Women Love Nice, Nerdy Guys like YOU—If You Do 1 Important Thing (with Dating Coach Nick Notas)

Summary

Episode Summary: "Women Love Nice, Nerdy Guys like YOU—If You Do 1 Important Thing"

Podcast: How to Get a Girlfriend
Host: Connell Barrett
Guest: Nick Notice, World-Class Dating Coach
Release Date: April 3, 2025

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In this engaging and insightful episode of How to Get a Girlfriend, host Connell Barrett welcomes renowned dating coach Nick Notice to discuss the transformative power of authenticity in dating. Drawing from their personal experiences and extensive coaching backgrounds, Connell and Nick delve deep into strategies that help men build genuine connections with women without relying on manipulative pickup tactics. Here's a detailed breakdown of their conversation:

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1. Introduction to Nick Notice and His Journey

Connell begins by introducing Nick Notice, highlighting his 15 years of experience in dating coaching and his impactful reach of over 300,000 people monthly. Nick shares his personal struggles during his late teens, which catalyzed his journey into dating expertise.

[02:26] Nick Notice: "Everything kind of crumbled. My dad got really sick, my girlfriend dumped me, and my friends moved away. I spiraled into depression and sought solace in the pickup artist industry, which led me to realize the importance of authenticity over manipulative techniques."

Nick recounts how his initial foray into pickup artistry was fraught with insecurity and ineffective tactics. Recognizing the need for a more genuine approach, he pivoted to coaching methods rooted in confidence and honesty.

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2. The Importance of Authenticity in Dating

Both Connell and Nick emphasize the critical role of being one's authentic self in the dating arena. They argue that true confidence stems from embracing one's unique qualities rather than conforming to societal expectations.

[08:34] Connell Barrett: "It's amazing how many women like nerds. Especially nowadays, it's cooler to be a little quirky and lean into it."

Nick echoes this sentiment, advocating for men to engage in activities they genuinely enjoy, which naturally fosters connections without forced interactions.

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3. Building a Fulfilling Life as a Foundation for Dating Success

Connell and Nick discuss the philosophy that romantic success is a byproduct of leading a fulfilling life. Instead of fixating solely on finding a girlfriend, men are encouraged to pursue passions and hobbies that enrich their lives.

[14:08] Nick Notice: "Start with things you've enjoyed doing alone, like playing guitar or learning a language, and translate them into social pursuits. This not only improves your life but also creates opportunities to meet like-minded individuals."

This holistic approach ensures that men develop self-esteem and social skills organically, making interactions with potential partners more meaningful and less pressured.

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4. Practical Activities to Enrich Life and Meet Women

Nick provides actionable advice on engaging in activities that not only bring personal fulfillment but also increase the chances of meeting women organically. Examples include:

• Improv and Dance Classes: Encourages spontaneity and authentic interactions.
• Cooking Classes: Promotes creativity and offers natural conversation starters.
• Hiking or Run Clubs: Facilitates bonding over shared interests.
• Photography Workshops: Combines creativity with opportunity to meet others.

[16:51] Nick Notice: "Activities like dance or improv not only enrich your life but also provide a platform to socialize naturally, making it easier to connect with others."

Connell adds that these pursuits create "guaranteed wins," as they contribute to personal growth regardless of romantic outcomes.

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5. The Role of Environment and Context in Successful Dating

A significant portion of the discussion focuses on the importance of context in forming connections. Connell and Nick argue that meeting women in environments where both parties share common interests leads to more meaningful interactions.

[21:09] Connell Barrett: "When you're at a cooking class or an improv event, there's built-in rapport. You're already there for a common purpose, which makes starting a conversation much easier."

Nick reinforces this by highlighting that low-pressure social interactions in shared settings reduce defenses and increase the likelihood of genuine connections.

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6. Dating Apps vs. In-Person Interactions

Connell and Nick explore the effectiveness of dating apps compared to in-person meeting strategies. While acknowledging that online dating can be a useful supplemental avenue, they emphasize the superior quality of connections formed face-to-face.

[30:16] Connell Barrett: "I'm pro dating apps, but I don't want any guy to feel like he's stuck in the ghetto of dating apps."

Nick advises that while dating apps can yield success, they often require substantial effort in presenting oneself effectively. Conversely, in-person interactions offer immediate rapport and deeper connections.

[32:17] Nick Notice: "Once you overcome online dating barriers, meeting in person allows for more nuanced connections that photos alone can't capture."

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7. Overcoming Physical Insecurities: The Case of Height

A pivotal segment addresses common insecurities, particularly concerning height. Connell and Nick debunk the myth that height is a primary determinant of romantic success, emphasizing confidence and personality over physical stature.

[43:55] Connell Barrett: "Height is a nice bonus for many women, but it's not a requirement. A guy of any height can make a woman feel safe and appreciated through his actions and personality."

Nick expands on this by discussing the "contrast principle," where exceeding expectations in personality traits can offset perceived physical shortcomings.

[36:57] Nick Notice: "A short guy with a big personality can be far more attractive than a taller guy who relies solely on his height. It's about how you make her feel, not just how you look."

Both agree that self-doubt and insecurity, stemming from societal pressures, are detrimental to dating success. They advocate for building self-confidence as the true key to overcoming these barriers.

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8. Leveraging Old School and Modern Dating Techniques

The conversation touches on effective dating strategies, balancing traditional techniques with modern approaches grounded in authenticity.

Connell shares his appreciation for the old-school "push-pull" technique when executed with genuine intent.

[49:39] Connell Barrett: "I'm still a fan of the old-school push-pull — a tease combined with an authentic compliment can create a playful and genuine interaction."

Nick emphasizes the importance of intention behind any technique, advocating for methods that foster mutual joy and closeness rather than manipulation.

[50:35] Nick Notice: "If your intention is to share joy and be playful together, techniques like push-pull can be effective and genuine."

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9. Reality Show Concept and Educational Value

Connell and Nick brainstorm a concept for a dating reality show that aligns with their coaching principles. Nick suggests a format focused on open discourse and understanding between genders, fostering vulnerability and empathy.

[53:34] Nick Notice: "Having men and women in a room discussing what they find attractive and their fears would promote understanding and healthier relationships."

Connell envisions a show incorporating elements of improv to encourage authenticity and playful interactions, highlighting the importance of being real and adaptable in social settings.

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10. Closing Thoughts and Final Advice

As the episode winds down, both Connell and Nick offer encouraging words to listeners struggling with dating insecurities. They reinforce the message that authenticity, confidence, and a fulfilling personal life are the cornerstones of successful romantic connections.

[61:59] Connell Barrett: "You are more than enough. You have so much to offer. Embrace your authentic self, and your dream girlfriend will meet the best version of you."

Nick adds a final note on the importance of taking actionable steps towards personal growth and social engagement.

[61:59] Nick Notice: "Connect with others. Take small steps to go out and try. I've never met a guy who's done that and not grown and seen success in his life."

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Key Takeaways:

1. Embrace Authenticity: Genuine self-expression builds meaningful connections far beyond superficial interactions.
2. Pursue Personal Fulfillment: Engaging in activities you love enriches your life and naturally attracts like-minded individuals.
3. Leverage the Right Environment: Meeting women in shared interest settings fosters easier and more impactful interactions.
4. Balance Online and In-Person Dating: Utilize dating apps as a supplement while prioritizing face-to-face connections for deeper relationships.
5. Conquer Insecurities with Confidence: Self-assuredness outweighs physical attributes in attracting and maintaining romantic interest.
6. Intentional Dating Techniques: Employ strategies that promote mutual joy and understanding, avoiding manipulative tactics.
7. Take Action: Apply the insights gained from the podcast by actively engaging in social settings and personal growth activities.

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By blending personal anecdotes with professional insights, Connell Barrett and Nick Notice provide a comprehensive guide for men seeking to improve their dating lives through authenticity and genuine connection. Listeners are encouraged to take actionable steps towards building a fulfilling personal life, which in turn paves the way for successful romantic relationships.

