Episode Overview

Podcast: How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett
Episode: Be Magnetic to Women as the Nice Guy You Are—By Doing ONE Thing
Host: Connell Barrett
Date: October 16, 2025

In this “Ask the Dating Coach” episode, Connell Barrett, renowned dating coach and advocate for “radical authenticity,” answers listener questions on how nice guys can be more attractive to women without resorting to manipulative pickup tactics. He emphasizes the importance of genuine confidence and leadership, busts myths about what women want, addresses money etiquette on first dates, warns against over-the-top romantic gestures, and tackles spontaneity—all delivered with humor and memorable anecdotes.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The "Nice Guy" Dilemma — Why Being Respectful Isn’t the Problem

(00:48 - 14:30)

• Listener Question: Terry wonders if being respectful is hurting his chances with women, since his “jerk” roommate always seems to have a girlfriend.
• Connell’s Core Insight:
  • Being “too nice” is NOT the issue; the problem is a lack of leadership in dating.
  • “Women lose interest if you're not leading...dating is a dance, and our job as men is to lead that dance.” (02:36)
• Why Jerks (Seemingly) Win:
  • Jerks often lead confidently. They plan dates, make decisions, and don’t wait excessively for cues from the woman.
• Backing by Data:
  • Connell cites a Glamour magazine poll: “33% of women said, ‘I want a guy who is, quote, loyal and lovable.’ Do you know what finished second to last at 6%? Bad boys.” (04:48)
• Personal Story:
  • Connell himself is “a nice guy, raised by nice parents in a nice Ohio town...For years, I thought being nice was my problem.” (05:20)
  • A Maxim model once told him, “Nice guys are sexier than six pack abs. As long as they have a backbone.” (06:37)
• Core Formula:
  • The secret = Nice guy + Backbone.
  • “Confidence has to come with kindness. Confidence without kindness, you're just a bro with a podcast.” (09:14)
• Actionable Takeaway:
  • “Be a man with a plan. That’s the fastest way for you to start showing that leadership. Women love a leader. Women love a plan.” (10:00)
  • Tips include: picking the venue, leading conversation, not waiting for multiple “green lights.”

2. Etiquette on Who Pays for Dates—The Venmo Fail

(14:31 - 20:38)

• Listener Question: Valerie received a Venmo request for half the bill after a first date with a wealthy “finance guy.”
• Connell’s Take:
  • “He handed over his black Amex like a boss and then Venmoed you like roommates sharing a Papa John's. Cheap move.” (15:15)
  • Advice: Send him “exactly 2 cents” via Venmo with the note, “Here’s my 2 cents: The person who does the inviting should pay. Especially when they drive a Mercedes. Good luck with your dating search.” (16:16)
  • “He showed you very cheap behavior. How you handle money around your date reveals your character.” (17:02)
• Rule for Listeners:
  • “The person who initiates the date should pay. Period. Whoever asks pays. It’s not about gender; it’s about effort, generosity, and showing that you value getting to know somebody.” (18:02)
• Humorous Add-On:
  • “Never date a man who doesn’t round up from $48.67. He probably expenses his Tic Tacs.” (20:16)

3. The Dangers of Grand Romantic Gestures Too Soon

(20:39 - 29:55)

• Listener Question: Try Hard in Toledo asks why his first-date gifts (roses, texts, poems) backfired.
• Connell’s Experience:
  • Over-the-top gestures signal neediness or creepiness, not romance.
  • “In the movies, grand gestures seem to get you the girl. But in real life, they get you 60 to 90 days in county.” (21:12)
• Personal Anecdote:
  • Connell shares his own extreme mistake: flying cross-country, bringing a woman he’d never met roses, lingerie, and a mold kit of his “manhood.” “I thought I was Lloyd Dobler from Say Anything, except replace the boombox with a dildo.” (25:14)
  • The result? “Radio silence.” She found it off-putting.
• Guiding Principle:
  • “Women like it when a guy makes his intentions clear. But they don’t like it when a guy seems ready to propose after two vodka sodas and some calamari.” (27:19)
  • “Wait until you’re truly falling for each other before you start to give lavish gifts. Not date number one — more like date 21.” (28:52)
• Light-hearted Wrap-up:
  • Connell invents a poem for the listener:

    "No more roses. Leave rhymes to the bard.
    Lest girls ghost you for trying too hard.
    That’s my advice. The thing you should know.
    Take it from the guy who gifted a dildo." (29:16)

4. Becoming More Spontaneous (for Planners)

(29:56 - 33:28)

• Listener Question: A self-described “planner” wants to be more spontaneous because women say they like it.
• Connell’s Real-World Solution:
  • Humorously: “Being spontaneous is easy. Just practice spontaneousness every other Thursday from 7:15 to 8:50 pm.” (30:46)
  • Actual tip: Take an improv class—“Improv makes you spontaneous. Well, it makes you present...You can’t plan all the things out you’re going to be saying and doing.” (31:14)
  • Most cities offer drop-in improv classes; try one as a low-commitment way to challenge yourself.

Memorable Quotes

• “Women don’t reject you because you’re being respectful. There is nothing wrong with being respectful. You want to be respectful. But women lose interest if you’re not leading.”
  — Connell Barrett (03:12)

• “Nice guys are sexier than six pack abs. As long as they have a backbone.”
  — Julie (Maxim cover model, as retold by Connell) (06:37)

• “Confidence without kindness, you’re just a bro with a podcast.”
  — Connell Barrett (09:14)

• “He handed over his black Amex like a boss and then Venmoed you like roommates sharing a Papa John’s. Cheap move.”
  — Connell Barrett (15:15)

• “In the movies, grand gestures seem to get you the girl. But in real life, they get you 60 to 90 days in county.”
  — Connell Barrett (21:12)

• “Take it from the guy who gifted a dildo.”
  — Connell Barrett (29:20)

Timestamps & Key Segments

• 00:48 – 14:30: The Nice Guy Problem—Why you must lead
• 14:31 – 20:38: Date payment etiquette and the Venmo fail
• 20:39 – 29:55: Grand gestures, desperation, and what not to do
• 29:56 – 33:28: Spontaneity for the ultra-organized

Conclusion

Connell Barrett’s straight-talking coaching underscores that authentic, respectful men can be magnetic to women—by pairing kindness with decisive leadership and self-worth. Key lessons: avoid approval-seeking, lead the dating “dance,” focus on generosity not grandiosity, and embrace presence and spontaneity over rigid planning.

Always be yourself, but don’t wait for permission to show up confidently and lead. Or as Connell says, “Carpe date ’em. Seize the date!”