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How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett
5 Pickup Lines for Guys Who Hate Pickup Lines: Stop Overthinking, Approach Her, and Just Say This
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Do you want to meet women without sounding like some weird pickup artist? In this episode of “How to Get a Girlfriend,” dating coach and bestselling author Connell Barrett shares five pickup lines for men who hate pickup lines. You’ll hear how his...
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Taylor's an attractive guy, but he's no male model. Neither am I, that's for sure. I could be a hand model. I could not be a real model. Welcome back to the how to Get a Girlfriend podcast. I'm your host, dating coach Connell Barrett. Think of me as your podcast dating coach. I'm here to help you know what to say, help you flirt, help you meet women, especially in real life, so you can get a great girlfriend and do it all by being authentic. No creepy pickup tricks needed. Although today's episode is about pickup moves. Five pickup lines for guys who hate pickup lines. I hate cheesy, fake, weird pickup lines like, you know, did you fall from the sky? That bullshit. What I love is to meet a woman out in the real world and connect with her and end up getting a date with her. We can call that a pickup line if you want, but I love doing that in a way that's authentic and genuine, really present and spontaneous. So I'm going to give you, by the end of this episode, I'll have gone over at least five pickup lines that don't feel like pickup lines that don't feel like you're doing some scripted, weird thing. Here's a quick story from way over a decade ago. I dated a wonderful woman named Lane. And I remember. This is. Oh, man, this is. Gosh, this is 15 years ago. Over 15 years ago. I'm at Barnes and Noble and I see a very pretty blonde, slender blonde woman standing next to some greeting cards. You know, they have those fancy greeting cards at Barnes and Nobles. And at the time, I was learning all about approaching women from my coaches. And one of my coaches said early on, he just said, connell, if you're not sure what to say, just say what you're thinking. Say. Say something genuine and real. And as long as it's not like, you know, vulgar, that's a great thing to do. Go with what you're thinking and feeling. I love that. So I see this woman, don't know her name yet, and I walk over and I'm just thinking, okay, what. What am I honestly thinking about this person? She's really cute, and I want to meet her. That simple. So I walk over and I say, hey, excuse me, you're really cute. I had to meet you. And she looks at me and she smiles and tilts her head and says, wow, thanks. You're really cute, too. And we had a really nice, fun, five, maybe five, six, seven minute conversation. Name's Lane, and got her number. But the most memorable thing about her other than the approach and that, that smile, that, that receptivity is what she texted me later that day. It was a Saturday. And I remember I texted her, hey Lane, it was great running into you. You know, good luck shopping. Shopping for cards or greeting cards or getting your grandmother card, whatever she was shopping for. I wrote her or something like that. And she wrote back, it was great meeting you too. Thanks for picking me up. She literally said thank you for picking me up as in picking up a girl. So there is nothing wrong with picking up a girl. And my pickup line is almost like an anti pickup line. It was just, oh, what's genuine, what's real? Hey, you're cute, I wanted to say hi to you. That's literally what I said to her. And that was more than enough for Lane. And then two nights later, wait, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, two, three, three nights later, I believe it was a Tuesday night. We had our first date at a bar in the West Village. Dark, cool, little wine bar, beer and wine and candlelit, moody and dark and cool. But romantic by the way, Lane, her hair was in a ponytail. She was very pretty, don't get me wrong, but I don't usually use the number scale. But if I was going to go 1 to 10, the lane that I met in Barnes and Noble was like a solid 7.5. And then on Tuesday night for our first date, in walks a 9.9999, hair down, wearing a cute little dress, semi low cut top, just stunning, just almost model beautiful, effervescent. And I thought, wow, this is. She looks absolutely dynamite. And, and something I realized that moment was if again, I'm sorry for sounding like a one to ten guy. That just sounds so shallow. But it's just an understandable metric. A seven whose number you get at a bookstore or a coffee shop. She's going to be a nine and a half on the date because she'll be all dolled up, hair done, just looking cute, super, super cute. So I met a 7 and had a date with a 10. And it all started by having the right quote unquote pickup line, which is really more of an anti pickup line, just basically speaking my thoughts. So today I want to talk to you about pickup lines and the art of what to say to a woman in those very first