The Quest w/ Jon Gabrus (Classic)

Summary

How Did This Get Made? – "The Quest" w/ Jon Gabrus (Classic)

Released: June 9, 2026
Hosts: Paul Scheer, June Diane Raphael, Jason Mantzoukas
Guest: Jon Gabrus
Topic: Breaking down Jean-Claude Van Damme’s directorial debut (and Bloodsport rip-off), The Quest (1996), and celebrating all the absurdities, plot holes, and missed splits.

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Overview

This classic episode gathers the HDTGM crew and comedian/JCVD expert Jon Gabrus to revisit The Quest, a 1996 period martial arts movie written, directed by, and starring Jean-Claude Van Damme. Essentially “Bloodsport in the past—but with less fun,” The Quest tries for epic, ends up confounding, and gives the panel ample opportunity for riffing, questions, and memorable tangents on everything from splits to gang of street urchins, from Muay Thai training to Nazi blimps.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Jean-Claude Van Damme’s Legacy and Guest Introduction

• Jon Gabrus is introduced as a JCVD and Bloodsport super-fan who lamented missing the Bloodsport episode ([03:30]).
• Gabrus shares his white trash, martial arts-heavy childhood:

  “I was full-blown martial arts white trash. That’s why I was obsessed with [Van Damme movies].” (Gabrus, [04:19])

• Discussion of martial arts “training,” childhood dojos, and hands-in-a-bucket-of-sand trauma.
• Gabrus calls The Quest his “11th favorite Jean-Claude Van Damme film”—listing several better JCVD movies ([06:20]).

The Movie’s Redundant Plot and Failed Choices

• The Quest is described as “Bloodsport meets Bloodsport, but in the past, and with slightly less kicks to the balls.” (Paul, [01:34])
• Van Damme’s attempt at "acting Van Damme" and “his independent film” ([07:01]):

  “He’s making choices here. He’s directing it. Poorly, I might add.” (Jason, [07:28])

• The film “takes everything you liked about Bloodsport, waters it down, and makes it so, like, redundant... so similar to Bloodsport, but so worse.” (Gabrus, [07:45])
• It subtracts the fun, splits, buns, and memorable fights:

  “No splits, no buns.” (Gabrus, [08:20])

Iconic Splits, Flexibility, and Gender Norms

• June admits she’s deeply unsettled by men doing splits:

  “I learned something about myself watching Bloodsport... I’m very uncomfortable seeing a man in a split.” (June, [08:24])

• Segment devolves hilariously into speculation about Paul’s lack of flexibility and group flexibility confessions ([09:01–12:28]).
• Debate whether splits/buns are a turn-on or turn-off for women:

  “I think ladies liked him in splits.” (June, [64:55]) Call to action: “If you have an opinion, call us at 619-PAUL-ASK.” (Paul, [65:02])

Opening Scenes: Old Man Van Damme and Clown Life ([19:05–22:05])

• First scene features “old man Van Damme” in terrible prosthetic makeup and a bar with prominent cheap beer advertising ([19:05]).
• Van Damme’s character, Dubois, is introduced as a “French clown” and apparent Fagin to a gang of street urchins—who’s also weirdly on stilts:

  “He shows up in clown makeup and fucking period gear.” (Gabrus, [21:14])

• The crew is confused by the character’s age, motives, use of children, and weird gang dynamics.

Confounding Motivations, Criminality, and “Robin Hood” Ethics

• Debate over whether Dubois is a criminal or Robin Hood figure—or just exploiting children ([23:08]).
• June takes a stand for the urchins and defends child criminals as not truly culpable:
  “Street kids... I don’t think you can criminalize street children anyway.” (June, [23:43])
• Tangent covers the lack of 1920s social services, references to Newsies, Annie, and June joking about running her own “organized group of children.”

Time Jumps and Plot Gaps (“I thought I fell asleep”)

• June and Jon repeatedly admit confusion about how much time passes and why:

  “I could not follow what... I actually want someone to distill what’s happening.” (June, [18:34])

• Scrolls foreshadowing the tournament inexplicably dissolve into random events, months-long detours, and off-screen “training” ([30:04–34:51]).
• “Training” is a mystery:

  “How is he a good fighter? All we see is that he’s a street performer, and then he’s a total killer.” (Gabrus, [42:26])

Tournament Structure: Stereotypes, Ridiculous Fights, and Costumes

• Fights are coded to exaggerated national stereotypes:

  “Every single country has its own unique fighting style.” (Jason, [33:53])

• Highlights: Capoeira guy, flamenco “Spanish” fighter, sumo wrestler (with spectacular man-tits), British fencer forced to fight bare-knuckle, “Africa” as a single competitor ([33:21–34:09], [69:31]).
• The bulk of the movie is just:

  “a man saying the names of two countries and then those two people fight.” (Jason, [59:53])

• Discussion of fighting costumes, including JCVD’s incongruous “1980s bodybuilder and 1990’s gay guy" outfit for the finale ([63:34]).

Absurdities and Glaring Plot Holes

• Wild inconsistencies in time and geography (scrolls delivered, years pass, people just show up).
• Maxie Divine (James Remar) subplot: Remar’s boxer character instantly gives up his title and identity to JCVD’s Dubois after a single kick in the leg ([44:11]):

  “Heavyweight champion of the world. This man is a better fighter than me. And as the former heavyweight champion, I turn my title over to him.” (Remar, [44:27])

• The stolen Golden Dragon heist using a Nazi blimp(!):

  “The plan is so terrible... a blimp is not gonna be able to lift [a three-ton gold dragon].” (Paul, [48:10])

• Motivations are never explained; relationships between characters (like the female reporter) go nowhere.

Memorable Quotes & Comic Highlights

• On Splits:
  “I think ladies liked him in splits.” (June, [64:55])
• On JCVD Choices:
  “He wanted to show people he’s not just muscles, he’s an actor... and the director... and story by.” (Paul, [19:23])
• On the Kids:
  “He’s a bad guy as a 38-year-old gang leader. Who is he dating from this pool of children?” (Jason, [27:58])
• On the Grand Tournament:
  “This is the Epcot of fights.” (Paul, [63:01])
• On the Plan’s Flaws:
  “To me, stealing that thing was a flawed idea because they’re in a lost city with practically an unmovable, undisguisable object.” (Paul, [48:23])
• On the Ending:
  “I didn’t get the golden dragon, but I returned to New York like I promised. Got the kids off the streets. In the end, we all did just fine.” (JCVD V.O., [78:40])

Notable Moments & Tangents

• Table Slo-Mo: The group critiques the misuse of slow-motion in fight scenes ([56:18]).
• Stilts as a life choice: Extended debate about clowns, stilts, childhood trauma, and whether people “just want to be weird” on old-timey bicycles ([52:03–53:00]).
• Ball Kicking: Dissection of “cheap shot” fighting moves; request for a no-groin-kick rule in world’s best tournaments ([67:30]).
• Costume Snafus: The “Spanish” fighter wears the Albanian flag because the actor is Albanian ([69:17]).
• IMDB Trivia Gold: Gabrus relays favorite IMDb facts: Oliver Stone was asked to direct (he “politely declined”); Roger Moore allegedly hated the experience; Jack McGee “was known to pass wind after every take, and everyone laughed except JCVD, who hated it.” ([80:59–83:03])
• Second Opinions Segment: 5-star Amazon reviews are read, including a “Jean Claude Van Damme Review Matrix” ([73:21–76:37]).

Highlights by Timestamp

• [03:30] — Jon Gabrus joins, describes his JCVD fandom and childhood martial arts stories
• [17:25] — Movie opens: old man JCVD, clown makeup, and gang of children
• [27:13] — JCVD’s “inspiring” speech to the kids (audio)
• [33:21] — Stereotype-based tournament fighters breakdown
• [44:11] — Maxie Divine’s bizarre sacrifice and “title hand-off”
• [59:53] — The neverending, repetitive country vs. country fight montage begins
• [63:34] — Discussion of JCVD’s final fight attire
• [73:21] — Second Opinions segment and JCVD Review Matrix
• [80:59] — IMDb trivia: Oliver Stone, Roger Moore, Jack McGee’s legendary on-set farts

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Final Thoughts

The panel agrees: The Quest is a ludicrous, pale imitation of Bloodsport, full of plot holes, baffling choices, and unfulfilled fun. Rather than delivering iconic tournament throwdowns, it’s weighed down by an excess of backstory, misapplied sincerity, and not enough JCVD showing off his splits—or buns.

Jason:

“They set this up... then do 17 minutes of Van Damme backstory, and then they’re like, ‘all right, remember that scroll thing?’”

June:

“I could not follow this... I actually want someone to distill what is happening.”

Gabrus:

“None of these fights make sense. It’s like, of course you want to make it good for movies. But everyone’s style is showmanship.”

Paul (on Van Damme's own description):

“This movie is about a dream, but also adventure... it is the shape of a diamond.” ([84:01])

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Additional Resources and Easter Eggs

• Frank Dux/Count Dante lore: For deep cuts on cult martial arts influencers behind the scenes, search Count Dante and Frank Dux.
• Gabrus’s “High and Mighty” Podcast: Known for more action-movie deep dives.
• Call to Action: 619-PAUL-ASK — leave messages about splits, buns, and flexible men.
• Second Opinions: Amazon’s rare five-star reviews are ever a trove of comedy.

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In sum:
The Quest is perfect HDTGM fodder: mystifying direction, untapped clown potential, international stereotype fighting, and enough asides about splits and stilts to peacefully fill an ancient lost city. They watch these bad movies so you don’t have to—especially this one.

Transcript

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[Paul Scheer]

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[Paul Scheer]

It's like Bloodsport meets Bloodsport, but in the past and with slightly less kicks to the balls. We saw the quest, so you know what that means.

[John Gabrus]

Now it's time for.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Me. Let's follow in the mediocrity of subpar art.

[John Gabrus]

Perhaps we'll find the answer to the question, how did this get Made?

[Paul Scheer]

Hello, people of Earth, and welcome to how did this Get Made? I am your host, Paul Scheer, joined as always by Jason Manzoukas. How are you, Jason?

[Jason Manzoukas]

I'm good. Paul, how are you?

[Paul Scheer]

Very good. And June, Diane Rayfield.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

How are you, June?

[June Diane Raphael]

I'm good. How are you, Paul?

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Very good, thank you for asking.

[Paul Scheer]

We have a very special guest joining us today.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Guys, dial down the heat.

[Paul Scheer]

You know, look, you know, we can't control. We can't control the chemistry that's coming out of these microphones.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, God. Everybody listening is just so turned on.

[Paul Scheer]

June, I hope you have a great podcast.

[June Diane Raphael]

Thanks, you too, Paul.

[Paul Scheer]

Thank you so much.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, God. Get a room. Great. Now everybody's pushing. Pause to just jack it.

[Paul Scheer]

And that is our hope that you do this at least three times during this episode.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Welcome to the Jackcast of How did this get made?

[Paul Scheer]

I actually think we were written up on the Onion AV Club as a podcast to jack it.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Paul Scheer]

It's.

[Jason Manzoukas]

They have podcasts and now they have podjack. Yeah, podjack. All the pods work.

[Paul Scheer]

We do not have that. We don't.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Guys, we don't. Much as they like you to believe that we have something for podjacking. We do not.

[Paul Scheer]

Now back to our coverage of Gimlet Shows. We have a very special guest today. You might know him from Guy Code. You might know him from the TV show Younger or his podcast High and Mighty. I consider him a Jean Claude Van Damme aficionado. Please welcome John Gabrius.

[John Gabrus]

Oh, thank you for having me, Gabriel. Good to see you, everybody.

[Jason Manzoukas]

A long time coming.

[John Gabrus]

Oh, yeah. And I consider myself a Jean Claude Van Damme aficionado as well.

[Paul Scheer]

Well, when I wrote you to tell you to ask you to come on the show and I told you the movie, you said no.

[Jason Manzoukas]

You told him.

[Paul Scheer]

I told him you come on this show.

[Jason Manzoukas]

That's Paul Scheer right there. He writes and he says, you're coming on the show.

[Paul Scheer]

I dictate it. Well, people were. There was an uproar because we just did Bloodsport. That was the last episode we did,

[John Gabrus]

and they said, we're gonna see Uproar in.

[Jason Manzoukas]

It was an uproar. It was a small.

[Paul Scheer]

A podcast uproar that you were not involved in the Bloodsport episode because of your Die Hard love of Bloodsport.

[John Gabrus]

Die Hard, Bloodsport fan, Die Hard JCVD fan, Seagal all what you think this is your jam. Yeah. I was born in 1982 and the early 90s to late 90s. I was taking karate classes.

[Paul Scheer]

I'm all with you.

[John Gabrus]

My dad had a ponytail. Like, we were just. I was full blown martial arts white trash. That's why I was obsessed with.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I love that part of your. Part of your backstory involves your dad having a ponytail.

[John Gabrus]

Because I started taking. I started taking karate classes and a ponytail, and then he joined after watching one of my karate classes.

