Transform Pain & Trauma Into Creative Expression | David Choe

Summary

Huberman Lab – Transform Pain & Trauma Into Creative Expression | David Choe

Podcast: Huberman Lab
Host: Andrew Huberman, PhD
Guest: David Choe
Date: December 22, 2025

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Episode Overview

In this powerful and deeply honest conversation, neuroscientist Andrew Huberman and artist David Choe explore the ways in which pain, trauma, addiction, and shame can be transformed into creative expression and ultimately into healing. Choe—well-known for his murals at Facebook, his wild life story, and his raw, confessional art—shares his journey from profound personal struggles to hard-won recovery and renewed creative purpose. Through vulnerability, humor, and hard truths, the dialogue moves from the influence of childhood, the role of shame and addiction, cycles of self-destruction and self-discovery, to the everyday tools for hope, resilience, and growth.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Why David Choe Can’t Sit Still – The Flight from Self

[00:00] – [03:00]

• Choe attributes his gambling and various addictions to a lifelong need to run from himself, never wanting to “sit still” and face who he was.
• Activities ranged from graffiti and music to relentless travel and work.
  • Quote: “I can’t sit still because that means I have to sit with myself and I can’t do that. I couldn’t do that. I can now.” – Choe [00:48]

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2. The Power of Vulnerability (and Humor) in Art & Science

[04:54] – [12:53]

• Choe describes how painting or music is non-logical and invites people to move from their “head to their heart,” especially for thinkers like Huberman.
• Emphasizes the centrality of care and vulnerability, both in art and in human connection.
  • Quote: “The longest journey you’ll ever take is from your head to your heart.” – Choe [04:54]
  • Quote: “The invisible ingredient in everything in art is: Did the person care?” – Choe [11:48]

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3. The Influence of Family—Faith, Shame, and Warped Self-Esteem

[27:28] – [40:46]

• Choe’s mother instilled in him blind faith and an unwavering belief in his greatness, patterned after her own religious devotion.
• Simultaneously, he felt unworthy, internalizing familial and cultural shame about not conforming, and facing repeated abuse and neglect.
  • Quote: “She brainwashed me into believing I’m the best…even when I hated myself.” – Choe [31:10]

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4. Addiction Is Universal, and It’s All Gambling

[96:20] – [104:01]

• Choe reveals the universality of addiction, arguing all compulsions, even drinking or overworking, are a way of gambling with one’s life.
• The allure shifts over time from winning to losing—chasing pain and shame.
  • Quote: “Every single addiction is gambling addiction. If you drink and drive, you’re gambling your life.” – Choe [96:20]
  • Quote: “At first, in every addiction, you want to win…Winning a million dollars feels great. Losing ten million feels even better.” – Choe [102:50]

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5. Shame as Fuel—Chasing Pain to Make Art

[53:30] – [87:59]

• Recurring thread: shame is both a wound and a creative engine for Choe.
• He describes formative moments of vulnerability—his brothers reading his diary as a child, public career humiliations, being rejected by the art world and even porn magazines (!).
• Over time, he realizes “I’m a shame chaser—shame and anger are my drug.”
  • Quote: “What’s my drug? Workaholism. But really, my drug I’ve chased my whole life is shame and anger.” – Choe [87:50]
  • Quote: “You have to be ready to get naked. Pour your soul out and let people say, ‘that sucks’.” – Choe [53:30]

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6. Transformation Through Adaptation, Surrender, and Community

[68:10] – [154:59]

• Choe details how creativity, business, and adaptation intertwine—survival means becoming “the best at disappointing [my] parents,” faking it until you make it, taking huge risks.
• Addiction and workaholism can be socially rewarded even when personally destructive.
• Genuine transformation came not through further achievement, but by asking for help, joining men’s groups, going to therapy, and building community.
  • Quote: “You will never outthink a feeling, you will never outsmart a feeling. You’re applying logic to a spiritual problem.” – Choe [71:55]
  • Quote: “I’m taking space. I’m taking care of me now.” – Choe [180:42]

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7. On Legacy, Enoughness, and the Real Meaning of Creativity

[194:37] – [225:07]

• Choe and Huberman reflect on the fleeting nature of legacy, and the societal stories about what constitutes success.
• The conclusion is that “right now” and genuine, lived connection are what matters; allowing oneself to be “enough” is the deepest challenge.
  • Quote: “You just have this. Right now, today, and that’s it. You don’t need to do more. You are enough.” – Choe [205:14]
  • Quote: “Allowing myself to feel everything…telling myself I am enough…It’s simple, but it’s hard.” – Choe [215:40]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• The Power of Belief: “I have blind faith. I still believe in Santa Claus, 100%. You can’t say anything to make me not believe that.” – Choe [53:34]
• Creativity Born in the Mundane: “Brilliance is found in Milpitas, in Gilroy. Brilliance is found in the mundane, sitting in the waiting room.” – Choe [104:59]
• On Being Rewarded for Bad Behavior: “Every single time I speak up, scream, break the law—I get to do a Linkin Park album, Sean Parker notices me.” – Choe [104:59]
• Shame as Addiction: “Shame is so powerful… At this point, I've been to all the 12-step meetings... I'm chasing the shame.” – Choe [96:20], [102:50]
• Advice to Huberman: “You’ve done enough. You deserve to take a year off. You’re not going to outsmart the feeling.” – Choe [203:58]
• Art as Nakedness: “To draw something big on a wall and have thousands of people see it before 8:00 a.m.—that’s you being naked.” – Choe [110:56]
• Tools for Enoughness: “Wake up every day and say, I’m a good person. It’s simple, but it’s hard. You have to work at it.” – Choe [223:27]

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Important Timestamps & Segments

• [00:00] – Opening confessions on addiction and running from self
• [27:28] – Childhood influences, faith, and shame from family dynamics
• [40:46] – Early career, rejection in art, and story of Facebook mural
• [53:30] – On heartbreak, creative expression, being truly vulnerable
• [87:50] – “I am a shame chaser”—addictions, public shaming, and resilience
• [96:20] – All addictions as gambling, and the psychology of winning vs. losing
• [104:59] – Surviving and thriving; transformation through community and humility
• [154:58] – Friendship with Anthony Bourdain, cycles of creative explosion, and hitting bottom
• [194:37] – Discussion of legacy, the trap of achievement, and the path to “enoughness”
• [223:27] – Concrete mental health tools: “play the tape out,” daily affirmations, gentle self-talk
• [225:07] – Hope and faith as daily practices, moving forward by asking for help

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Closing Thoughts

The episode is a master class in vulnerability and self-examination. Choe’s raw honesty—about addiction, shame, failure, and creative struggle—serves as both a warning and an inspiration. Huberman guides the conversation with sensitivity, revealing that the science of healing is as much about connection, self-compassion, and acceptance as it is about tools and protocols. Whether personally touched by addiction and shame, or seeking inspiration for creative growth, listeners are left with a sense of hope, faith, and the possibility of transformation.

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Listen If:

• You seek raw, candid conversation about creativity, trauma, and recovery
• You’re interested in how pain can be processed into art or personal growth
• You want to hear two masters—one of science, one of art—exchange tools for healing, resilience, and living fully

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Listener Resources:

• For those struggling with addiction, shame, or depression, consider reaching out to support groups, therapists, and trusted people around you.
• As Choe models: start with community, honesty, and daily practices of hope.

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Memorable Exchange

“You are absolutely heard and you’re absolutely understood. And I’m very grateful to you. The permission to tell oneself and feel that they are enough is…that’s oddly the hardest thing. But the encouragement is heard. It lands.”
— Andrew Huberman [224:42]

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Transcript

[A]

I'm a severe gambling addict. Every single addiction is gambling addiction. If you drink and drive, you're. Gambling addiction is one of those things. You can't apply logic to people. What are you running from, Dave? And it's like, I'm running from myself, dude. I don't want to look in the mirror. I don't want to see myself. I, I hate myself. So I'm just running. So as long as I'm like doing graffiti, running from the police, you know, just, just, just hopping on a train, like, like literal running, like literally running to make sure I'm never sit still for one second, like, what are you doing, Dave? I'm playing drums in a band. I'm, you know, at a casino. I'm traveling, doing the news for Vice. I'm painting at this. Like, I can't, I can't sit still because that means I have to sit with myself and I can't do that. I can't do that. I couldn't do that. I couldn't do that. I can now.

[B]

Welcome to the Huberman Lab podcast, where we discuss science and science based tools for everyday life. I'm Andrew Huberman and I'm a professor of neurobiology and ophthalmology at Stanford School of Medicine. My guest today is David Cho. David Cho is an artist. He's a highly accomplished painter, graffiti and street artist, writer, podcaster, and television host. Many of you are perhaps familiar with David as the guy who famously painted the original Facebook offices, took equity for the job, and got rich. Now, that's a wild story, but David's whole life journey, what he did prior to and after that, and what he has overcome along the way, is a million times wilder. As he shares today, David grew up hearing and thinking that he was destined for greatness, but also hearing and thinking that he was a total disgrace. Today, he talks with complete openness and vulnerability, about addiction, about cycles of success and failure, and about channeling and over overcoming deep shame. Today's podcast is unlike any other that I've hosted. David is wide open about his childhood abuse, his massive success, then career setbacks, relapses, and transmuting every possible emotion into art along the way. So no matter who you are, David's story, and just as importantly, how he's living right now, how he shows up on this podcast will change what you think is possible for you in life. It will force you to look inward and to use whatever joy and pain you have inside of you to. To be the best human being you can possibly be. David Cho is, as we say in science, an n of 1, meaning there is no other like him. Yes, because of his incredible art, but also for his willingness to share so openly and honestly so that others can benefit and grow. I consider it a true honor and privilege to host David on this podcast. And frankly, it's impossible not to love him. This one is incredibly raw and honest. It's also full of surprises, many of which are fun surprises, so buckle up. Before we begin, I'd like to emphasize that this podcast is separate from my teaching and research roles at Stanford. It is, however, part of my desire and effort to bring zero cost to consumer information about science and science related tools to the general public. In keeping with that theme, today's episode does include sponsors. And now for my discussion with David Cho. David Cho, welcome.

[A]

Thank you for having me, man.

[B]

Huge, longtime fan. Love your art. I've been super Inspired by your YouTube channel. I watch it sometimes before I do my drawing or I prepare for a podcast.

[A]

What are you drawing?

[B]

I draw a lot of anatomy on top of some paintings. So I do neuroanatomy on top of some paintings that my friend Tim Armstrong's been doing. Musician at Elite Center.

[A]

Is it anatomically correct or is it, like, exaggerated or is it.

[B]

This is a really good question. So in essence, it's anatomically correct. But around the turn of the last century, two guys, Cajal and Golgi, won the Nobel Prize for drawing the nervous system and showing these things no one had seen before. And they stripped away everything except.

[A]

I'm gonna come paint with you. I'm gonna come paint with you.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I don't like what's happening in your painting studio. Okay. Just from what you said so far, it's. It's not good.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

But it's good because you did that. And then now we have to. We have to strip that away. We have to get at the core of it, because painting is. Wait, weren't you in the middle of complimenting me? Like, keep going.

[B]

I mean, I love your YouTube channel. I watch it before I prepare podcasts and before I paint or draw. And I'm back to drawing a lot now. And I live. I converted an art gallery into the living space, and somehow I thought that that would make me more inspired, but it turns out it does. A lot of things do. But I think the key with anatomy and trying to teach science with drawings is. Can't be too much detail, can't be too little detail. Otherwise people are overwhelmed.

[A]

It's the best thing for. I think everyone but for someone like you, who spends a lot of time in your head, I always say the longest journey you'll ever take in your life is from your head to your heart. And to be an intellectual person, you just live a lot. You try to rationalize and apply logic to everything. So painting is not that. Music is not that. Creating is not that. It's just to get to this. And so for. But it sounds just in the little that you've explained, that your painting is very methodical, which super meticulous.

[B]

I want to include every cell type.

[A]

Yeah. What's your threshold for positive affirmations? Can I go now? Like you?

[B]

I mean, I like to think I have a thick skin, but.

[A]

All right, let's go.

[B]

Who knows?

[A]

No, it's all love. Okay. For anyone who's watching or listening, this is my first time meeting Adam.

[B]

Andrew. All good?

[A]

Yeah. All good.

[B]

All good. You knew my last name.

[A]

You know what I was thinking about my friend Adam. All good. That. You know, that used to skate with, I think, Adam Crone. Yeah. Yeah, that's. I was just thinking, like, Upper Playground. Yeah, Upper Playground.

[B]

Yeah. He worked. His dad owns Krohn Shoes in Palo Alto.

[A]

He wants to reconnect with you, man.

[B]

Adam Krone and I grew up together.

[A]

Yeah. I was just.

[B]

He had a mini ramp in his backyard. We hung out, we skateboarded. And then he started Upper Playground. The Walrus.

[A]

That's it.

[B]

He's your homie.

[A]

I used to work for. I did tons of drafts for Upper Playground. So does anyone call you Andy?

[B]

My skateboard friends call me Andy, so.

[A]

Yeah, but that's it. Like, no one in the medical, like, science world.

[B]

Not anymore. No, not really.

[A]

That would have, like, you start your podcast and you do your. You're like, I'm Andrew Huberman. Like, I'm gonna be all over the place because I'm nervous being here right now. I hardly do podcasts anymore, so I'm gonna be all over the place, if that. It's gonna be. It's gonna be sloppy.

[B]

This is your canvas, man.

[A]

Have fun. Well, I'm just meeting you. I already called you the wrong name, which is horrible. I hate the black. I hate it. Like, the studio, just you with the black T shirt, the black mugs, the black. Like, I don't like it for you, you know? Cause I used to. I used to only wear black because I was like, ah, I'm a painter. I'm always dirty. I don't want to. Like, you know, you could see the ketchup stains on my sweater. And it's like, okay, that's fine. But I just. Colors are very important in not just painting, but, like the palette for your house or, you know, like most people talk about in the modern age, modern man is, you know, and I. And I just make up so you could. Correct. You're like the facts guy. But I. I feel like most people, human beings alive today are going to die a very. It's mean to say boring, but just the same death, right? You'll most likely die laying down in a bed or hospice or in a hospital, but, you know, it's just like, no one's dying. Like, I know there's other countries where there's war and famine, but I'm saying modern cities, you know, like, there's not like a hero's death, right? So it's just. It's all the same. And then you just, you know, the drive here in traffic, it's like everyone either has a black car or a white car or a gray car. And then you get to their house, and their house is a beige or a white, and you're just like, we only got one of these, you know, whatever your views on the afterlife are. But this is it. This is it. Like, this is it. And it's just like, people get mad of like, oh, I spilled paint on the floor. Like, I got a scratch. I'm like, paint everything. Paint your fucking car. Paint and make your. My kids drew my sweater. It's my favorite, you know? Like, I like that sweater, you know? So I walk in here and I go, fuck, dude. Like, and I'm projecting on you now. Like, when I wore all black, it said a lot about where I was at in my life. And I don't know where you're at because I'm just meeting you, but it's like, everything is black on black. Like, black on the black T shirt, black mug, black. And it's like white T shirt. For my dream. My. My selfishly, my dream is like, this podcast would start instead of saying, hey, I'm Andrew Huberman, like, Stanford scientist that is just. Hi, I'm Andy. And then like, you. Can you Photoshop like, a white T shirt on?

[B]

I'd wear a white T shirt.

[A]

I don't know. I don't like black. For me, I. I have hardly ever black clothes anymore. I want to add as much color because I just. Maybe that's the season I am in my life or the. The time I'm in. But, yeah, I appreciate you saying the nice stuff. I never thought I would be a YouTuber. But that's providing a lot of joy in my life. And so I want to say to you, I'm meeting you for the first time. I've never seen you clean shaven, but I imagine, I mean, your beard and facial hair to me look very cute. You're very handsome. Your voice, when I hear your voice immediately is soothing. And I feel like this is a very kind person. Like, I once again, without having, like, now I've met you for like five minutes, I'm like, oh, this guy's super awesome. But, you know, like these kind of parasocial relationships where I could go even I don't know how hard you want to go today, but like, it's like I meet people all the time and then I meet them and it's like, I've already met you, like, we've already talked. I don't know what your views on telepathy and spirituality. And it's like, it's just everyone will meet. Everything's going to happen the way it's going to happen, and everyone's going to meet who they need to meet. It's like all energy, right? You put this, like, why, you know, I could sit there and go, why does Andrew Huberman want to meet me right now? And it's like, well, what am I putting out in the universe and what is he putting out in the universe? And do the souls connect in that way? You know? So I just want. I said, if I ever meet him, I just want to tell him how cute he is, how soothing and relaxing. And like, there's something very. This is the invisible ingredient in like, everything in art is did the person care? Right? Like, I don't care how skilled and crafted, whatever. Like, did the person care? And like, when you do stuff in your voice, the tone, the frequency that's hitting my. My soul is like, oh, I don't know. Everything that guy's saying, he's using some big words, but I feel like he cares. And so I said, if I ever meet you, and I know a little bit from us talking on the phone, but I don't know your whole backstory. But I'm like, also, I project a lot and I make a lot of assumptions, which that's a defect that I'm working on. But I just wanted to say, like, even though you had a horrific traumatic childhood, like, the fact that you're here, you're alive, and that you're doing all this good stuff, it, like, it makes me emotional because I'm like, I. I don't Even know you, and I appreciate what you're doing. And you're still a little bit immature, but progress, not perfection, right? So I think that's it for now. But I just wanted to tell you all that because I. I feel that way about you, and I. I, you know, I, like, I. I'm a big. Sometimes you feel stuff and you're like, I'll text it to them or maybe, you know, and I just go, no. If I feel that, I just want to. Especially if it's love and positivity. I know I started by telling you how much I hate your decor and your interior decorating, but it's because I like you. Like, I wouldn't if I didn't. If I, like. If I'm like, I don't give a shit about this guy and I don't want a relationship with. I would never say anything, but I'm like this. I don't know what the science behind it, but being surrounded by this much black cannot be good, right? It can't. Like, just. You want. We're walking into a black hole right now. Like, I don't know. Anyways, that's. That's what I wanted to say.

[B]

Oh, man. Well, I'll take that in. Thank you lot there. Thank you.

[A]

Were you able to take it in?

[B]

Yeah, I was able to take in some of that. I did you. When you call me Andy, it's. It's a different part of my Persona just because that names carry a lot.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Thank you for that. I'm gonna take that in. And, you know, I get this little voice in my head that's saying, I wanna be very clear. You know, my. I had some rough, rough aspects of my childhood. I've made good amends with my parents, so we're good now. I say that to, you know, for all the reasons people can assume. But here's the thing. I knew somehow that we'd eventually cross paths. I just didn't know when. So you say the telepathy thing for me. I was a postdoc at Stanford. That comes after PhD. You do, like, five years. It's kind of like a residency. And I'm from the South Bay, and I didn't want to go back to the South Bay because, as you know, no disrespect to the South Bay, a lot of interesting things come out of there, but it was pretty devoid of the things that I like, which normally are in cities, like art, live music. It used to be like that Grateful Dead were in Palo Alto. I saw Fugazi play at the at the edge on California Avenue. There was a lot of interesting things about politics. It became very right angles when the tech industry really exploded there. And in 2007, when I was a postdoc was when you were muraling at Facebook. I learned that later.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But that was a time when I was back there for my science career. And I was pretty miserable being close to home again. Honestly, I didn't want to ever go back there for a while. It was not healing books. But when I learned your story about muraling at Facebook and some of that, I was like, oh, there was at least one other person here who was like in the kind of spiritual, emotional fight with what the South Bay is. And then I realized that I heard an interview with Ian McKay from Meyer Threat. It turns out he had been in Palo Alto. Cause his dad was an academic or something like that, of course. And he had skated some of the same ditches we had. And so there's a history of people being really frustrated with being there.

[A]

Really good Vietnamese food.

[B]

Is there really? Yeah. Oh, in Palo Alto or the South Bay?

[A]

Yeah, South Bay. Oh, yeah.

[B]

Castro Street, Mountain View.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And it's changed a lot. But take me back to 2007. I don't know how you feel about historical stuff.

[A]

Okay. So we're definitely. I'm definitely down to time travel and time jump and all that, but because my. I'm older, I'm 49, and my attention span is just completely fried. I'll just say right now I'm going to get a lot of dates wrong. Like, I'm not like, you know, things people are like that, you know, like.

[B]

2007 was when the Facebook offices were what kids from the South Bay call the neck of University Avenue. Right before it goes under the train tracks. As soon as you're on the other side of the train tracks, Caltrain, it becomes Palm Drive, and it's up to Stanford. And so those offices now are Palantir.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Which catches a lot of heat for other reasons. But those offices right as you go under the train tracks, for us, there was a curb cut right there, and there was a board slide thing. And so for the skateboarders, it was one thing, but then that was Facebook offices. And years later, I heard David Cho was muraling at Facebook. So how did that come to me?

[A]

I'm gonna be like, very sloppy, like I said. And it's maybe some of the stuff. Cause sometimes the way I treat talking and journalism and podcasts is like, it's like a story in my own head, someone else is like, just shut the fuck up and answer the question. Right. But like, for me, when I paint, I don't sketch. I go straight to finish. And I. So sometimes I'm figuring out what I'm trying to tell you because you asked me a question that's very direct, but the way it went into my head was very abstract because I'm. So if you let me do a little paint mixing, I hope I'll answer your question. But do you know Pee Wee? Pee Wee? Like, I'm wearing it today. Do you know Pee Wee's Playhouse?

[B]

I knew. Oh, yeah. I mean, yeah. I met him actually once.

[A]

Paul Rubens.

[B]

Yeah. At a photo show of Mike Muller and Sage, who draws butterflies on Mike Muller's Sharks and Animals. And Pee Wee Herman in his thing, in his suit. The whole thing walked up. Laird Hamilton was there.

[A]

Nice.

[B]

And he walks up to Laird Hamilton. There are a bunch of people around. Everyone's trying to get to Laird. Laird. Laird's like a. This was 2017 and was in West Hollywood. And Pee Wee Herman walks up and he goes, I have to meet you. And Laird's like. And the best thing is Laird just goes, oh, hello. What's your name? Like, typical Laird. Like, Laird's a real gentleman always, you know.

[A]

You didn't know who Pee Wee Herman was.

[B]

I couldn't tell if he knew her or not. And he's like, I really wanted to meet you. This kind of thing. And I was like, no way. And he had the whole thing, like, the shiny lips and the thing. And I was like, that's P. Herman.

[A]

That's amazing. I love that. Yeah. All right. Well, I mean, I'm definitely gonna have to tell you my Pee Wee Herman story at some point.

[B]

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[A]

So.

