Stuck in Your Head at the Bars? How to Confidently Approach and Talk to Women—Even if You’re Shy (Live Coaching with Eric!)

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Stuck in Your Head at the Bars? How to Confidently Approach and Talk to Women—Even if You’re Shy (Live Coaching with Eric!)"

Host: Connell Barrett
Guest: Eric, a Biology Graduate Student
Release Date: December 11, 2024

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Introduction

In this engaging episode of the How to Get a Girlfriend Podcast, renowned dating coach Connell Barrett welcomes his first live coaching guest, Eric—a mid-20s biology graduate student struggling with approaching women in social settings like bars and clubs. Eric's challenges are emblematic of many logical and analytical individuals who find the spontaneity of flirting and maintaining conversations daunting.

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Eric's Challenges

Eric opens up about his difficulties in initiating and sustaining conversations with women in loud, crowded environments. His typical approach involves asking standard, often uninspiring questions such as:

Eric (03:21): "Hey, is this your first time at a Thursday event?"

However, he finds that these questions fail to create genuine connections, leading to stalled conversations and frustration.

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The Importance of Bringing Value

Connell stresses the necessity of bringing value to the interaction. He explains that women aren’t simply looking for someone to hand them their phone numbers; they seek meaningful connections that enhance their evening.

Connell Barrett (07:25): "If you walked up to a woman and you said, hey, here's what I want from you, I want to date with you, is that giving her any value?"

Eric agrees, recognizing that his typical inquiries don't offer the emotional or entertainment value women seek in social interactions.

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Introducing Humor and Playfulness

To overcome conversational stagnation, Connell advises incorporating humor and playfulness. He encourages Eric to use his natural affinity for puns as an icebreaker. For instance:

Connell Barrett (10:37): "I love it. I would love for you to use that as your go-to icebreaker."

Eric struggles initially, noting his humor often relies on shared experiences or references unfamiliar to strangers. Connell suggests having a default joke or playful comment ready to ease the tension and make the interaction enjoyable.

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Storytelling and Authenticity

Connell shares anecdotes from his coaching experiences to illustrate effective approaches. One such story involves a client named Ken, who successfully used a committed karaoke approach to engage a woman, leading to an impromptu duet and a promising connection.

Connell Barrett (14:24): "He walks over to her and he just really goes for it... And they do an instant a cappella duet of Purple Rain. And all of a sudden he's talking to this really cute girl."

He emphasizes that authenticity and genuine effort to entertain or engage are far more effective than rehearsed lines.

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Building Conversation Threads

To maintain momentum in conversations, Connell introduces a three-step process:

1. Compliment – Offer a specific, sincere compliment that isn't solely based on physical appearance.

   Connell Barrett (50:05): "Hey, I just saw you and I love your hair. Your hair looks fantastic tonight."

2. Introduce Yourself – Transition from strangers to acquaintances by exchanging names.

   Connell Barrett (61:25): "By the way, I'm Connell. What's your name?"

3. Shift to a New Topic – Move beyond the initial topic to keep the conversation flowing naturally.

By following this framework, conversations become more dynamic and less interrogative, fostering a genuine connection.

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The "Push-Pull" Flirting Technique

Connell introduces the push-pull method as an effective flirting strategy. This involves teasing combined with sincere compliments to create emotional intrigue.

Connell Barrett (66:20): "You're either the weirdest girl I've met in a long time or the coolest. I'm just not sure which."

This technique balances tension and attraction, making interactions more engaging and memorable.

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Enhancing Online Dating Profiles

Shifting focus to online dating, Connell advises improving profile quality as a foundation for successful matches. Key recommendations include:

• High-Quality Photos: Use diverse images that showcase hobbies, interests, and personality.

  Connell Barrett (73:23): "Every photo on your profile should have a purpose. It should... bring her something of worth to her."

• PhotoFeeler Testing: Utilize platforms like PhotoFeeler to receive feedback on photos regarding attractiveness, trustworthiness, and intelligence.

• Engaging Prompts: Craft profile prompts that reflect personality and spark conversation.

By optimizing these elements, profiles become more appealing and effective in attracting potential matches.

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Mastering Text Communication

Connell addresses Eric's anxiety around texting, debunking common myths such as the fear of double texting or overthinking responses. He emphasizes focusing on bringing value through texts by:

• Being Authentic: Let messages reflect genuine thoughts and feelings.

  Connell Barrett (70:37): "As long as your text messages are mostly giving her value, they're mostly seeking to make her smile."

• Maintaining Lightness: Keep conversations playful and interesting without the pressure of perfection.

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Avoiding Interview Mode

A critical warning is given against falling into "interview mode"—where one side dominates the conversation with purely informational questions. Instead, Connell advocates for a balance of curiosity and sharing to foster mutual engagement.

Connell Barrett (82:37): "Interview mode is fine. Be afraid of living in logical, boring, informational zone."

He encourages asking creative, thought-provoking questions that reveal deeper aspects of one's personality and interests.

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Final Tips and Takeaways

Connell wraps up the coaching session by reinforcing the importance of action over information. He urges listeners to:

• Apply Learned Techniques: Practice the provided openers and conversational frameworks in real-life scenarios.

• Embrace Authenticity: Presenting a genuine self is more attractive than following scripted lines.

• Take Risks: Understand that some approaches may be polarizing, but confident and authentic efforts often lead to meaningful connections.

Notable Quotes

• Authenticity and Value:

  "You have to bring value. If you walked up to a woman and you said, hey, here's what I want from you, I want to date with you, is that giving her any value?" (07:25)

• Humor as an Icebreaker:

  "I love it. I would love for you to use that as your go-to icebreaker." (10:37)

• Push-Pull Flirting:

  "You're either the weirdest girl I've met in a long time or the coolest. I'm just not sure which." (66:20)

• Avoiding Interview Mode:

  "Interview mode is fine. Be afraid of living in logical, boring, informational zone." (82:37)

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Conclusion

This episode provides a comprehensive and practical guide for individuals like Eric, who find the prospect of approaching women in social settings intimidating. Connell Barrett's insights blend authenticity, humor, and strategic conversation techniques to empower listeners to build genuine connections and enhance their dating experiences. By focusing on bringing value and embracing their true selves, men can navigate the complexities of flirting and relationship-building with greater confidence and success.

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Ready to Transform Your Dating Life?
Join Connell Barrett and access more game-changing advice by tuning into his How to Get a Girlfriend Podcast. Empower yourself with tested strategies and start building authentic connections today!

Transcript

[Connell Barrett]

If a woman's at a bar, at a club, she is not out to just hand her phone number out to anybody. You have to earn it. Welcome back to the how to Get a Girlfriend podcast. I'm your host, dating coach Connell Barrett. I'm here to help you learn to flirt, get a great girlfriend and do it all with authenticity. No sketchy, weird pickup artist moves needed. And I love doing these coaching episodes. Today is an episode for you. If you ever get tongue tied when wanting to approach a woman, especially in a bar or club, you're just not sure what to say. You get in your head or maybe you do occasionally talk to women, but you just can't keep the conversation going and that's really frustrating. And that's what my client, Eric came to me battling. So you're going to meet Eric today. This is our very first coaching session that we are doing. He came to me with a very specific challenge. Getting in his head, struggling with approaching and struggling to, just to keep the conversation going. So we're mainly going to be talking about that. And Eric is a really common case. He's a biologist, or rather he's studying biology. He's in his mid-20s. He's a grad student in biology. And a lot of men, maybe you have logical analytical jobs like grad school, engineering, software developing, finance, and in this case, biology, science. So if you struggle with science or if you struggle with science, if you struggle with flirting with women and what to say, a lot of it is because you can be overly logical and not create that fun, playful vibe that women like. So listen to today's episode. I have so many great tips that I shared with Eric. I think a couple little moments you want to go to at the 17 minute mark, roughly 17 minute mark. I talk about the wrong way to approach women and, and then, oh, this is great. There's a really good story at the 39 minute mark where I talk about the truth about what women really find creepy with men who approach them. Basically, it's not what you think. The thing that you think is creepy is actually not creepy at all. And something that you might not know is creepy is super creepy. So that's at about 39 minutes in. So enjoy this coaching session with Eric. Here we go. Eric, what's up, man? How's your day?

[Eric]

Good to hear from you.

[Connell Barrett]

I'm. Let's get to some coaching. What is top of mind for you today? How can I help you, bro?

[Eric]

I guess just talking to potential dates and in a, in a, in a live setting you know, like in. At a bar or something is something that I. I tend to struggle with, I guess. If you can help me out with that. Whoever's listening also needs help with that.

[Connell Barrett]

Tell me a little bit about specifically what you're struggling with. And if you have a story, an anecdote from the recent past about a time you wanted to talk and didn't or couldn't keep the conversation going, feel free to elaborate.

[Eric]

Yeah, I mean, the past couple of times I've gone to this one club near where I live. It's just like. It was. It was decently loud. It was. It was crowded. I'm not too used to clubs, but it was like. Like, I would go up to a woman and I'd like. I'd like. I'd say, like, hey, is this your first time? Or so? Something like that. And, you know, because, like, they were at, like, a Thursday event, so it's like, hey, is this your first time at a Thursday event? They're like, yeah. I'd be like, hi, I'm blah, blah, blah. Like, oh, you know. And I'd say, ask the usual, like, what do you. What do you do? Who do you talk to? That. That type of thing. I'm sorry, what? Who are your friends? That kind of thing. And. But then after that, it's kind of. It's kind of a struggle to keep going. And, you know, the questions, like, you know, what do you do for work? That. That type of thing, what do you do for fun? They're a little. They're a little boring. I don't even like asking them. So I feel like even then my heart's not all. My heart's not all there, so it can be a little boring. And like, I guess maybe, like, the momentum stops and, like, I feel like it's kind of something where it's like, well, it was good talking to you, you know.

