← How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett
How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett
“Nice Guys Are Sexy—if They Do This One Thing.” A Maxim Model’s Dating Secret
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Do you worry you’re “too nice”? Tired of seeing women date jerks? It’s time to own being a nice guy! The truth is, women actually prefer kind men over “alpha males,” if you make 3 key moves. In this episode of “How to Get a Girlfriend,” dating coach...
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And then she said the words I will never forget. She said, the thing about nice guys is nice guys are sexier than six pack abs. As long as they have a backbone. Welcome back to the how to Get a Girlfriend podcast. I'm your host, dating coach and best selling author and podcaster, Connell Barrett. I am here to help you flirt with confidence and to get a great girlfriend and to do it with being authentic. No sketchy pickup artist moves needed here. Now, if you're authentically sketchy, great. Otherwise not required. Bottom line is women like you for you and I am a nice guy. I'm very nice. I'll bet you're nice as well. However, I'll bet that maybe you've heard that it's bad to be a nice guy. You ever felt that way? You ever feel like, oh man, women aren't into me, I'm too nice, I'm just too nice. Nice guys finish last. Well, today's episode is about how nice guys don't finish last in dating. At least they don't have to. Women actually love dating nice guys as long as you are channeling certain things that women also want in addition to nice, kind men, which they do. They really do. So today's episode, I want to give you three strategies, three big strategies that will help you attract the kinds of women you want without being some weird fake alpha male. You get to be your regular, normal, nice, kind self. You get to be a nice guy, gentleman. And don't worry, you don't have to bench press a bear or buy a new Lamborghini to impress a woman. You just got to apply these three things. I'm going to be talking about today. And let's start off, let's just get right to it. I want to talk about one of the biggest myths in all of dating. I hear this from a lot of men who reach out to me for coaching. They say, Connell, women want an alpha male. I'm not a dominant alpha male. I'm just a nice guy. And that turns women off. And that's wrong. Niceness, kindness, these are not vices. These are virtues. Now, women are turned off by, by supplication, by neediness, by a whole lot of self doubt. If you walk through your life or your dating life anyway, feeling like you have nothing to offer women, that's going to get in the way. But women love nice guys. They love nice guys. And here's what women don't want. They don't want alpha males, so called. And they want confident men yet, yes. But alpha males, there's this whole alpha male myth that really has taken over parts of dating. The red pill manosphere runs on this idea. Women want an alpha male, be an alpha male. Well, the truth is the very idea of alpha males do not exist, literally do not exist in nature. I researched and wrote about this in my book. So you have been, if you've been on Reddit, if you've been watching like TikTok and YouTube, so called experts in dating, at least male experts, you're getting a lot of bullshit. So here's where the alpha male lie originated. So the first, basically the first strategy I want to tell you about today is this first, this first nice guy move I want you to make is I want you, I want you to ignore this alpha male myth. Myth. Ignore it. Here's how it started. Back in the 1970s, a biologist by the name of L. David Mesh M E C H He studied wolves in captivity and he observed their behavior and created some findings. He wrote a book and his findings came up with this very concept of the alpha wolf. He watched wolves and saw their behavior and determined there was, there was an alpha of the group and every, all the women in the wolf world wanted to hook up with the alpha male. Then he went back and tried to recreate his findings a couple of years later and realized oh my God, I screwed up. What he thought was alpha wolf behavior was actually parents, both male and female wolves raising and nurturing their pups. So it was actually nurturing behavior that he mistook for alpha. So called alpha behavior. Now he went to try to, to correct the record. But this myth of alphas in and in the animal world took hold that, that the females of a group in society, different animals want to mate with the alpha male. And that's wrong. But by then the Internet, the red pill manosphere, conventional wisdom and dating all these pickup guys came around in the mid double zeros leading to the red pill manosphere world that we have today. And this myth cemented itself and, and all these guys say, well women want alpha males, females want alpha males in the animal kingdom. It must be the, it must be the same in the human kingdom. And so we've got this flawed application of a flawed myth. Bottom line is women don't want alpha males. And I'm not just