Homing Podcast – Elizabeth Day on Perfectionism, Positive Affirmations & Rebuilding Home After Loss
Episode aired: February 19, 2026
Hosted by Matt Gibberd
Episode Overview
In this deeply introspective and often moving episode, Matt Gibberd welcomes acclaimed author and podcaster Elizabeth Day to reflect on how the experience of home, both physical and emotional, shapes our sense of self, safety, and belonging. The conversation traverses Elizabeth’s unique upbringing during the Troubles in Northern Ireland, her struggles with perfectionism, her journey through divorce and fertility loss, and the rebuilding of a sense of home and identity. Together, they examine the meaning of failure, connection, and how environments—both interior and exterior—act as sanctuaries and crucibles for personal growth.
Key Discussion Points & Insights
1. Childhood Homes, Memory, and Early Identity
Timestamps: 02:47–07:12
- Elizabeth’s earliest memories are of a house in Epsom, characterized by elegance and warmth; she recalls learning to read in the bay window and creating stories in the attic.
- The family’s move to rural Northern Ireland placed her in a house "constructed out of two former fishing cottages," suffused with history, eccentric décor (notably unforgettable carpet), and opportunities for imaginative play (the attic, a Norman-era "rath" in the garden).
- The simultaneous magic and reality of living in a beautiful landscape while political violence raged nearby set an early template for navigating contrasting inner and outer worlds:
"We moved to the north of Ireland in 1982, and 30 minutes down the road in Derry... a war was raging. And I was very quickly and then consistently aware of... tension, political tension and historic tension and stories that weren't being told, things that weren't talked about, and a sort of thrumming sense of danger." —Elizabeth Day [07:12]
2. Outsidership, Adaptation & the Erosion of Self
Timestamps: 14:32–19:14
- Elizabeth discusses feeling "like a bit of an outsider" after relocation, especially upon entering a tougher school in Belfast.
- "Code switching" and social adaptation led to feelings of “failure” in staying true to herself:
"The older I got still in childhood, the less true I became to myself. So I feel like aged four I really knew myself... and life after that was a gradual erosion of that certainty." —Elizabeth Day [18:04]
- Experiences of outsidership became a theme in her fiction and later personal narrative.
3. Perfectionism, People-Pleasing, and the Myth of Success
Timestamps: 25:09–26:24; 34:40–38:56
- Young adulthood was shaped by conventional ideas of success (marriage, career, social respect), which intensified her need for external validation.
"I think the respect of others was a big part of my success. But it also can sometimes veer perilously close to people pleasing and seeking validation... from people you can't possibly control their opinion." —Elizabeth Day [25:58]
- Perfectionistic tendencies led to a significant sense of failure during later life events—especially when things didn’t go as planned:
"What is failure? Failure is essentially what happens when your life doesn't go according to plan. So then you have to think about where you got the plan from and whether it was actually yours..." —Elizabeth Day [35:05]
4. Therapy, Self-Discovery, and the Value of Safety
Timestamps: 26:32–27:47; 39:02–46:08
- Therapy in her late 20s helped Elizabeth begin to untangle these threads, although self-understanding was a longer journey.
- She frames home—both her physical space and emotional relationships—as foundational for regaining a sense of authenticity and daring to be vulnerable:
"Home is an incredibly precious space in order to facilitate that happening. That can't happen unless you feel safe where you live. And I feel safe not only where I live physically, but where I live personally. In terms of my romantic relationship now, I understand that love actually starts with safety..." —Elizabeth Day [19:21]
5. Divorce, Loss, and the Meaning of Possessions
Timestamps: 28:25–34:13
- Breakup of her first marriage and a harrowing experience of fertility loss led her to leave her home suddenly, abandoning all possessions:
"I left that home and... I left basically everything, anything that was jointly owned... because I just needed to go... I was able to do that as someone who had always thought that trinkets and physical memories were incredibly important, and possessions, I now realize they're not at all." —Elizabeth Day [30:20]
- She describes a period of temporary living in friends’ houses and Airbnbs as eventually liberating, allowing for reinvention.
6. The Fertility Journey and Community Through Sharing
Timestamps: 38:56–47:52
- Elizabeth shares openly about her twelve-year fertility journey, experiencing repeated IVF, miscarriages, and ultimately coming to terms with childlessness:
"It was a really difficult... year of being stuffed full of hormones. And then at the end... I had what's called a missed miscarriage... I was so numb to it all... I'd sort of technically, by the end of that year, been pregnant three times." —Elizabeth Day [40:07]
- Discusses the trauma of miscarriage and the loneliness exacerbated by lack of public discussion at the time.
- Speaks about the healing power of advocating for others and building community around shared experience:
"That's how I'm able to be at peace with it, is talking about it, sharing it, advocating for people who have also experienced it. It's been a great healing gift." —Elizabeth Day [39:06]
7. The Need for Connection
Timestamps: 48:00–51:45
- Connection is central to Elizabeth’s identity—she has "only connect" tattooed on her wrist.