[Connell Barrett]

Okay, so that's a pattern you've seen. Yeah, yeah, that's the pattern. Got it. Let's go back to one of these examples. Think back to the last time this happened. You saw her, you walked up and you basically. It sounds like you asked a lot of questions, right?

[Eric]

Yeah.

[Connell Barrett]

And you started with, oh, is this your first time here?

[Eric]

Yeah.

[Connell Barrett]

Did you really care that much if it was her first time?

[Eric]

Oh, that's a good question. Probably not. I mean.

[Connell Barrett]

Okay, I wouldn't.

[Eric]

Outside. Outside of.

[Connell Barrett]

Let me ask you this. You know. You know Wonder Woman, right?

[Eric]

Yeah.

[Connell Barrett]

Are you a comic book guy? Marvel guy?

[Eric]

Not particularly.

[Connell Barrett]

Okay. But you know about Wonder Woman and her lasso of truth.

[Eric]

Oh, yes, of course.

[Connell Barrett]

She puts the lasso around you. And if Wonder Woman's lasso is around you, you must tell the truth. I would love Wonder Woman to tie me up is what I'm saying. But let's say that I had, let's say, go back in time to that approach you just described at that club. By the way, this woman, just to paint a picture for me, what did she look like? What was she wearing?

[Eric]

She was wearing a dress. She had like shoulder length blonde hair.

[Connell Barrett]

Okay.

[Eric]

She was a little. A little shorter than me. Maybe five. Five, that kind of thing.

[Connell Barrett]

Okay, cool. And she's at a cool club in California where you live. Yeah, got it. Okay. So if Wonder Woman. If I had Wonder Woman's rope, if I was with you in field, helping you approach women like I do with my clients here in New York City, if I threw that Wonder Woman rope around you and I said to you, eric, now you have to tell the truth about any question that's asked you. You must speak the truth. If I said to you, what are you? What's the deepest, truest thing you're thinking and feeling about that woman? What would the answer be?

[Eric]

I'm here to ask people on a date. I want to ask you on a date, I guess.

[Connell Barrett]

Okay, that's honest. I appreciate that you gave the honest answer, which is great. We want to start with a place of authenticity and honesty. At the same time. We also want to find this balance when we approach women. Before you ask for what you want, you need to give her something. You need to give bring value. Bring value. So what do I mean by bring value? You want to try to make her night better than it was the second before she met you. And if you walked up to a woman and you said, hey, here's what I want from you, I want to date with you, is that giving her any value?

[Eric]

Probably not. Definitely not at that stage, no. I mean, it's just.

[Connell Barrett]

But, well, there is value in honesty, so that's why I do want you to arc toward honesty. At the same time, we want to balance truth and authenticity with bringing some value, bringing good vibes. Bring in some kind of something that's going to make her smile. Do you think asking her how, if this was her first night, brings her much value, if any?

[Eric]

Probably not. I mean, it would. It would put us on, like, even ground, I guess. I mean, where I would go, I'd be like, oh, yeah. I mean, because it was my second time, I'd be like, oh, yeah, it's a nice place. You know, like, I'd tell her about the event, which isn't much value either, I guess.

[Connell Barrett]

Gotcha. So do you have any thoughts on how you could have made her smile or tried to. You might not have succeeded, but how can you try to make a woman like that smile with the first thing that you say? Any thoughts there?

[Eric]

I'm into humor. I like. I like humor. I've. I've made women laugh on dates before.

[Connell Barrett]

Cool.

[Eric]

I guess it's just kind of hard on the spot when I don't really know anyone. A lot of my humor is maybe, like, we talk about a show or something and like. Like, you know my friends. A lot of my humor is just, like, references to shows and stuff like that or, like, details about people that I already know. So it's a little hard when it's, like, impromptu or, like, I'm just meeting someone.

[Connell Barrett]

No, I'm not saying it's easy, but if you're trying to do something that's very difficult or that's challenging for most men, you're walking up to a beautiful woman, and you would love to walk away with a phone number or a date with her. Right? Right. So the great things in life are difficult. That's okay. There's also great rewards waiting for you on the other end of this. So back to that little moment. The Wonder Woman rope of truth is, oh, wow, I would love a date with you. Fine. Let's keep that Wonder Woman rope of truth around you. What is a truthful, honest way to show your sense of humor to her? Any possible ideas, a joke you might crack? Do you have a favorite Knock, knock joke? Do you have a go to? I don't mean with approaching. I just mean a go to quick, like, default joke or something that might make you laugh that you could say to anybody, whether it's a woman or somebody else.

[Eric]

Oh, no, I think. I think most of my humor is, like, incidental. Like, my friend will say something and I'll say, like, a pun, and they'll sigh really heavily and be like, why are you my friend?

[Connell Barrett]

Okay. Do you like puns?

[Eric]

Yeah, I love puns.

[Connell Barrett]

Okay. Can you share any around me any puns that you know and, like, comes to mind?

[Eric]

Oh, yeah. Why? Why does a cow have hooves?

[Connell Barrett]

Why?

[Eric]

Because they lactose.

[Connell Barrett]

I love it. I would love for you to use that as your go to icebreaker.

[Eric]

Okay.

[Connell Barrett]

Walk up to this woman and say, hey, excuse me, I've got a question for you. And then do your pun.

[Eric]

Okay.

[Connell Barrett]

You're you're trying to bring a smile to her face, right?

[Eric]

Okay.

[Connell Barrett]

No, I'm asking.

[Eric]

Oh.

[Connell Barrett]

Do you see the value in bringing value to a woman?

[Eric]

Yeah, I do.

[Connell Barrett]

Yeah, Absolutely. So you could start with something like, hey, I got a dad joke for you, or I got a great pun for you. And then ask. Ask her the joke. Or do a knock, knock joke, or here's a way to bring value. I'm just giving you options. I'm not saying this fits you entirely, but do you. Have you ever karaoke?

[Eric]

Yeah, I do.

[Connell Barrett]

Okay.

[Eric]

I mean, I've only been to karaoke once, but I like singing.

[Connell Barrett]

Okay. What. What are two or three of your favorite songs that you like to sing, whether in the shower or just because you're got the top, got the windows down, driving and listening to your favorite couple songs?

[Eric]

Probably like take on me or like Come On Eileen or like.

[Connell Barrett]

Okay, gotcha. So here's another way you could break the ice with that woman. You could walk up to her and you could say, you could literally start singing the first two lines of Come on Eileen or take on me. I'm not saying it's normal. I'm not saying it's usual to do that. I'm saying it's going to make you stand out. And you're trying to bring the party to her because a woman at a club, she's at a club. This was a club. And it was also a Thursday dating event. Was it both? Okay. Regardless of whether or not it's a dating app event, if a woman's at a bar at a club, she is not out to just hand her phone number out to anybody. You have to earn it. Yeah, Right. You have to give her something for it. Give her good emotions, give her a laugh, give her a smile. So I would love for you to just walk up and. Just walk up and say, hey, excuse me, I just want to say something to you. Take on me and just commit to the song. Feels weird and goofy, doesn't it?

[Eric]

Yeah, it does.

[Connell Barrett]

Does it also seem like it might be fun and silly?

[Eric]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Connell Barrett]

By the way, I'm not saying the secret to approaching women is always start with a karaoke opener. But this brings me. This is. Here's a quick story from many years ago. One of my very first clients ever, a guy named Ken. You might remember this. This is a story I have in the introduction of my book. And I went out with Ken. Ken is kind of a nerd assistant professor at a college on the east coast. And he just was struggling to approach. He had really bad, approaching anxiety. And he's one of my first clients ever. And we were at this bar called the Brass Monkey in New York City. And we looked around and I said, what girl here is totally your type? And he pointed to a really pretty girl, also a blonde, if I recall. And I said, great, what's your favorite karaoke song? He said, oh, Purple Rain Prince. And I said, there you go. There's your opener. Walk over to her and sing the first two lines of Purple Rain and commit to it. You can't go up half hearted and go Purple Rain. I said, you gotta commit to it. So he walks over to her and he taps her on the shoulder and she turns and he points his finger out like Tom Cruise in Top Gun. There's a famous scene in Top Gun where Tom cruise serenades Kelly McGillis. You never close your eyes anymore when I kiss your lips. There's no tenderness like before in your fingertips. You're trying hard not to show it, baby. But baby, believe me, I know that you've lost that loving feeling. Anyway, Ken taps this girl on the shoulder and he just really goes for it. He says, I never meant to cause you any sorrow. Oh yeah. I never meant to cause you any pain. And he really commits to the song. And not only does she start laughing and smiling, but she starts singing with him. They do an instant acapella duet of Purple Rain. And all of a sudden he's talking to this really cute girl and all he had to do was walk up and really commit to an approach that offers value, brings something to the table. So I'm not saying you have to sing to women, okay?

[Eric]

Don't.

[Connell Barrett]

Don't feel like that's what you always have to do. But think of this through the lens of how can I bring value? How can I make her smile, crack a joke, make an observation that you think is interesting, Ask her a question that might be a little bit more emotionally compelling than is this your first time here? And then just get present in the moment and see what happens from there.

[Eric]

Okay.

[Connell Barrett]

Questions? Comments?

