← How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett
How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett
The Neuroscience of Attraction: How to Rewire Your Brain for Dating Success (with Harvard’s Dr. Ali Binazir)
01:05:40
Ever wonder, “Am I enough to find love?” Harvard-educated physician Ali Binazir has a hopeful answer! The man behind the “Trillion Sided Dice” theory of existence (seriously, it’ll break your brain) shares his own dating journey—still a virgin at...
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- [00:00]
Dr. Ali Binazir
In my life so far, the number of times that a woman has hit on me, I can count on probably less than one finger.
- [00:06]
Connell Barrett
Okay.
- [00:07]
Dr. Ali Binazir
It just doesn't happen.
- [00:08]
Connell Barrett
Half a finger. A knuckle.
- [00:11]
Dr. Ali Binazir
Exactly.
- [00:20]
Connell Barrett
Welcome back to the how to Get a Girlfriend podcast. I'm your host, dating coach, Connell Barrett. I'm here to help you flirt with confidence, more dates, and get a great girlfriend, all by being radically authentic. That's right, because women like you for you. And we're going to talk about how to get more women liking you for you today with my guest. His name is Dr. Ali Bazir. He's a Harvard educated physician and an author of many very successful best selling books. His most recent is called the five Hidden Love Questions. And he also wrote a book that, as I understand it, was on the top of the Amazon dating charts for seven years. We're going to ask him about that and he's got a really great TEDx presentation about happiness. You should look that up. And he has a lot more dating insights on his website, daofdating.com. that's ta o of dating.com. Dr. Ali Bienazir. Welcome.
- [01:13]
Dr. Ali Binazir
Thanks for having me. Connell.
- [01:17]
Connell Barrett
I found out something about you recently, which is partially why you're on my podcast. You are the man who came up with the idea of how incredibly rare existences. And if you wouldn't mind starting with this. I'm fascinated by this idea of the trillion sided dice and just how incredibly unlikely it is that any of us are here on this planet. Would you, would you mind sharing that with the audience?
- [01:42]
Dr. Ali Binazir
Yeah. One day I was just doing one of these back of the envelope calculations. Like, hey, what are the chances of my parents having met? I mean, the circumstances of the meeting were like, very strange. And then from there it just became this ongoing calculation of what are the chances of every single event that led to our existence happening. Right. So it starts out with boy meeting girl. So, you know, I give that through various calculations, a probability of 1 in 20,000. Because if it was a different boy meeting a different girl, it wouldn't be you, it would be somebody else. Right? And then you have the calculation, this is where numbers get very large of the right spur meeting the right egg. Because if those weren't right, then it wouldn't be you, it'd be your, I don't know, your ugly cousin Jethro, whom you don't really like that much. So. And that's like 100 million sperm and you know, 20 to 40,000 eggs. Okay, so that's be exactly right. But then that propagates through, I don't know, 150,000 generations of hominins. Then you have to think, oh, wait a sec. That means every single one of my ancestors had to survive. Like, Genghis Khan didn't bash him in the head. They didn't, like, step on some hole and, like, heal over and die.
- [02:49]
Connell Barrett
They.
- [02:50]
Dr. Ali Binazir
So it's just a lot of insane, crazy luck. And if you add, multiply, if you multiply all those probabilities together, the number comes out to this absolutely, monstrously huge thing. And the funny thing is, the version that you saw actually had some mathematical glitches. So for my new book, the entire last chapter of the book is about who you really are. And I frame this. This whole calculation as, who you really are is a miracle. My definition of a miracle is something that is unbelievably unlikely to happen, but happens anyway. And so here you are, Connell. Here I am, and we're both miracles. But how many people are walking around every day thinking, wow, my mere existence here, every breath I take, is a miracle. Hallelujah.
- [03:36]
Connell Barrett
Right?
- [03:36]
Dr. Ali Binazir
They're thinking, wow, the Internet, the WI fi is so slow in this cafe. Or, damn, this traffic is annoying.
- [03:44]
Connell Barrett
Right?
- [03:45]
Dr. Ali Binazir
Or, ah, I wish I could have gotten that girl instead of that girl.
- [03:49]
Connell Barrett
Right?
- [03:49]
So why did she text me back but not the one I really want?
- [03:52]
Dr. Ali Binazir
Exactly. So it's like, you know, if you look at the cosmic scale of things and the unlikeliness of our existence, and I do a bunch of other calculations, too, in terms of, okay, what's the probability of life happening at all on Earth, right? And it's, you know, every day we should be just awash in wonder and amazement and gratitude, which, by the way, is a very powerful frame to inform all of our interactions with other people, especially when it comes to dating. I mean, if you're coming from a place of God, you know, world done me wrong again, as opposed to, I am blessed. Hallelujah.
- [04:32]
Connell Barrett
Right?
- [04:33]
Dr. Ali Binazir
And when you come from that point of view of feeling blessed and knowing that you're a miracle, you're much more able to transmit that to other people. You're able to transmit to people their own sense of divinity and specialness. And how many people are doing that? Basically nobody. So once you become that fount of positive energy towards making other people feel fantastic, like they're a million bucks, the world is your oyster.
- [04:58]
Connell Barrett
We're going to get into that because you talk a lot about appreciation, the power of appreciation, and bringing that value and energy to the world. I tried to Write about your trillion sided dice. I did. I did write about it and my editor said, oh, we got to make some cuts here. And you ended up on the cutting room floor. What I was. The point I was trying to get to is, hey, is it really so bad that the girl ghosted you or the date didn't go that well? Because. And then I was going to mention how. And tell me if I've got this wrong, and I probably do. My recollection is the. The odds that anybody that you, myself, our listeners, is alive right now is about the same as roughly the population of San Diego. Everybody there having a trillion sided dice, they all roll it and it comes up the same number. Is that close?
- [05:47]
Dr. Ali Binazir
Something like that, yeah. And I redid the calculation to make it more accurate, also more graspable mentally. And I said, Imagine LA, 12 million people, they all flip a coin and it all comes up heads. It's the same. It's around the same. Extremely unlikely.
- [06:04]
Connell Barrett
Okay, so the same odds as the New York jets winning a Super Bowl.
- [06:09]
Dr. Ali Binazir
Pretty much that far.
- [06:11]
Connell Barrett
Or the deferred Lions. I'm still upset about that.
- [06:14]
Dr. Ali Binazir
I think you just. I think you just crushed Gary Vee's heart right there.
- [06:19]
Connell Barrett
Okay, so, yes, Fear of rejection versus the odds of existence. I was trying to reframe the idea of this or I was going to do it in my book and talk about the power of gratitude. Because one of the things I teach my clients and I'd love the listener of this podcast to be doing, is every day getting in touch with something to feel grateful for. Because if you can put rejection or some kind of dating struggle in the context of, okay, I wish he wrote me back, or I wish that date had gone better, but. But really, is this really a big deal compared to how incredible what a miracle it is that I'm even alive? Is that your point is, like, it's a miracle that we're all here.
- [06:59]
Dr. Ali Binazir
Yeah.
- [07:00]
Connell Barrett
And.
