← How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett
How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett
Say This, Get the Date (No Flaking!) How To Never Run Out of Things to Say (Part 3 of 4)
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You’re talking to a woman you like—now what? How do you avoid running out of things to say and awkward silences? And how do you ask her out? In Part 3 of this special dating IRL series, dating coach Connell Barrett gives you a simple, 3-step roadmap...
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And knowing that you are more than enough for a woman. What you say is enough for a woman because it's coming from you, a really great guy. You don't need great game because you're a great guy. Ooh, I just made that up. That was pretty good. Welcome back to the how to Get a Girlfriend podcast. I am dating coach and bestselling author Connell Baritz. I'm here to help you confidently meet and attract wonderful women in real life. And do it without weird tricks or cringy pickup moves. Okay, so you've got her attention. You just broke the ice with this wonderful woman. Now what? She's smiling. You said hi. Now you're in a conversation, but suddenly your mind goes blank. What do you say next? How do you not run out of things to say? How do you keep her interested? What if the conversation dies? Most guys struggle with this. They either freeze up or they ask boring questions, or they ramble or they have a really long awkward pause and then she just slinks away and the result is no numbers, no dates, no chemistry, no. No success. But not you. Not after today's podcast episode, because this is part three of my four part special series here for Valentine's Day week on how to meet women in real life. And if you missed the last episode, please go back and check it out. I taught my natural approaching method so you know exactly how to break the ice with women anywhere in a way that works so, so well. But let's be real. Just breaking the ice, just approaching isn't enough. You have to keep the conversation flowing. You've got to create some kind of connection. You've got to ask for her number, set up the date. And if you don't do these things the right way, then all this time and effort you put into talking to the woman, she'll lose interest or it won't go, or it will fall flat. So today I'm going to give you. I'm going to give you a kind of a three step plan that you can follow. Let's call this a three step roadmap. A three step roadmap to make your conversations feel natural, authentic, flirty, much more effortless, so that you can turn that approach into a phone number, into a date, and eventually into getting a great girlfriend. And also I'm going to break down the seven biggest mistakes guys make when talking to women, post approach, and I'll teach you how to fix those mistakes. And by the way, please stick around until the very end of the episode today, because at the very end of the episode, I'm going to talk about one of the most common dating questions and problems I hear about from guys, which is how do you talk to women at the gym? How do I talk to her at the gym without being that creepy pickup guy who's bothering her mid squat? Okay, so I'm going to give you that tip at the very end. So that'll give you a reason to stick around to the very end. Okay, here are. Here's your three step roadmap to flirty, authentic conversation. Okay, so you walk up to that woman. You use the natural approaching method from last episode. And you've opened in a strong, positive way. You've got her attention, and now you're thinking, now what? Well, the now what is, you follow these three simple steps. Okay? Step one is you explore the topic that you used for your approach opener. Okay? Step two is you simply exchange names, introduce yourself, get her name, give yours. And step three is you discuss a second topic. And that's really all you have to do. And then all you're going to do is take out your phone and get her number. And then you're going to send her a dick pic and send her a nice dick pic. You know, send her something classy like, you know, Robert Mapplethorpe might have taken or Annie Leibovitz. Send her a nice dick pic. Don't send her a dark. Okay, no dick pics. I'm kidding. That's a joke. Obviously, everybody knows you don't send a dick pic till after the first date. Come on. No, but all jokes aside, basically what you're going to do is you're going to. And I'll break all this down in a second. Step one, you explore the topic that you used to approach her. Step two, then you exchange names once that conversation topic runs its course. And step three is you switch to a second topic. And then after you talk about the second topic, you simply take your phone out and you grab her number using the technique that I'll show you here in a few minutes. And so that's it, right? Those are the three steps. That's the three step roadmap to a flirty conversation. To get phone numbers, to get dates from approaching. It's pretty simple, right? You don't have to memorize anything. You don't have to use weird fake negs to cheesy lines. You don't have to script anything. In fact, it's going to work best if you're spontaneous, if you're in the moment, if you're present as Opposed to using some kind of memorized lines or using some kind of fake alpha male Persona. Do not do what so many male so called experts teach you. These clowns, these guys on TikTok and Instagram, and there's some real assholes, not assholes, but real dumbasses on YouTube. Contrary to what these pickup dudes say, women don't want to be gamed. They don't want to feel picked up. They want to feel like a charming guy, just came up and chatted with her and they had a genuine spark. And then he asked her out, you asked her out, and that's what they want. So give them what they want. Okay, let me break down the three steps, the three step roadmap to a flirty conversation so you can get phone numbers and dates. Step one, explore the opening topic. So keep the conversation flowing by expanding on whatever you used for that opening icebreaker. If you complimented her tattoo, talk about her tattoo. Ask for the story behind it, how she chose that pattern. If you commented on her dog, what a cute pooch she had, then talk about her pooch. Ask a little bit about what her dog is like, what's the silliest, goofiest thing her dog does when that makes her laugh? So here's an example from my dating past. I once approached a woman at Barnes and Noble. I spent a lot of times at bookstores just because I'm a big reader. That's definitely my kind of area to meet women. And I approached her by saying, oh, hey, it's nice to see that pretty girls still read books. So I compliment. I complimented her in a very flirty way, saying basically she's pretty, but also saying I thought I was impressed that she reads books. And she really lit up. And then when I asked her what her favorite book is, she said To Kill a Mockingbird. And then we started talking about books. I said, my favorite book is Moby Dick. We're talking about books. And the conversation kept rolling for a couple minutes. Actually more than a couple minutes. We talked for four or five minutes just about books. And so you want to be leading that conversation with step one, explore that opening topic. Women love a man who leads and leading. You lead in the sense that you're approaching, you're taking that lead. And you also want to lead the conversation to a good positive area. So think. I like to think of that opening topic. Remember, it's going to be a compliment, a question, or an observation, right? Going back to the last episode. So think of that opening topic that