← How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett
How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett
Tired of Swiping? How Matchmaking Can Set You Up with Incredible Women (Ditch the Apps for Good!)
00:57:54
Are you exhausted by dating apps? Tired of first dates with people who aren’t right for you? What if someone hand-picked incredible women for you to meet—women who are just your type? Dating coach Connell Barrett welcomes elite matchmaker Amy...
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- [00:00]
Connell Barrett
Wait, they got married? Or you mean they decided to get married on day two?
- [00:04]
Amy Anderson
Oh, they got married on day two. They got married, yeah.
- [00:20]
Connell Barrett
Welcome back to the how to Get a Girlfriend podcast. I'm your host, dating coach, Connell Barrett. I'm the real life Hitch. If Hitch was a skinny, nerdy ginger. I help men gain confidence, learn to flirt, and get a great girlfriend. But there's somebody else who helps men and women learn to flirt, gain confidence, and make great connection. And that's my guest today, Amy Anderson. Amy Anderson is a matchmaker. She is the founder and CEO of Lynx Dating, which is an exclusive matchmaking company and social network based in Silicon Valley. Since 2003, Amy has been helping high caliber professionals find love through a very personalized and confidential approach to making connections. In fact, she's been so successful at this that apparently they call her the Cupid of Silicon Valley. So today, Hitch meets the Cupid of Silicon Valley. Amy, welcome to the how to Get a Girlfriend podcast.
- [01:19]
Amy Anderson
Oh, thank you so much for having me here. I'm delighted to chat with you. We're going to have so much fun.
- [01:25]
Connell Barrett
We are, we are. And don't forget to check the show notes. You can learn a lot more about links dating and about amy@linksdating.com that's L I N X dating.com and that's also in the show notes. Okay, I'm curious. The cupid of Silicon Valley, where does that come from? Actually, I know where it comes from. It comes from you doing this for over 20 years. And I know that Lynx Dating has been called the Ivy League of matchmaking. What makes the approach you take at Lynx different from other matchmakers?
- [01:58]
Amy Anderson
For sure. So I think one of the major reasons Lynx is different is just being very selective. So I'm really cherry picking the types of gentlemen and women that I want to work with. And I'm keeping the focus truly based on the quality of the individual versus kind of the sheer volume. So I'm only working with a handful of people at any given time. So I think that that's a big difference compared to other firms that might really focus on a much higher volume of clientele. That's really cool. That's how they do their thing. But for me, I'm really selective because I really want to be able to allocate the necessary bandwidth and time for each client's project. And my process is also so in depth. Like just to give you an idea, when a prospect emails me to kind of introduce themselves to, you know, links to see if I might work with them, I take them as part of kind of a meet and greet process which can be sometimes, you know, five hours in person, just see if they're a fit. So I would say, you know, really selective with the types of people I'm working with and also just the personalization that entails the whole process. You know, it's certainly doing the matchmaking, but there's so much guidance and a little bit of coaching as I can prepare them for the different dates and the journey that they go on. Those would be kind of the major things on top of, I mean, as you indicated, the Ivy League of matchmakers, a lot of my clients did go to Ivy leagues. Of course that's not a requirement, but it's not especially in Silicon Valley, atypical that somebody went to a great unit university, have some rock star job. They're just impressive and extremely busy and sometimes very little time up until this point to date.
- [04:08]
Connell Barrett
Well, you anticipated my next question. One of the questions I get a lot from men clients and just men who are talking to me about dating is they say, how does matchmaking work? Is it right for me? How does it work? What do they do? Is it just like a, a cattle call of women you meet? Is it, is it right for me or not? Can you talk about the kind of, of single person gravitating toward my listener? The, the professionally successful male. What's the kind of guy who's a good fit for matchmaking and maybe a guy who's not a great fit?
- [04:43]
Amy Anderson
Great question. So I think the right type of individual is somebody who's probably dabbled with dating apps. Know they've checked those out, they've, they've experienced that.
- [04:56]
Connell Barrett
They've had been traumatized by it.
- [04:59]
Amy Anderson
Traumatized or they're realizing, oh my God, this is a lot of time. Like it is literally such an investment of time, almost what becomes like a full time job that they recognize that their bar is high, they're not going to settle, they've dabbled with that and now they're no. And maybe they've had a relationship, but maybe they just don't have the time to dedicate towards that anymore. So they're really looking for something different and they see the inherent value in working with a human. You know, that's, that's going to be able to apply their intuition and introduce them also to a really different demographic and different network of individuals. Keep in mind, a lot of the women in Links Dating are not necessarily on the dating app. So I think for a lot of these Guys that I'm working with, there is an inherent value in that. They're like, oh, that's cool. So, Amy, you're telling me that a lot of the women in links are not necessarily going to be on apps, so it's a totally different social network. So I think that that is very appealing. To answer your question, in terms of the type of client who's maybe not good for working with a matchmaker, I'd say it's somebody who is very accustomed to high volume dating. Right. And that then kind of the trend that we've seen through the dating apps and online dating, where it's the more, more, more the grass is always greener. Right. Somebody who almost is drinking that Kool Aid by the gallon and they're loving it, and that's fine. Like, that is their kind of mode and mentality that they're in. And that can be really hard because I've learned the hard way over the years where I try to reprogram that mindset going from volume to quality versus sheer volume and quantity. And that's really hard. Right. That that type of person's probably in a better mindset to stay dating through the apps or online. And maybe once they kind of burn out from that, then they can think about working with the matchmaker. Because generally speaking, most of us matchmakers do one introduction at a time. So that can be a shocking concept for somebody who's like, wait, what about ten or a hundred women? I'm like, what? I'm talking about one, I'm going to find you. And that's what we're talking about, like finding chemistry in that spark with one amazing person. Right.
