Connell Barrett (0:00)

A woman's not going to fall for your resume, okay? She's going to fall for how you make her feel. Welcome back to the how to Get a Girlfriend podcast. I am your host, dating coach Connell Barrett. I am your podcast dating coach, here to help you flirt with confidence, get more dates, and get a great girlfriend and do it all by being authentic. No toxic sketchy pickup artist moves needed. And I want to ask you if you ever struggle with how the heck do you talk to women? How do I flirt? What do I say? Why do I have dates? It seems to go well, but then she says, just not feeling it. And today I want to help you fix that issue and share with you what I call man to woman communication, which is a turbocharged form of flirting that is, I wouldn't call it a quick fix, but it's really a superpower in dating. Once you are able to get on the wavelength of man to woman communication, you're going to get out of the friend zone and you're going to know what to say and do and it will make things go so much better both in person, but when you're texting, when you're approaching. Man to woman communication is like a lens through which you look at all of dating, communicate through all parts of dating. What is it? It's better for me to show you than to tell you, perhaps, or tell you a quick story I want to tell you about Trevor. Trevor is one of my clients from. Oh man. This is before my book came out six, seven years ago. And Trevor came to me because, because he was stuck in the friend zone. He called it Alcatraz. He was like, oh, I'm stuck in Alcatraz. Trevor was having date after date after date and women just kept saying, hey, I'm just not feeling it, but you're a nice guy. And then he had a date lined up with a woman named Becca. And Becca and Trevor, they actually had a little pre date phone chat just to sort of do a little chemistry test. And she even said to him on their phone call, she said, just so you know, the last three or four guys I've met haven't really been feeling it, so don't feel bad if, if we're not, you know, right for each other, if there's no connection, it was almost like a preemptive friend zoning. She wasn't doing it to play games. She was just trying to give him a heads up. She was actually trying to be, trying to be sweet because she just very, was very picky and I know a little Bit about Becca. Trevor told me she's a brunette. She's very pretty. She's a very successful chef at a fancy New York City Tribeca restaurant. Anyway, so Trevor had been struggling, but I was coaching him on man to woman communication. Okay, so he meets her at this bar. Becca's running a few minutes late. She says, hey, I'm running behind. I'll be there soon. Trevor texts her, well, just so you know, you're going to have to give me one free drink for every minute you're late. And I like the good stuff, so take your time, winky face. And she wrote back, lol. Okay, I brought my. I brought my credit cards. Then Becca arrives at the date, and there was a really telling moment Trevor told me about. She was talking about her weekend, what she had done. Shoe shopping, makeup shopping. Something that was a perfectly valid topic for a woman to talk about, but it wasn't helping the date. And one of the things I told Trevor to do is take leadership. Take a conversational leadership role. And if the conversation isn't conducive to a good date, step in, take charge. And in the middle of the story she was telling, Trevor said, hey, you know what? Let me jump in here. I've actually totally lost interest in that story, but let me tell you what happened to me this weekend. And then he told a story about his weekend, and he told me how scared he was in that moment to cut her off and lead the conversation into a different direction. He told me that she cocked her head and looked at him as if to say, did you really just interrupt me? But she kind of liked it. And then he did a couple other little moves. A light tease here, a sincere compliment there. And then about 15 or 20 minutes into the date, she crawled on top. Not on top of him, but she crawled over and sat on his lap and said, I want to sit on your lap. This looks much more comfortable. And they were all over each other. They were making out. She's sitting on his lap. The bartender, the people in the bar are, like, giving them the. All the get a room guys look. So what changed? Oh, and by the way, their second date was a couple's massage, and that was her idea. She said, hey, you know what we should do for our second date? I have a pass to get couples massage. Let's go get a couples massage. That was their second date. And you can imagine how well that went when the two masseurs left them alone in the room. It's a pretty good second date right now. Talk about getting out of the friend zone. So what changed? Well, what changed was that I was coaching Trevor on the art of man to woman communication. Women don't put us in the friend zone. As men, we do it to ourselves by playing it safe and by treating a woman more like a friend than a woman. And basically, Becca was saying to Trevor, thank you. Thank you for being that rare guy who teases me, who leads, who's authentic and sincere, who tells me I'm sexy, and who takes charge of the date. Now, by the way, I want to make an important point here. I. I am not repeat. I am not recommending that you shush woman women or interrupt them. That is not the lesson here. In fact, I probably wouldn't coach that to almost any guy. But in Trevor's case, it worked because he showed a sense of steel and strength. Take charge. He basically said to her, you know what? Your story is not helping our date. My story is more fun. And women love a leader. Women love a man who leads. And that's what made her so attracted to him in that moment, apart from them just having good chemistry. So why does this work? I want you to think of. I want you to think of there being three channels, Three social channels. There's pretty much only three social channels for all of your interactions with everyone in life. Everyone excluding your family. Taking family out of this, every single interaction you have with other people falls into one of three categories. Channel number one is friend to friend. This is a purely platonic channel. There's no sexual subtext when you're talking to a friend, right? This is just you and your buddy Mike talking about last night's game, right? So this is that friend to friend channel. Channel two is patron to professional. Basically business patron two, professional. Every interaction you have at work is channel two. Or if you're going shopping and you're buying jeans