← How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett
How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett
From No Dates to 2 Dates a Week: New Strategies to Fill Your Dating Dance Card
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Has it been months—or even years—since you had a first date with an incredible woman? In this episode of “How to Get a Girlfriend,” dating coach and bestselling author Connell Barrett explains why your options are scarce, and how to fix it. He’ll walk...
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Look at your dating life like you're launching a business. You're relaunching your love life. Except it's not a business, It's. It's you. The product is you, the authentic you. Welcome back to the how to Get a Girlfriend podcast. I'm your host, dating coach Connell Barrett. I'm here to help you gain confidence, get a lot more dates and flirt with women, and eventually get a great girlfriend by being authentic. No sketchy pickup artist moves needed. And this episode is for you. If you are dateless, if it's been a long time since you've had a first date, or at least a first date with a woman you're really excited about, if there is simply a scarcity of romantic options in your life, today's episode will share with you why this is happening and how you can change that. So you can start getting a lot of dates or at least start going on one or two dates a week with some women you're excited about because, hey, life's too short. Life's too short to be lonely. In my opinion. Life's too short to spend it struggling. And I want you to get as many dates within reason as you want. Now, most of the guys who work with me, when we hop on our first coaching call and I get guys really clear on, hey, what is your ideal amazing dating outcome? Most guys say to me, okay, I want at least one, maybe two dates a week with some really stylish, intelligent, but just good hearted women, good personality with a woman who has her own career. She's sweet, she's bubbly. A lot of my clients like bubbly women, which is great. And we start with the end in mind. We're like, hey, let's get you a couple dates a week so that you can get to the point where you're going on dates with a few different women. Not that you need to be a player or be some kind of a pickup player. That's certainly not what I'm about. But what I do want for you is to have an abundance of options to have at any given time, to be able to have one to three women you're talking to going on dates with quote, unquote, seeing. So that when you meet the woman who blows you away, you can say to yourself, okay, Heather was fine, but we didn't really have that great spark. Allison, oh my gosh, she was incredible. But you know, she lives too far away from me. Oh, but Jessica, she is pretty, she's sweet, she's smart. We can't keep our Hands off each other. I want her to be my girlfriend. That's how you choose an incredible girlfriend, is have some good options in your dating on your dating dance card and then get to that mutual point where you and she see each other as hell. Yeah, I'm choosing this woman from some wonderful options, an abundance of options. And she's choosing you from an abundance of options. So that's what I want for you. So today's episode, I'm going to talk to you about what your dating funnel looks like right now, probably, and what we want it to look like. I call it a dating funnel because I want you to think of this. For today's episode, let's use a business analogy, a business analogy of funnels. When a business opens its doors to the public, it needs multiple channels that create its business funnel. You know, it needs word of mouth, TV commercials, podcast commercials, social media ads, all the different ways that a business brings quality clients and customers into the front door. Similarly, I want you to think of your dating life for today's episode, sort of like a, a business funnel for, like a business that a business would launch. We want to bring women into your dating life through these multiple channels. I'll tell you what those channels are in two minutes. First, here is a moment from my dating past when I realized, wow, I have abundance, baby. I've got it all going on. I so as you might know, if you know anything about this podcast, you might know that I struggled mightily with dating way into my 30s. I'm an introverted, naturally introverted guy. I'm a ginger. And I just felt like women don't want me. Women don't want to be approached by me. I just didn't have dating confidence. I thought I was too shy, too skinny, too kind of nice, boring. And then I started to meet women in a few different ways. I started hiring coaches, help me approach women. So I started meeting women from approaching day and or night. I talk a lot about this in my book. The opening chapter of dating sucks, but you don't is the story about me approaching women for the first time. And while I did that or concurrently with approaching women, I I looked at my online dating profiles and I looked at and I overhauled those to the best of my ability to get more good options coming in through online dating. And I also, back in the day when I was single, I