saying this because I want it to be true. I tested this. I actually went out and tested this. I have been studying dating for 20 years. I don't mean in a lab, I don't mean reading, I mean going out into the field, approaching thousands of women hiring well over a dozen coaches. I literally been to 12, 15 different countries, approaching women, meeting women. And I went out and I tested the alpha theory once. So this pickup artist guy I hired, he once told me, connell, you're too nice. Go out and be a dick to women. Go out and be a jerk. And this was when I was struggling to figure out how to connect with women. So I tried it. I thought, all right, this guy said, he's the expert. I'll just go be a jerk. Didn't feel good, the idea of it, but I'll do what works, within reason. So I went out for a couple weeks, approached lots and lots of women, went on dates. I said shocking things. I acted arrogant. I remember women were dancing at a bar. I'd walk over and say, stop dancing. Dancing's illegal over here. And they looked at me like, what's wrong with you? Are you an alien? I was on a date once saying the same weird alpha male bs. And this woman said, why are you like this? Why are you being so weird? Why can't you just be normal? And the low point, high point, low point, depending, depending on how you look at it. I was once in a lounge in London, and I had this Persona, this facade of the bad boy, cool alpha male saying all this alpha bad boy stuff. And I was so obnoxious, I was so annoying that this woman who I approached poured a pitcher of ice water down my shirt, and I deserved it. I felt awful. I wasn't being me. And that was repelling women. And that's when I realized, you know what? This alpha male mask doesn't work. Real strength is not about bravado. It's about being open, about being grounded, about being confident in yourself and the worth you bring to women, and also being willing to share who you really are, communicate with women is the real you. And it's important to really just unplug from this bullshit alpha male thing. Nice guys finish first with women if they want to. Nice guys finish first with women if they want to. And this isn't just wishful thinking on the part of your favorite ginger dating coach. There was a Glamour magazine poll a few years ago. Single women were asked about the different types of men they're attracted to. So this is a fairly scientific poll. Magazines like Glamour don't do polls and surveys without making them relatively scientifically sound. They typically hire companies who make sure it's like, you know, YouGov or. Or Pew Research or something like that. So anyway, Glamour did this big poll, and women were Given all these different types of men, loyal and lovable jocks, Alpha was one of them. All different types. And the number one top rated type of man women want to date and be with, according to Glamour. According to all these women was quote, loyal and lovable, which is pretty much synonymous with nice guys, right? Loyal and lovable. That was the number one answer. 33%. That was the top answer. Only 6% said alpha males. 6%. And that was second to last in this poll. Second to last. I just think that's telling. There's data to back up my case. And now I will concede there is a grain of truth in this idea that a lot of women are drawn to bad boys, so called or jerks. I get it. I do get it. And the thing is a lot of women do like men who quote, unquote, tell it like it is. But what's working with these women is not the jerky toxic behavior. It's the perception of strength. A guy who tells it like it is just says it. The honesty, the lack of a filter. A lot of people read that as strong. Consider our current president. I'm not going to get into a political talk here, but I think we can all agree that our current president lacks a filter. Our current president speaks what he thinks is the honest truth. I think in a way he's very authentic in a way, even though he's full of shit in so many ways, but he does speak the truth. And of course people, a lot of people think this is a very, very strong man, strong alpha male. I would disagree with much of that. But politically, but in terms of the perception, that's how humans say. Humans say, oh, that person certain in how they talk. Boom. We relate strength to that. So women are drawn to an unfiltered guy. Many women are. Now my whole dating philosophy of radical authenticity, it's all about showcasing your true self and giving women the best of both worlds, which is that you're speaking the truth. You're being truthful, you're being unfiltered. But you're also a good guy with a heart of gold. And if you are doing what I call being radically authentic, you're essentially giving women the best of both worlds. You're giving them the heart and the muscle. So yes, you can date your eights, nines, tens, just like the so called jerks or bad boys do, while staying true to yourself, being a nice, good hearted guy. You get to have your cake and eat it too. And you can take it from me if you want to. If this helps. I'm a card carrying, nice guy. I'm so nice. I really