and the woman who is helping you try on some jeans at the clothing store at the mall. That's a business transactional conversation, right? So that's channel two. And then channel three is what I call man to woman communication. This is that romantic frequency. It's a frame. It's a social frame where your masculine energy and intent connects with her feminine energy. There's flirtatiousness, there's sexual tension, and it's an electric feeling that helps you both think and feel. Damn, there is something here. There are some romantic sparks here. So those are the three channels. Think about this. Every single social interaction you have with anyone outside of your family falls into one of these three. These three Channels. This blew my mind. When I first learned about and started to use this concept, I realized, oh, my God. Everything is either. It's either friend to friend, business transactional, or man to woman. And here's the problem. Most men are walking around, and by default, you're defaulting to friend to friend with women. When you want to be man to woman, mostly friend to friend. So you might meet a woman you're attracted to, and it's kind of like these. There's these three channels on a TV set, and you automatically default to friend to friend because you might think, hey, I want to be respectful. I don't want to be a creep. I don't want to say something wrong. And that's coming from a good place. But that can create a certain timidity, safeness that essentially puts you in that friend to friend channel, and that essentially tells women how to feel. So a woman just feels like, you know what? I'm getting more friend vibes from him. And then you get stuck in the friend zone. And I know this from my own experience. I was a lot like Trevor. I got friend zoned so many times back in the day, and I had to learn how to smash out of it. And so typically, what's happening is you default to friend to friend, or you might default to business and transactional. Have you ever had a crush on the cute Starbucks barista or the attractive bartender at your favorite bar? Well, if you've ever asked her out or wanted to, but leading up to it, all you did is talk about the business, the coffee, how busy it was, then you were in that business transactional frame, and then you might have asked her out, and then she said, oh, no, thanks, or I'm seeing somebody. She wasn't rejecting you necessarily. She. She was probably just saying, well, I don't know how I feel about you, because you and I have been having a business professional, transactional conversation, and now you're asking me out. She's basically saying, dude, you gotta be man to woman with me before I can decide how I feel about you. So this is good news. I want you to know this is good news, because what this means is that women who maybe have friend zoned you or women who just haven't seen you the way you want, it's not that you are not enough. It's that you're just on the wrong channel. You're on that friend to friend channel instead of the man to woman channel. That's what Trevor was doing wrong. The dates leading up to his date with Becca Trevor had been playing it very safe. Not flirting, not taking risks, not making any moves at all. Now, you might be thinking, okay, I want to be man to woman. But, Connell, what if I come on too strong? What if I make her uncomfortable? Well, that's a valid concern, and I'm glad you're thinking that way, because that shows what a good hearted, kind guy you are. But here's what I've learned after coaching hundreds and hundreds of men, one on one, actually thousands of men, one on one. And tens and tens and tens of thousands in a broader way, is women want you to flirt with them. Women want you to get on that man to woman channel. At least if they're. If they're on a date with you, they do. And often they want to. They want you to. If you're at a bar or if you're at the gym and you're chatting them up, they want to feel that sense of romantic connection and intention. As long as you're doing it with empathy and class and charm. Bottom line is, women are not looking for another platonic friend, okay? They've got plenty of friends. Women, beautiful, attractive, dateable women. They have their girlfriends, they have gay friends. They have some male friends. They're not looking for more of those. They're looking for a man to woman connection. And the real key to doing this is doing it with class, with authenticity, with emotional intelligence. You struggle with dating, right? Sure, you have a good job and cool friends, but you just aren't sure how to flirt. The apps don't work for you, and sometimes women put you in the friend zone. It's frustrating. Hey, I struggled with dating, too. As an introvert and a total nerd. I didn't just live in the friend zone. I owned real estate there. But I escaped using the dating philosophy of radical authenticity, which I've used to help thousands of men in 17 countries find love. It's what I wrote about in my best selling book, Dating Sucks, but yout Don't. And radical authenticity is why Psychology Today called me the best dating coach in America. And now I want to personally help you attract your dream girlfriend. So go to datingtransformation.com and book a free call with me on our call. I'll tell you how my one on one coaching will help you find your dream girlfriend. And you'll be doing it by flirting with confidence and authenticity. And no creepy pickup tricks needed. So go to datingtransformation.com, book a free call today, and let my personalized coaching help you get A great girlfriend. So let's get into it. Let me give you the three pillars of man to woman communication. Okay, here are the three pillars. Here's how we get on that. Man to woman frequency comes down to three core things. The first pillar is showing clear interest. This might sound obvious, but you'd be shocked how many guys hide their romantic intentions. They're afraid of rejection, so they camouflage their interest behind friendship or playing it safe. So they might ask a woman to hang out instead of I want to take you on a date. They might compliment her. I don't know, nice shoes. Instead of complimenting what a beautiful person she is or what, what a cool, interesting woman she is. And so the first rule of man to woman communication is making your interest crystal clear. Not in a vulgar way, just in a clear way. Think, think innocent, but crystal clear. I approached an incredible woman named Alexandra many years ago. And I remember I approached her. She was walking out of a Forever 21 with her friend. And I approached and I walked up to her and I said, hey, I