[Eric]

I've had a few stirring. Any. Any other, like, good ones besides, like, singing or like telling jokes that you like?

[Connell Barrett]

Openers?

[Eric]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or just like types openers. The ones that bring value, I guess. I'm just sure.

[Connell Barrett]

Oh, there's lots of ways to bring value. I like to. I like to challenge a woman. I like to say something like, oh, hey, I just saw you and you look like you might be trouble. Or I got this from one of my Old coaches. I always liked it. I would walk up and say, you look like you're not boring. Now, what does that tell a woman when you walk up to say, hey, you look like you're not boring? What is the subtext there? Do you think that she might feel.

[Eric]

That other women are boring?

[Connell Barrett]

Okay. And what does it say about you that you are telling a woman.

[Eric]

I'm.

[Connell Barrett]

Talking to you because you're not boring.

[Eric]

That I'm fun or that I think other women are boring?

[Connell Barrett]

Okay, that too. What I was going for is it creates a context, an expectation of, I am not here, milady, to entertain you and to jump through your hoops. I want you to jump through my hoops. Or at least I want to see if you're as fun as I think you are. Does that make sense?

[Eric]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Connell Barrett]

In every social interaction, in this case, we're obviously talking about a man and a woman at a bar. He's approached her. In every interaction, there's one person who is looking to buy more than sell, and there's another person who's looking to sell more than buy. Do you remember the buyer seller dynamic from my book?

[Eric]

Yeah, yeah.

[Connell Barrett]

What can you. Can you tell. Remind me what it is just so we make sure we're on the same page.

[Eric]

I can't remember the language you thought from your book, but it is something I've heard before. Just the idea that one of the one person is. Is reaching out there, and the other person is like one person is extending more than the other, basically.

[Connell Barrett]

Yeah, exactly. And when you walk up to a woman and you're either you say, or the vibe is, oh, hey, I just came up to you and I want a date with you, who's selling themselves, you or her?

[Eric]

Her.

[Connell Barrett]

No.

[Eric]

Oh, my bad. Oh, who's selling themselves?

[Connell Barrett]

Sorry, who wants something?

[Eric]

I do.

[Connell Barrett]

Right. I know you didn't say, I'm here for a date with you, but you did say your most honest answer, the wonder woman of truth answer would be, I want to date with you. And I appreciate the honesty. However, what I want a woman to feel is that you are approaching her because she's attractive. You don't want to ask her out until you find out she meets your standards. That make sense?

[Eric]

Yeah, it does.

[Connell Barrett]

Because if you walk up and say, hey, I just saw you and I want to date with you, why the hell would she say yes to that? She doesn't know you.

[Eric]

Yeah.

[Connell Barrett]

She doesn't know what you bring to the table. And also, and don't get me wrong, I'm not yelling at you. I did this many times. But we want. Here's the perfect vibe when you approach. Not perfect, but a great vibe. The vibe is, hey, I came up to you because you're hot, but I want to see what else you got. In other words, I want to see if you meet my standards. And it's very rare for a man to walk up and do that. Most men walk up and they're kind of. They've got their hand out, so to speak, looking for a handout. Hey, here's my handout. Please give me your number. Please give me a date. So even though you want a date with her, I would suggest to you, well, you want to only ask her out or at least project this feeling for her that you only want to date when you realize that she meets your standards and you find out she's actually cool, she's actually interesting.

[Eric]

I see what you're saying. Yeah, I guess it puts the. On, it takes the pressure off of me and like, it kind of makes it more even in a sense.

[Connell Barrett]

Yeah. One of my old coaches used to say, kind of paraphrasing him, that a beautiful woman in a club, in a bar, she's like a millionaire. And all these men coming up to her are like poppers with their hand out. And so when you walk up to an attractive woman and you're just like, oh, let me find something to ask her about just so I can get a handout, maybe I'll get a phone number, maybe I'll get a date. That's understandable. It's very human. She's beautiful. You would love to date her if she's a cool person. But woman's not going to go on a date with a popper. She's going to go on a date with a fellow millionaire. So you walk up and you bring the value, you bring the fun. You crack a joke, you sing a karaoke song. You say, hey, you look like you might be fun or you might not be boring. You're letting her know I have options, I have confidence, and I'm not going to date just anybody. Now you might not actually feel that way about your dating life because you're. This is our very first ever coaching call and we're still getting you, getting that confidence, that sense of your self worth. But we still want to project that to a woman if we can.

[Eric]

Okay.

[Connell Barrett]

Yeah. Because to be honest with you, that the thing you say, this won't be the advice you maybe want to hear, but it's the truth what you say. Doesn't matter all that much. What matters is that you're saying it from that higher self confident, I'm worthy place, really in touch with bringing a lot of value to her. So I'm happy to give you all the openers in the world. I got all the openers in the world. I've used them, I've written a lot of them. But bottom line is a woman is going to be drawn to you because you are, you are a man of value and you have something to bring to her table.

[Eric]

Yeah, I see. So much of the value that I feel like I can bring to the dating table is something that will be like for someone I've known for a long time, you know, like emotional support or like just being someone nice to hang out to. I guess it's just like opening and making that strong first impression is something that is hard for me. But I feel confident in the other stuff I mentioned.

[Connell Barrett]

Right, so you're confident in the, in the relationship based value that you're offering?

[Eric]

Yeah.

[Connell Barrett]

Great. That's fantastic. That's important. So important. Because women want a man who's kind, who's supportive, who is there for her. Absolutely. That's not what's going to work in the club.

[Eric]

Right, of course.

[Connell Barrett]

Yeah, I know you know that. So we want, for lack of a better term, some pretty good, I don't, I don't use this term often, but some good game to project that sense of worth, value, having fun. And that's why I come back to this idea of bringing value of saying and doing things that bring, bring more fun to her than she was having or more interesting conversation or funnier conversation or silliness than she was having before. That's all you have to do. If you're bringing her more social enjoyment than she was having before you came up to her, she'll want you to stay. Even if, even if your line wasn't amazing. So. Or it doesn't always have to be amazing. So yeah, the emotional support you'll bring, that's fantastic. But that's more, that's going to come out on the date or eventually in a relationship. Yeah. You want to bring a lot of certainty with an approach, fun flirtatiousness. Have you ever walked up to a woman and said something very kind of a direct flirtatious approach?

[Eric]

No, I've wanted, I've wanted to since I read your book. I wanted to be like, hey, you looked really pretty and I wanted to talk to you.

[Connell Barrett]

Like, I like that. Let's go back to the idea of being truthful, because I started that conversation thread hoping to get to something that could be valuable for you. So we don't want to start with, hey, I want to date with you, even though that's honest. But there's other ways to use honesty. Here's a quick story. Tell me if this resonates with you. One of the very first nights I ever went out approaching, I was with my wingman. This is on a rooftop bar in New York City 15 years ago. Exactly 15 years ago. And we looked around the bar, and he said, hey, who here is your type? Who's really your type? And I saw this girl in a silver dress, brown hair. You never close your eyes anymore When I kiss your lips there's no tenderness like before in your fingertips. You're trying hard not to show it, baby but baby, believe me, I know that you've lost that love and feeling. She looked like the actress from the movie Flashdance before your time, but a woman named Jennifer Beals From a famous 80s movie called Movie called Flashdance. And I was like, oh, man, she's my type. And then he asked me, so what's. What's. He asked me, what's the most honest, true thing that you're feeling? And I said that I'm super nervous, but you're my type and I would love to meet you. And he said, great, there's your opening line. And I walked over to her and I said, exactly that. I said, hey, I just saw you. I'm actually pretty shy. I never do this, but you're totally my type, and I wanted to meet you. Wonder Woman, rope of truth. That's the truthful thing I was feeling. And she looked at me, Eric, and she cocked her head a little bit and smiled. And she said, oh, yeah, right, you're real shy. But she was smiling when she said it, and she put her hand out and said, hi, I'm Amy. So she liked it. And that was a big aha moment for me because what I realized that when I said exactly what I was thinking and feeling or something pretty close to it, when I led with vulnerability and authenticity as opposed to some overly planned line, that that realness really carried the day and actually made projected a sense of a vibe of confidence. You struggle with dating, right? Sure, you have a good job and cool friends, but you just aren't sure how to flirt. The apps don't work for you. And sometimes women put you in the friend zone. It's frustrating. Hey, I struggled with dating too, as an introvert and a total Nerd. I didn't just live in the friend zone. I owned real estate there. But I escaped using the dating philosophy of radical authenticity, which I've used to help thousands of men in 17 countries find love. It's what I wrote about in my best selling book, dating sucks, but you don't. And radical authenticity is why Psychology Today called me the best dating coach in America. And now I want to personally help you attract your dream girlfriend. So go to datingtransformation.com and book a free call with me. On our call, I'll tell you how my one on one coaching will help you find your dream girlfriend. And you'll be doing it by flirting with confidence and authenticity. No creepy pickup tricks needed. So go to datingtransformation.com, book a free call today, and let my personalized coaching help you get a great girlfriend. That actually made this woman think it was a line. She actually thought it was a planned line, like, oh, he's using that all night. It was completely genuine, but because it was genuine, she could. It made me just kind of own it. And she like, liked it. And all of a sudden I'm talking to this beautiful woman who looked like my flash dance crush and I got her number. So anyway, when in doubt, I would avoid, avoid purely informational questions like, hey, how's your night? Is this your first time here? And I would avoid openers that are asking for something right away, like, hey, I just saw you and I want your number. I would lead with vulnerability. So one last question about her and we'll move on to a different topic. But if you can go back in time and say something kind of genuine and vulnerable, but that's not asking her for a date right away. What might that have been?

