Tongue-Tied with Women? Become a Funny Flirt with 3 Simple Moves and Get Her Giggling! (Live Coaching with Jake)

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Tongue-Tied with Women? Become a Funny Flirt with 3 Simple Moves and Get Her Giggling! (Live Coaching with Jake)"

Podcast Information:

• Title: How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett
• Host/Author: Connell Barrett
• Episode Title: Tongue-Tied with Women? Become a Funny Flirt with 3 Simple Moves and Get Her Giggling! (Live Coaching with Jake)
• Release Date: May 20, 2025

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1. Introduction to the Episode

[00:00] Connell Barrett kicks off the episode with his characteristic humor, sharing a joke about Nickelback to set a relaxed and engaging tone. He introduces the focus of the episode: a live coaching session with Jake, a 31-year-old educator struggling with flirtation and humor during dates. Connell emphasizes his coaching philosophy of fostering "Radical Authenticity" to help men connect authentically with women without resorting to inauthentic pickup tactics.

Notable Quote:

“I coach gentlemen, good guys, intellectual types, white collar guys, sometimes shy introverts.” — Connell Barrett [00:00]

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2. Understanding Jake’s Dating Challenges

[03:58] Jake opens up about his long-standing difficulties in initiating humor, flirtation, and teasing, particularly with women he’s interested in dating. Despite being able to hold interesting conversations and ask intriguing questions, Jake feels that his interactions lack the romantic tension necessary to spark attraction.

Key Points:

• Struggles with starting humor and flirtatious conversation.
• Tendency to default to analytical and logical dialogue.
• Fear of being tongue-tied and not knowing what to say next.

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3. The Art of Teasing and Flirting

[06:44] Connell Barrett delves into the nuances of teasing as a form of flirting. He differentiates between positive, playful teasing and negative, demeaning remarks (known as "negging"). Connell provides guidelines for effective teasing:

• Be Light and Surface-Level: Focus on non-sensitive topics such as taste in music, movies, or harmless quirks.
• Avoid Sensitive Areas: Steer clear of comments on alcohol consumption, weight, or other potentially offensive subjects.

Notable Quote:

“Teasing is a way to show, hey, I like you.” — Connell Barrett [07:55]

Example: Connell uses the example of teasing someone about their first concert being Nickelback:

“You might find out her first concert was Nickelback. And you could say, what? Your first concert was Nickelback… [10:05]” — Connell Barrett

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4. Utilizing Sarcasm and Observational Humor

The discussion transitions to the use of sarcasm and observational humor as effective flirting tools. Connell explains how sarcasm can be paired with sincere compliments to create playful banter without coming off as insincere or harsh.

Key Techniques:

• Sarcasm with Compliments: For instance, saying, “Oh, you definitely don’t look absolutely incredible tonight,” where the sarcasm underscores the genuine compliment.
• Observational Humor: Commenting on the environment or situational quirks to create shared moments of laughter. For example, remarking on another couple’s behavior or unique circumstances at a venue.

Notable Quote:

“Flirting is a game of expressing yourself without coming off as a performance.” — Connell Barrett [16:21]

Example: Connell shares a personal story where he teased his girlfriend Jess about her pronunciation, blending humor with affection:

“I love that trashy Connecticut accent.” — Connell Barrett [10:31]

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5. Strategies for Speed Dating

In response to Jake’s preparation for an upcoming speed dating event, [25:08] Connell Barrett offers tailored advice to maximize his chances of making meaningful connections within a limited timeframe.

Speed Dating Tips:

1. End with a Genuine Compliment:

   • Example: “Hey, Rebecca, can I be honest with you? You have the most incredible laugh.”
   • Helps leave a positive, lasting impression.

2. Incorporate Light Teasing:

   • Focus on one subtle, playful tease to create rapport without overstepping.

3. Break the Rules Playfully:

   • Demonstrate confidence by deviating slightly from the standard format, such as confidently asking for her number directly instead of following the event’s procedures.

Notable Quote:

“Here's my essence in one sentence. All I'm going to focus on tonight is I am going to be present, tease a little bit and have a good time.” — Connell Barrett [59:49]

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6. Building Charisma and Presence

Connell emphasizes the importance of body language and vocal presence in exuding charisma. He advises Jake to:

• Take Up Space: Sit up straight with shoulders back to project confidence.
• Amplify Voice: Speak clearly and with sufficient volume to be easily heard and to convey assurance.

Key Insights:

• Charisma isn’t about being loud but about being present and attentive.
• Full Range of Expression: Show genuine emotions, whether it’s excitement or humor, to connect authentically.

Notable Quote:

“Charisma is authenticity plus being present and expressing yourself genuinely.” — Connell Barrett [48:38]

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7. Initiating Physical Touch

Discussion around physical touch as a component of flirting touched on appropriate ways to incorporate it without making the interaction feel forced or creepy. Connell advises:

• Foundational Touches: Light touches like a hand on the shoulder during laughter or a fist bump during introductions.
• Purposeful Touch: Ensure there’s a reason for the touch, such as discussing a piece of jewelry or reacting to a shared joke.

Example: The “jewelry inspection” technique where Jake might gently take her hand to admire a ring, initiating touch in a natural and relevant manner.

Notable Quote:

“Having a reason for the touch makes it make sense to her.” — Connell Barrett [40:12]

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8. Enhancing Authentic Engagement

Connell underscores the importance of being genuinely present and actively listening during interactions. He highlights that charisma also stems from attentiveness and making the other person feel valued by truly engaging with what they’re saying.

Techniques:

• Active Listening: Focus fully on the speaker without planning your next response.
• Expressiveness: Use a full range of emotions to show genuine interest and connection.

Notable Quote:

“What makes the other person feel important is how present and attentive you are.” — Connell Barrett [54:00]

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9. Overcoming Nervousness and Authenticity

Finally, Connell addresses the common issue of nervousness impeding authentic interaction. He encourages Jake to lower his performance standards, focus on being himself, and allow conversations to flow naturally without overthinking.

Key Advice:

• One-Sentence Mantra: Simplify focus with a mantra like, “I am present, I flirt authentically, and I have a good time.”
• Practice Vulnerability: Embrace moments of uncertainty as opportunities for genuine connection rather than as threats.

Notable Quote:

“Paradoxically, by lowering the bar with practice and being really present, the funny content will come more organically.” — Connell Barrett [56:04]

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Conclusion

The episode concludes with [57:56] Jake expressing gratitude for the actionable insights received, feeling equipped to apply the strategies discussed during his upcoming speed dating event. Connell Barrett wraps up by reinforcing the message of authenticity and presence as the keys to successful and meaningful romantic connections.

Final Quote:

“Your dream girlfriend is out there just like Jake's is out there. She just has to meet the real authentic you.” — Connell Barrett [59:51]

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Key Takeaways:

• Authenticity is Crucial: Being genuine fosters deeper connections.
• Teasing and Sarcasm: Use playful, surface-level teasing to create rapport without offending.
• Observational Humor: Commenting on the environment can break the ice and add humor.
• Body Language and Voice: Confident posture and clear voice enhance charisma.
• Active Listening: Demonstrates attentiveness and makes the other person feel valued.
• Simplify Focus: Use a mantra to stay present and reduce mental clutter during interactions.