just saw you and you're absolutely adorable. I had to meet you. The nice little smile on my face, just warm. And the key word was adorable. She loved it. Her face lit up, got her number, we went on a date or two. And I remember we were lying in bed and after the first time we were had sex, the first time we were intimate, and she said, you know what I loved about how you approached me? It was so innocent. And I thought that was hilarious that she said that to me in that moment because we had just gotten done having some wonderfully raunchy sex on pretty much every piece of furniture in my apartment. And it was after this. She said it was so innocent the way you approached me. So man to woman communication can absolutely be G rated. In fact, it should be at first. You don't want to walk up to a woman or be vulgar on a date, or vulgar. When you approach, don't make it about sex, don't make it about her body parts, but it can be, hey, you're adorable. I had to meet you. That's. That's disarming and innocent to women, but it's still intentful. It's man to woman because you're showing that clear intent. You're putting a card on the table, right? Or you're at a bar. You could be a little bit more PG at a bar than. Than when a woman is walking outside of a store on a Saturday afternoon. You can say something like, hey, you're absolutely stunning. I wanted to meet you, or you seem really interesting, or you seem like my type. I had to come say hi to you. Boom. That is direct man to woman intent. So clarity. Clarity does two things. Clarity eliminates confusion. She knows exactly why you're talking to her. Okay. A lot of women aren't quite sure why a man is talking to her. Now, she certainly has an idea, but she doesn't know for sure. So I like clear intent. When I'm approaching a woman or if I'm on a date and I'm starting to really like her, then I'm going to say, I like you. I really like you. Let's go out again. I want to take you on another date or I want to take you on a date. So you want to give women the gift of clarity. And that's part of. Part of man to woman communication, which I'll get to in a second, is leading. That's part of leading the dating dance. Men today, just like in the olden days, need to lead this dating dance. The MeToo era did not change that. We still want to lead the dating dance. Our jobs as men is to ask a woman to dance, so to speak. Her job is to say yes or no. Thank you. And it's fine either way. So the first rule of man to woman communication is clarity. I'm interested in you. Okay. The second pillar of man to woman communication is communicate emotionally with women, not logically. This is something men get very, very wrong for understandable reasons. Especially men like you, probably, and definitely like me. Men who are very logical, analytical. In very logical analytical careers, we tend to default to analytical, logical conversation. Sharing facts, figures, information, talking about things in a factual, logical way. And that is more in the friend to friend category. Okay. Or it's also more of a business, transactional, social frame. And man to woman communication, at its heart, is about emotional connection, not swapping information. I was on a first date once with a woman named Jessica. Second date. It was a second date, and we were talking a little bit about my job as a dating coach. The topic came up when I was dating last time I was single and dating. And the topic of my job came up, and Jessica said, we're sitting on a rooftop bar and she's looking around us, and she's basically speaking for all women. She says, we don't want to just. We don't want to go out and swap a bunch of information, trade information. We want to laugh. We want to have fun. We just want to have a good time. We want to be silly. Basically, she's basically saying, we're here for emotion, not information. And yeah, a woman's not going to fall for your resume. Okay? She's gonna fall for how you make her feel. And this means instead of telling her what you do for work, you know, you might instead want to talk about how your work makes you feel about what you do. You know, instead of asking her, instead of just asking her where she's from, you might ask her what it was like growing up, where she's from, or what she loves most about her home state or her hometown, wherever she's from. Yeah. So there's another client. I worked with a guy named Jacob. And Jacob is a big shot Beverly Hills plastic surgeon. And he made the mistake early on when he would approach a woman, he would talk about his job, his status through the lens of his title, his job, his status, thinking that would impress women. And on some level, it's impressive. Don't get me wrong. A woman certainly is more than open to dating a very successful doctor who. What woman wouldn't want to at least be open to that? But where he was going wrong as he was trying to impress her with facts, figures, and status as opposed to emotionally impacting her by talking about what his plastic surgery job, plastic surgeon job allows him to feel and do. So I made a correction with him. I said, hey, Jacob, no more talking about your job status, your cool, your cool position. Talk about how your job as a plastic surgeon lets you give back the passion you have for it. Why did you get, why did you get into being a plastic surgeon? He said, oh, I wanted to help people who had disfiguring scars, who had misshapen faces, who had like noses and all kinds of different medical problems. I wanted to help them overhaul their self confidence and feel good about themselves. I was like, dude, that's what you want to tell women. That is so attractive because it's emotion based and it's warm and generous and giving. And that changed everything for him. The way he talked about his job and women just lit up because he was lit up. Make sense? Anyway, so the second pillar of man to woman communication is communicate emotionally, not logically. Here's a quick way to do that. Simple, practical way to do it. One thing you can do is use the words love and hate when you're talking about something. So don't just say, oh, my favorite movie is blank Godfather. Say, oh, I love the Godfather because, you know, it's such a great, incredible film. Powerful. But I hate Godfather Part three because they, they didn't pay Robert Duvall enough to appear in the movie, and they ruined a great franchise. I'm a movie nerd. I'm always talking about movies. Use love and hate in your conversation. Sprinkle it in. Love is a powerful emotional word, right? But you can also say hate a little bit. I don't mean be negative. You don't want to be hate this, hate