← How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett
How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett
“Will You Be My Boyfriend?” The 10 Green Lights that Trigger Instant Attraction in Wonderful Women
00:51:38
How do you make her want YOU to be her boyfriend? It’s simpler than you think. Just show her these 10 “green lights.” In this episode of “How to Get a Girlfriend,” dating coach and bestselling author Connell Barrett teaches you 10 attraction triggers...
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- [00:00]
Connell Barrett
Gives her the cake and the frosting. The frosting is the flirty playfulness. The cake is sincerity real. This is the real guy. And man, women like a cake. Welcome back to the how to Get a Girlfriend podcast. I'm your host, dating coach Connell Barrett. I'm here to help you flirt with confidence, get more dates, and attract a wonderful girlfriend into your life. And do it without weird, sketchy pickup moves. Authenticity, baby. Women want the real you. And today's a great episode. I'm really psyched for this. I want to give you 10 green lights that are going to help a lot more women see you as boyfriend material. Because here's what I know you want. You want a wonderful girlfriend, an incredible relationship, and not only do you want a great girlfriend, wouldn't it be a nice bonus if you had women saying to you, hey, I really want this to go somewhere? Or what would you say about becoming exclusive? Or as a couple? Women have said to me over the years, hey, do you want to be my boyfriend? I would like to just date you and only you. I want you to have that feeling, too. Okay? I want you to have that feeling, too. And today I'm going to give you 10 green lights to help you project that most authentic, attractive version of you so you can be that guy who women say, hey, I want to be your girlfriend. Let's. Let's take this somewhere and have it be a wonderful, gorgeous, cool, intelligent, stylish, successful, awesome woman. Because that's what you want, right? But there's some problems that stand in the way. You know, you probably have dates, first dates that don't go anywhere, or women don't want to see you for second dates, or you're not sure how to flirt, or you just don't know where to. You don't know how to put that boyfriend vibe out there and become. Project that side of you that women want to turn into their relationship. And that's what today is about. I want to help you do that. A couple episodes ago, I did 10 red flags. 10 red flags that push a woman away. So I hope you checked out that episode. If you haven't, please do. And now today I'm going to. We're going to talk about the opposite. 10 green lights that make women see you as a boyfriend. And here's. Here's what we want, or here's what I want you to know. Here's a little secret before I get into these 10 green lights. What makes a woman say, I want this guy as my boyfriend? Every woman has her own personalized blueprint for what her man is going to be like. And it's different for every woman a little bit, but there's some commonalities. Every woman, pretty much every woman, wants a guy who is confident in himself and who leads the dating dance. Every woman wants a guy who can flirt. Every woman wants to feel some good flirty vibes with a man. Every woman wants a guy who's ambitious, has passion for life, at least parts of life. And of course, every woman, in my opinion, pretty much every woman wants a guy who is uniquely authentic and can be his real self with her women. You know, you've seen reality shows, dating shows. I just want him to be real, lower, his walls, open up. That's basically a woman's way of saying I want authentic men who put their real selves out there. And they also want fun, fun, flirty dates. So today's episode, I'm going to give you 10 green lights that are going to help more women say to you, yes, you are the man for me. So here we go, let's get to it, let's dive in. Here is green light number one. Be radically authentic. Women can sense a fake guy a mile away. A guy who is, has an agenda, who's trying to be a fake alpha male who's using scripted planned lines. Authenticity is so attractive to women because when you are radically authentic, you are showing women, I'm going to tell you the truth. I'm a truthful, real man of integrity and that creates trust all. Also, when you are truly authentic, you become your most confident you. And women are craving a guy who is confident in himself because that's universally attractive. It's the ultimate green light to a woman. He's really confident in who he is and at the same time she needs to trust you because there's a lot of guys women can't trust, right? So here's an example of what I call radical authenticity. This is from the opening chapter of my book. Give you a quick CliffsNotes version of it. But this is from this opens my book, Dating sucks, but you don't. One night 16 years ago, I'm in New York City, I'm on a rooftop bar, approaching women for the first time in my life. I was really vibing with this really wonderful blue eyed actress named Kelly. And this wavy haired investment banker swooped in and he and his two investment wanker friends basically took her from me in a sense. Not took her from me, but, but kind of barged in and started chatting her up. Suddenly I felt invisible because I'm naturally introverted. I'm a shy, introverted dude. Naturally. And once upon a time, I would have just backed down and said, okay, well, I guess I'll let these Wall street dudes, this Wall street, wavy haired Wall street dude take my girl. But I had a coach with me that night, my very first ever coach, who was taking me out, helping me approach women just like I do right now with