[B]

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[A]

Free sample pack for me, Art as a kid growing up, like the trifecta, my holy trinity of children's Education, art Entertainment is Mr. Rogers, Bob Ross, and then of course, Pee Wee Herman. I mean, Pee Wee Herman had Laurence Fishburne, Gary Panter, Mark Mothersbaugh, like Danny Elfman. Like, he just, he was like the ringleader of all this creativity. And he had like mecha, like a high Mecca, Heiny Ho. And do you remember the. Do you remember the secret word? The secret word was like, if anyone our age that's watching People's Playhouse, it was like, today's secret word is. I don't know. What's our secret word today, Rob? Microphone. Microphone. And if, if someone says microphone, scream real loud. So can we do that today? Sure. All right. I'm counting on you. I want you to scream the loudest and you don't take a pee until we take a pee. We got a agreement on that? Okay. All right. I hated the South Bay. I hate, Like, I just, I'm. I have all the typical art artists traits. I'm clinically depressed, I'm bipolar. I have all the processed addictions. Food, sex, gambling, shopping, workaholism. Like, I don't have, thank God, I don't have any of the chemical addictions because I'm allergic to everything. But severe ocd, severe antisocial traits, you know, I just. Highly sensitive, you know, So I, I just coming here today, like, you asked me and I kept text, like, I know we did this, like, dance for a few months and I. If I'm just being honest with you, like, I don't, I don't know how to not be me, you know, and sometimes, like, I put a mask on and I, I'm like, I think this is what Andrew wants me to be today. But I, you know, I didn't even meet you yet. And so every time I've done Joe Rogan or any other podcast, like, I don't know, I just feel comfortable doing my own YouTube or my own podcast. But anytime anyone else asks me, it's such a. I know who I am. And sometimes I don't, and sometimes I figure that out. And it's. Sometimes you meet people on the street, at pavilions or at the supermarket, and they're like, I. And it's like this parasocial thing where it's like, I know you, I relate to you. And there's something about that where, you know, the intimacy of meeting another human being and then just showing them your heart and then telling them everything. And my parents aren't going to listen to this. My brothers don't listen to, like, so in a weird way, like, you're going to know more about me today than my own family. So the parasocial thing is, even it's real, right? Like, placebo effect is real. Like, all these things. So I, you know, I got here early. I went for a walk down the. To those street, and then it's like just this beautiful view of the ocean. And I. It happens every time. It's like, I know what it makes me sound like. It's like, oh, this guy's, like, very unstable and unhinged. And I'd be the first to admit, it's like I cry all the time now. Like, I don't know what it was. Just like, maybe just seeing all the burned houses on the way here. Just knowing that I haven't talked in a long time and there's no upside for me. And I told you that I was like. I go on these podcasts, and I think Howard Stern, like, 15, 20 years ago, and Joe Rogan, the multiple times I've been on his show, I think are the only two radio shows. Podcasts that have ever just aired it without editing everyone else. Every time you've ever heard me on any other podcast, it's either severely edited, or they cut out huge chunks of it, or they didn't even air it at all. So I know that, you know, and I know the world we live in today. And so there's something that went, you know, in the. The narcissistic traits where, like, I'm the fucking greatest artist in the world to like, oh, my God, I'm a piece of shit. Like, it just, you know, it's just like this thing. And before, when I was younger, it was like, everyone has to see everything. Everyone has. Like, I think I'm so important that everyone has to see everything that I create. Painting, podcast, book, like, whatever it is. And then it went like, my problem with my shit is it's all or nothing, so it's hard for me to find the middle. And so at this point Now, I'm like, 49. I live a very quiet dad life. You know, I'm a family guy. And there's just thousands of paintings no one's ever seen. There's hundreds of hours, if not thousands of hours of podcasts I've never put out. There's books I've written, there's TV shows, movies that I've made that it's just. I don't. Before the ego and the narcissist. Like, you need to put this out because you're important, and everyone needs to see how important you are. And now the flip side to that, and maybe, maybe it's not healthy either, is like, I know who I am. I'm comfortable with myself. And I don't need, you know, I'm artificially blocked from everything. Like, I don't have my own password to my social media. I don't. I have blocks on my phone, so I can't access the Internet. So it's like I do put all these things into place to like, protect myself because I'm a sensitive person. So, you know, as an artist, there's certain isms and stories. It's like, oh, starving artists, you're not going to make any money. Like, struggling artists, there's these stories that people say and then you buy into them. But I had a few teachers along the way that influenced me that, like, you know, there's like just certain moments happen in your life that live in your head rent free. And I have a lot of those. And so one of the stories is, you know, I'm 49. It's like, you have to live in New York City. If you make it in New York, you make it anywhere. What the fuck am I doing in the 408? Like, this is. What am I doing in Coopertine? Like, like in my head the story's written that you're a. You know, and I hadn't done shit, right? But in my head I'm like, you're a greatest artist ever in Gilroy. You know? Like what, you know what I mean?

[B]

Sorry, no disrespect to Gilroy.

[A]

Like the garlic capital of Garlic Fest. Garlic ice cream, you know. So there's a story in my head that it's like, I gotta get to New York City, right? Like, I gotta, like, I couldn't, I couldn't get any, like, leeway in Los Angeles. I'm born and raised in la and I just, I couldn't, you know, and, and so I, I, I. And now I look back, if I do a inventory of the most creative explosions and the most periods of creativity in my life. It's always found in the mundane. It's always found in cold temperatures. It's always found when there's no WI fi. It's always found in a suburb of. It's, it's like this story. Like, I want to get to New York and I'm going to be part of this movement. It's never that. Like, it's nice to romanticize that, but it's these moments of brilliance. Like someone, whoever's listening right now, they're like, I got this. And then I'm. There's like a. And then I'm gonna get to this, and then I'm gonna meet this person and I'm gonna do. And it's like, bro, I was fucking living in San Jose for seven years. I met this wonderful lady. She was my girlfriend for seven years. But like, at that prime, I was 23, and I was like. And. For me, the stakes are so high because I. So one of the teachers was my mother, right? My mother is hardcore born again Christian. So science does not enter the picture, right? It's like blinders on. And through her, I learned blind faith, right? Jesus Christ. That's it. There's no. There's no. So wait, you're telling me there was an actual ark with two animals and all the. The two animals didn't kill the other? And like, you know, and there was Adam and there was a snake that talked and said, yeah, like, no hesitation. So she gave me that gift of like, like, hey, science, like facts. No, blind, like, just holy shit. Like, there's nothing could falter. And you're like, you're fucking stupid. You're ignorant. Like. And she's. But she's not. She's a bright woman. And now I look back and like, I just met you. You're a brilliant guy. And I sit here and I go, I know some of the smartest people on the planet. You know some of the smartest people on the planet. And they're all dumb. They're all like, idiots. You're like, wait, you're a genius. You have photographic memory. You created this company and you made some of the dumbest decisions I've ever. You know, it's like. It's like, yeah, you're really good at this, but you don't know relationships or you don't know. So. So my mom taught me through just not anything, but just watching her of just this absolute belief. And. And one of her beliefs was, you're my son. You know, this is some Jesus shit. Like, me, who is like, how I explain this just neurotic mess. Like, growing up in an unstable family and all that. Got molested. Every abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse, like, just chaotic because they were working and I was just like, left out in the wild, abandoned. Spiritual abuse, all this. And she's just like, in the same way she believed in God and Jesus. She's like, you're the one. You're the greatest artist. And I'm like 5 years old. I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about she's like, no one's better than you. No one's better than you. You're the best. You're gonna be the great. You know, your name's David. Like a lot of Koreans named after Bible. She's like, I named you after King David. You're gonna be a king. And I go, but now in hindsight, I'm like, and yes, King David beat Goliath, but he also was a sex addict and had a lot of mental illness and like failed a lot, you know, she didn't tell me all that shit, you know, so she's, she's raising me, she's brainwashing me. It's like, you're the best. You're the greatest. And then you, you know, I've met other artists where it's like everyone has, has their own paths. Some become great because the parents are like, you're nothing. You're a piece of. You're the worst. You know, who the do you think you are? I had the opposite. I had a mom. Just. It didn't matter. It didn't matter. Like, but mom, look at how horrible. It's like, you're the greatest. And so it's like at some point I hate myself. I have like a. So such a low self opinion of myself. I'm. I'm just down on myself. Just this kid just constantly getting bullied and like the world just using me and, and I, and I'm like, of course she says that she's my mom, you know, like. But she just brainwashed me into believing that I'm the best. And I would, as a, as a trickster and a shapeshifter, I would. You know what most artists lack is like an ability to communicate with words. That's why they're such brilliant artists and that's why they can make great music and all this. Because they can't. I can't. You know, like, I'm gonna probably talk to you for a few hours today and I'm gonna leave here feeling misunderstood. I'm gonna be like, fuck did I? Because I'm not in the same way. I can like translate what I feel in a painting. It's very like. It's like when people describe like ayahuasca or something, they're like, try to describe and they're like the words that you're trying to look for don't exist for what you just went through. So that's kind of the why. Why I get really self judgmental, but I'm like this woman and you know My dad, he loves me, but he's like, he's all right. He's okay, you know? And I'd watch my mom, who was just like a brutal businesswoman, you know, and she would transform, you know, we, we, we, we. You know, I. I spent most of my life either poor or middle class. You know, like, being wealthy came later, but so, you know, we were on welfare a lot. Our businesses burned down in LA riots. Like, I saw my parents struggle a lot, you know, but then they would do good. And they had the gambler's mentality, which a lot of Asians do. And I. I have that too, which is just. I don't know if this is true, but I heard that Asians have the gambling gene more than other races, especially the women. Like, most women don't have the gambling gene the same way men do. So my mom would gamble, like, flipping houses, or like, not in a casino, but, like, just huge, like, huge swings, which you're like, I grew up with a fearless woman, you know, but. So we wouldn't have stuff. But then I would watch my mom open the trunk of her car and put on, like, fake jewelry, cubic zirconium, because she's about to go into a meeting and ask for a lot of money and just. Just insane lying and. But hardcore Christian. So, like, the hypocrisy there, like, I'm definitely. I'm trying to work on my own, breaking out. So it's like, I'm going to be hypocritical in this interview, and at the end, hopefully I'll be able to correct any exaggerations that relies. But that's a new tool that I have. I used to just, you know, whatever for the story, you know, I lied to tell the truth, you know, all those things. So I'd watch my mom transform from, like, a poor woman. The mentality was she's like, my. My son is the greatest artist in the world. And, like, I'm, you know, I'm coming out of my Toyota hatchback with the broken window, you know, But I. When I go in this meeting right now, you're not going to see that. So she transformed herself into this rich, powerful woman and just like, get, like, I'm. I'm just sitting there, a kid in the corner, watching this woman get what she wants. I'm like, holy, what the fuck was that performance? And then just coming out, and I'm like, but, mom, that's not. Like, those things you said, that wasn't real. That's not true. And she's like, yeah, they don't need to know that. And I'm like, but we just went to church and we learned the Ten Commandments and you're not supposed to lie. And it's like all this, like, confusion. And then I meet Sean Parker, who, you know, just the sweetest kid. You know, just. He started emailing me right when he started Napster. He goes, I wish. I have all the emails. I keep certain emails and voice messages. And I just. I just. That's my own nostalgia. But like, I have a. I have a voicemail and a handwritten letter from Howard Stern saying thank you for getting me into watercolors. I was like, dude, my fucking hero. Like, yes. Like, it's such a good feeling. I have a voice message from Pee Wee Herman, which I'll share later. And all my early emails with Sean Parker I kept just because it was. He's such an interesting, like, wonderful. I know, like, the image of him. But like, I. We don't talk like, as. Like we used to, but I still consider him a friend. And I'm over forever grateful to him. But so he. I met him at a time when, like, I mean, I don't even know how to. I mean, like, just complete disgrace and shame to my family. You know, it's like the immigrant story. Talk to any immigrant. Why the fuck did you leave your home to come to another country? Because it was shitty there. That's it. You're not born in a country and you're like, dude, let's leave, right? The only reason why anyone's here is cause it was shitty where you were at, right? So then they all. It doesn't matter if you're Asian or Mexican, whatever. You came here for a better life. And what does that mean? Work your ass off. So we are. We're in a nation of workaholics, right? This is an entire country of workaholics. So my parents, you know, I didn't go through it, but they're like Japanese tanks rolled down the street and, you know, they have the typical, like, fucking war, famine, all that stuff. So they get over here and like, born and raised in Los Angeles, you know, it's like, don't know who I am, don't know where I belong. Just bullied, abandoned, abused, over and over and just. I didn't even really know the concept of suicide, but I hated myself. Like, I couldn't live in my. Like, it felt like I was burning inside my own body. And so even made fun of, like. Like, I listened to. We. We have the Same taste in music. I listen to minutemen, minor threats, you know, I'm blasting down set inside out. Soundgarden slaves and bold. I used to put on Soundgarden slaves and bulldozers. Punch myself. It's like just like I'm in my room a teenagers punching myself as hard as I can just to like go into like a berserker rage. And I. And I just. Back then, like I found pornography and it was just so soothing. Like it was like getting high. Like I would just masturbate like over and over again. So I'm. I'm like master. But I would do like weird self harm. I guess the kids call it edging. But I could. I'd masturbate but then not come and then beat myself up. And I'm going through puberty. And I would go out and I'd shoplift spray cans like just at, you know, hardware stores. And I'm listening to, you know, I would get like a faith no more like in living colors, just like some song and I would just like an ocd just repeat like some lyric in it. I am a patient boy. And I would just like go into like a trance and I would just go out and I would just fucking spray paint. And I'm living at home, so I'm not hiding this shit. I come home, my hands covered in black paint. This is what we fucking came to this country for. This is why we. We fucking left another country. So you could come here and not be an art, but do like, you're a disgrace. You're a disgrace to our race. You're. You know. And my dad would just like fucking throw me against the wall and I'm like, I don't care, dude. I don't care what you're like. Do you understand? Like I wasn't like actively trying to kill myself, but I didn't like. Do you understand that everything you care about, I don't care. You get that and like, you know, you start the show and I was laughing because it's like, hey, I'm Andrew Huberman, scientist, Stanford this that. I'm like, I don't care. Like I like Andy. Like, I like that, you know. And then I was like, you know what? This is like stolen valor. Sean Parker starting Facebook with Mark Zuckerberg. You know, I'm there at the beginning and so he brings me in and at the time when I first. This is years. The emails back and forth. He's like, I need. Because the energy I was putting out at the time was what I'm telling you right now, just. I don't give a. I don't care what you care about. Like, I don't. Like, it's just complete. I don't care if I go to jail. I don't. Like, I'm just painting on everything. And it's like graffiti. Graffiti is vandal. It's not an art. It's not graffiti artist or street art. It's fucking vandalism. It's a crime. And people are telling me, anyone out there doing street art? Like, there's so many rules. There's so many. Like, what did you write? Did you used to tag or anything?

[B]

No, but I had a good point.

[A]

If you skated, you definitely had like a.

[B]

There were some kids in our crew that.

[A]

What did you tag? Come on.

[B]

No, because I had friends who were like, graphers, and they were. They like, boxed us out, you know? Undershadows kids never did graffiti. No, but we can talk about this later. I want to hear. I want to hear from you now. But later, we should talk about Orphan and the undershadows crew, which is a. Which is a kind of a thing in the Bay Area.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, I heard of him.

[B]

Yeah, he was a good friend of mine. But anyway, I didn't graffiti.

[A]

Okay. So I.

[B]

But I. I drew on my grip tape.

[A]

All right, that's good.

[B]

But no, I wasn't a tagger. Wasn't a graffiti guy.

[A]

Yeah. So I'm out doing, like, that, and, you know, like, you know, we can have, like, a conversation about creativity and this and that, and it's like, I can't. It's. It's very hard to talk about. It's because it's like, can you teach a craft? Can you teach a skill? Can I teach you to paint the Mona Lisa? Yeah, I know how to do all that. I know how to. Like, I went to school. Like, I taught myself. I watched videos. Like, you could teach yourself how to paint something to make it look like something that's a teachable skill. But creativity, where does that come from? Are you just born with it? Is it from deprivation? It's like. It's like a. You know, I could. I can only share what my path. My. My path is. And it's like the embarrassment. Like, you're Asian. You need to get a 4.0. You need to get into UCLA. You need to be a doctor or lawyer. And it's like, me, my. I'm on the middle child. Me and my two brothers, like, long hair, listening to heavy metal and punk. Why are you Doing that white, you know, like. And then he's got Asian kids that are into heavy, you know, like, there's no identity, right? And then it's just like lost. Just like, what the is, you know, like, we don't belong anywhere. Just like the Asian depictions in media is like long duck dong. Asians have small dicks, they can't drive, they're good at math. It's just. Nothing's good, right? And I'm like, I, you know, I'm just trying to figure out my way in this world. And I remember Sean just was attracted to like, whatever. Whatever little art. I'd start getting some noticed in juxtaposed. And I was starting to do graffiti everywhere. And. And he's like, I want that. Whatever that is, I want that. Like, I want to be part of that. And I said. And I forgot what my painting. It was like, right when I couldn't sell a painting. And then all of a sudden they were selling for a couple thousand. And he's like. And he was a teenager still, and he goes, my, I want your art. But the problem is I'm being sued right now for a trillion dollars because every single song is a. Is a lawsuit. You know, I mean, whatever. He. It ended up the way it ended up. But I remember he goes, I'm getting. He showed me a screenshot or whatever. He's like, I'm being sued for $1 trillion right now, so I can't really afford your art. But, like, I'm going to get it, you know? So we. We started this relationship and he would send me these crazy, like, abstract texts of emails of what he wanted me to paint. And then. And then he started another company called Plaxo. And he's like, no. And then finally, you're catching me in the South Bay, you know, I met this girl, we fell in love, and I moved to San Jose, just the most culturally dead place. And everyone's like, rollerblading, working at Apple or MySpace or eBay or, you know, some. Some tech startup. And they're like, we're cool because we have a trampoline and a. You know, we have a. Like a kitchen area where you can have all the Red Bull and snacks you want. And we have bunk beds. So we. And like, that's all so you could just keep working, you know? And so I meet Sean and he's like, dude, we're starting this company called Facebook. And like, we finally have some money. And like, dude, this is. He's like, where are you at? And he didn't know all this, but I just gotten out of prison. I was in jail in Japan because I had beaten up an undercover security guard. I was 27 when I got. And I owed everyone money. I owed my girlfriend money I owed. And so I needed money bad. And I was in, like, a lot of trouble. I, like, was. I didn't know how. How I was going to pay everyone back because it's really hard to sell a painting, you know. But my paintings did sell once in a while, and they were starting to get pretty expensive. And then all the art that I did in jail, I used to work for Vice magazine. I say work because. But I never got paid. But, you know, I, I.

[B]

They didn't pay you?

[A]

No, I, I think people, if anyone's listening, is a little side tangent is. And it's going to definitely sound like ocd, like, I'm keeping a list. And maybe I am, because I don't think about it. But I was sitting the other day, and I go, they all owe me money. Everyone I've ever worked for, like, like, people, like, I got to get, like, someone develops a skill, like, I'm good at songwriting or this or that. And then they go, well, I got, like. The young people's been like, well, that's my craft. I got to get paid. I go, I never got paid. I work for Nike, Levi's, Ruka, Giant Robot, Vice, even my friends Steve Aoki. And like, just all every, like, 88 rising. If I sit here, I'll name everyone, but, like, either they didn't pay me my what they said, or I had to threaten to kill them for them to send me, or. Or they just never paid me, you know? And I met Gavin McInnes when he started Vice, and he had seen some of the art that I did in Giant Robot. He saw that I went to the Congo. He saw, like. And he's like, hey. And it was all punk rock advice when it was like, the big format. And he's like, dude. And he just believed in me. I don't know what he saw. He's like, dude, send me a. A drawing of cops beating up this. And I. And I did it fast. I did. He's like, I need it by tomorrow. And I was like, I can do it. And then he's like, he just was like, hey, write me a story about some shooting in LA Koreatown. Gangster shit. And I go, but I'm not. He's like, just. Just do it. And at one point, that was another figure that was resonated. My mom of like the rules, reality doesn't apply. I'm sitting there going, wait, but I'm not a journalist. I didn't fact checked anything. And there was some issues of Vice where I wrote five different articles under a woman's name, a black guy's name, you know, like, just made up names, articles just to fill up pages. And I would have done the comic section, illustrations, music review, street, you know, fashion, you know, the do's and don'ts. And I'm just like, you can do that. And like, I had already been groomed for that because of my mom. It's like, no, reality doesn't apply. You just. My mom thinks I'm the best artist. And now here's, you know, so Sean's like, okay. And so I'm in what I feel is like purgatory. The 408 San Jose Milpitas, you know, I'm just like, what the fuck is this? Like, And I'm telling myself, I gotta get to. When I get to New York, it's like this Golden Gate, like end of the golden road, like wizard of Oz. Like, when I get there, then something's. I'm get discovered. And then someone's going to be like, and. And because what is it? You know, like what, like people. Like, what is. And I go, I am a. Like, I can be a hater. I can be a loving, sweet, selfless person. I could be like a very hard, judgmental hater to myself. And so I take this so seriously. Like, what we're doing here today is talking. I mean, it's mostly me talking. I could see that, but it's like we're having a conversation, but I think without sounding. It's like, I think it's important. That's why I'm here. Like, I, like I said, like, I'm like, why. I feel like I trust you even though I just met you. But like, yeah, I fucking puked down the street. Because I get. I go, what's the upside? Like, I'm going to talk and then maybe I say something that I didn't mean, or I say it the wrong way, or it gets clipped weird or edited. And I go, and I go, I think it's important. I want to come, I want to talk to you and I. And that's how I feel about my art. So what is that? What is art? What is creativity? And for me it's like, I think sports are very gay, especially skateboarding. Like, I. If I never played sports, I would have never seen another man's penis. You Know, like. And then in my time in sports, it was very rough because I wasn't. I tell. I told myself, any athlete that I paint with, they always start saying the same thing. I suck at drawing. And I go, why did you do that? Why did you immediately shoot yourself in? Like, who said that? Did someone else say that or did you say that? They start with saying something negative. And I go. And then I go, that's exactly what I say. If they try to teach me how to throw a free throw, I go, oh, this is gonna suck. And they go, why did you do that? And so for me, growing up, I grew up in a lot of black neighborhoods where the second, you know, I don't know how to play basketball, but the second I try and I fuck up, it's like, look at the Chinese kid fucking trying, you know? So I go, all right, you know what? I'm not even gonna try it. You know? And it's like, well, you should have just come at like 5 in the morning when no one was there, you know. But like, I was so sensitive. I was like, I don't wanna. So I did things in the. You know, it's. Art is a solitary sport. For the most part, you know, I'm not. There's no Rob there. It's just me. Like. Like, even in the thing, it's like this. Like, don't look at my sketchbook. And. But in here, I can up and fix, erase, whatever. But. So, like in sports, you know, it's like you're slapping guys asses, you're taking showers with them. You're. You're doing all this, like, male bonding stuff. You're just spending a lot of times with other men, right? Like. And I'm like, oh, God. Like, what is the feeling? I'm trying to isolate the feeling. What. Like, what? And I remember because I. I don't. Like, I tell this stuff not to be, like, feel sorry for me or I'm a victim. I don't feel like that. I mean, this. I'm just telling you. I'm like. I'm telling you what happened. And part of it is you do. Like, what. What would you rather. Would you rather someone beat you up for five minutes or have the whole world read your diary? You know, like these kind of. And. And luckily I had both happen, you know, I've been beaten to an inch of my life. I've had, like. I've had broken bones. I've been stabbed, I've been burned. I've been like, everything physically you can think of. And. And I'm still here, right? So there's not much like I like because I have my mom's delusion, like, when I talk to Joe and he's shorter than me. But I know he could probably. Like, logically, I know he could probably kick my ass. I have no fighting background, but in my head, I'm like, I'm pretty sure I could kick his ass and he would fucking. And that's just the way I walk through life. Like, I still believe in Santa Claus. People go, I can't believe I just said that. I don't. I think that's the first time publicly I've ever said that.

