How to Meet and Talk to Your Dream Woman—and How Jason Dated a Lakers Cheerleader! (Live Coachin

Summary

Episode Summary: "How to Meet and Talk to Your Dream Woman—and How Jason Dated a Lakers Cheerleader! (Live Coaching)"

Podcast Title: How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett
Host/Author: Connell Barrett
Release Date: February 4, 2025

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Introduction to the Episode

In this engaging episode of the How to Get a Girlfriend Podcast, renowned dating coach Connell Barrett delves deep into a live coaching session with his client, Jason, who has recently achieved a remarkable success: dating a LA Lakers cheerleader. Connell uses this real-life example to illustrate effective strategies for overcoming common dating challenges such as approach anxiety, inconsistent motivation, and difficulties in texting and follow-ups.

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Main Challenges Discussed

1. Overcoming Approach Anxiety

Jason initially struggled with approach anxiety, making it difficult for him to confidently approach women. This anxiety often led him to avoid taking action consistently.

Jason (00:00): "I did 40 approaches in one week."

Connell highlights Jason’s journey from hesitancy to successfully approaching a high-profile individual, showcasing the effectiveness of persistent practice.

2. Maintaining Motivation and Consistency

Jason experienced fluctuating motivation, with periods of high enthusiasm followed by sudden drops in confidence, resulting in inconsistent efforts.

Jason (07:00): "I feel like I have these successes in waves... and then I just have these periods where I feel like I reset."

Connell addresses this by emphasizing the importance of commitment and discipline in maintaining consistent action despite fluctuating emotions.

3. Texting and Follow-ups

Jason encountered challenges in managing texting etiquette, often missing responses due to delayed replies, which led to potential missed connections.

Jason (48:54): "I've noticed a couple times they miss the text, so maybe they'll miss the text the next morning."

Connell introduces the Three Times Rule to encourage persistent yet respectful follow-ups without appearing needy.

4. Closing and Setting Up Dates

While Jason was adept at initiating conversations, he struggled with closing interactions to set up concrete dates, often defaulting to vague invitations.

Jason (56:20): "It's just a matter of the closing where I just let the nerves take over."

Connell provides actionable strategies to confidently transition from conversation to setting up specific dates, reducing ambiguity and increasing commitment.

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Coaching Strategies and Tips

1. Lowering the Bar for Openers

Connell advises lowering the expectations for opening lines to reduce pressure and increase authenticity.

Connell (10:12): "If you have a witty, awesome thing... just say whatever's on your mind. As long as it's genuine."

Jason's approach to being honest about not knowing what to say led to a successful interaction, demonstrating the power of vulnerability.

2. The Three Times Rule for Follow-ups

This rule encourages sending up to three follow-up messages to elicit a response without coming across as desperate.

Connell (20:02): "The three times rule is don't assume or think you've been ghosted until you have taken three good swings at the first date plate."

Jason successfully applied this rule, resulting in positive outcomes.

3. Commitment to Weekly Approaches

Connell recommends a weekly commitment to approaching a set number of women to build momentum and discipline.

Connell (24:48): "Make it a weekly commitment... like a half dozen a week maybe."

This structured approach helps maintain consistency and reduces the impact of motivational fluctuations.

4. Balancing Authenticity and Risk

Connell emphasizes the importance of being authentic while taking strategic risks to create memorable interactions.

Connell (30:32): "What's risky is safe. And what's safe is risky."

This philosophy encourages stepping out of comfort zones to foster deeper connections.

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Successes and Breakthroughs

Jason's breakthrough moment came when he applied Connell’s advice to approach a LA Lakers cheerleader with genuine vulnerability, which led to a successful date despite previous challenges.

Jason (00:00): "I did 40 approaches in one week."

Connell celebrates this achievement as a testament to the effectiveness of persistent, authentic efforts in dating.

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Practical Advice for Listeners

Connell shares several practical strategies for listeners to implement in their own dating lives:

• Be Genuine and Vulnerable: Authenticity resonates more than rehearsed lines.

  Connell (35:44): "What’s safe is actually risky because you risk not creating any kind of emotional impact."

• Set Specific Commitments: Establish measurable goals, such as approaching a certain number of women weekly.

  Connell (24:48): "Make a commitment to yourself every week that you're going to talk to XYZ number of girls."

• Follow-Up Strategically: Use humor and pointed questions to elicit responses without seeming desperate.

  Jason (23:04): "I send a gif of the old woman from the Titanic movie... I've gotten some great reactions."

• Close with Confidence: Transition conversations into actionable plans with clear dates and specifics.

  Connell (52:01): "Assert what you want until you get it in a way you and she are into."

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Conclusion and Takeaways

This episode offers a comprehensive look into the practical application of Radical Authenticity in dating. Through Jason’s experiences and Connell’s expert guidance, listeners gain valuable insights into overcoming approach anxiety, maintaining consistent motivation, mastering follow-ups, and confidently closing interactions to set up meaningful dates.

Key Takeaways:

1. Persist Through Anxiety: Regular practice reduces approach anxiety over time.
2. Stay Committed: Set weekly goals to maintain momentum despite fluctuating motivation.
3. Be Authentic: Genuine interactions build deeper connections than scripted lines.
4. Strategic Follow-ups: Use the Three Times Rule to respectfully pursue desired outcomes.
5. Confident Closures: Clearly and confidently set up dates to solidify connections.

By embracing these strategies, listeners can transform their dating lives, confidently approaching and connecting with their dream women authentically and successfully.

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Notable Quotes:

• Jason (00:11): "Did you get an LA Lakers phone number? Yeah, I went on a date."
• Connell (09:05): "Lower the bar for how good you think your opening line has to be if you're going to say hi to an attractive woman out in the world."
• Jason (07:22): "I could have so much momentum for like three or four days straight, and then I just have these periods of where I feel like I reset."
• Connell (30:32): "What's risky is safe. And what's safe is risky."
• Jason (56:53): "I have to work on the closing element... I feel like I wait for too many signs to take action."

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By following Connell Barrett's expert advice and Jason's real-world experiences, listeners are equipped with actionable tools to enhance their dating skills, build confidence, and ultimately find lasting romantic connections.

Transcript

[Jason]

There's like, a random Thursday after, like, a month of not approaching, I'll go up to LA Lakers cheerleader in Target, approach her, get her number, and then we go on a date. I'm like, what the hell? I did 40 approaches in one week.

[Connell Baritz]

Did you get an LA Lakers phone number?

[Jason]

Yeah, I went on a date. Went on a date.

