← How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett
How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett
From 10 Years of Loneliness to Landing His Dream Girl Allie: How Jake Found Love—and How You Can, Too!
01:05:48
Feeling stuck in a dating dry spell? So was Jake. At 30, this shy, nerdy engineer (and proud Creed fan) felt too afraid to talk to women. And he hadn’t had a girlfriend in a decade. But with personalized guidance from dating coach Connell Barrett,...
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- [00:00]
Jake
Been into Creed this year.
- [00:02]
Connell Barrett
Okay. Confessions of Jake. Talk about being vulnerable and authentic. Admitting that you like Creed. Welcome back to the how to Get a Girlfriend podcast. I'm your host, dating coach, Connell Barrett. I am here to help you learn to flirt, gain confidence, and get a great girlfriend. And do it all by being authentic, being your real, most authentic, awesome self. No sketchy pickup artist moves needed. And this episode is very special. It's perfect for the new year because it's a new year and I want you to get a new girlfriend in 2025 to have a new wonderful woman entering your life very soon. And today's episode is about how my client Jake was able to do just that. When Jake first came to me, he was struggling with some issues that might resonate with you. He did not know how to talk to women he could not approach. He got stuck in his head a lot. He just didn't know what to say, didn't know how to flirt. And he was also struggling with some issues relating to self confidence. Jake is an engineer. He's in his early 30s, he lives in the southern US and he was battling some things like loneliness. He hadn't had a girlfriend since the mid teens, about 2015, 2016, somewhere around there. And he came to me because he just said, connell, I'm lonely. I don't know how to talk to women. And I just feel like I'm not what women want. The word he used in one of our very first conversations was, I just feel inadequate. I'm not good looking enough. I'm not charismatic enough, I'm just not enough. And he and I worked together and not that long ago, he ended up getting his now girlfriend Allie in his life. Ali is, I haven't met her, but she's beautiful. She seems so cool and sweet and she is deeply, deeply in love with the real Jake. And Jake just became so much more confident. Good at flirting, good at approaching a lot more dates from the dating apps. And I'm really proud to say that working with, by working with Jake, we were able to get him this incredible girlfriend. And that's what this podcast is called. It's called how to Get a Girlfriend. So you're about to listen to a fun conversation I had with Jake. Basically all about the problems he had and how we fixed them and how he was able to get a great girlfriend. And along the way, don't just listen to Jake's successes, but also listen to the insights, the tips. I share a lot of insights. So does Jake, by the way, in this episode about. About how to talk to women on first dates, about how to get more matches, about having the right mindset, what I call the higher self mindset, that radically authentic self, that most confident, badass version of you. That's the guy women are going to be most attracted to. So please enjoy this, this conversation with my, My former client Jake, who now has a great girlfriend. He. He's going to tell you how he brought her into his life. And going forward on this podcast, I want to help you get a great girlfriend. So listen to Jake and I talk about everything from flirting to dating to Creed, the band Creed. Enjoy. Hey, Jake. Happy holidays, man. Long time no chat.
- [03:44]
Jake
Yeah, same to you. Great to talk to you.
- [03:46]
Connell Barrett
Yeah. Thank you so much for being here. Our listener is super psyched to hear about your journey from struggling in a lot of ways with women and struggling with approaching and what to talk about on dates to now having this incredible, incredible girlfriend named Allie. We're going to talk about you and her shortly, but I thought you and I might, might begin at the beginning when you, when you first came to me, you reached out and booked a free call with me and said, hey, Connell, I need some help with some things. What were some of the things you were most struggling with when we first spoke?
- [04:20]
Jake
Yeah, totally. So it's crazy to think where I'm at now compared to where I was a year ago. So, I mean, I had. I'd kind of been reading through your book and, you know, I just, for, for many years. I'd been out of college for seven, eight years and just really struggling to find a good rhythm with dating. I would occasionally go on dates, maybe a couple dates per year, but just really couldn't seem to get the. The dates flowing. And I tried several different things. And I think just when I got on the phone call with you, it just was really, I think, a sort of a pivotal moment where I was like, all right, I'm going to do this. I'm going to focus on dating and make it a top priority and really learn how to date. Because I definitely had a lot of skills that I was lacking, like being able to get on dating apps and actually take a girl from the first message to off the daps to a date to the, to the first kiss. Like, that was just completely foreign to me as well as, you know, many other, many other aspects about.
- [05:58]
Connell Barrett
Well, you wanted, as I recall, you wanted a few simple things. I remember you saying, oh, I just want to be able to go on a dating app, get some matches and get dates. I want to be able to approach women and be confident and know what to say. And I think most of all, you wanted a great girlfriend. Could you, could you elaborate on just what you wanted on day one?
- [06:18]
Jake
Yeah, for sure. I think I wanted. I wanted the feeling of like I knew what I was doing when I. When I talked to women. I think the, the feeling, the feeling of uncertainty was just. Was killing me. So I just wanted that. I wanted that comfort, that, that just, like, ability, that smooth ability to go on a date with a girl and just know how to. Know how to kind of lead things. And, you know, I did want a girl. I wanted a person that I could share my interests with and share just fun, you know, fun dates with, Be intimate with. And yeah, it was just. It was something I hadn't really, really had much before. So it was definitely a very strong, strong desire.
- [07:18]
Connell Barrett
As I recall, you hadn't had a girlfriend since maybe the mid teens.
- [07:23]
Jake
Yeah.
- [07:24]
Connell Barrett
Really?
- [07:24]
Jake
Since.
- [07:24]
Connell Barrett
Not a real one. Right.
- [07:25]
Jake
Pushing. Yeah, pushing 10 years since. Since I'd had a real girlfriend.
- [07:30]
Connell Barrett
Yeah. So you wanted a girlfriend, you wanted some smoothness, you wanted to know what to say, what to do, and you wanted to not have too much uncertainty. And that all sounds really great. I like to think of a guy like you. You're like a hero in your own journey. You know, you want like a protagonist in a movie or a novel. You want something wonderful. And the problem with being a hero and a hero's journey is there are certain things that get in the way, are problems that stop you. And you had some problems that were getting in the way. We talked on that first couple, those first couple conversations about that internal monologue you had that felt your words were. I was looking at my notes. Draining, frustrating. Quote, am I attractive enough? I don't know if I have the social skills to talk to girls. Am I attractive enough? Can you talk a little bit about the internal things that were pushing back that voice in your head that was hurting your confidence back then?
