← How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett
How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett
JUST. SAY. THIS. Your Cheat Sheet to Stop Freezing and Start Flirting in 7 Scary Dating Moments
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If you struggle with what to say to women, this episode of “How to Get a Girlfriend” is your flirting cheat sheet. Dating coach and bestselling author Connell Barrett gives you exact lines to use in 7 tricky dating situations. Plus, he shares his...
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Double texting. Triple texting is fine as long as you're playful. No woman has ever said, ugh, that guy is so charming and funny. Hard pass. Just say this. Welcome back to the how to Get a Girlfriend podcast. I'm your host, Dave Dating Coach Connell Barrett. I am help. I am help. You know what? I'm not even gonna edit that out. It. Let's lean into it. I am help. I am here to help you flirt like you mean it and know what to say and get a great girlfriend. And today's episode is about just keeping things simple and knowing what to say in seven scary dating moments. Think of this episode sort of like a cheat sheet so that you stop freezing up when you want to talk to a woman at the gym, or you want to talk to a woman at the coffee shop, or maybe it's online. Maybe you match with a woman. You finally get a good match and you're excited, but you don't know what to send for your opener. So today, I'm going to give you the seven exact lines to say to use when you don't know what to say, because I want you to feel a lot more certain and confident, and you know what to say when you want to break the ice with that woman. But I want to give you more than that today. I really want to also give you a new way to think so that you never have to get in your head, run out of things to say, a new way to think about flirting. Flirting, in one word, is play. It's playful. It's not a game of win or lose. It's a game of tag. Tag. You're it. Flirting is about playfulness. So not only am I going to give you the. The. The practical syntax of, oh, say this, say that, say this. What really makes this work, this being flirting, is getting into that playful, light mindset rather than a logical, analytical, informational mindset. And that's what changes everything. So let's get to it. Before we start with the first scenario, the first situation where you don't know what to say. Feel free to email me if you have any dating questions about flirting or dating in general. You can email me connellatingtransformation.com I check my email almost every day. You can also DM me on Instagram. DM me on Instagram. If you want to just kind of give me an update on what you're struggling with or how things are going in your dating life. And you can DM me on dat information. My Instagram handle is datingtransformation. Okay, let's get to it. Let's get to the cheat sheet. Here is situation number one. You want to approach her. You're at the gym, but you don't want to be creepy. You don't want to bother her, right? Well, here's what not to say. Don't say this. Wow, you look amazing in that outfit. And don't make it about her workout. Oh, my God, your form looks fantastic. You're just crushing it on those burpees. Instead, just say this. Hey, excuse me. I'm curious what's on your gym playlist today? Simple, right? Here's why this works. Talking about music is light banter, and it's not creepy. You know what's creepy at the gym? Or at least what can be perceived as creepy by women or others? It's talking about her outfit, her body, her workout, basically making it about her body. I'm not saying don't talk about fitness. That's a normal thing to talk about at the gym. But you don't want to say, oh, my God, you look amazing today. I love your outfit. That makes a woman feel objectified, especially at the gym. And here's a quick story. I used to be petrified to go approach women at the gym. I didn't want to be that guy who was like, weird gym guy who was hitting on women. And you know what? You don't have to be weird gym guy hitting on women. The secret to the gym icebreaker. And why I love asking a woman what's on her playlist is because it's just social, it's friendly. And you're taking away the thing that a woman would find creepy because you're not objectifying her. You're just asking her about music. So I test drove every one of these lines and things to say in this episode. I've test driven them all. I was at the gym once. I used to belong to Equinox. And this attractive woman, she left the treadmill she was on and she was walking to the drinking fountain. And I didn't want to interrupt her during her treadmill walk because, hey, she's dialed in. I want to respect that. But I saw a little window. She went to the drinking fountain