← How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett
How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett
Textual Healing! Connell’s 4-Part Texting Formula to Stop Getting Ghosted and Start Getting Dates
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Do you get ghosted on the apps and don’t know why? Do you freeze up on dates because you’re not sure what to talk about? Would you love to meet women at the gym, but you’re worried you’ll seem creepy? In this episode of “How to Get a Girlfriend,”...
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Connell Barrett
So I think I might have found your texting problem, which is that you are coming in hotter than a golden retriever who got into the Red Bull. Welcome back to the how to Get a Girlfriend podcast. I am your host, dating coach Connell Barrett. I am here to help you flirt with women. Always know what to say, get more dates and get a great girlfriend. And do this all by being authentic. No canned, weird, creepy pickup artist moves. No sketchy nonsense. It's about dating women with what I call radical authenticity. Because, yes, your future girlfriend is going to love you for you. And I have a question for you. Do you struggle with how to text women? Do women ghost you? Are you not sure how to message them? How to talk to them on dates? Do you really just struggle with what to say? Today's episode is all about how to talk to women, both online and on dates. Today's episode is an edition of what I call Ask the Dating Coach. I've got five really great questions from five listeners such as yourself asking me questions about how the heck do you talk to women and. And let's get to it because I can't wait to help you write good openers and help you have great first dates and always know how to text women, how to ask them out. And also I have a really interesting question from a guy who said, hey, should I use ChatGPT in messaging women? What are the do's and don'ts of how to message women using ChatGPT? And you're using AI. So I can't wait to get to it. Before I do, I want to mention that I am a dating coach. So what I do is I work with men one on one in a very personalized way, and I help them sort of awaken their confidence from inside and learn how to flirt. Most men don't know how to flirt, don't know how to talk to women, just don't know what to say and don't know how to confidently connect with women in a real way, in an authentic way that's about integrity and respecting women, but also creating amazing sparks and. And just getting lots of great dates. Because the best way to choose a girlfriend, like I was able to choose mine, just as she chose me, is to have some wonderful dating options. But there's this one woman who you're so excited about. You choose her as your partner just as she would choose you. And that's how you get an incredible girlfriend to share your life with. So anyway, if you are looking for help with your love life and flirting and texting and you're just not sure what the heck to do. If you're lonely, if you are just struggling or maybe you just have never really dated and you need some help, go to datingtransformation.com you can book a free consultation to chat with me and there's no charge. It's just a consultation to see if we might be a good fit to work together. Not everybody needs or wants a dating coach. I needed one badly back in the day. My best couple of coaches changed my life. So much for the better. So Anyway, go to datingtransformation.com and go to book a call if you are interested in learning how this whole dating coaching thing works and if you might be looking for a coach. Okay, let's get to the episode. Let's do Ask the Dating Coach. I've got five great questions from five great guys. Here we go. Number one, this comes from a writer named Leonard. Hey, Leonard. Leonard writes, I'm a 33 year old high school math teacher. I want marriage and a family, but on the apps I'm really struggling. I'm very respectful and positive. Exclamation point. I ask women about their day and a lot of women give me their numbers, but once we start talking, they disappear. Exclamation point. I don't send dick pics or anything. I'm just trying to be a good guy, but I get ghosted all the time. Exclamation point. Am I doing something wrong? Exclamation point, question mark. Thank you for your question, Leonard. Well, Leonard the math teacher. Speaking of math, I count five exclamation points in your question. So I think I might have found your texting problem, which is that you are coming in hotter than a golden retriever who got into the Red Bull. I mean, imagine if my answer to you started this way. Leonard, great question. How are you? Here's my answer. You probably, probably leave. You probably stop listening because I'd be too excited to answer you. And I think you're trying. I think you can hopefully see my point. Right? You're doing this as you text women. Very likely. Now, I haven't seen any of your text messages, but you're very likely coming off as really, really effusive and over the top excited to talk to a woman. And by the way, I know how frustrating it feels to think that you're doing everything right and you still get ghosted. I have been there, man. Back when I was learning how to text women, I saw more ghosts than Jack Nicholson in the Shining. But here's the equation that you're missing, Mr. Math Teacher. The equation is too much enthusiasm divided by zero playfulness equals instant ghosting. So basically, you're coming off to women, at least based on the way you wrote this question. And I see this in so many of my clients. You're coming off like a guy who needs a date, not the way you want to come off, which is, as a confident man, just having a light, fun interaction. So if you come off as needing a date, if every other sentence is an exclamation point, that's not flirting. It's like emotional spam. Last chance to meet me. Offer ends now. Act right away. And that's going to push women away and take it from me. So I'm a dating coach. I've. I've been a dating coach for 14 years, and I've been actively working on my dating Life for exactly 20 years. I started actively, intentionally working on my Love Life in 2005. And I can tell you that men who have men who work in very highly logical careers like yours, so math, engineering, computer science, men who work in areas like this tend to struggle with messaging women, because logic, information, facts, and figures. That's not what flirting is about. Flirting is about emotion and good feels. And it's about a magic