- [08:29]
Jake
Yeah, it was. I mean, it was a lot of different things, but yeah, mainly that. That inner voice that would just constantly come up anytime I felt like I made a mistake or didn't do something. Right. It was just constantly there, ready to just make me feel like about myself. So I felt like, yeah, I didn't, I didn't have a lot of dating experience back in, in high school or college, you know, a couple short relationships. But. But yes, I mean, being able to shut down that voice and actually just have fun on dates was. Was something that was quite difficult to do going into the beginning of this year.
- [09:27]
Connell Barrett
And you wanted to meet women in different ways. You wanted to be able to get good matches on the dating apps. You wanted to be able to meet women out in the real world approach, get some phone numbers and dates. Can you share the story you shared with me? Way back you were at a restaurant with people you knew. As I recall, there was a hostess you were attracted to and you wanted to talk to her, flirt with her, but something got in the way. Tell us that story if you would.
- [09:54]
Jake
Yeah, I mean there were, there were honestly several stories like that. So they, I think the one you're referring to. Yeah, I think I was like, I think I was maybe with my, with my family and just didn't feel, didn't feel comfortable. I didn't want to look like an idiot. And, and, and so, yeah, just totally got it.
- [10:20]
Connell Barrett
And you didn't want to be a, quote, creepy loser, right? Remember?
- [10:23]
Jake
That's right.
- [10:25]
Connell Barrett
What's so funny is there is nothing creepy about you. You're the coolest, most amazing guy. But that's what that, what I call the lower self. That's what that lower self, self doubtful mindset mindset can do to us, is make, make us go, oh, don't be a creepy loser. Do women see you as a creepy loser? And so that I remember you saying, yeah, you wanted to chat, flirt with a cute hostess. But what if your family saw? What if people saw you get shot down? It was that kind of bullshit, right?
- [10:52]
Jake
Yeah. Yeah, for sure.
- [10:56]
Connell Barrett
Yeah. And so no wonder you needed a little help. It's okay. And you know, I do this thing with all my clients, such as your good self, where we give that lower self a name. Mine is Connie because Connie is that identity that represents the fearful, doubtful side of me who used to think, oh, you're a skinny, nerdy ginger who girls aren't into. That was why I could not approach women or have any confidence until well into my 30s. And you very vulnerably named your lower self Creepy Loser. Now it's a pretty painful sounding name, but hopefully in a helpful way because we want to get in touch with that voice of self doubt keeping this down. Right?
- [11:42]
Jake
Exactly.
- [11:43]
Connell Barrett
Yeah. So, okay, creepy Loser was your lower self name. So basically you and I chatted and we said, okay, you want some amazing things, but you've got some self doubt holding you back. And also just some pure mechanics, some flirting and approaching mechanics that were getting in the way. And that internal monologue of basically, oh, am I attractive? Enough. Am I what women want now? Let's get into some of the fun stuff that we did together. Let's talk about. Let's talk about the actions we started to put into place as we started to work. What were some of the things that you felt worked best in terms of flirting, in terms of assessing the action you were taking? Share some thoughts, please.
- [12:30]
Jake
Yeah, I mean. I mean, the first thing was just a few tweaks to the dating apps and starting to getting some matches. Like, that was a big shift, and I could finally kind of start to. Instead of just thinking about what I would do and what I could do, right and wrong. It was. It was actually I was out there going on dates and getting to talk to you about it. And, and really, I think one of the big things that was helpful was, you know, you really. It was almost a chore at the beginning, but you were just constantly making me do the heads and tails analysis. What went well, what went bad. And I think that really helped to force out the. That, that negative voice in my head and really got to also just go out and enjoy some. Some fun experiences.
- [13:32]
Connell Barrett
So you're talking about what I call the. The coin of self assessment.
- [13:36]
Jake
Yes.
- [13:36]
Connell Barrett
Here's a tip for everybody listening. When you go out into the world, whether it's a first date or an approach or a match on a dating profile, and you're messaging back and forth after any interaction with a woman, you want to start with heads, when I mean by heads, is we want to start with something positive and empowering, which is what are one to three things that you did well and feel good about? Because it's so easy to focus, to beat yourself up and to say, oh, Connell, I approached that girl, but, you know, she didn't give me her number. She wasn't into me. And if you do that, not you, Jake, but the royal you, if you don't focus on some positive things, then that can hurt your mindset. So we want to start with, hey, what did I do? Well, what can I feel good about? Because I remember you going out to approach some women there in your. Your hometown and. Or near your hometown, and you reported back to me one night you would talk to like, five, six, seven, eight women one night out at the bars, and maybe you didn't get phone numbers or dates that night, but you did two or three other things really well that I think started to give you a little bit of hope, a little bit of like, hey, wow, I can talk to women and they talk back and everything's okay.
- [14:50]
Jake
Yeah, Yeah. I mean, I think really being able to just focus on it was, was a big deal. So, you know, I've got a full time job and everything, so. But I was going out multiple times a week, at least, you know, two or three times. I, I like to try to do a sort of a nighttime, you know, scene and a daytime scene at least, at least once a week. Yeah. Would sometimes go out to bookstores or go out to the stores and yeah, just getting, getting in the rhythm of just chatting, chatting girls up, saying like, hey, what do you, what do you think of this jacket? Or what do you, what do you think about. What do you think about these things? And when you, when you can get out, like when I could get out of my head and just kind of be present and just ask things that were on my mind, it just, the, the, the connection started happening so much faster.
- [15:53]
Connell Barrett
Awesome. Great. Yeah, let's get into that and I'll let you choose the context for this next question. The context is, could be approaching, could be first dates, but share a story or two, share an aha moment you had where you realized, oh, whoa, that's what I can say or do to, to get more confident, get, get a better reaction from women. What stories, what aha moments jump to your mind?