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This episode provides a comprehensive look into practical flirting techniques, emphasizing authenticity, presence, and respectful humor to help men like Jake navigate the complexities of dating with confidence and charm.

Transcript

[Connell Barrett]

You might find out her first concert was Nickelback. And you could say, what? Your first concert was Nickelback. Well, you know why they call them Nickelback, right? Their music's so bad, everybody wants their Nickelback when the show's over. Welcome back to the how to Get a Girlfriend podcast. I am your host, dating coach and author, Connell Barrett. I am here to help you flirt with confidence and get a great girlfriend, all by being authentic women like you. For you. No sketchy pickup artist moves needed. I coach gentlemen, good guys, intellectual types, white collar guys, sometimes shy introverts. And I have a shy introvert here today for you to meet. You're about to listen to a live coaching session I just did with my brand new client, a guy named Jake. Jake is 31, he's an educator, he lives down in the south, and he is a very intellectual, logical guy. And he struggles to be flirtatious on dates. And when talking to women, he struggles with what to say, the right thing to say. And he wants to be funnier. He wants to be more charming and funny and more flirtatiously attractive to women. And that's one of my specialties. I love guys getting really good at banter, at being able to make sparks happen on dates. So we can stay out of that friend zone. And you're going to get to meet Jake today. This is a really good episode or a good coaching session that I recorded with his permission, of course. And you probably are going to relate to Jake because he's, he's. He tends to default to analytical, logical conversation, but not quite know how to get on that flirty, funny wavelength. And today I talked to him or in this session, this coaching session, we went over some three or four of the core basic ways to be funny and flirty with women. Being sarcastic, being playfully teasing. I also gave him a real simple way to never run out of things to say on dates so that he and you can make women laugh, but do it in a flirtatious way. So being funny, being flirty, it's very learnable. So stay tuned for that and a quick housekeeping thing. I'm about to take three months off of coaching and just start writing my second book. My first book, Dating Sucks, but yout don't, was came out about four years ago. I'm about to take three months off to work on my second book. My second book is all about flirting. So I'm about to close my coaching slots, but I will be coaching for another few weeks. So if you like this podcast and you are looking to talk to me about how dating coaching works. And you want to go from struggling to flirting and what to say or just struggling with self confidence and becoming a lot more confident and really good at flirting and making some sparks fly like Jake is going to learn today. Just go to datingtransformation.com you can book a free call with me and you and I will get on the phone and I'll give you a plan and we'll figure out if dating coaching is right for you. And even if we don't work together, you'll get a free phone call out of it and I can help you get clear on how to get your girlfriend. So go to datingtransformation.com and book a free call with me because I'm about to stop taking clients for several months while I write book number two. Okay, let's get to it. Let's talk to my client, Jake. Enjoy. All right, Jake, let's get to it, man. What are the dating problems you're looking to fix? What are some of your goals? How can I help you, man?

[Jake]

Yeah. So, Connell, one of the things I've been noticing I've been struggling with probably for a very long time, but it's just become more noticeable to me now that I've really kind of started to focus on dating a little bit, is kind of initiating humor, flirtation, teasing, that sort of thing just in not only just day to day conversations, but specifically with women that I want to be dating or women that I am dating. So I've gotten a little bit better at least with just kind of being able to hold interesting conversation, asking intriguing questions, that kind of stuff. But the conversation just kind of goes like, I'm talking to like just anybody else if it's a, a friend, if it's a family member, like, it's like I don't really change a whole lot with the exception of an occasional comment. And so flirting and basically the teasing aspect is challenging for me. And the funny thing is I can do it if somebody else initiates it. Like, I have a pretty decent idea of how to respond with that kind of stuff, but for whatever reason, I just kind of have a block when it comes to figuring out, okay, like, not only when to initiate it, but what are some, like, kind of good times to do that?

[Connell Barrett]

What context are we talking about? Are we talking about a first date? Are we talking about a conversation at a party or a social event?

[Jake]

I'd probably say a little bit of both, actually. So it's kind of like even if I'm on the date and I piqued the woman's interest a little bit and I'm just kind of getting to know her a little bit. It's more of a get to know you rather than kind of building that romantic tension, so to speak. And I've definitely noticed that because I've gotten a lot of like, hey, this was great, but I'm just not feeling that spark.

[Connell Barrett]

Okay, got it. How do you currently flirt or do you intentionally so?

[Jake]

Intentionally compliments. I've started to do a little bit more from like when I was. I can't. I think when I was reading your book, you were talking about like the challenge to do like.

[Connell Barrett]

Do you mean best selling book dating sucks but you don't by Connell Barrett, published by Simon and Schuster.

[Jake]

Exactly.

[Connell Barrett]

Okay. Yeah.

[Jake]

And so sorry. No, that's okay. So essentially it was like I, I got to the homework assignment on one of the chapters or is like give compliments. So I was trying to be a little bit more aware of like, okay, like I saw a girl today that was at my dog daycare that had a little tattoo of a paw on her arm. And so I'm like, okay, this kind of sounds like, seems like it's the her dog. That was my assumption. And I'm like, oh, is that a tattoo of your dog's paw? That is really cool. And she got like really excited and started talking about it. So I've been doing good with that. And occasionally, like when people initiate a little bit of teasing or a little bit of like sarcastic sense of humor, I can kind of dish it right back. So something I'm trying to think of an example of when that happened recently, but it's blanking right now.

[Connell Barrett]

No worries. So we've talked about teasing so far on this call and flirting. Now teasing is a kind of flirting.

[Jake]

Yes.

[Connell Barrett]

Is that what you want to focus in on, specifically? Teasing? Flirting?

[Jake]

I would probably say so, yeah. Okay.

[Connell Barrett]

Because there's many, many flirting tools. Teasing is a great, great, A great one to choose. So let me ask you this. How do you tease your friends or people close to you when you are in that teasing zone? Or do you.

[Jake]

I can do it with my friends, sometimes my closer friends. So like I have one friend who he's also a very sarcastic sort of person. And so generally the primary way I'll tease him is about his teaching style, so to speak, because he's a teacher and essentially he's. Yeah, he's very, he's very sarcastic with his students and everything like that. So I'll Be I'll kind of poke fun at him like with some of the things that he do. He does because he knows he's kind of a dick, so to speak, with some of his students. But so it's like, kind of like something like that. I can't remember a specific example, but great, yeah.

