← How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett
How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett
The Professional Man’s Paradox: Why You Succeed at Work but Struggle with Women (with Matchmaker Lisa Goodman)
00:44:58
Isn’t it frustrating to achieve career success yet struggle with women? Dating coach Connell Barrett calls this the “Professional Man’s Dating Paradox.” Simply put, the communication skills that help you excel at work can actually hurt your love life....
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- [00:00]
A
Don't be afraid. Approach her. Don't sit back. Talk to your buddies. You know, get out there and just do it.
- [00:20]
B
All right. Welcome back to the how to Get a Girlfriend podcast. I am your host, dating coach Connell Barrett. I'm the real life Hitch. If Hitch was a skinny, nerdy ginger with glasses. I help men confidently flirt with women, get more dates and get a great girlfriend, get great partners. And we do this by being authentic. No sketchy pickup artist moves needed, no manipulation, no playing games, just being really vulnerable, being really real. And I have a really great guest to share some insights today. I love having women on this show because you, the listener, you want to know what, what the heck do women want? How the heck do I connect with women? How do you flirt? And we have a great guest today to talk about those topics. Lisa Goodman is here. Lisa Goodman is a nationally recognized matchmaker and dating expert. She's the vice president at Selective Search, the premier luxury matchmaking firm. It's global and she and her firm, she helps high achieving professional men just like you and women find lasting love. And Lisa's been featured on Fox, on WGN and many other media outlets. And you can learn a lot more about Lisa and a lot more about selective search@selectivesearch.com Lisa Goodman, welcome to how to Get a Girlfriend.
- [01:38]
A
Thank you so much. Such a pleasure to be here with you. Love. Talking about love. We could do it all day long.
- [01:45]
B
We can, we can, we can do it for hours. We'll probably keep it less than an hour, I think. Let's talk about. I think you and I have a lot in common. I work with a lot of men who are very career focused. They're professional, they're successful, and they've achieved a lot in their career. But they've underachieved in romance, in dating. As I understand it, you work with a lot of extremely successful men. What do career oriented, successful guys struggle with and how can we help men like that?
- [02:17]
A
Right. No, we are definitely in the same pool, so to speak. We think our clients are brilliant, absolutely brilliant, whether they're men or women. Because outsourcing your love life is just the way to go about it when you are a successful, busy person and also private. So the person that we assist really values his time and the lack of it. He doesn't want to waste the days and nights away just swiping left and right, potentially being ghosted or stood up or meeting somebody that doesn't look like their picture. That's all going by the wayside. And a Colossal waste of time when it comes to the busy professional. So I'd say three of the main things, the talking points, why clients in general come to us is that they want the efficiency, they want us to conduct the search and do the vetting on their behalf. They want the privacy. They don't want their information on one of the sites. They could have patients or clients or co workers. They don't want their information out there. And then the last thing is to have access. You know, not everybody is sitting in Manhattan and even if you are, it can still be a struggle, as you know. But to have access to great people, high caliber singles, no matter where you live, no matter where you are, is a real value.
- [03:42]
B
I worked with a matchmaker a couple of times in my dating past. Yes. And I remember there was one time I'm sitting at home and my phone rings and it's my then matchmaker and she said, hey, Connell, it's me, hold on, somebody wants to talk to you. And she gives the phone over to a random woman she had met and she all of a sudden, all of a sudden this really charming, sweet feminine voice takes the phone and says, hi, I hear really good things about you. I guess maybe we should meet. And it was like, whoa, dates on demand. I'm not saying you offer phone service instantly, but it just felt so good to know I had somebody out there who was just going to help cut through. Okay. I don't have to worry about sending 27 perfect openers. Having my champion out there really meant a lot to me. It just made it easier.
- [04:34]
A
Yeah, yeah. No, now I know that you didn't work with us because we never, I'm.
- [04:39]
B
Not saying that you do, but we.
- [04:40]
A
Never would have just put you on basically a blind date on a random phone call. No, lots more goes into it than that. But yeah, but you're right. You have a champion. You have a strategist. When you're with selective search matchmaking, you have a day to day point person. She is your advocate, she is your therapist, she's your dating coach, she's your new best friend. She is there for you to be your strategist. And really, you know, her intuition kicks in at a certain time as well. So it's very full service to make sure that anybody is successful all the way through, not just getting you a date, not just finding that match, but staying in that relationship with you to see it go the distance and make sure that it's a perfect match.