[Eric]

I mean, I usually start with like saying like, hey, I like your dress or something like that. But that, that also feels kind of. I've also had trouble with that.

[Connell Barrett]

Or like, I guess, I guess I want. I want to get something more personal about her.

[Eric]

I see.

[Connell Barrett]

Like I said to her, oh my God, you're totally my type. I feel nervous, but you're my type and I wanted to meet you. I'm telling her that something about her is pulling me toward her. Here's another example of me doing this. I was at a Barnes and Noble once and I saw this beautiful woman. And what I noticed about her were her cheekbones. She had these beautiful cheekbones. And I usually don't approach with a physical compliment because that can make some women feel objectified. But it wasn't her tits. It wasn't her ass, it was her face. Classier. So I said, hey, I just saw you. I saw your cheekbones from over there. Those books. And they drew me in like tractor beams. Just came out of the moment. And her face lit up. She's like, oh, really? Like tractor beams? And I said, yeah. And then she and I were having glasses of wine on my rooftop that night or one night later. So again, one last little thought here. What's an. What's a more honest kind of emotion based thing you could confess to her as the reason you were talking to her? What is. What is a G rated confession you could make about her? A compliment. Something vulnerable, something more real that's not about her address.

[Eric]

Oh, man, I don't. I don't know. This is not. This is not my forte.

[Connell Barrett]

That's why we're doing coaching. Your forte. Tell the truth. I mean, tell the hypothetical truth in the situation. What's something honest you were feeling about her?

[Eric]

That she has lovely hair.

[Connell Barrett]

Okay. You notice her hair?

[Eric]

Yeah.

[Connell Barrett]

Boom. Hey, I just saw you and I love your hair. You have lovely hair. Can you amp it up? That's G rated. Can you amp it up one level to pg?

[Eric]

No, they're the same in my mind.

[Connell Barrett]

Okay. I'm not trying to get you to be vulgar or sexual. I just mean, you know, you're at a bar. It's a dating app, social context. You can put some masculine, romantic sexuality out there, as long as it's not vulgar. You could walk out. You could walk up and say something like. Like, did you find her sexy?

[Eric]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Connell Barrett]

How about that? Hey, I just saw you. You're very sexy. Hi, I'm Eric. How would that have felt?

[Eric]

Do you think it would feel like I've grown up to feel like saying that is objectifying?

[Connell Barrett]

So, really? Okay. I think that you have understandably fallen into a common trap that a lot of men fall into, which is, ooh, it's wrong to let a woman know you find her attractive.

[Eric]

Yeah.

[Connell Barrett]

It's wrong to be sex. It can't. It can be too much too soon. If you walked, I would not say, go up to her and say, oh, my God, your tits are amazing. Can't take my eyes off your ass. That's objectification, however, to call a woman sexy. Have you ever walked up to a woman and called her sexy?

[Eric]

No.

[Connell Barrett]

Only one way to find out what would happen then, right?

[Eric]

Okay.

[Connell Barrett]

I had a great coach named Anthony Resinello, by the way. He's a great guy. If you're looking for a kick Ass dating coach. Besides me, Anthony Racinello is one of the best. He coached me 15 or so years ago, and one of the exercises he gave me was we went out to a rooftop bar, and he said, connell, you've got to get comfortable telling women they're sexy. You're a man, they're women, they're out at a bar. What's wrong with that? What's healthier than that? And I was like, I don't know, man. Isn't that creepy? Isn't that weird? He's like, just try it first. Three or four times I did it. I was very timid. I was nervous and in my head about it. Hey, excuse me, miss. You're really sexy. And didn't go that well.

[Eric]

Yeah.

[Connell Barrett]

Not because I was doing something creepy, but because I didn't commit to it.

[Eric]

You didn't own it.

[Connell Barrett]

Yeah, exactly. I did not own it. She owned it. Or I. I didn't own it. I leased it.

[Eric]

Yeah.

[Connell Barrett]

And then I got comfortable, or at least more comfortable. Four or five approaches in. All of a sudden it felt really good. And I remember. I remember two women were standing at this rooftop bar called the Plunge Bar at Gansivort Hotel. And I walked up and I. One of them really caught my eye, and I said, hey, you're sexy. She's like, really? I like gingers. You're cute. Boom. It was so on. So putting. That's an authentic, genuine, real card I was playing. I really meant it. I found her sexy, and it was a great, important night. Showing me the power of putting that real self out there.

[Eric]

Okay.

[Connell Barrett]

By the way, don't get me wrong, it's going to be polarizing. If you go up to a woman and say you're sexy, you're going to get a big thumbs up like I did from that last example, or you're going to get a big thumbs down. That might be too much for some women. You want to be pre. Accept that a direct open is going to be polarizing by nature. But. But hey, sometimes a man's job is to take some courageous action and let the chips fall.

[Eric]

Right. Would you. Would that. Would I stand out in a bad way if I did that? Like, I don't know. If I did that to a few women in a bar, do you think, like, they'd be like, oh, don't talk to that guy. He's just. He's just making weird advances.

[Connell Barrett]

I don't know. Are you a. Are you a bad guy?

[Eric]

No.

[Connell Barrett]

Then what do you care? Are you worried? Are you going to go through your life worried about what other people think of you.

[Eric]

I already do, but I just mean, like, you gotta change that. Yeah, I just mean, like, would it affect my ability to hold the conversations later on in the night? I guess.

[Connell Barrett]

I don't follow your question.

[Eric]

Like, I don't know, like, if I. If I get like a reputation in the bar for being, for advancing too much, I wonder if it would throw people off.

[Connell Barrett]

So you spend a lot of time on this call, and I understand. This is not me yelling at you. This is me pointing something out that I used to do as well. You spend a lot of time focusing on what you're afraid of.

[Eric]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Connell Barrett]

Spend a lot of time focusing on what you're trying to avoid. And that's okay. To a point. We don't want to make social gaffes in life. By the way. This means you're normal. Means you're socially and psychologically healthy. You don't want people to think you're creepy.

[Eric]

Yeah.

[Connell Barrett]

You don't want a bad reputation. Right. This means you're normal and healthy. Congratulations. You know who doesn't worry about this stuff? Psychopaths, sociopaths who don't worry about other people. People who, God forbid, have mental problems on the street. So it's actually a sign of your good mental health that you're focused on having a good reputation and wanting to fit in with society. However, if you overdo this, then you get so focused on what you're trying to avoid. Don't do this, don't do that, don't make waves, walk on eggshells that you're never going to go talk to a woman, you're never going to take a risk, or at least it's going to be really hard to. So I'm here to give you a little, hopefully some freedom to say, you're a man, you're young, you're attractive, you're a student of biology, you're a graduate student, you're intelligent, you have so much to offer. There is nothing wrong with walking up to attractive women in social situations and seeing if there's chemistry, seeing if there's a spark. By the way, I'm not saying you need to walk up to women and only say you're sexy. That's not the magic bullet. But I want you to have that bullet in your. In your six shooter. Yeah.

[Eric]

I understand.

[Connell Barrett]

No, totally. By the way, it's good, it's healthy to think about your reputation and not want to come off as, you know, some weird, creepy guy who's macking on all the women, right?

[Eric]

Yeah, exactly.

[Connell Barrett]

That's a good thing to make sure you're not doing. But we don't want to overly take that. Take a couple of those aspirin. Don't take the whole bottle.

[Eric]

Yeah.

[Connell Barrett]

Do you remember this story from my book? It kind of gets to the point I'm trying to make. By the way, my go to approach is not you're sexy. That story about Anthony taking me out, that was just an exercise where I went out one night to focus on something that was holding me back. I'm going to suggest you be a bit more conversational and indirect with most approaches until you have a lot of confidence so that you don't have to worry about being that guy who's walking around saying, you're sexy. However. But here's a quick story. Same friend, I had this wingman. We would go out, we would give each other missions to do. When I first started approaching women, this is in the late 2000s, late double zeros. And he. We're at another rooftop bar, and he said there was a table with a cute brunette, a cute blonde, and a big muscular guy sitting at the table. And there was one open seat. And he said, go over there. Approach them. And I'm like, what, are you crazy? That big guy is probably going to kick my ass. Plus, I'm bothering them. I'm going over, bothering them, sitting at their table. He's like, do it. Because we made a deal. We had to do what the other person said, and it was my turn to do what he said. So I walked over, I pulled up a seat, and I sat down and mustering all the commitment I could, I said, hey, guys, you look friendly. I just wanted to come over and say hi. And I sat down and the brunette, short brunette, she leaned forward, her eyes got really big. She leaned forward and she said, oh, my God, you just came right over here and sat down and talked to us. Do you know what you are? And I thought to myself, a creep who's about to get his ass kicked by your boyfriend, maybe. But I kept my cool and I said, I don't know. What do you mean, what am I? She said, you're normal. Thank you for just coming over here and talking to us. And then she pointed to a different guy at a different table, and she said, see that guy over there in the black shirt? A fellow ginger, by the way. So I could totally relate to him. She said, see that guy over there? He's been staring at us all night. And it's creeping us out. And I got her number, by the way. Oh, by the way. The big muscular guy. He was neither of their boyfriends, just, Just a dude who knew them. He was friendly and cool. No issues. And I actually got the brunette's phone number. And I walked home that night thinking, oh, my God, what a. What an aha moment. Some guys think that it's a little creepy and weird to be walking around talking to women. Okay, maybe, maybe there's a little bit of truth in that. You don't need to approach 20 women. But I think what's way creepier is being at a bar, seeing somebody you want to talk to, and just staring at them and doing nothing.

