Advertiser (3:33)

Cause you know, you wonder how did this campaign.

Customer (3:36)

Let's wallow in the mediocrity of subpar art. Perhaps we'll find the answer to the.

Advertiser (3:42)

Question, how did this get made?

Customer (3:44)

Hello, people of Earth, and welcome to how did this get made? I am Paul Scheer and today we are talking about Dracula 2000, a film that you all picked. That's right. You voted for this film out of a list of 10 films on the Discord. We had no say. We had no option. We gave it all to you. We wanted to see how you would do if you could, best our amazing producer Errol Halley, who picks all of our films. And you know what? You brought some heat. You gave us a Gerard Butler film that came out and you guessed it, 2000. And what do you need to know? Dracula, he's in New Orleans. It's 2000. Vitamin C is in it. The singer. All right, let's break it down and introduce my two co host. Please welcome Jason Manzoukas and June Diane Rayfield. How are you both?

Advertiser (4:33)

Well, now, now I know who to blame. I. I didn't know. I didn't know. They made us watch this. So that makes that seems like punishment.

Customer (4:41)

They have been begging to pick a movie, begging to pick a movie, and.

Advertiser (4:46)

This is what they chose.

Customer (4:47)

This is it. Old school Jerry Butler action. By the way, Jerry Butler is Dracula. We love Gerard Butler on the show. And this does not look like the Gerard Butler that I know and love. I mean, this is like.

Co-host (5:04)

Can I just say something? I did not know it was Gerard butler. Until about 45 seconds ago.

Customer (5:09)

Wait, whoa, whoa.

Co-host (5:11)

And there were many points where I thought, God, he looks a lot like Gerard Butler. And then I thought, I wonder who that guy is. And then I thought, wow, I wonder if that guy and Gerard Butler were coming up around the same time. And then Gerard Butler.

Advertiser (5:24)

In fact, they were.

Co-host (5:26)

Yeah. I had so many. I mean, I was very much so with Gerard Butler watching this movie, but was also like, who. That's not. Is Gerard Butler. Like, I. The physique.

Advertiser (5:38)

Yes. Very different.

Customer (5:40)

He is like the bone structure.

Co-host (5:42)

Just his body's like very lean and structure. That's what I'm saying. Pilates bod.

Customer (5:49)

He looks a little bit like. Like James Franco meets, like the COVID of a romance novel. Like the. The character that. Yeah, yeah.

Advertiser (5:58)

Like, to me, he looks like. I feel like they modeled him after the dream in the Sandman in Neil Gaiman the Sandman. Like, I feel like they have him looking exactly like Dream, which is very weird and interesting. But I thought he looks great. And this is. I'm assuming, right. This is before 300, is that right?

Customer (6:18)

Yes, this is 2000. This is before 300. He was actually doing a play on Broadway.

Advertiser (6:24)

Oh, wow.

Customer (6:24)

And they gave him a break to come shoot this life changing movie. This movie that was gonna change everything.

Advertiser (6:31)

300. Like a really broke Gerard Butler. Huge. But also broke him in a way that made us feel like he's meant to be this big, beefy, muscular. That's the body type.

Co-host (6:43)

I'm so fascinated. And I have to say, after watching this, I'm like, not only does Gerard's body. Gerard. Gerard's butler. Does Gerard Butler.

Customer (6:52)

How do you think Gerard Butler.

Advertiser (6:54)

Like, that's the T shirt. Gerard's butler. It's his Alfred. He's like, I'm home, Alfred.

Co-host (7:01)

I really was like, oh, it can't be him. Because of course, is his. I find him to be a bigger presence on screen always.

Customer (7:08)

Yes.

Advertiser (7:09)

Well, and that's one of the things that I wrote is I was like, they're giving him nothing. They're giving him nothing to do. Barely any lines. And the true disservice to him and everybody else who's a vampire is the fake vampire. Teeth are making the lines they do have sound weird.

Co-host (7:26)

Okay, well, I mean, so much to say about this teeth.

Advertiser (7:29)

Oh, yeah.

Customer (7:30)

I have a lot to say about the teeth. I will also say that this movie starts off in a place that's very hard for me, which is a place I like to call accent confusion. There are so many accents coming in in that first speaking scene. I mean, we don't need this prologue of a ship at sea, but we have it. But then once people start speaking, I'm like, christopher Plummer, you're doing something. Jennifer Esposito, you're doing something. Johnny Lee Miller, you're doing something like. And I'm like, my brain couldn't handle doing something. Oh, yeah.

Advertiser (8:01)

But Mary in New Orleans is doing none of their.

Co-host (8:05)

I thought she was Tatiana Masani for a while.

Advertiser (8:08)

What?

Co-host (8:09)

Yep.

Advertiser (8:09)

Tatiana Maslany from the year 2000.

Co-host (8:12)

I know. You know, so much was going on.

Advertiser (8:15)

She wasn't born. No, no. But I mean, like, I couldn't. Nobody's accents made sense to where we were meeting them also, you know, so you're like, here we are in London. Christopher Plummer, in fact, has a. Whatever. Is Van Helsing German or Austrian or what? Is Van Helsing Austrian?

Co-host (8:36)

I don't know. But not like British.

Advertiser (8:39)

No, but he's doing a weird act. He's doing, like a German, Austrian accent, everyone.

Co-host (8:44)

I feel, like, also so British at points.

Customer (8:46)

Yes, yes. It's kind of like the accent work in my favorite accent film.

Advertiser (8:51)

Oh, House of Gooch, baby. House of Gucci. We saw.

Customer (8:58)

I mean, House of Gucci. This is like House of Gucci level accent work because it's like, I'm in, I'm out. What is happening? I also just. The movie is confusing straight up because we start with Christopher Plummer working at this antiquities firm that seems like, wow, this. How are they making money? Is really what I wanted to get into. Like, how is Car Fest?

Co-host (9:21)

You know, I worked at it. I worked at an antique shop in the up east side.

Customer (9:25)

Okay.

Co-host (9:25)

Oh, here you have. There's big money in antiques.

Advertiser (9:29)

Yeah. And he says, we're turning a profit, aren't we? You know, like, yeah, they're. They're trading in a lot of great stuff.

Customer (9:35)

I mean, what are they trading in? Because Johnny Lee Miller is, like, bringing him a crossbow. Like.

Co-host (9:41)

Like curiosities, though, Paul. Like all sorts of curiosities.

Advertiser (9:46)

And if it's not related to Van Helsing's previous work as a monster hunter, then I guess it gets sold at auction.

Customer (9:53)

But the safe, the state of the art safe that you have, the vault is a true catacomb. Like, the building is, you know. Yes. It's made out of stone and it's in this. And I don't know what that real building is in London, but it. It's a beautiful building.

Advertiser (10:12)

There's a lot of cool visual stuff that is that is real, you know, inside of this that I enjoyed. Yeah.

Customer (10:17)

But when they open up this safe, they go into an old school medieval Game of Thrones style dungeon where it's like skulls are out, like, and, and like things are being kept on shelves. It's like at this point, yeah. Van Helsing could have just cleaned up. Cleaned up, upped it, put some nice security in. Like, his security even seems to be antiquated. Like just old school spikes, beaten.

Advertiser (10:45)

It's easily. I mean, like, there's a die hard level, Nakatomi Plaza. Like we're in, you know, just like hacking the computer and then it's over. We're. We're like, it's so easy for. What is Omar Epps. Yeah. To me, it seems to me like this group is not like super sophisticated. They seem like they're just trying to come in and rob the place.

Customer (11:05)

They literally have a recreation of Van Helsing's eye, which is like.

Co-host (11:09)

Yeah, I found them to be pretty sophisticated. So much so that I was like, who is behind this? Exact.

Advertiser (11:17)

I think Omar Epps and Omar and Jennifer Esposito.

Customer (11:20)

Yes.

Advertiser (11:21)

Because she's the one that's saying there's something if there's. No, you don't have a vault. They don't know. That's the thing. They don't know.

Co-host (11:27)

I'm just trying to understand they. Jennifer's position are they. They own a private plane, it seems a private jet.

Customer (11:37)

Yeah. A prop.

Advertiser (11:38)

Or they. Or they get one. Yeah, they are. They're like a fee team. They're like Ocean's Eleven.

Co-host (11:44)

I guess they're like Ocean's Eleven. I'm just like, what's interesting about them to me is that they already must have so much money as just an organization of criminals. Well, but they already must have so much money that they have a private plane, that they've embedded her in this. They got all these people on the payroll to open up a safe where they don't know what's going to be there.

Customer (12:09)

That's my issue. Jennifer Esposito, if you are a master safe cracker, she's like, my gut tells me they got something good in here.

Advertiser (12:17)

You wouldn't mount this whole operation without knowing what you were stealing. You would never. You would never go to these lengths on a hunch. You know what I mean? Literally, I should hope that they have.

