← How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett
How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett
The Speed Dating Move that Drives Women Wild: Why Vulnerability Wins Every Time (Featuring Kavita Ajwani)
00:47:20
You struggle to connect with women, right? What if you could confidently walk into a crowded room and get numbers from women who find you utterly charming? You actually can—when you get great at speed dating! In this episode, dating coach Connell...
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- [00:00]
Connell Barrett
Let's talk speed dating. Because a lot of men do speed dating. Do's don'ts tips Take us.
- [00:07]
Kavita Ajwani
I am the speed dating queen.
- [00:18]
Connell Barrett
Welcome back to the how to Get a Girlfriend podcast. I am your host, dating coach, Connell Barrett, helping you flirt, get dates and find a great girlfriend. And do this all by being authentic. No sketchy pickup artist moves needed, just being your real best self. And my guest today, I'm excited, I'm always excited to have a woman who is also an expert in dating. On and today my guest is Kavita Ajwani. She is a dating psychology and human behavior specialist who brings a really truly powerful female's perspective to modern men's dating challenges. She is the founder of Dashing Date and her work focuses on helping men navigate dating with confidence, connection and getting out of emotional isolation and essentially making some real genuine connections. She also founded something called Huddle 11 Elite and she helps successful men stop overthinking and start finding fast lasting. Today we're going to talk dating. We're going to talk loneliness, we're going to talk masculinity. We're going to talk about what women want and who better to ask than Kavita? And for a lot more about Kavita, you can find her on Instagram at Dashing Date. Kavita, welcome to the how to Get a Girlfriend podcast.
- [01:34]
Kavita Ajwani
Connell. I'm blushing. That was so nice. Thank you so much. And it is such a pleasure to be here. I'm excited to dive in.
- [01:42]
Connell Barrett
Well, we, maybe we should do a two part episode. One part is just me reading your resume and the second part will be talking dating. You know, you said something in your email. You and I were first speaking about you coming on the show. We were talking about some ideas and you talked about in an email, you mentioned something about the power of vulnerability, how being vulnerable as a man today is not a weakness. It actually can be and is a strength in dating. I was hoping we could start there. Can you talk a little bit about vulnerability and how that is an asset for men in dating, not necessarily a weakness?
- [02:18]
Kavita Ajwani
Absolutely. The very first thing that needs to be said is it is not an excuse for over sharing, spilling all on a first date or taking up all the space. That's a really key point. I've worked with a lot of clients who just misunderstood how to use vulnerability as, as an asset, how to see it as a power. So that's the very first thing in order to form a relationship, be with a woman, it's never going to happen until you are able to create a Deep and meaningful connection. And that happens primarily through conversation, especially in the early stages of dating. Of course, we could talk about physical activity, we could talk about intimacy, we can go in that direction. But at its core, what's going to connect you to someone else is learning about them, learning about their stories. And one of the ways to do that and really set a safe environment is to lead by example and be willing to be open, sharing who you really are talking about. Yep, I'm a little bit scared about this or, you know, I wonder if this is ever going to happen for me now. Again, we don't lead with this as our opening line, but being really present in the moment, leading with curiosity on your dates and seeing where things go naturally and being ready to share when the opportunity presents itself.
- [03:45]
Connell Barrett
I love that, especially doing it from the start. Not the first minute of the first date, but from the get go. My first date with my now girlfriend, Jessamyn. I gave her a copy of my book and I wasn't sure at the time if that was good or bad, but I said, I just want you to read this. I think you might get to know me a little bit. And I think it was a bit of a risk because my book has all about my dating past, my self doubt, the struggles I had as a nerdy, shy introvert. And I talked about having to pay for sex back in the day when I was really struggling and hurting. But also, there's a lot of great stuff in my book. And I remember she later said, wow, that really took. She didn't say vulnerable, but she said, wow, you gave me your entire romantic sexual history on our first date. I noticed that. Now that might have been maybe a bridge too far for some men, but is that the kind of vulnerability you're talking about? Being willing to be open enough to say, hey, this is me. You might like it, you might not, but this is me.
- [04:46]
Kavita Ajwani
Bold move indeed. Very impressive. I'm all about experimenting. Do that three times. If it doesn't land, you know, try something else. This is your current girlfriend?
- [04:59]
Connell Barrett
Yes.
- [04:59]
Kavita Ajwani
Okay. So it seems to have worked out.
- [05:01]
Connell Barrett
Very much so.
- [05:02]
Kavita Ajwani
Client, actually. Who also that was the work that we did together was releasing the need for paid sex workers. And now he's come out the other side, he's dating again, his love life is flourishing. And it's amazing. And part of the discussion was when is the right time to share this with someone that he's dating. And we decided it really wouldn't be something that is something to hold back on. And how can we look at this as a strength in that the right person for him is going to connect to the fact that here is a person who is real, he is vulnerable and has grown. Right. And been able to overcome these hardships. So I'm here for it. You have to remind me your question.
