Colin Quinn and Mike Sweeney

Summary

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Humor Me with Robert Smigel and Friends

Episode: "Colin Quinn and Mike Sweeney"

Release Date: June 12, 2026

Host: Robert Smigel

Guests: Colin Quinn, Mike Sweeney

Special Guest (Alias): Sean

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Episode Overview

This episode of Humor Me centers on a unique, challenging comedic request: helping a listener ("Sean") craft a funny eulogy for his deeply disliked and still-living father-in-law. The episode features a lively, irreverent roundtable with comedy veterans Robert Smigel, Colin Quinn, and Mike Sweeney as they brainstorm, roast, and punch up ideas for making the eulogy both hilarious and appropriately biting. The show is equal parts writing workshop, roast, and meditation on the boundaries of funeral humor, all delivered in the panel's signature sarcastic, self-deprecating banter.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Introducing the Challenge: The "Awful" Father-in-Law Eulogy

[02:42]

• Sean calls in: His father-in-law, Kevin, is dying and has requested Sean speak at the funeral.
• The twist: Kevin is “a huge prick”—narcissistic, hard on his children, possibly abusive, disliked by the family, with a checkered past including denying his gay brother and displaying troubling behavior.
• Sean is apprehensive, as he can’t think of anything genuinely nice to say.

“Your father in law is essentially a prick, you’re telling us.”
— Robert Smigel [02:56]

2. The “Roast Eulogy” Brainstorm

[13:40] – [22:30]

• The panel explores the ethics and comic possibilities of roasting the deceased at a funeral.
• Discussion on family dynamics: Kevin’s wife laughs hardest at jokes made at his expense.
• Sean reveals more about Kevin: a history of being difficult, possible closeted sexuality, estrangement and later reconciliation with his gay brother, awkward personal stories, and a love for coins.
• The team riffs on gags about Kevin’s inept job history—tour guide, flower delivery (fired for locking keys in the van), driving seniors (fired for crashing the bus)—and lists his many grievances posted to Facebook.
• Multiple running jokes emerge: Kevin’s interest in coins as a leprechaun/Jewish stereotype, his inappropriate parenting, his infamously bad gift-giving, and hitting the family dog.

“He treats Facebook like Yelp…if he needs to complain about something, he will post on his Facebook…he’s a d-influencer.”
— Sean [24:56]

3. Comedic Structure & Eulogy “Punch Up”

[32:00] – [38:00]

• The comics suggest different frameworks for the roast eulogy, including:
  • Reading fake “comment cards” or Yelp reviews from Kevin’s various jobs.
  • Listing Kevin’s Facebook “d-influencer” posts.
  • Imagining Kevin complaining from heaven (“I wanted a cumulonimbus cloud!”)
  • Advertising his estate sale mid-funeral, with objects that are clever references to his quirks.
  • Roasting him with Beatles puns (since he loved the band), spun toward his failures.
  • Speculating about his sexuality and coin obsession in mock-sentimental or double-edged ways.

"Through a clerical error, he's in heaven right now...he’s complaining about, like, 'I wanted a cumulonimbus cloud and there's a cirrus cloud.'"
— Colin Quinn [34:04]

4. Debating Sentiment vs. Scorched-Earth Jokes

[38:45] – [41:00]

• Colin and Sweeney insist the eulogy needs a touch of genuine sentiment at the end to soften the blow and win over skeptics.
• Running gag: Has Kevin died yet? (“Is there any chance he could die soon?” — Mike Sweeney [39:35])
• Brainstorming ways to “end on heart,” but with a wink (e.g., “He helped create my wonderful wife… and based on how gay he probably was, that took determination and sacrifice.” — Sean [78:13]).

5. The Test Run & Feedback

[62:47] – [80:00]

• In a follow-up segment months later, Sean returns—his father-in-law is still alive.
• He test-drives the eulogy at a friend’s gathering. The group analyzes the “performance tape” line by line:
  • Best jokes: The roast about cremation by “flambé,” coins/closet jokes, and the “Yelp reviews” device.
  • Missed/flat moments: Subtle coin jokes that fell flat; some audience confusion with deep references.
  • Recommendations: Re-ordering coin and dog jokes, making Beatles song jokes more obvious.

“Kevin warmly embraced his relationship with his gay brother—only after two decades of shunning him.”
— Sean’s draft eulogy [70:11]

• The comics heap praise on Sean’s delivery but note some jokes will be too much for a real funeral crowd.

6. Broader Reflections on Comedy, Directing, and Roasting

[04:30] – [12:00] & [80:00] – [83:00]

• Tangent discussions about directing stand-up specials (and how little a director can do with a standup), comedy club war stories, and the difference between a roast and a eulogy.
• Colin and Sweeney praise each other’s roast skills; Smigel tells stories about Norm Macdonald, David Brenner, and Don Rickles.
• Speculate on “America’s Funniest Eulogy” as a potential spinoff.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On comedy writing vs. directing
  "A lot of comedy directors say that. They say, get out of the way. Shoot wide shots. And just don't move the camera. It probably is an excuse just to make the job easier."
  — Robert Smigel [05:48]

• On the challenge of eulogizing a terrible person
  "I have a father in law who is dying and has asked me to speak at his funeral. … But yeah, he's a pretty awful person in general. Doesn't think of himself that way. Kind of classic narcissist."
  — Sean [11:28]

• On flipping Kevin’s coin obsession
  "He delivered flowers. That job didn’t last very long because he kept locking the keys in his van...after maybe like the third time this happened...he overheard them on their radio channel: 'Oh, shit for brains locked himself out of the car again.' Upon hearing that, he quit in dramatic fashion."
  — Sean [21:53]

• On the proposed device
  "I got ahold of the comment cards from people who took his tour...and then you could read the cards and write stuff kind of shitting on him."
  — Colin Quinn [32:21]

• Sean’s practiced eulogy highlights:
  "He was a generous man, loved giving his kids presents at Christmas. And they never found the gifts since. Just like Kevin, they were deep, deep in the closet."
  — Sean [70:00]

  "Kevin was the first person to drive a bus for the blind and hear someone say, you know what? We'll take this from here."
  — Sean [70:36]

  “He was a tour guide at the Mint, where he showed thousands his ability to point at coins.”
  — Sean [70:52]

  “He has three other sons, all in the Yankee farm system. And I'm sorry that my wife's stepbrother, big Poppy, could not be here to join us today.”
  — Sean [78:10]

