Podcast Summary: How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett
Episode: 5 Texting Mistakes Women HATE! + 5 Ninja Text Moves to Get Her Pursuing You
Date: August 26, 2025
Host: Connell Barrett
Episode Overview
Connell Barrett, dating coach and author, concludes his "Textual Healing" mini-series by diving into texting dynamics that can make or break your chances with women. The episode revolves around two main objectives:
- Outlining the five most common texting mistakes men make (and how to fix them)
- Equipping listeners with five advanced "ninja" texting moves to spark attraction and get women actively pursuing them
Connell maintains his signature humorous and authentic tone throughout, illustrating advice with anecdotes, real message examples, and a full text exchange demonstrating his framework.
Key Discussion Points & Insights
1. The Play, Play, Play, Pull the Trigger Framework
- Connell’s guiding principle for texting is to keep conversations playful and light ("play, play, play") before moving things forward ("pull the trigger") by asking for a date or what you want.
- The goal is to give value through fun and banter, not to incessantly ask for attention or dates.
"When texting women, we mainly want to be playful and light and then every so often we pull the trigger and ask for what we want, which is usually a date." (02:00)
2. The 5 Dreaded Texting Mistakes (and Their Fixes)
1. Being Needy / Only Asking for What You Want
- Coming across as desperate or constantly requesting things (e.g., "Did you get my text?") kills attraction.
- Fix: Focus on making her smile and feel good, not just fulfilling your wants.
"The biggest mistake that men make is primarily asking for what they want." (08:30)
Example:
Connell reads a former client’s (Barry) text thread that went from positive to ghosted when Barry pressed too hard for another date instead of bantering.
2. Assuming You’re Ghosted After One Unanswered Message
- Jumping to conclusions if she doesn’t respond instantly is counterproductive.
- Fix: Use Connell’s Three Times Rule: Send up to three playful, value-offering texts before moving on.
"Let a woman go quiet for three good messages before you make any assumptions that she is not into you." (20:30)
3. Going Silent Between Scheduling & the Date
- Not staying in touch after confirming a date can cause her to lose interest.
- Fix: Maintain a cadence of at least one message every other day, keeping communication light and positive.
"'There have been plenty of messages my girlfriend didn't respond to. If one unanswered text meant getting ghosted, I'd have been ghosted 47 times...'" (16:20)
4. Getting Too Sexual Too Soon
- Turning the conversation sexual early signals red flags and is off-putting for most women.
- Fix: Keep it G or PG-rated until there’s clear mutual chemistry.
Memorable bad example:
"I love your smile, and I just wonder what else you can do with those lips." (29:55)
"Ew. EW instantly turned her off in a big, big way." (30:02)
5. Playing It Too Cool / Being Mysterious
- Deliberately waiting hours to respond or being aloof doesn’t build attraction.
- Fix: Be authentic and show genuine interest—today’s dating landscape rewards openness, not game-playing.
"The power of authenticity, the power of believing in who you are and what you offer women... that's so much more attractive than some guy going quiet and disappearing." (35:15)
3. Five Advanced (Ninja) Texting Moves
1. The "Resurrection Text"
- For when a conversation fizzles or goes cold, even after months.
- Playfully act as if you’re longtime lovers who've lost that "lovin’ feeling":
- “Katie, baby, I feel like we’re growing apart. We barely talk anymore... Have we lost that loving feeling or should we give it one more try? 😉”
- Works by being over-the-top, self-aware, and inviting playful responses.
"This works because you're being playful... you're basically making a joke out of this idea that you and she are in a long term relationship." (44:30)
2. Cheeky First Date Confirmation
- Don’t confirm a date in a dry, business-like way ("Are we still on for Thursday at 7?").
- Instead: Send something that teases playfully about the date—e.g.,
- "Hey Katie, just so you know, I'm at the gym right now blasting my pecs so I'll look huge for our big date tomorrow night 💪"
- Purpose: Give a “booster shot” of fun and make her look forward to the date.
