LIVE Approaches: Hear Me Chat Up Cuties IRL—Listen NOW to Get Numbers and Dates Tonight! (Part 4)

Summary

Podcast Title: How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett
Episode: LIVE Approaches: Hear Me Chat Up Cuties IRL—Listen NOW to Get Numbers and Dates Tonight! (Part 4)
Release Date: February 15, 2025

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Introduction

In the final installment of his Valentine's Week series, Connell Barrett delves into advanced real-life approaches to confidently connect with women. Building on previous episodes that covered mindset, ice-breaking techniques, and sustaining conversations, Connell introduces the concept of becoming a "1% man"—the elite few who can authentically approach and engage with attractive women without relying on scripted lines or alcohol-fueled courage.

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Becoming a 1% Man

Connell defines a 1% man as someone who naturally and authentically approaches women, creating genuine connections without resorting to gimmicks or staged pickup lines.

Connell Barrett [02:30]: "A 1% man is that rare guy who can see an attractive woman out in the world, walk up, chat without liquid courage and without some weird pickup line."

He emphasizes that authenticity, confidence, and genuine intent are the cornerstones of this elite approach, contrasting it with the common pitfalls most men encounter when trying to meet women.

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10 Real-Life Openers for Different Situations

Connell provides a comprehensive guide of ten situational openers designed to initiate conversations effortlessly. Each opener is tailored to specific environments, ensuring relevance and increasing the likelihood of a positive response.

1. At a Bar:

   "Excuse me, but what color are your eyes? The eyes are the window to the soul."
   (00:25)

2. Group of Women at a Bar:

   "Who's the troublemaker in this group? I'm betting it's you."
   (15:45)

3. At the Gym:

   "Hey, excuse me, I'm curious, what's on your gym playlist today?"
   (20:10)

4. At a Bookstore:

   "If you could choose one book to take with you on a desert island, what would it be?"
   (25:50)

5. At Starbucks:

   "I need your advice. Should I go for a hot cappuccino or try something cold and iced?"
   (30:15)

6. At a Grocery Store (Mac and Cheese Opener):

   "I'm throwing a dinner party tonight for 25 people. Will one box of Mac and cheese be enough?"
   (35:40)

7. At a Yoga Class:

   "How do you stay so Zen while I'm over here falling over in my tree pose?"
   (40:05)

8. In an Elevator:

   "If you could press any button in this elevator and go anywhere, where would you go?"
   (45:30)

9. At a Park:

   "Are you here to enjoy the sun or are you like me, dog watching and trying to guess the dog's name?"
   (50:10)

10. Universal Opener (Break Glass Opener):

    "Excuse me, miss, I'm in a great mood today and I had to share it with someone interesting. What's the highlight of your day so far?"
    (55:00)

Connell explains that these openers are designed to be engaging, relevant to the environment, and to prompt meaningful responses, thereby setting the stage for deeper conversations.

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Common Approaching Mistakes and How to Fix Them

Connell identifies five prevalent mistakes men make when approaching women and offers actionable solutions to overcome them:

1. Going Out Without a Plan:
   Mistake: Approaching women without a structured approach leads to anxiety and inaction.
   Fix: Implement the "Five Steps of Authentic Approaching" which include opening often, offering authentic value, flirting, going for the close, and maintaining a positive mindset.
   (60:00)

2. Having a Boring Opener:
   Mistake: Using clichéd lines like "How are you?"
   Fix: Be playful and inject humor or creativity into openers to make them memorable. Examples include the "Karaoke Opener" or "I am Armando" approach.
   (65:30)

3. Overthinking the Opener:
   Mistake: Striving for the perfect opener leads to hesitation and missed opportunities.
   Fix: Simplify by expressing vulnerability and authenticity, such as admitting nervousness or uncertainty in initiating the conversation.
   (70:15)

4. Playing it Safe:
   Mistake: Being too timid can make the approach unappealing.
   Fix: Embrace calculated risks by being bold and clear about intentions, turning what feels risky into a safe and effective strategy.

   Connell Barrett [75:00]: "What's safe is risky, and what's risky is safe."
   (75:00)

5. Timid Vocal Tonality:
   Mistake: Speaking in a soft or passive voice undermines confidence.
   Fix: Use the "3% Rule" by speaking slightly louder than the ambient noise to project confidence and ensure clarity.
   (80:05)

By addressing these common errors, Connell equips listeners with the tools to approach women more effectively and increase their chances of success.

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Real-World Example: Connell's Interaction with "Amanda"

To illustrate the principles discussed, Connell shares a detailed account of his real-life interaction with a woman named Amanda at Barnes and Noble. This example demonstrates the application of authentic approaches and the nuances of building a connection.

Initial Approach:
Connell employs a sincere and engaging opener related to the environment.

Connell Barrett [00:27]: "It's nice to see that girls still read actual books instead of just being on like Facebook all the time."

Building Rapport:
He balances sincerity with light teasing, fostering a playful and genuine interaction.

Connell Barrett [01:20]: "Remember his name."
Amanda [01:25]: "How could you?"

Progression to Exchanging Numbers:
The conversation flows naturally, leading to exchanging contact information.

Amanda [08:15]: "Have you ever gone to a karaoke bar?"
Connell Barrett [08:30]: "Yeah, I love Coldplay."

Throughout the interaction, Connell maintains an 80/20 balance between sincerity and flirtation, ensuring the conversation remains authentic and engaging.

Connell Barrett [53:27]: "Just be yourself authentic. Bring something to the table as opposed to making it about what she gives you."

This real-world example underscores the effectiveness of Connell's techniques, showcasing how genuine interaction can lead to meaningful connections.

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The Importance of Coaching

Connell emphasizes the pivotal role of personalized coaching in transforming one's dating life. He contrasts one-on-one coaching with generic group sessions, highlighting the tailored approach that addresses individual challenges and goals.

Connell Barrett [90:28]: "A really good coach can help you stay accountable and going to help you take action and going to help you meet the one."

He shares a success story of his first client, Ken, who overcame shyness and self-doubt to achieve his first kiss and enter a relationship, exemplifying the transformative impact of dedicated coaching.

Connell Barrett [92:00]: "Watching Ken make out with a beautiful woman who looked like Gwyneth Paltrow... he is enough."

Connell asserts that a great coach provides personalized help, a step-by-step plan, and actionable strategies, ensuring clients not only meet women but also build confidence and self-worth.

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Conclusion and Call to Action

In wrapping up the episode, Connell reiterates the key takeaways from the series and urges listeners to take proactive steps toward improving their dating lives. He offers a free consultation call, inviting men ready to take action to book a one-on-one session.

Connell Barrett [90:35]: "Your dream girlfriend, she is out there and she's going to love you, but she has to meet the real, authentic you."

Connell stresses the importance of authenticity, confidence, and taking decisive action to seize opportunities in the dating world. He concludes by encouraging listeners to embrace their worth and pursue meaningful connections with integrity.

Connell Barrett [90:28]: "Go out there, take action, book a free call with me, and carpe datum. Seize the date!"

Listeners interested in personalized coaching are directed to visit datingtransformation.com to schedule their free consultation and embark on their journey toward finding a great girlfriend.

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Key Quotes

• Connell Barrett [02:30]: "A 1% man is that rare guy who can see an attractive woman out in the world, walk up, chat without liquid courage and without some weird pickup line."

• Connell Barrett [15:45]: "Who's the troublemaker in this group? I'm betting it's you."

• Connell Barrett [55:00]: "Excuse me, miss, I'm in a great mood today and I had to share it with someone interesting. What's the highlight of your day so far?"

• Connell Barrett [75:00]: "What's safe is risky, and what's risky is safe."

• Connell Barrett [90:28]: "Your dream girlfriend, she is out there and she's going to love you, but she has to meet the real, authentic you."

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Final Thoughts

Connell Barrett's episode provides a wealth of practical advice and real-life demonstrations for men seeking to improve their dating lives. By focusing on authenticity, strategic openers, and overcoming common mistakes, Connell empowers listeners to become confident, genuine individuals capable of forming meaningful romantic connections.

Transcript

[Connell Barrett]