- [07:02]
Dr. Ali Binazir
So my approach is a very holistic one. And it's not just about, let's get the girl. It's about, well, there's a whole. You. There's a whole person. There's a whole ecosystem around here. And if you get the girl, and if it's the wrong girl, well, you end up with, like, my friend who has had two children with the wrong woman and his life is terrible because she calls SWAT teens on him. Is that what you want? That's probably not what you want. You want to be happy, right? And if you're better off alone, then that's okay. If you're better off with a good partner, then that's okay too. But what is it that actually guides you towards your. Towards your greater flourishing and your ability to give your gift to the world? And I think most of us do better with a supportive partner. So am I veering off here? What was the. Remind me of what the question was again?
- [07:54]
Connell Barrett
No, I was just asking you about the. I was talking about the power of gratitude as a way to reframe putting quote unquote rejection or any dating struggle into a better, healthier context.
- [08:05]
Dr. Ali Binazir
So a lot of what I write is informed by Buddhist and Taoist thought, just Eastern wisdom in general. I love that stuff because it says all these things that are basically undeniable. Like, stuff changes. Well, there you go. So impermanence is one of the core tenets of Buddhism. And also in Taoism, it's like, hey, you're chasing this thing down, right? Right? What if you actually get it? What if the dog actually catches the car? Now what?
- [08:33]
Connell Barrett
Right?
- [08:33]
Dr. Ali Binazir
So personally, I've had many experiences when I've chased down the bright, shiny object, thinking, yes, this is the thing, this is the one. And afterwards it doesn't turn out so well. So be skeptical of your own wants, right? Because the thing that you actually want to prioritize over your wants are your needs. What you need is somebody who is willing and able to have your back. And then basically, you know, after 15 years of writing about this stuff, if I were to scrunch down everything I know about dating into that, into one sentence, that's it. Go for somebody who is willing and able to support you. There's. There's three components to that. Willing, able, support, right? And the. There's a lot of people out there who are like super sweet and they're willing to support you, but they don't have the time. There are a lot of people out there who are able to support you, but they don't have the heart to be actually willing to support you, right? And so many times we fool ourselves and we think, oh, this person has means. This person has really high status. Look at this CEO guy. I want to go after him. Or CEO lady, I want to go after her, right? And guess what happens if you end up with them? They don't have time for a year on your own. So willing and able to have your back should be the thing that is foremost. Because the whole idea is, look, you know, if you want to go and date for fun, fine, go gather some experiences. But if you're looking for something like Partnership that lasts. You want the thing that you need. And I'd like to think that what we need in life is anything that catalyzes our ability to give our gift to the world. That's like our greater purpose for, for this whole existence. So if you see that, then you should go for it. And sometimes it may come in packaging that you weren't expecting. So it's not the bright shiny object, but you have to be a little more discerning. You have to pay a little closer attention.
- [10:27]
Connell Barrett
For the single guy listening to this who is thinking, okay, what is my gift? How does he find, how does he know what his gift is? Do we all have the same gift? Is it a different gift for different people?
- [10:42]
Dr. Ali Binazir
Well, I would like to think that we're all built slightly differently, so we have different kinds of gifts we can give to the world. Some person is good at language. Somebody is good at music. Somebody is good at being a doctor. Somebody can write a novel, whatever it is.
- [10:57]
Connell Barrett
Right.
- [10:57]
Dr. Ali Binazir
So that part is super important. But the most important part is how are you able to serve? Because we are hypersocial creatures. And, and so the way we are designed, like the base blueprint of our DNA is all about pro social stuff, pro social activity, making us feel good, because that's what's led to the survival of the tribe. And if you think about how a wimpy, furless, clawless, fangless animal has become the top dog on the planet, that's how it happened, through cooperation. So whoever you are, you are in a position to uplift other people. A position to make anybody you meet feel like a million bucks. So that can be anybody's gift.
- [11:43]
Connell Barrett
Right.
- [11:43]
Dr. Ali Binazir
So nobody can take that away from you. In the meantime, you have some special talents and you can go after that. And you know, there's some personality inventories and job counselors who can find that for you. That's a separate issue. But at a certain level, people know what they're good at. So everyone can be great at compassion. Everyone can be good at elevating other people. Service. That is a power that cannot be taken away from you. Yeah. And then you have your own special gifts that you can go after as well.
- [12:16]
Connell Barrett
My advice to men, when they say, hey, Connell, what do I say when I walk up to a woman? Or what do I talk about on a date? All these understandable sort of tips and tricks based questions which I get, I understand why single people want to know the mechanics of it. First I say, well, the most important thing is to think about dating and think about connecting with somebody as a form of offering, form of giving, contribution. And even with the approach, which is the classic thing that men want to do but usually don't, I say don't worry about whether or not you get what you want from her first. Think about what you can give her, what you can give a small little gift to her. How can you make her smile? How can you make her day better? Or as you say, how can you show appreciation? So I think there's just so much wisdom in what you just said.
- [13:01]
Dr. Ali Binazir
Yeah. And in the, in chapter one of the book, I, it's all about five hidden questions. Yes. If I had in love, the first question is, am I enough? And what we just discussed feeds directly into that. It's like, oh, how can I be enough? How can I be giving you my gift? And that's just the wrong question to be attending to because it's always going to be there anyway. Because we're primates and we're hierarchical and so we're always trying to climb up that ladder unconsciously, even if we're not actively consciously thinking about it. But what you can do is you can disempower that question by putting energy into a much more interesting question, which is, how can I be the light? How can I serve? How can I make this moment better for everybody around me? And that is the power that cannot be taken away from you. The am I enough? That can change anytime. Your status, your title, your money. Poof, right. Gone in an instant. But your ability to serve, that's entirely up to you.
- [14:00]
Connell Barrett
I'm dying to know. And I really don't know. I didn't do enough research. I was too busy looking at trillion sided dice before I got on this pod. What are the five hidden love questions? I'm really curious.
- [14:10]
Dr. Ali Binazir
Oh, okay, excellent question. So this all came out of the thousands of letters I got from my readers over the years.
- [14:19]
Connell Barrett
And.
- [14:19]
Dr. Ali Binazir
And once you get enough of these, you notice that there's a pattern. And these aren't 5,000 letters. These are just like a few, a handful of questions in different form and just being repeated depending on the person's particular circumstance. And so I boiled it down to these five questions. Number one, am I enough? Number two, am I the buyer or the seller? Number three, am I physically and psychologically safe? Number four, what do I really want? And number five, who am I really? And this basically covers the entire spectrum of existence from like the simple tribal stuff to like cosmic metaphysical existence questions. But each one of those, as you first of all become aware of the fact that these questions exist and they're running in the background of your mind. And second, as you start to come up with better answers for them. And third, as you start to embody those answers, your whole life starts to shift.