[Paul Scheer]

That's amazing. That's like. And we're both from Long island, and that's a very Long island dad thing to do. Now I'm getting into it.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Can I ask you guys a question, though? Do you think your dad got into it because he couldn't handle the idea that you might be able to beat him at something? And he was like, oh, I gotta learn these skills so if he comes after me, I can shut this kid down?

[Paul Scheer]

Yeah, he can't Be the man of the house.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yeah. Too early.

[John Gabrus]

He's going to get me back for beating me all those years.

[Paul Scheer]

My dad. I took a karate class in Long island, but my dad was a dad who was like, we should get out of this one, because the dojo closed down. Then the guy started doing classes in his house. And one of the classes was he had a bucket of sand.

[John Gabrus]

Oh, the hand tub.

[Paul Scheer]

And the hand. Yeah, the hand. And my dad's like, what do we do? I'm not paying to put your hand in a bucket like a straw.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I don't even know what that is.

[John Gabrus]

My karate classes were in a dude's garage in Freeport, and he was a Vietnam vet.

[June Diane Raphael]

But I learned in the bucket of sand that you were.

[Paul Scheer]

Well, it's like. It's strength testing, right?

[John Gabrus]

It's like sand in the bucket. And you just put your. And you press your hands into it over and over again to toughen up your joints and the skin on your hands.

[Jason Manzoukas]

So you're just like, burying your fingers in the sand.

[John Gabrus]

You're jamming your hand into the bucket of sand and pulling.

[June Diane Raphael]

It's like wet sand.

[John Gabrus]

No, it's dry sand.

[Paul Scheer]

Yeah.

[John Gabrus]

You're just trying to get us further and further in so that your fingers and hands toughen up and strengthen. Yeah, it's not a good idea, especially for a child.

[Paul Scheer]

A child should not be doing that.

[John Gabrus]

Yeah, it's like breaking boards.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I'd be much more into a wet sand hand jam than dry sand.

[Paul Scheer]

Hanging wet sand feels like you would break a finger.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I mean, I guess if you're a pussy, maybe you're right.

[Paul Scheer]

So when I asked you to do this podcast and I told you the movie, you replied by Saying it's your 11th favorite Jean Claude Van Damme film.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Can you run down the top 10? Do you know them?

[John Gabrus]

I don't off the top of my head. But I could tell you that literally almost everything up to including Double Team knockoff and Sudden death are all ahead of Quest in Death Warrant, Double Impact Hard. These are all like. These are some.

[Paul Scheer]

Universal Soldier one and two.

[John Gabrus]

Universal Soldier one and two. Cyborg, the precursor.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Street Fighter.

[John Gabrus]

Street Fighter was a bad movie.

[Paul Scheer]

Yeah.

[John Gabrus]

All these other movies. When I was a kid, though, all these other movies weren't bad to me.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yeah, sure.

[John Gabrus]

You know what I mean? But I think this movie that we're about to talk about was like, for me, seeing my dad cry for the first time, it undid. Like, I was like, oh, maybe he's not good in anything.

[Paul Scheer]

Well, this is an interesting movie. Because there is something really amazing about Bloodsport. And we just talked about it a bunch and we didn't get to hear on Bloodsport, but you can maybe share some of it today. But it was great. Cause it's like the height of everything. But now this is kind of. And I was thinking about this on the way over. This is like Jean Claude Van Damme's independent movie. Like, it's like his. Like, he's making choices here. He's directing it.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Poorly. Poorly, I might add.

[Paul Scheer]

He has teamed up with Frank Dukes. And if you haven't read the article on Frank Dukes and slash film, it will blow your mind. But Frank Dukes again to write this. But it's very. It takes away all the fun of Van Damme, but then replaces it with, like, acting Van Damme.

[John Gabrus]

It takes everything that you liked about Blood. This is the dumb and dumberer of Bloodsport. Like, it takes everything you liked about the original and waters it down and makes. It's so, like, redundant. It's so repetitive. It's so similar to Bloodsport, but so worse. Like, it's not. There's not. It's not ratcheted up in any way.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Well, yeah, no, you would think the move would be like, okay, that worked. So let's take that and let's add this other thing and make it even better. No, let's subtract a lot of the interesting stuff. The splits, the buns, the, you know, like the bunches.

[John Gabrus]

There was no buns.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I thought the buns were splits.

[June Diane Raphael]

I was glad there weren't any splits. I learned something about myself watching Bloodsport, which is. I'm very uncomfortable and I'm looking at this. Don't worry. But I'm very uncomfortable seeing a man in a split.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Really?

[June Diane Raphael]

It does something to my insides where I feel like, stop.

[John Gabrus]

You have to turn away. When Paul is doing his practicing in the morning.

[June Diane Raphael]

The amount of flexibility in a man, I don't like to see.

[Paul Scheer]

Really?

[Jason Manzoukas]

You'd like your men to be unable to stretch very well. Now, let me ask you, honestly.

[June Diane Raphael]

Now, Paul has no flexibility in his legs.

[John Gabrus]

Yeah. Thank you. Yeah.

[Jason Manzoukas]

And we've heard the electric sexuality that is between you.

[June Diane Raphael]

His legs are like, we don't have

[Paul Scheer]

to get into my flexibility in this podcast.

[John Gabrus]

Yes.

[Paul Scheer]

I don't have great flexibility.

[John Gabrus]

We'll have pictures of Paul's legs in the show notes. Check them out.

[Jason Manzoukas]

That's why I love to show you.

[June Diane Raphael]

We've worked out together a bunch and the trainers are shocked that he has zero flexibility.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Well, that's why we don't.

[June Diane Raphael]

It's like tree trunk legs, like, they don't give. They don't go anywhere.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yeah. I will say this is why we don't do video podcasts, is because Paul's. None of Paul's joints are flexible.

[Paul Scheer]

No, I am standing.

[John Gabrus]

Paul stands. He's leaning against the wall at like a 45 degree angle.

[Paul Scheer]

My legs are the size of Groots. I have two Groots for legs. And it's very difficult.

[June Diane Raphael]

I don't know what it is, but seeing a man in splits like that for so long. And it's interesting too, because I do like male gymnasts. I think that's a nice physique and I can appreciate that. But seeing him in splits was so upsetting to me. So I personally was happy that there wasn't any splits.

[Jason Manzoukas]

But let me ask you this, June. Do you mind? If you were to be in a yoga class or something and a guy was to show himself to be very flexible, would you find that unattractive?

[June Diane Raphael]

If I'm gonna be very honest, I

[Jason Manzoukas]

would ask you be only honest.

[June Diane Raphael]

I don't again, realize it.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Watching a symbol of a healthy body, the flexibility of one's joints, and you are like, no, thank you.

[June Diane Raphael]

Barf in a man. Yes.

[John Gabrus]

I don't. You're old school.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

Love it.

[John Gabrus]

That's old school. You're more of a Jim Varney gal now.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Let me ask you this.

[John Gabrus]

What if. Yes.

[Jason Manzoukas]

What if he's.

[June Diane Raphael]

I don't know why they're so flexible.

[Jason Manzoukas]

You don't know why? You don't know what is trans, why

[June Diane Raphael]

they're spending their time getting that flexible. But I don't like it.

[Paul Scheer]

It's a sign of a wasted life. Or a man not providing if he can be that flexible. He's like, clearly just working on himself, by the way.

[June Diane Raphael]

Maybe it's a primitive thing where I'm like, what's going on in your groins? Like, are you. What is happening?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Is your problem?

[June Diane Raphael]

Like, I don't know, is your problem

[Jason Manzoukas]

that you find flexibility to be feminine or you're worried they're hurting their dick and balls?

[June Diane Raphael]

Thinking I think maybe a little bit of both.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Interesting.

[John Gabrus]

It's like, puts you in a very weak, terrifying position to be that open. Like, your taint is completely like that. It just. You're smashing it onto the ground. Or.

[Paul Scheer]

I always think about how your balls feel because your balls at that point are hitting the ground before you're looking.

[John Gabrus]

Yours would.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yeah.

[Paul Scheer]

Mine as you're going down. Like, Well, I guess if you're not doing it on the ground. He's always on chairs, I'm assuming.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Well, no, no, he does it on the ground too.

[John Gabrus]

You just sit on the.

[June Diane Raphael]

No, I've stretched Paul out number of times.

[Paul Scheer]

I don't know why.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Please continue.

[Paul Scheer]

I don't know why my flexibility is on trial here. This is not a show about how did this get stretched? Is our spin off show on hal and it's all about stretching, people.

[John Gabrus]

It's behind a paywall, but you're gonna love it.

[June Diane Raphael]

How do I stretch him? A number of times. And I have done it, and I want you to have given it my all. I haven't held back from trying to make you more flexible.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I have held that. You haven't. I haven't.

[June Diane Raphael]

I have not. I have not. I want you to know that.

[John Gabrus]

But aren't you a little concerned that he's gonna become too flexible and you're gonna lose it for him? No, no. You just need him to be functioning. You need to be able to bend down and pick up that soda can, please.

[Paul Scheer]

Yeah, I can bend down. Please don't. Don't think me of someone who can't bend down.

[John Gabrus]

You're like Rowan Gardner in Rookie of the Year.

[Jason Manzoukas]

A lot of people, I have noticed that you, in order to pick stuff up off the ground, you have one of those grabbers.

[Paul Scheer]

Yes, of course, but because it's just. It's cumbersome to get down and pick a penny off the. So, yes, also.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Also, like, maybe leave the pennies. I mean, like, if it's heads up.

[Paul Scheer]

If it's Jason. If it's heads up, then it's good luck. And I am not leaving good luck out there.

[John Gabrus]

Not until anybody else for my 12th TV show will I stop picking up pennies off the ground.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Get me my penny grabber.

[John Gabrus]

June, you asked, how are we with flexibility? I would like to say I am surprisingly flexible.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Really?

[John Gabrus]

6 foot 2, 300 pound guy. It was. I. I did a lot of martial arts when I was a kid and was really into it.

[June Diane Raphael]

But you can't do.

[John Gabrus]

I can't do splits, but I can, like, I could sit in a full squat for a while. You know, I could do like the Paleo chair.

[June Diane Raphael]

I think it's just splits.

[Paul Scheer]

I can do that.

[June Diane Raphael]

I mean, Jason, can you do a split?

[Jason Manzoukas]

No, I can't do a split, but I am very flexible.

[Paul Scheer]

Really? How flexible are you?

[Jason Manzoukas]

I'm pretty flexible.

[John Gabrus]

He could do the French roll.

[Paul Scheer]

He could do.

[John Gabrus]

You can't do a split, but he could do the French oyster, which is a very.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I don't even know what that is. The French oyster.

[John Gabrus]

If there is anyone.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Sex position, it is.

[John Gabrus]

If there was anyone in the world I thought would know what a French oyster is, it would be you, Jason.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, man, I feel bad now.

[John Gabrus]

It's not a fingering position, so you don't have to pass.

[Jason Manzoukas]

But I'm a hard pass.

[John Gabrus]

I remember the French oyster from my parents. The Art of Love book.

[Jason Manzoukas]

You remember that?

[John Gabrus]

Like, they, like, had it up and I took it off the shelf one

[Jason Manzoukas]

time, like on an upper shelf when you were like, wait, there are shelves? There are books up here, guys.

[June Diane Raphael]

Yeah.

[John Gabrus]

For those of you listening to this, before the Internet, you used to have to jerk off to your mom's stolen books.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yes. Or something new. Our bodies, ourselves.

[Paul Scheer]

Yeah.

[John Gabrus]

Yeah.

[Paul Scheer]

I just saw somebody walking around the other day, and I was like, how do you find this acceptable? It was like a black T shirt, and on the back it was just a bunch of sexual positions. And it was like, yeah. I guess when I was a kid, we were wearing these big Johnson T shirts, which were really funny.

[John Gabrus]

Soccer players do it for 90 minutes. Yeah.

[Paul Scheer]

But I just thought that was such a funny, crazy thing to be like, I'm gonna put this. I'm gonna put on my sex positions T shirt. I can't imagine.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I need people to know that I need a visual aid to tell me how to fuck, and I'm gonna put it on my body.

[Paul Scheer]

And it's basically treating other people like I help them.

[John Gabrus]

Right.

[Paul Scheer]

Because I know this. It's on my back for you.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I endorse this.

[Paul Scheer]

When you're waiting in line at 7:11, you can pick up a few pointers.

[John Gabrus]

Before I go in the room with my wife, I like to look at the back of my shirt and go, all right, number 6A is what I'm going to do in there.

[Paul Scheer]

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[Paul Scheer]

So, all right, this movie, like, going back to the idea that it is very much the same exact idea of bloodsport taking out a lot of the fun. It's eight years later and the first thing that. Well, first of all, it's a period movie.

[John Gabrus]

When I thought when that comes out, just 1920, I'm like, why does he have to do that?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, I got excited.

[John Gabrus]

No. So I remember seeing this when I was a kid. The two things that broke my heart were PG 13. If they came up in a movie that I was about to watch, I got so mad because that means no tits, buns or murder.

[Paul Scheer]

Well, you could get buns in a PG13.