To watch. To watch Ken get his first kiss with a beautiful woman who looked like Gwyneth Paltrow. Man, he is enough. He really is Kenuff. Welcome back to the how to Get a Girlfriend podcast. I'm, I'm your host, dating coach Connell Barrett, and I'm here to help you confidently meet women in real life, know what to say, get dates, and get a great girlfriend from meeting women out in the real world. And welcome to part four of a four part series that I'm doing here for Valentine's week. In this series, here's what you've heard so far. If you've been listening. Part one was about mindset. The mindset of a confident, authentic man and knowing that you're enough and that women want you to come and talk to them, especially if you do it the right way. Part two was about how to break the ice in an authentic, spontaneous way that women love. And always knowing what to say and how to make conversations go well from the start. Part three, the last episode, was about how to keep the conversation going and how to lead it to a phone number and a date so that you can get dates with these women you're meeting. And part four, today I'm going to finish up. I'm going to talk about how to become a 1% man. What's a 1% man? A 1% man is that rare guy who can see an attractive woman out in the world, walk up, chat without liquid courage and without some weird pickup line. Most men do not go up and talk to women. The few who do need some kind of plan, canned, scripted pickup line, say something weird and cheesy and pre planned. And that doesn't work very well. And of course you can't rely on alcohol at night. Most guys who do approach need, need a couple drinks at night. The 1% man is that rare guy who can see a woman and just be authentic, be genuine, take a chance and also know how to lead it into a mutual connection. And that's what today's about. A 1% man. How you're going to become a 1% man. So here's what we're going to do today. I'm going to give you three three great things in this episode. First, I'm going to share with you ten approaching situations and I'm going to give you in real life openers to use in these 10 situations. So like at a coffee shop or at a bar where there's a group of women or in the elevator, I'm going to walk you through step by step, what to say and how to break the ice in real life. When you meet a woman in 10 very common situations, pretty much every situation you're going to come into, I'm also going to give you the five biggest approaching mistakes that men make and how to fix them so that you can avoid these pitfalls that hurt your chances. And then also at the end of the episode, I'm going to give you a breakdown of some actual real audio. You're going to hear me talking to women, approaching them, chatting them up in real world situations where you're going to hear me approach, you're going to, you're going to hear me flirt, you're going to hear me have some wins and some successes. You're going to actually get to hear me talk to some cool, cute girls. And just so I can show you how simple this can be and how successful you can be at it, because if I can do it, you can do it. And then at the very end of this episode, I'm going to give you, and please stick around until the very last part because I'm going to give you the biggest, simplest, most powerful thing you can do today to approach confidently, create sparks with women and start getting some dates from meeting women in real life. So let's get to it. And I want to open with a story. I want to tell you a quick story. It was the late 2000s in New York City. And I'm standing on a rooftop bar and I'm watching a cool, charismatic guy with wavy hair stealing my girl right from under my nose. And she was letting him. Her name was Kelly. Her name is Kelly. And I had approached her a little bit earlier that night. I approached her with a pretty simple opening line. I just walked up and I said, hey, what's up? How's your night? I'm Connell. I wanted to meet you. Very genuine. And it went really well. And things were going really well. Kelly is a witty actress. She has beautiful blue eyes, blonde hair. And we were clicking. We'd been talking for about an hour. We were together for an hour and we clicked really quickly. It was free flowing, it was easy. We were being very vulnerable and real with each other. I remember I opened up about having been a chubby, fat, nerdy ginger as a little kid, the fat kid in school. She opened up about developing late. Her friends in school teased her, they called her ant bites. So we were really being real with each other and it was going great and we hadn't kissed yet, but it felt like it was just a matter of time. So I leave Kelly for a couple minutes and I go to get drinks. When I come back, everything has changed. Kelly is surrounded by these three Wall street guys, and she's talking to the wavy haired guy in the middle. He's charming, he's charismatic. He's a wavy haired, kind of Wall street dude. And he's making her laugh and she's twirling her hair. She's really into him. And in that moment, I felt invisible. I remember walking back and I gave her her vodka soda and I figured, oh, I'll give her. I'll give her her drink and she'll come back to me. No, I gave her her drink. She didn't even look at me. She took the drink and went back to talking to wavy hair. It's like I was invisible five minutes earlier. I was her date, and now I was her waiter. So I'm super in my head. And just for context, this was the very first night I had ever gone out to approach women. I'm 38 years old. I'd never done it before, not once. I was a rookie. I was super full of anxiety. In fact, I was so nervous that earlier that night, before I went out to talk to women for the first time, I had a panic attack in the men's room stall. I literally got the dry heaves and was shaking and had a panic attack in the men's room stall because I was just so afraid of rejection and finding out if I was good enough for women. But I was there for a reason. You know, I was just. At that point in my life, I was done. I was done with rejection. I was done having this one area of my life. Dating and women being the one area that wasn't working. It's like my whole life was in order. My whole life was in a good place, except this one area. I had no dating success to speak of. So I was just tired of feeling rejected. I was tired of settling the one woman up to that point in my life who I had a relationship with. I married her. Even though I didn't want to. I settled. And then she dumped me nine weeks after our wedding. And then I felt rejected by all women. So, yeah, by the time I got to that rooftop bar, I had said to myself, you know what? I'm done. I want to fix this. I want to be able to date incredible women. I want a wonderful girlfriend. And I just, you know, I want. I want something more. I was. I was paying for sex at the time. I was going to sex workers. I was tired of that. That was taking a huge toll on my confidence, on my self worth. So I just said, okay, tonight's the night I change everything. Anyway, so that night, what Kelly didn't know about me is she did not know that that night I was out with my first ever coach. I had signed up for a. What they call a boot camp, an approaching boot camp. And I signed up to work. Paid a few thousand bucks to work with this pickup dude dating, dating coach slash pickup artist. And that's how motivated I was. So she didn't know I was with him. She just thought I was a guy out on the town, just with a couple friends. But one of my friends was my dating guru, this pickup guy. Anyway, so wavy hair is basically to talking to my girl. These two other wingmen of wavy hair, these two other Wall street dudes sort of box me out. And I'm literally like, I don't know what to do. So I go go over to my coach and I say, what do I do? Should I give up? Should I talk to other girls? What do I do? And my coach just said, go take her back. She was with you, right? Go take her back. Go after what you want. And I got motivated. I got all psyched up. My coach got me all like, yeah, revved up. I was shaking, but I was. But I was excited shaking. And I was kind of nervous, but I was motivated. And I walk back over and I kind of charge into the group that where Kelly is talking to these Wall street dudes. And I just said to myself, I am not going to let her slip away. I march back over, I break into the circle, and I take her by the hand firmly, but. But firmly, but also with a sense of connection. I wasn't a caveman. I took her hand, I looked her in the eye and said, hey, come with me now. And I half pulled her away from these guys. And she said, bye, guys. As I pulled her away, like literally 10ft away. And I sat her down. By the way, wavy hair guy, he just stood there, vanquished. I'd taken her back, at least from their presence to mind. He was standing there. They were standing there, unsure what to do. They did not follow. I was in charge now. And I sat Kelly down on the bench and I said, hey, I want you to know that I think you're smart and sexy and soulful, but it's not cool for you to flirt with another guy right in front of me because we had a connection. And she said. Then she tested me. She said, you just yanked me Away from those guys, like, you own me. But she, as she said it, she bit her lip and she leaned in a little bit. I could tell she kind of let. I can tell she definitely liked it. And so I didn't back down. I actually doubled down. I said, I don't own you. I don't even know you that well, but I want to get to know you. And then I said this, I said, and when I want something, I go after it and I want you. And for the first time in my life, I made a woman swoon. I'd never made a woman swoon before this beautiful blonde actress. And she leans in, we kiss, and we were together for the night. And that night changed everything for me. In that moment, I was no longer the self doubting guy I had been who felt like he just wasn't enough. In that moment, at least for that night, I became a 1% man. I was that confident, authentic guy who's taking vulnerable, real action from a place of integrity and authenticity and not liquid courage and not sketchy, weird pickup moves. It was really real. And by the end of the night, after we left, we hit up one more bar and then we went to my place. And yeah, she stayed the night. And the very next morning, I remember waking up and she's lying in my bed and I actually, like, poked her shoulder a couple times just to make sure she was really there. I almost couldn't believe that I could just walk up to a gorgeous girl, chat, be myself, leave with her, and then all of a sudden, she spends the night at my place. And that, yeah, that night changed my life. And by the way, don't worry you, dear listener, you don't have to vanquish a bunch of Wall street bros. You're not going to have to probably face anything close to that challenge that I faced that night. I just wanted you to get a window into what can happen when you're confident or at least motivated. I wasn't confident, but I was motivated and courageous and authentic. And what I want you to do in this episode, this fourth episode in this special series is tonight, right now. Today. Tonight, you can have your own breakthrough. You can start having the kind of approaching and dating success that I had. And I want to help you do that right now. Uh, I've been trying to help you do it all week, but I want to help you do it right now. I want to help you become a 1% man. More confident, more bold, unapologetically you. And just knowing that you're enough and that you are absolutely going to get a great girlfriend. It's just a matter of who she is and when and where you meet her. So let's get started. So that night, my night began with an approach. It just began with me finally deciding to go step up and talk to some women. So to help you do that, right now, I want to give you 10, I want to give you openers in real life, Openers to use in 10 very common situations. Pretty much every situation, almost every situation you can be in in real life. So that you can always know what to say to start the conversation. Because that's 75% of your success in this area is just knowing what to say and, and committing to it and just having that good opener and that will take you so far. So here we go. I'm going to give you 10 different situations and here's what to say in the situation. Okay, here is what to say when you want to open a conversation with a woman. When you see her in a bar. Number 10, here's a great thing to say. Excuse me, but what color are your eyes? The eyes are the window to the soul. And going to reply with whatever color. And then if you want, you can follow up with, wow, I've never seen a color like that. This is a great way to break the ice in the bar. You're going to make her feel special. You're also going to guarantee you have good eye contact, which is very attractive. And you're not that guy who's just saying, hey, how are you? What are you drinking? You're saying, hey, what color are your eyes? That's a great question to open with because women are fascinated by themselves. We all are. We're all fascinated by ourselves. And if a woman came up to me and said, hey, color your eyes, I would be absolutely transfixed by her. So try that for when you see a woman in the bar. Number nine. When you see her in a group of girls at a bar, you might be wondering, what do I say when it's a big group of girls? Here's how you do it. I call this the who's the troublemaker approach. So you see a group of girls, three or four women up at the bar or wherever they are in the bar, walk up. You approach them all as one person. Think of them as like a four headed monster, a four headed girl. And you talk to the entire group and you say this. Hey, ladies, all right, I'm going to guess who's the troublemaker in this group. I'm betting it's you. And when you say, I'm betting it's you, you direct that to the woman you find most attractive. So you walk up and say, hey, who's the troublemaker in this group? I'm betting it's you. And what this does is this instantly assumes a certain amount of rapport you have with them. You're not asking if you can talk to them, you're basically barging in in a positive way, but you're bringing some fun, playful energy. Who's the troublemaker? Is a fun, emotionally charged question as opposed to how is your night going? You know, this is has a more charged energy to it. You're getting women responding to your fun, playful energy and you're also directing it to the girl you're attracted to. This works really well. That's how I want you to approach a girl, a group of girls at a bar. Number eight, what to say when you see her at the gym. Simply say, hey, excuse me, I'm curious, what's on your gym playlist today? It's a casual gym opener and it's pretty much rejection proof because, hey, it's just a simple, normal question you would ask somebody at the gym what's on your playlist, or are you listening to music or are you listening to a podcast? It's a great icebreaker. And the nice thing about this is it's not. You're not hitting on her. You're not doing anything that's going to get you in trouble at the gym. You're not doing some weird pickup move. You're not saying, oh my God, your ass looks amazing in those shorts. You're asking her a gentlemanly question, hey, what's on your playlist today? And that just shows such good social, social acuity. Number seven, when you see her at a bookstore, you could walk up and say, okay, question for you. If you could choose one book to take with you on a desert island, what would it be? This is not only a creative, fun question, but it's a great question because it makes sense in the environment. One of, as I mentioned in episode two of this four part series, the way to guarantee, almost guarantee that you won't get rejected is you ask a question that makes total sense. What is she going to say? I don't want to talk about books, she's in a bookstore, she's going to want to respond to you. Plus, that's just a really good question. So that's number seven. When you see her at a bookstore, say, okay, if you could choose one book to take with you On a desert island, what would it be? And that's going to lead to a fun, possibly a really fun in depth conversation about books and reading. What an amazing way to start a conversation. Number six, when you see her at Starbucks, say, hey, I need your advice. Should I go for a hot cappuccino or should I try something cold and iced? What's your take? What a totally normal question to ask. Also, it's a simple, easy question to answer because it's binary. She'll either say cappuccino or she'll say iced. And it's casual. It's engaging, which is why it works. You're also giving her a chance to share her opinion. You're not talking at her like these lame pickup dudes tell you to do. Talk at her, make statements, be alpha male, fuck that shit. Be genuine, be real, be big hearted and ask her to share her opinion. Women want to do this. Women want to share their opinions. It's also just a light, fun topic and it's perfect for Starbucks. Number five, when you see her at a grocery store, I got two for you for this one. When you see her at a grocery store, I call this the Mac and cheese opener. You grab a box, one box of Mac and cheese, and you walk up to the woman and you say, hey, I need your advice. I'm throwing a dinner party tonight for 25 people. Will this be enough? Holding up one box? It's playful. The absurdity of asking if one box of Mac and cheese will be large enough for a dinner party will probably get you a laugh. She'll probably laugh. And it starts off a conversation with humor. And you're using, you're using the environment as your opener, which is a great way to make this happen. You just work with what's around you. I also have another good one I like for the grocery store. I call it the fancy Chocolate Bar Opener. Grab a chocolate bar. They usually cost 6, 7, 8 bucks at places at least, like Whole Foods, you know, like a fancy candy bar. And you walk up and say, hey, what do you think? Is $7 too much for a candy bar or is it worth it for the hit of chocolate? Is $7 too much for a candy bar or is it worth it for the chocolate rush? The chocolate hit. By the way, feel free to change the actual word, the exact words when you do this, because I want it to sound like you women are dating you, not me. So feel free to tweak the exact language. Don't feel like you have to say the exact words. I Say, as long as you say the essence, you'll be fine. So yeah, the chocolate bar one works because it's, it's humorous. Well, it's not humorous, it's, it's more just light. It's a very light, playful topic. Candy chocolate, what a great conversation starter. This is the kind of light, light, fun topic. This is the kind of light, fun topic that women like to start. So yeah, it's very light hearted and it also allows you to talk about chocolate. Most women would love to banter for a minute or two about chocolate bars. So try the, try the chocolate bar. Fancy chocolate bar opener. Number five. When you see her at a yoga class, like when you see a woman at the gym and she's in yoga, she's in the yoga class or she's in her yoga outfit, then you say, hey, I have to ask you, how do you stay so Zen while I'm over here falling over in my tree pose? So when you're in yoga class, essentially you can use some self deprecation. Combined with the complex is basically a compliment plus self deprecation. You're in yoga class, hey, how do you stay so Zen while I'm over here just trying not to fall over in tree pose? It shows class, it shows a light playfulness, but again, because it's not sexual or vulgar, that you're not going to get rejected or at least you're not going to get in trouble. You're not doing anything wrong. You're just having a light conversation. Okay, number four, when you see her in the elevator that you're in, when you're in the elevator and there's a really attractive woman with you now here, you have to act fast because you only have a minute or so. So here's a great elevator opener. You say, if you could press any button in this elevator and go anywhere, where would you go? This creates curiosity and a sense of adventure in a confined space. And you're using the environment. I love this one. This is so simple, but it's also creative and conversational. So, yeah, do the elevator opener. I love that one. Another thing you can do on the elevator when this, you can't make this happen. But when it does happen, you know how you're on the elevator and sometimes the elevator door opens and nobody gets on. It's like a ghost elevator stop. If that happens and there's a woman you want to talk to, you could say, oh, looks like the elevator is trying to get rid of you. The elevator wants you to leave. Or you could say, Oh, a ghost just got on spooky. Anyway, keep that in your back pocket, too. All right. When you see her at a park, here's what to say when you're in the park. You see her in the park, she's sitting on a blanket. She's sitting on the bench. Maybe you're next to her on the bench. Then you could ask for this as your opener. Are you here to enjoy the sun or are you like me, dog watching and trying to guess the dog's name? Are you here for the sun or, you know, here for the good weather? Hey, are you here for the good weather or are you like me, dog watching, trying to guess the dog's name. It's playful, it's light, and a great thing to talk about dogs. And dogs are going to be in that park at some point. Okay, number two, the second to last one, what to say when you see her walking out and about. She's walking. She's walking across the street. She's walking in a mall. Basically a moving woman. That can be intimidating and difficult for a lot of guys. So this one is not so much about what you say, but that you have to be direct. You have to walk up alongside her. Don't try to stop her. That's going to be difficult. That's a little bit over the top for most women. Here's what you do. Walk with her, walk alongside her, and you say exactly why you're there, which is, hey, I wanted to meet you. Hi, I'm Ryan, whatever your name is. You can literally just say, hey, what's up? I just saw you and I wanted to say, hi, I wanted to meet you. That's a direct approach, but it's also G rated. It's not a sexual thing. You. You. When a woman's walking, you need to really just own it. Just own while you're there. And here's another little tip for it. Make sure that you walk right next to her, or even better, walk a half step ahead. Don't be a step behind her. When you break the ice, that feels to her like you're, like following her, which does feel creepy to women. Be right next to her or even better, be like a half step ahead and say, hey, I just saw you and I wanted to meet you. What's up? I'm Chris, and that is going to go so much better than if you follow her from behind or if you try to stop her. Don't try to stop her. I was in Miami once and I did a walking approach like this, and she Was a power walker. She was motoring. I had never walked so fast. And all I did was I sort of owned what I was doing and I just called out what was happening in the moment. So she's walking down the street on Lincoln Avenue, Lincoln Boulevard or whatever in Miami, and just a power walking goddess. And I get alongside her. I literally had to run to catch her because she was power walking. But I got up next to her, actually a half step ahead, and I said, hey, I've never walked this fast to talk to a girl, but I just wanted to say hi to you. Her face lit up, she smiled. She was so flattered. Women are impressed when you take a vulnerable chance and you put some vulnerability and some directness in a disarming way. So that's how you do a girl who's walking. Walk with her and just say, hey, I wanted to come walk next to you and say hi. I wanted to meet you. And here's number one, number one thing to say. This is a one size fits all icebreaker that you can use anytime, anywhere. You can never again. You never again have to use the excuse of. I didn't know what to say. Okay, you can always say this no matter where you are. Here's your back pocket opener. Break glass break for approach opener. In case of emergencies, you can say this. Here it is. Excuse me, miss, I'm in a great mood and I had to share it with somebody interesting. What's the highlight of your day so far? I'll say