[B]

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[A]

I just remember there's. I don't know, it's changed now, but I. I remember when I was a kid, it was around six or seven when they start going, there's no Santa. But I was eight and I was like. And they're like, how dumb are you? And I, I understand this reflects back to my mom and Jesus. I go. And they go, but you've literally never got any presents from Santa. How? And I'd go to shame because I'm a bad kid. I cussed. I was like, I stole stuff from the supermarket, you know, like. And they're like, hey, fuckface, Santa's not real. And I just was like, but he is. I believe that he is. And I believe. I go, there's, there's him not giving me a presentation is like, because I put him in this God category. Maybe he's not God, but maybe he's a God, like a demigod or something. And they go, how is he? How does he know if you're naughty or nice? I go, telepath. How does he get every fucking present to every kid in that time? I'm like, oh, he's a mutant. He can multiply. He can make copies of himself. How does he get through that tiny chimney and go teleport? Like, I just. It's not even a question. I just know, I believe it's. And I don't care how stupid you think, like, I guess this is me coming out with my Santa Claus, but it's just like, I just believe that. And you can't say anything to make me not believe that. That's my blind faith that I got from my mom. So like every Christmas, I'm almost 50, I'm a fucking middle aged man. That. And I go, maybe, maybe this is the year I'm gonna. But now I look back and I go, the gift he gave me of giving me nothing, gave me everything, right? So I, I'm. I'm sitting there and I, I'm drawing. But I have that story in my head too. Like, I suck. Oh, that doesn't look like Batman. Oh, his arm looks weird, you know? And then at some point to this day, all the physical and emotional pain. Sorry, just the physical pain, like, it passes. I've broken bones, I've had my face just pummeled, like, just where you wouldn't reckon, disfigured. But it passes. And if I think back, I don't remember it. But the pain that stays is like heartbreak, betrayal, abandonment. And I just remember my dad would make us keep a journal because he just wanted us to start learning how to write. It started with, if I take you guys to the movies, you have to write a movie review. And it was like we were 8 years old, 7 years old, just, you know, today we saw Karate Kid. Johnny got chased by skeletons. The end. You Know, it was like that. Like a little kid, you know, but he's like, you have to do it. Goonies was cool, you know, so we kept the thing. But then he never asked to read it. He just wanted us to do it. And I was like, oh. So I started, like, getting more brave. I was like, I really like this girl at school. And, like. And I would just start getting really vulnerable and open and just knowing. Because my brothers don't give a shit. Like, but then the thought of, like, what if someone ever read this? So I was, like, opening myself up and just letting. And I was like, oh, my God. Like, it felt so good. Like, I can't tell anyone. Like, I'm having these kind of feelings or, like, you know, like, I fucking hate dad, you know? Like, you know, whatever. And I would take the bottom drawer out of my desk out, and I would hide it under there. And I shared a room with my brother, so I always did it when he. You know, I thought I was being secretive. And I was somewhere between 7, 8, 9. It just, you know, as you get better at writing and I got more. Once I got more comfortable knowing that no one. I just started writing everything. Like my brother. Fucking fart smell. Like, I wish, you know, just, like, everything I would write, just. Just completely. And I came one day and I saw both my brothers on the bed reading it. And it. I remember my face just, like, it felt so hot. Like. Like I felt like someone had just, like, ultimate betrayal. And. And it was like being naked. That's why I bring up the. Like, I felt more naked than being in a room full of naked guys showering, like, slapping. Like, it was the most vulnerable. Like they were being so merciless. You like her and you did that. I can't believe you've. You know, because I wrote everything in that journal. And I. I thought I. I was gonna die from shame and embarrassment. And they. You know, like, the way kids are brothers can be. It was merciless. And they made fun of me for years for that. And in the same way, my face was disfigured. And I've had physical abuse and all that. I lived through it. And I was like, I'm still here. And so why the fuck am I going to be a pussy when I draw? When I draw? No, more like, I'm going to draw Batman. Like this artist or that artist. Oh, I'm gonna draw, like, you know, like, okay, that's fine. You're, like, trying to figure out how to work with tools and. But that's Fine skill, craft great. But like, this, like, showing you, like. So there's. I had been trained now for heartbreak, right? Like, a lot of artists spend their whole life being not validated, bullied, rejected. And then finally they figure out how to draw something where people are like, yes, we like that. And so they never grow. They do that same verse, that same flow forever. And then you got people like Andre 3000. They're like, I don't care. I'm gonna. I don't care what. You know, I'm gonna do flute. It's like, well, we don't like that. It's like, I. I don't care. I'm an artist. I'm gonna. You got someone like Flea who's like, I'm gonna just do performance art. And I'm like, I don't even like half that, but I just love them because they're. And I go, how fucking brave is that? How brave is that? But I remember just to this day, right? I am a very successful, established artist, and yet today there's people like, that's the fucking worst art I've ever seen. That's the. That's. And I. And I. And I go, cool. Like, but. But if you don't have that background of just having your heart ripped out, it is the most painful thing to put yourself out on a. Like, to pour your. That's you. That's your soul. And someone's like. And then, especially if you're trying to sell it, like, no, thanks. You know, so to have a guy like Sean Parker, who's younger than me, but just not even the art, he's just like, I like you. Like, whatever that is. And then I want to change the world with this kid that I met, Mark Zuckerberg. And so I meet him with his flip flops, and, you know, I meet the whole crew, and I. And I go, what do you want me to do? He's like, I want you to fucking paint everything. I want people to be scared. I want investors to be scared when I want everyone to just be like, we're not MySpace. We're not eBay. We're not. I want them to be horrified when they come in here. I want you to just fucking paint the microwave. Like, everything. And I go indoors, right? And he goes, yeah. And I go, all right, so just, like, cover up your computers. And then, no, we're gonna. We're gonna be working here. And I'm like, you know how toxic these chemicals? Like, I work in spray paint. Like, I have brain damage because of this Like, I. I have, like, memory issues. They're like, we don't care. You know, they were like, young. They're like, the world. Hack the world. Like, all that they love. Say, you know, so I was there. And they would be like, let's blast Daft Punk. Like, I. I don't. This is a world. I'm not. You know, I like going into different worlds. And they're like, we're gonna blast Daft Punk. Because I guess it's like something with the repetitiveness and the coding, and we're gonna do these hackathons where we just hack into. And it was punk rock. It was like, a very nerdy punk rock. But they're like, we don't give a. Like. And I. I like that spirit. But they were such nerds, and they were so earnest. There was a. You've never heard people talk like that. Where they're talking, they're like, and we're going to change the world. And I'm like, I'm into that. Whatever that is. And they thought they were so cool. When they thought they were giving me a Stanford email, I go, I. Because I'm not on social media. Like, I never. I'm a Luddite. I don't. I'm the last to whatever new technology. I'm like, all right. Like, I've never touched AI. Any of that. And so I was like, you guys are trying to be like, MySpace, but MySpace is. It's already here, like, for the young people listening. Like, there was no Facebook. There was no Instagram. It was MySpace. It was just dominated. And they're like, yeah, but we're. We're fucking MySpace for Ivy League, you know.

[B]

Oh, that's right. In 2007. That's right. Because that was a postdoc. In order to get Facebook, you had to have an Ivy League or a Stanford email. Yeah.

[A]

You're not the only one. Stolen valor. So I love it. So I forgot what it was. It was like, Choi at Stanford Edu and. But, like, I remember he gave.

[B]

I still exist.

[A]

I don't know. He's. He. I remember him giving it to me. Like, it's something I wanted. I was just painting. He's like, dave, you don't have to go, I'll get you a Stanford email. And then you could be part of Facebook. I'm like, I don't want to be. I don't. I don't care. I don't care what you. Like, you want to be. You and Mark and all these guys want to be in this like, and they're like. He was, like, confused because he's like, you don't want the whatever, like, respect and whatever comes with having a Stanford. I go, no, I hate education. I hate learning. I hate teachers. I hate. Like, what the fuck are you talking about? And he was like. I go, why don't you just make it for everybody? And he's like, oh. Like, you know, the thing is, like, it was so funny when the David Fincher movie came out, because it's just an awesome movie, but it's just. I was there for all of it and just did not. Like, some of the facts are right, but it. It just didn't go down that way, you know? But so. So Mark is like a genius. And, and. And Sean, I mean, similar to my mother. It's like, I think Naomi's still there. It was like Naomi, Mark, Sean, Dustin, and me just like gassing them out. They're just trying to code. Like. And I'm like, listening to all their conversations and I'm like, telling them how nerdy they are. I'm like, bro, make it for everybody. Don't. You know, like. And they're like. And I would listen in on all their conversations, like, ah, so fucking cool. Dave Joe's painting our office. And I was like, oh, they like me, you know, Like, I'm being validated not just by my mother, you know, and so, you know, I do everything backwards and we start to discuss payment, you know. And at that time, I had once in my life sold a painting for like 10 grand. And it was like a fluke. And that's another story that I could tell about rejection and all that. But so I just. I just did some dumb, ignorant math. I was like, well, that painting was this big, and I'm like, 60 grand, you know, And I needed that. I needed that to pay off everyone. And then at the time, up until going to jail, like, I had been a thief. I was doing a lot of stealing to support my. Like, I was like, I'm. Graffiti doesn't pay the bills. You know, Stealing your paint, stealing everything.

[B]

Was Facebook office painted with stolen cans?

[A]

Probably. Yeah, probably. Yes. Yes.

[B]

Yeah. My. My graph friends graph graffiti for those that don't. Yeah, they were like world class crooks.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

Because they were always stealing pens and paint and, you know, I mean, exactly.

[A]

I mean, it's like, you, like, it doesn't pay the bills, you know? Yeah. So what had transferred, you know, the nature of addiction is if you don't get to the root of it, it just Keeps jumping, right? Like, whack a mole. So it whack a mole into my background, which is watching my parents take huge. So I got into gambling. So I was just like, there was every paycheck, anything. It was always. I gotta figure out a way. Cause gambling feels like stealing. And it's. You know, and I sat there and. And people were just like, you work at Facebook. Like, that's. You know, my friends that aren't in that academia, they're just like, that's like the. The. The shitty MySpace, you know, like, look at the font. Look at the. You know, all the artsy critic. Like, look at the designs. The fucking. You know, what. Is that the name Facebook? Come on. Like, that's the most creative. You know. And I said, I think I'm gonna ask them if I could get shares in the company.

[B]

You know, did you understand equity in that thing?

[A]

No, I don't understand anything. And it's like, I have shares in other companies that are all worthless, right? Like, it was just. It was growing up with my mom watching her, that if I didn't have that, like, I just. And I don't even understand that shit. I just. I remember being with. Having lunch with Zuck's parents, and, like, you know, he doesn't. He comes from a nice family, and I think Yahoo or Microsoft, someone had offered him right in the beginning a billion dollars for it. He's like, no, thanks. And he's still sleeping on the fucking mattress on the ground, eating Doritos. And I'm like, like, you know, I'm trying to like, pay my fucking. All my friends back. And I'm like, oh, he doesn't give a shit. He doesn't care about money. Like, he cares about, like, what he cares about. It's like, such a singular focus. He's like, I want to fucking disrupt the. I want to bring the whole world together. It was, you know, youthful idealism. And I remember going to work one day, I just loved working there because I don't get jobs like that where they're like, paint everything. Like, you're here, like, doing this, and I'm painting around. Like, I'm painting on everything. And the best part is that they didn't even like what I was painting. Like, Mark would come, and he's like, what is that dude? Like, Sean's like, dave, you know that other thing you did I saw at the art show. Can you. And I was like, you didn't ask for that. You said, fucking destroy. Like, you said, scare people when they walk. You Know, as I recall, there's like a.

[B]

There was like a big primate, like, monkey with jagged teeth. And so, yeah, I was, I was.

[A]

You know, and I was gassing myself out, you know, like, I'm like doing all that shit without a mask on. It's all going right into my brain. I'm like, whoever know, whatever spray, toxic spray, pain fumes does your brain. And there's no fresh air coming in. And I remember Sean Parker, just bronze, just bronze skin, like 200 haircut, custom suit. And I go, who are you, man? And he was doing what my mom was doing. He was just doing push ups and like. And I was like this skinny little nerd, like, just. He was like, handsome. And I go, oh, this is what my mom used to do before she went into a bit. She used to fucking. And he's like, oh, we're gonna get. We're gonna fucking raise some money. Like he was. And I go, holy, this guy's so sick. You know, and he transformed his physical appearance because he was about to go into, like, serious fundraising. And that's when I met the PayPal guy and Peter Thiel. And like, just. I was like, this guy's, you know, like, people give all the credit to Mark, but I'm like, sean, the guy was. He was an artist in, you know, and also, like out of control, which, like, that attracted each other. And then he was there when they got, when he got fired and all that stuff. But I remember, like, the impact that had on me. Like, just, wow. Like, you've heard the fake it till you make it right? It's like, I know I'm not the best artist in the world, but my mom thinks so, but Sean Parker, like, other people think so. And I'm. But I'm like, but that's. Whatever. They're just kissing my ass or whatever. And then there can be a switch. And I think it's like, sick and tired of being sick and tired, or enough is enough. Like, I just can't take it anymore. It's like, well, I. I can't live like this anymore. I. I feel like I'm trapped. I feel like. And so then it's like, oh, you can't travel. You need money for that. Well, I'm gonna hitchhike. Then I'm gonna hop on a freight train. I saw the entire world with nothing, no money. Like, well, it must be nice to be rich. I go, I'm rich now. I've had nothing my whole life and I just had to fucking fight for it. And, like, Would I recommend it? Like, a lot of it was illegal. I spent a lot of time in jail, but also, jail didn't hurt me. I lived and I spent some time there. I got to learn who I am. And, and so it's just to piece out the skills you learn for what's creativity, what's business, what. What aided me and helped me at this time in my life. That which no longer aids me now. And how to, like, because my, the other thing I learned from my mom is just, just adapts. Oh, our business just burned down in the LA riots. And instead of like sitting there, it's like, okay, now we're doing this. Now we're doing this. Now we're doing this. And I'm like, I remember getting a job in Beverly Hills right after high school. I was 18, 1994. And it was at this weird comic book, like a high end comic book store called Comics. Top hits. I'm not a comic book guy. I love comics. And I remember I begged the guy for a job. I'm like, please, please. And he's like, all right, find the customer. Because I would just hang out there and talk to the customers anyways. And I remember one day Stan Lee showed up and I'm like, Stan Lee, like, my hero, you know, and he, and he sat there and people were bringing him Darkwing Duck, Batman, Archie, like, all the things he didn't work on. Hey, Marvel fans. And he just signed everything. And I'm like, I was like the guy managing the line that day, and I'm looking at his hair plugs and I go, you fucking. Like, you didn't invent Batman. You're, you know. And at the end of the day, I built up enough confidence to, you know, as everyone left and we're packing up, I'm like, stan, dude, you didn't invent Batman. Why the. You signed that guy's book? And he's like, did you see their faces? Did you see, like, they were so happy. Like, why would I, Why would I get in the way of their happiness? And I'm like, holy shit, dude. It's like, yeah, don't correct people. And I thought about that, like, everywhere I go in the world and there's like, Ching Chong China, this. I remember being in Africa and these kids were just chasing us everywhere on Ching Chong. And our translator was a French Vietnamese guy, and he was like, dave's Korean, I'm Vietnam. It's like, you're just. They don't give a shit, dude. They don't give a fuck. And I remember just the things I'm talking about is like, watching Sean Parker, Shapeshift, watching my mom, shapeshift watching. Act as if you belong. Act as if you have a seat at the table. I was like, it's like, I know that's part of being artists is being, like, shy, nerdy, self conscious. It's like, just pretend like you're the best artist in the world. Like, you just show up and you're like, put. Like, this is the journey from their head to heart. You're. This is a. I like when you talk because you make sense. But there's that. And that's why the smartest people in the world are the dumbest idiots I've met. Because they try to apply logic to everything. And you're applying logic to spiritual problems. You're applying logic to emotional problems. And it's like, how's that working out for you? It's not. You're never going to outthink a feeling. You're never going to outsmart a feeling. Like, you're like, wait, these people are. Act like. Who would do that? Why would you do that? I'm like, because it's not logical. It's an emotional thing. It's a mentally ill. Whatever it is. It's not logic based. It's emotion based. It's mentally ill based. It's spiritual based. Like, you can't fuck with people's religion or what they have faith in and all this stuff. So I'm watching, I. I remember going, Stefan correcting the black kids that he's Vietnamese is making them feel stupid, and they're getting angrier. The kids that think I'm Bruce Lee and I just confirmed that I'm Bruce Lee are getting happy, right? It's like, people are dumb out there. That's fine. I don't care. I'm dumb, I'm stupid. It's like when someone corrects me or it makes me feel shame and dumber. But then if no one corrects me, it's like, then it's my own shit to figure that out or not, right? So watching these people, like, very successful people in my life, my mom, she's like, unstoppable, right? Anything the world throws at her, she just goes, okay, I guess we're doing this now. Like, she doesn't hang on. She's like, hang on tightly. Let go lightly, right? So it's like, okay, we were real estate people. Now we're doing Herbalife. Oh, that happened. Mark Hughes died. Okay? Now we're doing this. Like, she Just goes like that. Like, like, adapts to any situation. And like, right now, I get a call a week from all artists, creative types, that it's, you know, and we don't have to have AI talk. I don't. I would rather not have an AI talk. But it's Armageddon, right? Everyone's like, I spent my life doing sound engineering and now it's gone. Just like the guy who would do the, like, hand letter this and then Photoshop, boom, your job's gone. The Carl Zeiss lens go on the iPhone, and now photographer. Like, it's just. It's gone. Like, you could sit there and start complaining or you could just keep adapting. And so I think true creativity you can't contain. If you're open and you're ready to get naked and you're ready to people like, oh, do you have to suffer to be a great artist? Absolutely. But you've already suffered enough. It's already done. Whatever happened to you in your childhood, that's enough fuel for the rest of. You. Don't have to continually. But I see myself and others at times. I. Hopefully I'm better now, but I see people continually putting themselves in the situation to, like, suffer more and more and more. And I. And I just. I just remember the shame of my, like, it's just these things, they're, you know, decades ago, but they're still. Like, my dad just, like, throwing me across. Like, we left another country so you could be a criminal event. Like, just. He was like, I'll just kill us all now. We were in the car leaving the police station. He's like, I'm going to crash the car. And I was like, I was in the back, like, kind of disassociating, numb, crying, like, feeling mixed emotions, going from, like, victim to sorry to like, well, fuck you then. And, you know, everything in between. And then just going, I accept now. Oops, I accept. Sorry. Am I close enough to the microphone?

[B]

You're good.

[A]

Am I close to the microphone? Just going, I. I'm gonna choose to believe what my mom believes in me. I'm the greatest artist on the planet. I was in my 20s. I was like, fuck it. Like, going into galleries, looking at comic books. And can I tell you one quick fuck you, Sean Parker story? So at the. At the time I was doing Facebook, like, things were happening. Like, I had a vice show selling my jail art, which gave me a little bit of cash. I was starting to work for Heidi Fleiss to do a erotic mural for her sex shop in Hollywood and I had just gotten a job to do Jay Z Linkin Park's mashup album cover. And it's like, I needed the money and I need. And it was just like, things. I was like, it's starting to happen. Like, things are, you know, and. And this is while I was doing the Facebook thing, so they hadn't blown up yet, you know, and they gave me the job. And I'm like, the biggest rock band in the world and the biggest rapper in the world are doing an album together. And they want me little on me to do the. Like, I felt so honored. I mean, they butchered the art. The. I gave him the art. And they just made it look shitty. They put a shitty font on it. They put a. Like, they did fake graffiti. I was like, what the. Did you. Whatever. Anyways, that's a whole other thing. But I, you know, I'm like, cool, like, what's that gonna pay? Like, you know, like. And they're like, two grand. I'm like, wait, you know, it's like, this one day I'm gonna make it and my name's gonna be in lights. And. And I. And I knew other artists. So, like, Mirror did the Limp Bizkit cover, Shepherd Fairy did. So I, I knew them well enough where I was like, hey, guys, am I getting right now or. And they're like, no, that's typical. I go, that's what they pay artists for. I mean, because back in the day when I was doing art, paintings, whatever galleries or illustrations, that was the range, 200 to like 2000 at the most if you're doing like a cover or something. But I'm like, an album cover for. And they're like, no, that's what they pay. And I was like, damn, dude. I thought this was. This is big time, you know. And so I negotiated for that at the same time I'm working at Facebook and I drew this crazy cover and they're like, yeah, that's for the rights for the album cover, right? So then, I don't know, the album comes out and then they use the art everywhere. They use it on billboards, my friends reading comic books, things like, oh, they did a full page ad and I go, like, for illustration. That's a separate fee, right? It's like, here's the rights to use on the album cover. Here's for advertising, right? And so I'm talking to. I don't know anything, right? I'm a fucking horrible street artist. Oh, I call myself a street artist. Delete that from the Microphone. Sorry. So I'm. You know, and you. You could, like, bleep the names or whatever, because I clearly remember. So I call Warner Brothers and I go, hey, can I talk to whoever's in legal or whatever? And I go, yeah, I talked to my friends who are also artists that are more successful, and they said there's a separate fee I should be getting for billboards, you know, bus bench usage, magazine editorial, you know, you know, magazines used to be big, you know, Tower Records, Virgin Records. Sure. And I remember the arrogance on this guy Chip. He was like, their head legal. He doesn't work there anymore. And he's like. And I. I remember the way he talked to me. Felt like my child, like, just made me feel. He's like, you're some shitty graffiti. Like, who the fuck are you? You know, like, why am I wasting my time talking to you? And I go, well. And he started, like, just hitting me with legalese. And I go, hey, I'm raising my hand right now. You can't see I'm raising my hand saying, I don't understand what you're saying. Can you please talk to me and, like, can you dumb. Dumb down? Like, you're trying. You're, like, trying to beat me up with words right now? I'm just saying, you know, it should be an additional 10 grand, 15 grand for what you guys did. I'll be happy with another five. Or, you know, just like, trying to talk. And he's like, I don't know who the fuck you think you are. And it was, like, very condescending. And I. And I. I remember the arrogance of. I was like, I could be recording this call or, you know, but he was just. And I was like, for a guy named Chip, that's such a weird. You know, you could come at us with lawyers. You could. It's like. And you may be even, right? But guess what? You're fucking with Warner. Like, you'll never win. Like, you will never get another dime out of us. I was like, holy fuck, that. What a fucking. And like, I said, like, if you're gonna be like, people are like, oh, I love painting, then just paint. Like, oh, I want to be. It's like, you know, fucking hard it is to make money as a creator. It's like, you gotta fight. You gotta get a thick skin, and you better be ready to. Like, I had to threaten Nike with blowing up their entire parking lot before they paid me. I was like, you asked me for these drawings. I did them. I delivered them on time. And you're giving me the checks in the mail. And I called, like, Wieden and Kent, you know, whatever, Oregon. And I was like, I live in la. It's gonna take me this many hours to drive. And I'm gonna. I don't know which car is yours. I'm gonna blow up every car check was in the mail the next day. I'm like, why did I have to do that? Why did I have to turn into my mom to get the. But most artists go. And then they just get over, right? So that's part of being an artist is getting over not getting paid what you deserve, blah, blah, blah. So I'm like, obviously sensitive and painting, like, in a bad mood. And Sean's like, what, dude? What's up, Dave? Why are you. And I told him what I just told you. And he's like, you know, Facebook has, like, big money behind it now. It's growing. He's like, oh, we got a multi million dollar deal with Warner Brothers tomorrow. And the meeting. And I was like, he goes, check this out. So he has the meeting with Warner Brothers, and they're like, full, like, you know, everyone's at the long table and they're like, oh, we want to advertise with Facebook and da, da, da. And this is the new. This is the new world. And they're like, okay, cool. And it's like, you know, it's like millions of dollars or whatever. Hundreds of thousands of dollars. And he's like, yeah, but that guy Chip fucked with my friend Dave Cho, so we're not doing with you guys. And he just. And I was like, this guy's my dog forever. Like, like, what? How? Like, like just does not. No fucks given, right? I was like. I cried. I gave him a hug. I was like, don't with me. Don't fuck with me. Like, it felt so good. It felt so good. I was like. And then I found out you got fired and all that. It's like. I was like, yes. Sometimes the little guy wins, you know? Like, it felt so good.