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Resources Mentioned:

• Nick Notice's Website: nicknotus.com
• Nick Notice's YouTube Channel: Search for "Nick Notice" on YouTube for over 700 videos.
• Guestofagest.com: A platform to find social events and gatherings.
• Recommendation: Severance (TV Series) and the Before Trilogy by Richard Linklater.

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Final Encouragement from Connell:

"Don't just make this a podcast you listen to. Go, take action. Apply this. For every hour of content you consume, go out and take an hour of in-real-life action. Be courageous, be authentic, take some risks, and don't forget your dream girlfriend. She is out there and she is going to love you, but she's going to have to meet that best authentic you. So go out there, Carpe datum, seize the date!"

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Stay tuned for more episodes featuring expert insights and transformative dating advice to help you connect confidently and authentically with women.

Transcript

[Nick Notice]

I was just nerdy, Nick. And some beautiful woman was like, hey, I want to talk to you.

[Connell Barrett]

Right. Wow, it's amazing how many women like nerds.

[Nick Notice]

Absolutely. Especially nowadays. For anybody listening, I feel like it's cooler and cooler to be nerdy, to be a little, you know, weird or quirky and lean into it.

[Connell Barrett]

Hey, welcome back to the how to Get a Girlfriend podcast. I'm your host, dating coach Connell Barrett. I'm here to help you flirt with confidence, get more dates and get a great girlfriend, all by being authentic, really genuine, really real. And our guest today is the perfect person to talk about authenticity and being real and basically dating with integrity because that is, in my view, a lot of what Nick Notice is about today. Nick Notice is here. Nick is a world class dating coach. He, he's got over 15 years of experience helping guys like you build up your self esteem, get good at flirting, get dates, and he's got a huge audience out there. His Advice reaches over 300,000 people a month and he's worked with pretty much everyone out there from successful professionals to engineers to, well, nerds like me. And Nick has also been featured in outlets like Time, CBS and Men's Fitness. He's the real deal. I rarely have men on this show talking about dating, but Nick is a true shining light in this world of dating advice for men. And we're going to talk about helping you get a great girlfriend. Nick, welcome to the show.

[Nick Notice]

Hey, thanks so much for having me and fellow nerd here. So I'm on board.

[Connell Barrett]

Let's Get Nerdy. And you can go to nicknotus.com that's N I C K N O-T-A S.com to learn all about Nick. And speaking of your homepage, speaking of your website, I was just reading it before we hopped on and you tell a pretty compelling story about how back in the mid-000 you sort of hit a low point in your life. You were going through some things both personally and with your career and it essentially began you on this sort of journey into now becoming a dating expert who helps guys date. Can you talk a little bit about that, that struggling, that, that moment of struggle you had and how you bounced out of it?

[Nick Notice]

Yeah, basically at one period in my life, basically around 18 years old, everything kind of crumbled. So I was a nerd to start with, but I am off to college and all of a sudden my dad gets really sick and has to close down his family business. My only girlfriend ever dumped me on our two year anniversary. Find out A week later she's with somebody else. And then all my friends moved out of Boston because why would you want to go to college in Boston when you can go to California? So very quickly I found myself alone, not really knowing how to meet women, meet people, and started probably, I don't know, six month spiral of depression until I found, sadly at the time, the pickup artist industry. And it started with the seed as an 18 year old of, wow, if I could like go out and meet beautiful women, this would be amazing. And just started devouring everything I could there, going out, doing horribly for months and months and months because I had no idea what I was doing at all. And then very quickly got some attention of some local pickup artist companies. Spent the first couple of years doing that and realized there's a lot of good ideas here that teach people how to present themselves well, be charismatic, have good body language. But a lot of it is rooted in insecurity, not helping you be actually confident or honest. And so I said, I want to be able to do this in a way that takes all these principles but helps somebody integrate it into their actual personality.

[Connell Barrett]

So true. I had the same experience. I remember being in a seminar in the late double zeros. And on the stage is this like preening, peacocking guy spouting this Johnnie Cochran type of catchphrases. It was like, it was like the alpha male gets all the tail or something. Some silliness like that.

[Nick Notice]

Amazing.

[Connell Barrett]

And he was talking about, yeah, if girl isn't into me, I put that bitch on the next thing smoking. And I was like, like a train. Is that what that means? What the hell is he talking about? And I was watching him at the same time. He had at least some concepts that I found actually useful and powerful. And I thought if we could just like find a way to take some of the best advice and just not have it in this toxic dirt bag and teach it with some class that could be really cool. And that's. Yeah, yeah. So I think we have a lot in common there.

[Nick Notice]

If you're curious. I do have a quick story similar that I don't know if I've shared anywhere.

[Connell Barrett]

Hit us.

[Nick Notice]

One of my big turning points was, same thing. I went to a pickup artist conference. The final presenter said, okay, everybody, put away your phones, give them up. We got something private that we're only going to show to a few, you know, tours goes out. All of a sudden the video starts coming on and it's a Rocky theme song. I'm like, okay, what's going on same thing, guys peacocked out, got his hair gelled up and it was just like a five minute compilation of like here's some like B list celebrity on David Letterman and here's me secretly filming having sex with her in my. And then it was like a compilation cut to like Rocky. And of course at the end everyone's like cheering and they all want to sign up. And that was where I was like, okay, I don't want to be this person. I think there's a lot of really, really important things guys need to learn. But this is not where I should be going down the rabbit hole. And yeah, that was pretty unforgettable.

[Connell Barrett]

Oh man. That I had a similar experience. Obviously won't name any names. It wasn't a famous woman. It was just a random woman that this male so called expert was hooking up with. And he showed a glimpse of them having sex in a private like a hidden video type of session. And I just remember thinking, well, I'm glad you hooked up with her, but you just showed a room full of people, a woman who was being videotaped having intercourse that she obviously didn't consent to. It's like so gross. So also borderline illegal, but I assume so. It's just disgusting in every way. In every way possible. But so, okay, so you have this kind of low point and you had to bounce back from it. Looking back, if you had to think back to some of the biggest lessons. Did you have a moment from that era where you said, well, there's something really powerful here, not the pickup part, but an action. You took a win. You had a moment where you were like, wow, I didn't know I was capable of, of doing that.

[Nick Notice]

Totally. It came in the most random time. I think I was actually coaching one night. I wasn't doing really well. I was having a really poor night and I was feeling like I was trying really hard. And then at the end of the night I felt dejected. I started walking out and I remember I saw some woman with like, I don't know, really cool kind of punky leather jacket style, you know, outfit. And just without even thinking about it, I said, oh my God, I love that it's so cool and whatever, edgy. And immediately we hit it off and it kind of started this chain reaction of where I felt like my 15 year old self in a way of just like nerding out about music and rock and video games and not even thinking ahead for the first time. And it went so well that I remember leaving and having Basically a breakdown of, like, oh, my God, I haven't been seen or shown up in so long, I don't know who I am. And somebody liked me for that. And I hadn't felt that in a long time. Because you can get, as we've seen in many of the pickup artists. I know you can get all the success in the world, but it feels hollow if you don't. Aren't yourself, if nobody's actually ever appreciated you. And so it was a pretty huge realization from a throwaway comment of, like, I would never do this again, not knowing myself anymore. And just kind of started the catalyst of, like, I think there's a better way.

[Connell Barrett]

She just liked who you were, who you are.

[Nick Notice]

Yeah.

[Connell Barrett]

At that moment.

[Nick Notice]

Absolutely. And you never feel that because you're always trying to be Nico the pickup artist. And I got my hair spiked and. Right. And I was just nerdy Nick. And some beautiful woman was like, hey, I want to talk to you.

[Connell Barrett]

Right.

[Nick Notice]

Wow.

[Connell Barrett]

It's amazing how many women like nerds.

[Nick Notice]

Absolutely. Especially nowadays. For anybody listening, I feel like it's cooler and cooler to be nerdy, to be a little, you know, weird or quirky and lean into it.