my clients. I go out and do these wingman weekends, and this is what my, my coach was doing with me. And he said, what do you want? I went to him. I went to him and I said, what do I do? These, these three guys are kind of interfering here. And she's talking to them, not me. He said, walk over there. And I want you to say them. I want you to say and do the most honest thing. What's the deepest, most honest thing you're thinking and feeling right now? Go over there and tell her that and do the thing. And so I marched back over there and I took her hand and I pulled her away from them gently but firmly. And I looked at her and I said, hey, you're with me tonight. You and I were hitting it off, and I don't like it that you're talking to some other guy, because I like you and I want to get to know you better. And this was a really bold thing for me to do at that time. I had never approached a woman before that night, let alone barged in and taken a woman by the hand and pulled her away from these other guys. But I had already clicked with her. We'd had a real connection. And I felt like, okay, what's the deepest thing I'm thinking and feeling? Just go with that. And I just laid it on the line really, really, really confidently, but also authentically and vulnerably. I made myself vulnerable to rejection. She could have easily said, get away from me. I don't want to be with you. I want to be with this Wall street guy. Get away, Ginger. But she didn't. It actually turned her on. She said to me, wow, you just took me away from those guys like you own me. And I said, I don't own you. I don't even know you that well, but I want to get to know you. You're pretty, you're smart, you're cool, and to me tonight, you're with me. And then she swooned a little bit and we kissed. And that night changed my life. So that's an example of me being really radically authentic. So what's the fix for you. Here's your action step. No, I'm not saying go barge into conversations and drag women away from guys. That is not the lesson here. Please don't do that. But I do want you to follow this philosophy. Here's your new philosophy. Adopt this on dates and when you approach and when you're texting women. The philosophy is what I'm thinking and feeling is what I'm saying and doing. I want you to filter your communication with a woman you're attracted to through this lens of what am I thinking and feeling right now? And say and do that thing, as long as that thing is G rated or at least PG rated, does be vulgar and don't channel some insecure version of you. But I want you to channel what I call a higher self. A more authentic, genuine, real version of you. Just what you're thinking and feeling is what you're saying and doing. And this will help you stop filtering things through the lens of what's the right perfect move to make. What's the perfect thing to say to a woman? What's the good game? Those are not helpful questions. I want you to filter things through the lens of what am I feeling? What's a deep, honest truth I'm feeling? And share that with her. Like, I shared Kelly, I said, kelly, I think you're awesome. I think you're sexy and cool, and I want to get to know you better. And I don't want you to be flirting with other guys. I want to be with you tonight. And she was like, okay. And we spent the night together, literally. She came over to my place. So there's your new philosophy. What I'm thinking and feeling is what I'm saying and doing. Bottom line here is this is going to free you to just express a more real self as opposed to filter it through the lens of what's the right thing to do for a result or how do I get her to like me? I don't want you to think that way. I want you to think, oh, man, what's the real me thinking and feeling right now and share that. And this is going to set you free. Okay, Green light number two that women want to see in their future boyfriend is be a man with a plan. Be a man with a plan. Especially on first dates. I want you to lead. Think of dating as a dance, and your job is to lead it. Our job as men is to lead that dance. So plan a great date. Make decisions. Be the one to choose what you're gonna do. I mean, run it by her. But you can say, hey, great, Friday night it is. I'll come up with a plan for us. Here's what we're gonna do. I'm thinking tapas at this wine bar Friday night, 7:30, you just show up and try to look as pretty as me. Sound good? Women love that kind of leadership. To this day, when I plan dates with my girlfriend, my now long term girlfriend, she just writes me and she says, oh, I love it when you plan. Makes me all swoony. And lots of women have said that to me in the past. So yeah, women love a man with a plan. I remember talk about, talk about boyfriend material. Talk about being the guy who women want as their boyfriend. I remember this. So I dated a woman named Lorraine for a while. I, this is way, way, way back when I was first working on my dating life. But I, one of the first things I did is I said, hey, I'm going to be a really good planner. Lorraine is a, is a very assertive, confident person. She's a doctor. She's not afraid to take the lead in most parts of life. But she told me on our second date, she said, I love what a great planner you are. I planned both of our first date, our first two date outs, first two dates out really well. And she said, I love what a great planner you are. It just, it just made her smile, made her happy and, and a few dates later, we were exclusive. She basically made it very clear that she wanted me to be her boyfriend. And I never forgot that lesson. So be that guy who plans and be a leader on the date as well. Lead the date to good places. Maybe you're on a first date and you can