← How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett
How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett
Flip the Authenticity Switch: 4 New Ways to Approach Women IRL (No Pickup Tricks Needed)
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Do you see women you’d love to talk to in real life but you freeze up? Dating coach and bestselling author Connell Barrett reveals how to flip the “Authenticity Switch” and go from anxiousness to confidently approaching women—without any cheesy pickup...
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Here's your lower back tattoo. Courage is the currency that buys you confidence. Courage is what gets you talking to that girl. Confidence will come later. Welcome back to the how to Get a Girlfriend podcast. I'm your host, dating coach Connell Barrett. I am here to help you flirt with confidence and get a great girlfriend, all by being authentic. What I call radical authenticity. That means no pickup artist moves, no game playing, just being your best true self. Because that's who women are into. And I'll bet that you are tired of the dating apps. I know that women are. I rarely say everyone or no one because life is too complicated to avoid nuance. But I'll say this, almost everyone is sick of the dating apps. If you're struggling on the dating apps, you're sick of them. Or maybe you're just tired of dealing with swiping. But even if you're a woman who gets a lot of matches, that might sound great to you and me, but women are so tired of boring guys, of swiping, they just want to meet somebody in real life. More and more women are dying to meet somebody in real life. And today I want to help you do that. I want to help you flip a switch and get really confident and comfortable with approaching and flirting with women you meet out in the real world. Because I'll bet that if you're anything like me almost 20 years ago, you see women you want to talk to, maybe at the coffee shop, maybe at the bar, maybe your gym. But you freeze up. You tell yourself, don't be weird, don't be creepy, don't bother her. And what do I even say? And before you know it, she's gone. And sure, you're introverted, and that makes approaching scary if you're a shy, introverted guy like I am, naturally. But the real problem is, is not being shy or introverted. The real problem is that deep down you fear that maybe you're just not what attractive women want. You know, self doubt. Maybe you're just not cool enough or tall enough or handsome enough or rich enough, not something enough. And I struggled with this too. I thought that women just didn't want a shy nerd like me to come up and talk to them in real life. But I put a lot of time and effort into this. I hired tons of coaches and I cracked the code on how to meet women in real life, how to approach. And now, of course, that's what I do. I help nice guys and introverts meet women in real life. I'll be out approaching women tomorrow with an amazing client, a New York City cop who's gonna go out and talk to some women with me. I'll call him Shane. Shane and I are going to go out and talk to girls because Shane has tons of confidence when it comes to being a cop solving crimes. But isn't it crazy that he's in his head and nervous about approaching a woman? And so, yeah, today's episode is about. I want to give you four powerful ships and also four very specific practical missions to help you meet women out in the real world and flirt with them in a way that is so not creepy. It's classy. No cheesy pickup tricks needed. This is you being authentic, being yourself because women like you for you. And stick around until the very end because I want to send you a free copy of my book. I wrote a book called dating sucks, but you don't. And I want to send you a copy. And I'll tell you how to get that in about 15 minutes. So let's do it. Here are the four shifts, the four biggest shifts you want to make. And the first shift is, I call this flipping the authenticity switch for instant approach and confidence. The authenticity shift. Sorry, shift switch. Me not talk goodly today. The authenticity switch is a radical change in how you meet and talk to women. And it's going to help you go from anxious and feeling nervous and anxious to feeling confident and really authentic with women. The night I first flipped the authenticity switch, it changed my life. I'm 38 years old. I'm on a rooftop bar on a Friday night, and I had never approached a woman before, ever, because I'm an introvert. So talking to women was hard for me. In fact, I was so afraid that night that before I did my first approach that night, I hid in the men's room stall and I threw up at a panic attack because I was so afraid that I was about to find out that maybe I just wasn't what women wanted. They didn't want me to approach them. I was going to bother them. I was going to be a creep. Basically. I was afraid I was going to find out I'm not good enough. But I had a coach with me, had a really good coach who went by the name Ryan. That's not his real name, but he went by the name Ryan. He held me accountable. After a couple of approaches, I got the let out. I got some momentum, did a couple of approaches. The very first woman I talked to, cute blonde in a cowboy hat. I was so nervous to approach her. I walked up I said a few things. Nothing good. Hey, how's your night? How are you? Where are you from? What are you drinking? Terrible game. But anyway, I shot my shot and she spoke to me for a couple minutes and then she walked away and said, well, nice meeting you. Bye. She wasn't into me, but she also didn't throw a drink in my face, say, get away, creep. And I remember thinking, that's what I've been afraid of for 38 years. That wasn't so bad. So I did a couple more approaches and then I met Kelly. Kelly is a blonde, stylish actress, aspiring actress at the time. And we totally clicked. It was like we were on a first date. So I went to get his drinks. I. But when I came back, Kelly was talking to three slick Wall street guys and she was really into the middle guy, this wavy haired guy. So I handed her her drink and she took it from me without even looking at me. So minutes earlier, I