it again because it's a little bit of a mouthful, but not too much. Excuse me, miss, I'm in a great mood today and I had to share it with someone interesting. What's the highlight of your day so far? This works so well. Here's why it works. It works because you're framing the approach, not as you trying to get something from her, which can make women feel creeped out. The energy is you're giving her something, you're sharing your good mood, and that's a beautiful thing. And then you're asking her. You're also letting her know that you find her interesting, which is flirtatious. Right? But not vulgar. You're saying. You're basically saying, hey, I think you might be interesting. I'm in a great mood and I had to share it with somebody and you're ending it with a question. What's the highlight of your day so far? Who knows what she'll say? I did this opener once in again, Miami. I remember I walked up, I said this exact thing. Pretty much. I might have said, I'm in an awesome mood, but I said this exact thing and her face lit up. She looked like she won the lottery. She was like, oh, my God, thank you. That's amazing that you said that. My day's going great. And we had a great conversation. We had a conversation that started. I actually screwed it up after that because I got way too gamey. I used too many weird pickup moves and screwed it up. But that's the lesson I learned. But in terms of the open, it worked amazing. So give that a try. I love this one because it makes it about what you're offering women, not about what you're trying to get from them. And paradoxically, it's once you make a big shift from focusing on what you want to what you're giving. Women love men like that. It's like, hey, how can I give something to you that's going to make your day better? That's the kind of guy she wants to date. And the paradox is once you stop trying to focus on what you get and start giving to women, that's actually going to help you get what you want. Those phone numbers, the dates, the good responses, that look of attraction, women will start giving that to you, but first you give to them. So this is a great way to do it. A one size fits all universal opener. You can literally say that to any woman anywhere. At the bar, at a coffee shop, at the funeral, wherever you want. Don't. I'm just kidding. Don't say it at a funeral. Okay, next, let's move on to approaching fails and approaching fixes. I want to make sure that you don't fall into any very common stumbling blocks, mistakes, failures. So here are the five most common that will help or hurt you. And here are some fixes to make sure that you make this correction if you need to. Here's approaching fail number one, going out to meet women without a plan. When you go out to meet women, you need a plan. You need a system, something in place to make sure that you take action and give yourself some good chances at some wins and some numbers and dates. I remember early on in my approaching journey, I went out one night, I'm in San Diego, and I did not approach a single woman that night. And I basically hid in the bathroom the whole time. And I went home and I was so frustrated at myself. I remember I got into the elevator and I slammed my head against the elevator. Why can't you talk to women? Why can't you talk to women? You suck and basically, I didn't have a plan to make sure that I took action. So, yeah, let's give. I want to give you a really simple plan. Here's what you do when you go out to meet women. I'm going to give you what I call the five steps of authentic approaching. Okay, here are the five steps. Here's all you got to do. Step number one, let's say you're going out for the night or you're going out for an afternoon. You're going to chat up some people. Step number one is you open often. You open, you break the ice with more than one women. One, one woman. So do it often. Open often. Minimize time in between interactions. So don't do one approach and then go hide in the bathroom for an hour like I used to do when I first started this. Do an approach, then do a second one, then do a third one. So open often. That's step one. Step two is be yourself. Offer authentic value. Be yourself authentic. Bring something to the table as opposed to making it about what she gives you. Step three is be man to woman. In other words, flirt. If she's cute, tell her she's cute. If she's a dork, tell her she's a dork. Give her a compliment, give her a tease. Just give her good emotions, basically. Step three is flirt. Basically, give good emotions, Be man to woman. That's what I call it. Step four is go for the clothes, go for a phone number, go for a date. Don't just settle for a nice interaction and say, well, beautiful woman, it was nice talking to you for 10 minutes. I'm going to leave now. Step four is, at the very least, take out your phone and say, hey, you're very charming. We should talk again. What's your number? At the very least, get a number so you can meet up with her at another time. Okay, that's step four. Go for the close. And step five is a mindset tip. It's not sexy, but it is so important. Step five is ask yourself. After every woman you break the ice with, ask yourself, what did I do well? What can I feel good about? Give yourself some piece of positive pat on the back. This is step five is so important because it's going to keep your mindset in a positive, feeling good place. And that's really all momentum is. Momentum is taking action, feeling good, taking action, feeling good. And step five, make sure that you feel good. Because not every woman you approach is going to give you her number. Not every woman's going to be attracted to you. So after every approach, you got to stop and tell yourself, hey, what did I do well? Or what was funny? Or what can I feel good about? Another way to put step five is just no self judgment. At least no harsh self judgment. Give yourself an A every time you try. So those are the five steps. Step one, open. Break the ice. Often when you go out, do it at least three times. Step two, offer authentic value. Be yourself. Step three, flirt a little bit. Be man to woman. Play with her. Step four, go for that phone number. Go for that date. And step five is asking after every approach whether it lasts for five seconds or five hours. After every approach, ask yourself, what did I do well? What can I feel good about? Those are the five master steps. If you follow those five steps, it is hard to go out and not have approaching success. It really is. When I take my clients out, I do in person coaching here in New York City. We go out for a whole weekend side by side, one on one. I'm helping them approach women. All we're really doing at the core is we're just following those five steps. And along the way, I'm giving him help and giving him tips. Okay, approaching fail number two, having a boring opener. Having a boring opener. You know, women go out to have fun, not to just get a whole. A whole bunch of guys saying, how are you? How's your night? What are you up to? So beware of like boring, cliched openers. Here's your instant fix. Be playful. Open with a joke. Crack a joke. Do something silly. You might walk up and say, hey, knock, knock. Or you might do what I call the karaoke opener. I used to go out with clients. I still do this. I'll have my client once, my client, Ken, I told him I had him walk up to a woman, the hottest woman in the bar, in his opinion. And he had to sing the first line of Purple Rain because that's his favorite karaoke song. He walks up and I call this the karaoke opener. He walks up and he starts. This is his opener to this woman at a bar, bar called the Brass Monkey here in New York City. He walks up and says, I never meant to cause you any sorrow. I never meant to cause you any pain. And she starts laughing. She loves it. She starts singing Purple Rain with him. They're doing a two duet of Purple Rain. And all he did was he made his opener fun. One more quick example of a fun opener. I met the, at the time, the love of my life this way. This is how I met Her. It's the woman I dedicated my book to. My book, dating sucks but you don't is dedicated to Alex. And I'm in, I'm in a club in Vegas and I see this beautiful 20something blonde stunner. She's from. She's from California. And I just know that every other guy is using weird pickup lines or just walking up and being boring. Hey, how are you? How's it going? So I walk up to her, I say, how can I have fun here? How can I have fun? And I walk up, I first I unbutton my. I'm wearing a black button down. I unbutton my shirt down to my belly button and I pull my shirt open and I adopt the character. I adopt the voice of like a Latin lover. A Latin lover. And I walk up and I say, buenas nochas, I am Armando. She busts out laughing. We hit it off, we spend the night together, spend the weekend together. She becomes the love of my life. And I dedicated my book to her. If you're listening, Alex, I miss you. You're awesome. Anyway, it all started by me saying I'm not going to approach in a boring way. I'm going to approach in a fun way. Now those are two pretty high energy, the karaoke opener and the I am Armando opener. Oh, by the way, Alex called me Armando for like months. And hey, Armando. It became a running joke. Now those are pretty high energy opens. Those are for like bar type settings. Clubs, bars. I did this in Vegas with Alex. I met her at Xs in Vegas. A more chill daytime opener. That's fun. Well, actually go back and listen to episode two. I talk about how to do playful, observational, silly icebreakers. But you can. But daytime do the same thing. Do the same, the same concept, which is find ways to channel your authentic sense of humor into your opens. But in the daytime you would just do it in a more chill way. For example, you see the girl at Starbucks and she puts like five coffees in her or, sorry, five sugars in her coffee. You might say, hey, I haven't seen you at any of the sugar Anonymous meetings. You know, I haven't, I didn't see you at the last meeting or something like that. Or here's a good one to do at a bookstore. If you're at a bookstore. My client Ted did that, did this. I did this with Ted when I was doing in person coaching. Ted is a 40 something single dad. He likes. He literally, he's a dad who loves dad jokes. So I had Ted Walk up to women at Barnes and Noble holding a dad joke book. And he walks up and he's holding the book visibly so she can see what the book is. So she gets the joke. And he just walks up to a woman and he says, hey, excuse me, miss. She's a beautiful woman, a beautiful brunette. He walks up and says, hey, excuse me, miss, holding up the dad joke book. I have a question for you. Why didn't Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? Because it was chewy. Get it? Star Wars? And she kind of laughed and groaned, but in a good way. And the next thing you knew, Ted and this woman were having a great flirty conversation. And all he did was ask himself, how can I open in a way that's more fun and not boring? Okay, approaching fail number three is overthinking the opener. Just overthinking it, thinking it has to be perfect. You have to say the perfect thing. There is no such thing as the perfect opener, okay? If you try to think of the quote perfect in real life opener, you're going to get stuck in your head. And that's just a recipe for inaction and talking yourself out of it. And a lot of my clients are engineers. A lot of my clients are software guys. Very analytical, nerdy men, much like I am. And it's really easy if you're like that. It's really easy to overthink the opener. So don't overthink it. Underthink it. Here's the fix. If you're not sure what to say, if you're trying to find the perfect thing to say, say that. Tell her as your opener. Hey, I just saw you and I don't even know what to say. I just want to meet you. I didn't even know I was overthinking it, but I wanted to come say hi. Oh, my God, that is so vulnerable. It's like something from a rom com when you really lean into that. That's like a Hugh Grant movie. You know, women love, like a sweetly courageous, sweet, nice nerd. Not that you're a nerd. I don't know if you're a nerd or not, but I know I am. But like the whole like kind of fumbly Hugh Grant rom com moment, you walk up to a woman like that. Oh, gosh, it can work so well. I'm not saying do it as a move. I'm saying do it. If you are really overthinking, stop overthinking and just walk up and say, hey, I wanted to come say hi to You. I'm kind of nervous. I'm not even sure what to say. I was thinking of something and I don't even know if I have something, but here I am. How are you? And that can go really well. I've done that one many times. Okay, approaching fail number four. Playing it safe. Playing it safe. Playing it safe means that you don't fully commit to the open. You, you have a really timid voice. Playing it safe is like, hey, excuse me. Pardon me. I'm sorry to bother you, but you are walking on eggshells and you don't want to do that. You want to fully commit. Because if you play it safe, you're going to risk a chance that she's just going to sense that timidity, that softness, that fear. And it's understandable. The fear you feel. I know it well. That's because I was puking in the bathroom that night. I know what it's like to be afraid to approach. But if a woman senses lots of fear, it's not attractive. She might have empathy for you, but she's not going to be attracted to you. So here's the fix. This simple concept just rocked my world and has helped so many of my clients. Here's the fix. Here's your new philosophy about approaching. Ready? Here it is. What's safe is risky, and what's risky is safe. I'll say it again. What's safe is risky and what's risky is safe. What I mean by that is if you are so safe and timid and only half hearted in what you say to a woman, you have a high risky chance of it going poorly because she'll sense your fear. But if you commit and do what feels risky, that's actually a very safe smart move. And you actually have a great chance of the approach going well. My old coach, Owen, is the one who first ever shared this concept with me and he had a really good analogy. He would say, imagine you're a pilot in a plane. It's your first time flying the plane. This is from Owen, Owen Cook, by the way. Great guy. Changed my life in so many ways. So you imagine you're a pilot. Imagine you, it's your first flight and you're scared, you're nervous. You've never flown a plane before, so you might want to play it safe. You fly it close to the ground, 500ft off the ground. Well, guess what? That's where the buildings and the mountains are. Smash. Crash. Plane crash. So it's very risky to fly that plane low. Even Though, it feels safe. But if you pull back on the throttle, shoot up to 30,000ft. Oh, my God, it's so high up there. It's 30,000ft. That's where it's safe to fly. That's where it's blue skies. The same thing works with talking to women when you especially that first open. So safe would be trying to think of the perfect opener and not having not coming up with an answer, so you don't even try. Risky is walking up not knowing what to say other than, hi, I wanted to meet you. What's your name? Safe is talking to a woman but not flirting at all because you're afraid she might be creeped out or reject you. Risky is saying, hey, you know what? You're very sexy. You're very sexy. When you do that, every time you look up, you bite your lower lip. It's really cute. That's risky. But it's safe because you're putting that real clear, authentic, 1% man intent. Part of the. The whole idea of being a 1% man, it's. You're not afraid. Well, you might be afraid. You're willing. Even despite fear, you're willing to put your true, authentic intentions out there. So, yeah, risky is safe, and safe is risky. I remember the first night I ever went out, and my. The night. This one night, I was working on doing bold opens. I told myself, I'm going to go out and talk to girls, and tonight I'm going to open every woman I talk to, I'm going to say, you're sexy. I wanted to meet you. You're sexy. That felt so risky to me because that just seemed out of my comfort zone. Guess what? A lot of women loved it. It was that risk that made it the safe, smart choice. Go back to my story, if you would. The Kelly story from a little while ago. It was so risky. It felt so risky for me to go up and take her by the hand and pull her back away from those Wall street guys. It felt risky for me to say, hey, I want you. You're mine tonight. I hope. But guess what? That was the safe smart move. Because if I'd played it safe, I never would have connected with Kelly that night. And I would not even be a dating coach right now. So remember, what's safe is risky. What's risky is safe. Approaching fail number five, timid vocal tonality. Hi. Hi. Excuse me, miss? Hi. I'm sorry to bother you, but I just wanted to say hi. I'm over here. Hello. Hi. Yeah, you've got to come up with a night, you got to walk up and say, hey, what's up? I'm Michael. What's your name? Good vocal tonality is so important. The fastest way to get rejected is a timid voice. The way that you use your voice tells her everything about. Not tells her everything, but it gives her an instant imprint about how confident you feel in that moment. A soft, passive tone will likely result in a swift rejection. And that rejection has nothing to do with you as a person. It's not your worth or value as a man. It's just that a woman's going to say, oh, he's timid, he's scared. He's not somebody for me. Here's your instant fix. Here's the instant fix. I call this the 3% rule. Wherever you are meeting women, notice the noise level. Maybe you're. Whether you're in a loud club or a quiet coffee shop, notice the noise level and make sure that your voice is at, or ideally 3% louder than the baseline volume of that room. 3%. 3% louder, or at least no quieter than that baseline. A confident voice is going to make you seem like a man who is someone to be dealt with in a good way. But a soft, timid voice is going to get you rejected pretty quickly. And she's not rejecting you, she's just rejecting how your voice is making her feel. So follow the 3% rule. So you're in a coffee shop. Before you go talk to that cute girl, take a kind of a mental check around the room and say, okay, this is the vocal tonality of people here right now. The baseline sounds like this. You can even say, you can even talk out loud. You can take your phone out and leave yourself a message or talk into your phone as if you're talking to somebody so you don't look like a weirdo. And you can even say, okay, I talking to my phone right now, and this is the noise level here at Starbucks. So I'm going to be 3% louder. And then walk up to that woman with that vocal tonality. It's going to make it go so much better. Do the same thing at a club, same thing at a bar, same thing wherever you are. So just be aware that that is going to be a really simple, fast way to have approaches go better. One of the biggest reasons guys get, quote, rejected, our approach doesn't go well. It's got nothing to do with your looks, your height, your charisma, or lack thereof. In your mind, it's because your voice was just too Timid and soft. So anyway, walk up with nice, good solid vocal tonality and or Another little tip that helps a lot of my clients is when you're talking to her. And you can practice with other people too. You don't just have, don't, don't only do this when you're approaching. But when you're talking to that woman, don't talk to her. Imagine there's a woman standing right behind her. And talk loudly enough so that that person can hear you. That'll make sure that your voice carries right to her and gives her that confident, authentic 1% man. I'm going to pay attention. This is a man I need to date. Okay, let's take a break. You struggle with dating, right? Sure, you have a good job and cool friends, but you just aren't sure how to flirt. The apps don't work for you and sometimes women put you in the friend zone. It's frustrating. Hey, I struggled with dating too. As an introvert and a total nerd. I didn't just live in the friend zone. I owned real estate there. But I escaped using the dating philosophy of Radical authenticity, which I've used to help thousands of men in 17 countries find love. It's what I wrote about in my best selling book, Dating Sucks, but yout Don't. And Radical Authenticity is why Psychology Today called me the best dating coach in America. And now I want to personally help you attract your dream girlfriend. So go to datingtransformation.com and book a free call with me. On our call, I'll tell you how my one on one coaching will help you find your dream girlfriend. And you'll be doing it by flirting with confidence and and authenticity. No creepy pickup tricks needed. So go to datingtransformation.com, book a free call today and let my personalized coaching help you get a great girlfriend. Now let's play some actual audio of me talking to clicking with a really wonderful young woman. So this is a video. I'm playing the audio from a video. So a few years ago I went to Barnes and Noble on a summer Sunday afternoon here in New York City and I had a camera crew. I was mic'd up and I chatted up half dozen or so women, got a couple phone numbers and I want to play for you a really good interaction I had with a young woman who I'm going to call Amanda. Amanda's 22 at the time of my doing this approach and recording it. She's a pre med student. She's a very pretty Stylish blonde young woman. And she was standing in the fiction section when I approached her. So I'm wearing a microphone. The audio is okay. It's not great, but it's good enough. And I had a videographer with me, so if you. So that I could send video and audio clips to my clients. Of course, you're only going to be hearing the audio portion here on my podcast of me talking to Amanda. And also you're going to be hearing a recording of me in coach mode, essentially narrating what, what I'm doing and why it's working. And this is from a couple of years ago, so you're going to be hearing me from a couple years ago, narrating the action. So it's kind of like, like I'm a sports commentator commenting on my approach as it's happening. So I'm stopping and starting it, if that'll make sense. Now, just for context. So I'm at Barnes and Noble and I'm approaching girls. And before I talked to Amanda, I had done two or three warm up conversations with other woman, other women. So one woman had a boyfriend. It went fine, but she had a boyfriend. There was another woman I talked to who was really, you know, cool, Interesting conversation. I wasn't really attracted to her, but I was just warming up. So when you go out to meet women, especially in the daytime, like I'm doing here at Barnes and Noble on a Saturday, on a summer Saturday, I always like to do one or two kind of warmups before I even feel like it's, I'll be in the zone. So I'm actually just now getting into the zone as I walk up to Amanda. And one, couple quick things to notice as you listen to this. As I talk to Amanda, Notice how I'm 80% sincere myself, authentic, and about 20% flirty and teasing. It's roughly 80 20. That's a pretty good range to shoot for. You don't have to have every single line be hilarious or good content. Really just be authentic. Follow that 8020 rule of being sincere and authentic. And maybe 20% of what you say during an approach can be, quote, unquote, flirtatious. You know, a joke, a tease, a compliment. And okay, let's do it. Now. Let's go to me from a couple years ago narrating my actual audio of me approaching a lovely, stylish blonde Amanda. She's looking at books in the literature section of Barnes and Noble. I'll play this right now. This goes for about 40 minutes and then I'm going to come back here on the podcast in present day 2025 and I'm going to finish up with you because after you hear this audio of me getting Amanda very attracted to me, and you're going to hear me flirt, you're going to hear me get her phone number, I want to share with you what happened next with Amanda. And then I want to give you one last really important, powerful action you can take today so that you can meet your future girlfriend or get a date from approaching very soon. So anyway, here we go. Here is me and Amanda. Let's listen in.