• On Shifting Sentiment:
  "One thing I know he did right is he helped create my wonderful wife. And based on how gay he probably was, that took determination and sacrifice."
  — Sean [78:13]

• Colin on the power of a dark roast:
  “I love the idea of doing jokes this dark at a eulogy.”
  — Robert Smigel [81:27]

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Important Segment Timestamps

• [02:42]—Sean’s initial call and dilemma
• [13:40]—Panel explores “roast eulogy” structure
• [24:56]—Revelation: Kevin’s Facebook as “Yelp”
• [34:04]—Heavenly complaint gag
• [62:47]—Sean’s return for the eulogy test-run
• [68:58]—Sean reads the eulogy to friends
• [78:13]—Key sentimental/roast punchline mixes
• [84:48]—Debate: Could Sean actually do this at the real funeral?
• [80:47]—Discussion of Don Rickles and classic roast moves

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Tone & Style

• Fast-paced, irreverent, and unsentimental, with an undercurrent of affection for “roast” culture and a comic fascination for the macabre.
• Smigel, Quinn, and Sweeney riff naturally, interrupt and tag each other’s lines, tolerate—and encourage—tangents and side-roasts.
• Sean, the guest, dry and self-aware; the comedians alternately treat him as straight man, victim, and honorary misfit.
• The panel is unafraid to “go dark” but always circles back to comedic craft ("if you end with something genuine, they'll forgive almost anything").

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Summary Takeaway

This episode blends comic camaraderie with a real-life writing challenge, showing how the tools of the roast can be cautiously adapted—even for the touchiest situations. Listeners are treated to a master class in balancing insult humor, genuine acknowledgment, and audience mind-reading, all while pushing the boundaries of what’s acceptable at life’s most serious moments. The show ends with the open question—will Sean ever actually deliver this eulogy at the real funeral—and an open invitation for listeners to submit their own challenges in need of a comic “punch up.”

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“If you can make them laugh when they expect to cry, you’ve done your job as a comic—but maybe not as a son-in-law.”
— Paraphrased spirit of the episode

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End of Summary

Transcript

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[Robert Smigel]

What's up, y'?

[Colin Quinn]

All?

[Robert Smigel]

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[Colin Quinn]

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[Robert Smigel]

own the dream this week on Humor Me.

[Sean (alias for guest)]

I have a father in law who is dying and has asked me to speak at his funeral. That he's a pretty awful person.

[Robert Smigel]

Your father in law is. Is essentially a prick. You're telling us.

[Sean (alias for guest)]

Yeah, huge prick.

[Mike Sweeney]

I read the research. He sounds like everybody attacks him all the time. The poor guy, he sounds like a saint. Maybe you're the.

[Robert Smigel]

He went to the Dominican Republic before he got married and he talked to his daughter about this, correct?

[Sean (alias for guest)]

Yeah, he's got a drinking problem. Much, much surprised, I'm sure. But yeah, he got a little too toasted and wanted to talk to his daughter about what a Casanova he used to be and something.

[Mike Sweeney]

You have to say something nice. Sean.

[Colin Quinn]

Yeah.

[Mike Sweeney]

He's got three half sons in the Yankee farm team.

[Colin Quinn]

Sorry my stepbrother Big Papi couldn't be here today.

[Sean (alias for guest)]

Kevin wat to be cremated. But due to the amount of rum in his system at his time of death, he was actually flambe.

[Mike Sweeney]

He's killing.

[Robert Smigel]

Human.

[Bethenny Frankel]

Me.

[Mike Sweeney]

My wit is lacking to the nth degree.

[Robert Smigel]

Humor Me, I'll have the Asian salad with iced tea. Okay. Hello, everybody. Welcome to Colin Unleashed. I'm your host, Byron Allen. Along with Colin, we have legendary Conan staple, head writer and now director, Mike Sweeney. Mike, if you don't mind, can I call you Mr. Fancy Director over here?

[Colin Quinn]

Sure. Remainder of the show, whatever lie you want to use is fine.

[Robert Smigel]

Mr. Big Shot.

[Colin Quinn]

Sure.

[Robert Smigel]

Fancy director over here.

[Colin Quinn]

It's. It was a. I think it's a legal requirement.

[Robert Smigel]

Good. I'm going to get to talking about directing and the craft of it.

[Colin Quinn]

Not with me.

[Robert Smigel]

Yeah, no, with me and you. Because we're both technically direct. Mike directs. In all seriousness, Conan o' Brien Must go. The hilarious show on HBO Max, formerly known as Max, Formerly known as HBO Max.

[Mike Sweeney]

That's not directing. If you do a documentary, it doesn't count the same.

[Robert Smigel]

It doesn't. You're absolutely right. That's sort of where. What I'm getting at. And if you, if you direct a comedy remote, it counts even less because basically all you're doing is just getting out of the way, you know? And that's what I would do with triumph. Although I have to say, what Mike does on that show, it's. It looks a lot better than it does. Yeah, Yeah. I mean, mine, I set the bar so low so that it would be like it. They're so shitty looking. They're so. And I just figured That'll be the charm.

[Mike Sweeney]

But I think if you ever.

[Sean (alias for guest)]

Yeah.

[Mike Sweeney]

If you ever decide to be like, do a serious directing podcast. You tell them, say, I look at directing, like, just get out of the way. Nobody can really argue with that.

[Robert Smigel]

Yeah, exactly. A lot of comedy directors say that. They say, get out of the way. Shoot wide shots.

[Colin Quinn]

Right.

[Robert Smigel]

And just don't move the camera. It probably is an excuse just to make the job easier.

[Colin Quinn]

It's like, I don't know what I'm doing.

[Robert Smigel]

No, actually, once I. I put a poll out because I didn't know what else to do on Twitter. And it was like, what is the easiest job to fake? And it was. The choices were conducting an orchestra.

[Colin Quinn]

Bradley Cooper.

[Robert Smigel]

Oh, moderating. First take with Stephen A. Smith. Like the woman in the middle who's like, Stephen A. Looks like Daniel Jones is coming along very well. And then just wind him up and he just talks for 20 minutes. And then another one was directing a stand up comedy special. Hilarious. But Jerry, actually, Jerry. Jerry directed some of your specials that probably really did require some directing.

[Mike Sweeney]

Well, yes, I'm a little bit of

[Robert Smigel]

a. Yeah, because you did thematic shows.

[Mike Sweeney]

I did thematic shows, yeah.

[Robert Smigel]

So tell me how Jerry direct.

[Mike Sweeney]

I would put that one earlier.