- [05:25]
B
What are some of the things you mentioned? The word dating Coach, when I, when I think of matchmaker, I think, oh, well, this is just somebody who's finding somebody in a Rolodex. But I assume, and it sounds like you also offer genuine, helpful dating advice to the men and women you work with. What are, what are one or two of the common mistakes that you see men, especially professional men making when they are on that date with that first date with a woman? What are some of the mistakes you've seen and what are some of the fixes you might suggest?
- [05:57]
A
Well, it's funny, you know, we have clients of all ages. Some people have never been married before. Maybe they're 35 and they're just getting out of med school and they've spent their entire youth in young adulthood, the dating years over a cadaver. You know, they've never even gotten out there and spent time on it. But we have the other end too, and everything in between. You know, maybe a client comes in, he's 60, he's widowed, he hasn't dated right in 40 years. And a lot has changed. So, you know, even if there's rules now where texting is concerned, you know, versus 40 years ago, there was no such thing. Or, you know, calling too often or being, you know, too demanding, you know, you need to show your independence. It almost is on a case by case basis, you know, on who the client is, what the past has been, you know, presented, what the situation is and how we can help. It's definitely a bespoke situation with every single client. But overall, the pre date coaching, you know, to tee you up for success on that first date would be what we find a little bit obvious. Maybe it's not, but, you know, don't talk about yourself, be engaging. Put your phones away, for goodness sake. Don't be looking at your phone. Don't text somebody during dinner. Those are some things that might happen if you really weren't in tune with, you know, the, the ways of current dating.
- [07:29]
B
Let's talk about texting. That's a great topic. A lot of men struggle with that. A lot of people do. But obviously we've got a male audience here. Do you, do you have any texting tips, faux pas to avoid or things to do that can make the texting go better?
- [07:47]
A
Just call somebody, you know, so much can be miscon, skewed. You know it, I know it, we all know it. It's happened. Don't hide behind, you know, texting, thumbing away. Like, don't do that. Just pick up the phone and call. I think that's a super refreshing way to go about having a relationship and, you know, getting it on a good start, off to a good start. And you don't want to have one of these texting relationships. I say it to people all the time. Just be real.
- [08:18]
B
Okay, so you're saying don't text. Pick up the phone first.
- [08:21]
A
Well, I mean, you can say, are you available? I don't want to catch you off guard. I'm saying, not the back and forth. Don't try to be cute all the time. Don't send her seven texts during her busy workday. Nobody wants to be love bombed like that, you know, right out of the gate. Show, you know, some. Show restraint, be cordial. But yeah, I think a good old fashioned phone call definitely shows your confidence, your maturity level. I think that would be very well received. I know it is.
- [08:51]
B
I think that's a lost art. I love that tip call. And I think there's a couple of adjustments we might want to make in 2025. Whenever somebody calls me, I start freaking out. Oh, my God, is everybody okay? Has there been an accident? Is it a bill collector? So in dating, I recommend my clients, we don't know how that woman's going to respond to a phone call. So you might, to your point, say, hey, do you mind if I give you a quick call later tonight? It'd be cool to chat. So you give her that heads up. But I think, and you know the woman's perspective better than I do, I think a lot of women say, oh, finally a guy who just calls me he can. Has the confidence to say hello to me. I can hear his voice. I'm so tired of pen pal dating. And a phone call is great, right?
- [09:35]
A
Right? Yeah. Be secure in yourself. Yeah, Pick up the phone.
- [09:38]
B
Yeah, Great. Let's do the rest of this podcast on a phone call. Forget this silly platform we're on. Let's do a phone call.
- [09:47]
A
This is live, face to face contact. That's what we're all about. And we say that on dates too. You know, when get to the point within selective search, and it's not like, here, here's somebody for you to talk to like your matchmaker did to you. I mean, there are no blind dates, and there's so much that goes into the actual selection of the person that you will be meeting. But when it comes time to hand over that precious phone number, you know, to. To you, let's say as our client, we don't want texting relationships, we don't want phone call relationships. We want in Person, get out there, meet in person as soon, as soon as you can to see if that chemistry is there or not. That's where it really all uncovers, is to be face to face.
- [10:31]
B
I think one of the most common questions I get from men is what do I talk about? Do I talk about myself? Do I ask her questions? Do I not ask questions? Men are really in their heads about how to talk to women on a date and also what to talk about. What's your view on the right topics or the right way to connect with a woman on a conversation on that first in person date.