that, but it's fine to say, oh, I love. I love this kind of music, I love that, but I hate this. On my first date with my girlfriend, Jesse, she talked about. We both talked about how much we loved Italian food. We loved our families, but she said how much she hates ketchup, and I said how much I hate mushrooms. So we peppered in things that we disliked. Oh, we hate jogging. We hate, hate, hate jogging. We still watch people jogging past us and say, what's wrong with them? We don't like what they're doing. So it's okay to have some hate mixed in with some love in your conversation. This makes your conversation more compelling to women because women are addicted to emotions. Another thing you can do when talking to women is start off sentences with, here's how I feel. I feel this way. Here's how I feel. Here's how I feel about what you just said. Starting sentences with I feel primes your psychology and your. Your mind, your brain to start communicating in a more emotional way instead of what you might be doing now, which is defaulting to facts and figures. Okay. And another thing you can do is when you're done sharing how you feel about something, you can ask her how she feels. Wow. So today was your first day in your new job. So cool. How did it feel? How do you. How do you feel things are going? Don't say. How long did it take you to get the promotion? What is your new title? Or don't just talk about facts and figures. Get her to open up about how she feels. This is all part of the art of getting women to kind of not getting them to do anything but helping her feel the way she and you both want to feel, which is emotionally connected. All right? And the third pillar of man to woman communication is lead. Don't follow. Women are very attracted to leadership. Not dominance, not control, but leadership. This means you make decisions, or you at least lead the charge to make decisions. You take charge of interactions. You guide the conversation and the logistics. Just like that story I told you about Trevor. That was Trevor basically saying, I'm going to lead this conversation in a win win place, or try to anyway, and Becca loved that. She could feel that sense of leadership, and she could see that he was doing it with good intentions. Pretty soon, she was sitting on his lap, planning their sexy couples massage for date number two. How do we lead? Instead of asking, what do you want to do? You can ask a woman out by saying, hey, I know this amazing little wine bar. You and I are gonna go there. You're gonna love it. What night's good for you? So. Or instead of where do you want to sit? You lead her to the perfect spot. You know, instead of sitting down on a date and saying, so, what should we talk about? No, you decide what to talk about. You go first. You lead, Women follow. Women love a man who leads. Again, I'm not saying be pushy. Do not be pushy. Do not ignore her preferences. This is a collaboration, but it's also a dance. It's kind of like a date, just like dancing typically in dating. Sorry. Typically in dancing, men lead, women follow. That's a sort of a natural order of things generally. And leadership is about you taking responsibility for the both of you having the best time possible. And here's a really beautiful thing. When you lead with real certainty and confidence, she gets to relax into her feminine energy. She just gets to say, okay, he's taking the leadership role. I can just let go and be feminine, be soft. And that's man to woman communication. I dated a wonderful woman named Lorraine. She was my girlfriend at the time. And Lorraine has. At the time. Anyway, she had a very kind of natural, masculine side to her. Don't get me wrong, very beautiful, very feminine in a lot of ways. Very physically attractive. But she had kind of a little bit of a tomboy vibe. Now she's going to med school. She was not afraid to speak her mind. So she had masculine traits, but at the same time, she is a woman. And the first couple of dates, I planned everything to the T. I basically said to her, hey, you just need to show up and look amazing, which you always do. And she just could not. She just loved what a planner I was. She said it over and over again. You're such a good planner. You're such a good planner. And I was able to allow Lorraine, I think, to let go of a lot of her masculine traits and feel feminine, feel really pretty feeling, feel like a young woman as opposed to a young, professional badass chick. I got her to let go of that identity early on, which she wanted to do. So even if a woman has masculine traits, generally, I found that generally that women like to feel Feminine, at least in that courtship phase of dating. And okay, so let's go back to. Here's a good metaphor I like to use for man to woman communication. And this is more about the conversation. It's an EKG analogy. And this is in my book, if you want a good visual. Obviously this is a podcast, so I can't show you a good visual, but if you want to check out my book, dating sucks, but you don't. There's a couple of good visuals that show, like an ekg, right? This is a good concept for understanding man to woman communication, at least conversationally, the pure conversation of it. Picture a heart monitor like in a heart, like in a hospital, right? Like, you know those machines that show those heartbeat spiky lines that go up and down. A healthy heartbeat has a very steady baseline with those regular spikes and dips. Of course, if that line goes completely flat, that person is dead, right? So. And if it's spiking wildly all over the place, that person is having some kind of heart attack issue. And so I want you to think of your man to woman conversations with women the same way. Imagine like a healthy, normal EKG baseline. Most of an EKG is a normal, relaxed. Sorry, Most of an EKG is a normal horizontal line with those occasional spikes up and spikes down, right? Think of a good, like, first date conversation or first approach conversation. Or when you're texting a woman early on on the apps or off the apps, that baseline is going to look like an EKG. So what I mean by that is 80% of your conversation is going to be just normal, sincere, you being yourself, you being authentic normal you. And I would say about 20% of those spikes are going to be man to woman moves, for lack of a better term. Okay? Manda woman moves, right? And think of these as like positive spikes and negative spikes. The little upward spikes are going to be flirty comments, you showing interest, you teasing her. You may be doing some physical touch if that's what you and she like. So think of like positive spikes