[Connell Barrett]

Hell, yeah. I mean, what takes off on TikTok? What takes off in social media? Somebody really kind of leaning into that radically nerdy self because that's what stands out in a crowded world of so much media. Social media, apps, swiping, coming at, coming at you. You have to stand out somehow. There's only one of you.

[Nick Notice]

Absolutely.

[Connell Barrett]

Okay, so going back to your journey, when did you. When did you realize, you know what? I love coaching. I want to do this. I really want to help men.

[Nick Notice]

Honestly, it happened so quick, I probably don't even remember it sounds like it.

[Connell Barrett]

Like, almost right away.

[Nick Notice]

Yeah. It was a completely organic calling. I was a computer science background. I was thinking about, you know, becoming a relationship counselor, going pre medicine, but started going out, helped a couple of friends, saw some friends blossom and be able to meet people. And I was like, this is incredible, because I had grown up with everybody like that. Like, all my friends were guys that weren't very successful with women and weren't very sociable, and we had our own little clique. And to see that it was possible and really great guys could succeed in that way, have meaningful connections in that way, I was like, this is it. I can't imagine anything more fulfilling. And to be honest, I was getting to the point where I love tech and I'm a nerd, and I've been on a computer since I was like 4 years old. I hated programming. Just wasn't for me. And I like people.

[Connell Barrett]

You struggle with dating, right? Sure, you have a good job and cool friends, but you just aren't sure how to flirt. The apps don't work for you, and sometimes women put you in the friend zone. It's frustrating. Hey, I struggled with dating too. As an introvert and a total nerd. I didn't just live in the friend zone. I owned real estate there. But I escaped using the dating philosophy of Radical Authenticity, which I've used to help thousands of men in 17 countries find love. It's what I wrote about in my best selling book, Dating Sucks, but yout Don't. And Radical Authenticity is why Psychology Today called me the best dating coach in America. And now I want to personally help you attract your dream girlfriend. So go to datingtransformation.com and book a free call with me. On our call, I'll tell you how my one on one coaching will help you find your dream girlfriend. And you'll be doing it by flirting with confidence and authenticity. No creepy pickup tricks needed. So go to datingtransformation.com, book a free call today, and let my personalized coaching help you get a great girlfriend. Tell us. Tell me about a moment when you saw a man, young man, maybe not a young man. You saw a man who you saw yourself in. You saw a really great win. You saw him do something he didn't know he was capable of. Tell us the story. Any early wins with some, some of the men you coached?

[Nick Notice]

Yeah. I mean, one that just immediately comes to mind. It's a little bit early to mid in my career, but I would say the first retreat I ever held where I'm like, I have no idea if I can do this, if I can take people around the world. And really, you know, there's always that voice in your head like, okay, you've been coaching locally and done some one on ones. Are you really this person who can make a transformation in people's lives and just winged it? Hosted a retreat in Mallorca and guy came out of a divorce, had been reeling for a long time, and the very first retreat ends up meeting a woman that he ends up getting married to and has a kid with now. And like, I know it's cliche, there could be some earlier wins, but there was nothing more powerful than that of like, you host something, you make a difference. Somebody's entire life has changed because of it. And it just further reinforced like I Want to keep doubling down. Because even at that time I was doubting, like, okay, I've been doing this for a while. Is this, you know, where else do I take this?

[Connell Barrett]

Yeah.

[Nick Notice]

You know, and so, yeah, now it's also led to the power of what I believe to be in person. Work.

[Connell Barrett]

That's incredible. You brought, you helped bring a child into the world. Basically many of them by now, I'm sure.

[Nick Notice]

I hope. I mean, I feel like a weird person saying this, but a friend once said, like, wouldn't it be cool to like make a million happy families?

[Connell Barrett]

Yeah.

[Nick Notice]

And I'm like, yeah, that would be amazing.

[Connell Barrett]

I remember the first client. I'll call him Kevin. And I didn't even know it had happened. We. We'd lost contact for about a year after we parted ways with my coaching and everything seemed to be great, but you know, we weren't in touch so I didn't know what was going on. All of a sudden one day he sends me a. A pic of his new baby.

[Nick Notice]

That's awesome.

[Connell Barrett]

Just like I did that kind kinda, right? Kinda, a little bit. I helped. Of course.

[Nick Notice]

You did.

[Connell Barrett]

Yeah. That's cool. Coaching in Mallorca.

[Nick Notice]

Yeah, I was. I mean it was pretty cool. That's not why I chose it. But if you're going to host a retreat, doing it on an island is not a bad way to go.

[Connell Barrett]

Before we talk a little bit about some tactics and some how to. Which I, you know, I get to. On most episodes. But I'd love to speak a bit more holistically with you.

[Nick Notice]

Sure.

[Connell Barrett]

Because what I've noticed about your advice is you talk a lot about having a more holistic approach to this, having a more fulfilling life. I found a quote from yours. I believe that this is from your website where you talk about emphasizing quote, romantic success is a byproduct of a fulfilling life. And that's a very different shift from get the girl at all costs. Right. How does a guy make that shift and start focusing on having a more fulfilling life, Having a richer life in a way that is related to. Is dating success, but isn't so tactical. Any thoughts there?

[Nick Notice]

Yeah, I think you've. It always starts with saying, okay, what in my past have I enjoyed doing for myself even if it's just alone. Right. I've liked to learn playing guitar or learning a language. And I think just first thinking about how can I translate that to an external pursuit, a social pursuit where I can do this out in the world. Right. Not even saying like it needs to go further than that you need to approach people or whatever. Just, I think a lot of guys, especially now we're seeing, you know, the highest rates of social anxiety ever is like, you know, I stay at home, I do this all alone. And the simplest way to get started on improving your life is saying, can I just be out in the world and exist and do that in that fashion and being patient with yourself. I think if you take the small steps to say, okay, I'm just going to go out for an hour. I don't need to talk to anyone. If I feel uncomfortable, I can leave. But just putting yourself there, I think gives you the light bulb of this is attainable. I can start to build a life for myself. I don't have to, like, go to a bar and be a different guy. I can figure out a way to do the things I love and really connect with a lot of individuals. And for me, that's the start of a great life is doing having meaningful experiences and doing it with people that you want to connect with. And so, yeah, just slowly figuring out, what have I enjoyed in my life? Where can I do it out in the world. And don't even worry about, like, going out and approaching people. I think get into a good space, enjoying it. And then once you do that, there's actually a lot less resistance to going out and approaching. You know, you tell a guy who has nothing going on in his life, go out and talk to that woman right now, it's terrifying. But you tell a guy who's now playing volleyball and he loves it, and he's in the moment and he's pumped up and he's excited, and it's like, hey, why don't you talk to your teammates a little bit more? It's like, okay, cool. There's just a smaller gap to cross.

[Connell Barrett]

Great. Volleyball is a great example. As a hypothetical, what are some other examples of the kinds of pursuits you or some of your clients have pursued that have enriched their lives?

[Nick Notice]

Yeah, Author meetups. Okay. Any kind of, like, hiking or a run club. I love photography. I've taken all sorts of, like, cooking classes just because I think it's good to learn how to cook for yourself. Okay. Funny enough, I have a lot of clients who love rock climbing, and that seems to be a huge success for them. I've enjoyed dance and I like music. So different forms of dance has been really fun, but also really fruitful. And, you know, I don't think you go there for that reason, but certain activities, like dance tend to have a lot more women than Men. And so if you are the fun guy, enjoying yourself at a dance, you know, type event, you're going to get some people who want to engage you. But honestly, at this point in my career, everything I think if there are, I've had people have success at improv. People who go to like museum nights where like the Boston MFA Museum of Fine Arts has like a first Friday where guys can go the first Friday. People can go the first Friday of every month, listen to music, drink and look at art. I think honestly, I haven't really found too many avenues that aren't successful for being social or meeting women, unless it is very, very male dominated. But then that can be for you, right? If you want to go to an automotive meetup, just understand that's probably your guy's hobby. You need something else that also has women there.

[Connell Barrett]

What, the World of Warcraft convention is not filled with total nines and tens? What?

[Nick Notice]

I made a mistake going to some Reddit meetups thinking I'd meet some great women and was not the case.