[Listener]

Okay, so I'm now upstairs on the.

[Connell Barrett]

Fourth floor where the literature section is.

[Listener]

And now I'm feeling more confident. I'm looking to finally kind of like, you know, use what I got.

[Connell Barrett]

And I see a pretty blonde, really cute blonde.

[Amanda]

It's nice to see that girls still read actual books instead of just being on like Facebook all the time. You're the first attractive girl I've seen who's not like on her phone today.

[Connell Barrett]

Swipe.

[Narrator]

I know. It's just gorgeous, blonde, boring to sit around on Facebook and Instagram. Like my sister does it all the time.

[Amanda]

Okay, so be honest with me.

[Narrator]

So much better things to do.

[Amanda]

When was the last time you were on Facebook?

[Narrator]

This morning.

[Amanda]

I thought we had a connection. Now this.

[Listener]

Okay, did you catch that? So really cute, petite little blonde, she's reading a book, fiction book. And I said it's nice to see that pretty girls still read books or that girls still read books. Very manta woman makes. Lets her know exactly why I'm there. I am here to flirt with you. This is a handsome, literature loving boy who just has seen a cute girl on let's talk. And then she responded, well, also then she said, I was on Facebook. I was just on social media today or just on Facebook today or something like that. And then I said, I gave her that little negative spike, right? That man to woman negative spike. And I said, oh, I thought we had a connection. But you know, I guess it's not meant to be. That made her giggle. That's that little spike that women love. So I'm gonna let this play for a couple minutes and then I'll talk about the dynamic that's been going on at the end of this movie or of this clip. And then it goes into the next clip. This is Olivia. She's an NYU pre med ballerina, adorable, 21, maybe 22 years old. Just keep in mind that she's 21, 22. I'm 47. And this is a great little connection we make.

[Narrator]

I know.

[Amanda]

That's all right. I was just on Facebook today. I'm on a Facebook break starting tomorrow. I told myself I'm going to spend three days. No social media.

[Narrator]

Yeah.

[Amanda]

A Facebook cleanse. Yeah, I could do like a Facebook cleanse. Maybe get, like, seaweed wrap at the same time.

[Narrator]

Sort of like Instagram and everything, too.

[Connell Barrett]

Dude, I have all that shit.

[Amanda]

I'm a self. So I'm a self development coach, and I have to be like, in social media a lot, and it just wears you down. What's your. What do you do?

[Narrator]

I'm a student.

[Amanda]

Like, nyu.

[Narrator]

Yeah.

[Amanda]

Okay. I could tell.

[Narrator]

Yes.

[Amanda]

NYU look about you vibe. Yeah, the NYU vibe. Because you're smart. Wait, what are you gonna read, by the way, or what are you considering?

[Narrator]

Well, I've already read this, and it was so good, I kind of want to read it again.

[Amanda]

I've never read that.

[Narrator]

I highly recommend.

[Amanda]

Are you a big book nerd or, like, literature? Do you like literature?

[Narrator]

I mean, it's hard not to really. But I mean, I'd love. Rather just read, like, things that I choose than stuff I'm forced to read for school, honestly, because, like, stuff is so boring and like. Well, I'm not even in, like, in English or. Yeah, of course.

[Amanda]

Why do you always keep people from reading great literature?

[Listener]

That is so.

[Amanda]

I don't know your name. Sorry.

[Narrator]

Nice to meet you.

[Amanda]

Like O'Connell without the O.

[Narrator]

Nice to meet you, too.

[Connell Barrett]

Yeah.

[Amanda]

Okay, so besides keeping nice women from reading literature, what are you saying?

[Narrator]

I don't even know. But I honestly just do this for fun.