words. And the reason this has been on my mind today is that I just, I'm recording this on a Monday. And I just spent this last weekend with two amazing clients. Taylor flew in from Kansas City, 33 year old gentleman who's a Used car. Sorry, not used car. A car dealership manager. So really new cars. He's selling people in Kansas City. And a client named Kevin, who's a veterinarian, and Kevin lives in Pennsylvania. So these two guys came in to work with me this weekend. I do this thing called the wingman weekend, where it's like, let's go out with Coach Connell. Approach women. Connell's your wingman, and I help them approach women. So I want to tell you a quick story about what to say for those first words and what an incredible, incredibly powerful thing it is for a woman when you do this the right way. So Taylor and I were talking on Friday night. We sit down at the Standard Hotel, at the bar, just doing a little pre brief conversation that I do with clients before we start approaching women. And I said, how many women have you been approaching in the last couple months? And Taylor said, basically, zero. And I said, why? Why? I mean, I know he wants to approach women. I know that because he's been working with me, but he hasn't been doing it. And I said, why? He said, well, I overthink. I'm an overthinker. And I just think I'm that overthinking type guy and who just can't do this. And I said, okay, what are you thinking about? He said, well, I want to say the right thing. I want to say the right thing that makes a one. Makes it go well. Otherwise, I don't want to get shot down and rejected. And I said, if you get shot down and rejected, how would that feel in the moment, do you think? And he said, I would feel humiliated. That's what I don't want. I don't want to feel humiliated. It's a strong word. That's a strong emotion to want to avoid. And I said, taylor, I have news for you. Your issue is not overthinking. Your issue is that you are afraid of humiliation. And the fear of humiliation makes you overthink, so you're not an overthinker. He was tying his very identity to approaching women. I'm just not that guy who can do it. I don't know what to say. I'm an overthinker, I'm introverted, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I said, this has nothing to do with your identity. This is just you telling yourself some bullshit story that an approach equals humiliation. He starts nodding his head, saying, yeah, I get what you mean about that. And then I said, by the way, if you did approach a woman at the bar and she quote Rejected you? What would you lose? What would you actually lose? And he started laughing. He said, nothing. I have nothing to lose. He started realizing the absurdity of what his brain was talking him into. This idea that you can be humiliated. Can you be humiliated by. By saying hello to a woman at a bar and having her say, actually, I'm with somebody. No, thank you. Where's the humiliation there? The humiliation or lack thereof, it's between your ears. That's the only place where humiliation lives. But guess what? Between the ears is also where feelings and stories like confidence live. And charisma lives there too. And being the man who goes for it and steps up and meets women, that's between the ears as well. In other words, he has so much more to gain by approaching that woman at the bar than by not doing it. Bottom line, he said to me as we're sitting there in this little pre brief conversation, he said, I rehearse over and over again. And then I said, okay, here's your rule for tonight, Taylor. And Kevin is sitting there with us, and Kevin is chiming in, helping out. When I do these approaching weekends, it's like three men out on the town to conquer demons, charm beautiful women, and just have these amazing moments. It's so, so fun. And. And I said, here's your mantra for tonight. No more rehearsing. Say the first thing that enters your mind. If you see it, say it. If you see it, say it. Whatever you see, basically approach and just say the first thing that comes into your mind. Just like I did with Lane in the Barnes and Noble. And he said, yeah, I'm in. So Fast forward about 45 minutes later, we're at the Beer Garden. There's a place called the Beer Garden at the Standard Hotel. So we're at the Beer Garden this last weekend, and there's, you know, 50 beautiful women in the place at least. And there are six women sitting at a six top at the Beer Garden. They're all pretty. Every one of them is pretty and stylish. And just Friday night in New York City, and I point him over to approach those women, and he said, I can't. I can't approach those six women. I don't know what to say. I think I'm going to puke. I'm not laughing at him, but I remember that feeling. And I said, remember our deal? Remember our deal. You're only feeling this way right now because you're afraid of humiliation, right? He's like, yeah. And I said, okay, I know exactly what you should say. I know exactly what you should say. I told him, and he's like, okay, what should I say? And I said, and I had. I had a little secret plan for Taylor. I gave him. I