[Connell Barrett]

Actually my ex girlfriend, then my girlfriend, she was big into gaming and games and she did go to some, some kind of gamer meetup and she's very pretty girl and she just could tell all the guys were like, it was like an episode of Big Bang Theory. When they're, when they see a beautiful girl and they're all talking about, no, you approach her. No, you approach her. She could see the effect she was having on them. She thought it was adorable.

[Nick Notice]

That's hilarious. Well, glad she had a positive response. Some women might be like, oh my God, I'm chum in the water here.

[Connell Barrett]

But what I love about your advice though, about choosing activities like improv or dance or take an acting class or cooking classes. What I'm, what I'm hearing you say is, well, you're guaranteed to get a new experience and grow and perhaps pick up a new hobby or passion that you love. That's a guaranteed win regardless of what women you may or may not meet. But if you have a chance to socialize with women there, that's a double bonus. So it's almost like you can't lose when you do this.

[Nick Notice]

Yeah, everything that I've done to meet women has enriched my life. Photography. I have a video lighting set up right now and I love photography and I use it for my children and all that. Right. Music. I am playing drums now and being able to play like with other people. So yeah, it just starts with doing things that enrich you, that have fun, they stick with you for life. And then they happen to also get you in front of cool people.

[Connell Barrett]

Yeah. And you don't have to think is hard and worry is hard about what to say, how to flirt. What's my game? Like if what you get to talk about on that date or during that approach is, oh yeah, I just got back from dance class. You want to check out this new move I learned that's so much more attractive to a woman than the coolest thing, the coolest line that some TikTok so called expert says. Say this on your next date. No. Talk about the dance class you just took or the, the pasta primavera you just made in your cooking class that would be so attractive to so many women.

[Nick Notice]

Yeah. It's funny you say that. You know, the few friends that I know now I have more of them but growing up that were charismatic and sociable and great with women, they were almost always interesting people.

[Connell Barrett]

Yeah.

[Nick Notice]

They were never. It's never the guy who has nothing going on, who practices pickup five days a week and women are like, oh my God, this guy's incredible. In fact, like, I have friends, I'm sure you do, that know nothing about this. And they just love living a great life. And because of it, everybody wants to be part of it and. But it's ironic because for some reason I find maybe you do too. Most guys want like the hardest mode. Every guy's like, nah, I don't want to do all that. I want to go like cold approaching women on the street or in a bar, even though I hate bars. And I'm like, ugh, okay, it's fine if you want to, but I think that it's usually at least easier and more rewarding overall to do it a little bit more integrated as well.

[Connell Barrett]

Yeah. Is that what you mean when you talk about on your website about, quote, low pressure social interactions? You mean as, as part of a social circle type of interaction or an event or. What do you mean by low pressure social interactions?

[Nick Notice]

Yeah, exactly. A warm environment, you have some commonality. You guys are there for the same purpose. You might even know the same people. The difference. I'm a huge believer nowadays in environment and being in that environment. You know, you're not going to get a woman who is just completely curt and rude and standoffish in the middle of a class when you guys are interested in the same thing. And just that alone makes the connection so much more likely. You randomly talk to a woman at a bar or in the daytime on the street, their defenses are up. They don't know you, there's no context. They don't know anyone around you. And it's not saying it's impossible. And I've had tons of great success and I met my wife at a bar, so I can't lie. But it is just infinitely easier. But for some reason I think a lot of men say, well, if I go to an event, there's only two women that I would want to talk to. If I go to a bar, there's 20. But sometimes, you know, I told you about this earlier, my friend Jason, he's almost exclusively meets people through those means. And even if he goes out and sees one or two people, the conversion rate of a connection skyrockets. You know, he's not worried about talking to 20 people, he's worried about talking to two. And likely there's a good likelihood that it'll move forward.

[Connell Barrett]

Well, there's a built in rapport that's there, or at least it can be there. A rapport. If you walk up to a woman who, if you're cooking class or your improv class, you're going out for post class drinks or you're there at the meetup all talking about the language you all, you're all learning and she knows you from being part of the meetup, then there's you. It buys you at least a minute or two of socializing time. When you walk up and say hello doesn't mean you're going to necessarily have an instant romantic spark. But essentially to your point, they're very, to use a business term, they're very warm leads.

[Nick Notice]

Yeah. And I think I heard this on your interview with Haley Quinn. Just, you know, having that context puts people in a chance, a frame of like, I will give this a chance. And just like that switch of like, okay, they're here for the same reason. Let me be receptive to it as opposed to, oh, this is a random person walking up to me and I'm at a default saying, oh, they have to prove why I should engage.

[Connell Barrett]

Right.

[Nick Notice]

And you see it here. I've had guys who get 100 online matches, they go on a million dates and it's just whatever, nobody takes it seriously. And then all of a sudden they meet one woman in person and all of a sudden they connect. Right. And I don't think it's because somehow those two people found each other in the universe. I think it's just the context, the environment makes it much more likely.

[Connell Barrett]

This is great. Let's keep talking about the environment. This is great. Counter programming, not counter Programming, but a different take. Last week I did a four part series all about in real life dating. Essentially approaching doing it in a way that doesn't feel like approaching, but essentially is. But environmental dating, social circle interactions. It's a whole separate world and I think it's so powerful for, for guys to, to utilize if they want to. So quick story. I remember one of the most beautiful women I ever walked up to and had an instant connection with. We were at a self help event. We'd seen each other there, we'd been there for a couple of days. She had actually been on stage with the self. This is a non, a non dating one. Just like a life improvement. Sorry. It was a business self help program and she, she had been on stage and I went up and it was instant rapport. And it just so happened we were each other's type. She found me attractive and we vibed and we went out. But if I approached her at a bar, by the way. Oh she, by the way, she was a famous actress in Eastern Europe who had just moved to the US to try to make it in America in acting. So she was like your movie star, beautiful. And if I approach her at a bar, you know, I have a 1 in 5 chance on my good day. But at this event, instant connection because to your point, the environment just said, oh, these two people have something in common. And that just buys you at least the first couple minutes of a conversation.

[Nick Notice]

It's beautiful. And especially things like self improvement, it showcases. It's a good way to also these environments to convey your values. Right. If you're going there proactively for a self improvement seminar, you are probably somebody who's trying to be thoughtful, trying to grow, trying to do all those things. Funny enough, one of my clients, I introduced him to Brene Brown, he saw a woman in a coffee shop reading a Brene Brown book. It was like, oh my God, you're reading the new book. I love it. Blah, blah, blah, boom. Done. Right. Just off that one conversation piece.

[Connell Barrett]

The way you frame, the way you frame that. At first I thought you meant you just walk around with Brene Brown next to you all the time. Oh, hey, by the way. Yeah. Wow. What does she charge for that?

[Nick Notice]

Oh my God.

[Connell Barrett]

Hey everybody, this is Brene Brown. She just follows me wherever I go.

[Nick Notice]

Oh, you mean actually having Brene Brown? I thought you mind having a book that would even be greater.

[Connell Barrett]

No, hey, just Brene Brown follows you around all day as your plus one anyway. But what a great, what a great insightful person. To introduce that gentleman to. Absolutely.

[Nick Notice]

Sure.

[Connell Barrett]

Although if you can get Brene Brown to, to be your wing woman, that's got to be. You know, she's going to make you do really vulnerable things. Damn her.

[Nick Notice]

I did meet her once at. She spoke at my wife's school, funny enough. And I was totally fawning her over her.

[Connell Barrett]

So I feel you as. As well you should. As well you should. I'm curious about. So in terms of. So the guy, a guy. A lot of guys listening to this, I'll bet the typical man listening to this, he might not be all excited about the idea of cold approaching in a bar. He's probably working a lot. He works 40, 50, 60 hours a week in a very logical, analytical job and he's not really looking to hit the bars. So for that guy, you're. Am I hearing that your advice might be. And he does. Maybe he doesn't have any new recent hobbies that he's excited about. He doesn't know what kind of environments to. To go seek out. What advice would you. Would. What advice would you offer for a man like that?

