“Women Want Hot Guys” Is Bullsh*t: How Shekar Went from Self-Doubt to Approaching Confidence (Live Coaching)

Summary

Podcast Summary: “Women Want Hot Guys” Is Bullsh*t: How Shekar Went from Self-Doubt to Approaching Confidence (Live Coaching)

Podcast: How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett
Host: Connell Barrett
Guest: Shekhar (former client, current coaching participant)
Date: May 19, 2026
Episode Theme: Debunking the myth that women only want good-looking men and exploring Shekhar’s journey from self-doubt to confident approaches, including live coaching and practical Q&A.

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Episode Overview

This episode centers on a candid conversation between dating coach Connell Barrett and his client Shekhar, spotlighting how Shekhar broke free from the self-limiting belief that only “hot guys” succeed in dating. Through stories from their in-person boot camp weekend and detailed Q&A, the pair unpack practical, mindset-driven dating strategies. The episode is upbeat, humorous, and densely packed with actionable advice for men seeking to date more authentically and confidently.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Myth-Busting: Do Women Only Want “Hot Guys”?

[01:09 – 03:44]

• Shekhar describes his earlier belief that his looks were a key reason for dating rejection, often reinforced by experiences at speed dating events.
• The boot camp weekend changed this mindset. Observing attractive men also getting rejected made Shekhar realize that looks are not the be-all and end-all.
  • Shekhar: “I've been overemphasizing looks... There's a lot of emphasis on how you feel, how you connect, how you talk, how you present yourself.” [02:47]

2. Boot Camp Highlights and Breakthroughs

[03:44 – 09:58]

• Shekhar and Connell recap standout boot camp moments, including “day game” (approaching women in public during the day) and “night game” (at clubs).
• Introduction of the playful “Hand of God” move to break the ice at nightclubs.
  • Connell: “Good looks are like jacuzzis, overrated. What women are really drawn to is playfulness, confidence, fun.” [03:44]
  • Shekhar: “Every Friday…is reserved for night games. Definitely made that shift.” [08:21]

3. The "Hand of God" Technique

[04:40 – 09:58]

• Described as extending a hand confidently and playfully in a nightclub setting.
• It worked especially well with a woman named Hannah—“a New York City nine”—illustrating how energy and confidence surpassed superficial attraction.
  • Connell: “It’s so over the top arrogant that it’s funny and actually playful…what overrides any woman's mindset…is playful confidence.” [08:34]
  • Shekhar: “That was a game changer for me.” [09:58]

4. “Stump the Coach”: Q&A with Connell Barrett

[11:00 – End] Shekhar quizzes Connell on a range of dating scenarios.

a. Approaching Women at the Gym

[12:03 – 14:45]

• Connell shares that the key is to be genuine and not to use canned lines.
  • Connell: “I just decided to go with the truth… ‘Excuse me, talking to you makes my heart beat faster. So let's call this my cardio workout for the day.’” [12:03]
• Openness and sensible, situation-specific openers are valued over clever or scripted lines.

b. What Makes a Good Opener?

[14:45 – 17:06]

• Social sense is critical—normal, contextual conversation is far superior to weird or forced openers.
  • Connell: “Just being able to have a normal conversation in a normal, sensible way is actually really attractive to women.” [14:45]
• Real-life stories demonstrate how authenticity trumps trying to impress.

c. Breaking the Ice in Challenging Places

[17:06 – 22:52]

• Shekhar recounts an airport baggage claim chat initiated by mutual complaint—a playful, situational opener.
• Connell introduces the “complaint opener” as a surprisingly effective (and authentic) way to connect in context.
  • Connell: “Anything can work as long as it’s normal and relatable to her. The whole point of an approach…is just to start a conversation.” [22:52]

d. Online Dating: Making Conversations Engaging

[23:55 – 26:16]

• Avoid dry, interview-style texting; instead, use playful, personalized questions based on her profile.
  • Connell (reading a client’s text): “‘Big question, Amanda, are you into salty snacks or sweet? Don't say the wrong answer, winky face.’… Flirting is play.” [23:55]

e. Texting Between Dates—Providing Value

[26:16 – 29:37]

• Focus on giving value: sharing fun or meaningful moments, photos, or playful banter.
  • Connell: “Say to yourself, what might make her smile, what might give her a glimpse into my life?” [26:16]

f. When She's Not Bantering Back—What Now?

[33:50 – 35:39]

• Give empathy, try open-ended questions, and sometimes just accept the lack of chemistry.
  • Connell: “Some women struggle with what to say just like we do…You can help her by asking her open ended questions.” [33:50]

g. Personal Development and Attraction

[36:28 – 40:03]

• Improving other areas of life (fitness, finances, friendships) naturally boosts overall attractiveness and dating results.
  • Connell: “The true valuable, attractive self…is always shining through. That’s why I talk so much about authenticity.” [36:28]

h. The Power of Presence

[42:43 – 44:40]

• Connell explains that missing cues is often a mindset gap, not simply inattentiveness. When in doubt, assume interest if a woman is talking to you.
  • Connell: “If she's talking to you, she likes you. Assume she's, or at least she's interested.” [44:40]

i. Self-Love and Self-Acceptance

[48:06 – 50:11]

• Valuing yourself, warts and all, is foundational for genuine confidence. Women can “smell” insecurity.
  • Connell: “We have to tell that voice [of self-doubt] to shut the fuck up. We have work to do. We're looking for love.” [48:06]

j. Connell’s Origin Story as a Dating Coach

[51:38 – 56:08]

• Connell was motivated by a gap in the industry for an authentic, empathetic male dating coach—then pushed into action after being laid off from journalism.
  • Connell: “I think this world needs somebody with heart and brains and humility, but also confidence…who isn’t just trying to get laid.” [51:38]

k. Does City or Geography Matter in Dating?

[60:11 – 64:40]

• Geography has little real effect; confidence and reference experiences matter more. New contexts may feel awkward due to unfamiliarity, not tougher dating pools.
  • Connell: “Your brain sends out these signals that, oh, LA is not my…it's an away game, it's not a home game…That affects things like your voice, your confidence.” [60:11]

l. Beyond Improv: Staying Playful and Emotional

[66:04 – 77:14]

• Improv is great for building spontaneity, but presence is key. Ask questions, listen, and riff off her answers to create emotion and fun.
• The episode wraps with a live, in-character improv to model these techniques in action.
  • Connell (on improv): “We're creating this little work of art and the organic present conversation is the clay.” [75:03]

5. Final Takeaway: Action Over Information

[81:22 – End]

• Shekhar’s advice to listeners:
  • Don’t worry about what bystanders think (“what other people think of me is not my business”)
  • Take action—approach, get rejected, learn, repeat
  • Invest in yourself (time, money, effort) for lasting dating growth
• Connell echoes this by cautioning against “seminar junkie” syndrome—consume info, but go out and act.
  • Connell: “For every hour of content you consume, go out and take an hour of action. The one to one rule.” [84:49]

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• Connell: “Good looks are like jacuzzis, overrated. What women are really drawn to is playfulness, confidence, fun.” [03:44]
• Shekhar: “There was this really good looking girl, Hannah… she vibed with us…That's the highlight of the boot camp.” [07:05]
• Connell: “What's creepy is to stare at her for 37 minutes trying to think of what to say.” [12:03]
• Shekhar: “Even in that moment where things are really frustrating, I was able to still make somebody give some value to somebody.” [20:46]
• Connell: “Anything can work as long as it’s normal and relatable to her. The whole point of an approach…is just to start a conversation.” [22:52]
• Connell: “Just being able to have a normal conversation in a normal, sensible way is actually really attractive to women.” [14:45]
• Shekhar: “If you don't invest in yourself…you have to say yes to anybody who walks in and next thing you know you're just signing your…stuff away.” [79:16]

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Boot Camp Insights / Breaking Looks Myth: 01:09 – 09:58
• How to Approach at the Gym: 12:03 – 14:45
• Principles of Good Openers: 14:45 – 17:06
• Situational Openers and Value: 17:06 – 22:52
• Texting & Online Banter: 23:55 – 35:39
• Self-Improvement & Confidence: 36:28 – 40:03
• Understanding (and Assuming) Interest: 42:43 – 44:40
• Self-Love Importance: 48:06 – 50:11
• Connell’s Journey to Coaching: 51:38 – 56:08
• Geography & Context in Dating: 60:11 – 64:40
• Live Improv Demonstration: 67:33 – 77:14
• Action Over Theory / Final Advice: 81:22 – End

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Tone & Style

The tone is informal, funny, and deeply practical, with Connell frequently joking and self-deprecating while championing “radical authenticity.” Shekhar is earnest, insightful, and self-reflective, offering the perspective of a man actively undergoing transformation.

