← How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett
How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett
27 Flirting Tips in 27 Minutes! Go from the Friend Zone to the First Kiss—FAST
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Not knowing how to flirt with women can leave you awkwardly fumbling your words. Dating coach and bestselling author Connell Barrett has fast, field-tested fixes! In just 27 minutes, he shares 27 practical flirting tips to help you confidently make...
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Connell Barrett
If you look up the word flirtatious in Webster's, it actually says, quote, playing at love. That's what flirting is. Flirting is play. Welcome back to the how to Get a Girlfriend podcast. I'm your host, dating coach Connell Barrett. I am here to help you flirt confidently with women, get more dates, and get a great girlfriend. And do it all by being authentic. No sketchy pickup artist moves here. This is about attracting women with integrity and authenticity and vulnerability and not some weird pickup artist bs. And today's a really cool episode because you're about to get 27 flirting tips in 27 minutes or less. Why? Well, I just had a birthday and life is short. Life is shorter than Danny DeVito. And I feel like a podcast can be nice and short as well and give you a lot of great advice in a short space. A podcast episode doesn't have to be longer than a Christopher Nolan movie. So let's get to it. Here are 27 flirting tips in 27 minutes. Because I want to help you stop overthinking and not freeze up when you want to approach a woman or you're not sure what to say to a woman on a date. Or maybe you just don't know how to flirt without coming off as, quote, creepy or weird. Today's your crash course. Here we go. 27 flirting tips in 27 minutes or less. Start the clock right now. Not literally. Here we go. Tip number one. The most important tip of all in my book, convey the real you. When you meet a woman, give her a radically authentic approach opener. This is my favorite way to approach a woman. When you see a woman you want to approach and talk to, skip the canned lines, be what I call radically authentic. Lead with vulnerability. Say something true, something simple and something G rated about what you're actually feeling. Even if it's a little bit scary. Actually, especially if it's a little bit scary. The first time I ever did this, I'm on a rooftop bar. I see a beautiful woman in a silver dress. I approach her. I'm so nervous. I'm so scared. I walk over and I say, hey, excuse me, but I just had to meet you. I'm actually really shy. I'm shy, but I had to come say hi to you. I'm Connell. And her face lit up and she said, oh, yeah, right, you're real shy. Hi, I'm Amy. And she was into it. She thought it was a line. It wasn't a line. It was me being radically authentic. Because when you approach a woman and you say the honest Real thing. It shows her that you actually have belief in yourself, even if you're nervous. So approach with radical authenticity. And if you are a nervous shy guy, use that. Say, hey, excuse me, I'm really shy, but I had to meet you. You seem like you might be my type. It is so powerful because it's vulnerable and it's real. Okay, tip number two, Be playful on first dates by playing fun games. I don't like to play games on first dates in the game playing sense. You know, manipulation, all that bs. But I love to play games on first dates, actual games. So on a first date, do a staring contest with her. Play two truths and a lie. Challenge her to a thumb war. If I could boil down what flirting is into one word. It's play. That's all it is. It's a man and a woman playing together. If you look up the word flirtatious in Webster's, it actually says, quote, playing at love. That's what flirting is. Flirting is play. And so, yeah, be playful on first dates. Play games. Get to know you. Games, two truths and a lie. I love playing a game. Or I once played a game on a first date where I said, okay, nobody can ask any questions. We can only make statements for three minutes. Every time she asked me a question, I would go, eh, you lose. And it became very fun and playful. So play games on first dates. Tip number three, Flirt. Don't fawn if she's very physically attractive. Don't fall all over yourself and tell a woman who's very attractive, oh, my God, you're so gorgeous. You're so amazing. I can't believe you're so beautiful. You might feel that way, and I do respect the honesty, and it might be authentic, but you want to be aware of coming off as fawning. Women want a guy to flirt, not to fawn. Fawning is gushing over how amazing and incredible she is, and that can sort of lower your status in her eyes. Flirting or one of the ways we flirt is. Is let her know that her beauty is affecting you, but in a grounded way. So, for example, let's say on a date, you just find yourself getting really distracted by her lips and her lipstick as she's talking to you. She finishes a story, she finishes what she's saying, and you might say to her, oh, I'm sorry, could you repeat that? I totally missed what you said. I was so distracted by your lips. Say that again, please. Maybe add a cheeky smile. Boom. That's showing that her beauty is affecting you. And that's attractive to women because it makes her feel sexy and she's having an effect on you. But you're not fawning over her like she's, you know, she's some supermodel and you're one of her fans. You don't want to come off that way. Okay, tip number four is use courage to show clear romantic interest. Especially on a date or when you approach. You can and should use clear, romantic, clear, simple language. Let a woman know