← How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett
How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett
Unlock the 3 S’s for Unshakable Confidence—and Attract the Women You Want!
00:36:15
There’s a big dating mistake you’re making—and you don’t even realize it. Most men obsess over tactics (what to say, how to text) instead of building the real foundation for success: a bulletproof mindset. In this episode, dating coach and bestselling...
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Connell Barrett
You have a panic attack in the men's room stall. That's not butterflies, that's vampire bats. And that's why it was really hard for me to approach women. Welcome back to the how to get a girlfriend podcast. I am your host today, dating coach Connell Barrett. I am your podcast dating coach, helping you confidently meet, flirt with, date wonderful women and get a great girlfriend all by being authentic. No sketchy pickup artist moves needed. This is about dating with authenticity. What I call radical authenticity. Because women like you for you. That's you at your most confident and your most authentically attractive self. Is that core you inside of you. And we are in the middle of a four part series about the 12 essentials of a great online dating profile that gets matches. This episode is a brief interlude like halftime of the Super Bowl. I'm actually going to take a one episode detour. I want to talk about a really important topic of why you may struggle with confidence around women or why you are down on dating, why you might hate the apps, why you might have approach anxiety. I want to talk with you about some of the mindset challenges you have that make dating no fun and that bring your confidence down. And I want to help you fix won't happen in this one episode, but I at least want to give you, I want to give you, I want to help you to see the matrix. Oh, this is why I struggle with confidence. Because once you understand why you struggle with confidence or struggle with dating, then you can fix it or begin to. And so today I'm going to get really nerdy on you. I'm going to go into full self improvement coach mode through the lens of dating, of course. But yeah, I'm going to go full on self improvement nerd. So I hope you like this episode. I'm not going to. It's not going to be 27 tactics to say the perfect thing. It's going to be about mindset because mindset is 80% of it. So really this episode is about helping you fix maybe the biggest mistake that men make in dating today. What's the biggest mistake that men make in dating? I think it might be this. So many men, maybe yourself, you're focused on what's the right thing to say, what's the right strategy, what are the right mechanics. And strategy and mechanics are important in dating, but they're not nearly as important as having a strong sense of self confidence and worth and feeling positive about who you are and feeling like your dating results are coming your way that you know, you believe, you know and you believe and feel that you bring a lot to the table. A lot of women are going to like you. And also, you have a good, empowering belief about dating. And so big mistake men make is, what are the tactics? What are the strategies? And if you focus on tactics and strategies and don't focus on a core sense of self confidence, what I call a story, then you struggle. You struggle. And I could teach you the world's best opening lines. I can teach you the best things to say when you walk up to a woman and approach or when you go on a date. But if that woman is talking to you and you're nervous and shaking and anxious and in your head, none of those lines, none of those tips are going to work all that well, because your story, your sense of worth and confidence isn't handled. So let's talk about how to fix this and get this handled. Today, I want to talk to you about what I call the three S's. What are the three S's? Well, these are the three most important pieces that you need to have in place if you want to get an incredible girlfriend, if you want to find love, if you want to get lots of dates and find that wonderful relationship. It takes what I call the three S's. And I'm going to give you the three S's in order of importance, because basically, you're listening to this podcast, I assume, because you want something wonderful. You have an outcome you want. You want a girlfriend, you want love. Maybe you want to be a dad one day. Maybe you want to be a father, a dad, a husband. Bottom line is you want something wonderful. And so you have this incredible, powerful result, this outcome you're moving toward. And. And that's important to have in place and to make an incredible outcome happen. You want to have these three S's handled. Okay, so let's say, for example, let's say your ideal dating outcome is you say to me, connell, here's what I want. I want a beautiful, gorgeous girlfriend, five'ten brunette, intelligent, professional, looks like Gal Gadot, even dresses up like Wonder Woman for me for some fun, sexy role playing. She's flirty, she's feminine, she's got her own career, she's funny. I want great sex. I want my best friend. I want a woman like that in my life. And I say to you, boom, let's do it. Let's make that happen for you. So you start with this incredible