[Connell Baritz]

Okay. Welcome back to the how to Get a Girlfriend podcast. I'm your host, dating coach Connell Baritz. I am here to help you flirt with confidence, get more dates, know exactly what to say, how to talk to women, and get a great girlfriend and do about being authentic. No sketchy pickup nonsense needed. This is about dating with authenticity, with vulnerability, with integrity. Because guess what? Women like you for you. They really do. And today's a really special episode because I'm gonna pull the curtain back on what I do as a dating coach. You're going to be able to listen in on a coaching session I did with my incredible client, Jason. Jason is a great guy. He lives in Southern California. He used to live in New York. He's now in SoCal, and he's now in LA. And he and I have been working together for a little while. He first came to me, he was dealing with two big problems. He had really bad approach anxiety. He could not walk up to a woman and talk to her in any kind of flirtatious way. He has now done it many, many times. In the episode you're about to listen to, he talks about approaching an LA Lakers cheerleader and getting her number. Those are the moments that make me so happy to be a coach. It's like, hey, Connell, I got a date with an LA Lakers cheerleader. I'm like, oh, my God, that's priceless to me. He was also struggling with how to talk to women. Like, what the heck do you say on a date? Or what the heck do you say when you approach a woman? And here's a really quick story, and then we'll get to the episode and you can hear me coaching Jason. There's some really good tips in here for Jason and of course for you, about how to text women, how often to text women, how to message them, how to approach, what to say, what not to say. But I want to tell a really quick story about Jason. So I do in person coaching in New York City and sometimes in Los Angeles, I go out for a whole weekend. I call it the wingman weekend, where we go out for a weekend, and I'm literally your coach, side by side, shoulder to shoulder with you, helping you approach women and doing demonstrations for you and helping you get numbers and dates. That's what I do in person. That's my favorite kind of coaching to do. It's super personalized, super one on one. And I was doing that with Jason a while back and he had this fantastic breakthrough because what Jason was struggling with at the time was what do I say when I walk up? I don't know what to say. And he was trying to think of the perfect thing to say. He had this really high bar for how good he thought his approach opener had to be. And so we were out together doing our wingman weekend. We're at a bar in New York City called Jem. It's a really lively place filled with tons of really attractive women and men. And I was his wingman for the night. And he saw two women standing next to the bar and he said, I don't know what to say, Connell, what do I do? So I gave him one of my favorite exercises. I said, well, what do you, what's the most honest thing you're thinking and feeling right now? And he said, oh, the most honest thing is I don't know what to say. So I said, great, there's your opening line. Approach with that approach with vulnerability, with genuineness. And he said, okay. He kind of laughed and smiled and that relaxed him because it just seemed so absurd. He's going to walk up and just say, I don't know what to say to you. So he walks over and he says, oh, hey. He says to there's two women, one blonde, one brunette. And he said, hey, what's up? I just saw you and I don't know what to say. I'm Jason. And they said, oh, hey, what's up? I'm Sarah, I'm Emily. She barely even heard him say, I don't know what to say. All she knew was this well dressed, sincere, good hearted guy came up and was being genuine and bringing good, good, authentic vibes to the table. And less than 10 minutes later, he was making out with the brunette. 10, 10 minute almost instant bar makeout. And look, I'm not saying they fell in love, I'm not saying they're boyfriend, girlfriend, but it's a pretty good night when you can walk into a bar and be making out with a really cute brunette in less than 10 minutes. And all he did was say, hey, what's up? I don't know what to say. I'm Jason. He was vulnerable, he leaned into it. And she didn't even care that he, quote, didn't know what to say. And then he had no trouble with what to say because the hard part was over. He was talking to the really attractive woman, and they were clicking and vibing. And the lesson here I want to share with you before we get into the episode or the coaching session is lower the bar for how good you think your opening line has to be if you're going to say hi to an attractive woman out in the world. Look, if you have a witty, awesome thing that comes up in the moment, great, say that. If you don't, then just say whatever's on your mind. As long as it's genuine, as long as it's G rated, not vulgar. Right? So I love approaching or having my clients approach women with true vulnerable moments of genuineness. Like Jason just saying, hey, I don't know what to say. And then that worked. That can work. In fact, it can work really well because unlike all the other guys at the bar walking up to that brunette who were using smooth lines or trying to find the perfect thing to say, he was being really genuine and real. And genuineness, realness, authenticity, it is just so rare and priceless, and women love it. And then as soon as the approach went well, Jason completely relaxed. And then he was saying funny, cool, awesome things in addition to just normal conversation. Because the bar was now low, he knew the approach had gone well. It was going well. And then the right words came to mind. So if you're not sure what to say to a woman, say this. Excuse me, miss. I just saw you, and I don't know what to say, but I wanted to meet you. That is the deepest, truest thing you could share in that moment. And women love that. Okay, now let's get into the coaching call with my man Jason. Enjoy. All right, let's get to it. Jason. What's up, my man?

[Jason]

Hey, Donald. Good to hear from you. How you doing?

[Connell Baritz]

You too. You too. How can I serve you? Jason? What's up, bro?

[Jason]

Sure. I mean, you know, I've been practicing the material that you've taught for a little while now, and I feel as though I've now encountered some nuanced types of situations at this point in the game. So I feel like I have some. Some niche questions slash topics I'd love to, you know, kind of get your. Your guidance on.

[Connell Baritz]

Let's niche it up.

[Jason]

Yeah, I feel like I have these successes in waves. You know, there are weeks where, like, I'm killing it with pushing myself to do approaches, and then I just kind of wake up and my Brain totally resets in the sense that it's like, I feel so great and optimistic about approaching, and I'm doing it, I'm pushing myself, and I'll just wake up one day and I'm like, oh, I'm not really, like, in the mood or, oh, the. The. The approach an really just gets so much more powerful than it was the day before. And it becomes so frustrating because I could have so much momentum for like, three or four days straight, and then I just have these periods of where I feel like I reset. And then I go like a month without pushing myself to do it. And it just feels like I take one step forward and. And two steps back. And I'm not necessarily expecting you to have some magic bullet answer to this, but I guess my question is, is, is there any methods or things that you've taught or that kind of combat this? Like, oh, I'm doing really well. I'm pushing myself, but I wake up again and it resets. So I'm gonna. I'm gonna stop. Like, I hate how I find myself in this situation more often than not.

[Connell Baritz]

So you take action for a while and then you lose some motivation, doesn't feel that good to you, and then you take a break from it. Is that what you're saying?

[Jason]

Correct. It just feels like when I wake up some days, like, it just resets. No matter how much success or how much I'm starting to love the process, my brain just resets. Like, you know, the approach. Anxiety on one given day may not feel that strongly on Monday, but then a Tuesday, it's like, overpowering compared to the day before. Okay, that makes sense.

[Connell Baritz]

Here's a quick callback story that you might remember. Do you remember a night we went out a while back? This is when you were in New York and you were out with me at a. With a couple of my other clients, that we were at a bar, and you were really in your head about how to start conversations, like, what to say, how to say it. You're like, what do I say? What do I say? What's the right thing to say? And you. You felt. I could see that the anxiety was pushing back against you. You didn't really want to go approach girls. At least you wanted to know what to say. And I gave you a. A line quote, unquote, to use that night, which was to literally say exactly what you were thinking in that moment. And there were two really cute girls, and you walked up to one of them, and I believe I had you say, oh, hey, what's up. I'm Jason, and I don't know what to say to you.

[Jason]

Yeah, I do.

[Connell Baritz]

And then five, 10 minutes later, you were making out with one of them, right?

[Jason]

Yep, yep, I remember this. I. I believe it was the Gem Saloon, I call this. Yeah.

[Connell Baritz]

Fair to say that 10 minutes later, when you were locking lips with this girl you had just met, approaching felt a lot better to you than it did 10 minutes earlier.

[Jason]

Correct.

