Transcript
Connell Barrett (0:00)
Excuse me, I just saw you and I had to come meet you or else I'm going to have to join the monastery. You're my last chance. It's either you or an inflatable woman, so fingers crossed. Welcome to the how to Get a Girlfriend podcast. I'm your host, dating coach, Connell Barrett. And. And before we get to the interview you're about to listen to with Lisa Hickey from the Good Men Project. It's a great conversation. Lisa really knows women and men. So we've got so many great tips coming your way. And as I listened back to the recording, I realized so many of them were about hidden mistakes that you and many men are making in their dating life that they don't even realize they're making. And there's going to be a lot of great tips in the conversation I had with Lisa. But I wanted to start the episode by giving you four of the most common mistakes that men make that are killing their dating success and they don't realize they're doing it. So here we go. In no particular order, here are my top four or four of my top four. And then Lisa's going to have a lot more and stick around because at the very end of my interview with Lisa, she mentions the single biggest myth and mistake that single men make. And I really do think it's going to melt your brain in a good way. And that's coming right at the very end of the episode with about two or three minutes left to go. So feel free to fast forward to the very end if you want to, if you don't have much time. But if you have time to hang with me, let me give you four of the biggest mistakes that men make that I've seen men make in my 12 years as a dating coach and my, frankly, my 20 years working on my dating life. And the first one is trying too hard to impress women. And the solution is you want to express, not try to impress. Here's a quick story to demonstrate this. I was once on a rooftop bar in Los Angeles, a really cool venue called eplp. And I'm with a brand new client at the time, guy named Jason. And Jason is a very well to do, successful plastic surgeon in la. And it was our first night out together. And one of the things I do as a coach is I take my clients out to cool venues, lounges, bars, and I help them approach women. I give them tips, I give them feedback. And that's what Jason and I were doing this night. So we walk into this cool rooftop bar Quite literally in the shadow of the Hollywood Hills. Beautiful women everywhere. It's a great venue. And I say, all right, Jason, show me your stuff. What do you got? And he walks up to two women. Gorgeous, thin, stylish, LA beauties. And I just said, yeah, let me watch and observe. He walks up to these two women and he takes out. He doesn't say anything right away. He takes out his business card, a black and gold business card. He hands it to the two women and he says, hey, I'm a plastic surgeon. A Beverly Hills plastic surgeon. And he hands them his card. And the women were confused. They were. They were one. One of them put her hand up to her nose, self consciously. They looked at each other like, what is going on here? Almost like they thought he was trying to get business, but he was trying to impress them. And then they realized. They gave themselves a kind of a chagrined, embarrassed look, and they realized, oh, my God, this guy. This is his pickup line, his business card. And they basically said, nice meeting you. Which is polite woman code for, we're not interested, dude. And they walked away. And I took him aside and I said, don't do that. Don't try to impress women. Bottom line is one of the biggest mistakes men make is trying to show off their status or their money or trying too hard to impress a woman. And by trying to do that, you usually accidentally lower your stature in a woman's eyes. Because if you're trying to impress her with money or your Lamborghini or your cool job or something that you think is going to be impressive, that's going to come off as try hard. It's almost like you're overcompensating for not being attractive enough and in her league, so you're trying to make up for it. And I did this so many times myself back in the day. I used to try to make women think I was somebody I'm not. And I would talk about, oh, yeah, so I'm into. I'm into scuba diving. And I do all these, you know, adventurous activities outside. Total bullshit. I was lying because I wanted to impress them and it never worked. So big mistake number one is trying too hard to impress a woman. And the fix for this is to express, don't impress. Express what I call man to woman communication. Basically express that true, real, most authentic side of you and essentially give her good emotions, make her giggle, make her laugh, or make her be into the real you or try to, rather than trying to impress her. There is nothing more impressive than a woman than A guy who is expressive and holding her interest because he's sharing his real, true personality, his sense of humor, his vulnerability. So basically, be authentic. Here's another second big mistake men make. It's not flirting with a woman out of fear that she's going to think you're creepy. Have you ever wanted to kiss a woman on the first date? Or forget about kissing. Have you ever wanted to give a woman a compliment or make some kind of flirtatious move or say or do something flirty, but you didn't do it because you thought, oh, don't be creepy, don't be weird. Well, that's a mistake. It's your job as a man to make moves in dating. Dating is a dance. Dating is a dance. And our job as men is to lead that dance. And a woman's job is to say yes or no. Either way is fine, but we want to lead that dance. So don't make the mistake of not flirting with women or waiting for 14 signals from her before you feel like you have the green light to flirt with her. You want to be the one