[John Gabrus]

You can get buns, I think for a quick.

[Paul Scheer]

Buns, dude.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Buns? Yeah, dude, buns.

[Paul Scheer]

But maybe it's a different time.

[John Gabrus]

And then when it said 1920, I was like, oh, fuck this movie.

[Paul Scheer]

Basically a period movie and an action movie. It's, you know, besides like the Untouchables or something, it takes away, you know, the fun is not gonna be there 100%.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Well, I mean, like, you know, there's a version of this movie like. Like I, for example, loved like the movie the.

[Paul Scheer]

By the way. I just thought of like 10 examples where I'm totally wrong.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yeah. Like, I loved the movie Ong Bok.

[Paul Scheer]

Right, Right.

[Jason Manzoukas]

And that's like a period movie. Yeah, yeah. It's a Muay Thai fighting movie that's like amazing. Like, unbelievable fight sequences. And it's like, in the past, you know, in like, a distant past, blah, blah, blah. This could have had the fun of that. It simply did not.

[Paul Scheer]

Well, and. Well, go ahead.

[June Diane Raphael]

No, I was gonna say I did fall asleep for 15 minutes of the movie.

[Paul Scheer]

Yes. You didn't miss much.

[June Diane Raphael]

I have to. That's a major disclaimer. And I had a very hard time. I had a very hard time watching this movie. I was really checking out a lot. So forgive that. But I could not follow this. I could not follow what. I actually want someone to distill what.

[John Gabrus]

I do have a couple.

[Paul Scheer]

I do have a couple of plot point issues. I think before we even get into the main meat, we just have to talk about the opening scene, which is amazing.

[Jason Manzoukas]

You mean the bookend, old man?

[Paul Scheer]

Yeah, old Man Van Damme.

[John Gabrus]

You can tell that Van Damme directed this movie because he's trying. He's like, there must have been 20 things he wishes he could have done, and he does it all in this movie.

[Paul Scheer]

That's what I think is so fucking interesting about this movie. It's like, all right, here is. It's.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

I'm an action star, but this is

[Paul Scheer]

my chance to show people they're wrong about the muscles from Brussels. I'm also the actor from Brussels and the director.

[John Gabrus]

And the story by. From Brussels. Yes, he is.

[Paul Scheer]

And so he comes in an old man makeup. And then, you know, in this weird sequence with, like, a very prominent Schlitz sign, almost distractingly so. Giant neon sign.

[John Gabrus]

I thought when I saw that, I was like, oh, man. You get, like, brand sponsorship, and this movie could only get schliss. We'll give you 80 bucks if you put this neon sign up in the wall.

[Paul Scheer]

Or six packs and $80. So whatever you want. And then, like, characters that are straight up out of the warriors walk in.

[John Gabrus]

That's a great 90s movie trope, though. Is that the bad guys? Cause they didn't want to make them all black or all Latino in those gangs where it's just like one of each race and they all dress like cyberpunks.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yes. That's like every movie.

[John Gabrus]

Yeah.

[Jason Manzoukas]

The most threatening they are is a switchblade.

[John Gabrus]

Yeah, they always have a switch.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Come on, old man, give us the money.

[John Gabrus]

And they come in a FR of a second after Jean Claude Van Damme does.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yeah.

[Paul Scheer]

In an empty bar. That doesn't seem like, by the way, even if they took the till of

[Jason Manzoukas]

that bar, what are they taking, like 25 bucks?

[John Gabrus]

Yeah. Why don't I put a little bit of whiskey in that coffee? I was like, who the fuck is this actor?

[Paul Scheer]

Yeah.

[John Gabrus]

He's, like, looking down the barrel saying,

[Paul Scheer]

not fair to Irish people in this movie either, because he's a little Irish in that movie. And the cops are super Irish.

[John Gabrus]

But that whole. I mean, I don't want to keep pounding forward, but after this scene where we see old Van Damme, we see the other Van Damme that he always wanted to be. French clown.

[Jason Manzoukas]

French clown Van Damme.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Yeah.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Arlecchino Van Damme.

[John Gabrus]

That was when I was. I remember seeing this when I was a kid. First of all, this came out the same year as bloodsport2. How fucking weird is that? That they both came out the same year?

[Paul Scheer]

And he is not in Bloodsport 2.

[John Gabrus]

He's not in Bloodsport 2. This is like a spiritual sequel. It's the 10 Cloverfield Lane. And that broke my heart. I saw this one in the theaters. Bloodsport. I watch on vhs. I saw this in the theaters. And when I. When my fucking idol, the Muscles from Brussels. This guy's such a big. When he shows up in clown makeup and, like, fucking period gear.

[Jason Manzoukas]

It's 1925 and he's on stilts. He's wearing, like, a newsy cap and has, like, French clown. Like a face. Like a Marcel Marceau face.

[John Gabrus]

Yes. Like mime face. Yeah.

[Jason Manzoukas]

And then he stands up and he is on stilts. And I just about lost my mind.

[John Gabrus]

It's just he so clearly wanted doing

[Paul Scheer]

a joke, too, because I feel like when he was sitting down, he's getting his shoe shine. But to be on stilts, I feel like in his mind, he's like, it's a joke.

[Jason Manzoukas]

He also is the leader of a gang of street children.

[Paul Scheer]

He's like a Fagan.

[John Gabrus]

He's a bad guy.

[June Diane Raphael]

Right.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Does he think he is a child dude?

[June Diane Raphael]

Well, I want to get into his journey for the entire movie. And this is why I was really baffled. Okay? And this is jumping ahead a little bit, but when we find out that his mother died and I guess sent him to America with a governess, who I think then abandoned him on the

[John Gabrus]

street, she just straight gives him a note and walks.

[Jason Manzoukas]

You wait right here. I'll be right back. Gonzo.

[June Diane Raphael]

But did anyone else. Are we supposed to believe that what she read was not actually in the note.

[Paul Scheer]

Because he picks it up.

[Jason Manzoukas]

He picks the note up. I thought he would at some point pull the note out of his pocket or something.

[John Gabrus]

At this moment, we should also probably say that none of this ever comes into play in the film whatsoever. This flashback is exclusively for Van Damme to work out. Mom. Shit.

[June Diane Raphael]

Strangest that. You have no idea why. I don't know what he's after for the entire movie. I really don't. I don't know. And again, maybe it was in the 15 minutes I missed, but it keeps on changing. Yeah, I don't know if he does really want to go back to America to be with the street children. I mean, is that it?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yeah, I think he wants to go back to America to rescue the street kids.

[John Gabrus]

But by the way. But he does leave them for a couple of years.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Easily. But this is at a time where years meant nothing.

[Paul Scheer]

But here's my question. He seems to be the leader of a child gang, like Fagin. Like go out and rob the rich and bring it back to us.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yes.

[Paul Scheer]

And that to me, seems like he's a bad dude.

[June Diane Raphael]

No, he's not a bad dude.

[John Gabrus]

No, no, that's like a. He's selling himself as a little bit of a Robin Hood situation, I think.

[Jason Manzoukas]

And he's stealing from like the mob.

[John Gabrus]

Yeah, he's okay.

[Jason Manzoukas]

He's stealing from the bad guys or whoever.

[Paul Scheer]

So he's a rob. Yeah. So, Robin, can we listen to Jean Claude Van Damme talk to children? Just.

[June Diane Raphael]

I don't think you can criminalize street children anyway. I mean, even if they were just stealing from.

[Paul Scheer]

Wait a second, so you.

[June Diane Raphael]

Because what you're implying is that like even Fag and the street children and Oliver are bad somehow for sure.

[Paul Scheer]

Well, I think Fagin is bad.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Okay, how are you don't think Fagin is bad?

[June Diane Raphael]

I don't really remember Fagan. I just remember I feel like Fagan's

[Paul Scheer]

like, hey, kids, work for me and I'll give you some food and stuff like that, but we'll steal money.

[June Diane Raphael]

Oh, okay.

[John Gabrus]

I feel like that's what he's doing.

[Jason Manzoukas]

At what age does a criminal. Does a child become a legitimate criminal? Junior.

[June Diane Raphael]

18.

[Jason Manzoukas]

18. Up until 18, kids can do whatever they want.

[John Gabrus]

Street kids. Specifically street kids. If you have a house.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Urchins, you're urchins. Your newsies, they could do whatever they want.

[Paul Scheer]

So their free will.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Your hoodlums, your no good vagrants, your hobos.

[June Diane Raphael]

How about your drive turkeys when they're tried as adults and not juvies.

[Paul Scheer]

Okay, so Juvies. Now, what we have not realized about June. Yes, I have a lack of flexibility. But June also was a juvie. She went to. How many years did you do a juvie?

[Jason Manzoukas]

A few. A few.

[Paul Scheer]

Wait, so you believe that as long as, like, these kids aren't criminals? Because they're not. They're only being told by Jean. Jean Claude's the criminal.

[June Diane Raphael]

I don't think he's a criminal. I don't know why you're saying any of them are criminals. He's trying to feed children.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Wait, but wait a second. He fights police. He, like, kicks a policeman in the face.

[June Diane Raphael]

Those. Okay, that police force, by the way, was opening up fire with machine guns on children.

[Paul Scheer]

That was the moss.

[John Gabrus]

That was the boss. That was the mob boss.

[June Diane Raphael]

Okay?

[Paul Scheer]

So by the way, I want to talk about that. The police were the ones like, all

[John Gabrus]

right, Dubois, get down off those things.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Everybody knows Chris Dubois.

[John Gabrus]

They're all Officer Krumkes, right?

[Paul Scheer]

They're all like, listen to the Irish. This is. Here are their voices. They're pretty great.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Dubois, I want you and your kids off the street. I mean it, Dubois.

[John Gabrus]

This is it.

[Paul Scheer]

So that's a little taste of, like, what their voices are like. But he. He.

[June Diane Raphael]

I don't want to get into, like, police politics here, but I do feel like to.

[Jason Manzoukas]

You don't think this is the place to. I don't think this is the place

[June Diane Raphael]

or the time, but to say, get your kids off the street. I mean, we're. Where should they go? What resources and services are available?

[Paul Scheer]

He's clearly a criminal that's running a child criminal.

[John Gabrus]

He's doing, like, a distraction for them to pickpocket people. Right. And I think that's what they're stealing

[June Diane Raphael]

from the mob and they're getting food,

[Paul Scheer]

but doesn't make a difference what they're doing with the money. They're still stealing it.

[June Diane Raphael]

Okay, well, show me the social services that are available to them.

[John Gabrus]

I can tell you this is pre New Deal. This is twenties. This is pre New Deal. This is pre New Deal.

[Paul Scheer]

So there's not a lot of.

[June Diane Raphael]

There's not a lot going on.

[Paul Scheer]

So it's okay to.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I believe, and I might be wrong, but I think that all of these boys that he's running with eventually mate with all of the girls that are in Annie.

[John Gabrus]

Yes, yes.

[Paul Scheer]

And by the way, I do want to be fair. Just. If you are listening to the podcast, you should know, and we put this disclaimer here, that June does run an organized group of children to do her bidding. And kind of stealing and stuff like that.

[Jason Manzoukas]

And because she knows that legally they cannot be held responsible for anything they do until they are 18.

[Paul Scheer]

What's the oldest person in your group?

[June Diane Raphael]

You remember, by the way, when we were watching the scene, I said, I will have to. If a child gets hurt here, I will have to leave the room and stop watching the movie. I mean, I felt so deeply for those little street urchins.

[John Gabrus]

But lucky for you, nothing in this film has consequences. That's true. Like literally.

[Paul Scheer]

Let's listen to JCVD talk to kids. This is a great speech. So they just come and they rob the mob and here's the. Here we go.

[John Gabrus]

Wow.

[Paul Scheer]

Did I tell you what?

[Jason Manzoukas]

We're rich

[John Gabrus]

with this, with my respect,

[Jason Manzoukas]

if we want something, we take it forever and ever. These are not good life lessons.

[June Diane Raphael]

I'm just realizing something right now.

[John Gabrus]

That's also not how money works.

[June Diane Raphael]

I think, and I hear now in this speech why you think he's a bad guy. But, but I do think what must have happened was that governess or whoever that was left town. He was a street kid, probably had his own gang. And those kids that he came up with, who knows what happened to them. And he just stayed within the community of street urchins.

[Paul Scheer]

And he like rose to the top

[John Gabrus]

as a bad guy as a 38 year old. He is not young in this movie.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Like, what. And by the way, what is going on? Like, who is he dating from this pool of children? Like, what's going on?

[Paul Scheer]

And he's basically saying, if we now we have money and now whatever we want, we're gonna take, not buy.

[Jason Manzoukas]

If we see something, we'll take it.

[John Gabrus]

This buys us respect. And then he goes forever and ever. These poor kids are being so misled. That's a bag with like $9,000 in it, which in the 20s, that's a lot of money. But that's not in perpetuity. They're not investing.

[Paul Scheer]

And there's like about 30 kids in there.

[June Diane Raphael]

Show me their road to opportunity. You know, I don't know where it is.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Every single one of these kids is on opium by the end of the movie. Like in the two years that he's away, they are all dead from opium.

