← How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett
How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett
From ‘I’m Not Feeling It’ to ‘I Can’t Wait to See You Again’ — The 6 Levels of Flirting Mastery
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Do you not know how to flirt with women? Have you ever heard those brutal words, “I’m just not feeling it”? Your confusion ends today. For the first time, dating coach and bestselling author Connell Barrett shares the 6 Levels of Flirting Mastery,...
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That's right, me, a nerd who looks like Ron Weasley, hit it off with a model. Miracles do happen when you are competent at flirting and eventually masterful at flirting. Welcome back to the how to Get a Girlfriend podcast. I'm your host, dating coach Connell Barrett. I'm here to help you get a great girlfriend and do it with what I call radical authenticity. No sketchy, weird, pickup artist tactics needed here. Because women like you. For you, I'm recording this on Valentine's Day. And what better day than Valentine's Day to record this episode for you. I want to make you a master flirter. I want to tell you about the six levels of flirting. I want to take you from where you are now, which is probably struggling. Maybe you're confused about how to flirt. Maybe women lose interest in you, ghost you, or say things like, hey, I'm just not feeling it, but you're a nice guy. Well, today's. Today's episode. I want to help you become a master at flirting. I'm going to teach you the six levels of flirting so you know exactly what to say and what to do to make sparks fly with women. Really cool, cute women, too. And being able to do this on first dates by text, when you approach pretty much all parts of dating and stick around until the end of the episode. The very last part of this episode where I talk about level six, I'm going to tell you a really great story about how I went from level one to level five almost all the way advanced in one night and ignited some fireworks with a former model I was once on a date with. That's right, me, a nerd who looks like Ron Weasley, hit it off with a model. Miracles do happen when you are competent at flirting and eventually masterful at flirting. So let's do it. Let's get to the six levels of flirting. Let's dive in. Here is level one. Level one is one simple word play. Flirting is about playing the dictionary definition. I literally looked this up. I think it was. The Oxford English Dictionary defines flirting as playing at love. That's what it is. Flirting should be playful. But you or most guys, anyway, they're not playful when talking to women, when on a date, when texting, most guys are logical. They ask logical questions. They interrogate her in quote unquote, interview mode. But it's not just about interview mode. It's logical, analytical questions. Or maybe even if you don't ask all questions, you don't talk about fun, playful topics. Maybe you just have a nice, friendly or analytical conversation. But that is not flirting. Well, here's what it should look like. Talking to women should look like. Light, playful topics going back and forth, perhaps some teasing, playing fun little games, get to know you games, just a playful energy. So, for example, here's what it looks like. Instead of how long have you played tennis? That's a logical, analytical question. You might ask, what do you love about tennis? Or what do you hate about tennis? When do you want to throw your racket? Notice how the second one is more playful, more emotion based. And that's what this is about. Here's why this works, by the way, play equals good. Emotion also equals flirting. And women want to go on dates or text a guy on an app or be approached by a guy who's going to bring her good emotions. Women want to feel the feels, not learn the facts. All right. Early in my courtship of my girlfriend Jess, we were on. It was like in the first two to three dates, we met up in the park one day on a weekend afternoon. And we're sitting in the park with a couple of coffees. And Jess is just naturally playful and fun and flirty. She never needed a dating coach, unlike me back in the day. But we're sitting in this park and all these dogs or all these people with their dogs or some, some without their dogs are walking by us. And so I said, hey, let's play a game. The next man who walks in front of us who crosses our line here, sitting on the bench, crosses our eye line. You're going to marry that guy. She said, okay, that's my future husband. And lo and behold, about 20 seconds later, a big chubby guy who looked like Elvis walked by. Think, think. Late stage Elvis. Chubby, big sideburns. And I said, oh, my God, you're marrying Elvis. I hope you two will be very happy together. Right? Very playful. And then we flipped the game. She said, okay, you're gonna marry the next woman who walks by. And some little old lady walked by. And I said, well, I do like older. I do like older women. So that's how we made our first. Well, it wasn't our first date. Some of those early dates, fun and playful. So, yeah, ways to be playful. Thumb wrestling, staring contests, or just talking about fun topics. The simplest way to make a date or a conversation playful is make the topics playful. That does