word, which I'm going to say in, like, 30 seconds. But, Leonard, you're a math teacher, right? Well, you can solve for X all day long, but solving for flirty banter, that's harder to do, right? That's harder than advanced calculus, at least for you, because logic and facts come easily to guys like you. But the thing is, logic is the opposite of flirting. And good, flirty texting requires a different kind of math. And so not knowing what to write, this is very common. And if you don't know what to write, a lot of men overcorrect this by being extra upbeat. But the thing about coming off as super upbeat is it reads to women as overeager, maybe even a little bit desperate, or other guys overcompensate for not knowing how to text women by using cliched questions. You know, how's your day? How are you? How have you been? And those questions women hear so often on the dating apps that they just find it fatiguing. So here's the good news, though. The good news is that you can get better at messaging women. And here's what I want to offer you right now, Leonard, and dear listener, is I want to give you my four part texting philosophy. And it's super simple. Here's what texting women. Here's the secret to it. Here's the four parts. Play, play, play, pull the trigger. Those are the four parts. I'll say it again. Play, play, play, and then pull the trigger. What does that mean? That means that most of your messages, most of your texts to women should be playful. They should give a playful compliment or tell a playful joke or make a playful observation. And then you do this for a while, you do this for most of your messages, and then you'll start getting playful messages right back. That's what you want, right? And after some banter, then you pull the trigger and ask her out. So again, the first three parts of this is just play. And then the fourth part is after you've bantered back and forth, you pull the trigger, you ask her out, you go for the date. Now, why does this work? Well, because texting is a lot like flirting, basically is flirting. And flirting is, at its core, playing. That's what flirting is. The dictionary. Harper's or not Harper's. Webster's. Webster's defines flirting as playing at love and in the courtship phase of dating. That's what most of your text should be. Playful. Playful. And so what you don't want to write? Here's what. Here's what not to do. Don't write. Let's say you're looking at her profile and she loves playing the piano. She's at a piano. Don't write, oh, I see that you play piano. Cool. How long have you been doing it? When did you start? That's a logical informational question. Do write something like, oh, I see you play the piano. Cool. Okay. What song would you play to wow the judges on America's Got Talent? That's a fun what if question. Notice the difference. The first text asks an informational question, while the second message has emotion, has a fun what if sense of play. So because playfulness, what it does is it signals ease and it signals confidence, and it signals zero desperation. And it's enjoyable. It's just more enjoyable for a woman to have a nice playful banter versus answering logical informational questions, or in your case, Leonard being sort of pelted with over the top positive messages where you're almost like, eagerly yelling at her. That's not fun for women. And it comes off as overeager, maybe even borderline a little bit desperate. And that's why women are ghosting you. That's why they're going quiet. So they're matching with you because clearly you're an attractive dateable. Dude based on the number of matches and leads you're getting online. But you're turning women off by. By being fake positive instead of authentically playful. And playfulness shows that you don't take yourself too seriously. And it also tells women, hey, meeting this guy might be fun. And this is really important. This is why play, play, play, pull the trigger is the framework you want to apply. Because here's what keeps so many women from meeting up with a guy like you after matching. Basically, women hate, hate, hate boring dates. They don't want boring, they don't want awkward. And a nice, light, playful vibe tells her, okay, he may or may not be Mr. Right, but he won't be Mr. Boring. So let's go have some fun. Let's meet up. Let's have a date. And that's what gets you dates. So when it comes to applying this philosophy, you might ask yourself, here's a good question to ask yourself. You think, okay, you grab your phone and you're thinking, what the heck? Should I message her? Ask yourself, how can I make this message fun? How can I make this fun? You want to filter it through the lens of fun and playful. So, for example, here are some ways to do it. You could share a playful compliment based on a detail from her profile. Something like, oh, you run marathons. That's so impressive. Should I start training now or can I just drive alongside you with snacks and encouragement? Okay, you could make a playful observation and banter with her about it. Let's say Leonard, let's say she's a fellow teacher. You might say, oh, so you're a teacher plus a horror movie fan. Okay, let me ask you, do you read Stephen King novels to your students to terrify them? Laughing emoji. You could do one of my favorite things, which is give a playful quiz. I love to give pop quizzes to women. I discovered how fun and playful and how women love that. And so you could write something like, let's say she mentions that she's. Her favorite food is pizza. You can say, okay, pop quiz. Pizza lover. Thin crust or deep dish? And careful, there's only one right answer. Winky emoji, pizza emoji. Notice how playful and light this is. Very playful, very light. And that's the vibe women like in the urban early texting phase of dating and courtship. Couple more guidelines for you. You want to aim to exchange a total of, I don't know, five to ten light, playful texts with her and then ask her out. So 5 to 10 is a good general sweet Spot to go for. And, Leonard, think of it this way. As a math teacher, you know you wouldn't teach your students algebra by showing them the answer right up front. Right? You can try to make it engaging and even fun. And the same principles apply here. You want to try to make the process of texting a woman fun. Don't just focus on what you want, which is taking and asking. You want to give, and you want to then ask for what you want. So the way I like to do that is, again, play, play, play, and then pull the trigger. And then when it's time to pull the trigger and