to flirt first. You want to be the one to lead that dance. So here's a quick solution to help you do that. The next date you have or the next woman you talk to out in the real world, you know, like in a social setting, don't do this at work, but do this in the bar. Or do this the next time you chat up a woman out, you know, at the gym or your favorite coffee shop. I want you to give her a compliment about something you notice about her as a person that's not about her body or her measurements. As attractive and lovely as her body and measurements might be, find out something about her that you find charming and tell her. And use the word charming. You could say, you know what's really charming about you? It's the way you. I'm just. I don't know, it's the way you giggle and laugh when you ask a question, or it's the way you look up to the right and bite your lip when you're thinking. It's so charming when you do that and smile when you say it. So that's a little small, little flirting move. The charming compliment. It's very gentlemanly, and it's not gonna. There's nothing creepy about it. And big picture, the aha moment I want you to have here is realizing that, you know, it's. It's not creepy to flirt with a woman. It's not creepy to let a woman know you find her interesting and attractive and that you want a date with her or that you're attracted to her. There's nothing creepy about that. What is creepy is only making it about a woman's body or looks. That's creepy or can be creepy because it makes her an object, and that's no good. And the other thing that's creepy is a guy who goes on a date with a woman or who likes a woman, and he doesn't flirt at all. He just treats her like a friend. That's pretty creepy. Hiding your feelings, hiding your interest out of fear. I'm not saying you are a creep. Quite the opposite. I know you're a great guy. I know you're a gentleman. I know you're a sweetheart, because I'm all those things too. And if you're listening to this, it's probably because you resonate with what I'm about. But a woman's going to mistake not making moves for. For creepy. So it's. It's way creepier to. To want to make a move and not do it than to flirt and make some move. Okay, here's a third mistake men make, which is being indecisive on dates, not leading on dates. Being indecisive. Be a man with a plan. Plan the date, Come up with the idea for the first date, suggest the when, the where, the what, and of course, get her sign off on it. But you, you're the one who leads that dance, as opposed to, you know, never ever say these words, never ever say to a woman. So what do you want to do? Or at least don't. I'm not saying don't get her input, but don't leave it to her to plan it. You're the man. Be a man with a plan. Women love decisive men. Women. Okay. And I think the fourth and final mistake I want to talk about right now is. Yeah, it's the big one, actually. It's kind of what this whole podcast is about, which is not being real. Not being your genuine, real, authentic self. Putting on a mask with women. The most common one would be playing it cool or pretending to be extra, extra nice and supplicating. Nothing wrong with being nice, by the way, but we don't want to be supplicating on a date. You don't want to put on a fake mask of, like, everything she says is amazing and perfect and, oh, my God, I hope she likes me. That's not authentic. It's also not authentic to wear some fake alpha male mask. Don't wear that mask, it's also not authentic to hide your true self. And playing it safe is also inauthentic. So I think the biggest mistake that men make is just putting on some kind of a mask. The mask I used to put on back in the day was I'm nice, funny, Connell, but don't flirt. That's creepy. Don't take chances. Don't say something that's gonna. She might not like. And it was only when I made a big shift toward being what I call radically authentic. Authentic. When I let my smart ass side come out and my sweetheart side and my nerdy side. It wasn't until I really learned how to channel the real me that women started to really, really fall for me. So that's the. The fourth and biggest mistake I think men make is being inauthentic, wearing a mask, not showing their true best selves to women. Because don't forget, your most authentic self is you at your most attractive. And women want to meet that version of you. Okay, those are my four big mistakes men make and the solutions for each of those mistakes. And now let's talk to Lisa Hickey of the Good Men Project. And don't forget, stick around to the very end of the episode, because Lisa is going to share her the biggest. The biggest mistake that men make that the fifth of our five big mistakes men make that you might be making. So enjoy. Lisa Hickey, thanks for listening. Hey, welcome back to the how to Get a Girlfriend podcast. I am your host, dating coach Connell Barrett. I'm here to help you learn to flirt, get a great girlfriend, and do it by being authentic. No sketchy pickup artist moves needed. And today, I am really thrilled to welcome an extraordinary guest. Her name is Lisa Hickey. Lisa is the founder of the Good Men Project, and under her leadership, the Goodman Project has reached over 3 million unique visitors every single month. And the Goodman Project leads a global community that is dedicated to exploring modern masculinity. And through her work, Lisa empowers men, especially single men, to grow, to learn to navigate the rocky waters of dating and relationships, and to do it with integrity and purpose and authenticity. And as a friend to women and her efforts, I'm just such a fan of her efforts. They illuminate what it really means to be a man in today's world. So, Lisa, your insights are really helping men today. Thank you so much. It's an honor to have you here.