all the work for you. So not talking about the weather, stocks and bonds, bitcoin, avoid those topics. Funerals. Talk about fun things. Talk about dogs, cats, food, favorite TV shows, or talk about Each other's favorite things to do that will make it fun. Because if she's having fun, she's going to want to see you again. Okay, that's level one. Here comes level two. Because if you're only good at level one, hey, that's a start. It's important. But you don't want to be a one trick pony in the petting zoo. Let's move to level two. Clear statements of romantic interest. That's just means. That just means using clear, simple language to let a woman know that you're romantically into her. Here's what most guys do. Most guys don't let a woman know that he finds her interesting, sexy, attractive. He plays it safe. He hides his true feelings or wants out of out of some kind of fear of being creepy. That's the thing I hear most often from guys don't want to be creepy. Well, here's something I want you to know. It is not creepy to let a woman know that you like her or like something about her and that it's romantic. In fact, you know what's creepy or at least weird? Hiding your interest. Especially if you met on a dating app. Especially if you're on a first date. What's more normal than letting a woman know you're attracted to her? A first date? It'd be weird not to. Here's why clear statements of romantic interest works and this is such an important level of flirting. Because women tend to really like a guy who is confident enough to say what he thinks. Women like men who tell it like it is generally. So you want to just say what you genuinely feel. One of the first things I tell my clients and week one call number one when we do a coaching call and dive into me helping him get his dating results and get a girlfriend is I teach him my dating. One of my philosophies, which is what I'm thinking and feeling is what I'm saying and doing. With women, you want to speak your thoughts. As long as they're not vulgar or R rated too soon, it's good, it's okay. So this works because women tend to like a really clear, direct guy who tells it like it is. You know, why do, why do so called bad boys, so called assholes do well with women? Often it's because these guys, even if they're dickish, they often just kind of tell it like it is. You know, they just say the thing that's on their mind and that's a very attractive trait and it's a very important romantic flirtatious tool, right? So clear statements of interest. I remember the first time I got this. I approached a very pretty mid-20s young woman. I remember, I believe she is a Latina. And I met her out at a bar. I approached her, we sat down, and we were about 10 minutes into a conversation that was effectively a first date. And I wanted to tell her she's sexy. I didn't quite have the balls to, so I told her that something she was into was sexy. I forget what it was, but it was something like she liked to solo travel in Europe. And I said, oh, wow, that's cool. You know people who like to do that, they're very sexy. And she leaned toward me with her eyes all big, like, encouraging me, almost like, come on, come on, Connell. And she said, so are you saying I'm sexy, Connell? She was coaching me in real time. And I said, yes, you're sexy. And she's like, thank you. She was basically saying, if you think I'm sexy, tell me. So I want you to keep this in mind. I've told this story too, but on my first date with Jess, my girlfriend Jess, we're on my rooftop and we're having a couple glasses of wine. And I was just so blown away by how witty and funny my girlfriend is. She's just as funny and witty as me, maybe more so. And I told her that. I said, you know what's really sexy about you? You're so quick witted. You're so funny. I'm just trying to keep up with you. I'm impressed. I made that clear statement of interest. I did not play a game. I didn't hold back. I didn't make her wonder that bullshit doesn't work. At least it never worked for me. And I've never seen it work in any consistent way. And Jess told me that that later really made her happy. Later told me that it really made her happy. Because every other guy is telling her he's either playing it cool or hiding his feelings. I'm the one who said, hey, you're amazing. And it's not just your appearance, it's your wit, your intelligence that is rocking my world. And she's my girlfriend now, so keep the simple rule in mind. What you're thinking and feeling is what you're saying and doing. Just make sure it's G rated, okay? What you're thinking and feeling, as long as it's not vulgar. Okay, let's go to level three, which is personally my favorite flirting level of all these. Banter, banter, banter. Fun, flirty banter on a date or in any part of dating, texting, when you approach banter, is a playful back and forth between the two of you that might involve jokes, light topics, teasing puns, just basically cracking jokes, shooting the shit back and forth. That's banter now. And it builds chemistry because it takes the two of you out of your logical, analytical heads and just gets you into the moment feeling fun, loose, playful vibes, right? And that's why it works. It creates tension. It creates an unpredictability in a good way. Like a variety. Like, like, where