Customer (12:28)

Antiquities, they have things that they could steal that are worth a lot of money.

Advertiser (12:34)

Now. I kind of want there to be an Ocean's Eleven sequel.

Customer (12:37)

Oh, I wrote that down.

Advertiser (12:38)

We need a sequel where what they're stealing is Dracula. Where it's like they get everybody around and it's like that snappy music and then Clooney's like, okay, we know that Dracula is underneath the Wynn Hotel, the Hotel and Casino in Vegas. We're gonn win. We're going to soak it in blood and we're going to wake Dracula.

Customer (12:58)

Oh, and by the way, the way that they pronounce Dracula, the way Dracula, they. They are able to run off with what looks like an incredibly heavy coffin so quickly that Van Helsing, when he realizes that his shit's being broken into, doesn't even give chase. But it seems like they're in a sewer tunnel with a giant ass coffin. There was no car. There was.

Advertiser (13:24)

They would have gotten max 100ft from where they were, you know, before he was like, oh, hey, stop believe.

Co-host (13:30)

It's broad daylight when they get in there.

Advertiser (13:32)

And they also exit through a hole in the wall. They have no idea where it's going.

Customer (13:36)

They just. Part of plan.

Co-host (13:39)

They're just improvising again. If I were them, I would just take whatever. Honestly, I would sell that private jet and I would put that money in a. In a, you know, high yielding kind of IRA or something, by the way, and just live off.

Customer (13:53)

Oh, that's a good one. You should definitely do a rock.

Co-host (13:55)

Why are we doing this?

Advertiser (13:56)

This is investment, you know, how did this get financed?

Customer (14:01)

How did this get invested? I will say this. What I really love about the robbery scene is the constant justifications. Like they're like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. They'll definitely put skulls up to, to freak us out.

Advertiser (14:13)

Yeah. Don't you get it? Don't you get it? This is just to scare us away. What?

Customer (14:18)

No, we aren't 2,000 people, by the way.

Advertiser (14:22)

It's shocking throughout how much people. And I guess maybe this is just the thing is, like in horror movies, how much people are willing to justify true warning signs as just absolutely normal?

Co-host (14:34)

Major red flags.

Customer (14:35)

Omar Epps is doing backflips here to explain why they should be taking a coffin that's ingesting blood.

TurboTax Representative (14:41)

We're here for money, Marcus.

Customer (14:43)

The skulls are to scare us. The crosses, the coffin, all of it. It's a grand spanking mind fuck to scare off thieves. If you make a killing, why hide it in a safe when you can hide it in a coffin? This looks like an old wood box to you guys? The Holy Grail, the Golden Fleece, the Crown, fucking jewels. Whatever it is, it's inside. Eddie, Dax and Shade, you get your.

Advertiser (15:07)

Gear and you get this thing open.

Customer (15:11)

I am not touching that fucking car. Wanna get paid? Get it open. I mean that seemed to me is like I don't follow this leader. I don't believe in this. Like they are delusional. I don't think they are good thieves. I feel like.

Advertiser (15:24)

Let me ask you this. They're, they're, they are. They seem to think they're robbing obviously a wealthy antiquities dealer who has a vault. A vault probably full of riches. Okay, got it. Do they know or do they not know that his name is Van Helsing?

Customer (15:42)

Because Dracula does exist here in this world.

Co-host (15:45)

They do know.

Advertiser (15:46)

And if they do know that do they are is nobody from the Jennifer Esposito, Omar Epps.

Co-host (15:53)

Great question.

Advertiser (15:54)

And even Johnny Lee Miller, frankly, even though he's not part of the robbers, he's still in Van Helsing's employ. Nobody is ever like hey, are you related to Van Helsing of the Van Helsing's. Van Helsing?

Co-host (16:05)

Like it makes no another question, you know, not to get back to their financial situation. But if I'm. If I have developed or have the ability to get the technology to copy someone's retina and their handprints, that's Minority.

Customer (16:23)

Report level stuff like a movie that came out, that's like future technology.

Co-host (16:26)

That's fine if they know the hope diamonds behind there. But what I cannot wrap my mind around is just they have this. I mean how much do you think that cost? That eyeball alone, the fuel for the place.

Advertiser (16:42)

I did think it was cool, the eyeball, the close up on the eyeball turning into the lock undoing on the vault. Yeah, there was some cool visuals in there and I liked all that stuff. But I agree with you 100%. They must have invested tens of thousands, if not hundreds of thousands of dollars into the pre work for a robbery. They did not know what it would yield.

Customer (17:05)

Okay, here, here's another thing I just want to put out there about these robbers. It's, it seems like it's quitting time when they pull off their first. You know when. Because it's like, oh, I'm leaving for the day, Goodbye. Door closes, you know, so let's say it's five or six o'clock, give or take, you know, in that zone, you know.

Co-host (17:22)

Yeah, I guess it's not broad daylight. You're right. It's the end of day.

Customer (17:25)

And the end of day, end of, bend it, end of.

Advertiser (17:28)

And it's London. So it's gloomy and gray.

Co-host (17:31)

Exactly. That's very true. Perfect setting for, you know, perfect robbing.

Customer (17:36)

Weather, perfect drag weather. And so here's my thought. They run down that sewer tunnel and they're like, okay, well, here's a manhole cover. And then so in the middle of early evening rush hour traffic, they're popping open a manhole cover and then lifting easily a 300 pounds, like 200 pounds.

Advertiser (17:59)

I would say 500 pounds. It's like, it's a steel. It has a corpse in it. And it is made of the heaviest.

Customer (18:06)

Metal, like lead, it feels like. So they're just pushing that up again. Get me a camera on this team.

Advertiser (18:15)

A bunch of their guys have been killed. And that's the other thing. They don't react at all. Two of their cohorts have been killed by antique booby traps.

Customer (18:25)

Yes.

Advertiser (18:26)

These guys are getting full blown speared with like, you know, you know, and everybody's just like, whoa, okay, come on, we got to get this thing out of here. And they just, they, they move so quickly past their dead teammates that I was like, what? There is. I think the movie's problem is. The movie's problem is it's not sure who the movie's about. You know, like, if this movie was smart, it would have been about. It would have been Ocean's Eleven. It would have been about the robbers and their. They've got a tip, they've got a lead, they're gonna rob this place. And then when they get there, oh, it's Dracula.

Co-host (19:02)

Or the movie could have just been about Mary Von Helsing, which I thought was interesting. I was like, oh, that's. That's sort of a new way into Dracula. Like someone who has part Dracula blood. Yeah, like, or that was fascinating.

Customer (19:18)

Or it could have been about the guy that he hired to make all those contraptions. Like, all right, so I do need a coffin that, you know, that crucifix is going to turn and pop open. I do need, I do need, like, a lot of leeches. I need a helmet.

Advertiser (19:32)

Like, I need all that happened like a hundred years ago.

Customer (19:35)

Okay. So that's old technology. I think that's coffin's old school. All right. Wow.

Advertiser (19:40)

Yeah, that's going to be heavier and the, and the switch underneath it. And. Because also the booby traps seemed like they were like rusty spikes from 100 years. They were.

Co-host (19:49)

Think those booby traps, like, do you think they're tested? Like, you know, when you leave a car at some. A friend's house. And then like you ask them to go start it every, you know, once a week. So it doesn't. I don't know.

Advertiser (20:00)

Do you think. You think they do dry runs?

Co-host (20:02)

Yeah, like, just because. Just because if those booby traps hadn't been used for hundreds of years, like, wow.

Advertiser (20:10)

Well, and I will say this. And now I'm going to amend what I said. All those booby traps were old, but there is also a modern security system, like a computer based security system. At some point, somebody would have had to have installed all that.

Customer (20:24)

You could go there.

Advertiser (20:25)

Yeah.

Customer (20:26)

And cleaned up the skulls. I mean, by the way, you and.

Co-host (20:29)

I just had a conversation not to talk about. You know, I've. I know I've gotten into a lot of trouble on this podcast with what I've said about locksmiths, but I did want to say, you know, just talking about security systems because I. Actually one of the ways they get in to the antiquities firm is one of the. One of the robbers says he's part of security and is checking on the security system.

Customer (20:56)

Well, and also they throw like a Pokemon, a Pokemon ball at one of the things. Like whatever technology that is that Omar Epps throws an exploding ball at that guy's face. Like that seems like it's just a stun thing, but I've never seen that technology.

Co-host (21:12)

Yeah. Make a military and live the rest of your lives in peace. Alive.

Advertiser (21:17)

They don't. They don't want that. They love the juice.

Co-host (21:21)

Never been in there anyway.

Advertiser (21:22)

What? I could have been in there.

Co-host (21:23)

You and I just went over last night. Something that I had completely forgotten, which is a gentleman who installed our security system. This is way back when. At an early bars. Was incredibly creepy.