- [07:42]
Connell Barrett
What a concept. Quality over quantity in 2025.
- [07:48]
Amy Anderson
Awful idea.
- [07:49]
Connell Barrett
And you totally nailed something a minute ago when you said or a few minutes ago when you said how personalized your work has to be. I feel the same way. We do slightly different things, but at the end of the day, you and I are trying to help people come together and find love. And I found in the dating coach world that everybody, every guy I work with has his own personal combination lock. We gotta unlock his confidence, unlock his ability to connect, unlock the kind of woman he's gonna have chemistry with. And so it's not a one size fits all world. From my end of things as a dating coach, can you talk a little bit more about how your personalization, how that is so important in terms of finding the right partner?
- [08:34]
Amy Anderson
Absolutely. So I think that it all inter kind of locks and everything kind of mer together now when you start working with a matchmaker. A lot of this is about kind of digging deep into kind of, you know, one psyche, what they're looking for, all the experiences they've had up into this point, you know, where I really encourage these men to talk about past relationships or if they haven't even had relationships, you know, why, you know, really kind of getting them to kind of uncover some of, you know, this, this history into their life. I find the more they talk about this, then we're slowly starting to kind of build those building blocks towards confidence. Right. That can then be parlayed into actually going out there in real life and striking up conversations with women. My. My whole thing is dating is a skill, right? Like anything in life, you know, dating is a skill and practice makes perfect. And to remember to be patient, I. Patience, like, with this whole process really pays off. And to remember that, like, we're all kind of operating in a really fast paced dating culture where a lot of these guys, I would imagine a lot of your clients are wanting to kind of like, find the one. And sometimes they can be impatient. But kind of the more patient you are with the journey, the more confidence you're going to build as part of the process and the more skills you're going to kind of gain. Right? So it all kind of begins to weave together as part of the process. And honestly, sometimes when I find my clients are least expecting it, that's when they find those sparks in the chemistry, because they're there in the moment and they just are themselves. And that's when kind of those sparks can happen and the conversation flows so much more organically. But that is a skill and you have to start somewhere.
- [10:51]
Connell Barrett
Can you point to one of your past clients, maybe a gentleman you worked with, and he was impatient, or he had a really bad date, or a woman you matched him with, it wasn't a fit, and he got a little bit down on himself. And then it happened. Then he found the one. Give us a success story, because we all need those.
- [11:14]
Amy Anderson
Yeah, no, absolutely. So one of my former clients, he was fishing in a very, we'll call it very narrow pond. So this is kind of like a success story, and I would say like a story of rigidity, if you will. So he was a Stanford grad and was looking for a match who was also a Stanford grad and somebody who had former athletic experience having been on a tennis team at Stanford, because he had been part of the Stanford tennis team way back when. And so I told him, okay, I think this is really Interesting if this is kind of your thing, but I think it's a little rigid. So I really wanted, though, to respect his criteria and his kind of hopes and dreams with this.
- [12:02]
Connell Barrett
Sure.
- [12:02]
Amy Anderson
We did a ton of introductions and he found that amongst these alumni that had played tennis for Stanford, he was kind of fumbling around where he just wasn't finding that chemistry he was hoping for. And the women felt that. I think maybe a lot of the first dates were a little forced because he really wanted it to work. So I think through that approach, he was almost trying to manufacture something that was not meant to be. So he went through, like, maybe I want to say six to eight of these very particular introductions. And then I said, okay, let's take a breath, take a few steps back and revisit your criteria and see if you can kind of widen the net a little bit and think about, like, maybe opening up your criteria to, you know, maybe different alumni from Stanford who did play a sport. Right. Maybe they're like really good at something else, which clearly, if you got into Stanford, you were or are, but maybe you can just be a little bit more open minded, I think, at that point. So it took some trial and error for him. Right. He was kind of willing to go through this process and then realize, okay, something ain't working, you know, so let's revisit the criteria. He listened to my advice, opened kind of his mindset, and started meeting other women who graduated from Stanford. And that is when he finally had the chemistry with some. Somebody who was definitely outside of her criteria or his criteria. You know, she had been a chess player at Stanford and was a swimmer, so, you know, certainly still athletic, but just somebody who is actually out of his original thinking. And so that is when the chemistry was there. It was easy. It was a really special situation for him because he was like, oh my gosh, like, I think I've met the love of my life. It definitely took some coaching from my angle for both of them, because I think for this woman, interestingly, we had recruited her. So she got like a cold email from me just saying, you know, I'm representing this gentleman. Are you single? If you are, I would love to talk to you and introduce you to the idea of potentially meeting this amazing client. And so she agreed. She ended up meeting him, but after a couple of dates, she actually had a pretty big freak out because it was almost too good to be true for her.