you used for your Opener. Think of it as a thread of conversation. Just follow that thread, pull the thread for as long as it wants to be pulled, and the thread's going to run out. It could. It could run out for 30 seconds. In 30 seconds, it could go for five, 10 minutes. It depends on mutual. Multiple factors. But basically, let that thread go for as long as it's going to go. I would estimate, typically it's going to be somewhere between 30 seconds and two minutes. How long can you talk about her tattoo? You know, how long can you talk about her boots or whatever you use to break the ice? Let's say it's going to be 30 seconds to two minutes. So it could be as short as 30 seconds. So that's step one. Let that conversation thread run its course. Now, step two is you introduce yourself. You exchange names. Simple as this sounds. You simply say, oh, hey, by the way, I'm Connell. What's your name? Just don't say Connell, because that's my name, not yours. Stop stealing my name, man. So you say, hey, by the way, I'm Ryan, whatever your name is. And then you say, what's your name? And you shake hands or give her a fist pump and say, pleasure to meet you. I like that. I love a nice smile, eye contact. Oh, pleasure to meet you. Very classy, very gentlemanly. And when you exchange names, that really shifts things in a subtle but powerful way. Because all of a sudden, you've gone from two strangers to talking about that book or that drink she has at the bar or the kind of coffee she's drinking, and you're no longer two strangers. You're now two people who are getting to know each other. You're moving towards something more personal. Here's a pro tip, by the way, a woman's first name is her favorite word in the English language. You know, if she has a unique name. So the reason why we exchange names is not just to. To become two people moving towards something personal. It also gives you a great topic because her first name is her favorite word. So if it's a you, if it's a unique name, you could ask about it. You could say, no way. Layla. I've never met a Layla before. Is your dad Eric Clapton? What's the story behind your name? My favorite, by the way, everybody's favorite word is their first name. Pretty much, right? My favorite word is Connell. My second favorite word is Gabagool from the Sopranos, you know, because, hey, both my name and Gabagool are delicious and funny. So there's something powerful about getting a girl's name. I was talking to a woman once. We were a couple minutes into the conversation, and I said, oh, hey, by the way, I'm Connell. She said, oh, I'm Faith. And I said, no way, Faith. I've never met a Faith before. What's the story behind your name? That's a great question to ask. What's the story behind your name? And she giggled and laughed. She said, well, my parents were big George Michael fans, so they named me after George Michael, you know, famous song Faith. And that led me to a pretty good joke. I said, no way your parents named you Faith. Well, I guess you could have been named I Want yout Sex. That would have been even worse or even more intense than Faith. And she laughed. Bottom line is, though, she got to open up about her family and how her name, how she got her name. I got to open up about my name. I said, oh, my name's Connell. I'm the youngest of six. And I told her a true story. Authentic, honest, real, always. I said, oh, yeah, my parents named me. They were in a bar and they threw a dart at a random map of Ireland because they didn't know what to name me. So they. I was named with a drunken throw of a dart. So, anyway, in two minutes, Faith and I are going from two strangers at a coffee shop to opening up about the story of our origin story that's kind of vulnerable and powerful. And anyway, so that's. Step two is you exchange names because it allows you to not only get to know her name and get to feel like this is more of a personal conversation, it also allows you to switch to a second topic, because essentially, a lot of guys run out of things to say when that first topic expires. Right? You're not going to run out of things to say anymore, because once the opening topic, that conversation thread ends, then you're going to switch to introduce yourself, get her name, share yours. You could talk about each other's names if you want to. That'll buy you more time. And then even if you don't talk about each other's names, you just get each other's names. Then you do step three. And step three is you just discuss a second topic, explore a second topic, and that's all you need, that second topic. And. Oh, sorry, let me. Let me back up. So that second topic is going to be something different than the first one, because that first topic is going to fade. Then you transition into names, and then you come up with a second topic, a second thing to talk about. Now, what that thing is? Well, it may happen organically. There may be something happening in the environment that's just so organic that it just happens. And if that happens, just go with it. Let the momentum of your conversation carry it. But if not, if something organic doesn't arise, go with one of these three options. Here's how you choose a second topic. A, B and C. Option A talk about something in the environment. The book she's looking at at the bookstore, or the sleeping old man who's asleep at the coffee shop, or whatever's in the environment. Option B is switch to a topic that somehow relates to her. What is she wearing? What else? What is she doing? Maybe she's on her laptop at the coffee shop. You might switch to that topic. Or if you're at a, I don't know, volleyball game, you meet a woman who plays in your weekly volleyball league, you might ask her, switch the topic to how long she's been into volleyball and how her volleyball league is going. Can be that simple. And then option C, for. For three options, is talk about something that is why you're both there. Like, what are you actually doing? Why are you both there doing whatever you're doing? So if you are just out and about, you know, I was. I approached a girl once in Miami. I'm just walking around on vacation in Miami. I was just jean shopping. I was just jean shopping and doing a little bit of window shopping and jean shopping. And I saw her. I gave her a compliment. I noticed her cool style. She had some cool, chunky shoes on. I said, hey, those are awesome shoes. You have great style. She said, thank you. We talked about her style for about a minute. And then I said, hey, oh, by the way, my name is Connell. She said, oh, I'm Melissa. So I learned her name, Melissa. And then we didn't talk that much about her name. We just switched to step three, discuss a second topic. And I said, oh, yeah. So I just came out because I'm jean shopping right now. What brought you out today? What are you. What are you out shopping for? And then she told me whatever she was shopping for. It's been a while, I forget what it was, but it's something very basic. And so again, step three is discuss a second topic. And if you're not sure what topic to go with, ask yourself, okay, what's in the environment? What's something about her that makes sense to talk about? Or what is. What is that we are both doing right now? And talk about what you're both doing right now or why you're out wherever you are. Does that make sense? I know I'm not giving you scripted planned content, but that's not going to help you. It might feel a little bit nerve wracking to not know what you're going to talk about, but trust me on this, when you're present and spontaneous, you're the the best things are going to come out in the moment because you're not going to be trying to memorize anything. And