[Eric]

I. I do remember this story because I, I think about it like, because I try not to stare as much because of that story. Like, if, like, if I'm not going to approach them, then I just, like, I make sure I, I do something else or, or I approach them or, or it gives me the guts to approach them.

[Connell Barrett]

Good. Well, the lesson isn't don't. Just don't stare. The lesson, the lesson is go up and talk.

[Eric]

Yeah.

[Connell Barrett]

Or, or if you're not, if you're not going to go approach them, fine, don't stare at them and hang out with your friends. But obviously we want you to be talking to women often and knowing that it's more normal to go do it. You know, they call it a bar or they call it a pub, you know, you know where the term pub comes from? It's where the public comes out to socialize.

[Eric]

Yeah.

[Connell Barrett]

If people didn't want to be talked to, they would stay home and drink alone like I used to do.

[Eric]

Yeah, that's. Oh, that's true. It's so simple.

[Connell Barrett]

Yeah. Not easy, but it's simple. And you're probably naturally introverted, I would assume, right?

[Eric]

Yeah, I am. I have. Yeah. I'm kind of in the middle. I like, I try to say hi to people, but, like, you know, I don't like my friends and stuff. I try to, like, it's only when, like, I know someone that I try to, like, encourage, like, gatherings and stuff like that. I'll make plans, you know, I think, I think again, it goes down to, like, I'm good at. I'd be good at things down the line if I were, like, to date someone. But it's just like starting out is so hard.

[Connell Barrett]

Starting out.

[Eric]

Starting out just like meeting someone is hard, but like.

[Connell Barrett]

You mean approaching. Approaching at a venue?

[Eric]

Yes, exactly. Making that first impression.

[Connell Barrett]

So go back to this evening, if you don't mind me asking, or if you want to choose a different night out, you can, but whether it's that night or a different night, like how many women do you typically talk to in a given night, if any?

[Eric]

I don't keep count, but maybe like six to eight that I showed.

[Connell Barrett]

Okay, that's great. That's a great number.

[Eric]

Thanks.

[Connell Barrett]

You said it's hard to start, but once you start, do you feel like you get some momentum?

[Eric]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm trying to think. I have to. Like my friend has said that it's like that it's like analogy wise, it's like rolling tape. Right. Because once you get like, once you get that part of the tape where you can pull off, then it's a lot easier.

[Connell Barrett]

Nice. I like that analogy. I like to think of it as swimming. I swim laps. Have you ever been much of a swimmer?

[Eric]

Yeah, yeah, I've been trying to go more often.

[Connell Barrett]

Okay. So you know how when you get into the pool, start swimming, water's pretty cold.

[Eric]

Yeah.

[Connell Barrett]

Then it feels warmer. A while back. So I was swimming a few months ago and I remember I. So I got in my swimming pool where I go swimming most mornings and you know, water's really cold. I start swimming, I'm doing my thing and about five minutes later my phone, which I had left at few feet away over on a chair near the pool, my phone goes off. I had forgotten to turn my alarm off. So I was like, ah, damn it. My alarm went off. I had to get out of the pool. I get out of the pool, I turn my alarm off, then I get back into the pool. And as I slide back into the pool, all of a sudden the water now feels like bath water. It was so warm five minutes earlier, it was so cold. But the water now felt 20 degrees warmer. Of course it wasn't. The water was the exact same temperature. The only thing that changed was my body's relationship to the water. It was warm because my blood was pumping, I was moving, I was taking action, I was getting momentum. Same with approaching. I would just say pre accept the likelihood that that first approach of the night, first one or maybe two are going to be not perfect. Water is going to be cold. You just do them, you start swimming and then what you should find is three, four or five approaches in, the water feels a lot warmer and it's so much easier to go talk to women.

[Eric]

Okay, I'll keep that in mind.

[Connell Barrett]

Yeah, just pre accept, you know it's going to be cold at first it's okay, that's just approaching. I don't even count the first one or two. Like, I don't, I mean, I count them. I don't judge myself if they don't go. Well, I'm not. I think of them just as warm up approaches.

[Eric]

Okay.

[Connell Barrett]

One of the other things you wanted to talk about, and this is sort of a related topic, is how to keep the conversation going. Yeah, right. How long are your conversations typically. Sorry. When they do hook. When a girl does talk to you, how long do the conversations last? When do you tend to get stuck? Because I want to help you get unstuck.

[Eric]

Oh, I don't know. I think the most I get stuck is near the beginning when it's like, when it's like those, those basic questions, you know, like the one, okay, oh, what do you do? That, that type of thing. I think maybe I'm too stuck in terms of like. And this is something that goes with my, with my social sister. Just being friends with someone as well, you know, like just starting out. Okay. I don't have a consistent way to get out of that loop of like, what do you do for work, what do you do for fun? That type of thing.

[Connell Barrett]

Okay, how about this? Let me give you a little three step process to try on the next time you go out. Try out the next night you go out. See how this feels to you in theory. And if you want to do it, then go do it. Yeah, I like to approach this way. We've been, we were talking about direct approaching, but actually if I had to only choose one way to approach women the rest of my life, I would go indirect. I would not start with something sexual or hey, you're sexy. I would go with something more conversational or observational. And here are my three options. I'm going to give you multiple choice. So let you always know what to say without planning what to say. This will make it more spontaneous. Okay, so think of there as being multiple choice. A, B and C. You see a woman and first thing you can look at is A, what do I notice about her? What is something specific I can compliment her on? Like your example with the woman with the pretty blonde hair. You like her hair? Boom. Hey, excuse me. I just saw you. I love your hair. Your hair looks fantastic tonight. That's a great opener. It's not super flirty, but it starts the conversation. So option A is a specific sincere compliment that's not just about her body. Okay. Option B is a question that makes sense in the environment, such as and actually, the one you did would totally qualify. Hey, is this your first night going to the Thursday event? Not saying it's the most amazing thing ever, but, hey, it's a starter. Starting point.

[Eric]

Yeah.

[Connell Barrett]

So you can ask a question that makes sense in the environment. Ask her what she's drinking, what's in, what's what, she and her friends are celebrating that night. Lots of questions that make Sense. That's option 2, option B, and option C is make an observation, notice something a little bit unusual, and call out that unusual thing, even if it's really subtle. Now, option C won't always present itself, but let's say. I don't know, let's say you observe a woman is. I was at a bar once, and these two women were doing yoga poses in the middle of the bar. A little bit unusual. Not used to seeing that at a bar. So I observed that, and I walked up and I said, oh, hey, I didn't know they were teaching yoga classes here at blah blah blah Club. So I just observed something unusual, and I called it out. So again, recap. Three options. Compliment. A specific compliment. You can offer her a question that makes sense in the environment that you're relatively genuinely curious about. You want to try to make it genuine. And option C would be an observation of something a little bit unusual, and you call out that unusual thing. Does that all make sense so far?

[Eric]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Connell Barrett]

Cool. Let's think of a different woman. Let's think back to a woman you would have liked to approach but didn't. Or maybe you did, but it didn't go very well. Let's. Let's leave the blonde example and use a different example. Can you paint the picture for me of another scenario?

[Eric]

Yeah. There was a woman that same night who I approached. I said, like, you know, like, hey, I like your tattoos. And she was like, oh, thank you. And I said, like, hi, I'm so and so. And she's like, hi, I'm so and so back. And was like, great, great.

[Connell Barrett]

Let me jump in. Awesome example. Here's the correction I would make when you. You went with option A, the compliment, Right. When you give her a compliment, tell her why you like that thing. Why did you like that tattoo? What was it about? The art, the ink, the design? Give her a deeper compliment. It'll be more impactful, and it'll give you more to talk about and explore. So, for example, do you have any tattoos on you? But I'm asking you, Eric, do you have any tattoos?

[Eric]

No, I don't.

[Connell Barrett]

You're Not a tattoo guy. Okay, no worries. Are you ready to do a little role play with me?

[Eric]

Yeah.

[Connell Barrett]

Okay. You're gonna play the part of a beautiful girl named Erica.

[Eric]

Okay, Right, of course.

[Connell Barrett]

Erica. You are Erica, not Eric. And tell me, just between you and me, Eric and Connell, Right now, before we do the role play, what. What's your tattoo? What kind of design is it? We're gonna do a little improv.

[Eric]

It's just like a tattoo of, like, maybe like a. Like a blob. It's like a monster. It's kind of like a ghost, I guess.

[Connell Barrett]

Okay. All right. Okay. In a second, I'm gonna approach you the way I would at a bar with a woman I notice who has that tattoo and play the part of Erica and just make up whatever the truth might be, even though I know you don't know the answer. We'll do a little bit of improv acting. Are you game?

[Eric]

Yeah.

[Connell Barrett]

Cool. Let's do it. Oh, hey, Excuse me, miss. Hello. Hi. Hi. I just saw that really cool, interesting tattoo on your arm, and I had to compliment it. I've never seen a blob like that as a tattoo.

[Eric]

Oh, thank you. It's. I got it at. After I saw this band in concert. Thank you so much.

[Connell Barrett]

It kind of looks like. It looks a little bit like the ghosts in the Pac man video game that Pac man devours. Kind of looked like a Pac man ghost blob. At first, I thought that's what it was.

[Eric]

That's a pretty funny. Pretty funny reference. I didn't really think about that.

[Connell Barrett]

Well, I'm a lot older than you. I remember Pac Man.