that are essentially flirting or showing your man to woman interest, okay? And then you also can have some negative spikes. And don't worry, I don't mean these are actually negative things. What I mean is they're little playful disarming things that playfully push her away. Playfully, not really playfully. And I'll give you an example here in a second. But negative spikes would be like a playful tease, challenging her, giving her a hard time about something silly, basically creating some tension. Right? On my first date. Let me Give you an example of a positive spike and a negative spike. On my first date with Jesse, my girlfriend, I remember saying to her, you know what's really sexy about you? You're so witty and funny. I'm trying to keep up with you. Usually I'm the funny one on the date, and I'm just trying to keep up with your. Your wit. It's very sexy. That's a big positive spike. I was putting a big man to woman card on the table, letting her know you are sexy. And here's why. Earlier in the date, I had teased her with some fun negative spikes. My book had come out, and I was teasing her and pretending that she was. She was like Annie Wilkes in the movie Misery, stalking me. An author, just like in the movie, an author. James Caan plays an author who is injured and essentially kidnapped by a crazy fan. And so I was teasing my girlfriend on our first date, saying, are you. Are you going to, like, tie me to a bed and basically torture me? I'm a little worried here. Those are negative spikes. I was teasing her. So. But most of our conversation going back to that EKG analogy was like horizontal, normal, horizontal conversation. Just me being genuine, authentic, sincere being myself. In other words, that's why I talk so much about authenticity and sincerity. Is that the normal, regular, authentic you is enough, more than enough, for so many women. But it's the negative and positive spikes, that's what creates the emotional and the romantic surges of good feelings that women like. It's a little bit like being on a roller coaster switching metaphors. I'm sorry, I'm all over the map here with metaphors, EKG to roller coasters. But anyway, I hope that all makes sense. So, yeah, so a conversation on a first date or an approach, again, 70, 80% normal, sincere, just you being yourself and then 10 to maybe 20% at most of those spikes. So, yeah, I might just be having a conversation with a woman. Oh, yeah. So I'm a dating coach. I've been doing it since 2013. 2012, 2013. I love it. I love helping men. Just kind of being genuine, talking about things I'm into. And then I might say, oh, by the way, you look really adorable when you, I don't know, bite your lower lip like that. That's really cute. Oh, anyway, like I was saying, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So I might give her a little compliment. That's a positive spike. Or maybe she tells me in a conversation I'm asking about favorite movies or favorite TV shows, and she says, oh, my God. I hated Breaking Bad. I couldn't get into it. And I might say. What, you didn't like Breaking Bad? The greatest TV show of all time? Okay, well, let me get the check. Clearly this is not going to work out, but it was nice meeting you. That's a tease. Negative Spike. But again, 80% of my conversation is going to be just normal chit chat. All right, so I like the idea of the ekg. That's a visual that I found to be very helpful. Okay, so let's talk about some practical tools to help you apply man to woman communication. I want to give you some nuts and bolts and some tools. Here. Here are three or four tools. Three or four techniques. Technique number one, and this can be on a date, Ideally, this would be a date, a first date, or you've approached and you're five, ten minutes into a conversation, like at a bar or at some kind of social event. Technique number one is the power compliment. What is a power compliment? A power compliment is a specific authentic compliment that tells a woman one of her traits is charming or attractive to you. Power compliment is you find her trait special. Sexy, charming, incredible. There's nothing wrong with less powerful compliments. You might say, oh, you look nice. Or you might say, oh, wow, you're, I don't know, you have good taste in music. That's fine. Nothing wrong with those compliments. But a really powerful compliment is telling her, telling a woman something special about her. Like the example I gave you when I told my then future girlfriend that her wit, her intelligence was just absolutely knocking me out and I found it sexy. So that's a power compliment. A power compliment can also be behavioral. Something about her is making you feel something as a man. Something about her womanness is making you feel something as a man. I briefly dated a wonderful woman from Peru. I'll call her Cassandra. And Cassandra was in New York. In New York for a brief period of time. We had a little short term, little fling. And I remember on my second date with Cassandra, I'm sorry, first date with Cassandra, she had this beautiful lilting laugh, very feminine. And I just found myself overcome with being charmed by her laugh. And I said, you have. You have. I just said, I love your laugh. Your laugh makes me smile. Your laugh makes my soul smile. I love the way you laugh. And I said it with a deep eye, you know, deep, strong, hopefully eye contact and a tone in my voice. That was man to woman, by the way. The way you use your voice is man to woman. Can be right. So I didn't say, I like your. I like your laugh. I said, by the way, I love your laugh, Cassandra. Your laugh makes my soul smile. Keep doing it with a little sly grin. And I could. I could feel her swoon a little bit. And that was the night. Oh, it was our. Okay, now, it was our second date. We did not kiss on our first date. Our second date, we did kiss. And it was not long after I gave her that power compliment. Compliment I made her, helped her to feel the way she wanted to feel. Very simple, right? These are not fancy moves, but they're honest, authentic and true moves. I was not just pulling this out of my non existent ass. I was telling Cassandra something I deeply felt in that moment. Anyway, Hey, I love your laugh. It is so cute. Adorable. It's making me feel. Making my soul smile. Keep doing it. And she. I could see her just get all. Starting to blush and swoon. And then we kissed later that night. Now, if I'd played it safe the whole night saying, oh, so how has your trip been going? Tell me more about Peru. Wouldn't have gone anywhere. Probably she would have said, well, nice guy, but I'm just not feeling it. So give