ask her out, keep. You can still keep things playful. I actually wrote a text here for you, Leonard. A hypothetical one. Let's say you've been messaging with a woman back and forth for five, six, seven messages, keeping it light and playful. She knows you're a math teacher. Here's a way to ask her out in a playful way. You might write her quote. Here's a quick math problem. Handsome teacher plus stylish, charming woman plus her phone number equals Friday night tapas. And then you immediately follow that with, can you help me balance this equation? So you're using. You're playing with this idea of you having this equation for romance. And then her phone number completes the equation. Now, this is a little bit higher concept than just, can I get your number? But you have the intelligence. You're a math teacher. You're a brilliant guy in a lot of ways, I assume. I'm sure. And you can use your intelligence. You just want to switch it from using your intelligence in math to accessing a more light, playful part of your mind, because that's where women want to be and flirt with you. Here's an analogy I like, or a metaphor. I'm a big movie nerd, so I like to think of texting as a movie trailer. And the date is the feature film. The first date is the feature film. And if the coming attractions of your movie are flat, she's not going to want to see the movie. And that's what's going to get you ghosted. That's what's happening here. Your trailer is not very enticing, but when your texts are light and fun, she's going to want a front row seat. Now, if you are thinking, if you, the listener, are thinking, oh, man. But I'm not naturally playful. I don't know how to play. I don't know how to be fun and playful. I beg to differ. I'm going to push back a little bit. On this, you were a kid once. You played games, you teased, you did staring contests, you did thumb wrestling, you played hide and seek. You were just light and silly and loose. That inner child is still in there. He really is. So you want to tap into that. So remember, four part texting philosophy. That's what I teach. Play, play, play. Pull the trigger. So keep most of those text messages light and fun, and then you just ask her out. And, of course, just make sure you're doing this, of course, by being authentic, by being yourself, because that's going to be your most attractive self. That's who the right woman's going to fall for. She's going to fall for a light, loose, fun, playful version of your authentic self. Or at least that'll get you the date. You don't need to be playful every second, every minute you're with a woman. I'm just talking about the vibe that gets you the dates. Okay, so, Leonard, you're a math teacher. I will end with a formula. Okay, here's the formula that will solve your ghosting problem. The authentic you plus playful texting equals lots of great dates. So, yeah, you're about to become. You mentioned in the question, I'm a good guy, right? And I know you are. You are a good guy. But I want you to become more than a good guy. I want you to become magnetic to women. Or at least magnetic to women who like your type. And to become magnetic. The simplest way is you become authentic and playful while texting, and that's very magnetic to so many women. Okay, next question. This comes from Vikram, 28 years old in Austin, Texas. Vikram asks, hey, Connell, I've been striking out on the apps because I never know what to say to women. All right, we have a theme here. Today, I get nervous, I overthink everything, and my messages either sound boring or try hard. A friend told me to start using Chat GPT to help me write openers and text. I admit it's really easy to get. Sorry. It's easy to send messages with chat's help, but I'm still struggling to get women out on dates. Is using Chat GPT a good idea or is it cheating? Well, it's certainly not cheating, Vikram, but I. First of all, I just want to say I get it. You know, texting women, when you just aren't sure how to do it, when you aren't sure what to say, when you don't know how to be playful, per the last question and answer. It's tricky, right? It's like you're trying to solve a Rubik's Rubik's Cube while it's on fire. It's hard. It's hard to do. So I want to give you props for trying to get better at this. Now here's my take on using AI. Should you use AI Chat GPT to help you with dating app messages? Yes, to a point, as long as it's still you doing the flirting. You don't want to have chat or any AI program, but I'll just refer to chat for this answer. You don't Want to have ChatGPT Ghost writing your message from whole cloth. Okay? You don't want to. To have it right for you because chat doesn't know who. Who you are. It doesn't know how to channel you, and it won't sound like you. And. And then if you do get the date because you're using ChatGPT and you show up on that date, what are you going to do? You're going to send a robot to have the first date as well? Or a stunt double? Or are you going to hire an actor to do an impression of you? So I don't like the idea of having ChatGPT write your is for you. Here's a cautionary tale. I have a client. I. I'll call my client Nicholas. My client Nicholas, he's a software engineer. He does struggle. He came to me because he struggles with flirting and what to say to women. He's got a very logical, analytical mind that's great in software coding. Not so great when it comes to writing messages on the apps. And Nicholas showed me some screenshots of a woman he had a date with. And I'm reading his messages to her, and I'm reading his messages, and it just doesn't sound like him. And one of his messages said, hey, Andrea, you have such an incredible, soulful, gorgeous spirit. It's like the sun rises in your eyes or something like that. And it just. It didn't sound human. And I said, did you write this? He said, no, that was chatgpt. And so many of his messages, they. They just sounded off. And the thing is, he actually got the date with this woman using mostly ChatGPT messages. And that is a good thing, right? A date in person is always a good thing. I think you can learn something from it, even if there's not a connection. But. But she wasn't interested. She just didn't feel a spark with him. And my best theory is, my best guess is because the man she met was not Nicholas. She met chatgpt. And she was expecting him to sound like chatgpt, but then a different guy showed up in a sense, and she just ended up ghosting him and saying, hey, I didn't feel a connection. And that's the problem with using Chat. Even if you