Too Anxious to Approach? Use these 5 Steps to Boldly Meet and Date Wonderful Women (Live Coaching with Ryan)

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Too Anxious to Approach? Use these 5 Steps to Boldly Meet and Date Wonderful Women (Live Coaching with Ryan)"

Podcast Information:

• Title: Too Anxious to Approach? Use these 5 Steps to Boldly Meet and Date Wonderful Women (Live Coaching with Ryan)
• Host: Connell Barrett
• Release Date: April 8, 2025

Overview: In this episode of the "How to Get a Girlfriend" podcast, dating coach Connell Barrett engages in a live coaching session with his client Ryan, who grapples with anxiety and self-doubt when approaching women. Connell provides actionable strategies to help Ryan overcome his fears, build confidence, and authentically connect with women without relying on manipulative pickup tactics.

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Sections

1. Introduction to Ryan's Challenges (00:00 - 01:25)

Connell begins by sharing a personal anecdote about a woman who initially rejected him but later returned, highlighting the importance of not taking rejection personally. He introduces Ryan, a client struggling with mindset, confidence, and approach anxiety, especially in nighttime social settings like bars.

• Notable Quote (00:12):

  Connell Barrett: "So the lesson is not that if a woman says go away, the lesson is don't take it as some kind of personal rejection. She just might not be in the mood at that moment to talk to you."

2. Overcoming Limiting Beliefs (01:25 - 04:41)

Connell recounts previous coaching sessions where Ryan worked on shifting his core beliefs from feeling inadequate ("Ryan the Insecure") to embracing a bolder, more confident identity ("Ryan the Bold"). This transformation sets the foundation for Ryan's ability to approach women more confidently.

• Notable Quote (04:41):

  Connell Barrett: "In our first chat, part one, we overhauled your core belief about your worthiness to attractiveness to women."

3. The Five-Step Approach (04:41 - 58:53)

Connell outlines a structured five-step system detailed in his book, "Dating Sucks but You Don't," aimed at simplifying the approach process and mitigating anxiety:

1. Open Often (06:34):

   • Approach multiple women frequently to build momentum and reduce overthinking.
   • Quote (16:30):

     Connell Barrett: "Step one is open. Often open lots of conversations. Minimize time in between approaches."

2. Offer Value (06:34):

   • Provide genuine compliments or observations to add value to interactions.
   • Quote (16:30):

     Connell Barrett: "Step two, offer authentic value. Try to bring something to the table, even if it's just a good, positive, quick little compliment."

3. Man to Woman Connection (17:37):

   • Engage in light flirting and show romantic interest authentically.
   • Quote (17:37):

     Connell Barrett: "Step three is to be the man to woman connection. Flirt a little bit."

4. Go for the Close (17:37):

   • Aim to secure a phone number or set up a date within the interaction.
   • Quote (17:37):

     Connell Barrett: "Step four is go for the close, bare minimum. Get a phone number."

5. Find Something Good (17:37):

   • Reflect on each interaction to identify positive aspects, regardless of the outcome.
   • Quote (17:37):

     Connell Barrett: "Step five is find something good, positive, or funny about every single approach."

Throughout this segment, Connell emphasizes the importance of viewing each approach as either a "win" or a "learn" opportunity, thereby removing the fear of rejection and fostering a growth mindset.

• Notable Quote (15:30):

  Connell Barrett: "Every time I approach a girl and I give her the Ryan the Bold experience, I can and should feel great about that, and that's a win."

4. Practical Coaching with Ryan (58:53 - 92:10)

Connell delves into live coaching scenarios with Ryan, addressing specific situations and providing tailored advice:

• Scenario 1: Approaching in a Group (22:21 - 35:24): Ryan describes a situation where he interacted with two women while his attraction was towards one of them. Connell advises leveraging the presence of friends to signal social proof and make the interaction less intimidating.

  • Notable Quote (27:08):

    Ryan: "Lexi" and "Sarah" scenario—Connell suggests involving Sarah to create a comfortable environment for Lexi.

• Scenario 2: Handling Early Rejections (31:06 - 36:15): Ryan shares instances where women mentioned having boyfriends early in the conversation. Connell recommends reacting with humor and maintaining a positive demeanor rather than seeing it as a definitive rejection.

  • Notable Quote (33:02):

    Connell Barrett: "I almost would say never ask a woman if she has a boyfriend, because it's not really serving you the question."

• Scenario 3: Overcoming Apprehensions (40:36 - 47:39): Ryan expresses concerns about being perceived as creepy or overly persistent. Connell reassures him by sharing his own experiences where persistence, combined with charm, led to positive outcomes.

  • Notable Quote (43:24):

    Connell Barrett: "The two-minute mark gives her and you both a little chance to relax, to have her get a sense for who you are."

• Scenario 4: Navigating Group Dynamics (63:56 - 91:03): Ryan discusses challenges when interacting within a larger group, especially when aiming to make deeper connections. Connell advises befriending the entire group to gain social approval and increase the chances of individual connections.

  • Notable Quote (71:00):

    Connell Barrett: "If it's early in the night... befriend the whole group. Women don't usually leave their friends to spend hours with someone new immediately."

5. Transforming Mindset: Safe vs. Risky (58:53 - 83:24)

Connell introduces the paradox that what feels risky is often the safest approach. By stepping out of comfort zones and taking bold actions, individuals can create opportunities that timid approaches would never yield.

• Notable Quote (78:37):

  Connell Barrett: "What's risky is safe, and what's safe is risky. The riskiest thing you can do is timid, half-hearted, safe approaches because you risk never having a good result."

He uses the analogy of flying a plane to illustrate how stepping up to higher altitudes (taking bold actions) is actually safer than remaining at low altitudes where dangers abound.

• Notable Quote (78:48):

  Connell Barrett: "Imagine you're flying a plane. It might seem logical and safe to fly nice and low to the ground, but guess what, that's where the mountains and the buildings are not safe. However, if you pull back on the throttle and zoom up to 30,000 feet... that's actually, it's safe."

6. Final Tips and Marching Orders (83:24 - 94:41)

As the coaching session concludes, Connell provides Ryan with actionable "marching orders" to implement the five-step approach effectively:

1. Self-Preparation:

   • Remind yourself of your worth and the confident identity you’re embodying ("Ryan the Bold").

2. Simplified Execution:

   • Focus on short, positive opens without over-analyzing IOIs.

3. Consistent Application:

   • Adhere to the five steps to maintain consistency and build confidence over time.

4. Positive Reflection:

   • After each interaction, identify positive aspects to reinforce a growth mindset.

5. Embrace Risks as Safety:

   • Understand that bold actions are not only safe but also conducive to meaningful connections.

• Notable Quote (92:29):

  Connell Barrett: "So your marching orders are... follow the five steps, no harsh self-judgment, and unlock Ryan the Bold."

Key Takeaways

• Mindset Shift: Transition from seeking explicit indicators of interest to adopting a win/grow perspective, where every approach is an opportunity for success or personal growth.

• Structured Approach: Implement Connell's five-step system to streamline the process of approaching and interacting with women, reducing anxiety and enhancing confidence.

• Persistence with Respect: Maintain persistence in a respectful and charming manner, understanding that initial rejections may not be personal and that circumstances can change.

• Group Dynamics: Navigate social settings by befriending the entire group, thereby increasing social proof and easing individual connections.

• Reframing Risks: Recognize that bold and seemingly risky actions are often the safest and most effective ways to create genuine connections.

Notable Quotes

• Connell Barrett (00:12):

  "Don't take it as some kind of personal rejection. She just might not be in the mood at that moment to talk to you."

• Connell Barrett (15:30):

  "Every time I approach a girl and I give her the Ryan the Bold experience, I can and should feel great about that, and that's a win."

• Ryan (58:54):

  "Yeah, that totally makes sense. Maybe that would have been less, like, threatening than just asking, like, not really showing any, like, signs of interest in any of them."

• Connell Barrett (78:37):

  "What's risky is safe, and what's safe is risky. The riskiest thing you can do is timid, half-hearted, safe approaches because you risk never having a good result."

• Connell Barrett (83:32):

  "My only goal when I go out at night is I want to follow these five steps. And here's the nice thing about these steps... you're going to start off a little nervous... but once you start taking action, offering value, having some fun... you're going to start laughing off the rejections because they're not gonna bother you anymore."

Conclusion

In this episode, Connell Barrett effectively guides Ryan through overcoming approach anxiety by instilling a confident mindset and providing a practical, structured approach to interacting with women. By embracing authenticity, persistence, and a positive outlook on every interaction, listeners can learn to navigate social settings with greater ease and success. Connell's blend of personal anecdotes, live coaching, and actionable strategies offers a comprehensive roadmap for men seeking to build meaningful romantic connections with confidence and integrity.

Transcript

[Connell Baritz]

Next thing I know, she and I are dancing and making out on the dance floor. This is the same girl who rejected me, quote unquote, 60 or so minutes earlier.

[Ryan]

Wow.

[Connell Baritz]

So the lesson is not that if a woman says go away, the lesson is don't take it as some kind of personal rejection. She just might not be in the mood at that moment to talk to you.

[Narrator]

Welcome back to the how to Get a Girlfriend podcast. I'm your host, dating coach, Connell Baritz. I'm here to help you flirt with confidence and get lots of dates and approach women successfully, confidently, and get a great girlfriend and do it with authenticity. It's all about being authentic. Authenticity is to dating as the force is to Luke Skywalker. It is strong in you, young padawan, but you have to access it and channel it. This is a really fun another behind the scenes coaching episode. So you're going to listen to an actual dating coaching one on one call. I did with my client Ryan. And Ryan came to me with a couple problems. He has mindset confidence issues. He just feels like he felt confident.

[Connell Baritz]

Like he's just too short, not confident.

[Narrator]

Enough, not charismatic enough. He's a bit introverted and he's also a little bit on the shorter side. He's like 5, 7, 5, 8. And so we worked on his confidence in a previous episode about two episodes ago, you might have listened to what I call the authentic self awakening where I guided Ryan on a process where I help him see that his limiting beliefs are bullshit and, and he's actually the shit. He's incredible.

[Connell Baritz]

He's.

[Narrator]

He's so attractive, so intelligent, so awesome. So listen to the My last coaching session with Ryan about three episodes ago.

[Connell Baritz]

If you'd like to hear that.

[Narrator]

Tonight though is him putting it into practice, all about how to, how to go approach women, how to talk to women, what to do. It's all about a night out at the bars, meeting lots of women, which is what Ryan is now doing. So tonight I give him guidance on how to do that. And if you one to just listen to what I think is my favorite part of the episode, go to about minute 44. At minute 44 I share a funny.

[Connell Baritz]

Story from a few years ago.

[Narrator]

Right before the pandemic hit, I was out with my client Steven in a.