- [05:55]
Connell Barrett
Well, let's talk maybe some practical ways that your male clients or the man listening to this can say, okay, I'm into vulnerability. It's a big topic. How do I do that? What do I say? How can I bring vulnerability in a healthy way to a first date? Any tips there?
- [06:13]
Kavita Ajwani
Yeah. Tim Ferriss, one of my favorite authors and people, he shared this question that allows two people on a first date to go really deep, really fast. And I love it because it's so simple. And it also gamifies things a little bit. So let's say you're sitting on a date and then you just say, you know what, first of all, let's get on the same page. What do you think about skipping over the interview style questions and taking things in a new direction? So let's say she's like, yeah, let's do it. I'm game. The question is, what does someone who really knows you know about you? So simple. And you start there. And it's just a way to get something out that may not otherwise come up for months. Right. And it allows the conversation to go to a place that is vulnerable, but also where you're both on the same page rather than one person just like, you know, grabbing the torch and running with it.
- [07:18]
Connell Barrett
Do you have any specific examples of anything men, maybe your clients or men, you know, have said on dates or heard from their female first dates on dates. Any examples of things?
- [07:31]
Kavita Ajwani
Yeah. So I used to have a matchmaking agency, right. For many years. And that was a big step into how I'm able to do what I do today. Because I sat firsthand getting feedback from men and women after every single date. And a lot of men would think that they showed up a certain way and they're like, oh, yeah. But I opened up and isn't that what women want? And often it was about things that someone is not necessarily ready for. So there is a difference between saying something like, there's a lot here beneath the surface. You know, I'm, I'm an open book and I'm happy to, you know, share and answer any questions that you might have. You could start with something like that. That is one way to just like let, let them know that your guard is down.
- [08:30]
Connell Barrett
Right.
- [08:30]
Kavita Ajwani
It also, again, Creates that. That feeling of there's space for both of us here. In my case, my client would very openly talk about his. He used to be an addict and would open up and talk a lot about it on a first date, not realizing that, yes, you can absolutely talk about this, and it's part of your story. However, I believe that when a real connection is formed in a delicate way. Again, coming back to this idea where both people are on board, we are a lot less likely to view these, to view vulnerability as a red flag and more as we are deepening our connection here. So you can say anything, but I believe it's really important to read the room and let it unfold in a way that. That feels natural in terms of, like, the timeline.
- [09:30]
Connell Barrett
Right.
- [09:30]
Kavita Ajwani
Is that fair? Is that what we're looking for?
- [09:33]
Connell Barrett
I think so. I think that's a great example. Here's what I. Here's what I personally would never say on a first date. I would never say to a woman back when I was single, oh, I used to go to sex workers. I wouldn't say, oh, I. This isn't really my backstory, but. But it is for a lot of men, as, oh, I've dealt with XYZ Addiction, unless it came up really organically. What I would probably do is I would tell my guys, I'd say, all right, what's something small that's genuine and real, but something small that you can bring up, that's vulnerable, but also not such a heavy topic. I might bring up how I was a chubby little kid and I had a big red afro and my nickname was Corn Oil Bear Fat, given to me by Eric Sondermyer, the little jerk. And I might come out and say, look, I was a dorky, nerdy kid and be vulnerable in that way and see if I can help her share a little bit about what she was like as a kid. So I guess I would try to be vulnerable or I would coach my guys in keeping the topics pretty light and breezy. It's one thing to be a chubby 12 year old. It's another thing to say, oh, yeah, and then I went to rehab for three months. She's probably, like, still getting her first sip of her beverage. When you say that, you can. You can say too much too soon. For sure.
- [10:50]
Kavita Ajwani
Yeah. And I think you nailed it on being intentional. Right. So not getting caught off guard, not feeling like, oh, my gosh, now what do I say? Because sometimes that is when we do overshare. So while I don't believe in Scripting your first date. And let me tell you, one of my clients, when we did set him up on his matchmaking date, he read a script the whole time. This was during COVID days.
- [11:15]
Connell Barrett
Oh no.
- [11:16]
Kavita Ajwani
The woman after, he's like, I nailed it. And she was like, he read a script.
- [11:21]
Connell Barrett
You mean he memorized it or he brought paper?
- [11:23]
Kavita Ajwani
He brought. So it was Covid time. So it was a zoom date and he was reading the whole time.
- [11:28]
Connell Barrett
Oh, no.