[Connell Barrett]

Here are a couple rules of thumb on teasing. Think of it like it does, can and does work with many women. Not all, but many. And I think it's something built into our systems. You know, it's like imagine the 10 year old boy who's got a crush on the girl sitting in front of him in grade school, pulling her pigtails, pinching her because he likes her. It's a way to show, hey, I like you and I'm going to tease you to show you that. So I think of teasing as something very natural and normal and healthy as long as it's done with good intentions, which of course it would be with you, as opposed to the old school pickup guys, which are like neg, you know, call out her crooked teeth and say she looks like Bugs Bunny to make her insecure. Like that bullshit is so 2000 late. It's really old. And I know that's not what you're asking about, but I do. I just wanted to make that differentiation. Flirting is a great. As long as it's innocent and good intention. So here's how we do it in a way that can be very effective and fun is think of it like, what can I. What can I gently nudge her about? And we want to choose a topic that is not something that a reasonable person would get upset about. The underlying truth, for example, here's what not to do. You're on a date and she's had three or four drinks. And you, not you, Jake, but the royal you, you say, oh boy, that's your fourth one. What are you, some kind of raging alcoholic? Well, don't say that. Some women might laugh at that, but other women might have that as a sore point. Or I had a client do that once. Or a guy who came to me right before he started working with me. He told me that story and he said that it instantly killed the date because she took that topic seriously. So we want to tease about surface level things, things like her taste in music. You find out what her first concert was like. What's a band that's like a cheesy rock band that you don't like?

[Jake]

I would say Nickelback, perfect example.

[Connell Barrett]

I love hating Nickelback. You might find out her first concert was Nickelback. And you could say what? Your first concert was Nickelback. Well, you know why they call them Nickelback, right? Their music's so bad. Everybody wants their Nickelback. When the show's over and you tease her about what a bad taste in music she has, or at least what a sad choice she had for her first concert. Any reasonable person's not gonna get offended by that.

[Jake]

Yeah.

[Connell Barrett]

So tease about things like taste in movies, taste in music. You could tease about little things, like little verbal things. If you feel like she's a fairly comfortable or, sorry, Confident person, being articulate, you could tease her about how she pronounces things. I remember on my second date with my girlfriend Jess, I heard this. This pencil. Or, sorry, this Connecticut kind of pronunciation. She would. She wouldn't say soft. She would say soft. Have a little bit of oah in there. And I said, ooh, I love the. I love that trashy Connecticut accent. Which, by then we had a good rapport. And so I'm not calling her trashy, of course. I'm calling her accent a little trashy. So you want to choose things like, you know, taste in movies, food, music, TV shows, or surface level behavioral things.

[Jake]

Yeah.

[Connell Barrett]

As opposed to alcohol or weight or attractiveness. Here's one more what not to do. My client. I'll call him. This is not his real name. I'll call him Chris. My client, Chris, recently had a really good first date. And then by text, he tried a little too hard to tease a woman. She's about 10 years older than he is, she's almost 40, and he called her a cougar. She got very upset, and basically it was over.

[Jake]

Yeah.

[Connell Barrett]

So understandable. Women of a certain age might be uncomfortable about that kind of joke. So does this help?

[Jake]

Yeah, I would definitely say so. And it's interesting you bring up the pronunciation because I actually had somebody on a little bit of a Different Story, a dating app. One of her hinge prompts was, don't hate me if I pronounce the l in salmon. So she's salmon, basically. And so I was thinking about that, actually. I'm like, how do I use this to my advantage here? Because I don't say it like that. So I think that. Actually, I think that probably would help in that aspect of things.

[Connell Barrett]

Yeah. Looking for little things like that. Especially you as an educator. Very articulate. I'm assuming you're going to be very attracted to women who are well spoken and vice versa. So verbal people like you. Like me. Very conversational people. This is a Fun area to explore and do it gently. She might say something like, the love of my life. From the teens, woman named Alex, who I dedicated my book to. There's a whole chapter about her in my book. Her name is Alex. And I remember I was teasing her about how she pronounced. She couldn't pronounce the word rural, which is a hard word. She kept saying rule.

[Jake]

Yeah.

[Connell Barrett]

Like, no, it's rural. Rural. It was just became a silly little back and forth. And so I'm reading her and you know, you always want to read the room and kind of notice how. Oh, is this teasing working? Is she giggling? Is she punching me back but good naturedly or does she like not play, play with you back?

[Jake]

Yeah.

[Connell Barrett]

So it's like tease and then kind of notice and watch and see how she responds.

[Jake]

And I guess that actually is the next question I wanted to ask about that too. So if it is something where it's like you make the attempt to tease and you notice it's taken maybe a little bit more poorly than you'd hoped, how do you recover from that? Because I think that's one of my challenges there is being a little nervous to do it first just because I'm not really sure what the reaction is going to be.

[Connell Barrett]

Yeah, that's a mindset challenge for you. I remember us talking about this before. You want to have the first. You want to remind yourself, I'm the boy and it's my job to go first.

[Jake]

Yes.

[Connell Barrett]

To be ready to lead the dating dance. And so don't wait for the green lights to tease and joke.

[Jake]

If you.

[Connell Barrett]

That's. If that's authentic to you. If that feels like it's Jake that said. So it's just a little bit about doing the thing that's a little scary. Right. I'm going to tease her now. But you then said, oh, but what if it isn't taken? Well, it kind of depends on what her reaction is. If it just sort of doesn't land, but no big deal, ignore it and just move on. If she pushes back and says, hey, that's not funny. Or, or pushes back a little bit, then fall on your sword and say, well, you know what? Sometimes I'm not funny. Yeah, that was one of those moments. I apologize if you, if you offend her. It's hard to offend on surface level. Things like Nickelback sucks. Okay, it is hard to offend. But if her dad is Chad Kroger, okay, maybe, maybe you find out, oops, then you can just kind of own it and owning it can actually be pretty attractive because she's like, okay, he screwed up, but he took it and took accepted responsibility. So if, If. If it's just more like it. It didn't land type thing. Yeah, don't. Don't even worry about it. Just move on. Maybe try one more time. But if she's like, hey, wait a minute, that's not funny. You go like, you know what? Sometimes I put my foot in my mouth. I apologize. Sometimes I'm not funny. Like that time. I've said that many times.

[Jake]

Gotcha. Yeah.

[Connell Barrett]

Great questions.

[Jake]

Thank you. Yeah. And I know that you were saying that the teasing was kind of one part of flirting, and I think part of. With that situation, and I might be getting in my own head on this a little bit too, when it comes to this is like. I'm thinking, it's like, okay, are there certain moments, certain things to look out for? Kind of like what you're saying about the Nickelback. If I'm finding something that I personally don't like teasing about, it can be kind of a good, good way of doing that as well. So, like with other forms of flirting. So I know you had sent me a list the other day of different forms of just like, humor and things like that. So if I were to be doing something like sarcasm or something like that, how would that be a little bit different in that term in terms of things like that?

[Connell Barrett]

Sarcasm? I mean, I'm sure you know what sarcasm is. Oh, yeah, right. It's just saying the opposite of what you mean with a little edge in your voice and looking for an opportunity in the moment when that presents itself on a date or in a conversation with a woman who you just met. What I like to do. Here's a bit of an advanced move. You can combine sarcasm with a sincere compliment. These are two flirting tools. It's like crossing the stream in Ghostbusters. Across the streams. It can be extra powerful. And maybe you. I don't know. I'm just. Here's a hypothetical. You're on the first date, five, ten minutes in, you're both getting comfortable with each other. She looks incredible. She's put together. She's really cute. Cute outfit. And she says, what do you think of my outfit? She's probably fishing for a compliment, which, who wouldn't? I love compliments. And you might sarcastically say something like, oh, you definitely don't look absolutely incredible tonight. You're not the cutest girl here. And that sarcasm lets her know you mean the opposite.