[Listener]

So right now she's actually kind of flustered in a good way. She's like, what's going on? I was just standing here reading A Tale of Two Cities or looking at the book Tale of Two Cities, and now she's talking to this, if I may say, cool, articulate, funny guy who's relatable, who's bold but relatable. And I'm giving her little spikes along the way. I tease her about keeping other people from enjoying their books. And I'm talking about myself a little bit, but I'm finding out about her. So I've opened. I've been man to woman, and we're already in basically entering the connection phase, where we're getting more comfortable with each other. And I'm looking for things about her that to like, besides her pretty face, which is very likable. But I want to go deeper than.

[Narrator]

That because I'm a Science major.

[Amanda]

So, like, really, I was totally off. Yeah, I was gonna say, like, literature or, like, dancer arts or something.

[Narrator]

I actually was a professional dancer before college.

[Amanda]

Really?

[Narrator]

Yeah.

[Amanda]

I'm so good at, like, reading people. So in college or my summer college job was working at a amusement park, being the person who had to guess, like, age, weight, or, like, birthday. So I'm really good at, like, cold reading people, so.

[Narrator]

Nice. Yeah.

[Amanda]

But you don't do it anymore.

[Narrator]

No, I don't.

[Amanda]

Why?

[Narrator]

I just got kind of burnt out on it. I had some injuries and some other interests, so I figured I'd run with that.

[Amanda]

I'm a terrible dancer. I'm awful dancer.

[Narrator]

Honestly, I cannot do it anymore. I tried, like, a few days ago, my sister was like, try to do a split. You haven't done one in ages. It was a disaster. I cannot do it at all anymore. But, like, I still enjoy watching it and, you know, supporting the arts for sure.

[Amanda]

Okay. I couldn't do. Forget about a split. I can't even. I was just telling my.

[Listener]

Okay, so there's a lot of good things happening right now in this interaction. She's super engaged. She's very attentive, friendly. I guess you could say I'm hitting on her. But I'm not really hitting on her. I'm just flirting. I'm just, again, being chill. Engaged. Finding out about her, giving her little teases along the way, little compliments along the way. And let me find the next clip. This clip lasts a little bit longer. Okay. Blondie, part two. All right, let's see where this picks up.

[Narrator]

It's okay. I can't really do it anymore either.

[Connell Barrett]

So you have the ability. You have the basic ability.

[Narrator]

Well, I mean, I still have, like, the good rhythm and everything, I would say.

[Connell Barrett]

But really, you have rhythm. You're whiter than I am. How do you have rhythm? All right, there you go.

[Listener]

Negative Spike. I accused her of not having rhythm because she's super white. I'm super white, too. Made her. Made her chuckle a little bit.

[Connell Barrett]

Whoops.

[Listener]

And she is super white.

[Amanda]

I feel like the whitest person in New York.

[Connell Barrett]

And you're like.

[Amanda]

Our kids would be, like, you know, basically invisible. They'd be so, like, translucently white. Where are you from?

[Listener]

Look at that. So I've been talking to her for four minutes, three minutes, and we're already talking about our kids. Now. It's obviously a joke. I'm joking about how white our kids would be. But very man to woman, I'm asserting our togetherness. Okay. We're both super white. Our kids would be invisible. So I'm doing two good things there. I'm cracking a joke. Girls like jokes. And I'm making the joke about the two of us together. Yeah. So that's all good. These are all good things to do.

[Narrator]

I'm from Alabama originally.

[Listener]

Now let's get to know her.

[Amanda]

Ohio.

[Narrator]

Nice.

[Connell Barrett]

Yeah.

[Narrator]

I actually spent a semester at University of Michigan, so.

[Connell Barrett]

Oh, no wonder.

[Amanda]

There's a deep hatred I have for you. There's like a tension and a. Like, I want to like you because you're really nice and pretty, but at the same time, there's the dark side of you that went to Michigan.

[Narrator]

Well, I have to tell you, I'm not the biggest Michigan fan, which is why I transferred, so.

[Amanda]

Okay.

[Listener]

Fascinating. So I just gave her a really good push pull. Right. I said, oh, my God, there was something about you I like. You're pretty, you're cool, but, oh, you have a dark side. You went to Michigan. So I'm giving her a compliment and a negative spike, which women love. That tingly feeling of that good and bad together, even though it's not really bad. But then she actually says, no, no, wait, the bad thing isn't even true. I don't. I. I'm not really from Michigan. Almost like. Like, oh, no, don't think bad things about me, because she's liking me. She's liking this conversation a lot. So these are all. This is all really going really well.

[Connell Barrett]

Oh, all right.

[Amanda]

So there's hope.

[Narrator]

Yeah, there's hope. Just a little hope.

[Connell Barrett]

There's hope.

[Narrator]

Yeah. I mean, I, you know, I didn't, like, hate it. I just. I love New York. I moved here when I was 14, so had to come back.

[Amanda]

Interesting.

[Narrator]

Yeah.

[Amanda]

Alabama, Terry. New York at 14. Whoa.

[Connell Barrett]

What's that story?

[Amanda]

I have to go in a second, but I want to know.

[Narrator]

You're good. I was dancing with American Ballet Theater here, so.

[Amanda]

Yeah. My old job.

[Connell Barrett]

Yeah. Another joke.

[Narrator]

Danced. I was in high school, dancing.

[Listener]

Lots of jokes from me. Jokes, flirting, and being real. That's basically my. My game.

[Amanda]

Wow. It's really brave of you.

[Narrator]

Yeah.

[Amanda]

To move to New York at 14.

[Listener]

I think compliment.

[Narrator]

It was.

[Listener]

Boom. So that's an example of qualification. Guys, did you get that? Wow, you're really brave. You moved to New York at age 14. I'm showing her how closely. I'm listening. And I'm telling her something awesome about her that goes beyond her very pretty face and young dancer body or former dancer body. So.

[Connell Barrett]

Yeah.

[Listener]

And I mean that, too. It is brave. I'm not bullshitting her. I mean, I know it's a good game, but I also mean it. This is all coming from a true place. I do think it's brave. As I'm about to tell her, I was, like, 10 years older than that when I was still too afraid to move here to New York City. So we're getting really real, and it's been five minutes.

[Narrator]

Great experience. I really loved it, But I'm so glad that I stopped. I have to be honest.

[Listener]

Okay, let's go to the next clip.

[Amanda]

Have you ever gone to a karaoke bar?

[Narrator]

I have not.

[Listener]

Okay.

[Connell Barrett]

A couple.

[Listener]

Maybe a minute was lost, so somehow music came up, and I asked her if she's ever been to a karaoke bar. What I'm doing is I'm planting a seed for asking her out. Karaoke. I love karaoke, and we're talking about karaoke.

[Amanda]

Have you ever gone to a karaoke bar?

[Narrator]

I have not. That's something I've yet to do.

[Amanda]

All right.

[Narrator]

But I'm open to it.

[Amanda]

You're adventurous.

[Narrator]

Yeah.

[Connell Barrett]

Seems like you're an adventurous girl.

[Amanda]

Anybody used to say, ask me more karaoke. I was. So I'm a. I'm a self development coach now.

[Connell Barrett]

I'm.

[Amanda]

I used to be a writer. I used to be a man. I still do write for magazines. Sports Illustrated and Men's magazines and. And Golf magazine and stuff. But it took me till I was like. I was. I was like. I wasn't ready after college to move here.

[Connell Barrett]

I was like.

[Amanda]

I needed a few years to, like, get the balls to move to New York City.

[Connell Barrett]

So the fact that you did it.

[Amanda]

At a young age is kind of cool, honestly.

[Listener]

So there I am telling her, look, dude, I wasn't brave enough to move here at age 16. So again, that's. That's an example of being vulnerable, being real. I'm not just cracking jokes and flirting with her. I'm also being honest, saying, hey, I wish I was. I wish I had been as brave as you at a young age, but I was afraid. That kind of realness is very powerful. Women like it, and it helps you connect, helps you connect in that real personal way.

[Narrator]

I think I was just running on so much adrenaline and, like, you know, the opportunity is not something that comes around very often. So I was like, can't turn this down. And I came, and it was really intense and extremely competitive, like nothing I've ever experienced before. Even more competitive than, like, what I'm doing now because, you know, college is Competitive, especially, like, the career path I want to go into. So, like, it's just everyone is constantly, like, you know, aiming for the top. And that was definitely the case in the dance world. But, like, people were just so cutthroat. There was no support whatsoever. I just, like, that's not who I am.

[Amanda]

My ex girlfriend was a dancer. I remember two things. I remember how messed up her feet were.

[Narrator]

Oh, I know.

[Amanda]

Are your feet like, they used to be black and blue, right?

[Narrator]

Scars on them. Like, you can see it's like, all here.

[Listener]

Oh, my God, look at you.

[Narrator]

I know.

[Amanda]

You do. Oh, my God, you have a bunion.

[Narrator]

I know, it's awful.

[Connell Barrett]

You're. You're like this.

[Amanda]

You have bunions.

[Connell Barrett]

Like, you're like this.

[Narrator]

I know.

[Amanda]

You're like this young, pretty, cool woman, but with, like, grandmother. Other feet.

[Narrator]

I know, that's why.

[Listener]

There you go.

[Connell Barrett]

That's a great.

[Listener]

I laugh more than she did.

[Connell Barrett]

But that's an example of a push, pull.

[Listener]

You're this young, beautiful, cool woman who's got grandmother feet. Pretty girls don't get that treatment very often. And it's not that the lion is the cleverest lion in the world. It's the combination of intent. It's actually, they're both intentful lines. It shows intent to tease and it shows intent to compliment. And when you combine them in small doses, but consistently, it's very powerful. And it shows her. It just shows that I have a full range of expression. I'm not going to kiss her ass. I'm going to tease her about her grandmother feet. But also, I get that she's a young, beautiful girl, obviously, but she does have a big bunion on her foot from dancing. Dancing really does mess up your feet.

[Narrator]

Because I'm like, I might as well have pretty toenails if the rest of my feet are ugly.

[Connell Barrett]

So, yeah, that's a great book title, by the way.

[Amanda]

I might as well have pretty toenails. You should just go one name, one name only. I do the one name thing.

[Narrator]

Mysterious.

[Amanda]

Mysterious, yeah, mysterious.

[Connell Barrett]

You never know.

[Amanda]

People like, oh, why? Like, what is your ethnicity, by the way? Are you, like, just like, white?

[Narrator]

Just like, European? European. Figured that out. My dad just got some, like, ancestry dot com. I'm like, okay, you do that. He's like, super into it, but, you.

[Amanda]

Know, I gotta do that soon. My family's having. So I'm the youngest of six.

[Narrator]

Okay.

[Amanda]

I'm the baby.

[Listener]

And at this point I realized, you know what? I need to tell. I need to share a bit more about me. Because she's been talking a lot about herself, which is fine. I want her to do that. And I've been listening really intently and letting her open up because I'm trying to find out what makes her fascinating. And I'm finding out a lot of cool things. And that builds the connection. That's important. But also I realize, you know what? She needs to know a little bit more about me. So I mentioned being the baby of six. I forget what I say next, but let's find out.

[Amanda]

We're having a reunion in September, so I want to do ancestry dot com.

[Narrator]

Oh, that would be cool.

[Amanda]

So that my five big sibs we can. I can say, all right, here's what we are. We're like Irish German.

[Connell Barrett]

But you know how there's got to.

[Amanda]

Be like some mystery. Yeah, mystery. A little edge.

[Narrator]

I like it.

[Amanda]

I think you're totally, 100% just white European.

[Narrator]

I think so too.

[Connell Barrett]

You're like, you might be a ghost.

[Amanda]

You might actually.

[Narrator]

Wait.

[Connell Barrett]

Okay. No.

[Amanda]

You are corporeal. Oh, well, we're actually both vampires.

[Connell Barrett]

Look at us. Look how white we are.

[Narrator]

I know.

[Amanda]

You sparkle in the sunlight like I do.

[Narrator]

Yeah, Like Edward and I burn. Like if I go to the beach and I spend like an hour outside, I'm a lobster. It's crazy.

[Amanda]

Oh, don't tell me about it.

[Narrator]

So I like lather myself in sunscreen every time. Like I'm about to go to the beach next month and like I just have to get ready for cuz I'm going for a week. And I'm like, okay, I better be prepared cuz otherwise like it's not going to be fun if I'm burnt the whole time.

[Amanda]

Yeah, yeah, you're going to burst into flames. I think probably if you're anything like me, because look, I have all this freckleage.