[B]

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[A]

So I got all the typical shame and all that, and. And to be fair, if you're my dad and you fucking escape the war and famine to raise your family in America and you see your kid stealing paint at Home Depot to graffiti dicks on walls, like, you're gonna. You're not gonna. So I give him that, you know, But I just. I was. I felt I didn't know where I belonged. You know, I'm like, I. I couldn't process. Maybe I have dyslexia. I was in school, and it just. I couldn't. None of the information. I was like, this is so hard. Like, people. Like, I would try really hard to get a C, right? Where other people were like, oh, okay, you know, X. I was like, why is there an X in math? And they were like, dave. And they dumb it down and dumb it down. I'm like, I'm retarded. I think I need to go to that class. Like, I'm like. I felt. Like, I felt. Because both my brothers have, like, really high IQs, and I'm like, I'm Stupid. Like, I. You know, so I felt really small in that area, and I made up the story. Like, I suck at sports. I go, so this. This is it. This is all I'll ever be good at. So I. And. And now I'm gonna fully buy in to what my mom's saying. And because I grew up with the Asian work ethic, like, I'm like, it's not a fit. I am good. I. It wasn't like, I am gonna be the best. I was like, I just adopted. I am the best artist in the world. And to that power of thought, like, I sat down and I'd go to museum. I studied everything. I studied comic book art, cereal boxes, museums, fine art. Why does this. I just got into the business side of art. The creativity. Loose watercolors, like, tiny, detailed pen draw, like, everything. And I was like. And I was like, overcomp. I'm like, I'm gonna be good at all of it. Oil painting, like, there. So people go, what. What kind of artist? I mean, I'm an artist. Everything when I talk, when I make music, like, I am going from I'm a piece of I suck to like. Like, you know, not healthy. But, you know, I was like, I am art God. You know, like. And so I was like, in my 20s, just, like, brain, like, waking up. And then, like, that's not how I naturally woke up. I woke up like, oh, you know, And I'd wake up, and I'd have to put that on, like, you're the greatest. You know, like, hypnotizing myself. You're the best. You're the fucking best. You're. You're the greatest.

[B]

You know, Were you doing any, like, reading books? Because at the time when you and I are basically the same age.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Back then, it wasn't a lot about, like, neuroscience and this and that and, like, actualization. It was all kind of, you know, hidden away. But there was this. There were. You know, there was, like, the Tony Robbins type stuff, and there was the. There was this idea and infomercials and stuff like that. You could program your mind. Sounds like you just basically took all that on it was any of that.

[A]

Yeah, I didn't read any of that stuff. I stole lots of books, and I would read a lot of pornography. I guess this kind of can. I could fit my Pee Wee Herman story. If we're talking about publishing, it's hard to talk about this because kids ask me all the time, like, how'd you make it in art? And, like, nothing I did applies to Today, you know, it's like, I went to Kinko's. I would have to spend my money or figure out how to do that copy thing, that trick to make more copy. Because color copies are 99 cents. It's like, who has. So I'd have to pick which one of my paintings were the best. Make these, like, mini color copy packets. So that's $10. And then I would go to the newsstand and write the address. Like, Rolling Stone, like, all the magazines that had prestige and, like, CF Pain, Kent Williams, Baron Story. Like, all these amazing illustrators that would work for Time magazine, Rolling Stone, Playboy, like, they would all use. So I would open the front page where it had the heading of Art Direct, and I would write, write it down. And the newsstand guys, like, I sound like a boomer right now. Like, you know, it's like, who the. Like, there's kids listening right now. There's a magazine. What's that? You know? But that's what I had to do. And I would be like, which magazine do I want to send this 10 packet that I just. And then I have to mail it to him, hopefully. Like, they get that letter and not some other department, you know, and then you just. Rejection letter after. You know, like, sorry, sorry, sorry. And so I'm. I'm. I'm sitting down and I'm. I'm like, I'm ingesting all this, and I have the. I have the fire, and I'm, like, sitting down. I go, that. Like, what. Why is that drawing successful? Why do. You know? And of course, there's tons of insider trading and corruption in the art world, but I didn't know that at the time, right? It's like, oh, that guy's dad owns water. Like, that guy, you know? So I would just sit there, and I would be like, that guy drew this much. I'm gonna draw 10. Like, that guy did this, and I'm gonna draw, you know, And I. And I just. Some of my paintings. All my paintings back then had, like, at least seven layers, if not more. Just layering and layering and dancing. It was me. It's like a musician that's like, I have to. Like. I saw a thing with Rick Rubin and Flea doing Give It Away now, and he was just like, you know what he can do? But he was like, just do. Like, just play less. And back then, it wasn't. It was like, I need to show everyone what I'm capable of, which is, I can draw better than you. I can paint. I have to show you that now I don't care. But back then, it was. And it isn't that art is a. It's not who can put the most lines down or, you know, and so I'm. I'm. I'm trying to. I'm trying to, like. And it was just. Everyone has their own path. But I remember year 2000, I'm doing graffiti. I'm getting some gigs to do murals. You know, it's just slowly starting. And someone contacted me at Marvel Comics, and I was like, man, I didn't even try. And like, this is. This is it. This is my dream. And then we want you to draw the X Men. But like, a cool, cool X Men. I'm like, I didn't even have to go to portfolio day. I didn't have to, you know, And I go, oh, I knew if I just kept putting my shit out there, you know, But I'm, you know, I'm what, 23 at the time, you know, And I start drawing it. And I guess they fired me or they didn't fire me. They just decided to use a different artist, but they never told me. So I'm still drawing it. And I'm, you know, I'm a passive aggressive, angry kid already. And I didn't email. Some people had emails, but a lot, like, a lot of artists hadn't. This is the beginning of the Internet. Like, people weren't using it the way they do now. And I remember it was like the first message board where my friends were like, hey, Dave, you got fired off the X Men book. And I go, how did you know? And they go, you don't use the Internet. And I go, what is that? And they showed us. And I felt shame again. I was like, oh, my God. Like, I was so excited to, like, there's little things in my head. Like, if I do a comic book, that means I made it. And I wrote the most scathing homophobic racist. Like, just. I was mad. I thought it was funny. I was 23 at the time, and it was like 10 pages long. But I didn't know the editor of Marvel. It's probably not even him. It was just. And I didn't know how to get it to him. So I just went to Marvel's website and I just sent it to every single person that works at Marvel, like, copy paste. And the next day was my first experience in the year, you know, Y2K, 1999, 2000 of going viral. They're like, every artist I look up to, every writer I look up to in Comics was like, we don't know who the fuck this kid is, but he just committed career suicide. And then, once again, shame. And so, like, if I go back to all my shame stories, I go, what's. What's the through line? And we should have made the secret word shame. But, oh, I'm a shame chaser. Like, I get high off shame. Like, what's my drug? Oh, workaholism. It's like my drug that I've chased my whole life is shame and anger. Like, fucking powerful drug, you know? And so I couldn't believe it. I was like, I'm never going to get to draw the Hulk, Spider Man, Wolverine. And I have. And I have at this point. And I went through the back door, which I always do. It's true. True vandal. But I just remember going, holy, this is the worst day of my life. Like, people that I look up to, they're like. There was like a whole thing of like, I don't know who this Dave Cho. I've never heard of him, but he's a horrible human being. Listen, you know? And I was like, but there was context. Like, you should have heard how I heard it in my head. Like, I was, you know, and they're like, oh, it looks different. And I was like, holy. And that was my first experience of, like. Of just feeling like, me following a pattern of trying to replicate hatred towards me. Like. Like, if it's. But not knowing it. I'm just like, oh, I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. And like, some ignorance, some playing dumb, some, like, repeating patterns like a monkey without knowing. And. And. And so I had a friend in comics at the time, because I was just like, I don't. I was just making art. I was going out doing graffiti every fucking night, just doing that ocd, playing music in my head and just tagging up everything. Like the. The kind of graffiti you're not supposed to do. People's cars, houses. Like, I wanted someone to kill me. Like, I didn't care. Like, I wanted someone to be like, dude, I worked hard for that car, and you just ruined it. And in my head I'm like, but I'm a famous artist, which I wasn't. I'm 23. And they were like, I just made your car more value. That's how I'm thinking. But I was out of my mind.

[B]

You probably did make their car more valuable in retrospect. Can I ask you a question about the shame?

[A]

Absolutely.

[B]

I have a friend, he's a addiction trauma Counselor guy, amazing guy. He's been on this podcast named Ryan Suave. He has a gift for helping people understand trauma and addiction and this kind of thing. We haven't talked a lot about addiction yet today, but you said you got addicted to the shame. And do you think, who knows here I'm using my intellectual brain. But do you think that these oscillations of your mindset, like, I'm a great artist, I'm the greatest artist, sets it up so the shame is that much deeper, like, it's like loading a spring. Because he told me once, Ryan once told me he's worked with addict, heroin addicts, drug addicts of all kinds, sex addiction, everything. And he just said, you know, he goes, gambling addiction is the worst because the next time really could change it all. And he said, but there's something really interesting that happens to gambling addicts. He goes, eventually they get tired of winning and they get addicted to losing.

[A]

Happens really quick. So I have my own feelings about this subject. I'm a severe gambling addict. Like I told you, I'm going to time jump. So I'm at the, you know, I'm at that point, but I'll jump to current, which is, which is a very shameful thing for me to admit or talk about. But, you know, I'm here, so I'll just go there. Shame is so powerful because at this point, I've been to all the 12 step meetings. I've been to Debtors Anonymous, business owners, Dentist, Debtors Anonymous, Overeaters Anonymous, workaholics, you know, Sex and love addicts, sex addicts, gambling. Like every single. And so what's the through line? Every single one is gambling. Every single addiction is gambling addiction. If you drink and drive, you're gambling your life could be over. And you're, you know, if you overeat and you're diabetic, it's just every addiction is so. It's. Addiction is one of those things you can't apply logic to. And your, your scientist friend nailed it. It's as I explore my feelings, you know, because the, the people. What are you running from, Dave? I was like, well, I'm running for myself, dude. I don't want to look in the mirror. I don't want to see myself. I, I hate myself. So I'm just running. So as long as I'm like doing graffiti, running from the police, you know, just, just, just hopping on a train, like, like literal running, like literally running to make sure I'm never sit still for one second. Like, what are you doing, Dave? I'm playing drums in a band. I'm fucking, you know, at a casino. I'm traveling, doing the news for Vice. I'm painting at this. Like, I can't. I can't sit still because that means I have to sit with myself, and I can't do that. I can't do that. I couldn't do that. I couldn't do that. I can now. So. You know what feels good? Winning a lot of money, not working for it, and sitting down at a casino and them knowing who you are and upping the limits and you literally making enough money off baccarat or blackjack. What people don't make in a lifetime, that's a fucking. That's an insane feeling. How many shits do you think I took today before I came here, Rob? How many? Two. Two. One big one and one little one. Like, scientists don't know what causes ibs. I do. It's stress. When I was gambling, when I was at the height of any of my addictions. Seven shits a day at least. Just like. Okay. Like, just like. And you would never see it on my face. Or maybe you would, but I felt like I could gamble with a fortune in front of me and lose it and win it and, like, nothing. Nothing. Like, I was, you know, disassociated, dead inside. Whatever you want to say. I didn't feel anymore, right? Like, the highs were so high. I had already been chased by the cops. I'd already been beaten the shit out of. I've already been molested before. I already. Whatever you could do to me, you've already done to me, and I'm still here. What can you do to me that I. Like, I'm my worst enemy. Like, I beat myself up right when the gambling stopped, when I got into recovery, when, like, I take one shit a day now, when this fucking asshole asked me to do the podcast, I start stressing. I've taken. What was that? Like, a few weeks ago? It's. It. Oh, shit, dude. I just took three. Shit that started again. Because I don't have stress in my life anymore. Or, like, I have whatever normal family stress, but I don't have. Oh, you're gonna say something on some guy's show, and then your life's gonna be ruined again, you know? Like, that's. I've done that so many times. It's like. So I'm like, fuck, I just woke up. I just already took a shit. Why do I take another one? I was like, oh, the IBS is coming back. Because there's a part of me that's like, I hope I say something horrible today. Cause then I could feel that again. And so what? People, when they're listening to this, and I don't know if I'm making. When I talk, sometimes I make sense to myself, and sometimes I don't. But if you're an addict, it will make sense to you. If you're. If, like, everyone listening to this is either an addict or someone in their life is, like, their family member or their friend. But at this point, with social media and their phones, everyone's an addict, right? You can't stop. It's just impossible. You will never find anything more addictive than a phone, right? So in the time that, like, I haven't been in an actual casino in 10 years, I've banned from all these casinos, the whole world became a casino. You can't go anywhere without gambling. Fucking lottery. You can go on your phone. You could bet on, you know, anything, right? So. So at first, in every addiction, you want to win. Oh, fuck that. You know, I. I can't. I can relate to drugs and alcohol, even though I don't do that. But, like, that must feel good to, like, get a little drunk and then be the funniest guy at the party or so. Eating the most delicious foods that I ever ate that I never thought I would eat in my life. And then, okay, that's good. Your body feels good. Why do you need to eat until you're puking and you become, like, binging and purging? Like, what? Because what you don't understand because you're applying logic to it is, I want to hurt. I want the sh. Like, winning a million dollars feels fucking great. Losing $10 million feels even better. Well, that doesn't make any sense. Like, getting married feels awesome. I mean, I'm just making shit up. But, like, put. Put, like, greatest day of my life, right? Like, greatest day of my life. And this I could get dark. I'll try not to use dark examples. But when. When something awesome. Marriage, having a child, winning a lot of money, doing drugs, and having one of the best days of your life. Like, just when it's on the good side, it feels. That's why you do it. Heroin fucking feels good. I've never done it, but the description of it is, like, that sounds awesome. Why would you not do it again? But then when you're fucking scratching your skin and sucking dick for fucking crack, like, that's another high where you're at the bottom, and that's a repetition of the pattern of whatever your childhood was. And so I don't fucking know. Andrew. Besides his online Persona, right, like, we're. This is our first time meeting in person. It's like, I. This is not me being a know it all. Like, humans are not that difficult to understand. We're very simple. Like, I called him immature a little bit before. Not to be insulting. It's just like, part of me is like, this is me being a hater. Like, I love everybody, but I'm just like, what fucking adult gets tattoos? Like, what kind of fucking adult get? And I know you got fucking tattoos. I'm like, who fucking just like, throws their shit away to become a skater? And then like, are you okay with me asking you question? Like, sure. Were you sexually abused? Were you?

[B]

No, No, I was. I mean, I knew I had friends that were. I. I lucked out. I had one guy come at me that. I worked at a skateboard shop in Palo Alto. Maybe you saw Palto Toy and Sport. It was like, down on Waverly Street. Guy that worked there did that. I responded differently. I flipped the desk over on him. I made him apologize to me in front of everybody. And my biggest fear at that point was my mom. Even though we had our tensions. My mom's from New Jersey. She's old school. She knew something happened. And my fear was that if I told her that, she would actually kill him. Oh, like, actually kill him. Like. And, you know, because despite, you know, whatever challenges she and I have had over the year. Yeah, she like that maternal aggression, that protectiveness.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

She would have killed him. So I remember being, like, not worried about me, worried that she was gonna kill him, you know, and then. But no, I. I lucked out there.

[A]

I perceive you as a brilliant man. And this is. This is me gathering data and facts in my life. Not. I don't know what the. The. But, you know, you know, very smart. I know geniuses, you know, geniuses. The smarter the person, the more intellectual they are, the more on the spectrum they are, the greater the trauma they experience. Because whether that was always in them and the trauma unlocked it, or you learned that as mental jiu jitsu to, like, these people I know in my life that are just brilliant, like, they're just. They can comprehend things that most people can. They could create. Their childhood was so unsafe. Abandonment, you know, and usually. That's why I asked you about. It's usually sexual trauma because that's Has. Carries the most shame that they're like, oh, small. I can defend myself. That unless I become like, like a jujitsu master or fighter, how can I protect myself? And it's with this. So then something gets unlocked here, and they become the smartest person in the room, and they can just destroy you verbally. They can destroy you in a courtroom. They can just. They can just. And, and, and so, yeah, to answer that, you become a shame chaser. You get high off shame. And it's like, that's even shameful to admit out loud. And so, like, I could sit here and like, if I'm being present with current, with up to date, like, I have a great life. Like, I'm telling you a lot of stories from the past, feelings that I felt in the past. And I have, you know, I tell on myself all the time when old patterns come up. I, you know, I have a therapist. I got a men's group. I got friends who love me. I raise my hand, I go, I need help. Which I never did before. I grew up with, shut the fuck up and figure it out. That's my whole. My whole childhood was a question mark. Where are we going? What are we doing? Nothing was explained to me. And so there was a lot of violent, a lot of abandonment. It's just like. And so I just. Everything. And that's probably why I'm really curious and ask a lot of questions because I didn't know what was happening. And my parents were just like, working all the time. They're like, I don't know, stay at this house or this. And I was just like, who are these people? Like, what's happening? Why is this guy baptizing me for the 10th? You know, like, why am I getting on a plane? It was just like, just shut up. Just. Just go along to get along. And so part of. Part of my story is if I'm a nice boy, if I'm a nice Asian boy, and I do, then. Then the world shits on me. Then everything horrible the second I speak up, scream, get the off. Like, just do graffiti. Break the law. Then I get to do the Linkin park album cover. Then I get Sean Parker. It's like. And, you know, I talked to all the Jackass guys about this. It's like, you're rewarded for bad behavior. You get to be the president. You get to, you know, like, the more act. And it's so in one way, okay, that's for career, right? But, like, what about it just runs hell on your personal life. And that's why when I. When I'm in my addiction and I'm Chasing shame. I drag everyone who loves me down with them. So I go, I. I need to. And I don't need my wife or anyone to be my mom. Like, I'm like, I. I'll. I'll handle it. That's how I grow myself up. And it doesn't need to be like. Like I said, brilliance is found in Milpitas and Palo Alto and Gilroy. Brilliance is found in the mundane sitting in the waiting room. Brilliance is found in these, like, quiet moments. And so it's like, I don't need to go to rehab and have, like, this fucking movie role, kind of. It's just like. It's a phone call. It's like, let me do this. And so the feelings, the chemistry that. It's like when. When you lose all the money you've ever made in your life in a coin flip, and you're just sitting there like.

[B]

No worries.

[A]

Hopefully I didn't get any on the microphone.

[B]

What's that line from that 80s movie? It's not a party till something's broken. I always like that line because it excuses it immediately. Some breaks, folks, you just say, yeah, it's not a party till something's broke.

[A]