[Connell Baritz]

Bar in New York City and I.

[Narrator]

Had this really amazing moment where I approached a woman with Steven. She blew me off, she, quote, rejected me and then an hour later she comes back over to me while I'm on the dance floor being a wingman for My client Steve and she starts dancing with me and all of a sudden we're making out. And that's what's possible by not taking rejection personally. Don't think of an approach where a woman doesn't want to talk to you or isn't super into you. It doesn't mean you suck, you're worthless. It might just mean, hey, I'm not in the mood right now, but give me an hour.

[Connell Baritz]

And this girl came back over to me. All of a sudden we're kissing and making out.

[Narrator]

The same girl who reject. And that's a fun story. I talk about that at the 44 minute mark anyway, so feel free to go to that part if you want to. Just listen to the best highlight moment. Otherwise, enjoy my coaching session with Ryan. And by the way, if you want one on one personalized coaching help, then what you can do is go to datingtransformation.com and you can book a free call with me where you can get.

[Connell Baritz]

On the phone with me, we'll talk.

[Narrator]

For about 45 minutes and I'll go over your dating life with you, diagnose some of your problems, what's causing them, and also share a couple of solutions. So if you struggle with approach anxiety or if you just aren't sure what to say, how to flirt with women, or if online dating is really bothering you, you're just not getting matches and you really want to get a lot of wonderful women in your dating life and get a great girlfriend, then go to datingtransformation.com and you can book a one on one consultation with me and we'll talk. And if you don't want to do that, that's totally cool. Just listen to this episode. You'll hear me coach my boy Ryan. He is crushing it by the way. He is doing some amazing things with approaching and enjoy my conversation with my client Ryan. Here we go.

[Connell Baritz]

In our first chat, part one, we overhauled your, your core belief about your worthiness to attractiveness to women. And just remind me real quick in a sentence or two, what, what was that new belief we came up with?

[Ryan]

Yeah, I think we went from, or we're working on, I should say going from the previous belief from Ryan, like the, the insecure. I guess we could say to Ryan the bold.

[Connell Baritz]

Yeah.

[Ryan]

Who has swagger, is emotionally intelligent and has a good sense of humor and yeah, I've already felt like some. Yeah, I've already been coming back to that and kind of reminding myself of that call.

[Connell Baritz]

It's yeah, cool mindset, A success with women, especially with approaching, which is what we're going to talk about primarily right now. It starts with having a really strong story, the story of your worth and value to women. Because that story helps to feed the confidence, feed your emotional state and help you approach better, more confidently, more attractively. And what we're going to talk about is this is the strategy now in this coaching sesh. We're going to talk about the how to, the mechanics, what to say, what not to say, basically whatever the hell you want to ask me. But it is important to first understand that we need that core story there that feels a lot better so that women are meeting the best, most authentically confident version of you because that's going to make your approaches go even better. So I'm glad to hear that Ryan the Bold is here, ready to get to work. And Ryan the insecure is. Is drifting away slowly but surely. So let's get to it. Let's talk approaching. What do you want to work on? How can I help you, man?

[Ryan]

Yeah, I think within the context of night game and going out at night, like talking to girls in bars and eventually I don't go out to clubs too much, but same, same thing, applies some techniques and logistical things and within that. So I guess my first thing, and this is kind of a place to start, is my biggest. I think one of the things that's kind of causing me to get a little bit in my head with approaching and we touched on this a little last time, but I kind of want to, like, go a little bit more into depth about this is I have this idea in my head about like, like within, you know, the game or various, like that type of stuff, like IOIs, like indicators of interest. And I think I'm maybe not at night getting as many of these as, like, I want. And I think I'm using that as a reason to, like, stop myself. And I think that might be. I mean, it's. It's a little like, yeah, it's. It's frustrating because, like, I don't necessarily think that should be a good reason to let it stop myself. But, you know, like, all, you know, like, I kind of have this idea of like, a woman will, like, see a guy from across the room and smile and like, you know, like, look away and look towards. And I've seen this, like, one of my friends that I even like for New Year's, one of my good friends is, you know, exceptionally attractive when, when he goes out, it's like all the time, like, these girls are making Extremely, like, like blatant. Like, I just like, like invitation to approach, like, all the time, sometimes even approaching him, you know, so it's like I was giving him advice and basically, like, look around and pick one of those attractive girls that's, you know, making, like, eye contact with you and seems like she really wants you to approach. But for me, I think in. I think this probably applies to others as well, I'm assuming. But I don't, like. I think if I limited myself to that, then it wouldn't really get me anywhere. And especially with, like, more attractive, like, women. Because odds, like, occasionally, of course, there's like, you know, rare exceptions, but it's like the girls that'll. I'll have occasionally girls that'll blatantly hit on me. But those girls are typically people that I have, like, zero interest in or not attracted to. But the girls that I'm like, oh, she's super hot. Like, you know, I'm not going to be getting, like, eye contact or that.

[Connell Baritz]

Type of this stuff. So paint a picture. Paint a picture for me what you're talking about. Let's go into. Let's. Let's imagine a hypothetical. We're in a bar, we're in your kind of spot, and you're. You're looking around for someone to approach and you're not getting IOIs. Or are you talking about women you do approach. You're not getting them during the conversation. What are you asking?

[Ryan]

I think mainly just looking. Whether to approach. Like, I guess the. It's just approach every. Yeah, this, this might be a more simple, like, start to the conversation, but it's just like, that shouldn't, like, impact your decision to approach or not. Right. Like, whether, like, you're looking and somebody like. Or maybe even they make eye contact with you and they look away, but it's like, not a sign of. Oh, like, it might just be like, you know, that'll happen. Like, I'll look. Maybe. Maybe I should stop looking and stop thinking about that in the first place. Or maybe I'll look. I'll catch someone's eye and look, kind of walk away and be like, oh, I can't approach them because they didn't, like, lock eyes with me and seem interested. They seem disinterested.

[Connell Baritz]

I think I know what's going on here. You ever seen Terminator? Any of the Terminator movies?

[Ryan]

Yeah, I. I have. Yep.

[Connell Baritz]

You know how there's those Terminator glasses? I mean, technically it's not glasses because Schwarzenegger in the Terminator movies, he's got the glasses on. But you know how we see the Terminator point of view where he, like, assesses a situation, like, here's what I should do.

[Ryan]

Yep.

[Connell Baritz]

So imagine you have Terminator glasses on, or you have Terminator vision. What I think I hear you saying is you're looking around a room and you're like, oh, there is an attractive girl. Do, do, do, do, do. 17% chance of success because she's not looking at me, and she's talking to her friends. And then you're probably looking around the room trying to find, like, a. A girl who's, like, looking at you, smiling, twirling her hair, getting a nice high percentage of success coming up in your Terminator data. Is that something like that?

[Ryan]

Yeah, that's exactly. That's. That's basically exactly. And I'll even hear, like, the reason that I've kind of enforced some of these. I remember when I was out with these two girls, like, friends of, like, distant. Like, not people I'm really friends with, and I wasn't really, like, particularly interested in them, but I remember hearing them talking to each other about, like, oh, like, there's this guy that's really cute. And they were both talking about. And they're like, make. Make eye contact with them. That was kind of their advice. Like, you know, try to look. You know, so I'm like, oh, my gosh. Like, you know, the story I'm saying is, like, this is basically what women want is there. If they want you, they're gonna make eye contact with you. And if they don't, then they're not. And there's no point approaching otherwise. Basically, like, they'll already have their mind made up. Like, so, you know, that. That's kind of like the. Sometimes the mindset, I'll go in with a Terminator. Yeah, I mean, that's. That's a good analogy. Honestly.

[Connell Baritz]

Yeah. I'm a big movie nerd, so I. The world. I see the world through the lens of Beatles songs or 80s 90s action movies. I'm a friend of Sarah Khanna. I was told that she's here. Could I see her, please? Can't see her. She's making some statement. Where is she? Look, it may take a while.

[Ryan]

Want to wait? There's a bench over there.

[Connell Baritz]

I'll be back. Great movie. So I want you to put on a different Terminator set of Terminator glasses or have a different terminator po view POV. Instead of noticing the, oh, 19% chance of success because she's not looking at Me and talking to her friends. So that will probably fail. I want you to think of, think of the. The data that pops up, pops up on your Terminator screen. As in every woman you approach is a 100% success ratio. If you go talk to her, that's 100% success, at least in your mind. You need to look at this through the lens of every time I approach a woman and I give her the Ryan the Bold experience, I can and should feel great about that, and that's a win. Because either you're going to get a good approach result, or you're going to get some kind of lesson or some kind of victory just for trying, even if she's not into you. We've got to turn approaching into something that feels like a win loss. You know, heads, I win, she likes me. Tails, she didn't like me, didn't want me to approach her, and that's a loss. And turn every approach into a guaranteed win. Either you win or you learn. Either you win or you feel good that you tried something that really helped me back in the day, and that's helped a lot of my clients. Ryan is looking at this through the lens of win or grow. Every time I approach a girl, every time one of my clients does, I say either it's a win because a really cute girl is talking to me and I'm going to go on a date with her, or at least if I try and she's not that interested, at least I just put another brick in the wall of my character, of the cathedral of my character as a man. That feels really good. So I guess I'd like you to re. Kind of try to rewire things a little bit, and I'll. And I'll give you a very simple structure to do that. So you make it. I'll make this so much easier for you in about two minutes. But I want you to say every approach is a guaranteed win because either I get a cute girl into me and talking to me, which would be a huge win, or at least I'm manning up taking bold action. And that ties into your very identity, this new and improved identity that you just created called Ryan the Bold. So you get to feel good for being bold, and you get to feel good when an approach goes well and she's into you. And that's. That turns it into a guaranteed win because your. Your current Terminator glasses are turning it into a percentage of success versus failure. We got to remove the idea of failure. There's no such thing.

[Ryan]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I Think that would be more sustainable for me going out? Because it feels. Yeah. The current mindset is pretty exhausting. So. Yeah. I have another question. Do you want to talk about. Because you mentioned the two minutes, like giving something more. Yeah. How do you want to go about that?

[Connell Baritz]

Yeah, I want to give you. I want to give you the first of five steps. I'll go through all five before we're done here, but the first. When you go out at night to meet women, you want to follow a process, follow a system. And this is in my book. I don't know if you read the approaching chapters in my book, but there's five steps you want to follow when you go out at night. And step one of five is open. Often you open interactions with lots of women, so you minimize time in between approaches, and you just talk to lots of girls. That's step one of five. And once you start opening often, what's going to happen is you're going to switch off that part of your brain that's analyzing every situation for indicators of interest. Should I. Should I go? Approach. Should I not go? You're going to turn off that part of your brain and you're going to get into a more of a flow state. And you're not in two or three approaches into a night, maybe four or five. You're not even going to be thinking or worrying about IOIs. You're just going to be bouncing around from woman to woman, from interaction to interaction, like bumper cars. That's gonna feel so good. And then you're gonna start feeling like Ryan the Bold. So step one is open. Often there's no step that I teach that says open only if. And only if she looks at you, she smiles, she giggles, and she licks her lips. There's no rule that says you have to have all those things. In fact, the vast majority of women you're going to approach, she won't even know you exist until you walk up to her. And that is totally. Okay. Okay.