- [10:56]
A
Yeah, it's interesting too, because not to always throw it back to matchmaking, but when we're putting two people together, we already have such solid information on all the ways that these two people are connected and don't even know it. So we know that there are common interests. We know that they align politically. We know they line religiously. Maybe neither one are religious, or maybe it's important to both of them. We know their travel schedules and where they like to go or where they don't like to go. Are they a cold person? Are they a warm person? Can they show up on the state and talk about their last trip downhill skiing? And they know that that's going to be a great topic. So kind of, like I said, there's so much more to matchmaking than just here, go, go meet this person on, you know, on the corner. So, but yeah, to, to your point, you know, if it's just kind of getting out there in the wild, so to speak, and, and maybe you met on an app and you don't know everything about her. No, you don't want to just talk about yourself. You know, let her ask you a question or two. But always ping pong, you know, always get, get at equal time as far as what you're learning about her. You know the old adage, you know, if you get home at night after a date or a business party and somebody's asked you a million questions, your takeaway is, wow, what a great night. Right, Right. But if all you did was listen to somebody else talk about their kids and grandkids, you're like, oh, God, do we have to go to that next year? No, thanks. Yeah, so there's truth in that in the dating world too. You know, there has to be a good balance. And I think there's just a natural flow and part of that is, you know, is it a good match? So, yeah. But another point that I hear a lot from women is that it's not just, are they cordial, are they confident? But are they interesting? You know, if.
- [12:58]
B
Interesting. How so?
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A
Well, have they. Have they lived a life, you know, have they done interesting things? You know, I don't want to say the word boring. That's not it. But if they grew up here, they never moved out of state, they went to this school, they got a job on Wall street, and they just boom, boom, boom, Same thing. If they don't have something interesting to say, then, you know, things can kind of fall flat. Maybe it's an experience. Maybe, you know, they took a cooking class in France. Maybe, you know, they. They're a sailor, you know, I don't know. But to expand your horizons from just that. Work gym, home work, gym. You know, I think women like to know that there's something kind of hidden and fun and interesting about the other half.
- [13:51]
B
That's a great tip. The tip, the thing I would add to what you just said is have one or two go to stories that paint a picture about something unusual, adventuresome that happened to you that you did, or maybe just something quirky and strange. So, for example, when I was single and going on a lot of dates, I had gone to New Zealand and I went possum hunting. And I have this vivid kind of squeamish story about, I'm sure, shooting a possum. And then the man who was with me, my hunting guide, stomped it to death, this little baby possum. And don't get me wrong, it's a squeamish story. It's kind of like that moment in it's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown, when it's like, oh, you didn't tell me you were going to kill it. But it's a very vivid story that paints a picture of me going on some cool, fun travel adventures. And it's just different. It's not like, yeah, today I worked out and I did yoga and then I came home. So having a good story is, to me was always an effective way of giving a woman a window into what my life was like. And what I like about storytelling is hopefully that will give that woman a green light to open up about her life. We just want two people opening up about who they are.
- [15:05]
A
Yeah. And it gives people a little bit of time and thought, you know, put some effort into it and look back on your life and say, like, think, oh, you know what? I haven't thought about that party or, you know, that trip or that bike ride or, you know what, where I saw, you know, somebody jump off A cliff or, you know, whatever it is. Yeah, it just. Yeah, it just, again, like, ties her in to your life. My. My kids were ball boys for the Chicago Bulls. Just, like a fun, crazy, you know, thing to do when they were, like, seniors in high school. And it was hysterical and fun and special all in one. And I will tell you, every interview that those boys have been on, you know, at 30 years old, people get all the way down to the bottom, and they're like, wait, you were a ball boy for the Chicago Bulls? I mean, they pass, you know, the grade point averages and all the private equity and this and this. They just want to hear about something fun and interesting. And I think the same goes into play, you know, when you're out on a date. And humor. Oh, my God, for goodness sakes. Humor. Every single woman that I talk to, probably the first personality trait that they mention is humor. And not. He has a sense of humor. It's. No, he is funny. He is witty. He gets my. My, you know, quirky sense of humor, and he can toss it right back at me. So to have that quick wit. And I know not everybody is just, you know, the funniest guy and that. That doesn't matter, but I'm saying it comes up a lot in conversations.
- [16:47]
B
Well, I have recent episodes, so dear listener, if you haven't gone back, if you haven't listened to them, I have a few episodes about the art of being funny and how to amplify your genuine, actual sense of humor using sarcasm, irony, storytelling. So there's a lot of tips in previous episodes, but to your point, women. Fair to say that a universal attractor for women is a guy who can make her laugh.
- [17:13]
A
Have to laugh every day. I mean, you and I don't need practice. We are hilarious.
- [17:19]
B
I'm the funniest person in the world and the most modest.