- [16:22]
Jake
Yeah, I think there were, there were a couple. I think there was the first week where I really started like getting a lot of matches on the dating apps. And I think I went on four or five dates in a single week, which was just that, that was more than I'd been on the entire year before. And I just remember, I remember there was one of them, it was kind of a last minute, last minute date that I set up and me and this girl met at this like little, little downtown just outside the city, Vineyard place and had like a, this, this Latin dance night that didn't even know what was going on or actually like learned about it just before, so. And I'd done like a couple of Latin dance classes back a few years ago when I was trying to learn, you know, some different skills that would be useful in dating. And I'm not, not a great dancer. But, but just being able to, I think coming off this high of wow, I've got these matches, I've got these, you know, I feel, feeling like I'm having some success. Just went into this date really confident and was able to, you know, have some conversations with this girl and we went to the dance floor and by no means was, was, you know, tearing up the floor, but just being Able to have fun and, you know, went really well. We were dancing and kissing and, and it just was, it was a. It was like one of the first experiences where I was like, oh, man, this is a girl I literally met, you know, 30 minutes ago, and she's already just like, we're having a great time having. And yeah, it was, it was amazing to. To see that that was possible for me.
- [18:39]
Connell Barrett
Yeah. Well, compare that abundant mentality you were beginning to tap into three, four, five dates that week, kissing a girl you had met 30 minutes before. That's what I call dating abundance, where you have all these new wins or at least options and possible wins compared to the scarcity that you had when, quote, creepy loser was running your dating life. And by the way, we forgot to. I forgot to mention something. So we gave, we gave you this lower self name, creepy Loser. We also gave you what I call the higher self name, which is the name I have my clients give that best, most badass, authentic version of themselves. And for you, we came up with Jake, the creator, because you like to create. You have all these different, different projects. You like to create things. You do a lot of work around your home. You're very. You're an engineer. So you're good with your hands, you're good with creating things. So the idea is that there's a higher self inside of you that has an abundance of. Lots of women would love to be with you if they met this higher self. And all of a sudden, it sounds like on this date when you were salsa dancing, Jake the creator really came out and realized, hey, I've got a lot of good options here. And it's. I'm just. I'm really clicking with this woman.
- [19:56]
Jake
Yeah, for sure. I think, I think I knew that that higher self existed, but I couldn't figure out how to bring it out. When I was dating, when I was dating, I was just in this. Yeah, the creepy loser mindset of I'm not doing this right. I'm not doing that right. And it. And it really took. It took a handful of dates, you know. So I think that that was maybe the, you know, maybe the. Somewhere around, like, the 10th date I'd been on. And so it, it just, it took a little bit of. Took a little bit time to get. Get comfortable with that. But once I got there, it was. It was a lot easier to get there again because I just. I had a feeling for what that, what that looked like.
- [20:45]
Connell Barrett
Right. The higher self needs to be reminded every day that he's inside of You. So here's something you at home can do every single morning, every single morning. Take 15 minutes. I call it the confidence kickoff or an hour of power. 15 minutes minimum. It can be up to 60 minutes. And literally write down, or better yet, say verbally three to five things about you that, you know, make you a good catch for women and make them I am statements, I am successful, I am big hearted, or I speak three languages, or I love to travel. It can be anything. You just want to shift that lower self mindset away from the things that you think you lack and start focusing on the things you know you offer. Because that's how we essentially flip that switch and put that higher self in charge. But he needs to be reminded every single day or else he won't show up. And then we got creepy loser or Connie showing up instead of Jake the creator, or Connell fucking Barrett, which is my higher self name, which is so stupid it's brilliant. Connell fucking Barrett. Anyway, okay, back to your story. So all of a sudden you've got some great leads coming in on dates. You got multiple women wanting to have dates with you. I remember you struggled early on. Or one of the things you were struggling with before you and I work together was what do I talk about? Is my, Is my content good enough? Is my flirting good enough? And I gave you what I call the 8020 rule to follow on dates where, you know, most of what you say doesn't have to be amazing. Anyway, talk about what I call the 8020 rule. If you would talk about how that helped you either with dates or approaching or both.
- [22:35]
Jake
Yeah, that was, I remember that. That was a big, that was a big kind of shift for me because I found myself going into dates feeling like if I wasn't performing at the top level for the entire date, it was going to be a failure and it was going to be my fault. But I remember you telling me 80% of the conversation can be kind of boring. And, and that's.
- [23:06]
Connell Barrett
I remember saying, jake, I dare you to be boring. Oh. Remember I said, go up and approach women and ask them about AI, Remember?
- [23:16]
Jake
Yeah, yeah.
- [23:16]
Connell Barrett
I don't know how that went, but I just remember you like, okay, if I could talk about AI, I guess I could talk about anything.
- [23:22]
Jake
Yeah, yeah. Well, and I think, yeah, I mean, what it, what it came down to was I think one of the big things that was holding me back was my just fear of being boring and uninteresting. I thought that, I thought that I had to be super interesting to a girl. For her to be attracted to me when it was really. I just needed to show up as myself and be a interesting, like, just normal person, I think.
- [24:03]
Connell Barrett
Normal. Just be authentic.
- [24:05]
Jake
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And. But then it. It did give me. It gave me freedom to. When I did think of something funny, I could throw it in there and it would. It would be a great moment.
- [24:18]
Connell Barrett
Yeah. Yeah. Like, what's your favorite band? What are some bands or musical artists? You like pop or rock? Anybody?
- [24:25]
Jake
Oh, man. It's kind of a meme for me this year, but been into Creed this year.
- [24:32]
Connell Barrett
Okay. Confessions of Jake. Talk about being vulnerable and authentic. Admitting that you like Creed. Fine. No judgment. No judgment here. I guess my point was about to be. It still is. When you. When you're on a date, you don't have to be Creed's greatest hits. Every song doesn't have to be a banger. You can just kind of have some jams, have some kind of B sides, and then every so often, maybe you throw. I don't know. What's. Creed give you some Creed music.
- [25:02]
Jake
Thank Cool.
- [25:03]
Connell Barrett
One hire per date is enough to make a woman go, damn, I like this guy's music. But yeah, you don't have to be Creed's greatest hits. Or I'm a big Beatles nerd. You don't have to be. Doesn't have to be the number one. 20 number one hits.
- [25:17]
Jake
You can just have, like, it could.