can use it well enough to get you the date, Chat can't go on the date for you. Right? So you just don't want to have a chatbot writing your messages for you. Okay, here's my advice. But I do think there's a way to use it in a way that, that's. That is practical and using it in the right measure. Here's my advice. Don't have AI write your messages for you, but you can have Chat help you say what you already want to say to women, but just say it better. So, for example, let's say you're messaging with a woman and you're thinking, okay, she looks fun. I like that hiking photo, but I'm not sure how to talk about it. Then you could ask ChatGPT to punch it up for you. You could say, hey, Chat, there's a picture of this woman on a dating app. She looks fun. I like hiking. She likes hiking. Can you help me write a good question in my. In my voice that will helping help me have an engaging conversation with her and then see what Chat comes up with? I am totally okay with that. That way it's more like it's funneling your authentic voice. It's channeling your authentic voice and it's helping you. So you want to think of it like. So I used to work in journalism before I became a dating coach. I was a magazine editor and writer. I used to work in newspapers and then magazines, and I edited a national. Co edited a national magazine. And so you want to think. Think of ChatGPT like, almost like it's a junior reporter or a junior writer in your. In your. Your. Your dating newspaper. Dating magazine. But you're the editor in chief and you need to sign off on everything and make sure. Hey, does this thing that ChatGPT, that this writer wrote for me, does it sound like me? Does it sound like this magazine brand? So you want to think you're the editor in chief. Chat is your intern or junior writer, but so you can help Chat polish something. But you've got to filter everything through the lens of Is this me? Does this sound like me? Okay, and one last thought here. Nicholas is. I'm sorry, not Nicholas. Nicholas was my client. Vikram. One last thought here. Vikram. Part of why you probably think you need chats help is because you're. You're trying to be too perfect. You don't need perfect amazing content. You do want to be light and playful as I mentioned already in this show. But women don't want perfect. They want authentic. They want you. They want light and real. And if that me, you're going to do better on the apps if you just try to channel your most light, real self as opposed to having chat write everything for you. Okay, so remember, authenticity beats the slick, soulless, fake chatgpt question every time you struggle with dating, right? Sure, you have a good job and cool friends, but you just aren't sure how to flirt. The apps don't work for you, and sometimes women put you in the friend zone. It's frustrating. Hey, I struggled with dating too. As an introvert and a total nerd. I didn't just live in the friend zone. I. I owned real estate there. But I escaped using the dating philosophy of radical authenticity, which I've used to help thousands of men in 17 countries find love. It's what I wrote about in my best selling book, Dating Sucks, but yout Don't. And Radical Authenticity is why Psychology Today called me the best dating coach in America. And now I want to personally help you attract your dream girlfriend. So go to datingtransformation.com and book a free call with me. On our call, I'll tell you how my one on one coaching will help you find your dream girlfriend. And you'll be doing it by flirting with confidence and authenticity. No creepy pickup tricks needed. So go to datingtransformation.com, book a free call today, and let my personalized coaching help you get a great girlfriend. Okay, next question. This comes from. Let's see here. Oh, this comes from Andrew. Andrew. Andrew is 29 from Indianapolis. Andrew writes. Hey, Connell. On my last few dates, I've been getting stuck in interview mode. I ask so many questions, such as where did you grow up? What year did you graduate? Where do you live? On and on and on. And at one point, this one girl said to me, I feel like I'm being interrogated. How do I stop asking so many questions? Andrew from Indy. Hey, Andrew. Okay, first, I want to bust a big dating myth for you right now, which is that you might think that interview mode is bad, but it's actually a good thing as long as you ask good interview questions. So yeah, pummeling your date with boring, logical questions, as I've already said today, this is going to get you breaking rocks in the friend zone for sure. But when you ask questions that are fun, flirty, playful, thought provoking, boom. The interview mode becomes a virtue, not a vice. There's a power in asking really good questions. So, yeah, it's a myth that interview mode is bad. No, logical, boring. Interview mode is bad. Good. Engaging, playful interview mode is good. Are you noticing a theme here? Quick story. I once had a first date with a woman named Rebecca, a costume designer who works on Broadway shows. And I'm an introvert. And that night on our first date at the pub, I really didn't spill. I didn't really feel on. I was not feeling charismatic. I was overworked, I was tired. I probably, yeah, I just didn't have 10 out of 10 energy, nowhere near it. So rather than fake a gregarious energy, I said, you know what? I'm just going to interview her. I'm going to let her do all the talking. I just want to get through this date. And so because I'm a journalist, I got really good at interviewing people, and I know how to make them feel. I know how to make them feel special and interesting. And Rebecca opened up all about her family, her career, her favorite TV shows. We talked movies, tv, all kinds of things. And don't get me wrong, I did a reasonable amount of talking, but it was mainly her. I would say the conversational breakdown was probably about 70, 30 in her favor. And I was fine with that. I. I was just listening and chiming in now and then and trying to find things about her that she and I were both interested in. And here's what really shocked me. So we said good night and I grabbed a cab and I'm heading home. And my phone buzzed before I even got home. And it was a text from Rebecca. And she quoted, this is almost an exact quote she wrote me, quote unquote. I had so much fun tonight. You're one of the most interesting people I've ever met. She said that to me. And I thought, I read that message thinking me interesting. I barely said a word about myself, by the way. I do think I'm interesting back then. I