- [17:22]
A
Just ask you. Yeah.
- [17:25]
B
Enough about me. Lisa, what do you think about me?
- [17:29]
A
No. 100%. And, you know, we always say anybody who's witty is secretly super smart. You have to be smart to be funny. And the women get that, and, you know, hopefully the men do, too. So you kind of get two for one.
- [17:44]
B
What are some things that you've noticed make women laugh? These can be techniques, or these can just be things that you've heard anecdotally from what made some of your female clients laugh? Help my guys.
- [17:58]
A
You know what, Even the side eye and just some facial expressions can go a long way. And it's not laughing at others. You know, we're not about being Mean, but just seeing something funny and, you know, just kind of giving it the side eye. I've heard lots of stories about that. There's a confidence in that when, you know, they can just have a funny look to them. Self deprecation is a island. Little bit funny as well. And, you know, then you're not being boastful or braggadocious about other things in your life. But if you can add a little bit of, you know, poking fun at yourself and not taking yourself too seriously, that is wildly important.
- [18:37]
B
Yeah. If you can. If you can combine a certain amount of confidence and maybe playful cheekiness at least a couple times, and then also complement that with some self effacement, which shows self awareness and emotional maturity. Oh, my gosh, that's. That's so attractive. That's so rare, I think, in men today.
- [18:57]
A
As long as it's authentic, you know, you can't.
- [19:00]
B
Yeah.
- [19:00]
A
You can't fake that. You just have to be funny. Yeah.
- [19:06]
B
And what I like to do is say to a guy, well, don't do a thought experiment. How do I make this woman laugh tonight? How can I make her laugh? In a way. Let's start with a thought experiment. If you were going out tonight with just a really good friend and your goal was to make your friend laugh, how might that happen? Because essentially, however, you're authentically funny with your friends, your family, that is a little bit of a Rosetta Stone into how you'll make a woman laugh. Are you sarcastic? I'm really dry. My girlfriend Jess and I were so dry. She is so dry that she. She once gave me coffee cups as a gift. And she said, oh, by the way, don't put any liquid in these other than coffee. If you do, they'll disintegrate. And she was kidding. She was just being really dry. And I was afraid. I put water in one of my coffee cups, and I was like, oh, no, the cup's gonna disintegrate. And she was like, no, you idiot. I was being sarcastic. So, yeah. So a lot of men in the world of learning about dating, they try to memorize things, or they're like, oh, let me come up with something planned. I think, however you're off, however, you're authentically funny with your friends, that's what you want to bring to the first date. What's your thought on that?
- [20:18]
A
And why not? Like, why start off on some false pretense? You absolutely have to be your authentic self and just roll with whatever humor you you've got. You know what? What Makes you laugh maybe isn't going to be what makes her laugh. And I know we're not talking, you know, first dates or what to do, but I'm telling you, to go to a comedy club and, you know, catch an act or two is a great date, because what are you gonna do? You're gonna laugh, right? And you can, you know, elbow each other and be like, oh, my God, that was the funniest thing I've ever heard. And, you know, watch her, like, with tears rolling down her face, laughing. You know, it's just a really fun thing to do.
- [20:58]
B
Yeah. And the two of you will have been laughing the whole night. And whether or not you're a match as a couple, who knows? But she'll be thinking, oh, I had so much fun with him, and there's a much higher chance that she'll be interested in seeing him again. And if not, at least you had a blast with this woman. And I would say sit close to the stage. If you go to a comedy show on a date.
- [21:16]
A
You would say that?
- [21:17]
B
Yes. What do you. Why you don't.
- [21:20]
A
Oh, you'll just get ripped apart. I've seen it happen time and time again, but yeah. Okay, that. Yeah, that's an icebreaker for sure. Oh, my gosh.
- [21:32]
B
I recommend sitting really close, so maybe that one or both of you get roasted. It'll be memorable. It'll be more memorable. It'll be more interesting.
- [21:38]
A
In other words, 10 rows back having a laugh at you.
- [21:42]
B
Okay, well, okay. Gauge the. Her. Gauge her comfort with sitting close. But I certainly recommend that. Don't force the issue.
- [21:50]
A
Right. Well, and then, you know, based on kind of what you said about getting a second date in the world of matchmaking, if you're with the right matchmaker, certainly if you're with us right after. Immediately after that first date, there are feedback sessions with your matchmaker. Each party is being called and asked, you know, how did the date go? Was it love at first sight? Did he hold the door open for you? Did he only talk about his dead cat? Was he sad or ex girlfriend? Or did he. He, you know, talk poorly on anyone? Another serious topic is how did he treat the staff?