[John Gabrus]

That's what's. Like you said you fell asleep for 15 minutes. I did not, but I thought I did because I kept going, like, wait a minute, how did he get to this island?

[Paul Scheer]

That's what I wrote.

[John Gabrus]

What about the kids? And I kept like going like, does he revisit America?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Every island they also keep giving us like time markers. Like when Roger Moore says to him, okay, there's gonna be a boat to take you back to America in a month. The next cut is six months later,

[John Gabrus]

and it's not even two. Van Damme, the cut you never see, they're like. When they. Now we're pushing ahead, but they're like, he's become a Muay Thai master. I'm like, we saw him carry bamboo. And then cut six months later. And he's like, you're the best fighter we've ever had.

[Paul Scheer]

And here's the other problem with it. The movie opens after the old man image. It opens with these scrolls being delivered all around the world.

[Jason Manzoukas]

And love, by the way, loved this.

[Paul Scheer]

The scrolls in the beginning.

[Jason Manzoukas]

My favorite is James Remar gets his scroll, inviting him to the match, and has to open it while wearing boxing gloves.

[Paul Scheer]

And the way that they deliver these messages, it's kind of great. Like, there's a dinner theater fighting experience

[John Gabrus]

where people are like the French guy in suspenders.

[Paul Scheer]

It's amazing. So, but everyone gets delivered these scrolls. And then I'm assuming because like, scroll, scroll, scroll, that when we see Jean Claude Van Damme, all of a sudden he's gonna have this run with the cops. And then someone's gonna be like, there's a scroll.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yep.

[June Diane Raphael]

No, no.

[Paul Scheer]

Then he has a whole plot. He goes on a boat. Let's say, conservatively, he's on that boat for at least a month, maybe two months.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, much more than that.

[John Gabrus]

Enough to get that little.

[Jason Manzoukas]

From Thailand.

[Paul Scheer]

Right. Okay. From New York to Thailand.

[John Gabrus]

From New York City.

[Jason Manzoukas]

From New York City. He stows away on a boat, becomes a boat slave.

[Paul Scheer]

Yes.

[Jason Manzoukas]

For months.

[Paul Scheer]

So, okay, so we say, let's say conservatively, three months. All right, Conservatively.

[Jason Manzoukas]

All right, conserv. You're saying conservatively?

[Paul Scheer]

Yeah.

[John Gabrus]

Okay.

[June Diane Raphael]

Conservatively, three months pointed out on that boat. He's just simply moving like, oh, why is he moving?

[John Gabrus]

Wait, especially. That's clearly more than a month into the boat ride. They're like, you know what, let's get those sandbags. Rain today.

[Jason Manzoukas]

We gotta bring those bags downstairs.

[John Gabrus]

It's like, why they're running guns from New York York. Under the auspices that it's grains from New York. And that's the other crazy thing is Van Damme. They're like a 10 year old kid goes to Van Damme who just got shot, who was shot by a gangster,

[Paul Scheer]

who, by the way, took a great bullet. Ooh, it was a real kid.

[John Gabrus]

The reason he got caught was he Was looking through. They were arguing with Van Damme. And then he just shoves the boxes he's standing behind. It's not like a cliche, like where a cat makes a noise. He just shoves the boxes. The guy turns, shoots a child. And then the kid is hurt and he goes, fuck it, you gotta run. No, no, no. The mob is gonna get you. The mob doesn't kill kids. Cause they're the mob. Question mark.

[Paul Scheer]

And also, it's like they're gonna blame you, but there's mafia dudes all around. There's like machine guns that they're holding. It doesn't make any sense.

[John Gabrus]

And then he just gets on a boat and leaves these kids that all he cares about is taking care of them. And then he.

[Paul Scheer]

And conservatively, how long you say he's on that boat?

[John Gabrus]

Conservatively.

[Paul Scheer]

Yeah.

[John Gabrus]

See, I'm gonna go liberally, three and a half months.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Liberally.

[John Gabrus]

Liberally, three and a half months.

[Paul Scheer]

I do wan. I'm just gonna say, just for the

[Jason Manzoukas]

timeline argument, I'm gonna say, like, independently. Yeah, like four months.

[Paul Scheer]

Greenly, June, matter of factly, how long do you think you've done that boat?

[June Diane Raphael]

I don't know. I honestly thought it could have been years. Okay, so I had no idea.

[John Gabrus]

Now we know when you fell asleep.

[June Diane Raphael]

I didn't know. The whole marking of time in this movie was insane to me.

[Paul Scheer]

So he's on this boat for a number of months. He then goes to Muay Thai island for six months. We know that.

[Jason Manzoukas]

No, he's there longer than six months. There's just a six month jump. Oh, okay.

[John Gabrus]

To Roger Moore.

[Jason Manzoukas]

He doesn't leave immediately after that. He's still there, I think, for some period of time.

[Paul Scheer]

So, like, at least say we can argue that a year has passed from when the scrolls were delivered to when the fight begins, at least. And there seems to be like, it

[John Gabrus]

seems to be like James Remar. A year to get there. It took the fencer guy a year to get there.

[Paul Scheer]

It's not like they send those scrolls out, like, hey, in two years, come

[June Diane Raphael]

to the special wedding invitation.

[John Gabrus]

The other thing about this movie, there's not a better thing in the. For me as a, as an action movie fan, there's not a better thing than, like, look at all these different type, like, bloodsport doing it literally the best of, like, monkey man, sumo wrestler guy. These are such watered down versions of these badasses that they try to make a fat man standing up out of a hot tub seem intense.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, yeah.

[John Gabrus]

Like his tits bounce and it's like, dun, dun. He's like, Japan. It's like, wait a minute. That guy looks just like me. Like, I have the same exact body as that guy. And they're saying, like, oh, fuck.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, he. He's terrifying.

[Paul Scheer]

I mean, basically, they go to. I mean, the whole movie revolves around a stereotype fight. It's like, what stereotype from what country can we get away with?

[John Gabrus]

The Spanish guy who's doing the flamenco. That's not a martial art.

[Jason Manzoukas]

All his moves are flamenco based. He's crazy.

[John Gabrus]

He's doing spin kicks, not flamenco style. But he does stand with one arm. No, it's not.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Also, what this movie posits is that every single country has its own unique fighting style. You know what I mean? So that, like, Japan is represented by sumo, Brazil is represented by Capoeira. Like, Thailand is represented by Muay Thai. Like, every. Whatever.

[John Gabrus]

And then there's like, a British fencer, and he gets the scroll, and they're like, oh, P.S. you can't use a sword. So I hope you can translate fencing, which is literally not dangerous at all. I hope you can translate to that. To bare knuckle fist fighting, hardcore fist fighting. And then just.

[Paul Scheer]

I mean. And we're going out of order, but who cares? There's, like, the guy who he trains with on Muay Thai island who he doesn't seem to have a great relationship with. They don't really even show him a Mr. Miyagi relationship, which is, again, he's taken out all the things that make Bloodsport interesting. Yes.

[June Diane Raphael]

He didn't see him train unless I was asleep.

[John Gabrus]

No, that's when I thought I fell asleep, because I literally was like, okay, they're just at Hobbs. Lord Hobbs playing. You know, they must have just needed to get more Roger Moore screen time, to be honest.

[Paul Scheer]

By the way, Roger Moore, amazing in this movie. I am a big fan.

[John Gabrus]

I mean, he's great in everything.

[Jason Manzoukas]

And another. Another opportunity for him to pronounce the name Smith as Smythe.

[Paul Scheer]

Right.

[June Diane Raphael]

I have to ask, did you notice a difference between. I mean, I don't know Muay Thai that well, but I felt like I never saw a difference in the way he was fighting.

[John Gabrus]

No, that's what's crazy is. And the other crazy thing is that Hob says that's he's the best fighter I've ever seen. And he watched him do 30 seconds of his hands chained together, choking a guy on a butt while there was a gunfight going on. He's like, we're gonna sell him for big bucks. It's like, where the fuck did you get that idea from?

[Paul Scheer]

And why would you sell a guy who's a fighter to an island full of fighters? Like, we don't need any.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, I think. I think he was. He was basically like. Sold him onto Muay Thai island to be like, this guy's a fighter. You can use him. You can.

[Paul Scheer]

For what purpose?

[John Gabrus]

The whole island. I think they were just trying to get some bucks off him. They're trying to get some bucks.

[June Diane Raphael]

Made no sense. But then the guy he sold him to on the Muay Thai island. And again, maybe I was asleep, but it seemed like he felt he got the raw end of the bargain.

[John Gabrus]

Yes.

[Jason Manzoukas]

That's why he doesn't understand, I think, because it appeared in the beginning, like he thought maybe he'd paid too much for jcvd.

[John Gabrus]

He said about John Claude Van Damme, he's like, if he loses in the first round, this is not an investment.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Exactly.

[John Gabrus]

But that makes sense. There's so much shit. This whole part that they show him twice on Muay Thai island, once carrying bamboo sticks, watching guys kicking on the beach. And then they show him defend two kids, a kid from being bullied. That's the only time they show him on the island. There's no training sequence. How does this not have a moment where he's doing splits or learning Muay Thai? That's the biggest and best trope from these movies. He's his training montage.

[June Diane Raphael]

My problem with this movie. And again, maybe I was a. You know, important parts.

[Paul Scheer]

I will tell you, when you were

[June Diane Raphael]

asleep this, by the way, but it felt to me like never, you know, he was sold as a slave, it seems. Almost twice. Once to the boat. Yes. And then back to.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Well, he wasn't sold the first time. He was just a slave on the boat.

[Paul Scheer]

Because he was fine.

[Jason Manzoukas]

He was a stowaway.

[June Diane Raphael]

He was on the boat and then he was like a fighter slave to the guy in the Muay Thai island mti. Yes. But it seemed like, wow, if I was in that position, I would revolt against fighting. I would feel like fighting, to me, is being a slave. Cause he's really being trained as a

[Jason Manzoukas]

slave of the fight. But fighting. But fighting, I think is his only way out.

[Paul Scheer]

But wouldn't you make the argument that

[Jason Manzoukas]

if you're making a movie, otherwise you're just gonna be like, moving bamboo forever?

[June Diane Raphael]

But then he cares so much about fighting the rest of the movie, and I couldn't understand.

[Paul Scheer]

Get the gold dragon to free the kids.

[John Gabrus]

The motivation Makes no sense. He's like, once I get this gold Dragon, I split the money with this guy who's already sold me into slavery. Yes.

[Paul Scheer]

And he was untrustworth.

[John Gabrus]

And then I could take that money and bring it back to the kids who have all definitely been killed at this point.

[Paul Scheer]

And at this point, we're saying it's at least nine months, if not more conservatively. Conservatively.

[Jason Manzoukas]

This is what's even weirder is, okay, so Roger, James Bond, Roger Moore sells JCVD to the guy on Mti Muay Thai Island. Okay. Disappears. Six months later, Roger Moore comes back and he's like, oh, look, you're still here.

[Paul Scheer]

Hahaha.

[John Gabrus]

Oh, no.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I think six months later, Bangkok.

[Paul Scheer]

Bangkok Star even expect to see him,

[Jason Manzoukas]

but because JCVD is not just like, fighting normal fights, I guess. But then JCVD comes to Roger Moore and is like, this is where I got confused. He's like, do you know about the Lost City and this big secret fight?

[John Gabrus]

That whole exchange is like a who's on first?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yes.

[John Gabrus]

It's like, lost City. Lost City. Golden Dragon. Golden Dragon. It's like, this is a fucking comedy sketch.

[Jason Manzoukas]

And it's like all exposition. And it basically sets up up the point of the movie, which we are like, conservatively one hour in now.

[John Gabrus]

Yes, dude, they set this up. They do the scrolls thing, then do 7 minutes, 17 minutes of Van Damme backstory, and then they're like, all right, remember that scroll thing now? It's.

[June Diane Raphael]

Why would he ever want to partner up with his previous owner?

[John Gabrus]

I know, right?

[Paul Scheer]

That's what he's so bad slave mentality.

[Jason Manzoukas]

He has no options.

[Paul Scheer]

That's like that. You get in that. You get in that zone that was it called the syndrome.

[John Gabrus]

Stockholm Syndrome.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Stockholm Syndrome.

[June Diane Raphael]

But then he goes so far as to even free them when they're enslaved later in the movie.

[Paul Scheer]

There's something so weird here, because my gut would be. Just simplify it. He's a guy who gets in trouble with the law, falls in the boat, has no martial arts training, goes to Muay Thai island, becomes an amazing fighter,

[John Gabrus]

and then fights that's the most.

[Jason Manzoukas]

And then fights as the representative of

[John Gabrus]

Muay Thai island because they've given him an identity. And then he's able to win the Golden Dragon and bring it back to the kids. I'm a new man. I learned martial arts.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Free all of Muay Thai island, then go and free all of the kids. He frees everyone instead. He's just like the pawn of con men.

[June Diane Raphael]

So you think everyone on Muay Thai island is a slave.