[Connell Baritz]

Right. So the way you feel in a given moment is just sort of a snapshot of your emotional state and also the story you're telling yourself at the moment. And what I would like you to do if you have those moments of, oh, man, I'm not motivated, why bother? I don't even want to go out and take action. That can change as soon as you start taking the action. And who knows? You might get a really cute girl's number or get a really fast makeout like you did that night, and then you're going to be feeling very differently. But if you say, well, I don't really. If you say, I'm only going to go out and approach women when I feel like it or when I'm in the zone, then you're. How often are you going to feel like you're in the zone and really feel like it? Maybe rarely or maybe not for a while. And then you lose momentum, and you get stuck in sort of a vicious cycle of avoiding action that you know you should take, but it's uncomfortable for you. So the reason I told you that or reminded you of that story that I observed, which was so inspiring, watching you walk up to those girls and just lean into how you were feeling in that moment. You didn't have a cool, witty line. You just said, hey, I don't know what to say. What's up? I'm. I'm. I'm Jason. All of a sudden, you guys were kissing, then you were feeling fantastic. And so when you wake up, you're like, I don't want to go talk to girls today. I don't want to go take action tonight. Remind yourself that's how you feel in that moment. Your state can change. As soon as you go start diving in and talking to women, something great can happen. And all of a sudden, you feel very differently, and you've got momentum and some results. And even if you don't get results, you'll have some momentum because at least you're taking action and you're taking some steps forward.

[Jason]

Well, yeah, and that makes sense. And I think we've also Talked about, don't be so results driven or I think. I don't know if you called it like a results junkie, where I'm just like, really, really addicted to only getting positive results. But I found myself, like, for example, this past weekend in. In the Southern California area that I live in, there was some really cool like. Like shows, music shows during the day that I went to where there were a lot of girls, and I did a ton of approaching and I got myself into a great social state. We went to like a lunch place after I was approaching girls at the lunch place. Like, I was doing it the whole day. I was in the zone. My friends were like, jason's flirting with all these girls. And I didn't really get any successful results. I mean, it also went into the night. We went out to some bars, approached a ton of girls, got numbers. And the girls that I texted, the numbers that I gotten didn't really turn into anything concrete really, with regards to like a. A date. So I. I woke up that Monday after a weekend of doing that, feeling like, well, what was the point of that? Like, I didn't really get any concrete results. And there are sometimes where that happens where I do a ton of approaching and I don't get any results. And then there's like a random Thursday after, like a month of not approaching. I'll go up to LA Lakers cheerleader in Target, approach her, get her number, and then we go on a date. I'm like, what the hell? I did 40 approaches in one week.

[Connell Baritz]

Did you get an LA Lakers phone number?

[Jason]

Yeah. On a date. Went on a date.

[Connell Baritz]

Okay.

[Jason]

So like, you know that that's a success, it's a win. But it's like, it's so arbitrary because it feels like, you know, for 40 approaches you'll get like, the one. Yes. And it just feels like the ROI given, like the, the effort and that I have to really put into my mindset to push myself to do the approaches. Sometimes it doesn't.

[Connell Baritz]

I wonder if you're. Well, go back to. Go back to the story you were telling me. You said you were talking to a ton of women. Was it you said during the day?

[Jason]

During the day and then to the night? Yeah.

[Connell Baritz]

What was the event? What was the context of all the daytime?

[Jason]

There was. It was cool. They have this thing in LA that's like at a coffee shop where they have like a DJ and it's kind of like a day rave, but instead of drinking alcohol, everyone's drinking coffee, Everyone kind of congregates. In this big parking lot, and there's a ton of women, and it's a great opportunity for approaching.

[Connell Baritz]

Okay, how many women did you talk to that day?

[Jason]

If I had to guess, maybe somewhere between 10 to 15 something.

[Connell Baritz]

Okay, fantastic. Yeah. And how many phone numbers did you try to get? Or did I. Two questions. How many did you. Did you go for? How many did you get?

[Jason]

I think maybe three or four.

[Connell Baritz]

Okay.

[Jason]

I mean, and just to give you context, like, one of the approaches is, like, me walking out of the place. I saw someone next to me, her dog. I'm like, wow, you are beautiful. And she's like, thank you so much. And then she walked away. I mean, I kind of counted that as an approach, like, counting myself out there, but nothing really concrete. Yeah, fair.

[Connell Baritz]

And here's my big question. What's the longest conversation you had with any woman from that day?

[Jason]

There was one that lasted, like, maybe over an hour, and that was more in the evening. We met at one low one bar, and then her and her friend ubered with me and my friend to another bar. So we were just kind of hanging out for over an hour, and I got her number, and then I texted her the next day, and she didn't respond, which I know you say, don't let not one response make you think she's not interested. You know, Try again. Sometimes people miss texts.

[Connell Baritz]

And what sort of. What sort of, for lack of a better term, escalation did you apply with that woman during that hour? Did you tell her she was sexy? Did you tease her? Did you.

[Jason]

Yes.

[Connell Baritz]

Get her alone and go for a kiss? Any. Anything.

[Jason]

Because of the. The logistics of, like, her having a lot of friends at the other bar, it wasn't necessarily easy to isolate her with a kiss, just feeling out the situation. But I did flirt with her a lot. Like, she told me she was Italian, and, like, I got really close to her ear and whispered, like, a sexy Italian phrase that I knew. Like, I definitely like a lot of man the woman communicates. She seemed really excited to give me her number. Also, she put her last name in my phone, which is something I notice. When girls are really interested, they'll put their full name in the contact as opposed to just their first name. That's a lot thing I've noticed. So, yeah, I mean, there definitely seemed like there was a decent level of interest. If you asked me, on a scale of 1 to 10, I mean, if I had the ballpark, at least, like an 8.

[Connell Baritz]

Nice.

[Jason]

Just based on her receptive feedback, you know.

[Connell Baritz]

Great. And did you set up the date with her there in person. The future date.

[Jason]

No, it was kind of like, give me your phone number. Would love to take you out for drinks. And she's like, yeah, I'll definitely give you my phone number. And she put it.

[Connell Baritz]

So let's talk about. Good job. I wasn't sure if you had a night. The reason I asked you is I thought maybe you're doing like scatter shot approaching, like a bunch of short, quick approaches and then bouncing. But it sounds like with her you really stuck in and had a nice long interaction, which is great because we're, we're in this not to do 50 approaches a day or a night. We're in it to hopefully do five. And that fourth or fifth one, oh, you guys really land. And something really lands and connects and then you can just be with her for a while. And that essentially puts you on a first date with her or in this case more like a double date, basically. Right. Or a group date. But anyway, so that's great. I'm glad to hear that you were doing that. And a little reminder about something I probably shared with you before. But I'll say it again. When you're getting a. When you're getting a woman's number, especially at night, you want to think of this as think of three outcomes. Kind of a gold, silver and a bronze outcome. Gold medal outcome is you and she end up alone together that night. I'm not saying that was logistically possible here, but that's something you certainly want to assert if it's logistically feasible for the two of you. The two of you end up alone so that love can happen. If you both wanted to. That's a gold medal. Silver medal would be you set up a date in the future. She's got to go off with her friends or you've got to go off and do your thing. Silver medal is, though, you set up the date and it's like cool, awesome. Wednesday night it is at Bobby's Crab Shack. You're going to love it. The place is going to blow your mind. It's fantastic. And this cuts way down on flaking. And it gets more dates lined up because now it's on your calendar and hers. And there's something in human psychology called the law of commitment and consistency, which is when people agree to do something, they want to do it or else they feel like they're being inconsistent. So when you set up a date with a woman and that makes it less likely she'll flake if it's on her calendar, your calendar, that's silver medal and the bronze medal outcome is you. Okay, maybe you can't set up the date for whatever reason. You're traveling, she's traveling. Life gets busy. But at least you talk about what you're going to. You, the two of you. Oh, cool. Awesome. Well, when you're back from your trip, we're gonna rock the karaoke mic, so it's gonna be awesome. So you talk about the date. It keeps you both looking forward to it. These are all anti flaking techniques. So the last thing you want to do, I mean, it's better than nothing at all, don't get me wrong. But the lead, the last thing you want to do is just grab a number, go. Okay, we'll figure something out because it can just lead to so much flakiness and then you're kind of chasing her down for a date. Now, you did have an hour with her, which is great, but it sounds like it was in. It was in kind of mixed company. Friends worth of the whole.