- [22:32]
B
Yep.
- [22:33]
A
You know, and was he kind and considerate and respectful of all people, you know, not just him?
- [22:42]
B
Well, those are great red flags to be aware of that women notice. Right. Right away how you treat other. The servers, the bartender. That shows kindness or lack thereof. And I don't think that's an issue with most people who listen to this. But I've Heard a lot of anecdotal stories from women who were saying, oh, he talked down to the waiter, and that's just such a turn off.
- [23:03]
A
Right, right, right. Yeah. And I'm sure, you know, all the advice that you're giving that I'm giving, there's. There's trial and error too, you know, nothing. A lot of times it just doesn't happen on the. On the first date or the first. First person that, you know, you match with on Hinge. But I keep seeing the. The sign behind you, your book, the dating sucks. You don't. And it's true. I mean, that's an overall feeling, you know, is that dating sucks. You know, it's a grind and people are getting very burnt out and the fatigue is real. And that's about the time when people come to us when they've just kind of run the gamut and swiped their last time. You know, they're like, I just don't think I have another night in me, you know, to. To go meet somebody that's not chosen for me. And then that's where we step in, which is great. We just don't want them to be too jaded and. And too worn out, you know, we want to save them from all of that.
- [24:02]
B
No, that's part of your job, right. As a matchmaker?
- [24:05]
A
100%. Yeah.
- [24:07]
B
I want to get to one or two of your favorite success stories you've had.
- [24:12]
A
Yeah.
- [24:12]
B
Before we do that. So I'll give you a second to. I'm sure you have some ready. But I can't let a woman come on my show and not ask a little bit about how to read women or how to tell if a date is going well. Can you give any guidance from the woman's point of view about how a man can tell on a first date? This is going well. It's not going well. Any signals to look for in either direction?
- [24:38]
A
It's all in your eyes. It's all in your face. I mean, I'm looking right in your eyes right now. This. We're having a good time. This is going well. If you see her looking around the room and loot and breaking that eye contact, you know, you got to reel it in and take a different direction. And of course, the smile, you know, and I hear it all the time from. From people, you know, just really reading the facial connection and the smile on her face. That's huge. I mean, that's everything, you know, Is there a touch? You know, there's so much physicality, you know, is she Moving further away from you, Is she getting a little closer? Does she reach out and touch her hand on the table? I mean, those are all. Yes, yes, yes. I'm into this. Not grabbing her phone because she's waiting for a call or, you know, still thinking there's something better coming up, you know.
- [25:34]
B
Oh, yeah, I've had that. I've had, I had a. I was on. Yeah, you can, you can. With some experience, you can tell. But I think that's a great tip. Notice her eye contact.
- [25:44]
A
It's the eye contact. It's everything. It's everything.
- [25:47]
B
I like how simple that is. A lot of men, and I was like this back in the day, but I hear this often. I think men can over look too hard for too many signals. You know, if she's twirling her hair, that's a nice bonus. But not every woman twirls her hair. Not every woman's gonna be super touchy. I just say if she's, if she's making good eye contact, if she's being really present and focused on you. Engaged, absolutely. That's a great sign. Who knows if you're a long term match or not. That's for your team to figure out, kind of suss out later. But if she's talking to you and she's not on her phone, it's going well. At least believe in that.
- [26:24]
A
Well, and talking about the future, not, oh, we're getting married in December, it's not. Not that kind of future, but extending the date, you know, should we go grab a drink some place, you know, when dinner's done. I've got tickets to a concert next Wednesday. You know, like any kind of futuristic without being pushy, you know, those are all signs that she's really enjoying you the night. Wants to see more of it.
- [26:51]
B
How do women feel about this? Maybe not in a matchmaking context, but general first date. How do women tend to feel about a man who shows interest in letting her know that he wants to see her again? Is that needy? Is it confident? How do women feel about when a guy just says, hey, I'm having a great time. I would like to see you again?
- [27:13]
A
That's honest. I think that's amazing.
- [27:15]
B
Yeah, I love that too. One of my favorite tips for guys is if you're having a great time on the first date, pick a high moment, a nice moment on the first date when you're both having a great time, and say, oh, here's what we should do for our second date. We should do XYZ and Essentially put that card on the table. A lot of women really love that. It's not needy. As long as you're doing it from a place of, here's how I feel, why not make it happen?