- [15:22]
Connell Barrett
Let's look at that first question. Am I enough? That, I think, is the core source of self doubt that really hurts single a single person's confidence. Quick story. My listeners probably heard this many times. I'll share it with you. Very quick, doctor. The very first night I ever went out to approach Women, I'm 38 years old. I'd never done it before. I had just done very little dating, very little romantic success, and I just doubted my worth to women. And before I went out to approach women with the help of a dating coach, pickup artist type guy, I first had to go into the men's room stall at this club in New York City, and I had a panic attack. First and only time in my life I had a panic attack. I started getting the dry heaves, I started shaking. I thought at the time, oh, this is just butterflies. It's performance anxiety. It was a straight up panic attack. And I now realize I was looking at this night out of talking to women as I was afraid the answer was going to be, hey, Connell, maybe you're not enough. And you're about to find out. So that first core question in the five hidden love questions, it is such a powerful question. If you have a disempowering answer, no, it's huge.
- [16:32]
Dr. Ali Binazir
And thank you for sharing. That's a powerful story. And the whole notion of am I enough? Well, here's the thing. It's never going away. It's part of our essential makeup as primates. Primates live in hierarchical societies. If we were chimps, we'd know that we're like, number three, male chimp from the top. Number 15, female chimp from the bottom. You know where you stand, you know who not to cross, who not to beat up, all that stuff. Okay? So with humans, okay, so we don't have an actual ranking on our, on our shoulder, but it's still there. And you know, the little dark thing that I try to remind people is like, if you've ever heard good news about a friend, about a friend who succeeds and a little part of you dies, and you're like, oh, that's the. Am I enough? That's the ranking system working for you because subconsciously you feel like their ranking went up and you went down. And that doesn't feel so good, right? But the Fact of the matter is, we live in times when the ranking really doesn't matter. It has nothing to do with access to food, betting in the trees, or even mating opportunities. Because now there's just such a hyper abundance of all these things that nobody has to go without. But it's still this programming in the back. So the one thing you can do is you can basically disempower it by shifting all the energy into how can I be the light? How can I serve, right? So when I'm teaching public speaking, the number one question I ask from people is, hey, how can I get rid of the stage jitters? This is scary. I can't do this, right? Everybody's got stage fright to the point that they rather die than be on stage. And that's not an exaggeration. And I tell them, look, it's not about you, right? If you're going up there and you're thinking it's about you, then all these people are there to judge you. And that's going to be very, very difficult for you, right? But if you think, hey, I am here taking up an hour of these people time, how can I best be of service to them? If you look each one of them directly in the eye and you go, how can I serve? How can I serve? Is this useful to you? Are you understanding this? So that becomes in neurological terms an outward focus versus an inward focus. If you're inwardly focused, we're with your own internal feelings, you cannot win, you will lose, right? But if you're outwardly focused and you're thinking, hey, how can I serve? You look great. And also that helps you pay attention to people, which is inherently attractive and also track what they're doing and their responses to you, which allows you to be more versatile and speak more. I just finished this book called Talk, which is very interesting. It's just called Talk, which is about the science of conversation. And all these things are validated by science. So outward attention, focus on your interlocutor, the person you're speaking to. How can you be of service? It's not about you. All these things just instantly diffuse the. Am I enough? Because look, think about it. If you're giving somebody a world class massage, are they thinking, is this guy cool enough? No, they're just like, this is awesome, right? So imagine how your presence is in somebody's sphere can be like that world class massage, right? And if somebody doesn't want that, that's totally cool. You know, you have an offering, you know, it's a good one. It's just not the right time or place for it. It's not a fit. And always think in terms of it's not a fit. Don't think in terms of I'm not good enough. It's all about fit. Because everybody has had the experience of finding someone that they thought was like just perfect for them and end up not being a fit, end up being the wrong person, end up causing more pain than joy. So think in terms of fit instead of Am I enough?
- [20:26]
Connell Barrett
You struggle with dating, right? Sure, you have a good job and cool friends, but you just aren't sure how to flirt. The apps don't work for you, and sometimes women put you in the friend zone. It's frustrating. Hey, I struggled with dating too. As an introvert and a total nerd. I didn't just live in the friend zone, I owned real estate there. But I escaped using the dating philosophy of Radical Authenticity, which I've used to help thousands of men in 17 countries find love. It's what I wrote about in my best selling book Dating Sucks, but yout Don't. And Radical Authenticity is why Psychology Today called me the best dating coach in America. And now I want to personally help you attract your dream girlfriend. So go to datingtransformation.com and book a free call with me. On our call, I'll tell you how my one on one coaching will help you find your dream girlfriend and you'll be doing it by flirting with confidence and authenticity. No creepy pickup tricks needed. So go to datingtransformation.com, book a free call today and let my personalized coaching help you get a great girlfriend. I have to ask you this as a you're a Harvard graduate, you're an MD hypnotherapist, so you're the perfect person to ask. I've always had this theory, or maybe I absorbed this at some point. And let me ask you right now. The idea of fear of public speaking and by extension the concept of social anxiety and quote unquote approach anxiety, walking up to somebody and wanting to take a chance at some kind of social love or at least acceptance and the fear of that is it? Is there any connection to our 200,000 year ago selves where social rejection could mean you're out of the tribe and therefore dead on the savannas of Africa. Is there any sort of evolution that can create that fight or flight feeling?
- [22:18]
Dr. Ali Binazir
Absolutely sir. You hit the nail on the head. So a big part of being an effective human is to never discount your own feelings, right? So Even as you're going to that toilet stall and vomiting from a panic attack.
- [22:30]
Connell Barrett
Right.
- [22:31]
Dr. Ali Binazir
So it's trying to tell you something.
- [22:33]
Connell Barrett
Right, Right.
- [22:34]
Dr. Ali Binazir
And a lot of what I teach as a happiness engineer is that we have these minds and bodies, Paleolithic minds and bodies, that are maladapted to modern environments. And yes, in olden days, you're a member of a tribe and social rejection could have been much more serious. You could have been expelled from the tribe. And expulsion from the tribe was basically, you die because we were highly interdependent. Whereas now, you know, there are tribes aren't quite so discernible. And even if you're expelled from your tribe, you can still go to Whole Foods and get some food. So. So that is very real. And so when people feel that the last thing you want to do is to demonize and say, oh, I'm such a wimp, I am so not enough, I'm so not cool. That's totally real. Now there's a spectrum. And if you are going into a bathroom, salt of vomit before every time you approach a cute girl, okay, there's some work to be done there. But also realize that neuroplasticity is one of the great triumphs of human existence. Whoever you are right now is a pattern of connectivity of your neurons. And as clinical hypnotherapist, as friend, as teacher, I can guarantee you those connections are subject to change. You can change them. You can learn something new. You can do new stuff that changes your behavior. You can have a little, do a little phobia cure treatment that basically gets rid of a phobia forever. So, you know, people walk into my clinic, you know they've been smoking for 15 years, an hour later, they never smoke again. How'd that happen? Neuroplasticity is real. So wherever you are in your dating and relationships journey, if you think, oh, I'm such a wimp when it comes to girls, I cannot do this, believe me, there is room for improvement. Are you going to instantly turn into like super Casanova? Maybe not. But maybe that's not your goal either. And the point is, there is an upward trajectory to be followed if you do some simple things and you stick to it.