[Nick Notice]

Well, if he only has nights, okay. And then finding events and activities is tough. You can even think of nightlife within. There's cultures within nightlife, right. So you can go to more of a video game bar, speakeasy, more of a quiet sit down kind of cocktail place that encourages conversation. And it'll feel wildly different than a typical bar. So of course they can do their event research for at night. But also nightlife gets boxed into. I think most especially introverted, nerdy guys are just like, oh my God. Loud thumping clubs, everyone's drunk, it's a sports bar, whatever. No, there's so much different, right? Like there's a Miracle of Science bar in Cambridge where Harvard is and it's mostly Harvard graduates and MIT graduates and it's very low key and everybody's chilling and talking. And there's another place called Saloon and it's a speakeasy downstairs where conversation is the point and it feels wildly different. And then you don't have to think about finding an event, booking it, signing up for it. You can show up and I think it feels a lot more accessible.

[Connell Barrett]

Yeah. There's also a resource that I've used in the past. It's been a while. Have you ever heard of guestofagest.com?

[Nick Notice]

No.

[Connell Barrett]

Check it out guys. Guestofaguest.com not a sponsor. I just had a good experience with them. It is a resource to find social events Parties, openings. You get on a mailing list and you find out about new art galleries opening. Here's our kickoff event or we're having a special party here at this rooftop bar and you can get on a list and essentially get a ready made environment from whole claw. So guestofaguest.com, not a sponsor but guys, I'm open to it if you're listening. And I went, I did a guest of a guest event with a client and we it told the list, gave us an instant invite to it might be like 10 or 20 bucks a month. It's not crazy. Anyway, so guest of a guest gave us an instant invite to some rooftop bar that was opening and it was just so easy to go talk to people there, men and women, because we were all there for the same reason. It was an instant environment. To your point, as opposed to here I am at a bar and now I'm going to go cold approach that stranger. So look for resources like that.

[Nick Notice]

I love that. I think somebody, Whoever's listening. There's meetup.com yeah, sometimes it can be hit or miss and sometimes it can be catered to an older demographic. Unless you're going to like the 2030 singles, I still think there's somewhere in the market somebody needs to create an app to do. Easy. Hey, here's something going on around you. Here's the type of stuff. Let me just click on it and show up. I don't know of much that's there. I feel like Bumble tried it with their friends thing but nobody's cracked the code. If somebody can have an easy app that gets people out without overthinking it, I think there's a huge market there.

[Connell Barrett]

What is your view on dating apps? Do you coach men on that? Do you advise them to focus on their environment and get off the apps? What's your thought on dating apps?

[Nick Notice]

My first take is always think of it as just one avenue. Okay. I rarely tell unless somebody's like I truly have no other time. And if they are getting a lot of success there and they're like I just already have plenty of dates and I don't need anything more. Sure. But I think of it as just one supplemental avenue. I still think you should work on learning to be sociable in person in some fashion for a multitude of reasons. But online dating is like black or white in the sense of it either works or it doesn't. And I tell guys, if you're going to invest in online dating, you have to do the things that Work. You have to get better pictures. You have to work at it. You know, I'm sure you feel it. A million guys come to us and they're like, I've been using online dating for two years and I get nothing.

[Connell Barrett]

Yeah.

[Nick Notice]

And then their photos are horrible. And I'm like, why would you spend six months beating your head against the wall? Spend three hours, get a photographer, get a friend, learn how to do it yourself, and invest in making the most interesting version of yourself that you can present. And that's when it's worth it. Otherwise, I think it can be pretty brutal and pretty frustrating. And I just tell guys to try their best. Obviously I give more advice in this, but, like, realize that that's everyone's experience. I think almost everybody, male and female, is like, this is hard. I have to spend a lot of time, there's a lot of ghosting, a lot of flaking, all that stuff. So it's good, you know, I can't. The numbers are whatever, 50% of new relationships are from online. So in that regard I think it's great. But I have heard that Gen Z is starting to change and wanting to go back out more. So that's nice.

[Connell Barrett]

Well, we're humans. We've been doing this for 100,000 years, just walking up to one another and being social. And it's only in the last 15 years that the Tinder era began and changed our behavior. But we're still the same basic animals, social animals.

[Nick Notice]

Yeah. You're not going to change all that in 15 years. I think people think, well, that's weird. Nowadays, nobody talks anyone. You're not going to change the way people respond for thousands of years, right? No. And there's a principle in psychology called the contrast principle. You know, so many women are like, I rarely get a guy to normally approach me in an. In a nice environment or a class or whatever and have a normal conversation. And the guy that does stands out. And so this is probably controversial. I think theoretically online dating is harder than meeting people in person. Like, practically it feels harder. Like, mentally, it feels harder to get over your anxiety and stuff. But once you do, like, I think you can go out for a night to a couple classes, have a lot of good conversations and meet some women. When I know guys spend a month and sometimes they can't even get a date right. Yeah, Online.

[Connell Barrett]

Well, the. I totally agree with you. I'm such a fan of in real life dating. That's why I did a little big series about it last week. And even though I met My girlfriend on a dating app. I'm pro dating apps. But I also don't want any guy to feel like he's ghettoized and has to be stuck in the ghetto of dating apps. And to your point, I think you're right. I think a connection you make in person is going to mean so much more to that person, that woman, than the same woman if she matches with you on Tinder or Hinge. Because she's not going to go back to her girlfriends and say, hey, guess what? The 879th guy match with me this week on Tinder. I'm so excited. She's probably not even going to see that match. But if you're that one guy who goes to the environment she's in, has a little something in common with her and she can see and feel your in person vibe, your present genuine self, oh my God, that's going to be so much more impactful to a woman like that.

[Nick Notice]

It's serendipity. Right. I think every book and movie that is a romance geared towards women, it's always in person. Right. There's like nothing about like, oh, my dream guy. We like texted for a while and then it happened.

[Connell Barrett]

Not since you've got mail anyway. Yeah.

[Nick Notice]

And that was because email was fresh and was like this cool new thing Right now everyone's like, who wants to meet somebody on email.

[Connell Barrett]

Yeah.

[Nick Notice]

So, yeah, it's, it's amazing how much power that has. And something that you said that I think is true is, listen, I'm never going to show. I'm always going to tell people the truth. Okay. And online dating is harder for certain people. Right. You're a shorter guy. I'm 5, 8. The data is there.

[Connell Barrett]

Right.

[Nick Notice]

It doesn't mean it's impossible, but you have to try more.

[Connell Barrett]

Yeah.

[Nick Notice]

I just don't find those same limitations in person.

[Connell Barrett]

Yeah.

[Nick Notice]

You know, whether it's height, ethnicity, income level, background, whatever because of eye contact, vibe, personality, sense of humor, all these things that are under your control or under your influence that a one second look at a photo boils you down to that.

[Connell Barrett]

Yeah.

[Nick Notice]

You can't overcome.

[Connell Barrett]

No, you're right. There's a psychological concept that I agree with this idea that we all have two sides of our mind. We have the logical intellectual side and we have the more emotional side. And that's true of men and women. And a woman might have her logical rules for, oh, five, ten minimum, this much money, this kind of looks, but then you meet her in person. You're five eight, you're not A millionaire. But you're funny. You're yourself. You tease a little bit, but you're really genuine. You're a good listener. Just good social skills. And she's gonna, you're gonna be speaking to her emotional side and then she'll bend her so called logical rules and say, well, okay, he's not what I put on the dating apps, but man, I just love how I feel with him.

[Nick Notice]

Yeah, I didn't know where you were going with the bend. And then she's gonna bend her rules.

[Connell Barrett]

Um, she doesn't bend until the third. Third date.

[Nick Notice]

Oh, God. Not in the middle of the, the improv class. No, but absolutely, you know, it's. Listen, my biggest fear, I had body issues. Like many guys, not only am I short, but I looked like I was 12, you know, and I really thought that was going to be a big problem. And maybe online dating when I didn't do much of it when I was younger, but it just didn't appear that way in person. You know, you overcome it. And I've talked about this a lot. Some of the best guys I know with women. One of my friends is 5 foot 3. Another was 5 foot 7 and bald by the time he was 22. And they've never had a problem dating beautiful women, taller women. Whatever the case, you know, tell them.