was her date and now I was her waiter. My stomach dropped. So I went to my coach and I said, what do I do? Ryan said, well, what would you do if you could not fail? And I knew the answer. The answer was I would take her back. So I march over to Kelly and I say, come with me. Take her hand. And I take her about 10ft away from the dudes, the Wall street dudes. We sit down, and by the way, the investment wankers did not follow. I was in charge now, and I just told her the authentic, truthful thing I was feeling. I said, you're my girl tonight, not his. And then she leaned in and she half smiled and she said, you just took me away from those guys like you, like you own me. And I said, I don't own you, but I. I know what I want. And when I want something, I go after it. And I want you. And I had never felt like such a man before. It was the first time in my life I made a woman swoon. We kissed, and I left the lounge with Kelly on my arm and walked right by wavy hair. On the way out, she and I left the venue together. We went on an instant karaoke date, ended up back at my place. Now, don't worry, you're not going to have to vanquish a bunch of Wall street bros to approach some women and meet them and have some success in real life. But you will need to do what I did. You need to show women what I showed Kelly, which is that you are a man who goes after what he wants and you do it with Authenticity and courage. So I call my dating philosophy radical authenticity. This is about showing women your real, best self. No pickup lines, no games. Instead, just follow this rule. What I'm thinking and feeling is what I'm saying and doing. That night, Kelly chose me, a nerdy, shy ginger, over a handsomer, more outgoing, more muscular dude with better hair. And the reason is because I showed her who I was, that I was capable of going after what I wanted with truth, heart, and vulnerability. So flip that authenticity switch. Be bold. Be truthful. Be you. It's magnetic to women. So that's shift number one. But here's a specific mission I want you to do every day. Walk up to a woman you want to meet and share the most honest thing that you're feeling. As long as it's gentlemanly, keep it G rated. But if you like her tattoo, tell her. If you're nervous to meet her, say hi, I'm actually shy and nervous, but I want to meet you. And then, boom. Let that vulnerability, Let that authenticity carry the day for you. And remember, you are enough. You are not one in a million. You're one in eight billion. You are literally like no other man in the world. So show her that you're one. One in eight billion. Okay, now let's do shift number two. Shift number two. For you to approach and connect with women out in the real world is I want you to get good at what I call man to woman communication. What is man to woman communication? Well, it's your flirting superpower. Because I'll bet you struggle talking to women, right? Ever been put in the friend zone? I did not live in the friend zone. I owned real estate there. I was a friend zone oligarch. I was the mayor of the friend zone. So let me help you get out. I want to help you see the matrix of how to talk to women and escape that friend zone. There are only three possible communication channels when speaking to other people outside of your family, of course. First channel is business professional. That's the logical, analytical way you communicate in work environments or, you know, with the waitress serving your table or people in your office. The second channel is friend to friend. A purely platonic vibe. And the third channel of communication is man to woman communication. Fun, playful, and flirty. And that's where you want to be. So the big mistake you're making when talking to women is you talk to women in a dry, logical way. Channel one. Or you treat women like a friend, like a buddy. And that's why you might hear after a date, you thought Went well. You might have a woman say, hey, you're a nice guy, but I just didn't feel a connection. What she's really saying is you didn't talk to me on channel three man to woman. You talked to me on one of the other two channels. Single women don't want facts. They don't want just friends vibes. They want flirtatious energy. They want man to woman communication. You're a man, she's a woman. Why hide it? Talk about authenticity. That's it, man. You're a man, she's a woman. Why are we hiding this? And this is your second. That was your second shift. Here's your second mission. When you're already talking to a woman, maybe you're 10 minutes into an approach conversation, maybe you're on a first date. Identify an internal quality she has, like her wit, her personality, her intelligence, and tell her that it's sexy and use the word sexy. Or if that's a bridge too far for you, then it's okay. Go with charming or adorable. Those work as well. My client Trevor was at a candle at bar on a first date one night with a woman named Natalie. A bright, bubbly brunette chef, Gorgeous, cool, amazing girl. And she had friend zoned the last three guys she'd met. Trevor really liked Natalie's snarky, sarcastic side. So he told her, he said, you know what's sexy about you? You're a total smart ass. I like that. I like that you call me on my shit. And that, along with a few other man to woman moves I taught him, led to the end of the date. By the end of the date, she was sitting on his lap and they were making out. And everybody in this wine bar was like saying, get a room, guys. Not a bad first date, right? So make sure you use man to woman communication. Now let's move to shift number three. Shift number three. Use courage to build your confidence. I want to bust a big myth for you. You think? I'll bet you think that you need confidence to approach a beautiful woman, but you don't. You need courage. All courage is is taking an uncomfortable action. That's all Taking an uncomfortable action and doing it anyway. So tattoo this on the body part of your choice. Here's your lower back tattoo. Courage is the currency that buys you confidence. Courage is what gets you talking to that girl. Confidence will come later because if you wait for confidence to go approach, you're never going