is this conversation going to go next? We're bouncing around from different topics. Think rom com movie characters, right? There's a reason why every rom com movie, the two leads are. Are bantering back and forth, because that's a core part of flirting. And that's how it looks. Now, what most guys do is they just don't know how to banter, so they don't even try. Or the other thing that the other mistake you might be making is you do know how to banter because. But you might not know that. You know, are you sarcastic? Then you can banter, do you roast your friends? Then you can banter. Do you like to crack jokes? Do you like dad jokes? Do you like puns? If you answered yes to any of those things, you can banter. And by the way, all you really need to do to banter is just keep topics light. Keep topics light, not heavy. Okay? And so here's a quick story about banter. In fact, I'm gonna need to grab my book to tell you this story. One second. Because there's a section in my book where I talk about a woman named Annie who I met, or yeah, I met on a dating app. And chapter five, let's see here. And this is a really good story because this is an example of me not flirting with Annie. And then I realized what I was doing. So this is an example of a situation with Annie. So I met this woman on a dating app called the League, or I should say I was messaging with her on the League. And we were messaging back and forth trying to set up a date, but we were keeping things pretty logical, not really playful in bantery. And she wrote me this. She said, and this is, we never met. She texted me, hey, sorry I won't be able to meet you. I'm talking to somebody else about a first date. But best of luck. So I read that and I thought, oh, shit, I lost. I lost Annie. Damn it. She's really pretty, really Interesting. I wanted to meet her, so I wrote back. I said, okay, Connell, let's go to banter. You haven't been bantering with her. Let's see what happens when you banter. So I wrote back, no worries at all. Glad to hear you made a love connection, but I'll have to return the engagement ring that I bought you. Engagement ring emoji. She wrote back, lol. I'm just an honest person, but, hey, perhaps it'll be a terrible date. So right there, just with one bantery line, I've got her laughing. I've got her feeling the feels, right? Then I write back, I have an idea. How about I come on the date with you and you can give the guy you like most a rose, just like on the Bachelorette. Annie writes back, lol, exclamation point. That would be different for sure. It's too bad that you and I never connected. I just don't like dating more than one guy. So here she's already starting to turn toward my way. I can tell. I can feel her feeling good and being ready to change her mind. I hope. Okay, I write back, More banter, right? No worries. I only spent. I only spent $7 on your ring, so it's okay. It's a fake diamond. Diamondoid. She wrote annie, perfect. I'm clumsy. I'd probably fall and lose the fall and lose the ring. Me. Phew. Then I dodged a bullet. I mean, if you drop the symbol of our eternal love down in the gutter, that would hurt. Broken heart emoji. She writes back, lmao, exclamation point. I can't help it. I'm clumsy. I write. That is so you, babe. It's why I proposed to you. She writes back, ha, ha, ha. You're cute. Maybe I should meet you. And then I'm writing the next text to her. My phone rings. It's Annie. She called me, and she basically said, hey, I just wanted to talk to you. How are you? How's your day? I got her super interested. She went from blowing me off to calling me. We set up a date, and two nights later, we had our first date and she spent the night. We hooked up, and we dated for a while. I'm not saying that to brag. I'm just saying I went from getting ghosted, it seemingly rejected to getting her out on a date to. And we dated for a while, had a nice, you know, wouldn't call it a relationship, but we had a little bit of a fling. And all I did was say to myself, all right, Connell, you have not been bantering. Why don't you do your job? So that is level three. Now let's move to level four. Let's take it up another notch. Let's add some real heart. Let's take it to a whole deeper level. Level four is emotional connection. Good old fashioned emotional connection. My definition of that is sharing emotional commonalities. Feeling the same feels, feeling. Sharing the same feelings or feeling the same way about things. Here's what most guys get caught up with in this area that stump that they stumble on. You might try too hard to find things in common, but don't think about facts in common, think about emotions in common. It's okay. It's good, actually. It's not a bad thing to have things in common, but you don't need informational commonalities. Just because you and she went to the same college does not mean she's going to want to date you or get attracted to you. However, if the two of you felt the same way about certain parts of college, if you found emotional commonalities, then that's what can work. So, yeah, most guys make the mistake of trying to chase stuff in common. Don't do that. The way it should look is feeling the same way about music, about hobbies, sharing your love or hate of things. On my first date with Jess, I remember how we clicked