[Jason]

It was in mixed company. But I was definitely like in my a game of flirting, so to speak. Like, I. Because of all the social momentum I had coming from the day, as I'm sure you know, when you do 10 plus approaches, like, you're in such a great social state. So by the time I got to this girl, let her, you know, assuming she's like the 15th approach of the day, so to speak, I was really in a great state. So, like, it was great rapport that her and I had. And I could tell she was really enjoying it. I got her to laugh a lot. And it was just. It was just easy. It was just really. It came really easy, the conversation, you know.

[Connell Baritz]

And so if you do end up going with, well, the fourth best option, which is get her number, but leave it to. We'll figure something out. Then you simply want to follow that the three times rule. The three times rule is don't assume or think you've been ghosted or she's flaking until you have taken three good swings at the first date plate. And that might sound annoying, like, why do I have to do that? I was with her for an hour. She got my A game. Well, you know what? If she's a really attractive woman in Southern California, she's probably got lots of options. She's. To some extent, women are screening out men who give up too soon. They're screening out guys who send 27 needy, lame messages. That's not you for sure. But they also can kind of screen out a guy who doesn't try a second time, who doesn't persist with some charm. So on some level, a lot of women do that either explicitly because they've told me. Women have told me this, but some of them do it just more passively. Like they notice guys who don't give up right away, but who have charm. So that's why I'm big into the three times rule. Take three swings at a date or three or two more messages that make her smile, that might get her to respond. And if you want to call it after three, it's totally fine.

[Jason]

I mean, also, just, just to add, for any of your listeners that might be skeptical of that, like, in my personal experience, I've had the mindset, or at least I feel. Sometimes I text a girl I had great rapport with. Once she doesn't answer, I automatically have assumed she's ghosting me. But I've tried what Connell has said and I've tried like sending a follow up text like two days later, like a funny gif or something that makes her smile. And then I get a response. And that has led to dates. Yeah, like I've had dates with girls who I thought were ghosting me, but they ended up going out on me because I followed up because. And a lot of times they just missed the text, or at least that's what their response is. But you know, it's. It works. It works.

[Connell Baritz]

They're either follow up rule there. Beautiful women, women who are in demand, they have a lot of things pulling them in different directions and sometimes they just get busy and literally don't see your text message. Sometimes they see it, they're like, oh, I'll get back to him later. And they forget. Or sometimes a woman will say to herself, let me see, let me just see. There was a. This is years ago, but there was a woman who I sent her a third message. My first message was, hey, whatever, Melissa, great to meet you the other night. Great dancing with you at the club, blah, blah, blah. What night are you free this week? No answer. Second message. Oh, should I send. Should I send a search party out to find you? Hope you didn't fall into the earth because of the earthquake. Whatever. A joke. No answer. And the third message was something like, well, Melissa, I guess I'm going to have to return the engagement ring I bought you. Too bad, because my mom was really excited to meet you Saturday night. But, you know, I guess it wasn't meant to be. So I'm cracking jokes. I'm always Having fun. As I follow the three times rule.

[Jason]

My favorite one is because I've done a lot of tests as to what works and what doesn't. I send a gif of the old woman from the Titanic movie where it says, it's been 84 years. And I've gotten some great reactions.

[Connell Baritz]

Oh, nice. I like that.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Connell Baritz]

Yeah, that's great. And so this woman, Melissa, that last message, she wrote back, lol. This is an exact quote, lol. Hey, sorry, I've been busy and I just wanted to see how persistent you are. Drinks on Friday? That's all it took?

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Connell Baritz]

There's a different thing I posted on my Instagram a while back, a woman I was very recently texting with. She's in my phone as Tinder 10. She's a total 10. If you go on my Instagram, see a beautiful blonde in a bikini, you'll see why she's a Tinder 10. And I never met her. I never was going to. I have a girlfriend, but I'm doing this for. For content and for coaching. So if you see my Instagram, you'll see two or three messages to this, this wonderful, gorgeous, beautiful young person. You know, mid-20s, no answer. First two or three message or. And the third message, I forget what I wrote. It might have been classic. You know, dear diary is, you know, Emily's missing. Should I send search party? Something like that. And then she finally wrote back, oh, hey, how about dinner tomorrow night? Boom. If had I wanted to go on a date with her, I could have, I mean, have a girlfriend. I'm not doing that. But just as an exercise, I'm always kind of testing things. So, yeah, be that three times rule does pay off. But back to your big question. I want to make sure I'm serving you and helping you on this, on this coaching call. So the big question I feel like you started was when I'm just not feeling motivated, when I don't want to do it, then you'll take a month off. And how do you, like, prevent that from happening before it happens? Right.

[Jason]

Yeah. And I. I also tell myself, like, oh, I'll just go home and go on hinge. And that'll make me feel better about, like, not approaching and not being comfortable to do it.

[Connell Baritz]

Today, I'm. I believe in what I call code of conduct, which is here is the number of very cute, attractive, dateable women, at least physically. What you're attracted to, who you're going to commit to approaching every single week, come hell or high water. So it's A weekly commitment. It's similar to the commitment you make when you say, I'm going to work my 40 hour or 50 hour week or pay my rent or eat food every day. You make certain commitments all the time. And if you make a commitment to yourself every week that you're going to talk to XYZ number of girls, then that gives you a clear measurable. A clear measurable standard to hold yourself to. That just takes discipline. You just say every week, minimum of six. And we want to make it a reasonably a high enough number where it gives you a chance of some results, but also not such a crazy number where you're like, I don't want to. I'm not going to talk to 50 women this week. No. Talk to a half dozen a week maybe. And that way at least you hit your minimum. Because here's the thing, once. And you know, this is a guy who's done so many approaches at this point. Sometimes the emotional state you start out in can totally change once you start get. Once you get into action mode or once you get a really good response, or you just get feeling like you're in the zone. So that state is temporary. That lower state of I don't really feel like doing this, I don't really, I'm not motivated, that's temporary. And you want to remind yourself of that, say, hey, I made a commitment to myself, I promise I'm going to do XYZ per week, or whatever your standard is. And then you just go do it. Just kind of like, how many times have you not wanted to go to the gym but you went? Because that's what you do. You just go to the gym. And then halfway in you're like, hey. You see your muscles in the mirror. You focus on how good it feels to be at the gym. At least you're pumping iron, you're feeling better, and maybe you've enjoyed your workout, maybe you didn't, but it feels better afterwards because you stepped up and sort of did what you had to do. So you kind of want to remind yourself, hey, what is my higher self? What is that badass, you know, Jason, last name self. What would he say to you if you said to him, I don't feel like approaching, I'm not in the mood. You know, you probably say, you got to step up, dude, go do it. That's what men do, right?

[Jason]

No, makes sense. Makes. Makes sense.