[Ryan]

Okay. Yeah, that's. That's. That's helpful.

[Connell Baritz]

So that's step one. I'll go through the other four, too, as well. But I just wanted to give you the quick fix for what. What's ailing you, which is looking for safe approaches or looking for some indicators of interest that you're a bold man who takes action and puts himself out there. There's nothing bold about waiting for some kind of complicit permission from a woman to come over. I want you to start being bold. And boldness includes walking up To a woman who doesn't even know you're there, but now she's talking to you, and it's going to. Some good things are going to happen. So don't let. Don't wait for women to give you permission to approach them. Okay.

[Ryan]

Yeah, it's a bit submissive.

[Connell Baritz]

Yeah, yeah, save. Save the submissiveness for your kinky dates. When she wants you to be sub and she's the dominant one, don't be submissive until it's a consensual kinky thing.

[Ryan]

Noted. Yeah, so I think. Yeah, so. So that's the one thing. And then I've kind of explored with different ways of going about it, and I have some notes here that I was kind of okay taking. I think there's kind of two. Okay. So I think there's two ways that I've been. I've been playing around with, like, direct, indirect, different types of stuff. And during the day, I feel. I always go direct, and I feel very comfortable going direct. And I think it works pretty well, actually. Okay, great. Not that, you know, just girls are like. Because maybe they're not, like, super on guard, but at night, you know, there's like, a really attractive girl that's kind of getting hit on, like, all the time and stuff. My mindset is like, go less. Go less direct. But either way, it's tough because sometimes I go too direct, and I just, like, kind of, like, act super flirty and, like, try to put on this, like, kind of, like, I don't know, not like, douchey, but, like, this Persona that I perceive would be, like, kind of attractive. But then, you know, the, like, sometimes, or sometimes you just say hi. Sometimes you just, like, try to flirt a little bit and you immediately get shot down because there's this girl with her friend. She's been getting hit on all the time. So she's just like, you know, her shield's super high up or. So that's kind of one option is, you know, go super direct. And, you know, I. I also, like, read the game. I know the idea in bars of, like, negging, which I don't like. I. I think, you know, from the wrong angle. Like, I. I don't try to do that, but I think, you know, with, like, an unattractive girl, like, teasing her a bit or doing these things, as opposed to just, you know, telling her that she's beautiful, like, every other guy is like, I'll try to do that. Kind of like, you know, either direct or teasing or telling her she's cute. Or some sort of. Or I'll just be indirect and try to start a conversation. And I feel like either one of them fails at different points. Like, I think the direct one is failing because her shields up. And maybe it can work, but I mean, maybe if her shields up, then it, like, has a lower. It just doesn't work as often. But then the indirect one, it's like transitioning from that. It feels like inauthentic because it's like, oh, I'm going from, like, this point of, oh, I want to make friends and be cool with everyone to the bar. So, yeah, do you have any.

[Connell Baritz]

Do you have any recent examples? Ask your question if you would. Or frame this problem through the lens of a recent or memorable approach that didn't go the way you wanted. Maybe let's look at a story. Maybe that's tackle this.

[Ryan]

I have one indirect story. Story. Then I can think of. Yeah, I have indirect story than a direct story. So the indirect story.

[Connell Baritz]

This, by the way, just. Just for the. For the listener, there's two ways to approach women, or there's two ways to open. Essentially, you can put them all into two categories. You can be direct, meaning you show clear romantic interest from the start, or you can be more indirect, which is kind of more friendly, more conversational. So direct would be, hey, excuse me, miss. Here at the coffee shop, you're beautiful, and I had to meet you. That's direct. Indirect would be, oh, hey, I see you're drinking iced coffee. Is that your usual go to. So anyway, I just wanted to give the listener a little. A listener might not be steeped in game. So quote, unquote, and. And all the pickup stuff that you might know about Ryan. It's totally cool. I just wanted to kind of clarify. When you say direct and indirect, that's what you're talking about, but please proceed.

[Ryan]

Okay. Yeah. So an indirect example. And, you know, this is me not expressing interest right away. And there was a girl and her friends. So two set, I guess, in terms of, like, game speak. And, you know, there's.

[Connell Baritz]

Did you isolate the target?

[Ryan]

I was trying to.

[Connell Baritz]

Sorry, go ahead. Where were you? Nighttime Daytime bar. Where.

[Ryan]

Yeah, this is nighttime. This is at a bar. It was out. It was like, late at night. It was like, what, like 1:30 in the night or something.

[Connell Baritz]

Okay.

[Ryan]

And I made. It was a girl with her friends, and I made some, like, joke about, like, some silly outfit they were wearing. Something that was very, like, non. Very indirect. Like, not. I don't remember exactly, but it was something about. It it was, I think it was a common, like they looked the same and they were wearing like this kind of silly outfit and baseball cap or something. So I joked around and they were joking back and we were talking about this and you know, it's like this very well like friendly conversation that like they're seem interested in having. Like they're, you know, it's. Oh, there's this, like it's non threatening, like there's, you know, we're having this friendly conversation and then I, there's several thoughts that kind of are going through my mind at that point. I'm like, you know, I have the girl that I have my eyes on that I want to, you know, like get to know her better, get her number, take her home, you know, whatever, depending on like how things progress. But then I, you know, her friends and I'm like, this is so I guess this, this. I know you're joking about isolate the target, but that is kind of ultimately necessary. And what I did you bring, did.

[Connell Baritz]

You bring the taser gun like I instructed you to? Kidding. Okay, keep going.

[Ryan]

Yeah, so what I tried to do is that. And I guess I was like, should I try to like express my interest before I isolate or after? And what I ended up doing and this wasn't like a good. I don't really know how I could have done better, but this wasn't a good thing to do. I don't think is I basically were talking and super friendly. Seems like you know, interested in talking. Not sure what else, you know, might just be totally platonic. But I said I saw a picture of like a guy on her screen and I was like thinking like. And I mentioned, I was like oh, like is that your boyfriend? She's like, oh no, but she's my girlfriend. Like you know, pointing to the girl she was with. And you know, I'm like, damn. Like maybe I said that too fast, like out of the blue. I was kind of trying to turn it more you know, from platonic into like, you know, like romantic, sexual. And I feels like it kind of just couldn't bridge the gap like, or isolate her. I guess those were kind of the two things I wanted to do and kind of just.

[Connell Baritz]

So what's your question? What problem did you have? Frame this in a question that I can help you with. How could I asking, yeah, how could.

[Ryan]

I have, how could I have slowly start to turn the conversation into more of expressing my interests into her in less of a 0 to 100 way? Where it goes, where it goes from. Oh he's just being friendly to. He's completely hitting on me. Like, how do I slowly. To make. Make it clear both to her and her friend, that she's the one I'm interested in and, you know, the person I'm like.

[Connell Baritz]

Okay, so was it the three of you? Was it you and these two women?

[Ryan]

It was me and these two women, and my friend was talking to some other people in the background.

[Connell Baritz]

Okay, so essentially it was the three of you.

[Ryan]

Yep.

[Connell Baritz]

Okay. And there was one girl you were attracted to? One. Not so much. Not romantically.

[Ryan]

Yeah.

[Connell Baritz]

Right. Okay.

[Ryan]

Yeah.

[Connell Baritz]

And how long was the conversation total?

[Ryan]

Five minutes.

[Connell Baritz]

All right. And so you approached. You started chatting about how they looked alike or were dressed similarly, which is great. It's a great observation to make. And it sounds like you were having fun, you were being conversational, and just bring in some value, which is great. You want to start off by bringing some good vibes, some good mojo, and they clearly were liking it. And then you just didn't know how to dial up your intent, your interest in the woman you wanted to show that interest to. Right?

[Ryan]

Yeah.

[Connell Baritz]

Okay. Couple different thoughts. Here it is. It is a slightly complex situation because there's you and there's two women. One woman you're attracted to one. One woman you're not. And what you want to do in this situation is. Or a great option in this situation is you let the woman know who you're attracted to, that you're attracted to her. And there's a couple different ways to do this. One is you just kind of totally own it and talk to the girl who is the one you're attracted to. Let's give them some hypothetical names. Who's the. Who's the girl you're interested in? What's her hypothetical name? What's a cute girl name?

[Ryan]

Lexi.

[Connell Baritz]

Lexi. And what is her nice friend who maybe you weren't into, but is a perfectly good person. What is her friend's name?

[Ryan]

Sarah.

[Connell Baritz]

Cool. We got sexy Alexa and plain Sarah. Okay. No offense to them. I'm sure Sarah's a beautiful person. Sexy Lexi and her. You know, Sarah. So basically what you could do is you could turn to Sarah and say, hey, Sarah, can I ask you a question? Is Lexi here as cool and as interesting as I hope she is? Because I'm thinking about asking her out, but I'm not sure yet. What do you think? So you could use the friend as essentially screen. And this is. This is while Lexi is there listening. So you're showing your interest, but you're including the friend. So you're actually involving her. And that's one way to do it. That. That way you're. You're involving the friend, but. But letting the cute girl or the girl you're romantically interested in know that you're interested. Another approach you could do is. Is, as you might know, I teach this idea of what's called man to woman communication, right? You're. You're flirtatious. You're putting some clear, quote unquote, masculine, authentic energy out there to the woman you're attracted to. And talking to a woman who you just like in a more friendly way, that's more of a friend to friend interaction. So you could talk to Lexi, you could be a little bit teasing, you could challenge her. You could be clear with your interest and say, wow, Lexi, you know, what's really sexy about you is your name rhymes with sexy. And. And then you would talk to Sarah in a more friendly way. You would ask her about her, her life, her job, you know her. You would keep it more friendly. So that's another way to show that romantic interest is you talk to Lexi with some flirtatiousness, some. What I call man to woman moves, and you talk to Sarah in a more friendly way. That way you keep the friend involved, but you're making it clear who you're interested in. Makes sense so far.

[Ryan]

Yeah, that totally makes sense. Maybe that would have been less, like, threatening than just asking, like, not really showing any, like, signs of interest in any of them. Just asking all of a sudden. If, you know, she had a. That probably would have been a much better way to play it.

[Connell Baritz]

Oh, asking if she had a boyfriend?

[Ryan]

Yeah, like out of the blue, like, kind of like looking at that.