[Narrator]

Yeah. Actually I don't really have freckles.

[Amanda]

I know, I noticed you're freckle free. Pretty much just bunions. Just grandmother feet.

[Narrator]

Yep.

[Amanda]

When I was a kid, I was not only freckly, but I was chubby.

[Narrator]

Oh, I doubt that.

[Amanda]

I swear to God, I'll text you a picture of Chubby Connell. I was the fat kid in school, so. My last name is Barrett, by the way.

[Narrator]

Barrett.

[Amanda]

Connell Barrett. And in sixth grade, Eric Sundermyr gave me a nickname, Corn Oil Bear Fat instead of Connell Barrett.

[Narrator]

You're kidding.

[Listener]

No, totally true story. Being vulnerable. Being willing to admit my dorky, sad youth. Not sad, but actually it was kind of sad telling her how I Was chubby and fat. And did you see the way she responded to that story or that brief little vignette? It's like, oh, no, that's so sad. You know, it's hard. It's heartwarming. She's learning more about me. I'm the youngest of six. Chubby little kid. I was a chubby kid, which actually just makes me look more attractive now because, you know, I'm relatively good shape and I'm not a fat little kid anymore. So there's something powerful about that kind of arc of somebody's life. And I love, by the way, you. You could do that with yourself. You could also ask a girl a question about. You could say, so when did you go from the. I might even say it. I forget, but you might say, so when did you go from the. The what is it? Not stork to swan. Oh, sorry. Ugly duckling to the beautiful swan. That's a really good question to ask a pretty girl. It's like, what? So did. You must have gone. You must have been the ugly duckling you turned into a swan. Right? So that's a good little line to let her know that you think she's pretty, but that she also is. Probably Used to be a big dork, too.

[Amanda]

Remember his name.

[Narrator]

That's so mean.

[Connell Barrett]

How could you?

[Amanda]

How could you? Only a sixth grader could, like, come up with that. Doesn't even make sense.

[Connell Barrett]

Like, what. What the hell is bear fat?

[Narrator]

Honestly, middle school kids are just stupid. Like, they're so immature and, like, mean to each other. Like, my little cousins are in eighth grade, and they hate it because people are just, like, ruthless.

[Connell Barrett]

Were you.

[Amanda]

Were you, like, an ugly duckling before you became, like, the swan ballet dancer?

[Connell Barrett]

There you go.

[Narrator]

Well, I can text you a picture of me as a baby, too, so you can.

[Amanda]

I would love to do that.

[Connell Barrett]

Let's do that.

[Amanda]

Yeah, let's swap. Let's see who is the nerdier dorkier.

[Narrator]

Let's see if I can find. I could probably find, like, a little dance picture. It might take me.

[Connell Barrett]

Wait, you know what?

[Listener]

I might have.

[Narrator]

It's probably on Facebook.

[Listener]

I might have.

[Amanda]

Damn you and your Facebook.

[Listener]

Have you noticed how 95% of our. Probably 100% of our conversation has been about the two of us and maybe a little bit about books. Maybe 95% has been about the two of us. That's. That's awesome. You want to talk about each other. That's how you make it more personal. That's how you connect. And. And, yeah, it's about. It's about you, me, we, you, me, we.

[Amanda]

See if they have a fat Connell here.

[Narrator]

Oh, wait, no. I have one really, really funny picture. This is my very first profile photo on Facebook. Wait, there's that one, but then there's like, this one. I had some, like, dance photo shoot. I was like 10 years old in that.

[Connell Barrett]

Oh, my gosh.

[Amanda]

That's like something from a picture book.

[Narrator]

That's like, little me, she's in a ballerina.

[Amanda]

Did you have a nickname or, like, what?

[Connell Barrett]

How would kids tease? How were you teased?

[Amanda]

Or were you teased or were you the bully?

[Narrator]

I, like, march to the beat of my own drum.

[Connell Barrett]

That's cool.

[Amanda]

I respect that.

[Narrator]

Care what other people did. Like, I just did me and that was it.

[Amanda]

I respect that. I wasn't like that.

[Narrator]

Yeah, I mean, it's hard, especially when you're younger. But I mean, honestly, if I didn't have that mentality, I don't think I would have moved here so young.

[Connell Barrett]

Yeah.

[Narrator]

Yeah.

[Amanda]

When you say you marched to the beat of your own drummer, that means I assumed, like, you just knew who you were.

[Narrator]

Yeah. Like, people would do all the cheerleading and stuff, and that wasn't really. I mean, I did it like, once one season, and I hated it. It was so bad. Like, I'm not very outdoorsy. And we had a football game. I'll never forget this. It was like pouring rain. And our coach specifically said, like, do not kick, do not jump because you're gonna splash mud everywhere. Didn't listen because I was super into my dancing and everything and, like, just love throwing my leg in the air. Like, I thought it was so fun. I kicked and I splattered mud all over the coat. She was wearing a brand new white dress.

[Amanda]

Jeez. You couldn't have scripted it anymore. Like, embarrassing for the.

[Narrator]

I know. That was literally like.

[Amanda]

And how'd you feel when you did that?

[Narrator]

I felt so bad. I felt so terrible, cuz, like, I don't know, I was like a goody two shoes. Just like, you know, doing my dancing, like, following all the rules. Like that one. One moment I just did not listen. And I was like, no more cheerleading for me.

[Amanda]

Are you the oldest?

[Narrator]

No, I'm not. I have an older sister.

[Amanda]

One of two. You're the younger of two.

[Narrator]

I actually have a younger brother as well.

[Amanda]

But you're the middle child. Interesting. You don't seem like a middle child.

[Narrator]

I don't.

[Amanda]

You seem like either only child or. Or, you know, oldest.

[Narrator]

Yeah.

[Amanda]

Because you're super confident.

[Narrator]

Thank you. Yeah. Yeah, my. There's another qualification here in the city. She's at Columbia.

[Listener]

So you're very confident qualifying dueling college.

[Narrator]

I know. She transferred from NYU to Columbia, and I transferred from Michigan to nyu, so.

[Amanda]

That's so cool. You're super, like, centered and confident, which is actually what I teach my clients to try to be.

[Narrator]

Wait, so are you like a therapist? Like a psychologist?

[Listener]

Sort of.

[Amanda]

Like, do you know who Tony Robbins is?

[Narrator]

No, I'm not familiar with that.

[Amanda]

He is a famous. You should Google Tony Robbins totally. Or just walk over there and check out all these books. He's like a life coach. So he basically teaches people how to get. How to achieve great things, how to reach your potential while being authentic, while being your best self, which is what I do for men. Up until a year ago, I was a magazine writer at Sports Illustrated. And then I got laid off. And at first, at first I was really afraid, like, oh, my God, I'd never been laid off before. It was really scary. And then I realized, wait a minute, what's my. So I just lost my dream job. What is my next dream job?

[Connell Barrett]

What do I.

[Listener]

So I'm not trying to impress her.

[Connell Barrett]

Exactly.

[Listener]

I mean, I want her to be impressed, but I'm not hiding the fact that I lost my job, which is true. I lost my job a year ago. That's when I became a full time dating coach, self development coach. Even though I've been doing it for four and a half years as a sort of. As a side job. So I just said, hey, by the way, yeah, a year ago I got laid off. This is my life, this is my story. And that vulnerability is powerful. And I don't even do it as a move, but it is effective. Anyway, combining that, again, think back to those magical three ingredients, right? From Craig Ferguson, that magical cocktail, fun and funny flirtyman, to woman, and also real and sincere.

[Connell Barrett]

This is a.

[Listener]

All three elements are coming together really nicely in this interaction with young, sweet, smart.

[Amanda]

And so I decided to become a coach for men because I've written a lot about men's issues, like for men's magazines. And I used to write for Time Out New York and some other men's titles. And long story short, I just said, you know what? Life is short. And you have to, like, if you're gonna live in New York City, if you're gonna come here at age 14 or when I was in my 20s, then you need to, like, be here for a reason. You have to have a purpose and, like, an amazing outcome. For me, it Was alright, so I became a writer. Now I want to be something else. I want to be a Tony Robbins type of coach and help men become their best self, which is an opportunity for me to give instead of just make it all about me.

[Narrator]

That's.

[Amanda]

Oh, thanks.

[Narrator]

No, I totally understand that because like, that's kind of how I was with dance. Like, one of the reasons I wanted to go away from that is because it's so self centered and like you only focus on yourself and no one else when you're doing it. And I am much more of like a people person. I want to be helping others. And so actually now I'm Pre MEd at NYU. It took me a while to.

[Connell Barrett]

You're pre med Badass.

[Narrator]

Yes.

[Amanda]

And actually woman of substance.

[Narrator]

I actually just started a job at NYU Langone doing research on cancer genetics, so.

[Listener]

So like something I've never impressed with.

[Narrator]

Didn't even think I would be, as.

[Listener]

The conversation goes on. And I'm not hiding it.

[Narrator]

Super eye opening. And I mean, it's kind of funny because my mom still views me as like, you know, little, little ballerina. She literally told me that she thought I was too dumb to become a doctor. And now my, now my dad, my dad is like all for it. He's like, I want you to be a doctor just to like show your mom that you can do it.

[Amanda]

But you want to be a doctor, right?

[Narrator]

I totally.

[Amanda]

Okay. So you're not just doing it for other people because as Coach Connell will tell you, it's like you cannot, I know, live your life.

[Connell Barrett]

Okay.

[Narrator]

I mean, that's kind of how I was with dance. Like, I reached a point where I really wanted to quit, but it was like more of my mom's dream than it was mine. And so she like, would not let me quit. She made me stick with it. So I was like, okay, I'll do it until I finish high school and then no more. And so, I mean, it was like very liberating when I quit because I was like, now I can do whatever I want. Like the world is my oyster. I can, you know, experiment with anything and see what I like.

[Amanda]

And that's so badass.

[Narrator]

Yeah. So now.

[Amanda]

And now you can fix your bunion problem.

[Narrator]

Exactly.

[Amanda]

The real reason why you're pre med.

[Listener]

It's pretty funny actually. That's called a callback. I don't know if you know comedic terms or not, but calling back to an earlier joke or in this case an earlier negative spike can be very effective. So I said, now you, when you become A doctor you can be. You can fix your bunion problem. And she seems to respond well to a little bit of teasing and just a lot of sincerity and being real and normal, which is really all you need. You don't need a ton of this man to woman stuff. In fact, I'm probably.

[Connell Barrett]

I'm probably doing a little bit more.

[Listener]

Of it, a little more of it than I need to because I'm on camera and I want you guys to see examples of it. But you can do less man to woman and teasing, by the way.

[Connell Barrett]

You can do much less.

[Listener]

It's more about just being willing to go there once. Once or twice. I'm doing it a lot because I'm in a playful mood and we have a nice vibe, so it's just coming naturally.

[Connell Barrett]

But I also want to show you.

[Listener]

Guys a lot of examples of it.

[Narrator]

Probably exactly.

[Amanda]

Looks like it'd be a nice bonus, wouldn't it? All right, let me send you Fat Connell photo. Let's do numbers. I would like to stay in touch. I'll shoot you a text.

[Listener]

So, so far I've just said let's do numbers and let's stay in touch.

[Connell Barrett]

But what I really want to do.

[Listener]

My first goal should be an instant date, which I think I could totally get with her. But I can't do an instant date because I've got other approaches to make because I'm. I'm there with my film crew. So I'm not going to go for the instant date because my logistics are not. Do not allow for it. So now I just want to get her number, which I knew was going to happen anyway, and I'm going to ask her out for karaoke. That's my plan. That's what we're doing.

[Amanda]

You won't recognize me. The. The Fat Connell.

[Narrator]

Really?

[Amanda]

Does it come through?

[Narrator]

Did you text it?

[Amanda]

No, I called you, but. Oh, you know what? I think service in here is rotten. I'll just shoot you a text.

[Narrator]

Okay.

[Amanda]

Have you ever. So you're almost perfect, except you don't karaoke.

[Listener]

So getting a number is good. A lot of guys can get numbers, and you should, too, and you will, but you again. You always want to set up that date if you can. You want to try once to set up the date. So here's. Here's how it plays out with you.

[Narrator]

It's okay. Maybe we could do it sometime.

[Amanda]

Have you ever. Would you consider a karaoke with a.

[Listener]

She actually suggested it first, which is kind of cool. So I'm not surprised. But it was nice that she did. And then I'm about to say, would you want to karaoke with tall, handsome redhead or something like that?

[Amanda]

Tall, handsome, redheaded man? Yeah, because I know somebody maybe. Really? What does your week look like the next coming week?