[Eric]

Oh, you were there when it came out.

[Connell Barrett]

I actually invented pac man in 1982. Yeah.

[Eric]

Wow.

[Connell Barrett]

Yeah. I'm a Pac. I'm the Pam. The inventor of Pac Man.

[Eric]

I'm honored to meet you.

[Connell Barrett]

You should be. You should be. Do you have any little pellets? I'd really like to eat some pellets. I don't know if you have any on you pellets like Pac Man.

[Eric]

Oh, no, I don't.

[Connell Barrett]

My jokes were a little outdated. I'm a little bit older than you. Oh, by the way, hi. I should have said hello. My name is Connell. What's your name?

[Eric]

I'm Erica.

[Connell Barrett]

Erica. Nice to meet you, Erica. I'm curious. What's. What's the story behind your name? Is Erica a family name? Where does Erica come from?

[Eric]

I haven't really asked, to be honest.

[Connell Barrett]

You don't. You don't know the source of your own name?

[Eric]

I mean, it didn't. I mean, not really. It's a common name. It's not really something that I've asked.

[Connell Barrett]

You do know your name, though, right?

[Eric]

Yeah, of course I do.

[Connell Barrett]

I've never met a woman who didn't know how she was named. I was actually named. This is a true story, by the way. I was named. I'm the youngest of six. I'm the baby, actually. Miracle Baby, my mom called me, so you can call me Miracle for short if you want to. And I was named. My mom and dad were in a bar and they had run out of names that they wanted to name their kids because they already had five. And my dad threw a dart at a map of Ireland and it landed on Connell county or McConnell county or something. And that's how I was named.

[Eric]

Not Mick, just. Just Connell.

[Connell Barrett]

Well, my name is Connell, but the dart landed on, like, Connell county or McConnell county or something like that.

[Eric]

Okay, yeah, no, my dad took off the Mick.

[Connell Barrett]

Exactly. Yeah, my dad took off the Mick and just made me Connell. You have a good sense of humor. I like that. I like that about you. Okay, and we'll stop there. Okay. How did that feel? Tell me any response you had to anything I was doing as me as colonel and you as well.

[Eric]

I like the you ad lib stuff about inventing Pac man and. And I mean, our brains are wired to like stories. So the story about your name is also. This is also something good that I should. Okay, let's keep in mind, you know, good observation.

[Connell Barrett]

I wasn't even thinking about that while I was doing it, but that's a great observation. We like stories, we like specifics. Did you notice how I combined certain questions that I asked you, but I also offered things myself? Like the dart story.

[Eric]

Yeah, yeah.

[Connell Barrett]

I shared about myself and didn't just ask you questions. Did you notice that?

[Eric]

Yeah, I did. Yeah.

[Connell Barrett]

Yeah. There's a give and take. And one of the things I noticed in that very first anecdote you told me about walking up to the woman at Thursday, in the anecdote you shared, you basically asked her four or five straight questions, and you didn't ask or you didn't offer anything, at least not in your retelling of it.

[Eric]

Yeah, no, no, no. That sounds about right. Yeah.

[Connell Barrett]

And part of the way we offer value to women is we don't only ask them questions, but we also offer opinions, jokes, information, or in this case, true story, vulnerable, real story about my parents and how I was named. And that's a way to give value and did, did you notice how I teased you, Erica?

[Eric]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not knowing my name.

[Connell Barrett]

Right, right. I just. Yeah, that came out of the moment. And so that's how I'm bringing, hopefully bringing a fun, light, playful, interact interaction. Did that feel, did it feel if you had to say, oh, that felt more like logical and informational or more light and playful, if those were the.

[Eric]

Two categories, which, I mean, it felt, it felt spontaneous.

[Connell Barrett]

So I mean spontaneous for sure. Did it feel like serious? Did it feel informational? Did it feel light, fun? Okay, great. I was, that's what I was going for. And that's another way we bring value. Women don't go out to the club and the bar to have logical conversations or to be interrogated. They go to have fun. Cyndi Lauper was right. Girls just want to have fun. Boy, I'm really dating myself with Pac man references. And Cindy laughs. Don't fast forward. This is not an ad. It's a free thing that's going to help you flirt with confidence because I'll bet that you struggle with what to say to women and how to flirt. Right? Well, let's fix that. I'm going to give you what I call the Flirty 30. These are 30 flirty questions to ask women on the apps or on dates or when you approach so that you can confidently connect with cool, sexy women. Starting today, it's time to stop running out of things to say and start asking them flirty questions that are going to make them want to date you. So to get your copy of the Flirty 30, it's totally free. Just go to datingtransformation.com Flirty 30 and that's F L I R T Y 30 datingtransformation.com Flirty30. You're about to start confidently flirting with women, going on dates and soon getting a great girlfriend. Go get your flirty 30. Thanks for doing that. That was fun for me. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed being Erica.

[Eric]

Yeah, I've never role played as a girl before.

[Connell Barrett]

Did you get in touch with your feminine side there?

[Eric]

Yeah, yeah, I did.

[Connell Barrett]

So back to the little three step tip I wanted to give you. The framework was I complimented the tattoo and so the first step is compliment plus tell her why you like it. Don't just say, oh, I like your tattoo. I said, oh, I like your tattoo because it makes me think of Pac man or because I like the blob is unusual. I've never seen a blob tattoo. Right. So that will make a compliment land and help you talk about that compliment or talk about the topic. Okay, so step one is you give the compliment and you tell her why, and then you talk about that complex. Think about that first topic, the opener, as a conversation thread, and you let that conversation thread go for as long as it organically will be threaded, which in our case was about how long did we talk about your Pac man tattoo? Maybe 60 seconds or so. 90 seconds?

[Eric]

Yeah. Like 60 seconds?

[Connell Barrett]

Yeah, about a minute. That's about right. So step one is compliment and let that conversation thread go for about as far as long as it goes, which might be a minute or so. 30, 60 seconds, maybe. There's only. Only so much we can talk about tattoos. Maybe. Probably a limit on that.

[Eric]

Yeah, for sure.

[Connell Barrett]

And so the conversation runs out. Do you remember? Here's a pop quiz. Eric, do you remember what I said to you as Erica? What I. After we stopped talking about the tattoo, do you remember what I next said to you? It's really important.

[Eric]

Eric. Then it was Pac man, and it was the 80s. Then it was. I forget how we jumped from the 80s to your name.

[Connell Barrett]

Oh, well, there you go. Basically, I. After the. After the tattoo conversation thread ended, then I said to you, oh, by the way, my name is Connell. What's your name? So step two is after that conversation thread of that opening compliment or the opening topic runs out, then you simply say, introduce yourself. Oh, hey, I'm Eric. What's your name? And she'll say her name. The reason we do this is for two reasons. One is you've run out of conversation thread for the tattoo. You got to talk about something, right? What better thing than her name and your name? Everyone's favorite word in the English language is their name, their first name. Pretty pretty much. I mean, if somebody says your name and you go, what? What? Who? Me? I'm Eric. What? Yeah, it has resonance, right? So but even if it's not literally her favorite word, it's still two people. So once you go from a stranger who's approached her to two people who are now getting to know each other, once you exchange names. So it makes it more personal.

[Eric]

Okay.

[Connell Barrett]

It helps you get rapport. Personal rapport. And because people are generally interested in themselves, what I've found is that when I get a girl's name, I'm like, oh, interesting name. If it's. If it's an interesting name, which Erica's not that interesting, but I still asked her about it. People tend to love talking about themselves, and talking about their name often is a really good thing to talk About. And then you can jump from her name and your name, if it's relevant to talk about that. And then you can just jump to a second topic. Any, literally any topic. In our case, we just jumped from each other's name to, I guess, Pac man, right? Or video games. And 80s.

[Eric]

I think that was. I think it went from the 80s too, to the names. Actually.

[Connell Barrett]

That's okay. It can be kind of messy. It can be sort of raw and random. That's fine. Women like raw, random conversations because that's not logical. They want to play. They want something emotionally evocative. So anyway, here's a good kind of, hopefully a simple recap breakdown. If you're not sure how to keep conversation going, just think open with a compliment or a question or an observation. Think of that as a conversation thread. Talk about it for as long as you can, within reason. And then when that conversation ends or that thread ends, then you say, hey, by the way, I'm Eric. What's your name? You'll get her name. And you can either talk about each other's names if you want to, or even if you just introduce each other, get names. Now you're two people who know each other. So getting her name and giving her your name, it buys you more time. I guess that's what I'm trying to say. It buys you more time because now you know each other, or at least you're getting to know each other. And she's going to be much more likely to keep talking to you because now she knows your name and you know hers. And then you switch from the name topic to a second topic. It could be anything, something that makes sense in the environment or something you observe about her. And you can totally. Don't be afraid to ask questions. It's okay to ask questions. I asked you some questions. Right, as when you were playing Erica. But then I also shared thoughts about me, a story. The story about how I was named. And I teased you a little bit, too. And teasing is flirting. Teasing is flirting. So I teased you a little bit. That's me. That's me beginning to flirt with Erica.

[Eric]

Right? I noticed. Yeah.

[Connell Barrett]

Yeah. I could have said something like, because one of your things you wanted to talk about today was how do I flirt in a respectful way. Right. Charming, gentlemanly way. I could have kept going and I could have said, oh, no, you don't know your name. Oh, man, how could he be so cute yet so forgetful about your own name? Or so, you know, not well versed in your own name. I Could have said you were cute. But something that's a way to flirt. A little tease combined with a compliment.

[Eric]

I see.