a woman a power compliment. Okay? Power compliment. It's specific. It's. It's emotion based. And it's telling. You're telling her how she is making you feel and make it a trait. Make it about her. Her. Could be her laugh, could be her confidence, her wit, her ambition. Don't make it. Or just her overall energy. Don't make it about just her looks. Okay? If you can help it, try not to make it just about her looks because that makes it land more deeply. Technique number two, Playful teasing. Classic. A classic playful teasing. This is where a lot of guys go wrong. Either they don't tease at all, which is leaving a powerful tool in your. In your tool belt. We don't want to do that. Or they overdo it. They do it. They tease too much. Or they tease about the wrong things. So here's the simple rule on teasing. Tease her about silly, trivial things that a reasonable person could not take personally. Yeah, let's say she's five, ten minutes late. You can tease her about being, you know, hey, did you win Miss Punctuality in college? You know, you could tease her that way if she, if her favorite movie is like a cheesy movie. You could be like, no way. Your favorite movie is the Notebook. Oh, boy. Why do all the really pretty girls have the worst taste in movies? You could tease about Surface level things like being clumsy. I had a date once where this woman, Jen, she kept dropping sushi on the floor. She did it two or three times and I got to tease her about what a clumsy. How bad she is with chopsticks. No reasonable person is going to get upset because you tease them about being bad at chopsticks. Here's what not to tease women about. Don't tease them about how much they're drinking. Don't tease them about their ugly dog, because I did that once. Oh, man. I once told a woman her dog looked like a rat. She got really upset, understandably. So I screwed that up, obviously. Don't tease about things like weight or appearance. Stay away from that. Tease about surface level things or tease about totally made up things. Like I teased Jess about her being a. A stalker, like in the movie Misery. Obviously that was just completely absurd. So nothing for her to get offended by. So that's the art of teasing. Here's the thing to remember about teasing. Any tease has a deeper truth to it, and we want the deeper truth to be trivial and. And nothing she get upset about if you make fun. I had a client who, who teased a woman about being. Oh, God, don't do this. I had a client. The date was going great. She's a few years older than he is. He's in his early 30s, she's pushing 40. He teased her about being a cougar and that was not an established thing that they had already joked about. And she got upset. She basically ended the date because he's teasing about her being old or older. And that's something that she feels insecure about, understandably. So. So remember, every tease has a deeper truth. If the deeper truth is you're klutzy with chopsticks, you're fine. If the deeper truth is you're old or you drink too much, a lot of women won't be fine with that. So that's one rule about teasing. The other rule about teasing is less is more. Less is more. Think of teasing as pepper in a dish. Maybe salt, maybe if she really likes it. But it is not the dish, it's not the actual meal. It's just pepper. So less is more. Please take that lesson to heart because, boy, did I make that mistake. I used to think, oh, teasing, that's the secret to dating. I'll just tease, tease, tease. And I came off like an insult comic. I was insulting, I overdid it. It killed some otherwise good possible connections. I felt like a jerk. So less is more. Keep it Light, Very, very light. Okay, technique number three is let's go with being physical, physical expressiveness. Technique number three, physical expressiveness is just being free to touch a little bit on a date and maybe a little bit more if it's going well, and then noticing how she's feeling. Again, we don't want no physical touch. Man to woman communication should probably include some kind of physical touch, probably if a woman is relatively attracted to you and vice versa. Now, some women, it's going to absolutely depend on her given blueprint for what she's comfortable with and what you. What I like to do is if I'm on a first date or if I'm coaching one of my clients, I'm going to say, yeah, give her a nice warm, G rated hug at the start of the date if it's appropriate. Unless her body language is screaming, don't touch me, but give her a little friendly, quick little hug hello. And then small step, maybe a brief touch on her arm early when you're making a point. Maybe a high five that you hold for just a beat longer than normal. Maybe at some point you escalate things while noticing how she's responding to touch. You might take her hand and for a few seconds ask her about a piece of jewelry. Oh, hey, what's the story behind this jade bracelet? What's this about? And then give her her hand back. And of course along the way you're going to notice, is she reciprocating? Is she touching you back? When you do the high five and hold it, does she pull her hand away right away or does she hold it right up to yours? She's giving you a signal that she's liking it. She might lean into you. Oh, back to, back to Trevor. Trevor and Becca. On that amazing first date that Trevor had with Becca, he reported back to me, he said, yeah, you know, she, you know, I high fived her, she high fived me back. She threw her leg over his leg. This was before she sat on his lap and they started kissing. She at one point casually threw her leg up over his leg. They were sitting next to each other in this bar lounge, so it was logistically easy for her to do that. And their physical touch, they were both getting closer and closer and closer. And so you want to kind of think of like escalating stair steps of physical touch. Go up a stair step, does she like it? Go up another stair step. Does she not like it? Does she pull back, stay on that stair step or go one step back. Sometimes a woman needs a little Bit more time to be physically expressive with you. Or sometimes that's just not how she likes to flirt. And that's totally okay. So one size does not fit all here with physical touch. Some women love it. Some women, maybe some women. It depends on their mood. Some women, hell no. Do not touch me until date number two. Everybody's got their own blueprint, and that is totally fine. But you do want to at least test the waters here. And another really important rule of physical expressiveness, this might be the simplest, most practical rule, is have a reason for the touch, to make