- [14:46]
Connell Barrett
Wow. This can't be real. This is too good. What's hard to.
- [14:50]
Amy Anderson
Yeah, yeah, it's like this guy came into her life from literally out of nowhere and was so, like, intentional and so just expressive and a good communicator and all these things that she had dreamed of, but it was almost, like, unreal. It just wasn't like a. It was like a fairy tale. And so I remember this is a couple years ago, I had a call with her, and I said, no, this is. This is actually real. This is really happening. Like, if you think he's maybe operating at a little bit of a quicker pace, then, you know, you're comfortable with, like, put it out there with your needs and your wants, because I can tell you, from my perspective, this is really special. And I think that, like, you guys could be, like, the real deal, but, like, really put it out there. Like, if. If you're a little scared right now, or if he's going at a faster pace, put that on the table. And importantly, that's what she did. And he respected that. So he kind of dialed back some of his intensity, and it's like his. His desire for that relationship. And I just told him, pump the brakes a little bit. We don't want to scare her off. Like, try to match her pace, which is going to be slower than yours. That's what he did, and it worked.
- [16:15]
Connell Barrett
Yeah. Don't force her to take tennis lessons with you if she doesn't want to.
- [16:21]
Amy Anderson
Exactly. Exactly. Jump in a pool. He's never been a swimmer. I said, jump in a pool. Like, do some of the hobbies and things that are important to her. And actually, I'm glad you brought that up, because, like, he totally did. He. Number one, he didn't really force her to learn to play tennis. He took an active interest in some of her hobbies. And he never thought he would be a swimmer, but he actually had gone through, like, I think it was a shoulder surgery. And so he's like, this is actually really cool. She's teaching me how to swim. I never thought I'd enjoy that. So it's kind of le in to the person that you're liking. Lean into the things that make them interested and the things that they are, you know, passionate about in their life.
- [17:08]
Connell Barrett
You mentioned this man with very specific tastes. Yeah, I. I worked with a matchmaker.
- [17:14]
Amy Anderson
I've worked with.
- [17:14]
Connell Barrett
I've worked with a couple of matchmakers in my single days. And one matchmaker, she told me some funny stories about very surprising, odd, unusual requests either from clients or maybe from a client of somebody who wanted to be a client. And then she said, you know what? I'm not a good fit for you. It's going to be hard for me to find a woman who is 5 foot 2.3, 17 centimeters high, who has this accent that. Do you have any funny stories about odd, unusual requests from your clients, male or female?
- [17:48]
Amy Anderson
Oh, my goodness. How much time do you have.
- [17:52]
Connell Barrett
Molly? How much time do you have doing the technical work? No. As much time as you need.
- [17:58]
Amy Anderson
Well, so it's not unusual to get funny and quirky requests here in Silicon Valley. It kind of goes with the territory, I think. But I was representing a prince in the Middle East a few years ago, and he flew into America, specifically to my office here in Silicon Valley with one of his assistants, and, you know, laid on my couch very Freudian style, kind of kicked off his shoes and was very relaxed. So I said, okay, I must be doing something right. And his request was meeting a Stanford grad and a Stanford grad of like a very, kind of particular beautiful, yet very, I would say, kind of voluptuous, curvy body type of a very specific age. So I started kind of adding all these different things up and on top of that, somebody who wanted multiple kids, who had, you know, a very good job, but was pretty ready to probably give that up to start, you know, planning a family and like, bearing children. So that's a very particular, isolated type of woman. I think for me, the challenge was, you know, a lot of these highly educated, accomplished women in Silicon Valley, you know, sure are going to be looking for kids, but to give up a career and kind of give up all these things, things to start, like, producing offspring, you know, what would be decidedly much more traditional in fashion, like, from the get go at such a young age in today's modern society, that's going to be tough. That's going to be a very tall order. So I tried to see if he could be flexible, and he's like, no. Like, this is why I'm coming to you. I know you can do this for me. I was like, kind of biting my tongue, like, okay, cool. Like, we're, we're off to the races. I'm excited. So, I mean, I did everything to try to find this match. I went on campus, I literally chased after women to try to find the right. It's like running after them. And I'm like, are you single? And I was on body type, and I was like, oh, my God, what am I doing? But anything for a prince and royalty in the Middle east, right? I mean, it was. And he had quite a few matches, actually. So Everything was going right. But I think the big thing for what was occurring with representing him as a client and these highly accomplished women that I was doing introductions to him for was that it was really the geography. I mean, the expectation was that they were going to move overseas. So that. That's a big ask. So he had had many different introductions, but nothing was really clicking. So a lot of first dates, some second dates, and then we kind of like I just let him date on his own for. And then one day, a former woman that had been passive in my database emailed me randomly and she said, do you have any matches for me? And I was like, oh, my goodness. I think she could be great for him. And made the introduction. They ended up getting married on date two. Crazy. Crazy. They got.
- [21:23]
Connell Barrett
Wait, they got married? Or you mean they decided to get married on day two.
- [21:26]
Amy Anderson
Oh, they got married on date.