ask yourself, oh wait, this conversation is drifting off into a topic that's not helping the date. We're talking about politics or we're talking about the weather. Instead of getting to know each other. Lead the conversation to a good place, to a better place. Lead it back to you and her and how you connect as people or switch topics to something that's more conducive to connection or. Another tip I got from one of my old coaches is the power of let's, let's, let's, hey, let's do this. Let's, let's go have one more drink at another bar. Or let's go over here and go play darts. Or let's go out again. Let's, let's, let's be that guy. Be that man with a plan and let women know where you're leading them. So that's number two. Green light. Be a man with a plan. Women love a man who plans. Okay, green light number three is be passionate about something. Play up your passions in dating and you can do this. By the way, all these tips, all these green lights, these are for all facets of dating. This isn't just first dates or approaching. It's for dating apps as well. It's for texting. So playing up your passions is great. Let's switch to dating apps for a second. You definitely want a sense of passion to come out on your dating profile. So make sure one of your prompts talks about something you're passionate about. I took up piano recently. I took up piano and I'm now playing piano every day. I take lessons once a week. I'm only six months in, but I'm so passionate about it. It's fun. And I put a prompt on my online dating profile and all of a sudden I started getting all these matches. My prompt was, my prompt was something about New Year's resolutions. Like this year I want to get even better at piano and awaken my inner Elton John. I love it. Something like that. Something like that. And so many women messaged me, oh my God, that's so great. I've always wanted to play piano, take lessons. What songs can you play? It was a great icebreaker for the dating apps. So conveying your passions is really attractive to women. And because the thing is having a passion or having passions in life, it conveys a full, interesting life, a well rounded life, and that's magnetic to women. So maybe you're into music, maybe you're big into fitness, maybe you run marathons, maybe you have passion for movies, maybe you have passion for something dorky like I do. I used to be really into magic coin, magic sleight of hand, card tricks. I'll play that up on dates or I'll play that up on my profile. Bottom line is passion is contagious because part of what women are looking for, that blueprint of a boyfriend, she's thinking, who's a guy who. I can be a co star in his life. I can be part of his life. And women want to be a part of a man's life if that man has passion, things he's excited about. So it also, it also just gives you great things to talk about on dates. Okay, so yeah, make sure you have one prompt that highlights a passion or a hobby. You know, like on Hinge. I think one of the prompts is my favorite way to spend a weekend or my favorite Way to spend a lazy Sunday is. And then fill in that blank for whatever that is. Make it something you're passionate about. Doesn't have to be a cool thing. What's cool about it is that you're passionate about it. Okay, so here's your next action step. Here's your tip. Make. Write a prompt right now, today, before this day is over, put a new prompt on your profile on Hinge, Tinder, Bumble, whatever app you're on that plays up your passion. Make it specific. Don't. Just don't say, I'm passionate for eight things. Pick one thing and lean into it. You know what I'm passionate about. I love going to see improv comedy because there's something exciting about watching people make up jokes on the spot. Or maybe you're passionate about a new book you're reading or a hobby you have. It almost doesn't matter what. The thing is, what's magnetic and attractive to women is that you're a man who's living his passions because women want to be with a man who's passionate. Okay, here's green light number four. This kind of relates to number three. Green light number four is you want to talk about your future and your vision for your life in a compelling way, because that's going to excite her. Talk about your future. In a sense, I want you to be a visionary. I want you to focus on your future in a visionary way. Women love a man who has vision, who has direction, who has drive. He's going someplace. And by the way, if you are not currently working, doing your dream job, if you've not yet made your dreams come true, if you don't have a super visionary, exciting life, that's okay. What are your goals? Paint a picture of some ambition. I remember I had a date many, many years ago when I'm on this first date with a wonderful woman named Christine. And I remember I was telling her about what I wanted to do. And I hadn't done anything in my life at that point, but. But I told her what I wanted to do, what I was intending to do. I talked about how I wanted to. To work in, do. Do comedy writing. I wanted to write screenplays. I wanted to write for tv. I wanted to be David Letterman's head writer. I never did those things for lots of reasons that I won't go into now. But I remember she. Her eyes got big and she said, wow, you're so ambitious. That's so exciting. That drive, that direction, that vision was a turn on for her. And it was true. It was authentic. I wasn't bullshitting her. And so, yeah, so paint a picture of what you might do in the future on a date or in conversations with a woman. Maybe you just approached her just talking about each other's lives, or you're texting on an app and you're just talking about, you know, goals and plans for the future. Paint a