outcome. And that's where motivation starts from. We begin with, hey, let's begin with the end in mind, what's the end game for you? And so then how do we get you your gal Gadot girlfriend or whatever your type is? Well, then what we want to do is make sure that you have the three S's handled in a healthy, awesome, empowering place. What are the three S's? Here they are. Here's how we're going to get you that girlfriend. Here are the three S's to attract your dream girlfriend. They go in this order. And by the way, this is order of importance. So we're going to start with the most important s. Number 1s is your story. Your story, the story you tell yourself about yourself and your worth and attractiveness to women. This is the core and most important story. Everything starts with a sense of self worth and confidence. This inner narrative has to have a positive, empowering story that you're telling yourself. First, about your worth to women and also about your story about dating in general, what you believe you deserve. Your story can be empowering and positive and awesome, or it can be neutral, kind of dodgy, or it can be really, really shitty. Which I'll tell you about what those are. So number one is your story. Number two is your state. Second, the second most important S is your state. You need to be in a good emotional state. You need to feel positive, hopefully in motion. You need to feel some momentum. And essentially you also want to get good rest, good sleep, good health, good fitness. Your emotional state needs to be in a pretty positive, empowering place. You ever had one of those days where, you know, you got four hours sleep instead of your full eight hours and you didn't eat well and you're just in a really shitty mood that hurts your state. Your state goes down, you fall into what I call the lower self. Lower self is that side of us who says, you know what, everybody's a jerk, the world's against me, that comes from a bad state. So we need to be in a really good state. Women want to be on a date with a guy who's feeling good, he's feeling positive, he's feeling himself. So let's call that state. That's the second most important S and the third most important S. And it's also the least important. And this is your strategy. This is dating strategy, the mechanics, the mechanical stuff, what to say, writing openers on the apps, how to flirt, how to approach, how to handle a woman when she doesn't write you back, all the mechanics. And so the huge mistake, the way that the world of content creators of so called dating Experts, they've actually failed you. They fail you because they talk so much about strategy, strategy, strategy. Here's what to say. Here's what your profile bio line could read. Here's how to get a girl chasing you. You can't get a girl chasing you with tactics and lines. Women only chase men who have a lot of value to bring to their romantic lives. But basically the world of dating, advice, content, and I'm guilty of this too, at times they get so focused on strategy, the mechanics, the how to, they ignore number one story, number two, state. Now why am I hammering on about this? Well, it's a huge mistake because even the best, most well meaning coaches or experts in this area make this mistake. They start with strategy. They say, here are the tips. Say this, walk up with this kind of eye contact, tease her, nag her, if it's an old school toxic pickup type dude, all the tactical things, but. And some of these tactics and techniques are good. Some of them are trash, some of them are neutral. But if you don't have a really good story and if you aren't in a really good state, then the best strategy in the world isn't going to help you. You probably won't even take action if your story and state suck. And if you did go take action, if you did go on a date, approach a woman, then you're going to be so nervous in your head, insecure, that you're not even going to be able to project that confidence that women are attracted to. Here's a quick story from my dating past. The very first night I ever went out to approach women, it was July 8, 2009 and I'm 38 years old and I said, I'm finally going to do it. I have been dealing with approach anxiety, feeling frozen, insecure, not wanting to be a creep, not wanting to bother women, feeling not enough. 38 years of feeling that way and I finally said enough. I'm going to go out and approach women. So I hired this coach, we went out on the town, rooftop bar in Manhattan. This story opens my book, by the way. If you want to read the whole story in detail, just, just email me connellatingtransformation.com anyone who listens to this podcast, I will send you a free book. So just email me at that email connellatingatingtransformation.com and I'll send you a free copy of my book. You can read this whole story. So the CliffsNotes version is this 2009 July night. It's time to finally approach women. I'M finally going to do it. Finally going to do it. Hire a coach, pay him a few grand. And before we hit the rooftop bar at the Gansevoort Hotel, rooftop bar in the meatpacking district here in Manhattan. I say, oh, excuse me, I just need to hit the restroom. I'll be right back. And I went into the men's room stall and I had a panic attack. I started hyperventilating. I started to get the dry heaves, started