your you don't practice what you're going to say with anybody else in your life, I assume. Right? You just go through your life hanging with your friends, going to your job. You don't plan anything, so you don't want to plan anything with women either. That's why I'm going into detail with points here in the steps. So step three is discuss a second topic and choose A something in the environment, B something about her, C something about what we're both doing and why we're doing it. And this way you get to keep the conversation going. So yeah, for example, another example, I was at a coffee shop once and for step three, choosing the topic, we met each other, we exchanged names, we start chatting and then I just kind of looked around the environment and people were slipping on this leaky floor in this coffee shop because it was a rainy day. And we just talked about that. We joked about how, oh man, they really should fix the leaky floor. We talked. That was the second topic. Okay, that's all we talked about. I was at a bar one night, met a girl and first topic, I approached her, I said, hey, what's up? How's your night going? Very, very friendly. Got her name. And then I switched to the second topic and I switched to. And something about her was the nose ring she was wearing struck me and I asked her about the nose ring, asked her how she chose a nose ring. I was interested in her retro style. And one more example. I was at the gym once and I met a woman there again. I approached her using the natural approaching method from the last episode. I observed something about her yoga outfit or something like that. We exchanged names and then I switched to the second topic and I simply said, hey, what brings you here today? She said, oh, yoga class. And I shared what brought me there today, which was I was hitting the. I was, I was into boxing at the time and I was taking a boxing class. So we talked about her yoga and my boxing. That's all it was. So, so three simple steps, right? Step One, you. This is I'm talking about after you've approached. Right. Step one, explore the opening topic. Step two, exchange names. Step three, discuss a second topic leaning toward A, something in the environment. B something about her. C something about why you're both there or what you're doing. And yeah, this is the best way to do it because women love spontaneous men. This allows you to just be right in that present moment with her. Now, what you might be thinking, this doesn't sound like you're having me say anything super, super amazing. Exactly. I don't want you to have some kind of high bar for how good you think your conversation is. Because a big reason you might be freezing up or ever running out of things to say. It's not because you lack conversational ability. It's the anxiety that you feel for having to do good game or say the perfect thing or say amazing things you actually don't. The bar is so much lower for conversation than you think. And it's because we're going to lower the bar for how good your conversation has to be. That actually that bar with a lower bar you become more confident because you feel more comfortable. There's no pressure and you can essentially just make basic chit chat about each other and that's actually really attractive to women. You're just being yourself and you're making light, casual conversation. If anything, if you had this amazing, witty, awesome, charismatic conversational content. If anything that can come off as try hard as not relatable. And here's why. So here and here's what we're moving for. We've got this three step roadmap top you know where it's two topics. What we're trying to do is you want to get to the two minute mark of your approach. Conversation with her. The two minute mark is almost magical. What is the two minute mark? It takes a minimum of two minutes for you to get comfortable and confident in that environment. Talking to her, it's going to take at least two minutes to get you or at least more comfortable. In about two minutes you'll become a lot more socially comfortable with her. Also, it's going to take her a couple of minutes to get comfortable with you because she doesn't know you at all. You're just this new person who has entered her life and it's going to take her a couple minutes to get comfortable. And then maybe most importantly, it takes about two minutes minimum for a woman who has never met you before to be open and seriously consider going on a date with you. Two minutes. You always want to hit the two minute mark if you, if you can't, I mean, you always want to try. You're never going to, you're not going to do it every time, but you certainly want to try. Here's a rule. I rarely say never or always, but I'll say it this time. Never, ever, ever ask a woman out or ask for her number. If you haven't hit the two minute mark of conversation, it's just gonna flake, it's not gonna go anywhere. It just takes a couple minutes for basic human rapport to kick in so she can feel, get a sense for who you are. And plus, she needs to get a sense for, hey, does this guy have something to bring to my table? Is he my type? How do I feel with him? And it takes a couple of minutes minimum. So always try to hit the 2 minute mark of a conversation if she's a woman you're somewhat interested in, somewhat attracted to. Okay, so just a little recap here. Here's a three step roadmap. Step one, explore the opening topic. Pull that conversation thread for as long as it might go within reason. A couple minutes is fine. Step two, exchange names and potentially talk about each other's names if you want to. And step three is discuss a second topic. Okay, this should get you to smash right through the two minute mark. The two minute mark is our goal here because that's how long it takes. All right? Now after you reach the two minute mark, at any point, you are absolutely more than within your rights to ask her for a date or ask her out. You could, you could, you don't have to do it at two minutes, but two minutes is essentially when it's green lights to, to get her number. Now here's how to get her number the right way. Okay, you opened, you've chatted for two plus minutes. You're having a good conversation. You've passed the two minute mark. And because you've passed the two minute mark, you should now be a lot more comfortable. And that's another benefit of the two minute mark, by the way, is the more comfortable you get, the easier it is to keep the conversation going because you're just feeling like you're your authentic best self and more confident socially. Okay, here are some tips on how to get her number. Okay, here's, here's the mechanics of it. After the two minute mark, you could simply take your phone out of your pocket and you could say, give her a genuine compliment or something about her that you enjoyed. This is A great way to do it. Actually this, now that I'm thinking about this is really smooth. You could take your phone out and say, hey, you know what, it's been nice talking to you because X tell her why you've enjoyed talking to her. Because she's intelligent or because she likes books like you do or because she just has a good energy, you seem to like her as a person. And then you could say, hey, it's been great talking to you because XYZ compliment. And then you take your phone out and say, what's your number? I don't, don't say can I get your number? I mean, it's not the end of the world if you do it. I'm not going to be mad at you. But I like to say, hey, this was fun. It's been really nice talking to you. You're actually really intelligent and fun to talk to. Phone out, what's your number? I like that because there's sort of an assumption by saying