was really into improv. I started taking improv classes at a couple theaters here in New York City, practicing improv, comedy, musical improv. I just love musical theater and I remember there was a moment in the early 2000 and tens and the early teens. I had three dates in a row, three nights in a row, three different women. I had a date from approaching a woman I had met out at a bar in New York City. Beautiful woman who was a tv, local TV reporter, very pretty on camera reporter. I forget her name. I think it might have been Angela. It's been many years. But anyway, I had a date one night with her from a girl who I'd approached the next night. I think it was a Friday night. So Thursday night it was a pretty interesting, successful woman from approaching. Friday night I had a date who I had met from match.com and then Saturday night I met a third woman for a third date three nights in a row. And the third woman was a woman I had met through taking improv classes. She was part of the improv community that I was a part of at the time. And so think about this. We got Thursday, Friday and Saturday. Thursday night, a woman I'd approached. Friday night online dating. Saturday night improv theater, which I'll call Social Circle. Each of these three women came from a different channel of my dating funnel. Here's what I want you to do right now is write this down. Write down dating Funnel. Write down three channels. Channel number one, approaching. Channel number two, online dating channel number three, social circle. Those are the three primary ways to meet women in 2025. Those are the three ways most people are meeting women now. Back in the day, by which I mean 20th century, a lot of people met at work. That still happens from time to time, but not as often. And you can do things like hire matchmakers, you can go to speed dating events. But basically your dating funnel, these three channels, potentially three channels that you can activate to create an abundance of dating options for you. They're going to come from these three channels to create your overall funnel. Online dating approaching and social circle. Now you and I know what approaching means. It means you're out in the wild, you're at a bar, you're at the gym, you're at a coffee shop on Saturday afternoon and you walk up to an intriguing woman and get a date that way. I love teaching that because that's so powerful and freeing. And then of course, dating apps, online dating, you know what that's all about? That's a second channel. And in fact, the online dating channel of this funnel has multiple sub funnels, right? Because you can be on as many apps as you want. So that's exciting for potential abundance. And the third Funnel, it's not as sexy. I don't talk about it as much here on the podcast, and I barely mention it in my book because it's not super. It's not nearly as sexy as approach beautiful women with confidence, but it's super effective. Social circle dating means that you're meeting women through being part of the same group. In my case, I joined this in these improv theater communities and I met women in improv classes. Let's call that social circle. I was also. Also getting fixed up, Getting fixed up by mutual friends. That's social circle dating. You go to a birthday party and everybody knows each other. You're celebrating your best friend's birthday, but you meet a woman you'd never met before. Let's call that social circle. You take a cooking class. It's you and 15 other people. You meet a woman in cooking class. Social circle. So social circle is a longer play, but it's really powerful and really effective. And so those are the three channels of your dating funnel. So look at your. Look at your dating funnel right now. How many dates, if any dates are you getting through which funnel Channel? If you're like most men, the only channel you're really taking any kind of action on is online dating, because that's become so socially prevalent. And it's what everybody does, right? Everybody's on the apps almost, or at least at some point, almost everybody. Until you get so tired of the apps that you throw your phone against the wall and quit forever. But anyway, so there's a good chance that you are currently only even trying on the dating apps. And it's just good to understand, okay, what are the three funnels? This is what they are. So you can look at your dating funnel and say, well, where's the chokehold? If you are lacking in dates, then there's a chokehold on some or all of these funnels. Most men who work with me, or at least most men who get on the phone with me to talk about working with me, I find out, okay. All I do is I basically audit their. Their dating funnel, kind of like auditing a business's business funnel. And I say, okay, how many dates have you had from online dating in the last year? 1, 2, 5, 10? 