am. I volunteer. I'm polite. I was raised by two nice parents in a nice midwestern house in Ohio by Denny and Greta Barrett, two of the nicest people who ever walked the earth. I have nice brothers and sisters. I'm a nice boy from Ohio. I volunteer with blind people. Sometimes I literally help little old ladies cross the street. Now, sometimes they don't want my help, but I do it anyway. I force them. I force them. No, I'm just kidding. But no, but. So I'm the nicest guy in the world yet I have dated insane amounts of beautiful women. I have the world's best girlfriend who I'm in love with and she's my perfect 10. And before I met Jess, I had approached thousands of women, been on thousands of dates or hundreds of dates anyway. And I cracked the code of all this how do you connect with women thing. How did I do it? Well. Well, I did it as a nice guy. And being truthful, being unfiltered, being kind, being authentic is what works. There's a factoid I give almost all my clients. There was a poll done of 64,000 women by a health app called Clue. 64,000 women were polled and they were polled and asked, what traits do you want most in a male partner? And the number one thing on the list is kindness. That's the number one thing women want. Kindness. Nowhere on the list is alpha, bad boy, jerk. Nowhere on the top five anyway is anything about looks or muscles or being really tall. I'm not saying those things have no value to women. I'm saying they're not in the top five. The top five consists of number one is kindness, Next is intelligence, education, supportiveness, and the fifth is confidence. Think about that. Number one is kindness. Not tall, not six pack, not rich. Something to keep in mind. Nice, kind, very similar, very closely related, right? I was on a second date once with this woman. We're sitting in the park in Madison Square park in New York City having a couple of smoothies on our second date. And she said we were just bantering about dating and how hard it is to find somebody. And she said, I hope you're not a wolf in sheep's clothing. And I was trying to be witty and I flipped. What she said. And I said, actually, I'm a sheep in wolf's clothing. I wasn't even trying to be profound. I just thought I'd flip it, see if I could come up with something funny. What I really meant was I'm a smart ass on the outside, but. But inside, I'm a big softie. She smiled, though, when I said this. Sheep in wolf's clothing. She smiled ear to ear, and she said, what? That's the dream. That's what we all want. A man who's strong on the outside, but sweet and kind on the inside. She just, like, started to, like, swoon almost. And I was like, whoa, I stumbled on something really powerful here. And I unpacked it, and I realized I had, like, strummed this power cord inside of her, which is like, yeah, that's what women want. Confident on the outside, soft, warm, sweet on the inside. So. And that's the balance. That's the balance we want to strike. And the best formula I've ever found to strike that balance is this radical authenticity dating formula of mine. So, yeah, just know that women are not looking for some fake alpha male. Okay, now, what's the second strategy I want to share with you today? So the first one, I just want you to get rid of this alpha myth bullshit. Women don't want jerks. They don't want alpha males. They like kind. They like nice guys. How can we take this nice guy worth and channel it in a way that women really like? Step number two, strategy number two. Be a man with a game plan. Yeah, women don't lose interest in you because you're nice. They might lose interest in you because you're uncertain of yourself or you're indecisive. So one thing you can do, just always have a good plan. Never, ever say to a woman, so, what do you want to do when you're setting up those first few dates? Be a man with a game plan. And no Netflix. And whatever happens does not count as a game plan. So, yeah, people are just drawn to those who are certain, know what they're doing, know where they're going. Imagine you board a plane, and you hear the pilot come on and say, yes. So this is your captain speaking. And. Yeah. Do you. Do you guys. Where do you guys want to fly today? Do you guys want to fly? Yeah. Which button should I push? Push. Yeah. What does this thingy do here? What does a steering thingy here do? I mean, that probably is how they sound on Spirit Airlines, but. But still. So a woman. Women love a man with a plan, right? A guy with a plan, a plan for his life, a plan for the week, a plan for the date with her, a plan for where he's going to be in five years. Women want a Man with direction and certainty. And that holds true on in the dating space as well. From that first moment you first speak with her through those first few dates, be a man with a plan. Pick a great place for that first drink. Have a second spot in mind for a nightcap. Say, hey, let's do tapas sangria, 7:30. I know the perfect spot. Does that work for you? Chances are she'll say yes. Thank you, man with a plan. Please have my babies now. And it's not about being controlling. It's