picture. What's something that you want to achieve? And mention that to her. Say, oh, yeah, you know what I'm really excited about? Well, I'm currently looking for a new career change. And here's what I'm really excited about. Because once I achieve this new career change, oh, it's going to be amazing when I am launching my personal trainer business because I'll be able to transform people's bodies and their confidence. I'm going to open up five stores. Five, five gyms. It's going to be amazing. That's just a hypothetical. But yeah, talk about your future in an exciting way, because guess what? A woman is going to be buying into you as her boyfriend because she wants to hitch her wagon to a guy with a great future. So play up your great future. And if you don't have a great future, if you don't currently have a vision for a great future, then, dude, get on that boy. Get on that great future. Become a vision guy. My vision for my podcast, for my career. It's really simple. I want to be the real life Hitch. I want to be the number one dating coach in the world in terms of reach, results and reputation. In terms of helping men like you, in terms of, you know, I want to be on a reality show. I want to have a. I want to write a second best selling book that sells ten times as many copies as my first one. Yeah, I have a vision and you want to have a vision. Doesn't have to be Bob being a millionaire. Just a vision that paints a compelling picture. Okay, you struggle with dating, right? Sure, you have a good job and cool friends, but you just aren't sure how to flirt. The apps don't work for you, and sometimes women put you in the friend zone. It's frustrating. Hey, I struggled with dating too. As an introvert and a total nerd. I didn't just live in the friend zone. I owned real estate there. But I escaped using the dating philosophy of radical authenticity, which I've used to help thousands of men in 17 countries find love. It's what I wrote about in my best selling book, Dating Sucks, but yout don't and radical authenticity is why Psychology Today called me the best dating coach in America. And now I want to personally help you attract your dream girlfriend. So go to datingtransformation.com and book a free call with me. On our call, I'll tell you how my one on one coaching will help you find your dream girlfriend. And you'll be doing it by flirting with confidence and authenticity. No creepy pickup tricks needed. So go to datingtransformation.com, book a free call today, and let my personalized coaching help you get a great girlfriend. So green light number five, to make women want to be your girlfriend and ask you to be their boyfriend is on dates and also in conversations in person with women. I want you to think of. I want you to combine playfulness plus sincere. So think of, think of. A lot of guys say to me, well, what do I say to women? How do you talk to girls? That's a fair question. I get it. But rather than worrying about the syntax, the words, I want you to try to combine these two energies. Think playful plus sincere and vulnerable. Basically authentic. Let's say playful plus authentication. Playful, but real playfulness is the secret sauce of flirting. I believe that flirting at its essence starts with play. Play, baby. What's the famous quote from Hamlet? The play is the thing. No, I think the thing is the play. Women want to go on a date. Women want to feel good with a guy who's in touch with a sense of light, fun, playfulness. So playfulness is important, but we also need to combine that, complement that with sincerity, realness. So actually, instead of an example from my life, I'm going to play you a quick clip. Here's a clip from one of my guilty pleasure TV shows from the past. Used to love Californication. David Duchovny plays Hank Moody, a very, very magnetic to women guy. Pretty damaged dude on the show, pretty much a sex addict. A lot of problems Hank had. But there's some really cool moments of the show where we see Hank flirting with women and we see why women are so attracted to him beyond the fact that he's David Duchovny. So let me play this really quick clip from Californication. In this clip, you're going to listen to Hank talking to a woman he's been talking to. Nothing has happened yet. They're basically in that courtship phase of getting to know each other and they are at some, some sort of party or event. Here's a quick clip. Gosh, I'd love to fix you up sometime.
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Kelly
I appreciate that, but that's a fool's errand.
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Connell Barrett
Oh, really? Why is that?
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Kelly
That's my purgatory, really. Dinner, drinks, whatever. Never really all that interested. But I find myself telling her how beautiful she is anyway. Cause it's true. All women are, in one way or another. You know, there's always something about every damn one of you. There's a smile, a curve, a secret. You ladies really are the most amazing creatures. My life's work. But then there's the morning after the hangover and realization that I'm not quite as available as I thought I was the night before. And then she's gone, and I'm haunted by yet another road not taken.
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Connell Barrett
Wow. I'm impressed. You actually dropped the act for a moment and said something real.
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Kelly
Yes, I do that sometimes, but you never know when it's coming. You gotta stay on your toes. I'm like a boxer that bobs and weaves, like Muhammad Ali or Joe Frazier or Sugar Ray Leonard. Basically, I'm just listing boxers you might have heard.