it not creepy and actually seem normal and confident. Have a reason for the touch. So in other words, don't just put your hand on her thigh and leave it there for 30 seconds without any sense of why you're doing it. Instead, you might, you want to have a reason for that touch. You might say, oh, whoa, what a cool tattoo. Can I see this? And you maybe briefly touch her tattoo or her, you know, where her tattoo is on her arm or. I, I, I liked to have a reason. Like, I, I've had a few dates over the years with women who, who either work out or in a couple cases, well, many dates with women who work out, but a couple cases with women who had just come from the gym or a couple cases, they were personal trainers. And we talked a little bit about physical fitness and hitting the gym. And I said, no way you're a trainer or you've been working on your training. Oh, make a muscle. I want to see how big your muscles are. She makes a muscle and then I just touch her bicep. It's a reason to touch. There's a reason. If she understands why you're touching and the reason is G rated at first, early on in a date, then it'll be fine. It makes sense to her. But if you just touch, because it's time to escalate physical touch, because that's what that weird toxic pickup guy on TikTok told me to do. That's going to make you seem really weird and creepy. So don't do that. Have a reason for the touch. And the last tool I'll mention, I already stated this essentially, but I want to say it again. This is really important. I want to give you the concept of the 8020 rule. The 8020 rule is this. 80% of your conversation with a woman on a first date or texting or approaching basically all parts of dating courtship in the first few dates. 80%, maybe more, but 80% at least will just be authentic, sincere conversation. You being you. You are enough. You do not have to be Mr. Perfect Game, Mr. Charismatic. Awesome flirting moves. 80% is just you being authentically, awesomely you. 20% at most is all these man to woman moves I've been talking about. That's 20% at most. 80, 20. It's not the other way around sometimes. Like, I had a client call recently where my client said, no way 80% can just me being. Can just be me being Doug. I can just be Doug. I don't have to do all these fancy backflip flirting moves. I said, absolutely. More Doug is better. We just want about 20% early on to have a little bit of that man to woman oomph, right? The tease or the joke or the compliment. But 80% or more should be just you being you. It's not the other way around. Less is more in this world. So think of like a cake, a delicious chocolate cake. The frosting is only, you know, the top 10 or 20% of it, the outer 10 to 20%. The frosting is what makes it delicious, really delicious. But if it's all frosting, ugh, that's way too much. That's way too much of a good thing. It's the same with flirting. It's the same with these man to woman moves. If your quote unquote man to woman moves are 50, 60% of the date, not only is that really hard to keep up, it's not constructive to connection. It makes you seem like a weird flirting robot instead of a normal, genuine person. And women want a relatable normal guy, not some charismatic flirting machine. So that's part of the, the thing that, that's a big secret. I want to make sure that. Not a big secret, but an insight I had to share with you. So, yeah, let me give you kind of a quick real world story from my own dating life about all of this in action. I was in Venice beach once, and I met this incredible woman named Valerie at a patio bar. She's a very ambitious fashion expert, very smart, very successful, just gorgeous, cool. And from the very first moment we started talking, I made sure I was on that man to woman frequency, right? I wasn't interviewing her about her job or just making small talk about the weather. Instead, I was being authentic myself, but along the way, creating those emotional spikes, right? Building tension, showing interest. And there are two moments that stand out from my couple of interactions with Valerie. First couple, in our very first conversation, I remember asking her, so what do you like to read? I love a woman who's into Novels and books, because I'm a writer, I'm a journalist. At the time, I was not a dating coach. And she said. And she kind of paused a little bit. Like, read? Well, yeah, I like to read. And she seemed to almost be getting nervous. And I said, oh, you can read, right? Please tell me you're not one of those beautiful but illiterate women who can only read her Instagram feed. So that's a playful negative spike tease, okay? She was laughing and joking. She could tell I was kidding. Obviously I wasn't actually accusing her of being illiterate. And she claimed she read these books. And we went back to our normal conversation. And then fast forward two nights later, we had our first date. About two hours on this patio bar in Venice. And one of the man to woman tools, I didn't talk about it that much here, but one of the mando women tools is eye contact, what I call wolfish eye contact. And I'm on this patio bar with Valerie and I just find myself growing more and more attracted to her. You know, it's been several hours at this point of us talking. We're on our first date essentially. And it wasn't so much what I was saying, but it was how I was looking at her. Because you're a man, she, she's a woman. And if you're attracted to her, you're going to look at her differently than you're going to look at a friend or a coworker, right? And at one point she said, wow, you're looking at me like I'm dessert. And that was a really powerful moment. And I don't remember what I said. I think I said something like, well, can you blame me? Look how stunning you are. You're the hottest woman here by far. And just very direct. And about a half hour later, we left the bar. Just so happens my hotel room was 300 yards away, less than that, probably a hundred yard walk away. So we leave the bar, we go back to my hotel, and we are still in the hotel lobby. I'm sorry, not lobby. We're still in the hotel hallway walking toward my room. And she starts unbuttoning her top. She starts taking off her clothes before she even gets into my hotel room. That might have been the sexiest moment of my life up to that moment. Just the visual of a woman basically saying, I am so attracted to you, I'm going to start taking off my clothes even though we're not in your hotel room yet. Now, I'm not saying any of this to Brag or to come off like I'm God's gift. All I did was allowed natural, normal, genuine chemistry to. To flower, to bloom, to ignite. I didn't do