don't know if I did, but this was early in my dating get better at dating journey. But she wouldn't have known how interesting I was because I barely said a word about myself. But because I asked her good questions that she enjoyed answering, she found me downright fascinating. And there's an old expression, it goes, if you want to be interesting, be interested. And that's what I did on that date, is I Asked her questions, showing interest in her, and that made her find me interesting and she wanted to see me again. And we did keep dating for a while and we ended up becoming really good friends. Not, not a friend zone situation. It was just we dated for a while and we ended up realizing, hey, friends is better for us for different, for many reasons. And she's still a dear, dear, wonderful, close friend. So bottom line, though is our first date went very well in terms of me having her interested in wanting a second date. So bottom line is don't fear interview mode, but you want to make it a great interview. That's what you want to do. Don't be afraid of interview mode. Just know how to make it a great interview. So here are eight fun, flirty, interesting questions to ask on your next date. Here we go. I'll count down from eight to one. Number eight, what was the best thing that happened to you today besides meeting me? Ask that in the first few minutes of a date because that question will inject some small talk or inject small talk with some cheeky confidence. And you can give a sly little smile when you say, you know, besides meeting me. So you're going again, you're going for playful, not arrogant. Okay? Cheeky. That playful theme I've been talking about today, that playfulness makes a line like or a phrase like, besides meeting me makes it cheeky. It makes it not douchey, not arrogant. It's done with playfulness. Okay, question number seven. To ask on a date, if we could be transported anywhere in the world right now, where would we go and why? This question lets her focus on the idea of the two of you as a couple. Plus, it's just, it's just way more evocative and open ended than do you like to travel? Just, you know, do you like to travel? Is a boring, cliched question. Instead, ask her, if we could go anywhere, where would we go together and why? And it also puts you, puts you in that answer in her mind, which is good. Number six. Who should play you in the movie of your life? What actor? What actress? And this question will cater to her ego. And the actress that she chooses is going to clue you in on how she sees herself. Now, by the way, just be ready to answer this or any of these other questions yourself. Be ready to answer any of these from your point of view, okay? Because a lot of times a woman, you'll ask one of these questions and then she'll flip it back on you and say, what about you? Who should play you in the movie of your life. So just have a good answer. Ready? Number five. What's the story behind your name? Slash, how did your parents name you? Everyone's favorite word is their first name, so ask about hers. I've done this so many times. I remember my date with Rebecca. What's the story behind your name? It's a family name. She told me all about her great aunt Rebecca, and she told me why she was named that. I once asked a woman named Faith this question. Hey, what's the story behind your name? And she told me, oh, my parents are big George Michael fans. She was named after the George Michael song Faith, which I thought was. That was fascinating to me. And we laughed and joked all about that. And then she asked me how my parents named me Connell. I have a good story about that. My parents were in a bar. My dad threw a dart at a map of Ireland, and the dart landed on Mcconnellsburg or Connellstown or something in Ireland. And they said, all right, that's how we're naming our sixth kid. So I was. My name came from a drunken throw of a dart. My conception probably came from a drunken throw of a dart. Okay, question number four. To ask on dates, who did you see for your very first concert? Music is a great date topic. So, yeah, be impressed. Be impressed when she boasts that Beyonce was her first show. And be ready to feign horror when she says Nickelback. Tease her for that. By the way, my very first concert was hall and oates in the 1980s. In their prime. Hall and oats. Okay, number three. What was the best day of your life? Now we're getting deep. Now we're getting deep or deeper. What was the best day of your life? Now, again, by the way, these questions. I'm giving you these eight questions. I'm giving you these more or less in chronological order. I should have said that. Oops. Anyway, I'm giving you these in more or less chronological order. In other words, you're going to ease into these final questions as the date progresses. Okay. You're not going to. Don't. Don't have her walk into the bar. She sits down on the stool, and you say, hey, nice to meet you. What was the best day of your life? Don't do that. Think of these questions as being progressively peppering them in as the day progresses. And by the way, you don't have to ask all eight of these, of course. I'm just giving you sort of a model here of how a lot of good questions can be asked in the. In the order and women will find it engaging. Not quote interview mode. Anyway, you ask, what was the best day of your life? Now we're getting deeper because this question will take her back to a momentous day that she's going to love reliving. It's going to make the conversation deeper than surface level chit chat. And by the way, it is okay to get more real and deep as a date progresses. It's more than okay. It's probably a good thing to do on most dates. Playfulness, lightness, flirtatiousness, that's the primary chord we want to strike on a first date. But it's more than fine to play some minor chords to take a break from the fun, light, playful flirtiness, which I'm all about and kind of. And just drop the guard a bit. Be more real. Hey, what was the best day of your life? Again, just be ready to share your answer to that question because she's going to ask you. And my best day ever, by the way, for what it's worth, my dad's surprise 85th birthday party on Halloween 2014. It was extra special because it brought me so much closer to my three sisters who helped me plan my dad's surprise party. And it was the best day of my life because it also was one of the last family events that my mom was able to attend. My mom was very sick and I remember all these trick or treaters were knocking on the