to peel puke into the toilet. I wasn't drinking, by the way. I was totally sober. And I thought, at the moment, I just thought, oh, I just. Butterflies, performance anxiety, nerves. It wasn't. I guess you call it social anxiety for sure. And. But no, it was a full on panic attack. It wasn't butterflies. When you have a panic attack in the men's dream stall, that's not butterflies. That's vampire bats. And that's why it was really hard for me to approach women. So I'm having this panic attack, and I now realize why. I didn't realize why then, but now I realize my story sucked. Because here was my story, that first s. My story up until roughly age 38 was, I'm just not what women want. I'm a nerdy, skinny, shy, ginger. I'm not some muscular alpha male. I'm a nerd. I'm a dork. Women just aren't into me. And the reason I'm hyperventilating and having this panic attack is because my story was telling me. Connell, you're about to find out what you're. If. If what you're most afraid of is true, that women just don't like you, that's what I thought was about to happen. And that's why I had that panic attack. So that's why that first S is so important. My first S was, you're not enough. Women don't like you. They like you as a friend, but you're too nice and shy and a nerd. Women don't want that. And that S is what kept me locked in dating prison for so long, that first S. And you need a really good strong first s. So my question for you right now is, what is the core story you tell yourself about you and your attractiveness to women? Is it a great story? Is it, I'm the shit, I'm successful, I'm funny, I'm a great guy, and hell yeah, I'm a great catch. Or is your story closer to what mine was? I'll bet it's closer to what mine Was at least if you're listening to this podcast, there's a good chance it's something closer to meh. I'm just not what most women are into. Not good looking enough. I don't know, maybe too short, not toned enough, not great looking, not rich enough. Basically, your story might have some version of I'm just not blank enough. And we want to fix that. We want to change that. Got to get that first S handled. That's the most important S. If you want to achieve something amazing in life, getting a great girlfriend or becoming a millionaire or building an incredible business, you gotta have these three S's handled. If you don't, all bets are off. And my first S sucked. My first S could have stand for suck, as in Connell, you suck. That's what I thought about myself. And that night I went out and I approached the first four, five, six girls. I was so nervous. I was in my head, I was not very much on. But basically about halfway through that night, I realized, hey, wait a minute, some women are pretty cool and friendly, some women aren't that into me. But I didn't explode when a girl rejected me. First girl I approached, she talked to me for about two minutes. She was drunk, she was wearing a cowboy hat. And she wasn't into me, but nor was she mean to me. She was just a chick at a bar talking to a random ginger. And she walked away and basically said, nice meeting you. You know, polite girl version of I'm not interested in dating you. But okay, we talked. And I remember in that moment feeling that's what I've been afraid of all these years. My story. Am I sure that my story is right? Because she was fine. I mean, she didn't want to date me, but I didn't feel like I was this worthless person. But that's what my story told me was about to happen. So you're the approach anxiety you feel is. If you feel it, it's probably coming from a story that says, I'm not good enough, women don't like me. Or the story might not be about you. Your identity story might be about the world. Your story might be women don't want them. Women don't want guys to approach them. It's creepy to approach. There's a story I'll bet you have in your mind. So many men. Tell me that, O'Connell. I want to approach women, but I don't want to be creepy. It's creepy to approach women. This guy on TikTok. These women on TikTok say Don't approach us, creep. Or the me too era has gotten you shoved in your head feeling like, well, I can't approach women. I don't want to do something, make them feel uncomfortable, do something wrong. So that first S has to be we want it to be empowering and positive. Some version of hell yeah, I'm enough for women. And another version of hell yeah, I'm to find a great girlfriend. And here's why. We want that first S to be really empowering and positive. You struggle with dating, right? Sure, you have a good job and cool friends, but you just aren't sure how to flirt. The apps don't work for you, and sometimes women put you in the friend zone. It's frustrating. Hey, I struggled with dating too. As an introvert and a total nerd. I. I didn't just live in the friend zone. I owned real estate there. But I escaped using the dating philosophy of Radical Authenticity, which I've used to help thousands of men in 17 countries find love. It's what I wrote about in my bestselling book, Dating Sucks, but yout Don't. And Radical Authenticity is why Psychology Today called me the best dating coach in America. And now I want to personally help you attract your dream girlfriend. So go to datingtransformation.com and book a free call with me. On our call, I'll tell