- The act of empathetically seeing and being seen, both in writing and podcasting, is framed as an antidote to alienation:
"I want to make other people feel seen and heard and understood in any moment that I have with them, because that's what humanity is." —Elizabeth Day [48:25]
- Matt draws parallels with his own family background, noting their mutual drive to go beneath surface-level interaction.
8. Routines, Rituals, and Creating a Sanctuary
Timestamps: 53:10–55:52; 61:48–64:50
- Elizabeth finds serenity and creative freedom by keeping her home orderly and aesthetically nurturing, reducing "cognitive load" so she can focus on her writing and relationships.
"So much outside our front doors is chaotic and unpredictable and noisy. I really need a space where I feel that I can take off that cloak of the outside world and just be at peace in an environment..." —Elizabeth Day [53:39]
- Describes daily routines: exercise, writing, reading in the bath, and private diary entries—small rituals that create calm and structure.
9. Sensitivity, Introversion, and Emotional Balance
Timestamps: 65:49–71:04
- Elizabeth identifies as highly sensitive and introverted, experiencing others’ moods acutely.
- She’s learned to manage this with periods of solitude after social events, and supportive understanding from her husband Justin.
- Matt and Elizabeth discuss the evolutionary and pragmatic value of sensitivity, referencing psychologist Elaine Aron and Nigel Slater’s perspective.
10. Partnership and Feeling "Home" with Another
Timestamps: 71:04–73:07
- Elizabeth details how she and Justin, with opposite Myers-Briggs types, have complementary personalities that allow for mutual growth.
- Describes the feeling of “being at home” with Justin as deeply moving, fulfilling a long-held wish for peace and acceptance:
"I want to find someone who feels like I'm finally home... That's absolutely what I found with Justin, because I've understood... that he accepts me fully as I am." —Elizabeth Day [73:07]
11. Defining Home and Final Reflections
Timestamps: 75:12–78:31
- Elizabeth speaks of her house as a place of peace where she immediately felt a sense of belonging; likens the sensation to standing in the Pantheon in Rome—“a surge of peace and welcome and calm.”
- Matt hypothesizes about the innate human draw to womb-like, circular dwellings, connecting architecture and psychology.
- Elizabeth’s definition of home:
"A place of welcome, acceptance, safety and peace." —Elizabeth Day [78:24]
Notable Quotes
-
On the erosion of early-self:
"So I feel like aged four I really knew myself and life after that was a gradual erosion of that certainty."
—Elizabeth Day [00:03 & 18:04] -
On leaving her marriage and possessions:
“And I left... I left basically everything, anything that was jointly owned...because I just needed to go... And it's made me see that a lot more clearly.”
—Elizabeth Day [30:20] -
On failure and plans:
“What is failure? Failure is essentially what happens when your life doesn't go according to plan. So then you have to think about where you got the plan from and whether it was actually yours...”
—Elizabeth Day [35:05] -
On what home means:
“A place of welcome, acceptance, safety and peace.”
—Elizabeth Day [78:24] -
On connection:
“I want to make other people feel seen and heard and understood in any moment that I have with them, because that's what humanity is. That's what it's about.”
—Elizabeth Day [48:25] -
On her new home:
"It was that peace and welcome and calm... I did well up. I mean, such a cliche, but I did. I just walked in and I knew."
—Elizabeth Day [75:34]
Key Timestamps
- 02:47–07:12 – Vivid childhood home memories and early influences
- 14:32–19:14 – Outsidership, adaptation, and authenticity
- 28:25–34:13 – Divorce, leaving home, and letting go of possessions
- 39:02–46:08 – Fertility journey, loss, and finding meaning in sharing
- 48:00–51:45 – Importance of connection and empathy
- 53:10–55:52; 61:48–64:50 – Creating sanctuary through routines and environment
- 65:49–71:04 – Sensitivity, balance, and partnership
- 75:12–78:31 – Defining home, final thoughts
Memorable Moments
- Elizabeth’s metaphor of “being an imposter in my own life” during her marriage and the healing act of reclaiming solitude and self.
- The image of her running around the “rath” in her childhood garden, absorbing stories from her home’s bones.
- Her ritual of writing one line a day in her diary as a meditative act of gratitude and presence.
- The moment of "knowing" her current home was the right one, and her parallel to the awe-inspiring experience inside the Pantheon.
Tone and Style
This conversation is reflective, candid, and emotionally open, with warmth and intellectual curiosity from both host and guest. Elizabeth Day brings vulnerability and humor, balancing deep insight with moments of levity (“I’m sort of annoyed now because so many people claim to be introverts...”). Matt’s empathetic, gently probing manner provides a safe space for Elizabeth’s storytelling and philosophical musings.
Summary for New Listeners
Whether you’re confronting change, loss, or the quest for authenticity, this episode is a masterclass in embracing imperfection and understanding how our homes, chosen and built, shape our recovery and renewal. Elizabeth Day’s journey is a reminder that home is not just a place, but a process of becoming—one that offers us the comfort to finally be our truest selves.