James Sexton (196:12)
Like, that's what I mean about the devil is the idea that, like, if I just show my partner the best parts of myself and I don't admit to them or. Or let share with them the things I'm afraid of, the. I need to work on all that kind of stuff, then I'm never going to feel their love because they don't love me. Like, they love the character I'm playing. Like, they love the Persona that I've developed in this relationship, and I'll never feel their love. Love. You know, Whereas if I. If I'm brave enough to share with this person the parts of me that I don't understand, I'm afraid of, I'm. I'm. I'm unhappy with, I'm. I'm ashamed of, and they love me anyway, like, then I'm gonna really feel that love. And that love can be a transformative kind of love. Like, that's a love worth having, you know? So I think anything that deepens your ability to know yourself and deepens your ability to know your partner and let your partner know that you want to know them. Like, the whole thing. Like, I want to know what you need to work on. I want to be here to help. Like, I'm here for you. I'm here. It's just like, friendship. Friendship's easier, you know, Friendship's easier than romantic love. Like, it's super easy to say, like, hey, man, you know, I'm cheering for you. You know, I am. I wouldn't be. I don't have to be here. Like, I don't have to be. That's part of why I like prenups. Like, I don't want you here because you have to be here. I want you here because you want to be here, because you're in man. Like, there was a time where we were in and we decided to do this thing and that, to me, like, that's the whole thing. So I, I think that's the secret in terms of a. If you're already in a relationship and you go, okay, like postnups. There's problems with postnups because from a contractual legal standpoint, point, contracts fail for what's called want of consideration, meaning that, that in every contract there has to be an exchange of value. Like, so they use the car thing again, I'm giving you money, you're giving me a car. Like, we're each exchanging. We're each giving and receiving value. The, the consideration for a prenup is we don't have to get married, but I'm willing to marry you if we amend the rule set in the following way. So that has a mutuality of consideration. There are some courts that have held that a postnup, there is no consideration and it fails as a contract because staying married is not consideration. It's assumed that you would stay married legally. So that's why post nups can fail. Now, that being said, do I think the message that I have about connection and how to interact with your partner and the things I wrote in my book, like, you know, my book how to Stay in Love, Practical wisdom from an unlikely source. The idea was not to, to, to just talk about people in troubled relationships or to approach people who were not yet in relationships and give them a rule set to start with. Like, I trained Brazilian Jiu Jitsu for many years, and people will often say, because, you know, people are 30, 40, 50, and they want to get into Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. And, you know, there's an old joke. I don't know. It was one of the Gracies who first said it. I don't, I don't want to offend Hoiler or, or, or I think it was Hoiler, but I'm not sure. It might have been Hickson, where someone said, what's the best age to start Jiu Jitsu? And he said, five or now. And I think that's the answer. Like, so all these techniques, all these things we're talking about, what's the best time to implement them? The day you meet this person. Person or now, like, I don't care if you married 10 years, 20 years, 30 years. You're. You're telling me that right now there wouldn't be value in seeing your partner, allowing yourself to be seen by your partner. Like a lot of the, the practical Wisdom, I think that's so simple. Of, like. Like, in my book, there's a chapter where I just talk about. It's called leave a note. And it basically just says, like, leave your partner in note. Like, when you leave for the office in the morning, leave a note. Like, hey, you know, so fun on the couch with you last night, watching tv. I. I married the prettiest girl in the world. Can't wait to see you again. What does that take? 30 seconds. 30 seconds, right? Nothing. Such a minimal investment. Didn't cost you anything. You. That's why you won't see it on TV advertised, by the way, because it didn't cost anything. You don't have to buy anything. You don't need anything to do that thing. But what does it say to your partner? I see you. You're important to me. I took the time in the middle of the things I'm doing to. To. To. To let you know you're important to me. Like, and who wouldn't want that? Who wouldn't want their partner, even after 20 years of marriage, especially after 20 years of marriage, to say, God, you're handsome. Hey. Like, I just. I don't know, something about you. Like, who wouldn't want to hear that? Like, who wouldn't have their day brightened by that a little bit? And again, maybe at first, your partner go, are you all right? Right? What. What. What are you doing? Like, did you. I had a buddy who actually did the note thing, and he said. He was like, yeah, for, like, the first week, she was like, what's going on? Are you having an affair? Like, are you dying? What's going on? And he said, but after, like. And I just said, no, I. You know, I just. I want to make more of a point of, like, being present, you know? And he said after, like, three weeks, four weeks, he was like, dude, I'm having, like, we're, like, having the best chapter. Like, we're having more sex. Sex. We're having more fun. Like, he's like, and now she's, like, texting me in the middle of the day. Like, by the way, like, again, not to gender things, but, like, leaving a note or sending a text in the middle