and I just walked over and I kind of signaled that I wanted to ask her a question. And I made the take your earbuds out motion because she had her AirPods in. And I said, hey, I'm just curious, what's on your gym playlist today? What are you listening to? And she smiled and said, oh, I'M listening to. It was some kind of grunge 90s music which excited me because I'm from that era. I was around in the grunge era, so we started talking about Nirvana, talking about music and had a really good light, friendly conversation. This didn't even lead to a phone number or a date. This was early in my approaching journey when I was trying to get over my approach anxiety. But I remember thinking, oh my gosh, you can just walk up to a woman and ask her what she's listening to. It's not creepy. Look, the gym is a social club. It's okay to be social. It's not creepy or weird to say, hey, excuse me, I'm curious, what's on your gym playlist today? I've asked many women. My clients have asked this of many women. Oftentimes it's a podcast. Oftentimes they're listening to a cool pump up song about that gets them in the zone. So that's a really good question. There you go. That is what to say. Number one. Here's situation number two. Let's say you match with your ideal woman on the dating apps, but you just don't know what to write for your opener. Especially when she's really attractive and you're excited, right? It's like if you're not that into the match, it's easy to come up with something. But when she's really pretty, totally your type, that's when you get in your head. Well, here's what not to say. Don't say, hey, how's your week going? Say this instead. Give her a pop quiz. Just say this. Pop quiz. What's the highlight of your week? A. Great coffee. B. Yoga. C. Matching with me. Winky emoji. Again. Make it a quiz. Make it look like a quiz. Right? Pop quiz, exclamation point. What's the highlight of your week? And then line break. A. Great coffee. B. Yoga. C. Matching with me. And give her it's basically a little a fun little pop quiz. Here's why this works. Flirting is about playfulness. Flirting is about play. It's that simple. And this pop quiz turns a boring opener. Hey, how's your week going? Into something cheeky and fun. Think about it. Do you really care how her week is going? No. I mean, you don't not care, but you don't really care. So by not caring, you're just trying to come up with something to say and that comes off as a little bland and boring. But if you turn how was your week into hey, Pop quiz. What was the highlight of your week? You're making it fun for her. Every woman's magazine has quizzes. Women love a quiz. What's your type? What your sign says about you? What is your personality? Women love quizzes. And so this is basically speaking in the language of quizzes and playfulness. And notice what number or option C is. Right. Option C is matching with you. Me. And that's a little bit cheeky. It's a little bit cheeky. Competent, and that's attractive. And what you're doing here is taking a cliched question and turning it into something that is engaging for her. Easy to answer. You're also making it really easy to answer. The wrong way to write an opener is say something to her that asks her to write you a hundred words. So tell me about why you decided to go to that college. Ugh. Women don't want to work that hard. She can just answer, oh, yoga was my highlight, or, oh, I had the most amazing coffee yesterday. That's easier to answer than a boring opener. All right, before we get to situation number three, which I think you're going to love because you're probably afraid of double texting, just a quick little message. If you are looking to get really good at flirting, if you're not sure what to say, if you're curious how coaching works, then you can go to my website, datingtransformation.com I enroll a couple of clients, new guys, every month. And if you want to stop freezing and stop struggling with not knowing what to say and get really good at flirting, you can book a free consultation with me. We would get on the phone briefly, very chill, very relaxed, no pressure to work with me. I only work with men who are like the right fits to get a girlfriend to get great at flirting. So you can book a free call. Free. Consult with me or my team@datingtransformation.com. feel free to do that if you'd like. Okay, situation number three. Let's say she stopped texting you back a woman you're into, but she stopped texting you back, and you're not sure what to write, but you're afraid that double or triple texting is going to come off as needy. Well, don't say this. Here's what not to say. Hey, are you there? Just checking in. Hello, are you there? No version of that. No bueno. Just say this instead. Write this. Hey, Chatgpt, this cool, cute girl