- [11:29]
Kavita Ajwani
So while that is not what I would recommend, I think dating with more intention is really important, especially if it's at this point, if it's not something that you're comfortable with. If your dates are few and far between, have some topics in your back pocket. There is a. The name is escaping me right now, a book that came out not too long ago. And it's. There's a topic where they cover dating for introverts or it's on socializing for introverts, going to parties, networking, and said just write down five things that you would be willing to talk about. Write down five things, fold it up, put it in your back pocket. 90% of the time you will never ever use it.
- [12:14]
Connell Barrett
Right.
- [12:14]
Kavita Ajwani
But that feeling of I got this. And when that topic comes up, you actually have a go to. So practical. And this is not for people who like, don't know how to socialize. This is a standard, effective tip for anybody that gets those, you know, socialize. Like, I'm going to get a little nervous going to this event.
- [12:34]
Connell Barrett
What are some back pocket topics are good for men to have handy?
- [12:39]
Kavita Ajwani
Oh well. On the topic of vulnerability, I would really like to suggest talking about family and again, not going too deep, but when you can share a little bit about, you know, your relationship with your niece or your sister or your mom. Like one of the things that women really connect to, even on a subconscious level is hearing about your relationships with the women in your life. It can really help a woman feel safe and comfortable just knowing, right. That you have again, maybe. And I would definitely talk about female friends as well. But letting her know that you are in a world where you spend time with women.
- [13:20]
Connell Barrett
Yeah. So that's a great tip.
- [13:23]
Kavita Ajwani
That's a simple one that really helps women. We were talking about like signals and what do women look for? That's a big one.
- [13:30]
Connell Barrett
That's a great, that's a great insight. I remember the first date I had with my, my then future girlfriend Lorraine. Now she's a good friend or a former friend, but we're still, we're still friendly. I remember that it just so happened I'd gotten a letter from my nephew and niece that day, and they'd written it together. They were at the time, they were like 8 and 12, and they took turns writing paragraphs. It was so cute and adorable. And I actually was reading the letter to Lorraine from them on my date because I had opened it literally that day. And I just remember I wasn't doing it as a move. I swear. It was just happening organically. But I could see how that sort of made her like, oh, oh. She even said, oh, wow. So family's really important to you, isn't it? And I said, well, yeah, isn't it? Isn't it for everybody? I didn't realize I was doing a good move, but I guess I was.
- [14:18]
Kavita Ajwani
Yeah, that's really cute. I have a client, too, and he. Him. He and his niece write notes back and forth. They live in different cities. And I'm like, talk about this on your dating profile. Talk about this on your dates. That's another one is a lot of men will come to me and they feel like they are just not interesting. And this is across the board. I have very successful clients. And on the outside, I'm like, are you kidding? You're the busiest guy I know. Are you kidding me? You're not interesting. And again, this could just come down to lack of preparation. So as simple as it sounds, sitting. Sitting down and getting real with yourself on paper. In the last six months, what are the most interesting things that you've done? Have you taken any trips? What events have you gone to? Have you taken up any new hobbies or sports experiences that you've had with friends or family or things that you have coming up? And again, it's just about jotting these things down and reconnecting, because we know as we go through our day how we're living and what we're doing. But suddenly, when we are sitting across from someone and they're asking questions, we can just tend to go blank. Exactly.
- [15:25]
Connell Barrett
Like for you, deer in the headlight.
- [15:28]
Kavita Ajwani
Yeah, this is. This is my life. And it's normal, but being really intentional that these are things I can actually talk about. Even me and you, Right? What are some topics? Decoding signals that women give off? Right. Like, there's a little bit of prep. I love a casual and organic conversation, but why not go onto a date and just know? Oh, my gosh.
- [15:50]
Connell Barrett
And, well, you know, everything I said has been memorized today so far.
- [15:53]
Kavita Ajwani
Right? Yeah.
- [15:54]
Connell Barrett
This is all. By the way, I'm AI. I'M not even real. This is an AI Connell, so I hope you get that.
- [16:02]
Kavita Ajwani
Very funny guy. Like, I don't see this kind of humor that much in podcasts, so I'm kind of like, oh.
- [16:08]
Connell Barrett
Like, I'm just, yeah, I've taken a lot of improv classes and I've, for better or worse, my sense of humor is what it is. Which is why my girlfriend and I hit it off so much. She just loves my dad jokes. I'm like, marry me. But what I love about the topic tip you gave, it's like, I think, imagining, like you have, like, break glass for, you know, to put out fire. Break glass for conversation. I love the topic tip because maybe the most universal question I hear from men is some variation of what do I say? What do I say for my opener, what do I say on a date? What do I say when I want to approach? How do I ask her out? It's variations of words. And what I love about your topic tip is if you know the topic, the words will come to you. You don't script anything in life for the most part, unless you go in to ask your boss for a promotion. But mostly we go through life being spontaneous. Why the hell would you want to take get yourself out of that spontaneous place? So having that those backpacks will tell you what to say is what I say.