[Jake]

Yeah.

[Connell Barrett]

And so you're paying her A compliment. And you're having a little bit of that sarcastic edge. So you can give a compliment in a sarcastic way.

[Jake]

Okay.

[Connell Barrett]

I told my girlfriend Jess on our first or second date. I said, just so you know, I definitely don't want to see you again. I don't think you're stunning and witty and sexy and cool, and I really don't want to take you out for a third date next Saturday night at 9pm Made it very clear what I wanted.

[Jake]

Oh, yeah, definitely.

[Connell Barrett]

And she likes that indirect fun, bantery humor. So you can use it that way or you can just use it in an organic moment as it comes up, like, you know, she's running late for the date. She gets there 10 or 15 minutes late. Parking was crazy. And I don't know, let's say you. I know you don't live there. Let's say you live in Atlanta.

[Jake]

Yeah.

[Connell Barrett]

You know, you're like. She's like, oh, I'm sorry, I'm late. Parking was crazy. Then you, instead of saying, no, no problem. Parking's crazy in Atlanta. Which is fine. Nothing wrong with that. But you could sarcastically say, I don't know what you're talking about. It's so easy to get parking in downtown Atlanta on a Saturday night. What are you. What are you talking about? Maybe a little smile to underscore the sarcasm. So really, anytime you want to say the opposite of what you mean, but with that little edge and your voice that can speak to a woman's flirting. Flirting channel. Make her. Make her smile, if she likes that kind of communication.

[Jake]

Yeah. And come to think of it, as you were talking about that right now, I actually did think about a specific example from a friend. I have a friend that's chronically late. And so, like, whenever she's like, kind of coming over and she was like, oh, I'm sorry. Like, I'm always so late and stuff like that. I think I had said to her at one point, I'm like, oh, no, you're totally punctual. What are you talking about? Like, I've never seen you get. Go late to anything.

[Connell Barrett]

Right. Yeah, exactly. Perfect. Yeah. And the nice thing about sarcasm and teasing is you can practice it with people who you're not on dates with. Within reason. Choose the right social context. Don't. Maybe don't tease your boss too harshly if you don't have that kind of relationship. But you can tease bus balls with your friends. Use sarcasm and allow it to come out in that authentically expressive way. And yeah, it just adds. It's Kind of like, by the way, all these flirting tools we've been talking about so far, especially sarcasm and teasing, I think of these as pepper in a dish of a first date. Or maybe it's salt if she loves the teasing, but it's not the dish. So it's easy to overcorrect and just go on a date and say, I'm gonna tease, tease, tease. Sarcasm, sarcasm, sarcasm. No, think of it like pepper or salt. The dish, though, is just you being genuine and yourself and present and your best version of you. And then we add, we add some flirting. 10, 20% at most of the conversation is the fun, flirty stuff.

[Jake]

Yeah, gotcha. Yeah. And so, and typically, I think I had mentioned to you, I think one more as well that I thought like just fit with my humor style, which was just kind of observational humor, which is kind of like looking around at different things. I know you gave the one example about the girl putting like a whole bunch of sugar in her coffee is like one opportunity to kind of point that out. And are there other times where like you can think of for yourself where you just kind of like notice something? And that was kind of like a good opportunity to kind of jump on that.

[Connell Barrett]

And so what you're referring to is a really great way to approach for those. First, the first opening line when you approach a woman.

[Jake]

Yes.

[Connell Barrett]

Which is noticing something unusual about the situation and calling it out, such as the cute girl next to you just put six sugars in her coffee and you look to her and say, oh, I haven't seen you at any of the Sugar's Anonymous meetings. And yeah, anyway, but in terms of. So that's, it's, it's a great way to break the ice in terms of a conversation that's already ongoing. Like a first date or you're five minutes into an approach conversation at a bar, at a venue, at a party. Then I really like using observational humor on a first date. And essentially it's about noticing what you notice around you on the date. And it's a great way to collaborate with her and get the two of you on the same team in a sense, in a way that's like togetherness. So the observational humor could be as simple as you are on a date. This is something that happened to me many years ago. I'm on a date with a very attractive late 20s woman. At the time, I'm, I don't know, pushing 50, late 40s probably. So like a 20 year age difference. And then I observe a couple tables away A couple seats away on this rooftop bar, another kind of middle aged dude, mid to late 40s. He looked like he was a silver haired fox. I still got most of my red hair, but he was a silver fox with a very attractive 20something woman. And we noticed that and I said, hey, check them out, look, it's our twins. Our twins are here. Our doppelgangers were here and we just got to comment on them and talk about them. Or I was on a date once. Where you ever been in a bar or at a restaurant? Probably more of a bar, where there's a couple that's getting way too physically sexual in a public place, like straddling each other. I was on a date once and that was happening. We were talking about that. So it just can be noticing things around you and saying to her, hey, look at that couple over there. Or look at that. Oh, here's one more thing you can do on a date. You can look at other couples or look at two people and try to guess the relationship or where they are. It's like, are they married? Are they two hours away from divorce? Is it their first date too? Yeah, that's a fun early date topic to get the butterflies out. Just look around you and notice what's going on in your environment and just both comment on it together. So it's not even about being funny necessarily. It's noticing unusual things in your environment and just calling them out and vibing about them. You struggle with dating, right? Sure, you have a good job and cool friends, but you just aren't sure how to flirt. The apps don't work for you, and sometimes women put you in the friend zone. It's frustrating. Hey, I struggled with dating too. As an introvert and a total nerd, I didn't just live in the friend zone. I owned real estate there. But I escaped using the dating philosophy of radical authenticity, which I've used to help thousands of men in 17 countries find love. It's what I wrote about in my bestselling book, dating sucks, but you don't. And radical authenticity is why Psychology Today called me the best dating coach in America. And now I want to personally help you attract your dream girlfriend. So go to datingtransformation.com and book a free call with me. On our call, I'll tell you how my one on one coaching will help you find your dream girlfriend. And you'll be doing it by flirting with confidence and authenticity. No creepy pickup tricks needed. So go to datingtransformation.com, book a free call today and let my personalized coaching help you get a great girlfriend.

[Jake]

Gotcha. Yeah. And that makes a lot of sense. And I appreciate the examples that you gave there because I think that that helps. And I'm already thinking, because I had mentioned before, we kind of started recording the call that I had. I'm doing speed dating tonight for the second time before in my life. And so I was thinking it's like, oh, the observational humor might be useful for the speed dating because it's in a little brewery bar with like, kind of a nice outdoor area. And there's always kind of like interesting things going on there. So I was kind of thinking about, like, okay, how can I. How can I use that in those moments as well?

[Connell Barrett]

Yeah, you can look around you and do the observation of something unusual. And the trick is kind of like with approaching, you look around the room and just notice what you notice.

[Jake]

Yeah.