0. If it's 0 or if it's 0 quality leads from the dating apps, you've got a chokehold on your dating profile. Something is holding you back from getting good matches. It's almost certainly your profile. If you are not approaching women, which most men are not at all, then there's the obvious chokehold there. And then the third piece is social circle, which most men are not consciously trying to pursue. So I just want you to know that you have a whole, potentially all these. This floodgate, a floodgate of first dates that can come your way once you get one, even just one. Getting one of these funnels activated can start getting you a date or two per week. Get two or three going, then you get that abundance. And that's the purpose of my anecdote. Earlier, I had a Thursday night date from approaching Friday night from online dating. Saturday night was a cute girl I met in my improv class. That was when I realized, wow, I've got this fully operational dating funnel. And that's what gives you abundance, an abundance of dating options. Not to be a player, not to be a player, but just to say, hey, I have options now. And the beautiful thing about having options is it takes so much pressure off of any given first date. Scarcity sucks. Scarcity sucks. Having one good date every six months, it puts so much pressure on you. You feel like, I got to do well. Will she like me? Who knows when my next good option will come? It's just. It creates settling. Scarcity creates all kinds of dating problems. But when you have an abundance of options, man, that feels so good. It takes pressure off that first date. You can relax, you feel more loose. You might be interested in her, but you can become a lot more free from outcome and loose and authentically, awesomely you. If you know you have five more dates coming in the next couple weeks if you want them. It takes so much of the pressure off, which paradoxically allows that first date with that woman you're meeting. If you're really excited about her, it makes it go better because she can feel that you don't need it to work. So abundance removes neediness, it cures settling, and it just makes you feel like a dating millionaire. So that's what I want for you. I want you to get that funnel fully operational, or at least as operational as you want. So let me give you one strategy each for each of these three channels of your dating funnel. One, I would say the first strategy, the first step for each one to get all three of these pieces going for you. Or if you want to pick and choose, that's totally fine as well. But hey, I like to be ambitious. I like to say, let's think big. And I want you having three dates in a row, three nights in a row with three different women, if you want to, or at least have the options to be able to have multiple one or two dates a week until you get your girlfriend. So let's talk about these three funnels, and I'll give you a quick strategy for each one. Let's start with the one that's closest to my heart. Approaching. Approaching women is. Was the thing I was. I struggled with the most. It's what made me hire coaches. When I first was working on my dating life, I wanted to be able to approach women I saw out in the world because that. That just. It had so much reward. It was difficult, but I loved the challenge. So let's start with the approaching funnel first. What is the most important first step you need to take with approaching? Well, it's two sides of a coin, mindset and mechanics. I'm going to give you kind of two tips in one, but let's call it one strategy. Let's look at two sides of this coin. The mindset you need for approaching, the most important mindset is some variation of, I am enough. Women are going to want to meet me. I have worth and romantic worth to women. That's the mindset you need with approaching. It's the most important mindset. I am not unworthy of love. I'm not ugly. I'm not too short. I'm not not enough. I have so much to offer. So you really need to find a way to look at yourself and say, what do I bring to the table? Why will lots of women be into me? So focus on something that you know you offer, whatever that might be. You're kind, you're intelligent, you're funny, you have a steady job. Look for ways to fill up your. Your sense of worth. Because if you approach a woman and you are petrified that you're not good enough for women or a woman like that, then you are done. It's not going to work. She's going to smell that insecurity, like, you know, too much Drakkar Noir like I wore in high school. So for approaching, you need to begin to get in touch with, hey, I'm worthy, I'm enough. Maybe I'm not a male model. Maybe I'm not a millionaire. Maybe I'm just a nice, nerdy software engineer, or maybe I'm just a regular dude. But you got to find things that you bring to the table. And the other side of that coin for approaching is you have to take action. You cannot think your way or wish your way into approaching women. You have to decide to do it. And the simplest way to decide to do it is to decide to do it every day, you take 10 seconds of courage and you notice a woman out in the world, day or night, wherever you might be. And you break the ice with her using good old fashioned courage. And you say something genuine and authentic and gee rated. You say, hey, excuse me. You are absolutely interesting and stylish and I wanted to meet you or you're adorable. I had to say hi to you. Something honest, something real, something vulnerable. That will take courage. You're not going to have some