door and we had all these surprise guests coming up to trick or treat and knocking on the door and surprising my dad, making them think he was, they were a trick or treater. But it was a surprise guest from my dad's past and my mom is sitting there in her wheelchair watching my dad. Her eyes are lighting up and it was one of the last things she was able to do with my family before she died. And it was just a perfect day. Perfect day of tears and love and laughter and Halloween candy. So that was the best day of my life. Anyway, I've talked about that date day on a few dates. So yeah, anyway, you can go deep. You can go deep. Okay, number two, what was your first kiss like? That's a great, innocent, effective way to dial up romantic vibes on a date, but in a G rated way. You know, you're not looking at her lips and saying something vulgar. You're maybe you're looking at her lips and smiling and saying, hey, what was your first kiss like? This is a way to talk about romance in a G rated way, in an innocent way. Just again, be ready for her to ask you that question too, right? Chances are I've asked this question on many first dates, and it almost always makes a woman smile and think about something from her teenage years playing spin the bottle or the boy she had a crush on. He finally kissed her at the school dance. And again, it just. It creates a. It creates a romantic atmosphere, but in a very innocent, sweet way. Okay, and then here's number one. Here is question number one to ask toward the end of the date. So let's say you've asked many of these other seven. Okay, date's going well. And then you might ask this number one, do you like to see a first kiss coming, or do you like to be surprised? Now, if you go back and listen to these questions again, you'll notice that the first few questions start off light and playful, and then they become more personal and more flirtatious. Go back and listen to these again. They start light and they get more personal and more flirtatious. They. This is all by design. There's a method to my madness. Emotional connection on a first date should increase gradually. So I've put these questions in an order that you want to ask them because this allows us to lead that dating dance, to escalate things emotionally, lead the dance with her. And it all leads up to a question such as, do you like to see that first kiss coming? Or do you like to be surprised? And this question tees you up to move in for that first kiss, depending on her answer. Now, if her answer is, I like to see a kiss coming, then you can say, interesting. Well, here it comes. And then you move in and go for the kiss. Very smooth, very smooth, because she sees it coming in a good way. Now, if she replies, oh, I like to be surprised, then you might say, okay, then, well, surprise, and you go in for that first kiss. Now, you don't have to go for the first kiss if you don't want to. It's not a requirement. You always, always, always, always want to read the room. You want to read her as best you can and figure out is now roughly the right time to go for the first kiss. And if you're. If you're just not feeling that you're at that point on the date, that's fine. I'm not saying you must go for the kiss, but even if you don't go for the first kiss using this question, it will put kissing on her mind. It creates romantic tension, and it will make it so much easier to go for the first kiss later. By the way, if you decide not to go for the first kiss, you just from whatever her answer is to this question, put it in your back pocket. Half hour later, hour later, you're walking her to her car, or there's a moment when she gives you those eyes, then you can say, oh, by the way, I know you like a kiss to see it coming, so here it comes. And then you go in. So you could call back to her answer to this question and use it as a way to move in for that. That first kiss. So smooth. Okay, next question comes from Robbie. Robbie in San Diego asks, hey, Connell, there's a woman in my gym I want to talk to, but I don't know, or I don't want to be that creep who hits on girls at the gym. What if she complains and I get kicked out? Just the idea of saying hello to her terrifies me. Should I shoot my shot? Ravi 37 in San Diego. You have very good instincts, Robby. Women at the gym. Women go to the gym to get their hitt on, not to get hit on. Okay, so don't hit on her per se. Instead, strike up a light, friendly conversation, and then you want to see if there's chemistry. Okay, so you're never hitting on a woman at the gym. In fact, I never use the term hitting on women ever, except in a way that I say, don't do it. I don't like the idea of hitting on people. To me, that comes off as like a cat caller or like a sleazy guy who's hitting on women. I don't hit on women. I chat with them, I play with them, I flirt. And also I just have a friend. Friendly, fun conversation, too. Just. Just good conversation. And the secret to meeting women at the gym is think of your gym as what it is, which is a social club, and she's a fellow member. And it's perfectly okay to at least try to socialize with a woman who catches your eye at the gym. There's nothing weird or wrong about talking to a fellow club member as long as you're doing it with class and basic human social skills. Right? So what do we want to make sure we do at the gym and not do? Well? First of all, don't open the conversation with something vulgar like about her body or her yoga pants. You know, you're not going to say, oh, my God, those yoga pants are painted on. So don't be vulgar. Don't be cheesy. What I mean by cheesy is cheesy pickup line. You know, like oh, hey, you must be taking boxing classes because you're a knockout. You know, don't do that unless you're making fun of that kind of thing. So don't be vulgar, don't be cheesy. Don't be vulgar and cheesy. Hey, hey, girl. We should do a pose called downward doggy style. Okay, here's my advice. Here's what you do at the gym. Wait for a moment when she's not doing a set and then break the ice with her in a friendly, G rated way using a friendly G rated compliment. Compliment something perhaps her good style, her snazzy gym style, or her cool tattoo. Or you could also ask an innocent playful question. Ask an innocent question about, say, what she's listening to. You could walk up and you know pretty much every woman at the Gym has her AirPods in, right? Most women do. Most people do. So you could walk up and say, hey, excuse me, curious. What's on your gym playlist? Are you a podcast person or