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For Listeners Who Haven’t Tuned In

If you’ve ever wondered whether looks are your main barrier in dating, how to actually talk to women anywhere, or if you’re just tired of being stuck in “learning mode,” this episode is both myth-busting and empowering. Through honest coaching exchanges, real-life stories, and live demonstrations, Connell and Shekhar show how authenticity, presence, and playful action matter far more than superficial traits or one-liners—and how anyone can spark connection if they’re willing to show up and try.

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Action Step:
Stop consuming and start doing—whether that’s a small hello at a coffee shop or booking Connell’s boot camp, the results are out in the wild, not in the theory.

Transcript

[A]

That's the place. That's the hot place. That's the health club of 2026. How to pick up women at the DMV.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Hey, can I rotate your tires for you, if you know what I mean? Welcome back to the how to Get a Girlfriend podcast. I'm your host, dating coach and author, Connell Barrett. I am here to help you flirt like you mean it with authenticity, to always know what to say to attract some wonderful women into your life and get a great girlfriend. And I'm joined today by a very special guest. He is a former client, kind of still a client. The amazing Shekhar is here. Shekhar came to New York City recently. He flew here to New York and we spent a whole weekend together doing what I call the wingman weekend or the boot camp. Approaching dozens of women together here in New York. We've been working together for a while and he's made some pretty amazing breakthroughs. Welcome to the podcast, Shekhar.

[B]

Thank you. Thank you, Coach Connell.

[A]

Did I say your name? Did I, did I mess up your name?

[B]

No, it is Shekhar. You got it right. And yeah, I had a really wonderful time in the, in the boot camp in New York City. And yeah, we did both the day game and night game. We, we approached folks in Barnes and Nobles and also nightclub and also malls. And that was really helpful. One major takeaway was so I had this struggle, right? I was thinking, you know what, this looks is really a major eliminator for me. So the eliminate women just don't connect with me because of my looks. But then we were in the nightclub and then I was getting, there were times when I was getting rejected, but also all the other good looking guys in our, in that session was also getting rejected along with me. And when I saw that, I was like, hey, you know what? I've been over emphasizing looks and that kind of turned the, it kind of helped me make a U turn in terms of my belief. And you've always, during our training sessions, you've always talked about it that, hey, don't overemphasize on looks. I found it hard to believe. But during our day game and the night game during the boot camp, I was able to kind of believe it. I was able to make that leap. So, yeah, had a great time beginning

[A]

before the weekend started, what was your feeling and belief about good looks and what women want? What was it before and what was your belief afterwards?

[B]

So before that I used to go to these speed dating events and then you just stand there and then this like 22 minute conversation and then I don't get matched. And then I'm like, hey, maybe it's my looks. Maybe there's a lot of emphasis on looks. Looks can put somebody way ahead. So that was the mindset. And of course, if there is a, if there's another guy walking around there, I thought, I will always think, hey, that should be the husband. And he's going to be chasing me. He's going to chase me around with a matchet. So. But then after the boot camp, the looks thing was broke off that belief, that belief was gone. I started. I'm, I'm starting to know that it's not the looks. I'm overemphasizing the looks. It's, there's a lot of emphasis towards how you feel, how you connect, how you talk, how you present yourself. There's a lot of emphasis there. So that was a major change for me.

[A]

Awesome. Hold your thought. That was great. So for the listener, I do these wingman weekends, AKA boot camps, and it's Shekhar, myself, one or two other clients came out and joined us and basically it's, let's approach dozens of women in nightclubs, in coffee shops. We went to clothing stores, we went to a bookstore. And basically I just want to help men walk up to women and teach guys that look, good looks, it's nice if you have them, but good looks are like jacuzzis, overrated. Good if you have them, but overrated. What women are really drawn to is playfulness, confidence, fun, and tell the listener. Can you pinpoint one or two moments from the weekend where you realized, oh, wait a minute, it's not about looks, it's about something else.

[B]

So we were doing the approaches in the nightclub and then you showed me the hand of God and that kind of.

[A]

The hand of God.

[B]

Yeah, it kind of energetically transmuted something. Okay, this is how you kind of behave and tell the audience.

[A]

The audience has no idea what the hand of God is.

[B]

The hand of God is. You just reach out and go all in. Go all in, no hesitation. And then you, you kind of bring out that partially censored 16 year old self inside you and have that vibe and then give her a big smile and then reach your hand out to her so that she can hold your hand. Or she's, she's gonna be, she's gonna smile at you and she's going, she might say what? Yeah. And then you again say something like, hope I'm getting it right that way.

[A]

Well, this is a. Not that many people can see you.

[B]

Okay. Yeah.

[A]

Okay. Basically, let me try to paint a picture here. So imagine Michelangelo's Sistine Chapel, right? There's the pinnacle moment in the painting is God is putting his hand down to earth and touching Adam's hand. And so the hand of God is a nighttime nightclub approach move that one of my old coaches taught me over a decade ago, gosh, 15 years ago maybe. And you, you simply tap a woman on the shoulder at a club. It needs to be at a bar or club, a lively place at night, and you extend your hand all the way. And you extend your hand and you look at her and you make it over the top. Arrogant. That's why it's called the Hand of God. It's not the hand of Connell, it's not the hand of Shakar, it's the Hand of God. It's a false arrogance, it's playful, it's silly. And you just tap a woman and put your hand out and tell our listener what happened when you started giving women the hand of God at the, at the Ripple Room in New York City.

[B]

Nobody ever rejected it, at least from the ones that I can think of. There's only, Everybody held my hand except this, this one really good looking girl. She said, hey, I have my Uber. And she was literally on the phone with her Uber guy, right? And then really the best thing that happened was there was this really good looking girl, Hannah. And he held my. Yeah, Hannah. I remember Hannah.

[A]

I was like, hannah's a New York City nine, by the way.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, she was really good looking and she held my hand. Good personality. I could feel the good vibe because when you approach you in bars, you can kind of feel their vibrant. It's really good, it's really mean and it's really good. And then there's somebody in between. So I could get a really good vibe. And I think we showed her my really weird dance move and she kind of danced to it and we had like a good four, five minute warm conversation in that music. And then we kind of talked for a bit. So that was a game changer for me. I was like, okay, so now this is the inner situation that I have to create when I go to the night games. When I, when I go to a bar or a night game, location, a pub like, or a dance club like location. So that really changed. And after that, I'm. Every Friday I go to a, a club or a bar. I've never done. I, I always, whenever we go, whenever during our coaching sessions and all, I'll always Say, hey, just train me for the day game. Because that's all I do. I don't drink that much, so I don't go out. But then once I figured that out, I was like, hey, maybe I have to go to a bar. I have to go to clubs. And every Friday, an hour, a little more than an hour is reserved for night games. So definitely made that shift. So that amazing. I love it.

[A]

Yeah. What I love about the hand of God, it's. It's so hard to. To. To describe it on a podcast. You have to do it. You have to see it, but it's pure fun and confidence. So because you're extending your hand to a woman you've never met before, acting like, take my hand, young, young human. I am, I am, I am Lord. I am your Lord. It's over the top. It's so over the top arrogant that it's funny and actually playful. And that's. I think that's what I told you is like this. The reason it works is not because you put your hand out. It's because you're combining these two superpowers together. Playfulness and confidence. That is what overrides any woman's mindset cognitive system that says, I must be with a man who is six, three, six pack abs, this much money. That, no, she. She doesn't believe that when a cool, fun, silly guy in a cool leather jacket is putting his hand out to her. Hannah was the hottest girl I saw that night, and she got super into you, and all you did was playful confidence. It was so inspiring. So I was a little jealous. I had a girlfriend at that moment. I was like, I want to talk to Hannah.

[B]

Yeah. And she did that leg move that week. It was really absurd. She did that dance move. So that was also funny. And, yeah, she vibed with us. It was definitely a game changer as to how I should be, how I should maintain that internal situation. So it taught me that. So that was. That's the highlight of the boot camp.

[A]

Awesome. That was an amazing moment. Sometimes it can take that moment. So today's episode, with your good self as my guest, we decided to call this Stump the Coach. Ask me anything. You prepared several questions all over the map. Everything from approaching to improv classes, which you've started to take. And there were texting questions, dating questions. Basically, no holds barred. It's your episode. Try to stump me. See if there's anything that I can't answer or can't help you with. Keep going. Fire away, bro. I'm here to Serve.

