Josh Waitzkin (34:12)
I think I just turned eight. Or maybe I was late seven. And like, that was. It was because if I had won that game, I would. I easily could have associated winning with just no pain, no heart, just cruising up into the end. That was the moment that, like, I got my ass kicked. I had to go back, you know, deal with these demons, come back, train for the next year. And then I won the next year, and then it was off to the races. My life might look very different if I'd won That game. And actually the kid who beat me in that game, David Arnett, became two years later, we became best friends. For all of our childhood, we were on the same chess team and best friends. And I think he gave me the greatest gift of my competitive life by kicking my ass. That game. The most devastating loss of my chess life was So I was 17 years old. I was competing in the World Under 18 Chess Championship in Segate, Hungary. Every so. Every year, there's under 12, 14, 16, 18, 21 world championship. And I was always representing the US in those tournaments around the world. And, you know, I, you know, traveled to India or Brazil or Hungary or Germany or somewhere and compete in the World championship. And under 18 worlds. I played the tournament. I just was playing very inspired chess. I had just picked up on the road three weeks before Jack Kerouac. I had become. I was just on fire with Kerouac's vision. And I was just so, like, appreciating life with this freshness and intensity than I'd ever had, more than I'd ever had. I was. I was like, totally on fire in chess, in life, in love, in everything. And I. I was paired against Peter Svidler, who was the Russian. We were on the. On the first board, last round. We were. We, you know, we were playing for the World Championship. Every country sends their national champion, so it's a long tournament to get there. Early in the game, I think it was move 12. He offered me a draw. So if I'd accepted the draw for it would have gone the tie breaks. I didn't know exactly what was happening, but I thought that he was slightly favored in tie breaks. I wasn't sure, but basically the World Championship would be determined or the gold medal would be determined by how our opponents in previous rounds did in the last round. But I had a. But I hadn't calculated it out before, but I had a feeling it. It was like maybe it was like 40, 60 or 30, 70 against me, but I. It was my style. I never accepted draw first. That wasn't my style. I always wanted to fight. So I declined, pushed for a win. Now, the beauty of his decision was also he offered me a draw in the critical position where I had to make a very specific decision, which is a trick that chess players play on one another, which is that, like, if you're. We should talk about tension at one point. It's a. It's a really beautiful theme to explore in different sports. So one thing that happens in chess games is that you have this building tension between minds. And often the tension on the chessboard and the tension on the minds are mounting together. And the urge, the need to release psychological tension often leads to the decision to release chest tension in the chest chess pieces. And when you release chess tension, usually the person who releases the tension will be on the wrong side of tactics. So a lot of chess, the chess game is about putting mental pressure on the opponent to force them to break the tension on the chessboard. So in that game, he offered me a draw. So you think about it, we're 17 years old, we're 10 days into a world championship battle. We even, no matter how much we love the battle, some piece of ourselves wants a way out. Like we want to release the tension, right? It's just elemental to who we are when we're living with that much pressure. So all I have to do then is like accept the draw, shake hands and the tournament's over and then it's out of our hands. What happens? So in that moment I have to also make a critical chess position. So the, the urge to release the tension is subtly entering into my chest decision. And in that move, I declined the draw. And I made a slightly over aggressive move which turned and he ended up playing a beautiful game, big attack, beating me. I lose the world Championship. Just this close to like your dream and you're shattered, right? I then went and hitchhiked across Eastern Europe to meet my girlfriend at the time in a little town in Slovenia. And we broke up and all that. And I ended up meeting again at a street corner in Brazil, the World Under 21 Championship three weeks later. Lots of drama. You know, being a 17 year old kid, I didn't study that chess loss for two and a half months. It was so painful to me. I always studied games immediately afterwards. And I always. You might study a chess game for anywhere between three and 15 hours. Studying one chess game and that's that, say 10 hours is focused on the two or three critical positions of the game. And this was before chess computers were rampant and you had chess engines that could always just tell you the answer to. That's also something we should talk about later. How chess engines and AI chess engines change the nature of who chess players are because you can have the answer right away versus having to sit in cognitive and emotional dissonance for sometimes weeks or months at a time without knowing the answer. But we'll come back to that maybe so. I didn't study that loss for two and a half months because it was so painful to me then I was My family spent a lot of time at sea, which was an interesting part of my life and my chess life. Living on a little boat, catching our own food, doing our own engine work. And I was at sea after competing in both of those world championships and some other things. And I sat down to study that game and I spent dozen plus hours studying that one critical position of the game. And then I realized the move I should have made was outside of my conceptual scheme. In that critical position, I wasn't ready to make that move. I had to make. And he was also, I think, a slightly stronger chess player than me. I was a great fighter. I loved the battle, but I think objectively he was a better. His name is Peter Svidler. He ended up becoming a world class grandmaster and is just an incredible chess player today. At the time, he was just amazingly brilliant, beautiful fluid mind. But I was confident going into the game, so I had to make this move that would essentially be. His attack was on the kingside. My expansion was on the queen side. I had to remove my final defensive piece from in front of my king, away from my king side, which is super counterintuitive because you think you want it to defend your king. What I didn't realize is like harnessing the power of empty space against aggression. His attack needed my defense like fire needs fuel to burn. Moving my last defensive piece, his attack couldn't break through. But that principle was something I didn't understand at all. And so it's not like I would have found that move, but it was a real pop in my mind, right? So then I was 17, 18 years old. And then a year later I started studying Tai Chi. Start studying Taoist meditation, Taoist philosophy, the Tao Te Ching, Chuangzi, Lao Tzu, the inner chapters. And then I get into Tai Chi. I started moving meditation. I started Tai Chi Chuan, push hands without making the connection. Push hands is the martial art, which is the essence, which is like the essence of push hands is learning to utilize empty space against aggression. But I hadn't connected it to that moment. Then you Fast forward to 2004 World Championship, which is what the art of learning ended with. The final chapter of that is the World Championship finals. I'm playing, I'm fighting this guy, bigger than me, stronger than me. He's been training since childhood. Final fight in a big stadium. Everyone wanted me to be destroyed in the biggest fight of my life. And I won that fight by harnessing the power of empty space, by letting him feel my weakness, by leaning on him, by letting him by letting it, and then I just. And then disappearing. So it's very interesting how there was no mental process. There's no conscious processing of that connection. But the biggest loss of my chest, life, and then the principle, which I wasn't ready to understand yet, was how I won the world championship in the martial arts so many years later in a completely different discipline. Right. So it's an example of, like. And of course, that principle is manifest in every part of my life today. But like, that's one of many stories in my life where, like, a loss spurs an insight which might consciously or often unconsciously, lead to something incredible down the road. And I think that one of the biggest challenges that we have. But it's so interesting that the loss of a world chess championship final leads to the win. Direct lesson leads to the win of a world championship in a fighting realm. And how common that is. And one of the things that I think about, like, when you sit down with great competitors again and again, when you hear their inner journey, the most heartbreaking losses lead to the transformational change which leads to the biggest wins of their life. Whether it's in basketball, whether it's in fighting, whether it's in business, it's in finance, it's in writing.