are you jamming to some music? That's a genuine question. That shows interest in her as a person. And there's nothing creepy about showing surface level interest in somebody socially when you're, you're both members of a club. So these openers, things like G rated compliments about her style, her tattoo, not her body parts, or asking a question that makes sense. It could be like, hey, what are you working on today? What are you working out on today? I've seen you here before. I'm just curious, what brings you to the gym? Tell her what you're working on. These icebreakers are virtually rejection proof because you're just testing conversational waters. You're not doing weird pickup moves and you're not saying vulgar things. So you're basically taking away, taking away the things that a woman can reject. So you open, you break the ice with a G rated compliment or a question that makes sense. And then you notice how she responds. And you read her body language. You read her voice. If her reply is terse, if she does not hold eye contact with you, if she turns away and really just clearly doesn't want to talk for very, for very long. That's all good. Stay upbeat. Just say, she'll answer you. You might say, hey, what are you listening to? What's on your head? What's on your headset? And she'll go like, huh, what? Oh, you know, listen to, listening to, to 90s grunge. And then she puts her headset back in and makes it clear she doesn't want to talk. She didn't reject you. She just basically said, hey, I want to do my workout. And you didn't hit on her. You just sought to strike a conversation up, and she didn't really choose to engage it, but you didn't. She's not going to go to the front desk and say, hey, this guy's bothering me. He asked me what I'm listening to. That's not going to happen. I'm 99.999% sure. Anyway, in the unlikely event that she's kind of dismissive and doesn't really want to talk, stay upbeat and just say, all good. How? Have a great workout and move on. You did not creepily hit on her. You just said hello. She almost certainly will not complain. In fact, she's the antisocial one. You're the one showing really good social skills. Now, what's much more likely to happen, much more likely to happen is she'll be somewhere between polite and very positive and engaged. Somewhere between polite and very positive. And if she's positive and engaged with good eye contact, with giving you her presence, she's giving you the green light to take things a little bit further socially, if not romantically. So what do you do next? Be sincere. Be authentic. Keep things light. And that's a whole separate episode where I'll talk about how to carry the conversation. But basically, you chat about her and yourself for a couple of minutes, maybe. You talk about the music you're both listening to and what you're working out, what. What kinds of gym habits you have. And then after about two minutes, if she's still giving you that presence, she's talking to you, she's being positive and pleasant, maybe very positive. And you've talked for two minutes minimum, maybe even a little bit longer. Two minutes minimum. Then you are more than within your rights to take out your phone and say, hey, I'll let you get back to your planks. But it would be cool to talk again. Shall we do numbers? Boom. Now, you're simply looking to make a social connection. And if she says yes, massive success. 100 out of 10. You're gonna. You're gonna do cartwheels on the way home when you get your first gym phone number, oh, my God, you're gonna feel like a God. But so if she says yes, hell yeah, you. The two of you could shoot soon be downing wheatgrass shots together at the juice bar now. Now, if she says no or no, thank you, or I have a boyfriend, don't take it personally. She may be In a relationship. Or maybe she just sees the gym as a place to get fit, not to get dates. A lot of women are flattered. Even if she isn't interested or available, she might be flattered that you asked. Stay positive, wish her well. Don't apologize. Just feel really great that you took a romantic risk. Worst case scenario, you might. By the way, I've got many gym approach stories. I've dated women, I've met at the gym, gotten phone numbers. Plenty of times though, I had a nice 2, 3, 4 minute conversation. Then I said, hey, you know what? It'd be cool to chat again sometime when we're not both working out, I take my phone out. Shall we do numbers? Shall we stay in touch? I'm giving her the option. I'm leading the dating dance. And plenty of times a woman said, oh, oh no, no thanks. I'm not really interested. I actually have a boyfriend. And then I don't apologize. I'm all good with it. Like, oh, no worries. I say, I like. One of my go to lines is, that's okay. Pretty. A lot of pretty stylish, cool women have boyfriends. I can take it. And I smile and I go, no big deal. I chat for maybe another five or ten seconds and I say, all good. It was great talking to you. Have a great rest of your workout. And I haven't done anything that can get me in trouble, okay? Because she already gave me the green light to talk to her. Get a nice two, three minute conversation. And most of the time they're flattered or they appreciate it because I'm doing it with empathy. I'm doing it with empathy and reading her social media cues. And anyway, so I've never, I've never had a problem at the gym. You don't, don't you don't worry about it. If you don't, you won't have to worry about it. If you follow my advice, I'll finish with a story. I've rarely been approached. Usually it's me approaching women. But back in my single days, I was at the gym one Sunday afternoon and, and I saw a woman. I complimented her on her Rolling Stones T shirt and she said, oh, thank you. And that was all as far as it went. And then about 15 minutes later, she came back up to me. She basically approached or re approached me after I first spoke to her. And she came back up to me and said, oh, hey, by the way, I just have to tell you that your. I was wearing a Krispy Kreme T shirt and I Used to eat a lot of Krispy Kreme. I guess I was branding for them. And she came over and said, by the way, your Krispy Kreme T shirt is really making me hungry. She said it with like a cute smile. And I said, oh, my God. Well, we should get together and talk about our incredible T shirts. You got great T shirts. You love the Stones, I love Krispy Kreme. We had a nice, fun, flirty conversation for two or three minutes. And yeah, we had a really nice conversation. And after talking donuts and classic