over. We both love Seinfeld, love Italian food and food in general. We feel the same way about New York City restaurants. We also hate jogging. We talked about foods we hate. She hates ketchup. I hate mushrooms. We talked about that a little bit. Not for 20 minutes, you know, five minutes, two minutes. And we felt. We found ourselves feeling the same way about things. So that's one level of emotional connection. A slightly deeper way to go a little bit deeper on level four is emotional vulnerability. Dropping your guard, opening up more, allowing a woman to see, oh my God, he gets me. He's showing his real self. On many dates, I've told women about my 9 week failed marriage and how I screwed that up. And that gave her the green light to open up about her past mistakes. And so you get two people being emotionally naked. When two people are being emotionally naked, higher degree of chance that two people will be getting actually naked. And one more quick story to show you what I'm talking about here. I had a first date with a woman named Jennifer once. Jennifer and I are different ages. We don't have a lot in common. She's into painting and art. I don't have any Visual skills in that area. We don't have the same music in common. We have almost nothing in common in terms of individuals information. But here's how we connected emotionally. We were talking and opening up a little bit and we discovered that we were both the ugly duckling when we were kids. I told her how I was. Fat kid in school. My nickname, my name is Connell Barrett. But this mean kid in school, Eric Sundermyer, called me corn oil barefat. And I had this big red afro. I was like the chunky fat kid in my school. And she said, oh my God, I'm the same way. I was chubby. They called me this name. I forget what it was, but Jennifer shared it with me. And all of a sudden she and I are literally both leaning toward each other more as we are both bonding over this shared emotional experience. It created a real emotional connection. Then our fingers intertwine. I said at one point, I said, wow, look at us, a couple of former fatties. Look how hot we are now. And as I said it, we both sort of leaned in and had our first kiss. Boom. That's what this is about. Being able to use these levels to make the good win, win romantic connection happen. Okay, what have we learned so far? Well, level one is play. Level two, clear statements of romantic interest. Level three of flirting is banter. Level four is emotional connection. And have you noticed something these about these first four levels? Notice? Maybe you're noticing that these aren't random levels. They're roughly chronological in the way things will unfold between you and that woman. Connecting. Think about it. Level one, nice and light and playful to start the interaction, the conversation, whether it's a date or by text. Level two, she impresses you. You're interested in her. You tell her, hey, you're charming. I want to have a date with you. Let's meet up. Level three, banter. You go on the date, you're bantering, it's playful, you're clicking, hitting it off. Level four, you find something to emotionally connect over. Boom. This is, this is not just random tips I'm giving you. I'm giving you stair steps to a truly deeply romantic connection with a woman. Okay. Okay, this brings us to level five. And actually the next one again is in our, in our linear arc here. It makes total sense. Which is level five, physical and nonverbal expressiveness. You know what that is? It's physical. Physically touching, of course, but it's not just the physical touch. It's non verbal right eye contact. The way you use your voice Physical proximity. This is level five. And here's what it looks like on dates for you or for many men anyway. Most guys do not touch at all. They're just afraid. They're figuratively or literally sitting on their hands and they don't have any kind of physical touch. Or some guys touch too much because they're reading their TikTok or they're watching their TikTok videos that you must break the touch barrier. And they're escalating at random times making a desperate touch. That's no good. We don't want to do that. So for level five of flirting mastery, physical and nonverbal. Here's what it looks like. It's a gradual mutual stair step escalation. She's making the moves on you as well. But you're going to have to go first because you're the boy. Boy's got to go first. Okay, Lead the dating dance. But it's gradual mutual escalation. Here's why this works. We're human. We touch. We use our voice, we express. And we, yes, we have physical. The physical need to touch each other. Now I'm not saying you need to touch on every single date. Here's an important caveat. Not every woman wants lots of touching on a date. Some women might not want any, but I've noticed that the majority want at least some kind of physical expressiveness of your interest and hers back toward you on some level. Every woman's different. So you do want to calibrate. You do want to calibrate. Here's what I don't want you to do. Don't listen to the male so called experts who say you must break the touch barrier. No, you don't. It's not that. You must. Different women have a different blueprint, right? Every woman wants physical touch at some point. It's dating. This is moving toward physical eventually. But you don't necessarily have to do it every time. Here's what you want to do. You want to at least try low level physical and nonverbal flirting and see how she responds. Okay, here's a quick story. Former client Trevor, he was stuck in the friend zone big time. That's why he hired me to be his coach. So I'm coaching him up. He has a date with a woman named Becca. And part of what I coached him to do is progressive out escalation with while noticing how she's feeling. So he goes on the date. Cool little candlelit, dark wine bar. I know it well because I sent him there. He's A New Yorker and I knew this place well. He sits down with. With Becca. 