what's your number? Instead of can I get your number? You're just assuming she wants to give you her number. And that's a great assumption to make because you're assuming that you're worthy, you're assuming that she's attracted to you, you're assuming she will say yes. And that can create a really nice self fulfilling prophecy. So yeah, I love giving her that statement, kind of a compliment about why you're enjoying her. Basically. You've got, you know what, wow, you've got great taste in music. We should go hit the record store together sometimes, not that record stores exist, but you know, or we should go, we should go to check out that I know this great live music event. We should go to it. What's your number? So yeah, no overthinking, no hesitation. Assume she wants to do something with you. Now I've been talking about, hey, what's your number? And that's a perfect. I want you to get numbers. Absolutely. If you want to take this to the next level, a really good way to get the number is you actually ask for the date first and then you make the number exchange more. The normal thing that occurs when two people agree to meet up together. So if you want, if it's going really well, she's really being present and positive and even flirting with you, which would be a nice bonus. If you just feel like it's going really well, then what you could do is you could say, hey, you know what we should do? We should do XYZ Fun thing together. It'd be nice to get to know you better and, you know, grab a glass of wine with you next week. What night's good for you? So you could ask her out in person and then set up the date right then and there with her mid approach. This is absolutely, absolutely on the table for you. And this can actually make the interaction feel even more impactful and more positive for her because lots of guys just grab a girl's number and then chase her down for a date. And that's very hit or miss. There's a lot of flaking that goes on in this world. But if you actually have such a great vibe with her, set up the date with her and then you just make the phone number exchange. Part of two people who have already agreed to that Thursday night date this week. Oh, man. It's very unlikely she'll flake and very likely you'll have a date. So that is essentially when and how to do it. So much of this is just about certainty in your voice and a positive expectation in that of course you'll want to give me your number. So if you're nervous, that's okay. I remember the first couple times I did this, my hand was literally shaking, bro. Like, I took my phone out and I'm just like, my hand was shaking. It's okay if you get nervous every time you do it, you're going to get smoother and more comfortable. So again, once you hit the two minute mark, or definitely before the conversation's over, take your phone out. Hey, it's been great talking to you. You have a great energy and you seem really interesting and I love that you're into video games just like I am. We should meet up for a drink this week. What's your number? Let's plan something. What night's good for you? Boom. Phone out. Okay, here's a quick pro tip. Pro tip. Don't be a phone number bandit. What's a phone number bandit? A phone number bandit is a guy who gets a girl's number and you will get numbers. And then as soon as he gets his her number, he says, well, nice meeting you, bye, and he bails. That makes a woman feel like her phone number was the trophy. We don't want her to feel like her phone number was giving you her number was the trophy. We want her to feel like you guys really clicked and connected and the phone number was just a side benefit of two people who clearly are liking each other. And so here's my tip. Instead of being once you get the number, talk stick around for at least another 30 seconds and talk about anything. I don't care what it is. The weather, I, the Yankees, pizza, stalactites, dinosaurs, anything. Just talk for 30 more seconds so that she doesn't feel like, oh, my phone number was just his trophy. So, yeah, I've done this a million times. Great. Got it. Thanks for the number. Cool. Yeah, it's looking good Tuesday night. It is. Fantastic. Great. I'll text you about details. And then I'm thinking, don't be a bandit, Connell. And then I might circle back to maybe one of the topics from earlier. Oh, hey, before I go, real quick, remind me, where did you get that tattoo? Because I want to recommend a friend. I'll just change the topic for literally 30 more seconds. I just, I want her to walk away feeling good about things, not feeling like he got his trophy, because if she feels like you just got her number as a trophy, she will flake on you. Okay, so that is something you don't want to do. Okay, so let's talk about. This is important. Let's talk about seven very common conversation fails and how to avoid them. Okay, these are conversation fails and how to avoid it. Here's conversation fail number one. Conversation fail number one is the classic running out of things to say. Okay, running out of things to say. Here's the fix for that. Well, one fix for this is what we've already spoken about. Sticking to this three step blueprint. Okay? This will help you get to that two minute mark. And once you get to the two minute mark, it's going to be so much easier for you to keep knowing what to say because you're going to feel more comfortable in your shoes. Okay? But beyond that, in terms of not running out of things to say, the fix is lower the pressure you're putting on yourself and follow the 8020 rule. The 8020 rule means that 80%, at least 80% of your conversation with a woman should just be normal, get to know you, kind of chitchat, low bar. And only 20% should be flirty, man to woman moves, you know, teasing, flirting, compliments. That stuff should be at most 20%. Probably more like 90 10. Let's call it the 8020 rule. The reason why so many guys run out of things to say is they just have this really high bar. It's like, oh my God, I've got to be funny. Amazing. Incredible. No, you just have to be sincere, speak your thoughts, be genuine, and remind yourself that you're not doing a TED Talk, you're not doing a standup act. And you're not doing game. Fuck that mentality. You're not doing game. You're just being yourself, being authentic and being present, being a good active listener. And the 8020 rule, I really love it because it unlocks that authentic self because it takes the pressure off and it lowers the bar because you're not straining for something to say. So if you run out of things to say, one thing you can do is you can just follow the 8020 rule. Another thing you can do to not, quote, run out of things to say is give yourself a back pocket topic. You know, give yourself some kind of a back pocket topic. And that's a really good way to never have to deal with running out of things to say. And that leads us to fail number two, awkward silences. Right? You approached her, you've chatted, and then there's a long awkward silence. And women hate awkward pauses. Women hate awkward pauses almost as much as I hate country music. That bad. So you definitely want to fill those silences. Okay, how do you fill those awkward silences? Well, actually, this is another one where a back pocket question is a great thing to have ready. Back pocket topic. Or even better, a back pocket question. When you go out to meet women, or just being ready in general in life, it's good to have a back pocket question like at. At your. You know, at. At ready to go. So that you can always have something ready to say. My favorite back pocket question. Back in the day when I was out approaching women for my own love life, I would always ask them, so