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Connell Barrett
Okay. My favorite line from what he said is, when he's talking about women to this woman, he says, there's something about every last one of you. So he's being really sincere and real about how he feels about women. And he's also dropping a lot of his cheeky, cocky guard and being really real and sincere. And she actually says that she's really drawn to it. But of course, what makes that sincerity so powerful is that he's also being playful. He's Hank Moody. He cracks a lot of jokes, he has a lot of fun, but he's willing to drop that for stretches and just be really vulnerable and genuine with women. And this is a really powerful thing that you can bring to your date, especially first dates, when you get time to really sit there and. And seek to connect with women. So rather than asking yourself, what's the right thing to say? Ask yourself, how can I combine playfulness with sincerity? One of the ways I used to do it on dates is a woman would ask me a question, and I'm thinking, what's a dumb, funny, silly answer to it? And then I would follow up with the real answer. So, for example, oh, here's a good practical tip. You're going to get this a lot from women. You're going to get this question all the time. Here's the most common question. One of the most common questions women are going to ask you, what are you looking for? You're going to get that so often. Here's a good Answer for that. That combines playful plus authentic and sincere. I would say to a woman, oh, what am I looking for? Oh, I'm just looking for a really wonderful, bright, incredible woman who will marry me by tomorrow night at midnight so I can inherit a million dollars. Now that's just a stupid, dumb joke that I would make and made a lot of women laugh. And then I would follow up with the sincere answer. She'd go, oh, hahaha, very funny. I'm like, no, but well, if we don't get married by tomorrow night, really what I'm looking for. And then I would give her a more genuine answer. I would say, you know, I'm just looking for a girl with a great sense of humor and somebody who can. Who likes gingers and nerds. So I kind of give her a real answer. And combining playfulness plus sincerity is really powerful to women because it shows her that you're going to give her those good emotions that she wants on a date. She loves to play. She's not there to exchange logical information with you, she's there to play with you. But at the same time, she wants you to drop the first date, let's call it game, for lack of a better term, and be real and genuine. And I think that's a great thing to do. So on my first date with my now girlfriend Jessica, I remember the first hour of our date. We cracked jokes, we had a lot of fun banter back and forth, teasing each other. I playfully accused her of stalking me and she accused me of like being too old for her. You know, teased me about being a lot older than she is. And then we dropped a lot of that as the date went on. And then we opened up a bit about how close I was or am to my family at the time. I had three big sisters. One of my sisters passed away, but three big sisters at the time. And I remember telling her how close I am to my three sisters and she opened up about how close she is to her brother. She told a really powerful, sincere story about a traffic accident she was in with her brother once. Thank God neither were hurt. And I talked about some big life moments. And then back to play, back to flirty, back to fun. So giving a woman that playful plus sincere experience on a date, it's a great giant big green light because it gives her the, it gives her the cake and the frosting. The frosting is the flirty playfulness. The cake is sincerity real. This is the real guy. And man, women like a cake. Okay, green light number six. This Relates to the last one. Green light number six is flirt in a clear, charming way. Flirt in a clear, charming way. What does that mean? Let's keep it simple. Let's make sure that every first date you have or every woman you're talking to, who you are genuinely starting to like, I want you to use a clear statement of romantic interest. What that means is you're just using your words, clear, simple language to let her know what you like about her. So I want you to tell women on a first date or an approach or a texting situation, you could do it anytime you want, is I want you to say, tell her what you find. Use. Use one of these three words. Hey, you know what's sexy about you. Or if that's a little scary for you, you can say, you know what's really charming about you? That's a little safer but still flirty. Or you know what's really attractive about you? And then tell her what the truth is. Be authentic. Dig deep. What is it? What is sexy about her? What's charming about her? What is attractive about her? Is her feminine, girlish laugh charming to you? Is it really attractive to you? The way she, I don't know, cross looks up when she's thinking, is it really cute and charming? Tell her that. Is she really bold and brave in certain ways that you've learned because she's starting to open up about her life and you say, wow, you know what's really attractive about you? I love that you're into traveling solo, that you backpacked all over Austria last year by yourself. That's so brave and attractive. Bottom line is most guys don't say clear flirtatious statements or if they do, they settle for surface level things like you look nice or you look just like your pictures. That's a good place to start, but we want to go deeper. Hey, you know what's really sexy about you? I said this to my girlfriend now, my now girlfriend on our first date. I said, you know what's really sexy about you? You're so quick witted, you're so funny. I'm just trying to keep up with you. And then I said something genuine and real. I said, by the way, I'm usually the funny one on a date and I'm just trying to keep up with you. Then I could tell how that got to her in a sense where she appreciated the compliment and also appreciated the vulnerability. So use a clear statement of romantic interest. And that just means use your words. A lot of men struggle with, oh, well, what do I say just like I said, like, like that, that rule I gave you earlier, what I'm thinking and feeling is what I'm saying and doing. Don't worry about making