In this case, it was my soul, you know, So I was very reckless with my heart. I treated myself very poorly. I didn't care what happened to me. And so as I jumped from addiction to addiction, it's like, well, which is the one I can hide in plain sight? The one that you're in right now, workaholism. As long as you work all the time, as long as you're providing people, as long as you're helping people and being of service, then that's good, right? But what is being neglected in that? This. Like, I mean, I don't tell this to everyone, but, like, someone in your situation that, you know, you have life changes coming up, and I already know your answer, but I would. I would ask, why not take one year off? Like, why? It's like, well, I got my this, and I'm an important Stanford guy, and I got. Yeah, but that will, like. Like, you only got one life. And, you know, there's something about it that feels like when I'm in my workaholism, like, that's the one where I get in this society a pat on the back. Good. Good job, Dave. And, you know, the. The Sean Parker story with the. With the Warner brothers, that was a win. I was like, it. You know, but it was. It was so much. Can I tell my Pee Wee Herman story? There's some shame in that. I'll bring it around. I'm. I just don't. You know, part of my character defects is entitlement and impatience. Like, I just once I accepted what my mom is saying. True. I am the greatest artist in the world, according to Jane Cho. And now I'm gonna start. You know, not at first, but, like, I'll start to believe that too, because you gotta. It's so scary doing graffiti, you know, not in a crew, not in a gang, to just go out. And it's like. It's something so comforting to draw in a tiny sketchbook and no one's gonna see it, right? You fuck up, whatever. But to draw something big on a wall and everyone going down the 101 freeways, like, thousands of people will see it before 8:00'. Clock. Like, that sucks. That guy has no can control that guy. And you're just like, you're. You're naked. You're like, this is what's inside me. And I did it 40ft long. And here it is. And they're like, it sucks. Shame. I'm chasing shame. Like, it's like, what would it feel like if everyone's like, dude, that's the fucking masterpiece. Not as cool. Not as cool. So I. I'm just. I'm doing the thing. I'm sending my art out. And La Brea used to have a lot of galleries, and I. And I. And in my head, I thought my art was better than every artist that was in those. I would be like. And I'd go down the street, and I'm like, oh. They show that. I would keep a record of what kind of art. They show that. I'd skate back to my house and paint, like, that style, but better in my mind, better. And then I'd make a new portfolio and I'd go down, like. And they're like, who? Who the. Like. Like, it's like a. Like, you have to be shown first before they'll even take. And I go, but, you know, so just anger, more frustration coming out sideways, coming out, doing more graffiti, shoplifting food to, like, you know. So then I finally get to La Brea and Melrose, where there was a ice cream shop called Double Rainbow. And there's this wonderful lady named Candace there. And I was saying, how I'm talking now first, like, out loud, and my art's just right here. And she's like, let me see. And I show it to her, and she's like, this is amazing. I go, I fucking know, dude. I'm the Best. And she's like, all right, shut the fuck out. All right? She's like, put it up on the wall. And then my ego goes in a fucking ice cream shop. And I go, well, I guess no one else is offering that. Okay, so it was like, not this. It wasn't, like, minimalist. It was floor to ceiling hundreds of paintings, some that I spent months on. Like, this is singular. Just I'm the best, and I need to show you. It wasn't, like, tasteful. Like, here's one painting. And let that breathe. And it was just like, here's. You know, and people are coming in there buying, like, mint chocolate chip, going, oh, that's pretty cool. You know? And so every day I would get a call, love your art. Want to buy it? I'm like, fuck, yeah. Here we go. Like, $2. I'm like, you know how long I spent on that art? You know? And I just was like, 50 bucks. You know, I'm 23. This is, like, early 2000s. I'm like, that's. That's less than the art supplies that I stole, to be fair. But still, I'm like, can you cover the cost of materials? And they're like, yeah, it's good, but, you know, can you just, like, haggling, like, five, ten? I'm like, that's what a fucking print or sticker costs. Like, this is an original painting, you know? And I remember I got a call one day, and it's this. These. These things that I keep. The stories that I keep editing in my mind to make me the hero, you know? And the guy's like, I'll trade you a car for, like, that giant painting, the one that I spent months on. And of course, it's like, 1972 Plymouth Fury. No brakes, like, cracked wind, you know, just a complete fucking beater, like, piece of shit. But then the story in my head that I go around telling, you know, part of my PR marketing is like, I traded my art for a car for an. You know. Oh, yeah, you don't need to know the details of the car, you know? And the guy in the, you know, recycler was trying to sell it for, like, two, three hundred dollars, you know, he's like, just get this shit off my lawn, you know? And I remember this is how I drove it. I would drive it, and there was no brick, so I had to. There was, like, fuel, and I had to pump it like a block before or. And then I would always hit the car, like, ding. Like, that's what. And the Guy would say, hey, what the fuck? And I'd be like, sorry. And I had no money to fix it. But I was just. In my head, I. I did it. I fucking. I did it. You know, like small victories, little victories. And then my friend's like, like, like I knew all, like the indie scene, like, make your own fucking punk rock. Like, and I would just get rejection letter after just. Just the continuation of. You're not enough. Your art's not that good, you suck. Just. Maybe they wouldn't say that, but that's how I took every. You know, not at this time, not for us. Rejection letter from playboy, from Rolling Stone. And. And I just remember one of my friends, he just always had like nice sketchbooks. And I go, what were you getting that money? Like you do, you're a full time artist. And he was like a dirty punk rock guy and he's like, you know, the skin rags pay just as much. It's like they have none of the prestige. And like, you know, I went to the tower records warehouse once where they distributed a calendar I made and it's like, here's here. Like, this whole table is the warehouse. This is like, you know, sports illustrated, Rolling stone, this and all of this is porn, right? So, you know, you don't want to brag about that, but that's just. They're like, they pay literally the same amount as Rolling stone, but it's not rolling stone. So I go, okay, I guess I'm doing that. So then I go to the part of the magazine stand where, you know, there's a curtain and I go back and I start, you know, butthole fever. Just start writing down the art director's name. And that was the thing is like, I cared about. I cared so much about. It was important to me. It saved me. Art saved me. So it didn't matter if I was doing a logo for Nike or Toyota or like, you know, I just was like, this is. You're still looking at me. Even though if I'm doing a corporate job, like I'm. I'm in there and I need you to see me. And I am. Even though if I hate the job and you're not even paying me, I'm still going to do my best no matter what. Like, it's. I have pride in my work, you know, And I. And I. I get that from my parents also. And I. And I love that. I. I'll go to restaurants where I don't even like the food because I know the waiter is like running to bring me Water. And he cares. Like, anytime. That's the secret ingredient to anything. Anytime. I feel like the person cares. It just. It's such a warm feeling, you know? And I cared. I care. And I still do. I care a lot. Like, I sit here, go, I don't give a fuck. I do. I care. Maybe too much. So I write the number for. You know, I try the legit ones first. Penthouse and Playboy. And they're like, nope, nope. I'm like, I guess I go to a Hustler and Buttman and, you know, Asian Fever. And I get a call from Buttman. You know, they're like these butthole paintings you did. They're. They're just. They're so good. And I'm like, I worked really hard on it, you know, it's not like what I want to be doing, but. And they're like, can you. Can you come in? And it's just true to their title. That's all it is. It's just all anal. There's no stories about anal. Page after page, and they go, can you do, like, this? But, like, every week, I'm like, what do you need? They're like, you know, Superman fucking Lois Lane, Anal, Spider man, fuck, you know, midgets, like, whatever. Like, just all anal. And I go, I can do that. I would. I would love to do that. And, like, we pay, you know, a couple hundred bucks. I was like. And I took it serious. It wasn't like a. It was like, this is my. And a lot of actually famous artists would do that, but under fake names. And they didn't want to be associated their real art with that. I was like. And. And so I did all this art for Buttman. Once again, if you want to cut out any names, I remember everyone's name. It was Art director was Heidi. She was so sweet. She's like, it's just, like. I was only used to my mom saying she likes my art. So anytime someone not in my family said they liked it, it was, oh, it's not just my mom. Like, other people like it, you know, but also this massive narcissist. Like, I'm the best. And I'm like, no, I'm not that good. You know? But, like, it's like both, you know, And I don't know why this always kept happening, but all these places I always worked at, they would always go, you got such funny story. Like, do you got any. You know? And I was like, I think I had been with one girl. They're like, you have any, like, butthole Stories. And. And I. And I had been trained by, you know, black belt in lying. My mom, you know, she's like, yeah, of course. Like, I don't even. It was so easy for me. They're like, oh. Because these. These depictions of anal sex are so. They're so graphic and fantastic, and every time you come in, you have some weird story, like, do you know any women in your life that have experiences like this? And I go, oh, yeah. Like, super racist against Asians. I go, oh, yeah. Like, Susie Suzuki. Like, just making up fake names. They're like, you know someone named Susie Suzuki? I go, oh, yeah? Yeah. She goes, do you think she would write about her experiences? And I'm like, how dumb is this lady? Like, I don't fucking know anyone named Sue. Like, what the fuck? And she goes, it's 40 bucks a story. And I'm like, cool. Like, they're paying me 150, 200 bucks for this. I'll. So I go home, and I would just write the most ridiculous. I don't speak English, you know, this is the voice I hear in my head. I come to America, need a job, and just writing, like, every, like, ridiculous male fantasy, like. And then he put in the wrong hole. And pornography. I became a pornographer. Like, I'm not. It's not, like, the proudest moment of my life, but I'm like, oh, God. You know, if God's looking down on me, probably, you know, but once again, shame. I'm cool with it. I've made myself at home. Like most people, they changed their name, but I was like, this is what I do. I'm a fucking. You know. So here we go again. My poor parents, you know? So I'm living at home, right? So I can't. Hi. I could have done a better job hiding the graffiti. I didn't. They see the spray paint. They see the paint on all my clothes.

[B]

Was it good? Were you happy with the graffiti?

[A]

No, I hated it. Okay. I just. It's. I have so much respect for that. Like, it's. It's everything. It's physicality. Your. You're climbing. You're. You're a ninja. It's like, fucking Navy seal. Like, it's crazy. Like, you need to do a detail of a nose while you're balancing on barbed wire. I mean, it's.

[B]

Yeah, those kids are crazy.

[A]

It's insane. I'm like, fuck, dude. These people, if they had a little bit of guidance, they could have been like, Navy seals, Green Berets, whatever. So my dad, of course, Finds, you know, my. Once again, like. And then I sit here now as I tell the story, and it's coming. Why didn't I hide it better? Oh, like, maybe I wanted to get caught. You know, my dad throws. He's like, sex, sex, you know, Just, like, once again, it's like this. Like, think about my dad. It's like his friends are like. You know, his friends. Kids are, like, getting the highest SAT scores. They're getting accepted into Stanford, and. And they're like, my son has hair covering his eyes. He. You know, I think I was starting to get into, like, shitty 80s. Like, warrant and Winger and Cherry, you know, like, that kind of. Like, I listen to everything and just shame. I, like, literally, like, not feeling, but, like, having another human. Your father, tell you. I'm so embarrassed of my son. I'm so embarrassed. Like. Like, anger, tears, like, just breaking. Like, why? Why. Why did I come to this country? Why did you know? Just like. And I. I, like. I just. It's ha. Like, now I could feel more when I tell it, but, like, before, I just, like. Like, I just pretended like it was happening to someone else. You know? I just disassociated. I'm like, whatever, bro. Like, but it wasn't whatever. It was like, my dad disappointed in me. My mom disappointed in me. And I'm like, fuck, man. It's not really working out for me. Like, just rejection after rejection. And I just. I remember the shipping. Like, it was in the Larry Flint building, Wilshire in La Cienega. And I was like, fuck, I live, like a. Like, I could skate there. Like, I'd rather. And I was scared to, like, send. Oh, so this is what happened. So I got busted. The lady, I don't know if she was a lesbian or something, she's like, like, I need to meet Suzy Suzuki. It wasn't Suzuki. It was a name like that. It was like Trisha Toyota or something. And I go, heidi, are you serious right now? It's like. Like, there's. That's. I wrote that story. That story's ridiculous. Like, in my head, I'm like, it's so obvious a guy wrote that, you know? And she's like, hey, we might be Buttman magazine, but we print the truth. And I was like, what the fuck you telling me? The Penthouse letters are real? Like, shut the fuck up. And she's like. She's like, took all my art, threw it at me. It's like, you will never be published in Buttman anymore. Like, she just. You're done here. And I was like. I spent a long time on those paintings. Like, I. All the folds of the butthole. And, like, I. Like, I really tried hard. Like, you know, and it's like, rejection, reject. Like, I. I had gotten so used to my parents being disappointed in me. Gallery art, like, it was just. It was, like, cool. I don't. All right. Didn't feel. I. I mean, I'm sure it didn't feel good, but I had figured out a way to internalize it and just. All right, and then. And then do my mom's delusional thing. But. But I'm still the best, even though the world's telling me, like, you're. You're a loser. And I go, okay, who's the art Director at Hustler? W.T. nelson. Okay, I'm gonna. So I call them, and I go, hey, I. I live. You know, I can skate there. You know, take me, like, an hour to get there. But I have these paintings, and I don't want to send them in the mail. I never sent paintings in the mail before, and I'd rather save on the shipping. And he's like, I don't know you, dude. And I don't really. But I had already sent the color copies and the pages that they had printed. Buttman. And he's like, but, all right, I guess you could come. And I'm like, yes, I'm gonna go to the Larry Flip Building. This is gonna be so cool. You know? And I. And I go there, and he's just like, yeah, if you just tweak all these paintings. You already did. We'll use those in Asian Fever. We'll use these in, you know, like, different. You know, there was hustler had, like, 20 different other magazines. And he's like, yeah, like, that story is awesome. We'll print that story. And I was like, okay, cool. So I'm like, am I. Am I a writer? You know, part of me was like, I'm a writer. I'm a published writer.

[B]

Technically, you're a professional writer at this point.

[A]

And at the time, I was also writing for Vice. I was writing for Giant Robot. Also not getting paid. Like, this was the first time I got paid, so it felt like, man pay you? No, they didn't, because they. We had that fight, and they never sent the.

[B]

You know, apparently they, quote, only print the truth, but they also don't pay their bills. So, yeah, the truth only goes so far for them.

[A]

So I. It was me. It was like, I can see a lot of my mom in that now. Of how the reality is I'm not successful. I'm a pornographer. But in my head, I'm like, I'm published. I'm a real artist. Like, and I'm a writer. I'm a scholar. You know? Like, I. And then he. I remember wt Nelson paid me, and then it wasn't that much money, and, like. And now it's just, like, that awkward. Like. Yeah, we usually don't have the artists come to the. It's all, like, through mail, and I don't know. You. You want some porn?

[B]

This was before Facebook.

[A]

Yes. Yes. Okay.

[B]

Because the reason I ask is. And I don't want to take you off track, because I was wondering when Facebook eventually paid out. When the equity popped, basically.

[A]

I'll get to all of it, and I'm going to time jump. But, like, it's just.

[B]

Yeah, sure.

[A]

I want to stay.

[B]

Continue.

[A]

I want to stay in the feeling.

[B]

Please.

[A]

I'm trying to. Because these are all stories I've told before, but, like, I've never told them from, like, an emotional perspective. It's always just been, like, almost bragging. Like, I go, like, I'm trying to, for the first time, like, sit. Sit in it. And. Because I want to focus a little bit on the shame part, you know, and part of. You know, part of being an artist is just constant rejection. It's like asking a girl out, like, over and over again. It's like, you're fat, you're ugly. No, thanks. You're not. You know, it's like. And for art, it's. Art is different, you know? Like, what you think is cool, I might think it's cheesy. And it's like, now I can see that. But before, I was like, you're in the presence of greatness, and you're saying no to me. Like, I'm like, okay, okay, all right. I guess it's not good, you know? So it's what I present and what I feel inside.

[B]

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[A]

So they. I mean, part of it is they just started sending me boxes and porn was expensive. Now these spoiled kids today, it's. You know, you could see anything, right? It's just free Internet. But back in the day, if you wanted to buy a video cassette or a DVD or. Or a magazine, those things were like $20. Like, it was expensive. And now I'm getting these care packages from Hustler. Just that I'm not even into, like, bodybuilder chicks with cl. You know, like, just. Just a lot of. And I'm like, it looked crazy at my. At my apartment. Like, it was just. I'd finally moved out of the house. I was dating this girl, this crazy actress, and I just. It was floor to, like, every room in the house had some kind of. It was like, kind of my identity. They're like, Dave the. You know, and she was starting to get disgusted. She's like, who am I dating? You know? And I've always, like, at the core of all my addictions is codependence. It's. I don't know what's happening. The world is scary. I don't feel safe. And I need to go along to get along. And I need to do. I need to make myself small so that everyone around me feels okay and at the cost of me, that's what I need. And so. Oh, you like that kind of art? Then I'll. I'm a chameleon. I'll switch to that. Oh, you like. Oh, you like fugazi? Okay, I'll listen to fugazi. You know, and there's like, it's not black and white. Some of it's true, and some of it's like a mask. And I'm sitting there just, just really struggling. Like stealing fish down my pants so I could eat dinner. Like, I'm not getting paid. Like, there's no money coming in. It's like, graffiti doesn't pay. Like the pornography, like, getting paid in porn is cool, but it's not money. You know, they're like, hey, you want. And I have a. You know, I have a sickness. I've. I have a sex addiction. So it's like, hey, do you want 200 bucks or do you want $1,000 in porn? Which is nothing to them. It's just, you know. So I'm having a. I'm just having a hard time. And I get to my 72 Plymouth Fury, who, like, every time I get in, I could kill myself or something, you know? And there's a note on the door, and it says, doing a period piece movie in Los Angeles. Your car, 1970, fits the time. Can we dress it up to make it look like an undercover, you know, pays something ridiculous, like a thousand bucks a day or something. I'm like, fuck like hell. Like, these small victories, you know? Oh, yeah. I show up the next day, it's on the street. Everything in the street, they made it look like 1970s. There's all these other 1972. And they made it. They put the sirens on the top. They took the license plate off. And the guy that's, like, dressing my car, one of the, you know, the. The union guys looks in the back and he's like, yo, this guy has so much porn in the back of his car. And I was like, yes. You know, like. And I go, what's this movie? And I see Johnny Depp come out of the house, and he's got blonde hair in a ponytail, and it's Blow. That movie. Blow with Pee Wee Herman, right? But he wasn't in that scene. And I'm like, holy, I love Johnny Depp. I'm like, oh, fuck, that's Johnny Depp. And this guy's being really loud. He's like, this guy has a lot of porn. Not just like. And I. And I'm like, oh, yeah, I work for Hustler. You work for Hustler? So I remember just. That was the first time I saw, like, a celebrity on that level in real life. And I was like, oh, he's kind of short, but, like, he was, like, signing autographs and talking to everyone. I'm like, this guy looks. He seems very friendly, you know? Like, he had that whatever charisma Riz, the kids say, and star quality. So then it's, you know, craft service, lunch. You know, I'm. I'm. I've never been on a movie set before, and I'm just like, I'm getting paid to do nothing and just. And I was like, between all the. The background guys, I was the. The man because I had so much porn, you know? So I just had. I grabbed a sampling of it. I had some of the. Some of the ones that I had drawings in, and I put some, like, book My. Like, you know, I don't know. It's like, maybe Johnny Depp's gonna see my butthole paintings and be like, hey, paint me. You know, Like, I don't know. That's my delusion, right? So I'm like, is he gonna eat in his own trailer or is he gonna be down with the crew? And he was down with the crew. So it's like lunch. And it was just a scene, like, with, I think, Ray Liotta and, like, all this. And I'm just sitting there, and I'm like, I want Johnny Depp to see. Like, I want to. Like, I don't know. And I'm. I'm like, who the fuck? I have. I'm like, 23. I've. You know, I'm like, I do graffiti. Like, I got a car that doesn't work for. You know, it's like. But I was like, ah, it's gonna happen. So he's sitting down with the crew. He's like, telling stories, and I didn't have to do it. Another guy was like, hey, Johnny, this guy has all this porn in this guy. He's like, oh, really? I can't do a Johnny Depp impression. And I go. And I was like, my cue. I was like, hey, Johnny. Like, see, this is. This is my R. And, you know, I had some buttman in there. I had a husk. I grabbed a sampling of my, you know, maybe had some color copies of my. My art. And. And he. And he. And he flips through it. He's in his wig, and he's like, like, it's. It's a lot of butts. You know, it's like. It's pretty singular vision. I go, yeah, I could do other stuff. And, you know, he just hands it back to me. I'm like, oh, fuck. And I was like, oh, thanks, Johnny. You know, And I was like, oh, that was cool. And then I'm like, trying to spin that in my head of, like, immediately goes to. He fucking hates you. Like, what's stupid, Stu? Like, why did you. You know, like, why did you do that? And then, Yeah, I don't know the movie. Like, you know, when they do a Hollywood movie, they change the name. I didn't know it was going to be Blow like that Movie's awesome. And I feel like defeated. And they're like, hey, you know, we were going to pay you for two days, but we finished the scene, so you're only going to get paid for one day. And I'm like, I'm going to get as much chicken as possible. So I start getting the Tupperware and you know, like, I'm going to eat for like a week off this craft service food. And I'm walking out and I see all the star wagons and I see on the door, Paul Rubins Maleka, like a high meka heiny ho. I'm like, here we go. Like fucking my childhood. I'm like. And he had gotten cotton jerking off in a movie theater or something. I didn't give. Like, I always. Maybe I can verbalize it better with the shame. But like when Winona Ryder got caught shoplifting or like all of that always made sense to me and it endeared me to. It made me, it made them look human. Like, I was like, that's weird. My hero, my childhood hero that did Pee Wee's Big Adventure, Pee Wee's Playhouse. Getting caught, jerking off. And why did he do that? Why didn't he do it at home or. But I. Even those things I didn't understand. I was like, now I'm like, I love that guy. Like, I, like, I have nothing but compassion for like. And that's like a lot of stuff that I had to work out with myself because a lot of things I do now is I work with, you know, murderers and at risk youth and like, I'll work with anybody because my old self is like, fuck this dude. Fuck this person. Fuck you. You hurt me. Revenge. Revenge. Very Korean, you know. And now I go, if, you know, and I work with people in prisons. I go, if you're willing to be a better version of yourself, I can. I'm not a scientist. I don't. But I can use art and creativity to work with you to be a better person. Or try at least if you're willing. Only if you're willing. If you're not willing, then I don't want to waste my time and you know, you know, great. So, you know, fuck it, I'm gonna do it. So Johnny didn't want the porn here. I write a little. I don't remember exactly what I wrote. And I was like, biggest fan, love you. I, I think I wrote like, I don't care what they say about you. Like, I still love you. And I can draw other stuff, but here's stuff I've done for. And I left it on his thing. I knocked and I. I was too embarrassed to like. And I ran away. And I mean, it just. There was so many. There was so many moments I remember, you know, and then. So like, it's. It's gradual, right? Like it's like, okay. And then this little thing happens in this. But. And you know, it was like, I don't know, a decade before the Facebook. And also, I don't pay attention to that stuff. So as the Facebook stuff was rising, Sean would text me and he's like, hey, you know, those shares are worth a quarter million now. Or. But then at the time I was gambling and I was making that much gambling, so I was like, ah, whatever, I don't care. He's like, yo, you know, they're worth a million now. And I had quietly become a millionaire by the time I was 30 at a huge art show with Steve Lazaridis, whose Banksy's art guy. And I was like, I hit at the right time that, you know, like, oh, you dad, look. I made, you know, like the art that he hated me for. I was like, look, there it is. You know, and there was always a lot of anger at that. It's like you live in a house that was paid for by like spray painted dicks. You who you know, like, you know, and it's like, I love my parents. It's a love hate relationship. It's complicated. Or maybe it's not that complicated, but it's like, you know, hearing. I know how proud of. Even though it's not very Asian for a parent from another country to say, I'm proud of you. Like, he, he tell, you know, he. He's like, we like kiss on the lips. He's like, I. And he rubs my face like, I love you, dude. He doesn't cuss, but he's like, I love you, I'm proud of you. And it's like all that shit I just said, it's like, you know, so I have a lot of compassion for. For my. My family. So, like, I remember. And then things like I started working for Vice. You know, I had this relationship with Gavin McInnes and Shane Smith, and they just, they're like, hey, you went to Africa to look for a dinosaur. You hitchhike. Like, and this was as print is dying and things are. They were the first early adopters of tech. And you know, they're like, vice is gonna move to online. I'm like, who? I'm always the guy that's like, who the fuck. You know? It's like, I'm like Korean Forrest Gump. I'm like, just in the room with, like, the most important things in life happening. And I go, all right, cool. And they're like, what can you film for? Nothing. You know, because it was like Spike Jones was there in the beginning. Johnny Knoxville, like, you know, it was like the beginning of. Of that advice, you know, ended all fucked up because of greed and all that shit. But I was like, every time I hitchhike, something crazy happens. They're like, okay, cool. Film that. So then I started filming Thumbs Up. I think the first. This is what I was saying with time, I think it was 20 years ago, and I do all that shit. And then it's like, all the things like I was saying that I was arrested for, I got shamed for, embarrassed for. Now people are giving me money and jobs, and they're like, yeah, all that fucked up shit. Can you do it on camera? Can you? You know? And I was like, oh, they like me. My mother was right, you know? And so one day, my friend Dave Chang, who also is a. You know, severe gambling issues, you know, I didn't want to meet that guy because that was like looking in a mirror. He was like, everyone's like, he's you, but of cooking. And I was like, I don't need to meet. Like, I need to meet with people that lift me out of my shit. Not. That's why I hate meeting other addicts, because then it's like, you know, like, you never know how it. Like, right now, I'm sitting here telling if I'm getting. If I'm being. If I started this show, telling you what I least want to share. It's like, now I'm addicted to Pokemon, right? Like, you go, oh, you haven't gambled in a casino in 10 years. You haven't. You know, and you pat yourself on the back. And then the worst thing happens. My kid gets into Pokemon. I go into a shop. I had no idea that packs cost $20. I open a pack, and the worst possible thing could happen. I get the hit card. It's like, you got The Sunbrian, the $1,000. And I'm like, wait, wait, wait, hold on. Wait. What? And I go, oh, this is gambling. And in six months, I. I've gone from like, maybe I'll spend 100 bucks, which. Which at the time, I was like, for cards. And now I spend thousands of dollars a day on it. And it's. And now. And. And I Always. I always turn my addictions, which I'm always open about, into my job. But it's for work. The buttholes. That was for work. You know, everything's for work. It's like, oh, now I'm drawing on the. I got one for you. I'll give it to you later. I drew on Mike Tyson for you because I know you like Michael Jones.

[B]

I should get context. Dave sent me a text yesterday. He said, what's your favorite Pokemon? And I don't know because I don't all Pokemon. He goes, what's your favorite athlete? And I said, mike Tyson.

[A]

That's a Pikachu painted on top of Mike Tyson for you.

[B]

So dope.