[Robert Smigel]

Did he play a big role? Like, because, I mean.

[Mike Sweeney]

Yeah, I mean, he plays a role in like organizational stuff, which I guess is a lot of directing. In saying, why are you saying that? There isn't that.

[Robert Smigel]

Why are you saying that?

[Mike Sweeney]

Well, you're going to do that. I really can't. I can't. I can't do this.

[Robert Smigel]

Has anybody ever imitated Jerry Seinfeld? Because I thought that was pretty groundbreaking.

[Mike Sweeney]

Why?

[Colin Quinn]

One night of Catch, Rising star Richard Belzer and Gilbert, they're on stage just doing Seinfelds to each other for 20 minutes. Crowd loved it.

[Mike Sweeney]

Of course. No, no, no, no. Go, go.

[Colin Quinn]

Oh, no. So Seinfeld walks in, peeks in the room. And so all the comedians are like, oh, what's he gonna do? Let's see. Jerry gonna say when he goes up. So he, he goes up on stage and just goes, is that a career, what those guys were doing? Because I don't get it. And then he went right into his act.

[Robert Smigel]

But. But like, okay, your specials were thematic, but then there's other specials where it says directed by, and it's some high profile comedian. That's what I don't understand. It's like the camera.

[Mike Sweeney]

What is the difference between what they do. Here's my question. And what a director of a play does? You know, I mean.

[Robert Smigel]

Oh no, a play, there's a lot of choreography when people are moving around. I'm saying a one man show in a rhythm.

[Colin Quinn]

But there's probably. There's a rhythm.

[Robert Smigel]

Go ahead.

[Mike Sweeney]

No, I'm just saying that I don't understand in a play, choreography, moving people around. Well, I mean.

[Robert Smigel]

No, there is some place a director

[Mike Sweeney]

of a one person shows the same as anybody. Direct any. Yeah, directing anything as far as that's concerned in theater, in my opinion.

[Colin Quinn]

Pacing. Right.

[Mike Sweeney]

It's.

[Robert Smigel]

I guess I feel like. Because so many stand ups basically work out their acts on their own.

[Colin Quinn]

Yes.

[Mike Sweeney]

Club to club.

[Robert Smigel]

And then suddenly here's the director and it's like, what are you gonna tell?

[Mike Sweeney]

Yeah, of course you have conflicts all the time. But I mean that's just stand up personality. You know what I mean?

[Robert Smigel]

But the stand up is the boss. I mean that's why the stand up is the much is the director really do.

[Mike Sweeney]

Right. But I'm saying the same with the play. How much is a director really doing in a play?

[Robert Smigel]

I'm telling you, it's just a few more people.

[Mike Sweeney]

No, but I'm just saying the play, the. The dialogue is.

[Robert Smigel]

I agree. Writer plays the most important thing. So I'm just saying it's fair.

[Mike Sweeney]

It's to say one person versus a

[Robert Smigel]

play with my director always gets the top billing, but I don't actually know on stage the writer. The writer? Yeah, the director is more important.

[Mike Sweeney]

Well, that's what they always say. The writer is, you know, gets dismissed that stupid. When they had that whatever they call those art. You remember in the 60s because of, you know, Godard and those guys, they made that suddenly the director was the important one, right? Otur.

[Robert Smigel]

Yeah, with all the fancy schmancy.

[Mike Sweeney]

And then the writers get screwed every time. They used to have the old joke. Do you hear about the polish? His oldest joke. A polish and a starlet. And really a me too.

[Colin Quinn]

Silence. Your phone.

[Mike Sweeney]

Did you hear about that?

[Robert Smigel]

Look at the red. Listen, I don't make the rules. Oh, you know what? It's my computer.

[Mike Sweeney]

Oh, I'm not. I'm not gonna. I'm finishing this.

[Robert Smigel]

We're cutting.

[Mike Sweeney]

I'm not finishing this crummy joke. Wait, it was bad enough. All it had going through is momentum and that's gone.

[Robert Smigel]

I can't do this.

[Mike Sweeney]

Sean, you're out of here.

[Colin Quinn]

Sean. Sean's.

[Robert Smigel]

No, no, Sean. Sean can wait. He'll be fine.

[Mike Sweeney]

I don't like making us act that way.

[Robert Smigel]

Why?

[Mike Sweeney]

We do Sean now and then we'll have this conversation.

[Robert Smigel]

No, by then. At once.

[Mike Sweeney]

No, Just trust me, okay? We're in deep trouble. Let's get to Sean. I've done a thousand podcasts. I'm like John Bon Joey. I've seen a million face. I've rocked them all. Yeah, we are. I do podcasts all the time. I know, and I despise them. Remember we talked about how we hate podcasts.

[Robert Smigel]

All right, I get it.

[Mike Sweeney]

Okay.

[Robert Smigel]

You were gonna tell me a story about Norm playing pool.

[Mike Sweeney]

I was gonna tell it after Sean. Sean might give us context. Plus you can always cut around and make it seem like it's later.

[Robert Smigel]

So you're saying that on the air. Maybe if Sean. Maybe if our interview with Sean is dying at any point, I'll just tell the Norm story.

[Mike Sweeney]

Well, yeah, I think that's probably the better way to go.

[Robert Smigel]

Okay.

[Mike Sweeney]

Because I feel like hanging over our head.

[Robert Smigel]

Somebody's interjecting Sean.

[Mike Sweeney]

Colin is directing this podcast. Sean's hanging over head like Damocles.

[Robert Smigel]

You're right. I can put. This is gonna add prestige to the podcast. I'm gonna say humor me. With Robert Smigel and friends, directed by Colin Quinn,

[Mike Sweeney]

written by Sean.

[Robert Smigel]

We will bring on our guest right now who we are gonna help with a task. Okay. Because he's not funny enough, right?

[Colin Quinn]

We'll see.

[Mike Sweeney]

I like that.

[Robert Smigel]

We are going to punch up what he needs. So let's listen to the message that Sean left us.

[Colin Quinn]

Okay?

[Mike Sweeney]

Okay.

[Sean (alias for guest)]

So really like the idea for the podcast. My situation that I think could be ripe for.

[Robert Smigel]

Speed it up, buddy.

[Sean (alias for guest)]

I have a father in law who is dying and has asked me to speak at his funeral. Whenever that happens is. I mean, who knows?

[Robert Smigel]

The.