[Connell Baritz]

I rarely say always or never, but I'm pretty close to saying never ask a woman if she has a boyfriend, because it's not really serving you the question. It's irrelevant to me if she has a boyfriend. If she has a boyfriend, she'll let me know. And if and when I ask her out or kind of put some real. Put a card on the table, she'll tell me. And if she doesn't have a boyfriend, I think there's something a little bit. It's kind of supplicating or a little bit timid. A little bit like screening for a safe approach by finding out if she has a boyfriend. Frankly, I almost. I would say the majority of women have some guy in her life if she wants who she's either dating or at least has as an option for. And by asking a woman if she has a boyfriend, you're potentially lowering your value, quote, unquote, by, by screening for only women who have boyfriends, as opposed to what I want you to be doing, which is you're just a bold, fun, intelligent guy out there laughing, having fun, having a great time, and frankly, you don't care if she has a boyfriend. You're going to make your move, you're going to take your chance. And if she, if she has one, you can let her tell you she does, because if she doesn't, no problem. And if there's a guy in the picture but she's really liking you, hell, she might not want you to know about a guy she's dating because she's interested in you. So it's almost like that that question doesn't serve you.

[Ryan]

That makes sense. Yeah. I have a follow up, which is, let's say, because I could ask this either as a hypothetical of this situation or another, like real one situation, but, you know, it's happened in the past for me. I can think of one specific example where, you know, I'm talking to a girl, I am expressing interest, flirting with her, and she tells me she has a boyfriend, which is very typical. Or, you know, the case we're talking about. Let's say, you know, this Lexi girl. I'm like, oh, sexy Lexi. And she laughs and she's like, I have a boyfriend. Is, should I be ejecting immediately or do I like is there? You know, because again, like, it might be short, like, yeah, yeah.

[Connell Baritz]

It'S up to you. Here's a way to think about the whole boyfriend thing. The I have a boyfriend. If she says it very early in a conversation, that's indicative of you. Not that's indicative of her, just saying that as something to say to let you know that she's not interested and that you're not bringing enough of that masculine, fun, man to woman, authentic value. So it's the I have a boyfriend thing early in the first minute or two or, you know, two or three minutes, that's a sign that, hey, she's not feeling it. And she's going to say that to nicely, politely get rid of you. If she says it later on and you've been flirting and having a great interaction and you're, you're going for it, you're asking her out or you're going to go for an instant make out or not instant, but you're going to go for a makeout on the dance floor or you're basically saying, hey, Give me your number. I'd like to see you again. And then she says, I have a boyfriend. That's a genuine. Probably a genuine situation where she does have a guy she's seeing and dating, but I assume a woman who's out on the town with her girlfriend. Unless I. Unless proven otherwise, I assume she's available because if she wasn't, she'd probably be out with her boyfriend doing something more boyfriend and girlfriend.

[Ryan]

Okay?

[Connell Baritz]

So when I get the I have a boyfriend thing early, I deflect away from it and treat it as something to have fun with. Now, she may or may not have a boyfriend, but if I get that early, hey. Hey, what's up? If I approach her right away, she's like, hey, I have a boyfriend. I'm like, oh, that's cool. I have three girlfriends. I'm a Mormon, you know. Or a girl will say. A girl will randomly say, hey, I have a boyfriend. I'll say, oh, okay, my sister has a water bed. It's your turn for totally random, useless information. So I'll fuck with her, or I'll turn into something that I find fun and funny. And if she doesn't have a boyfriend, that's going to help me get somewhere with her, potentially, because she's showing. I'm showing her persistence. Fun. I'm bringing more fun to the interaction. And if she legit has a boyfriend, that's fine too. At least I'm still having a good time. And then after I make her laugh a little bit and bring some of that Connell Barrett fun energy, she might actually legit have a boyfriend, in which case I'm totally cool with that. I probably won't eject right away, to answer your question. I want to. I want to have fun on my terms, and I'm not gonna. I used to hate the feeling of walking away, like, oh, you have a boyfriend. Okay, bye. Ugh, awful. I'd feel dismissed. But really, I'm the one dismissing myself back then, oh, you have a boyfriend. Okay, have a good night. Like, no, if you have a boyfriend, I want to. I want to keep the fun going and crack some jokes or at the very least, just talk to people to stay social, and then maybe I'll eject them in a minute or two. So basically, I assume the I have a boyfriend thing is just an objection. That's probably bullshit to be overcome. And by overcoming it, I can possibly create some real attraction with her by showing that I'm fun. And I'm not gonna just walk away because she has a boyfriend. And if it's. If it's legit. If it's legit, she really does have a boyfriend. That's cool. Some girls have boyfriends, and that's fine.

[Ryan]

Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

[Connell Baritz]

So, yeah. What's a fun answer you could have ready for? I have a boyfriend.

[Ryan]

My sister has a water. That is funny. All right, those are both really good answers.

[Connell Baritz]

You could use those if you want.

[Ryan]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Those are. Those are great lines.

[Connell Baritz]

I have a boyfriend, too. Yeah, you say that. His name is. His name is. His name is Tab. He's so handsome. He's so hunky. Do you think he. Do you think he's going to marry me? What do you think? I don't know. I mean, you could. I'm not overthinking it. I'm just playing. I'm. I'm just playing. You want to have it, make it playful and fun, and so it's really up to you as to how you handle it. But I wouldn't. I wouldn't want to just eject right away just because, hey, I want to turn every approach into something that's enjoyable and fun for me, even if it doesn't lead anywhere.

[Ryan]

Okay. Yeah, I think that makes sense.

[Connell Baritz]

You struggle with dating, right? Sure, you have a good job and cool friends, but you just aren't sure how to flirt. The apps don't work for you, and sometimes women put you in the friend zone. It's frustrating. Hey, I struggled with dating, too. As an introvert and a total nerd. I didn't just live in the friend zone. I owned real estate there. But I escaped using the dating philosophy of Radical Authenticity, which I've used to help thousands of men in 17 countries find love. It's what I wrote about in my best selling book, Dating Sucks, but yout Don't. And Radical Authenticity is why Psychology Today called me the best dating coach in America. And now I want to personally help you attract your dream girlfriend. So go to datingtransformation.com and book a free call with me. On our call, I'll tell you how my one on one coaching will help you find your dream girlfriend. And you'll be doing it by flirting with confidence and. And authenticity. No creepy pickup tricks needed. So go to datingtransformation.com, book a free call today, and let my personalized coaching help you get a great girlfriend.

[Ryan]

I think the other. So the thing that I'm worried about a little here is I think when I'm in a really good state, I think I naturally have Pretty good social skills and awareness where I can kind of tell like if I'm, you know, actually annoying somebody and beat by being too persistent or also the other thing is if you're joking and laughing around about it and persisting in that type of way, then at least in my experience, people don't usually get like too upset. Like if you, you know, joke and persist and joke and persist and then, you know, eventually leave it. It's not. But, you know, if I'm in a bad mood and I'm kind of doing this and I'm persisting in this kind of like more logical, less like fun way, then I've had it happen where it's where I've, you know, it's like kind of, I guess like annoyed girls there. And this hasn't really happened like there. This was actually a massive anomaly for me. But there was a case a few. This is like a few months ago. And this was. This is really weird. This is kind of. Yeah, this was. This is a anomaly. But like, there are these girls I was flirting with. I wasn't in a great vibe that night. So I maybe like wasn't like, you know, being persistent in like the type of fun way. But you know, I'm flirting with them. Not, not doing anything even like super sexual or trying to make out with them or grow like any. Nothing that really crossed the line. But I'm kind of just dancing and dancing in front of them and maybe just like kind of annoying them and stuff. And yeah, maybe I was like, I don't know, like, tried to give one of them, like, or two of them a hug. But nothing that crosses the line in terms of like, I was talking to a friend about this. I don't think there's really like anything super. But you know, I find out later, like, you know, I don't really think much of it. I was like, oh, I wasn't really having a great night. And then I find out later I'm like, damn. Like, apparently these girls were kind of in the extended friend group and I didn't really know about this. And apparently like these girls were friends with a girl that I, that I like, that's like a friend of a friend. And she was. And apparently they didn't like me because of that. And then their friends, who was friends with them didn't like them because of like this whole like herd mentality, kind of like bs. And you know, I found out about this and I was like, I was freaking pissed off. I was like, you know, there's Nothing to apologize. Like, like, maybe I was, like, you know, being too persistent or stuff. But I mean, like. And I, you know, was talking to a friend about this, and it was like, a whole, like, embarrassing situation. I was, like, debating. I was like, should I apologize? Like, I don't really have anything to apologize for, you know, but, like, so I. This was kind of a situation where I was just being, like, maybe not being socially attuned, which is, you know, normally, I think, sober and under good circumstances I can do this. But maybe I was drinking or maybe I was so, like, logical and that I was, you know, not doing this. But, you know, that's the other side of the extreme where if I persist, like, how do I know? All right? Like, this conversation, like, is going nowhere because, you know, I kind of thought that I. And I still think I have a pretty good sense of that. Like, maybe it's just the alcohol, but maybe I actually need, like, a little bit of help being like, all right, when do I, you know, leave the situation to avoid?

[Connell Baritz]

It's pretty simple. I wasn't with you, obviously, so I don't know exactly what happened to create any dissension in the ranks of those women. But let's keep it really simple. When you're out approaching women at night, you can absolutely approach. And your persistence. As long as you combine persistence with charm and bringing value, trying to anyway, that can go a long way toward getting some women attracted to you. Here's what to look for in terms of, oh, I should leave now. Whenever a woman says, well, it was nice meeting you, that's polite code for, we're done talking to you. You can go now. So if a woman said, hey, it's nice meeting you, I would immediately say, nice meeting you, too. Have a great night. And I would basically bolt. Because I would see, I would read that as, hey, she's done talking to this old ginger dude. And I'm totally fine with that. So to me, if a woman is talking to you and giving you her social focus, I don't care if she's giving you Iois or not. But if she's talking to you, if she's being present and listening to you and eye contact, keep talking to her. If you want to be. If you want to be talking to her. And if she says things like, oh, it was nice meeting you. I'm going to get back to my friends now, then I would leave, say, hey, have a great night, or if she's talking to you, or technically standing there, but she's kind of Ignoring you. She's on her phone, she's, you know, no eye contact, she's giving you monosyllabic answers or no answers. I would basically take that as a non verbal version of nice meeting you, you can go now. And I would say something similar. I'd keep it positive. Hey, have a good night. I'll let you get back to your friends. And I would, maybe I might re. Approach later, might catch her in a better mood, but basically I wouldn't persist whenever there's any kind of verbal or clear non verbal cues of you can go now, dude, I'm absolutely going to go because I want to be, I want you to be that guy who steps up, who's bold, who takes some chances. Be the first guy to do that and also be the first guy to notice when a woman's not paying attention to you or says nice meeting you and then you can leave as a gentleman and women are going to appreciate that and you're going to feel good doing that.