scripted planned pickup line. At least not. That's not the advice I'll give you. But you want to say something genuine and real. And you, you can be really honest with women too. You can say, hi, I actually have social anxiety. It's. It's hard for me to talk to people. But I wanted to meet you. Hi, I'm name that can work so well. And even when it doesn't quote work in terms of getting a result, it feels really good because you're facing the thing you're afraid of and you're bringing a real pure, genuine good energy to that woman. And most women are flattered, even if they're not available or not interested. So the first thing you need to do to activate your approaching funnel is you need to say to yourself, I am worthy. I bring some things to the dating table. Give yourself specific reasons. They have to be specific. Your brain needs proof. Your brain needs proof that you're enough. It can't just be like, I am good. I am a good guy. No, it's gotta be like, I'm intelligent, I drive a cool car. Well, don't use that. That sucks. I have a steady job. I'm a super single dad. I'm funny, I can cook an amazing French toast with bourbon infusion, French toast sticks, whatever it is, find ways that you bring a lot to the a woman's dating table. And then you've got to start taking daily action. If I could. If I could boil everything I teach down to one sentence. I said this in the last episode. I'll say it again. One sentence. Take authentic, courageous, romantic risks every day. And that's what approaching brings to you. Yeah, that's the opportunity it brings to you. So to activate that first part of your funnel approaching, get in touch with your worth to women and take one authentic, courageous action every day. Starting with approaching. Break the ice with a woman. Give her a compliment, a question, or make some kind of observation. Or if nothing else, just say, hi, I wanted to meet you. I'm nervous, I'm shy. But I had to say hi to you and then let the chips fall. Okay, let's switch over to your online dating channel of your dating funnel. I'm not going to say anything terribly profound here. The most important thing for your online dating success is that first photo. And that first photo should be an amazing portrait of you. A photo taken with natural light, not in the studio. You want to be well dressed and you want to be looking at the camera, looking at the lens and smiling a real authentic smile. Not a LinkedIn say cheese smile. Your first photo should not be some random selfie you grabbed off your phone. Here's what your first photo should look like. Imagine you are going to be on the COVID of GQ magazine, Esquire magazine. If you were going to do a photo shoot to be on the COVID of GQ or Esquire or Men's Health, what would you wear and what would that photo look like? It should be that good, well dressed, looking at the camera, well lit. And that's what, that's what starts to bring women into your, your match queue. That first photo has to be a kick ass, awesome portrait so you can hire a photographer to take it. You don't have to though. You can just get a friend who knows their way around a, an iPhone, how to take a good photo. But think to yourself, okay, if I was going to be on the COVID of gq, what would that photo look like? What would I wear? How would I smile? And again, you want to make that, that smile authentic and genuine. Don't. If you feel stiff and frozen when taking the photo, you want to loosen up a little bit. Yeah, something happens. A woman, something happens inside of a woman when she sees that first photo. And you're caught in a genuine moment of laughter, a candid, real moment. It just makes her. Your face, your whole face lights up and that lights her up. I've had so many women match with me and so many women have said, connell, I just love your smile. Something about your smile I just had to match with you. And I think what she's really saying is I was authentically caught in a real genuine smile. It wasn't like, say cheese, it was real. So that's the most important first step for online dating is having that kick ass opening portrait. Here's a quick PS step, a second step for online dating. It's a mindset tip which is to understand that online dating is very competitive. There's two, sometimes three men for every woman on a typical dating app. So it is competitive. It is a seller's market for women on the dating apps. Pre accept that. Just pre accept that it is difficult. It's not impossible though. And frankly, you don't have to have the world's best profile. You just have to have one that puts you in the top 10% of men. So just pre accept that online dating is difficult. It's. I should say it's competitive and it can be very difficult. But. But hey, great things in life are worth doing, right? Even difficult things because they're difficult. So there's your mindset tip about online dating and here's your let's look at your social circle funnel couple options here. For the first step, I would say you can do one of two things to get your social circle funnel activated. One thing the fastest thing you could do actually is you could write down a list of five people, you know, good friends or family members