[Connell Barrett]

Notice what stands out. Just 10% different. You know, I was on a date once and I remember, hey, look at that guy over there. There's an 81% chance that's John Stamos. God, that looks like John Stamos. I don't think it was him, but it looked like him. It can be the dumbest thing. Okay, but in a speed dating event, that's a great thing to do because no other guy going to the speed dating event is going to be talking about fun, interesting observations that are around you. They're all going to be probably asking the typically boring get to know you job interview type questions.

[Jake]

Yeah.

[Connell Barrett]

And some of those are okay to an extent, but you can be the one guy who's more in the present moment checking in with how you feel. Checking in with her, using a little. A little sarcasm, maybe one playful tease. How long are the. Each date is. What's the structure of the speed dating event? How does it work?

[Jake]

So essentially what it's going to be is I think we start at seven and I think they have a certain amount of tables set up where they'll have the little like conversational cue cards if you need them. Like, in the center of the table, you'll have your own little cue card that you have your name on it. And then there's also what your interest is, age, and what you do. And like, you can share that with the date if you need to or want to. And then I think you have around seven minutes to talk to that one person at your table, and then you move on to the next person. And then you have another seven minutes just to Kind of have that conversation and kind of so on and so forth.

[Connell Barrett]

Okay, great. Can I give you three quick speed dating tips, please. I almost don't want to give you any more than that because less is more. When you go on a date, you want less is more in a way you don't want. 27 thoughts on A date or a speed date, but I'll give you three quick ones. Here's some good speed dating tips. The first one would be and this is good for any date, but you want to do it within seven minutes. Assuming you're attracted or intrigued by this woman. In other words, you would like to see her again. Then look for something about her in those seven minutes that is a trait based thing that you find genuinely charming and tell her what it is before you're done. Whatever it might be. You could say maybe you might notice her wit, her intelligence, or she has a great taste in music. Whatever it might be, maybe she has an incredible laugh. It can be almost anything as long as it's not purely physical. And then just tell her what it is. Hey, Rebecca, can I be honest with you? We have like one minute left. You know what's really charming about you? You have the most incredible laugh and you're so present. You're such a great listener. I feel like I just haven't thought about anything else except for these six or seven minutes. This has been great. And you just let her know, hey, you're, I'm finding you charming and you're letting her know the person is charming. It's not just she's cute, she's pretty, which is hopefully she is. But yeah, it's that internal. If you really want to be bold, this is optional, but if you really want to be bold, you could say the word sexy. You know what's really sexy about you? It's the way you blank seven minutes in a speed dating event. I would respect it if that was a little too intense for you. But the very least, charming. You know what's really charming about you? Everybody wants to be charming. And that'll make you stand out in a very classy, gentlemanly way.

[Jake]

Yeah.

[Connell Barrett]

Second tip would be to, yeah, in your case, I would say look for one thing to tease. Don't force it if you can help it. But look for one of those surface level, fun little behavioral things that we talked about. Whether it's music, movies, tv, or if she says or does something that you could call kind of nerdy or dorky. That's another good fertile area of teasing. It's like, oh, my God, you're a secret nerd, aren't you? Really? You've seen every Game of Thrones three times. Oh, my God. How can you be the cutest girl here? And also the nerdiest.

[Jake]

It's a woman, after all.

[Connell Barrett]

That's called a push pull. I just did a push pull compliment plus tease. Together, it's like two great tastes. It tastes great. Together, it's like Reese's Cups. So anyway, look for a teaser that is somewhat organic for you. Just for your own. Your own progression, Jake. So you're like, okay, now I'm leading first, right? And the third tip optional, but I love this. I did this a couple times on speed dating events back in the day is break the rules. I assume the way this will work is you're all going to check a box or put in a card or something about who you might want to see again.

[Jake]

Essentially, Yeah. I think that's probably how it works.

[Connell Barrett]

Here's what I did once, and it worked really well. I went to a speed dating event put on by an improv team company. So it was very fun. A lot of playful improv games. When I was first getting into improv and I was just feeling so good and it was going so well with this woman that I said, hey, we have. Man, we have one minute left. But you know what? To hell with the rules. I'd love to see you again. What's your number? I'm not going to put it in my phone because I don't want to get in trouble. I'll remember it. Go ahead. 917. And it became a fun little. A little. We're breaking the rules together.

[Jake]

Yeah.

[Connell Barrett]

Okay. Women generally like a guy who is confident, bold, and it's okay to bend the rules. Get a little bit of bad boy points there if you want. So if you really like a girl, a woman, and you're down to a minute or two left, you could say, hey, you know what? I know I want to see you again. I don't need to fill that card out. What's your number? I have an amazing memory. What is it? If you want, if you do have a good memory, if you don't, maybe take your phone out or as soon as you write it down, you know, put it under the table. It's kind of like you're collaborating, you're being devious together, breaking the rules because you like each other. That's a really fun thing to do on a speed dating event.

[Jake]

Okay. Yeah, I like those tips, especially the first one about the compliment at the end. Because I felt like. It's like, I'll think about it sometimes. Like, I can recognize even in certain other situations, like where I'm like, I think a compliment, and maybe I'll even vocalize it to, like, somebody else as I'm, like, kind of talking. But it's like, very rare that I'm like, I think it and then I say it. And so I like that because that kind of gives me that thought of like, okay, I want to remember to do this.

[Connell Barrett]

Yeah. And make it a. Make it a you byou statement.

[Jake]

Yeah.

[Connell Barrett]

Ad hominem, you know, at the man. I forgot. I don't know what Latin. What's Latin for at the woman? But. But say to her, you. Hey, you know what's really charming about you? It's the way you blank whatever the blank might be. And it might feel a little bit risky, like, oh, I'm being vulnerable. I'm putting it out there. But remember, you're complimenting a quality. You're calling her charming. You can't lose. You're going to make her feel better no matter whether she wants to see you again for a date or not. And it's not a compliment about her looks or her body. Even though she hopefully is very physically attractive to you. You're complimenting her inner self. At least seven minutes worth that you can see. And that makes you stand out because very few men do that.

[Jake]

Awesome. And with the speed dating, too, because I can't remember exactly what I talked about in the one that I was in a while ago, but what would you say are some, like, really good, short conversations to stick to that kind of make you memorable? So. Because I know it's not. There's not like a whole lot of time to dive too much into it. But what make. What kind of conversations can you have that kind of make it just an enjoyable seven minutes?