- [21:28]
Connell Barrett
They got married.
- [21:30]
Amy Anderson
Yeah. Yeah. Literally boarding the plane, going out.
- [21:33]
Connell Barrett
Wow.
- [21:34]
Amy Anderson
Yeah, it's a crazy story. Now they have three kids.
- [21:36]
Connell Barrett
Oh, my gosh. That's incredible.
- [21:38]
Amy Anderson
Very cool.
- [21:39]
Connell Barrett
That is wild. That's a great, great story.
- [21:45]
C
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- [22:53]
Connell Barrett
There's a question that my clients hate to hear from women on a date.
- [22:58]
Amy Anderson
Yeah.
- [22:59]
Connell Barrett
And I would love to get a woman's perspective on what a good answer to this is or what women are looking to hear. How to answer it in an honest but smart way. As a single man, so many of my clients hear the question, so what are you looking for? What are you looking for? And it drives them crazy. And I have my coaching on how I have them answer that. But I'd love to talk, to ask the advice of a very successful matchmaker. What do women, what are they, what are women asking when they ask that question? And how should men answer that?
- [23:31]
Amy Anderson
So in terms of kind of what a woman is looking for in a.
- [23:35]
Connell Barrett
Man, when, when a woman asks on a first date or before a first date, so what are you looking for? Yeah, a lot of men struggle with an answer to that. Any thoughts on a. The right way to think about that question and answer it in an honest way, but also a way that is a good answer.
- [23:53]
Amy Anderson
Absolutely. So I think it really depends on kind of where he is at. Right. If he's looking to just date and enjoy kind of, you know, meeting different women and he's kind of unsure of what the next six to 12 months look like. I would say, you know, I'm really enjoying kind of the here and the now and meeting people, putting myself out there and meeting accomplished, you know, attractive women like yourself. Right. I mean, that's, that's, I think, a really honest answer. If he's looking for a relationship. Right. Then I would say something like, you know, I'm, I'm here with the intent of finding the right person. Granted, I think it's a struggle and it's challenging, but I'm, I'm feeling a connection with you. My goal is monogamy. My goal is having a family one day and finding that right person who shares those same values. And then I would volley back, what about you? You know, where's your head at with all this? Like, dating can be so tough, right. So just being very present, very honest, but then voling back. And I think like, if any of your guys struggle with that, be in the power seat for them to bring that up before they are asked. Right.
- [25:20]
Connell Barrett
Be proactive.
- [25:21]
Amy Anderson
Absolutely. I always tell people if there's ever kind of that hot button question or that topic that people are just like, oh God, they, they're getting kind of nervous, the butterflies are there. Or it's just addressing that elephant in the room. Be in the power position and in the power seat to bring it up before it's ass in that way. It's like, ah, take that deep breath. You just got that off your chest. No big deal. You're in the clear and you're cruising on to the next topic. Right. And why not do that earlier on on the Date or in that conversation. Right. Versus again, kind of dreading when it's going to come up. Right? So I. These guys are far better served to bring that up on their own and offer that up and then get her talking. What's her deal?
- [26:18]
Connell Barrett
Good advice. Very good advice. So I had a couple great experiences with matchmakers in the past, and I just. There was something so great about the feeling of having somebody out there looking out for me. I literally once had my former matchmaker. 1. She once called me on a Friday night. She's at a loud bar, and she's like, hey, Connor, hold on, I have somebody you want to talk to here. And gives the phone to a random woman. Hello. And I'm like, hey. Hello. She's like, yeah, Bonnie said you should talk to me. I guess you're like some kind of a dating coach. Before I knew it, I was on a date with her, this woman. And it just felt so good to feel like, oh, there's this champion out there for me.
- [27:01]
Amy Anderson
Me.
- [27:01]
Connell Barrett
And I remember thinking at the time I was. I was on the apps, doing a lot of dating myself, because that's partially my job, but also I enjoy it, but for a busy person, yeah, I can see the. The value in. Let me have my. My army. My. My you. Y ou army out there for you. For me. Finding somebody for me. So I don't really have a question. I just wanted to show I just loved how it felt having somebody like, yeah, she's on my side. It felt great.