gravitating toward women. Although you don't have to limit yourself and but come up with a list of five people who are on your team who, like you, care about you and send them an email or a text message and say, hey, just so you know, I am looking to date. I'm single and I'm looking to mingle. And if you know any incredible women who are as awesome as I am, please let me know. I'm open to being set up and fixed up if she's awesome. So you could reach out to five people, you know, I would gravitate toward women, you know, if possible. Women tend to be very into playing matchmaker and, and God bless women for being that way. Now, men are not against it, but it's more of a gal thing than a guy thing. So. But whether as men or women, you can reach out to, say, five people, you know, and you're creating these mini matchmakers for you. These mini matchmakers, friends or acquaintances who are on the lookout for somebody who you might want to be fixed up with. And I have found that so many women especially love playing matchmaker. They just love helping a friend, a male friend out to connect you to somebody who might to one of her female friends or somebody she knows. So that's probably the fastest thing you can do today to possibly get a date pretty soon is you reach out to five people and say, hey, do you want to be my matchmaker? And you have to be vulnerable with this. Look, you have to be vulnerable. You have to admit that that's what you're looking for. But it's not needy to offer to ask this. In my opinion, it's actually really healthy to reach out to people and say, hey, I'm looking to date again. Looking to find somebody wonderful. If you know somebody great, keep me in mind and you know, then you can connect us. And the other strategy for activating your online dating, sorry, your social circle funnel channel of the funnel is. And this is fun. Ask yourself what kind of hobby or activity do I do I want to add to my life or at least test out that would involve women being a part of it, but that I will enjoy. So what sort of course might you want to take? Do you want to take a cooking class? You can take an acting class. You can take an improv class. I highly recommend taking an improv class if you have an improv studio theater near you. Other than working with me, other than working with a great dating coach, taking an improv class is something I recommend every single guy does. At least as a one off test. But it can be. Join the soccer league that has women playing soccer every week in your soccer league or the volleyball league. Take a cooking class. I used to go to a bowling league on Wednesday nights that was jam packed with absolute gorgeous cute girls. And we were bowling. It's like fun. So you want to choose a passion. Let's call this a passion project. It's a passion project that's like dating adjacent. So that way if you take this acting class, cooking class, pickleball, something, choose something that very likely has that that women will be a part of. Because obviously this is about your dating life, but that even if you don't find somebody, you end up dating from this class or our vehicle, you're still going to get value from it. You're going to be taking the reading the book club, you're going to be reading the new book at the book club or learning how to cook Italian food, or taking the group tennis class, whatever it might be, Whatever your passion project you choose, no matter what happens, even if you don't meet the one or get dates from it, you've still grown as a man and that's got real value to you. And then you might actually find somebody to date. I have mainly used, not used, but I mainly dated women from my social circle through this improv community I was a part of. That's not why I joined the community. I joined the community because I wanted to try improv and I thought it was going to be a blast. But I dated several incredible women from this improv community and I have also. I did bowling leagues. I was in a tennis league a couple years ago. I didn't date anybody because I have a girlfriend. But I remember this weekly tennis league I was a part of in the winter. There were some incredible women, really pretty and successful and great sociable. And I was thinking, oh, wow, if I was single, this would be a great place to. To meet women and play tennis. So those are some strategies. Bottom line is you can decide today just to look at your dating life and say, I am done with scarcity. I am done with a lack of dates or a lack of quality options. And I'm going to start filling up my dating dance card. How? Look at your dating life like you're launching a business. You're relaunching your love life. Except it's not a business. It's you. The product is you, the authentic you. And the way to bring a lot of wow. Girls into your dating life is to look at it through this lens of a funnel, online dating approaching and social circle. So choose one or all of these three channels, get your dating funnel activated, and get going on some dates. Because your dream girlfriend, she's out there, bro, and she's gonna love you. But she's gonna have to meet the real, most authentically awesome you. Okay? Until next time.