[Ryan]

Yeah, yeah, that's, that's makes sense. So that, that applies both to, you know, obviously it was nice meeting you. And then you can still maybe like later in the night, like try to then very quickly be attuned, you know, to or non like if she's like looking at her phone, is there never a chance like, oh, like sometimes I'll think in my head, oh, she's looking at her phone. Like, you know, if I continue to like be charming and funny, like maybe she'll stop looking at her phone or something?

[Connell Baritz]

Yeah, you can certainly try to do that. You can, absolutely. It's, it's. Think of it this way. I should have mentioned the two minute rule. I, I have like a little two minute timer that goes off in my mind. I'm like, I want my approach to try to get to the two minute mark. I'm gonna try to get to the two minute mark with a woman. Assuming again, she's giving me reasonable social signals that it's okay for me to be there. You know, if she turns away from me, if she says, hey, please do you mind, I'm talking to my friends here. Please go away. I'm, I'm absolutely gonna say, no worries, maybe I'll catch you later. Yeah, but if it's just kind of like that middle ground of friend of polite, conversational, not giant IOIs, but also not nice meeting you, go away. Does that middle ground. What I recommend you do is just try to hit to the two, hit the two minute mark. The two minute mark gives her and you both a little chance to relax, to have her get a sense for who you are. Ryan the bold, this guy with good emotional intelligence, cool job, great social skills. Gives her two minutes to sort of take a sample of you. If after two minutes you decide that you want to bolt because you're just not feeling a great vibe, you can re approach later. There's something really great about the two minute mark. It takes about that much time for you to get comfortable in your own skin around new people and also for them to get comfortable with you. And then after two minutes, you might want to stick around a little bit longer and see if it's. If it's going reasonably well, get another minute or two in. But if after two minutes you feel like, ah, you know, she's on her phone still, she's barely talking to me, totally fine to bounce and talk to somebody else. Who knows, she might be in a better mood later. You might talk to her again. There's nothing wrong with re approaching. Um, but I, I like to. I, I follow the two minute rule and I try to get to two minutes. Unless she says, hey, no thanks, we're not interested in talking. We're having a girl's conversation right now. Nice meeting you. And then I'm absolutely going to accept that because it's a free country. She's allowed to not talk to me if she wants.

[Ryan]

Yeah, totally. Yeah, that, that's super interesting. Have you ever had it, like, happen where you've, like, gone, like, eject, ejected, and then come back later and like, the second time because the girl's in a better mood or something like that, the conversation's gone better because that's.

[Connell Baritz]

Yeah, I've had everything happen. I've been rejected by a woman, quote, unquote, and then hooked up with her that night.

[Ryan]

Oh, wow.

[Connell Baritz]

I think this here's a story.

[Ryan]

Sorry, go ahead.

[Connell Baritz]

Oh, quick story. I was telling another client this today, so it's fresh in my mind. I went out once with a client named Steven, I believe, and Stephen and I were at a bar once upon a time. This is trying to remember when this was. This would have been right before the pandemic, if memory serves. But it, you know how, like everything before the pandemic kind of froze in Amber. Everything that happened is very vivid. That's why I remember it was one of my last nights out before the pandemic, you know, changed the world. And my client Steve and I are at a place in New York City called Pianos. New Yorkers would know it. And Steve and I approach a couple women. Actually, I'm sort of leading things because it's his first night out, he's a little bit nervous. And we approach and mainly me and this girl kind of like gives us a pretty quick, hey, not interested, dude. A pretty. I'm talking 20 seconds. And then just like, no, thanks. Okay? What you would call a genuine. I call it. I call it a blowout. What you might call rejection. What anybody might call that, basically, no thanks, dude. I'm like, all good. Have a good night. Fast forward about an hour. Steve and I are on the dance floor. I'm being his wingman. He's talking to a really cute girl. He's dancing with her. I'm dancing by myself to. To quote Billy Idol, dancing by myself.

[Ryan]

But I'm.

[Connell Baritz]

I'm next to Steve, right? Watching him. I'm there being a good wingman and seeing if he needs me for anything. The girl from earlier who rebuffed us, she comes up to me and she starts kind of grinding on me, kind of like dirty dancing a little bit in my vicinity. And I'm like, okay, now we're dancing. And then minute later, she's like kind of really dirty dancing with me. And she puts a drink up to my face and I take a drink of her, whatever her vodka something or other. And then next thing I know, she and I are dancing and making out on the dance floor. This is the same girl who rejected me, quote unquote, 60 or so minutes earlier.

[Ryan]

Wow.

[Connell Baritz]

So the lesson is not that if a woman says go away. The lesson is don't take it as some kind of personal rejection. She just might not be in the mood at that moment to talk to you. Maybe that girl, whoever she was five years ago, I guess at this point, almost five years ago, whoever she was, maybe she just was a little sober in her head, not feeling like being approached. The moment I came up to her with Steven next to me, hour, 90 minutes later, she saw me again. And maybe she was just feeling differently and in a different, different mood. So, yeah, you can absolutely re. Approach a woman, in fact, by. By taking the thanks but no thanks with aplomb. And. And no, nothing personal. You're actually creating a warm lead. Women remember that. Women remember that you're the cool guy who just kind of said, hey, all good, Have a good night. And then 15, 20 minutes later, an hour later, she might think, oh, you know what? I was kind of a little pissy with him. He's actually a pretty cool guy. And who knows? You might have a Great approach. Two or three hours later or an hour later. So yeah, don't take anything personally. It's just a bar. Nothing matters, nothing means anything.

[Ryan]

Yeah, that, that's actually really interesting. And basically if you had kept like persisting and been aware of the social skill like that would have turned from, I probably would have killed all the chances. She would have been like, damn, this guy's annoying.

[Connell Baritz]

Right.

[Ryan]

Instead of like, oh, yeah, yeah.

[Connell Baritz]

I would have kind of burnt it down to the ground or something.

[Ryan]

Yeah.

[Connell Baritz]

So, yeah, no big deal. It's no big deal. It's not. I don't, you know me a little bit at this point. I don't think of it as a rejection. It's just her response in that moment based on her mood. I have literally, I'm not saying this to brag. It's just because I've been doing this a long time. I have literally that girl and I didn't hook up that night. But I've literally like had, had one night stands or had, you know, flings with a woman who the first time I, I talked to her, she was like, not interested, no thanks. Or, or just clearly said, hey, I'm going to talk to my girlfriends now. You can go away now. But then a little bit later she's in a different mood and when we have a chance to actually talk and connect and then, yeah, so you don't take it personally and you approach her.

[Ryan]

The second time, like with confidence and stuff.

[Connell Baritz]

Yeah, like when I go out with clients in the city, in New York here, sometimes I'll be like, you know, I go out for the night and I give guys directives. Go approach her, go say this, go do that. Every so often I'll be with a guy, a client, and I'll say, oh, go over that blonde over there. He'll say, oh, no, I already approached her. And I'm like, yeah, that's why you're going to go back over. You created a warm lead. As long as she wasn't like, as long as she didn't throw a drink in his face, she'll remember him from earlier. If anything, she's a good lead to follow, not somebody who is now off the, off the dance card of somebody you can't talk to. So it's almost like when you go out at night, do a lot of opens, short and sweet early on and don't think of them as wins or losses or rejections or her accepting. You just think of them as little icebreakers where you're creating little warm leads. It's almost rejection proof to think of it this way. You're just walking around doing quick little. Hey, excuse me. I like your glasses. Great dance moves. Hey, nice tattoo. Love your style. Just talking like short little 5 second opens and you're not even giving a woman any chance to, quote, reject you. You're just breaking the ice, getting into that good Ryan the bold state and then second round. All of a sudden you're that cool guy who's being social and talking to women. And women notice that and like the fact that you weren't a conversation leech, you weren't hitting on her, you're just kind of loosening up. Does that make sense?

[Ryan]

I think it does make sense. Yeah. Yeah. I need to completely change the way that I'm and like overhaul my night.

[Connell Baritz]

Well, let's talk about that. I'm glad you said that. Here's what I want you to think about. This is in my book. But. And by the way, anybody listening to this, if you want a free copy of my book, all you got to do is shoot me an email. I'll send any podcast listener a copy of Dating sucks, but you don't. No charge. So you just email me. This is in the show notes. So anyway, but I'm opening my book right now and it's chapter, chapter 10, which is the how to mechanics chapter about approaching. I want to get. I want to share with you something that's in my book, but I'll talk about it right now. When you go out at night, you said I need to overhaul my night. Here's how I want you to overhaul it. Okay? Think of there being five steps. When you go out at night, there are only five steps I want you to follow. Here they are. Step number one. Open. Often open lots of conversations. Minimize time in between approaches. That's step number one. Like I mentioned earlier, Step number two, offer value. Be yourself. Be authentic. Offer authentic value. Try to bring something to the table, even if it's just a good, positive, quick little compliment, a little cracking, a joke, noticing that two women are dressed alike, joking about that. Those are ways we offer value. So that's. Step number two is offer value. Step number three is. How do I put this? I guess I'd say make a man. Make a man to woman connection. Or try to. In other words, she's a cute girl. If you've been talking for a couple minutes, flirt a little bit, let her know you like her. Tease, joke, flirt. That's step number three. Step number four is go for the close, bare minimum. Get A phone number. But basically escalate things beyond just a nice conversation. Go for a number, ask her out, take her somewhere to a different part of the bar, introduce her to your friends. Essentially escalate it from just you and she talking. Bare minimum, get a phone number. Ideally leave the bar with her. Eventually pull. And step number five, which is the least sexy but super important. Step number five is find something good, positive or funny about every single approach, everyone. Whether it goes great or whether it's laughably bad. So again, step one, open often. Step two, offer authentic value. Step three, be man to a woman. Flirt a little bit. Step four, go for that, clothes, go for something, a phone number, something. And step five, every approach, whether it's five seconds or five hours, you ask yourself what was good about that? What can I feel good about? Or what was funny? Something, what was the lesson? In other words, step five. Another way to say step five is no self judgment or at least no harsh self judgment. So when I go out at night and when you go out at night, Ryan, all I really want you to do is say I'm just going to follow the five steps. It's going to open often, bring some value and see what I find and not judge any interaction and find some good value. And by doing this, you're gonna get outta your head. You're gonna turn off that judgmental side of you or that safe side that's looking for who's the safe set? Who's the safe girl to approach. You're just gonna start bouncing around a bar, kind of like bumper cars in a good way. You're just like bouncing around at different people, offering value, having fun. Women are dying for guys like that to come talk to them because you're not. Remember, there's no step that says get what you want, take from her, be creepy. No, it's all about giving to giving. Value giving, Authentic, good, genuine mojo. And women want to be with a cool guy like you who's got something to give and then she's going to want to give back. How does that structure sound? Big picture.