- [25:18]
Connell Barrett
Be side two of Abbey Road on a date. Some girls just want to jam and, like, yeah. Rocking out to some tunes. And that's my little analogy for you don't need to fill a date or an approach with amazing content. Just 80. 20 rule. 80%, sincere, normal, authentic. 20%. 10 to 20% can be what I call man to woman. Communication, flirting, teasing, compliments, The. The fun. The fun parts of banter. But 80% of it can just be Jake being Jake, because guess what? Jake is more than enough because he's Jake the creator. You struggle with dating, right? Sure, you have a good job and cool friends, but you just aren't sure how to flirt. The apps don't work for you, and sometimes women put you in the friend zone. It's frustrating. Hey, I struggled with dating, too. As an introvert and a total nerd. I. I didn't just live in the friend zone. I owned real estate there. But I escaped using the dating philosophy of radical authenticity, which I've used to help thousands of men in 17 countries find love. It's what I wrote about in my bestselling book, Dating sucks. But yout Don't. And radical authenticity is why Psychology Today called me the best dating coach in America. And now I want to personally help you attract your dream girlfriend. So go to datingtransformation.com and book a free call with me. On our call, I'll tell you how my one on one coaching will help you find your dream girlfriend. And you'll be doing it by flirting with confidence and authenticity. No creepy pickup tricks needed. So go to datingtransformation.com, book a free call today, and let my personalized coaching help you get a great girlfriend.
- [27:07]
Jake
Yeah. Yeah, it was, it was definitely. I remember going on dates beforehand. Like before working with you was just very high anxiety.
- [27:19]
Connell Barrett
Yeah.
- [27:19]
Jake
Through most of the date. Whereas afterward especially, it was just a lot more relaxing. Like, I could, I, I could start to say, am I having, like, am I interested in this girl? As opposed to constantly thinking about, am I performing? Am I doing a good job? It's just, am I having, am I enjoying it? Because there were, there were some, there were some dates where not going well and because we just weren't a good fit. And previously I would, I would think I'm, I'm no good. I'm a, I'm a lousy dating person. I'm not attractive. But kind of as, as the year went on, I just was able to be a little bit more comfortable with, yeah, I'm, I'm, you know, this, maybe this girl isn't, isn't for me or, and it made the, it made the ones where I did connect with them all that much more exciting because it was, oh, wow, there's a connection here. I can feel it.
- [28:21]
Connell Barrett
Well, you change the underlying question that you were asking beneath the surface on a first date. The underlying question, the term I learned from one of my coaches was the primary question. That kind of underscores a date. There's always a question that's being asked. And the old question you were asking, and you tell me if I'm close here, Jake, but the old question you were asking was, am I flirting well, or does she like me? Or how do I impress her? Do you feel like those were some questions that you were asking almost like beneath the surface before you and I ever worked together?
- [28:59]
Jake
Yeah, definitely. It was just, yeah.
- [29:02]
Connell Barrett
How do I get her to like me? What do I say? What's the right move? Basically, yeah.
- [29:07]
Jake
Yeah.
- [29:08]
Connell Barrett
And you change the question to, is she a good fit for me? Or maybe the new question became, how do I find out if she meets my standards? That's an amazing question. That's a higher self question, right? Is she good enough for me or are we clicking as people as opposed to am I good enough for her? Because that, that, that's a total mindset. Game change. If you can shift that the way you think about the date itself.
- [29:38]
Jake
Yeah, for sure. And just being able to be more comfortable. Like there's things that I enjoy talking about, so bringing those up and being comfortable with that and, and feeling like this is, this is who I am. This is. Let's, let's see if she's, let's see if she's into me and my true self.
- [30:03]
Connell Barrett
So I love that. And you're doing something there called what I call the buyer seller dynamic. Too many men go on first dates or approach a woman with the mindset of, I am the seller and she's the buyer and I want to sell myself to her. And that is understandable, but it's absolutely poison for connection, for sparks, because that puts you in a lower place than the woman. Because if I'm walking up to you trying to sell myself to you, the that means you're above me. And women don't want to date a guy who's below her. But sounds like you're, you're shifting it to, hey, are you what I'm looking for? Or do we fit as people? And that allows a woman to feel like, oh gosh, he's kind of screening to find out if I, I meet his standards. And that's what really attractive, great guys do. A lot of guys do it naturally. You had to learn how to do it, but you started to do it. Let's talk about some fun kind of flirting moves. Good old fashioned mechanics. Were there any, you know, I call it mando woman communication. I teach things like playfulness, good authentic, sincere compliments, teasing, storytelling. We talked about the 8020 rule. Are there any other flirting moves that you learned from me, either in my coaching with you or in the book that you felt like, oh, wow, that really worked. That really resonated.
- [31:32]
Jake
I think one, one that I remember is just sort of spiking the conversation and, you know, maybe talking about something totally different, but just like finding, finding the right way to just throw something in there that, that turns it into man to woman. Like, I remember there was this one girl that I went out with and we were talking about bands and, and.
- [32:04]
Connell Barrett
I'll bet you were talking about creed, weren't you?
- [32:08]
Jake
That may have come up, but that's confidence.
- [32:10]
Connell Barrett
A man who can talk about creed on a first Date.
- [32:13]
Jake
Yeah. Yeah. So listen to this. She.
- [32:15]
Connell Barrett
Okay.
- [32:16]
Jake
She says she. I was like, so what was your, like, what was your, like, you know, favorite band in. In high school? And she's like, I think it may have been Nickelback.
- [32:28]
Connell Barrett
Okay.
- [32:29]
Jake
You know, previously I would have just. Oh, that's funny. That's. That's. Yeah, I like Nickelback too, but I was like, I really kind of leaned into it and I was like, wow, you just got so much more attractive to me that you like Nickelback.
- [32:42]
Connell Barrett
Nice.
- [32:42]
Jake
And so just like a little. Little comments like that. That. Because it genuinely was. It was, it was. It was funny to hear her say that. But also I was like, okay, this is a, you know, girl that. That is not afraid to. To say what she's interested in. And so it just. It stuck out to me. And I was able to sort of. When I noticed something, yeah, that was attractive to me, I was like, I. I pointed it out and actually said it out loud.
