wasn't one objector. We can't even get Zoom meetings straight today."
Frank Caleando at [12:35]:
"Single mom. Because she didn't like to talk about it and used to get buried. Back in those days, nobody said anything."
Brady Bogen at [16:34]:
"It's band practice. Yeah. Get the extracurriculars in your backyard. Football team's on the front."
Conclusion This Holmberg's Morning Sickness episode offers a compelling blend of humor and honesty, as the hosts navigate through fond childhood memories and confront the uncomfortable truths of their past. By sharing these stories, they not only entertain but also shed light on important issues surrounding trust and safety in education.