10, you know, he. A little hug, hello. 10, 15 minutes later, he high fives her. He's making a point, expresses his point by touching her shoulder. She touches him back. He touches her knee. At one point, she touches back. They high five each other. Then maybe he's brushing the hair out of her eyes. An hour in, she's touching back. He. I remember this detail. At one point he said that she threw her leg over his leg. So that's super intimate, right? Throwing a leg over your leg. That's very intimate. And that only happened because he had been going up these physical, non verbal. Sorry, this physical escalator. And then by the end of their date, she was sitting on his lap and they were making out. Pretty good date, right? Here's a different story I want to tell you about a woman named Vanessa. I dated briefly. It was just a little fling. It was a one week fling I had in California. We had a first date at a really cute patio bar right on the Pacific Ocean in Venice. Venice Beach. And Vanessa and I met at this bar. And I remember, I just remember being really attracted to her and letting that come out in my eye contact. And I. I just must have been giving her like a wolfish, A wolfish look in my eyes because about the. And I was doing other things well as well. I was doing these other levels. But I just remember looking at her like, you know, with my desire. And she paused and kind of like almost like blushed a little bit. And she said, you're looking at me like I'm dessert. I still remember that. You're looking at me like I'm dessert. And she said it with attraction. Okay, fast forward a few minutes. Half hour later, we leave the hotel. Sorry. We leave the patio bar, walk back to my hotel, which was actually really close by. And she was unbuttoning her shirt, her top in the hallway before I could get my hotel room door open. That's how turned on and how romantically intense it was getting. I never had a woman start to undress in the hallway before. I am not saying this to you to brag or be like I'm hooking up with girls. I just want to. I'm not trying to impress you. I want to impress upon you the, the power of physical and non verbal expressiveness, especially as you calibrate it over the course of a date. So. But again, it's about calibration. We start small and escalate it. Right. Don't go from zero touch to human octopus without any calibration. No bueno. No bueno. Okay, big finish. That leads us to level six. Level six. Let's call this integration and calibration Level six. This is where you have achieved flirting mastery, integration and calibration. What this means is all of these five levels you have now integrated and can do them at will and sometimes combine them, which I'll share what that means in a second. But also you can calibrate. You can read the woman and know what to do when. Here's what most guys do, by the way, when I should that not most guys. Here's what many guys do when they do learn flirting moves from whatever their source is. They try random flirting moves, you know, throwing spaghetti against the wall. They do the physical touch thing because so many coaches say that, or they say some planned, naggy, cocky line, which can work like in a vacuum moment, I suppose. But basically these guys are throwing spaghetti against the wall. Real flirting mastery is when you can integrate these moves. They become automatic within reason, or at least you can call on them and know what to do when you need to do it. And also you do it based on reading her and also reading yourself. That's when you're a flirting master. So, yeah, Let me share with you what this looks like. Here's a good story that I can best explain this. I had a first date once with a woman named. I will call her Rachel. Rachel, 5 10, gorgeous, former model, long brunette hair. Just dynamite. Just dynamite. And we had a first date and we're sitting at this venue, a rooftop lounge. We're sitting on the couch together and we're about 90 minutes into a date and it's going fine, but it's not going great. My banter was good because I'm a good bantery guy. I'm a good verbose person. However, it wasn't really clicking with her. It wasn't really quote, unquote, working. And we're about 90 minutes in and I remember thinking to myself, I need to change up something here. This isn't working. Because what was happening was I was staying in my comfort zone. My comfort zone is level one playful, and level three, banter. Those are the two things that are just knee jerk reflexive for me if I'm with a woman or what when I was dating. But that wasn't enough for Rebecca. Okay, former model. She's