you how my one on one coaching will help you find your dream girlfriend. And you'll be doing it by flirting with confidence and authenticity. No creepy pickup tricks needed. So go to datingtransformation.com, book a free call today and let my personalized coaching help you get a great girlfriend. Now let's talk about the second size. The second S is your state. What do I mean by your state? That just means how you feel, literally energetically, how you feel emotionally strong, well rested, kind of lit up. In the zone. Oh, in the zone. In the zone. That's a good phrase for it. Those moments in life when you feel in the zone, you're crushing it on the basketball court. You're in the gym and you got the music playing and you're seeing your pecs popping or you close the deal at work, you're just like, yeah, I was so in the zone today. That means you're in a really good state, good emotional state. You're focused on things that are positive and empowering. You're feeling hopeful, confident, competent. Also, you're going to feel competent. That brings a state, a good state to us. Basically just being rested, being present and Feeling good in your body and mind. Let's call that state. Kind of like being in the zone. And the nice thing about having a really good story is that good story you have creates a good state within reason or it helps. Anyway. So again, my old story up until late 2009 or mid-2009 was, was, you're not good enough, nerdy ginge women don't want you. And that, that crushed my state. So my. And by the way, when your state crashes, guess what? If you're watching on video right now on YouTube or on Spotify, check out the video. Shoulders slumping, your voice goes down, your state goes down, your voice, you sound like this. Hey, excuse me, miss. Oh, hi. I just wanted to come say hi to you. Hi. You're not, by the way, if you're in a bad state, you're not going to approach anybody. If you're in a bad state, you're probably not even taking any dating action. So there's a huge cost to a bad story. It leads to a bad state. It makes you slump your shoulders, it affects your voice, it makes you inactive, keeps you stuck in an inactive avoidance mode as opposed to an action mode. But a good state, you stand taller, you talk more loudly, you feel really authentically awesomely you. And you just, you seem lit up from the inside. Your voice is resonant, you have more of a genuine heart centered masculinity. And even if you're shy, guess what? Shy guys can be confident and outgoing. All it takes is a good story and a good state. And the third S is of course, again, strategy. And again, this is where we fail you. This is where dating experts fail you. And I suppose I'm guilty of this too because I probably do a lot of. Okay, what, what are the moves? What's going to get the clicks? What gets my SEO up? How do I get people listening to this podcast? What tends to sell is here's what to say, here's what you do, here's what to say, here's what to write, here's the strategy, here's the tactic. And I love tactics and strategies and techniques. They are valuable. But honestly, the techniques, it's 20% of the puzzle piece of getting you your dream girlfriend. 80% of it is story and state. 80% of your success is going to come from a great story. Because if you have a great story in a good state, then you're going to be out talking to women, taking some action, putting yourself out there, going on dates, approaching talking to women at parties, whatever it might Be taking some risks, taking some chances. So much of dating success is about, hey, I'm nervous, but I want to meet that woman. Or, oh, she's my crush, I want to ask her out. She might say no, but you know what? I got to use courage, I got to try. And then you take a chance. And if you're in a good state and have a good story, it's so much easier to become a risk taker. So back to that night that opened the anecdote that opens my book. I'm approaching women. I've talked to eight, nine, ten women. And then I met this incredible woman named Kelly, an aspiring actress, beautiful, blonde, blue eyes. She looked like Ali Larder from the TV show Heroes. Google Ally Larder if you want to know a my first ever approach success looked like. And we were hitting it off, we were talking, we were chatting. Then these three Wall street guys steal her away from me momentarily. And then with help from my coach at the time, I marched over courageously, somewhat confidently, and I basically took her back from them. And I said, hey, come here, you're with me. I want to talk to you. And that really turned her on. And these Wall street guys were just standing there, their beers in their hands, these investment wankers. And I took her back and I basically said, hey, I'm into you. Don't talk to Wall street guys. You're with me tonight. You're my girl. Tonight, basically is what I said. And she swooned. I never made a woman swoon in my life till that moment. And I never could have done that if I wasn't in a good state. I was in a good state. I was feeling better. And I was having a new story that was beginning to show up in my mind. And at the end of that night, Kelly and I, she came back to my apartment, we spent the night together. And I remember lying in bed looking at her as she slept, which, yes, a little creepy sounding, but