[Connell Barrett]

It comes back to banter. And my definition of banter is light. Light conversation about light topics. And that there's a whole episode you might want to look up. You, Jake, are you the listener where I talk about the seven or eight banter topics. Food, travel, culture, movies, music, Talking about little stuff like why do we love Seinfeld? The show about nothing. Because they talk about light life things, but in a way that's important to them. That's actually a really nice wavelength on any date, especially a speed date. Remember, she just left work just like you did. She's been in a logical headspace all day. Her boss has maybe been a jerk to her, she's frustrated with five things at the office and the last thing she wants to do is have a logical fact based conversation where you swap information. Yeah, that's what most other guys will probably be doing at your speed dating event. You want to think, well, what topics would be a nice change of pace from what she's used to, but also the, the tone, the lightness of it. So I like to do things like think, okay, what can I talk about with her that is light and also, also, what's the right word? Playful. And so it's more about the way you talk about the topics as opposed to the topics themselves. And somebody like you, Jake, you're such a articulate, social person. It's partially why I wanted you on my podcast because you're, you're well spoken, you have the verbal ability to bounce around to different topics. So what I would do is free associate a little bit, maybe have one. You know what you could do if you get nervous a little bit on dates? You could have maybe one back pocket question to ask any or every woman. A really simple one. Like if you could. I'm just curious. I'm a big movie fan. You might say to her, if you could have any actor play you in the movie of your life, who would it be?

[Jake]

Okay.

[Connell Barrett]

Or if you and I could transport anywhere in the world right now and be in another country, where would we go? You could have something. You can have like a back pocket question if you just in case you get stuck, like break glass for date question. But otherwise I would say you allow yourself to just stick to topics that are light, such as food, music, observing things around you, and of course, talking about her and learning a little bit about her. One of my favorite questions to ask a woman on a first date, and you can absolutely have this at the ready today, tonight is what do you love to do for fun more than anything else, you know, besides have speed dates with handsome men named Jake, if you want to throw a little cheeky humor in there. But I love asking the question, what do you love to do? Because she's about to tell you something that she cares deeply about. And whatever her answer, you can talk about that topic for many minutes if you want to, because it matters to her.

[Jake]

Awesome. Yeah, I like that. And I was thinking too, and I don't know what your thoughts are on this. I had on my, my dating profile and I also, I like this question because I think it kind of elicits an interesting response, is like if you could freeze time for a day what would you do with that time that you had?

[Connell Barrett]

I love that question. Yeah. One of the categories of banter topics from the previous episode. I haven't memorized my own content. I should. But one of them. You just reminded me. I think I called it creative what ifs.

[Jake]

Yeah.

[Connell Barrett]

Fun what ifs. What if we could freeze time? That's a great one. You could even use the time constraint of the speed date to have a smooth transition into that. Here we are. We got seven minutes to fall in love. Boy, no pressure, huh? Sarcasm.

[Jake]

Yeah.

[Connell Barrett]

Fall in love. Flirtatious. Or even. Or at least playfully. Oh, speaking of time. Oh, my God. We only have seven minutes. I'm curious. Speaking of time, I'm curious if you could freeze time. Boom. Ask your question. Not that you need a smooth transition, but if you want one, that would. That would sound really smooth.

[Jake]

It's definitely helpful.

[Connell Barrett]

Doesn't hurt.

[Jake]

Yeah. And then the other thing, and this probably is with speed dating. I don't know if there would be an opportunity to do this or not, but I was thinking about it as we were talking, and we were talking about flirting is the idea of kind of like physical touch. So that's been something like. I've never really been, like, a very touchy feely sort of person with family and things like that. So it's something that's been very foreign to me. So I've been trying to get a little bit better at it. And so I've been kind of trying to kind of like laying a light hand on my shoulder, on her shoulder when she says something funny or when we're laughing about something together or kind of like just trying to grab her hand to look at a ring or something like that when we're talking about that and just little things like that. And I've noticed. I've been noticing it's like, it's something I have to, like, consciously think about in order to be able to do it. So it's just like. It's just so much in my head that it makes it difficult to just kind of, like, let it happen naturally. Is that something that you find, like, just through practice gets a little bit more natural and it's not such a thought.

[Connell Barrett]

Absolutely.

[Jake]

Yeah.

[Connell Barrett]

It's like anything else in life that's uncomfortable for you. Once you do it, do it a inch more, inch more, a step more, a yard more. And then your comfort zone grows each time. So it sounds like you're doing old school classic. The jewelry inspection. The Ask her about her ring. Jewelry. Is that. Did you get that from me.

[Jake]

I.

[Connell Barrett]

Somewhere else.

[Jake]

Did I listen to something you had recorded today? But I actually did it like a few months back because I read something and I'm like, oh, this is something that I can do here with that.

[Connell Barrett]

So, yeah, I hardly invented it, but I always like that tip. The, My old coach called it the jewelry inspection. Take her hand and go, oh, interesting. This is a cool ring. What's this? As you take her hand for a few seconds. What's the story behind this ring? Yeah, and that's a. Sounds like you're already doing that. Which is a good way to kind of small. Small baby step it toward increasing physical comfort doing it. But also these little things are the right. That's the right measure of touch early on in a date. She doesn't know you that well, so that's the appropriate amount. But the biggest, the biggest secret to making touch feel normal and not creepy and good for both of you is simply having a reason for the touch.

[Jake]

Yeah.

[Connell Barrett]

The reason is, oh, what's the story with this ring or that touch of her shoulder? When you're expressing yourself, that's an extension of expression. Right. You're non verbal. It's a very normal thing for humans to do. I was on a date once with a personal trainer and we were talking about working out and her workout, my workout. And I said, make a muscle. I want to see how strong you are. She made a muscle. You know, I got to squeeze her bicep. I'll admit it, it was just a move. I just wanted to get comfortable because I thought it would be weird or creepy to touch a woman randomly. And it is to do it randomly. It's not creepy or weird. To do it with a sense of, it's okay, we're on a date. It's okay to be a little bit touchy. We're humans. But also having a reason for it makes it make sense to her as opposed to what I've seen on dates or in bars, which is the dead fish hand that's just like on her back for no reason. Just have a reason for the touch and it all will make sense. And then of course, as you do it. And this goes for every flirting move on a date or every part of a date. Read the room, notice how she's feeling to the best of your ability, and she'll tell you she'll touch you back a little bit. Or maybe she won't, and then you might reassess. Okay, she's not a big touchy person. Bottom line is, yeah, just Keep doing, taking little baby steps, and every time you'll get more comfortable.

[Jake]

Yeah. And I'm assuming even with, like speed dating, if the opportunity does present itself, then it is okay to kind of initiate that form of physical touch as well. Or is it something that it's like, hey, because it is so small? Maybe not.

[Connell Barrett]

Well, it kind of depends on the setup, but I imagine it's going to be musical chairs style where you're going to be sitting across from each other or maybe next to each other. But because you only have seven minutes, the only touching I would do in a first date normally within seven minutes is probably just a hug hello. You probably wouldn't even do that here, I would imagine.

[Jake]

Yeah.

[Connell Barrett]

I don't know. You can read the room. Who knows? But I would say, you know, you could do a little fist bump.

[Jake]

Hello.

[Connell Barrett]

Or a fist bump goodbye. That's more playful than a handshake. Don't. I don't like handshakes. Yeah, you're not meeting with your accountant. You're on a date and you could do a little fist bump. You do maybe do the jewelry inspection. But yeah, there's very little touching is going to happen in seven minutes anyway. So it's not something I would worry about too much. But I would just do a friendly little, friendly, playful little fist bump if you want to. Or maybe a high five.

[Jake]

Okay.

[Connell Barrett]

Yeah.

[Jake]

Awesome.