[Sean (alias for guest)]

The guy has had this ailment for going on four years now. And what's, I guess, hard for me to speak anything really at his funeral would be that he's a pretty awful person in general. Doesn't think of himself that way. Kind of classic narcissist. It's pretty terrible to both of his daughters. They have weird relationships with him, including my wife. But yeah, have no idea. Was just gonna, you know, not speak, even though it's his last wishes, so to speak. But yeah, that's the skinny.

[Robert Smigel]

All right, so about Norm playing pool. I think we're ready for that. No, here we go. We're going to talk to Sean right now.

[Mike Sweeney]

Yeah.

[Robert Smigel]

Welcome, Sean.

[Sean (alias for guest)]

Thanks for having me.

[Robert Smigel]

Thanks for being here. Are we not seeing Sean? Is he in black? Is that the idea?

[Mike Sweeney]

He's not seen because he's a fake name.

[Robert Smigel]

Anonymous Is that why? Is that correct?

[Mike Sweeney]

Yeah.

[Robert Smigel]

Okay, so we're just hearing Sean today. We talked about it earlier.

[Sean (alias for guest)]

Sean, you can turn your camera on

[Robert Smigel]

if you're comfortable, but we won't be using Sean. We. We were gonna. Yeah, Sean, we're gonna pixelate your face or we're gonna put a. Or maybe we can put a filter and make. Put Byron Allen's face.

[Colin Quinn]

And we're still going to slow down his voice, right? Okay, good.

[Robert Smigel]

No, we're not slowing down his voice. Hi, Sean, thanks for coming on. Sean again, it's not his real name because this is a touchy situation. You know, there are people involved in his family. I suggested for an alias, Kevin Spacey, but he went with Sean and that's okay. Different strokes for different folks. So Sean.

[Colin Quinn]

Oh, Sean looks like a great dramatic actor.

[Mike Sweeney]

Yeah, he does.

[Robert Smigel]

He's got real gravitational again. The audience isn't going to get to see this.

[Mike Sweeney]

Yeah, I saw him in Beckett.

[Robert Smigel]

Well, no, he's dressed 1988. Dark clothes will create a word, a shadow on one side of his face. I'm just trying to paint a picture. He has very neatly. How much of it? How much can I describe? Spill the beans. Neatly cropped it.

[Sean (alias for guest)]

You can just say dark, handsome, mysterious, you know, whatever.

[Colin Quinn]

Yes.

[Robert Smigel]

Any of those. There is only three other people like that, so you're safe.

[Sean (alias for guest)]

Sure. Let's triangulate who it is.

[Robert Smigel]

Let's just talk a little bit about the weirdness of assassinating your father in law's character at a funeral. You really feel other relatives would laugh at this and enjoy it?

[Sean (alias for guest)]

Yeah. His wife doesn't laugh harder at anything than him being the butt of the joke. Somebody making fun of him.

[Robert Smigel]

Yeah, but so does my wife. Once I'm dead. I'm not sure. I'm not sure that once I'm dead and at my funeral, she be.

[Mike Sweeney]

Bring it on.

[Robert Smigel]

More of that. Yeah, but.

[Colin Quinn]

But she.

[Robert Smigel]

But your dad. Your father in law is. Is essentially a prick. You're telling us.

[Sean (alias for guest)]

Yeah, huge prick.

[Robert Smigel]

Huge prick.

[Mike Sweeney]

But. But really the research. This is very subjective. I read the research. He sounds like everybody attacks him all the time. The poor guy. You're like, yeah, what a prick. Joked about him all the time. He sounds like a saint. Maybe you're the one.

[Colin Quinn]

Maybe.

[Sean (alias for guest)]

Maybe I am now.

[Robert Smigel]

I am.

[Sean (alias for guest)]

Like, for him, I think it's earned.

[Robert Smigel]

Stephen A. Seems to disagree with you about.

[Sean (alias for guest)]

Am I gonna start screaming?

[Robert Smigel]

Yeah, you get to be mad dog. Russo.

[Mike Sweeney]

You said he beats his dog though, right?

[Robert Smigel]

Oh, my God. You're going right.

[Sean (alias for guest)]

Yeah.

[Robert Smigel]

Darkest Stuff.

[Sean (alias for guest)]

Yeah.

[Mike Sweeney]

That's not the darkest stuff. He beats a dog.

[Robert Smigel]

That was Quinn.

[Mike Sweeney]

He's estranged from his gay brother.

[Robert Smigel]

Yeah, but. Right, okay, so the beating the dog isn't the worst thing.

[Mike Sweeney]

But he estranges gay brother. But. But that was in the late 60s.

[Robert Smigel]

Give him a. Tell us about. He disowned his brother. Is that correct?

[Sean (alias for guest)]

Yeah, he did. His brother was a straight man, or very closeted, as Norm MacDonald would say. Maybe deeply closeted.

[Colin Quinn]

He's setting us up.

[Sean (alias for guest)]

But until probably like the 70s, he was married to a woman who they're still kind of friends with. But he came out and said, yeah, I'm actually gay and I'm gonna move to San Francisco to go be gay.

[Robert Smigel]

And that's like going to Chicago to study improv.

[Sean (alias for guest)]

Going to Sandra, like, you know, don't recommend that either.

[Colin Quinn]

Yeah.

[Robert Smigel]

Upright citizen Gay brigade.

[Sean (alias for guest)]

You get the most. You get the most action, most stage time.

[Mike Sweeney]

So Sean's pretty quick. Yeah, but bad.

[Sean (alias for guest)]

Yeah, He. His brother just. Yeah. Pretty much disowned him then.

[Mike Sweeney]

Okay. You met the brother.

[Sean (alias for guest)]

Wonder if. Oh, yeah, I've met the brother.

[Mike Sweeney]

Do you think it could be. Not a gay thing. Maybe the brother's kind of a dick.

[Sean (alias for guest)]

Well, they're from the same family, so, yeah, he's a dick just inherently. But yeah, the way he said it is like, oh, yeah, my brother disowned me. Like, we eventually, like, you know, our paths came back together, but lots of people disowned me back then. So he kind of brushed it off like it was nothing.

[Mike Sweeney]

Right.

[Colin Quinn]

So being 40 years ago, are they friendly again then presently or.

[Sean (alias for guest)]

Yeah. Oh, they are.

[Colin Quinn]

Okay.

[Robert Smigel]

Now, some people in your family think that your father in law himself is deeply closeted. Is that correct?

[Sean (alias for guest)]

Yeah, he's.

[Robert Smigel]

Or not so deeply.

[Sean (alias for guest)]

You know, he.