went quiet. Should I text her again or join a monastery with a little thinking emoji? Here's why this works. This creates a fun roleplay that invites her to reply. It's self effacing, it's self amusing, and it's just playful. Again, there's that word again. Play, right? And you're basically cracking a joke. It's a fun, witty, funny way of saying, hey, are you there? It's me. Without coming off as needy. What's needy would be to say, hello, Are you blowing me off? Are you ghosting me? Here's why this works. The hey, ChatGPT, here's why it works. First of all, everybody's on AI to an extent these days, or almost everybody. And it's a fun little. Obviously, it's a fun little role play where you're pretending that you meant to send that to Chat, but you sent it to her. And what this does is it creates a fun little role play that invites her to reply, right? It makes it really easy for her to say, oh, yeah, you should definitely text me again. Or she might crack a joke and say, well, I don't know, you might want to join a monastery. Or she might say, lol. I think you might have meant that for ChatGPT. Bottom line is this will make her laug. And if you get her laughing, you have a high chance that she'll write you back. Okay? And here's why. This is not needy. Double texting, triple texting is fine as long as you're playful. No woman has ever said, ugh, that guy is so charming and funny. Hard pass. No, thanks. No, women don't say that. Here's a quick story. I realized the power of playful fun texting. Many years ago. I was really getting good at texting women and kind of understanding. Oh, man, this is how it works. This is how you get people. Women writing you back. I matched with a woman on a dating app called the League. Her name is Annie. I'll call her Annie, not her real name. And Annie and I were trying to set up a joke. Joke, a date. And it just got. We got kind of bogged down into logistical planning. Text back and forth. It was like, oh, I'm not busy this week. And I wasn't busy. A different week. It became very logistical and dry and boring. And then she finally said, hey, Connell, just letting you know I kind of have a date with a guy. And I just. I don't like going out with more than one guy at one time. So I don't think it's going to happen, but I wish you well. So she blew me off or was getting Ready to. And I thought, okay, I can either give up or I can play with her and have some fun. So I wrote back, hey, no worries, Annie. I respect that. Too bad, though, because I guess I'll have to return the engagement ring I bought you. Little engagement ring emoji. She wrote me back, lol. Oh, that's very funny. That's so nice that you bought me a ring now. She is now playing with me. I. E. Flirting with me. And I wrote back, well, don't get too excited. It's cubit zirconia. It's not a real diamond. And she wrote back, lol. Oh, that's too bad. I want a real diamond from the man I end up with. And she said, oh. And she said, that's okay. I'll probably. I'm clumsy. I'll probably trip and fall and lose it. And then I wrote back, that is so you. I love how cute and clumsy you are. It's why I proposed to you in the first place. And then this builds and builds over three or four messages back and forth. Then I joke and I say, hey, I have an idea. Why don't I come along on that date with you, with that guy? It's you. It's me. It's him. You bring one rose. May the best man win. And she wrote back, you know, rolling on the floor, laughing, ha, ha ha. Then my phone rings. It's Annie. She called me and she just said, hey, I really want to talk to you. Maybe we should meet up. We had a date a couple nights later. We ended up. She spent the night at my place. We ended up dating for a while, all because I was playful and making her laugh through the lens of playfulness, fun and. Yeah, so that's just a little window into what's possible with the playfulness I want you to bring to your texting. All right, let's go to situation number four. Here's a common one. You want to ask a girl out. You want to ask a woman out, but you're not sure how to do it without getting rejected, right? How do you ask her out? Here's what you don't say. Don't say this. Are you free Friday at 7? Just say this instead. Hey, let me plan a date for us. Let me plan a fun date for us. What nights are you free this week? Here's why this works. Asking a woman out for a specific day and time is very hit or miss, because she might not be free Friday at 7. And every time you ask a woman out and she has to say no or does say no, you're spending currency. You're spending currency that you've earned by being cool and awesome and being the cool guy you are. And so you don't want to get stuck in this. You don't want to get stuck in the vicious cycle of, hey, are you free Friday? Oh, no, I'm sorry, I'm