[Connell Baritz]

You struggle with dating, right? Sure, you have a good job and cool friends, but you just aren't sure how to flirt the apps don't work for you. And sometimes women put you in the friend zone. It's frustrating. Hey, I struggled with dating too. As an introvert and a total nerd. I didn't just live in the friend zone, I owned real estate there. But I escaped using the dating philosophy of Radical Authenticity, which I've used to help thousands of men in 17 countries find love. It's what I wrote about in my best selling book, Dating Sucks, but yout Don't. And Radical Authenticity is why Psychology Today called me the best dating coach in America. And now I want to personally help you attract your dream girlfriend. So go to datingtransformation.com and book a free call with me. On our call, I'll tell you how my one on one coaching will help you find your dream girlfriend. And you'll be doing it by flirting with confidence and and authenticity. No creepy pickup tricks needed. So go to datingtransformation.com, book a free call today, and let my personalized coaching help you get a great girlfriend.

[Jason]

I think sometimes it's just the nerves are very powerful. Even though I have been doing this for as long as I have in terms of like pushing myself to do approaches, it's definitely gotten easier over time, but I haven't felt like I've gotten to a place where it's just like I can wake up at, you know, 7 or 8am on a work day and just be like, yep, I'm going to hit three approaches today, no problem. It's not going to be like a major internal fight for myself, which unfortunately, as, as you described it, I think in one of the modules it's like one foot's on the gas, one foot's on the brake. And I don't know, more times than not the brake ends up winning just out of just the nerves, you know. And I, I feel like this kind of ties back to what I was saying from this weekend, at least the first initial approaches. I feel that when the nerves take over, I fall into a very platonic conversation that I have trouble navigating the man the woman Connell. But when I get to like the seventh or eighth approach, it's very easy for me to go, man, the woman. I'll just be like, hey, you have really beautiful eyes. Like one of the first things out of my mouth. And then all of a sudden I'm flirting and. But like in the first couple conversations when the nerves are really strong, I automatically just fall into like, oh, where are you from?

[Connell Baritz]

Right?

[Jason]

Oh, you moved here from Texas. That's cool. I've been to Austin a couple times this year. Like, I do. You know, this strip of bar is. Oh, I like this restaurant. And it comes off as very friendly, platonic, Just because the nerves are. It feels like the nerves are. Are like blocking me from flirting because it's just like flirting when. When I'm nervous. Feels like a risky zone because it feels like, all right, this gives her. This allows for her to reject me. When I keep it friendly and platonic, there's less room for a rejection because it's like, oh, this guy's just being friendly. There's nothing for me to reject. You know, it feels more safe because the nerves are. Are more powerful the first couple approaches, if that makes sense.

[Connell Baritz]

Yeah. Repeat after me. What's risky is safe.

[Jason]

What's risky is safe.

[Connell Baritz]

And what's safe is risky.

[Jason]

And what's safe is risky.

[Connell Baritz]

Do you know what that means? If you could elaborate, be coach Jason for a second. Have I ever shared that thought with you? What's risky is safe. What's safe is risky.

[Jason]

What's risky is safe. And what's safe. It's risky.

[Connell Baritz]

Yeah. So it's very tempting to do safe approaches. Oh, hey, what's up? How's your day going? Hey, how are you? Hey, where you guys from? Those are very safe in the sense that they're hard to reject hardcore in any kind of, you know, not that many women are going to go get away. How dare you ask me how my day is going? But it's also, it seems like a safe approach, but it's very risky because you risk not creating any kind of emotional impact in her. You just risk sounding like a guy making small talk. So what feels safe to you is actually risky because you risk not getting results. You risk boring women, you risk playing it safe. And, you know, women don't want a guy who plays it safe. However, if you take risks, as I know you've done many times, the risky approach, quote unquote, is actually safe in the sense of it's a safe, smart strategy to get some results. Risky, where you say something that's polarizing. She might not like it, but maybe she'll love it. You say something, it could be sexual. If you're feeling something sexual. I don't mean vulgar. I just mean you open more. Maybe like at night where you walk up to a woman, like, have you ever walked up to a gorgeous woman from the get go and said, hey, I just saw you and you're really sexy. Had to meet you.

[Jason]

I don't Know if I've used the word sexy, but, like, one of my go to openers during the day and at night is like, excuse me, I just thought you were beautiful. I wanted to come say hi to you. I just felt it's super direct and she knows exactly why I'm talking to her, and it sets the tone for the conversation.

[Connell Baritz]

I would. I would say that's in the daytime. That is a bit more on that risky side, meaning smart and safe.

[Jason]

I've done that opener a lot. Like, that's my go to because I just feel like it sets the tone of the conversation.

[Connell Baritz]

Yeah, I like that. So anything that feels risky to you, but even. Even the. The fact that that's become your go to. And I know why. Because you want to know a good thing to say, but even if it's become like your go to, then it's kind of. It can become something that's safe for you and comfortable. And I want you to.

[Jason]

That's fair.

[Connell Baritz]

And I'm not saying you need to make everyone be the scariest approach in the world, but if you feel some butterflies, if you. If you make some risks in your verbal opens or even risks in body language, risks in how you look at a woman, if it's coming from a really authentic, genuine place. Like one of my old coaches used to. We used to stand in a bar. He was. When I first was getting coaching, like, literally my first weekend doing this, in the late double zeros, I looked around a room, and my coach said, all right, look around the room. Who here is to you, the sexiest goddamn woman? Who here is just. Absolutely. Just 10 out of 10. And I saw this brunette who looked like, I'm going to date myself here, Jason, you're way younger than me. But she looked like the girl from flashdance. I'm an 80s kid, okay? Like Jennifer Beals. And I saw this woman in a silver dress, and I'm like, oh, my God, she is my 10. He said, well, what's the deepest, most honest thing you're thinking about her? And you would have thought I would have gone to someplace vulgar, but I didn't. I was just thinking, my God, she's stunning. The most honest thing I'm thinking is she is gorgeous. And I'm really shy, but, man, I want to meet her. He said, great, there's your opener. Say the deepest, truest thing to her. I walked over to her and I said, hey, I just saw you. I'm really shy, but I had to meet you because look at you. Damn. Hi. Or Something like that. And the craziest thing happened, Jason. She looked at me, she kind of cocked her head and smiled and said, yeah, right. You're real shy. Hi, I'm Amy. She was into it, and she thought it was a line. She thought I was kind of doing a. A pickup line. And I guess I was, because I approached her, but it wasn't a pickup line. That was, literally speaking, the most vulnerable, true thing I could think of, which is, I'm scared, but you're gorgeous. Here I am. And something about getting congruent, aligned, that internal and out external thing, aligned. It just snapped me into a more confident, more genuine place. And she liked it. And all of a sudden, getting her number. So the magic trick isn't to say that line every single time. There's no magic tricks, but closest thing there is to a magic trick, which is why I go on about this all the time, is what's the deepest, truest thing that you're thinking when you see a girl? I want to talk to you, but I don't know what to say then say that. Or you are a smoke show. Say that. But do you really give a shit where she's from or how her night's going?

[Jason]

I think sometimes it's super relevant to the conversation. Like if I'm in California and I meet a girl who's from New York, like I am. That's a. That makes the conversation a lot easier in terms of substance.

[Connell Baritz]

No, no. But when you see a gorgeous woman, what's the. If I. If you were at a beauty. If you were at a bar, like, say, you. Let's say you and I are in. Do you go to Bungalow ever? Yeah, I do Bungalow. Still good?

[Jason]

Yeah. It's one of the top clubs in Santa Monica.