- [17:11]
Kavita Ajwani
And a little add on to that is also just thinking about what do you genuinely love talking about? Like, what are you so passionate about? What are those topics that you could go on and on until the sun comes up? And while you may have people in your life that are like, oh, no, not this again, you may be surprised because when a girl really likes you, she wants to hear you talk about things that you love. And when you are speaking passionately, it's less about what you're saying and it's more about your charm, it's more about your energy. There's this episode of Friends. It's one of the early, early episodes when Ross and Rachel are dating and he's. They're at an event and he's going on and on about his, you know, like, dinosaurs and fossils. And. And it goes, it cuts to this scene where it's her thinking and she's just like, staring at him and she's like, I love how passionate he is about his work. And the show has an ongoing joke about how nobody wants to hear Ross talk about dinosaurs and fossils. And again, so I would love to tell guys, focus less on exactly what to say. Definitely don't Come in trying to talk about things that she's going to be interested in. You're much better off talking about the things that you are genuinely interested in. It's not a hall pass to take up the conversation, you know, with fantasy football for two hours. That's not what. For sure not.
- [18:37]
Connell Barrett
Come on.
- [18:38]
Kavita Ajwani
Yeah, but. But you don't.
- [18:40]
Connell Barrett
Do you know who I have at quarterback coming up this next season? I can't lose. I can't lose.
- [18:46]
Kavita Ajwani
Even though I have the huddle and we'll get into that. I am just so not the sports person, but give me a great guy with great manners. And he talks a little bit about, you know, football on the date and, you know, 10, 15 minutes, and he's really passionate about it.
- [19:03]
Connell Barrett
Yeah, I'm gonna like that you're speaking my language. The power of being passionate about something is going to be really attractive to that woman, at least in general, because it shows you care, it shows you have interests. And women want to be around a guy who has his own unique interests. I once talked for 45 minutes about Abraham Lincoln on a date with a beautiful, wonderful woman named Lane, and she seemed to really like it, or at least she was interested. This is back when the Spielberg movie came out, and I was like, oh, my God, Abraham Lincoln, he was a genius. And the movie this, that, and she seemed to like it. Not good game that I would teach my guys, but it was my version of fantasy football.
- [19:48]
Kavita Ajwani
It's really nice to see someone in their element and when they get excited and whether. And so see them nerding out about something and. And it's so much better because women, everything comes down to energy. They are picking up on energy. So please don't come onto this date and talk to me about, I don't know, like, the latest show on Netflix. Because you think that's what I'm interested in, right? Like, we're not going to be able to form a connection that way. Like, show me. And I think it's also very sexy for a man to have the confidence to take up that space and to have the. Just to have it in him to be like, yeah, this is what I like. And I know it's nerdy, or I know it might not be for everybody, but I love it. And that's just me, like you said.
- [20:37]
Connell Barrett
Earlier, sexy in the sense that he's taking the conversational reins. You mean, and leading that conversational dance. Is that what you mean when I.
- [20:48]
Kavita Ajwani
Say taking up space? I mean actually having the confidence to say, I'm gonna Take up some room here and talk about something I know you may not be interested in. And that's okay.
- [21:01]
Connell Barrett
I like that.
- [21:03]
Kavita Ajwani
Yeah. When I'm sitting with, you know, my partner at dinner, we're not gonna just only talk about things that we mutually have in common. We're gonna talk about these are things that happened. And we. My day. This is what's happening in my world. And he's going to do the same. And that's also, of course, bonding over our shared interests. Yes. But tell me, tell me what your world is all about. Like, let me. Let me get into that. And we tend to think that someone would not be interested in this. There have been many times that I'm talking about my work or content creation or natural wine. I could talk to you about how natural wine is made, you know, And I'm like, okay, I swear, I'm just going to, like, talk about this for a few more minutes. And people are like, this is really interesting. Like, I didn't know natural wine was made that way. Or I didn't know. So much work goes into your videos. So when you actually share, I think actually I'll say this. Another thing that is very attractive to women is learning. Learning something like getting into your world. And when you. When you're teaching me something new, something I've never heard about before, that is also a very attractive quality.
- [22:16]
Connell Barrett
I can't let you leave this show without sharing some stories from your dating past, if you have any good ones. So you're partnered up right now? Is that what I heard you say?
- [22:25]
Kavita Ajwani
I am partnered up right now.
- [22:26]
Connell Barrett
Okay, well, then tell us some more stories. Tell us any. Any highlight moments or low light moments from men you've had dates with. Here's something. My guys ask a lot. What should I not do on a date? What are the mistakes to avoid? Do you have any stories or memories from. Oh, man, I can't believe that guy said or did this. To let my listeners say, okay, check. Don't. Kavita said, don't do that. I'm not gonna do it. Any thoughts?