[A]

So, so, I mean, it's, it's like, you're welcome. You know, the addictions, the things they say about addiction is, it's, it's baffling, cunning, seductive. And so you. I, I'm like, oh, I'm not. The gambling comes up in other ways. You know, it's like trading cards, you know, like little things. And it's like, I don't, I'm not as a middle aged man and I'm shaming myself. It doesn't feel good to be, you know, like, like I'm friends with guys that are like, like Money Mark, who's in the Beastie boys, like, he's 65. And my friend Bill Poon, who I used to do a podcast, he's 62. So like I'm, I'm a middle aged man hanging out with other middle aged men in the middle of night, talking about Predator Badlands, talking about like childish arrested development type of shit. I go. And the thing is, like, I've been to countries and cultures where like even being a Mormon and like when you turn 18, there, there is a, a ritual that happens that says, now you're a man. And we don't have that in our culture. So that's why you have grown men wearing Pokemon T shirts and talking about fantasy. It's all the same fantasy football. It's all fantasy. It's all immature shit. And you just have grown men collecting toys and comic books and talking about cards and, and it's like, okay, if it makes you happy, cool, I guess. But there's always, there's always a part of me that's like dissatisfied. Like, like I, I do like my daily affirmations of like, I, I don't, I don't need to do anything today for Andrew to like me. Like, I'm enough. Like, I just, I have to sit in that. And I was like, no, I gotta. And. And then I. I got it from you. You know, it's like, we talked once on the phone before I showed up today, and you've sent me a mountain of this yerba mate, this delicious matina. And I'm like, that's. I fucking. Like, this is like crack to me now. And I'm like, oh, this guy, I don't know, is the sending, hey, can I get some more of that? And I told you I was starting to get sick. And you're like, oh, I'm going to send you some Peptides. And I go, what a sweetie. And cute and, like, awesome and very handsome. And, like, your shirts, the way they fit every time. I'm like, dude, you got some guns. And, like, the clothes look good. I'm jealous of your posture. And I just go, oh, this guy's a caretaker. Like, I haven't. I don't even fucking know the guy. And he's sending me, like, I don't know if Peptide's a drug, but he's like, oh, I'll help you, Dave. I'll send you these experimental medicines and this. And I go, thank you. But also, you don't need to do any of that. Like, I just wanted to meet you.

[B]

And to be clear, I know I don't have to. It's in my nature to want to care for people that I feel loved towards.

[A]

I know, but, like, we just met and I'm like, those things take time. And then you're like, no, I got people to do that, or whatever. And I go, I'll speak for myself. The cost of that at some point is you, right? When you spend so much time thinking of others, you know, and so. And it feels like, against how I was raised, like, oh, fuck, this feels selfish for me to, you know, like, I never took a. You know, at. At the height of my workaholism, I was touring with my band. My podcast was. Was dvda, say was, you know, which I did with Asa Akira, porn star, and Bobby Lee and Steve Lee. It was becoming, like the biggest. You know, it was. There was no one doing podcasts back then. It was Joe, Adam, Carolla. I'm trying to remember. It wasn't that. It wasn't what it is now, you know? And so it was. It was insane, like, because I grew up on Howard Stern, and I'm like, just hearing him fight. Like, you couldn't say a certain thing. And. And then he'd get punished by the fcc. And then someone was like, hey, Dave, you know what a podcast. This sounds weird. What's a podcast? And they go and talking about terrestrial radio and the FCC and rules. And I was like, as a new canvas as you could. You can say anything. You can, like, you could cuss and tell, like, the worst story, like. And I. I just. I couldn't believe that it existed. I couldn't believe. And so, you know, and I didn't, like, come in with a mission statement. And I know intention's huge, and part of it was I was just running and running, but now, in hindsight, I go, what was that? And I was, oh, shame. Chasing. I was like, how can I be as. How can I record the downfall of me? Like, Like. Like, how. How much can I go over the edge? How much can I push up against this boundary and see? Because let me see if you care, right? And first of all, I was like, no one's listening. Turns out it was a lot of people listening. But I didn't know that at the. You know, we started. I was like, let's just. Let's just go. Let's record our downfall. Let's record our bottom. Like, as an addict, like, being. Being how. Like, I'm chasing shame. Like, I'm like. In a way, it's like this. Like, someone who's like a flasher. They're like, what kind of person gets off on, like, running down the street? I was like, that's what I'm doing. I'm trying to. I'm not a mentally well person that I'm dealing with demons inside me that I don't know how to articulate. So I'm going to workaholism. I'm going. And I'm trying to find myself and find out what I'm trying. Like, I don't. And it's just so painful, and I. I feel misunderstood. And I go, let's just say the worst possible things every episode and. And make fun of it like a joke. And just like, I mean, once again, if I look back and I go, what's the worst things that ever happened to me? Jail, like, getting canceled multiple times. It's like, all of it led to the best moments of my life. So I don't sit here and judge. Oh, this was good. This was bad. Because good moments lead to. It's just life, right? It's fluid, and it's. There's a spectrum of good and bad. So I remember just. There was so many. I'm, like, doing this podcast, and in my mind, I was like, like. And. And, like, having Howard Stern write me that going on his show and him telling me afterwards in private, dude, you're out of control. Was the greatest compliment. You know, Howard Stern, the. The despise, you know, the king of all media, telling me. And I asked him on the show if he can adopt me, and I'm like, I'm the prince of all media. I do comics, and I do fine art. I do graffiti. I can do anything. You know, and to have that validation and. And, you know, we don't talk regularly, but, you know, I started sending him watercolor stuff, and then he got into water, and he's really good. Like, he. Like everything. He went into it. And so that was. And then at one point, I was talking to his producers about being on. On Sirius, like, right after him, and I was like, there's, like, Jane Cho was right. I am the greatest. Like, I can do anything. And then, you know, people started listening, and they're like, these people are saying the worst shit ever. And I was like, I know, but I'm just like, don't they know I'm a comedian? Like, you never told anyone. Like, and that's not funny, but whatever. I mean, I shouldn't have said, like, a lot of the things I said, and I never gave. I don't. Like, as an artist. I don't, like, expl. Like, here's my black penis I painted on the wall. Like, I don't. I paint and I do stuff. But the. The mistake that I made was words like, in the spectrum of entertainment and art, everyone watches movies and video. Like, that's up here. So that has the most eyeballs on it. Then you go all the way down to. At the time, podcasts, art gallery, nobody. You do whatever you want. No one cares. And so that's how was I. I was approaching it. And people go, when you paint the most fucking vile, obscene, disgusting shit, it's still a painting, right? But when you say stuff, people take it literally. Like, you're coming at a microphone, like. Like, it's a. Oh, shit. I scared myself. That was so good. I love that. Oh, my God. That was. Felt good. That was a good scream. That was like your punk rock. Someone sampled that and turned that into a punk rock song. But I. I treated it like it was just another. You know, I. I was. It was Sean Parker. I'm not blaming. It was these people in my life that I witnessed as successful. They didn't take reality seriously, right? I'm like, I don't care what I'm gonna say. I'm gonna Push it as far as I can, because I don't care. Because I don't respect reality. I've never have, like you saw, you believe in. Yes. Yes, I believe. Look into my eyes. I believe in Santa Claus 100. There's no part of me that doubts that that's who you're talking to. A mentally ill person working on himself, trying to express himself as, you know, like a perfectly imperfect, unrepeatable miracle of the universe. That's how I. I'm trying my best. That's it. That's it, you know? So I meet David Chang. I become friends with him. He's like, let's go to dinner. I'm gonna bring my friend. And his friend happens to be Anthony Bourdain. Immediately, like, I've met my. My brother. Like, I mean, he's older than me, but it was just, you know, ex heroin addict, got through it through workaholism, and I could see that he was tired, you know, and he had a. He had a thing that he kept saying. He's like, what's your life? You just fucking watch TV and watch the Simpsons. And, you know, he had this story like, I have to live an interesting life. And he's like, oh, I'm doing. You know, so I developed a friendship with him because it was just organic. Like, it wasn't like, oh, I want to. He was, in a way, grooming either Chang or me or Roy Choi. I don't know. He liked Asians, but he was grooming us to take over, basically. And. And that. That. That once again fed my ego of, like, oh, he's. He can see what my mom. He thinks I'm special. Like, the guy that is the most interesting person on the planet wants me to take over. Like, oh, my God, this is great. You know, so he's like, my. You know, it's like you're doing. You know, he's. His show changes. There's no reservations. It's. It's. It kept changing. And so, you know, every time I ate with him, it was insane. I mean, I don't know if he had eating disorders or what, but it's Anthony Bourdain. So you go in a restaurant and they bring out every food, right? Like, everything. And I go. I'm watching him. He takes a sip of water. Thank you. Can you wrap this up? I'm like, you're not gonna eat? You know, because everywhere he went, every chef wanted to. And he's like, dave, if I ate all this shit, like, I'd be like, £300, you know, so I'm like, can I. Can I take it home? He's like, yeah, you could have it. And then as I got to know him a little better, every time he came to la, he'd stay at Chateau Marmont. And I'd be like, is your life just eating at restaurants? And he's like, yeah. I go, hey, from now on, just come to my house. My mom's like. He's like, I would fucking love that. You know, he closes eyes, like, so whenever he come to la, he would go to my mom's house. My mom would. My mom loved him. Like, Tony and my mom were. She. He. I don't know what his relationship with his mom was like, but he loved my mom. And he'd always. He knew culture, so he'd always bring the Asian pairs. You know, he knew like, oh, I'm going to a Korean's house. And then after a while, like, when I meet people that I love and I respect, I value the friendship. So I don't go. And that doesn't mean I don't value you. I was like, I would love to be friends with you first before doing your podcast. But I was like, fuck it. Like, let's just jump into it.

[B]

But we'll do it in reverse.

[A]

Yeah, we'll do it in reverse. And same thing. Like, I never asked to be on a show. I never. But after a while, he just was like, dave, I'm doing la. And I go, but haven't you done la? He goes, yeah, but this. Specifically Koreatown. And I go, okay. I mean, I grew up in Korea. I was born and raised in Koreatown. But so then his producer, his production company, 0.0, I loved it because when I did Thumbs Up, I'm everything. I'm the director, I'm the production. It's just like, thumbs up is me, my friend Harry, a camera guy, and, like, a chase van. That's it. It's four people. But, you know, I was like, oh, this is like, what a real TV show is. Like, he had guys setting up shots, and it was like, a lot of people. And I go, oh, fuck, this seems cool. Like, you don't have to. So he go. So his producer calls me and goes, okay, we're gonna set this show up for, like, two months from now. And it's Korea town centric. Like. And I go, okay, but do you want to do fake? Like, I'm down. Like, what. What do you guys need? Like, do you. Like, I know every. All the restaurants and stuff in Koreatown now. But I grew. Koreans don't eat Korean food. Like, from my era, we didn't have any money. So when we go out, we eat at Sizzler. We eat at Denny's. We don't eat. We get Korean food at home. You know, like, so if he's trying to do an authentic story about where I eat in Korea, it's in Koreatown. It's Sizzler. And like, everyone, every Korean American I know eats at Sizzler. And so she's like, so you're telling me we're gonna bring Anthony Bourdain to, you know, spend all this money to take him to Sizzler? I go, hey, I just told you. Like, I'll fake it. Like, I'll. I know all the new spots. I know all the chefs. Like, we could. But I didn't eat that growing up. He goes, no. Tony loves authenticity. I'm like, we're going to Sizzler then. So we do this whole episode. He comes to my warehouse and he's. I mean, it's like. I mean, pitfall after pitfall. Like, it's. I remember at the time, Channing Tatum came to my. Like, he's like his agent, this guy, Bill, Korean guy. Channing Tatum's agents, Korean. And he calls me and he goes, my client, Channing Tatum loves you. And like, it's like after all these things and getting canceled over and over again in comics and whatever field I went in, there was always, you're not supposed to do that. You're not supposed to paint on a Mike Tyson card. You're not supposed to paint over this graffiti. You're not supposed to. There's rules that you're not following. And I'm like, it was this my whole life. So I remember Channing Tatum was also attracted to that. And he showed up with his agent and he's like, he had just done. He was a pretty boy. He's one of the most handsome guys, but he's so talented. And I'm like, I don't fucking want to meet Channing. I don't care about Channing Tatum. And then he came to the warehouse and he's like, don't think of me as just like the pretty boy dancing step up from the streets guy. Like, I'm about to do GI Joe. But, like, I'm like. And I had. I'd put out zines and like self published books, and I write the way I talk right now. And he'd read that. And I was like, channing Tatum read. You know, he Goes, you're a great writer. And I'm like, there it is again. I'm like, I write porn. He's like, no, no, no. You have a way of talking and writing that I need to be a part of that. Like, whatever. I go, but I've never written a script. He goes, whatever you write, I'm going to produce it. And I go, holy shit, dude, this is amazing. And then, like, I don't know, I'm time jumping. But at some. At some point, I got a little cocky and he put out 21 Jump street, which Johnny Depp again, you know? And I said, there's ice cubes talking to Korean Jesus during that movie. Do you guys still have that Korean Jesus? He's like, oh, yeah, we made that for the. I go, if you guys want to work with me, I need that Korean Jesus. So they sent me the Korean Jesus and I put it in my warehouse and I pray. I prayed to it every night. I prayed to Korean Jesus. And what else? I mean, because of all the canceling, it's like, if I get canceled at Marvel, then DC wants to work with me. So it's like, once again being rewarded for the bad behavior. So there's this editor at DC Comics. Oh, cool. I can't draw Hulk and Wolverine, but Batman, Superman, and this guy Axel Alonso, who worked at Vertigo, which was like the more adult, like, Sandman and stuff like that, he contacts me and he's like, I've been reading your fucking fucked up articles and Vice. He's like, you're a writer. I go, that's the thing that I have the most respect for is writing. Like, I have a book in me. I've never. I haven't sat down, but it's like, it's in here. I'm too scared to. To get it out. But he's like. He's like, yeah, your art's okay. Okay. And he goes, I want you to write a book about. You know, I. It was like Koreatown Gangsters or. And it was shit that I didn't know about. I was like, it. I'll. I'll make it up. And I was like, yeah, I'm gonna write it like this. And he's like, no, you're gonna write it and someone else is gonna draw it. I was like, oh, okay. But he was like. And then I. I started writing it and. And I. I start writing him emails. Like, it's. It's. It's done. And, you know, email bounce back. He quit and, like, moved to Marvel. And I'm like, oh. Oh, fuck. It was almost about to happen again, you know, and then. And then my podcast starts getting bigger and bigger, and I'm so. I'm in my full workaholism. I'm aware that I'm an addict. I'm like, I'm in my full addiction. I'm gambling with my life and life savings every single day while touring with my band Mongchi, doing the news for Vice, doing art shows, like, legally around the world, and doing illegal. Like, just. And people are like, are you on coke? I'm like, I don't have chemicals. I don't do. I get high off. Like, I. And each thing is like, I have to do the I. I'm not enough. That's what I believe about. That's what I did believe about myself. And still sometimes today is I was everything the world had shown me is that besides from my mother, is that you're not. And that was also confusing because she sent me away and abandoned me. So it was like, you're telling me I'm the best, but then you threw me out like trash. So a lot of mixed messages and. And the messaging that I heard growing up that I received was, you're not enough. Your women don't date Asians. Your art looks like shit. It's. You're not following the graffiti rules. Your art's a little too aggressive to be refined for. It's just. Everything is just so everything had to be. I need to be. It's not. It's not like I can kind of be in this field. Like, I have to have the best podcast. And in my mind, that was Howard Stern. So I was like, however extreme he is, I have to go like, Howard's the ringleader, but I need to be the guy that's the. You know, And I. I don't care what happens to me, because I've had third degrees, burns all over my foot. Like, my brother's read my diary. I've been stabbed in my. Like, I don't care what you do to me, because it'll never be what I can do to myself. I've hurt myself. So. So then I'm in Russia or the North Pole, interviewing. It's my first time doing the serious news. And I remember at the time, Shane and Eddie and everyone at Vice, we sat down, and they're like, dave, your podcast is out of control. It's like. And they. And, like, they all know me. They're like, you can't say those things. I go, I can say, what the fuck I Want. I'm like, this is Vice, baby. Like, we did. They're like, Dave. And it was like second season of Vice News on hbo. The first season was Dennis Rodman in North Korea getting a lot of attention. We start getting Emmy nominations. And the year that we did it, I won the Emmy for the news. I'm like, you know, my ego's like, oh, the first time doing the news, fucking nailed it. And I'm like, I'm God, dude. I can do serious news. And I could do weird butthole talk on this show. And I could do serious fucking delicate watercolors that could be in a museum. And I could do the most craziest, like, you can't fucking put me in a box. And if you try to, I'm like, I am better than you. I'm better than you as a human being. I'm better than you as an art. And it was like, my friends, just like. Because it's easier when you're an alcoholic or drug addict. You're like, bro, you're unhinged, you're out of control. But it was just narcissism, hating myself, self destructive behavior, just. And again, the people would come up to come with me. I'd bring them to because I controlled my addiction. Like, I would. I knew that I had a problem. And I know the nature of addiction is you can't stop. So I did something that I've never heard another addict do, which is I would hire people, close friends, being like, I'm an addict, I cannot be trusted. I'm a liar, I'm a thief. And so when I'm in my gambling state, I don't hold my money. So as soon as I win the number I told you I'm win, I need you to punch me in the face. I need you to drag me away from the table. Because now I'm going to say anything to keep going. So I can never touch my own money. If you see me falling in love with a girl and going into my love addiction, I need you to come and punch me in my face. And like, I gave permission for people to hurt me physically and to physically remove me. It's like, like, if I was an, if I was an alcoholic, it would be, I'm at a bar and after two drinks, if you see me take a third, boom. And drag me out of the bar. So in that way, very sadomasochistic, but successful. Like, I never. Because I had someone and they would only get paid if I. They got me to stop, right? But then I Pay these people to stop me and then try to figure out ways to, you know. So at the height of my workaholism is the height of my addiction. Like, I got every. I don't sleep. There's days. And then I had a heart attack when I was 35, an angina attack. I collapsed. I went blind, I collapsed. And of course, like a lot of stories, as soon as I didn't go to the hospital, as soon as I woke up, I was like, what the fuck was that? Like, I woke up 30 hours later, another day, and I just went back to gambling. But it was like, you know, I could go into euphoric recall and just start telling, like. But I don't want to like, glamour because it's like, I figured out how to. How to be in the world. If I have sex with lots of women and win lots of money and work really hard at all these jobs, then I will be validated and congratulated and held up high in this culture. Even though if I'm dying inside, I need to. I've spent so much time in shame. I need to go. I want to see what it feels like to be, like a winner, you know? But then that's when I got there. I go, what do you do when you get to the heavy is the crown? It's lonely at the. Like, I got to the top and I was like, kind of boring. Let's. The kid in the village with the match, let's burn it down. We got here. It's like. And that was my childhood. Literally. I would spend a lot of time building giant Legos with all the loot. Like, we had, like, all mismatched Legos. That was like, you know, hand me downs. And I would build a giant starship and my brother would come in, cool, we can just smash it. I was like, I worked so long on that, but that was me doing. My brother is somewhere around about to destroy my career. Let me just do it myself. Let me self sabotage myself. Self sabotage. It was like mini suicides, you know? And so it's all, I'm like, here. Here I am. It's all, I'm finally going to be, you know, validated as a human being, you know, and then I get, you know, I get Vice telling me, hey, you get, you can't do your podcast and the news. I go, then go fuck yourself. You know, and then we win the Emmy, but I'm not part of that anymore. And then. And then I can't keep track because I keep. They're like, did you know, this artist got caught on saying, I go, it's on my podcast. It was my podcast. You don't fucking. It's not like I, I did it on purpose, you know, Anyways, it just kept happening and I, I'm at the sickest I've been mentally, and I'm trying to make sense of my situation while the world is. Also has its own issues. And I, and I, I just, I, like, I hit my bottom. I just went so off the deep end. And my friends were all like, you're gonna die. Like, it's not like a normal OD with drugs, but you like, literally had a heart attack from not sleeping and gambling for a week straight. Like masturbating non stop to pornography. Just like video games. I couldn't stop playing Angry Birds, which everything's like. So I can make a joke out of it. And they're like, that's your safety thing is to make a joke out of it. And so I walk in to, you know, a meeting and Channing Tatum's dude is like, channing ain't fucking working with you. And it was, it wasn't him. It was like, hey, I've spent all. It was. The agency is like, we've spent all this time building up a heartthrob teen idol thing. He's not going to be seen with a scumbag like you. I go, oh, it's happening again. Shame. I walk into 0.0. Bourdain's like, when I'm done, it's you. You're gonna. Here's a book deal with my publishing company. It your show's gonna be on cnn, it's gonna be exactly like mine, but with art. Like, you're gonna travel around the art and it's like, authentic to you because you already do that. I'm just like, holy shit, dude. This is it paid off all the bad behavior. Like, I met my kindred spirit and. And I knew he wasn't happy. That's one of my. I can't watch. Like, it's been years since all that happened and I still. I can't. I can't. Like, I felt like I met someone who finally understood me. So I know it wasn't him, but, you know, I don't remember the guy's name. I remember them. And they could have told me over the phone. They're like, dave, it was like getting caught at the principal's office. It was like. And I'm pumped. I'm like, my mom was right, Jane. Joe was right. Like the most Interesting man on the planet. Like, my friend Tony is, like, handing. You know, handing me the baton, like, and I'm gonna do him. Like, I'm gonna go for it. Like, I wasn't married, I didn't have kids. I'm like, I'm gonna fucking. Really, really. Like, I took it so seriously. Went to Nat Geo and, like, took all the meetings. And, you know, I remember sitting at a table just like this, and the. The whole 0.0 production team is like, we love Tony. Like, he goes, but we are not working with you. And I go, you couldn't send an email? Like, like, what are you shaming? And. And all of this is fuel for me. Like, they don't know this. I'm like, the more you fucking do this to me, the more I. You're giving me my drug, which I'm chasing, which is anger and shame. It's a fucking powerful drug, right? And I go, okay, just another on the list that I gotta prove wrong. Like, I will make you regret the same way Chip regrets fucking talking. Sh. Like, I will make you feel you come at me. You better fucking kill me, because I'm going to fucking destroy you now. Like, I am going to make the most awesome show ever. And, you know, Tony called me and apologies. Like, dude, I don't. Like, they're their own company. Like, we work together, but they, you know, the optics aren't good. And I go, all right. You know, and I was like, missed it by that much. Like, so it. And I had grown accustomed to it. Like, this was. This is not a new. I could just keep telling another. Like, oh. And then Marvel rejected me, then dc, Then the episode I did with Tony. I take him to Sizzler. I show him how I fucking did Fusion with a meatball and a taco. It was true to me, right? You know, I hammed it up a little bit for the camera. I rode my. Wore my, like, shiny red Sizzler suit. But that was me. That was how my family and it resonated. It was the most watched episode. Like, I introduced him to Estevan Oriole and Mr. Cartoon. He loved all the lowrider cars. It was a fucking LA episode. And it was like, my friends. And it was like, it was awesome. I felt so good. And I just started getting like, Sizzler asked me to be their spokesperson. Like, and the episode is me talking shit about how horrible their food is, but it has this. I'll do it, guys. I'll do it. And so they're. They're, you know, they're like, it's the most watched episode of that. And then we won an Emmy for that season. And I'm just like. And then that happens. And I'm like, holy sh. Like, and then you go on Netflix or whatever it was on, and that episode's just missing. I mean, it's back now, but they took it off and I was like, just keep striking, you know, And I'm like, what did I do? You know, like, me playing Vic, like, what did I do? Did I do that? Like, I'm Urkel. I'm like, like, you're a fucking idiot, dude. You do dumb shit that you shouldn't do. You should shut the fuck up and just. And when I meet the most powerful intellectually, like, just these powerhouse humans once again, doesn't always have to be sexual abuse, but it usually is with men, right? I mean, women, I don't know that experience because I'm not a woman. But for a man to take your humanity like that, then I see, because it's ptsd. It's right. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. But then every now and then, like, I don't know what the exact stats are, you get pt. I'm making this up. Ptgd. Post Traumatic Growth Disorder. It's like, that should have turned me into a drug addict homeless person. But instead I took all that pain and I was like, k Rage. I'll show you. I'll fucking show you. You should have never done that to me. You should have never. You should have never minimized me and put me down and disregarded me. And now I have to teach you a lesson. Now I have to show you who you're fucking with. And it's such a horrible. It's such a. It's such a painful way to live life. And I. I can't live with that pain. So I have to just keep doing more. It's never enough. I have to just keep showing you that I'm enough. So then I'm just. I'm living in, like, a very. I know I'm telling a very name droppy, like, douchey LA story, but, you know, I have Anthony Bourdain, who's I consider a friend and my hero and my idol. Like, I was in a gang called Koreans Got Bad. That was two people, me and my friend Harry Kim. But we wrote it everywhere. KGB Everywhere. And then I remember the episode came out and he wrote KGB Forever or something like that. Koreans. I'm like, my gang is Harry Kim and Anthony Bourdain. Like, I just. I was like, it just. It made me so happy that it's like, Tony Bourdain is repping my set, you know, Like. Like, I'm a fucking gay. You know? It's like it was two fucking dumb asses just writing, drawing dumb bucktooth whales. And, I mean, I miss that guy so much.