[Robert Smigel]

And is this a source?

[Sean (alias for guest)]

He was in the theater.

[Robert Smigel]

Sorry.

[Sean (alias for guest)]

I mean, I mean, probably it's. It's some sort of inner source of it because some days I believe that he. He is closeted, and other days I don't.

[Robert Smigel]

But other people have suggested it to you that he might have a crush on you, Is that correct?

[Sean (alias for guest)]

Yeah, my wife and also her sister believe that he has some sort of crush on me. We were, me and my wife for our baby moon, like 10 years ago, went to France, went to the southern part of France, went to Monaco. And we were just kind of retelling like, you know, what we did. We had pictures. And, you know, in Monaco there's these like, great kind of decadent casinos with these hundred thousand, two hundred thousand Dollars, cars, like, parked out in front of it. And we told him about how we went in it and we gambled and, you know, we tell him about all of this. And his takeaway was, you know, sean, I'd really like you to go to a casino with me and wear tuxedos. I just kind of listened to that and kind of dismissed it. But. But there's a lot of instances like that. And I think.

[Mike Sweeney]

Well, I think that's more like. That's more like just a lonely guy who wishes he had a best friend. And they were two cool guys in tuxedos going to, you know, casinos.

[Sean (alias for guest)]

Little James, you could. You could hang out with the guy if you want.

[Colin Quinn]

I think that's where this is headed. Potential love dog beater. Yeah, it's. It checks all the boxes.

[Mike Sweeney]

You're gonna give a funny eulogy. You know, he's gonna be funny at that eulogy. Yeah, he's got. He's a funny guy.

[Colin Quinn]

You have a good deadpan, very dead pan.

[Mike Sweeney]

Just get up there and say, not the most warmest guy.

[Sean (alias for guest)]

Yeah, it's the, the whole premise of, you know, giving some sort of eulogy. Like, I'm. I'm fucked up in that I have insomnia, like really bad insomnia. So a strategy to, like, go to bed is to, like, talk about how grateful you are for certain people, like, in your life.

[Robert Smigel]

Right.

[Sean (alias for guest)]

And you, you almost like write eulogies, like, doing that. And I've done it for years and, you know, I tried to do it like, with him, to at least find some anecdotes, like, within it, and there's. I really have nothing. So I've been to a funeral before. Like my great grandpa. I was little, but I still remember this. He was a hard ass Italian guy who was definitely connected to the mob in some way or other, but never really explicit about it because that's just not something Italian people do. But after the Catholicism, like, part of the funeral, they asked people to come up and say some nice words about him. And nobody got up. Except for one guy. Old guy stood up in the back and said his brother was meaner. And I thought, that's kind of what this is gonna be like. And if I could turn it into something that is more of a roast, more of like an Irish wake.

[Colin Quinn]

His brother was gayer, right?

[Robert Smigel]

His brother was gay.

[Sean (alias for guest)]

That's a good one. Yeah, but, yeah, like, if I can

[Robert Smigel]

turn into something, it's always funny. If it appears that you're attempting to say something nice.

[Colin Quinn]

Right.

[Robert Smigel]

But ultimately insulting.

[Mike Sweeney]

That's right.

[Colin Quinn]

Yeah.

[Robert Smigel]

You know, because you could get, you

[Colin Quinn]

could get sued by the cadaver if you're not careful. And I. Landmark case.

[Sean (alias for guest)]

He's very litigious.

[Robert Smigel]

So me up on what his line of work. He had a good job and then he let it go. Go ahead.

[Sean (alias for guest)]

Yeah, he's, he started off in, like, securities. He was part of a, a company out here that ended up going belly up and really screwed all of their employees. But he went from that to.

[Robert Smigel]

He was a tour guide, wasn't he?

[Sean (alias for guest)]

Yeah. From there he went to the Mint and was a tour guide for that. He loves coins. It's one of his passions. I don't understand why, but it seemed like the perfect job for him. And for whatever reason, he had a personality disagreement with one of his higher ups and just kind of up and quit.

[Robert Smigel]

He disowned him.

[Sean (alias for guest)]

And I think at that, I, I,

[Colin Quinn]

he was a tour guide. Usually those are bubbly.

[Robert Smigel]

Yeah.

[Colin Quinn]

Was he loving, you know, that kind of job?

[Sean (alias for guest)]

But yeah, yeah, it's. He's so hard to describe in the sense that, like, if you were to meet him just on kind of a surface level, you're like, oh, this is a nice kind of bubbly guy. But then the more you linger around him, you start to see, like, John

[Mike Sweeney]

Wayne Gates kind of.

[Robert Smigel]

What?

[Sean (alias for guest)]

Yeah, just like that. Without the sodomy that we're aware of or the makeup.

[Robert Smigel]

No fun. Was there an. He was a flower delivery person as well. He delivered flowers.

[Sean (alias for guest)]

I think he went from retirement to needing money at some point or other, and he was delivering flowers. And that job didn't last very long because he kept locking the keys in his van and having to call dispatch to get somebody out there to unlock the van. And after maybe like the third time this happened, and he overheard them on their radio channel, it's like, oh, shit for brains. Locked himself out of the car again. And upon hearing that, he quit in dramatic fashion.

[Robert Smigel]

No one calls him Shit for brains.

[Sean (alias for guest)]

Yeah. From there he started driving old people around in, in a bus to different events. And not really a bus, more of not for money.

[Robert Smigel]

That was just a hobby. It's fun.

[Sean (alias for guest)]

Yeah, he, he loved them. They loved him. But he kept crashing the bus into different things. Like a parking garage that has, you know, clear signs of what sounds like a driving is not really paying attention to it. Yes. What not to do.

[Robert Smigel]

Yeah.

[Sean (alias for guest)]

But he had too many accidents, so he lost that.

[Mike Sweeney]

So far, none of these stories are the stories of a bad guy. They're just a klutzy guy.

[Colin Quinn]

I didn't want to say a little lovable Sean has. No, I think we're all relating to so far.

[Mike Sweeney]

Here's what I've heard. He loves Sean. Old people love him.

[Colin Quinn]

Yeah.

[Mike Sweeney]

But he gets in accidents and he was abused and bullied by the car dispatcher. What a prick.

[Robert Smigel]

Thank you, Stephen. A. Your response.

[Colin Quinn]

And he wanted to buy you a tuxedo.

[Sean (alias for guest)]

Yes, I know.

[Mike Sweeney]

Yeah.

[Robert Smigel]

Assuming that tuxedos are gay.