- [33:15]
Connell Barrett
Nice.
- [33:16]
Jake
And it, it, it. You can just feel the momentum building because you're, you're. And. And you know, another girl, like, went out with a nurse one time and, And. And like, we were talking about something and she was talking about her nursing job, and I was. I was thinking about it and I was. I just kind of stopped. I was like, sorry. I was. I was just thinking about. You probably look really cute in. In scrubs.
- [33:42]
Connell Barrett
Nice. And I remember this. I remember you telling me about her.
- [33:47]
Jake
Yeah. Yeah. And. And it was just like. And I'm not being, you know, I'm not being this, you know, sex hungry dude. But it. It was just kind of these little comments that I was like, I think I was speaking authentically.
- [34:02]
Connell Barrett
Right?
- [34:03]
Jake
It was. I was doing it in sort of a funny, funny, joking manner. And, you know, we went back to talking about other things and. But it was just little. Little moments, little comments that show that I was interested and showed that I thought she was attractive. I found those. Those to be things that pre. My previous lower self would. Would say, oh, what if. What if she doesn't like that? Right. And right. My higher self was, let those. Let those things fly.
- [34:38]
Connell Barrett
Let the chips. Absolutely let them fly. Let the chips fall. And if she doesn't like you complimenting her musical taste, I mean, okay, fine, but she's probably not the right woman for you. It comes down to moving toward what you want, creating a real clear goal. That hero's journey. Here's what I want. I want a bubbly, amazing girlfriend on the path to finding her. Jake, the creator Wants to have fun, sexy, good dates that are enjoyable. And we want to move toward what we want instead of be overly worried about avoiding what we don't want. It's about being kind of proactive toward asserting, moving toward what your goal is rather than trying to avoid a negative. And so what I love about that story with the nurse is, is you just let it fly. You let it. You let her know that you've thought she was cute or sexy or attractive because she was a nurse or that part of her was attractive to you. And the Nickelback compliment is a great example of what I call a positive spike, which is no way. You like this band. I like them too. That's so cool. I love that you're into them. And that helps create a sense of. It's genuine too, in your case. Now, if I was on the date with a woman like that, I would tease the shit out of her for liking Nickelback. I would say, hey, you know why they're called Nickelback, right? It's because everybody wants a refund and get their Nickelback when the show's over. It sucks so bad. But that would be authentic to me because I'm a ball buster. I'm a natural born smart ass. You might not have my smart ass sense of humor, which is fine. You and I are very. Not very different, but we're different people. So I love that you're being really. You were leaning really into that. Really leaning in to being that authentic self. Can't let you go here. And we'll get to you and your girlfriend in a second. But I gotta talk about your trip to New York. You made a pilgrimage. Part of what I do with my clients is anybody who wants to come to New York, who work to work with me, we go out for a weekend and I'm your wingman. Literally, side by side, shoulder to shoulder for two, three in person sessions. You, me, a couple clients come by and hang out and you had a pretty, pretty incredible New York City experience. Let's talk about again. You don't need to name names or identify any people, but you had a pretty fun date the night before. You and I even met in person. You met a woman out on the town in New York City. Can you tell that story? Because that's such a great story about what's possible when a guy goes out there and meets people.
- [37:16]
Jake
Yeah, for sure. So, I mean, I think it was the first time I'd been to New York City, so it really helped. I just got into this vibe of I'm Here for a few days. I'm just gonna lay it all on the table and have. Try to have as much fun as I can. And. And so it was, yeah, it was, it was a great way to get out of the normal routine, the normal, normal city. And then, yeah, just the first night I. I got there the night before and was able to just go out, get some dinner and chatted to a couple different people, but sat down at the bar.
- [37:58]
Connell Barrett
Another.
- [37:59]
Jake
Another girl came up and sat beside me, just started chatting, sort of started. Started joking around. And I actually, like, she asked me while I was there. And so you're seated up at a.
- [38:15]
Connell Barrett
You're sitting up at a bar at a restaurant, right? You're kind of adjacent to each other.
- [38:19]
Jake
Yeah, yeah.
- [38:21]
Connell Barrett
What'd she look like? Paint a, Paint a picture for our listener, if you would.
- [38:25]
Jake
Yeah, I mean, she was, she was like Latina and kind of clearly just grabbing a quick drink after work and so. And yeah, we just started chatting and she, you know, she didn't. Couldn't believe that I was, you know, first time in New York City. And so we just started chatting and joking around and. And so I think it was a Thursday night. And so, like, I was like, hey, I'm. I'm out to see the city. You want to, you want to go hit a few spots and. Yeah, sounds great. So we, we bounced around to several bars and. And she, you know, just had a fantastic time. It was fun and, you know, was. Was a great sort of man to woman connection. We had, we had some great, some great inside jokes that we, we came up with. And, um, yeah, it was just, it was a, it was a great, great first night in, In New York City.
- [39:36]
Connell Barrett
Yeah. So you had gone by then. This was before we actually went out and did our coaching together. This was the night before. So you were taking your own action, which is fantastic. And compare what you did. Compare you and that hostess from many, many, many months ago, where you barely even talked to her. You didn't want to ask her out, you didn't want to be creepy, quote unquote, to just chatting with. Casually chatting with a really attractive, intriguing New York City woman next to you. And you guys went out, you had an instant date. You just went out, hit the town, and really hit it off romantically that day. So that's what, that's what Jake the creator is capable of, right? Being able to meet a woman, and all of a sudden you're out on the town with her, which is incredible.
- [40:18]
Jake
Yeah, totally. It was, it was just Being able to get into that, that zone of I'm here to meet people and have fun. And I think that just came across as attractive and interesting. And as opposed to her just going home and having an early night, we stayed out late and went to a jazz bar and just went to all these different cool places.