[Connell Barrett]

Yeah. On my. I texted her this, but it's still the same concept. When I first matched with my now girlfriend Jess, I text her and she told me how much she liked this. There's even the. There's an episode of the Pod where I interview her or we talk about each other and she said how much she liked it. Early on, I said to her, you're either the weirdest girl I've met in a long time or the coolest. I'm just not sure which. So that's called a push pull. When you tease her a little bit with a little push, but you also compliment her, tell her something you like about her that creates a. What's the right word? Not paradox, but dichotomy. Two things that don't normally go together can be enticing and create an emotional spike in a woman. So, anyway, I'm not saying you have to do a push pull, but you could compliment her and. Or tease her or do both, which is called a push pull. So that's a way to flirt. Another way to flirt is just a straight up. Oh, here's my favorite. Can I give you my single, favorite, simplest, easiest way to flirt in a very gentlemanly way that women love?

[Eric]

Spill it. Yeah.

[Connell Barrett]

Oh, I'm sorry, we're out of time. No. Okay, It's. This is. You talk. You're talking to her for a few minutes, right? Once you get into the conversation a little bit and you notice something about her personality, the inner her that you like, and you tell her that that internal thing is special or sexy. If you want to be a little bit bold, you can use the S word. You can say sexy, or you can just say really special or really attractive or charming is a great word. You're very charming. Something. Finding XYZ about her is very charming. Now, I didn't get to talk to Erica here as long as I would have liked because we were doing a little role play. But let's say I found out that Erica is a grad student and she's getting her PhD in biology, and she's a total nerd and really smart, like an egghead and into higher learning, I might have said, no way. You're getting your PhD. You're going to be a doctor or a scientist. That is so attractive. Damn smart, intelligent women, doctors. That is so sexy. I'm really drawn to a woman's intelligence. Pretty flirtatious, right?

[Eric]

Yeah.

[Connell Barrett]

Because it's not just about her body. I'm not objectifying her. I'm letting her know there's something about her I find sexy and attractive.

[Eric]

Yeah, of course. It's the inner quality.

[Connell Barrett]

Yeah. Pointing out that inner beauty. What else you got for me, bro?

[Eric]

I guess we can talk about, like, like dating apps.

[Connell Barrett]

Let's do it. What's not working or what problems are you running into? How can I help you?

[Eric]

I guess I don't know. What jc, that's not working with dating apps. I guess just the same thing that lots of guys complain about is just like, why am I not getting matches? That type of thing. Well, no, I mean, actually, no. Let me start with something else. In your experience. I just like, I get too in my head when I'm texting someone and like, you know, it ties back to being like, thinking about my fears too often. But it's like, I think too much about the social faux pas of like double texting or maybe, or maybe texting too long or maybe especially trying to find the right words to say, I just wonder, in your experience if I'm putting too much weight on that.

[Connell Barrett]

Yeah, definitely. I mean, without looking at any of your text messages yet to give you a little diagnosis, you. It sounds like you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself to make your text messages certain level of quality, right?

[Eric]

Yeah.

[Connell Barrett]

Like what? Trying to be funny? Trying to be. Whatever you tell me. What are you trying to do with your text?

[Eric]

I try to be funny. I try to. Or I guess another faux pas that I see online would be like, you know, don't text her back immediately. You know, make it seem like you're busy.

[Connell Barrett]

But like, ignore that. Yeah, you know, ignore that. Don't worry about double texting. Don't worry about waiting to respond. As long as you're doing something that we've already talked about, it's the V word value. You don't have to worry about any of that stuff. As long as your text messages are mostly giving her value, they're mostly seeking to make her smile. They're reasonably interesting, but also still authentic, still genuine. So there's a balance here, right? You might be thinking, well, how can I offer value without being really funny, really witty, really amazing? Well, you don't have to be super witty, super amazing, super funny. You just want to think to yourself, what does she care about? What does she care about? What would make her smile? Or what's relatively interesting about my life that she might find interest in? And as long as you are bringing some value to the table by text. Then you don't have to worry about double texting. Because if I sent you two really good messages in a row or three in a row that made you smile or laugh, Eric, would you think, oh, man, Connell is so needy. He just sent me three straight messages. I mean, they were great. I'm enjoying them. But man, what a needy little bitch. Would you think that way about me?

[Eric]

Yeah, well, when you put it like that, I mean, I can see how it doesn't really matter all that much.

[Connell Barrett]

Right. So this could be a whole separate. This will be a whole separate coaching session if you want to dive into this on a separate night. But I assume you're talking about texting that occurs from online dating after you match with a woman.

[Eric]

Yeah.

[Connell Barrett]

Cool. So it starts with the foundation of a really good profile that has four or five photos that show you leading a cool, fun, authentic, but high value life. Basically, you're the kind of guy she wants to date. Good photos, some good personality. We get her really excited about you and getting excited about dating you. Based in large part on a great profile, which I haven't looked at yours yet, so I don't know how good it is or isn't, but yeah. Pardon?

[Eric]

Go ahead. Go ahead.

[Connell Barrett]

No, chances are there's definitely some room to improve it.

[Eric]

I agree. Yeah. Before I. I think between setting this up and actually talking to you, I think I like looked over my profile. I think I just don't have enough photos of me doing like, just like creating that value. I guess I don't have like photos of me that are like, know, traveling or participating in my hobbies and things like that. I get kind of self conscious about smiling and photos. So it's kind of a difficult thing for me. I'm just trying to build it up slowly.

[Connell Barrett]

Every photo on your profile should have a purpose. It should. Even though your photos are all about you, they're for her. Every photo is designed to help her feel something that we want her to feel, to bring something of worth to her. Such as, like, what is your. I mean, I can't look at it right now because we're on the phone, but what is the. Your first photo? Could you describe it to me?

[Eric]

It's just. It's a photo of myself in the snow. I went. I went to the Midwest last month. I just. It's just a photo of myself smiling. There's like snow. It's like actively snowing, you know, there's like. I guess it's just the idea that like. Well, whoever Sees, this is in California. So I guess it's just the idea that I like traveling.

[Connell Barrett]

Okay. That could be a good photo.

[Eric]

Really.

[Connell Barrett]

It's really all in the execution and the quality of the photo. Having not seen it. Do you have any portraits that you took specifically for your profile taken by a good photographer or somebody who knows how to take a good photo?

[Eric]

Yeah. Yeah, a couple.

[Connell Barrett]

Okay, great. Have you tested them on photofeeler.com?

[Eric]

What'S it called?

[Connell Barrett]

Photofeeler.com it's a great website. Yep. Photofeeler.com okay. It's a great place to test how good your portraits are. And you put a photo up on Photo Feeler, pay a couple bucks, buy some credit. It's not that expensive. Cost a couple bucks, I think to test a photo. And by test I mean do a little focus group of women and they rate your photo on a scale. For online dating, it's. They rate, they rate it on a scale of attractiveness, trustworthiness and intelligence. And then some really good feedback to find out how attractive your portraits are. Obviously, the higher the score, the better. And if you want to throw some. Putting a few photos on Photo Feeler can give you some interesting feedback because women can not only give you the rating on 1 to 10 for these three categories, but they also have little comments. So I would throw your portraits on Photo Feeler to see what your best scoring photos are. And whatever your best scoring couple of portraits are, chances are those photos are going to be the ones that will do the best for you on a dating app. Or at least it's a strong indicator. Yeah. My highest ranking Photo Feeler photos are the ones that get me the most matches on my profile.

[Eric]

I see. I didn't.

[Connell Barrett]

And I've tested some photos on Photo Feeler and they didn't do that well. And I was like, oh, that's good to know. I don't want to put that on my hinge because I don't want it to tank.

[Eric]

Yeah.

[Connell Barrett]

So definitely check out, do a couple of Photo Feeler tests. It's really helpful. And this is not sponsored by Photo Feeler. I just think it's a great website.

[Eric]

Okay, I'll look into it.

[Connell Barrett]

Oh, but back to the larger point that was hoping to take some of the pressure off of your texting. Here's my vision for you. For online dating, we get a kick ass profile of you. Four or five great photos that score well that women want to swipe on. And some nice prompts. The personality is coming out the Best, coolest, smartest, funniest. Eric is just jumping off the page that gets women who match with you excited about you more, quote unquote, invested. And then guess what? Your texting doesn't have to be nearly as good as you think, because she's just excited about you, the person, the man, the 27 year old dude, 26 year old dude. And then your texting is like, it just needs to be good enough and light and authentic. And then you ask her out, give her some value, and crack the occasional joke. But lower the bar for how good you think your texting has to be.

[Eric]

Okay.

[Connell Barrett]

More important to have a good profile. Think of it this way. Who's. Who's the celebrity woman who, you know, your dream girl? You would date her in a second if she was, you know, single, available. Who's like your dream girl?

[Eric]

Probably Jennifer Lawrence.

[Connell Barrett]

Ooh, excellent taste. So if you match with Jennifer Lawrence on a dating app, it was. It was actually her. How good would her texting have to be for you to go on a date with her?

[Eric]

It probably wouldn't matter, right?

[Connell Barrett]

If she said, hi, how's your day? If she double texted you, would you ghost Jennifer Lawrence?

[Eric]

No.