Customer (21:36)

We did go over that, Jason.

Co-host (21:37)

We did.

Customer (21:38)

We turned it over that.

Co-host (21:39)

And I was like, God, you got.

Advertiser (21:41)

Wait, you just did. Or at the time.

Customer (21:43)

No, last night.

Co-host (21:43)

No, it was like we'd never talked about it. This event that happened where this man said something so fucking strange to me while we were both in the house and we were walking around showing him, like, where we needed to protect ourselves. And he was like, straight up serial killer.

Advertiser (21:56)

Straight up.

Co-host (21:57)

Okay. And then we proceeded to pay him to install all of our alarms. But I. I mean, once they're in.

Customer (22:06)

Your house, you've already. You have. You got to roll the dice.

Advertiser (22:10)

Contract. You can. You can go to someone else.

Customer (22:12)

Well, he's already in. He's already in. We already invited the vampire.

Advertiser (22:15)

That's the.

Co-host (22:16)

Basically that's gone in.

Advertiser (22:18)

That's the cold open to one of these movies, that's like, okay, you know, he says something creepy, and then you're like, we sure are still going to use you. And then, yeah.

Co-host (22:26)

And I just feel like a consumer of security systems. You have no recourse with this. You know, with, like, the people who are installing. It's like, I have to assume at some point I have to take a leap of faith here.

Advertiser (22:37)

Cut to Jerry Orbach's walking around surveying your bodies, being like, I don't know what happened. And the rest of the Law and Order episode happens.

Customer (22:48)

This podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace, Oh, I love it. Is the all in one platform for entrepreneurs to stand out and succeed online. I have been using Squarespace for years. And whether you're just starting out or you're managing a growing brand, Squarespace makes it easy to create a beautiful website, engage with your audience, and sell anything from products to content. Okay. All in one place on your terms. Now, this is what I love about Squarespace. You can constantly tweak and update it. It's easy. You don't need to hire a designer. All right, you can get 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain@squarespace.com bonkers. Plus, Squarespace is introducing design intelligence. This is pretty cool. All right. Design intelligence empowers anyone to build a beautiful, more personalized website tailored to their unique needs and craft a bespoke digital identity to use across one's entire online presence. So check out squarespace.com for a free trial, and when you're ready to launch squarespace.combonkers and you will save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hey, everybody, Just wanted to give you a quick heads up here. There's something we should all be doing. It's going to improve your life, make every day a little bit better. And that is Eat more Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. Yes. Think about it. All the gurus, all the coaches out there, they've never said the words eat more Reese's. I mean, the combination of sweet chocolate and salty peanut butter, I mean, this is something that brings other people and ourselves joy. That's why there's two in a pack shop. Reese's Peanut Butter Cups now at a store near you. Found wherever candy is sold and often in my pantry because I love these. You know, growing your small business in 2025 comes down to how well you can hire right. LinkedIn has the strongest hiring data and insights to help you identify the right candidates. So you can start the new year off by hiring smarter. Now, LinkedIn knows that hiring is a big deal for small businesses because every hire is crucial for a growing company. That's why LinkedIn pairs you with the best candidates, using data that you won't find anywhere else. From unique skills and interests to the connection that you have in common. LinkedIn lets you go beyond candidates who are actively applying in a given week on LinkedIn. 171 million LinkedIn members aren't actively seeking jobs, but they are open to new opportunities. That's a big pool to miss out on. So hire smarter in the new year. Find your next great hire on LinkedIn. Post your job for free at LinkedIn.com valuable that's LinkedIn.com/valuable. To post your job for free. Terms and conditions apply. We've already poked holes in the idea that thieves shouldn't go off of a a gut check of wealth. But their plan then is let's take this giant ass coffin that we can't figure out how to open to the Cayman Islands, which is off the coast of Cuba, you know, near Jamaica. They're coming from the UK and they land in a swamp in New Orleans, which if you try to put all of that together, it seemingly makes no sense.

Advertiser (26:00)

Well, remember, Dracula ties the pilot to his chair and I believe, makes him take him to New Orleans.

Customer (26:07)

And the only reason why he wants to go to New Orleans is because.

Advertiser (26:09)

He feels he can sense the blood of Mary is Van Helsing's daughter who passed some of Dracula's blood onto Mary. Christopher Plummer is Mary's father. He has Dracula's blood. So now Dracula consents. I believe this is the movie's logic. Consents. Mary's presence in the world. They're dreaming about her, right?

Customer (26:31)

They see each other.

Advertiser (26:32)

They see each other, like in dreams, Like Kylo Ren. Like Rey and Kylo Ren. I wrote that.

Customer (26:38)

I didn't even put that together.

Co-host (26:40)

Are you saying. Okay, so here's what I just didn't like quite pick up on before he's awakened by the robbers. Dracula, Dracula. Does she have any sense of him or.

Advertiser (26:52)

No, she's dreaming about him before he wakes up. Yes. Her whole life she says.

Customer (26:57)

Yeah, because like, her roommate's like, you're yelling again.

Advertiser (27:01)

I think Vitamin C is getting worse. Maybe. Wait, who is Vitamin C?

Customer (27:05)

You keep saying that Vitamin C is Lucy Westerman, but I mean, I'm sorry.

Advertiser (27:10)

Who is Vitamin C?

Customer (27:12)

Oh, sorry, good question. So vitamin C was like. And I don't want to use this term derogatorily, but a one hit wonder like, had a very popular song, and I'm trying to remember the name of it. It was graduation. Here, take a listen to that. And to give together and as our lives change Come whatever We will still be friends forever.

Co-host (27:55)

And so who was vitamin C in the movie?

Advertiser (27:58)

Lucy Westerman?

Customer (27:59)

The roommate. The roommate who works at Virgin Megastore and is in front of her own rack of CDs.

Advertiser (28:05)

Oh, is that right? Oh, that is.

Co-host (28:06)

Okay. So she created that graduation song.

Customer (28:09)

Yes. Was singer of it.

Co-host (28:11)

Singing in it.

Customer (28:12)

That's her. Yeah. Her name was Vitamin C and she was a singer, and she had no one.

Co-host (28:18)

Okay, got it.

Customer (28:19)

Yeah. I mean, she released a lot of. A lot of albums. I mean, there's a lot of tracks, I should say. I, I, I, I. I thought she was forever.

Advertiser (28:26)

She was great.

Co-host (28:26)

I thought she was great.

Advertiser (28:28)

I didn't know.

Co-host (28:28)

And I gotta say, I'm gonna say, I think I've said this before. I absolutely love Jennifer Esposito.

Customer (28:33)

I wrote it down. MVP in these movies. But she's.

Advertiser (28:37)

She is in so many of our terrible, terrible movies and is so good.

Co-host (28:41)

Always so fucking good.

Customer (28:43)

What is so good about her, too, is, like, I feel like she gets it. Like, she gets the movie that she's in, and there's a moment where she. At the end of the movie where she has a crossbow and she literally takes, like, a pose with it. Like a chick chick, and like. Like a sexy, like, and now I'm gonna kill you pose. But she, like, can revel in all those moments and play awesome. Awesome all around. Like, I feel like she's having fun.

Advertiser (29:10)

She gets what's happened. She gets what the. What movie she's in. A bunch of people do in this movie. I'm not, you know, not. But I think she's doing vitamin C, too. They're do. They're really. They're. And Jerry. Jerry Ryan. Right. Jerry Ryan.

Co-host (29:27)

Where Jerry Ryan gets killed. It's just so good. I mean, she's just perfect.

Customer (29:34)

Jeri Ryan does say one thing that I, I took some offense to, which is when she's attacking Johnny Lee Miller, she goes, you ever want to do it with a TV star? And I was like, well, you're not really a TV star. You're. You're a local news reporter. I mean, like, let's not elevate our.

Advertiser (29:50)

Let's not elevate your position. You don't think there was commentary on her role as a, As a TV star? You don't think that was a meta.

Customer (29:56)

Oh, I think this is before that Maybe. But maybe I'm wrong. I think voyage.

Advertiser (30:01)

Oh, all right.

Customer (30:02)

But. But I'll say this. Can we just listen to her do her news report?

Co-host (30:05)

I'm here in a swamp of death tonight for five doomed souls destined for points unknown. We have shocking footage of the presumed pilot. Sensitive viewers may want to turn away. He was bizarrely lashed to the yoke with radio cable and bound in twisted pipe. The remaining four victims, as well as an antique silver coffin were removed to nearby Clark, where a tiny town hall has been transformed into a morgue tonight.

Customer (30:30)

That is, like, some of the most unprofessional reporting. Like, she's like, swamp of death, flight of death. And she's like. And. And the way that she describes five bodies. Like, it overcrowded the morgue. Really? Five bodies. You got to take it to a town hall. Like, this is New Orleans. I imagine people are dying. Like, we just.