- [40:48]
Connell Barrett
It would have been so easy for you to say, oh, you know what? I'm not going to talk to this woman. I'm going to be with Connell tomorrow. I'll just keep it chill tonight and not even talk to her. Or maybe to talk to her, but not lead it anywhere. But by then you had adopted this core philosophy that I shared with you, which is assert your ideal outcome. A woman, until you and she get it in a win win way that everybody loves, which you and she went out that night and had a great night. Or until you get clear evidence that, hey, thanks, but no thanks, not interested, or, you know, I can't go out. So you, you were already moving toward playing to win. Basically, you're playing to win and you had a great night with her. Let's fast forward to our weekend together in person coaching. So it's you and me. It's. A couple other clients came by and basically I'm. I'm your wingman for the weekend. I'm having you go approach women. I'm giving you feedback, I'm watching, I'm helping. I'm approaching women and talking to them with you. Think back to that weekend, if you would. What moments stand out? What was a highlight moment for you? Any insights you had, Anything you did or felt that weekend that made you feel like, wow, this really helped me.
- [42:03]
Jake
Yeah. Well, I feel like I need to tell a story about the one most memorable moment, which was the. You were. We were out at the club and you were, you were kind of giving instructions, which was great because I not. Not super comfortable in the club environment. So just having you to kind of just say, hey, try this, try this.
- [42:23]
Connell Barrett
Yep.
- [42:24]
Jake
And so you told me about the. The hand of God. Move.
- [42:27]
Connell Barrett
The hand of God.
- [42:29]
Jake
Yes.
- [42:29]
Connell Barrett
Q Choir of angels. Let me, let me, let me explain what the hand of God is, and I'll let you take it from there. Okay.
- [42:40]
Jake
Okay.
- [42:40]
Connell Barrett
So the hand of God. This is tough to teach on a podcast, but the hand of God is. It's a great way to approach a woman in a club, especially on the dance floor. So we're on this dance floor. The hand of God is you extend your hand out to. You tap a woman on the shoulder. You extend your hand Out. And you do it in an over the top, absurdly, almost narcissistically confident way. You are. Visualize the. Was it Michelangelo's Renaissance painting in the Vatican? God reaching out to Adam. You're reaching your hand out to a woman as if to say, I shall give you the pleasure of dancing with me. There's no verbal. It's a completely silent dance floor. Approach, hand out, and you assume she's going to take your hand. It's called the hand of God, because that's such an absurd, silly thing to call it that. So anyway, that's how you can approach a woman on a. On a dance floor without any words. You just put your hand out as if you are reaching down from the heavens to grant her a moment with a godlike person in you. That's the hand of God. I'll let you to go to the story of this probably Friday night with me and. And my. My. My other client, Aaron was with us.
- [44:02]
Jake
Yeah, yeah. You. You just told me, hey, try this. And I was like, all right, let's do it. So was kind of walking across the dance floor and saw this. This tall blonde, looked like a, you know, Russian model type, type lady. And, and. And so just went with the most. I think I did like a hand twirl, right? And just. And just literally the whole group of people around were kind of just like, looking at me and.
- [44:34]
Connell Barrett
Hold on, let me jump in real quick. I'm sorry, I'm not trying to.
- [44:36]
Jake
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- [44:37]
Connell Barrett
Be steer. Like, be bossy here. But as I recall, you. You tapped her on the shoulder, she turned, you extended your hand. The hand of God. And at first she said, no.
- [44:48]
Jake
Yeah, right.
- [44:49]
Connell Barrett
Or she said, no, thanks, but then did, like all these people. Didn't her social group kind of like.
- [44:54]
Jake
Yeah, a couple of the girls and the dudes were like, no, you gotta, like, you gotta dance with this guy.
- [45:01]
Connell Barrett
You kept your hand out. You, like, insisted.
- [45:03]
Jake
Oh, it was. It was a good, like, it felt like minutes, but probably three or four seconds.
- [45:08]
Connell Barrett
Yeah, okay.
- [45:09]
Jake
Before she finally gave in to. And it was. It was kind of like the. The dog that catches the. The bus. Didn't know what to do after that. Like, kind of danced for a little bit. I think it, like, tried to kiss her.
- [45:24]
Connell Barrett
And I remember butts were being squeezed. I remember it looked like Dirty Dancing. You were both into it. I remember Aaron and I were just cracking up. Aaron's my other client who was with us, and we were watching you, like, oh, my God, they look like they're grinding on the dance floor five seconds or 20 seconds earlier, she was saying, oh, no, I can't. But, but you were insistent. But it was, you were persistent. But it was playful, right?
- [45:53]
Jake
Yeah, yeah. And it, it, it, I, I didn't at that time really know how to transition to, oh, let's have a conversation, let's have fun on the dance floor. So it was, but it was, it was definitely a memorable, memorable moment with which kind of was maybe, maybe one of the peaks of my, my confidence as amazing.
- [46:13]
Connell Barrett
Yeah. And that, and that's what we want to have these experiences of, of clear new evidence that you are very attractive to lots of women. Because that lower self can stick around and say you're a creepy loser. You're inadequate if we don't give it counter evidence. So when you go on three, four or five dates a week, when you make out with a cute girl, you know who you're dancing salsa dancing with, when you do the hand of God, all of a sudden you're grinding on the dance floor with a random gorgeous woman. All of a sudden that lower self realizes that, that it's full of shit and that you really are Jake, the creator. And that's our brain needs that, that evidence and that proof of success. Don't fast forward. This is not an ad. It's a free thing that's going to help you flirt with confidence because I'll bet that you struggle with what to say to women and how to flirt. Right? Well, let's fix that. I'm going to give you what I call the Flirty 30. These are 30 flirty questions to ask women on the apps or on dates or when you approach so that you can confidently connect with cool, sexy women. Starting today, it's time to stop running out of things to say and start asking them flirty questions that are going to make them want to date you. So to get your copy of the Flirty 30, it's totally free. Just go to datingtransformation.com Flirty 30 and that's F L I R T Y 30 datingtransformation.com Flirty30. You're about to start confidently flirting with women, going on dates, and soon getting a great girlfriend. Go get your flirty 30. All right, let's talk about the big, the big win here for you. So you have a wonderful girlfriend named Allie. I've seen photos of you. She's adorable. She's a really cute brunette, I think. And tell me a little bit about you and Ally. And specifically, I'm curious about any Moments that you had early on with her, whether it was an early date or interaction with her where you realized, oh, wow, I know what to do here. She's really into me. Or you share any wins that you experience along the way with lovely Ally.