[Colin Quinn]

Right.

[Sean (alias for guest)]

Just look, I don't think tuxedos are gay. I think going to Monaco specifically to go in a casino with.

[Mike Sweeney]

He makes a good law

[Robert Smigel]

distinction. Yes. Tuxedos in Monaco. Monaco is the fire island of Europe. Frank Smiley.

[Mike Sweeney]

Now, you know, you say. You say, look, his kids didn't like him, but I'd rather be his kids than his dog.

[Sean (alias for guest)]

That's not bad.

[Robert Smigel]

Tell us why he hit the dog. Why did he hit the dog?

[Sean (alias for guest)]

There's some. There's some power dynamic. Like, you'd look at these, like, poor, traumatized dogs, and like, we'd be leaving for dinner or something like that, and he'd tell one dog to lay down in this one part of the living room, and then we would leave, and you'd see him, like, sitting there, like, in the. In the driveway, and we're like, what are you doing? And he's like, oh, I'm gonna wait for a couple minutes to go see if the dog is listening to me and obeying.

[Robert Smigel]

Wow.

[Colin Quinn]

Well, it was a bit. It was a bit joking around. Was he an ex mailman or something or.

[Mike Sweeney]

Yeah.

[Robert Smigel]

Yes.

[Colin Quinn]

You also said he complained a lot. Like, I think we need stories like that. Everyone in that church or wherever, you're gonna do this eulogy that. Where they all know about him other than. So put aside how lovable he is

[Sean (alias for guest)]

as far as stories that other people will be able to relate too. He treats Facebook like Yelp in a way. Like, if he needs to complain about something, he will post on his Facebook to his hundred or so friends that, oh, don't use this realtor. She was super terrible in the negotiation of our place. Or don't ever go to this Walgreens. They have no idea what kind of,

[Robert Smigel]

like, photograph printing kit of an influencer. He said he's a d. Influencer.

[Sean (alias for guest)]

Influencer.

[Robert Smigel]

Yeah. So rival companies could. This is a new kind of influencer who just shits on rivals. And companies could be paying him and their hands are clean. See what I'm getting at?

[Sean (alias for guest)]

Why are you doing a podcast then? That's.

[Robert Smigel]

I should just have Triumph be a d. Influencer. No one will trust Triumph.

[Colin Quinn]

I trust him.

[Robert Smigel]

Okay. So Norm, playing pool? No, we'll get to it.

[Bethenny Frankel]

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[Robert Smigel]

They actually invite you in.

[Bethenny Frankel]

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[Robert Smigel]

Nothing to hide, everything to love.

[Bethenny Frankel]

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[Colin Quinn]

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[Bethenny Frankel]

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[Colin Quinn]

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[Robert Smigel]

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[Robert Smigel]

So there are a couple of things that played in my head as inappropriate behavior to your children. For example, he went to the Dominican Republic as before he got married and he talked to his daughter about this, correct?

[Sean (alias for guest)]

Yeah, he's got a drinking problem. Much, much surprised I'm sure. But yeah, he got a little too toasted and wanted to talk to his daughter about what a Casanova he used to be. And then she doing the math in her head about around what kind of timeline this was like, oh, well, when did you go to the Dominican Republic? And it's like, oh yeah, it was this year. Wait, no, no, no, it was this year. And it aligned very much with, you know, right before he got married to my mother in law.

[Robert Smigel]

Okay. And then one night he was. Was he drunk? He left Cinemax on his TV when his daughter was very young.

[Sean (alias for guest)]

Yeah, she was having a sleepover with a bunch of friends, probably like 8, 9 years old and he got too drunk, passed out while watching Skinemax, which back in the day.

[Mike Sweeney]

That's right.

[Sean (alias for guest)]

Teaches, you know, young kids unanatomic ways of how to have sex.

[Robert Smigel]

So. Unanatomic ways?

[Sean (alias for guest)]

Yeah, like you get these misconceptions about where you know, certain parts were. Because of what they were doing for the camera. Whatever.

[Mike Sweeney]

Well, there's good students snooping in that room anyway.

[Robert Smigel]

Well, or he should have.

[Sean (alias for guest)]

They lived on a tri. They lived on a tri level. And there was no door going to my wife's room. There's no snooping.

[Robert Smigel]

I think the lesson is that you should fall asleep to more responsible pornography than Skinimax.

[Mike Sweeney]

It's like the kids find something a little.

[Robert Smigel]

And. And so the daughter and her friends ended up watching it.

[Mike Sweeney]

Yeah.

[Robert Smigel]

Somebody wants to hear the norm story.

[Colin Quinn]

Sean's rethinking this whole thing. Maybe Colin's right.

[Mike Sweeney]

Look, you get up there, you just say, listen, as you all know, he hit on me a few times. Any other guys here? All right, well, I'm a good looking guy, as you can see. I have a fierce kind of a, you know, early 60s, you know, like a angry young man, British theater look.

[Robert Smigel]

But Colin's just gonna turn this into a roast of you, which is okay.

[Mike Sweeney]

Then you go, you know, he loved coins. And then you look at the casket and go, hey, papa, heads or tails? You flick it, penny, and you walk off. Big exit.

[Robert Smigel]

Well, let's talk about the passive aggressive approach.

[Colin Quinn]

Yeah. I thought maybe. Maybe one way to do it is to say, you know, he was a tour guide, and I got ahold of the comment cards from people who took his tour. And then you could read the cards and. And write stuff kind of shitting on him on the cards.

[Mike Sweeney]

Good idea.

[Robert Smigel]

Right. And then he was very knowledgeable about coins, but he had. I sensed he had this might be hitting his dog energy.

[Mike Sweeney]

Good.

[Colin Quinn]

Yeah. Like, stuff like that. And then. And then if anyone goes, oh, you can go, hey, I'm just reading. I'm just reading. What's on the card? I did not read.

[Sean (alias for guest)]

Yeah, no.

[Robert Smigel]

And you could set that up by saying, you know, he touched so many people in his life, and rather than me talking about it, why don't we hear from some of the people whose lives he touched? Whose lives he touched. And then you start reading Yelp reviews from, you know, different jobs you told me he had. He actually did get Yelp reviews from one of his jobs.

[Colin Quinn]

A landscaper.

[Mike Sweeney]

That's good.

[Robert Smigel]

Yes. Landscaping.

[Colin Quinn]

Yeah.

[Sean (alias for guest)]

Yeah. We don't know if this was exactly him, but it fit the description of him that he was. And then he was in his. Sleeping on the job, essentially.