- [27:40]
A
I doubt, highly doubt. It would just be like a one sided feeling, you know, if he's having that great of a time, so is she. And she's probably anxiously awaiting that little nod to the next time. And it can't be staged, it can't be forced. But even just like, oh, my God, this is a blast. Not, I'm having so much fun with you, you know, just like, this is an absolute blast.
- [28:03]
B
Let me play devil's advocate though. Some guys will be like, oh, well, I got to play it cool. I don't want to come off as too needy. I want to be mysterious. I want to make her wonder if I like her. What's your response to that?
- [28:15]
A
I think we're well beyond that in 2025. Women are.
- [28:19]
B
Yeah, that's game playing. Yeah, exactly. I think there's such beauty, there's such, oh, sorry, go ahead.
- [28:27]
A
We're smarter than that, right? No, those days are long gone.
- [28:32]
B
Yeah, it's. People still teach that BS I hate. It bothers me so much. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's no magic phrase to make a woman quote, chase you by being mysterious. If anything, you're just going to come across as is manipulative at best.
- [28:50]
A
Right? No, that's terrible. Yeah. And a lot of this too is chemistry, and that's not really anything that can be taught. You know, you and I both can really tee people up for success, you know, in 10 different ways and get them out there. But. But then there is that element of chemistry. Do you just walk in and go, wow, there's something here? And that's really fun too, when lightning strikes like that.
- [29:17]
B
Speaking of lightning striking, tell us about a client you've had. Maybe it's a guy who struggled in his dating life or his confidence and he came to your team and yeah, lightning struck. Um, tell us about a one or two people or somebody who comes to mind. And you're thinking, oh, yeah, this is a great story about what's possible.
- [29:38]
A
There have been over 4,000 couples through our selective search matchmaking process. We are also responsible for over 560 babies. So I only say that because, you know, for the younger set out there, we're here for you. And we see people start amazing families and just go the distance. So that's really fun. And we also do mock dates. You know, you mentioned Something about somebody not having the confidence or, you know, doesn't think he's got the game or he just hasn't really dated much, but, you know, all of a sudden he's 35 and he really wants to settle down and find the one. We will go on mock dates with said client to make sure that they're doing everything right.
- [30:27]
B
What are some of the things you notice on mock dates that men do well? Well or poorly?
- [30:32]
A
It's the shyness. You know, it's the shyness. It's just bringing them out of their shell and giving them that level of comfort, you know, to be sitting across the table from, you know, from a woman and just helping them flow with comfort, conversation. It's all part of it. We're both here to make sure that people are successful and find their person, you know, so of course we would. We would want to do that for. For anyone. But. Okay, favorite stories. Oh, my gosh, there's so many. But. And we're. Remember, we're a global firm. Most of what we do is within the United States. So this was a particular client in Kansas, a man. And. And he lived. He was very successful, but lived in the middle of nowhere, Kansas. This is not a Kansas City thing. And. But I flew to spend time with him and meet him in person. And he's like, lisa, I mean, no one's gonna come here. No one is going to come to this, you know, nowhere ville, small town, Kansas. And I'm like, no, have faith. Have faith. You're, you know, you're a great guy. He's like, I don't know. So we get to work, and of course, you know, someone comes across our sites. And this wasn't me exactly. It was one of my matchmakers said to this woman, you've got to meet him. He is amazing. He's a catch. I've got such a strong feeling that the two of you are going to be amazing together. And she said, absolutely not. I am not meeting anyone from that end of Kansas. I'm not never, ever going to live there. I'm never going to go there. No. And I'll say, to my matchmaker's credit, she push, push, nudge, nudge, nudge. I'm. You have to go out with him one time. It's worth, you know, the drive to the middle of nowhere, meet halfway in between. Do it. And they have been married now for two years, and neither one of them live where they started. They built a new home together in a more reasonable location. So my point being that Anyone who's just got this rigid checkbox of who they want, they're never leaving the Upper west side. You know, she must be five, seven. She must, must, must, or he must. You got to be a little open. Look outside, because that's where sometimes, you know, your forever person is just. Just waiting right outside of what you thought you wanted. And that's another point, you know, that a matchmaker can see that where you can't.
- [33:07]
B
Did they escape Kansas at least? Okay, nobody's perfect.
- [33:13]
A
Nobody's perfect, but, you know, there's no place like home. We had a female client in Michigan, and absolutely not. She was never leaving. Never leaving the Detroit area, not a chance. And she and her new husband live in Florence, Italy. So you never know what love will. Will do for somebody and the lengths that people will go when it's the right person. And I think that's, you know, another point that people will say, well, I'm too busy, I'm too this, I'm too that. But when it's the right person, you will absolutely make time in your busy nine to five, you know, in your day to day.