- [48:36]
Jake
Yeah. So there was. I think I should start, like, at the very beginning. And we matched on Hinge, I think it was. And it took a couple tries to get the conversation going. And I. I thought that she had lost interest. I thought she was. She had moved on. She didn't reply to a couple of my messages, but I sent one more message joking about, you know, how she was sick and she must have. She must not have made it. And it was this flirty, kind of playful way. And she just immediately replied and was like, oh, sorry, I was. You know, I was busy. And so took that to the. Took it. I was like, all right, let's text off the app. Let's, you know, maybe we can go on our first date, walk through the Walgreens aisle to. To get some. Get some cold medication.
- [49:24]
Connell Barrett
Wow. Hey, big spender.
- [49:27]
Jake
Yeah. Yeah. So just, like, fun, flirty, nice, and then set up the first date. And. And I think it was. It was the. I'd had a couple of moments, but it was. It was one of these moments where I was instantly attracted to her. I was like, man, this girl is just gorgeous. And. And then it was one of the. The first moments where I started talking about things that I was interested in, nerdy things, like AI and tech and, you know, space and rockets and these kind of nerdy stuff. And I could just see her getting so attracted to me. It was like, I can't. And she still, to this day, just. I'll start talking about these things, and she's like, man, this is so hot. I'm like, this is. I. I did not believe that this girl existed before, and so, sorry. Getting ahead of myself. But you're good.
- [50:32]
Connell Barrett
You're good.
- [50:33]
Jake
Essentially, just. Yeah. Really. At that point, I'd been on. This was. Towards the end of. This was several months after we had, you know, stopped working together or finished our. The program. And. And just at this point, I'd finally gotten this. What I'd been talking about, which was this sort of comfort of, okay, I see what's happening. She's into me, I'm into her. Now it's just my job to kind of lead the interaction. So we kind of bounced around. We went to this. It was kind of this sports bar or this bar that had, like, games, had, like, yeah. First Date.
- [51:13]
Connell Barrett
Okay.
- [51:13]
Jake
And so had this, it was kind of this outdoor. It was during the summer. They had, you know, they had ping pong, billiards, darts, all this kind of thing. So we got to just kind of walk around and, and it was, it was extremely flirty just right from the get go. And one of the things that I really liked is, is girls that are bubbly and, and just very responsive, which, which she was. Which just made it. Made it easy for me.
- [51:46]
Connell Barrett
Yeah.
- [51:47]
Jake
And so just, I think we were, we were just all over each other really, just within 30 minutes of the day. So it was, it was one of these. Oh, wow. This is one of those, One of those great connections.
- [52:00]
Connell Barrett
Yeah.
- [52:01]
Jake
And so was able to. Went to. Had a. Had a couple different, you know, things planned, so we went to a couple different bars in the area. But. But great date. And, and so, yeah, we set up several dates continuing to, to go out.
- [52:23]
Connell Barrett
Do you feel. I mean, I'm going to ask you the most loaded question in the world. Were you genuine and authentic and was it just natural on that date with her or did you use toxic planned pickup moves?
- [52:37]
Jake
No, I was, I was totally. I felt. I mean, I think at that point I, you know, I figured out how to sort of joke and tease and. But doing it, do it in an authentic way.
- [52:52]
Connell Barrett
Yeah.
- [52:54]
Jake
And it, it was. I think it was the first or it was one of those moments where, okay, there's. There are girls, There are attractive girls out there that are into me, specifically my quirky type of person that I am. So. And it just, it. It takes a little bit of going through the numbers to find them.
- [53:18]
Connell Barrett
Sure.
- [53:20]
Jake
And so. But yeah, no, I just, I felt like I was. I felt like I was being the, the creator. I was, I was, I was making jokes, telling stories, and just felt super confident having this hot girl just be super into me. And so what was your first kiss.
- [53:44]
Connell Barrett
Like or how did that happen?
- [53:47]
Jake
We were so. We. We had walked away from the bar to one of these, like, shuffleboard games where you throw the little things and try to land. And, you know, she was like, we were just joking. Oh, you're like, we, we were just joking about, you know, being good or bad. And that was, that was a bad throw. And. But we were. And you have to walk back and forth. So we were kind of flirting with each other as we were walking to either side of the shuffleboard. And yes, like, we were almost kind of forgetting the game. We were just so into each other. So it was a pretty seamless, just sort of Put my arm around her and first kiss right there in the middle of the bar. Tons of people, but it was just like nobody else was there.
- [54:39]
Connell Barrett
So, yeah, just felt like the thing to do.
- [54:41]
Jake
Yeah. Yeah. And then multiple times throughout the night, it was just felt very. Felt very natural having her, having her be super interested in me made it. Made it easy. Like, didn't have to. Didn't feel like I had to force it. I felt like I had to. I definitely had to initiate it.
- [55:01]
Connell Barrett
Okay.
- [55:02]
Jake
I think. I think that was a big thing that I had struggled with, but at this time, I was able to. Okay, she. She's clearly into me. Let's. Let's kiss.
- [55:12]
Connell Barrett
Right. I remember you learning that lesson from a previous woman who you had not initiated it with. And I forget the specifics, but basically you had to be reminded a couple times through. Through trial and error, unfortunately. Error with previous situations. Oh, I didn't lead it. I didn't escalate it. I didn't lead that dance. And then that woman lost interest, whoever she was. Obviously you learned that lesson with Ali and that you let it naturally, authentically and naturally. But you still made the decision to lead the dance, right? Yeah, I like. I think of dating as a dance and generally men and women, the masculine male essence leads the dance and the woman follows, says yes or no. And obviously she said yes to your lead. But you had to learn that, of course. And. And what a wonderful benefit. I'm going to read a text you sent me a couple weeks back. You said, great cute picture that you sent me of you and Ally. You guys are waving and giggling and smiling and you wrote me, and she is infatuated with the authentic me. Is that. Were you referring to the fact that you can talk about stuff like AI and nerdy, quote unquote, nerdy stuff, and. And creed and she's into it. Is that what you mean?
- [56:30]
Jake
Yeah, yeah, totally. I mean, and like, I think one of the things that I. I like about her, she's. She's extremely engaged and she wants to hear. Hear about what I'm interested in. And so it's. It's super enjoyable to be able to talk about those things and have her be excited about it. So. And yeah, it's awesome. It makes it really fun.