[Narrator]

Honestly? Just working. But, you know, I'm trying. They, like, give me such weird hours. Like, they tell me the day before when I'm coming in. So, like, sometimes I can get off around three, but sometimes they're not letting me go till six. So it really just depends on the day.

[Connell Barrett]

So you have.

[Amanda]

Are you reasonably open this week?

[Narrator]

I should be.

[Amanda]

What about hopefully. What about Thursday? It was a really bad karaoke place.

[Listener]

In Chelsea, so I'm sort of breaking my own rule here because I. I should have really said. I should have really stuck to the question of, hey, what's your week look like? When are you free? And. And asked her again, which I didn't let her answer the first time. And so instead I'm thinking, well, I know my karaoke place. She said she was basically free all week. So to me, that was the green light to throw a night out at her. And I threw out Thursday because that's karaoke night at my. My nearby local pub.

[Amanda]

And if you promise that you will at least, like, if you don't sing a song, at least you'll sing back up or you'll get your phone out when I sing, because I do badass Coldplay. I do the biggest, cheesiest songs ever. Do you like Coldplay?

[Narrator]

I love Coldplay. Really?

[Amanda]

Oh, my God. You're the bigger nerd than I am. I'm always embarrassed, like, admitting how much I get a spike.

[Connell Barrett]

You're a bigger nerd than I am. Yellow.

[Narrator]

Yeah. I actually had a solo when I was younger to dare you to move.

[Amanda]

Oh, solo dance.

[Narrator]

Like, a solo dance.

[Amanda]

Oh, nice choice. Nice choice.

[Listener]

Yep.

[Narrator]

That was when I did, like, jazz and contemporary and hip hop and all that stuff.

[Amanda]

Okay, how about Thursday night?

[Listener]

Okay, so I say, how about Thursday night? And she basically says, let me check my schedule and basically get back to you and let me pause this. Me start up a. Pause it. Oh, there she is.

[Connell Barrett]

So she's. Let me.

[Listener]

Let me check my schedule and get back to you. And so basically, she couldn't totally commit to Thursday, so we left it tentative, and that's as good as I could do. You don't want to, like, insist, obviously, or push too hard, which lowers your stature in her eyes. I've got her number. We've got tentative plans for karaoke maybe on Thursday. And I'll be following up with her actually today to see if she's still down to do it. And I think she will because she's been very responsive by text. But the point is, I did everything I could control. I tried. I couldn't take her on an instant date, so I didn't try. I went for a number, which I got, which is great. And I went for a date, which I couldn't totally solidify, but I certainly made my intentions clear. So she knows I would like to see her, and she seems to be interested in seeing me. Very interested. And here I'm going to walk her out and I'll.

[Amanda]

The world's biggest literature nerd.

[Narrator]

Did you study English in college?

[Amanda]

I studied journalism, did not study English, but I went through this phase last few years of reading all the books that I blew off in high school. I was a bad student. I got really shitty grades and I did not fulfill my potential when I became a life coach, kind of. So I've never read this. I've only read Copperfield. And.

[Listener]

And by the way, now the main reason I'm still talking to her is I got her number. But it's not about the number, it's about the connection. Right. I'm just continuing. I'm doing the button down, I guess you could call it, which is, hey, let's just keep chatting. It's not about her number. And we're actually going to walk out together. And it would have been so easy to have said, hey, by the way, let's go grab a smoothie. And then, boom, we're on our first date right now. I essentially left Barnes and Noble with her. Or I could have, I walked her out.

[Amanda]

I mean, I've read the opening line or the opening famous line of this video. You're gonna reread this.

[Connell Barrett]

You said, see how it ends?

[Amanda]

That's really literature nerd.

[Narrator]

I mean, it was so good and I haven't read it.

[Amanda]

Let me see if I can find Tony for you.

[Listener]

Fast forward. I find a book this way. So here we are, leaving together or walking out together.

[Amanda]

Getting to like write a book.

[Listener]

Just more chitchat. More of the same. All good stuff. More of the same. See if I have a shot of us walking, almost walking her out.

[Connell Barrett]

Yeah, the whole.

[Listener]

The whole way to get an insta date instant date is to just like lead and say, hey, let's. Are you free right now? Or find out what. Find out what she's doing right now. And then if she's free and you're free, Which I wasn't. Then, boom. You just say, hey, let's go grab a coffee. Let's go get a smoothie. Let's go to the park. Let's walk around the park. It's a beautiful day. And then all before you know it, you're on a date. You're on a date.

[Connell Barrett]

Right?

[Narrator]

There's a good, like, friendly competition every now and then.

[Listener]

But, like, I don't think my cameraman.

[Narrator]

It's not as.

[Listener]

There she is.

[Narrator]

It's not as like.

[Amanda]

Yeah, it sounds friendly.

[Narrator]

Yeah.

[Amanda]

You seem like you come from a really solid family. Do you? Oh, all right, we'll have to discuss this on karaoke night. I'm like, see that?

[Listener]

We'll have to discuss her family on karaoke night.

[Narrator]

You're gonna get a kick out of that.

[Amanda]

All I do, all I. All I ask you is for support. And hell yeah. How could I do anything besides Coldplay with you now?

[Narrator]

Actually, I'm trying to think. When I was, like, in early. Like, the early point in high school, I'm pretty sure I went to a Coldplay concert forgetting it.

[Listener]

How do you not know if you.

[Amanda]

Went to Coldplay concert?

[Narrator]

I don't know, because, like, I just kind of did whatever in high school. Like, I did whatever. Like, if my friends were going to a concert, I would go with them. And, like, even if I wasn't super into it. Does that make sense?

[Connell Barrett]

Like, so apparently you did a lot.

[Amanda]

Of drugs in high school because you don't remember whether or not just, you know what if you're a drug addict, I need to know now. I need to. There's some things I need to know if we're in karaoke together. I don't judge it by the way that you're drug addiction.

[Connell Barrett]

It's fine.

[Amanda]

It's just who you are.

[Connell Barrett]

So teaser her pretty heavily now.

[Amanda]

No, I did see Coldplay. I saw Coldplay with Jay Z. It was two years ago on New Year's Eve in Brooklyn.

[Narrator]

Okay.

[Amanda]

Yeah.

[Narrator]

So have you been living here the whole time?

[Connell Barrett]

Yes.

[Narrator]

Yes.

[Amanda]

No, I gotta actually run back up. I was just kind of. You're walking.

[Narrator]

Yeah, I guess I was kind of walking back later. Like, another day. I need to think about which book I'm gonna get, because I'm debating between that one or Great Expectations.

[Connell Barrett]

That's a. I've read that.

[Narrator]

You have read that?

[Connell Barrett]

I did read it.

[Amanda]

It's fantastic.

[Connell Barrett]

Okay, so I give her a hug goodbye.

[Listener]

I think that might be the end of Blondie. Oh, wait. I guess we do say goodbye. 58 more seconds.

[Amanda]

That would motivate me to start reading it again, because I started it and I loved it. And it's so easily and it's, you know, short.

[Listener]

And again, I would have liked to have taken her on a date, instant date, but I had to do more approaches and I had limited time. So this is how easy it is to walk into a bookstore, chat with a cute girl, and walk out and go on a date right then and there. And who knows where that can lead? I and my clients have gone from the bookstore to a bar to my apartment, or from the bookstore to a coffee shop to a bar and then my apartment. This is totally doable. You just follow this process. You meet, you chat, you connect, you lead. I just stopped leading her because I had to go back to do approaches. But. But, yeah, but I got a pretty solid date lined up, and I think we say goodbye here with a hug. And again, you always want to say goodbye with a nice, warm man to woman hug.

[Amanda]

And I just haven't.

[Listener]

At worst, a high five.

[Amanda]

Like, damn social media and my job and shit. But I'm so glad we met.

[Listener]

You were so cool.

[Amanda]

I'll text you as soon as you'll see fat Connell and you'll see skinny Connell sing karaoke, I hope.

[Narrator]

All right.

[Amanda]

Get home safe.

[Listener]

No, but cool. So, yeah, a lot of great stuff there. Yeah, I pretty much covered it all. I think the big takeaways are. I would not have been able to walk up to her with such ease and relative confidence. But you know, what I did first is I did those first three to four approaches where I was just getting sociable, just warming up and getting comfortable talking to people, because I barely wanted to. The first girl I talked to was not that cute at all. Not nearly as cute as.

[Connell Barrett]

And I really.

[Listener]

I could barely. It's not that I could barely talk to her, but I was definitely in my head and feeling some low level anxiety. And then two or three interactions later, my brain turned off. Basically my fear, the fearful part of my brain turned off. My brain got proof that, oh, yeah, you can walk up to anybody and chat and flirt and it'll go pretty well, and it's okay. You're allowed to talk to people. And I guess the big thing for you to take away from this is just to know that pretty girls like it when cool men come up and chat and flirt in a very disarming man to woman way. Just like. Just like our girl did. And also, don't let. Don't let limiting beliefs hold you back I never did get her age, or I haven't gotten it yet. But she's in pre med, which means she's maybe 22 at the oldest, she's maybe 20, 21 years old. I'm 47 years old. So the brain wants to say she's too young for you, Connell. You, you're too old. It's creepy to hit on girls in the daytime. And besides, you're too old for her anyway. Had I listened to that voice, I would not have a date lined up. Tentative date lined up with this sweet, smart pre med NYU girl who had pretty nice vibe with and who I hope to see again.

[Connell Barrett]