[B]

Sure, sure. Yeah. So when it comes to day game, right, I love coffee shops. If I go to Starbucks right now, my average when it comes to going over and talking to women is in two days, I'll do at least one approach. So if there is a good looking girl or a girl there, I'll always make sure that I go say something, at least compliment. If nothing is coming to my mind, I can do that in Whole Foods. I can. It's very, very easy in a coffee shop because I love coffee shops. I go there all the time. But one place where I have struggled and I go all the time is gyms. Couple of reasons. One, they have their headphones on and they are really focused, and then some of them are like grunting and then really focused to have their headphones on. And it's a place where everybody is focused at least for that 90 minutes or an hour. So how, as a guy, how can I approach women in gym without sounding weird or creepy or making her uncomfortable? Right. So can you give me some tips and tricks to approaching women in gyms?

[A]

Well, long before I became a dating coach, I was terrified to talk to women at the gym. I just didn't want to be that creepy guy who walked up and was like, hey, I've been noticing your form for weeks. And I remember one day at Equinox, I see this gal, Gadot doppelganger, doing crunching, doing her crunches, Doppel Godot. And I'm looking at her. I'm walking on this oval track for like 37 minutes, constantly glancing her away, thinking, what do I say? What do I say? What's the right line? What's the cool line? And finally, I just decided to go with the truth. So I approached her and I said exactly what I was thinking and feeling. I walked over and I said, excuse me, talking to you makes my heart beat faster. So let's call this my cardio workout for the day. I discovered this perfect line not by planning a line, but by speaking my authentic truth. She giggled, she blushed, and I had her phone number. A few minutes later, me, a nerdy shy ginger, had the most beautiful woman in the gym giving me her number. I felt superhuman. Now she did ghost me. That's a tale for another podcast, another moment. But my big lesson was it is not creepy to meet women at the gym. What's creepy is to stare at her for 37 minutes trying to think of what to say. What's creepy is to use like a canned, weird pickup line that makes no sense. But you just Walk up, you speak a G rated truth and the chips are going to fall where they may.

[B]

And yeah, that was a really interesting. I would still call it a situational opener. Right. Something that I've always wondered, how important is saying something sensible? Or should we take an approach where, hey, you know what, I'm going to feel good and I'll just say whatever comes to my mind at that time. As long as I'm saying with no awkwardness or as long as I'm saying something, as long as I'm not saying something really weird, as long as I say something that comes to my mind and I feel good and I kind of maintain a relaxed vibe, I'm good. So what? So how much emphasis will you give to what's being said? The exact words? Because the opener that you gave was like, it's relaxed, it's fun, it kind of makes somebody feel good. It provides value. At the same time, you're not waiting for this sensible, the most sensible line in the world.

[A]

Right?

[B]

Sensible opener in the world.

[A]

So you want it to sound normal and genuine. As long as it makes social sense to her, you'll be fine. You'll be 99% creep free. I was being genuine and vulnerable and she loved it. And most women are not looking for the perfect fancy cool line, but they're also weeding out strange. They don't like strange. They don't like socially aberrant. And that's what happens when you use like a scripted, weird pickup line that makes no sense in that context. My girlfriend Jess and I were out once at the, at a rooftop bar. And we didn't go there when you came to New York, but it's called the Brass Monkey. And we went to the Brass Monkey rooftop bar and I left Jess alone to fend for herself because I was with clients helping them approach women. And she was gone for two minutes. Leave a cute girl by herself alone, the wolves come in. And this guy approached her and he came up and said, hey, I'm a pirate. I'm Pirate Harold and I'm looking for my treasure. Will you help me find my treasure? And she looked at him and she was like, oh, poor baby. That, that's not going to work. You need to talk to my boyfriend. And God bless the guy. I, I don't begrudge the guy at all. My girlfriend's gorgeous. I would like to think I would have approached her back in the day. But this weird, it wasn't a funny line. It was, it was just strange. It made no sense. So it doesn't have to be fancy, but it does need to be. I like the word you used, sensible. It's not a sexy word, but it really works because women just want a normal guy who can come up and have a normal conversation. Just being able to have a normal conversation in a normal, sensible way is actually really attractive to women. Because most guys, hearts are pounding like a drum in their chest and they're like, oh, say the cool line. Do the thing to impress her. It comes off as weird. If you could just be normal for 2, 3, 4, 5 minutes, a woman's going to be like, here's my number. Thank you for being a normal man. That's all I want.

[B]

Yeah, that's true. That's true. And one approach that I did that comes to my mind is I think on Monday, I was at the baggage terminal in the airport, in the Sacramento airport, and they were throwing everybody's bag. And we could hear it outside. They were literally throwing our bags, right? And my bag was thrown. And then they threw a bigger, larger bag on top of my bag. When I saw that, I was like, I really got frustrated. Right. Okay. They messed up my bag. It's in a different shape now. Maybe my laptop is broken. I was like, oh. And then I was like turning around in frustration. And then I saw a beautiful girl just standing by herself. And I just asked her, hey, do you hear that sound? And she was wearing a headphone. And then she kind of took that out. Yeah. What's that? That's our bag getting thrown out. Did you see my bag? And my bag was completely bent out of ship. She started to laugh and we had this warm two minute conversation. So, yeah. So I was like, okay, this is reasonably sensible thing to say. Hey, do you hear that sound? They're throwing our bags. And I got a, I got a laugh out of it. And we spoke for like a minute or two. A, two good minutes. So I was like, okay.

[A]

When you want to break the ice with a woman, you have three choices. This will be familiar to you from our weekend. A, give her a G rated compliment. B, ask her a question that makes sense. C, make an observation and call out the observation. This always tells you what to say. And you did. Actually, you did. C, blended with B. You observed audibly the sound of your bags being abused by the people at the airline and you turned it into a. B, A question totally made sense to her. That's. What is she going to do? Say, why are you talking to me about our bags? What? It's, it's 99.9 rejection proof. The only way she would reject you is if she just, I don't know, got a text from her mom that her dog died or something and she didn't want to be talked to at all. But yeah, normal. Just whatever the situation is. You want to talk to that woman, ask yourself, what's a compliment? What's a question, or what's an observation about what's happening around us or with her? And you went with B. Sorry, C, observation. And then you turned it into a question. Makes total sense.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's true. That's. That's. Yeah, those three points are good. Either an observation or a G rated compliment or a question.

[A]

Now, what did you talk about after that? Do you remember?

[B]

We had a warm two minute conversation and then she. And she was like, yeah, are they throwing. Are they throwing our luggage? Oh, my God, that's bad. And she was laughing about it. And. And she was like, I hope. Hope they do something about your luggage or hope they'll fix your situation. She said something like that. So that was like our quick two minute chat. But I got a good reaction. I got her chuckling a little bit. She did give a smile. She was cracking up when she saw the shape of my bag. And she was. There's also some concern, oh, my God, what's. What are they doing to my bag? And plus a little bit of all that. But I did know that, okay, even in that moment where things are really frustrating, I got really frustrated because the laptop was inside. Even in that moment, I was able to still make somebody give some value to somebody. So I felt, hey, makes me feel

[A]

good, you know, a weirdly good opener. You kind of did this. You did something. It's almost like advanced. I heard this from another dating expert once. He said, you know, this is more of a New York thing, but, you know, maybe it's a big city thing. You complain. You complain to her about something happening. I had a client, I was talking to him about the com. The complaint opener, which I don't normally teach people, but he was kind of a grumpy guy. And I said, you know what? You're kind of a grumpy Gus. It was joking, it was jovial. And I said, feel free to complain when you find yourself around a woman about something happening. Three days later, he texts me. He's at a Starbucks. There's a long line, there's a woman in front of him taking forever. And he complains to the cute woman next to him. He's like, oh, why do people take so long to order their coffee? I want my caffeine. It's so annoying. And the woman was like, I know, right? I gotta be at work. Why is this woman taking so long? So the two of them are commiserating about the slowpoke woman who's ordering the double triple mocha, decaffeinated, half a chino. And changing her order. They clicked over. Complaining, like, talk about being yourself and being authentic and vulnerable. Yeah, why not? Anything can work as long as it's normal and relatable to her. The whole point of an approach. Sorry, the icebreaker. The whole point of it is just to start a conversation. You don't have to create attraction, be man to woman, blah, blah, blah. Bonus points if you do. But the bare minimum is, let me just be talking to this lovely woman and see what our chemistry is like, because that's the door that can open to romance. So try. Try this at home. Do the compl. Do the complain. The bitching and moaning complaining opener and see how it goes.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

How to pick up girls at the DMV by Connell Barrett.