that you like her. Let a woman know that she's pretty or that she is smart or witty. On my first date with my now girlfriend Jess, I was so blown away by how witty and funny she is that I said, by the way, you know what's really, really attractive and charming about you? I think I even said sexy is I said, you're so quick witted, you're so clever and funny and it really is impressive. And I'm not easily impressed. So show that clear interest and don't be afraid. Well, don't be afraid. It's okay to be afraid. Don't let fear stop you from showing that clear interest. Courage is like a superpower and it allows you to say the truthful thing to a woman. It could be as simple as you see a woman you want to approach and you just, you walk up and say, hey, I just saw you and you seem like you might be my type and I wanted to meet you. Hi, I'm name. So use that courage to show clear romantic interest. The first rule of flirting is clarity. Let her know you're interested. It's not thirsty for a man to show his interest. It's a man putting a romantic card on the table. There is nothing wrong with that. Okay, tip number five is use flirtatious misinterpretation. This is one of my favorite flirting moves where you misinterpret something innocent that she says as a sign that she is trying to seduce you. So for example, maybe you're on a date and she says, oh, I just redid my bedroom. He might say, whoa, whoa, I'm not going home with you tonight, I barely know you. Right? Or if she says before a date, hey, I'm wearing my heels tonight, I wanted to dress up. You might text her, oh my God, you're dressing up just for me. I'm flattered, but hey, you're laying it on really thick. So feel free to misinterpret things she says in a playful way. Again, we're not making this an actual accusation. You're playing with her and misinterpret things she says in a way that is about how into into you she is. Okay, tip number six. Be physically expressive the right way, not the creepy way. What does that mean? Well, on a date, or it could be well into an approach, you are absolutely allowed to touch a woman as long as you do it the right way. Which means light touches early on, like a high five or a fist bump, maybe a tap on her shoulder as you're expressing yourself. And then as you might advance deeper into say a date, you might take her hand momentarily and comment on a piece of jewelry she's wearing, the ring, the bracelet she's wearing, which gives you a reason to take her hand for a few seconds and then give it back to her. So the secret to non creepy physical expressiveness is to have a reason for the touch. Just give her a reason for the touch as opposed to just randomly touching her and having your arm on her lower back for no reason. That's creepy and weird. So have a reason for the touch. You struggle with dating, right? Sure you have a good job and cool friends, but you just aren't sure how to flirt. The apps don't work for you and sometimes women put you in the friend zone. It's frustrating. Hey, I struggled with dating too. As an introvert and a total nerd. I didn't just live in the friend zone, I owned real estate there. But I escaped using the dating philosophy of Radical Authenticity which I've used to help thousands of men in 17 countries find love. It's what I wrote about in my best selling book Dating Sucks, but yout Don't. And Radical Authenticity is why Psychology Today called me the best dating coach in America. And now I want to personally help you attract your dream girlfriend. So go to datingtransformation.com and book a free call with me. On our call, I'll tell you how my one on one coaching will help you find your dream girlfriend. And you'll be doing it by flirting with confidence and authenticity. No creepy pickup tricks needed. So go to datingtransformation.com, book a free call today and let my personalized coaching help you get a great girlfriend. Okay, tip number seven if you're not sure what to say when you want to approach a woman, here is a multiple choice opener and this is great if you're shy or introverted, this is a rejection proof approaching strategy for introverts. When you see a woman out in the world, instead of asking yourself what do I say? Instead, give yourself three multiple choice Options A, B or C. Option A is a G rated compliment. Like, that's a really cool tattoo. I love that design. Option B is you ask her a question that makes sense given where you are. If you're in the coffee shop, you might say, hey, so what are you thinking about getting today? Iced coffee or hot coffee? And option C is you make an observational comment. You might see that she's got her yoga mat in her under her arm, and you say, hey, how was your workout today? What was the coolest yoga pose you did today? Because you observe something and you make a comment about it. So those are three great choices. If you're not sure what to say and you don't want to walk up and say something romantically direct, walk up and go with a B, C compliment, question or an observational remark. Okay, tip number eight is obey the rule of the first kiss, which is this. You will never lose a woman's interest in you if you go for a first kiss and she turns the cheek. But you will lose a woman's interest in you on a date if you want to go for the first kiss but you choose not to because you're playing it safe, you're being timid, you're afraid you're going to be weird or creepy, and then you don't even try. That's going to get you in the friend zone with a lot of women because if you go for a kiss and don't get it, at least you're showing her that you have the courage to try. And women like that. But if you don't try and you consistently don't try, you're basically