I was just like, I can't believe there's a woman this beautiful and cool in my bed. I just walked up and approached her. All of a sudden, she's in my bed. The next day, oh, my God, I didn't know I could do this. And I remember thinking, wow, if this is true, what else might be true? Who am I? What am I capable of with women? If I can approach this gorgeous Kelly girl, not just approach her, but steal her away from these Wall street dudes, these cooler, better looking guys than me, these outgoing guys, I could take her away from them and bring her Home. Who am I? So my result, my success with Kelly began to change. That first s the story. My story started to change that weekend in July of 2009, and the story became something more like the new story. Something like, hey, maybe women like me, maybe some women like nerdy gingers. Maybe I'm pretty witty. Maybe I'm funny. And maybe I'm funny in a way that creates some sparks. Maybe I'm bolder and more attractive than I ever thought. In other words, I am enough. The story that I began to rewrite that night is I am enough. I am enough. That's the story you want. Your story needs to be some version of I'm enough. I have so much going for me. I'm attractive in different ways. I don't know if you're tall or handsome or rich, but you got to find the things that you offer instead of focusing on the things that you lack. That first story or that first s. We need an empowering, positive story, and that will help you get into a really good state. You'll be hopeful. You'll be optimistic. You'll be lit up. You'll get into the zone much faster. And then that third S. Let's not completely discount it. Strategy, flirting. What to say, how to say it. Here are the tips. Here are the moves. These things are important. So many guys say to me, connell, what do I say when I walk up to a woman? I say, how about, hi, my name is Sean. What's your name? I'm not saying that's a fancy strategy, but guess what? If he's in a. If he's got that first s feeling good. The story is, I'm an awesome guy. I approach girls because I'm confident. And if he's in a good state, then he can walk up to a woman. You, dear listener, you can walk up to a gorgeous woman. And if your story is. Is positive, empowering, and your state is solid, you can walk up and say, hey, what's up? I'm Ryan. I wanted to meet you. And you can create instant sparks with some women that way instantly. And there's no fancy strategy. All you're doing is walking up and putting an authentic card on the table. Hey, I just saw you, and I wanted to meet you. It wasn't about a year after Kelly, the next woman I dated, or at least the next story that comes to mind from approaching. I'm at a Barnes and Noble, and there's an absolute dynamite, beautiful woman. Her name is Lane. Lane. If you're out there, hi. And I Didn't know her name at the time. Just a cute girl looking at greeting cards at Barnes and Noble. And I was feeling in the zone. I was in a good state, and I had a much better story. My old story was, connell, you're not enough, and women don't want you to approach them. My new story became, connell, you're the shit to a lot of women, and a lot of women love guys like you to come chat them up. That was my story. I'm in a good state. I walk up to this pretty blonde, and I say, hey, I just saw you, and you're really cute. She lit up. Her face was like a billboard of brightness. She was so happy. She said, hi. Wow, you're cute too. Grinning ear to ear, we chatted for 15 or 20 minutes. I got her number. We're texting later that afternoon, and she texted me, and I quote, thank you for picking me up. Thank you for approaching and picking me up. That was a mindset shift there. Like, oh, wow. A lot of women like it when you approach them and, quote, try to pick them up. But what Lane really liked about me, I think, was that I was being really genuine, authentic myself. I wasn't using. I wasn't going crazy with the strategy. Not no fancy lines. I just said, hey, you're cute. I wanted to meet you. So, so many guys say, what do I say? What do I say? What do I say? It's overrated. What to say? What you say is overrated. It's not unimportant, but it's overrated. What's underrated is you have a story that makes you feel amazing about yourself, and you have a state that helps you broadcast how awesome you feel. You feel in the zone often. And that's what Lane was attracted to, I think. I didn't say anything fancy to her. I just said, hey, what's up? You're cute. She was like, hi, you're cute too. It just so happens her type is probably nerdy, witty, gingers. Great, I'll take it. So I could teach you. I can and will teach you every strategy I know on this podcast, and I already do this with my clients. What to say. I know all the moves. I know all the ninja dating, flirting moves. I invented some of them, and I have borrowed many from some of my better teachers. Bottom line, though, is that your strategy, your mechanics, they're the least important s. So if you're struggling with dating, if you want to approach, but you never do because you think it's because you don't know what to say. That's not true. You're not approaching because you're afraid that you'll find out you're not enough or you'll feel rejected or you'll feel like that creepy guy. And that's an issue coming from your