to do it in the first place. I was puking in the bathroom that night I met Kelly Courage is what got me to talk to her, not confidence. I didn't have any confidence. Now, am I confident today? Hell, yeah. But the reason I can confidently approach any woman is because I approached so many women while scared. Here's a quick story. I told this on the last pod, but it's such a good story, I'm going to share another version of it. My client Robbie and I were out recently and his hands were shaking when he did his first approach, or before he did his first approach, but he did it. He just used courage. He stepped up and did it. Two hours later, Robbie had met 15 or 16 women and had five phone numbers in his phone. Even said to me, connell, I'm in God mode. I am fearless. So courage is the currency that got him that confidence. So here's your mission. Number three. Use courage tomorrow, within 24 hours, go out and decide to talk to a woman who intimidates you. But you want to meet her, even if you're uncomfortable. Especially if you're uncomfortable. You're going to feel so much confident after you do it. Pain is temporary. Confidence lasts. So use courage today and the confidence will soon come. I promise you. All right, now let's save one more tip for the end. Here's a big shift that really changed everything for me. It changed everything for Robby, and it might change something for you, especially if you're just tired of letting fear stop you from meeting incredible women. Shift number four is get a great coach to lock in approaching success. So the first three shifts that I shared today, they'll get you started. But to lock in approaching results in the shortest amount of time, you need plan and you need accountability, and a great coach gives you both. Now, the best coaches I had, I had 13 different coaches. I had so many. I had too many coaches. You don't need that many. But the best coaches I had changed my life. I would not be sitting here talking to you right now if I hadn't had my coaches. I wouldn't be a dating coach. I wouldn't be with my girlfriend Jess. I wouldn't have this career. So coaches change my life. And so here's your mission number four. If this appeals to you, book a free call with me to find out if my dating coaching is right for you. If you want to approach women and you don't want to use pickup artist moves, if you want to use pickup moves, if you want to plan and script out your lines, that's fine. Not going to judge you. But I'm not the coach for you. But if you want to meet, meet women with real authenticity and just be your best, most confident self, then you and I can hop on the phone and I'll give you a personalized plan to help you meet and date some incredible women. And if we decide to work together, amazing. And if we don't, that's cool too. I don't enroll everybody who books a call with me. Some guys don't need coaching. Some guys just need a couple quick tips and then I send them on their way. So, so you can go to my website, dating transformation.com and book a free call with my team. And just a heads up, I only do personalized, very one on one coaching. So my bandwidth is limited because I just, I only work with a few guys. So if you're, if you're tired, if you really are so sick and tired of feeling too frozen to approach women, then go to datingtransformation.com, book a call with me and I'll be helping, I'll be on the phone helping you come up with a plan. Okay? I just wanted to give you that little instant commercial because the best coaches have changed my life and I want to change your life. If you are looking for some one on one help, okay, as promised, here's how you can get a free copy of my book. Maybe coaching is not what you need right now and you just want to read more about the how to. That's awesome. Send me your email. Sorry. Email me and I will send you a copy of my book Dating sucks. But you don't. It's a book I'm very proud of. It's a dating guide for men. Basically, I walk you through. I walk you through. Here's how to over overhaul your confidence. Here's how to talk to women. Here's how to get more matches on the, on the dating apps. Here's how. Here's how to always know what to say and never run out of things to say. All my best advice is in my book dating sucks, but you don't. So if you want a free copy, all you got to do is shoot me an email. My email is conellatingtransformation.com that's C O N N E L L@datingatingtransformation.com as soon as I get your email, please write free book in the subject. I will shoot you a free copy of my book as soon as I or somebody on my team sees your email, which usually is pretty quick. And then you'll have a copy of Dating sucks but you don't and again, if you actually want some dating coaching help or at least want to find out how it would work, just go to datingtransformation.com and I'll leave you with a vision. Here's my vision for you. This was my vision for me 20 years ago and I have a similar vision for you. I want you to imagine that you're at a coffee shop and you catch eyes with your dream girl. Feminine, stylish, adorable. But instead of freezing up, you walk over to her confident in yourself. You say something genuine, something flirtatious, something real. Not perfect, but real raw. You. Then she giggles and she smiles and she really likes that you came over to her. You chat for three, four, five minutes. You get her number and a couple of nights later you're on a fun, flirty date with her and she's into you. Her perfume smells incredible. She's touching and feely with you. You have a great first date kiss and you cannot wait to see each other again. That's what I want for you. Your dream girl is out there. She's tired of the dating apps and she's waiting for a good hearted gentleman like you to change your life. So go out there. Apply these four shifts. Go. Approach women with courage and confidence. Or I should say courage first and then confidence. Make that switch to authenticity. And don't forget, you are enough right now as you currently are. You are enough. And your dream girlfriend is out there and she's going to love you. But she's going to have to meet the real, most authentic you. Until next time.