- [27:30]
Amy Anderson
Well, no, I so appreciate that. And that is very cool that that matchmaker did that and just is thinking, you know, thinking about you. And. And it sounds like that matchmaker really wanted the best for you. Right? Like, really thinking about how to best serve your needs. And it's clearly like, you know, in the matchmaker's life, like, proactive. She's putting herself out there. She's socializing and meeting people. And I think that is, you know, for your listeners, one of the. Definitely one of the unique value adds. Like, there's a lot of matchmakers like myself where we are out there. Like, I am out there basically, 24 7, 365. I'm thinking about my clients, and the crazy thing is, like, I just never know where the perfect match is going to be for my clients. And so, like, I'm thinking right now about an example I can share of one of my recently married couples. They got married over Thanksgiving, and I was representing the gentleman as my client, and he had had one serious relationship from my introduction but that did not pan out in terms of a long term relationship or marriage. So it was kind of back to the drawing board. And, you know, I was cycling through different women in my database. Then fast forward. I went to my friend's Persian New Year party at her home. She happens to be my neighbor. So I'm there at this, this fun, festive New Year's party. It was like a dinner party. People are having cocktails and just mixing and mingling. And I lock eyes on this woman who is in her 60s. Side note, my male client was in his 60s. I'm looking at this woman, I kind of scan her up and down. She's probably thinking, what's going on here? Why is this woman checking me out? And I approached her and I just said, excuse me, are you single? And she kind of was like deer in headlights, like, where's this going? And I just said, I'm Amy. I'm a professional matchmaker. Based on like, your energy and just observing you speak. Because it's true, she was very articulate and eloquent in the way she was speaking. I said, I think actually you could be really an interesting fit for my client. And I literally have never done this before, Connell, but I said, I'm going to make a quick video of you right now. I want you to just introduce yourself. And so all of a sudden, I'm holding the iPhone up and recording her. And I immediately sent that to my client. I said, I think I've just met your future person. I matched them and they ended up getting married. Like, it was just, it was such a crazy situation. And that goes to show, like, for your guys, like, if you're hiring a matchmaker, make sure matchmakers are not limiting to just their database members. Like, you want someone who's out there, who's networking, who's social, and as your story indicated, like, who's always looking out for the client. Right? Because one never knows. And that's the exciting thing in working with a matchmaker is just like somebody who is your greatest champion and who's on the sidelines, like, cheering for you.
- [30:44]
Connell Barrett
Like, what do you do when you get this kind of male client? Because here is the kind of guy who might be listening right now. Yeah, he goes on dates, he's a good conversationalist. There's no awkward pauses. He can talk about himself, he's articulate, he's together, he's got a good job. But he struggles with flirting. He's not sure either topics to talk about on a date or he's not sure how to help himself and the woman he's on a date with open up. And he gets stuck in that dreaded, quote unquote friend zone where a woman or multiple. Maybe you've seen a pattern where a male client of yours has had multiple women say, hey, I seem like a nice guy, but I just wasn't feeling what I want to feel, even if on paper he's a great catch. How do you help men like that? Do you have any tips for men like that who might be listening right now saying, oh, my God, I'm so tired of the friend zone. What do I do? Help me, Amy.
- [31:40]
Amy Anderson
Absolutely. So this is very common territory for so many people that I work with on both sides, right? For women, for men, for everybody in between. So this. This is tough, right? I think the key is, remember the context. What are you doing as you're entering that restaurant or bar or park wherever you're meeting her? The context is a date. So lean into that energetically, remembering the context and the environment in the situation. This is not a work meeting. This is not a boardroom meeting. You're not having a job interview, you know, for that dream job, Right? Because people are going to read that energy immediately. So lean into the situation and remember that these women are there to meet you and genuinely have agreed to meet you for the purposes of a date. So when you remember that, I think that is step one that's really going to help. Number two is be an interesting and an interested person, right? So again, kind of that theory of leaning into the date, you are asking her questions about herself, trying to peel those kind of emotional layers, right? And. And remember that, like, emotions don't always follow logic. I think a lot of very analytical and log guys really want, you know, to figure things out and find that chemistry and sometimes force something, right? But it's really important to kind of peel those layers back and remember that there's a lot of, you know, importance of, like, nuances and feelings and trying to kind of tap into the emotion of things by being a little bit vulnerable and sharing about yourself. I have one client I'm representing right now, and he goes out on a fair amount of dates, and these are all really good dates on paper on both sides. But the feedback from these women is that, you know, Amy, he didn't ask me a lot of questions. Like, he seems like such a nice guy and I should feel the chemistry and I should like him, but he's almost too robotic, right? So I really encourage him to, number one, work on himself. Like, I've encouraged him to, you know, maybe do a little. A little bit of therapy. So that can kind of help him tap into some of his emotions. Or hiring a date coach like yourself, that can really kind of help him, guide him through this. But I think remembering that the, the logical side and the emotional side are two totally separ things, right? Be that interesting person in who you're going out with and interested in her and also showcasing some of your vulnerabilities and emotional side. And maybe that's how you will start to feel that connection and peeling back those layers.
- [35:03]
Connell Barrett
Yeah, you need to be a little bit more Captain Kirk, a little less Mr. Spock. Yes. It's way too much logic and analysis. Two or three things I have my clients do to help them do that is literally start off sentences on a date with I feel. Oh, I feel this. Here's how I feel about my New Year's resolutions. Here's how I feel about the holidays that just happened. Starting sentences with I feel because that primes your logical, robotic, analytical mind to start thinking through the lenses of emotions. And that's what humans and women really respond to, is, you know, we're emotional people. So feel. And asking her feel questions, not just purely informational questions. So it's not just, oh, when did you graduate? How long have you worked at that firm? When did you move to that place? What did it feel like when you won your first court case? What did it feel like when you finished your master's and through your. Your mortarboard up in the air? So, yeah, I forget who said it wasn't me, but I love the quote, flirting is the opposite of logic. It's got to be emotional or emotion based.