[Connell Barrett]

She could quint. Jennifer Lawrence could quintuple text me. She could sex topple text me. As long as Jennifer Lawrence didn't send me like Nazi paraphernalia and write something psychotic. If I was single, hell yeah, I would meet up with Jennifer Lawrence. Her texting wouldn't have to be that good. Now you're not. You and I are not the male Jennifer Lawrence. But you know what? I really do think of myself as a regular guy 10. I want you to see yourself as a regular guy 10. Who can have a 9. 10 out of 10 profile. We get women really excited about you. Just like you'd be excited about J. Law. And you don't have to text nearly as well as you think. You just need to be yourself. Keep it relatively light. Occasionally one or two funny texts now and then, and then ask her out and she'll be like, yeah, let's. Let's do it. Just the way you and I would go out with J. Law in no time.

[Eric]

Okay.

[Connell Barrett]

Geez, now I want to date Jennifer Lawrence. Damn it. Jennifer, are you out there? I have a girlfriend, Jennifer. But yeah, but you never know. Who knows?

[Eric]

Of course.

[Connell Barrett]

Okay, we're almost out of time. I have about two minutes left. Let's finish strong. What's the final topic? Or a question I can help you with? Or a problem? You want some help? With. Oh, man.

[Eric]

Those are the three.

[Connell Barrett]

Okay, let's do a bonus one. Anything.

[Eric]

I'm on the spot here, honestly. Do you other pieces of advice that you haven't touched upon that you would use that you would give to someone like me?

[Connell Barrett]

Hold on, let me look at your. Because we talked about flirting in a respectful way. We talked about your photos. We talked about keeping the conversation, I guess. Go ahead.

[Eric]

There was one little nitpick about talking to someone in a bar. Like, because when you're on a dating app, of course you choose the ages of the people you want to meet. Is it like. Is it, like, fine to, like, ask how old the other person is? Because it's like.

[Connell Barrett]

Yeah, you can ask anybody anything you want as long as it's not vulgar or super weirdly personal. But, yeah, asking. Asking somebody's age, why not?

[Eric]

Yeah.

[Connell Barrett]

Are you thinking about through the lens of making sure that she's the right age for somebody you would want to date?

[Eric]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Connell Barrett]

Here's what I would do with that. I like to bring it all back to, you know, my thing, man. I'm all about authenticity. But right after that, a close second is playfulness. I like to keep things playful and fun because that's what women want. It's also what I like. So I like to find ways to play keep it light and fun. So you could do it. You could ask a woman's age, or you could bring up the age topic by saying, okay, I'm going to guess how old you are. You can say that to her. Ready? I'm going to guess. And then you guess. You could guess an absurd number. You could guess, like, say you're 40, even though she's clearly 20. In her 20s, maybe. Or you could. I'm not sure. Are you even 18? Am I legally allowed to talk to you? So you could turn it into a fun little guessing game. And then as when the playful back banter is done, you could say, no. All jokes Aside, though, I'm 26. How old are you?

[Eric]

Okay.

[Connell Barrett]

Yeah, totally fine. So, nothing. There's nothing wrong with skipping the game and just asking a woman her age. But as you've probably noticed, I just come back over and over to this concept that works, which is keep it light, keep it fun, and don't live in the logic information world. Okay, Makes sense.

[Eric]

I see what you're saying. Yeah, yeah.

[Connell Barrett]

And this is. I. I'll give you a bonus. Bonus tip. You've probably heard about interview mode, right? Interview mode is bad. Don't fall into interview mode. I am totally cool with interview mode. As long as the questions you're asking her are light and fun questions that she enjoys as opposed to informational questions. Where are you from? What do you do? Is this your first night doing Thursday? Who are you here with? How old are you? How many siblings do you have? All those questions are logical and informational.

[Eric]

Yeah.

[Connell Barrett]

And some of that's fine to a point. But don't be afraid of interview mode. Interview mode? Be afraid of living in logical, boring, informational zone. Interview mode is fine. Information mode is bad. So you can ask silly, fun questions you can ask. Would you rather questions you can ask? There's a lot of these in my book, like, first date questions. Who would play you in the movie of your life? If we could go anywhere together right now and just be transported there together. Jenny, where would we go? What? I was at Barnes and Noble with a client. We talked to this really attractive woman who was book shopping and he asked her a great, great question. He said, if you wrote a book, what would the title be? What would it be about? She loved that question. So don't be afraid of interview mode. Be afraid of cliched, informational, boring, same old questions.

[Eric]

Okay.

[Connell Barrett]

Yeah. So fun.

[Eric]

Yeah, I am afraid. I hate. I hate just knowing that, like, I. That that's my go to. Like, oh, what do you do for work? I really want to break out of that.

[Connell Barrett]

Well, here's a good little tip. Every time you ask an informational, logical question, like, what do you do for work? Follow up with an emotional question.

[Eric]

Okay.

[Connell Barrett]

What do you do for work? Here, let me. Let me do. Let me do it with you right now. Like legit. Okay.

[Eric]

Okay.

[Connell Barrett]

I know. I mean, I know you're a student, but you can. You can play the part of an answer or you can give me the truth. What do you do for work, Eric?

[Eric]

I'm a biologist.

[Connell Barrett]

Really? You're a biologist?

[Eric]

Yeah.

[Connell Barrett]

What do you love most about being a biologist?

[Eric]

I just like thinking about, you know, just. Just the intricacies of, like, how bodies are made up. Not just human bodies, but like, you know, just like just how complex organisms are. It's really interesting to me.

[Connell Barrett]

There you go. Which question felt more interesting? Me asking you what you did. Right. Because I asked you an emotional question. One of my favorite questions to ask a woman is. And I don't just ask it, but I really explore it with her. Or at least if she's. If it seems to resonate with her is I say, what do you love to do for fun? I don't mean, what'd you do today? I mean, what do you. What lights you up more than anything? I mean, besides talking to tall, handsome gingers like me? Flirty comment, right? And I want her to think, oh, I want to. I want to know what she loves to do for fun. Because A, that's an emotional topic that she cares about, so she will be engaged. B, by her telling me what she loves to do for fun, I'm learning about her and I can hopefully relate emotionally to her. If she says, I love cooking. I love cooking so much because I'm Italian and I love Italian food. And it reminds me of being with my grandma. My Nona taught me how to cook when I was a little girl. Oh, my God. She's opening up to me about why she loves cooking. And then I'll say, no way. I feel the same way about Italian food. I went to Italy a couple 10 years ago and had this experience. And now I'll tell her maybe a fun travel story about my trip to Italy. So these are. These are perfectly great questions to ask. Don't be afraid of questions. Be afraid of logical, cliched questions she's heard 800 times.

[Eric]

Yeah, of course.

[Connell Barrett]

Ask her, what do you love about what you do or why do you do what you do? Find out what makes her tick. Find out what makes her fascinating. If you do that, you can interview a woman all night long and she'll love it. I had a first date once with a woman who became she. We dated for a while and then she became a really good friend of mine. She still is. Her name is Becky Rebecca. And on our first date, I really wasn't in the mood to, like, do a whole lot of talking. I was kind of tired and run down, so I just fell down. I just. I just went into interview mode. But my version of interview mode is finding out what makes her fascinating. Finding out what makes her tick. So I just kind of interviewed her about her career. I was being lazy. I thought I was probably screwing up the date because I was breaking the rules of interview mode anyway, but I was asking her good questions. Date ends, we say goodnight, little goodnight kiss, everything's good. I barely talked about myself the whole night. I just asked her good questions. She texts me. Before I get home, she texts me, you're the most interesting person I've met in so long. But I didn't tell her anything about me. Basically, she found me interesting because I found her interesting. There's an old expression, if you want to be interesting, be interested. It's an old cliche, old saying. So basically, by the way, I'm not saying only ask questions, but don't be afraid of them. Be afraid of those logical, boring questions. Becky was basically saying you found me fascinating. So I'm really interested in you, Connell. So, yeah, find out what makes a woman fascinating is a great little mantra either on a date or an approach where you're in a deeper conversation.

[Eric]

Okay.

[Connell Barrett]

Great stuff, Eric. I think that's our time for tonight. But, hey, did this help you put some good stuff here?

[Eric]

Of course, yeah. Thank you so much.

[Connell Barrett]

Awesome, bro. I'll let you go. All right. I thought that was a really fun one. And almost a half hour and almost a 90 minute session I did with Eric. We, we really went to some cool places there. I hope you got, if you, if you're still with us at this point of the pod, I hope you got a lot of great feedback and advice. I would say here's your mission. Here's your mission should you choose to accept it. Because I want this podcast to be not just a podcast of information, but I want this to be a dating coach podcast that's helping you execute. Information is overrated when it comes to women and dating execution is underrated. You've got to go out there and take action in real life. Don't just listen to a podcast, go apply some things. Here's your mission. I would like you to apply at least one or two of these missions. I would love for you to test drive that flirting move I talked about called the push pull. It's an old school flirting move and it's fun. I talked about it about at the 1 hour and 3 minute mark, try a little push pull action either in real life or on the dating apps. Works really well. My girlfriend really liked it when we first connected. And the other mission I have for you would be to. You know how I talked about the three multiple choice options for how to approach a woman. A compliment, a question, an observation, go out this weekend, go to a bar, go to a club, and instead of planning what you're going to say or asking yourself what's the perfect thing to say to women, just remember that there is no perfect thing. The best thing to say is something that you commit to that you really lean into with authenticity and commitment and just choose which of those three works best for you. Notice something that you want to compliment and compliment her, or notice a question, or I should say ask a question. That makes sense. Ask it. Or maybe you observe something a little bit different, unusual about her or something in this situation, use that observation opener. So give that a try. Go out there and remember your dream girlfriend. She's out there and she is going to love you. She just has to meet the real, authentic you. So go out there, take action. Carpe datum. Seize the date till next time.