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How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett
I Can’t Believe These Are Real: 15 Dating App Openers Men Actually Sent to Women
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“I want to date you… you remind me of my mom.” Yep, a guy actually sent that as an opener. In this episode of “How to Get a Girlfriend,” dating coach Connell Barrett breaks down 15 real messages and sorts them into three categories: magnificent, meh,...
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You know what? You know what goes really well with eggnog? Being with my family. Christmas carols. Asking a stranger for oral sex. All right, welcome back to the how to Get a Girlfriend podcast. I'm your host, dating coach, bestselling author, Connell Barrett. I'm a dating coach. I'm here to help you attract your dream girlfriend and do it by being authentic. No sketchy pickup moves needed here. This is about dating with authenticity. And I have a special treat for you today. I'm going to do a change of pace. I want to make you laugh, I want to make you cringe, and I want to give you some really good online dating openers as well. I'm going to give you 15 different online dating openers and I'm going to put them in one of three categories. These are real openers that I have read recently and I'm going to put them in one of three categories. Sort of like the good, the bad, and the ugly. I'm calling it Some are Magnificent, some are meh, and some are downright mortifying. And what made me want to do this episode is a few days ago, I'm looking at online dating openers from men, and I found one among others that made me cringe. This guy on Tinder sent this to a woman. He wrote, if you lost five to ten pounds, you'd be perfect. That made me go, yikes. That is amazing that a guy actually had the cojones and crassness to send that to a woman. So I'm going to take 15 openers that I found and put them into these three buckets. Some are meh, some are magnificent, some are mortifying. And I think you're going to get a really good kick out of this. And you might even get a couple that you'll want to use. So here we go. 15, let's go in no particular order. Here's the first one. Okay, this guy wrote, let's start with the one I just gave you. If you lost like five to ten pounds, you would be perfect. Mortifying. I'll categorize that as mortifying. Basically, if he gained 5 to 10 IQ points, then he would never would have sent that opener. It's like when I read that, I thought, what did he expect her to say? Oh my God, thanks. Negging is my love language. When's our wedding? It felt and smacked like that old school negging technique that you might have heard about. Here's what she wrote back. By the way, she wrote back, does insulting women on dating apps usually work well for you genuinely curious. Oh, by the way, if you want to see these openers and the responses from some women, I'll be posting these on my Instagram. Dating transformation. Okay, let's go to the next one. This is a pretty interesting one. Check this one out. Here is the next opener again, real openers written by real men. Real guys. His opener is actually. Let me read this one. Okay, so he starts this way. Generic greeting with a smiley face. So he writes generic greeting with a big smiley face. She writes typical response. Then he writes suggestive remark. She counters with defensive rebuttal. Then he writes quick and desperate backpedal. She writes diversion. He writes half hearted compliment. She writes cognitive dissonance. And so I wanted to read, I wanted to give you the whole opening salvo here. This opener, specifically, generic greeting. This might be the best two word opener I've ever seen. It's brilliant because whoever wrote this wasn't me. I wish it was me. But credit where credit's due. It's brilliant because it's a role play which women love. But it also hits at a deeper truth, which is that most openers are generic. Every woman can relate to that. So this girl, this woman is thinking, finally, a self aware guy who gets it and who's fun. It's like if, if how's your day? Was checkers. This opener is 4D chess, so feel free to give that a try. It's a bit meta, but women who like a little meta, self aware humor, man, I think this will work well. Okay, moving on. The next one is a shocking one word opener. It's simply head question mark. And what makes this even more shocking, cringe worthy is I'm just finding the screenshot here. Head, question mark as in head. And she writes back, I'm literally the most DTF chick on this app, but you need to at least say hello first. Rude, af and on Christmas morning. So he sent this on Christmas morning. On Christmas effing morning. In the immortal words of Shakespeare, what the fuck, dude? This was obviously mortifying. So this guy woke up on Christmas morning and he thought, you know what? You know what goes really well with eggnog? Being with my family Christmas carols, asking a stranger for oral sex. So damn, that one. That one dropped my jaw when I saw it. Okay, next, here's the next opener. I'm terrible at the dating apps, but I wanted to say hi. Okay, this one gets a meh from me. I tell my clients, don't start with an apology. Don't apologize, don't say you're terrible at this. What if your surgeon said, I'm terrible at removing gallbladders? What if the pilot came on at the beginning of the flight and said, hey, I'm terrible at flying, guys, Wish me luck? Actually, they probably do say that on spirit airlines. Okay, here's another one. Actually, this next one I think you could even use today if you want to. Here it is. You're a woman of very few words. Actually, zero. Should I bring flashcards on our date? Now, let me explain this one. This one is perfect. This one was written to a woman who had no. Nothing on her profile. No bio, no prompts. Basically, she just had a bunch of attractive photos, and that can make it difficult to know what to say. So this one is magnetic. I'll say it again. It's really clever. You're a woman of very few words. Actually, zero. Should