- [36:15]
Amy Anderson
Yes, exactly. And it takes practice. Right. Again, practice makes perfect. It's a skill. So the more you can just put yourself out there and even practice. Like my thing, what I tell everybody, is walk up to strangers, just say hi in social situations and introduce yourself. Like, say hi. And practice some of those skills of flirting. See how women respond to it. Right. Even if you fumble around a little bit or somebody is not receptive, then move on to the next person. Right. You're putting all these different techniques and practices into your, what I call kind of laboratory. Laboratory. And again, this is all part of your confidence building and boosting. So when you meet that right woman, you're going to be prime, you're going to be ready, it's going to feel good, and you're in cruise control. Like, I got this. This is no big Deal.
- [37:19]
Connell Barrett
Well said. Very well said. Next question I wanted to ask you, I've been meaning to ask you this, but I thought let's save it for the podcast instead of me texting you. So this podcast is called how to Get a Girlfriend. And a great way to get a girlfriend in part is to project and let her feel and see that I'm going to be a pretty damn great boyfriend, right? If you had to build a not perfect, but a attractive, dateable, great boyfriend in a Frankenstein laboratory, if you're building the perfect boyfriend, what are two or three traits that you would say, oh, here's what women are looking for in a potential partner.
- [37:59]
Amy Anderson
Absolutely. So I think communication, communication is critical, right? Somebody who says what he does, basically, and vice versa. So if he says, I'm going to call you on Tuesday at 7pm he's going to be consistent with following that communication, right. I think women are really, from that baseline perspective, looking for a man who is consistent in general, consistent with his behavior, consistent with his communication that makes us women feel really safe and that he's trustworthy. Like trustworthiness and consistency of communication is so important. So I would say in the magical laboratory, like that's the first part that I'm going to sprinkle into this like perfect, perfect specimen. I think the other thing is somebody who is responsible, right? Responsibility in terms of the actions that he takes in his life, right. The decisions he makes. Like that signals to a woman that especially if she's in finding a future partner mode and the, you know, father of her children one day mode, that this guy is somebody who is going to be reliable, right? So kind of the reliability, the responsibility, the consistency of communication. Oh, gosh, like we're getting really close to kind of manufacturing and creating this perfect weird science guy, right? Oh, it sounds fabulous right. Now I think the third thing is integrity, right? Like having that moral compass and, and it all kind of merges together in terms of the reliability, the responsibility, the consistency. A man who is a good person, right. I think what this is signaling to your listeners is that the notion of needs to be a certain height or has a certain bank account, right. Are nice to haves. But I'm telling you, it is really the baseline of the integrity, the, you know, the moral choices is a good to great communicator. That's what women are looking for. So if we can merge all those things together and put it in a blender and a magic wand, that's I would say for me that would be kind of the, the Universally amazing specimen that we just created in our laboratory.
- [40:45]
Connell Barrett
Dear listener, did you hear what she did not say? Amy did not say, well, you need eight pack abs and you need nine figure bank account and you have to be really charismatic and. But not too, but not too available. No, you just said be a good guy. Integrity, consistency, believe in yourself, say and do what you say you're gonna say and do. That sends all the right signals. I couldn't agree more.
- [41:11]
Amy Anderson
Absolutely. I mean, it is actually very rare. In fact, I do not recall the last time a woman said needs to have chiseled abs. I mean, maybe they were joking, but women are not looking for that now. There are certain universal signs of healthy right where it's a daily movement, walks, you know, goes outside to get some sunlight, things like that that are, I'd say more basic things, but it is back to my earlier point of the morals. The integrity can communicate, is consistent, makes her feel safe. That's what women want. I mean, truly.
- [41:53]
Connell Barrett
God bless women. So I have never seen my abs. My abs are on a milk carton. I don't know where they are, what happened to them. But there's. So here's what I've Learned in my 20 years of working on my dating life and coaching for 13 now is the beautiful thing about women is they're gonna focus on the one physical thing that you do offer that they like and they're gonna hone in on that. So I don't have any abs, but my girlfriend likes my arms. So guess what I spend three days a week working on in the gym and you can see me. I don't have giant muscles, but they're nice. They're a little bit Tony. And that's all that my girlfriend Jess needs to see. She's like, ooh, your arms look good today. I'm like, yeah, babe, I know you like that, don't you? So if you can just pick one part of your physical attractiveness to lean into that you already have, you don't need to be 6, 4. You don't need the abs. Maybe it's your arms, maybe it's style, maybe it's shoulders. Just pick that one thing and women are going to look at the whole package and then they'll dial in on that one thing and go, okay, he's good looking enough stuff.
- [42:59]
Amy Anderson
I love that. I love that you said that. So. And I think honestly, if your guys don't know what that is, ask your peers, like, ask your buddies. Be like, dude, I'm not hitting on you right now. But just tell me like what's my best asset, physically speaking? And tell me because like, then that way once you have that information and you know, if you have siblings, ask your siblings or work peers, whatever it is, like lean into your community to get that feedback and then you can really play up that one physical aspect and have fun with it. Right. That's your thing.