saying, please put me in the friend zone. I am not, quote, man enough for you, so obey that first rule. Okay, tip number nine. Speaking of the first kiss, I call this the kiss bridge. What is the kiss bridge? It's a really smooth way to go for that first kiss on a date. It's a verbal bridge that allows you to take something from her language, a word or two, she said, and use that as a way to move in for the kiss. Here's how it works in practice. Let's say she's talking to you about a new hobby she has. Let's say she says to you she just took up skiing and she loves skiing. And you might then say to her, oh, oh, well, you know what happens to women who, who love skiing, right? And she'll say, what? And then you say they get kissed and then you move in to lock lips. So you're taking a few words from what she just said. And you're using it as a bridge to have the transition into that first kiss make sense to her. This gives her clarity that you're going for the first kiss, and it allows you to make it feel smooth and not surprising to her. And it works really well. So try the kiss bridge again. You're listening for what she's saying to you, and you listen for three or four words. So let's say she's a foodie. She's talking about all the restaurants she loves. And you might say, well, you know what happens to foodies who love to try new restaurants, right? What? They get kissed. And then you're moving in. As you say, they get kissed. Works really well. Okay, flirting tip number 10. This is so simple, but so powerful. Take risks. Understand the paradox of dating. There's a paradox here. What you think is safe and risky. I'm sorry, what you think is safe is actually risky. And what you think is risky is actually safe. So we need to make moves as men in dating. You need to make some moves at some points. It's just part of how dating works. So a committed move that feels risky, like that first kiss or that approach, it feels really scary, right? But that's. That means you're doing the right thing because you're committing to it and you're going for that move. And that's what we have to do as men. So if you feel that you're doing something risky, it's actually safe because you're doing the safe, smart thing. However, on the flip side, you might be tempted to play it safe, walk on eggshells, not pay a woman a compliment. Not go for that approach. And that makes you feel comfortable and safe in the moment. But that's very risky because you risk the chance of never making a move, never approaching, never going for that kiss. And women lose interest. Okay, tip number 11. Flirting tip number 11. Make her the seducer or make her the one who's hitting on you. This is a fun little script flip. Imagine you're on a date talking to a woman, and she looks down at your shirt. She says, oh, my God, I really like that shirt. She looks at your chest. You say, excuse me, my eyes are up here. Please don't treat me like a piece of meat, okay? And you smile. It's a joke. You're not letting her. Making her think you actually feel that way. And that's fun to put her in the role of seducing you. You. A lot of women really like it. Tip number 12. Is use the push pull old school move from back in the day. This is where you give a woman a compliment combined with a tease. A light, playful tease combined with a compliment. Now, the best versions of these are organic and in the moment, but here's a good all purpose one that you can use that I'd used on my first date, but with my girlfriend Jess. I said to her, you're either the coolest girl I've met in a long time on the apps or the weirdest. I'm just not sure which one you are. And she laughed and said, oh, I'm definitely one of the weird ones. And there's something about giving women both a compliment and a tease combined into one phrase that creates a fun emotional combination. It's like a Reese's cup chocolate peanut butter taste really good together, right? A compliment plus a playful tease can feel real really good to a woman and make her giggle. All right, flirting tip number 13. Project Confident vocal tonality. Your voice announces your confidence before your your actual words do so wherever you are. First date on an approach out socializing. You're at a party. Make sure your voice is projecting a confident vibe. And here's a way to check in with it. Notice the baseline noise level of whatever environment you're in, whether it's a party or a club or a bar or a work event. And just notice how loud the baseline is. You want to be 3% louder than the average baseline noise level. This announces your confidence to people in general and women in particular in a very elemental gut way. And you want your voice to be calm, rich and resonant, but not yelling or shrieking. Okay, nice and projected. So 3% louder than everybody else's being in that room. Okay, flirting tip number 14. Give her a power compliment. Don't be like every other guy who says you're hot. Or don't be like the other version, the other extreme version, which is never complimenting a woman because you think it's creepy. It's not creepy. Tell a woman why you think she's charming and come up with a reason that is not about her looks. Maybe you're on a date and you find her laugh so charming. Tell her that. Hey, you know what? You have the most charming laugh. It's very attractive. Or maybe there's a trait about her. Her wit, her humor, her heart. Tell her how attractive you find her because of that internal reason. You're not making it about her looks. You're making it about the beautiful woman inside. And that is absolutely stunning to women. That's so rare. It puts you in the top 1% of men. Okay, flirting tip number 15. Use her favorite word, which is her