[B]

Yeah, that's not. We don't have that. Five other guys approaching her in DMVs. Right?

[A]

So that's the place. That's the hot place. That's the health club of 2026. How to pick up women at the DMV.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Hey, can I rotate your tires for you, if you know what I mean.

[B]

So another question that comes to my mind, right, So I have hinge. I'm on Hinge. And you can't send pictures after you match, so you have to get. Get to the point where you have to go to the. You get her phone number or Instagram and then you can start sending out these pictures. But then my. My brain goes dead when messaging women on dating apps once we match. And how do I keep the conversations going as opposed to just asking these David Letterman type interview questions? How to make the conversation juicy and

[A]

such a common question. So my client, Matt has also been battling that. Just yesterday he sent me a text. I have it hold. I'll read it to you. This is what Matt texted me yesterday. Connell. I had an aha moment. Ask women fun questions, not boring questions. So he matched with this woman named Amanda. And her profile mentioned snacks. So Matt wrote her quote, big question, Amanda, are you into salty snacks or sweet? Don't say the wrong answer, winky face. And she replied within two minutes. Oh, I'm a sweets girl. Matthew winky face emoji. So flirting is this simple? Flirting is play. It's not fancy, cool lines. It's play. And it can be as simple as asking if a question in a light, playful, flirtatious way. And now I'm craving Oreos for some reason.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's true.

[A]

Are you a sweet, are you a sweets boy or a salty boy? Shakar, I'm flirting with you right now.

[B]

A little bit of both. Sweet and salty. Yeah. And. And I've seen your content. Right. You also come up with all these value messages. For example, you, you talk about sending a picture of your coffee and your bagel in New York bagels that you're having in the morning.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Hey, I'm doing this. So that really worked out for me. So can. And you, you also talked about you and especially when it comes to two dates. And then there's a week in between because you are working and she's working or like five days in between to kind of maintain that chemistry. Right. So can you give the audience a couple of tips as to how to text so that you don't look too needy? At the same time, you're also providing value and you are there in her ecosystem, in her vicinity. So how do we do that, especially in between dates?

[A]

Pretty much every text message falls into one of two categories. It's either seeking to give value to her or seeking to take the value that you want. Asking her out or asking for some kind of validation. So we want to mainly remove ask texts other than asking for a date, which is the one exception, you must ask her for a date. You have to, otherwise you'll never get one. Other than that, we mostly want to give. How do we give? Keep it really simple. Say to yourself what might make her smile, what might give her a glimpse into my life. What might. What matters to her? So, for example, let's say you know a woman from her Hinge profile. You know she loves dogs. Then you could send her a 10 second video of your dog doing a backflip. Or I have two cats. If I was single and dating and I met another cat mom or dog mom, I would send her images of my, my little tabbies, my little Garfields. And I'd say, I bet my cat can beat kick your dog's butt. So I'm giving her value, giving her emotional value or asking her questions about something she cares about. That's a great way to give value. The way my client Matt gave value to Amanda on Hinge is he just asked her a playful, fun question about something she cares about. Snacks. The simplest Thing in the world. That's what banter is. Banter is flirty. Banter is light conversation about a light topic that she cares about. Maybe it's bagels, maybe it's, maybe it's salt and sweet snacks. Her profile will tell you what it is. And if you've met her in person, you'll need to find out on your own. Value messages are basically, ask yourself what might make her smile. So here's a little pop quiz for you, Shekhar. Let's say you needed to send a value text to a cute girl you just met yesterday. You talked to her at a coffee shop, you got her number. You found out that she is an attorney. She loves skiing and Italian food, loves dogs, hates cats. What value text might you send this woman?

[B]

If I see a really cute dog, I might send a photo of that or, like, a funny dog video. I might send that.

[A]

Nice.

[B]

And since she's an attorney, I would be like, hey, during our first date, are you gonna give me some empathy or are you gonna really ask me some pointed questions with specific facts that I shouldn't mess up? Okay, so kind of banter around that. Because attorneys are like, they, they need facts. I, I, I've worked with so many attorneys in my life, in my, in my job, so they're really strict to the point there's no gray area. So I'll kind of banter around with that. So would you be sympathetic to my gray area responses?

[A]

So here's where I think your, your improv training might be beginning to show, because you're asking yourself, okay, what do I know about attorneys? What can I. Yes. And in improv parlance, I was thinking, if I'm dating or how if I'm messaging with a cute attorney, I'm thinking, oh, hey, let's say her name is Emily. Hey, Emily, I'm excited for our date tomorrow. Do I have to swear on a Bible that I'm going to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth before we talk? You know, before our date? Or I might think so. That would be a bantery, jokey way. That's very Connell. Or here's a sincere way. You might give value to this hypothetical cute lady lawyer. You might say, I'm curious. Oh, here's a really, a good way to give value is make her an expert. Ask her questions, and make her an expert. You might give cute lady lawyer a text message that says, oh, I'm curious. TV shows like Law and Order, are those shows, how do you feel about those shows? Do they get lawyer. Being an attorney, right or wrong, you, you let her be an. Everybody loves being an expert, right? I get to be an expert. For this hour, I'm Mr. Expert Dating Coach. It feels great. Make a woman feel good, she'll feel good about being with you. So you're giving value to her so that you get value. You get her wanting to see you again. I matched with a beautiful. Matched and dated many years ago, a beautiful sommelier wine expert named Mia. And I'm just, I didn't. I was kind of in my head a little bit about, oh, what do I send her? For the first message, there wasn't anything. There wasn't a lot of banter and jokiness, which is my flirting style. But then I'm like, oh, wait a minute, she's a sommelier. I just said, hey, Mia, desert island. You can have one bottle of wine, one kind of wine to drink for the rest of your life. You can have 10 cases of it, but one kind. What wine label do you bring? Oh, my gosh. Did she have an answer for me? She explained what wine and why. So, yeah, lots of ways to give value. The trick is don't try to think of the perfect way. Just ask yourself a simple question. What might make her smile or what might make her feel good?

[B]

Understood? Yeah. Yeah, that's, that's, that is something that I'll keep in mind when my hinge conversation is dry. And, and it's also a way, I feel, to check if the girl is really interested in you, especially in hinge, something that I've noticed. If you really banter with her, if you really send her some value messages and she's still sending out one word answers, the responses coming after like 10 hours. From my experience, the first date is. Goes. The first date is very dry. But in the case where they are bantering back with you, even on the first date, even if I don't know what to speak next, they kind of lead the conversation and they start asking all the questions or they start saying something silly and then it goes, well, it all comes down to, are they bantering with you initially? When you banter, do they kind of jump in on the wagon and kind of reciprocate or are they still giving out those one word answers? I've had many incidents where the banter is not happening. I try to make it happen. Maybe I'm not really good at it. Maybe it's not connecting. Maybe they are not as interested as I want them to be. And then I kind of invite them to A miniature golf first date and then it's like dead soil. But then when they do banter, you could take them, I can take them to a coffee shop or a walk or a miniature golf. The date is really, really good. So I was. So I've noticed if they banter back, that's an indication that, hey, you know what, she's interested in you and you're gonna have a good time on the first date. So bring your A game. So that is something that, that I've noticed.

[A]

I'm the same way. I always clicked best with women who love to banter. In fact, that's my girlfriend. She's. Our banter was off the charts when we first met. Two of the loves of my life from years past, very big bantery women. That's partially how we connected and clicked. So banter is great. If you like banter and she likes banter, things will be great. What you can consider, what you can try to do is if she's giving you those one word answers and you're trying to help her banter, a little bit of empathy and a little bit of help might assist you. So not that you don't have empathy, but instead some guys might be like, ah, why do, why are women such a pain? Give me one word answers. Well, she might not know what to say either. Some women struggle with what to say just like we do. They're just people. Women are just people, just like us. And you can help her or try to by asking her open ended questions as opposed to yes or no questions. By open ended, I mean why did you become an attorney? Or tell me about your best moment as an attorney as opposed to how long have you been an attorney? Or do you like it? So asking open ended questions, Asking questions. Just asking the word why. Oh. Or why. Why do you love skydiving? Or why did you move to XYZ town? Just asking questions that make it easy for her to open up a little bit. And you can always say after you've tried a few times, you can always turn the tables and say, what would you like to know about me?

[B]

Yeah, that's a, that's. I'm gonna use that in one of my dry dates. I'm gonna use that when the time is right. Yeah, that's good, that's a good way of question.

[A]

Would you like to ask me? Ask me anything like I'm doing with you today. Ask me anything.