[Connell Barrett]

Oh, another one. I used to. I don't know if you have big hands, small hands or medium hands, but I used to like to do the hand compare hand sizes. I would look at her hands and go, oh, my God, look at your hands. You have little baby hands. I'm not saying I'm the biggest person with the biggest hands in the world, but I think my hands are normal size or slightly above average. So I just wanted to. So sometimes I would go, put up, put up your hand next to mine and I would press her palm against mine. I wanted her to feel a little bit. I wanted the physical touch and I also wanted her to feel, oh, big strong man. Right. And make her feel like that small, feminine person. There were a couple times she had pretty big hands. And I think I called one man hands, but got away with it. I'm like, oh, man hands. So that's a risky one.

[Jake]

Yeah.

[Connell Barrett]

But I got away with it. Her name was Sarah. She liked it. But you never know. Your mileage may vary.

[Jake]

Yeah. And so I think that is very helpful. That kind of gives me some ideas of where to go with like, kind of like the speed dating tonight. And kind of seeing. Seeing how that works out. I think I just need to kind of do a little more practicing with some of that stuff. And I had one other thing that I wanted to bring up with you as well. Just because it's something that I noticed and one of my friends that I. I thought that it was really cool how he's able to do this, and I know it's probably more natural for him is charisma. And I can describe it with him with vivid detail. Like, he'll. When he comes into the room, he just has, like, this aura about him, essentially, where it's like he's, like, smiling, having a great time, just like. And when he's talking to you or when you're talking to him, essentially, it just, like, you feel like kind of a little bit of describe this feeling. It's kind of like comfortable, I guess, is the best word for it. You feel, like, immediately comfortable with talking to him. And like, even some of his stories, the way he kind of tells the stories, always seem to, like, catch people's attention. And so, like, I know, like, some people just have that very naturally. Some people are just very good at practicing it and building it up. But I think my challenge, and I think the reason why I wanted to. To talk about this with you is because I feel like sometimes that can be helpful for me when it comes to dating, because I don't want to feel so nervous. I want to feel more just relaxed in myself. And I feel like that's part of why he comes off that way. And so is there anything, not even just in, like, how you talk with someone, but how you kind of present yourself, body language wise, that you feel like is kind of helpful and kind of building that for yourself?

[Connell Barrett]

Yeah. Take up some space. Sit up straight. These are very probably pretty basic things. I'm not. I'm not inventing the wheel right now.

[Jake]

No.

[Connell Barrett]

But when I was dating, and I still do this with my clients when I go out as their wingman, helping them approach women, sometimes I'll do demonstration approaches. I'm going to take up space, shoulders back. I would say my. My voice and my body. I want. I want my voice in my body amplified, not necessarily to a 10, but 7, 8, 9. So I'm going to talk with a little bit of. I'm going to check in with my vocal tonality. Have you ever heard of a charismatic person who sounded like this? Hi. Hi. I'm Connell. I'm really charismatic. No. Charisma can mean a lot of different things to different people, but there are some commonalities. Charismatic people let their voices be heard. Walt Whitman. I sound my barbaric yawp doesn't mean you yell, but it means you let your voice project. It means sit up nice and tall. Let's say you're seated at the, at the bar for the first date or at the speed dating event. Sit up tall, man, spread a little bit. Man, spread a little bit. In other words, not knees, not together. Man, spread a little bit. Just take up some room, take up some space and, and let your voice and body be amplified to a solid 7, 8, 9. And that will inform a lot of your emotions in a positive way. Physiology. And you might know this as an educator, you're a super smart guy, but the way we use our bodies, physiology equals for, for better or worse, equals emotions. So if you want to feel good and confident and more charismatic on a date, let it come through your voice. Let it come through your body. And if you want to do this, little tip, I've done it a million times. My clients do it. Well, you're going to be at a speed dating event, so there'll be people to talk to anyway. But one of the things I would do is that when I get to the bar, I get there about 10 minutes early and I will grab my phone, which I'm doing right now for anybody watching this video on YouTube or on Spotify video, and I will have a fake phone call. I will take my phone and I will say, yeah, yep, just got here. It's 7:45. This is how my voice sounds. And I'll have a conversation. I want my voice to be at or slightly louder than the baseline noise level of that venue. Because a way a woman might would judge your charisma and your overall presence is she's going to hear your voice. And it happens on a emotional level. She's not intellectually saying he is or isn't charismatic. She's just feeling it.

[Jake]

Yeah.

[Connell Barrett]

But she's going to hear that unstifled voice. Hey, nice to meet you. Hi, I'm Jake. What's your name? Versus oh, hi. Hi. Hi. What's going. Hi, I'm Connell. I said I'm Connie. You know that. Then I'm in trouble. Yeah. So charisma is a lot of things I would say. It's body and voice first. And then one other thing about charisma, which I think is really a wonderful message for guys. And I want you to hear this as well, which is charisma. There's a lot of different kinds of charisma.

[Jake]

Yeah.

[Connell Barrett]

Okay, there's Tony Robbins on the stage. There's. There's. I don't know, there's young al Pacino, Godfather 1 and 2, when he's really, like, stoic, smoldering. Then there's older Al Pacino who are scent of a woman, big and loud. Right. Both of those Al Pacinos are charismatic in different ways. And there's also different kinds of charisma in dating. So it does really come back to, okay, your most authentic self, Jake, will be that version of you. He's loud enough. He's sitting in a way that lets his body feel good. But then you really want to lean into your authentic, real self, sharing your thoughts, your personality, your sense of humor, and also combining that with being really present with that woman, really actively listening. And all of these things together create a charismatic story and feeling to women, or at least to women who really vibe with what you're bringing to the table. So it's really eye of the beholder. So I'll try to remember my own quote here, but I feel like I came up with a charisma. A charisma formula. Basically. It's. It's. It's authenticity, always authenticity. Because you can't be charismatic trying to be somebody you're not. Authenticity plus really present, plus I would say, expressing, expressing yourself, really saying true, real things. And that's going to become charismatic to women who like your type. Not every woman, but more than enough.

[Jake]

Yeah. Awesome. Yeah. Because I. I guess probably where some of the challenges is coming from, for me, there is. Maybe it is the nerves. Come to think of it, as I'm thinking, is when you're talking about just kind of being more authentic and just being able to speak about what you like and kind of carrying your voice and things like that. I think thinking back on some of the other dates, probably nerves maybe got in the way a little bit of just kind of just being authentic and being not. Not like. What's the word I'm looking for here? There's, like, kind of a barrier between me being comfortable on the date. And so it's. I feel like that might be part of the problem there.

[Connell Barrett]

Here's what I would say. Here's a. Here's a bonus. I don't want you to have 14 thoughts in your head tonight.

[Jake]

Yeah.

[Connell Barrett]

I want you to have two or three at the most, ideally just two. But one of the things you can do increasingly with women and dating and talking to people in general is here's what's charismatic to a lot of people is a full range of expression. When you really like something about what she just said, don't just say you like it, say you love it. Oh, my God, I love that you. I love that your first concert was Tina Turner. She's a freaking legend. I love that. Or wait, what your first concert was Nickelback. Oh, my God. I was really loving you right there. And now I feel like I should ghost you sitting right here. This is over. Can I just rip up these speed dating papers? I'm kidding, obviously.