- [22:57]
Kavita Ajwani
This is a hard. This is a hard one. It's very interesting that I am in this line of work because I have been two long term relationships, one for 10 years. And my current relationship is now going on 12 years.
- [23:13]
Connell Barrett
Okay, so you haven't dated a lot.
- [23:15]
Kavita Ajwani
It sounds like I'm not dating a lot.
- [23:17]
Connell Barrett
Fair.
- [23:18]
Kavita Ajwani
Short window of dating in between.
- [23:23]
Connell Barrett
And you're like the opposite of me. It's all I did is date for the better part of 15 years.
- [23:28]
Kavita Ajwani
Oh, my God. Well, I, I love it. And my expertise comes from running a speed dating company for 10 years.
- [23:34]
Connell Barrett
Okay.
- [23:35]
Kavita Ajwani
Running a matchmaking agency for six years, coaching. And it's just being in the weeds with so many singles day in and day out, witnessing thousands of interactions like out in the wild. And really seeing like, this is what works, this is what doesn't work. Watching the dynamics between two people and developing that skill for. Especially when I used to host my speed dating events, people would walk in and very quickly I would know, right? I'd be like, you have to go meet Jake. Like, you have to go meet Jake. Like, this is going to be a thing. Which naturally led to the matchmaking side of things over time. So that's where my expertise comes from.
- [24:15]
Connell Barrett
Let's talk speed dating. Because a lot of men do speed dating. Do's don'ts. Tips take us.
- [24:22]
Kavita Ajwani
I am the speed dating queen. Do's, don'ts. So how, how strategic do you want to get here?
- [24:32]
Connell Barrett
Let's get granular. Let's get in the weeds.
- [24:34]
Kavita Ajwani
All right, so there are the basics, of course. Look your best, smell your best, come in prepared. If you're feeling nervous, do what you need to do to shake it out. Before. I have clients who have gone on a run around like the building, like, so there was a restaurant, it was part of a building. And before he went in, like nerves were getting to him. These are all practices we've come up with. He's like, I went for a run around the building before I went in.
- [25:03]
Connell Barrett
I have done that.
- [25:04]
Kavita Ajwani
Oh yeah.
- [25:05]
Connell Barrett
I have run a New York City marathon worth of pre date jitter jogging.
- [25:10]
Kavita Ajwani
Yes, it works. It works into your body. Do the push ups, do what you need to do, but shake it out. There is a sweet spot in terms of what time you get there. So you don't want to get there too early and you don't want to get there once the crowd is already like in its flow. I don't mean speed dating has started, but you'll often get lost in the mix once everything is already like, everyone has their drinks, everyone's already like chatting. You don't want to get there at that point. Too early can be a little bit awkward too, like if you're the first, second, third person there. But if you can get there, and I know it's difficult to time, it takes practice. But if you can get to an event where, let's say I'll go with one of my typical speed dating events, I don't do this anymore. By the way. But in one of my typical events, let's say I had about 10 men and 10 women, okay, you would want to get there. Ideally, when there's like seven people there and you want to be the guy, here's what you're going to do. You want to be the guy that gets those seven or eight people comfortable and relaxed. So if you walk in, because there is an advantage when it comes to speed dating, where it's very like high school dance sometimes in the beginning. So women will kind of be on one side, men will be on the other side. Okay, no one's really talking. But if you can master this move of being the guy that when he gets there, you go up to those seven people, you introduce yourself, and you break the ice with something like, all right, guys, what are we being so shy about? What is this a high school dance? We're all about to. We're all about to meet. Anyways, let's just, you know, let's just do this now. And you start shaking everyone's hand introducing yourself. If there are women, which hopefully there are at that point, you will make such an impression off the bat, and they are going to remember you throughout the event. So when you sit down, you're not a complete stranger like most of the other guys are going to be. You will have already made an impression. And that tiny bit of familiarity can go a very long way, especially at an event where everybody is a stranger.
- [27:22]
Connell Barrett
Right? And this. Think of the social proof, the social stature you're conveying by saying, hey, why don't we all chat and connect? It sends great signals. It also gets you out of your head. I'd rather be talking to somebody than standing in the corner thinking, oh, God, here are my 17 things I'm going to say in my five minute date.
- [27:42]
Kavita Ajwani
100%. And it's one of those few environments that we could walk into where nobody knows us. So you can, you know, put on a different hat and be like, hey, I know I'm usually nervous, but I'm going to do this thing today. Yeah, right. There's nothing that is stopping you from being that guy today. And it's a lot more challenging once the room already has like 15 people in it. Because even when you're. Even if you're doing that, it's still great. Still do it. But in terms of everybody's eyes being on you and them being grateful that you're the guy to do that. Because when it comes to speed dating, one of the things you have to remember, I used to get all of these emails before the events with people saying, I, I'm so nervous. And I would always remind them everybody is in the same boat. We tend to feel like I'm going speed dating and I'm the only person in the world going speed dating today. Every other person in that room is probably nervous. For many it's probably their first time. So just remembering that the best thing you can do honestly is go in and help someone else feel at ease. You're ahead of the game.