[John Gabrus]

I think they want to be there. I think they want to. They sound like they're a revolutionary group and that's why they buy the guns. Oh, oh, oh, that's true. I think they're like trying to do a coup.

[Paul Scheer]

But then why does the owner of Muay Thai island go when he finds out that JCVD is gonna fight in the big tournament? He's like, oh, why would you do that after all this training I just gave you? But then you cut to big fight tournament and he's got his own guy there too. Oh, fuck it. I mean, you know, I'm gonna, I'm gonna get. I'm a mid

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[John Gabrus]

The other thing this movie's missing is how is he a good fighter? All we see is that he's a street performer. And then he's like a total.

[Jason Manzoukas]

And then everybody, James Remar, everybody is like, he's literally the best fighter I've ever seen.

[John Gabrus]

He gets always.

[Jason Manzoukas]

After like two small demonstrations of fighting.

[John Gabrus]

The James Remar scene you're talking about is a boxer squares up Van Damme kicks him in the leg and he goes, that's the best fighter I've ever been involved. It's like a boxer. You've never been kicked.

[Jason Manzoukas]

He is also James Remar.

[Paul Scheer]

This is where June fellas sight.

[Jason Manzoukas]

James remarried.

[John Gabrus]

He puts his life on the line.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yes. He basically James Remar, who has been invited to the top secret Lost City fight. He's gotten a scroll cuz he's the heavy champion of the world.

[Paul Scheer]

By the way, James Remar is amazing in this movie. I want to play this scene. So basically James Remar gets one kick and he's like, I'm out of here. And he runs away into the desert.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Just to make sure. If people don't know James Remar, Dexter's dad. Oh, Dexter's dad. I know him as Richard, Samantha's boyfriend on the billionaire on Sex and the City.

[John Gabrus]

If you don't think I have the Sex and the City box set, I do. The one that comes in Lucite with a heel on it.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Worse. You're married, I'm not.

[John Gabrus]

Yeah, fair enough. But the show came out when I was like 17.

[Paul Scheer]

Let's listen to. This is the craziest moment. Because basically they steal James Remar's invite and again like his identity.

[John Gabrus]

Arguably they're like pretending to be him.

[Paul Scheer]

Exactly.

[June Diane Raphael]

So this is a piece of information I needed.

[Paul Scheer]

Yeah, this is where you now it all locks in.

[Jason Manzoukas]

What if you were like, oh, that makes entire sense.

[June Diane Raphael]

Everything's lined up.

[Paul Scheer]

So now take a listen to this. This is the craziest, in my opinion the craziest scene in the movie. Because now JCVD is like, I am Maxie. I am the American heavyweight champion of the world. And then this happens.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Maxi Divine of America.

[Paul Scheer]

He stands up. That's me.

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[Paul Scheer]

Then James Grimar walks in. Maxi Divine, heavyweight champion of the world. This man is a better fighter than me. And as the former heavyweight champion, I

[Jason Manzoukas]

turn my title over to him.

[Paul Scheer]

And he's carrying a belt on him.

[John Gabrus]

Yes.

[Jason Manzoukas]

This here's your man, Christopher Dubois.

[John Gabrus]

Dubois will be granted a chance to prove if he is a worthy combatant in the first round. This. If not, this is the. Crazy Divine shall pay the penalty and never leave the Lost City. What? What? What the fuck?

[Paul Scheer]

All right, that's good.

[John Gabrus]

I'm dupont. In that moment, I go, you know what? That seems like too much pressure, Maxi. You just fight.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Just jk. I will fight.

[June Diane Raphael]

So why does Maxey give up his own title, though? Just out of respect?

[John Gabrus]

Because he's.

[June Diane Raphael]

Respect.

[John Gabrus]

Because he lost. They sort of justify it. In the next line, he goes, I want to see the American flag flying at the end of this tournament. So what he means is he just wants America to win.

[Jason Manzoukas]

America as represented by Jean Claude Van Damme, who is definitively not America and

[Paul Scheer]

not fighting in an American style.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Right, Right.

[Paul Scheer]

Yeah.

[John Gabrus]

The thing about it is that he. What they're not saying is that Remar's like, oh, I didn't know you're allowed to kick in this thing. And I'm gonna be fucked. I normally just box. I wear gloves. I'm 50. I'm like, maybe conservatively 49 years old.

[Jason Manzoukas]

49 years old. I am the heavyweight champion of the world, but am maximum 175. Five, eight.

[Paul Scheer]

And no definition really either, to be fair. In 1920s.

[John Gabrus]

20s, like, pugilist style. Pull the waistband up above your chest.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I have a lot. June. Okay, Sorry, go ahead.

[Paul Scheer]

Well, my issue was also. Then we can go to June, too, was that the judge was so loosey goosey, he was like, okay, yeah, sure. And then, like, later on.

[Jason Manzoukas]

And then later, they changed the rules again. He's like, okay. They're constantly changing the rules of this ancient tournament just to make it easier for JCVD to compete and win.

[John Gabrus]

I was just like. I sent all these monks. I taught them English. I taught them how to travel around the world to deliver these scrolls. And now people are just wandering into my tournament.

[Jason Manzoukas]

And you. You fucks from America think you can just, like, let somebody else fight in your stead. Well, screw you.

[Paul Scheer]

That would be like, the equivalent of, like, in this March madness right now, like, if just, like, a community college was like, hey, we kind of want to play. I think we're pretty good. We'd love to play. And they'd be like, yeah, all right. Get in here.

[Jason Manzoukas]

No, it would be like if a community college randomly, in one game, beat Duke, and Duke was like, you know what? Put them in the Final Four. Not us.

[John Gabrus]

No. Beat them in a game of horse. If we want to keep this analogy going, Two guys, two street ballers, beat Duke in a game of horse. Duke goes to the NCAA and goes, I can't do this.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Put them in the Final Four. They're the best team we've ever seen. We will.

[June Diane Raphael]

Here's my question, though. At one point, doesn't Jean Claude Van Damme, isn't he conspiring to just steal the golden horse?

[Paul Scheer]

Right.

[Jason Manzoukas]

That's Roger Moore and Jack McGee's plan.

[John Gabrus]

That's their plan.

[June Diane Raphael]

That's their plan.

[John Gabrus]

That he is.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yes. That he's kind of along for the ride.

[June Diane Raphael]

I had trouble with that.

[John Gabrus]

No, I think he thinks he's going to. To win it.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yes.

[John Gabrus]

He thinks he's going to win it legally because that's the prize. Well, no, he does.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I don't know that he does. Because until James Remar lets him also. Yes, but until, like, when they get. When they are pretending to be James Remar's, like, valet and whatever. Jean Claude Van Damme doesn't think he's going to get to fight.

[John Gabrus]

Oh, no, he's. Because they. I thought their plan was to steal Remar's identity so he could.

[Paul Scheer]

No, no. But then Roger Moore goes, when he's busy thinking about fighting, will steal.

[John Gabrus]

Yeah.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Because I don't think they can steal Maxi's, by the way. They're trying to steal him. Maxi.

[Paul Scheer]

They're trying to steal a giant fucking. Like, it would be the Equ. I mean, I'm trying to think of how big this dragon is.

[John Gabrus]

It's the size of the bull down by the.

[Paul Scheer]

By Wall Street.

[John Gabrus]

Yeah, yeah.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Solid gold.

[Paul Scheer]

Solid gold. And, oh, we got to talk about.

[Jason Manzoukas]

We got to talk about the Nazi blimp.

[John Gabrus]

Did Germans get it out of here?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Talk about the blimp.

[Paul Scheer]

Well, you had a question for June. I know. I.

[Jason Manzoukas]

We. We're not there yet.

[Paul Scheer]

Okay. Yeah.

[Jason Manzoukas]

And I think it's gonna be a real. We'll see how it goes.

[Paul Scheer]

To me, I felt like stealing that thing was a flawed idea because they're in a lost city with practically an unmovable, undisguisable object. Like, they can't just get out of town with and that they have to

[John Gabrus]

put on a boat. Right? Like, that's the only thing that they can get it out of there. On. And I don't know how you add 3 tons of gold to a boat and still get it back to the States or London or wherever they're from.

[Paul Scheer]

Well, you first have to put it on a horse, then you have to put it on an elephant, then have to put it on a.

[June Diane Raphael]

None of them like riding elephants.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Well, the other thing.

[Paul Scheer]

Although JCVD did write an elephant to the premiere.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Bye. Oh, my God. Amazing.

[Paul Scheer]

I have pictures of it, and I will put them up.

[Jason Manzoukas]

By the way, this is a movie. This, I think, maybe speaks to your PG13 problem is where multiple characters refer to their butts and their buns as rumps. Like, two different characters are like, oh, my rump is sore. And I was like, what?

[June Diane Raphael]

Felt to me like a translation issue. Like, yeah, that's like what Jean Claude Van Damme calls his body. Yeah.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yeah.

[John Gabrus]

Another great moment is when. Now we're jumping back a little bit, but when he is chained up and the slaver who enslaved him is going to kill him now because they're arriving at the island. It's like you have a slave that's working for you. You could sell him, too.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, yeah.

[John Gabrus]

But instead you're going to keep him for the next round, right? Exactly. But instead you're gonna kill him. He's handcuffed in a bicep pose. Like, he's handcuffed in a double bicep pose where it's over the gate and he's just standing there flexing. His AR are huge. And he allegedly has no fight training or something like that. He's been just a street performer. And he's not even a street performer. Like, why wasn't he an acrobat or something? That would justify why he's flexible and insanely ripped. Yeah, no, he's a. He's a street clown who happens to be.

[June Diane Raphael]

Well, I will say this takes some physical ability to get on those.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I will say this. Like, if shit goes down, I do. If shit goes down, what I am going to do is I am going to round up as many clowns and acrobats as I can. And because those are going to be the best fighters. You know what, Love where it's at. My army is an army of clowns.

[Paul Scheer]

Mr. Miyagi taught painters and car waxers how to be the best karate.

[June Diane Raphael]

I have to say, I was bummed in that opening sequence that they didn't play that out a bit longer. Him on stilts, his clowning. Well, just him fighting on stilts.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Sure.

[Paul Scheer]

I'd like to have seen him do more clowning, too.

[June Diane Raphael]

Interesting. Well, look, I.

[John Gabrus]

You're a theater buff.

[Paul Scheer]

June does, like, legit, like, clowning.

[June Diane Raphael]

I do like clowning, but I also. But I also wanted to see. I mean, it is fascinating, these people who walk around on stilts.

[Jason Manzoukas]

It is.

[John Gabrus]

You're talking about a movie in which a.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Well, you know, they don't do it in real life. They just do it as a performative.

[June Diane Raphael]

No, they're always. They're always in their stilts.

[John Gabrus]

I like that. This is a movie about an ancient fighting tournament where people from all over the world fight each other to death. And you're like, it is pretty interesting that people walk on stilts.

[June Diane Raphael]

Yeah. As I was watching them, I'm like, wow, that's. That's a crazy thing that people do very high up.

[Jason Manzoukas]

When I was a kid. When I was a kid, I had very high.

[Paul Scheer]

I love that.

[Jason Manzoukas]

When I was a kid, I had an idea for a restaurant where all the tables were, like, 15ft in the air and all the seats were lifeguard chairs.

[Paul Scheer]

Oh, fun.

[Jason Manzoukas]

And all the waiters were on stilts.

[John Gabrus]

Fun, Jason, that's awesome.

[Paul Scheer]

Don't say that out loud. Now you've just given up that amazing idea.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Boom. Put it out there.

[June Diane Raphael]

I just wonder. I mean, I guess you guys aren't that interested in it, but at what point do you get on stilts? Cause it seems to me one of those skills where it's just like, one day you're on them.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Do you think those people have spent their whole lives being like, I need to be up to. I need to be up there? And stilts is like opportunity.

[June Diane Raphael]

I think it's similar to being a very small person in this world, a little person where you're more vulnerable when you're up there.

[Paul Scheer]

Wow.

[John Gabrus]

I feel like it's a kid whose dad didn't put him on his shoulders at a parade or something like that, so now he insists to never miss. No one will ever stand in front of me again.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Let me give you a counter argument.

[Paul Scheer]

I think.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I think these stilt fucks want to look down on us. I think they want to be up there looking down on us, thinking they're better than us, these fucking giants.

[John Gabrus]

I think, honestly, if a performer's on stilts and they see anyone in this room, they look at us and go, God, I wish my career was more in fucking line. Why am I a stilt knocker, for fuck's sake?

[Paul Scheer]

To me, stilts are the old. Are what hipsters are to people before us, because people on big bicycles and stuff like that. I just want to be seen as different and odd. I'm wearing stilts. I'm riding a big bicycle with one big wheel and one small. Like, I just want to be weird. I'm like. I'm like.

[John Gabrus]

I ride on a typewriter at the coffee shop.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I definitely think stilts.

[June Diane Raphael]

I think there's a performance art to what they do.

[Paul Scheer]

Well, then what? Why then? I think it would have been great that in the last fight, he would, like, bring me my stilts.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yeah.