- [24:31]
Connell Barrett
Absolutely. So that was the 38 year old me 15, 16 years ago. Now when I go out with, so I go out with clients, I'm. I'm their infield wingman, talking to women, helping them approach. I'm basically hitch with them. And now, and I say this not to brag, I better be able to do this as my job now. I like walking up to women. I. It's fun for me. I've enjoy. I enjoy it. Not only is it not about my identity anymore, it's about how I can make her night better, how I can make her smile, and how I can give the gift of my personality to her and see if there's a connection. And if there's not, hey, at least I can have a fun conversation. Are you saying that in the. Over the years of my working on this, that my. My neuroplasticity was altered and. And now I have new behaviors and new. For lack of a better term, I kind of rewired my mindset. Is that fair to say?
- [25:23]
Dr. Ali Binazir
Absolutely. I mean, look at the contrast, right? It went from something of abject terror to being something of pleasure. What's the difference between those two? It's night and day. So if Connell can do it, if I can do it, then almost everybody can also do it. It's also about applying yourself. You decided that this was important to you, so you did the things that you need to do. It's also about kind of reconfiguring in your mind, okay, what is the value that I'm bringing to this interaction? And if you're thinking, oh, I'm just going to go burden this person with my presence, I hope they don't, like, run away. I hope they don't run away is a pretty low bar, right?
- [26:01]
Connell Barrett
Yeah.
- [26:02]
Dr. Ali Binazir
And I also tend to think that we create our reality as we think. So, you know, what's the difference between that and thinking, wow, how can I make her a day?
- [26:12]
Connell Barrett
Right.
- [26:12]
Dr. Ali Binazir
Yeah. These are two very different mindsets and attitude. Mindset, belief system that directly affects your behavior. So in the Dao of Dating, which is the book that you referred to briefly, so I talk about this hierarchy of the human brain operating system. So you have beliefs.
- [26:33]
Connell Barrett
Right.
- [26:34]
Dr. Ali Binazir
And beliefs are things like, I'm intrinsically worthy to hang out with. I have something to offer. I can brighten people's day. I'm the best choice somebody can make for hanging out with anybody.
- [26:48]
Connell Barrett
Right.
- [26:49]
Dr. Ali Binazir
And beliefs are made up anyway. All the negative ones you have are made up. So why not make up ones that are extravagantly positive? Because the belief then manifests in terms of attitudes. And attitudes are the way you hold yourself and the way you behave around people. And then the attitudes turn into actual behaviors, and this cascade comes down. But it starts from the belief. So what are the core beliefs? How can we make them such that they serve you? And if they're not serving you. What can we do to change them?
- [27:19]
Connell Barrett
That's great to hear all those things. I always sense those things and I read those kinds of observations from people such as yourself. But being able to talk to a doctor, quite literally about this, a Harvard graduate, is really fascinating to me. And I guess that's the message I want the listener to take in and say, hey, you might be petrified right now, it might be terrifying for you, the idea of going up to a woman, but you can change it. You can change it.
- [27:46]
Dr. Ali Binazir
And look, I appreciate the kudos about. I went to Harvard undergrad, went to medical school. And the thing that you should focus on is I was the guy who is not very good at this. Okay? So I moved to this country from Iran and at the time you may have noticed that Iran is a theocracy, so Islamic Republic of Iran. And so boys and girls have separate schools for the entire duration of schooling.
- [28:14]
Connell Barrett
Right.
- [28:15]
Dr. Ali Binazir
So guess what I had very little exposure to when I moved to the US Girls. So here are these beautiful, mysterious creatures and I have no idea what to do. I was a virgin until age 23. It took me a while to figure. I had my first kiss at 19. So the point is there is a path. You can learn these things, you can get better at it and so long as you understand why you're doing things right. So it's very easy to also learn these techniques and say, oh, I'm just going to do this and it's going to be great. I'm going to have my own harem and stuff like that. As long as you understand that you're here for A, your own well being and B, also enhancing the well being of everybody around you, you basically cannot do wrong.
- [29:01]
Connell Barrett
I would love to talk, hear more a little about your, your early dating efforts because you sound so much like the younger you sounds like the guy who I coach and basically I coach a younger version of me. Essentially that's who tends to be drawn to my philosophy. And can you talk a little bit about 19, 19, 20 year old you? Did you talk to women? Did you, did you have dates? Did you, did you clam up? What were you like back then?
- [29:31]
Dr. Ali Binazir
Right, so I've probably never been a shy kid. So I talk to people, it's totally fine. But if there's, you know, a cute girl that I want to talk to, then it becomes very, very difficult. And I remember, you know, there were these crushes I had in junior high and high school and I would literally never speak to these women because they Were so distant. I just had no game plan. I had no idea what to do, Right? And I had a lot of friends who were attractive women, and they would let me into their lives, but I had no path for turning that into a romantic thing until one of them came along, and she had such a big crush on me that she basically hit me upside the head and was like, hey, dummy, don't you get it? I'm like, oh, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. So that is part of the impetus from which all these books that I wrote arose, which is that, look, I went through a lot of pain. It was a lot of suffering. Because you're sitting there, you know, you're reasonably attractive person, you're interesting to be around, you're smart, and nothing's happening, and you've never had a kiss. You're like, when is this gonna happen? You know, my genes are gonna die. My line is never gonna propagate. And you realize, oh, there are solutions. There are things that you can do.
- [30:49]
Connell Barrett
And.
- [30:49]
Dr. Ali Binazir
And so. And a lot of it was informed by my whole study of Daoism. And daoism is a lot about the yin and the yang. So yin being feminine energy and yang being masculine energy, and the interplay and the dynamic within them. So everybody's seen the yin Yang symbol, you know, the white side, the black side, the little dot of white and the black, the little dot of black and the white. And I realized, oh, there's a pattern here. There are certain things that you can do to change the energy of the dynamic, such that it's like, no, no, I Tarzan, you Jane. This is what is happening now. And to create some kind of flow of energy which is much more sexual and romantic in nature as opposed to, hey, you seem like a nice person. Can we hang out?
- [31:36]
Connell Barrett
Right?
- [31:38]
Dr. Ali Binazir
So. And a lot of it is about just being willing to lead. So, guys, here's the deal, okay? So the deal is that that phone you have is never going to ring of its own accord. Never. No woman is ever going to say, hey, hot stuff, big boy, take me. Just not happening, okay? And don't expect it to happen, right? So you may think that's a downside, but that's actually the upside. The upside is you. You get to lead, you get to write the story. You get to create the life that you want. When it comes to dating, love, relationships, all these great things, okay? So in my life so far, the number of times that a woman has hit on me, I can count on probably less than one finger, okay? It just doesn't happen.
- [32:31]
Connell Barrett
Half a finger, a knuckle.