I bring flashcards on our date? That's magnetic. This is a great opener. When a woman just doesn't say anything on her profile and you're not sure what to write, it's cheeky. And our guy writes. Frames this as a question, which actually makes it easier for her to reply because we're all conditioned to answer questions. So this one is polarizing, but it's magnetic because a woman who likes a little bit of snark will definitely write this guy back. Or write you back. Okay, here's the next one. You have a really great smile, exclamation point, smiley face. Meh. Skip this. This is a meh opener. Skip the great smile. Compliment opener. Great smile. Makes you sound like a dental hygienist. All that's missing is rinse, spit, and don't forget to floss. And make an appointment in six months. Okay, next one. I honestly find you super attractive, and you also got a nice pair of mommy milkers. Just being honest. Wow. Mortifying. This one falls into the mortifying bucket. This guy makes the mistake of complimenting her body parts. Compliment a woman's traits, not her other parts. Definitely not her mommy milkers, which, by the way, mommy milkers was the name of my ska band when I was in college. Yeah, we opened for the Breasty boys. Okay, I'll stop next. Roses are red. This is the next opener. Roses are red, violets are blue. I hope my wife doesn't find out about you. Kidding. Laughing emoji. This one is magnetic because the poem is creative, it's charming, and the joke gets a laugh. It gets. Got a laugh from me anyway, and it would get a laugh from a lot of women. And if you get that woman laughing, then you're 99% ahead of other guys. Okay, get ready for the next one. This one's insane. Here we go. I want to chop you up into little pieces, roast you, and eat you up. You are yum. Mortifying, Just mortifying. And it gives me an idea for a rom com featuring Hannibal Lecter. I'm calling it When Harry Ate Sally. Okay, here's a little quick dating coach pep talk. Halfway through this silly little list, are you noticing how low the bar is for a good opener? Like these are not. Not all of these are life changingly. Even. Even the magnetic ones are in your wheelhouse. I want you to lower the bar for how good you think an opener needs to be. Let this be liberating. Okay? You are good enough to write openers that women are going to respond to. All right. You are enough. You are yum. You are yummy. All right, the next one here. This is a good one. I like this one. This is the kind of thing I would have sent back in my single days. Hey, Katie. Wow, you read the Three Body Problem. That book rocked my world. What would you say to a glass of wine and geeking out over sci fi together? Nice. I really like that one because it's definitely magnetic because this guy is flying his sci fi nerd flag at full mast. And as a nerd myself and a lover of books, both nerdy and otherwise, I fully endorse this. This opener is actually bold. I would say this is a bold opener because he's taking a chance. He's being vulnerable. He's putting that authentic nerdy self out there, by the way, I mean nerdy in a good way. So it's bold, it's adorably dorky, and of course it's authentic. My. That's the big secret. Authenticity, baby. He's not trying to be some gym bro. He's not trying to be somebody he's not. He's not being vulgar and talking about her mommy milkers or making references to oral sex. He's really being himself. I like that a lot. He's just a sci fi king looking for his queen. And the other thing I like about this, this breaks a rule that you might have heard about openers. He's moving things toward a date. He's showing intentionality. Now, I'm normally not going to have one of my clients ask a woman out, or I'm not normally going to advise you to ask a woman out in the very first message, but there are exceptions to every rule. And to be honest, I would rather you ask a woman out too quickly than wait too long. So many women are really tired of playing pen pals with a guy. And so what this fellow did with his Three Body problem opener is he let her know he's got intentionality. Women love a guy with intentionality, but he gave value first. Okay, what I would not endorse is, oh, hey there. Do you want to go on a date so we can talk about books? You know, that's not leading with value. You got to lead with value. And what I like about what he did here is he personalized this to her. Obviously, this woman mentioned reading the Three body problem, and so he connected with her and then said, basically, cutting to the chase, hey, let's get together and geek out about books. I'm sure. I'm not sure, but I would imagine she might have said yes. Okay, next up, here's your next opener. So tell me about yourself. That's the opener. So tell me about yourself. Ugh. Totally ug. That's like 50 Shades of Meh right there. It's basically a job interview opener. Very common. So tell me about you. What are you up to? How have you been? Where'd you go to college? You. You don't want your opener to sound like a job interview. It's like, if you're going to open with so tell me about yourself, you may as well follow up with, here's my 401k plan for you. And here are the health benefits of dating me. No good. No good. All right, here's the next one. If you were mine, I wouldn't let you out of the house without a collar and leash. Sir, this is a dating app, not a Petco. This one is definitely mortifying. Now, I would never, ever, ever want a woman to think about herself as a dog or an animal. This is mortifyingly bad. But funny. But very funny. Okay, we're in the home stretch now. Let's go through a few more of these. Hey, how's your week treating you so far? Major meh. Does he really care how her week is or is he just reaching for something, anything? So if your opener could be sent to anyone, it'll resonate with no one. Something to keep in mind. Here's a good fix for this one, by the way. Rather than how is your week going? Find a more creative way to ask her the same basic question. You might write something like, hey, how is your week going? On a scale of 1 to 