[Connell Barrett]

Tell me more about that. This is a really interesting concept that I have not talked about here much. Maybe because I'm, I'm taller. I haven't really had to deal with that myself. I've only had to deal with it through the guys I've helped. Um, talk a little bit about good looking. Pardon?

[Nick Notice]

You're like, I'm tall and phenomenally good looking.

[Connell Barrett]

So. Yeah, phenomenally as. As good looking as the lead singer of Weezer is phenomenally good looking. Thank you. But talk a little bit about men who are of shorter stature, short guys, short kings, whatever the right term is. Yeah. What, what do they have to do to get some. Give them. Give, give that. Give that under statured guy some hope and some help, if you would. What are your thoughts there?

[Nick Notice]

Yeah, going back to the contrast principle, I think whenever you subvert people's expectations, it's really interesting. So somebody who's short may be either seen as maybe more timid and meek, or sometimes is like really overcompensating and trying to be the loudest, most dominating guy in the room. And I think if you can just be warm, outspoken, excited about people, curious, presentation, showing up with energy and enthusiasm not to like, again, dominate the conversation, but to share with people. Then all of a sudden they're like, whoa, this guy's not what I thought. I thought maybe he was going to be really awkward and quiet, or maybe he's going to have Napoleon complex. And sometimes even being more forward, right? To have a strong moment to say a strong opinion, to look her in the eyes and tell her that you find her beautiful in some way. About her personality, to make a bold move appropriately whenever you really surprise someone like that, I think it's very attractive. And so when I think about my friend who's five three, he is just. He has a Superman tattoo, and he really is. He's just, like, warm, and he builds people up and he's so great to be around. And I've told this before, maybe even on Trip's podcast. You know, one time when I was dealing with my own insecurities, he wanted to start seeing a girl that I dated before, and she was like, 5 7. And I was great with it. And so I talked to her and I was like, hey, you know, my only question is, like, aren't you a little, like, concerned that Eddie's so short? And she's like, oh, sorry, I dropped his name, whatever. And I was like, he's short. And she's like, and. And I was like, yeah, he's five foot three. And she was like, I guess I never really noticed. He is such, like, a big personality. And I think that's what it is. Have a big personality, be warm, be comfortable in your own skin, be willing to lead, to be decisive, to speak your mind, do the things that people don't expect of you. And then I think it can actually become an asset. And something I haven't talked about actually is sometimes I felt it could be disarming in the sense of, like, I had friends who would go out and be very like, I have a friend who's 6 foot 4, and he's very intimidating. And that can get you in the door, but it can also be a lot. And sometimes, like, you know, nobody's really intimidated by me. And sometimes I think, like, I don't get as rejected as much because they're like, I seem sweet and nice. I don't want to be such like, a jerk to him, Right? And then again, you show that you're an interesting person. I felt like I got in the door sometimes a little bit easier, and then showing up in ways that they didn't expect really worked in my favor.

[Connell Barrett]

So a 5 foot 3, 5 foot 4 guy, not only does he have Hope he can have real romantic success.

[Nick Notice]

Yeah, I mean, I'd like to think I'm at this point quite good at being social. And I think even my friend that I said is up there, man.

[Connell Barrett]

How tall are you, Nick?

[Nick Notice]

Five eight.

[Connell Barrett]

Okay, five, eight.

[Nick Notice]

So I'm not crazy short, but. No, he's dated the most beautiful women I can imagine. And like I said, the other person I started my company with, one of my companies with, he was 5 foot 7, bald and 80 pounds overweight. And he didn't want to be in a relationship. And I watched him Date for 10 years the most stunning women I've ever seen. You know, my old coach.

[Connell Barrett]

Oh, sorry. Finish your thought, please.

[Nick Notice]

No, please, please.

[Connell Barrett]

My old coach. Five, seven, beard, big ginger beard, balding, big tummy. For a lot of the time I was working with him just. But he knew how to channel his confidence and charisma in a way that he gave women that, that masculine yet connected feeling that they wanted. And women were just like, I don't care. I don't care how tall you are. Bearded, chubby man, take me home.

[Nick Notice]

There you go. Right? And I've seen it too, man. It's, you know, we. It's like you said, we all want to believe we want one thing, but then sometimes we just fall for something else. You know, we don't control. It's the old adage of like, attraction is not a choice, it's a feeling.

[Connell Barrett]

Yeah. I write a column occasionally for the Good Men Project, and one of the questions I got was from a shorter guy who said, hey, Connell, should I. Should I have my legs broken and bones stretched in a leg lengthening procedure? Six months, eight months. Very painful. 100 grand. And at the end of it, he might get 2 or 3 inches taller. Not counting the fact that he's got to take off work. He's got. Would have cages around his legs. He. And he might re. Break his legs when he's shooting hoops in a year or two, all for a couple more inches. That's what the height issue can, can get. It can get in guys heads so much.

[Nick Notice]

I mean, I'm not going to lie. I thought about it too. When I was younger. I didn't actually. Yeah, of course. I mean, I was really insecure. I was about my height. You know, I've always been the shortest person and I've written about this and so I'll talk honestly. I had to take growth hormone therapy when I was younger. So like to like, I'm fine, and I ended up fine. But like it was a big insecurity, like I was going to be short for the rest of my life. I had to do this just to be quote, unquote, normal. And yeah, of course, you go down the Internet rabbit hole, but then like you said, you're like, oh, you can't really run or play much sports for the rest of your life. That. That doesn't sound so great.

[Connell Barrett]

Yeah, it's all to be tall. It's all to be tall. And what is your view on how. Oh, here's my view on how women decipher height, what it means to them. You're welcome to disagree or agree. Maybe you see some nuance here. I'd love to hear your view. My view is that height is a nice bonus for many women. It is not a requirement at all for most women. Some, but not most. And essentially, what does a tall guy give a woman? Many women. He gives her a sense of, oh, I'm with a quote, tall, strong man, so much like our ancestors on the African savannah. I'll be safe with him. He. I'll be safe. He's strong, he's masculine, he's a man, I'm a woman. She'll feel feminine. She'll feel quote, unquote, smaller. And that's what height gives some women. And then part two of that is you. A guy of any height can. Can help a woman feel that, even if he's 5 foot 5. There's different ways to make women feel safe, to make her feel like you're the man. And height is one way that some women feel, but it's absolutely optional. And there's other ways to make women feel the feels that they get from the. The quote, tall guys they want to date. That's my view. What are your thoughts?

[Nick Notice]

I mean, I fully agree. I think, you know, we talked about before this. Some of the modern male movement really boils, like, masculinity down to, like, gotta be super jacked, gotta, like, be rich and flaunt it. And that's like, what is gonna make a woman feel protected and provided for. That's just not the case, you know, if you stand up for her, if you, you know, are there when she needs you most, if you can have your own boundaries, if you can remain an independent individual while in a relationship, if you have the courage to speak your mind and be decisive. So many other ways to show, when you need me, I'll be there. I think, like, height is the least of it. I mean, I know a million and a half women. I think it's again, one of those things where at first you're like, this is what I want, this is what's gonna make me feel like that. And then I know endless women who are in relationships with tall guys or whatever and they don't feel protected, they don't feel provided for, they don't feel like, man, I can really rely on my partner when things go south. So yeah, maybe the novelty at first for some women, but I think very quickly people realize it's not what it's all meant to be in the same sense. I made a recent video about looks for men. I think you need to probably be physically attracted to somebody you're with at some level. Okay. But even then, guys will reject, you know, incredible women for them that are like really beautiful but not like the hottest women they could be with. And then they finally achieve that or they try for it so much and sometimes they end up in a relationship with someone who's not so great for them. I've never met a guy who's been in a relationship with a absolutely beautiful women woman, but that doesn't feel like fulfilled in his life or feels like it's healthy.

