Podcast Summary

Podcast: How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett
Episode: Stop! Getting! Ghosted! The 5 Flirting Escalators to Turn First Dates into Second (and Third and Eighth) Dates
Host: Connell Barrett
Guest/Client: Evan AKA "Showtime"
Date: September 25, 2025

Episode Overview

This episode centers on one of the most common and frustrating modern dating issues: getting ghosted after a seemingly successful first date. Dating coach Connell Barrett, with the help of his client Evan ("Showtime"), dives deep into diagnosing first dates using his system of "Five Flirting Escalators." Connell and Evan analyze Evan’s recent dating experiences to extract practical lessons and actionable steps for moving from first dates to consistent second (and beyond) dates. The emphasis throughout is on authenticity, genuine connection, and controlling what you can in the unpredictable world of dating.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

Evan’s Backstory and the “Higher Self” Approach

• Connell introduces Evan: A single dad and software engineer struggling to escape the friend zone and break his "cellabait" persona (00:00–02:30).
• Connell on mindset: Changing self-perception is key: “Every client I work with...is going to change how they feel about themselves. They’re going to grow into a higher identity.” (01:15)
• Evan’s transformation: From “cellabait” (lower self) to “Showtime” (higher self, named after Magic Johnson era Lakers).

Diagnosing Why First Dates Don’t Lead to Second Dates

• Evan’s main struggle: Consistently getting ghosted after fun, seemingly positive first dates (04:53).
• Example date with “Farah”: They met on Bumble, had good conversation, playfulness, physical chemistry (including making out), but she went silent after (05:48–12:30).

Notable Date Moments:

• Playful banter over tattoos and personal stories.
• Physical escalation: “I literally just put two fingers on one side of her chin, pulled her toward me, and kissed her. That was just…awesome. I felt like I was like Cary Grant.” (10:50 – Evan)
• Despite a smooth date and affectionate goodbye, Farah didn’t reply to Evan’s thoughtful follow-up texts (12:31).

The Five Flirting Escalators (Connell’s Diagnostic Framework)

Connell introduces his five-level system for assessing a first date’s progress. Each “escalator” measures a different facet of romantic and interpersonal connection:

1. Fun/Playfulness:

   • Scale: 1 (boring, technical talk) to 10 (non-stop laughter).
   • Evan self-rates: 8 (14:01)

2. Emotional Connection:

   • Scale: 1 (nothing in common) to 10 (deep shared feelings/vulnerability).
   • Evan: 6, later upgraded to 7 (14:30, 22:06).

3. Clear Verbal Statements of Romantic Interest:

   • Connell emphasizes being direct and explicit about attraction (e.g., “You’re gorgeous,” “I want to see you again”).
   • Evan: 4–5. Connell notes Evan’s verbal compliments lacked direct, romantic or sexual energy. “That's not an eight. That's like a five. ...I said that to my girlfriend's cat.” (16:36 – Connell)

4. Physical Escalation/Non-Verbal:

   • Includes appropriate touch, making out, etc.
   • Evan: 7–8 (physical escalation present but not full intimacy; 18:40).

5. Authentic Expression / Range of Expressiveness:

   • How open, real, and expressive one is—in language and vibe.
   • Connell encourages not just vulnerability but vivid, passionate language.
   • Evan: Self-assesses as 7 after Connell’s coaching (24:09).

Big Takeaway:

Generally, Evan’s scores were strong except for clear, verbal romantic interest. Connell suggests this may sometimes be a missing link, but also underscores that ghosting often isn’t personal:

“Maybe you’re Zeppelin and she wants the Bee Gees. That’s her problem... It’s not how well you performed on the interview.” (26:53 – Connell)

“If you do all the things that are in your control...and a woman loses interest, then...maybe I’m just not her type.” (26:24)

Second Example: The Language Barrier Date with “Josie”

Evan recounts a memorable yet ultimately unsuccessful approach with a Portuguese-speaking woman at a music venue (30:20–39:21).