rock Rolling Stones for a couple minutes, we traded numbers and we set up a date. By the way, our first date included a trip to Krispy Kreme. Bottom line is, yes, you can absolutely talk to women and meet women at the gym. Just follow this little blueprint. Keep it social, keep it friendly, read her cues, and then make the decision after two or so minutes. If you want to ask her out, go for the number or not, because, hey, that's why we burn fat at the gym, right? It's to find fun ways to put it back on. On a date having Krispy Kreme or wine or food. So that is my answer to you, sir. Okay, let's do one more question here. This comes from. Oh, no name here. He did not sign a name here. So Mr. Anonymous wrote me, connell, how many times? Oh, this is a great one. How many times should I text a woman before I ask her out? Hey, Connell, I'm confused about something. In your book you said to text a woman 10 to 12 times before asking her out. But on your podcast you said eight. I like it. This guy's fact checking me. You said text her 10 to 12 times in your book before you ask her out. But then you said text her eight times on your podcast. Which is it? I'm trying to follow your system, but I don't want to jump the gun or come off as too eager after I match with a woman. Is there a perfect number of messages before I ask for the first date? Great question. The correct Number is exactly 11 3/5 messages delivered at alternating times of day. Unless you're in the central time zone, in which case, obviously, it's 9.25 messages. 7. Central and Mountain carry. The tax sale ends on Friday. Okay, Mr. Anonymous, I'm kidding. Obviously, even in this very episode, you probably heard me give a range, right? In my book, I think I say 12. 10 or 12 messages total. My book's five years old at this point. Four or five years old. So I've evolved a little bit. And now I basically say, well, there's not a magic number. But as a general guideline, I'm gonna, I'm gonna go with, I'm gonna go with eight total messages. General guideline, eight total messages. Where you've matched with that woman. You send the opener, she responds, you go back and forth roughly eight times. Is a good, is a good ballpark number. But here's the thing. The best thing you can do to know when to ask her out is read the room. Read the room. You might be able to ask her out more quickly than that. A lot of women are going to show you that they're ready for you to ask her out through their tone, through their engagement. You know, is she using exclamation points? Is she using emojis, smiley faces? Does she seem upbeat? Right? Is she laughing at your jokes and asking follow up questions? If she's doing that, don't worry about counting text messages. Just pull the trigger. Pull the trigger. So, for example, yeah, I generally say 8, 8 to 10 messages total, and then ask her out. But you know what? If her first message to you or her first or second message is, oh, my God, I love your smile. You're so cool that you're into hiking. I love hiking too, with like five emojis. Then you don't have to wait. She's giving you a green light, saying, hey, you can ask me out right now. She's trying to tell you. Women are always telling us how to flirt with them and what to do. They're trying to help us. Many are trying. And so you can read that room. So if a woman messages me on the dating app, I mean, I'm in love with my girlfriend. I'm not dating, but if I was, if a woman says, oh, my God, Connell, you have a great smile, I love your profile. You seem really awesome. I'll ask her out right away. Or I'll say, thank you. I'll give her a little bit of banter. But then I'll just get right to it. I'll say, hey, let's hop off the app. It'd be cool to go on a date with you. I'll plan something for us. What's your number? Boom. It's that easy. So read the room. Now, the reason I gave that range of messages, the number is because most guys, most guys take too long. Most guys message forever. They send 8, 10, 12, 15 messages. And most of them are boring and lame. Like, how's your day? How are you? And then the woman just Says, I don't want to be a pen pal, and she goes quiet. So I would rather you message too soon than too late. At least if you message sooner rather than later, that shows a woman that you are dating with some intentionality. You're not going to be a pen pal, and a woman will go, oh, you know what? I'm not quite ready yet. Let's just stay here on the app for a little while longer. That's great feedback. Then do that. So I'd rather you ask her out sooner rather than later. So the right number is absolutely going to be. It's going to change from woman to woman, but. But Basically, I'd say eight total messages, one to two topics, max. If you've sent more than 10 messages back and forth and you've exhausted one to two topics, ask her out right away. Ask her out, pull the trigger. Because she wants to see that you. This is going somewhere. I'd rather you ask a little bit too soon. But the best thing to do is read that room. And when the vibe has gotten nice and positive from both of you, if you've hit 10, 8 to 12 messages, boom. Then say, hey, let's hop off the app. It'd be cool to chat with you and set up a date with you. What's your number? So, yeah, there's no prize for most optimized number of texts. Just read the room, and when you feel the vibes are from her are pretty good, pull the trigger. And now not every woman gives you those giant emojis, by the way, not every woman's going to give you six heart eye emojis and three exclamation points. And that's where you say, okay, I've hit 10 or 12 total messages. Now I'm going to ask her out. So that's my answer to that. All right, that ends today's episode of Ask the Dating Coach. Hope you enjoyed this. Thank you so much for listening. I know you have so many podcasts you can listen to, and you listen to mine. That means a lot to me. So thank you. And again, if you ever are thinking about, wow, I want somebody to help me overhaul my online dating, or I need help with flirting, and I need to get really good. I need some personalized help to become amazing at texting and talking to women and flirting. Then you can go to datingtransformation.com and you can book a free call to speak with somebody on my team and also to speak with me, and we can talk about whether or not dating coaching is right. For you. All right? Thank you so much for listening. And don't forget, your dream girlfriend, she is out there and she is going to love you. She just has to meet the real, authentic you. Till next time.