- [28:59]
Connell Barrett
Love it. So that's a pre date tip. What about during the date do's don'ts for your guys? Let's say it's a. What's. What's a typical speed date interaction of 5 minutes or so? Usually something like that.
- [29:14]
Kavita Ajwani
Yeah. We used to do about seven to eight minutes depending on the group size. I think five minutes is very, very short. It just flies by. Advice I have though, and this is more for women than men to be honest. But I used to share this with women and for anyone listening, please know I have done my part on the women's side of really trying to have women understand, like, give these guys a break. Like don't be so dismissive. Especially, especially at speed dating events. It's like, what do you want someone to really do in five minutes that's gonna blow, blow your mind. So if you had a good time, if you laughed, if the five minutes or seven minutes actually flew by, those are indicators of like, yes, let's check this person off. There's enough here to explore a second date. Really. If five or seven minutes feels like a long time, probably not the best indication of maybe there's really not a connection here. But I always like to side on. I always like to recommend if you're on the fence when it comes to speed dating, go. Yes. What women will really appreciate at an event is it's quite typical for the first few dates to feel repetitive. There are men who, oh my gosh. There was a guy who came to one of my speed dating events and he had a book, like a book with questions and he opened it. I've seen it all. Not so not me personally on the receiving end of dates, but yes, I've seen it all.
- [30:45]
Connell Barrett
Okay.
- [30:45]
Kavita Ajwani
And would ask, he's like, hey, I'm going to go. Okay. You all right? I'm going to go here. So he was asking questions.
- [30:51]
Connell Barrett
All right. He prepared.
- [30:53]
Kavita Ajwani
It didn't go well. That was not received well. Bonus points for experimenting, trying something out, but didn't really work out. I think it's okay in the beginning to ease into a speed dating event in a pretty typical way. Have you done this before? Are you feeling nervous? Are you having a good time? What do you do for fun? Go through those questions. Because a lot of people, like I said, it is their first time doing it. Things may have changed a little bit now, but back in my day running these events, for a lot of people, it was something that they were trying for the first time.
- [31:28]
Connell Barrett
Sure.
- [31:29]
Kavita Ajwani
When we're doing something like that, coming in with these really creative, quirky questions may just feel a little bit awkward at the start. Give people a chance to ease into the end. Halfway through is if you do have something different to offer. And I would recommend it. Halfway through if you want to be the guy that stands out again, that's when you can be like, I don't know about you. This is starting to feel a little bit like I'm on an interview. What do you say we take things in a bit of a direct, different. What do you say if we take things in a bit of a different direction and I throw out some random, random questions at that point, a woman is going to be excited and she's going to be far more. It's going to come across as far more refreshing as a guy who's willing to take that risk where most guys are going to be just going through that cycle of similar questions.
- [32:22]
Connell Barrett
Right. It's a balance you want to try to meet or walk a balance you don't. You don't want to be like every other guy asking the same boring. So is this your first speed dating event only? But you also don't want to be so out of her experience of reality that off as reading from a giant book. No disrespect. Like he's. Like he's a minister on Sunday morning. You know, I like to read from the book of Daniel here on our. What I did in my speed dating single days is I'm. I was looking for. I was looking for an organic moment to turn this into something playful and that we can connect and make it fun. Whether or not we're a match, who knows? And I remember one speed dating event that went really well. Halfway through, I said, okay, I have an idea. No more questions. We can only make statements. We can literally only state things that are statements. It was actually a tip. It was a drill I learned in improv class. And so for the last three minutes, we would just. I feel this. You seem that. And it was a fun little mental challenge and that worked really well. And the other tip guys, your mileage may vary on this, but it worked for me is I remember it's kind of fun to break the rules of the event if you do it in a fun little collaborative way. I really liked a woman and I said, okay, I know I'm not supposed to do this, but tell me your number, I'll remember it. Okay. 917. Okay, got it. Nine, one, seven. That's three pounds less than I weighed in high school. Got it. And I would like try to remember her phone number. And she, she liked. Ooh, he's breaking the rule. Being a little bit of a, of a speed dating rebel. So for what that's worth, listeners, I.
- [34:04]
Kavita Ajwani
Think every time someone says something like, okay, like let's be rebels or you know, let's break the rules here, I think that can bring a really, just again, playful energy to it. I wouldn't recommend asking for a number on a speed date, but I also am like, you're the expert.
- [34:18]
Connell Barrett
Yeah, I might have gotten kicked out.
- [34:20]
Kavita Ajwani
So you're, you're breaking the rules in the wrong room right now.