Advertiser (30:51)

We just saw Lance Henriksen and Jean Claude Van Damme rack up quite a lot of bodies.

Customer (30:58)

Yeah. No one. No one's filling up a county courthouse, by the way. I wanted them to bump into Lance Hendrickson when they ran through that cemetery is, like, perfect crossover here.

Advertiser (31:08)

What they. What they needed was one of those rifles that shoots arrows.

Customer (31:13)

They.

Advertiser (31:13)

That. So that they could shoot, you know, wooden stakes out of a rifle. That would have been amazing.

Co-host (31:18)

So let me just ask. Okay. Not to jump to the end, but Mary Van Helsing is part human, part vampire, so.

Customer (31:29)

Because her dad.

Co-host (31:31)

Right. Because her dad had the blood in him, right.

Advertiser (31:35)

From the spear that went through Dracula and then into.

Customer (31:38)

So Christopher Plummer. I mean, I like that. Capturing again. Who's the man who invents these traps? That trap was pretty amazing. It was like he's walking down an alley, but it was all mirrors. Then behind all the mirrors are guys with, like, you know, pointy sticks. And, you know, I guess they're sticks, but they're not like that. Like, the contraptions are great, but. Yeah, so I guess Van Helsing at one point was like a captured Dracula. Now it's time for me to go get laid. Have a life. And he does, but then disowns this doll.

Advertiser (32:08)

Was this a cut scene that you saw? Now I need to go get laid.

Co-host (32:14)

It's that his wife finds out and she leaves him.

Customer (32:18)

Okay, but why is his wife worried?

Advertiser (32:22)

Probably because Dracula's in the basement's.

Co-host (32:24)

A vampire? Yeah.

Advertiser (32:25)

No, I don't think. I don't think Christopher Plummer is a vampire. I think he's.

Co-host (32:30)

Well, what is he?

Customer (32:32)

He looks Young. Well, he has for his age.

Advertiser (32:35)

But I think that's because he's in. He's injecting himself with Dracula's blood. He. Remember, he's taking the leeches. I thought he's been.

Customer (32:44)

Yes, yeah. Oh, no, you're right. Okay, so I thought the leeches were sucking out his blood to make him not full vampire.

Co-host (32:50)

That's what I said.

Advertiser (32:51)

I thought he was using the leeches to suck vampires blood out of Dracula. All right, because then he's right, because Dracula's covered with leeches. Then he's taking those leeches, sucking out the blood in a syringe, putting it into his body to give him long life.

Customer (33:05)

Okay, so then, so then your theory would. Going back to what June said earlier, is that he's down in that coffin quite a lot. Yeah. If he's getting the leashes off the body, like, I don't know, like, you.

Advertiser (33:18)

Know, like, you know, like, how often do you refill a prescription?

Customer (33:21)

Well, I mean, it looks like he had like four containers of leeches underneath that.

Advertiser (33:24)

He's got to call. He's got to call Rite Aid and be like, I need. I need another month of leeches.

Customer (33:29)

Your leeches are in. Please come to pick up your leeches.

Advertiser (33:33)

Dial 0 for pharmacy.

Co-host (33:35)

Confused about how he's able to take so much of that blood and because.

Customer (33:40)

I think he would be immortal.

Co-host (33:41)

Work like, you take enough that you. That he's able to live forever, but he doesn't actually become a vampire.

Customer (33:48)

I think what it is is this. He shared blood with Dracula. He shared blood with him, but his daughter is of the blood, the true mix. Like, it's almost like somebody put a little bit of blood in his blood, but then when he passed his blood to her, she is made of that blood.

Advertiser (34:09)

So I think they're getting benefits. I. And maybe this is. People are probably screaming at their radios because we're getting.

Customer (34:16)

Why am I listening to a podcast on my radio?

Advertiser (34:18)

Yeah, exactly. They're getting their Dracula. We're getting Dracula lore mixed up. Because I don't know if it makes you a vampire. If you just get some of Dracula's blood inside you. Don't you have to be bitten?

Co-host (34:30)

Yeah, of course.

Customer (34:31)

But that's what he says.

Advertiser (34:34)

Van Helsing is never bitten.

Co-host (34:35)

She was born.

Advertiser (34:36)

No, Van Helsing was never bitten either.

Customer (34:39)

But she. But the woman was. But Mary Van Helsing was bitten by J.

Advertiser (34:43)

Later in the movie.

Customer (34:45)

And then that. And that's what makes her part Drac, part Helsing.

Co-host (34:52)

He says before the reason why he's looking for her is because she's the only one like him who was not bitten but born vampire.

Customer (35:03)

Well, no, no, but he was born as Judas. Surprised? Surprise. Yeah.

Advertiser (35:06)

He was born as Judas Iscariot and is somehow, upon betraying Christ and hanging himself, he is reborn as an immortal.

Customer (35:15)

Question about this.

Co-host (35:17)

Yeah, I don't. Yeah.

Customer (35:19)

Okay. So the idea being in my remembrance of Catholic school and going to church and all this sort of stuff, and. June, I know that you have, you know, a similar background of church, so let's see if we can put it together. My thought was that Judas betrays Jesus, feels so guilty about it that he kills himself in this movie. It posits. And then he's like, fuck that. Now I hate this guy. Like. Like, it takes away the remorse element of Judas. So Judas, like, is wanting forgiveness. He feels so badly that that's why he commits suicide. But then he comes back going like, oh, I hate the Bible and I hate gold, because it reminds me of Jesus who betrayed me. It feels like. It's almost like Jesus did this.

Advertiser (36:06)

Yeah, no, I don't. No, no, I don't think it's that Jesus did this. I think that. I think that he is. Yeah, he is reborn to live in misery.

Customer (36:16)

He's now suffering.

Advertiser (36:18)

And he blames. He blames God and. And obviously Christ for his, like, eons of suffering.

Customer (36:25)

So basically, like, Jesus was like. So in the movie, guys, what I'm saying is, like. Is the movie positing that God is watching over this and is like, you fucked over my son for 20 pieces of silver. So you know what? You're gonna become a motherfucking vampire. Like. And, like, it's like a vengeful God.

Advertiser (36:44)

Well, remember at the beginning of the movie, Johnny Lee Miller comes in and he says.

Co-host (36:48)

Oh, yeah, he reads that thing.

Advertiser (36:50)

Yeah, yeah. He reads a thing that says, you know, the crown, blah, blah, blah, falling off the blah, blah, blah. And Christopher Plummer corrects him and says, actually, it's Halo. And I think what it's. I think what we're meant to believe maybe is that this is a little bit of a fallen angel story.

Co-host (37:05)

Which, by the way, to my understanding, and I'm sure so many people are screaming at their radios.

Customer (37:11)

I mean, some people are looking at their phonograph player and they're going like, ugh.

Advertiser (37:15)

They've tuned us in on AM on 1010 WINS, where we air, where we simulcast.

Customer (37:20)

If we can look at our audience right now, their heads are all cocking like that dog going like, where is that sound coming out of that megaphone on the top of that photograph?

Advertiser (37:28)

Yeah, I know. You're listening to us on a wax cylinder.

Co-host (37:32)

That's the shirt.

Customer (37:33)

How did this get made? Victrola.

Co-host (37:35)

Simple, as far as I know. For and for all the families gathered around the radio right now, as far as I know, this is a brand new kind of take on how Dracula became Dracula.

Customer (37:48)

Yes.

Advertiser (37:49)

Seems like it. Yeah. Because in the past.

Co-host (37:50)

Okay, so in the past, we've understood.

Customer (37:52)

Him as a past.

Advertiser (37:54)

I believe. I believe he has been Vlad the Impaler.

Customer (37:57)

Yes.

Advertiser (37:58)

That's who we understand to be modern day Dracula is.

Customer (38:01)

So look in Bram Stoker. In Bram Stroker, though, in Bam. Oh, sorry. In Bram Stoker's novel.

Advertiser (38:08)

In Bam Margera's novel, what happens is.

Customer (38:11)

Johnny Knoxville kicks him so hard in the balls that he grows vampire teeth.

Advertiser (38:15)

Hey, it's me, Bam Stoker. But basically kicked in the balls by Dracula. Wow.

Customer (38:22)

Now, now, so in. In the novel, he used black magic to turn himself into a vampire, but he did it out of eternal love for his bride, who he'd meet again when she was reincarnated. So that. Yeah, but then. Yeah. So I don't know.

Advertiser (38:40)

Oh, so inside of the Dracula narrative, reincarnation exists. That's interesting as well.

Customer (38:45)

Yeah, I mean, there's a lot of.

Advertiser (38:47)

But this, this movie is the first time I've ever experienced the idea that Dracula is Judas.