first name. Everybody's favorite word is their first name. So use her first name a lot. When you're texting, when you're talking on a first date, and if you just met a woman or if you're on that first date and you're getting to know her, ask her this question. Ask her, hey, what's the story behind your first name? How are you named? I once asked a woman, Faith, the story behind her first name. I thought she was going to say, oh, my parents are into the Bible, or they're very religious. She said, no, her parents are big George Michael fans. She was named after the George Michael song Faith. And I laughed and said, oh, man. Well, you could have been named I Want yout Sex. Could have been. Could have been way different. So use her name a lot and ask her about her name. It's her favorite word. She'll wanna talk about it. Flirting tip number 16. Here's how you get great at texting. Use my simple texting formula, which is give, give, give, ask. Most of your text messages should give value of some kind. Value just means it makes her smile, or at least you're seeking to make her smile. So most of your text messages should be something that you know, like a joke. She might laugh at a question that she cares about the topic. Asking her a good question, not, how's your day? But what was the most delicious thing you had to eat this weekend? If you know she's a foodie asking to send you, or asking for an update on her cat or her dog. If, you know, she loves if she has a cat or dog. Basically, you want most of your text messages to give value. And then every so often, you ask for what you want. You give, give, give so that you can ask for what you want, which is usually going to be the date. Okay, tip number 17 is stand tall and look a woman right in the eye. Especially when you approach. When you approach a woman, you want to make great eye contact and stand tall. I approached a gorgeous woman once at Whole Foods. My opener was pretty funny and witty, and I thought that's what she liked about it. I asked, I asked her on our first date, hey, what did you like about my approach? Thinking she was going to tell me how funny and clever I am. And she said, I liked how you stood up nice and tall and looked me right in the eye. Boom. That's how I got the date. Okay, tip number 18. Change her mood, not her mind. If a date is feeling flat or a group of text or if a woman, if texting starts to get flat with a woman, or let's say a woman says, hey, you know what, I'm not going to be able to meet up with you. I'm really not looking to date right now. It might be tempting to try to change her mind. Say, hey, why not? I thought you liked me. Why don't you want to go out with me? That's not a good strategy. What you can do though is change her mood. You can crack a joke. You might say, oh, you're not, you're not looking to date right now. Well, that's okay. I guess I'll just keep seeing this inflatable woman I've been having a fling with. So. No, don't worry, I'll be fine. I'm just going to return your engagement ring. Don't worry. You might start making her laugh so much that she'll change her her mind about dating you. But not because you're speaking to her logical mind. It works because you're speaking to her her emotional mind. So in general in dating, try to change her mood, not her mind. Okay, flirting tip number 19. Here's a great text to send the day after a first date. Text her this. Hey, last night was fantastic. I'm curious, do you have a Yelp page? Because I want to leave you a five star review for last night. Use humor. Use playful jokes. That's a great text message to send the day after a first date. Flirting tip number 20. This is about how to approach groups. Here's how to approach a group at a bar, at a lounge. If it's, if it's three or more women, then approach them all as one. Think of them like a three or four headed woman. Walk up and talk to all of them. Hey ladies, how's your night going? I love your style. Treat it like it's one woman, three or four women. If it's like five or more, then just approach the woman from the group who you're most interested in. Five or more is too many to approach as one. So if it's like three or four, then approach them as almost like as one woman. And if it's five or more, just literally approach the one woman you're interested in talking to. That's how you approach groups. Okay, flirting tip number 21. Don't use pickup lines. Use the anti pickup line. So forget cheesy one liners. Be bold by being direct and Vulnerable this way kind of cut through the BS of what other guys are doing. So my client Charlie recently walked up to a woman on my advice, and he said to her, hey, I hate pickup lines. I just wanted to say hi to you. I'm Charlie. What's your name? And she loved it. She was just like, wow, that was so confident. I love that you said that to me. She gave him instant good feedback before she gave him her phone number. So that's a great way to approach a woman. Don't use a pickup line. Use an anti pickup line. Tell her that you hate pickup lines and that here's my pickup line. Hi, I'm Chris, or whatever your name is. All right, flirtatious. Tip number 22 on dates. Ask her the time travel question. It's a really fun first date question. You might say, okay, if you and I could time travel anywhere, forward or backward, where would we go and when would we go? You could say, this really sparks her imagination. It creates a shared fun fantasy, and it breaks you out of small talk land. Okay. It's fun, it's deep. It's a little bit flirtatious because it's putting you and her together on a trip, and that is really attractive. Okay, flirting tip number 23. This is a little bit of a counterintuitive tip, but I want