[Connell Barrett]

Yeah.

[Nick Notice]

And it's like, this is amazing. I want to stay in it. I'm so happy. Like the novelty wears off, right?

[Connell Barrett]

Yeah.

[Nick Notice]

Not saying that as a jealous short guy, anything, I promise. I'm just saying like, there's more to life, man. You're going to look at that person's height for a little bit, but if you want to spend the next 30 years with them, you got to think about a lot more.

[Connell Barrett]

I think that the biggest problem that hurts men is not the lack of height or for me, back in the day, lack of. I guess I felt like I was too nerdy, too nice. Girls just didn't like me. I wasn't the outgoing alpha male, shy, nerdy, ginger. Some guys are in their head about their looks, money. It's not so much the thing that you actually, that you think you lack. It's the self doubt. It's how the insecurity about that self doubt makes you slump your shoulders or it makes you stay home instead of go out to meet people or you finally get the courage up to go talk to that woman, whether it's in the environment or a cold approach. And you're so nervous about rejection that that's what actually gets you rejected, not your actual height. So I think, I feel it's kind of, it's a bit of a paradox here, but it's the problem isn't Your lack of height. It's how you're insecurity related to your lack of height brings you all the way down to what I call the lower self. Just a version of you who just feels like he's not enough. And what woman wants to date a guy who feels like he's not enough?

[Nick Notice]

It's you create a self fulfilling prophecy. Yeah, right. It's funny you said your little self. My friend whose therapist says like the small version of you. Right. And big version of you and small version of you. And we all got it. And it's funny, you know, you see this pattern in everything. I'm too short, I don't drink, that's going to be weird. I wear glasses or whatever. But then you can look at a ton of guys around you that have those same things and are successful. So that's how you know it's not true. Right? It is all the projection, as you're saying, 100%.

[Connell Barrett]

One last little tip. Not tip. Moment of hope for guys who are on the shorter side. My girlfriend Jess briefly dated a guy who was 45455. She had no problem with it. My ex, my now ex girlfriend Donna dated a little person like 4, 4 9, 4 10. She had no issue with it. And yeah, so don't break your legs guys, please, please don't.

[Nick Notice]

And a good experiment for guys in big cities like New York. Go spend two hours with headphones, walk around and see how many women you find incredibly beautiful to be with. Guys that are shorter or that have the insecurities that you doubt about yourself and you'll be like, oh, wow, it's everywhere.

[Connell Barrett]

Yeah. Or even, even women for whom height is their deal breaker. Usually it's not a certain inch height on the, you know, on the measuring stick. It's just, oh, I just want him to be as tall as me. And the average Woman's like what? 5, 4, 5, 5 is the average height of a woman. So even women for whom height is a deal breaker, which is not the majority, I would say it's a minority. It's not even about hitting a number. It's about, oh, I just want em taller than me. And so if you're 5554-56- that still brings so many women health. 5, 3, 5, 4. Bring so many women into the mix for you.

[Nick Notice]

Yeah. And there's like platform boots that give you two inches.

[Connell Barrett]

Right?

[Nick Notice]

I'm just kidding. But totally.

[Connell Barrett]

Just a few more things here. I thought we'd get a little silly at the end or get a little bit More out there since you got into this world right around the same time I did. Back in the double zeros. Right. That's when you first started, like, working. Oh, seven. Same. Same here. Roughly, almost the exact same time. I asked somebody else recently this question. I thought it was a fun question. Is there any old school piece of quote, pickup advice, a tactic that you learned that actually frankly had. Has more than a sliver of truth to it and that works even if the overall approach is toxic. The one I've mentioned here many times, I'm still a fan of it. I love the old school push pull. I think I was talking to Haley about this.

[Nick Notice]

Interesting.

[Connell Barrett]

Which is a tease combined with a compliment that's actually authentic to me. I'm a smart ass and I'm also a playful person, so it's not so much a nag as it is, like, I like to tease a girl but then give her a compliment. And I find that the old school push pull can work really well. Actually, on my first date with my now girlfriend Jess, I even said to her, a total old school, literally copy paste line. Use this if you want, gents. No pressure, but I said, you're either the coolest girl I've met in a long time or the weirdest. I'm just not sure which. And she just, like, lit up. She still talks about that even though she knows now knows it was a move anyway, so that really worked well with my girlfriend Jess. That's one that is granted old school PUA stuff, but I still see value in it, even if it can be used in a sleazy way by others. Anyway, any examples from your pickup pass where you think, you know what, there's some badass stuff there.

[Nick Notice]

Yeah. Well, I just want to say, like, what you're talking about is intention, Right. If your intention is to share joy and be playful together and bring closeness, then it's great. As a fellow Bostonian. Well, smartass from Boston, I'm with you, man. Like, that's part of our humor. I just spent, you know, a party with friends and it was like four hours of them just roasting each other, you know? Yeah. And that's the way it is for me. Yeah. This is going to sound really simple, but somebody once said attraction equals comfort plus sexuality. And I don't think it's that simple. But I think that's what a lot of guys don't understand is, like, if we wanted to boil men into, like, simple camps, right. There's a nice guy who's just very comfortable and very open and talks to you, but he never expresses his intentions and never has any level of sexuality. And a woman can't imagine being intimate with him. Then on the opposite end, there's a guy who has no comfort but is very sexual. And sometimes, unfortunately, women will still sleep with them because they're fulfilling a need that is important in an intimate connection. And I think if you can be somebody who truly cares about the person, wants to get to know them, wants to make them feel good, but then is saying, like, I think sexuality is beautiful. I want to explore that with you. I want to express that with you. That is like the gold. And that's kind of the mission I've been behind the last few years. I feel like, you know, we've lost the idea of healthy sexuality. It almost feels like, because there's so much toxic sexuality and, like, advice of just there, that it's almost like we're a valid Victorian era again. Like, there's so much shame around sexuality again, and expression around it and embracing in it. And I'd like to find a way to bring that back in a way that is like, still, I say it's an invitation to explore intimacy together rather than I'm a guy trying to impose having sex with you. When you see it as a mutually beneficial, beautiful thing, then it's great. So comfort plus embracing your sexuality, I think is a good foundation for building an intimate connection with someone.

[Connell Barrett]

Yeah, very universal. Very useful and universal. Okay, next question. If they were going to launch the Nick Notice dating reality show, what would the format of your show be that would allow you to showcase your coaching principles and make it a good reality show? While you think for a second, because I'm just throwing this at you right now, here's mine. The Connell Barrett dating show would be. It would probably be a lot like, Whose Line is It Anyway? There'd be improv. There'd be fun, playful improv games and improv scenes. And because when you do improv, even though you're doing a character, you're creating a funny, fun scene from nothing. You have to put your authentic self in it. You really have to be real, but also be playful. And that's really good in improv, but also dating. So the Conor Barrett reality show would be have a lot of. Have an improv element. What about the Nick Notice dating reality show?

[Nick Notice]

Yeah, I love improv and something also, by the way, I'll tell you, for your coaching, I'm sure, you know, for retreats, doing improv and, like, role playing games has been like Some of the most successful learning experiences for guys. So I think that would be a cool show and very educational for me. I don't know what the outcome or the gamifying it would be, but it would be really cool to have men and women and people of all genders sit in a room and like, talk about what they really want, what they find desirable to clear out misunderstandings. I know some. There's not really a good show or something where you have people coming together vulnerably and being like, well, I feel sexual in this way and it makes me feel like a predator. Well, I don't automatically think like that. Somehow we'd have to make it more fun. I'm a little too serious sometimes. But I think we need to have more open discourse between people of the opposite sex. And not just the opposite sex, but talking about what they find attractive, what not what their fears are. And if they help each other understand, then I think everybody wins. Right? Because that's the biggest thing is like, I am a little bit more lucky in the sense of I did have a couple of female friends growing up, but most of the guys I talk to. And you do, a lot of them don't have true female friends and they really don't understand women at all fundamentally. And I think vice versa. I talk to a lot of women and they think men are just sometimes purely pigs or sexual or they've heard the worst stories of them. And yeah, bringing people together to understand each other in a room would be cool.