- [32:34]
Dr. Ali Binazir
Exactly. So. And you know, I'm not proud, but them's the brakes. And for most guys who are kind of average looking and are not Brad Pitt, that's kind of the way things go, right? So guess what? You get to design your own destiny. You get to be the one that approaches. So, you know, a lot of times guys complain. It's like, oh, why do I have to be the one who approaches? Has to be witty. Get the number caller. It's like, no, no, no, no, no. That is the wrong attitude. You get to be the one who approaches. You get to be the one who says, hi, is witty, charms her, gets her number, asks her out on a date and makes stuff happen. Because what's the alternative? You get to be the one sitting by the phone and watching it not ring for your entire life. And that's often the fate of a lot of women, because somehow society has deprived them of the right to take initiative, which I think is ridiculous and nonsense. And that has been changing. That's good. Especially with various changes in these dating apps like Bumble. It says, okay, actually, you must take initiative, right? But still, the idea is that, dude, captain of your destiny, you get to do this, and you get to be good at it. And guess what? The thing that makes a man most attractive is the ability to lead. So you lead every phase of it. You lead the approach, you lead the number, you lead the first kiss, you lead second one first. Second date. You lead, you know, getting intimate, you lead the proposal, whatever it is that you want, right? And as soon as you realize that that is who you are and there is no way around it, things get a lot easier.
- [34:10]
Connell Barrett
So that same night back in 2009, when I had my panic attack in the men's room stall, 90 minutes later, I had one of the great wins of my life. It's in my book. I'm not going to repeat it. I talked about it for a whole podcast two episodes ago. But the CliffsNotes version is Ali. That I connected with an incredible woman named Kelly, and a couple Wall street guys tried to steal her away from me, and I took her back, caveman style. And for the first time in my life, I made a woman swoon.
- [34:39]
Dr. Ali Binazir
Oh, nice.
- [34:40]
Connell Barrett
I never made a woman swoon before. And that was the moment that made me say, hey, wait a minute.
- [34:44]
Dr. Ali Binazir
Wow.
- [34:45]
Connell Barrett
Maybe when I make the right actions with the right energy, women respond to it. So that's like the highlight reel from my past. What about you? What is a ESPN dating Highlight moment from your past where you realized, hey, I'm starting to get this whole Dao of dating thing.
- [35:04]
Dr. Ali Binazir
Wow, there are so many. I don't even know which one to pick, really. Which is my way of saying, I can't think of any one thing immediately.
- [35:12]
Connell Barrett
Too many ladies, you know.
- [35:17]
Dr. Ali Binazir
Pimping, or.
- [35:17]
Connell Barrett
Just a time in your life maybe when you finally had abundance, you had some options and didn't feel scared.
- [35:22]
Dr. Ali Binazir
There was an era where things were going a lot better and finally I had a clue, right? And the epiphany at the time was that there was nothing wrong with 19 year old me. There was nothing wrong with 23 year old me. It's just like saying, hey, you can't make a frittata right now and therefore you're a horrible person, right? But then when you finally get the recipe for the frittata and you chop the vegetables and you throw in the eggs and you mix it up and you bake it and it works, you're like, that wasn't so bad. And can you make your frittata again? Yes, you can. Can you make it a hundred times? Can you make it better each time? Yes, you can. So it went from being this hoping to stand in the middle of the field and be struck by lightning phenomenon to oh, this is a reproducible thing, right? And then that's when you start to realize you have responsibility. You're doing these things that are charming women, bringing them into your life, making them having extraordinary experiences, right? And you're doing it with what kind of intention Is this an experiment? Are you having fun? Are you, are you playing with their hearts? What's going on? Because on the other end, they're having this really intense experience. So I always hearken back to this line from the Little Prince by Antoine de Saint Exupery.
- [36:47]
Connell Barrett
Right?
- [36:48]
Dr. Ali Binazir
So have you read the book?
- [36:49]
Connell Barrett
I have.
- [36:50]
Dr. Ali Binazir
It's great, right? It's a great book. And you know, there's a part where I'm not quite sure the dialogue is between like the snake and the boy or the flower and the boy. But it's. Anyway, it's a dialogue and he says, you are responsible for everything that you tame for the rest of your life. And you're like, huh? What does that even mean? And here's the idea. Like, you guys, you acquire these skills, you get good with the ladies, you go and, you know, have a couple makeout sessions, have a, have a couple of dates, and guess what? You're like getting inside their hearts. You're, you know, creating the Space in there, the sacred space which is meant to be protected, right? So think, think of it in that way. You want to be the guardian of their hearts, right? Not the one who tromps on them and keeps on going, right? And that's what Essentics du Bellier is talking about when he says, you know, you are responsible for the rest of your life, for everything that you tame. If you've tamed them brought into your life, guess what? Now you have emotional responsibility for their well being. So, you know, the point is a lot of guys start from a state of lack, right? And they're like, oh, struggle. So get something right. And they get it and they get good at it. It's like, oh, okay, hyper done brought this ring, ring. And then they forget this part. And this part is super important. And yeah. And, and you know, I, I learn a lot of these tools, but I use them sparingly because I don't know if you played Doom when you were, when you were young, but a lot of these. Doom was this one of the early.
- [38:25]
Connell Barrett
It's like Dungeons and Dragons or a video game.
- [38:27]
Dr. Ali Binazir
Doom was this first place, first person shooter game, one of the very early ones in the early 2000s. Super popular and very compelling. But you know, there's a setting where you start to get bigger and bigger weapons, right? And finally you get a rocket launcher, right? And if you are close to a wall and you hit the rocket launcher, you know what happens? You annihilate yourself. You die, right? So the point is, be careful with these tools lest you hurt and annihilate yourself.
- [39:02]
Connell Barrett
So what about the tool of happiness? Is there a way to. Because you're an expert in dating, but also the art of happiness, as I understand it. And how does a single person, male or female, man or woman, how do we become happy before we find our person when we're out dating trying to find that person, right?
- [39:25]
Dr. Ali Binazir
First of all, I just want to make it very clear that making yourself happy is the single most altruistic thing you can do for the world. A lot of people think, oh, that's so selfish and focused on me. It's like it's all about. But no, no, when you are happier, that radiates out through your whole network of associations and friendships and it affects the world. And I'm not making this up. So there's this great paper written by Nick Christakis and Janie Fowler and they went and studied this community in Framingham, Massachusetts. And they basically saw, okay, what happens when this person quits smoking? It's like, boom. Suddenly this wave of smoking cessation propagates through the network. What happens when this person loses weight or gains weight? Boom. Suddenly this wave of weight loss or obesity just starts propagating. So if you quit smoking, it's like 38% more likely, or if actually it was like weight gain, if you gain weight, it's 38% more likely that your friends are going to gain weight and then 90% more likely that a friend or friend who doesn't even know you gains weight. So everything we do propagates like a ripple effect through all of society. So when you're happier, that helps other people lift their level of happiness too. But also you just become the kind of person that people want to be around. What's more powerful than that? If you are this fount of like joy and positivity, who doesn't want more of that? It's like, no, actually I was looking for somebody really grumpy and mean, said no one ever. So what you want to do is you want to focus on that happiness and happiness, that word. Sometimes people will say, oh, happiness. Jumping through the fields. What's that all about? And I prefer to think of happiness as more like this long term thing. So technically there's like, you know, the short term hedonic happiness and then there's the long term eudaimonic happiness. And so we want this thing about contentment and being fully present in the moment and being okay with the way the world is. And basically everything I teach is some kind of backdoor into meditation because that's what really gets you there. It's about training your mind such that you're able to see this present moment as it is as opposed to the way you want it to be. Because that is basically the essence of unhappiness. Wanting this moment to be different than it is, you know, dude, you know, bump your car, it just happened, right? You can say, oh, shouldn't have happened, but it did happen. So just flow with that, right? Girl didn't return your phone call. Guess what? You can't say it didn't happen. And 13.8 billion years of history has led up to this present moment. So you and I trying to fight that, it doesn't look like a winning proposition. So find this present moment and make your peace with it. And that is the number one way you can, like move towards happiness. And then you train your brain via meditative practices. I do 30 minutes a day every day. But if you can do 2, 2 moves, a needle, 10 even better. 20 is like an optimal dose. But when you retrain, when you meditate, what you're doing is you're taking one step back from you and looking at your thoughts and your emotions as if they're just happening, which they are. Because if you can observe your thoughts and emotions right, then that means you are not them. In the same way, you can look at clouds and realize, I am not a cloud. You can look at your thought of slight pissiness because somebody took your parking spot and go, oh, I am not the pissiness. I am experiencing some pissiness. And that's interesting. And you can get curious about it. They can feel curious. And that's very different from being pissy. So the more you do that, the more you able to step back and realize, oh, wow, I am the observer of this world and what is happening to me, I am not this. Then things get a lot easier.