And I'm back on the podcast. Yeah. So I hope you enjoyed that. I hope you got some good insight from that. So Amanda and I did date for a while and we had just the sweetest, cutest first date. So we had a date a few days later. We actually did not karaoke, but we met at a bar, we talked, we connected. It was just fantastic. And I remember we had a really cute, very sweet first kiss. We went to a lounge and there was just one moment on the first date. We were playing a get to know you game and it was just great. And I leaned in and kissed her and I walked her home. It was so innocent. It was just so sweet and innocent. And anyway, so yeah, there's no reason why you can't do the same thing. You could easily, with some practice, walk up to a gorgeous, cool woman and a couple days later be on a date with her and making some romance happen. Amanda and I didn't date for all that long. We did not become boyfriend girlfriend. We weren't really a fit as a couple, but she's just a wonderful person and so glad I got to meet her. And okay, so this is, this is about the end of. This is now the end of this four part series. Quick recap of everything that I've shared with you. Super quick overview. Part one was all about the mindset that you need to be able to approach girls know that it's okay. Women want you to come talk to them if you're sincere, if you're genuine, and if you can flirt just a little bit. Part two was all about the art of what to say when you approach, what to say, what not to say. That was part two of this four part series. In part three, I went into. Here's how to keep the conversation going. Here's how to not run out of things to say. Get a phone number, get a date, just like you heard me. Do with Amanda and part four today. You've already heard it, right? You, you got to hear me in action. And you also learned five approaching mistakes not to make earlier in this episode. And of course, I also went through the, I guess you'd call it sort of the mindset of what it takes to approach really attractive women. Basically, you just want to know that you're enough. You can walk up to women and have really good dating success and it's okay to approach if it really is. And oh, and also earlier today, we also talked about 10 different openers to use. I'm sorry, openers to use in 10 different situations. Now, I want to give you one final thing that you can do. I want to give you the, arguably the. The most powerful thing that you could do today, right now, so that you can start confidently approaching and attracting women. And that is to get a great coach, get a great mentor, find somebody who knows this world, who is really good at teaching you, a man, how to talk to women, how to flirt, how to be confident. Because a really good coach is going to help you stay accountable and going to help you take action and going to help you meet the one. Get girlfriend, sorry, get dates, make a connection happen, learn to flirt and get a wonderful relationship in your life. Here's what I learned back before I first started working with coaches. If you go to loan, if you don't have a coach helping you, then there are some big risks in your love life and in your life in general. Some of the risks are you could approach a woman and deal with a pissed off boyfriend. You don't want to approach a girl the wrong way and have a pissed off boyfriend threatening you with violence or confronting you. You risk without a coach, you risk wasting time, wasting months or years with no results. I never worked with a coach Till I was 38 years old and I was lonely and pretty much dateless for all my adult life. Loneliness, you risk loneliness, you risk just having another Valentine's Day without a girlfriend in your life or a woman in your life. And ultimately, I think the biggest risk of all is you risk just ending up alone, ending up with nobody, or settling down the road a year or two or three years from now. God forbid, the worst thing that could happen is you have nobody and you just give up on love and you're just lonely or you settle for a woman you're not that into. And then that is an odd whole other kind of. Of bad outcome. Because I've done both. I've been lonely and I settled the one Time I had a girlfriend back in the day, I settled and it was, yeah, we got divorced and it was a bad scene. So there's big risks of going it alone. However, if you get a really good coach, if you get somebody who's been down this road, then a good coach can help you get really good at approaching, can help you get phone numbers and dates, can help you learn what to say, how to flirt, and also just how to feel really confident in yourself and essentially feel good, know you're attractive, feel really worthy, get some dates and then get a girlfriend and a really good coach. Essentially, there's three things that it takes to get a great girlfriend. At least here are the three things it took me and the three things it takes Men who I know who've worked with a good coach. A really good coach gives you personalized help. A really good coach gives you a step by step plan. And a really good coach helps you just take right action and meet women and work through sticking points so you can find love, get a great girlfriend and have some fun on the path to meeting your girlfriend. Get some phone numbers, get some dates, have some flings, have some hookups. Nothing wrong with that. To me, this is your love life. This is one of the most important areas of your life. You know, this is about love. It's about the woman you're going to share your life with. To me, it's not just about finding a partner and finding love. To me, getting your dating life handled is about you becoming the man that you've always wanted to be. It's about growing more confident, knowing you're worth something, knowing that you are enough, and also knowing that it's a you absolutely are going to have a wonderful woman to share your life with, to cook dinners with, to have romantic Valentine's days with. And that's just priceless. It's just so important to have to have a wonderful woman in your life and to have the right woman in your life. So yeah, here we are at the end of part four and right now you have a very simple choice that I want to put on the table for you. This is a choice that I had back when I was really struggling with my dating life. The choice is option one is to stay stuck, stay either dateless or largely dateless. Stay lonely. If you're lonely, keep struggling by looking at other guys who are succeeding with women and feeling jealous of them and let another year, or God forbid, another year or two or five pass where few years from now you're still in the same place. I remember I was 38 years old when I said, I have to find somebody to help me. I saw that girl in Starbucks, could not approach her and I immediately said, I need someone to help me. So I had a choice. I basically said, I don't want to turn 40 and be alone. I don't want to be some lonely 40 year old guy who's got nobody in his life. My whole life seemed out of whack because I didn't have dating success. So you have that choice. You can stay on that path if you want to, or you can choose a different road, you can take a different action, take a different path and you can take an action today. Like today you can take. You can make a decision right now to say, you know what, I want to chat up really cute, gorgeous girls like Amanda, like Connell did in that video or that audio. I want to know what to say on dates. I want to flirt really well. I want to feel confident. I want to know that I'm going to get a great girlfriend and I want to have some fun on the path to finding her. And basically I want to find love and I want to do it and I want to do it in a good, solid way of integrity, not using sketchy pickup moves. So if that's what you want, then here's what you can do right now, today. Here's the most powerful thing that you can do right now if you want to change your dating life and start getting results and a girlfriend is in 90 days or less. If you want a girlfriend or have some great dating options in your life, some gorgeous, cool, smart women by the spring, then here's what you can do. My team and I have set aside some time to speak with you one on one personally so that you and I actually, if you'd like, you and I can get on the phone in a matter of a couple days from now and you and I can get on the phone and chat for about 45 minutes so that I can give you a step by step plan to get the dating results. You want to confidently meet women and get dates and find love. It's a free consultation call that I do with men who want to talk to me. Here are the three things you're going to get if you and I get on the phone and chat. Number one is I'll give you clarity on what's not working in your dating life right now, personalized diagnosis. And I'll identify, oh, here's what's holding you back. Here's why you're struggling with women, that's one thing. Second thing you'll get is a crystal clear vision and goal of what you want. A vision for the kind of cool, cute, gorgeous woman you want to be with. And also a vision for how confident you'll feel as a man and how good you can feel talking to women and flirting. And the third thing will give you, or I'll give you on our, on our call, if we have one, is a plan, a simple plan to say, hey, here's what it's going to take. Here's the steps to take to get that girlfriend to approach women and get rid of the approach anxiety, be done with the loneliness and make some great dating results happen for you. Basically the plan to find your dream girl and there's no charge. This is a free consultation call that I do with any guy who is the right kind of guy to potentially work with me. Here's the thing you should know though, this free call I do is not for every guy. For me to do a call with a guy and consider coaching him, there's three things that have to be in place. There's three things. Here's the kind of guy I'm looking for. Tell me if this is you. If it's not you, then you don't need to book a call because we're not a good fit. Here are the three things I look for in a man who wants dating help. Number one is you have to be ready and willing to take action. You've got to be willing to get out of just consuming content, watching YouTube, listening to podcasts. You've got to be ready and willing to take actual real world action. That's one thing. The second thing that has to be in place, the thing I need in a potential client and a guy who books this call, is you have to have your life reasonably together. All I mean by that is you have a job, you have your own place, you're relatively established professionally, you got a full time job and you have your own place and you have a relatively solid life. You got a couple hobbies, you got friends. Basically you have your life together because a wonderful woman wants a guy who has his life together. And the third thing that has to be there for a guy to work with me and for me to work with him, I should say, is you have to like and respect women and you have to want to meet women in an authentic way with integrity as a gentleman, as a true authentic gentleman, not as some pickup guy who just wants to get laid, who just wants to get sex. Okay? So those are the three things I need. You're willing to take. You're ready and willing to take action. You have your life reasonably together. Yeah. You're professionally established and you want to date an incredible woman and do it with authenticity, not as a sketchy pickup type of person. So if that sounds like you, then book a free call with me right now, today. Here's how you do it. You Simply go to datingtransformation.com that's my homepage. Go to datingtransformation.com, click the book a call button, and you'll see my calendar, my team's calendar for all these different times and days that'll pop up for you to book a chat. And then you and I will hop on the phone for 45 minutes or so and I will give you those three things that I mentioned. The clarity, the plan, and diagnosing what's holding you back. Even if we don't end up working together, which is totally cool, you're going to end up knowing, oh, here's my problem. Here's how I can fix it. So, yeah, you can book a free call with me. It's a fun, it's a really chill, fun conversation about 45 minutes. And yeah, so anyway, you do that by going to datingtransformation.com and then hit the book a call button. And also I'll put it down in the show notes too. You can get it down in the show notes for this podcast. And just so you know, there's something that you probably don't know about me just because you might not know much about me other than an episode or two of this pod is I'm not like other dating coaches in the sense that, in the sense that other dating dudes or, and women. But let's talk about guys for a second. Most coaches in this area, they do like big group coaching. It's like it's you and 29 other guys on a zoom call with the guru. And that really, it just, that's just not what works. I do, I only do one on one personalized coaching. I only do it one on one. So it'd be one on one coaching if we ended up working together. And so the reason I'm saying that is because, well, first of all, I do that because personalization, one on one coaching, that's just what works. Every guy has a specific combination lock that needs to be unlocked to help him awaken that those dating results. So because of that, I only do one on one personalized coaching. I don't have a herd mentality of 25 guys. So because of that I just have very few available times and very few coaching slots. So my slots are very limited. That's not marketing B.S. that's true. I'm a one on one coach and I just have very few time slots. So they do end up filling up fast. So my advice is you book this call right now, today, ideally on Valentine's weekend or the week after Valentine's Day because all these slots are going to go pretty quickly because I only coach handful of guys at any given time. So anyway, please know that if you don't book a call with me today if you're interested in coaching but if you don't do it today, I might not be available tomorrow. Very good chance that I won't be. So go to datingtransformation.com you can book a free call with me and I will end this four part series by sharing a really quick anecdote with you. I've been a Coach now for 13 years, been coaching for 13 years and I want to share with you a quick story about my. He's not my first client, but he's, he was the first client who got me like addicted to coaching. His name is Ken and Ken came to me about 13 years ago. He was in the first six months of my coaching and Ken basically came to me because he was really shy, a little chunky. He's a college professor, he's an associate professor at a university on the east coast. And Ken had never had a girlfriend, never even kissed a girl. Sweet guy, funny, nerdy, teaches philosophy and history. And so Ken's amazing. I remember I was just thinking, wow, Ken, Ken knows all about philosophy and ancient literature. He knows literature too. Like most guys can quote Homer Simpson, Ken can quote Homer's Odyssey. That's how smart and amazing Ken is. So anyway, Ken was one of my first clients and he came to me because he just thought, you know what? Women don't like me. I can't approach them. They don't want a nerdy chubby guy like me approaching them. So we go out, I do in person coaching and we go out on our first weekend together of me in field with him doing in person side by side wingman coaching where it's literally Ken and myself just talking to women and I teach him all the concepts that I've been sharing over this four part series. And he's walking up to women, he's approaching, he's getting numbers, he's getting dates. This really cute Girl with cat eye glasses. I remember she took his phone from him and said, you have to take my number. You're taking me out. And she put her number in his phone because of the way he was approaching with that fun, confident, nerdy, authentic self. But then the big moment, the aha, the moment that made me know that I'm going to be a dating coach forever. I love this, is we're on a rooftop bar, a bar called the Brass Monkey in New York City. And we're on the rooftop and Ken walks up. I tell Ken, go, approach that tall blonde over there. She had a Gwyneth Paltrow look about her. And Ken walks over to her. And I'm standing there, I'm on my phone making notes. I look over every couple minutes. Yeah, he's doing great. She's smiling. Oh, she's giggling. She's liking him, man. Ken's in the zone. By the way, she's like three inches taller than him. Ken looks like. Ken looked like young Jonah Hill. Little chunky, and he's like 5 7, 5 8. And this girl's like 5 10. She's towering over him. Gwyneth Paltrow look alike. But anyway, so I look over and all of a sudden I look up and I see that they're making out. They're kissing. They're having a rooftop drunken Saturday night. I don't know. He wasn't drunk, but maybe she was a rooftop Saturday night make out. And he was on his. He was on his tiptoes because she's taller than he is. So it's a really funny image. But my point is, I'm looking at this and I know Ken's story. Ken has never kissed a girl until that moment. Ken is a virgin at that moment. Not for long, but at that moment he was. And I'm looking at Ken making out with Gwyneth Paltrow lookalike, and I'm realizing, oh, my God, I am watching this young man have the first kiss of his life. The first kiss of your life. Everybody remembers that. Everybody does. And if you haven't had it happen yet, that's going to be an amazing moment for you. But I just, I'm watching there thinking, I can't believe I'm watching a guy and I know it's his first kiss. And I just realized, wow, I've never seen that before. That I know of. I've never knowingly seen somebody have their first kiss. It was such a private moment. In a way. I almost wanted to look away because I was like, oh, this is too private. I shouldn't be watching this. But at the same time, I couldn't look away because I was just so proud of him and so happy for him to see. To see him in that drunken, not drunken, but that, you know, Saturday night beer fueled makeout, that in that moment he was realizing, hey, attractive, cool women like me, I'm enough. I am Kenuff. This is long before the Barbie movie, but I, Ken, realize in that moment, I am Kenuff. And to watch Ken get his first kiss with a beautiful woman who looked like Gwyneth Paltrow, man, he is enough. He really is Kenuff. And that just made me so happy. And we're walking home that night or we're walking from the bar doing a little post coaching approach session debrief. And he was like levitating. He was three feet off the ground, he was so happy. And about three months later, he was in a relationship. Not with that woman, that was just a fun bar makeout fling, but he was in a relationship three months later. And he. And that just basically made me realize, wow, this is what I'm about. I want to help men like Ken find love, find connection, and know that they're worth something. And so I want you to know. Thank you. I want you to know that you are enough. Okay? You've been listening to these four episodes and you should know that you are more than enough. You are attractive enough, you're worthy enough, you're cool enough, you have value to women, and women are going to absolutely love you. And there's one girl out there who's going to become the love of your life and she's going to change your life. But in order to do that, you have to go out there and take action and meet her and find her, and she's waiting for you. She might be at a bookstore, she might be at a bar, she might be on a dating app, she might be at a party. But you're going to have to go out there and take action and make it happen just like Ken did, just like I did with Amanda. And now it's your turn if you want to. So if you're looking to get a dating coach who loves you, is going to root for you and get you to have find love and do it with authenticity. Just shoot me a or just don't shoot me a message, go to datingtransformation.com, book a free call with me today. We'll chat, we'll talk. If we're a good fit, we'll figure it out. If we're not, we'll have a fun 45 minute conversation. That's free and there's really nothing to lose. So go to datingtransformation.com, book a free call with me and thank you so much for spending these four episodes with me. It means a lot to me. And remember, your dream girlfriend, she is out there and she's going to love you, but she has to meet the real, authentic you. So go out there, take action, book a free call with me, and carpe datum. Seize the date.