[B]

True, true. And another question that comes to my mind, right, this is more of an inner game stuff that I always wanted to ask you, okay, what's the importance of handling other areas of life well, and what's the impact of that in dating, relationships and also approaching other areas, meaning your health, your friend relationships, your clicks, your job, your career, and how comfortable are you financially and otherwise? And maybe how perceptive you are, that spiritual stuff, if you are into that kind of stuff. So how important is other areas of life when it comes to dating and approaching?

[A]

None of those areas matter. All you need are six pack abs and a lot of money. That's all it takes. Next question. Anything else? Just be really rich and be a fake alpha male. They love, they love that. Show her who's boss. That's what you got to do. All those things are very important. Women love a man who is constantly trying to just be a better version of himself. It's one of those human needs. You know, we're always, we're all, well, we're not all doing this, but I believe we should all be trying to evolve and improve and grow in all areas of life. And the more you improve your fitness, your mental fitness, physical fitness, your finances, your intelligence, developing your humor, constantly working on yourself, that just makes you so much more attractive to women. You can't help it. The true valuable, attractive self or lack thereof, it's always shining through, it's always coming out. That's why I talk so much about authenticity. It's like a light that's shining brightly or dimly, depending on how much work you've done on yourself. So let's do a lot of work on ourselves because then you can't contain all the, the warmth and jokes and love and heart. It's just coming out of your toes and your mouth and your eyes. She can just see that light in your eyes. I remember I started working on my dating life in 2005 and, and hired my first coach in 2009. Hold on, I'm gonna see if I can get my cat to sit on my lap. Oh, no, never mind. He's gonna jump off the table. Never mind. And when I first got it right.

[B]

So you were in your 30s when you. Yeah. Started working. Okay, cool.

[A]

Yeah, just like I was 35. And I said, all right, I gotta figure this out. I, I gotta learn the cool lines, I gotta learn the cool negs, wear the crazy outfits that people were talking about in 2005, you know, the Game was a big best selling book. And so I dated a lot over the following several years. And at the same time, because I've always been somebody who tried to evolve and Grow. To me, life's about growing and improving. I took trips to Italy, I worked on my fitness, I learned Italian, I traveled. I worked so hard on my career to get stable and somewhat successful in my journalism career. And all of that was emanating out, I think, on dates, because I got to, instead of straining for something to talk about, I could talk about, oh yeah, I just got back from Italy and seeing Florence for the first time and telling those stories, right? Not to impress her, but just to. That's just part of who I am. So, yes, all those things. Tony Robbins has a good line. I don't think he invented this, but the acronym is Can I C A N I. Constant and never ending improvement. We're constantly and never endingly growing, evolving, or at least I think we should be. And I think that's the way to be fulfilled. One of the ways to be fulfilled is always growing, always improving. And it's also attractive as hell to women. Women love a man who is working on himself, or at least they like to see the result of who he is and who, who he's becoming. So yeah, all those things are connected.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah, that is something that I've noticed as well. And generally when, when I was able to take care of all the other stuff the way I want to take it, the way I wanted to take care of it, in terms of survival, health, fitness, the way I eat and how much I do yoga and meditation. So once I took care of it the way I wanted to take care of it, I think dating got better. I was able to meet more people, feel better. So that is something that I've experienced. And another question that comes to my mind, this is another one of those inner game stuff, right? How important is being present? So I was doing one of these Friday evening night games. I went in, I went to a laid back bar, and then immediately I opened up to a girl who was sitting down all by herself. We had like a good 10 minute conversation. It was two way conversation. So I felt good in the bar, right? And I just ordered some drinks and I was just sitting there and then there was this lady who came and there was a guy next to me who was talking to me. She asked him, him, hey, is that your friend? Is that your friend? And that guy was like. And he was talking to so many other people, so he wasn't able to kind of reciprocate and say yes or no. And then I was, I just went to the restroom and I was about to leave, right? And the lady came to me and said, hey, I just saw your bag of chips and I wanted to go have, I wanted to take a bite over. I wanted to take one or two. I was like, yeah, cool, you can have the bag of chips. Cool, cool. I was, hey, have a nice evening. And I left. And I was, and then as I was leaving I was like, oh, she was trying to talk to me and because she actually literally walked up to the guy who was sitting right next to me because he was really being OK and said, is that your friend? Two times. And I completely missed it because I wasn't present because I was happy that I spoke to this one girl. It's a good 10 minute warm two way conversation. So I was like, hey, I got this Friday evening connection check, mark checked. So I was happy and my brain didn't even understand that she's trying to talk to me and maybe have a good conversation with me. And my response was yeah, of course you can have the bag of chips. Yeah, cool. I just said, hey, have a nice evening guys. And I left. And as I was walking out I was like, what a stupid guy am I? So what's the importance of being present when it comes to approaching women and when it comes to relationships and dating as well? So how important is being present in the moment?

[A]

I'm sorry, I wasn't listening. What? Just kidding, kidding. I. I'll talk about presence in a moment. I don't think lack of presence was your problem there. Your problem. Problem's not the right word. But your issue there wasn't lack of presence. I don't think it was more a little blind spot about what it means when a woman is talking to you about something that seems, seems trivial, but she's talking to you. I think your little blind spot was, oh, wait a minute, I didn't know she wasn't talking about chips. She was probably interested in me. And whether she was or wasn't, you want to believe that because that thought and belief is going to keep you talking to that attractive woman who might then soon become attracted to you. So I don't think it wasn't that you weren't present. I think maybe you didn't realize a really simple truth. If she's talking to you, she likes you. Assume she's, or at least she's interested and then keep talking to attractive, interesting woman until you find out there's a chemistry and you're into each other. Or maybe there's not and that's fine too. I don't think it was a lack of presence. I Think you just maybe hadn't learned that little lesson, that little blind spot? Do you think that's probable?

[B]

Yeah. Yeah, maybe.

[A]

Because that's not a super clear signal. She. She wasn't, like, winking and licking her lips and twirling her hair. She was talking about chips. It would have been easy to miss that.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. At least she wanted to. I would say I know for a fact that at least she wanted to talk to me for a bit and just have a conversation for me for a fact. Conversation with me for a fact. And I know for a. I can kind of see for a fact that the chips was just a way of starting that conversation, so.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

She's talking to you. She likes you. That's what. Even if it's not always true, believing it and acting as if will make it true, at least. Because women. The beautiful thing about what women are attracted to is a lot of guys think, oh, well, women are like men. Either she's attracted to me because I'm hot or she's not. No. God bless women. They're not like us. They're not shallow like me. They're not instantly like, are you hot? Let's go. Are you not. No, thanks. That's me. I'm the most shallow person in the world. I am Lake Erie. No, that's not shallow. That's flat. Women aren't like that. Women are more like a dimmer switch. She might just be talking to you about chips at first and interested because, hey, she's kind of out to socialize. But then you guys hit it off, and she finds out, no way. You do yoga, you work in California, or you're traveling, you're doing this, you're doing that. And then she might become attracted to you. Women get attracted to our social signals that men give much more than our abs or our height or our skin color. So give those really positive social signals. Authenticity, confidence, playfulness, making her feel those things that we want women to feel. And she might start off talking about chips with you, and 10 minutes later, it's getting flirty and more connected, and then something good will happen. I learned a really good lesson on a New York City subway when something very rare happened to me 15 years ago. A woman approached me. Cole approached me, which didn't happen very often. I'm on the subway, and this really pretty girl next door, brunette, turned to me on the subway, and she said, hey, do you hear the conductor's accent? It's. I think it might be Jamaican. Do you know what accent it is? But she was smiling, she was kind of giving me eyes and like a big warm smile. And she was pretty and she was roughly my age, age appropriate. And I could just tell. And I thought. And by then I'd already had some coaching and I realized, oh, I think she's just trying to break the ice. And it wasn't a super flirtatious thing. She just didn't know what to say. So she went with the. What accent is the conductor using? So, yeah, I think the woman who wanted to talk about chips was probably like, I don't know what to say to this cool guy. I want to talk about chips and see what happens.

[B]

Yeah. Which is still sensible, still something. There's still an observation. And yeah, it made me feel good. Hey, someone please want to talk to me? So she did add value. And yeah. So next question that I have is, this is something that I always wanted to ask you, right? So what is the importance of self love and self acceptance in terms of looks, character, where you are at life when it comes to work? That acceptance, that self love and that self acceptance. And what's the impact of that when it comes to connecting with women and how they respond to your approach or on dates when you have that self acceptance, that self love. So how does that impact dating and approaching and so on?