"You’re not giving her the emotions she wants... Confirm the date in a fun, cheeky way." (54:00)
3. Bar Banter Text
- Arrive early to a date? Send her a message describing where you’re waiting, or gently tease if she’s late:
- "Just so you know, for every minute you’re late, you owe me a drink. I like the good stuff 😄"
- Establishes a flirty, comfortable vibe right before meeting.
"Put some flirtatious friction here. The point is to make her feel like you're putting some (playful) fun pressure on her." (01:04:00)
4. Callback Humor
- Reference an inside joke or theme from earlier in your texting to establish shared history.
- E.g., After a date where she struggled with chopsticks, "I'm going to Venmo you for the two pieces of sushi you dropped."
- It’s an easy way to re-engage and build rapport.
"Callback humor really pays off later because you're referring back to something you've already laughed about." (01:08:00)
5. "Ask the Expert"
- Give her the “advisor” role in a playful way by asking about something she’s passionate about.
- Example: If she’s an artist, send a quirky art photo and ask her to analyze it.
- "Hey Jessica, pop quiz for the professional painter: Is this A, a brilliant work of art, or B, just a fucking cow?"
- Harnesses people’s love of sharing expertise.
"Ask the expert... what is a question you can ask her that she'll want to answer because she's an expert about it?" (01:13:00)
4. Full Example: An Authentic Text Exchange (Susie)
Connell walks through an actual message thread (01:19:00–01:33:00):
- Opening banter: Playful references to being a “dating coach” and her profile (“Wonder Woman”), blending humor and sincerity.
- Games: Initiates a playful “two truths and a lie,” keeping things light.
- Nicknames: Uses nicknames like “Ms. Honesty” and “Wonder Woman.”
- Balancing sincerity: Compliments her profession (nurse, advocate) with genuine admiration.
- Pulling the trigger: After establishing rapport, transitions to asking for a date:
- "I'd like to find out in person what other Wonder Woman powers you have. Do you like fancy drinks with tall, charming gentlemen? Because I know somebody."
- Setting up plans: Asks for her number and date availability in an open-ended way, not forcing specific days.
- Result: She responds eagerly, moves off the app, and they confirm a meeting time.
Key quote:
"I was like 60, 75% playful, fun, giving her a fun little quiz, giving her little nicknames, asking her silly questions. At the same time, I was being very genuine. I took a moment to be vulnerable, not vulnerable, but sincere..." (01:32:30)
Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments
-
On authenticity vs. game-playing:
"The only reason anybody chases anybody in dating is because that person sees so much value in the other person. We chase things we value—we don't chase things that disappear." (36:27)
-
On persistent but playful texting:
"I've had a couple women actually say to me 'I just wanted to see how persistent you were going to be. How about Friday night drinks?'" (21:23)
-
On moving from playful to purposeful:
"When asking a woman out by text… I'd rather simply ask her, 'What nights work for you for fancy cocktails?'" (01:26:30)
Timestamps for Core Segments
- Main texting mistakes overview: 04:45–38:44
- Advanced texting moves start: 39:01
- Resurrection text: 44:30
- Cheeky confirmation: 54:00
- Bar banter text: 01:04:00
- Callback humor: 01:08:00
- Ask the Expert: 01:13:00
- Full Susie text exchange breakdown: 01:19:00–01:33:30
- Episode wrap-up: 01:33:40
Final Takeaways
- Be playful and authentic: Most texting pitfalls come from either neediness or inauthentic game-playing.
- Give value before making an ask: Focus on making her laugh, engaging her as an expert, and referencing in-jokes.
- Persistence pays: Don’t be discouraged by slow replies; use the three messages rule.
- Confirmation is for fun, not anxiety: Cheeky, positive confirmations are much more effective than business-like check-ins.
- When you pull the trigger, do it confidently and non-needy.
Connell’s closing wisdom:
"Your dream girlfriend is out there. She's going to love you—but she's going to have to meet the real, authentic you."