[Connell Baritz]

I've done. I've done a few programs there as a coach. I love Bungalow. So let's say you and I are in Bungalow. Let's do a thought experiment. You're in Bungalow. You see a total, total stunner. What's your type? What does she look like? What's she wearing? Make my listener horny.

[Jason]

Five foot five, blonde hair, bright white teeth, blue eyes, smoking body.

[Connell Baritz]

Nice. I like it. Okay, you see her. Imagine that. I'm with. I'm with you. I'm your wingman. You point her out. I'm like, whoa, look at her. You're like, yeah, she's the one. What is the deepest, truest thing you're thinking about her right now in this thought experiment? That's. That's not X. Rated.

[Jason]

Excuse me. I just really thought you were gorgeous and I wanted to come say hi to you. Hi, Jason.

[Connell Baritz]

Great. Could do that. What's another way to say it? Let's amp it up even more. Let's say you do that a couple times and some went well, some didn't. Let's say you start to really feel your oats a little bit. What's another way you can say that exact same sentiment but with even more risky, polarizing, but genuine language? I'm not looking for a certain answer. I'm just curious what you come up with.

[Jason]

Wow. How long have you been a model? You are fucking drop dead gorgeous.

[Connell Baritz]

Okay. I like it.

[Jason]

When Katy Perry wrote the song Kid California Girls, you must have been her inspiration. I don't know. I'm just pulling these out of my ass.

[Connell Baritz]

I like it.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Connell Baritz]

Very cool.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Connell Baritz]

Awesome. And when you're feeling really good, Jason, when you're really in your. Kind of feeling in the zone, how do you feel about yourself? Give me a couple.

[Jason]

Great.

[Connell Baritz]

Yeah.

[Jason]

I feel confident. I feel like. Like it's the best feeling in the universe when all the. Or most of the nerves melt away. Because then you could. At least I could feel like I'm being my truest form of myself. Or as you say, your most authentic self. Yeah.

[Connell Baritz]

And when you're in the zone.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Connell Baritz]

Give me two or three quick adjectives to describe how you feel. If you're just feeling amazing at a bar and bungalow on a Friday night.

[Jason]

Loud. Like, in terms of like the vocal.

[Connell Baritz]

Like, describe. No, just. Yeah, describing your emotions. Sorry, your emotions, your state.

[Jason]

Happy. Courageous.

[Connell Baritz]

Yeah.

[Jason]

Thoughtful.

[Connell Baritz]

Cool.

[Jason]

Provocative.

[Connell Baritz]

Great. So I love those words. So here's another way you could approach a girl like that. That's risky and super truthful. Hey, I just saw you. You're gorgeous. And I'm feeling provocative tonight.

[Jason]

That's pretty funny.

[Connell Baritz]

Why did that make you laugh? I love it. But why did it make you laugh?

[Jason]

Just like the way you put that sentence together. I can't really explain why.

[Connell Baritz]

I know.

[Jason]

Yeah. I don't know.

[Connell Baritz]

Well, it's because I. With your help in our little thought experiment here, you broke. What we want is for her to giggle the way you just did. Right, Right. Which would probably happen. Hey, I just saw you. You're gorgeous. And I'm just feeling provocative tonight. That's awesome. And it's a pattern interrupt. She's not used to hearing the word provocative. But it came from how you're feeling. It's not something you read on some jerk ass, idiot, YouTube. Terrible pickup dudes channel. Here's my canned plan line. You went into yourself, you said, how am I feeling right now? I feel in the zone. I feel amazing. I feel provocative and think about another way to approach in a. An effective way. And I think risky. In other words, safe, but in a risky way is that it's. You're bringing value to her. You're bringing something to the table. Hey, I feel amazing. I'm in a great mood tonight, and I had to share it with the girl with white teeth.

[Jason]

So, Connell, not to interrupt you, but you're good.

[Connell Baritz]

You're good.

[Jason]

Kind of like what you're saying, where I feel provocative and confident and thoughtful. The words you just had me describe, I don't like. Let's use the example of a bar, right? The Bungalow. I don't feel that way. Like the moment the bouncer checks my ID and I walk in. When I walk in, I feel like I'm loaded up with nerves. And it's not until I force myself to do, I don't know, three or four approaches, and maybe one goes decently well before I feel like I'm in that zone. I know you say, as one of your steps when you go out at night, open often is one of the most important steps. And it totally is in my experience. But I guess what I'm asking is, what's the strategy for the moment the bouncer checks my ID when I walk in to kind of channel that best version of myself? Or is the answer I just have to do three or four approaches to get in the zone first?

[Connell Baritz]

Well, you let that great higher self state arise. Let it come to you. My unwritten rule is, first three approaches don't even count. They're just batting practice. It's like spring training batting practice before the game, actually. You're just taking a few swings. They're just to help you get in the zone. Because, hey, everybody's in their head. I know I would be. I'm a dating coach. I've been doing this for 15, 16 years. Approaching 20 years total in terms of intentfully looking at dating. I go to the Bungalow with you tomorrow night. Hypothetically, if I was in la, I would be the first two or three approaches. I'd be choppy and robotic, too. I'd just be following the same steps that I teach. Because here are the steps. Step one, open often. Meaning do a lot of approaches, at least get. Get some social momentum going. Because that is what wakes up that more provocative in the zone version of you. Because your brain gets evidence that you're safe and awesome and amazing in that new venue versus how you might have felt before you walked in.

[Jason]

Right?

[Connell Baritz]

Step one, open often. Step two, be yourself, be authentic, offer value. So walk up. And that's why I'm trying to get you more toward. Instead of walking up saying, hey, how are you? How's your night? Where are you from? Which is you asking her to, to give you something, give you her focus. I want you walking up to women, giving them the thing that's going to blow their hair back. Figuratively speaking, maybe literally. This wouldn't be because you're bringing value to the table. And that's what makes a woman go, this guy's different. He's got something to offer me. Everybody, every other guy there is trying to get something from her. And that's why I'm a big believer in letting go of results to an extent, because we don't want to come off as needing a good reaction. But of course we want good results. So it's a bit of a paradox. But anyway, step one, open often. Do lots of approaches. Step two, bring value by being authentic. Step three, flirt a little bit, be a little bit man to woman. Step four, escalate things until. Assuming the conversation is going well, escalate things until you've at least got a phone number, hopefully a date set up. And then step five, no matter how any approach goes, whether it's five seconds or five minutes or five hours, stop for a second and say, what did I do well? Or what did I learn from that? Or what can I feel good about? So back to your question about when you walk in the venue, just pre accept the first two or three are going to be choppy and you're not going to be in the zone. That's fine. The first two or three can be, hey, how's your night? What's up, guys? Is it fun here tonight? It's okay. Totally fine. But what I'm looking for is allowing those good emotional, that good emotional state to crest, to swell where you start. You might start off feeling like a 3 or 4 or 5 out of 10 in terms of your social comfort and confidence when you walk in. And I would too, especially now that I'm sober. I don't drink at all. I need to earn my buzz from action. But then a few, a few approaches in, you'll start to feel better. And that's when you walk up and say, hey, I'm feeling quite provocative tonight, or whatever the thing is.

[Jason]

Right?

[Connell Baritz]

But the reason, by the way, it's not A magic trick to say I'm provocative. But I do love that because it came from an organic place that you just. That was the thing that was on your mind in that moment, Hypothetically speaking.