what do you do for fun? I mean, besides get charming men to come flirt with you? I love that. Basically I'm asking what she does in her fun spare time besides me FL flirting with her. That's a really simple line, right? It's just 15 words. I'll repeat it. It's a great back pocket question. What do you do for fun besides get charming men to come and flirt with you? Because this just 15 word line does three powerful things. Keeps the conversation going. It shows confidence and playfulness. And it clarifies for her that you are flirting with her. You are not just being friendly, although you are friendly. You are not just Mr. Friendzone, though. You are there to flirt with her. And I really love that question. So if you are worried about what to say or worried about running out of things to say, just say, hey, what do you do for fun? What do you love to do? You know, besides getting handsome men to come say hi to you? And that's a really nice way to keep things moving forward while also being flirtatious. But you can also have other back pocket questions depending on the situation. It's very context dependent. So what I would do is always have a back pocket question ready to go depending on what where you are and what time of day it is. You know, if you're going to the coffee shop on Saturday and you might meet a really cute girl, have a back pocket question that makes sense. A question about coffee, A question about what she did last night for Friday night. If it's a Saturday. If you're going to some kind of party and there's going to be a lot of people and women there who you don't know and you might meet a really cute attractive woman, have a back pocket question. Could be as simple as so how do you know Jake the host? Could be something like that. And just having a back pocket question will probably mean you won't need it. You probably won't even need it because just knowing it's there, it will free your mind to just be really present and just always come back to being authentic and sincere and knowing that you are more than enough for a woman. What you say is enough for a woman because it's coming from you. A really great guy. You don't need great game because you're a great guy. Ooh, I just made that up. That was pretty good. You struggle with dating, right? Sure, you have a good job and cool friends, but you just aren't sure how to flirt. The apps don't work for you, and sometimes women put you in the friend zone. It's frustrating. Hey, I struggled with dating too. As an introvert and a total nerd, I didn't just live in the friend zone. I owned real estate there. But I escaped using the dating philosophy of Radical Authenticity, which I've used to help thousands of men in 17 countries find love. It's what I wrote about in my best selling book Dating Sucks, but yout Don't. And Radical Authenticity is why Psychology Today called me the best dating coach in America. And now I want to personally help you attract your dream girlfriend. So go to datingtransformation.com and book a free call with me on our call. I'll tell you how my one on one coaching will help you find your dream girlfriend. And you'll be doing it by flirting with confidence and and authenticity. No creepy pickup tricks needed. So go to datingtransformation.com, book a free call today and let my personalized coaching help you get a Great girlfriend. Okay, conversation fail. Number three, not asking for a number or date. Here's the fix. If you like her, go for it. Don't settle just for a nice conversation. Say something as simple like, hey, this was fun. Let's do it again. What's your number? If you like her, go for what you want. A number, A date. Don't settle just for a good conversation. Make sure you lead things somewhere. This is a big conversational fail. It's not about the content so much. It's about bailing out of a great conversation because you're not sure where to take it. And if you're not sure where to take it, ask for her number. This is other than approach anxiety. This is probably going to be. This is going to be something that you're going to have to face and be ready for is feeling like, oh, my God. The conversation's going pretty well, but I'm not sure what to do, so I'll just bail. When in doubt, ask for her number. Here's a quick story about my client, Joel. A few years ago, on a sunny. On a sunny Saturday afternoon, my client Joel and one other client were out. I'm helping them approach women in a. In a park here in New York City. And so I'm playing wingman, and Joel is sitting on a park bench talking to a really classy, attractive woman. She's got dark brown hair, she's got sunglasses on, she's wearing short shorts. She is a total babe, and it's going great. She's smiling and laughing, and they're having a great conversation. So I leave Joel thinking he's in good shape. I go, I find my other client, and I come back about six, seven minutes later, and I see that that woman in the short shorts is still there, but she's alone. And I was like, oh, where's Joel? And I found Joel sitting not far away. He's out of view of her, but he's sitting on the bench. His shoulders are slumped, his face is in his hands, and he's so upset at himself. I said, what happened? Or he's so upset. I didn't know why at the time. I said, what happened? I thought maybe he got rejected harshly. I thought maybe something really bad happened. I said, what happened? He said, I screwed up. It was going great, Connell. It was going so well. But I chickened out. And I didn't ask her out. I just left. I am such a coward. And I said, it's all good, man. It's all good. But she's still there. It's not too late. You can go back over there right now. And I said, this is one of those. He's like, oh, if I go back over there, it'll look so bad. And I said, look, this is one of those moments when you got to step up, take that courageous action. It's not too late. And I said, let me give you a tip. Here's what will work really well. I said, let me ask you, what's the most honest, truthful thing you could go back and say to her? At this point, he stood up, and he's getting a little bit more upbeat. And he said, oh, the most honest thing would be that. Well, that I tell her that I wimped out because I got scared, but I think she seems awesome, and I want to take her out. I said, great, there she is. Go back over there. So he marches back over there. She's only, like, 40 yards away. He goes back over there. She's sitting in the exact same spot on this park bench. This is a natural Madison Square park here in Manhattan. He walks right back over to her. He sits down next to her, and. Sorry. No, I'm sorry. He walks over, and he stands right in front of her. And she looks up, and I can't hear anything because he's too far away, but I can see everything. And so he re. Approaches her. He stands there, and I just see her look up. She smiles. He says his thing, which is basically, I wimped out. I got scared, but I'd love to take you out. And she takes her hand out and says, yeah, give me your phone. And she smiled and she brushed her hair back, and she put her number in his phone, and they chatted for another minute because he's not a phone number bandit. And then numbers exchanged. They set up that date. So. And then he came back, and he said, oh, my God, I feel like a God. I feel so good that I did that. And, uh. So, yeah, don't settle for just a nice conversation if it's going well enough. And my definition of how well it's going is she's talking to you. She's giving you her focus, her attention. That means it's going well. Always go for a number and a date if she's attractive to you. And then the lesson there from. From that story, I'm just so proud of Joel is