just about making it easy for her to just relax into her femininity. Let the man take over. And women tend to really like that and appreciate that. And that reminds me of something, that this echoes something that a woman once told me. A Maxim model named Julie. I once met a Maxim model named Julie. We were in Miami. And this is physically just pure beauty. One of the most like, jaw droppingly gorgeous women I've ever seen. Beautiful brunette, you can imagine. She had this big spread in Maxim. You can imagine how beautiful she is, but also just a smart, beautiful person and sweet and warm. And we were talking about dating and she said, I am so sick of arrogant, selfish guys. I meet. So many takers, so many narcissists. I would just love to meet a nice guy. They never approach me. She told me, she said, oh, I'm home alone so many nights, I'd rather be out on a date. But the kind of nice guy I want to meet never talks to me because I think he's just probably intimidated. Of course he is. And then she said the words I will never forget. She said, the thing about nice guys is nice guys are sexier than six pack abs as long as they have a backbone. She told this story about being on a date with a guy and he literally just didn't know literally where he was going. Like he got lost and was like, well, should we go this way, should we go that way? And she could just feel her attraction for him fizzle. So yeah, nice guys are sexier than six pack abs as long as they have a backbone. Backbone was Julie's word. Call that confidence, certainty, knowing who he is and where he's going. Nice plus self certainty equals dating incredible women. So kindness without confidence is the friend zone, right? Confidence without kindness is arrogance. Combine the two and boy, you got something really special. Women find it magnetic. So show her that backbone, that certainty. Combine that with your niceness, your kindness. Women love it. So you can do that by being a man with a plan. I'm not dating now. I have a girlfriend, but I'm constantly coaching my clients and I'm just telling them, lead, lead, lead, lead the conversation, lead the texting. Ask her out on that date. Plan a second date. You lead, she follows. Women love a man who leads. They really do. Okay, and here's a third and final strategy for today's episode. I love this one. Third move, third strategy for nice guys. Direct the date. Direct the date. Most guys think their job is done once they have a date. Once they have a plan in place, it's like, cool, we picked a place, we're going to meet here for drinks, for dinner, whatever. But no, the real magic happens when you're also directing the date. It's like you're directing the vibe. It's like you're a director. You're directing the conversation. Not controlling, but directing. It's direction. It's a guide, it's a vibe you're creating. Here's a quick story that I hope will illustrate my point. Back when I was really struggling with dating, I had a huge breakthrough. Huge. I had a first date with a super cute, wonderful woman named Kate. Kate reminded me a lot of my crush at the time. Katie Holmes also had the same name, basically. And I was so excited to meet Kate. But I've been friend zoned so many times at that point. I was still trying to figure all this out back then. And I told myself, okay, tonight it's going to be different. I'm going to really take responsibility for this, making this a fun date. And I just said, I'm going to, I'm going to speak my real thoughts and try to lead us on a really fun date. And I hadn't had any coaching at that point. I mean, I'd read some stuff online, but I hadn't, didn't have a coach yet. So I'm still trying to figure this out, trying to figure out what works through good old fashioned trial and error. So Kate and I meet at this, this dark, fun little bar in Candlelit Bar down in Tribeca here in Manhattan. And we're chatting, she's sitting next to me. We're about 10 minutes in, and she starts telling a long story about shoe shopping or makeup shopping, something, something like that. And I nodded politely for a minute or so. But then I heard this little voice say, connell, what's the most honest, true thing you're thinking right now? And the answer was, this is boring. She was telling, like a boring date. Now, now, there's nothing wrong with that. I'm not saying a woman has to bring the world's best content to a date with me. But I remember thinking, yeah, tell the truth. Speak your authentic thoughts. So I drew on all the courage I had, and I said, hey, can I jump in, Kate? And I said, I actually have totally lost interest in your story, but listen to what happened to me today. And I told her a fun, much better story about this street magician who came up and started doing card tricks. For me, it was just something light and playful. And she cocked her head and she gave me this, like, surprised but slightly impressed look, like a smile that said. The smile said, did you just cut me off? Something she was not used to. And she might have. Actually, now that I think of it, I think she actually said, did you just