not. Oh, okay. How about Saturday? No, my grandma's in town Sunday. Oh, no, I got brunch. That's a losing proposition. So here's what you say again. I'll repeat it. Just say this. Let me plan a fun date for us. What nights are you free this week? This allows her to go into her schedule. First of all, think of the good message this sends. Let me plan a fun date for us. Women love a man with a plan. They love it. So be a man with a plan. What nights are you free? This gives her a window and skyrockets your odds of getting a date because all of a sudden, she might not be free Friday at 7, but she's going to be free one night that week. Very likely. Unless she's traveling. So then she says, oh, well, I. I'm free Thursday. Boom. Go out with her Thursday, assuming that you're free. I hope this makes sense. Hope this makes sense. This is so simple. I have a client named Matt who showed me his text messages. And he showed me this screenshot of a woman who he said, oh, she's not into me. She rejected me. I said, what do you mean? And I looked at his text and he simply asked her out for a very specific thing on a very specific day. It was like, hey, let's go grab a glass of wine on Sunday night at 6. And she said, oh, I can't. That's the night I do my book club. And he wrote me. He said, hey, coach, guess what? I got rejected. And I said, you didn't get rejected. You just asked her out the wrong way. So don't ask out for a specific day if you can help it. The only time you want to do it is if it's literally the only night you're free. If that's the case, fine. But then you want to give her as much advanced warning as possible for three or four or five days at least. Okay? Oh, by the way, don't forget, if you have any. By the way, if any flirting questions or any thoughts have come up in so far 15 minutes into this episode, don't forget, you can DM me on Instagram. I check my Instagram DMS almost every day. And you can email me connell@datingtransformation.com okay, let's go to the next situation. You're on a first date, but you're running out of things to say. Well, don't say this. Nothing. Don't say nothing. Do not allow awkward silences to happen. Those are not an option. Few things will kill a first date faster with a woman than four, five, six straight seconds of awkward silence. Now, there are such things as good silence. There's romantic tension, silence. There's ways to have. Don't be afraid of all silences. But we don't want awkward silence for five seconds on a first date. So don't say nothing, okay? Instead, just say this. Here's your back pocket thing to say on a first date so you never run out of things to say. What's a random thing that you're weirdly good at? Put that in your back pocket. What's a random thing that you're weirdly good at? Just have that ready. Here's why this works. This back pocket question. It's really great in a pinch because you can ask any woman this at almost any time on a first date because you're still getting to know her. I've asked my girlfriend this question. I don't remember if I asked on our first date, but I think I asked it maybe on date number two. Now, this works because it gives your brain. It's like break glass for a thing to say. You'll never run out of things to say if you have one thing where you can break that glass. And this will free your mind to not worry so much about running out of things to say. If you notice those two or three seconds of silence, you can say, oh, by the way, I was going to ask you what's a random thing that you're weirdly good at? It's also a great question because you're asking her about her favorite subject herself. Everybody's favorite subject is themselves, mine included. And you're asking her to brag a little bit about something she's good at. And the word weirdly does some good work here because you're asking her to dig a little bit deeper and come up with something kind of, what is she weirdly good at? If I recall, I think I asked my girlfriend Jess this and she said dancing. And like, a very specific kind of dancing. So my girlfriend does this class called SAS Class, and she used to perform in music videos. Like, really cool, fun, choreographed, well produced music videos. It was her. And 6, 7, 8, 10, other women dressed beautiful, know sexy, slinky clothes, dancing to cool music. And she said, oh, I'm a pretty good dancer. I can dance in high heels really well. And then all of a sudden she's showing me her sexy dance videos on maybe our second date. And that's a good thing to, to be talking about. And so I also have a client named Michael. He used to run out of things to say on a date or at least worry about it. So he used this one as his back pocket topic, back pocket question. And he just threw it out one night and said, oh, by the way Emily, what's a random thing