Podcast Summary: "Spank You Very Much: The Nice Guy’s Guide to Hot, Shame-Free Sex (with Kink Expert Amanda Dames)"

Introduction

In this engaging episode of the "How to Get a Girlfriend" podcast, host Connell Barrett welcomes Amanda Dames, a renowned kink consultant, certified sex and relationship coach, and sexologist. Amanda brings her expertise to the discussion, aiming to help listeners navigate the complexities of kink, intimacy, and sexual empowerment without shame. Connell highlights Amanda’s impressive credentials, including her large online following and her role as the host of the Kink Consultant Podcast.

Amanda’s Origin Story ([02:19] – [05:08])

Amanda begins by sharing her personal journey into the world of kink. From a young age, she recognized her unique interests, particularly in spanking and discipline. Despite facing years of shame and societal conditioning, Amanda found liberation in her late twenties when she took a job as a dominatrix in a New York City dungeon. This experience allowed her to embrace her true self and explore her desires fully. Although she eventually chose a different career path, Amanda later pursued certification in sex and relationship coaching, integrating her deep understanding of kink to help others overcome similar struggles. She candidly discusses how her kinky interests contributed to her divorce, emphasizing the importance of aligning sexual desires within relationships.

Understanding Kink: Definition and Societal Perceptions ([05:08] – [06:09])

Connell prompts Amanda to define "kink," acknowledging the varied perceptions listeners might have. Amanda explains that kink encompasses any sexual practices that fall outside mainstream norms, which can change over time as certain activities become more accepted. She notes, “Kink is anything that falls out of what is considered mainstream” ([05:21]). Amanda highlights that the spectrum of kink is vast, ranging from bondage and power play to more nuanced forms of sexual expression. She underscores the evolving nature of what society deems "normal," pointing out that activities once considered kinky can become mainstream (e.g., blowjobs and anal sex).

The Role of Shame in Sexual Desires ([06:46] – [07:52])

Shame is identified as a significant barrier for many individuals exploring their sexual desires. Amanda explains that societal norms often dictate rigid roles for men and women, leading to internal conflicts for those who deviate from these expectations. She advises, “You have to say F society” ([06:46]), encouraging listeners to prioritize their authentic desires over societal pressures. Amanda emphasizes the importance of consent, legality, and adult participation as foundational principles in overcoming shame and embracing one's sexual interests.

Client Story Illustrating Handling Shame and Kink ([09:21] – [12:25])

Amanda shares a poignant client story to illustrate the transformative power of understanding and embracing kink. She recounts working with a dominantly inclined man who felt deeply ashamed of his aggressive sexual interests. Through coaching, Amanda helped him uncover the underlying need for control and empowerment, rather than a desire to harm. This revelation enabled him to communicate his needs effectively to his partner, ultimately leading to a polyamorous relationship where both partners’ desires were fulfilled. Amanda states, “Once you can explain it to a partner, it can bring a lot of empathy to the conversation” ([11:32]).

Advice for Introverted/Shy Men on Assertiveness and Kink ([13:37] – [15:29])

Connell addresses listeners who are introverted or shy, seeking advice on becoming more assertive in their romantic and sexual lives. Amanda advises these men to engage in open conversations about their desires and to take ownership of foreplay. She suggests asking partners questions like, “Do you have any fantasies you’d like to explore?” and emphasizes the importance of active listening. Amanda encourages men to explore their interests independently before introducing them to partners, fostering mutual satisfaction and reducing the pressure to solely please others.

Effective Foreplay Techniques ([16:53] – [20:57])

Amanda outlines her four rules of foreplay, focusing on creating a connection and understanding between partners:

1. Make Your Partner Feel Seen ([18:00]): Complimenting and affirming your partner’s qualities to break down insecurities.
2. Light Forms of Contact ([18:00]): Engaging in gentle touches like tapping the arm or caressing hair to build intimacy without overwhelming.
3. Understanding Preferences ([19:30]): Communicating about where partners like to be touched to ensure comfort and enjoyment.
4. Continuous Connection ([20:57]): Treating foreplay as an ongoing process that extends beyond sexual activity to maintain intimacy.

Amanda emphasizes the importance of reading a partner’s body language and maintaining open communication to ensure both individuals feel comfortable and connected.

Recognizing Signals and Energy on a Date ([24:20] – [26:34])

Connell shares a personal anecdote about reading a woman’s cues during a date, illustrating the importance of recognizing subtle signs of interest and comfort. Amanda agrees, explaining that physical gestures like a light touch can gauge a partner’s energy and willingness to deepen the connection. She advises paying attention to body language, such as relaxed versus tense postures, to navigate the flow of intimacy effectively.

Discussing Kink on Dates: Tips and Strategies ([27:05] – [30:16])

Connell poses a scenario where a man wants to discuss kink on a second date and seeks Amanda’s guidance. Amanda recommends leading with curiosity, suggesting listeners ask questions like, “Do you have any fantasies you’d like to explore?” This approach opens the door for dialogue without overwhelming the partner. If a partner is receptive, men can then share their own interests in a light and respectful manner, using general terms before delving into specifics. Amanda advises starting conversations about kink with broad terms like BDSM and gradually introducing more detailed discussions based on the partner’s comfort level.