- [43:11]
Connell Barrett
Exactly. I think I first heard that concept from Eckhart Tolle. The idea of stepping back and watching your thoughts and not being pulled into the emotional story that your thoughts might make you feel right and saying, I'm feeling pissy right now, or I'm feeling rejected, or I'm feeling happy and, and not that you shouldn't feel happy, but not getting too high or too low based on the. The mental thought you're having. And are you familiar with Atoli's work or is that. Is it like a. Yeah, that's probably a 2000, 5000 year old bot.
- [43:46]
Dr. Ali Binazir
Yeah. I highly recommend his stuff. It's not necessarily new, but the way he packages it, we explains it's incredibly lucid. So you know, he was. His book A New Earth, it was on my list of best books I read in 2024. The 24 best of 24. Yeah, you should put that in the show notes. People would like that. And. And his, his other book, the Power of Now, is supremely powerful. Anytime I have some major life change. Bad breakup. Oh, bad breakup. Pretty good. There are no good breakups. They're all bad breakups. Whatever it is that's happening, that's like a big challenge. I go back to that. I read it and it really rearranges my stuff. My current favorite and the one that I refer to and the book that I have given away the most copies of is Michael Singer and the Untethered Soul and the Journey Beyond Yourself. So he is incredibly lucid. You can go listen to his podcast for free. Obviously you want to get the book. You want to. I also highly recommend his three audiobooks on Audible in which he just explains things with such clarity that it's impossible to avoid. So if I may share the basics, the basis of happiness, it goes something like this, right? So we all have one problem and only one problem, and that is that we don't feel right on the inside. So we try to change the world outside to feel right on the inside. And that is never going to work. It's like trying to change the temperature of your home by fiddling with the AC in your car. Not happening. So what's the solution? The solution is just relax and release. Like, be present in the moment. Realize you're. If you're not feeling that great, it's because you're holding onto something. Recognize that and just let it go. And just be fully present and let. Let the energy flow through you, whatever it is. But that whole notion of one problem and trying to fix it, that is the path to liberation for a lot of people right there.
- [45:43]
Connell Barrett
I found something about you before we hopped on the call. Is it true you read a couple hundred books a year?
- [45:50]
Dr. Ali Binazir
Exaggerated. Just 150.
- [45:51]
Connell Barrett
So 150 a year. Okay, so every one or two, every two or three days you knock out another book.
- [45:56]
Dr. Ali Binazir
Yeah, unless I'm laid up in bed recovering from surgery, which has been for the past week, in which case I'm reading a little more than that.
- [46:03]
Connell Barrett
Okay. How are you feeling?
- [46:05]
Dr. Ali Binazir
Fabulous. I've got my, my luxury crutch here, which I'm not quite sure how the ladies are going to resist, but, you know, we'll see. We'll see.
- [46:15]
Connell Barrett
Luxury.
- [46:16]
Dr. Ali Binazir
And that is the sound of one crutch falling.
- [46:19]
Connell Barrett
Are you. That sounds like a joke. Are you, Are you a audiobook guy? Are you a old school book guy? Kindle? What's your. How do you consume your books?
- [46:29]
Dr. Ali Binazir
This is a whole separate discussion I get into, but briefly. So I always have one audiobook running when I'm in the car. And living in la, you spend a fair amount of time in the car. So I usually finish one audiobook for a week and then I'm reading ebooks the rest of the time. So that's like two or three books a week via ebook form. So.
- [46:48]
Connell Barrett
Gotcha. Few final, short, short answers, short question, short answers. In our last couple minutes here. This has been fantastic. I could talk to you for another two hours, but I want to be respectful of your time. Other than the five hidden love questions, what is the one book every single, every single man should read?
- [47:13]
Dr. Ali Binazir
Wow.
- [47:13]
Connell Barrett
Just.
- [47:14]
Dr. Ali Binazir
Can I, can I, can I say more than one?
- [47:17]
Connell Barrett
Because there's so many good.
- [47:20]
Dr. Ali Binazir
There's so many good ones out there. So I highly recommend the Way of the Superior man by David Data, which you may have encountered just because it really puts in that idea of masculinity and you know what you should be doing. You're a guy. How is this, you know, is this world going to come serve you and you're going to go out there and get it right? You know, so in those terms, I think it's very powerful in informing the consciousness of young men who have not had good male role models, good models of modern and powerful empowered masculinity as opposed to toxic masculinity. So I highly recommend the Way of the Superior man and for dudes. So what's the end goal here? Just be better at their dating lives.
- [48:12]
Connell Barrett
How about a non dating book that would help enrich their dating life. But it's not a dating book per se.
- [48:22]
Dr. Ali Binazir
Gosh. You know, I recommend this to a lot of women partially because most of my audience is women, but it's equally applicable to men, especially if you haven't had a very strong masculine role model. There's this book by Jeffrey Pfeffer and it's called the Seven Rules of Power. And Pfeffer is a long serving professor at the Stanford Graduate School of Business, the gsb. And he wrote a bigger book about power. Then he's like, you know what? People aren't reading bigger books. I'm just going to scrunch this down to its absolute bare essence. So this book is the absolute bare essence of what it means to wield power, right? And a lot of men that I know, a lot of good men that I know are not comfortable with wielding power. So if not, you need to read this because chapter one is something that's very near and dear to my heart. It says get out of your own way.
- [49:21]
Connell Barrett
Right?