[Robert Smigel]

That's great. So we could start with real ones.

[Colin Quinn]

Yeah.

[Robert Smigel]

And then just hit every job in every job he had and get more and more personal.

[Colin Quinn]

That's Great. Starting with real ones, I think is great.

[Mike Sweeney]

Yeah. And you could do.

[Colin Quinn]

Then it could be you. Actually, I filled one out or, you

[Robert Smigel]

know, my wife one that's really vulgar. And it's like, okay, that was mine.

[Colin Quinn]

Okay, that was, that was. I gotta.

[Robert Smigel]

No.

[Mike Sweeney]

And then you do his, his Yelp reviews that he use Facebook for Yelp, like you said. And see, here's some of his comments to people in case you're feeling bad about how people feel about him. Yeah.

[Colin Quinn]

If he really complains a lot about everything, you could say, you know, through a clerical error. He's in heaven right now. And I'm, I'm being told you, like you're getting updates from heaven about stuff. He's complaining about posts. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, he's complaining about, you know, I wanted a cumulonimbus cloud and there's the serious cloud. But yeah, maybe it's him complaining. He's disowning about heaven, you know, like zoning Freddie Mercury.

[Robert Smigel]

Right, right, right, right. I don't know.

[Colin Quinn]

There's no Monaco up here.

[Robert Smigel]

Yeah, different famous dead people that he's got issues with.

[Colin Quinn]

So maybe someone like, he does beat the.

[Robert Smigel]

Out of Lassie out of six. Six different Lassies.

[Mike Sweeney]

That's funny.

[Robert Smigel]

Eating dogs is so funny.

[Colin Quinn]

And you know, at least you put him in heaven, so that's.

[Mike Sweeney]

Yeah, yeah, that's great.

[Colin Quinn]

Yeah.

[Robert Smigel]

I mean, he's out there jamming with Gacy

[Colin Quinn]

and Norm. They're playing pool.

[Mike Sweeney]

Oh, oh, too soon.

[Robert Smigel]

Too soon.

[Colin Quinn]

Sorry.

[Robert Smigel]

Yeah, yeah.

[Mike Sweeney]

Not Norm, the pool stories.

[Robert Smigel]

Too soon. Exactly.

[Mike Sweeney]

These guys just gave you a brilliant structure.

[Robert Smigel]

Well, we'll, we'll, you know, we'll do more than that. We'll come up with some more stuff and then you'll come back and you'll, you'll read us what we send you and see how much you like it.

[Mike Sweeney]

He's gonna write right now.

[Robert Smigel]

No, no, we're not gonna do.

[Sean (alias for guest)]

Absolutely.

[Robert Smigel]

Oh, no, no, we'll do some.

[Colin Quinn]

This is a five part podcast.

[Mike Sweeney]

Really is a droll guy.

[Robert Smigel]

He is. He's very droll. Very dead man. You know, somebody else suggested we have a group of friends here who I call them the Hee Haw Honeys because is. They're partly there to laugh, so. Hee Haw. Hannah Feldman, David Cyrus, Amanda Melson, brilliant writers who've helped me in the past. Let's see. Hannah suggested. What if you. What if you advertise his estate sale during the funeral and you can read descriptions of make believe things that he owns.

[Colin Quinn]

Oh, that's good.

[Robert Smigel]

Represent his personality and he's into estate.

[Sean (alias for guest)]

He loves estate sales.

[Robert Smigel]

Oh, right. That was something that. That was in your notes. Yes. So it'd be like turning his love for estate sales against him.

[Mike Sweeney]

Right.

[Colin Quinn]

Oh, and he was also a metal detector guy. Right.

[Sean (alias for guest)]

He bought a couple of them and would look all over for different treasures and would find coins that nobody would care about but a belt bucket. Annual occurrence. I would lose my wedding ring within the leaves that I was picking up. And he would be Johnny on the spot, get there as fast as he could. And again, I think, yeah, he was happy to have a purpose that day.

[Mike Sweeney]

One of those days, saving your marriage. What a prick.

[Robert Smigel]

Like I said before, was there something about him joining the priesthood? Was that in there somewhere? No, he was a Freemason. He was a Freemason. Oh, yeah, Freemason. He was a Freemason. So that you could say that when he was young he was a freemason. And perhaps he considered joining the priesthood, but he chose instead to skip that step and go right to fondling me.

[Mike Sweeney]

That's a good one.

[Robert Smigel]

That's something. There's Dave Cyrus. I thought that you could also do

[Mike Sweeney]

stuff with, you know, where you start

[Sean (alias for guest)]

with a compliment such as, you know,

[Mike Sweeney]

one thing he did right is he. He helped create your wonderful wife.

[Robert Smigel]

And based on how gay he probably

[Sean (alias for guest)]

was, that took determination and sacrifice.

[Robert Smigel]

That's good. Going to the gay. Well a lot.

[Sean (alias for guest)]

And his love of Monaco is a giveaway probably.

[Robert Smigel]

Yeah, I so much I didn't know how gay Monaco was.

[Mike Sweeney]

Yeah, I never, I never thought of that. But it sounds. When he said it made sense. It resonates.

[Robert Smigel]

It resonates with 65 year old point of order. Go ahead.

[Bethenny Frankel]

Can we clarify, Is your father in law a. An actual leprechaun?

[Robert Smigel]

In Hannah's defense, Irish people are among the very last minorities that we can make fun of. We have permission to make fun of. I'm surprised I haven't done this whole interview in a brogue. Just. Just because I can, like everybody else I have on here, I can't.

[Colin Quinn]

How do we know this man's Irish? I don't know, because I didn't hear he was Irish. He's got a bad drinking problem.

[Bethenny Frankel]

Look, I also had an Irish grandfather.

[Sean (alias for guest)]

I know a thing or two about the word very Irish.

[Mike Sweeney]

And he loves the coins like the leprechauns.

[Colin Quinn]

Right?

[Robert Smigel]

That's an Irish thing because that's a Jewish thing too, supposedly. So I'm told, based on some jokes that I've read.

[Bethenny Frankel]

We love a fog.

[Sean (alias for guest)]

How tall is he 5, 9. So.

[Robert Smigel]

Okay, I think that's enough racism for one show. This is 2026, or whatever this is airing.

[Colin Quinn]

And you know, if it's an Irish roast, you're gonna slam them. I think you have to get sentimental at the very end. And even if anyone had problems with him getting roasted, they'll. They'll. Their hearts will melt at the end.