Customer (38:52)

Yes.

Advertiser (38:53)

Who is meant to, I guess, meant to live for all eternity in. In regret for the actions he did by killing God's son.

Customer (39:02)

It seems like if you come back as Dracula and you're just like, can control everything. You can make mist do what you want. Every, like, person that you're attracted to is like, under your command. Like, it seems you can turn into.

Advertiser (39:13)

A wolf, you can turn into bats. It's. It's pretty rad. Yeah.

Co-host (39:16)

Yes.

Advertiser (39:17)

You're sexy afraid.

Co-host (39:19)

A great life, you know, and it's also like very fluid sexually, you know?

Customer (39:25)

Yes.

Co-host (39:26)

Women, men, men biting men, women biting women. It's all, you know, it's. It's all happening.

Advertiser (39:33)

Are you. I'm curious, are. Are you guys vampire? Like, were you. Did you read the an Rice books? Were you like, when or any of the kind of. Because vampires have had multiple, just in our lifetimes, multiple periods of incredible popularity.

Customer (39:50)

Including Twilight and the rest vampire movie I've ever seen is Leslie Nielsen's Dracula Dead and loving it, of course. And that, you know, that is really where I began and end. And nothing really tops it. There as far as scary, fun, spooky.

Co-host (40:04)

Sexy, I mean, yeah, I did enjoy the Twilight.

Customer (40:09)

We did it on the show. I like them.

Co-host (40:11)

Oh, yeah, yeah, right. I was like, when did we watch them?

Advertiser (40:13)

Oh, yeah. Apparently the Interview with a Vampire series that's happening right now is pretty good.

Co-host (40:18)

That's supposed to be incredible. I can't wait to see.

Advertiser (40:20)

So I don't know. And I'm not a. I'm not a. I'm not a vampire or. Or really fan. I'm not a vampire. I was going to say a vampire fan, but. But I've heard from multiple people that.

Co-host (40:31)

Here's where I was disappointed. I. I'm interested in the world and some of the themes, etc, I think are super interesting. And the women, the sexuality, all of that. I'm like, yeah. The men, the sort of homosexuality piece of it. It's all. I think it's a really cool world. I. I was so bummed that the teeth looked the way they did because.

Advertiser (40:55)

I'm like, it made people sound bad.

Co-host (40:57)

It made people sound bad, but it was also just like, okay, like, this is. I. I honestly feel like if I went to the Halloween store right now, I could find something that was better and more visually interesting than what they were wearing in this.

Advertiser (41:13)

As teeth.

Co-host (41:13)

Yeah, in this film. Yeah. As little flippers. They were ridiculous.

Advertiser (41:18)

They were ridiculous because they were practical. They looked out of place. They looked like they were filling people's mouths. Their speech was all.

Customer (41:26)

But it's also like, did vampires evolve? Because in the cave, or safe. Whatever you want to call it, safe tomb, whatever it is, they find some skulls which Omar Epps immediately destroys, which is just a gross, you know, just a terrible way to just treat a dead body. But he. But all the vampire teeth were the front two teeth, almost like Bugs Bunny.

Advertiser (41:45)

Like, they had different teeth. There were different ones in different places because.

Customer (41:50)

Oh, they all had different.

Advertiser (41:52)

Different species of vampires. I do know that from comics. You know, some are like the Nosferatu, which got. Plumber says, which is the front to. Some are like the fangs. Traditional, like spread. Whatever the canines or whatever these are.

Customer (42:06)

Yeah.

Advertiser (42:07)

Anyway. But, yeah, no, and those, by the way, vampire skulls. You know how expensive. You know how valuable those would be? Come on.

Co-host (42:14)

Honestly, Run in there.

Advertiser (42:15)

That's the treasure.

Co-host (42:16)

Run.

Advertiser (42:16)

And that's the treasure.

Co-host (42:17)

Yeah, absolutely.

Customer (42:19)

I mean, I kind of found these teeth to be. Besides the fact that I am pretty positive Gerard Butler isn't completely dubbed the entire film because clearly whatever they got with those teeth in was not working or being Sexy. Like, I feel like it really was crowding his mouth. I found them to be.

Advertiser (42:40)

That's a. That's a T shirt. Crowded mouth.

Customer (42:42)

Crowded mouth. Like, but, like, the. The idea of, like, I don't know, they felt really sharp and like, they felt like they were doing the job right. Like. Like, like, it didn't. It felt like the teeth were there for the right reasons, not for show. But maybe you're wrong. Maybe you guys think. I mean, you guys don't like these teeth. I thought the teeth looked actually very, like, razor. Like. Like, oh, that would really cut into me. I felt like there was a lot of like. Like slight. I don't know. I don't know. I felt that.

Advertiser (43:09)

I felt like, boy, I would have liked it if the teeth were. And maybe this goes against the kind of inherent sexiness of the movie or. Or however you want to look at it, but I felt like, to June's point, like, kind of too white and too big. And I was like, oh, there's something that would make it scarier to me if his teeth were, like, sharp and yellow and looked like.

Customer (43:29)

Oh, yeah, they're not yellow. They're like Crest White strips.

Advertiser (43:32)

Yeah, they, you know, like, he. And I get it. He's. By sucking the blood out of the bad guys on the plane, he is. He goes from a withered husk of a man into youthful Gerard Butler. So I understand the reasoning, but it's just not as scary. But he remains then super sexy, which I think is what the movie wants. And by the way, because everywhere he goes, everybody's like, oh, my God, look at this hunk.

Customer (43:55)

But that's Dracula's mind trickery. Like, that's not always. Oh, really?

Advertiser (44:00)

Not always? I don't think he tricks Lucy in the Virgin Megastore.

Customer (44:03)

Oh, I think it's like he's exuding this. Like, you think he's.

Advertiser (44:07)

What is it called? Glamouring.

Co-host (44:08)

I think that, yeah, he put her under his spell.

Advertiser (44:12)

Under his.

Customer (44:12)

I think anyone comes in contact. I think he's almost exuding it. Like.

Co-host (44:15)

Like.

Customer (44:16)

Like a bug zapper or like, you know, it's like it's just out. Like, he can't.

Co-host (44:19)

She's, like, pretty with, like a bug zapper.

Customer (44:22)

Like, you know, there's some energy.

Advertiser (44:24)

Like a bug's.

Customer (44:25)

You know what? Like a citronella candle. That's what I would say. A citronella candle is a better.

Advertiser (44:29)

He's exuding sexuality. Like a bug zapper, man. You ever look at a bug zapper and you're like, that's so hot.

Customer (44:35)

Well, if I'm a mosquito, I do because I'm like, oh, I gotta get in there.

Co-host (44:39)

I gotta get in there. Jennifer Esposito, get me in there.

Advertiser (44:42)

You're actually right, Paul. It is like a bug zapper. It draws you in. It draws you in and you get zapped.

Customer (44:47)

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Advertiser (48:11)

She bit her own lip?

Co-host (48:11)

Yeah.

Advertiser (48:12)

You see her do one of these.

Customer (48:14)

Okay, okay.

Advertiser (48:16)

With her little, with her new fangs.

Customer (48:19)

But that's, but her. Wouldn't her lip be bleeding profusely at that point too? Like.

Advertiser (48:24)

Well, I think there is blood on her.

Customer (48:26)

Oh, got it. Okay.

Advertiser (48:27)

Blood on her and on him. Because that's, and that's why it looks like she did do it.

Customer (48:31)

Okay, okay. It's a messy way to be, but I, I get it now. I get it.

Co-host (48:35)

What I couldn't understand, actually. And, and you might say, June, you weren't paying attention enough. But I, I feel like a lot of the movie we are instructed over and over and the rules are laid out on how these vampires can be killed. And, and we also know that Dracula cannot be killed. But the way that she kills him was that set up so he can be killed. He's pretty much hanging by the cross in the sun. She figured that what it was.

Advertiser (49:07)

Well, I think he lights on fire because the sun comes up and starts hitting him.

Customer (49:12)

Well, but he thought.

Co-host (49:13)

So he's not killed by, by the, the wire she put around him when she jumps off. Okay.

Customer (49:18)

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I think no I think it's twofold. Because if it's just sunlight, then. Then Christopher Plummer's a complete fucking idiot. Like, just put him in sunlight. Right. Like, I think it had.

Co-host (49:31)

You created all that stuff in that room. Put a sunroof in there.

Customer (49:35)

Yeah. Well, I think the idea was he needed to be hung again because in this movie, the cord snapped.

Co-host (49:42)

That's what I think is right.

Customer (49:43)

Right. So he was saved. Now Jesus on that neon cross is holding him. I mean, because she did say we take the body back. She took the body back. The last scene of the movie, the ashes. Right.

Advertiser (49:56)

She's.

Customer (49:56)

How did she collect the ashes? I mean, that was on a high up the building. She's going around New Orleans and.