[A]

It's so important to know love and accept yourself for who you are today. Accomplished, kind, caring, smart, ambitious, fun, funny, big hearted, all the things you are. And it's so important to not just accept those things, but to remind yourself literally every day, here's why everybody, every man walks through this world, every single man walks through this world with this little voice that's trying to hold him back. That voice of self doubt, the lower self, I call it. And it says things like, ugh, you're too short, your skin is too brown, or too black or too freckly, too gingery. In my case, you're not blank enough. And so we have to tell that voice to shut the fuck up. We have work to do. We're looking for love. And to find love, to find incredible love, it's hard to find that unless you have a pretty high level of confidence and worth in yourself. So we have to believe it, see it, feel it, and not just notice it. Accept ourselves, but focus on it and remind ourselves every day so we can feel that sense of worth. Because man, women can smell self doubt insecurity on a guy, like too much Axe body spray, like bo and it's hard to cover that up. And so I say, don't try to cover it up, try to get rid of it. Take a confident shower every day, scrub up really hard. So you want to always, you want to understand and love yourself and focus on it so you can remind yourself, oh yeah, every day I'm reminding yourself what you're worth. Because if you don't feel it, how is that woman going to feel it?

[B]

Yes, that's true. That's true. And even in my life to really accept myself and to really get to the point where I'm able to have some self love, it took me, it took me 31 years to get there. I think when I was 31 is when I started to kind of accept myself and love myself. And it took some work, but it happened and I did see some level of change when it comes to approaching and so on. And another question, right? Yeah, this is, this should have been the first question, but I wanted, I want to ask you this, right? So what inspired you to become a dating coach and what helped you to become successful at it? So many things, right? A, you know, I mean I worked with you and so you, you really have, you really know how to connect with women and how to go talk to them and the banter and how to keep it light, funny, emotional feelings based. So you really, you really know your craft. Right? But there's that, that's the product slash craft aspect of it. And there's also the getting the word out and then making sure everybody is aware of who you are. And so that's, there's that business aspect of it. So what inspired you to become a dating coach and what helped you to become successful at it, craft wise? And also the business aspect of it. So what does that driving force with it?

[A]

I have my what inspired me, I have my this sounds good even though it's true answer. And I have, I have the raw truth answer. The sounds, the aspirational cinematic moment. I was in California on a work, on a vacation from work in the early, early tens, early teens, early tens. And I was in San Diego and I was listening to this CD of a pickup artist dude and he was teaching some really cool stuff. I forget what it was, but it was like, pick up this technique, that flirting technique, this move. And I, I'm on the beach and I thought this is really cool. These are really cool techniques taught by a real dirt bag. Wouldn't it be nice if a cool, normal person taught some awesome stuff? And I thought, I wish I could find somebody like that to coach me. And then I thought, wait a minute, I would. This will be a fun thing to teach and coach. Maybe this world needs somebody with heart and brains and humility, but also confidence in this area who's really struggled and suffered and who isn't like just trying to get laid isn't just trying to a lot of girls, even though I love sex, but. And I just remember I. I heard so many guys who taught such cool stuff and who just had gave me the creepy cringy vibes. So that was my moment of wow, I think I can do this in a way that would be really fun. Not fun. Well, fun but, but valuable and fill a. Fill a place that I don't see out there. At the time though, I was a journalist with a full time job at Time Inc. And working at a couple different magazines there. So that's the aspirational cinematic answer. The raw answer is I got laid off. I got canned. Or not canned, but laid off. I walked into my boss's office on the day that I thought I might be getting a big promotion and he said, you didn't get the promotion and your job is gone. Bye. Here's your severance. It was like, I don't know if you know the movie Jerry Maguire, but it was like my Jerry Maguire moment. Everything except the Goldfish. And there was no Renee Zellweger, sadly. But so then I was like, I got some severance, I got fired. Not fired, I got laid off. I got severance for a little time. I got some money. Let's just try. Let's, let's take that little dream I had on the beach in San Diego and put it to use. So that's, that's the answer too.

[B]

Yeah. So on hindsight, I think that was it. It was a good thing that you got for it, for, for all of us.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

Because we got to work with you and yeah. And you got to kind of after

[A]

get the message out, after a month in bed with a bottle of Johnnie Walker Black, I said, okay, maybe I can try to do something else. And it took me years to get over that. Losing my job, or at least emotionally years. But now I think, yeah, if I'd never. Sometimes the things that we think harm us are actually helping us. Tony Robbins has a good line. I think he got this from the book Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl, or at least his interpretation. He said this at many self help seminars that something, something happens to you, something bad happens, you get dumped, you get laid off, you get a disease, you get diagnosed with something, God forbid, all These things happen, but they're all going to happen to all of us. Everyone, sadly. But that's truthfully. And he said this thing can happen to you or for you. Did you get laid off? Fine. Did it happen to you or for you? In other words, are you a victim or are you going to turn this into something that gives value to the world and can make you a better person? So easier said than done. But I tried my best to turn that into a. This is happening for me, not to me. So hopefully I've done that.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that too at a stage where there's no YouTube videos. YouTube was not what it is today. Think there, there's not that many Internet sources to resort to, but you're doing it on your own. This. I know the challenges and yeah, that's kudos to you and I salute you for that. I don't know how, how much more time we have. I have one more and hope that's okay.

[A]

Four more days and we're gone. Extra long episode.

[B]

Yeah. So I'll, I'll. Yeah, we'll. I'll do.

[A]

We're not going to stop until you say, coach, I got knocked. Nothing. Okay. Or until you say, I gotta go, I gotta go to the bathroom. Yeah.

[B]

Okay. So I think I have this question about cities, right. So I was, I think we were having this conversation just before we started, just before we started, uh, recording. So I've been living in LA for three years now and it has really helped me out as a person, helped me bring the best out of me. And in terms of approaching, I've done so many approach in Sacramento. All my best approaches are in Sacramento because before that I wasn't even approaching. I would be like, okay, okay, I can say that, but I'm not going to because blah, blah, blah. And then I just stand there like, I don't know, like somebody who doesn't want to approach. I, I consume all these products but then I'm. I wasn't still able to connect till I started working with somebody. Till I started working with you directly and getting those coaching calls. That's when I took, started taking action. Right? But then in Sacramento you could really go up to a somebody who's really attractive and give up and say something mildly sensible, right. I felt they would look at you, they'll give you that five seconds that you deserve because you wanted to provide value to them. They'll give you that smile and even as they reject you, it's all like, even the worst rejections they had that Smile in the face, they giggled a little bit, they felt good. And then I felt it really easy and comfortable to approach in Sacramento, the easiest in Sacramento, a relatively smaller city, not a metro, it's not San Francisco, it's not New York City, it's not Chicago, but then it's a relatively smaller city. I was able to go up to so many people and talk and it was easier for me to go over, talk. And then they give you their time, they'll at least smile at you, talk to you for a bit. And then so it, it, it's you, you can kind of say all these things will happen, they will give you a time, they will smile at you, it's going to be warm, right? But then, but in other cities I really struggled in la, I was thinking, hey, you know what, I'm going to go to LA and I'll go talk to people, see how the vibe is at least. I felt it challenging to approach women in la or again, like I said, even before we were recording, right. I'm just making this judgment based off the four folks that I approach. I might be wrong, but then in some cities it's little bit more challenging. In some cities for me it's a little bit easier. So how much is the geographical location, how much of an impact does the geographical location or the city that you live in have an impact on your approaching your dating life? The number of dates you get, how you connect with women, the kind of women that you meet, are you in terms of, are they career oriented, are they family oriented, are they those spiritual nuts like me? I like spirituality and, and all that. Are they, do we get more of that? So how much does the city or the state or the geography that you live in matter in terms of approaching and the kind of people that you meet?