[B]

The people that were close to him, like you and Joe.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So it's the same response always.

[A]

So then I. I'm, you know, I'm like, lost. I'm. I'm getting closer and closer to hitting my version of a bottom. And I get. I get a call from David Arquette, like, the actor, you know, And I. I love all the Arquettes, you know, But David, you know, this is LA shit, right? He just reaches out and he's like, hey, I am watching TV right now with my, I think, fiance at the time, and we just saw your Anthony Bourne. And he's like, that's the most fucking LA shit. He's like, I wrote. I was in a crew called KGB Kids Gone Bad. And I was like, no, Kareem's Gone Bad. You know? And he goes, it's crazy. Like, I'm. I used to do graffiti and tag. I used to write kgb. And I grew up eating at Sizzler with my family. And he goes. And I'm turning. I forgot. He was like, I'm turning 45 or 50. I forgot how old he was, but it was like a big one, like 40. And I'm having it at, like, the. You know, Sizzler's almost out of business. I think there's, like, three left in la. And he's like. And it's at the Sizzler that I grew up, and I would love you to be here. And all. All that stuff always all, like, weird celebrity stuff, always makes me nervous because I'm like, I don't know if they're going to be fake or, you know. And I'm a sensitive person. Like, if I'm meeting new people and they don't like me, I'm like, oh, I'm a piece of. You know, I'm sensitive. I'm a sensitive artist. So I go to Sizzler with my friend Critter. I was like, hey, can you come with me? And we get to Sizzler and it's packed and it's. There's the buffet bar with the cheese toast. And he's like, dave, Dave, I want. I want you to meet some friends here. Come sit at this table. And I sit down and it's Sacha Baron Cohen, like, my fucking hero. And Pee Wee Herman. And I'm like, holy fuck, dude. And, you know, both of them are just huge art fans, so, like, they don't know my art, but, you know, David Arquette talked me like, this guy's an awesome artist. And they're like, oh, cool, we want to check it out. And so, you know, Sacha Baron Cohen, like, collects a lot of Banksy and this. And he's like, fuck, dude, I got to come to your studio. I got to, you know. So then I'm like, oh, cool. Like, once again, like this. Oh, people like me. And if people like me, then maybe I like myself, you know? Like, and it's. It's nice. It's nice to be liked. It feels good to be validated and liked by people that you look up to, right? So especially Pee Wee Herman's my art. God, like I said, Bob Ross, Mr. Rogers, dope. But for me, that's what I grew up on. That. The full commitment to that character, the voice, the king of cartoon penny, the stop motion animation. I just. It spoke to me, you know, all the Gary Panter art. So I go, fuck, I don't know when I'm gonna meet this guy again. I go, hey, I don't know, 20 years ago, 15 years ago, you did a movie called Blow. And he's like, oh, yeah, Blow. You know, I go, hey, did you ever remember, like, getting a porn package on your step? And he's like. And like, I'm trying to read his eyes. He's like, no, I don't remember that. And I was like, ah, I guess someone, you know. But I did get his number that night. And then, you know, as I get, I hit like. Like, I wouldn't be here today without my friends. Just all who love me came and they're like, dave, you're not. Like, it. It went too far this way. You know, you used to be this sweet, nice, humble guy, and just. You just. You need a lot of help. So I like everything else. I just dedicated. I. Stop. I. Obviously it was the hardest thing I ever did in my life, but including plant medicine, therapy, rehabs, men's groups, 12 step meetings, just whatever. If someone said it was going to help you, I'm like, you're just breaking. Like generations of all fucking Asians hit their kids, all. You know, everyone got sent away, you know, just like. I know, but I want it to stop. It's either I fucking kill myself or I knew I needed to stop. And enough people caring about me made me care about myself enough. And I. And I did what? I got the podcast, the band, like, the people, and they go, they'll be fine. Everyone's going to figure it out. And I. And I got help. And, you know, as soon as I was out of the first rehab, like, 45 days, I was like, I'm gonna do a podcast about this. And they're like, matt out there, he's just like, hey, why don't you live this life before you start telling? He's like, but I learned so many. You go, yeah, but why don't you implement it in your life? And so I'm 49 now. I rarely do podcasts. I still do something creative every single day. I like to do it with other people. I've. I've re. You know, I'd like to thank the sponsor today for this. God, you know, I know people are like, oh, you're all. You're religious. I go, I don't. You know, I don't believe in God, but I still pray to him. And like, God, whatever you want to call it, the, like, whatever that is, whatever that thing that controls telepathy and Santa and connection and all this, he doesn't care if I believe in him. He's still there, right? It's like such an ego thing of that.

[B]

I don't believe.

[A]

Who cares what you. The thing. It's like saying you don't believe in the ocean. The ocean is still there. So I want to thank that guy. And. And so as I live this life and then I start to be like, what is my purpose? Why am I here? What is. You know, before, your art was about, like, disgusting this and offending people. And it was just a fuck you just showing people, hey, Asian people aren't all quiet like, you're a rebel. Like, show like, you're supposed to shut the fuck up and become a lawyer or doctor. And it just like, I always tell people, they go, oh, how do I make it? I want to be. I go, I'm an expert in disappointing my parents. You must disappoint your parents. Like, my dad is so disappointed in me over and over again until he's not. But I'm like, what would have happened if I didn't disappoint him? I would have got a pretty high sat. I would have, you know, probably been on my second marriage, lawyer golf, like. And he'd be like, ah, I don't know. I don't know. But I. I know that he's proud of me now. And it was like a long, hard path to get there. And so I go, I. And part of me, you know, if you can't tell by now, it goes like this. The pendulum swings very hard. So I said to myself, I'm going to. Like, everything up until now has been about, look at me, let me show you. And it's like. And I go, it's. It's. I gotta take some space for me now. And. And. And, you know, I work with all these youth groups and stuff, and people go, hey, you know, you did a lot of media, and you did a lot of. Where you put yourself out there showing the worst part of yourself and, like, trying to prove to people that you're not a good person. It's like, you know, it would. It would, like, touch people and help people to see, like, your journey and your path. And I go, that. I'm not going to put myself through that. Like, I'm taking space. And they're like, yeah, but, like, at some point, are you going to share your story? And I go, no, that's too literal. I hate words. Words can be confused. Words can be misconstrued. I'm not doing that. I'm just doing this. And this is enough. Like, your ego goes, oh, I'm working with 12 kids today, but if it was filmed, it could reach millions of people. And it's like, no, you're working with 12 kids today. And that's it. That's enough, Right? But then at some point after year, this is years, a decade of recovery. I thought, well, part of the reason why I hate working with not. And, like, Netflix, Hulu, hbo, it doesn't matter. Like, they're all corporations. They could be cool or whatever, but. And even podcasts, which was. That's the conversation we had. I'm like, it all gets edited. It's like, as soon as anything gets a little. And so I go, I'll just make my own show because I have money to do that, and it's not going to cost that much. And then if someone wants to buy it, they will or they won't. So I started making my version of Pee Wee's Playhouse, which was the Cho show, and it came out on FX on Hulu. And I got to learn what. Taking notes and having, you know, corporate feedback and whatever. I'm grateful that it happened, but they killed a lot of the episodes. And. And then everyone's like, what's your. Who's your dream guest? And I was like, it doesn't matter. I'll talk to anybody. I'll talk to, like, the Garbage man I'll talk to, you know, but they're like, it's for tv, so you should try to get some celebrities or well known people. And I was like, I want Pee Wee Herman, you know, and I had his number still from Sizzler. So I called him and I, you know, and Pee Wee Herman's like, I don't know if he's just one of those people that once he gets your contact info, you get a birthday message from him every year or a Christmas card. I was like, it just. Every time I got it, I would send show all my friends. I'm like, it just made me feel so good. So, yeah, I have those emails that Sean Parker said about, like, what he wanted from my art to disrupt the world. I have the nice message from Howard Stern, and I have the voice. So I called Peewee and he's like, dave, I got some stuff, some health stuff going on. And he's like, I feel honored. Thank you. You know, I love your art. Now he got to learn a little bit about me. And he's like, and I would love to be on your show, but I just, I don't know, I don't want to be on camera anymore. And he's like, you could send the episodes and I'll give you some, like, if you're open to it. I was like, of course. You know, and. And it was just. It just like, I couldn't. I couldn't believe that I was talking to him and he, like, was talking back to me as an equal. And then, I mean, but I got it right away. He's. He's not going to do it, you know, and then at the end, right before I hung up, he goes, you paint butts really good. Oh, man, he got it. He got it. And I, you know, he's like, I'm old. I don't want to talk on the microphone. So I don't know if that answered your question about the South Bay. I know that was a long answer for the one question you asked me. But I don't know, like, when people, like, I feel like you're an open person. So if you ask me something, I'm like, and you're ready to go into my head space and. And we can go there together. Then I feel like, cared for, listened to. And like, I'm like, because, you know, you listen and they're not present. They're looking at their phone. They're like, okay, this show is two hours. And I'm like, I got lost. You know, and that's also how I write very long run on sentences, no punctuation. So there's no. Like, creativity is such a hard thing to have a conversation about because it's not like my. My path is not someone else's path. And, and today it's just every day I wake up, which, with what I didn't have before, which is gratitude, I just wake up and it's like, I had a horrible day today. Like, it was not good. Like, the fucking, like, flat tire, appointment canceled, move back, crazy family shit happening with my dad. And I was just like, I. I wasn't gonna cancel, but the feeling was like, that's not this, not the right headspace to go. And then I said, you know what? Every. Like, I could sit there and like, self analyze. Oh, you have depression, you have this. And it's like almost some weird ocd. Like, and you're a horrible person. And you, and you, you have antisocial traits. And they go, okay, and then what are you going to do about it? You know? And so I sit back now, and if I examine my life like a scientist, I go, hey, what was, what was. What was all that shit about on your podcast? Why did you say that stuff on your podcast? Why. Why did you, like, do that thing? That's against your value system? Why did you. What was about the fucking, like, all the suicidal ideation, all the times you try to, like, what was that about? You know, and not just, like I said, like, logically, I know if I sound hypocritical, not just trying to like, analyze it, like, but just an examination of my. My own heart, like, doing an X ray of my heart. It's like, what. What were you feeling then? And what, like, what is the shame hitting? And why did you do that? And like, so I sit there and I go, we live in a society. I'll use I statements. I live in the way the culture I was grown was. When someone asks you how you're doing, it's just good, okay? Which aren't emotions. That's all you say. You don't go, oh, let me tell you, like, I'm feeling shame today. And you know, so we live. I live in. I lived. I was raised in a culture of everything's fine, everything's okay, get along to go along. You know, I was a lot of like, Asian. The only Asian family in like a white neighborhood or black neighborhood. So it's like, don't. It's a lot of immigrant story, right? Like, don't rock the boat. Don't do anything. To stand out. We're guests in this country. We're lucky to be here. Don't do basically everything I did, you know, like, you know, keep. Clear up the campground. Leave it nice. And so I sit here and if I'm being introspective, this is all. This stuff is like, this is why I say this would be intimate because this is just private stuff that I don't like. I'm trying to just, you know, know my own heart. So it's like, what, why, what is the insane opening Pokemon packs about? Like, right, you could turn that into a joke. Or like, what is, what is the unmet need? Like, what is your depression telling you right now? What is your anger? If your anger is like unmatched with like, oh, there was like a little flare up at school, some kid said something to your kid and then like you're response is like, like, what's that about? So instead of shaming myself and going, I'm a piece of shit. Oh, I did all this work and I, and I'm still this, it's this. And I think if I can get quiet and right sized in that moment instead of, oh, I need to like make a story in my head to be like. And just, just sit in that ugliness and uncomfortable. Like, if I can do that. I couldn't do that before. I can't. Like, you have to either look at me like I'm nothing or I'm the greatest. I can't just, oh, Dave's kind of boring today or he's kind of not making sense or he feels like I couldn't have to be all or nothing. It was very black and white, very Christian the way I was raised. Ocd, like God's way or Satan's way. And so now I just go, that's, that's Palo Alto. If I could find the Palo Alto in my heart, just like the mundane culturally. Like if I could sit in the boring, mundane space and I dare to be mediocre, dare to be moderate and, and just like, like I'm. Like I said, the feeling is like, oh, what's, what's the sensations? And I could. Then that's where the brilliance is. Then I could find my inner spark. I could find and, and, and, and then in that is when I feel the closest to you and other. Like if I'm with another person who's closed, this is like just like banging my head against the wall. But if I can meet another spirit or soul and you're. It doesn't have to. I don't have to agree with you, but it's like, you're. I don't. Like, I've been talking my ass off. I understand that. Like, we could. We could go all night, right? And if you share with me your heart, then it's a shared brokenness. You don't get to where Andrew Huberman doesn't get to this with a smooth, like, shit went down. I don't know. But it's on your face and it's like a vibrational thing, right? Like, you don't. You don't fucking tattoo your whole body. If everything was cool, right? You don't just become as smart as you are without, like. If you want to destroy me intellectually, you can. Like, I won't. I wouldn't. I would be like, like, right? So if I can sit in and be vulnerable and say, like, hey, I'm not perfect, but I'm not a piece of. I'm enough. Like, I don't need to do anything today. And. And that's. For me, that was like. Like, these cultural moments of watching outcasts be inducted into the hall of fame and Andre3001, I'm not going to rap. But everyone wants you to. That's not where I'm at right now. I'm just going to. I was like, fucking amazing, you know? Or Tarantino saying, paul Dano. This is like the worst part of There Will Be Blood. I was like, wow, that's the best thing that ever happened. You saw, like, everyone come out to say how brilliant he is. I mean, what if Tarantino just said, paul Dano's amazing? Then that would just. So I just. I just find these, like, what is. Without trying to, like, psychoanalyze or overanalyze every moment of my life, just go, this is the space, right? Because I. I've done the brain mapping. And they're like. The way it was explained to me, they dumbed it down. They're like, you're not a psychopath because you do psych, you do psychopathic things, but you actually care about people.

[B]

You're not a psychopath.

[A]

And they say the. The space in your brain, there's like a bridge. Like, here's reality. You know, he's like. It's like, should I jump off this cliff? And, like, most people will executive function, like, okay, maybe I'm gonna get hurt. And, like, that. That bridge is smaller for people like you. They saw, like, a little. They go. So you don't really think. You just do. And then that's how you. You're like, how did I end up in jail? How did I fucking like. And that makes for a great story that makes for a great fucking life. Or like a storybook crazy life that makes for. And that's a story that's just told. Like you need to be a fucking psychotic, insane, crazy person to be the greatest artist, right? If you're just like a, you know, boring person living at home with like air conditioning and WI fi and your warm cup of Earl Grey and you could do good art, you could even do great art. But you won't ever be the best because you're not, you're not facing your shadow, you're not looking at yourself. You're just, that's just technique. That's just craft. That's just skill. Like I'm ripping my fucking heart out and showing to you. And like what do you think? Saying, what do you think? I'm like fucking what do you think? You know?

[B]

No, I feel it. That, I mean, I feel it.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

You know, I mean, I, I, sorry.

[A]

There's like spit all over the table.

[B]

Please don't apologize. Don't apologize. No. Please don't.

[A]

Slobbering right into your microphone.

[B]

No apology.

[A]

Guys.

[B]

Almost got me there. No apology. I feel it. I mean, I, I, I feel it and everybody feels it. And if they don't, they should take a look inside. Like we're. It's gonna sound like I'm name dropping.

[A]

Now, but go ahead, go for it.

[B]

I feel very blessed to have Rick Rubin as my close friend. Right. Not cause he's Rick Rubin who produced all this music that's super cool too, but because he has antennae and he can feel shit.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And he can feel it, but he doesn't get absorbed in it. It's very interesting. I don't have that I feel stuff and it like it just. And I am certain people feel your heart in what you do. The self sacrifice part is hard to hear about. I can relate to.

[A]

Well, I, I, I talked to Rob a little bit because he's like a.

[B]

PR dude before was a pr he's like a producer.

[A]

I mean he's out of it. Yeah, that smile hides a lot of pain right there. Look at that smile. But yeah, I, yeah, it's hard. Like you know, they say these, all these like dumb quote, like no is a complete sentence and it is right. I go no. And then have to make up some fake like oh, but like I got, you know, I, I, my car did get a flat tire, but that was a, that used to be a Thing I would make up. And then people would be like, let me see the metadata. Metadata on your phone and make sure that it's not a screenshot from, like, two years, you know, like, so I would lie and. And make up excuses, but the. The ability to. It goes against how I was raised. It goes against my culture to just say no to my parents, no to jobs, no. To think, like, leaving money on the table, saying so that I could put myself first for the first time and. And nurture my own heart and take care of myself is like. It just sounded like that's. I'd already written my story. I'm like, you know, and then when you have heroes like Bourdain, like, I think a lot of people also killed themselves after Bourdain did that, because they're like, if the most interesting man on the planet, the guy that's a role model, a guy look up to, like, he's not. He can't figure it out, then what's there, and. And then almost validates it. Like, it's. So you can do it too. Like, anyone. Like, so I. It was just. It just. I had it written out, like, everyone I look to look up to, and it's so fucking boring and cliche when I think about it. It makes me so angry. It's like, you know, live fast, die young, and then just have people say nice shit about you. And it's like. Or just be a little bit more boring and have wonderful relationships. Like, I. You. You call me and you go, you're probably busy. I'm like, I'm not that busy, dude. I'm not a busy person. I make a lot of space for myself now. I don't. Like, I. And I deserve it. Like, I owe that to myself.

[B]

I was about to say, you've earned it, but you never needed to earn it, you know? Yeah, I'm glad to hear it. Because.

[A]

Will you commit to taking a year off?

[B]

I could use some time off.

[A]

That sounds like. I'll start the negotiations at a year, and then if I can get you anywhere close to that, because people will be like, oh, shit. You know, like, the American vacation is like a week or two weeks, right? That's nothing. That's, like, barely enough time to.

[B]

Yeah, I have all these war stories. I don't want to make this about me, but I have all these war stories. Like, you know, my girlfriend at the time, she'll validate these as, you know, being, you know, diarrhea and vomiting while writing a grant back when. And, you know, I mean, if I, I've had so many wonderful opportunities, but I've been going pretty hard into the paint since I was 19. Like that means non stop. That means like 50 to 100 hour weeks.

[A]

Since then, like, what's the longest vacation you've ever taken in your life?

[B]

Four days.

[A]

I mean, this isn't me deflecting. It's just like, I just met you and like, I'm, I'm so happy that like, I was like, if I can, if he gives me the space to speak, which you did. And you can feel what I, like what I was trying to say. And like, to me, like, that's all I want is connection, right? Like that's, I want to be seen now. Before I was hiding and wearing masks, but in that I felt you. And I go, I didn't know what you were going to say, but I was like, it's going to be less than a week because you don't get, because I know you don't get to where nobody does. Everyone pays the price. You don't get to where you are right now by taking time off. You just don't. But like you just said to me, I'll say it back to you, you deserve it. And I, I, and to speak to the workaholic part of you, and I say this to people that are like you and me. You will have more ideas, more inspiration, more like you can't think now because you're thinking about, how's Rob going to get paid? How's the. Because you take care of a lot of people, right? But in that time, I could come, I could get rid of all this black. I could make, add some color here. I could get you some white T shirts, you could spend time with your family. Just the shit that you're running from, you know, And I feel like, okay, a year is unrealistic. You're like, I'm running. You know, but it's, it will like people, oh, go do plant medicine. I was like, just taking a year off. And first weeks or months will just be you unlearning the workaholism of just, I gotta do something to have value and to just. And I feel like it will, when you come back, you'll be like, like a thousand. You know, like, and sometimes in our culture we get knocked down not by our choice. And then, But I'm like, this would be by your choice. You know, I, I taking care of Andy today. Love you, Rob. Love you all you guys out there. But you know, you know what? I'll Run your podcast while you're gone.

[B]

That would be.

[A]

I'll do all the science. I'll. You could feed me some big words to use, but.

[B]

And I'll go paint.

[A]

Oh, my God. I'm gonna. Yeah, I'm. I feel more comfortable with you now. It's like. Like, I think I would lie to you. Like, whatever. Whatever you showed me, I would be like, oh, that's cool. But like, I think it's cool that anyone who's an egghead, who spends time up here, I think every thinker needs to spend time playing music or painting because it's just. It's the opposite of that, right? You're using the other side of your brain. But it sounds like the way you're painting is very in your head and I would just rip you out of that and it would be very uncomfortable. But then you could see the kind of like, life, right? You just see. Throw shit at the wall and see what sticks and. And through that, it's about control, right? I had. I had to, you know, and part of being in 12 step in recovery is like. And, you know, and the wisdom to know the difference. You know, the serenity prayer is. I had to, like, you can't control Mother Nature. You can't control a fire. You can't control what other people are going to think about you or say about you. You just can't. You could try to let me write a paper and like, so that. And yeah, you could do that for a little bit, but it's tiring and it's exhausting to try to get all these people to believe what, you know, like. And so I. Yeah, I just. It's. It goes. It's anti. It goes against the word winning and the wind. Surrender, right? Like, I win every day because I surrender constantly now. And part of that I gotta still fight because it's like, you sound like a loser. Why are you giving up, right? It's going to fucking shut the up, pick yourself up by your bootstraps and get back in. Like, that's how you become the best. Like, all the other artists, they're like, dealing with, like, you don't have kids, you don't get married. You fucking paint. You go to the art store, you buy all the paint up, you fucking keep painting. You steal all the paint. It's like, just keep painting. Never stop. And it's all gonna be worth it because one day you're gonna die. And then legacy. But now we see legacy is nothing, right? I get. I get into Uber, get in the Car fucking smells like Teen Spirit, right? One of the greatest anthems ever got in the car. 27 years. What's this?