[John Gabrus]

And then he fought on stilts.

[June Diane Raphael]

There was just so much more fun to be had with him on stilts. Fighting and jumping over things and using his stilts to.

[John Gabrus]

I mean, or seeing him.

[June Diane Raphael]

He hopped off of them so quickly.

[John Gabrus]

Or doing clowning or some sort of arbitrary scene when he's in Bangkok where he grabs two tent poles and kind of, like, improvise stilts. Like, nothing of that pays off. Or like a little kid is crying and clowns form.

[Jason Manzoukas]

None of his clown training comes into play.

[Paul Scheer]

He's not a good clown.

[John Gabrus]

But I think what we're supposed to believe from this movie is that the clown training set him up to be a pretty decent fighter. Cause he kind of, like, does parkour to get away from those guys.

[Jason Manzoukas]

This is what I think.

[John Gabrus]

And I'm like, this is fucking insane. Why can't we just show him fighting?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Like, here's what I think. I think, controversially, I think he is not a clown. I don't think he has clown training. I think that is the front he uses as a criminal mastermind of a children's gang.

[John Gabrus]

I'm kind of with you.

[Jason Manzoukas]

And that's why the cops know who he is, and that's why the mob knows who he is. They don't know him as the guy who's the clown. They know him as, like, a thief.

[John Gabrus]

No.

[Paul Scheer]

I would argue that they know him because it's so fucking obvious. Like, oh, yeah. We don't let the. The clown. Because he's the one always stealing from us. Like, you can't blend in.

[Jason Manzoukas]

It's arguably because he's the monster is, like, come work for me.

[June Diane Raphael]

I discredit the fact, though, that he did learn how to get on.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Right.

[John Gabrus]

That's what I was about to say. He still has the skill set regardless.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, yeah.

[Paul Scheer]

But I don't.

[John Gabrus]

That makes you both right. That he's. He's doing it under criminal auspices. But he does have the talent.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, yeah.

[John Gabrus]

And if he just knew. If he just knew that there were stilt fans in the World like you. He could have. He would have never had to fight in the tow.

[Jason Manzoukas]

It's one of those classic. You know, he. It's a classic con man, you know, like, he has the skills to exist in the real world successfully, but he'd rather use it for crime.

[John Gabrus]

Someone edit June into a scene in this movie, putting like $1,000 into a hat and going, a rich lady from New York in old New York.

[Paul Scheer]

I just come down to watch the poor people on stills. Here's a hay penny.

[John Gabrus]

So let's talk about the bar scene. That helps set up the main bad guy that he. Who's also the same bad guy from Lionheart that looks like Steve.

[Paul Scheer]

Yes.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, the Mongolian.

[Paul Scheer]

When she said that to me, I was like, he looks just like Steve Harvey.

[John Gabrus]

He has the worst facial hair known to man. Cause it's the ring.

[Paul Scheer]

Yes.

[John Gabrus]

Not the goatee, not the mustache. But when you do a mustache and then a line of hair, it's a second set of hair. Lips that go around your mouth.

[Paul Scheer]

And now you are Jean Claude Van Damme expert. So I'll ask you this. In Bloodsport, I believe that the guy he fought was deaf, because he was never really. He never really spoke. He just. Just kind of like vocalized as if he was going to say something, but no words came out. And this guy doesn't really speak at all.

[Jason Manzoukas]

This guy says nothing.

[John Gabrus]

I think this is more about casting based on looks than like or, like, oral abilities.

[Paul Scheer]

So, like, his voice could be like, hi.

[John Gabrus]

I did think they demonstrate that this guy's a badass by having him knock out Remar in one punch. Which I also think leads Maxi to go, I'm not fighting this fucking tournament.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I think Remar is like, I'm out. This movie for James, Remar's character is a real gut punch.

[John Gabrus]

He went back to business school. His character goes to business school.

[Jason Manzoukas]

At the end of this, he fucking is the heavyweight champion of the world. Travels to Tibet and gets his ass repeatedly handed to him, knocked out by

[John Gabrus]

a homeless clown and then knocked out by Genghis Khan.

[Paul Scheer]

Like a Moss play, by the way, this bad guy. This serves for a point to talk about some of the direction in this film. The slow mo is used to not great effect in this because that table, right, he breaks the table, but they do it in some slow mo. I would think that breaking a table in fast motion is way more engaging.

[June Diane Raphael]

Like, it's interesting you say that, because I felt that too. Like, when they cut to slo mo, the fighting looked worse.

[John Gabrus]

Oh, it's this is peak editing fighting. This is peak. Like, Bloodsport has it a lot. And you like. You know, like the Van Damme where he lands one kick, but the editing shows three of the same kicks in a row. And this is peak that where it's like it slows down at moments where there is no one is making contact with each other. And it's like when he does, like, the flip backwards and kicks the sand into the guy's face, I'm like, that is physically, literally impossible to do a flip with your feet from under the sand and get the sand to go horizontal into someone's eyes. But they show it in slow motion, and it looks like they cut away at the moment. That would be the thing you would want to show. They just show a guy getting ready to jump in slow motion, which is not something you want to see.

[June Diane Raphael]

Yeah, I felt like the slow mo was all gearing up.

[John Gabrus]

They had to slow mo that fist thing because they shot that slow. I feel like they just go, put your hand on the. The table.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Will.

[John Gabrus]

A prop guy will pull a rope and the whole thing because it shatters. And that doesn't shatter even. It crumbles. It like turns to powder. It's so obviously artificial.

[Paul Scheer]

Well, and it's like. And everything in this thing, it's like the fight, it is just like it is. It seems like when Bloodsport, they didn't use any doubles. Right. That was the whole argument. And. But here I feel like they probably used a lot of.

[John Gabrus]

Oh, yeah. I don't think James Remar is taking a punch from some random Mongolian.

[June Diane Raphael]

Quick question. Why do Roger Moore and Jack McGee want that reporter who we have talked about? Oh, the reporter come along for this ride.

[John Gabrus]

We haven't talked about this yet. Right. And I think it's because Roger Moore wants to bone her.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Can I ask a question? I have a real question.

[John Gabrus]

Finally.

[Jason Manzoukas]

What does she get from the news feed? The ticker tape?

[June Diane Raphael]

No idea.

[Jason Manzoukas]

She has, like, a prized possession that she's like, I have everything you need or whatever. And she's holding a piece of paper. Paper. And we never find out what was on it.

[John Gabrus]

I think I know what that is. I think that is like permission or bankroll from the newspaper, from her dad to cover this article. Which means the cost of the boat ride and all the other things. I think it's gonna get them.

[Jason Manzoukas]

She's financing this trip and is that

[June Diane Raphael]

why they're using her?

[John Gabrus]

They are using her, I think. Cause Roger Moore wants to have sex with her because she's beautiful. And that is a Jean Claude Van Damme trope. Right. Is that the first of all, a beautiful blonde horror. These movies destroy Bechdel. They annihilate the Bechd. There's only always only one woman, and she's a reporter. And in Bloodsport, she's a reporter who has to pretend to be a whore to get into something here.

[Paul Scheer]

She's a reporter who is like, you know, she's just again, just wandering Bangkok looking for a story.

[John Gabrus]

Yeah, the only doesn't even know about

[Paul Scheer]

again, like, why doesn't she know about this tournament? Why doesn't she, like, introduce this idea?

[Jason Manzoukas]

She has nothing going on.

[Paul Scheer]

And neither does her. And Jean Claude Van Damme.

[John Gabrus]

They're not even love interest.

[Jason Manzoukas]

They are not very low.

[Paul Scheer]

Last minute, where he puts his arm around her, I'm like, oh, they're together.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yeah. No, I don't think so.

[Paul Scheer]

They seem more together, the New York guy.

[Jason Manzoukas]

And Roger Moore seems to give up on her as well. Like I would have. Like the minute they get to. Well, that's the thing, is this movie has indiscriminate plot points all the way up until the last 45 minutes, which are just a man saying the names of two countries and then those two people fight.

[Paul Scheer]

Yes.

[Jason Manzoukas]

And that's all.

[John Gabrus]

That's all this movie needs to be. I listened to all the episodes of how this get made. And when. If I was. I know I need a job. If I was on the Street Fighter episode, I would have said that Street Fighter should have just been Bloodsport. Like, it should have just been like the video game where all the best characters just fight each other. It's a big tournament that there happens to be a guy named Blanka at.

[Paul Scheer]

But don't you think that that was the deficit of this movie? Because there's no breaks in this movie. And you're just like another fight with no stakes. And like, when is it gonna.

[John Gabrus]

Well, cause there's no one that could act in between scenes. Like in Bloodsport, they got Ogre that he can, like, deliver a line, at least in between. That's sort of interesting. This shit has nothing. What goes good with tonic. Don't say it, Gin. I told you not to say it.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yeah, and then the horse.

[Paul Scheer]

Yeah.

[Jason Manzoukas]

And the horse says something. He goes, oh, quiet you. I know.

[Paul Scheer]

That's why Roger Moore.

[June Diane Raphael]

I can't believe we were only on the semifinals when we were. I was.

[John Gabrus]

Oh, I know.

[June Diane Raphael]

We've been fighting forever.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Forever.

[John Gabrus]

They show every fight. That's the thing. They show every fight and. But every Fight is seven punches. Yes.

[June Diane Raphael]

Well, and here's the thing. You've already been introduced to the fighting styles of each country, and then they just mix and match everywhere.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yeah.

[Paul Scheer]

Now it's. Okay, now you see the winners.

[June Diane Raphael]

Well, we've seen all of these people.

[John Gabrus]

That's like Chekhov, sumo wrestler. You see him in the first act. Better fight by the end.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Exactly.

[John Gabrus]

But that's why you're going to this movie. Like, if you're going. That's why you saw Bloodsport. That's why you liked it. At least for me, growing up.

[Paul Scheer]

You wanna watch the fights.

[John Gabrus]

I was like, oh, monkey man versus sumo. Oh, the guy who does Muay Thai versus the guy who is arbitrarily Arab, you know?

[Paul Scheer]

Well, I had an issue about the monkey guy, the snake guy.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, dude, are you talking about the.

[John Gabrus]

In this movie. In this movie, it's China.

[Paul Scheer]

Yeah, China. Because it goes. First of all, the best line in the whole movie to me was, he's moving like an animal. More like a snake. Yeah, I said that. I kind of said that.

[John Gabrus]

An animal. And then in adr, in the next sequence, he goes. Now he's more of a monkey. It's like.

[Jason Manzoukas]

And then in the third one, he goes, tiger.

[Paul Scheer]

But to me, I said. I was like, I don't understand the mindset of this guy because it seems like he's also acting like a monkey, tiger and snake when he doesn't eat. Well, after the fact that he's won.

[Jason Manzoukas]

And. Well, before. Yeah, before and after.

[John Gabrus]

That's part of, like, the stereo to really, like. Because if this is a real fighting tournament that has any kind of semblance of rules, which it doesn't, you'd probably say, like, hey, you're not allowed to play the bongos while the capoeira guy fights.

[Paul Scheer]

Come on, like, everyone, bring your bongo.

[Jason Manzoukas]

You guys got backup musicians? Fine.

[John Gabrus]

Yeah. I would have a guy on an electric guitar just ripping it up and. Yeah, I would have Doof Warrior shooting. I'd be out there like, that's. If they had that in Bloodsport. That's what Jackson would have had. Would have had Leonard Skin Slash playing

[Jason Manzoukas]

welcome to the Jungle. That's what I would do. No, I wouldn't. I would for real, just tell Jordans, this is how we do it.

[John Gabrus]

Who is your favorite of all? Right, no full disclosure. I only. I can only get up to this game.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I would only fight. I will only fight and fuck Demontell. Jordan, this is how we do it.

[John Gabrus]

Who is your favorite? Who is your favorite of the fighters?

[Paul Scheer]

Well, to me, I'm gonna go just jump right in and say, the capoeira guy.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Love him.

[Paul Scheer]

Was amazing. And I called that, like, the epcot of fights because it was like, everyone was so, like, so I am my country. Like, this is when you go to the.

[John Gabrus]

What about the Scottish guys? And when the fight at the end and they cut to the audience, everyone is in their cliched outfits.

[Paul Scheer]

You're like, it's like, there's a Nazi guy with a Nazi helmet.

[John Gabrus]

He fights in jackboots and suspenders.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I now want to get to. That's a perfect segue. June, what did you think about what Jean Claude Van Damme wore to fight? Do you have any thoughts on what he was wearing?

[June Diane Raphael]

I'm trying to remember.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, interesting.

[John Gabrus]

He's wearing some serious touch.

[Jason Manzoukas]

He's wearing loose shorts, loose pants, shorts, sweat shorts. Like loose shorts, white socks and work boots.

[John Gabrus]

He's dressed like two very specific archetypes. 1980s bodybuilders and 1990s gay guys.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I was like, he is dressed like he scrunched up with blue Beethoven from like 10, 15 years ago. I was like, what is going on?

[John Gabrus]

And the bandana cartoon and the rope bandana.