[A]

It doesn't matter at all. I'm not saying you haven't experienced what you experienced. What is the very likely happening or you experienced is because you're in a different place where you don't have a lot of reference experiences for succeeding and feeling good. Changing geographical locations can change your comfort and confidence level and that hurts interactions. Or can. And then the mind says, oh well, it must be that women are harder in LA to talk to than here in Santa Sacramento. Thank you. That's. In my perception that's not the case. Even though your experience is completely real to you, what I think is occurring is we go through this, we go through the world basically with our same brains we had 200,000 years ago when we were on the, our ancestors were on the African savannas. We're going place to place trying to figure out am I safe here or am I going to get a rock to the head and be killed? Evolution. I talked with an evolutionary scientist about this once who basically said, yeah, we're all pretty much still Homo sapiens to, you know, the savannah, our minds. And I said, oh, well, what is approach anxiety? He's like, oh, it's just like you're afraid you're going to get kicked out of the tribe and be murdered. If you approach a woman and make a mistake, you're all of a sudden you're afraid of death. Not literally, but it feels that way. So I thought that was a pretty interesting insight. We have these ancient brains, but in a modern world, and so our brains are still very ancient. So we go from place to place and we look around ourselves. We don't even do it consciously. Our brains. My old coach called it pinging. Our brains are like these antennas. We pings out, all these signals go out and it comes back, how much, how safe am I here? How comfortable and confident can I be? And my theory of the case for you is that your brain sends out these signals that, oh, LA is not my. It's an away game, it's not a home game. Every team has a losing record on the or a less winning record on the road than at home, pretty much in every sport. And so that affects things like your voice, your confidence. Maybe you stand just a little bit less confident, little bit less in the zone and that can lead to trouble getting better results. And as we mentioned before we went live or before we recorded, if you've only got four, four reference points for LA, it's not really a scientific sample that women in LA are different than Sacramento do, about 600, 700, then you've got a scientific sample. Now there's. You can change context and have a radically different outcome. Context matters. Daytime at Starbucks versus the Ripple Room at midnight where you're doing the hand of God. Context matters radically. But geographically I haven't seen much except in a culture or a country where there's either more or less progressiveness about walking up to people. And even then, like I went to Oslo once and approached tons of women, had some amazing experiences. But I had one group of girls. I approached them in this, in this park in Oslo, a very bizarre park, fascinating park. All the statuary was X rated. It was like a porno statue park in Oslo. Fascinating. I forget the name of it. But anyway, I approached these women and they were really receptive and warm and it went well. But they said, people just don't do this. Here we were. They weren't, they weren't off put. They were just surprised. So that's where you see social differences. It's like, oh, this is unusual, but not getaway creep. More like, oh, this is strange. And. But. But they liked it. So that's what I've noticed from country to country.

[B]

And Oslo is in Europe.

[A]

Yeah. Yes, Norway.

[B]

Norway. Okay, cool. Norway. Okay. Okay, cool.

[A]

Yeah, so I don't think it's moved.

[B]

So did you want to talk about

[A]

improv before we're done? Did you have an impromptu question, by the way?

[B]

Yeah, I do have an improv question. So. So the question is, improv is one way of making sure there is some fun element in the approach, right? Is there something else guys can learn like improv so that the approach is more emotional and feeling based as opposed to David Letterman style interviewing? Because that's where I fall. I make this really good, sensible approach in a coffee shop. I kill at coffee shops, right. And then I kill a coffee shop. Where do you work? So there's. There's this girl. I, I think we spoke about it. Hey, where do you work? I'm going to. It's final year. I'm going to aesthetics college. What is aesthetics? And then she said something and then, what is this? What is that? To a point where she was smiling at me, but I was like shooting question after question. So apart from improv, Improv is going to really help. I enrolled for that already. Is there anything else that guy can. Is there anything else that guys can learn to make sure that approach is fun? Emotional feelings, feelings driven and so that we can provide value during the approach.

[A]

Just shooting out questions while you're asking questions, be present and listen.

[B]

That's.

[A]

Here's where presence is powerful, guys. Many, most missions and most many men fall back on questions because questions mean they don't have to think, they don't have to be present, they don't have to be vulnerable. They can just hit a woman with all these different questions. And there's nothing wrong with questions. It would be weird if you didn't ask questions. Humans ask each other questions, but what you can do to get out of that or to make it more compelling is ask a question or two, listen, be present, and then listen to her answer, and then follow up with better questions or playful questions. Maybe you ask her, oh, what are you eating? Oh, I'm having salad. Oh, you're not having something More delicious. It's like, oh, well, yeah, I like snacks. Oh, really? Well, are you more of a salty snack girl or a sweet snack girl? Now we're talking about something light and fun banter. Or we're talking about a light topic in a fun way. Or you can also make some fun assumptions. So let's do a little Do I do. Should we finish the podcast with a little improv?

[B]

Sure.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I'll be Connell. You be a really cute girl.

[B]

What is. What is your name? My name is Annie.

[A]

Okay, Annie. Great. Let's. I have no idea how this is going to go. It's 9:26. I've been up for 15 hours. Let's see what happens. I'll either be brilliant or terrible. But let's say we're. Let's say we're 60 seconds into a coffee shop approach. I've literally just gotten your name and you're sitting there at the table next to me. We're just having a chat. Okay. You have a laptop open, you have some books on your coffee shop table, and I'll just ask you some questions. What I'm going to try to do, I'm going to go into interview mode. I give my. I'm giving myself permission to go into interview mode. And I'm gonna try to be present to cute Annie here and see if I can use what Annie gives me to find some fun, playful, or flirtatious things that are beyond just pure raw interview questions. Okay, Here we go.

[B]

Cool.

[A]

Wow, Annie. It's nice to meet you, Annie.

[B]

Nice meeting you, Connors.

[A]

Uh, tell me about your name. What's the story behind your name, Annie?

[B]

Uh, my name is Ronnie, Veronica. And I don't want folks to call me Veronica. It kind of looks weird. So. So it's Ronnie.

[A]

Oh, I'm sorry I called you Annie. It's Ronnie.

[B]

Yeah, Ronnie.

[A]

I. I apologize. I want to get your name right. Nice to meet you, Ronnie.

[B]

Nice meeting.

[A]

Well, what's the story behind your name, Veronica? Do you know how your parents named you?

[B]

I think my mom wanted to name me Victor. She really wanted a male. A male baby. Then I was born, so she wanted something with a V in there. And she reads a lot of these Archie's books back in the day. So there's that Veronica character in Archie's. So I think it's Veronica and Betty. The Betty and Veronica. Two good looking girls in Archie. So. So for some reason she won't name me Veronica because it's a long name. Cute name.

[A]

So you are named. You're inspired in part by a comic book character.

[B]

Interesting. From Archie.

[A]

Interesting. Speaking of characters in fiction, I'm curious if they were making a movie. The Veronica Story. Who. What actor would play you in the movie?

[B]

I think Demi Moore would do a good job. Nice choice playing me because I like her and Few Good Men. She's done some serious roles and some not so serious, funny and very warm roles as well. So. I like Demi Moore.

[A]

I used to have a really big crush on Demi Moore.

[B]

Ah, yeah.

[A]

Have you seen. Have you seen Ghost?

[B]

Yes. Yeah. The short haircut looks really sexy. Yeah.

[A]

Oh, really? You think you look sexy?

[B]

Maybe with.

[A]

Oh, I like that. You're very confident in yourself. You're very confident. Maybe. Maybe for our. Maybe not our first date, but our third date, we can go to a pottery class together. But I don't know if you want me to take my shirt off. I don't look as good as Patrick Swayze. I've been working at the gym, trying to work out.

[B]

Oh, nice. What gym do you go to?

[A]

I go to Equinox.

[B]

Oh, that's.

[A]

Yeah. I hate it, though. I hate the gym. I'm gonna. When I'm on a treadmill, I feel like I'm a rat on a wheel. I just. I want to be anywhere else. But as you see before you, I'm. I basically have. See my one pack. I'm working. I've got this amazing one pack. I need to make sure that my one pack is really. Is really so. Okay, back to you. So what are you working on today? What are you writing or what are you doing on your laptop?

[B]

I'm just finishing up this report that I have to submit for work. And. Yeah, I'm just gonna spend some more time here. Maybe order one more cup of coffee and just relax and look into this lake, because that's all I do on Thursday evenings. Finish my report and then look into this lake that's right here.

[A]

You have deep thoughts when you look into the lake.

[B]

There's no thoughts when I look into the lake. And that's what I love about it. And it kind of helped me stay in the present without any effort.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

Because the lake is. Takes your mind.

[A]

A cute girl who has no thoughts at all. You might be the perfect woman for me. I feel so much smarter when the person I'm with has no thoughts. Oh, I'm sorry. Did I offend you?

[B]

No, no, no.

[A]

That's okay.

[B]

Yeah. Thank you. Thanks for that. Yeah. Appreciate it.

[A]

Where are you from, by the way?

[B]

Where'd you Come from? I grew up in Maryville City, Missouri. It was a small town. And yeah, very cold. We don't get this kind of a weather there, warm weather, but it, you get everything. You get summers, winters, something in between, rainy season and all that. So it was a small town in the middle.

[A]

I know Missouri. I went to grad school in Missouri. Yeah, I went to mu.