[B]

Well, I'll tell you.

[A]

You don't know fucking nirvana, okay? Have you seen Goodfellow? Like, whatever, whatever. Who's the Godfather? Like, go down the list.

[B]

The greatest.

[A]

Nobody cares, right?

[B]

The great over the greatest science.

[A]

So it's just this. It's just this. This is all you have. So you've done enough. People fucking love you, you've helped so many people, and I want you to take one year off. And I don't care if people are like, fuck that guy. That guy helps me every day. I want to hear his soothing voice every night. But I'm like, AI, bro, just use AI. No, I'm kidding. I'm just saying I would love whatever you've been running from, whatever you've been doing to like, you help a lot of people. But do you help yourself on that level? And it's like, yeah, starting painting, that's taking care of you. Like, it's not complete all or nothing. But someone like you and other people like you are not going to outsmart the feeling, right? You're not going to outrun the pain. And it's like. Like, I don't know what your father was like. I don't know what your mom was like, but they're proud of you. Like, you don't need to do more. Like, they're proud of you. And. And like, if you go to what I said, the only way to really make them proud is to disappoint them. You just gotta. Andrew, I'm really disappointed in you. Then you know you're doing something right. You know. Sorry for talking over you.

[B]

No, I was interrupted.

[A]

Like, your face says a lot. So I just want to know what you're try to.

[B]

Well, the part about legacy is where I was interrupting, but it's not. I. Let's let it pass. Cause, yes, and yes. The legacy thing, it's nothing. It's nothing like I've done.

[A]

I feel like I've done so much in acting, like I've done all these things and people are like, who's that Chinese kid? I'm like, it doesn't matter.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

They don't say it doesn't matter. Like, you do all this stuff so that you have something to leave behind. And I go, you just have this. You just have, like, right now, today, and that's it. And like, we're going to. We did this today. And then. And then it's off to the universe. I can't control what people are going to think about me. And it's like, I came here today with my intention of meeting you, telling you how you make me feel and how, like, how much I appreciate you. And I did that. So that's it. And, like, I have no ill will. I'm not trying to. Like, yeah, I probably talk shit about a lot of people right now, but it's like, fine, okay, that's. That's my. And I should probably just let all that stuff go. But to tell someone who's used to winning, who's fought like, tooth and nail for everything they had to fight and, like, prove people wrong over and over again, to tell someone like, that, hey, just surrender. It's like, fuck you, dude. You don't. Like, you don't tell me that. Like, so, yeah, that journey from head to heart is. It's a big one. And that's why the, like, you can't say that to everyone, right? Because they're like, I gotta. But I'm like, I. I don't know your financial situation, but I'm like, I think you could take a year off. Like, it's not for. But. But that's the other thing, right? Like, it must be nice, Dave, from your perspective. And I go, I was homeless. Like, I've lived the worst. Like. Like, people for. Like, I know I sound defensive, but, like, I've. I wasn't born rich. Like, I worked for this, so it's like, must sound nice from a rich guy's perspective. And I go, if. If I think back to my happiest moments or even just my most creative moments, it was always less. It was never more, right? So when I lived in a tiny house that means less doors to open, less walls to. We're living together in a. You know, and it's cold, but at least we got body, you know, I'm making it sound like, you know, like, we're. We were okay, but I'm like, we didn't have that much. And it was. It was great because we had each other. And. And I think back and I go, okay, creative output. Let's go to work. You know, let's go back into my head. I go, oh. Every time I had, like a Renaissance level creative explosion, there was no WI fi and there was no heater. It was always freezing. There was cold. Like, you're talking about deprivation. Yeah. Like, and then now, like, it's just. It would be with my attention span, it would be impossible for me to get anything done if I Didn't go out of my way to block all my electronic devices. I couldn't do it.

[B]

My social media is on a separate phone. It goes into a lockbox that can't be coded out. You don't need to get work done.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I mean, what I hear. Well, first of all, I want to.

[A]

Be clear that I don't need an answer from you. I'm just throwing the. The challenge of the gauntlet down. I would love for you to take one year off as someone who I just met, who I care about, and I, like, we're humans, right? Can't just run forever. Like, there needs to be a recharge, a refresh. Like, there's just things that you get offered. I guess you're like, I'm never going to do that.

[B]

I'm not saying, why don't you.

[A]

Why don't you go to this retreat and just work on this part of your heart or this part of your journey for a month? You're like, I'm not gonna fucking do that. And it's like, but why not? You deserve it. And it's gonna be hard. It's not like a fun vacation. And, like, for me, the way I think about it is part of. Part of, like, what? Because I take podcasting. So, like, I'm. It does. I. I try to manicure how I look and sound, and I do a lot of research people, and I try to make it look like I didn't. Right. Like, before I go on Joe Rogan or Howard Stern, I, like, I call up people and I fucking do. Like, I talk for 12. I go, is this work? Is like. And then I come on and I try, and that's fake. And it's been years since I did a podcast. I was like, I. I'm getting, like, a very genuine feeling from you, and so I don't want to do that today. And I was fucking. That's why I was puking. I was scared. I was like, I'm just going to come in and I might see something that, like, me up, because it has so many times, but I'm just gonna be the truest version of. I guess I could. That was scary to me. That was like, really being naked. Like, I. I like to be prepared. And I. Like, last night, it was late. I couldn't sleep, and I was like, oh, I can't believe. Because it's like, I live a quiet. Like, I don't. And I was like, oh, man. Like, it was like, let me. Like, like, not like, you're the enemy I was like, oh, I'm going into enemy territory. What if he has, like, a gotcha question? Like, I have to have a. You know, like, it was. It was like I was at Vice again. You know, Vice was so much riffing and witty comebacks. And I was like, this is exhausting. And I was like, but can you just go and just. You know, And I realize it took me like two hours to answer, like, one question, but that's. I also accept that about myself, you know? But, yeah, I started, like, I started. I. Andrew, Hugh. And then it was like, you're. It finishes your name and all. And I was like, I'm not going to do this. I don't want to do this. I don't want to just read about you all night. And then, like, have come in, like, prepared.

[B]

Great, great.

[A]

I was like, I'm so glad.

[B]

I'm so glad.

[A]

Abandoned that I did, I did. I said, just, dude, yeah, man.

[B]

I'm so grateful you showed up here in that frame. That. No. Frame. Frame.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I know as soon as I start talking, if I say anything kind about you, you're gonna get that thing. But I'm just gonna tell you. I'll tell you a couple pair. I'll say there are a couple reasons you're here. Some of them I touched on earlier. You're amazing artist. You're amazing person. But the main reason you're here is because a long time ago, I saw you at a meeting and I learned from you there. And I was like, you know, I would like to be his friend.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[B]

And I know I can learn a lot from him.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

So without getting into any details about that.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, you can. I don't care.

[B]

Well, maybe another time.

[A]

I told you, you know, you've helped me.

[B]

You've helped me a ton. I also, like, I have this model in my head. Maybe this is the scientist in me where. But I feel like you've made yourself like the anvil, the hammer and the metal. And it's like this cycle of the opportunity to do something, to feel something. And then I guess my friend Ryan Suave was right. He said people get addicted to shame, but to me, it's the whole cycle. Right. But the thing that I really want you to take in is that people learn from what comes out of your mouth. They don't. Like, yes, the stories are interesting, infinitely interesting, and entertaining also. And yes, you have a gift for storytelling, just like you have a gift for art. But it's. People learn. And we touched on Bourdain, who I didn't know, but I know you and Joe were both close to him. I know a couple other people are close to him. And, you know, I'm not here on a public service campaign. That's not how I do this podcast. I'm only here with you right now. But, you know, there are a lot of people offing themselves. Close friend do that. Recently, a very famous scientist that appeared to have everything. This kind of thing, and it's happening more and more. And I think that when people hear you. When I hear you, I know what people hear. They feel you, and they hear the extent to which. Yeah, there a lot of hard stuff and great stuff happened, but you're still here and you're still going. And that example is really, really important.

[A]

Well, I don't want to. I don't want to be a survive. You know, it's like, I'm a survivor because I survived all this stuff, but so did everybody. And I'm not trying to like.

[B]

And you're.

[A]

But you're still going, but I don't want to survive. I want to thrive.

[B]

Right? You're a thriver.

[A]

That's why I think of like, Korean Jesus or Pee Wee Herman, and I go. It was like, I try to keep things light and entertaining. It was a lot. It was really painful, right? If. If. If you get it, it wasn't easy, and it wasn't easy for everyone. But so then you go, well, will you work on yourself? Will you do this work? Will you go to a meeting? And it's like, are we having fun yet? Right? It's like, it's a lot of pain and work to just be, you know, and the question is, like, I want to put. Is like, are we having fun yet? Like, isn't. Are we supposed to have fun? Like, you know, my son wakes up every morning laughing. I go, what the is happening up there?

[B]

What is.

[A]

Like, I. I can't remember the last time I woke up smiling. It's like. And I'm like, oh, if we can remember. Like, I. Like, it was dumb doing the secret word, but I. I loved it. Like, you guys scared the. Like, I, you know, and it's people, you know, trigger warning. They do. Like, there's a lot of people killing themselves. Like, on an epidemic. Men. Like, I don't know that many women, but a lot of men. And so a powerful tool because. Because I've done so much reckless. I am. It's. I'm a miracle that I'm here right now. And I'm not saying that to be like, oh, I just, no, I think I could have been dead a lot of times.

[B]

No, I think God's been looking out for you.

[A]

So I say to myself, without aggrandizing myself or being on like some guru messiah type, it's like, so I, I made it through that I am having fun despite how much I cry and stuff. But even that, like I, I wouldn't, I would be called a and all that if I did that. And I go, I just allowing myself to feel everything. And, and, and so I, I, I learned this tool called just play the tape out, right? So you go, if you're an idiot, you're an idiot. But if you're have any level of intelligence, you go, well, how do you think this ends for you? How do you think this drug problem ends for you? How do you think cheating on your wife ends for you? How do you think non stop, like it doesn't end well, right? That's one of my favorite things to tell my friend. That's okay. Right now it's maggo. But addiction and it just escalates. It doesn't stay, you don't just kind of get like. And then someone like me, it escalates very quickly. So it's dangerous. And an addiction loves novelty, right? So if someone's sucking dick for crack in an alley right now, that little boy, he wasn't a little boy. When they go, I hope I do that one day. That happened started with weed, then it went to coke and it just escalated, right? He wasn't like, I want to do degrading acts that I don't want to do for drugs, but it escalated. And that's on the addict side. But I just found myself having a lot of, I swear, like weird broken promise, I swear I'll never do that. But then I'm like, here I am in this weird place doing weird shit that it's going against my value system. Here I am, oh, I'm chasing the shame again. So I know this is kind of hypocritical because I'm applying logic again, but if you just talk to someone and you use this tool of hey, you're not an idiot. Play the tape out. Your behavior, that's like chasing a bottom or destructive or not that destructive yet, but it's on the path and you're like, yeah, I'll be alright. It's like, just play it out. Like, how do you think this ends for you, right? I go, I need to go back to podcasting, right? And then I Go on these podcasts. And I go, are we having fun yet? Is it like you seem like you got the weight of the world on your shoulders. You seem to miserable. You seem like you can find like I'm not just like in general, I don't find podcasters like happy people. It's just, it's like a, it's just like I go, so when are like when like you know, and oh look, cut, let's go. And it's like, oh, sponsors, I gotta, the numbers are going down this. And I'm like, can we have fun? Like is it only about making money? And just it's enough like if. And it's, it's, it's because we live in a society, especially if you live in a city where the messaging from billboards to social, everything is telling you from the second you wake up, it's not hundreds, it's thousands of messages telling you you're not enough. Right? And so I do the brain mapping. I do it and it's like, wow, Dave, you're really hard on yourself. You say so much. It's, it's, it's, it's like if someone said that to my friend, I would, I would do something. So it's like a lot of punishing like self talk. And then it feels gay to say I'm enough. You know, it's like that's that again. Why, why do you have to say it like that? It's like, oh, I'm worthy, I am a good person, I am a good father, I am a good friend, I am a good brother. You know, it's like this sounds like just self help, but I was able to brainwash myself into believing I was the best artist in the world till so why can't I brainwash myself into thinking I'm a good person? So then I go, when I meet people, I want to say nice stuff, like real stuff, not like that's how I feel. That's weird. I don't want to just tell someone his shirt fits good on him, but it does. I mean even for black it does. So the tools is like, you know, riding with deodorant, like a thick white, chunky deodorant. Just so I see it. So it's in my psyche because it's every day, it's billboards of good looking people and I don't look like that. And so the messaging is all fucked up. And unless I'm just gonna say fuck all Internet and just move to the African wilderness, which I might do. Yeah, just write on the wall. I am worthy. I'm enough. And I see it every morning when I wash my face. And it's just like, I'm starting to brainwash myself. It's like, that's. One tool is, like, telling people I love and I care about how I feel about them. Not till they're dead, not till it's like they're in their bottom. And I'm like, hey, it's like I tell them every day because that's. That's. That's all we have. And then I say that about myself, and then I can catch myself. Like, that bridge that was like, basically like a suicide bridge. It's like reckless behavior. Reckless, irresponsible behavior, immature behavior. But all of this shit is hard because I'm coming at it with generations of a story that says, you need to stay sick. Like, when you hear Kanye say, bipolar is my superpower, like, there's a part of me that's like, of course. And I like my artist fucked up, the more fucked up you are. That's true genius. That's. You know, And I go. You know, I have friends close to me that go, as someone who's as creative as you, as. So you're so, like, boring and small thinking when you just buy into those things. It's like, is there anyone who lives a moderate life, just a regular everything, doesn't have to be jumping on a train? And, like, that is doing great art. And I go, show me an example. And I go, but couldn't you be the first? Well, there's ego and narcissism, and it's just like, just. And then, okay, fine, let's just go. Let's go with. Let's play that tape out. Let's just say for you to make the choice to be a normal person, you're never gonna have the best podcast or the best art. You're just going to be kind of like, right there. 70%. What's wrong with that? You know? But that's not. That's going against everything, right? So I have to. It's hard, you know, and it. And especially something with art where it's in. There's just people that are like, you're literally doing the worst art I've ever seen in my life. You know, I wish, you know, it's like, oh, their first album was good type, you know? And there's part of me that's like, yeah, this earlier stuff had more angst and way more detail and more labored over, and the stuff now is way more looser. And, but I love it now. Like I like, I like myself how I feel. And it's, it's very rare that you have. It's, you know, the whole lonely at the top that you have these champions, people that are like the best at what they do. The top 1% of the world, champion of this, this that you meet them and they're just like a content, satisfied happy birthday. They're just miserable. And you're like, what was the point? Why? And, and it's either you, you have the courage through yourself and friends to, to make that change. Like I'll, I'll. If you take a year off. Like we're gonna hang out a lot. Like we're gonna paint.

[B]

That's awesome incentive.

[A]

Like we're gonna do all that. But it's like, like it's always like you got to do it alone. That was my message. Like, like shut the up. Don't complain. Like very Asian, very Korean. Like, don't say anything. Like someone treats you like, just keep your head down and just. It's all. Revenge is a dish best serve cold. You know, just shut. Don't ever let them know. See what you coming. See how you feel and just your, your, your revenge is success. Like just like that guy treated you shit at work. Then just become the guy that owns that business and then fire him. You know, like, oh, I'm so fucking glad that guy Chip got fired. That felt so good.

[B]

Chip sounds like an asshole.

[A]

He was such an asshole. But so you just. I have in those things all these tools are like, okay, cool. They're all simple. Okay. Wake up every day and say, I'm a good person. Yeah. It's simple. But it's hard. It's not easy. You have to like work at it and feel it. Yeah. Like, oh, get up every day and do 100 push ups. I could do that. But I don't. But you could. It's like, but you care about your physical health, but why wouldn't you do that for your mental health, your spiritual health, you know. Oh, I'm not religious. It's like spirituality is, it's the ocean, it's the universe. It's a power greater than you. Right. So. So I, yeah, that, that playing the tape out is a very valuable, powerful. Like I, I need to take action in this way. And, and sometimes the action is to do less and it's to do nothing. Where everything growing up was do more. And I was going to say, am I making any sense? But through your face I could see that I I feel like I feel heard and I feel understood in this moment, which is very special to me. So thank you.

[B]

Thank you. You are absolutely heard and you're absolutely understood and I'm very grateful to you. And I know everyone listening is too. The permission to tell oneself and feel that they are enough is. That's oddly the hardest thing. But the encouragement is heard. It lands.

[A]

I think also because I talk so much about shame and I'll end it with this, it feels like is hope. And faith is also a very powerful drug. And sometimes, like I said with my mom or me believing in Santa, there's no logic in that. But, you know, entire wars and nations are fought over faith. And you know, and I feel like because I'm sensitive and I'm empathetic to everybody that I meet that it feels like a really hopeless time. And I feel like that's why there's a lot of self harm and depression. And so it's like weird. It's like, how would you be hopeful in a city like LA where there's like 70,000 homeless people, like natural disasters, drug epidemics, you know, just all this shit. And it's like then to. To, you know, to brainwash yourself. Like if. Because it's that. That's what the connection is. Like if I don't believe it, to find. To go out there and meet someone in real life and say, hey, I'm having it was like the hardest thing to do. It's like, I need help right now. I can't. It's like weird to admit to someone that I can't do. Like, I can't even come up with one nice thing to say about myself. Can you say something nice about me? That sounds very egotistic, but I need that right now. I really don't like myself right now. And to have someone say something nice and you go, okay, maybe tomorrow I'll be able to say something nice about myself. And then you're building something called hope and faith. And so I don't know, I told a long Pee Wee Herman story, but at the end of that I was like, what was that? It's like, okay, that's resilience. That's taking chance. That's believing in yourself. But I never gave up hope. You know, it's like, it's just. And that's delusional in a way. But that's like how, like if you take facts and numbers and it's like, this is the end of the world. This is like, AI's gonna kill, like all this Fucking doomsday post apocalyptic is like, I don't need that shit, dude. I don't watch horror movies. I don't surround myself with like, that's fine. Like, that's everyone do your own thing. And like I said, you know, we were both like, we like punk, but we don't like hardcore. Like, I used to love hardcore because it's, I needed that. I needed to hear that message vibrationally and spiritually and sonically to go like, oh, that guy's singing at a frequency that's resonating with me. It doesn't now. And I fucking hated reggae my whole life because those people were happy. And now I listen to reggae, you know, I go reggae on the river, whatever, you know, like, and I'm just like, you know, And I immediately judge. What the. I can't believe you're fucking listening to reggae. This is like stoner music. But it's, the frequency is hitting me now, so I can be appreciative of hardcore music. But yeah, I, I, if I look back and I go, what, what, what was that? What the was that? It was just screaming for help. Lost and hopeless. And I just go, hope is a hard thing to have in a time like this, but not if you ask for help, not if you reach out, not if you connect with other people. And that is gonna be impossible to do if you don't. You need to. Now I sound like I'm a fucking know it all, but it's like you need to deprive yourself of electronics. Like, it has to happen. Like, you can't have real emotion if you're watching TV or your phone. Like, it's the only way. Like any time. It's like a secret language. Anytime I'm out and someone has a clamshell phone or a flip phone, a dumb phone, whatever, a brick phone, they have, whatever you call it. I give a wink, I go, yeah. Because I know. I'm like, this guy, he's, he cares about himself. Because you can't. I gotta focus. Like, no, you don't. You don't need to know who's being murdered on every country. And what are you gonna do about it? Nothing. So I believe, I have faith that we're all here for a reason. And to anyone listening and I don't know when this is coming out, and I didn't know, I honestly didn't know I was going to publicly come out about my belief in Santa Claus. But it is the season. Is this going to come out soon or after Christmas? Okay, just try it. On just, just, like, I know it's stupid, but just believe in Santa. Like, although I know kids already do, but any grown ups, bitter, jaded adults listening, just, just try it on this, this year. Just. And if you need, you know, he can teleport. He's a mutant, he has special abilities and he knows if you've been naughty or nice. So. Yeah, I don't. I don't know. We could. I could. Like, this is the problem because where we're at now is when I would start. Like, this was like the pre. Like when I used to do my podcast dvd. I say we. This be like, oh, it wasn't a podcast because it wasn't a conversation. It was you talking the whole time. And we're three hours in and be like, okay, now let's, now let's start. Let's get ugly and real and be like, nobody likes to talk for nine hours, dude. I'm like, I do. So I'm gonna. I feel like you'd be down if we wanted to go six more hours easy and we could maybe do that one day.

[B]

We should.

[A]

But I feel like, I don't know. Am I, Am I. You know what? I'm surrendering. I feel like unless you have more shit to ask me, then I'm down.

[B]

Oh, man. In the language of meetings and other things, I think for now, yeah, we're complete.

[A]

Thank you so much, man.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

Thank you. That was so. I mean, I. I feel good.

[B]

I feel good too. Very grateful. Thank you.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

Thank you for joining me for today's discussion with David Cho. To learn more about him and his work, please see the links in the show. Note captions if you're learning from and or enjoying this podcast, please subscribe to our YouTube channel. That's a terrific zero cost way to support us. In addition, please follow the podcast by clicking the follow button on both Spotify and Apple. And on both Spotify and Apple. You can leave us up to a five star review and you can now leave us comments at both Spotify and Apple. Please also check out the sponsors mentioned at the beginning and throughout today's episode. That's the best way to support this podcast. If you have questions for me or comments about the podcast or guests or topics that you'd like me to consider for the Huberman Lab podcast, please put those in the comments section on YouTube. I do read all the comments. For those of you that haven't heard, I have a new book coming out. It's my very first book. It's entitled An Operating Manual for the Human Body this is a book that I've been working on for more than five years and that's based on more than 30 years of research and experience and it covers protocols for everything from sleep to exercise to stress control, protocols related to focus and motivation and of course I provide the scientific substantiation for the protocols and that are included. The book is now available by pre [e-mail] there you can find links to various vendors. You can pick the one that you like best. Again, the book is called Protocols An Operating Manual for the Human Body and if you're not already following me on social media, I am Huberman Lab on all social media platforms. So that's Instagram, X threads, Facebook and LinkedIn. And on all those platforms I discuss science and science related tools, some of which overlaps with the content of the Huberman Lab podcast, but much of which is distinct from the information on the Huberman Lab podcast. Again, it's Huberman Lab on all social media platforms and if you haven't already subscribed to our Neural Network newsletter. The Neural Network Newsletter is a zero cost monthly newsletter that includes podcast summaries as well as what we call protocols in the form of one to three page PDFs that cover everything from how to optimize your sleep, how to optimize dopamine, deliberate cold exposure exposure. We have a foundational fitness protocol that covers cardiovascular training and resistance training. All of that is available completely zero cost. You Simply go to hubermanlab.com, go to the menu tab in the top right corner, scroll down to newsletter and enter your email. And I should emphasize that we do not share your email with anybody. Thank you once again for joining me for today's discussion with David Cho. And last but certainly not least, thank you for your interest in science.