[June Diane Raphael]

JCBD is a beautiful man. I think he's a gorgeous man.

[John Gabrus]

You're not gonna find anyone to disagree with.

[June Diane Raphael]

I thought he looked great in this movie. I thought he looked great in Bloodsport.

[John Gabrus]

My wife, I'm saying Tiffany. Like, everyone knows who she is. My wife walked in when I was watching this and she goes, is that Jean Claude Van Damme in the sequence on the boat when he has a beard? She's obviously into bearded dude and she goes, shit, he's really hot.

[Paul Scheer]

I liked him with the beard.

[John Gabrus]

He looked good with the beard.

[Paul Scheer]

He looked very Wolverine. He looked a little bit like Hugh Jackman back then.

[John Gabrus]

Yes, he did.

[Jason Manzoukas]

He also, in this era where you've got Seagal, Stallone, Schwarzenegger, all these, like, Dolph Lundgren, all these kind of A to C level action stars. He is genuinely leading man. Handsome, right?

[June Diane Raphael]

Oh, yeah. In a way that none of them are in Bloodsport. I was so upset to see him in so many splits.

[Paul Scheer]

Yeah, because you want him to keep

[Jason Manzoukas]

his chest because it's only ruining your lady boner forehead.

[June Diane Raphael]

I feel like you for half of the movie.

[John Gabrus]

I feel like you might be in the minority on that, to be honest. I don't want to speak for women,

[June Diane Raphael]

but I think ladies liked him in splits.

[Paul Scheer]

Oh, I think ladies like the splits in the bumps.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Here's the Thing. Let's get it out there. How did this get made, fans?

[Paul Scheer]

If you have an opinion, call us at 619-Paul-P A U L Ask A S K and you can leave a message. We can talk about.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Really?

[June Diane Raphael]

The question is not like, oh, is that cool that he's in or can do a split.

[John Gabrus]

Is it a turn on or a turn off? Turn on or turn off?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Turn on it. Yeah, yeah. Like, I want to see a forum party that really digs in on this.

[Paul Scheer]

I'll tell you what a real turn off is, and I want it to

[Jason Manzoukas]

be splits and buns.

[Paul Scheer]

All right, we'll go, guys. Bring it to the phone line. Bring it to the forums. The turn off literally was when the Kiltman got his balls literally turned.

[John Gabrus]

That's by Turkey. I rewound it three times to hear how the guy announced his country because I could not sort it out. And he's not a visible race. He's like a short tan dude with long. He's like a mini Manzoukas. And you're gone.

[Jason Manzoukas]

How dare you?

[June Diane Raphael]

The fuck.

[Jason Manzoukas]

How dare you? How dare you compare me to the Turks. By the way, that Turk gets taken up pretty quick. The Greek guy does. The Greek guy does. Okay.

[John Gabrus]

The Greek guy, by the way, who has got shoulder length blonde hair. This guy is a. He's a Venice surfer from Cyprus.

[Jason Manzoukas]

This guy's from fucking Cyprus.

[Paul Scheer]

And by the way, his move of serving people spanakopita until they collapse is really bizarre.

[June Diane Raphael]

By the way, though, the one question I did have about Jean Clark Claude's outfit is this is my problem with him being a representative of Muay Thai is like, is that what those guys were wearing?

[John Gabrus]

No, that's what's crazy is that's not what he's worn at all in the movie. No, he didn't wear it on the boat. He didn't wear it in New York.

[Paul Scheer]

He didn't.

[June Diane Raphael]

You know what it is reminiscent of, though, is the street urchins.

[John Gabrus]

He is dressed a little.

[June Diane Raphael]

Ultimately he's fighting for.

[John Gabrus]

Right? But he brought all that gear he brought. It's weird that he's not in Muay Thai outfit. He wears a Muay Thai Thai outfit in fucking bloodsport.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Well, he wears a Muay Thai outfit in the first round of fights before the Lost City, when he's fighting in the Muay Thai fight, when he's still owned by the Muay Thai island guys.

[Paul Scheer]

But sometimes when he's just chilling out, he's wearing a nice collared striped shirt, like a chambray Shirt to hang out.

[John Gabrus]

And look at the Van Damme's ability to rock a tucked in dress shirt is like unbeknownst to every movie features him with a tucked in, you know, like the 90s tuck where you pull

[Jason Manzoukas]

it out a little 25 pleats. His pants like his, like, it's like literally like 42 pleats across.

[John Gabrus]

Wouldn't they be graded like chompers?

[Paul Scheer]

Yes, if it's like one of those, like, like one of those fans where like his head so many pleats. But when he does a split, it becomes like a big image. Like it's like a real crane landing

[Jason Manzoukas]

in a sunset, basically, like, like MC Hammer.

[Paul Scheer]

I wanted to just bring up one thought to you guys. If it's a fight of the best fighters in the world, can we just, hey, we know that everyone here can kick someone in the balls and disable them. Can we just take that off the table? No ball kicking in the best fights in the world.

[June Diane Raphael]

Because I feel like, you bet it's a cheap move.

[Paul Scheer]

I think it's a cheap move. I feel like let's fight without the ball hits.

[John Gabrus]

I feel like in year 7000, assuming that's a millennial long tournament, that it's got to adapt. Like UFC was the, when it first started was like guys could walk in with boxing gloves and shoes on and fight a guy in a full gi. You know, and then eventually he was like, oh, let's just choke. Why isn't everyone just being choked to death in this fight? It's like, why am I gonna stand back and let a guy spin three times, kicking in the head when I can just hold him by his throat until he says like, mate or whatever? Yes, that's right. None of these fights make sense. It's like, of course you wanna make it good for movies. But everyone is show. Everyone's style is showmanship.

[Paul Scheer]

Everyone is doing a pre show for their actual fight and it's Ultraman. And then there's also.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Except for the Russian guy who just walks in and like gets his ass.

[John Gabrus]

Oh, he was, I thought he was gonna be the cool character too. I was like, I love this guy. Looks just like a. He looks like the worst dude to run into in Brighton beach and he's gonna beat the fuck out of you.

[Paul Scheer]

I also like the, the school field trip that was clearly at the show. Like they, they, at one point they cut to a group of kids like, hi, the Lost City kids. Like, all right, so tomorrow do your algebra. But tomorrow we go into the big fight.

[John Gabrus]

Like, everyone get your Permission slips in and grab your little juice boxes.

[Paul Scheer]

Go ahead.

[John Gabrus]

One thing is crazy is the guy that fought on the behalf of Spain.

[Paul Scheer]

Yeah.

[Jason Manzoukas]

He's not flamenco.

[John Gabrus]

He's got a belt on it. He's got a flag on his belt. Yeah, he's fighting. He's like the most Spanish you could be. But that's not the Spanish flag.

[Jason Manzoukas]

No. Oh, I don't know.

[John Gabrus]

It was not the Spanish flag because I remember that the Spanish flag was yellow. And I was like, this guy's got a different flag on. I looked it up. He's wearing an Albanian flag because the actor is from Albania. That just made it all the way through to the final cut. He's like.

[June Diane Raphael]

He's also wearing, like, slacks.

[John Gabrus]

Like, he's not wearing three guys fighting in dress pants and dress shoes.

[Jason Manzoukas]

And like. And like, jazz.

[John Gabrus]

They were like waiters a minute ago serving someone a drink, and they're like, oh, shit. I'm sorry. I'm from Siam.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I have to represent my country right now in a fight to the death.

[John Gabrus]

And everything is a country and then a continent is the one black dude.

[Jason Manzoukas]

It's like Africa.

[John Gabrus]

And he's like. He's like, literally like a voodoo priest. Like, please.

[Jason Manzoukas]

And he also has. Has drums. He's the other guy that has a backing gun.

[John Gabrus]

The two black guys have music, unfortunately, it's like a movie made in the 90s.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Impossibly racist.

[Paul Scheer]

The one thing I want to talk about, and it probably will not ring true to anybody but me, because I love this movie so much. But the stealing of the dragon at the end with the Nazi blimp is almost shot for shot identical to the Superman II breakout of Lex Luthor and Ned Beatty. They're in a Jack McGee can't get on the ladder. He almost gets on the ladder. He falls off the thing. And then Lex Luthor's like, see you later. I'm leaving. It's comically the same exact scene. And the plan is so terrible. Let's steal a blimp, hoist this thing. And a blimp is not gonna be able to lift.

[Jason Manzoukas]

And by the way, you're in a lost city. You gotta go. You have to go far.

[John Gabrus]

Also, you stole a Nazi blimp. Those guys, not forgiving.

[Jason Manzoukas]

And by the way, it's 1926. They're just getting up and running.

[John Gabrus]

But yeah, also you. You can make that any nationality. This movie takes place. It's a global movie. You can leave the Nazis out of the. Like, why does it have to be Nazis? This movie wasn't made in the 1990s.

[Paul Scheer]

That's like Indiana Jones said, man. Indiana Jones said the same thing.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I would have loved it if Indiana Jones had entered this movie.

[John Gabrus]

But at least in Indiana Jones, they're bad guys in this movie.

[Paul Scheer]

You're like. They're just kind of like.

[June Diane Raphael]

The weird thing about Roger MOORE and Jack McGee, though, why at this point, do they not think that Van Damme could win? Yeah. Why steal it at this point?

[Jason Manzoukas]

Yep.

[John Gabrus]

Right. Why don't we wait and see? There's a slight chance we get it for real.

[June Diane Raphael]

Are we. So are we to believe that every year this tournament happens and every year there's a golden horse that goes a.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I think it's a dragon.

[June Diane Raphael]

Sorry.

[John Gabrus]

But yes, you can. You can ride.

[June Diane Raphael]

Okay. And it goes.

[Jason Manzoukas]

First of all, that's like 100%. I know you fell a swing quote

[June Diane Raphael]

unquote, but doesn't go home with the winner every year.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, make sure that when June wants to take your kid for a horse ride, make sure that give a heads up.

[Paul Scheer]

Yeah, I'm very aware.

[John Gabrus]

But wait, no. June brings up a very valid point. Does that mean that there's been hundreds of years of this tournament? There's hundreds of giant golden dragons? Or does that guy always win?

[Paul Scheer]

They don't seem to give away the gold. I think the Golden Dragon is just like the full.

[Jason Manzoukas]

They make a deal. They make a deal so that they don't kill Roger Moore and Jack McGee.

[Paul Scheer]

Oh, that was the deal.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Van Damme says you can keep the Golden Dragon if I. You have to set us all free.

[John Gabrus]

But I think Genghis Khan is the local.

[Jason Manzoukas]

The Mongolian.

[John Gabrus]

Yeah, he's like the house champion, it feels like. And it feels like.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, really?

[John Gabrus]

That's what it feels like? Yeah, he's from the. Like, he's the lost city's representative. Even though he's dressed exactly like a barbarian from a video game. Yeah, that's what these movies are. Video games come to life. And that's why they have to do their little dance or something. Cause that's like their totally shout out. Yeah, like Chun Li's like takes the picture or whatever. You know, all that shit is so fun.

[Paul Scheer]

By the way, a great moment in this movie when they do take a picture with an old 1920s camera. A great moment to just have a still and make it black and white. But color picture, like, it was like. It's just like a small choice that could have made like. And frozen in time. Nope, color, color. Clearly we had an opinion about this movie, but there's some people out there that had a different opinion. It is now time for second opinions.

[John Gabrus]

I like second answer. Some people got them. That's crazy.

[Paul Scheer]

All right. These are five star reviews culled from Amazon. There are not many second opinions on this film. There are not many five star reviews, but there are two that are worth it. And here we go. This is from Ox Bigly and he

[John Gabrus]

writes Sounds like a bully from. I know.

[Paul Scheer]

He really does. Hey Ox Biglies.

[June Diane Raphael]

After me.

[Paul Scheer]

He's a little raspberry or something. I first saw this on Spanish TV and I was so aggravated I couldn't understand what was being said. But then I went to my video store and I rented it. Fantastic film. Although I do admit the plot could use a little work. But still an awesome movie. If you want to see how they should have done the Mortal Kombat film, get this dvd. Way better than the Street Fighter. Then again, I'm sure the Barney movie was better than that. Five stars.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Wow.

[John Gabrus]

Wow.

[Jason Manzoukas]

The Barney movie. Now this is takes a shot in that one.

[Paul Scheer]

For the first time ever, we have someone who's done a second opinion on another movie coming to do a second opinion on this movie. And this is the man. His name is Jason vine and he has created the Jean Claude Van Damme Review Matrix. We did this in the Bloodsport episode, so we will see how this stacks up. He's done this for Lionheart, Double Impact, Kickboxer, Universal Soldier, Nowhere To Run, Hard Target, Time Cop, and pretty much everyone. But here we go for the quest. Who is he? Christopher Dubois, whose story is too complicated for a one sentence breakdown.

[June Diane Raphael]

That's true.

[Paul Scheer]

Which family or friend must be avenged? No avenging needed. He's got kids to feed. Does he take his shirt off? The closest he gets is a tank top version of a thong, which is true. He doesn't go shirtless. Does he have sex with a C list actress? No sex. All business. Is there a tournament? Oh, yes, there is. Is training needed? Absolutely. And all the training takes place amidst the sweltering squalor of a Bangkok Muay Thai fighting world.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

But we don't see it.