- [33:51]
B
Let's finish with a couple questions about. Here's something I hear a lot. I'm just thinking of what, what men ask me a lot.
- [33:59]
A
Yeah. Okay.
- [34:00]
B
First dates and if, when and how to go for a first kiss. What. What is the female point of view, or at least the Lisa Goodman point of view on if, when, and how to go for a first kiss on a first date?
- [34:16]
A
Well, I mean, the time, the feeling, it all has to be just right. Again, nothing forced. It's not inappropriate by any means. You know, I think if she's had a decent time, which he should be able to tell, I think a kiss good night would be expected. And I think she'd walk away disappointed, you know, if there wasn't one. Yeah, right. And it could happen mid date as well. You know, if you're yucking it up at a comedy club or go off grid and do something silly. I mean, why wouldn't you grab her for, you know, for a quick yes. I mean, that spontaneity goes a long way.
- [34:55]
B
A big myth. Myth isn't the right word, but a big misconception that a lot of men come to me with is. And this might sound so even saying it out loud sounds weird, but they think, oh, I don't want to be a creepy. I don't want to be weird. I want to be a gentleman. So I'm not going to kiss her because they somehow Think, oh, I'm making a move. I'm being disrespectful. But it's a date, and if you're hitting it off, it'd be kind of weird not to have some kind of physical contact, assuming there's a mutual interest. But a lot of men are in their head about that.
- [35:29]
A
Yeah, no, they need to get out of their head and, you know, just live in the moment and read the room. I mean, hey, in this day and age, she might kiss you.
- [35:38]
B
Okay, I'll take it. I'll take it.
- [35:42]
A
Not the wallflowers, you know. Now, that being said, kind of a matchmaking phrase, but there's a lid for every pot, you know, so not every gentleman is comfortable with that. And hopefully that they're then dating a woman that is also more demure and proper. And, you know, that's not her thing. So, you know, hopefully those two people would both come together and hold that kiss or that physical, you know, touch for the second date or whatever they think is proper. I'd say the majority of the people, you know, that physical touch is everyone's love language. You know, nine out of 10 people, you know, that is their top love language of the five, you know, okay, the physical touch. Yeah.
- [36:31]
B
What about a lot? Some men feel like, okay, I'm afraid to go for that first kiss. So what I'll do is I'm gonna ask her if it's okay if I kiss her. How does that feel to women? Is that polite? Is it gentlemanly? Is it. Is it a little bit of a turnoff? Because he's not just going for it. What's your. What's your view on it?
- [36:52]
A
Gosh, I mean, that's so hard because it's a woman by woman, you know, situation. I think the spot and spontaneity. Just grab her and kiss her. I mean, not grab. You know what I mean? I think that that would be more well received than the. Yeah, can I kiss you right now? I mean, that just sounds a little contrived.
- [37:13]
B
Yeah, it's like. You sound like a time traveler from the 17th century. Milady, might I inquire to put my lips upon your cheek at this time?
- [37:23]
A
Just like, no, call your father first.
- [37:28]
B
No, I need to know your dowry before I move in for the first oscillation. Whatever.
- [37:34]
A
Yeah. I think we're all grownups now, and women can definitely hold their own. And, you know, for whatever reason, you know, it wasn't what she was expecting or wanting. She'll let you know.
- [37:47]
B
My feeling is. And I know this from my own anecdotal experience, anyway, that I have never, to my knowledge. I've never lost my channel with a woman by going for a kiss and getting the cheek. I had a couple times where she just wasn't ready yet. Or maybe there wasn't a connection. And that's fine. I know that I lost some good romantic options, opportunities, because I was too afraid. I know because she told me. She said, you had your chance back there. I kind of lost interest. No offense, Ginger. I'm out of here. And that was great feedback. So I feel like, within reason, to your point. Read the room, try to pick the best it just happened moment. I tell my clients to try to look for a kiss window to open. You know, eye contact, you're both giggling. There's a moment of good, not awkward, good silence. That might be that little window. But it's going to depend on the situation. But bottom line is, and it all goes back.
- [38:40]
A
It all goes back to the confidence, you know, that he is portraying. You know, that confidence that I've. I know you're gonna like this. You know, this is gonna be awesome. You know, I cannot wait to kiss you. We've been sitting at this dinner for two hours. We've been staring at each other, just, you know, letting it come to that point. Walk out of the restaurant and, you know, lay it on or on the sidewalk, I don't know.