he just basically said, okay, I made a mistake. I got scared. It's okay to get scared. It's okay to be human. It's okay. I told him, dude, you're not a coward. You're so not a coward. You're out talking to women in the daytime. You're a 1% man. I told him. And by walking back over there, you showed her what kind of character, what kind of resilience you have as a man. Man, that was so attractive. Now, that said, I'd rather you not have to re. Approach a woman. Just get the digits while you're talking to her. So, yeah, keep that. Make sure you always ask for a number if the conversation went relatively okay. Conversation number fail number five, Only asking questions. You've heard of the dreaded interview mode, right? Conversation fail number four is if you only ask questions. And the fix here is you want to avoid her feeling like she's interrogated. We don't want her to feel like she's in the back room of the NYPD Blue, right under the hot light. Where were you on the night of January 14th? If you only ask women questions, then it just doesn't. It doesn't come off well. And women hate it. They're used to it. And it just. It's a. It's an understandable problem with wanting it to go well. You're not sure what to say, so you just ask questions. But we want to avoid asking tons and tons of questions too many times in a row. So here's the fix for that. The fix for this is simply answer whatever question that you just asked her. Answer that question yourself as if she had asked you even if she hadn't. So, for example, you're talking to a girl. You're at a bar. Hey, what's up? What brought you out tonight? And she says, oh, I'm out with my girlfriends celebrating a birthday. Oh, cool. Awesome. Now, it'd be nice if she asked you why you're out that night, but maybe she doesn't. And you just answer that same question. Answer the question as if it was asked of you. Oh, yeah, I'm out tonight with my three buddies, getting together with my frat boys from college. Oh, great. Cool. And now the benefit of this is you don't want to just be asking her to do all the conversational work. You want to bring something to the table, right? I remember when I met that girl Melissa in Miami. I walked up to her, we're chatting. I'm jean shopping. And I said, yeah, what are you up to today? And she said, oh, I'm out shopping for whatever shoes or whatever she said. And I just went into my mind, and I thought, what am I doing today? And I said, oh, yeah. Nice. I'm here walking around, just shopping for jeans, but now and then I added a flirty line. Now it looks like I'm. I'm shopping for pretty girls. So here's your pro tip. It's totally fine to ask questions. Okay? Don't get in your head about asking questions, but don't only ask questions. Break them up with your own statements, things you want to share, things you want her to know. And if you catch yourself asking more than two or three straight questions in a row, notice that and jump in and. And say something as if she had asked you that question. So in other words, and here's a good drill for you to do this. Here's a drill. I did this with my client Adam. My client Adam did a in person coaching session where we're in on the Jersey shore during the summer. And I noticed that he would walk up to women. He was confident, he had great vocal tonality, he was bringing some good energy, but he was just. He would just ask like five, six, seven straight questions. And women were getting fatigued by that. It's very fatiguing to women to just feel like they're being interrogated. So I said, okay, here's your mission. The next woman you talk to, you cannot ask a single question. You can only make statements. And so he walked up to this girl, and I'm literally standing next to him as his wingman. And he walks up and he's like, so, guys, how's your. He's about to ask, how's your night? And he switches it to, hey, my night's going amazing. And they said, really? Wow, why? Why is your night going amazing? And he said, oh, well, I'm celebrating. My new company just did this, like, oh, cool. They said, what do you do? He said, oh, yeah, this is my job. And instantly the conversation flipped from women being fatigued by him asking all these interrogating questions to women responding to what he was offering them. So that's a great mission I would love for you to go do. Give yourself a fun little exercise. And this is a great thing to do with a wingman. You could, if you have a wingman, go up to a couple girls or go up with your wingman to one or more women. And then if you make a single. If you ask a single question in the first two minutes of an approach conversation, your wingman gets to punch you. How about that? That's a fun drill. And it'll just flip a switch in your mind where you switch from asking questions to making statements and Here are some good phrases to start statements with to get you revved up. I feel, here's what I think. Oh, here's a good one. You seem, walk up to a woman, instead of asking her where she's from, which she's so sick of, walk up to her and say, hey, I just saw you and you seem like you're from New Jersey or you seem like you're from the South. And this, even if you're wrong, it's fine. It's not about being accurate. It's about bringing some energy that you're bringing to the table as opposed to asking her to bring all the energy and answer all of your questions. So by the way, I'm not saying you should never ask questions. You just want to have a nice balance. Okay, now fail number five is actually related to the last one. Fail number five is asking boring questions. By the way, I don't have a problem with questions. I want good questions. There are two kinds of questions that women are sick of. They're sick of yes or no questions, boring yes or no questions don't give them much to answer. And they're sick of very informational, logical questions. What do you do? When did you graduate? How long have you been working there? How many siblings do you have? Where are you from? Instead of asking boring questions, here's the fix. The fix is to ask open ended questions or, and, or emotion based questions, right? So don't ask what do you do? Or I should say don't only ask that. Ask what do you love most about your job? Instead of when did you graduate? Ask her, what was your favorite part of college? Or what was you, what did you love most about going to college at that college? Think. Feel. Feel. Feel. Feels. Women are all about feelings. They're all about emotions. I mean, we all are, we're human. But women especially have feelings and emotions right at the top, the top of their, their skin in a sense. Whereas you and me as men, we're probably more logical, more analytical on the surface. Women are just dying to speak, connect with people emotionally and this is a way for you to do it. So, so those are some emot. So yeah, emotional questions would be, you know, what do you love to do more than anything else? What lights you up? What's your favorite thing to do in the whole world when you're not talking to handsome men like me? And then those are emotion based questions. And then you can also ask open ended questions. And these can be a bit more analytical, but because they're not yes or no questions. They're open ended. They invite her to give you a more expansive response. So open ended questions. A lot of them start with what, why, how or where. What do you love most about being a lawyer? Why did you move to LA from Ottumwa, Iowa? How did you and your sister here, who I'm talking to, how did you end up coming out here tonight? Or if she's with her friend, how did you two meet or where? You know, here's a good one. Where would you want to live if you could live