[Connell Barrett]

I love it. I'll tune in for sure. A couple more quick ones. I'm a big movie fan. I do a little rom com episode every now and then where I break down rom coms, but I talk about movies a lot. Do you have a favorite couple movies like your desert island movies for romance oriented? No, no, sorry. Just any movie. Your favorite. Your favorite movies of all time. Two or three of them.

[Nick Notice]

Oh, my God. I'm gonna go romance. I've said this before, but have you watched the before trilogy from Richard Linklater? Before Sunset, Before Sunrise?

[Connell Barrett]

Oh, I know of them. I actually never seen one.

[Nick Notice]

Oh, my God, man. Great. And great for you. An actual representation of a really interesting courtship dynamic.

[Connell Barrett]

Okay. All right.

[Nick Notice]

Recently, good movies. God, man, you're killing me. I don't watch movies anymore.

[Connell Barrett]

Not a movie guy?

[Nick Notice]

I used to be my entire Life. Anything from the 90s, 2000s and 2010s. But as of lately, let's go with Fight Club.

[Connell Barrett]

Okay?

[Nick Notice]

I got nothing else on my mind. Okay. Masculine men trying to find their way in the world. I think it's a good representation of men struggling and probably an unhealthy outlet. Okay, so that resonated.

[Connell Barrett]

If Edward Norton from that movie, his character from that movie came to you asking you for some dating help, what advice would you give Edward Norton from Fight Club?

[Nick Notice]

Oh, my God.

[Connell Barrett]

Besides wear a mouthpiece.

[Nick Notice]

As. Wear a mouthpiece. Care about the person in front of you. It seemed like his relationship with that person, she was very unhealthy, and they were both very toxic. I think if they liked, talked more and instead of. I mean, productively communicate more. Mostly what I remember is they would fight and then hook up and sleep together. Find a middle ground, man. Have a good date night. Talk things out. Understand why she's so tense, why you're so tense.

[Connell Barrett]

Love it.

[Nick Notice]

TV is my jam, man. Tv. I'm gonna go on a tangent. That TV is where it's at for the last few years.

[Connell Barrett]

Hit me. I'm a TV nerd as well. What are you super into? What should everybody watch? Or everybody should check out at least.

[Nick Notice]

An episode of Everybody Should Watch Severance.

[Connell Barrett]

I've never seen it. All right. Yeah.

[Nick Notice]

Oh, my God, man. Incredible. Incredible.

[Connell Barrett]

Okay. Severance. Yeah, I just. I just did the Jackal.

[Nick Notice]

Oh, worth it.

[Connell Barrett]

Really good. Yeah.

[Nick Notice]

Okay.

[Connell Barrett]

Eddie Redmayne. I never knew. Sort of. Okay. I never got into Eddie Redmayne. I never really. Just saw enough. He's such a specific energy, but it's actually just right for this very specific role, and it sucked me right in.

[Nick Notice]

I love it, man.

[Connell Barrett]

I've been binging. I watched every James Bond movie ever made over the last month.

[Nick Notice]

Really nice. I wonder who they're gonna pick, man. I mean, there's all this, like, controversy about the character in itself, but I'm like, whatever. It's a character. It's probably not a great representation of a character, but it's good fun.

[Connell Barrett]

Yeah, it's. They're gonna pick some handsome white British dude, I assume, but just fine. That might be good. I wouldn't mind. They go a different way. Like, there was talk about Idris Elba for a while. There's talk about. Talk about a female James Bond, which in the very last movie, the final one with Daniel Craig, there's actually a. An actress who. Who's in the Jackal. She plays a jackal. The. The Jackal protagonist trying to catch Eddie redmayne. She plays 007, who has replaced a retired James Bond in the last movie. So anyway, they did it in the movie a little bit but they're not going to commit to a hole.

[Nick Notice]

I would love it. I want them to commit to where she's like, amazing at picking up women, too. That would be really subversive, like, totally a player. That would be great.

[Connell Barrett]

Yeah. Watching the woman 007 picking up ladies. Oh, my God. I would be the first one. I'll be the first one in line. Before we roll, I want to talk a little bit about the kind of in person retreats you do. I know you don't have anything coming up for a little while, probably because it's freaking cold as hell in Boston, but I know later this year and you consistently do these in person seminars or that might not be the right term for it. Talk about the retreats, if you would.

[Nick Notice]

Yeah. So generally what we're going to do is we're going to choose a beautiful location, whether, like I said, that's, you know, in Spain or in Portugal or something like that. Usually nicer weather. San Diego. We rent out a mansion or some kind of villa. We get 10 guys or so to live together for five days every day. I'm teaching everything that we talk about here, confidence, flirting, social skills. And then we're usually going out, you know, once or twice a day, during the day and during the evening together to socialize and practice that. So it's very, very. We're doing a lot of theory in there. But like you said, I realized every retreat that went on, it was like, you know, 9010 theory to role play. And then it's just become a lot more role play, a lot more practice, and then going out and doing it. Yeah. And I think it's great. You know, the biggest takeaway is obviously you get to meet a lot of women, you improve your skills there, which is what I think guys come in for. But mostly, whenever I do exit interviews, everyone's like, the friendships I made, the people I got to hang out with, and seeing that they still hang out years later is really amazing.

[Connell Barrett]

That sounds great. I wish I could go back in time as the younger, shy, struggling Connell and take your coaching now. I wish I could time travel. That sounds like a mansion. Five, six days in San Diego, in Spain, talking to women. Oh, my God. And the theory. I always love the Theory, too.

[Nick Notice]

That sounds really cocky, by the way, a mansion. I don't care about the glitzy stuff like that. There's just not a good place. I don't like booking a hotel with 10 different rooms. I think there's something about finding a place that can house everybody to Live together. That makes it really unique.

[Connell Barrett]

Fantastic. We mentioned Your website is nicknotus.com in terms of. Besides your website, is there any place else you think the listeners should go if they want to work with you or just take in more of your insights that you share?

[Nick Notice]

Yeah, if you don't like to read as much YouTube, I've got like 700 videos on there, so just type in Nick Notice. And by playlists, I've got in depth videos on basically everything you can imagine.

[Connell Barrett]

Fantastic. So type nick notice on YouTube. Yeah, right. That's Nick and that's N O T A S. And there will be links in the show notes, of course, for all this. Nick, any parting shots? Other than Connell, you got to go watch Severance.

[Nick Notice]

No, just. I mean, yes. The biggest thing is to connect is human. And anybody who's listening, who doubts themselves for any reason, there's no reason to, you can learn it. It's not that hard. Most of your guys, like mine, are engineers who've got master's degrees. And I tell them it is infinitely harder to learn things that you've done for your career than it is in my mind to do this. It's just about going out and finding small steps to actually go out and try it. So if that's what I can say. I've never met a guy who's done that and not grown and seen success in his life.

[Connell Barrett]

Ditto. You are more than enough. You have so much to offer. Yeah, I know, because I used to think I didn't, and I learned that I do. And I know you felt that way too, to an extent.

[Nick Notice]

For sure.

[Connell Barrett]

Nick Notice. Thanks for being here, man. This is a blast.

[Nick Notice]

Oh, this was my pleasure, man. Anytime.

[Connell Barrett]

Cool. All right. How about tomorrow?

[Nick Notice]

Yeah, let's do it again.

[Connell Barrett]

Fine. Fine. Thank you for listening. I know you have a million podcasts you could be listening to and you just listened to Connell and Nick for an hour. That's badass. Thank you for your time. Don't just make this a podcast you listen to. Go, take action. Apply this. My old coach used to say, connell, for every hour of content you consume, you should go out and take an hour of in real life, action. So whatever your version of that is, go out there, take action, be courageous, be authentic, take some risks, and don't forget your dream girlfriend. She is out there and she is going to love you, but she's going to have to meet that best authentic you. So go out there, Carpe datum, sees the date, till next time.