[Ryan]

Yeah, yeah, it makes sense. It's a very like fundamentally different in terms of like, I don't know. Yeah, so it's a less negative view in terms of like, you know, throwing out negs or something or whatever, you know, like that's.

[Connell Baritz]

Yeah, it's not that. By the way, there's nothing wrong with teasing and joking, having fun. But yeah, negative negs, quote unquote, old school nags trying to mess with a girl's Self esteem, doing things that are manipulative. Yeah, there's, there's, there's no room for that. That's just low integrity. I don't think, I don't think it works. Even if it worked, I wouldn't want to go through my dating life that way. But it also doesn't work because I tried everything. I tried it all. And that stuff generally doesn't work. So. But I say I share these five steps with you. Not because I want you to feel kind of like some kind of robot, where it's like, time to follow the next step. It's just a way to get some certainty between your ears so that when you go out at night, there's so much uncertainty. Right. Who knows what's going to happen with any given approach? You just can't predict. So follow these five steps because they're going to give you a sense of certainty that makes you feel really good. It's like my only goal when I go out at night is I want to follow these five steps. And here's the nice thing about these steps, and I'd love for you to your next night out. Basically, that's what I want you to do. Those are your marching orders. Just follow the five steps for the next night you go out. And what I think you're going to find, you're going to find that you're going to start off in your head. You're going to start off a little nervous. And in your head, that's totally normal and human. It's fine. It's healthy. Actually, in a way, it's healthy because you're like, I'm a nervous person. I don't want to bother people. It's a sign of your mental health. That's a good thing in a way. But you're gonna, you're probably gonna start off the night in your head. But once you start taking action, offering value, having some fun, and also, and that step five is so important, finding good fundamental good, good mojo from every approach. You're gonna laugh off the, quote, rejections because they're not gonna bother you anymore. And that's gonna make it so much easier for you to talk to other women. And you're gonna get some good results, too. And basically the five steps, it's not about being a regimented robot. It's about, let's unlock Ryan the bold. Let's unlock the flow state that feels so good to you and feels so good to women. So the five steps, it's actually a key to unlocks the flow state. Ryan, the bold version of you.

[Ryan]

Yeah.

[Connell Baritz]

It's just about doing it. It's about doing it.

[Ryan]

Yeah. I definitely will focus on. Yeah. Something to. I can try to put into. Into action. Yeah. Could I. I have another question which happened on New Year's, and this is also kind of similar to. I. I think this might fall into the category of what we were saying, but there was this girl that I like, there's this one girl I approached and like, she seemed pretty receptive. Like, she smiled, she asked me what my name was, she introduced, and then she did all that. And then she's like, oh, I'm walking over to get my friends. So it's kind of like on the one hand, it's like an ejecting thing because it's like she needs to go, but she, you know, it seems like she's smiling and asking. It's like, at least not like terribly disinterested. So maybe like, based on what you said is that maybe I let her go. I'm super nice, and then I catch her later or something when it's more conducive.

[Connell Baritz]

How long. How long did you speak with her?

[Ryan]

It's like 20 sec, 30 seconds. Ooh.

[Connell Baritz]

Okay. That's tough to make that stick. It's doable, but, man, 20 seconds, that's not very much time. That's why I try to hit that two minute mark. So what was the situation again? You approached her and she was. Was she walking when you approached her or she started.

[Ryan]

Yeah, she was walking. She was walking to like. I think she probably was trying to get back to her friends or something.

[Connell Baritz]

Okay, so. So you approached her while she's walking. So you're walking with her.

[Ryan]

No, I wasn't. I kind of was just like standing. Yeah. I usually try to avoid.

[Connell Baritz]

Tell me exactly what happened. Give me the play by play.

[Ryan]

Okay. I'm at the bar with my three friends. She's walking around the bar, like, to go to her friends, like by herself. She's walking around the bar. I stop her and I say hi. And I made some joke again about like, like opens pretty, like made some joke or something. She's like, oh, like, you know, was like smiling. She's like. And she's like, what's your name? And like, smile, you know. And I told her my name was. And she. I was told. And I made some joke. I didn't really know. I need to. That comes up all the time, so I have to have something to say. But she asked me what my name was and I made some Stupid joke. I was like, oh, like the government doesn't let me say that?

[Connell Baritz]

Or okay, I like that. That's top secret.

[Ryan]

And then I can't.

[Connell Baritz]

You that.

[Ryan]

Yeah, something like that.

[Connell Baritz]

So she. She stopped for a few. For 20 seconds and then basically said, I gotta go meet my friends.

[Ryan]

Yeah, it was. It was. Yeah.

[Connell Baritz]

Okay, great. First of all, let's. Let's follow. Let's look at the five steps real quick. Let's. Let's use step five. What was good about that? What did you do that was good or that you could feel good about or something positive from that really stopped and was enough.

[Ryan]

Like, I think she was. Had some degree of, you know, wanting to have a conversation at least clearly, even if it was a small one.

[Connell Baritz]

Right. Great. It's also. It sounds like you did a. Had a funny. As a. That's a pretty funny joke. I like that. The. You're on a need to know basis. I can't tell you my name. Top secret or whatever. That's funny. I like that. That's what I mean by step five is you always want. After every approach, you want to say, okay, what I do, that was good. What did I do that I can feel good about? Before you analyze about what you should do better or differently. But I want to tell you that too. Of course we want both. So always give yourself some good mojo first. Hey, at least you approached most. Probably 10 other guys saw her and did jack shit and you stepped up, Mr. Bold. I love it. Cool. Anyway. Cool. But now let's talk about what to do differently, what to do better or try to. So if I was in your shoes, if I was with you that night, coaching you, I would have said, walk with her. She. If she says, oh, I can't talk, I gotta go meet my friends, then you take the lead and say, great, let's go meet your friends. Let's go. Where are they? I'll help you find them. And essentially lead her toward her friends. Women love a leader. Women love a man who's leading them somewhere. Now, if she says that's okay, I don't. You don't need to do that. I'm fine. Okay. That would be her version of nice meeting you. I don't think she would have said that. Based on what you said. I think she would have been like, okay, they're over there, let's go. And then you kind of go with her. And then you have to be really bold here. Here's where Ryan the Bold really has to be in touch with that identity. You Got to be that man of action. And you lead her to the friends. Like, ah, ladies, I think I found the missing person in your group. Get her name right. And now you've probably bought yourself five minutes with her because you just stepped up and took kind of bold action and. And not only stopped her, but kind of brought her into your world and in a sense, or at least led her to meet her friends. So that would be. That would have been a very proactive thing to have done, which. Which you can do next time because I guarantee you that'll happen again the next time you're out. Or it could happen again.

[Ryan]

It's a pretty common, like, situation.

[Connell Baritz]

Yeah. So just lead. It's kind of like, it's good to stop her if you can and have her talk to you for at least a couple minutes. But if. If the momentum of her in that night is going to find her friends, then be the water, not the rock. Flow with her and lead her toward. And I. I mean, literally lead like a half step ahead of her. Hey, great, where are your friends? Which is that them over there. And then you kind of show her that you're leading her toward her friends. Makes sense.

[Ryan]

Wow, that's. Yeah, that's super interesting. I would have never thought about that, actually.

[Connell Baritz]

Why? No, it's okay. But why? Let me guess. Oh, that's. That's too. Try hard or creepy or what?

[Ryan]

Creepy. Yeah. Is the thing I. I feel like I want to give the, like, woman a way out is like, this is always kind of on my mind. Like, when I. Even when I, like, approach women on the street and stuff, I'm like, if I'm approaching, like, I actually feel a little bit better if I approach a girl and there's at least some other people around because there's at least some semblance of, like, safety there. There's like, this is at least, like, my own logic. I'm like, you know, if it's on a night, like on a side street by herself, then, you know, she's going to be thinking, like, what, is there a safety concern? This is a different situation, like in the bar. But, you know, I'm like, oh, am I walking with her? She's like, oh, how do I get rid of this guy? You know, like, how do I not drag him along? You know, I'm like, if she wants.

[Connell Baritz]

To get rid of you, she'll say, it was nice meeting you, I'm fine. In which case, okay.

[Ryan]

Yeah, yeah.

[Connell Baritz]

And then. All right, cool. Have a great night. All good. Remember that Girl who rejected me, made out with me an hour later. Okay.

[Ryan]

Yeah.

[Connell Baritz]

Did she think I was a creep? Not a. Not too much of a creep. Where she didn't want to kiss me on the dance floor. So even if she does say, hey, I'm good, thanks, anyway, she'll say, I'm good, thanks anyway. And then that's her nice, polite way of saying, no, thanks, dude. And you'll take that as a gentleman. You are, because you have empathy and compassion. So that'd be fine. But we don't know because you didn't try. That's okay. I'm not yelling at you. I'm saying you didn't try. From a very good place of not wanting to come off as creepy or try hard. But what if you came off as persistent and. And dominant and charming and. And exactly the kind of guy she's looking for?

[Ryan]

Yeah, that's a. That's a good way of putting it. She says, no, it's basically mine says, all right, have a good night. And then if I see her again, try, you know, see if I catch her in a better mood.

[Connell Baritz]

Yeah. She says, no. You're like, hey, all good. No. No worries. No worries. You're never going to learn my name because, you know, I can't. I went to CIA. I can't tell you my name now, but have a good night. Maybe crack a joke. She might come back an hour later and be like, hey, by, sorry I couldn't talk to you longer. I was in a hurry. Again, persistence plus charm. And by persistence, I just mean action mode. Good intentions. And then assert what you want with that girl until you and she get it in a way that you're both enjoying, or until you get clear evidence that she's not feeling it. Which is fine. Totally fine, too. So that's just our job as men. Especially in the wild. The wild west of a bar at night, on a weekend night, you know, crazy things can happen.

[Ryan]

Yeah, this. This whole thing is really, like, about, oh, she's in a bad. Like, it's. It's a really different way of looking. Like, I remember there's this. You know, because my brain is, like, super binary. It's like she either is in. You know, we talked about this last time, and this is obviously gonna. It's gonna. You know, I'm starting to work with it. And, um, it's. It's a process. Um, it's like, you know, she's attracted to me. She wants to have sex with me, or she doesn't. You know, and it's Like, I remember this time in college where there was this girl that, you know, one. One night she had kind of seemed interested, like, flirty. She asked me, like, she started asking me about, like, my dating history just, like, just seeming, like, super touchy. Just, like, seemed pretty interested. But then another night, like, you know, she was in a really bad mood, and I was kind of like, oh, hey, how's it going? And I don't think it had anything to do with me. And she was, like, really not wanting to talk, and I kind of was persisting a little bit, and I felt. But then I, you know, I felt terrible, and I apologized the next day, and she was a little, you know, nothing. And then she's like, yeah, you know, we were still friends after that. I didn't do anything, like, crazy. But I was persisting and not really picking up on the social cue because I had my own, like, story in my head about, you know, she. She's interested or, oh, she's not interested. And, you know, I think that's probably not good.