it perfect, just make it clear to me. The first rule of flirting is clarity, clear communication. So tell her she's sexy, attractive or charming and then tell her specifically why. Why is she those things? And as long as that thing is not just about her body or her physical appearance, then you're giving her a real deep internal compliment. And man, that puts you in the top 1% of men. Most men are afraid to compliment or flirt, I should say. And the few who do just make it about her looks. You're not just gonna, you're not that, you're not that vulgar dude who's creeping on her just for her body. You're letting her know you see the inner beauty. So use those clear statements of romantic interest and tell her what's sexy, charming or attractive about her. That's going to keep you out of the friend zone. Or at least it's going to go a long way to keeping you out of that friend zone. Okay, green light number seven. To make her your girlfriend or to have her see you as boyfriend material number seven, ask her good questions. Ask her good questions. What are good questions to ask women early on? Basically, avoid purely logical informational questions or cliches, or at least if you find yourself saying them, get out of that rut. So beware of the basic cliches of what do you do, where'd you go to college? Or how long have you worked there? Avoid logical informational questions or at least only that kind. And look for more emotion based questions like passion. Right. We were talking about passion earlier. How I want you to convey some passions. Ask her questions that tee her up to talk about what she's passionate about. I love asking a woman, what do you love to do? What lights you up? What are you passionate about? What do you love to do more than anything in the world, I mean, besides talking to a handsome ginger with glasses. Wink, wink. So I love asking that question so you could layer in a little bit of flirtatiousness with these good questions you could ask her instead of how was your weekend? You could get, get more specific. Good question would be what was the, you know, how was your weekend? What was the best, most delicious thing you ate all weekend? Or what thing did you do that, what did you do last weekend? That major weekend? The best part, the best part of your weekend. Other good first date questions are I, I love you know, travel is a. Travel is a great topic, but beware of those cliched, boring ways to talk about travel, right? Do you like to travel? Everybody does. So instead of do you like to travel or where did you go last? Ask more aspirational questions like, okay, where should we go together? If we were going to go somewhere on a trip together, where would we go? You know, if we could time travel or not time travel, if we could teleport ourselves to anywhere in the world right now, where should we go? Now you're asking her a question about travel, but it's really about the two of you going somewhere together. Not literally, if it's a first date, you're still getting to know each other, but you're asking questions that go deeper, that are more fun, that are more compelling. Other couple, other quick first date questions that I like to ask. Well, one thing you can. Here's a little cheat sheet. Here's a good way to do it. Sometimes the best questions are just things that, you know, she cares about, just things that are relevant to her, things that matter to her. Those are great questions. So what you could do before the date, look at her profile. If it's an online date date, look at her profile and ask yourself, what does she care about? What does she care about in her life? What's. What matters to her? It might be things like, it'll be her hobbies, it might be her dog, it might be her, her family. Look at her profile and, and then ask questions about the things that she's interested in. So the question itself might not be super profound, but the fact that you're asking about something she cares about, she's going to be interested in your question because it's about her. I remember before my first date with my girlfriend Jess, my now girlfriend Jess, I looked at her profile and I'm like, okay, she's into theater, she's into dance. Great. I'm going to ask her about what she loves about dancing. What kind of dance moves is she, or what kind of dancing does she do that led to us on our first date. She, she took out her phone, I asked her about dance and she showed me all these fun, sexy videos of the dance videos. So she does, she's danced in music videos and danced in these cool, these cool quasi risque dance videos. And all of a sudden that's what we're doing on our first date. We're looking at videos of her doing these cool, sexy dance videos with, with all these that, that are really well produced. So that's a great example of just asking her a good question. It's not so much the quality of the questions, the, the syntax. It's about what does she care about? So ask her good questions about things she cares about. Avoid purely logical informational questions and you're going to be in a good place. Don't fast forward. This is not an ad. It's a free thing that's going to help you flirt with confidence. Because I'll bet that you struggle with what to say to women and how to flirt. Right? Well, let's fix that. I'm going to give you what I call the Flirty 30. These are 30 flirty questions to ask women on the apps or on dates or when you approach so that you can confidently connect with cool, sexy women. Starting today, it's time to stop running out of things to say and start asking them flirty questions that are going to make them want to date you. So to get your copy of the Flirty 30, it's totally free, just go to datingtransformation.com Flirty 30 and that's F L I R T Y 30 datingtransformation.com Flirty30. You're about to start confidently flirting with women, going on dates and soon getting a great girlfriend. Go get your flirty 30 green light number eight. Talk about your ex, but talk about her the right way. More specifically, if you're going to talk about a past relationship, make sure you talk about it through the lens of what you learned and how you grew. So you want to frame past relationships as learning experiences, not as things to feel bitter about. Some men, some men, you know, trash their exes, which is not good. Some men are just sort of, or just say, oh well, you