was going to give him the first half of an opener, an approach opener, but I didn't want him to know it was the first half because I wanted him to go out and start walking on the high wire without the net. So we're literally five feet away from this six top of beautiful women at the beer garden. And I say, oh, I got the perfect thing to say. Here you go, here's what you say. What? I said, walk over and say, hey, ladies, I have something really important to tell you. And then I said, and I started to push him toward them and I said, go say that. And he pushed back and he said, no, wait, but what is it? What's the important thing I have to tell them? And I said, I don't know. Your brain will figure it out. And I shoved him gently but firmly, I shoved him to the table. And he turns toward the women and he says, oh, hey ladies, I have something really important to tell you. And they're like, what? And he said, I'm thinking of becoming a male model. Do you think I should? I don't know where that came from. It came from the ether. It came from something in the wind. I think we were talking about mom, a model or something. Modeling. And he just says that. And half the women laugh. They're like, no way. Really? You're going to be a model? And the other half are like, you're kidding with us, really. By the way, Taylor's an attractive guy, but he's no male model. Neither am I, that's for sure. I could be a hand model. I could not be a real model. Bottom line is, I wanted him to start the approach, but not know what the finish line of the sentence was going to be. And they loved him. Not only did they love him, they said, hey, come sit with us. Before you know it, he's joined their table. They're now a seven top tailor with six beautiful women. And one of the women he starts really clicking with, her name is Cassie. And Cassie and Taylor start hitting it off. And all of a sudden, my job becomes much easier because I was going to spend the whole night having Taylor approach 25 women. He didn't need to. He approached like four or five before this happened. And he spent the entire next three hours with Cassie and her friends. And then eventually Cassie and Taylor ended up going off into the night on an instant date. And he gave Taylor, as he was saying good night to me, and Cassie was saying goodnight to her friends, he came over and said, connell, this was amazing. And he gave me a hug. And I said, don't rehearse it. Just speak your true thoughts. Cassie already likes you. Women already like you. Do you get that now? He's like, yeah. And so, and that's the main lesson here, is that women, what makes an approach work is. Is not some perfect line. The thing to say is something perfectly imperfect. What I said to Lane that day was perfectly imperfect. Hey, you're cute. I wanted to meet you. All Taylor said to those women was, should I be a model? And that was just what he came up with in the moment because of something we were. Had been talking and joking about earlier. And that was plenty of women don't really care all that much about what you say when you approach. So the best pickup line is anything that you believe and feel or think in the moment spontaneously and you commit to it. He committed to that approach. It wasn't what he said, it was how he said it. He leaned over onto the table. I shouldn't say he leaned over, but he took a commanding stance. He said, hey, ladies, I got an important question to ask you. And they leaned forward. If he had said, excuse me, guys, I don't want to bother you, but can I ask you a question, please? Or am I creeping you out? They would have rejected him immediately. So it's that ownership. It's that ownership of committing to the approach that really makes it work. That's really what makes it work. And I'm just so proud of him. I'm just so proud of him. And you might be thinking the same thing about yourself, like, oh, I need to know what to say. I have to say the right thing or the perfect thing. You don't. You do want to say something that makes sense to a woman when you approach. One of my favorite techniques for approaching is. I call it the what to say framework. Here's what to say. If you want to know what to say, then look at a group of women or one woman, whatever the situation is, especially at a bar, and just say either a compliment, a question, or an observation. Compliment, question, observation. Hey, I really like your tattoo. That's a great design. Boom. Compliment, a question might be, hey, what are you ladies drinking tonight? Those look really good. Or an observation. What do you observe about those women? There was a four top of women at the Beer Garden on this Friday night a couple nights ago, and they were all huddled closely together, almost like they were sharing a secret. And my other client, Kevin, observed that and we used that as his opener. His quote, pickup line. His opener was whoa, you. You ladies seem like you're talking about a super secret topic. And they were, they responded and then it went pretty well. So I want you to think of pickup lines not as lines intended to pick her up and make her attracted to