- [49:21]
Dr. Ali Binazir
So are you apologizing for no good reason? Are you afraid of going up to someone lest you perturb their day? How are you getting in your own way, right? And also how are you not advocating for yourself? So as we discussed earlier today, right, this is both our privilege and our bane, which is that the world is not going to serve itself up to a platter for us, right? So you need to go out there and do what it takes. And a lot of it has to do with just being super savvy about where you can do well. So for example, for a lot of guys I recommend, you know, if you're not in the top 10% of good looking guys, you probably shouldn't be spending any time on dating apps because guess what, that's like a 9010 dynamic there. 10% of guys are mopping up all the attention and you're going to be like, really frustrated. So just don't go there. Don't go in a back alley to buy sketchy goods when you're trying to like get something when you can go to a store where things are much more reliable. So, so empower yourself by finding the right venues, by being in the right forum that presents you at your best, such that you can get the results that you want and then, you know, be unapologetic about it. This is, you know, you're, you're a human being. We are designed for pair bonding. So go after it. And if something doesn't work out, chances are very good it wasn't meant to be.
- [50:57]
Connell Barrett
Right?
- [50:58]
Dr. Ali Binazir
Especially if somebody does not choose you, then that is definitely not the right partner for you. I'm always surprised when people like super duper insist, like, no, this one has to work. It's like, no, they've given you the best sign that this relationship is not going to be great. You're not going to have a good power dynamic. And if you do all these things, you will probably end up doing well in that particular domain, but also just being much happier by exerting your power and creating more of the world that you can flourish in.
- [51:26]
Connell Barrett
Very well said. A couple final fun thought experiment questions for the man who came up with the trillion sided dice. One of my favorite thought experiences. You went to Harvard. If Harvard offered Dating 101, what would the curriculum be? Would there be pop quizzes? What would the homework be? What would you do for extra credit at Harvard Dating 101?
- [51:48]
Dr. Ali Binazir
Well, that's funny because the DAO of dating books is exactly that. So I wrote these books because I was an advisor at Harvard. Pre med advisor. And when we sit down with the kids, all they'd ever want to talk about was like dating and love and relationships and how little of it was happening on the Harvard campus. I'm like, that's interesting. Why is that? Oh, wait, I was that clueless kid. I get it. So if I give these people an organic chemistry manual, they will master what's in it. An ace the exam. If I give them a dating manual, they will master the material and ace the exam. So that's what the DOW updating is. It's basically this, this manual that lays out the curriculum for these are the skills you need. Because look, I'm super impressed that you're a nice person, that you're. Well meaning that you're well dressed. But unless you actually have vegetable chopping and egg mixing skills, and ain't gonna be no frittata.
- [52:39]
Connell Barrett
Right?
- [52:39]
Dr. Ali Binazir
So this is how we make the frittata. So step one is, let's go inside and examine your internal beliefs. If you think I am intrinsically no fun to hang out with, guess what? The world's gonna agree with you. Game over. So let's fix that. Okay, good. And let's do some things such that you're actually that person, such that you're fun to be around.
- [53:00]
Connell Barrett
Right.
- [53:00]
Dr. Ali Binazir
These things can change. Number two, attitudes. Let's work on those attitudes. Let's. Let's have them manifest more. Just by the way you stand, by the way you hold space around you, by the way interact with people, the attitude should be, I'm the best possible choice anybody could make if they want to hang out with someone. That's the attitude you're bringing to it. Okay, good. Now you got the attitudes. Let's get some behaviors going. So what's the behavior? The behavior is you want to take up space as you're speaking. So that's. That's the, you know, strength, competence, dominance, charisma. That's how you pro. That's how you project charisma. You want to use your voice. So before I train my voice, I probably spoke in this register much higher, using the resonance of my mouth.
- [53:44]
Connell Barrett
Yeah, I was like that too.
- [53:47]
Dr. Ali Binazir
Exactly. But now, you know, I'm going down here. And also, when you're speaking to people, are you like, okay, hey, how about we go do this? Hey, would that be fun? As opposed to leading and saying, hey, there's this great restaurant that just opened up. I'm free Wednesday night. Can you join me? Very different value proposition. The trying not to lose versus directing the situation, creating a new, compelling reality for people to enter into. I mean, how fun is that?
- [54:17]
Connell Barrett
Right?
- [54:17]
Dr. Ali Binazir
Lead the dance. Huh?
- [54:19]
Connell Barrett
Lead the dance.
- [54:20]
Dr. Ali Binazir
Lead the dance. Exactly. I mean, I use that exact metaphor in the book. So then you have the behaviors and all these things fit together. But also in that progression coming from, you start with the beliefs and the attitudes and the behaviors, and then you start getting results. But it's all about the be, do, have. You want to first be the kind of person you want to be. Right? So that's the internal stuff, the beliefs and attitudes. Then you start doing the do flows from the beliefs, and then you start to have the results that you wanted as opposed to the other way. Around, which is what a lot of people want. They want to have the girlfriend, they want to have the million dollars. So then they can be happy and then do the things that happy people do. That's not how it works. So be do have is the proper sequence.
- [55:03]
Connell Barrett
I love debrief.
- [55:05]
Dr. Ali Binazir
That will be the curriculum.
- [55:07]
Connell Barrett
Next question. Speed dating tip. But here's the trick. Here's the gimmick. Not the gimmick, here's the angle. It's a 30 second speed date. Your advice for a single person, male, female, whomever, 30 seconds. What advice are you going to give them to make a great impression in 30 seconds?
- [55:24]
Dr. Ali Binazir
Well, 30 seconds is not a lot. So I would offer them my charisma training such that at the very beginning of those 30 seconds, you are first of all sitting super upright. I guess I was slouching up to this point. I'm doing it too. It already makes a difference. It changes physiology, voice, how you feel. Absolutely everything. Okay, good. And now you're looking directly into the eyes of your interlocutor.
- [55:49]
Connell Barrett
Right.
- [55:49]
Dr. Ali Binazir
You're fully present. You have a little mischievous half smile. And what I would also encourage them to do is to start having the thoughts that give you the mischievous half smile before you even start. Because that starts to project that energy that, you know, it's like. And they're looking at you like, what's this guy got on his mind already? What's going on here? What kind of party is this guy living in perpetually? I want to be a part of that, right?
- [56:14]
Connell Barrett
Yeah.
- [56:15]
Dr. Ali Binazir
And then you ask them some kind of question. The question, I wouldn't say it's secondary, but it's, you know, it's. Once you do these things, this is already convinced a lot of stuff that you want, right? And you want to ask a question that's a no miss question that's going to make him feel great. Such as, you know, tell me about a moment when you absolutely triumph when you think it wasn't going to happen. Something like that.
- [56:38]
Connell Barrett
Right.
- [56:38]
Dr. Ali Binazir
Or you could also ask something more mundane like what's your favorite vacation spot and why? Or you know, what is the most fulfilling hobby that you have and why. But something ask for some kind of highlight moment. Because what people remember from these speed dates or any kind of interaction is this thing called a peak end rule. People remember the peak emotional intensity of the experience and also how it ended. If you have 30 seconds, they're the same. The peak and the end are the same. So evoke some kind of peak experience. There are many choices for that. And then they're going to go, yeah, I remember that guy. Because this is how the neuro. The neuro. Neurophysiology of memory works. So. And if you're remembered, you're more likely to be picked, but hopefully the dates. Dates are longer than 30 seconds.