that you're weirdly good at? And she said, oh, karaoke, I love karaoke. And they started talking about karaoke. Turns out he likes it too. And they ended up leaving the venue where they were, whatever bar, and they went to a karaoke bar and they ended their first date singing Total Eclipse of the Heart as a duet. Great first date in that a date. The first date ended. I believe their first kiss was during karaoke, during the karaoke part of their date. So yeah, that simple question led to Michael and Emily having their first kiss or making it easier for that to happen. Okay, let's go to situation number six. You're on a date and you can feel yourself falling into the friend zone. Well, don't say this, don't say damn, you're hot, or don't, don't give her a physical sexual compliment. A lot of really bad so called dating experts who don't know jack shit about what they're talking about. Always mental. Say, oh, tell her she's sexy. Be sexual, tell her she's hot. Well, no, don't do that because that can make a woman feel objectified. Instead, just say this, say I like that you're so. And then fill in the blank for an attractive trait. I like that you're so attractive trait, I find that very sexy. End quote. I'll say it again, hey, I like that you're so attractive trait. I find that very sexy. Saying you're hot or you're sexy or trying to make things, quote unquote sexual, that can make a woman feel objectified. It can also make her feel like you have an agenda. It can also make a woman feel like, oh man, he's trying to steer this towards sex stuff. And that agenda is kind of icky to women. It's a bit creepy or can be. However, what you want to do instead is tell her a quality, an actual trait that you find sexy and attractive. About her. Could be her intelligence, could be her boldness, could be her silliness. I would say you want to wait until at least halfway through the date to throw this on the table, because you need to earn it. It's got to be authentic. It's got to be real. I go on and on about the power of authenticity. Women like you for you, but they like what you say. If you mean it right, you want to flirt like you mean it. You want to say things you mean. Women can tell if you're full of shit, saying stuff you read on a dating post or forum. They want the real thing. So. So you want to mean the attractive trait. You got to mean it. But ask yourself, if you are attracted to this woman. Ask yourself, okay, what do I find really attractive about her besides her eyes, her lips, her mouth? Obviously, you're allowed to be attracted to a woman's physicality. Nothing wrong with that. But we don't want to make her sexiness about her physical appearance only. We want to make it about her, the person. So ask yourself, what do I find really attractive about her? Is it her presence? Her feminine giggle? Her laughter? I was on a first date once with a woman named Claudia and a lovely woman from South America. I believe she's from Brazil. She was visiting New York once upon a time, and we were on a date. And I just was so caught up in her laugh. She had a lilting, feminine laugh. And I said. I said something like, I just love the way you laugh. It's so feminine and lilting. I find it very sexy. So it can be the way she laughs. It could be a cute little mannerism. It could be a true inner quality. I've told this moment, told this story before, but it's worth repeating. On my first date with Jess, my girlfriend, I was just so blown away by how witty and funny she is. She's the wittiest, funniest person I know, including me on my better days. I'm pretty witty and funny, and she was just knocking me out. And I remember we were. We were on my rooftop in my last apartment building on a rooftop. And I said, hey, I just got to tell you that I think you're so witty and funny. I find it so sexy. I'm usually the funny one on a date, and I'm just trying to keep up with you. And I could sort of see how that made her go, oh, yeah. And this works for a couple reasons. It's honest, it's authentic. You're telling her you see the inner beauty and Finding the inner woman sexy, that's powerful. Men don't do that. Not very often. Men just go, you're hot, man. You're hot. You don't want to be like that. And the other thing is, if she is an attractive woman, you know, she's heard that before. There's nothing wrong with telling a pretty woman she's pretty. It's just that it's very common. It's a bit of a cliche. So she's heard it before. But I don't think my girlfriend Jess heard from too many men how witty and intelligent and funny she is. She mostly heard, oh, you're so cute. You're a very pretty, cute blonde. But I was trying to stand out, and it must have worked, because now she's my girlfriend. Okay, here we go. Last one. Here's situation number seven. Let's finish