- [39:01]
B
Absolutely. No. Absolutely. And even if she does turn the cheek, maybe she's shy. I once went for a first kiss and she turned the cheek. But she later said, I'm just not a big PDA person. But we were outside under an umbrella, isolated in the rain, made at Make Out City. It was great. So she wasn't rejecting me. She was just saying, at this moment, I'm not feeling comfortable. But that's not about me. It's about the moment and her noted.
- [39:27]
A
Rainy night umbrella, valet stand. Got it. Okay.
- [39:32]
B
Right.
- [39:32]
A
Set the stage. Yeah.
- [39:34]
B
Right. That's all you have to do. Final words. I just made up a question I want to ask you right now because you've got a lot of experience in this world of dating and matchmaking. You're a dating expert. If you were the president of dating or the queen of dating, of romance, of looking for love, and you could create a new amendment, a new rule for dating. For me, it would be, don't be fake. Be yourself. Be authentic. No games, no manipulation. Just be really real. That'd be my one rule for dating, that I'd want all men and women to Follow. What's a new rule of dating you would love to see more people follow.
- [40:18]
A
And this is based on what I hear from all the single women that I talk to. And it is, don't be afraid. Approach her. Don't sit back. Talk to your buddies. You know, get out there and just do it. So that I think that alone would solve a lot of problems in the. In the dating world. Nobody's meeting. They're not meeting out in person because the men are no longer approaching the women. So take the hit if it doesn't work out, but please approach the women and make that first move. You know, it's. It's still back to what's in our DNA. I mean, women are rising to the top. And, you know, you hear all the news. You know, we're taking all the jobs, and now we're the C suite, and, oh, great, look at us. But it's really taken a hit on the male, female relationship and the power struggle and who's, you know, who's in charge of the loveless life. And no matter what's happening in society, the DNA is that the man is still the hunter and the woman wants to be hunted. We want you to ask us out. We want you to approach us. And so I think all your listeners need to know that, you know, that women are waiting for that.
- [41:43]
B
Yeah. Did you hear that, guys? Did you hear this woman, what she just said to you? It's okay. It's okay. I remember one of the first. Oh, sorry. Finish your thought, Lisa, please.
- [41:54]
A
No, I didn't say anything. Go ahead.
- [41:56]
B
Oh, sorry. I thought. I remember when I first started approaching women in the late double zeros, when I first was working on my dating life, as an introverted guy with a really bad anxiety about talking to women, I approached a really wonderful woman named Ashley at a Whole Foods in the cereal aisle. I was nervous. It went great, got her number, and I said. I even thanked her. I said, thank you for being so friendly. And she said something to me, but I felt like she was talking to all men. She said, you know, you can come talk to us. It's okay. We like it. That was, like, such a wonderful thing that she said. You just said the same thing.
- [42:32]
A
I know. Saying the same thing. Yeah, we'll wrap that into some kind of a dating rule, because I am the queen of dating, but.
- [42:39]
B
Yeah, you are. Well, thank you, your highness, for being with us today.
- [42:43]
A
I'll have a crown next time. I'll be prepared.
- [42:47]
B
Right? Queen Lisa Goodman, the queen of dating, of selective search. Tell our listener if you would tell us the best way to go about contacting you or learning more about selective search, fire away.
- [42:59]
A
Yeah, like I opened with, there's nothing better than talking about love and relationships. And then of course, you know, introducing you, our client, to your forever person. It's all about going the distance and making it efficient and successful. Our website is an amazing source of information and then to get to me directly it would be selectivesearch.com Lisa and then the two of us will schedule a call. Or you can call me directly. I know you're putting up my my cell, but that's really the, the best two ways to to find me and schedule a call. Complimentary consultation call. This is all complimentary, you know, up until the point where you officially join as a VIP client. Would love to have you.
- [43:47]
B
Fantastic. And also selective search is on Instagram. Yes. It's on Facebook. It's on all the places you find people these days.
- [43:56]
A
My LinkedIn page is chock full of weekly tidbits about love, how it relates to health, how it relates to longevity, how it relates to, you know, you doing better in your day to day job and career. So, you know, lots of information too on LinkedIn.
- [44:14]
B
Thank you so much, Lisa. Thank you for joining us. And it's always nice to talk to royalty. And thank you for listening. There's a million podcasts out there. You just spent an hour talking with or sharing some time with Lisa and myself. Thanks for doing that. And don't forget your dream girlfriend, she is out there, but she's going to have to meet the real authentic you. So go find her, either through Lisa's help or take Lisa's advice and go approach a woman and make her day better. And don't forget, be authentic until next time. Thanks for listening.