anywhere? Or when things get flirtier in the conversation. Where do you think you and I should go together on our first vacation as a couple? Get asked that question in an approach that's very flirtatious. Okay, so that's the fix for that failure. Don't fast forward. This is not an ad. It's a free thing that's going to help you flirt with confidence because I'll bet that you struggle with what to say to women and how to flirt. Right? Well, let's fix that. I'm going to give you what I call the Flirty 30. These are 30 flirty questions to ask women on the apps or on dates or when you approach so that you can confidently connect with cool, sexy women. Starting today, it's time to stop running out of things to say and start asking them flirty questions that are going to make them want to date you. So to get your copy of the Flirty 30, it's totally free, just go to datingtransformation.com Flirty 30 and that's F L I R T Y 30 datingtransformation.com Flirty30. You're about to start confidently flirting with women, going on dates and soon getting a great girlfriend. Go get your flirty 30. Fail number six. Conversational fail number six. Talking about yourself in a boring way. What does it mean to be boring? Being boring can happen for a couple reasons. It's not because you're a boring guy. Absolutely not. You are not a boring person. Everybody is interesting and compelling in their own ways. I really believe that you might be boring because, well see fail number five. You might be boring if you speak purely in logic and information. If you're a software engineer, if you're an engineer or into mechanic or into software stuff. If you are a number cruncher, if you're an accountant, it's very possible. You're, you're trained every single day, 40, 50 hours a week to be very logical and analytical. Then when you go approach a woman at a bar On a Friday night. She's looking to have fucking fun. She wants to laugh and joke and flirt and dance and be silly. She does not want to live in a logical, emotional or a logical, analytical place that's like cold water in the pool. Logic and information is cold pool water to women. So you want to bring them some warm water. You want to bring her to the warm end of the pool. In other words, you want to not be boring. So a really easy way to not be boring is. Well, the last tip was bring emotion to your conversation, which I'll talk about in a second. Well, actually, I'll tell you right now, this is sort of an extension of the last tip to not be boring. Start off a lot of sentences with I love or I hate. I love. I hate charisma when talking to women. So much of charisma comes from having a full, unfiltered, raw, real range of expressiveness going all the way. Being amplified, being a bit more spiky is a good word. So I love this. I hate this. I'm not saying be negative. Oh, I hate this. Like, I don't mean be a negative person, but feel free to let her know that you absolutely love the Beatles and love Coldplay, but you fucking hate country music and you hate reality Housewives shows. And you love what she just said about X, but you hate what she said about Y. Having some love and hate in your conversation is a good way to kind of spike the conversational punch, because you're doing what bad boys do. You're doing the thing that more unfiltered men who just quote, unquote, tell it like it is, do. But you get to do it as a big hearted, authentic, awesome guy, as a gentleman, as what I call a 1% man. You get to do it as that best, most authentic self. So you get to steal the bad boy moves without being an asshole, without being abusive, without being a dick. You get the best of both worlds. Women don't want assholes and dicks. They date assholes and dicks sometimes because assholes and dicks have a full range of expression. They're very bold with their words. They give fewer fucks. So I guess what I'm saying to you is you want to give fewer conversational fucks. You want to be more expressive and extreme in your expression. So lots of I love and lots of I hate. Not, not lots of I hate some I hate. Okay, I was on a date once. And by the way, the things you love and hate can be the smallest, silliest little Things like trifles. I was on a date once and I remember we were talking about, oh, my God, I love travel. I love seeing the world. I just got back from Ireland. I felt so lit up standing on the cliffs of Moher. I was so connected to my family, my past, the waves crashing. I felt. I felt superhuman. And she was just loving it. And then I said, but you know what I hate? On the flight back, this guy behind me was using my seat back to stand up five times. He kept jerking me back. I hate people like that. People like that should be thrown out of the plane. So I'm not really being negative, I'm being grumpy and also so genuine. I hate people like that who sit behind me. And she loved that. She laughed her butt off. So we're giving women a full range of genuine, authentic expression and a way to help you get there faster. Flip that switch is I love and I hate. And also back to my last tip. Start off sentences with I feel. I feel. Here's how I feel. How do you feel? Here's how I feel. Women love men who talk through the lens of feelings and just making stronger conversational stance, having a strong point of view. You know what's boring to women, you know how you might be boring women maybe and not know it is lacking a strong point of view, lacking a strong committed opinion. So believe strongly in whatever you're talking about that's attractive to people in general and women in particular. Even this very podcast, this is kind of a meta way to coach you. But even this very podcast, the art of podcasting or the art of communicating in a forum like this, I'm being a bit more polarizing and extreme in my expression than I'm going to be with my girlfriend tonight when I'm just hanging out with my girlfriend, watching tv. We're cooking. I'm not saying I love this. I hate that I'm being a little extra spiky with you because hopefully this is holding your attention and hopefully making this a more compelling, interesting podcast. It's kind of the same in dating. Think of it as being your authentic self, but it's an amplified version of you. So conversational fail number six is talking about yourself in a boring way, being too logical, being too milquetoast and watered down instead of taking a real stance. So say I love when you love something, mention a couple things that you might hate. Use I love, I feel and just have strong, genuine opinions, be less filtered. And it's really attractive to women. And I think it's Going to feel really good to you as well. Okay? And conversational fail number seven is asking for her number too soon. It's kind of the flip side of that earlier lesson about not going for the digits. As I said earlier, you always want to get to that two minute mark in an approach before you can hope to have a number that's going to go somewhere. So always make your goal reaching that two minute mark after you approach. But most guys make the mistake of not asking for a number at all. But every so often there's a guy who asks for it too soon. I had a client who used to walk up to women, Jake, he would literally say, hi, I'm Jake and I want your phone number. Like literally the opening line. And I love his boldness, but that's just too fast. So make sure that you get to that two minute mark and or beyond, but at least two minutes before you go for her number. This comes down to before you get, you gotta give, right? And so you got to give a little bit before she's gonna, before you're gonna get her phone number. Okay, here's that bonus tip I want to give you. Maybe one of the most