[Connell Baritz]

Right? You want to have. I'd rather. If you're going to tell yourself a story. Every woman either is or isn't interested in me, tell yourself everyone is interested until proven otherwise. At least that's a powering way to look at it. Why wouldn't she be? You're Ryan the Bold. Why wouldn't she be into you? If she isn't, that's okay. Of course, it's narcissistic to think that way. It's absurd. But it's way more empowering than I assume every woman's not into me.

[Ryan]

Yeah. Yeah, definitely.

[Connell Baritz]

The truth is somewhere in the middle. So let's hope for the best and act as if the best is going to happen. And then when she says, no, thanks, I'm all good, by the way, she gave you some. A couple big indicators. She stopped on her path of finding her girlfriends to talk to you for at least 20 seconds and showed you some good social indicators. Anyway, so my advice again would be. One of my old coaches used to say, use the. Use the power of Let's L E T apostrophe s. Let's. Let's go find your friends. Let's go on an adventure. Let's go find your friends. So nobody kidnaps you. You're in my care, basically, take her. Take her on a sort of a little instant date, in a sense. And most women love a guy like that, who does that, or at least they find it charming. And then who knows what might happen. Once you find the friends. But that might be enough to create a real sense of, Of a man of action who's having fun, who's showing her a fun time. And that's very attractive to women. And if she does find it, not if she isn't interested in it, then fine, you tried. Have a good night. Nice meeting you. And then there's nothing creepy about that. You're at a bar she went out to to socialize and meet people. Potentially. A guy like you.

[Ryan]

Yeah.

[Connell Baritz]

To me, it's way to, you know, it's, you know, it's way creepier than taking a shot. Taking some kind of positive, good intention action with a woman is wanting to and not doing it.

[Ryan]

Yeah.

[Connell Baritz]

It's just like staring passively and wishing you had. That's way creepier to women than being the man who's stepping up.

[Ryan]

Yeah. Or like looking for, like waiting for. Oh, she, you know. Oh, I'm not getting. I like, that's also probably creepier too.

[Connell Baritz]

Yeah.

[Ryan]

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. And I guess this is really where the state comes in too, because if you're pulling off really bold moves, like, you know, even that, like, I'm going to walk you back to your friends, like, you know, then once you meet him, you make jokes, you introduce yourself, like all those things, like, that's probably where warming up come. I mean, you have to be in a pretty good state or. Yeah. I mean, sometimes. Is this, Is this something that I can like, put into play the next time I go out? Because I'm so anxious and so worried and like, sometimes I'm not in the best state and, you know, I want to start opening often and seeing if I can get my state better. But what happens if I just feel like, oh, man, I just am not confident, like, I'm in a bad state. And I'm like, well, that's how you're.

[Connell Baritz]

Gonna start the night. Pre. Accept that.

[Ryan]

Yeah.

[Connell Baritz]

You're gonna start that way probably. Especially if you're not a big drinker. Like, I'm totally sober. But if you don't drink or if you don't drink much, you'll probably start the night without a whole lot of momentum. And what you do is you just remember, I said start. There's no reason you should remember this. You want to start the night following the steps. But start short and sweet. Five, ten second little opens. Oh, hey, excuse me, miss. That's a really great tattoo. Love it. And then you can immediately bounce. You don't even need to stand there for longer than five seconds. If she gives you a giant smile, you might want to keep talking or keep standing there. But I, I think of the first kind of round talking to people. Just short, sweet little opens. Little. I like to play a game called I dig with my clients, which is let's just go around the room telling a few women what we dig about them or something about them that we dig what we like. Cool tattoo, cool glasses. I remember I was with my client, then client Jason in San Diego, doing a road trip approach weekend with him in San Diego. And we did this first we're at this really cool bi level bar in San Diego, or you know, a double decker double level bar. And we're upstairs and we're just kind of making the rounds of like doing three or four quick little. I dig, I dig this, I dig that. And I remember Jason saw this really cute girl with really kind of cute, cool like nerdy glasses. Like, I'm gonna, I'm gonna age myself here, date myself here. But Lisa Loeb had a big hit song 25 years ago called Stay. And there's this girl with these Lisa Loeb glasses that Jason noticed. He's like, hey, those are really cute glasses. I like your glasses. She lit up and smiled. So we make a little round, just starting off on the five steps. Fifteen minutes. We've only been there for 20 minutes. And then as we're about to head downstairs, this girl with the glasses and her cute friend came up to us and said, hey, we're going downstairs. Do you want to come have a drink with us? And all of a sudden, we're basically on a double date. And all we did was start off short and sweet with quick little 5 second opens. Just breaking the ice. But what we're really doing, even though we're breaking the ice with women at the start of the night, you're really breaking the ice inside of you so that you can loosen up, get into that Ryan, the bold state. So don't worry at the beginning of the night, you're gonna feel like insecure. Ryan. Probably at least to start. It's okay. That's a, that's just your brain with you looking around the room. Because when you walk into a venue at night, you look around the room and your brain does something really kind of, kind of messed up. It looks around the room and says, do I have value here? Am I safe? Am I someone important? Can I feel significant and safe and certain? And your brain might not give you the answer you want, so you gotta prove to your brain that you're Safe. You're fine. You're good. Some people are gonna like you. Some people probably won't, or at least will be neutral to you. That's fine, too. But basically, the reason why we follow the steps is to teach your brain, hey, I'm awesome. Lots of people are gonna enjoy talking to me, and some who don't. That's fine. That doesn't hurt that bad either.

[Ryan]

Yeah, yeah, it's.

[Connell Baritz]

Yeah.

[Ryan]

That's a very different way of looking at it than I'm. Than I've been doing in the past.

[Connell Baritz]

So another thought I have for you, and we'll wrap up here in about two minutes. I want to give you a chance to have one last question before we wrap up. So think of something good. But I want to give you another tip that I think is going to be really valuable because I'm hearing a lot of. When you go out at night, I'm hearing a lot of very safe, like, safe approaches. Like, okay, you'll. You'll approach. You'll do something if it's safe. And what. I want you to turn yourself. I want to turn this idea on for you. This idea that what you think is safe is really risky, and what you think is risky is actually really safe. It's a paradox of approaching. I talk about this in my book. I got this concept from one of my old coaches, a guy named Owen Cook, who's probably approached more women than there are women on the earth. He used to say, what's risky is safe, and what's safe is risky. Here's what he was getting at. Here's what I've seen. You think it's safe to not make the bold move, or you think it's safe to not come off as creepy. But by being safe, you're going to be more timid. You're going to let girls go, you're going to be overly cautious, and you're going to lose out on some really great opportunities. However, by. By doing what feels risky, by approaching five women who are in the middle of a conversation and walking right up to them and trying to command all of them, or by walking with that woman who is on her way to meet her friends and leading her to her friends, that. That's going to feel risky in the moment, but it's actually very smart and safe, because it's those kinds of risks and chances and courage that women notice and signal to them. This is a man of value that I should seriously consider because I want a man in my life. I don't want a timid boy. So it might feel safe to not lead that girl to her friends, but it's actually very risky because you, you risk losing her like you did that night. And it might feel risky to walk up to that stunner who's talking to three other people and you just walk right up. It might feel, it might feel petrifying and I know how that feels. But that is going to get her attention and it give you, it's a very safe, smart thing to do if you want a real shot with her because she's going to notice that. So Owen used to use this analogy. He was like, imagine you're flying a plane. You're a pilot. It's your first day flying planes for the airline and you're scared shitless. It might seem logical and safe to fly nice and low to the ground, but guess what, that's where the mountains and the buildings are not safe. However, if you pull back on the throttle and zoom up to 30,000ft. Feet. God, that's scary up there. It's scary to go that high. Right, but that's actually, that's where you can safely fly the plane nice and high. I just, I never forgot that analogy. So whenever I go out with clients to approach, I'm like, let's do some risky things or things that feel risky. In fact, you're not being risky. You're actually being really safe and smart. The riskiest thing you can do is timid, half hearted, safe approaches because you risk never having a good result. That's no fun.

[Ryan]

Yeah, it's a really interesting analogy. It's more, gives you more permission to have fun too. It's more fun flying a plane, you know, 10,000 or 20,000ft.

[Connell Baritz]

Yeah, I was with my client Nick. Here we are talking right at the new year has begun and I was thinking back to some of my favorite moments in the field with my clients. Can I tell you a really quick story that I think, think will be absolutely helpful to you?

[Ryan]

Yeah, yeah, of course.

[Connell Baritz]

A few months ago, I'm with my client Nick here at a cool lounge in New York City. And like you, Nick was way too focused on indicators of interest. He was constantly looking for all those so called indicators. So Nick is talking to a really cute young woman and a little mini skin skirt. She's Southeast Asian ethnicity, stylish. She seemed really cool. I didn't actually meet her, but I'm standing five feet away so I can see her and him talking. She's a beautiful young girl, young woman. Anyway, Nick is talking to her for 10 minutes, I'm literally. I can't hear what they're saying, but I can see her smiling. I can see she touches him a few times. I'm writing notes in my phone saying, little cutie in screen skirt loves him. So I'm gonna give him some notes later. Anyway, so their conversation ends, and all of a sudden, the little. The little group of five or six people that included her and Nick kind of. It. It ended, and the conversation ended. And this girl starts walking away. She was in a red skirt, red mini skirt. She starts walking away, and Nick comes back to me, and I said, what happened? What do you got? You got her number, right? He said, oh, no, no, she wasn't into me. I said, what? What are you talking about? He said, oh, no. I could tell she wasn't into me. And I'm like, no, she definitely was. He's like, oh, well, you know, she wasn't. She. You know, she talked to the other guy for a second, and she wasn't, like, twirling her hair. And I'm like, oh, Jesus Christ. Okay, here's what you're gonna do. By the way, this. This brunette with the. The red miniskirt, at this point, she's now 50 yards away. She's walking away. She's in a different part of the bar. So I said, here's what you're going to do. You are going to literally right now, go chase her down, and you're going to approach her, and you're going to say this. Hey, I should have asked for your number, but now I am because I want to take you out. What's your number? And he had to chase her down to do this, and he didn't want to, but it was my wingman weekend, which is every guy has to do what I tell him or else. Or else I put him in a headlock, basically. Anyway, so Nick, with me literally behind him, saying, go do it now. Do it now. He. He walked after her, actually jogged after her, tapped her on the shoulder. It was a very awkward approach. It would not have been anything I would have taught. As in, like, this is the right way to do it. In other words, it felt really risky and awkward to him. So he taps her on the shoulder, she turns around, and he says the thing. Basically, hey, I should have asked you for your number in there, but I wimped out, but here I am. I want to take you out. And I could see her face light up. She smiled, and she put her hand out and said, give me your phone. And he Got her number and she put it in his phone. So he was way too caught. So the lesson here is don't over read for indicators of interest. If a cute girl is talking to you, you assume she likes you and assume the best instead of trying to avoid the worst. And the other lesson, the reason why I wanted to share this with you is because it. It felt risky and scary for him to ask for that number. He was playing it safe by. By telling himself he wasn't getting the indicators, he was playing it safe, but he risked losing the cutest girl in the bar who was super into him by then turning around and doing the scary thing, doing the, quote, risky thing. That was actually the safe and smart move to do because she loved that he stepped up and finally went for it.