you to walk up to a woman when you approach, and I want you to not try anything. Don't try to do anything. Just literally follow this philosophy. Whatever I'm thinking and feeling is what I'm saying and doing. Literally speak your thoughts. Just utter whatever you're thinking, even if it's, hey, I'm really nervous, but I want to meet you girls, or, I'm not drinking tonight. I'm really in my head. How are you? I did this once in Vegas on a night out when I said, it's time to approach sober. And I walked up to women, and I'd say, hey, what's up? I just came over, and I'm really nervous because I'm sober tonight, but man, just wanted to say hi. And it went so well, because if you drop all pretense of pickup stuff, of trying to say the perfect witty thing, just being really vulnerable, lowering that guard, that really is powerful to women because it shows a certain realness and vulnerability that is just so almost hypnotic because it just. It removes all the game stuff. So tip number 23, make this your new approaching philosophy. Whatever I'm thinking and feeling is what I'm saying and doing. Okay, tip number 24. Here's another kiss move. It's the close your eyes kiss move. When the moment feels right on a date, she's smiling, she's leaning in, you're leaning in. You, you got some, some reasonable signals. If you're still not sure about going for that first kiss, say to her, close your eyes. If she does, she's giving you the green light. Go for the kiss. If she doesn't close her eyes, or if she turns away and says, no, not here, you can hold off, wait for the first kiss, do it a little bit later, but you're creating romantic tension that can grow. Either way, it's a win win. Okay, tip number 25. Ask her this flirtatious question. You can do this by text. If you've just started texting with a woman, it's also great to do on a first date. You can ask her, hey, what was your first kiss like? This question brings her back to childhood, youth, teenage years probably where she gets to recall that very first kiss she had with a boy or a girl or whatever the situation was. And don't forget, she's going to ask you about first kiss. So be ready to answer that question yourself. Flirting tip number 26. This is so important, especially if you're shy, if you're logical, if you have a very introverted, logical, analytical mindset. Tip number 26 is be emotionally expressive in a prac. What, what this means practically is use the words love a lot. Like, oh, I love this movie, I love that band. I love this food. And, and also pepper in a little bit of the word hate. Bo. I love Coldplay, but I hate their last album. Or I love Spanish tapas, but I hate white wine sangria. I don't know. So you want to be more expressive. A big secret to flirting is women just want to be with a guy who can fully express himself. And one of the tools to do that is use the word love. Because this is an amplified, more honest version of you, right? Like listen, listen to these two examples. Oh, the Beatles are okay. I like some of their stuff. They're fine. Versus, oh, I fucking love the Beatles. The Beatles make my life worth living. I love every song John Lennon wrote. But you know What? I hate Revolution 9. That's the one stupid song. I hate that song. But I love Abbey Road. Okay, you get the point, right? And finally, tip number 27. And we are exactly 27 minutes right now. I'm looking, looking at my timer. 27, 16 since I pressed record. Tip number 27 is. Here's a tip on what to Say as you ask for her number to set up a date that will be lead to less flakes and more dates. Give her a statement leading into the leading into you asking for her number. This way, tell her what you like about her and make that the reason why you're asking her out. So, for example, let's say you're texting on a dating app and you're just so impressed by how silly and funny she is. You might say, oh, my God, you have such a great sense of humor. I can't wait to meet you in person to see if you're this charming and funny in real life. What's your number? Let's get off the app and set up a date. Or you approach a woman. You're 10 minutes into an approach before you ask her number and ask her out. Say something like, wow, give her that compliment about herself. Boy, you know what? You're so intelligent and well educated. You have two master's degrees. That's amazing. I'm not easily impressed, but I'm impressed. Hey, we have to get together sometime. I want to get to know you more. What's your number? You're letting her know there's something about her, the person that you're really drawn to. It's not just that she's attractive, although hopefully she is. It's not just that you're looking for love. It's that she seems special to you and you want to get to know her better. Why does this lead to less flaking and more dates? Because she feels that you are liking the real her. She feels a real, genuine sense of connection. And you're also showing that you have standards. You're not just asking her out because she's pretty or because you're lonely. You're asking her out because you see something special and you're not easily impressed. But, boy, she's impressing you. So before you ask for that number and the date, give her a reason. Something you see in her that you see as special. Make it not about her physical appearance and make it, of course, authentic. Make it genuine. Make it real. Okay, I think we did it. 27 tips in about 27 minutes, give or take. Thank you so much for listening. And don't forget your dream girlfriend. She is out there, my good man. She just has to meet you. And she has to meet the real, authentic you, because that is you at your most attractive and most dateable. Until next time. Adios.