- [57:02]
Connell Barrett
And you also sent me another text message. You actually sent me a screenshot of what Allie had written you, and I'm quoting a little bit from Allie, messaging you about an upcoming little sleepover you two were planning. She wrote you that sleeping bag looks amazing all capped. I'M so excited to experience this with you. I completely agree that we both will have to be naked in that sleeping bag and I might need you to warm me up in some other ways. I'll keep it PG for now, but anyway, you are clearly with a wonderful young woman who is super into you. I'm so, I'm so proud of you. For lack of a better term, happy for you. I'm not surprised, but I'm super impressed. How does it feel to, to have your, this, this, this young woman in your life, this first girlfriend in almost 10 years? How does it feel? Fire away.
- [58:09]
Jake
Yeah, it's, it's a lot of times I'm like, is this. I, I, I sometimes try to think about, like, it's hard to imagine, you know, going 10 years without a, without a, without a girlfriend. So it's, it's, it's awesome. It's fun.
- [58:27]
Connell Barrett
I only went 30 years without it, so. Hey, no judgment here. Go ahead.
- [58:33]
Jake
I mean, it's, it's. Yeah. I mean, it was one. Dating. Dating for me has always been one of those. Felt like it was the, the wall I could never get over. And, and so it's, it's really been, yeah, awesome to, to, to feel like I've made a big leap forward in, in being able to, to get a girlfriend. And, and yeah, it's, it's, it's one of the, one of the most just enjoyable, enjoyable things that have, that I've done. So I've been really, really thankful for being able to, to do this this year and work with you. And I think like, just the, the ability to have somebody to like, focus on it with me. Like, I tried multiple years to do this, but being able to have somebody that I think you, you understood how, how my, like, you understood my problems. Like, there's, there's certain different types of problems that I think people have, and you understood my problems and were able to kind of coach me through how to, how to get through that. So it's, it's been a huge, huge confidence boost. A lot of fun. So.
- [59:58]
Connell Barrett
Well, let's end with you. Thank you. No, thank you so much. That means so much from, to hear that from you. I love you. I love ya. Sorry I'm a guy. I love you. That's better. I love you. I don't love Nickelback or Creed, but I love my man Jake. And I remember when you and I first spoke, you said, connell, I, I have this really cool house that I've worked hard on, and it's like, you know, you've done some work around the house, and you said, and I, I don't have anybody to share it with. I want to fill this house with. With love and romance. And it sounds like you've been able to do that. And we're talking right now in the middle of the holidays, so I'm so, so proud of you and happy for you. Let's end with one final tip, because the guy listening to this probably won't work with me, and that's okay. This podcast is basically a kind of a audio dating coach. So for the guy listening to this, if you had to give him one tip, one thing you want him to start doing or a tip I gave you that helped or a philosophy to adopt. No. Wrong answer. I'll give you a quick While you think about something, I'll share mine for this episode, which is ask yourself every single day, what do I want? What kind of woman do I want to be with? What kind of girlfriend do I want? What kind of person would really make my life feel even. Even more meaningful and connected? Meaningful and connected? And then take one authentic but scary action every day. Just one, you know, asking out your crush or approaching a woman or, or just saying hello to an attractive woman you see at a coffee shop. If you do one scary, uncomfortable thing every single day that is taking a step toward getting you the kind of girlfriend you want, you might be surprised how quickly or, Or. Or how fast or at least how. How effectively you can move toward that relationship. So my tip here for the end of the episode is take one courageous, authentic action every day and be moving toward a goal and an outcome of finding that wonderful girl. Woman to share your life with. That's my little parting tip. What about you final tip, Gamechanging tip you would like our listener to take away from your chat with me today?
- [62:17]
Jake
Yeah, I mean, I think. I think the tip that I would have liked to hear is just that being, like, be open to the idea that what you want in a girl and what you want in a relationship is possible. That it's. It's not like you're unworthy of it. It's not like you're incapable of attracting a girl. But it. It does take some. Some mindset work. It takes some. Some mechanics being. Being a little clunky, having those awkward moments that you just gotta, like, laugh at, but it is definitely possible for you. And I think being able to just go through that process. I mean, I would say it took. Took a good six, seven months of. A lot of focused effort A couple. A couple little relationships and, you know, failed. Failed dates, but got to that point where I understood who I was, what I wanted, and came out better on the other end. So happy. I went through the. Through that experience, and it. It was. You know, it was a work. It was. It was kind of difficult at times, but it was. It was extremely worth it. So I remember a lot of times I would get. I think one of the things that kept me hold. It held back from having dating. Dating success before was just because I would get maybe a little demotivated or, you know, lack of confidence that I could do it and get distracted on other things. But it was. It was worth it to. To kind of focus on it for. For a time period and. And have. Have that success, the taste of success.
- [64:18]
Connell Barrett
So amazing.
- [64:19]
Jake
Definitely worth it.
- [64:20]
Connell Barrett
Well, creepy loser is dead. No more loneliness. No more feelings of inadequacy. No more getting too stuck in your head about dating. Instead, you have become Jake, the creator, and you created a wonderful relationship, and I'm so proud of you. Thank you so much for being here today.
- [64:38]
Jake
Yeah. Thank you for. For being the coach and. Yeah.
- [64:43]
Connell Barrett
And thank you for standing up and telling the world about Creed. Finally. Finally, people know how great they're making a comeback. It's.
- [64:53]
Jake
It's gonna happen.
- [64:55]
Connell Barrett
All right, I'm gonna listen to Creed later in your. I'm not sure if I'm allowed to play Creed if there's a copyright thing. I'm not sure if that'll be in the audio, but I will.
- [65:04]
Jake
I will listen to Creed.
- [65:07]
Connell Barrett
If. If. If copyright allows me. I will play Creed on our way out. If it doesn't, it's not my fault. I don't want it to pay them a penny anyway. Thank you so much, Jake. And by the way, thank you for listening. And remember, your dream girlfriend. She's out there just like Jake's was, and she already likes you, but she's gonna have to meet the real, authentic you. So go out there and take courageous, authentic action. Carpe datum. Seize the date. We'll see you next.