- [43:36]
Connell Barrett
Yeah. And I'll throw one other thing back to the great point you made about those three Frankenstein boyfriend traits. You already said this earlier, but I wanted to underline something. You talked about vulnerability. My word for that is authenticity, really leaning into being who you are. So I like to encourage my clients and the listener to do the things you can do, to project things like consistency. Just be consistent, be congruent, and to back up what you say with what you do. At the same time, I love. So a big mistake that many men make is I'm going to try to impress her. I'm going to tell her a story about the time I hit the home run in high school to win the game. I'm not saying don't talk about that if it comes up organically. But I love my clients to come armed to a date, ready to tell vulnerable stories. Story. Tell a story about the thing they screwed up and they learned from. Tell the story about the time they. In my case, sophomore year of high school, I faked back spasms to get out of a geometry test because I was going to fail. And my parents, instead of taking me home like I thought they were going to do, they took me to the hospital and I had to have all these MRIs and X rays for non existent back pain.
- [44:48]
Amy Anderson
Very creative.
- [44:51]
Connell Barrett
And once you lie, you got to commit to the lie. So at the end of this long crazy afternoon of tests that I, that I didn't need, the doctor told my parents that I had scoliosis, which I didn't.
- [45:03]
Amy Anderson
Oh my gosh.
- [45:05]
Connell Barrett
And then I failed the test and I went to summer school and I got. And it was nightmare. Bottom line is that the story doesn't make me look good, but because I'm laughing about it now, it gives a really good impression that you can be vulnerable. You can laugh at yourself. So I like the idea of conveying some kind of vulnerability.
- [45:22]
Amy Anderson
Yes, I'm with you a hundred percent. I think there's something to. In terms of impressing a woman, like pay her a compliment. Yes, gentlemen, like be a good guy. If you asked her out for the date, then treat her for the day like just be a good guy. But definitely Be human. Right? We all arrive at the dating equation with scars and little warts and funky things and just like a. A whole history of life experiences that make us into the unique individual that each and every one of us are. So I do think there's something really beautiful to sharing. Like, just something like, you know, I. I love what you said about kind of the story of, like, overcoming, you know, some obstacle, right? And that is a really attractive thing for women, where it's like, okay, like, this is a really interesting guy who's able to kind of overcome a situation and move on from that. Right? Versus, like, let me tell you how great I am and how well I do and all these different accolades and awards I have, it's like those trophies and that kind of shiny object. Yeah, that's, like, attractive. But those things fade over time. You know, women, again, are looking for a real connection and somebody who's going to be a little bit vulnerable. And that is how, as we talked about earlier, that's how that heart and emotional connection is going to happen. Right? Kind of when we let the facade fade away and we're just more real, raw, authentic, and our vulnerable self.
- [47:08]
Connell Barrett
Preach it. Preach it, Amy. Okay, a couple final things here. Oh, by the way. So the back. The. I faked back. I faked back spasms to get out of a geometry test. I crushed on hinge. I got all these likes on my prompt. So feel free if you have whatever your embarrassing high school grade school story is, feel free to test drive that on a dating app. App profile. If you're. If you're on the dating apps, I.
- [47:36]
Amy Anderson
Have something I want to mention on that. Many years ago, when I was testing out different, like, dating profiles, I mean, actually, this is when I was single. Way back when on match.com, i. Just for fun, I was testing things out, R D and I said that I had a pet rat. And I know, and I've got to say, I love rodents. Oddly, a lot of men were like, oh, my God, tell me more about your rat. Okay? And I just said, it's my thing. I've been into rodents a long time and gerbils, hamsters. And I think because it was so freaking unusual and, like, quirky, it was just weird. It was off topic. It was unexpected. And that is what I think when you. You can create the profile that is a little bit quirky and random, like, the right person is gonna bite at that because it's just different, right? It's not like your prototypical dating profile. So the rat thing did did very well with research. Then I started kind of using that in real life. I'm like, I have a pet rat. They're like, do you really? I'm like, no, I don't.
- [48:55]
Connell Barrett
The sound you hear right now is. Is thousands of men going on their hinge, writing, I have a. A. A pet rat. If it works, it works. Okay, so I'm happily coupled. I have an incredible girlfriend named Jessamine who sometimes pops up on the podcast. But I thought I'd put you to the test. If I was a single man and you had to set somebody up for me for a matchmaking first date, what kind of woman would you match me up with? What are you thinking?
- [49:24]
Amy Anderson
Absolutely. Well, not knowing what Jessamine looks like, I would. Would think that you are somebody who definitely values quality time with your partner. So probably somebody who has taken the love language test and who is a good match of that, too, who really values that in person time. You're definitely really smart. You're bookish. Clearly, from behind you, I see a lot of books. So probably somebody who is going to value that as well, who's articulate, who's a really good conversationalist, a strong communicator, and then just fun. I would think. And I would imagine, given that kind of. The quality time is important, geographically centric. So somebody who's going to be, like, very close in your geographic vicinity would be really important. So that way, like, dating is easy, and you can meet up spontaneously and say, hey, babe, let's go get a coffee or a drink, lunch. Versus having to plan something that's much more regimented for weeks on out. If there's a date, divide geographically.
- [50:27]
Connell Barrett
Yeah, no, spot on. Yeah. If I was single, I would definitely be gravitating toward somebody who I have a verbal connection with. I'm a big. I love deep, fun conversations, playful conversations. Hopefully, that comes across on the podcast here. It certainly comes across in my dating life, and I just want a nice girl who just wants to adopt a rat with me, raise a little rat, and it's not so much to ask. That's what I'm looking for. I want a rat.