Understanding Specific Kinks: Choking ([31:04] – [34:38])

The conversation delves into the specifics of choking as a kink. Amanda explains that for many women, choking heightens the physical thrill and power exchange dynamics. She cautions about the importance of safety, advising listeners to learn proper techniques, such as holding the sides of the neck to restrict blood flow without causing harm. Amanda shares that choking can create a mix of physical sensations and psychological thrills, enhancing the intimate connection between partners. Connell shares his personal experience with choking, highlighting the balance between fulfilling a partner’s desires and maintaining personal comfort.

Embracing Nerdy Kinks and Roleplay ([34:38] – [36:59])

Amanda and Connell explore the concept of "nerdy" kinks, such as those inspired by fantasy worlds like "A Court of Thorns and Roses" (Acotar) or "Dungeons and Dragons." Amanda describes how role-playing and incorporating elements from beloved fantasy narratives can enhance sexual expression and creativity. She mentions the popularity of themed play, such as dressing up as fairies or using fantasy-based scenarios to fulfill kinks. Connell shares his own playful experiences, further illustrating how embracing niche interests can enrich one’s sexual life.

Navigating Dating Apps for Kinksters ([36:59] – [41:35])

The discussion shifts to the use of dating apps tailored for individuals interested in kink. Amanda praises apps like Field, which allow users to specify their interests in alternative lifestyles, such as BDSM, polyamory, and open relationships. She contrasts these with more mainstream apps like Tinder and Bumble, where subtle hints and coded language (e.g., specific emojis) are necessary to indicate kinky interests. Amanda suggests using abbreviations like "D/S" for dominant/submissive roles or utilizing emojis like ropes and chains to signal BDSM preferences. Connell shares his positive experiences with Field, noting the lack of judgment and the ease of finding like-minded individuals.

Kink as a Universal Aspect: 95% Are Kinky ([41:35] – [46:59])

Amanda asserts that a vast majority of people have kinky inclinations when defined inclusively, estimating that “95%” of individuals engage in some form of kink ([40:26]). She challenges the stigma surrounding the term “kink,” pointing out that many people avoid identifying with it despite having related interests. Amanda advocates for redefining kink to be more inclusive and accepting, emphasizing that it’s about fulfilling personal desires and fostering mutual satisfaction rather than adhering to negative stereotypes. Connell reflects on his own experiences, reinforcing the idea that embracing one’s authentic desires leads to more fulfilling relationships.

Advice for Sexually Inexperienced Individuals ([47:44] – [50:10])

Addressing listeners who are virgins or have limited sexual experience, Amanda offers supportive advice. She encourages these individuals to explore and understand their own interests before seeking partners. Amanda suggests engaging in research, joining kink communities, and attending in-person classes to build confidence and knowledge. She emphasizes the importance of mutual exploration and communication, ensuring that sexual experiences are fulfilling and consensual. Connell complements this by highlighting the value of authenticity and empathy in developing healthy sexual relationships.

Importance of Communication and Authenticity ([50:10] – [62:30])

Throughout the episode, Amanda and Connell stress the critical role of communication in overcoming shame and fostering authentic connections. Amanda advises never to underestimate the power of discussing desires openly and honestly, particularly before engaging in any sexual activities. She emphasizes that thorough communication is preferable to dealing with misunderstandings later. Connell shares personal stories that illustrate the benefits of being honest and direct in expressing one’s needs and desires, reinforcing the podcast’s overarching theme of "Radical Authenticity."

Fun Interlude: Kinky vs. Vanilla Game ([56:19] – [61:13])

Towards the end of the episode, the hosts engage in a lighthearted game distinguishing between "kinky" and "vanilla" scenarios, adding a playful element to the discussion. They debate public figures and fictional characters, humorously categorizing them based on their perceived sexual expressions. This segment not only entertains but also reinforces the concept that kink and vanilla exist on a spectrum, further normalizing diverse sexual interests.

Conclusion

In wrapping up the episode, Connell and Amanda reiterate the importance of embracing one’s true self and communicating desires openly. Amanda provides listeners with resources to further explore their kinky interests, including her website and downloadable worksheets for discussing fantasies with partners. Connell encourages listeners to take proactive steps in their dating lives by seeking authenticity and mutual understanding, ensuring that their quest for a girlfriend is rooted in genuine connection and shared desires.

Notable Quotes:

• Amanda Dames on overcoming societal shame: “You have to say F society. F what society is saying.” ([06:46])
• Amanda Dames on mutual desires: “You are someone's solution. Meaning your interests and desires are the exact things someone is looking for.” ([10:43])
• Amanda on foreplay: “There’s no better foreplay in my opinion.” ([18:00])
• Connell on authenticity: “What can read as creepy to women is just being that guy who stares at them, who wants to take an action but doesn’t.” ([55:09])
• Amanda Dames on communication: “You can never over communicate before a scene.” ([51:11])

This episode offers a comprehensive exploration of kink, emphasizing the importance of self-awareness, communication, and embracing one's authentic desires to cultivate fulfilling and shame-free sexual relationships. Amanda Dames provides actionable insights and relatable stories, making complex topics accessible and encouraging listeners to navigate their sexual journeys with confidence and empathy.