magic tricks. I didn't say magical lines, per se. I just got Valerie and I, we were on that man to woman wavelength. She felt feminine, she felt seen, she felt safe. I'm confident in saying she. Yeah, she felt turned on. Both because I was looking her, looking at her, talking to her, both with respect as a gentleman, but also as a wolf who was like, very attracted to her. And then we basically had a fling the whole week together. And that's what man to woman communication is about. It's about letting the natural state of things take its course. Okay, let's finish up with. I want to give you a couple of marching orders, things I would love for you to do on going forward beyond listening to this episode. Because you might be thinking, hey, this all sounds good, but what do I do now? Well, I have three things I want you to do. I want you to start practicing applying man to woman communication. Just like any other skill, it's like playing guitar or cooking or getting better at musical instrument. Right? It takes practice. So step one is I want you to practice using emotional language with people and of course, gravitating toward women. So I want you to start describing your experiences in terms of how they made you feel, not just the facts and figures of what happened. So instead of I went to a concert, you might say, I went to this rock and roll show. And the energy of the room was absolutely electric and you could feel everybody connected to the music. Right? And you can practice this with everyone, not just women you're attracted to. And the more natural it becomes, the easier it's going to be for you to use in a dating context. So mission number one is practice emotional language, or what I call man to woman emotional language. And you can also practice using phrases like I love, I hate, or I feel. How do you feel? Second mission is when you are interested in a woman, stop hiding your romantic intentions. If you find a woman attractive, let her know in an authentic G rated way. It's not creepy to let a woman know you're interested as long as you make it about her as a person, not just her body parts, or not just about sex. So let her know you can say things like, you're adorable, I want to take you on a date, or, or tell her what you find attractive about her. That's trait based, not just about her physicality. Although there's nothing wrong with being physically attracted to a woman. You. But what makes it feel more meaningful to a woman is, wow, he likes me for me, not just my physical attractiveness. Right? So I want you to show clear interest. Now, you have to read the room and adjust your behavior for a given context. Do not do this at work. Do not tell the office stunner, hey, I am really attracted to your sexy lips. No, don't do that. You're at work. Okay. Ask yourself, will this make the person feel comfortable or uncomfortable? Think about the context. Right. So say these things on a date or on a dating app or with your crush. Assuming you don't work with your crush. Okay, so anyway, use phrases like you're adorable or you know what's really charming about you, and then tell her what's charming about her. And if it's a woman who you do want to go out with and ask out again, assuming it's appropriate, assuming you don't work with them, then you can use that clear, simple language. Right? The first rule of man to woman communication is clarity. So you could just say, hey, I find you really charming and I want to get to know you better. Would you like to go on a date with me? It can be that simple. Clarity is way more important than clever. Can't tell you. I can't tell you how many women I've gone out with and all I did. And by the way, I have the clever gears. I can be clever and witty on my better days, but sometimes I just didn't have anything super clever or fancy, and I just said, hey, I'd like to get to know you better. Can I take you on a date? You're charming. I want to. I want to know more about you. Oh, my God. Women love that. Women love that. So mission number two is find ways to show a woman or women some clear interest, again, assuming it's appropriate in the context. And mission number three is with the next date you're on or the next woman you are interested in and you're, for lack of a better term, pursuing. Lead the interaction. Take charge of everything from logistics to conversation. Take the lead. You lead, women follow. So take charge of conversations. Take charge of logistics. Suggest where the two of you might go. Suggest what you might do. Lead the conversation. Don't ask for permission. Make positive assumptions. And along the way, if she needs to correct you or if she wants to jump in, fine. It's okay. I'm happy to let a woman lead for a while or lead with me, maybe take turns. But so I'm not. I'm not asking you to be a. You know, I'm not. I'm not asking you to overdo it, but you do always want to listen and show her you're hearing her. But essentially, I want you to lead the dance and get her. Check in with her and see how she's feeling about what you're doing. Again, this is not about being controlling or dominating. Not even close. I love when women ask me out. Or in the past, the few times they have. I love when a woman says, hey, I want to take you out. Oh, man, that's the best you can. Sadie Hawkins. Me all you want, ladies, if I was single. But bottom line is, early on those first one to three dates, women want to see a man who is leading that charge. So be certain in your leadership and know that women really like it. Okay, thank you so much for listening. I hope these concepts make sense. Man to woman communication. There's no magic bullets, no quick fixes that instantly fix everything in dating, but other than becoming radically authentic, other than that, I think man to woman communication is the closest thing there is to, like, a secret weapon that can really change the game quickly and actually radical authenticity and man to woman communication. These are part of the same. These are. These are. These are equal sides of the same coin, right? What's more authentic than you as a straight man looking for love and romance from a straight woman? What's more authentic than you giving a woman a compliment, going after what you want, taking good, good, authentic action and shooting your shot at romance? What's more authentic than that? So being man to woman, to me, it's a core part of our authentic selves as men. Okay, until next time, thank you so much for listening. And don't forget, your dream girlfriend is out there and she is gonna love you. She's just gonna have to meet the real, authentic you. Until next time.