[Jason]

Yeah, no, totally. So, I mean, going back to how you were saying, the gold medal of getting her number besides going home with her is getting her number and setting up a date on the spot. You know, usually when I go about setting up a date, let's say she's in a different area of the city. I usually do a Google search, I find a cool place near her, I send her a screenshot. I'm like, how is this she like that, that works great, blah, blah. But my point is that exchange usually happens over text, whether it's a day or two after I get the number, I guess. How do you go about, like, as you said, setting up a date in the moment if I don't have like a place off the top of my head? Like, let's say she's on the other side of town. Is example I may run into sometimes. Usually I research a cool place to take her to, you know, on my own time, if that makes sense.

[Connell Baritz]

Cool. Well, you don't need to set up the place with her. What you could do is say, let's say you, let's say you live in West Hollywood. Let's say she lives in Santa Monica. Just making that up. Then you're like, hey, where do you live? She'll tell you, oh, cool, I know a girl. If you know a place that's roughly halfway between the two of you or fairly close to her, that's great. Then you could say that. But if you don't, and you probably do, if you know the geography pretty well, but if you don't, that's fine, you could say, oh, you know what? I know a couple really good spots that are pretty close to you. In fact, I know this amazing couple. I know a couple places are going to be perfect for. For. You said you like tequila, right? Great, we'll do some tequila, we'll do some, have some margaritas. What night's good for you? What night this week works for you? And then she'll go into her calendar, tell you day or two hopefully. And then assuming you're free. Okay, cool. Awesome. 7:30 it is on Thursday. I'll text you the name of the spot. I'm forgetting what it is right now, but I'll text it to you. But it's a date. I like to say that it's a date. And, and then I might Crack a joke. I like to solidify things. You know me with a joke because I just, that's my, my. One of my dating superpowers is on my better days is humor. So, like, cool. It's a date. Thursday it is. You're gonna love my grandma. She's gonna come. She might bring you lasagna. Just so you know, she loves to cook for, you know, my, my fiance. Okay, okay. I'll, I'll, I'll wait a little while till I call you my fiance. So I'll crack some jokes or whatever. Or I might say, cool. Awesome. Thursday it is. So I'm gonna send you about 20 dick pics between now and then, give or take. I don't want to come on too strong. Maybe 10. That's my personality. You don't have to use my lines if they don't resonate with you. But I'm always making it fun because that's going to make her link to you and the date. Laughter, fun, good times with this guy and make it way more likely she'll want. She'll keep the date and way less likely that she'll flake. Right. But anyway, that was my answer to your question.

[Jason]

No, I haven't tried that before. I'll definitely try that.

[Connell Baritz]

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[Jason]

Another question that ties back to that question is I've encountered this. It kind of goes back to what we were saying about the follow up how girls miss text sometimes. This is one example, but there's a couple other ones that are similar. There's a girl that I met. Just say near me in my building. And we've been texting and she's down to get drinks, but we just kind of missed each other because of the recent fires in la and our schedules just kind of got crisscrossed. But she's down. I mean, she's expressed that she's down. I gave her my number when I met her because I didn't have my phone, and she went out of her way to text me, which obviously shows interest. But, you know, we were texting, and then I took maybe two or three hours to respond because I was busy. So I ended up texting her back around, like, maybe 10:30 at night, and then she didn't respond. And a whole day has gone by. And I kind of suspect it's because sometimes girls, when you text them back too late at night, they might miss the text the next morning. I've noticed that a couple times.

[Connell Baritz]

Okay.

[Jason]

Where they miss the text. So I guess the crux of the question I'm asking you is, do you have any advice or does it really not matter? On, like, how long you should take to respond to a text? Or. Like, I'm a little bit ADHD sometimes, and I'm just really busy with my job at. I always respond the same day, but sometimes takes me a couple hours, sometimes I don't respond till night when I'm in home in bed. And I finally get to go through all my texts from the day. Right. And I find myself in this pattern where, like, they're into it, but then I text them back late at night and they'll miss the text the next day just because, I don't know, maybe they'll wake up with 20 new texts and I'm at the bottom of that list and they just kind of forget. And I noticed it as a pattern. So I'm curious if you have any thoughts on. On that.

[Connell Baritz]

I like what. Everything you're doing, except maybe you're not following up.

[Jason]

Okay. No, Perhaps.

[Connell Baritz]

Right.

[Jason]

Well, this girl that I just described, for example, I did follow up with her because she missed the text.

[Connell Baritz]

Okay.

[Jason]

Now she. Now it seems like she missed another text. And I kind of feel weird about following up twice. It's just like, all right, well, you know. You know what I'm saying?

[Connell Baritz]

Well, here's a good way to if what? Can you give an example of the kind of text that she missed and you're not sure if and how to follow up on it? Like, is it an ask. Is it. Is it a text where you're asking her out? Or is it just a random.

[Jason]

Yeah, no, the text. I'm asking her out. I I'm not going to say the event but she went to an event this past weekend. So I said ola, how was the event? I saw on Instagram stories that looked insane. She wrote hi was so much fun. Did it make it to, you know, the, the big party that was there but still a great time. Definitely feeling it today. Lol. And I wrote I did the same thing when I went bought an unlimited ticket pass and didn't see one party. Felt so guilty lol. And then I wrot if you're around this week, let's grab drinks. And that was around 9pm and no response the next day.

[Connell Baritz]

Okay.

[Jason]

But I know that this girl just based off of the previous texts that she's interested or schedule just haven't aligned.

[Connell Baritz]

Yeah, I think so. You could follow up with that. I mean that's a. I'm going to be nitpicky here. I like that. I like that's like an 80% ask out, hey, let's do XYZ thing. But it's not the same as hey, let's do XYZ thing. How about Friday for you? Does that work where you ask that pointed specific, getting her to an answer question. Getting her to an answer. And I'm being nitpicky. A lot of guys are like, well why do I have to do that? Why can't she just say yes or no? I wish the world was perfect and ideal, but it's not. There's nothing wrong with what you wrote. I would just give her something a bit more pointed but. So that will make it easy, more likely that she'll respond. But then if she doesn't answer that I would send a follow up message. Almost like, it's almost like a PS to your last message. But it's not like hey, did you get my message? It's more like hey, let's do the XYZ thing. No answer. And the PS might be oh, you're gonna love the DJ there. The dance floor is incredible. You're going to love it. What night's good for you or does Friday work for you? So then. And then you follow up with that pointed question.

[Jason]

So for this particular example though, and I was actually thinking about it the next day and what you're saying is kind of what was popping in my head. I should have maybe given a specific place and been like, oh, I know this great speakeasy. How does this work? Instead of just saying if you're around this week let's grab drinks.

[Connell Baritz]

Yeah, I think that's a little passive, a little floating. An idea. Yeah.

[Jason]

The reason I did that is because she's already expressed interest other times in the conversation that she's down to go out. It's not like this is my first time asking her out. So it's just kind of like circling back to like, hey, now that our schedules may align this week, why don't we do this thing we've been talking about for a couple of weeks now? But I totally agree with what you're saying. I guess my question is now, you know I sent the text, I can't go back and change it. I don't think it means I'm out of the game by any means with this girl. It just. What would be a good follow up based on if you're around this week, let's grab drinks. And that was sent Sunday night.

[Connell Baritz]

Basically you start over again. That's not start over, but you would just ask her out. A complete assertive pointed ask out. We should do XYZ Fun thing at XYZ fun place. What night's good for you? Or do you want to do Friday or Saturday? So you ask her an assumptive question. I like to do that. It's called an assumptive question. You assume she wants to. Assume she wants to date you. You're fricking Jason, you're handsome, you're successful, you're this cool educator. You got this cool lifestyle in Southern California. Let's assume she's into you. Plus you approached her in the coolest way. Not the cool way, but you approached her in a great.