[B]

Oh, nice.

[A]

So you went to Missouri. Okay, do give me your best y'.

[B]

All.

[A]

Say y' all to me. Oh, my God, that was so cute. I don't know whether to ask you out or go on a hayride with you.

[B]

Yeah, I don't know what a girl is supposed to say now, but I'll be like, I think the girl should say, yeah, I'll grab. Maybe we can exchange numbers. Yeah.

[A]

So what did you think? Don't. Don't kiss my ass. Tell me the truth. What did you notice? What did you like? Not like.

[B]

What did you think? Yeah, it was good. It was. The conversation kept flowing. You did not ask for anything. I was in the present.

[A]

Well, I asked her something. I asked her many things.

[B]

Yeah, I mean, ask for something in terms of give something to me. It's like ask something to talk about, something that I want to talk about versus just really asking for something. And it was feelings based on. Okay, you did. Even when I started asking those interview questions, you kind of shifted to feelings. So that is something that I learned. And then there's some banter there, there's some funny, there's some fun, there's some jokes all light hearted.

[A]

That felt good to me. I mean, I liked how free flowing it was. I tried to ask a lot of questions, but I also jumped in and the thing I was trying to demonstrate was not to be afraid of questions, but to use questions to find some out some things that you can then. Not to be too cute here about my ghost movie joke, but it's like we're trying to mold this conversation together. We're creating this little work of art and the organic present conversation is the clay. Right. So. And there'll be organic opportunities to, to flirt her and tease her or whatever. However. However you like to flirt. So I, I, I said, oh, Demi Moore, that was my big crush. You know, I made some joke about short hair. Our date will be like the movie. And I was, I was laying it on a little bit thick. For the purpose of the podcast, I, in real life, I would probably slow it down a little bit. I was sort of like putting a lot of chocolate chips in the cookie to Try to make the bite taste good. In a real situation, I'd be a little. In a real coffee shop daytime situation, I'd be way more. Not way more chill, but like 20% more relaxed and not try to insert flirty things. But I was trying to do a little bit of a demonstration for the listener and for you. So, yeah, don't be afraid of questions. I didn't. I was looking. I couldn't think of a. A funny tease. One of my favorite things to do. If you get stuck in interview mode, find yourself asking those questions, you can say, oh, where are you from? Oh, I'm from Missouri. Oh, Missouri. Go into your mind and say, what stereotype do you think with Missouri hay rides or. Or rednecks, maybe? I was like, oh, you. You're from Missouri. Okay, so did you go on a hay ride for your first date ever, or did instead of getting your driver's license, do you get a license to ride a horse? I don't even know if that's funny, but it's present and it's a gentle tease. And teasing is one of the ways we can banter with a woman. So I couldn't think of something funny when you said Missouri. That's why I just went with the honest truth, which was, I went to grad school in Missouri.

[B]

Yeah. And they wave from inside the car. One finger wave. That comes to my mind in Marieville.

[A]

Is that a Missouri thing?

[B]

Yeah, that's a Marievil thing. Even if somebody's driving and you're walking, they kind of wave at you because there's, like, so few people there. So if you see another entity, they smile at you, they wave at you, they ask some questions. So, yeah.

[A]

Wow. So they give you the finger in that part of Missouri, is what you're saying.

[B]

Yeah, One finger wave. When they are actually driving, it's like this. Their hands are on the steering wheel, but the one finger will wave at you, and they're smiling at you.

[A]

I love it. Last question will actually be me asking you a question. We'll end. Okay, I'm gonna put the. I'm gonna put the dating coach hat on you.

[B]

Yeah, sure.

[A]

You can give the guy listening to this episode who's with us an hour and 20 minutes in. He went long. If you could say, okay, we saved the best for last. Here's my best tip from Shakar, AKA Veronica, to go out and improve his dating life. What is your one piece of dating advice for the guy listening?

[B]

Don't think about what the other people are thinking, because that's their business and we have our own things to think about. Nobody cares about the guy who's standing up next to the girl that you are approaching and what he'll think about you. Nobody cares, man. If you fall dead, most probably the girl and the guy and everyone else in whatever coffee shop that you're on might feel bad for like 10 minutes and then start complaining about the pizza not coming on time. So of course people who know you will love you. But then. So don't think about what other people are thinking about and then take action and develop that grit slash fearlessness and take action. Consuming products is great. Working with dating coaches are really, really great. They'll really help you out. But then if you don't take action, if you don't go walk up to a girl and get rejected and still be okay with it, if you don't arrive to that place, it's very, it's challenging to move forward. So take action. And then something that I'll tell everybody is I have people, they make, I have a business analyst training program, right? They make like 100k already. And then the, my course is only a couple of hundred dollars. They keep bargaining, they will be like, okay, I'll think about it. My advice is, when it comes to your dating life, invest a lot of money. You are investing on yourself because it's going to invite quality people into your life and you might get married to somebody or be in this warm long term relationship. And if you don't invest in yourself, you have to say yes to anybody who walks in and next thing you know you're just signing your, I don't know, maybe there's a divorce and then you're signing half your stuff away. Something weird is happening because you are not able to bring those quality people in your life. So do invest in yourself when it comes to dating and relationships because that's an important area. Do not bargain as long as all the other important stuff are taken care of. Do invest sincerely and work sincerely. So that is my advice.

[A]

That's really good advice. You said two low key, brilliant things. You said what people, especially that woman, but anybody else, what they think of you. What did you say? It's not, it's not your business.

[B]

Yeah. What other people think of me is not your business.

[A]

Who cares? That was great. You told Chris, our other boot camp approacher a few weeks back, that was great advice because he was very, very concerned about, oh, what do they think of me? Am I bothering them? Am I too old? That was great advice. And the other low key thing you said, and I'll end with this little quick little anecdote which is so important, especially in 2026. You said, look, content's great, but go out and take action. It's now more than ever. What you just said is so urgent and necessary because we're living in a world where there has never been more information ever. Right now we're on a podcast, or you can go on TikTok or Instagram or get the mailing list or get the free download or blah, blah, blah, YouTube and on and on and on. And information is overrated. So overrated. You can't approach a woman while watching TikTok, at least unless you're out walking around and you literally walk into her. So when I was at, when I was going to all these seminars back in the day, I would go to these dating coach pickup seminars and there were like a couple hundred guys in the audiences sometimes there's this one guy named Gerald. And Gerald, we saw each other at these different seminars, Miami, Vegas, New York. And I always saw him and he had these big stack of journals. He was constantly writing in journals. So was I, by the way. I was making notes and writing stuff down. So I go up to him one day and I said, hey, Gerald, I just want to introduce myself. We chatted about our experience. And I said, so, how's the approaching going? You know, because we were mainly there to approach women. That was all we were talking about, mainly approaching. And I said, yeah, how's it going? How's the approaching going? And he said, oh, I haven't approached anybody yet. I just want to get the theory down. And he had literally traveled all over the country and probably spent many, many thousands of dollars. And he hadn't approached a single woman yet. He had this giant binder, not binder, but a stack of journals. So he had fallen into this trap of being a seminar junkie. Do the seminars. Because what's a seminar? Or now It's TikTok, Instagram, YouTube, et cetera. It's. Oh, that's. I'm learning, but I'm not uncomfortable. You get to learn without pushing your comfort zone, which is deceptively destructive because there's no cute girls sitting there in your home While you're watching TikTok or taking the course. And here's a good rule of thumb that nobody listening will follow. But I'll say it anyway. For every hour of content you consume, of dating content, go out and take an hour of action. The one to one rule, okay, I'LL go. I'll watch an hour of content, but I'm gonna go approach girls for an hour or go on a date if I can get one. Count that. Or go take your photos for online dating. Go take action. That's gonna get you home way faster than any information.

[B]

Yeah, that's a good point, Coach.

[A]

Speaking of taking action, dear, dear listener slash viewer, if you want to take action, then you can go to my website, datingtransformation.com. you can book a free call, talk with me, and figure out what this whole dating coach thing's about. It's. There's no charge. That's a. That's an action you can take right now. And that's what our boy Shakir did. Shakar. Sorry. And, yeah, you're. Whether or not you get a coach, this man just gave you great advice. Stop. Turn off the YouTubes, the TikTok, and, yeah, turn off this podcast. Turn off my content and go talk to women. That's where your results are waiting for you. So, anyway, thank you so much for being here, man, and for being the dream client. I'm so proud of you.

[B]

Yeah, thank you, Coach. And, yeah, thanks for your service. And, yeah, it's. It's. It's a pleasure talking to you as well.