[Jake]

Yeah.

[Connell Barrett]

But a little bit of love and hate. A full range of expression. You know, think about. Think about public. Public figures who are extremely charismatic to the people who love them. You know, Howard Stern, Joe Rogan, Bill Maher. These are people with very amplified, strong opinions. They're not afraid to say, I love this, and I hate that space. All Howard Stern does every episode is, I love, love, love this. I hate, hate, hate this. That makes him really charismatic to his audience. Not that you need to be Howard Stern like, or anything. We can use some of these things that draw people to a voice. And part of the tool here is expressiveness. Let her know what you love. Let her know what you hate. Give her strong, authentic, but strong points of view on whatever the topic is, or at least sometimes, but keeping it still light because it is a date. And to me, that's part of charisma and making a strong, positive, impactful impression on a date. Being willing to let her know exactly how you feel, good or bad, love or hate. Respectful toward her, of course, but also, I'm just calling it like I see it. It's like, what is it about? You know, I quote a lot of movies because I'm a movie nerd. Something about that character in the movie who just says the truth. Right. Quint from Jaws. You want to catch a shark. He's just like, puts it out there. Or big characters in, you know, Al Pacino movies. There's something powerful about somebody just sort of telling it like it is.

[Jake]

Yeah.

[Connell Barrett]

In their own way. That is really charismatic to the right person. So I don't know if that tangent helped you or not, but that's where.

[Jake]

My brain went is even when. Even when I'm thinking about the one friend that I was mentioning. Like, when we're talking and, like, he's asking you a question, he seems genuinely interested in what you have to say. Yes. Like his presence.

[Connell Barrett]

This is the charismatic guy you mentioned?

[Jake]

Yes. Yeah.

[Connell Barrett]

I'm so glad you said that. You reminded me of A super important point that I should have mentioned. A big part of charisma, it's not the loud guy talking at her. It's the super attentive guy who's hanging on her every word, or at least listening to every word. And presence also goes for you too. You want to hear your own words, and that's really compelling to other people. I don't know how well I've done on this coaching call. I've done my best and I'll continue to try to help you, but I've been literally hanging on every word you said, trying to really in the moment with you. And I learned this on in dating and in improv. I learned how to be incredibly present and listening and every word. And that makes the other person feel so important. Most of us spend so much of our time like, okay, what am I going to say next? What's in my head next? And like, really getting in that moment with her is. I think that's part of a big part of creating romantic attraction, feeling, projecting charisma. Because she just says, wow, this guy is so present with me right now in the moment. And there's something about it. I don't know how to define it, but it feels so good. And she might say charisma. Yeah, it can be that simple.

[Jake]

Awesome.

[Connell Barrett]

Yeah, that.

[Jake]

That's really good to know too, because I think it's just something I think I do get very much in my head sometimes, especially with like a first date of like, okay, what do I say next? And what's something that I can do to make her laugh? And I feel like that takes away from me being my genuine self and actually is counterintuitive to what I'm. What I'm trying to do, essentially. So that's actually kind of good because hear from you as well.

[Connell Barrett]

So your definition of quote in your head is what do I say next? Right.

[Jake]

Essentially, yeah, it's what do I say next? Oh, gosh. Like, I'm running out of things to say. Oh, gosh, was that like, is this going to be funny or not? That kind of stuff. So that's kind of like where my name goes to.

[Connell Barrett]

Well, that comes from an understandable place. Wanting to do well, wanting her to like you. If you're looking for love, nothing wrong with any of those things. At the same time, it can create a paradox of performance. Having to. Having. Having to have a high bar of performance. And I don't want you performing on dates. No, I want you amplify. I want you expressing and listening and Being present, but no performance. So lower the bar for how funny you think you need to be. Okay, Lower the bar for how good your content needs to be. It doesn't need to be good content. You're just having conversations with people. And paradoxically, by lowering the bar with practice and being really present, paradoxically, the funny content, the funny jokes, the wit, all that good stuff that will happen much more organically by not reaching for it, straining for it. So it's super Zen. It's like, okay, if you want to be funny, witty, and charismatic, don't try to be funny, witty, and charismatic. Get in the moment with her, because that'll bring you to the present moment. And with time and practice especially, oh, I'll notice those little moments of. Think of, oh, let me tease now. Let me be sincere now, let me tell a story now. Let me just really listen to her now because, whoa, she's talking about something that's important to her, and I want to hear every word, and the right things will come to you. So something I learned both in improv and dating at the same time in my life was anything I'm planning in advance is not going to be nearly as funny or interesting or powerful as the thing that comes out of that moment spontaneously, right then and there with her, or in the improv scene, in the case of comedy.

[Jake]

Awesome. Yeah, I appreciate that, Connell. Thank you. I think a lot of this has been really helpful, and it's given me some. Some pretty good tools to be able to work with tonight. I'm excited to try them out.

[Connell Barrett]

Great. Here's my last tip, and then I'll let you go, because I know you got a speed date event to get to. There's a concept I talk about briefly in my book. I call it the essence of the craft, which is when we go out to a speed dating event or a night out approaching or a first date, whatever it might be, it's really easy to have, like, 47 things in your head. But we don't want 47 things. We want maybe one. One or two. So I learned this from a coach of champion athletes. Guy who used to coach a Rod. He coached Luke Donald, a former world number one golfer. I think he coached John McEnroe briefly. Anyway, this coach, Jim Fannin is his name. He's like, ow. Essence of the craft. Boil it all down to one sentence. So the one sentence might be, here's what I used to use all the time on a first date. Anyway, I would say, here's my essence in one sentence. All I'm going to focus on tonight is I am going to be. I might ask myself, how can I listen, flirt and express myself? That was one little mantra I had. Another one was make her smile and crack jokes because that's very much me. That's authentic to me anyway. So feel free to think, okay, in one sentence. What's a good little one sentence incantation to bring to the date? So instead of trying to remember 17 things that we talked about, in a way, I'd rather have you focus on just one simple phrase to go. You know what? Tonight I'm just gonna. I'm gonna be present, tease a little bit and have a good time or, you know, or learn about what makes her special. So I'll leave you with that. Give yourself like a one phrase mantra to try to simplify your head mind so you can be more present. And then the right words will come in the right moments, I have no doubt.

[Jake]

Awesome. I appreciate it. Thank you so much.

[Connell Barrett]

You got it, Jake. All right, best of luck. And shoot me a text tomorrow, let me know how the speed dating event goes.

[Jake]

Will do.

[Connell Barrett]

Okay, hang on the line one second. Let me just end this podcast by saying thank you so much for listening. You spent an hour with Jake and myself and there's a million podcasts. Thank you for being with me. Don't forget, your dream girlfriend is out there just like Jake's is out there. Who knows, maybe he'll meet her tonight and she's going to love you. She just has to meet the real authentic you. So until next time, thanks for listening. Bye.