know, it wasn't meant to be, blah, blah blah. That doesn't really add anything. Here's what women are looking for in a boyfriend. Women are looking for a guy who has learned and grown as a man and learn about the mistakes you learn or, and who are aware of some of the mistakes they've learned from the past. So again, an example from my life. I had a very short marriage. Basically my then girlfriend, my then long term girlfriend and I, we settled for each other. We, we got married when neither of us really wanted to. We both settled and it was over nine weeks later. And I brought that up on dates because women say, hey, what kind of past relationships have you had? How many have you had? And I'll often talk about my, my ex, quote unquote wife of nine weeks, really short Relationship. And you might be thinking, wait, should I talk about my ex? That's bad. Those are bad topics. I'm like, no, actually, it's not. As long as you talk about it through the. Through the lens of how you grew. So I'll say, yeah, we got married. It wasn't meant to be. We settled. And you know what? She ended it. I've said this to women on dates. I've said, yeah, she came to me and said, I think we made a mistake. Let's end this. And at the time, I felt like I was rejected and wronged, but now I'm so glad that she ended it. She was stronger than I was at the time. Thank God she ended it because we would have maybe had children or had to deal with property separation and child custody. Thank God she ended it. So, again, I'll keep it really real with women. And I can see how they pre. I've seen in the past how these women appreciate it. They're like, wow, this guy's really telling it like it is. I want a guy who's emotionally mature like this. And then I'll almost always say something like, yeah. And here's what I learned. I learned you can't get into a relationship unless, you know, blankety blank, whatever the lesson is. And that sends a great message, lets her know, wow, this guy has evolved. So if you're going to talk about your ex, keep it positive. Don't be bitter, or at least don't convey it. And if possible, talk about what you learned from that relationship. And one final tip about this topic is try to keep it pretty quick. Talking about exes. Don't spend 20 minutes on this. Spend 2, 3, 5 minutes max. A first date should most. Should. Should 90% be about you and her, not about past relationships? Okay, here is green light number nine. Green light number nine is share a personal story that conveys a flaw. In other words, be vulnerable. Or at least convey a story that is not you trying to impress her. Convey a story that makes you relatable, human. Yeah. Tell a story about a time you made a mistake, something you struggled with, a lesson you learned. Now keep it positive. Again, you don't want to be a big bummer on a date, but you could tell it could be a funny story. When I say vulnerability, here's what I mean. Doesn't have to be a big moment. So I suck at math. I am terrible at math. And in grade school, high school, I was failing math big time. So I tell a story on dates, or I have about the Time I faked back spasms to get out of a geometry test and how instead of taking me home, my parents took me to the hospital for a battery of tests and MRIs for back pain that I was making up. So it's a really funny story from my past that makes me look like an idiot then when I was younger, but because I'm laughing about it now, it actually is a very attractive thing to do. So I'm not trying to impress her. I'm trying to show what a dumbass I was in high school. So a story. Yeah, so consider some stories that, that show some vulnerability. What time did you screw something up? But you learned from it. I told. Who was I telling this recently? This wasn't a date, but I was telling somebody about this time I tripped and fell. Oh, it was on a. I was talking about rom coms on this podcast and I talked, I told the story to this woman about a time that I tripped and fell publicly and slid down this ramp of ice on a cold winter day and like slid down in front of like five women. It was like, it was my rom com movie moment where I look like a klutzy, A klutzy dunce. So it could be as simple as that. So share some story from your life that conveys vulnerability or self awareness, some kind of warts and all story. Especially if it's something you can laugh at, because that'll let her know, wow, this guy's not trying to impress me by showing how awesome he is, which actually can hurt a guy. You're actually being vulnerable and showing some flaws. That's number nine. And number ten, make her laugh. Make her laugh. Humor is one of the biggest turn ons for women, right? It makes them feel comfortable, makes them feel engaged. It lets her know, oh, wow, I could see myself with this guy. Because if I have this man in my life, it'll be a life of laughter, a life of fun. And if you're not funny or you don't think you're naturally funny, that's okay. You can learn to be funny. And by the way, I will do a whole episode about the art of humor and comedy and different ways to be funny on dates. But here are a couple quick, quick ways to be funny. Some quick little devices for you to test drive try on. One thing you can do is simple hyperbole. Just exaggeration, right? Probably the easiest way to exaggerate, add some humor into your conversation on a date or texting a woman or approaching is you just speak with hyperbole you exaggerate something she might say. Oh. So how many, how many hinge dates have you had this week? Oh, you're my 20th. Yeah, it's been a slow week. I've only had 20. Right, so you can exaggerate something. That's one way to do it. Another way to be funny on day. Actually, you know what? I'm gonna play another clip for you. Let me play a clip for you. I really like. It's Craig Ferguson. Craig Ferguson, comedian. He hosted a late night CBS show years ago that was on. He used to have all these women on, and there are YouTube channels devoted to Craig Ferguson. He was great at sexual innuendo and at flirting with women. And he was great at combining flirtatiousness with. With humor. So I'm going to play a clip here. I'm going to play a clip of Craig flirting with an actress named Kate Mara. I think that's how her name is pronounced. I'll play this audio clip right now, give it a listen, and I'll come back and talk about it.