common approaching questions I get. Maybe number one is how the hell do you, what do you do at the gym? You might be thinking like, how do I meet women at the gym? I don't want to be that creepy guy who hits on girls. What if she complains? What if I get kicked out? But, but there's probably a couple of women at your gym who are just like, damn, they are your type. Well, here's what to do. Here's how I, here's my approach to approaching women at the gym. Remember, women go to the gym not to get hit on per se, but to get their H I T T hit on. Right? They're there to exercise first and foremost. So don't hit on her per se. But you absolutely can and should, I think, strike up light, friendly conversations with women to see if there's chemistry. So think of. Well, don't think of it this way. Your gym is a social club and she's a fellow member, right? So it's perfectly okay for you to seek to socialize with a woman who catches your eye at the gym. You just don't open the conversation with a direct, super direct sexual, come on, you know, damn, those yoga pants are painted on. Don't do that. Don't open with something cheesy like, oh, you must be taking boxing classes because you're a knockout. No, cheesy Pickup lines. So, yeah, avoid vulgar and cheesy. In other words, don't walk up to her and say, damn, girl. We should do a pose called downward doggy style. The yoga girl, right? Here's my advice. Here's what you want to do at the gym. If you see a. If you, if there's a girl you're attracted to at the gym, wait for a moment when she's not doing her exercise and then break the ice with her in that friendly G rated way. Just like I talk about in the last episode. So use the authentic approaching method. Question, compliment, or observation. Okay? It could be about her great style, her cool tattoo. You might ask her an innocent question about the music she's listening to. What's on her playlist? Hey, excuse me, miss? Yeah, I'm curious. What's on your gym playlist? That's a great way to break the ice at the gym. And these openers are virtually rejection proof because you're just testing the conversational waters. You're not doing weird pickup moves. You're not hitting on her, you're not doing anything that's going to get you in trouble with the front desk. You're not going to get marched out of there if you approach women this way. Okay? So you break the ice with her in that more conversational way. Next, notice how she responds. Read her body language. If her reply is very terse and she doesn't hold eye contact with you, no worries. You say, oh, hey, what's on your playlist? And she's like, oh, yeah, a podcast. And she turns away from you. Stay upbeat. Just say, okay, great. Have a great workout and move on. You did not creepily hit on her. You just said hello. And maybe she wasn't in the mood to talk. She almost certainly will not complain. Okay. However, what if she's positive and engaged? What if she smiles, she gives you some nice little social green lights? At least social green lights. To keep chatting with her socially, if not romantically, then keep talking to her. Be sincere, keep things light. Do exactly the things I've been talking about in this episode. So follow that three step roadmap. Topic number one, explore that. Exchange names. Topic number two. And then after about two minutes, again, the two minute mark that's magic. You take out your phone and you say, hey, I'll let you get back to your planks, but it'd be cool to talk again. We should go get wheatgrass shots. Shall we do numbers, something like that. Take out your phone and if she says yes, awesome. Success. You just Landed a date with the gym hottie, and you're gonna feel like Superman. And the two of you could be doing, you know, could be getting a smoothie together in an hour or two. If she says no or no thank you, don't take it personally. She might be in a relationship. She might have a boyfriend, she might have a girlfriend, hopefully both. Or it's also possible that she just sees the place, the gym, as the place to get fit, not to get dates. And you know what? Most women I've found are actually pretty flattered when you ask. Even if she's not available or interested, most women are actually flattered. So there's a very, very high likelihood that she'll give you a positive response, at least as a thank you, and then she'll wish you well and you'll feel great about taking a romantic risk. I once approached a woman this way at my gym. Absolute stunner. And I did exactly what I just described. And then when I asked her out, she said, actually, she held up her ring finger, which I had not even looked at. And she said, actually, my husband probably won't like that. And then she paused and she. And she said, you know what? I have this friend Sarah. You guys might be great together. And she fixed me up, so I still got something great out of the interaction. Plus, I did not. Plus, I made a really good impression on this woman. So if you do ask her out or ask for that number and she says, thanks, but no thanks, stay positive, wish her well, and feel great about having taken that risk. And know that you did it with real social grace. I remember one other story from the gym. I was once at the gym on a Sunday afternoon, and I complimented a woman on her. She had a Rolling Stones T shirt. I said, hey, excuse me, miss. You have really great style. I love the stones. And she smiled a real big smile. And then she said, actually, I noticed your T shirt too. I saw you earlier, and I'd been wearing a Krispy Kreme T shirt. And she said, yeah, I saw you earlier. Your T shirt was making me hungry. So she gave me really strong indicators. She told me that she'd seen me. She was smiling a really big smile facing me. And it was really a lot of good social signals. And. And it became pretty clear she was attracted to me. And then when I went for that phone number and got a date, I got it. And, yeah, pretty soon. So we went from talking about classic rock and glazed donuts for literally three minutes to swapping numbers and setting up a date. Which by the way included a very delicious decadent trip to Krispy Kreme. Because, hey, if you're going to go to the gym to burn fat, you want to find a fun way to put it back on, right? Okay, that is this episode. I hope this has been helpful to you. You now have a very simple, bulletproof way to approach, to talk to women, to get dates and to keep the conversation going. And this is all you need now. It's just about applying it. It's just about applying it and putting this into practice in the real world. And speaking of the real world, in the next episode, I'm actually going to break down some real life interactions that I've had with actual clips. I'm going to be playing some in real life, quote unquote in field approaching clips of me talking to real women out in the world. You're going to be able to hear me, you're going to be able to hear my moves, hear how I talk to women by actually kind of eavesdropping on actual approaches I've done with real women in the field. And I'm really proud of it and I think it's going to help you be like, oh, okay, now I'm really understanding how to do it. So anyway, stick around. That's going to be the next episode infield audio of me chatting up some, some women, having some wins, having some, some blowouts and bouncing back from it. And that's all coming up next. So stick around for that for part four of this four part series about how to meet women in real life. And don't forget your dream girlfriend. She is out there and she is going to love you, but she's going to want to meet the real, authentic you. So be authentic, go out there, take action. Carpe datum. Sees the date, it.