Podcast Summary: How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett

Episode Title: Stop Getting Ghosted! The 10 Texting Commandments that Get Women Writing You Back (Textual Healing, Part 2)
Host: Connell Barrett
Release Date: August 7, 2025

Connell Barrett, renowned as “America’s top dating coach for men” by Psychology Today, delves deep into the art of effective texting in this second installment of his three-part series on enhancing your texting game to improve your dating success. Drawing from his extensive experience helping thousands of men across 17 countries, Connell presents his "10 Texting Commandments" designed to help men communicate more authentically and compellingly with women, thereby increasing the likelihood of securing dates and building meaningful connections.

Introduction: The Power of Texting in Dating

Connell begins by emphasizing the importance of viewing text messages as "movie trailers," with the first date being the "main feature" (00:00). He shares a personal anecdote about his past relationship with Jennifer, highlighting how playful and authentic texting led to a fantastic first date, reinforcing his belief in the power of effective texting to build romantic connections.

Notable Quote:
“Think of your text messages as movie trailers. And the first date is the main feature.” (00:00)

The Texting Framework: Play, Play, Play, Pull the Trigger

Before diving into the commandments, Connell recaps his foundational texting framework introduced in Part 1:

1. Play, Play, Play: Keep messages light, playful, and fun.
2. Pull the Trigger: Occasionally take decisive action by asking for a date or further interaction.

This framework sets the stage for the detailed commandments aimed at refining each aspect of texting to enhance attractiveness and engagement.

The 10 Texting Commandments

1. Thou Shalt Give Value Authentically

Connell stresses the importance of offering value in every message, whether through humor, curiosity, or sharing interesting updates.

Examples:

• Humor: “Are you going to be no pressure, but I just got a brand new haircut. I'm gonna look so handsome tomorrow. You better bring your A game.”
• Curiosity: “Hey, how is your day going? On a scale of root canal to winning the Powerball.”
• Personal Sharing: “This last weekend I was out on the town with a client at a cool rooftop bar...”

Notable Quote:
“Your text messages should almost always offer something. They should give value... make her smile.” (05:15)

2. Thou Shalt Not Overread the Texting Tea Leaves

Connell advises against jumping to negative conclusions if a message goes unanswered. He highlights that delays can be due to various reasons, not necessarily disinterest.

Story Highlight:

• Michael’s Experience: Believing a single unanswered message meant ghosting, leading to unnecessary disappointment.

Notable Quote:
“If an unanswered text message meant you were getting ghosted, then my Girlfriend would have ghosted me 47 times by now.” (11:30)

3. Thou Shalt Not Fear the Double Text

As long as the messages provide value and maintain a playful tone, double or even triple texting is acceptable and not perceived as needy.

Examples:

• Sharing a Funny Video: “Here’s a 10-second dog convertible video. Watch out for crazy drivers!”
• Engaging Follow-Ups: Using fun content to continue the conversation without appearing desperate.

Notable Quote:
“Double texting, it’s not in what you write, it’s how you write it.” (18:45)

4. Thou Shalt Follow the Three Times Rule

Connell introduces his "three times rule," allowing men to send up to three messages before deciding to move on if there’s no response. This approach balances persistence with respect for the woman’s space.

Example:

• Abby’s Response: After three playful messages, Abby decides to respond positively, leading to a date.

Notable Quote:
“If you follow the three times rule, you’re being persistent plus charming.” (23:20)

5. Thou Shalt Change Her Mood, Not Her Mind

Focus on making the conversation emotionally engaging rather than trying to persuade or convince. Use humor and playful topics to keep the interaction light.

Strategy:

• Emotion-Based Questions: Instead of “How old is your dog?” ask “Who’s funnier, you or your dog?”

Notable Quote:
“Women want humor, they want play, they want lightness.” (29:10)

6. Thou Shalt Text Between Setting Up the Date and the Day of the Date

Maintain communication once a date is set to build anticipation and keep the connection alive. This involves sending light, fun messages leading up to the date.

Examples:

• “I got a brand new shirt and my biceps are popping for tomorrow night. Try to control yourself when you see me.”
• Discussing date activities like karaoke duets to keep excitement high.

Notable Quote:
“Keep the cadence going with some sort of messaging before you meet.” (34:05)

7. Thou Shalt Lower the Bar for How Good Your Text Messages Must Be

Authenticity trumps perfection. Connell encourages men to be genuine and relaxed, avoiding overthinking or trying to craft the perfect message.