[Paul Scheer]

We don't see it. Zayed saying, no, there is training, but we don't see it.

[John Gabrus]

It's all off camera.

[Paul Scheer]

Does he do splits in the training or in the tournament? No, it probably doesn't count. But after a vicious spin kick in the final battle, JCVD stretches a little in slow mo and it's not really a split shot, but he's saying it's kind of a split Shot.

[Jason Manzoukas]

No, it's not. I wish it was.

[Paul Scheer]

No, it's no splits. Does he punch someone in the balls? He delivers the reversed heel to the twins. Is it patented by Ric Flair? So he considers that a punch, but it's a kick.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Other people get punched in the balls.

[Paul Scheer]

So does he do a Series of flying or 3 success in slow mo? I guess he does. So is his enemy unbeatable after beating every previous opponent with little more than a stiff jab? The final enemy for JCVD is a Mongolian beast. Part Chong Li from Bloodsport and part Attila from Lionheart. Actually the same actor who played Attila. And does he overcome injury or any other hindrance? A rarity for jcvd. The entire tournament is on the level. Nothing goes wrong. Does he win? Not only does he win, but he delivers what is probably his best overall fight scene in his career.

[Jason Manzoukas]

What?

[Paul Scheer]

I don't think so.

[Jason Manzoukas]

That's not true at all.

[Paul Scheer]

Part of the fight is in a room that we are not led. We are not seeing.

[John Gabrus]

I did truly like that moment. I thought it was just a change of pace that that fight.

[June Diane Raphael]

I liked it.

[John Gabrus]

So also they had to go outside at that point because someone JCVD who's directing it must have been like, you know, every 60 minutes of this movie have been in this dark fucking warehouse. Why don't we spill out into the street? And then the fight, it's just one of those situations where it wraps up so fast you can never live up to the hype.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Well, first, he also just appears. The whole fight appears. Like for Jean Claude Van Damme, who is all about kicking, it really is all about punching in this movie. He just is repeatedly punching the guy in the face. Punch, punch, punch, punch, punch, punch, punch. And it's not very exciting.

[Paul Scheer]

Well, my favorite part of it is that they're fighting inside this house. And the house is like a long. Like a tractor house, like, almost like trailer a. And they move. The audience of the fight moves from left to right as they're going through the house. But the house is fully, like, covered, so they can't see. So just by like, I guess, grunts, they're moving like they're. It's like as if. If they could see it, they would move along. But they're just like, I guess he's over at this point.

[John Gabrus]

It reminds me of in Fargo season one, when Billy Bob goes into the building.

[June Diane Raphael]

Oh, yeah.

[Paul Scheer]

And you see it. Yeah.

[John Gabrus]

And you just kind of track it. They ripped off the quest. I'll say it.

[Paul Scheer]

Fucking Noah Hawley. Ripping off the quest once again.

[John Gabrus]

Yeah.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Cool, man.

[Paul Scheer]

So then the fight ends to no celebration at all.

[June Diane Raphael]

No, actually there's a somber mood that's like.

[John Gabrus]

Well, I think it's because all the people in the crowd are losers. They're previous people who lost the fight. Why are they sticking around? Who cares who wins at this point? Like when they cut to the crowd and it is the two Scottish guys, I'm like, why are they still here and they don't have a fucking a leg. They don't give a fuck which one of these guys wins.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Go home.

[John Gabrus]

Right?

[Paul Scheer]

And then start your journey home.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Like a three month journey to get home.

[John Gabrus]

Conservative.

[Paul Scheer]

By the time they get home. By the time they get home, they have to start the trip back to go to the next year's tournament.

[John Gabrus]

There's a monk waiting with the. Oh, you gotta be kidding. Hey, you're one of the best.

[Paul Scheer]

Let's play what I think is probably the best writing in the entire movie. The wrap up. All right, so now they're gonna go home. Here is jcvd's final voiceover.

[John Gabrus]

I didn't get the golden dragon, but I returned to New York like I promised. Cut the kids off the streets. In the end, we all did just fine.

[June Diane Raphael]

Well, how did he do that, though?

[John Gabrus]

Maxi trained many great fighters and became a big celebrity. Last I heard, Dubs and Harry opened the Trading Post deep in the Amazon.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Like, that's not John Cliff. It's his old man voice.

[Paul Scheer]

And then you reveal that he's. He's reading a book backwards because he closes the book on the first chapter.

[June Diane Raphael]

What really doesn't make sense though, is the book that was written by the female reporter, but in his voice.

[John Gabrus]

Yes, yes.

[Jason Manzoukas]

So the entire movie is a story being told by the female reporter. First person as the character that Jean Claude Van Damme is playing.

[John Gabrus]

That's not even. Why don't they show him. Go back to the kids.

[Paul Scheer]

They just did just fine. They didn't do great. They didn't have an amazing life.

[John Gabrus]

There's no way. 9. You leave for nine months and a group of street kids are. They've managed to make it.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Bunch of those kids are dead.

[Paul Scheer]

100.

[June Diane Raphael]

Well, here's my.

[Paul Scheer]

Just by looking.

[June Diane Raphael]

Here's the thing. He is coming back with no money.

[John Gabrus]

Right? That's what I'm saying. He comes back and he just has confidence. From winning to flying.

[June Diane Raphael]

He's kids off the street.

[Paul Scheer]

Well, maybe he sold that gold necklace.

[Jason Manzoukas]

And by the way, there's more street kids like he doesn't eradicate. Like street urchins.

[John Gabrus]

Yeah. He didn't end Homelessness.

[Jason Manzoukas]

As far as he's like, I won't. And then no kid was ever without the home.

[John Gabrus]

I want to say, I don't know what you're about to start.

[Paul Scheer]

No go. Sorry, but no.

[John Gabrus]

This movie has. I read the IMDb trivia for every movie I've ever seen. This movie has the best IMDb trivia.

[Paul Scheer]

I have some here, some notes.

[John Gabrus]

I'll tell you some from Recall that I remember reading. Not even. And I read it again today, but there's some I remember from when I was.

[Paul Scheer]

Let me, Let me throw some at you and you tell me if I miss any. The original director of this movie or the one that jcv. Anyone guesses? I mean, you know it.

[John Gabrus]

I know the answer. I'm not gonna say it.

[Paul Scheer]

Any guesses? Oliver stone.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Amazing.

[John Gabrus]

The IMDb trivia says JCVD asked Oliver Stone to direct this and he politely declined.

[Paul Scheer]

This is probably my. Well, there's two. I'm gonna read my second favorite.

[John Gabrus]

I think I know which ones you're gonna read.

[Paul Scheer]

The one. Well, the Jack McKee one.

[John Gabrus]

Yes, exactly.

[Paul Scheer]

But we'll end on the. This one is Tatum o' Neill claims in her autobiography that she was offered the female lead, but things fell apart after a romance with her and JCVD failed.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Whoa.

[June Diane Raphael]

So.

[John Gabrus]

And before you read the Jack McGee one, I just wanna say in the IMDb trivia, there's four trivia pieces that are all about how much Roger Moore hated this movie.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh.

[John Gabrus]

Like, it's like, it's like he was told. Yeah, he said it's. He said in his biography it's his least favorite movie he's ever been part of. He was told he was gonna get above the line billing and he didn't. There's like, it's like 11 straight complaints. He talks about it's the worst movie he's ever done.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Amazing.

[Paul Scheer]

Embarrassed by it. And just. If you wanna know more about this experience and the world of jcvd, you can check outfilm.com because there is now a rebuttal interview to last week's Frank Dukes interview. Cause Sheldon Lettich, who wrote Bloodsport and is involved in this world, read that article, got angered and now is rebutting

[John Gabrus]

also the writer of Lionheart, which is the better quest.

[Paul Scheer]

And Frank Dukes is very much involved in a big lawsuit here. Cause he, he claimed that he wrote this movie called the Enter the Dragon. It's a big deal.

[John Gabrus]

He won arbitration. Wga. Frank Duke's got story by credit on this movie but he didn't win the civil lawsuit that he's won.

[Paul Scheer]

Right? You lost the court case.

[John Gabrus]

I could talk to you about Frank Duke slash Count Dante for, like, hours. Are you guys familiar with Count Dante from the back of, like, Boys Life magazine?

[Paul Scheer]

No.

[John Gabrus]

He's a very similar to Frank Dukes type character who swears that he fought in all these. Like, he said he killed over 50 people in different kumites and then taught karate in Chicago and was part of what was called the dojo wars where he got. He got arrested for setting up explosives at a rival dojos. And that's all real.

[Paul Scheer]

This is insane. I love it. This world is amazing.

[John Gabrus]

Search Count Dante and Frank Dukes and Wikipedia and have a fucking great afternoon.

[Paul Scheer]

Why don't I have you present the last fact, which is the best fact.

[John Gabrus]

So there's this piece of trivia that just says, Jack McGee was known to pass wind, parentheses, fart after every take. And everyone laughed at it except Jean Claude Van Damme, who hated it.

[Paul Scheer]

Like that energy to me makes me. Me laugh more than any after every take.

[John Gabrus]

That's just the most disgusting person alive. But that's fucked up.

[Paul Scheer]

Well, we. We have worked with Jack. He's the best.

[John Gabrus]

He's the guy from McCarthy. He's the dad from McCarthy's.

[Paul Scheer]

He's the dad from McCarthy'S. He's actually in a party over this party over here sketch. He's great.

[John Gabrus]

I like that guy. He's great in the movie.

[Paul Scheer]

The fact that I think he's probably like, fuck this movie.

[John Gabrus]

Exactly. He's 100%. Him and Roger Moore are sitting there on the boat going, how the fuck did we get involved in this?

[Paul Scheer]

I'm gonna email Jack and find out if he farted in this thing. I don't want to say it if it wasn't true, but we have said it now. We have said it.

[John Gabrus]

IMDb said it. So we're quoting somebody.

[Paul Scheer]

And I'll leave you with this. Before we get into plugs, Jean Claude Van Damme's definition of the movie. This movie is about a dream, but also adventure. It is epic, has many faces, many corners. It is the shape of a diamond.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Oh, boy.

[Paul Scheer]

And that is my definition of the class.

[John Gabrus]

Wow.

[June Diane Raphael]

The shape of a diamond.

[Jason Manzoukas]

Many faces and many corners.

[John Gabrus]

I don't think he's seen a movie, nor a diamond.

[Paul Scheer]

No. Well, I'm so glad that you're here, John. What do you mean? What would you like to plug right now?

[John Gabrus]

I guess the only thing I would have to plug is check out my podcast search High and Mighty on itunes. And if you're a fan of I have done some action movie.

[Paul Scheer]

You have a very extensive Bloodsport episode.

[John Gabrus]

I have a Bloodsport episode. A. I've done some other action movies and stuff I've actually tried to avoid overlap with. How did this get made?

[Paul Scheer]

Oh, very nice.

[John Gabrus]

Thank you so. Cause we passed on doing Cobra. Okay. In honor of you guys.

[Jason Manzoukas]

More than welcome.

[John Gabrus]

We've done two Seagal movies and plenty,

[Jason Manzoukas]

Plenty of room for people talking about movies that they love. So you go right ahead.

[John Gabrus]

So check out High and Mighty. And if you're a fan of the TV show Banshee, I'm actually starting, like, a weird side project where I'm doing, like, recap and interview episodes about Banshee.

[Paul Scheer]

I cannot wait.

[John Gabrus]

And I have nothing to do with that show other than I'm a fan.

[Paul Scheer]

I can't wait to watch that show. I've heard it's so great. Jason.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I got nothing.

[Paul Scheer]

June.

[June Diane Raphael]

I'll plug the second season of Grace and Frankie, which comes out on May 6th on Netflix. And also a movie that I saw recently and I love and I think might still be out in the theaters, the Bronze, starring Melissa Rauch.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Oh, yeah, the Bronze.

[June Diane Raphael]

Hilarious.

[Paul Scheer]

Well, I'll give a big thank you to everybody here at Earwolf. Avril Halley for pulling all these clips. Nick Kiley for doing all of his research. Marisa Zeitz for all the help. Liana Waldron for designing Amazing. And everybody, Ryan, our engineer. Thank you so much. Thank you guys so much for coming. Bye.

[John Gabrus]

Bye. Hi, I'm Jenny Slate, and believe it or not, someone is allowing us to have a podcast. I'm Gabe Liedman. I'm Max Silvestri and we've been friends for 20 years. And we like to reach out to kind of get advice on how to live our lives. It's called I need you guys. Should I give my baby fresh vegetables? Can I drink the water at the hospital?

[Paul Scheer]

My landlord plays the trombone and I can't ask him to stop.

[John Gabrus]

You should make sure that you subscribe so that you never miss an episode.

[Jason Manzoukas]

I need to go.

[John Gabrus]

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[Paul Scheer]

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[John Gabrus]

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[Paul Scheer]

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[John Gabrus]

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