Advertiser (50:01)

But does the end of the movie. Doesn't the end of the movie suggest that he's kind of back?

Customer (50:06)

She's back because she's seeing him. She's seeing him trapped in the coffin like always.

Advertiser (50:11)

Yeah. Okay. Okay. But I think the movie would have you believe he isn't dead. He can't be killed. He will somehow reconstitute in a sequel.

Customer (50:19)

Well, yes. Well, there were two direct to DVD sequels.

Advertiser (50:22)

What?

Customer (50:22)

Oh, yeah, yeah, there were. There were two. It was. Let's see, is one of them called.

Advertiser (50:27)

Never Fuck with an antiques dealer 2.

Customer (50:29)

I was like, you know, Dracula 2000 was followed by two direct to video sequels, Ascension in 2003 and Legacy in 2005. Same team co wrote all three films and created a plot to a fourth film and discussed releasing it theatrically, but no film has been produced. Now, I say that because I also want to say that the people that are responsible for this film are Patrick Lussier and Joel Swanson. Now the movie is called Wes Craven presents Dracula 2000. Does not seem that Wes Craven is involved in this in any way.

Advertiser (51:11)

Oh, wow.

Customer (51:13)

This was a Dimensions film. Weinstein Brothers production. And this is the. This is the thing that I love about this. Clearly they made Scream. So they have a relationship with Wes Craven and I'm sure they gave him a shitload of money to say, pop your name on this just to give us something, because this is Scott Derrickson who, you know, just did Black Phone.

Advertiser (51:34)

He didn't he do Dr. Strange? The first.

Customer (51:37)

Did the first one, yeah.

Advertiser (51:38)

Okay. Yeah.

Customer (51:39)

So he said that he got a call and they're like, hey, I just bought this script called Dracula 2000. He goes, oh, yeah? Is it good? He goes. And Weinstein replies, no, it stinks. He goes, well, why did you buy it? And he goes, because it's called Dracula 2000.

Advertiser (51:55)

Wow.

Customer (51:56)

And that was. That was the.

Advertiser (51:58)

And and then Scott Derrickton said, I'm in.

Customer (52:01)

That was. And so he wrote it. Then Aaron Krueger rewrote it and then these guys came on and. And, and they. And then they took it home. So I mean, it's just interesting that they just liked 2000 the title. Yeah, like that title isn't even worth that much. But here's what I'll say about his. The ending. So I guess what they're saying is he asks for forgiveness to God. So that is, I think, how he could get killed. If he asks for forgiveness, then he can be destroyed.

Advertiser (52:37)

Why does he do. Why does he do it in this moment? I wonder, because I don't particular. Nothing happened at the end of the movie that made me feel as though I was watching Judas reckon with the now thousands of years of. Of what he's done and feel as though he needs to make things right with God.

Co-host (52:58)

Molly was saying in the chat, like, so Judas betrays. Yeah, Judas betrays Jesus for silver. But like, we don't ever get the sense that Dracula in this version is greedy or wrestling with like. Like the. The greed that Judas wrestled with. So it's the. These things are so disconnected.

Advertiser (53:21)

Yeah. It felt to me like, wouldn't it be cool. Wouldn't it be cool if we made him Judas instead of it being this the, you know, the traditional kind of Vlad the Impaler. What if we made. What if we went all the way back and made him? When they cut to the Last Supper.

Customer (53:38)

I was like, oh, and they're kind of. And they're cutting to the Last Supper the way that you would do it.

Advertiser (53:43)

The Last Supper Supper the way that.

Customer (53:44)

You would do it at a high school play. Like when he is hanging on that tree, it's like red lights, lone tree. It was like he's staring at Jesus up on the cross. It is a. Why wild.

Advertiser (53:55)

Oh, it's nonsense.

Co-host (53:58)

When I realized he's Judas, it was really quite a moment, you guys.

Customer (54:02)

Well, Judas Iscariot, the cross. Cross, the silver.

Co-host (54:12)

All the things you came to despise.

Customer (54:16)

It was my destiny to betray you because you needed me. Now I drink the blood of pure your children. But I give them more than just eternal life. I give them what they crave most. All the pleasure you would deny them forever. It that wasn't. And just to see Gerard Butler in that time, I mean, that's where I was like, this movie is going for it, but do we need any of this do we need.

Advertiser (55:02)

They quote the. They quote it and Molly just put it in the. In the chat as well. But they. The line that they quote is, blood of my blood, flesh of my flesh. Which is. Which is the. You know, the. The. The what you say on. When you're eating and drinking Communion wafers. Yeah, exactly. When you're getting communion. When you're receiving Communion.

Co-host (55:23)

Yes. But the idea is not that Jesus actually made them drink his blood. It's that he turned.

Advertiser (55:30)

This is like, actually a part of where the church splits is people who believe that they were drinking something that was.

Customer (55:36)

Oh, right.

Advertiser (55:37)

Actual blood and body and eating the body of Christ and something that just was a stand in for. Well, I know where that is. Like, yeah, yeah, it's all blood, baby.

Customer (55:49)

Get that blood.

Advertiser (55:52)

Give me that Savior's blood.

Customer (55:54)

Oh, my God. By the way, what did you think the conversation was like? Like, Virgin Mega Store. We got a great. We got a great tie in here.

Co-host (56:04)

That actually, more than anything about this time period, it was actually so great to see it because I was like, oh, man. It was a return to see.

Advertiser (56:13)

Do you remember layout of it?

Co-host (56:15)

I was like, whoa.

Advertiser (56:18)

I remember, like, the Union Square. There was a virgin in Union Square that you could.

Customer (56:24)

And you could go in there and listen to CDs because you could put on the headphones and play the album. Just sit there. And I was like, I remember waiting for the strip.

Advertiser (56:29)

So much time. Yeah.

Co-host (56:31)

Oh, my God. It's just. It was.

Advertiser (56:34)

Do you think that they chose the Virgin Mega Store because it suggested virginity and that. That is like, That's a big thing in vampire kind of look.

Customer (56:44)

Well, you know what? I'm gonna say that I think you're right, because this movie is full of, like, hidden Easter eggs. Like, the name of Van Helsing's antique business is Carfax Abbey, which is the name of the house that Dracula moves into in the book.

Advertiser (56:55)

Carfax. Carfax.

Co-host (56:56)

Carfax, yeah.

Advertiser (57:01)

Wait, isn't that a Marcus Lemonis company?

Customer (57:03)

I don't think Carfax is one of.

Advertiser (57:05)

The other ones, but maybe it's like.

Customer (57:06)

But Carfax, if you bring us a antique, antique era, we'll tell you how much it costs.

Co-host (57:12)

I love all of Marcus Lemonis's companies. They should all really advertise on this podcast.

Customer (57:17)

I mean, by the way, he's asked to be on the show, and we'd love to have him on the show. We haven't figured it out.

Co-host (57:20)

Sweet treats, all of us.

Customer (57:22)

The metal letters hanging on the wall at the top of Mary's house are L, R, U, C, E, which, if you rearrange them, spell cruel. Oh, and when Dr. Seward says the line, I never drink coffee, there's a lot of, like, a lot of Easter eggs here in this movie. Like, about, like, going back to the roots of the original story, you know, so that. You know that there's a lot. There's a lot to unpack. But I do think that like. Like, virt. Like, this movie feels like everyone was like, this is cool. Like, so much so that the title, Dracula 2000, they were racing to get it out because they needed to. To come out in 2000. And, like, they just, like, they started too late. They started in the summer, so they only had a couple of months to get the whole thing done. So, like. But this movie, oddly, even though it's called Dracula 2000, Virgin Megastore is the only detail that really lines it up with, oh, this is an older movie.

Advertiser (58:18)

Everything else in time.

Customer (58:19)

Yeah. Nothing else in it is. Is. Is.

Advertiser (58:23)

Yeah, there is. There's no other product placement. There's no other. But. But virgin is. The word. Virgin is constantly appearing because they're wearing T shirts that say virgin. They're like, it's. It's very prominent in that regard.

Customer (58:36)

Yeah. She literally sleeps in her work shirt as a pajama shirt. It's not like she fell asleep in her work shirt. She's like, well, it's so comfortable at work. I'll wear it at home. And then the Virginia. Richard Branson's like, I love that. I love that kind. Surprising that Richard Branson didn't have, like, a bug zapper off with Dracula. Like, they both get there and like, oh, you're sexy. Well, you're sexy. And they high five, and Branson walks.

Advertiser (58:58)

What's kind of crazy in this whole movie is that, like, even though the movie takes the. The second half of the movie takes place in incredibly crowded Mardi Gras New Orleans, the first half in London, and yet. And. And. And the murders are. They're racking up so many murders throughout. There is no law enforcement presence.