strong here. You want to go for that first kiss, but you're afraid she'll turn the cheek and reject you. Here's what not to say. Can I kiss you? Here's what to say instead. I want to kiss you. Did you hear the difference in the way I said those two sentences? Can I kiss you? That's seeking permission. Is it okay if I kiss you? Can I be your. The man who kisses you? Please. Versus, Hey, I want to kiss you. Women like a man. Here's why this works. Women like a man who knows what he wants and says it. Now, she's either gonna give you the green light, which I love. You know, she's gonna. If you look a woman in the eye and say, hey, I really want to kiss you, you're giving her the gift of not lurching at her. She might not be ready to kiss yet. I don't want you to have to get a turned cheek if you can avoid it. So saying I want to kiss you gives. It creates a couple of really good energies. It creates a romantic sexual tension, or it can. It shows that you are letting her know what you want, and that's very attractive to women. Five of the sexiest, hottest words a woman can hear on a first date is, I want to kiss you. Said by the right man at the right time. So what this does is it creates that romantic tension, and also it gives her information. You're telling her what you want, and now she can respond either with a green light or a yellow or a red light. And that's helpful for you, right? So she'll either give you a green light and say, well, what are you waiting for? I've had women Say, what are you waiting for? Then, boom, you go in and kiss. Or she might say, no, not here. I don't like pda. And she's basically saying, yellow light, kiss me later. And if she gets tense and is like you do, oh, okay, well, then don't go for the kiss at all and give it more time. That's helpful to know. Bottom line is this is a win win. Because either you go for the kiss because she's telling you you can, or you know that you shouldn't yet. But you get points for even bringing it up. You get points for being that guy who's putting it on the table. Hey, I want to kiss you. And if she's into it, she's going to be like, kiss me, you fool. And if she's not into it yet, she'll let you know and she'll appreciate that you didn't lurch at her and have some awkward tongue down situation. Here's what not to do. Don't do what I did once on a date many moons ago. I went to a bar here in New York City. I'm a baseball fan. I'm a Red Sox. I was a Red Sox fan back in the day, and I went to a Yankees bar with a woman who's a Yankees fan at the time, or was or is. This is a million years ago, and our first date was at this Yankees bar. Mickey Mantles, it's called. I don't know if it's still there, but it was. Anyway, had a pretty darn good first date. It was kind of fun and flirty. I'm a Red Sox guy at the time, she's a Yankees fan, so it was like a fun little opposites attract thing. It was actually going pretty well. The date was winding down and I'm walking her to the subway. But I'm nervous. I'm in my head, I'm like, should I kiss her? Should I not? I don't want to get in the friend zone, but I also don't want to be creep. Bottom line is, she has her head turned away from me, looking at the subway she's about to walk into. And then she turns her face back toward me and my lips are right an inch away. I totally blindsided her and my teeth sort of slammed into her chin. So awkward. One of the most awkward dating moments of my life. It was so awkward. And she never wanted to see me again. Never wanted to see me again. And I think that it was that moment where I lost her. It was going pretty well until then. It was just awkward and just. It's a terrible way to end the date, by the way. Either you win or you learn. And I learned something that night. So had I just said, hey, eye contact, smile, I want to kiss you even though you're a Yankees fan, then I'm sure, I'm almost sure we would have kissed and I probably would have had a second date with her anyway. That's my story of what not to do. Anyway. Hey, thank you so much for listening. By the way, if you are really fucking ready and done and so tired of, I don't know, friend zoning, struggling to make sparks happen. If you just need help, then again, I'm a dating coach. I'm available to talk to men who might want to know how one on one dating coaching with me would work. So feel free to go to datingtransformation.com if that interests you. And if it doesn't, no worries. Come back for the next episode. I got a lot more great episodes coming up with lots of great flirting tips, online dating content. I've got some really good, really good stuff. I'm always working really hard to try to innovate my coaching and get the best results for my clients, but also for anybody who's watching SL listening to me. So until next time, thank you, Sam.