- [46:02]
Hank Moody
Well, would you rather have both your arms or lose an arm and get a movie made about yourself?
- [46:06]
Kate Mara
Well, see, that's the question I always ask myself.
- [46:10]
Hank Moody
I ponder it as well.
- [46:12]
Kate Mara
Well, what would you prefer?
- [46:14]
Hank Moody
I prefer to have both my arms and have a movie made about myself.
- [46:19]
Kate Mara
But what's the movie going to be about? Some chick with two arms. Who cares about that?
- [46:24]
Hank Moody
It'll be about some ch. Chick with a snake cup.
- [46:28]
Kate Mara
Yeah, but that's not the type of movie you want people to see.
- [46:33]
Hank Moody
Or is it?
- [46:35]
Kate Mara
I don't know. I find it very difficult to talk to you.
- [46:39]
Hank Moody
Is it the shoulder?
- [46:40]
Kate Mara
No, it's not the shoulder. Well, the shoulder's part of it.
- [46:43]
Hank Moody
What's the other part?
- [46:45]
Kate Mara
All the other parts.
- [46:48]
Hank Moody
Blushing a little bit.
- [46:50]
Kate Mara
No, you're not.
- [46:52]
Hank Moody
Blushing on the side?
- [46:54]
Kate Mara
No, no, no, no, you're not.
- [46:57]
Hank Moody
How do you know I'm not?
- [46:59]
Kate Mara
Cause I know you and you don't blush.
- [47:01]
Connell Barrett
Easy.
- [47:03]
Kate Mara
You do that with your chin.
- [47:07]
Connell Barrett
So what did you notice about that clip? What I notice about it is how he uses sexual innuendo. He uses his voice in a way to be funny, to be silly, but also to flirt with Kate. And he's really good at exaggeration and he's good at making fun, connection, connecting things that don't usually go together. So I hope that Craig Ferguson clip helped you. What you should definitely do is you should go check out different YouTube channels where Craig Ferguson is flirting with women. He's really good at banter and banter is something that's a strength of mine, so. So you can use exaggeration and hyperbole. Sarcasm and irony are great options. My girlfriend Jess and I were very sarcastic, dry people. I use. Oh, here's another one. Self deprecating. Self deprecating. What's the right word for this? It's like self deprecating narcissism. Here's what I mean. I remember I was on a date once, and I said something like, a girl looked at my shirt and I said, hey, do you mind? My eyes are up here. Please don't objectify me. Treat me like a piece of meat. Which, of course, she wasn't. Which is. That's what made it funny. And then I leaned into it and I said, yeah, I mean, I know that. Look at me. Clearly I'm a supermodel. Clearly, I'm basically the hottest guy in New York City. But try to get to know me as a person. Okay? Now the reason that's funny is because I'm not a supermodel. I'm a seven at best. But because I'm using faux narcissism, like, let's call that sarcastic narcissism. Ironic narcissism. It's funny and it also shows a sense of self awareness. And it's flirty because I'm basically accusing her of objectifying me. I'm also. I'm also being funny and I'm. I'm just being playful. So I just invented that term, sarcastic narcissism. Yeah. Try that on for size. I do that a lot on dates. That's something you can consider. It's something really attractive about it because it's actually pretty vulnerable. I'm actually admitting that I'm not the hottest guy in the world physically. And by admitting it in a counterintuitive way, it's actually really compelling to women and something for you to try. Try on. I'll do a whole episode about different ways to be funny on dates. Okay, so that is today's episode. Those are your 10 green lights. Here's my call to action for you. Don't just use this podcast as a source of information and hopefully fun, interesting tips that make you go, oh, that was cool. Go out and practice them. Put them into practice. Because results. Finding that girlfriend. You got to do this. You got to take action. Can't just listen. Information is overrated. Action application, that is underrated. So go out there and apply this. Be authentic. Put at least some. Your mission is to take at least two of these 10 green lights and start applying them in real life. Go change your hinge profile. Put something about passion in there. If you don't have a thing you're passionate about, take up a new hobby. Take up. Get a take a cooking class. Read a classic book. Do something to have something passionate to talk about. If you don't have a future of your vision, a vision of your future, that's aspirational, that's ambitious, get on that. Come up with something and talk about that on your next date. Because all these things are attracted to women. Okay. That has been today's episode. Thank you so much for listening. And don't forget your dream girlfriend. She's out there and she is going to be so into you, but she's going to have to meet the real, authentic you. Till next time.