- [51:02]
Amy Anderson
No.
- [51:02]
Connell Barrett
You nailed it. You absolutely nailed it. Okay, last question. If you're gonna do a TED Talk, the links Dating TED Talk or the Matchmaking TED Talk. And the TED Talk is going to be titled the Secret Dating Hack Nobody Talks About. What would that hack or tip be?
- [51:21]
Amy Anderson
Ooh. I think the secret kind of dating hack is remembering your social network. Your network is everything, and you have a community of peers. Colleagues and people in your vicinity that you can lean into and really lean into for dating advice, for setting you up with people and also giving you feedback. Right. Like asking your peers, you know, I. I met this woman. Like, she didn't want to go out with me again, like, am I doing anything wrong? You know, having them help guide you through their experiences. Importantly, also in your network, that is right. You know, in front of you and presumably surrounding you. You looking at any examples of couples that you know that are successful couples and asking them to dinner and having conversations with them about, like, when they met, like, what attracted them to each other if they were their type. Right. So really trying to kind of lean into your community for any advice about, like, like successful couples that, you know, that, you know, that met. And were they their type necessarily or was something unexpected about, you know, the connection, how long they dated before they got serious, what makes them work, what is the secret sauce, you know, in silicon terms, that is the glue that holds these successful couples together. So really tapping into your community appears for dating advice, guidance, feedback, wisdom. That is one of the most powerful dating hacks and tips I could give your listeners. Right. Like, sometimes it is the most obvious things that we are not even thinking about. Sometimes we, you know, think we have to spend, you know, thousands and thousands of dollars for something when it's right around us. Us. Right. So not fearful in a lot of cases, not being fearful about asking friends or our community for help and wisdom and guidance. Often people really like to share stories.
- [53:46]
Connell Barrett
Oh, yeah. And a lot of people love doing what you do, even though they're doing it in an amateur way. Being a matchmaker, one of the things I have my clients do if they want to, is open up a, what I call social circle dating funnel. Because most guys are like, okay, let me go on the apps. Let me approach. Women finally get the nerve up to do that. But so few people, especially men, maybe there's a little bit of a masculine ego that gets in the way, and they're afraid to reach out to two or three friends and say, hey, I'm single. I'm looking to mingle. Do you know anybody who's almost as awesome as me, who I might connect with? And I found that so many of them are pleasantly surprised to find that their friends or acquaintances are like, oh, my God, I know the perfect person for you, and I, I want to help you, not, you're bothering me. But we love to matchmake in life. I found so many people do.
- [54:35]
Amy Anderson
Absolutely. And expanding on that note, I think the other key is so when your guys are now out there, they're putting themselves out there, they're leaning into these wonderful experiences in life and being open to the grand possibilities. Even if you are going on dates, dates, and you realize, net net, she's not your woman, like the chemistry's off. Keep those windows and doors open for other possibilities. You know, be friendly, be a good guy, be kind. Remember again, the context, like you guys are in the same boat together. Even if she's not like your person and the love of your life, be friendly and keep, keep possibilities open. Because like, imagine six months down the road, you know, if you were that nice guy who just treated her well and she was kind to you back. Like maybe she's throwing a dinner party and she invites you because she's looking for a single friend. Like you're still single, she's looking for a single guy to add to the dinner party. And maybe you're at her dinner party, it's a potluck, you're sitting across from somebody and that becomes the love of your life. Right. So keep those possibilities open by just being a good person. And then back to those earlier points I made. You know, just being consistent with communication. You're a good guy. Yep. The, the world is amazing. Like if you lean into possibilities, like anything is possible.
- [56:11]
Connell Barrett
Yes. Hell yes. That's a great. Some words of wisdom to end on. I would love to keep talking to you, Amy, but you know, those back spasms are coming back, so I really need to go to the hospital. For somebody who's interested either in learning more about how they might work with you or they just want to learn more about matchmaking. Where should they go? Where should he go? What should he do?
- [56:34]
Amy Anderson
Absolutely. So thank you. So I have a really comprehensive content based website. It's linksdating.com L I N X dating.com Furthermore, you can follow me on social on Instagram, it's Ms. Linkstating. So m s.l I n X D A T I N G. I'd love if you follow and thank you so much.
- [56:59]
Connell Barrett
Do you have pictures of you and your non existent rat on your Instagram?
- [57:03]
Amy Anderson
I need to post the rat. Do a little story about the rat.
- [57:07]
Connell Barrett
Oh man. I'm going to test a rat based prompt as soon as we wrap up and see what happens.
- [57:14]
Amy Anderson
That was a great but like a rat. Yeah.
- [57:18]
Connell Barrett
Amy Anderson, Links Dating. Thank you so much for being here and thank you for listening. I know you have 8 billion podcasts, sir, you could be listening to and you spent an hour with Amy and me. Thank you. Don't forget your dream girlfriend. She is out there, and she's going to love you, but she's going to have to meet the real, authentic you. So go out there, take action. Carpe datum. Seize the date until next time.