cut me off? And I held my ground. And I said, oh, well, I just thought my story kicked your story's butt is all. Little, sly, little smile. And this was risky. This was very risky. There's a very possibility, there's a reasonable chance she might have said, you know what? I'm out of here, dude. But she didn't. I was afraid she might walk out, but I was determined to make an impact. I wasn't going to lose a girl through playing it safe. I guess I decided I really wanted to play to win that night. That was how I was trying to play to win. And I could see how she looked at me differently after that. She could see that I was doing it for the betterment of the date. I wasn't trying to be a. This was not my Persona, fake Connell trying to be a pickup guy. This was me really telling the truth. Within about 30 minutes, we were making out. We were all over each other. We were getting these looks from people in the bar like, yo, guys, get a room. And we only knew each other, like, an hour at that point. And she asked me out for a second date. She's like, you, we're going out again. When are we going out again? How about Saturday? I had never had a woman ask me out on a second date, let alone doing it on the first date, let alone she looked like Katie Holmes. Whoa. So the lesson here is not interrupt and be rude, which I risked being rude. The lesson is take the reins, lead the conversation, or at least monitor how the conversation's going, monitor how the date is going, and then take responsibility for a fun conversation on date. It's all part of being a leader. And Kate loved that I had the backbone to do this. She really loved it. Clearly. I mean, she didn't say this, but in so many Words. She showed it. She basically said to me or showed me, finally, a guy who takes charge, who's got boundaries and doesn't just nod along and tell me everything I say is perfect. I can't imagine how many dates she'd had where the guy just is sitting on the edge of his seat. Oh, really? Oh, that's awesome. Great. You got makeup today and you bought new shoes. Oh, that's great. What kind did you get? I was like, sorry, this story is really boring, but check the story out. And that was a big eye opening moment for me. Now here's a visual for you. I want to give you this visual. I'm a big movie guy, so when I'm not working or coaching, I'm watching movies. Basically. If I'm not working or with my girlfriend, I'm either playing tennis or watching movies or doing improv. But here's a visual from my love of movies. When you're on a date, imagine there's a little movie director sitting on your shoulder watching the date. Only you can see this little director. A little Martin Scorsese is next to you. A little Steven Spielberg is next to you in a little director's chair and he's watching the date. When the date, AKA the movie is going, well, keep rolling, Keep the film rolling. Let's make an amazing movie. When it's flirty, when it's fun, when you're vibing, keep it going. But when things get dull, when you are talking about stocks or AI or big bitcoin for too long, when she's talking about her ex boyfriend too long, which 60 seconds is too long, have that little director sitting on your shoulder, yell, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut. And then change the scene. Have that little Spielberg say, cut. Let's do it again and take two. In other words, change a topic, change to a subject that helps the date rather than letting her or you drone on about something boring again, don't be a control freak. You don't need to monitor every single word. Just notice how the date's going. Have that little Spielberg, that little Scorsese tell you this is the vibe right now is either helping the date or hurting the date. If it's helping, keep rolling. If it's hurting, then cut. Take two. All right, those were my three tips for you today about how you, a nice guy like me can still be a nice guy and not have to get stuck in the friend zone and not have to struggle with all the things that you might be struggling with. Some of them anyway. So, yeah, don't listen to that bullshit that you have to be some fake alpha male. You don't need amazing pickup artist game. You don't need to be some jerk. You get to be the good hearted guy you are. If I can do this, anybody can. All right? Hey, by the way, I didn't have any commercials during today's episode, so here's my one commercial. If you would like to talk to me and you want to find out more about how dating coaching works, just like how does it work? What's it cost? How do I get guys, girlfriends and dates? Then you can just go to my website, datingtransformation.com and you can book a free call with me. If you're interested in learning more about being a nice guy but getting your dream girlfriend, getting great at flirting and basically getting the kind of love and connection and confidence that you have always wanted with women. And if you don't want to book a call, that is totally cool. I am here twice a week giving you, trying to give you my very best tips and advice. So thank you so much for listening. Until next time. Later.