- [34:23]
Connell Barrett
No, come on, look at me. I'm a badass, right?
- [34:26]
Kavita Ajwani
I think such a bad boy you're that. Yeah, you're a bad. One of the benefits to speed dating and of course you want to leave with matches. Of course that's, you know, the goal. But ultimately it is that environment where you can have pressure free interactions with someone else. Where if you're going to the right event, the organizers should be taking care of that phone number exchange at the end of it. It's not always the case. I'm hearing more and more that companies aren't doing that. Like you are expected to still get the number from each other. I don't agree with that. I can also talk at length about how to choose a great speed dating company. But that's the point, right? Go to an event where the organizers take care of the matches for you so that you can just like sit back and, and enjoy a conversation. And what a gift, especially for someone who hasn't dated in a long time. Or if you're having trouble getting th getting those first dates or if you really do want to practice your conversational skills and just be more comfortable in a woman's presence. These events are fantastic for that.
- [35:36]
Connell Barrett
Fantastic. There's something else that you sent me when we first were chatting. I want to ask you about topics for discussion. You said when, when we chat could involve AI, loneliness and real connection. Can you talk a little bit about AI and How it is affecting men, good, bad or neutral. What did you mean by that? How. What is the connection between AI and loneliness, if any?
- [36:05]
Kavita Ajwani
Yeah, I mean one of my girlfriends, one of my best friends, she. She has really turned to AI as almost like her therapist in a way. And of course I use, you know, chatgpt and all, you know, all the things all the time. I definitely rely on it. It's from much more of like, you know, it's replaced Google and it's for like work. But I'm actually seeing, this is in one case, I'm actually seeing like a friend of mine who's become very reliant as it. As an emotional support. So it's not only men, but what I've seen a lot of lately and especially in my group coaching, it's been coming up more and more just men struggling with pornography. I mentioned I have clients who rely on sex workers, escorts. Like this is such a big reality that is disconnecting men further and further from being able to date, from being able to form an intimate connection with a woman. And AI is taking it to that whole new level. So there is a very real feeling of connection being formed. And it's fake. It's fake. There's no emotion, there's no person on the other end. And this is only going to become a bigger and bigger problem in terms of the loneliness epidemic that men are already in and facing.
- [37:37]
Connell Barrett
No. And we look, there's a time and place for AI ChatGPT. I'm often asking Chat or Gemini questions that I want to know about something that's really simple and basic. Hey, what should I do with this recipe? How long do I leave it in the oven? But it's not a substitute for human connection.
- [37:59]
Kavita Ajwani
And it's scary. And for anyone who is really thinking about dabbling or just like checking it out for fun, I would refrain. So if you're a man and you are getting ads or anything about, here's your AI girlfriend, I would be very wary. I would be very, very wary and stay far, far away from it.
- [38:23]
Connell Barrett
Why?
- [38:25]
Kavita Ajwani
It's going to disconnect you further from the thing that you truly want. And the more you go along for that ride, you are going to have to take all those steps to come right back. It's like eating the pizza. Eating the pizza, eating the pizza and it can seem harmless and the bag of chips and ice cream and you are going to have to undo that work. If having a healthy, well, body is important to you one day, there is no escaping taking all of those steps backwards. And this is nowhere near even an eating thing where, yes, there could be emotional, you know, baggage attached to that as well. But this where it comes to matters of the heart. Right now I have clients that their dreams have come true. So working with me, they've met their person, and now they are experiencing a whole new set of. Of problems because of their previous porn addictions. Things that they would never have thought. Right. They're like, well, this is just a substitute until. And now it's like, oh, my gosh, this is what it's like to be with a real woman and a real woman's body and a real woman's brain.
- [39:39]
Connell Barrett
Yeah.
- [39:40]
Kavita Ajwani
Who's not catering to you because it's a service.
- [39:45]
Connell Barrett
Yeah. There's nothing, like, obvious thing to say on my part, but there's just no substitute for human connection. I have a client. I'll call him Todd. It's not his real name, but I'll call him Todd. And he came to me because he was, quote, unquote, dating or having a really strong emotional connection with a doll, an anime plush doll. And at first I thought it was kind of a little bit funny. I was making jokes about it just to myself. But then I talked to him and I understood where this was coming from. And it was because he was totally isolated from other people. He had a real strong issue or sorry, he. He lacked self worth and self confidence. His parents said terrible things to him about how you're not good enough. You'll never find love. And so he found it from a doll. And I'm glad to say he now has a looking like it's close to a girlfriend. And with a human woman, it's so much better. But, yeah, this is. It's not funny. Even though I first I went to a knee jerk. Oh, ha ha ha. He's dating a doll. But then I realized, oh, my God. He's dating from a place of pain and loneliness and human. Sorry, not human. Whether it's AI or an inanimate object, that's just not what we want.