[Jason]

In an indirect way.

[Connell Baritz]

Indirect? Yeah, kind of normal everyday way. Which I wanted you to mention that before we go, but anyway, I would just follow. I just, I guess my, my advice is make your ask out messages more pointed. Get her to an answer or make it more make it easier for her to answer where if she doesn't respond, it's kind of weird. Yeah, I mean it's kind of weird like if you just say, hey, we should do something sometime. It's. It's not that. It'd be nice if she answered, but it's not that strange if she didn't. If you say, hey, I'd like to see you, it'd be nice to see you again and have our overdue date for wine at Jimmy's, you know, Sugar Shack and blah blah, blah, blah. What night's good for you? She doesn't answer that. She's the one who's making a Social faux pas she's got. She, she sort of has an out right now if she wants one. Oh, I didn't, you know, I didn't know you're asking me out. I got busy, you know, but we just got to get a women to a clear decision. And I want to share one kind of overarching philosophy that does bear repeating. And I'm sorry if I've repeated stuff to you before, but I think certain things bear repeating, which is in every part of D. The approach or the phone number from an approach or escalating on a first date, making a real great romantic connection happen, or in this case, getting an answer on a date. I come back to this really simple philosophy that has guided me so many times, which is assert your ideal outcome with that woman until you get it in a win win way that you and she both feel great about or until you get clear evidence that you won't get it. So assert what you want until you get it in a way you and she are into or you get clear evidence that you won't get it. And so the reason I sort of harp a little bit about ask her out in a more pointed way is because I want a clear answer one way or another. I don't want, I don't want to send her a slightly passive message that makes it easy for her to not respond. Because I want an answer. I don't mean I want an answer. I just mean, hey, let's figure out, are we meeting or not? Same with an approach. It's like I'm here to approach and flirt with you and either I'm going to get you into me and I'm into you, or I'm going to get clear evidence that you don't want me there. That's fine too. I'm not going to settle for a nice conversation and then just go back to my friends. I'm like, no, go get an answer. Does she want a date with you or not? So I come back to this idea of assert that outcome till you get it or you know you won't. And either one's fine. We do it with charm and authenticity and good intentions and integrity and truth and honesty. But also be a fucking closer. Be a shark.

[Jason]

That's the thing that I have to work on a bit is the closing element. Because, you know, I think the approach, when I do take action, I have had some great results. As you know, I've told you many stories about some successes I've had through our conversations. And it's just a matter of the closing where I just, I let the nerves take over. I play it safe. I think playing it safe is a common theme in our conversations as of late that, like, hey, you're doing a lot of things right. But when it comes to like the clothes or playing it safe or going for the kiss or.

[Connell Baritz]

Right.

[Jason]

You know, I feel like I wait for too many signs or green lights to take action from women instead of just saying, I don't care about the signs, I was going to do it. I mean, maybe you would agree that sometimes reading the room is a part of the process. I mean, sometimes it's just obvious if they're not interested. But absolutely. Maybe I overanalyze the room, so to speak.

[Connell Baritz]

You do, you do. And it comes from a good place. You're a gentleman. You have mad empathy. You're a charming, kind person. So you don't want to bother women. You don't want to be some push, pushy guy. Nor do I want you to be that. I don't think you are. But at the same time, a core thing that women are attracted to is they want a guy who steps up and goes for what he wants. And they also want men to say, hey, thanks, but no thanks, and have a guy step away. Which of course you would do if and when that happens. Right, right. We just don't want to be so overly, overly concerned about what other people think of us, where we are over reading lines or I'm sorry, over sorry, overreading signs that aren't. That aren't even there.

[Jason]

Right.

[Connell Baritz]

I have time for one last 60 second question and then I got to bounce to my next call. What's something I could answer in 60 seconds or less?

[Jason]

Yeah, you know, this is a theme I think you taught in the modules. The give, give, give, ask. Where I find myself, whether it be through text or Instagram. When I'm messaging somebody, my brain goes straight to. If I'm communicating with them over messaging or texting, I want to go straight to asking them out because I get very fearful about trying to establish banter or flirting over messaging. You know, I just feel like my brain goes straight to let me just ask them out and shoot my shot. That way I can get my answer and I don't have to worry about, you know, coming off as awkward over text or messaging. You know, I'm not as worried about that in person. But the messaging, I find is a little harder to establish banter and flirting and curious if you have any quick thoughts on that. Is, is, is it important to Establish three messages first before you ask somebody out.

[Connell Baritz]

On a dating app, you mean?

[Jason]

Or a dating app or Instagram or any of that type of stuff it's all about.

[Connell Baritz]

It all depends on the context. Can you give me a specific hypothetical. Is this a match online or a woman's phone number you got from.

[Jason]

No, not really a match. It's more of, like, Instagram. Like, and this has worked once or twice. I might swipe up on someone's story and be like, hey, just thought you were beautiful random, but I just wanted to shoot my shot. Would love to take you out for drinks. What's your number?

[Connell Baritz]

Okay.

[Jason]

And, like, I. Sometimes it works, but sometimes it doesn't work.

[Connell Baritz]

And that's sort of like. Yeah, okay. In that context, you got to give before you ask for what you want.

[Jason]

Okay. And I guess my question is, how much give?

[Connell Baritz]

Usually, I don't know, more than, hey, wanna, want a date? What's the Chris Rock line? Hey, want some dick? Hey, want some dick? Gotta make her laugh first. You gotta. Yeah, you gotta give before you ask for what you want.

[Jason]

Okay.

[Connell Baritz]

It's sort of like if the very first time you and I ever got on a consultation call for coaching, you know, I pick up the phone, very first time we ever spoke. So I charged XYZ thousands of dollars. Do you want to work with me? You'd be like, maybe, I don't know, you know, you wouldn't have an answer yet. Right? So it's not that what you're doing is sales. This is a romantic connection you're seeking to make, but if it's a cold outreach from Instagram, then if you just say, hey, you're gorgeous, guess how many other guys think she's gorgeous. Right? Right. I do like that you're trying to shoot your shot, but first you want to lead with something that says that makes her feel, hey, what's in this for me? Because you're one of a million guys who think she's gorgeous. You want to be that rare guy who cracks a joke, comments on something and asks a genuine question, gets some fun banter back and forth so she can get a sense for what it'd be like to go on a date with you and then ask her out.

[Jason]

Now, what if it's someone you met the night before and they've already met you in person and you get their number? Is it okay to go?

[Connell Baritz]

That's a little bit more. Yeah, because you've already spent some. Gotten some rapport with them. Just human to human rapport. You can. You don't have to follow a one size fits all approach to this. That's why context is so important.

[Jason]

Okay.

[Connell Baritz]

Bottom line is one of my, as you know, one of my kind of philosophies is give, give, give, and then ask for what you want. Give good emotions. Give authenticity, flirt, make, just give her a good time. All through the lens of who's my best, most authentic me. And then ask for what you want.

[Jason]

So if you've already done that, you've.

[Connell Baritz]

Already done that the night before, then you don't have to work as hard the next day because she already knows you or knows you a little bit. Knows you enough.

[Jason]

Right. Right. Knows enough if she'd be willing to go out with you or not.

[Connell Baritz]

Yeah.

[Jason]

At that point, absolutely. Got.