of the day that just. Because I was just thinking of you. Like, I just wanted you to know I was thinking of you. It's the equivalent of sending a man nudes. Like, it. It. Because what does it say? It says, hey, like, I know that the world's crazy and everything's kind of. But. But, like, it's. You and me, it's you and me. And you're this special person that gets to hear these things from me or see these things of me that other people don't get to see because I'm yours and you're mine. Like, and that. What is better than that? And what is the downside to trying to giving? Because worst case, you spent 30 seconds of your life and you didn't get a return on your investment, okay, you're no worse off than you were. So even though you may not be able to avail yourself of the rule set concept, that can happen when you haven't married yet and you have a prenup and you have that discussion, I think you can still have that core conversation. Again, not about, if we split up, how do we divide our assets? That's not what this is about. It's about, what do we owe each other? What do we bring to this economy, this relationship of the two of us, this exchange of value. What? What? I have a. I have a friend who's been married probably about 10 years, happily, really happily. And he was telling me how they call it a walk and talk, that once a week they just go for a walk, like a hike together. They live in Colorado and they've made a practice of telling each other like two or three things that they did that way week that like, were a big win. Like two or three things that like made them feel loved or whatever it might be. And then they try to have at least one or two things that they could have done better or where they might have crossed wires and they kind of do appraise sandwich, you know, like, so they do the good and then a few of the bad and then back to the good again. And I said to him, like, is there a discernible impact? And he's like, it's like the best thing we do. He's like, because it, it really helps us course correct in real time. But the most valuable part is actually not the, here's what you got wrong. It's the, here's what you did right. Like, here's the stuff that made me feel loved. And, and because that death spiral that people get into in relationships where it's like, well, I'm not happy. Why should they be happy? And like, well, I didn't get to go out with my friends. Why she get to go out with her friends, you know? And why. I had a miserable. Well, I had a miserable day too. Well, it's like, well, why is your miserable day more important than my miserable, miserable day? You Know, like that death spiral, you can reverse that. It can. It can work the other way, which is like, just keep meeting this with an abundance of love, affection, compassion, positive reinforcement. It can. And again, not always. Like, there are, Believe me, I, I work in the clay of domestic violence, intimate partner abuse. Like, I've seen it up close and personal. I know there are toxic, awful people who are just not going to be able to have a functional relationship, but find that out sooner rather than later and then cut your losses and get out. Like, because I have to tell you something. I. You, you say how, you know, you see like a couple that's 70 or 80 and they're getting divorced. And it's the saddest thing. It is. But it also begs the question, like, what would have happened if they were ill suited for each other? How long did they hold on? Because I got to tell you, man, I'm not impressed when somebody says, oh, we were married for 60 years, we were miserable for 45 of them. But we do it. Like, oh, great. Like, great. Like, I don't. That's like that race they run in Death Valley where it's like, I ran 150 miles in Aug. Okay, like, what do you. That's great. That's insane. Like, but okay, like, congratulations, you did something that sounds horribly painful and in no way positive. Like, but if you feel good about it, cool. Like, that's not, to me, a successful marriage. A successful marriage to me is we made each other's lives better. We made our, our, our own lives and each other's lives better for our coupling, for the fact that we were together. Maybe we created life and cultivated life together by birth or adoption, or maybe we just radiated joy to the people around us, you know, or maybe we had pets and we gave them a wonderful existence together or maybe some combination of all those wonderful things. Like. But do I think that the solution is like, longevity and say no, because I don't think that the duration of something is the success or failure of it. Listen, if you make a six hour shitty movie, I'm not going to be like, well, but it was six full hours. That is pretty good. Like, no. Whereas if you, if you make a six hour movie that holds my attention the entire six hours, that's a damn good movie. That's a, that's a movie worth making. You know, like, I'll watch Casino or Goodfellas every time it's on, and it's like a full three hours almost, you know, And I don't care because it's that good. So I think that longevity, like endings and how relationships end, the fact that something ends does not mean that it wasn't valuable, like, at all. I think that's a really crazy thing. Like, every movie I've ever enjoyed ended. And if somebody said to me three quarters of the way through it, you know, this is going to end, I wouldn't be like, what's the point? You know, No, I want to watch the whole thing. I want to. And knowing that it's going to end is part of what makes it beautiful. So, so I, I think that protections are really important. Prenups are really important. It's ideal, as early in a relationship as possible to have some of these conversations about the painful things that I have to help people wrestle with every single day. But I, I think the value received from that conversation is immeasurable.