Customer (59:21)

That's something we saw on Hard Target.

Co-host (59:23)

New Orleans doesn't care about Jason. Most of those people do end up becoming vampires.

Advertiser (59:29)

That's true. But I'm just thinking about where were the police who were, like, where the police were, like, where are all the bodies that we put in the. That in that place?

Co-host (59:37)

That's true. Well, the morgue is so full.

Customer (59:40)

The morgue is full of bodies. These cops have. I mean, we saw it happen in Hard Target. There's a lot of. They're on strike again. The cops are on strike. I think the same strike. It ties.

Advertiser (59:48)

It's the same strike. Also, people, nobody's reporting on the fact that local news superstar Jeri Ryan has gone missing.

Co-host (59:55)

And what.

Advertiser (59:56)

And that her cameraman, she's. He got chomped.

Customer (59:59)

She's still doing news. That's the thing. She's still showing up to her shift.

Advertiser (60:02)

It would be amazing if she was broadcasting. If she did a. If she did a standing piece on the street as a vampire. That would have been amazing.

Customer (60:09)

Well, by the way, if. If I said. I was upset when she said a TV star. And Jason, you actually were right. Voyager ended in 2001, so she was a TV star. But I do think she was like, breaking news, you're dead. You know, like, that would have been great. I would have liked something like that. You know, let's play it to the character. Well, clearly we had opinions about this movie. The people out there that. That had different opinions. Now time for second opinions. These are five star reviews pulled from Amazon. 62% of reviews are five star review. 60. Really? Yes.

Co-host (60:57)

Yeah.

Customer (60:57)

Well, what are you gonna say?

Co-host (60:58)

Well, no, I was gonna say, like, I did find this movie to be very watchable. I think a part of. A large part of that was because of Jennifer Esposito and just, like, wanting to watch her on screen. But. And also, like, I just think it's. It's. It's watchable. It's. It's not very good. But it. I thought it went down pretty smoothly.

Advertiser (61:20)

I feel like people. And maybe this is just because of the world. I think people are a lot more for. Of horror movies.

Customer (61:27)

Yes.

Advertiser (61:28)

In terms of, like, oh, maybe the plot doesn't add up or whatever. But. But it was fun or scary or thrilling or it had the, you know, whatever, you know, whatever people want from these movies that I think if they get it a little bit, they're like, great. I loved it.

Customer (61:42)

I. But this is my issue with this movie. On, On a. On a base level. I think the performances are good. I think there's some really fun ideas in here, but it's not scary. It's like the Minions, the new Minions movie, Rise of Gru. Like, the other Minions movies are. Are funny. This one is like this.

Advertiser (61:57)

This is like the Minions. This is a comparison I was not expecting.

Customer (62:00)

I mean, I'm bug zapping and Minions, I guess, like, it. It feels adjacent to like the Minions. Rise of Groove feels like, oh, yeah, this is try. Like, it's not even trying. It's like, oh, yeah, that's a comedy.

Advertiser (62:13)

Just feel like it's promoting the movie.

Co-host (62:14)

Well, you have to understand Jason. So Minions Rise of Gru is on our. So much.

Customer (62:20)

So much.

Advertiser (62:20)

We watched car.

Co-host (62:21)

I know. Our Chrysler Pacific minivan.

Customer (62:23)

Yes.

Co-host (62:24)

Pacific minivan. And, you know, the kids are watching it almost every time we get in the car. So from here on out, everything is going to be in relation to Minions Rise of Gru. Like, it's either, like, not like Minions Rise of Gru, but what I find about Minions are North Star now what.

Customer (62:42)

I find about Minions Rise of Groove, it truly is. It's the way to kill vampires is through showing the Minions Rise of Gru. But the. The thing that I think. Think about when I listen to that movie every day is I. It's not bad, but it's not funny. It's kind of has a plot, but nothing that I really care about. And what's the story? Not much. And it's like. That's what this movie is like. There's no real scares. It's like, no jump scares. The horror scene, I had a couple.

Co-host (63:09)

Jump scares when he first popped out.

Advertiser (63:11)

A couple.

Customer (63:12)

The leech in the face.

Advertiser (63:13)

They're not. It's really. And it's not a. It's not scary. It's more. Maybe it's more of a. I guess it's a monster y thrillery movie.

Customer (63:21)

No, I think it's all. But it's like.

Advertiser (63:23)

I guess it's light, sort of.

Customer (63:25)

It's light.

Advertiser (63:25)

It is light.

Co-host (63:26)

It's light.

Customer (63:27)

To me, the thing that I. What I was most intrigued by in June, you didn't even get to really experience it the way I did, which is like, going, is that Gerard Butler? How is that Gerard Butler?

Co-host (63:36)

Let me look at this spookiest part. Talk about spooky season. I was like, every time I came close to thinking it was Gerard Butler, I was then confident it wasn't.

Customer (63:47)

It was like he was edging us the entire movie.

Co-host (63:49)

It really was. It was a crazy experience.

Customer (63:53)

All right. Yeah.

Advertiser (63:54)

Yeah, it was. It. It's not. Yeah, it's tough. But I will say it is very slick to June's point of it going down smooth. It's very slick. And it's not like, you know, they shot clearly during Mardi Gras. Like, there's a ton of, like, visual stimuli in the movie that is pretty good. You know? Like, it's. It's. It's well done in that regard, but it's like, I couldn't make heads or tails of.

Customer (64:20)

Of.

Advertiser (64:20)

Who am I rooting for? Whose story is this? Do it. When are we getting closer or further from the goal of any protagonist? And I didn't know. There's a couple of very blunt exposition dumps that come very late in the movie. So even then, you're like. You spend the first 50 minutes of the movie being like, who is everybody? And what is their relationship?

Co-host (64:43)

I also love the idea that, you know, from their apartment from. From Mary's apartment. Like the idea that if you live in New Orleans, you automatically have Mardi Gras masks up.

Customer (64:53)

Oh, yeah.

Co-host (64:55)

Several in that bedroom.

Customer (64:57)

Well, you never know when it's gonna happen. You gotta come run down. It's like an umbrella. If you live in London, you need it by the door.

Co-host (65:02)

Somebody who actually lives in New Orleans seems to just, like, detest Mardi Gras.

Advertiser (65:05)

Oh, yeah. To be like, we gotta get out.

Co-host (65:07)

Of town in a totally different way than, like, what tourists do there. Yeah.

Customer (65:11)

Yeah. It's not there just to get fucked up. The. The thing I think about this movie, to your point, about it being slick, is I like a movie like this. Where I watched it. I was like, oh, this is fun. And it's. You know. And they've got some weird stuff, but I enjoyed it. And then when you leave, it all falls apart. That, to me, is a trick that I'm like, oh, yeah, this doesn't really make sense if you think about it. But good editing. And this director was a former editor, edited all the Scream movies, the first three. Like, I think that there is a pacing to it. It's like, don't worry about it. Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go. And it's enough. You're right. You know, it's like, you're right.

Advertiser (65:43)

They don't let you. Nothing sticks or scenes linger too long. Nothing sticks around long enough for you to start to poke holes in it. They're just like, on to the next visual. Overwhelming visual stimuli. On to the next, you know, boom, boom, boom. And you.

Co-host (65:57)

I'm just sort of, like, trying to figure out the Judas piece. All of a sudden, he's, like, hanging off of the. A crucifix.

Advertiser (66:04)

I mean, I loved the part where they're. Johnny Lee Miller and Mary Van Helsing find themselves in a. In a. Is it a church library? Where are they? In a. And then he's got a giant Bible that he tries to threaten Dracula with. And then he uses the Bible Like a gun where he opens it wide and it shoots pages out Like.

Customer (66:24)

Like. Like a fire bullet. It's like, what? Like, like the. Like the Bible.

Advertiser (66:28)

The pages of the Bible are bullets of fire to Dracula. I was like, well, how does Johnny. Keep in mind Johnny Lee Miller for his. He starts as the assistant antiquities dealer. The antiquities buyer.

Customer (66:41)

Yeah.

Advertiser (66:42)

He's not a Van Helsing. He's not a monster hunter. He's not a monster, monster guy. All of. Maybe the movie should be from his point of view. What the fuck is this world? I just stumbled. But it's not.

Customer (66:51)

He literally goes from, hey, this is a world with vampires and shit's going down to like, killing immediately. And then being like, now I'm just on this tear. Now I'm like, yeah, now I'm a fucking full on assassin. He doesn't seem to have any background of killing or anything. He. Although he.

Advertiser (67:08)

Well, he also gets beat up savagely, repeatedly, and never has a mark on him, never has a limp. Very strong Dracula. Gerard Butler, Omar Epps. Once he's a vampire, multiple vampires with full strength toss him around like a rag doll. And he is fine.