[Ryan]

Yeah.

[Connell Baritz]

So I'm not saying I don't want you to have to chase 50 yards after a girl. I'd rather you just step up and do it. But that was one of my favorite moments from last year of me with my clients, just because it was a great moment where Nick said, you know what? It's time to start doing what's. What's scary, what's. What feels scary and risky. And the bottom line is what feels scary and risky is actually the safe, smart thing to do. So start taking some risks or take things that take. Take actions that feel like risks because actually you're doing the smart, safe thing.

[Ryan]

Yeah. Yeah, that's. That's a good idea.

[Connell Baritz]

Okay, two minutes left. Last question that I can answer in about two minutes. Fire away.

[Ryan]

Yeah, I want to. Let's say you're talking to a girl and you think the things are. Or I mean, so we already talked back to that, like to that two set situation where I'm talking to those, well, official game lingo, those, those two girls. And like, if, you know, I'm talking, I start flirting with her in front of her friend. It's all going well. Determining something that I have trouble with is determining, like, you know, like, she's interested, like, the girl's flirting with me, like, but her friends there, like, do I ask her a number? Do I try to take her home? Like, how can I figure that out? I have another, like, more concrete situation, if that helps. But I think this is pretty, like, you know, repeated type stuff that will happen.

[Connell Baritz]

So your question is you're talking to a cute girl at a bar and then what do you do?

[Ryan]

Yeah, if she's with friends, like, basically figuring out, can I take like, you know, like their friends want to leave her Friends are going to another bar.

[Connell Baritz]

How long did you talk to her?

[Ryan]

Let's say it's like, usually when I have this thought, it's been like at least five minutes.

[Connell Baritz]

Okay, well, remember.

[Ryan]

Yeah.

[Connell Baritz]

Remember, step four, go for the close, bare minimum. What is step four? What does that mean? Go for the close. What's the bare minimum?

[Ryan]

It's at least a number, right? Exactly. Yeah, yeah.

[Connell Baritz]

So every. Here's a. Okay, here's one of your marching orders going forward. Every time you are talking to a woman you find attractive and you hit the two minute mark, take your phone out and say, hey, let me get your number. We have to stay in touch. Or I want your number. Give me your number. A little smile. So positive, but also assertive. Okay, so at least, at the very least, you got her phone number. You can reconnect with her. You have a chance. You have a lead. Now don't stop talking to her after two minutes, but get the number that shows some of that man to woman intent that women want to see from a guy to show that he's stepping up. But so anyway, I would say going forward, two minutes. Definitely by five minutes. Take your phone out. Hey, what's your number? We have to stay in touch. But your question is beyond that. What do you do when she's with a group of friends?

[Ryan]

Yeah, like, can I. Is it logistically possible to, like, take her home that night?

[Connell Baritz]

Sure it is. You're just gonna have to hang out with her for a while. So this is a longer topic. It's hard for me to answer this in just 60 seconds, but here's like the CliffsNotes version. If you want to take a girl home with you, which is great, you're gonna have to talk, spend a lot of time with her. Reason. I mean, reasonable amount of time. So you're going to want to. One option you have is you essentially befriend the whole group. If she's with her girlfriends or her group, chances are she's not going to leave them and spend a couple hours with you. At least not until you have put in some time and effort. So if. Was this. Was this kind of early in the night? Was it in the middle of the night or was it late in the night?

[Ryan]

Middle of the night.

[Connell Baritz]

Okay, fair enough. So what I would have done, I would have suggested to you is, let's say I'm live coaching you in that moment. I would say, be. Well, first of all, did you meet the other friends? Did you meet everybody she's with?

[Ryan]

No, she was in a group of like four, like let's say five or six. And two of them were split off and I was talking to two.

[Connell Baritz]

Okay, did you talk to anybody else from her crew besides her, her and her friends?

[Ryan]

Yeah.

[Connell Baritz]

Okay, so you talk to some of the friends?

[Ryan]

Yeah.

[Connell Baritz]

Okay, great. Well, what you want to do is you did great, you did the right thing. You, you talk to her, but you also talk to the friends because you want to let her friends give you that social proof that's really valuable. Right. She's not going to leave with you to go somewhere else unless her friends know you and like you. So you're going to definitely want to hang with the friends. And ideally, you would essentially kind of merge your group with her group and again, be that leader. Be that leader, like I said, just like I told you to. Hey, lead, lead that girl who was walking by you to find her friends, become the group leader or at least take some charge here and do things like invite the invite. Maybe invite your girl on an instant date. If you get to know her friends a little bit and the friends know and like you, you might say, hey, you know what? Jenny and I are going to go grab a drink. Would you like that, Jenny? Shall we go to the bar, kind of take her on a little instant date? And if the friends have met you, they'll probably, probably be okay with that because her friends want her to meet up and hook up with a cool guy like you. That's one option. Or you could just stay with that group and essentially kind of enter their party. But as long as you're bringing that value, you're bringing that fun, intelligent, funny, Ryan the bold self, you'll be adding more value. You're not going to be bothering them, you're going to be with them, hopefully. And then at the end of the night, some of her friends might peel off, get tired, do their own thing. And as the night winds down, then you can kind of screen the girl you like to see if she and you want to go somewhere privately together. Now that first place you're going to go probably isn't her apartment or your apartment. It's probably going to be another venue. So you'd want to go somewhere else together, but basically invite her out on a date that night, an instant date. But before you do that, you're gonna have to get her friends to know you and meet you and like you at least a little bit, because they're gonna basically need to sign off on you. Make sense?

[Ryan]

Yeah. Yeah, that totally makes sense.

[Connell Baritz]

Here's a one final Quick story to illustrate this. I was in Vegas at a club called Excess many, many years ago. And I met this big group of women. Five, six, seven of them. You know, girls go to Vegas in big groups. And I really clicked and hit it off with this woman named Sarah. And unbeknownst to me, she basically had a boyfriend in back. Where? In San Francisco where she lived at the time. But she was in Vegas, and I never asked about the boyfriend, so that's good that I didn't ask. But anyway, I met her whole friend group. I met Sarah, and I met a couple other people she was with. And I talked to all of them. I was friendly with them, but I was flirty with Sarah, flirtier with Sarah. And actually, Sarah's really good friend, I forget her name. It's been many years. Let's call her Emily. Sarah's really good friend Emily. She and I really hit it off, just in a friendly way. And so Emily actually said to me, by the way, we really like you. Sarah's guy back home, he's such a dick. We're rooting for you tonight, so let me know if we can help you.

[Ryan]

Oh, wow.

[Connell Baritz]

So Emily actually is playing matchmaker and making it easy for Sarah and I to have an instant date, which we did. We had an instant date. Nothing happened. We didn't hook up or anything, but clearly Sarah liked me. You know, she had a boyfriend or a guy back home, and nothing happened, but I could tell she liked me. And it was just. It was a great example of. Of what to do. To answer your question, which is try to befriend the whole group. Be genuine, be authentic, don't supplicate, but be good company. And then if they get to know you and like you, they'll probably sign off on you and her friend having something happen. Because a woman's girlfriends want her to be with a cool guy like you. You're not doing anything wrong. In fact, you're. You're. They're out. They're probably out to meet a guy just like you. So why not be that guy?

[Ryan]

Yeah, okay, that's.

[Connell Baritz]

But it starts. First things first. Get the phone number. At least get yourself a number and a lead so you could follow up. And then be good company. Lead them socially, and who knows, as the night winds down, read the dynamics of the situation. Find out, you know, where she lives, what they're all doing that night, if they have any other plans. And you might get some good logistics where you realize, oh, hey, the girl I like and I actually are Both free for the rest of the night. Invite her on an instant date, and if the friends know you and like you, they'll sign off on it, probably. And love can happen in the night. Yeah, it didn't happen for me that night in Vegas, but. But it still was really fun. It was. It was a really fun night of learning and realizing how, wow, I can make a girl's female friend. Not only are women not cock blocks necessarily, sometimes they can become your wing women, which is great.

[Ryan]

Yeah. Yeah. That's the power of being like a positive, friendly, charismatic person. It makes sense.

[Connell Baritz]

Okay, here are your marching orders. Next night out, I want you to first check in with yourself before you go out. Remind yourself who Ryan the Bold is. You're bold, you have a great sense of humor. You're your emotionally intelligent. I think you said.

[Ryan]

Yeah.

[Connell Baritz]

That core story about all the things you offer women, you want to stay in touch with that every single day, especially right before you go out at night. And then just, just remind yourself, no matter what happens tonight, I. I'm very worthy of pretty wonderful women. And just be in touch with that. This will take so much of the pressure off because you know that no matter what happens in terms of results, you're fricking awesome, dude. And then that's the mindset piece of it. And then when you go out to put the mechanics in place, just keep it really simple. Tonight, my only goal is to follow the five steps I'm going to open often. I'm going to offer value, be myself, try to make people's nights better. Step two, offer value. You see a cute girl you like, chat with her. Hit the two minute mark. Be a bit man to woman. Flirt a little bit, go for the number, keep chatting with her if it's going well. Step four, escalate things. Bare minimum. Phone number. Maybe, you know, set up a date, maybe even go for an instant date. And no matter how long that interaction lasts, after every approach. Step five, what was good about that? What did I do that was positive? What can I feel good about? What lesson did I learn? In other words, no self judgment. Okay. When you're in the field, at least no harsh self judgment. We can save the self judgment for our conversations and our coaching sessions. I'll judge you. Don't. I'll judge you. Don't judge yourself. And if you follow these five steps, you're going to notice Ryan the Bold. Get into that flow state, and that's going to make approaching so much easier. It's going to be natural. You're going to be in the zone, and that's going to be that higher self that Ryan the Bold starts to come out, and that's when the magic will happen. Um, but anyway, just keep it simple, very process based, and along the way, just kind of notice those little moments of, of, of a risk you want to take and remind yourself, hey, wait a minute. Connell said risky is safe, and safe is risky. So go take those risks, and you're going to see some great things happen. Because Ryan the Bold is very attractive to lots and lots.

[Ryan]

Ra.