not a big bantery person. And I remember thinking, I got to change the game. So, Rebecca. I'm sorry, Rachel. Rachel's her name. Rachel Stands up and says, I'll be right back. I'm gonna go to the ladies room. As she walks to the ladies room, I'm watching her walk because, damn. And I remember thinking to myself, that is the sexiest walk I have seen in years. And I remember thinking to myself, hold on to that, Connell. Tell her that when she comes back. Rebecca comes. Sorry, Rachel. I have a friend named Rebecca. Rachel comes back. She sits down next to me, and I throw my arm over her shoulder, and I say that. And I say, you have the sexiest walk I have seen in years. So what am I doing there? I'm combining two levels. In one, I'm using a clear statement of intent set. You have a sexy walk. In other words, you are sexy. And I've thrown my arm over her shoulder so she can feel my physical proximity, and I'm whispering in her ear with a little bit of a breathy voice, hey. And so I'm giving her clear statement of interest and physical escalation, which I hadn't done all night. I had not done anything physical all night, nor had I said anything clear with clear statement of interest. This changed everything. Rachel leans in, she puts her hand on my chest, torso, and she sort of melts into me. And she whispered, kind of whisper purred. What? Well, I know how to walk because I used to, you know, be a model, and I know how to walk. I learned how to walk a certain way on the Runway. And then now, all of a sudden, everything has changed. It's gone from, you know, 58 degrees to 99 in a good way. And I said, oh, well, you certainly do know how to walk. And I just need to tell you that you're making it very hard for me to be a gentleman. And I stressed the word hard, obviously. Double entendre. And she threw her head back and laughed. What my. What am I doing there? I'm adding a third level here. Banter, double entendre. Making a I'm hard joke. You're making it hard joke. That's banter. So we got banter. We got physical, nonverbal, and we got clear statements of romantic in intent, all basically in about 15 seconds. And everything changed. She's fallen into me, we kiss, we make out, and I. I went from the friend zone. I was on the path to the friend zone. She was, I'm certain, about to friend zone me. But knowing these levels got me out of the friend zone and got me into fireworks zone. Okay? And it was amazing. It was just amazing. The bartender was looking at us like dude, guys, get a room. So that is what mastery looks like. Or at least that was mastery for me in that moment. And that was the night where I literally went from basically level one to level five. And the cool thing about it is you can decide to do it. Understanding these levels, understanding how to incorporate them, you finally get some. Some agency and consistency and control over your flirting strategy. I hope these all make sense. So those are the six levels. Now most guys just bounce around from tip to tip, trick to trick, wondering what to try next. That is not mastery. What I wanted to give you today was like a whole arc. A whole arc, a whole toolbox, so that you know how the process of romantic connection between a man and a woman unfolds. Or at least how it can unfold from play to romantic intent to some banter to connection to physicality, how you can blend all these together. This is when flirting stops feeling random and starts feeling intentional. Okay, so I hope this has helped you. One final caveat. Don't feel like you have to do all seven at once. I'm not saying you have to. You might go on a date and you just banter a bit and she's super into you. That's more than enough. Or you might go on a date. Maybe you're not a bantery guy. Maybe you're not Mr. Banter. Maybe you're someone who more prefers to just, you know, speak your thoughts, be bold, be blunt, look her in the eye and say, hey, you know what's really sexy about you, Amanda? I just love how ambitious you are. That's hot. And if she's. If you see her respond to that, you can move in for the kiss right then and there. You don't need to use all seven on the same date. I'm just saying I want you to understand the seven levels so that you can get as competent. Get competent first. That's more than enough to get a great girlfriend. And then if you just want to go deep down the rabbit hole, this is how to become masterful. Hey, if you want to have me teach you directly, one on one, how to take your flirting to a masterful place, then go to my website, a little place called datingtransformation.com. so much of what I do with my clients is I help them by text on dates when they approach. Just become absolutely amazing at flirting, magnetic, or at least competent and good enough. And then some guys want to go to elite levels. You don't need to be a master, but you do need. You do need to flirt. You do need to flirt. So if you want my help doing that, you can book a free consultation call with myself or somebody from my team and we can share with you how that would work. It's a free call. There's absolutely no obligation to do anything other than talk and let me know what your dating goals are. So you can go to datingtransformation.com to book that free call and I will talk to you next time. Happy Late Valentine's Day.