you. That's not going to happen. Most of the time. An opening line or a pickup line, if you will, is. Is just a line designed to start a conversation. And the best way to start a conversation is being present, being authentic and spontaneous. Spontaneity is so important. I was spontaneous with Lane when I said, hey, you're cute and I wanted to meet you. Now that was flirtatious because I was being clear that I found her attractive. But it was also spontaneous and real. Taylor was totally spontaneous in the should I be a model Opener. He never would have thought of that had he been rehearsing, overthinking, trying to find the perfect line. He never would have stumbled on that. He actually would have come up with something overly orchestrated and robotic. And those typically don't go that well. Typically. Now let's talk about Kevin. Kevin had a really great second night out on my. We do two nights out when I do these wingman weekends. Oh, by the way, I should do a quick little promo. If you want to work with me or find out how my approaching weekends work or my approaching coaching works, go to datingtransformation.com you can book a free call with me and, and you can learn all about how I do this with guys in New York City. I also do it in other cities, but mainly New York where I live. So go to my website if you want to datingtransformation.com so night two with Kevin. We're doing. Oh, this is a great moment for Kevin. Funny. So night two, we're at a place in New York City, a really cool, fun lounge on the Lower east side. And we're about to start approaching. But before we approach women, I like to do a little warm up exercise to get my clients in a fun, playful mood. Fun and playful. That's what women want in bars and clubs. Fun and playful. They don't want long, elaborate, logical, analytical conversations. They don't want a TED Talk, they want a fun talk. So we're doing an exercise that I call. So it's the three of us, right? We're standing in the corner about to go approach women. We're two Minutes away from approaching women. But first, I want to do this exercise with them. And I call this the playful roast. The Playful roast. Here's how it works. A really good thing to do when you meet a woman in a bar, you're just making that bar small talk is you say, hey, where are you from? Where'd you grow up? And whatever state or city she mentions or the state, you make an association with that place. You think, what's a stereotype? And then you ask her a playful, playfully teasing question based on the stereotype. So imagine you approach a woman and you say, hey, where are you from? And she said, oh, I'm from Indiana. You might associate, I don't know, corn or cows or farms with Indiana. And you could say, oh, you're from Indiana. Interesting. So did you, like, ride a cow to school every day or did you eat corn on the cob for breakfast? Very light tease. A light roast. And that's a good way to get, get, get practiced and somewhat versatile at flirting spontaneously. You associate a funny stereotype with wherever she's from. And anyway, so I'm doing this exercise with them called the playful roast. I'm pretending to be. I'm role playing the part of a woman. And they're approaching me at the bar and we're doing like 30 second roleplay conversations. So Taylor comes up to me and says, hey, what's up? I wanted to meet you. And I'm like, oh, hi, nice to meet you. And then he says to me, pretending to be a woman. Taylor says, so, where are you from? Where'd you grow up? And I say, oh, I grew up in Texas. He said, oh, Texas. Wow. Okay. So did you have like barbecue ribs in your cereal? Did you like, ride a bull to school every day? And that's really good. That's pretty good. That's actually pretty funny. Taylor was doing great. No, no surprise. The night before, he had an instant date with a beautiful woman named Cassie. So Taylor's feeling the confidence. And anyway, a. A job, I say to Taylor. And then Keith comes up to me. I'm sorry, Kevin. Keith was a different client. Kevin comes up to me. And by the way, Kevin is a doctor. Very logical, very analytical, playful. Flirting doesn't come naturally to him. And that's partially why he hired me. So, so Kevin comes up to me and says, hey, where are you from? And I said, oh, hi. Oh, where am I from? I'm from Nevada. And Kevin said, oh, you're from Nevada. Okay, interesting. Are you a whore? And there's this like, Stunned silence from Taylor, who's listening? And me. And I. And I do timeout. I make a timeout motion. I'm like, timeout, timeout. What? Where did you get. Are you a whore from? As your tease. That's not a playful roast. That is a harsh, terrible word to use with any woman ever, pretty much. Unless you're. Unless you know each other really well and you're both joking about it. And I say, where did you get that? And in a weird way, it makes sense. He said, well, Nevada. Nevada has those legal brothels, and there's like escorts and stuff in Vegas. So I just went to. So he actually did the game, right? He just went from 0 to 9, 9, 9, 90. So I said, okay, let's dial that down. Right? Connection. He. He associated something