- [57:30]
Connell Barrett
I learned what you just said that night. I went out to approach and that whole weekend, really, I realized, you know, it doesn't matter all that much what I'm saying, as long as I'm feeling good, the good energy, the good vocal tonality, I'm having my fun. And then paradoxically, when I'm not worried about what to say, how to say it, the better, more charismatic jokes, personality actually comes out anyway when I'm not trying to force it to come out.
- [57:55]
Dr. Ali Binazir
Absolutely. And you know, I also have this 100% effective thing that I have used, probably 100% effective, because I haven't used it that much. But anytime I've seen somebody who is like truly unusually exceptionally good looking and I go up to them and tell them exactly that, we end up being friends. It's kind of wild.
- [58:18]
Connell Barrett
Yeah.
- [58:18]
Dr. Ali Binazir
So just go up and say, I'm sorry, you are so unusually, just extravagantly beautiful that I just had to come over and say, hi, I'm Ali. How are you doing? And apparently that gets you started on a good foot, so.
- [58:32]
Connell Barrett
Absolutely. Well, showing that appreciation. You mentioned this on a different podcast I was listening a couple hours ago, just about the power of sharing a genuine appreciation for someone, how that makes them feel good and makes you feel good for giving it, Right?
- [58:47]
Dr. Ali Binazir
Absolutely. And also when you're doing it that way, you're exhibiting both humility because you're putting yourself in a kind of vulnerable spot.
- [58:55]
Connell Barrett
Right.
- [58:57]
Dr. Ali Binazir
But also incredible bravery.
- [58:59]
Connell Barrett
Right.
- [58:59]
Dr. Ali Binazir
It's initiative. So. And this is the essence of charisma. So charisma is this mixture of strength and warmth.
- [59:06]
Connell Barrett
Right.
- [59:06]
Dr. Ali Binazir
So strength, slash competence is the ability to get shit done is to be a man of the world, move things around, make stuff happen.
- [59:14]
Connell Barrett
Right.
- [59:15]
Dr. Ali Binazir
And warmth is that idea that I'm on your side, I'm on your team, I am your protector, I am your ally.
- [59:22]
Connell Barrett
Right.
- [59:22]
Dr. Ali Binazir
And when you deliver a compliment like that, you're boom, mashing both of those to get those two together in this really powerful package. And it really works if you're faking it. Not going to work so well. But if you're actually delivering pure appreciation, then you're in business.
- [59:36]
Connell Barrett
Last question. You can get new. You can get into a time machine and go back and visit your 19 year old Ali self. What is the one piece of dating related romance related wisdom you would like to share with your younger self?
- [59:55]
Dr. Ali Binazir
Have the humility to go and the humility and the initiative to go and speak to the guys who have this part figured out and recognize that this is not some alchemical, esoteric thing that's not accessible to you that has to happen and be and descend from the heavens. I mean it's been going on for like 3 million years. It seems a lot of lot of simple everybody seems a lot of people seem to figure it out. So just have the humility and the issue to go and ask these guys, hey, how does this work? And get good at it as opposed to waiting for stuff to happen.
- [60:33]
Connell Barrett
Fantastic. Well, you're all about appreciation. I want to say how much I appreciated you being here. This was fantastic. It was such a fun, brainy, intelligent, soulful, fantastic, fascinating conversation for anybody listening, whether it's a man who can find wisdom in what you offer or maybe a lot of my listeners have sisters, have female friends who might want to find out more about you. How can people learn about you, hire you, bring you into their world in some way?
- [61:03]
Dr. Ali Binazir
Fantastic. Excellent question. So the most recent book is called the five Hidden Love, Radically Effective Strategies to Date Smarter Own youn Power and Flourish, and I wrote it for an audience of professional women. However, if you just change the examples and make them male, it's the exact same stuff. It's about being a power. It's about personal power as a human so both men and women can benefit from that. You may find my offerings@taofdating.com and happinessengineering.com but most important, I am soon running these courses called Tune up your Life. It's all about getting your whole life together, not just this one part. So relationships are a big part of it. But there's also like, hey, are you doing meaningful work? Are you sleeping well? How's your diet and exercise? And are you meditating? How's your mind doing? So all these things together is what I call tune up your life. So people interested in that, please find me on LinkedIn. LinkedIn is good. And also just write me directly drallyb@taofdating.com also just dralleeppinessengineering.com but yeah, happy to be of service in any way that we can move you upward on that trajectory to give your best gift to the world.
- [62:26]
Connell Barrett
I love it. I love it. Thank you for joining us and thank you for listening. I know you have 8 million podcasts you could be Listening to right now. And you chose this one. That means a lot to me. I appreciate it. And here's what I want you to do, listener. I would like you in the next 24 hours, to walk up to an intriguing woman who's not somebody you already know, and give her a genuine compliment that somehow shares appreciation. In honor of our guest today, share your gift. The gift of your authentic self. The gift of a genuine, authentic piece of appreciation. And you might be pleasantly shocked at how good it's probably going to go. And no matter what, you're going to feel great after you do it. So go out there, take authentic, courageous action, and remember your future girlfriend. She's out there, and she is gonna love you. She just has to meet the real, authentic you. Until next time. And we're clear.
- [63:22]
Dr. Ali Binazir
I forgot the thing that I actually really wanted to plug. Can we put that in there?
- [63:25]
Connell Barrett
Yeah, absolutely. Actually, we're still recording, so I'll have. Yeah, let's. I'll do a quick countdown, and you can say it, and I'll just put it in the right spot.
- [63:35]
Dr. Ali Binazir
Cool. Beautiful.
- [63:35]
Connell Barrett
Great. Three, two, one.
- [63:40]
Dr. Ali Binazir
And the product that I have that I believe is most helpful to men these days is my course called Super Charisma, how to be a Transformative Speaker. And the way to think about it is that is there any time in your life when you'd like to be less charismatic, maybe not more charismatic? Okay. So this is the basis, the neurological, the scientific basis for charisma. How you can project it, how you can use the various faculties. And through the three channels, the vocal channel, the verbal channel, and the visual channel, basically change the world around you in a way that is transformative, both for you and your audience, whether it's in the context of public speaking or whether it is in the context of just dating. Because they're basically the same thing. You're never not public speaking unless you're speaking to a mirror. So I encourage guys to go. And by the way, the first 10 lectures on that are free and open to the public. Go check it out, use it, make yourself better, and then sign up and let's get you going.
- [64:38]
Connell Barrett
That's a great idea. I would love to have you to come back on at some point and talk all about the art of charisma. Because I know for a fact that everyone has a charismatic side. It's just about having that person unlock their charisma.
- [64:53]
Dr. Ali Binazir
Absolutely. And again, it's a skill that can be learned. Neuroplasticity is your friend. I don't care if you are a 75 gram mouse. And you think, oh, I can't have charisma. You too can have charisma. And the thing is, you can. Wherever you are, you can increase it. We're not promising anyone to be Barack Obama overnight. But guess what? Even he used to really be really bad at what he did. And he got better. So can you.
- [65:21]
Connell Barrett
If a skinny, nerdy ginger like me who likes musical theater can be charismatic to women, anybody can.