• Evan leveraged Google Translate for playful dialogue:

  “I whipped out Google Translator and I said something like, well, how am I supposed to flirt with you if you don’t speak English?” (31:49 – Evan)

• Physical chemistry was present (playful hair touch; reciprocation).
• Despite getting her number and attempting to arrange a follow-up with inviting texts (in Portuguese), she didn’t accept the date or follow up.
• Connell’s Texting Principle: Alternate asking (“pull the trigger”) with “giving” (playful, value-offering messages), especially if a woman seems noncommittal:

  “Basically pretend...ignore that she didn’t answer you and say, ‘By the way, I’m curious, what is the most delicious Portuguese meal that I have to have?’...to get back into banter mode…” (39:56 – Connell)

Concrete Strategies & “The Three Times Rule”

• If you don’t get a response to an invite, follow up two more times but with playful, non-request texts.

  "The three times rule is not ask three times...It's how can I make her smile? How can I get her to giggle about something and want to respond? … value texts..." (43:52 – Connell)

• Connell reaffirms that ghosting is rarely about worth or “doing it wrong.” Sometimes, especially with brief or low-connection interactions, women just need more rapport-building.

Lessons Learned & Authenticity as a Magnet

Evan’s Realizations:

• Saw a dating profile stating: “The way to win me over is be your goofy self. You being you will make me comfortable enough for me to be me.” (45:38)
• Authentic, even imperfect, interactions make both parties comfortable and lay the foundation for connection.
• Evan notices when he’s not trying to impress (“just conversing”), women seem more interested:

  “Maybe I don’t have to try. Maybe I don’t have to try...” (47:46 – Evan)

Connell's Wisdom:

• “Don’t be perfect, be real and shoot your shot.” (49:10)
• Self-deprecating stories (e.g., dropping oranges at Whole Foods and owning it) create memorable moments and lower tension.
• “Be perfectly imperfect. ...I think we’re attracted to flaws in others...little things.” (48:50 – Connell)

Notable Quotes & Moments

• Connell:

  • “[A]ll I ever want to do on a first date is just focus on what I can control.” (13:00)
  • “Maybe you’re Zeppelin and she wants the Bee Gees. That’s her problem." (26:52)
  • “Don’t be perfect, be real and shoot your shot.” (49:10)

• Evan:

  • "I literally just put two fingers on one side of her chin, pulled her toward me, and kissed her…that was awesome. I felt like I was like Cary Grant." (10:50)
  • “Maybe I don’t have to try. Maybe I don’t have to try..." (47:46)

Timestamps for Important Segments

• 00:00–03:00: Intro, Evan’s story (“Showtime” vs. “cellabait”)
• 05:48–12:30: Evan recounts date with Farah (conversation, bookstore, making out)
• 13:00–19:00: Connell walks Evan through the Five Flirting Escalators
• 30:20–39:21: Evan’s story about Josie, the Portuguese-speaking woman
• 42:52–44:13: Explanation of “three times rule” in texting
• 44:14–48:50: Evan’s and Connell's reflections on authenticity, best lessons learned
• 49:10–51:00: Connell’s story about the “orange mess opener” and final advice

Actionable Takeaways

1. Assess your dates against all five escalators. If you’re falling short on any, especially verbalizing romantic intent, practice expressing it directly and honestly.
2. If ghosted, don’t always assume it’s about you or something you did “wrong.” Chemistry and timing are factors outside your control.
3. Master switching between “giving” and “asking” in texting. If a woman doesn’t bite at an invite, pivot to playful, value-adding conversation ("three times rule").
4. Lean into authentic expression. Vulnerability, goofiness, imperfection, and honesty are attractive to the right person.
5. Follow up with honest, specific compliments. Instead of general “cute,” try “What’s sexy about you is ___” (be specific and sincere).

Episode Tone

The conversation is supportive, humorous, practical, and laced with self-awareness. Connell mixes tough love with encouragement, providing clarity for men frustrated by the unpredictability of modern dating and giving real tools to improve.

This summary provides a comprehensive overview and actionable insights for listeners wanting to avoid ghosting and navigate the “dating escalators” more skillfully – all while staying true to themselves.