with Nevada. But here's the flirting rule that he broke, which is the secret to playful teasing is. Is to only tease a woman about something that. That no reasonable woman would get upset about. No reasonable woman. The joke that Taylor cracked about writing a. Did you ride bulls to school every day? Perfect. The per. No reasonable woman's going to get upset about that. Asking a woman if she's a whore. That's something you don't want to say right out of the gate. So what was the fix? It might be something like. So we. We redid it. We redid the exercise, and he re. Approached me role playing the woman, and I stayed with Nevada. I said, let's dial it down to something way more G rated, right? And it was something like, oh, are you like a. Are you like a Vegas showgirl? Like, that's way better, you know, Are you a blackjack dealer? Great. Now we're. We're playful. We're playfully associating fun stereotypes, but not in a way that a woman could get upset about. So. But that's okay. I was. It's all. It's good to make mistakes. It's good to make flirty mistakes because that's how we get better. That's how we get better. And so fast forward 15 or 20 minutes. Now, Kevin didn't have, like, the amazing runaway instant date breakthrough that Taylor had the night before. But that's cool. Every guy gets better at a different rate and has different experiences when we're out approaching women. Fifteen, 20 minutes later, though, he approached a woman, and he was really sincere and playful and fun, and he was teasing a woman and these two female friends. Just the right amount. Just the right amount. I couldn't hear what he was saying because it's a loud bar. But I could tell that they were giggling and smiling. He was teasing them in that flirtatious way. All right, so if you do approach a woman at a bar, this is something you can absolutely play around with. You can ask her some basic questions like, hey, where are you from? Where did you go to college? And look for playful teases. Playful. And if you can't think of something spontaneously in the moment, that's okay. Not everybody crushes at this exercise right away. Here's a back pocket tease. You can say to any woman. Pretty much, this is. This is. This is copy and paste. You're at a bar, you ask her, hey, where'd you go to college? And she says, oh, I went to. Blah, blah, blah. I went to Tulane University. And then you say, oh, you went to Tulane. Okay, well, I'll speak very slowly then. The joke is, anybody who went to that university needs slow conversation to follow along. That is not a very good school. That's a cop. You know where I got that joke? Of all places, I swear to God, I went and saw David Letterman million years ago when he was at NBC that long ago. And he came out and did crowd work before the Late show started. And he. He said that to me. He takes questions from the audience. And I asked a question, and I said, yeah, Dave, I don't have a question. I just want to say I went to Ball State. I went to Ball State for two years for undergrad, which is where David Letterman went to college. And I said, hey, Dave, I went to Ball State just like you. And he said, oh, you went to Ball State? And I said, yeah. He said, then I'll talk slowly. Crowd went crazy. So that's my David Letterman playful roast. I got it from Dave, and I repurposed it for women and dating. So feel free to play around with that. Or whenever a woman says where she's from, just think, okay, what is a fun, light stereotype about where she's from? If she's from Jersey, you can say, oh, you're from Jersey. Oh, were you on the Jersey Shore? What's the situation like? Is he really cool in person? What's Snooki like? You could do that. Is she from. I don't know, pick a state. Is she from Florida? You could say, oh, have you ever went out with Florida man? What's Florida man like? Anyway, ask yourself what's. What's a fun, playful association you make with that state? Or, like a stereotype and you apply that stereotype to her? Or you ask her if that stereotype applies to her. And that's a playful way to tease a woman. And many, not all, but many women love a man who can tease her because it shows confidence. It's one of the ways we flirt with women. And it shows confidence and it's fun. It's way more fun than lots of facts and figures. So I'm not a fan of pickup lines, but I am a fan of saying and flirting and communicating with women in a way that allows you to pick them up. So when in doubt, say something truthful, something genuine, something. If you are going to tease a woman, make it light and playful. And remember that Taylor left the bar that night, two nights or three nights ago, with. With Cassie. Not because of what he said. He left with her because she likes him. The person, the man. So pickup lines by themselves are not gonna make a woman instantly fall for you. But if you are authentic and genuine and playful and yourself, you're giving her something really wonderful. You're giving her a really fun, warm, enjoyable experience with a great guy. And that's all that women want. All right, until next time. Thank you for listening. Adios, Sam.