- [40:56]
Kavita Ajwani
It's not what we want. And it's just very easy because we yearn for connection and we yearn for love. And this is something that we crave and we see it all around us. So it's a very natural feeling to gravitate towards wherever we're going to get it in the easiest way. How can I access this? And it's like, oh. And then you start to feel what it would even maybe feel like in real life in the Beginning, it's like, oh, this feels really good. Men want to be admired. And now this thing is admiring you and it's complimenting you and it's building up your confidence and we just start to create, create these stories and then we get lost in them and it's again, you are searching so deeply for connection and it is going to rip you apart from it.
- [41:46]
Connell Barrett
Yeah. Well, let's end on a really upbeat note, which is I want to talk about maybe some of your success stories, especially from Huddle 11 Elite, which is a female led coaching program that I love. I love men learning from women. I'm a male coach, but perhaps ironically, I actually love that. I think women are really the ones who teach this brilliantly. I teach to the best of my ability, but sometimes a man needs to hear it from a woman. Talk a little bit about Huddle 11 Elite and feel free to share a success story that just makes you smile.
- [42:22]
Kavita Ajwani
Yeah. So huddle 11, the nickname is the Huddle is exactly what you picture. Right. So it's a group of men, they support each other. They are on the same team in that they're working towards the same goals. Right. Everybody has a bit of a different story. They're coming from a different place, but the goal is the same. These are men who really are ready to find a relationship and take the necessary steps to get there. And it's a group coaching environment, it's mentorship. And I lead this group, so everybody in the group gets access to me as their dating coach, me as their mentor. And it's a really beautiful and safe space. I think a lot of men may not necessarily have that. You know, you mentioned your friend. Like they don't necessarily have a support system or even if they do this feeling of going out and looking for love, it can be a very solo feeling journey.
- [43:22]
Connell Barrett
Right.
- [43:23]
Kavita Ajwani
And for me, and especially being a woman, what I like to tell the clients that I work with is this feeling of partnership that you're looking for, of being supported and having a woman's perspective and someone who can really see you as your highest self, which is truly a gift that women have in this world. We have this ability to view other people and it can also be used the wrong way. But the way that a woman looks at another human being, that person that they're looking at, can, can rise to a specific vision. Just because a woman is holding them in that light, it's very, very powerful. And, and the reverse. So a woman who sees you in a, in another light, you know, you may fall Also to that vision. So choose the women in your life very carefully and be very selective. And that. I'm going off on a bit of a tangent here, but choose the right partner, right? So what I like to do and why I like to have men in my world is it is in a lot of cases their first experience having a woman really believe in them and show them what's possible in the realm of love and dating. So I say the feeling of partnership and not doing this thing alone. It starts when you enter the huddle because you have me to hold your hand, you have my support. And I always say I'm. I'm the girl in your corner till we find someone to take my spot. And that feeling is very loving, very safe. However, of course, I definitely have a tough love side. There is no, you know, playing around. But I really hold these men to a very high standard because I know that is truly them and what. And I know what they're capable of. And then it's within that environment that they start to see significant shifts in what's possible for them. Often something often things they've never experienced in dating before.
- [45:22]
Connell Barrett
I love it. And where can a man who's interested in learning about Huddle 11, where can he go to find more information?
- [45:28]
Kavita Ajwani
Yeah, so on Instagram is the best spot. And I actually have a little gift, Connell, for your audience or your listeners. I recently shouldn't have. I did go on. I recently taught a masterclass called the To Be Desired Masterclass. Two sessions. One is on the ultimate approach women strategies and guides. We both know that that is the hottest topic. And the other session is on Nice guy syndrome. So these are two together. They sell on my website, but I would love to offer it for free to anybody who is interested. So anybody who DM's me. Your name Connell. I am happy to send over the masterclass for free.
- [46:15]
Connell Barrett
Amazing. Well approaching and confidence and being able to meet women out in the real world, I think that's priceless to be able to do that in the right way. So thank you for preparing that for our listeners. I really appreciate that. All right, Kavita Adjoani, thank you so much for being here. Would you come back sometime? I'd love to talk with you about things like approaching, about matchmaking, about other how to decode women. Would you come back and speak some other time?
- [46:42]
Kavita Ajwani
I feel like we could definitely go on for several hours. Feel like we just started.
- [46:48]
Connell Barrett
I know.
- [46:48]
Kavita Ajwani
And looking at the time, I'm like, wow. Yeah, there's a lot. There's a lot to explore, So I am 100% in.
- [46:55]
Connell Barrett
Thank you for being here at Kavita, and thank you for listening. And. And don't forget your dream girlfriend, she is out there, but she's going to have to meet the real, authentic you. So be your best authentic self, and until next time.