Customer (67:28)

I mean, look, they toss Christopher Plummer around too. I mean, and he gets up a couple times because it gives me. Yeah, he's running. But you see. Why is he running out of Dracula blood? Because he just shot himself up that night. He seems like he got on a plane the next day and he's like automatically super old.

Advertiser (67:42)

I don't know how much he has to. I don't know what his habit is.

Customer (67:46)

Okay, that's smart. Okay, well, we'll check.

Advertiser (67:48)

I don't know what his dosage is. I don't know.

Customer (67:50)

Right.

Advertiser (67:50)

Maybe I don't know what the doctor.

Customer (67:51)

Recommended, which then goes down to that. The fact that he's down in there getting those leeches off him a lot. All right, so these are five star reviews. There's not many great ones, but they were kind of picked out here. And I will read you this one from Rick. I forgot how awesome this movie was. It's a new take on Dracula. I only wish it wasn't called Dracula because I enjoyed the humor, action and characters. 5 stars. So your slam is you don't like that. You like the Dracula movie, but don't like that it's called Dracula because. Okay. All right. Mardi Gras party time. I don't know what it should be called. Like, uninvited guest. Like, I don't know.

Advertiser (68:36)

Ooh, Uninvited guests. I like that. Although they did maintain the idea that he needed to be invited in to Vitamin C's house.

Customer (68:44)

Oh, right, they did have that. Okay, that's good. I forgot about that. And then this one is from Rachel. She writes, I'm taking a college English class on Dracula and we had to watch this for class. This is my favorite depiction of Dracula that I've seen so far. Really interesting movie to watch, especially if you've read the book. 5 stars. Read Bram Stoker's novel for the first time for a better experience. So this person's saying, this is the most accurate representation.

Advertiser (69:12)

This is hashtag this person's Dracula.

Customer (69:15)

And then Susie Herring writes, I like this movie too. A good vampire movie to watch. Because many of us wanted to be a vampire or dress like a vampire on Halloween. But I love vampires a lot. 5 stars. Title, Vampire bite. And then this is my. The one I wanted.

Advertiser (69:35)

I love that it's. I love that. I love the admission of like many of us wanted to be a vampire. Like the, you know, like people seeking out all the vampire movies just because they so badly want to be a vampire.

Customer (69:46)

They just need it. And this one right here was one that I thought was really special. It should have been a 5 star review, but something went terribly wrong. From CyberGhost 13. This is a great movie, but I only rate it 1 star because it's not in the original aspect ratio. 1 star.

Advertiser (70:06)

How fun.

Co-host (70:06)

How do you know that?

Advertiser (70:08)

So that whatever transfer or whatever version they watched.

Customer (70:11)

Yep. And then. And then this is a true one star review, which. No. From Arlene. The title of the review is should never have ordered this. Written on January 2, 2021. I am a born again Christian. Not an appropriate movie, period. One star.

Advertiser (70:33)

That's it. I. I like what led to this person getting renting and what I also.

Customer (70:40)

I'm also just like, don't watch it. It's called. Look, the other guy's issue of it being called Dracula 2000 would maybe like as a born again Christian, you might. Oh, I guess because of the Judas. Maybe that's what it is. I don't know. Maybe it's the Judas tie in.

Advertiser (70:52)

Maybe they didn't. Maybe they didn't. Maybe they were okay watching a Dracula movie, but because it became Judas. Yeah, maybe because of the. That it turned into a blasphemous story.

Customer (71:02)

Judas is too sexy. I know we've already kind of talked about it, but would we recommend this movie? Would you recommend this movie? Did or. Or did the Discord do a good job at picking us A good movie.

Advertiser (71:12)

I don't think so. Discord. I think you blew it. Not that I. You know, it was totally fine, you know, but it's. I think if. If it's up to you. If it's up to you, the Discord and you have the kind of power to make us watch literally anything, especially inside of this, the spookiest of seasons. This, like, this is, I would say, pretty benign in terms of a. You know, it's fine. It's got some of our favorites in it, which I love.

Customer (71:38)

Love that.

Advertiser (71:38)

But it was. It was. It, like. Was I, like, oh, I can't wait to talk about this? Not exactly. It was just kind of like. It was good, you know, so it was fine. Some. Some stuff, but nothing. I don't know. I think the best. I think that I'm not racing to watch Discord. Raise your game. Discord.

Co-host (71:54)

Discord, do better. You know, I was fine actually watching this movie, and I thought this was a fine choice for us, but now that I know that this movie was nominated by the Discord community, I'm like, oh, I'm a little disappointed in retrospect.

Advertiser (72:11)

Yeah.

Co-host (72:12)

Like, this is the best you got?

Advertiser (72:13)

Is. Is this the best you got? Wow. That is a direct challenge from June to the Discord.

Customer (72:17)

I mean, you guys are our. Discord is amazing.

Advertiser (72:20)

Next. Cut to next October, and we're watching all of the Human Centipede.

Customer (72:24)

I think that was on the list, as a matter of fact.

Co-host (72:26)

I'll never do it.

Customer (72:27)

Look, I think Discord understands that we love Gerard Butler and, you know.

Advertiser (72:34)

And Jennifer Esposito.

Customer (72:36)

Yes.

Advertiser (72:36)

This is.

Customer (72:36)

You know, they delivered a package to us that in all that makes sense. It checks all the boxes. But again, I feel like the Discord.

Advertiser (72:45)

Is pandering to us. Us.

Customer (72:47)

Oh, wow.

Advertiser (72:47)

By giving us Gerard brothers.

Co-host (72:51)

Figure out our algorithm. Discord.

Advertiser (72:53)

Yeah, don't try. And don't try.

Customer (72:55)

You know what?

Advertiser (72:55)

Discord have an identity of your own.

Co-host (72:58)

Yeah. And it's like we're. You can't, like, put an equation together and try to come up with the answer to what we're going to like.

Customer (73:05)

Wow.

Advertiser (73:07)

I don't want to log on to YouTube to look @ the Discord and figure out what they're saying.

Customer (73:11)

I mean, look, is that how Discord works? I mean, you kind of. I mean, you know, and I'll tell you this much. I'll tell you this much that they're the one that came in second place. Place was a movie that Avril had shot down, and I felt, oh, if that movie wins. If the second place movie wins, I'm going to have to do it to respect the discord. But I would have to go against Avril and her. And. And I got to say, she's got good instincts. She's. It never leads us astray. As much as Detroit would like to tell us that she is by. But. But there we go. And by the way, wait, what was.

Advertiser (73:43)

The second place movie?

Customer (73:44)

I believe it was called Phantom of. Of the paradise, which I always think is. Which is a mov that we actually have some connection to. It's a 1974 film and it's a rock musical comedy directed by Brian De Palma, which Avril said the problem with it is it's too in on its own joke, you know, but anyway, all that being said, head to our discord. Get in there, you know, mix it up, change the algorithm on up. And if you want, make sure you check us out on tour. We're gonna be all around you. Go to hdtgm.com to find out how to get tickets and what movies we are watching and all that good stuff. All right, so anyone have anything that they want to plug or talk about?

Advertiser (74:32)

I mean, I'll shout out. Season six of Big Mouth is about to start in a couple of weeks. And then also Star Trek Prodigy, which is up right now. The new season just came out and it's fantastic.

Customer (74:44)

I'm very excited to check that out. Lower Decks is on Paramount. So funny because I'm part of Paramount. Plus I also plug that. I was on the Good Fight with Christine Baranski and Andre Brower and it was.

Advertiser (74:55)

That's like your favorite show.

Customer (74:56)

It is. So I was very excited to be on there. It was really fun.

Advertiser (74:58)

That's so cool.

Customer (74:59)

I play a lawyer who defends a fetus.

Advertiser (75:02)

Very cool.

Customer (75:02)

Yeah, very interesting.

Advertiser (75:04)

Who plays the fetus?

Customer (75:05)

Well, we never meet.

Advertiser (75:08)

I only ask because I auditioned for it.

Customer (75:10)

Well, I don't want to get into it, but yeah, it was. There was a lot of. It was Johnny Lee Miller.

Advertiser (75:13)

Johnny Lee Miller.

Co-host (75:15)

A lot of politics that went into that. Jason.

Advertiser (75:17)

I'm sure.

Customer (75:20)

June, Anything?

Co-host (75:21)

Nope.

Customer (75:22)

All right, well, listen to the deep dive. And a big thank you to our Discord for being so active, but a giant thank you to our producers. And I am talking about Cody Fisher, our brand new producer, Scott Soni, Molly Reynolds, our engineer Devin, and our publisher, July Diaz. You could check out all of our amazing merch. Merch. We got tons of it@teepublic.com stores, HDTGM. But make sure you go to the had this Made store, not the ripoff stores on there. But thank you everybody for listening. We will see you next week and continue to discuss this and so much more on Last Looks. Anyway, bye for now.

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