Advice:

• Be yourself by expressing genuine feelings and thoughts.
• Avoid tools like ChatGPT for crafting messages, which can lead to inauthenticity.

Notable Quote:
“Whatever you’re thinking and feeling is what you’re going to text her.” (38:30)

8. Thou Shalt Ask Better Questions by Text

Move beyond clichéd questions to stimulate more engaging and meaningful conversations. Tailor questions to the woman’s interests to show genuine interest.

Examples:

• Instead of “How was your weekend?” try “What was the most delicious thing you ate this weekend?”
• Personalized questions based on her profile, such as wine preferences for a sommelier.

Notable Quote:
“Ask more insightful questions that you think she would enjoy answering.” (43:15)

9. Thou Shalt Use Photos, Videos, and Voice Messages

Diversify communication methods to make interactions more vivid and personal. Visual and auditory elements can enhance connection and keep conversations lively.

Examples:

• Sending a voice message to showcase your voice and add a personal touch.
• Sharing photos like a morning cappuccino or a funny subway performance video to add variety.

Notable Quote:
“Texting doesn’t have to be all words. Use photos, videos, or voice messages to break up the monotony.” (48:40)

10. Thou Shalt Pull the Trigger

Ultimately, the goal of texting is to transition to an in-person date. Connell emphasizes the importance of confidently asking for a date after establishing a playful and engaging rapport.

Strategy:

• Provide Date Options: Offer a range of dates to minimize friction and increase the likelihood of agreement.
• Be Decisive: Clearly state your intention to meet without diluting the invitation.

Examples:

• “We should finally do karaoke. What night works better for you, Thursday or Saturday?”
• Suggesting specific activities like axe throwing or dinner plans.

Notable Quote:
“Most guys either make the mistake of texting forever but never pulling the trigger, or they pull the trigger right away.” (56:10)

Bonus Commandment: Thou Shalt Text Her the Day After a Good Date

Connell introduces an additional rule emphasizing the importance of following up after a successful date. Sending a message the next day shows genuine interest and appreciation, differentiating you from those who employ game-playing tactics.

Examples:

• Sincere Message: “Last night was incredible. I’d love to see you again.”
• Cheeky Message: “Mom, Dad, I think I met the one last night. Fingers crossed she doesn’t find out I still live in your basement.”

Personal Story: Connell shares how his own relationship began when his girlfriend initiated the next-day message, highlighting the effectiveness of this approach.

Notable Quote:
“There’s something powerful in a world where so many other guys are playing games... let a woman know that you had a good time.” (1:05:25)

Conclusion: Embrace Authenticity and Respect

Connell wraps up by reiterating the significance of authenticity and respect in all interactions. While texting is a crucial component of modern dating, it should complement genuine, respectful behavior and authentic self-presentation.

Final Thought:
“Nothing is more important than authenticity and respect for women and flirting through your authentic self.” (1:06:50)

Key Takeaways:

• Provide Value: Always aim to make her smile or think with your messages.
• Avoid Overinterpretation: Don’t jump to conclusions based on delayed or missing responses.
• Be Persistent but Respectful: Follow the three times rule without appearing needy.
• Diversify Communication: Use multimedia to keep conversations engaging.
• Transition to In-Person: Confidently ask for dates after establishing rapport.

By adhering to Connell Barrett’s "10 Texting Commandments," men can enhance their texting interactions, reduce the likelihood of being ghosted, and increase their chances of forming meaningful romantic connections through confident and authentic communication.

Timestamp Reference:

• 00:00: Introduction and analogy of texting as movie trailers
• 05:15: Importance of giving value authentically
• 11:30: Avoiding overinterpretation of unanswered messages
• 18:45: Embracing double texting when done playfully
• 23:20: Implementing the three times rule for follow-ups
• 29:10: Focusing on changing her mood rather than her mind
• 34:05: Maintaining communication between setting a date and the actual date
• 38:30: Emphasizing authenticity over perfection in messages
• 43:15: Asking better, more engaging questions
• 48:40: Utilizing photos, videos, and voice messages
• 56:10: Confidently asking for dates without over-texting
• 1:05:25: Bonus commandment on post-date texting
• 1:06:50: Final emphasis on authenticity and respect

Note: The timestamps are approximated based on the transcript provided.