story. So I want you to. For this episode anyway, I want you to think about. Here's your marching orders. Two or three little missions here. Ask yourself, what is the story I want to tell myself about me, What I love to feel and believe. What's your version of hell yeah, I'm enough for women? And give yourself five reasons why you are more than enough and attractive to a lot of quality women and come up with five specific reasons. That's how we start to shift the story. Your brain needs evidence. It can't just listen to me on a podcast saying, you're the best. Yay, go you. That's not going to get you there, probably. If it does, great, Email me, tell me how it did. But just me telling you, you're awesome. You got to find that. You got to dig that out from inside of. You got to give yourself proof. Not promises, but proof. Here's what you do. Write down five, maybe 10 specific reasons why you are an incredible choice for lots of women. Could be. And don't overthink this. Underthink it. Get specific. But get like micro specific. That's a way to come up with tons of reasons. I have a steady job. I have a good heart, I'm funny. Or I'm a good listener, I'm a good son, I'm a great single dad. I'm smart, I'm intelligent, I'm kind. Did you know kindness is the number one biggest thing women most want in a male partner? Kindness. The top four things, or top four or five things women want, according to a poll, a huge survey. Kindness, intelligence, supportiveness, confidence and education. Those are the top five things women want in a male partner, according to Clue, a health app. Top five things right there. I'll bet you don't have a lot of confidence, or at least not the level you want. But if you're intelligent and supportive and kind and well educated. Dude, you got the top four things women want. How's that for a story? You got the top four hits. You're like the Beatles in 1964. You got the top four or five songs on the Billboard charts. That's a great story. Hell yeah, I'm enough. Give yourself reasons why you're enough. Okay. And that second thing, Number two story. I'm sorry State. Tell yourself this every morning. Every day. In my book, I talk about the confidence kickoff every morning. You want to give yourself 15 to 30 minutes. At least 15, ideally 30 minutes of getting in touch with your worth and value to women. Reminding yourself how awesome you are every single morning. I need to do this as well. Not in dating anymore. I have a. My dream girlfriend. But in other areas. Some areas of life, other areas of growth. I need to remind myself of what I bring to this table in different areas. So I'm no different than you. I am cut from the same cloth as you, sir. We all are actually as people, as humans. So anyway, that second state. Sorry, that second S state, that's going to come largely from a great new story, a new and improved story. And then ritualize this every morning. Remind yourself of why you're a great choice for women. Get a good night's sleep, eat well, do the things that keep you feeling good. So that's your story. Sorry, that's your state. And the third S is strategy. Yes, absolutely. Make sure you, you know the basics of how to flirt, how to send openers on the apps, how to stay out of the friend zone on dates. All that important. How to part of dating is so important. But I'll tell you what, man, I could teach you all the ninja moves of flirting, what to say, how to do all those things. But if you're hands are shaking, you're so nervous on that date, if your voice is soft and quiet, if she can see the sweat on your forehead because you're so afraid that rejection means you're worthless, I could give you the world's best mechanics. And it's not going to help you, or at least not very much, right? So, yeah, these are the three S's and the big mistake that you are making. And it's not your fault. Dating advice. The industry has failed you. The big mistake is we focus so much on tactics, tactics, techniques, how to, how to, how to. Because that's what gets clicks. It's what gets clicks, but it's not what gets you chicks. Okay? You got to get. You got to get your story, your state, your strategy in a great place. So that's the episode today, the three S's. Your homework is give yourself a new story and start doing a morning confidence kickoff. And I lay this out in details in my book, dating sucks. But you don't. And if you want a free copy of it, I'll send it to you. Just shoot me an email. Conlatingtransformation.com I'll send you an instant e version but but if you want a audio version you can get my book wherever books are sold. Dating sucks but you don't. But I'll send you a freebie happily. Okay, that's the end of today's mindset. Interlude. In the next episode we're going to get back to part three of the four part series about the essentials of an online dating profile to get you lots and lots of matches. So we're going to get back to to the strategy next next episode but until then, work on your story. In other words, work on your confidence because that's the most important s of all. All right, thank you so much for listening. And don't forget your dream girlfriend, she is out there, bro. She really is and she's gonna love you just like mine loves me and I love her. But she's gonna have to meet the real authentic you. Until next time.