10, even that is a little bit different than women are used to hearing, or I used to use this one a lot. I would come up with a different, funny way to say 1 to 10, like, hey, how was your weekend? On a scale of 1, to won the lottery, or on a scale of root canal, to won the Powerball. So you can ask how she's doing in a way that has some emotional resonance and some playfulness and some fun that. That breaks the pattern of what she's used to. Bottom line is, you do want to avoid these cliches like, how are you? How's your day? Yeah. Okay, here's the next one. This next one will really resonate with. You know, Sigmund Freud would have a field day with this one or anybody with some deeper problems. The next one. Here it is. Quote, you look exactly like my mom when she was younger. And that really turns me on. And if you saw the screenshot for this, you. You can tell that he's not even joking. Or if he is joking, the joke isn't clear. He seems to be making an actual confession. So, yeah, when I. When I saw that, my brain just kind of. My brain broke. So let's just move on from that one. Let's just move on. Oh, here's the next one. The next opener. Ooh, here's a really good one. I can't wait to break this down. This might be the best one here. One of the best. One of the best. 2. The next opener is the motion is, should we go out on a date? You go for, I'll go against. Okay, let me read this again, because you're probably asking me, what are you talking about? Connell motion. So think of it this way. She's an attorney, right? And this guy is noticing attorney lawyer on her profile, and he's coming up with a fun back and forth that plays off of her being attorney. So that's why he starts with the motion is he's trying to think of a. He. He was thinking of a courtroom. A courtroom angle in to play with this idea of her being an attorney. So, yeah, he starts with the motion is, we should go out on a date. And that's in quotes. That's the motion. You go for, and I'll go against. That's basically his opener right there. The motion is, we should go on a date. You go for, I'll go against. And she writes back, sure, we should go out on a date because I'm awesome. And then he's writing, no. And then he writes, no arguments from my end. And then he writes, there are no reasons why we should not go on a date. You win. And from there they just set up the date. Although they could have gone back and forth a little bit longer. So let me break this down in coach mode. So what he's doing is he's turning the conversation into a fun courtroom argument that. So this makes sense to her and it resonates with her because she's an attorney. And he's also doing something really, really smart here. He's taking the topic they could be debating and he's making it about the first date itself, which is what is brilliant here because by winning the argument, he's winning a date with her. She agrees that they should go on a date. And if she didn't agree, that'd be fine. Then they could banter and debate that too. This could still have worked if he had just said motion counselor, the topic is tacos are better than pizza. That could still have worked really well. But I, I think he took it to a next level. The next level by making the debate about the actual topic of that they should go on a first date. So this is very smart, very fun. And what I love about this is he takes something that is as simple as just an opener. It's just an opener, but he elevates it. He's creating a world for the two of them. Basically, he's, he's the Pixar of Plenty of Fish or whatever app he was on. I was really impressed by this one. And this is a sort of an advanced online dating opener tip. But anytime you can create a fun role play, putting her in a position in a role, like in this case, there are two people debating a topic in court. The topic is they should go on a first date. I've done role plays, like the role play of pretending the woman you're sending the opener to, she's your ex girlfriend. So the opener was something like, hey, Rebecca, I can't. Oh my God, I can't believe it's you, my ex girlfriend, here on the app. You still look gorgeous even after our seven year relationship ended. You know, laughing emoji. So I'm creating a little role play where we get to pretend like we're former lovers reconnecting. So that's an advanced online dating opening move you can play around with if you'd like to. But if you're going to take away anything, anything from this episode, I want you to maybe go back and think about some of these magnetic openers. Every magnetic, not, maybe not everyone, but four of these five magnetic openers were playful. That's the dot that I would love for you to connect. Almost every magnetic opener here was playful. The only one that wasn't playful. Well, actually the Three Body Problem Sci Fi Nerd one. That was light. It wasn't exactly playful, but it was very light and it worked really well. But the other ones were all very playful. And that's an important commonality that makes openers work, is you just want to have fun. You want it to be about play. You might think that flirting is all about cool lines or making the right moves. It's not. Flirting is about play. It's not chess. It's tag. That's the game. Anyway, hey, thanks for listening. If you are interested in talking to me because you're thinking, hey, I want to understand how dating coaching works and if dating Coach Connell Barrett is the guy for me, then you can book a free call. Just go to datingtransformation.com and you and I can talk and figure out if coaching might be a good a good strategy for you. And just so you know, I'm now coaching men and women and the reason I say this is because I have less time now than ever to to take on new clients because I've just recently opened my coaching up to women and so I get busy quickly. So if you are a man listening to this and you want to talk with me, do it quickly or do it soon just because I'll be coaching women halftime and that's going to take up a lot of my slots. Anyway, thank you so much for listening. Till next time. Later, Sam.