[Mike Sweeney]

That's right.

[Colin Quinn]

Something.

[Mike Sweeney]

You have to say something nice, Sean. Yeah, that's gonna be a hardest task.

[Colin Quinn]

Yes, the last sentence.

[Robert Smigel]

Well, you could say something like, raise a glass. You know, Based on how many women he claims to have had sex with in the Dominican Republic, he's clearly not afraid to spend money.

[Mike Sweeney]

He's got three half sons in the Yankee farm team.

[Colin Quinn]

I'm sorry my.

[Robert Smigel]

None of whom are here tonight.

[Colin Quinn]

I'm sorry my stepbrother, Big Poppy couldn't be here today.

[Mike Sweeney]

Is there any chance that he could die soon?

[Robert Smigel]

Because it would be great to actually

[Mike Sweeney]

get you to do this at the funeral.

[Robert Smigel]

That's Frank, our producer, who is the only podcast with a producer who is a cartoon sewer rat. Very proud of that, Frank Smiley. Go ahead, Frank.

[Mike Sweeney]

Why isn't he dead?

[Robert Smigel]

When's he gonna die?

[Mike Sweeney]

Yes, that's my question. I mean, is it best bang for

[Robert Smigel]

our buck would be if we got you to do it at the funeral. So what are the chances that he might croak?

[Sean (alias for guest)]

Yeah, it's very possible. It could be soon. I'll say that.

[Robert Smigel]

You can't see it.

[Mike Sweeney]

He's another sign of an egg.

[Robert Smigel]

What?

[Mike Sweeney]

Big on gift giving and always wants to give gifts to people. Another sign of a prick.

[Sean (alias for guest)]

He's great at guitar.

[Mike Sweeney]

Loves the Beatles.

[Robert Smigel]

That's right. He likes the Beatles.

[Sean (alias for guest)]

That's the yo and hello, goodbye.

[Mike Sweeney]

He loves the Beatles and hello, goodbye

[Sean (alias for guest)]

are the only things his kids say to him on the holidays. Yeah, it's his favorite work.

[Mike Sweeney]

He sings I'm Only Sleeping. We can name all the Beatles.

[Robert Smigel]

Well, that's a good area.

[Colin Quinn]

You know what? My.

[Robert Smigel]

He also wanted to hold my hand.

[Colin Quinn]

We're getting side. Not well known. I. I lock my keys in the car again. They did that on the BBC.

[Robert Smigel]

A rarity. No, like, I'm sorry.

[Sean (alias for guest)]

It's all good. You need to go. But this is done soon.

[Colin Quinn]

This is up there with the Cinemax.

[Robert Smigel]

Yeah, right. Is everything okay? Do you want to take a moment or are you okay?

[Mike Sweeney]

We're good.

[Colin Quinn]

All right.

[Robert Smigel]

Okay.

[Mike Sweeney]

The kids are like, why are you disparaging Grandpa's good name?

[Sean (alias for guest)]

Nah, they know it wasn't.

[Robert Smigel]

The kids like, it Wasn't skin. It was public access. Yeah, it was Robin Bird. Show those of us over 60, George. No, now we're really.

[Colin Quinn]

That's over.

[Robert Smigel]

Deep cut. Yeah. All right. I think we have enough fodder.

[Mike Sweeney]

Yeah. So he has to write it and call back.

[Robert Smigel]

I'm gonna work on it, but I'll probably lean on Sweeney a little bit, even though he's busy.

[Sean (alias for guest)]

What about this?

[Mike Sweeney]

No, I'm busy.

[Robert Smigel]

I would love to lean on Colin.

[Mike Sweeney]

I'm busy, guys. I'm busy.

[Robert Smigel]

And so it is father in law.

[Colin Quinn]

Right.

[Robert Smigel]

Somehow or another, we'll get something together for you.

[Mike Sweeney]

Yeah, it's a great.

[Robert Smigel]

And then you'll come back. Yeah, we got a lot of. We got a lot of potential here. We're going to come back at the end of this show where we talk to you about how you like it and you'll read it to us.

[Mike Sweeney]

Remember, it's the first draft. Writing is rewriting.

[Robert Smigel]

Well, thank you so much for coming. And we'll see you in the epilogue after this commercial message. Wait, before we go, Norm MacDonald. I understand. Played.

[Colin Quinn]

Yes.

[Robert Smigel]

Pocket billiards with you.

[Mike Sweeney]

And you have pocket billions.

[Robert Smigel]

I understand you have an amusing story.

[Mike Sweeney]

Oh, are we doing that story now?

[Robert Smigel]

Yeah. So to back it up, I was. We were talking. I don't remember why this came up.

[Mike Sweeney]

Because you were ranting about how the bowling alley got replaced by that stupid pool halo.

[Robert Smigel]

Yes. The best bowling alley in New York City was beacon lanes on 76th and Broadway. I built great. I built a 240 there, by the way.

[Mike Sweeney]

You did?

[Robert Smigel]

I did. I did.

[Mike Sweeney]

That's amazing.

[Robert Smigel]

40 there.

[Sean (alias for guest)]

Really?

[Colin Quinn]

That's.

[Robert Smigel]

I really did.

[Mike Sweeney]

I'll tell you what, that is the

[Robert Smigel]

only thing I'm good at.

[Mike Sweeney]

It's five strikes and podcasting. Five strikes and eight spares.

[Robert Smigel]

That's very good math, but that's. That would not be a 240. There's more strikes. There were. Yeah. I was pushing it with two hands

[Mike Sweeney]

and it was like, no, that's real bowling.

[Robert Smigel]

No, but that's the least of it. It was a beautiful bowling alley. And David Brenner bought the property, but took over the property and made a yuppie pool hall out of it.

[Mike Sweeney]

Yep.

[Robert Smigel]

And you were telling me about David Brenner being how he closed his act. Oh.

[Mike Sweeney]

So he'd go to the comedy clubs and we'd always sit in the comedy club. And then he'd walk in. They go. Which I say goes nothing. And he just wait for the last act to walk up there. He'd walk on Stage slowly do an empty stage at a comedy club. The whole crowd's like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And he get up there, do his act, did really well. He's a legend. And then as he's closing, he goes, thank you, guys for helping me work this out. This is. I've worked out the 87 tonight shows. I've done. These other comedians.

[Robert Smigel]

Hold for gasps.

[Colin Quinn]

Yes.

[Mike Sweeney]

And he's like, these other young comedians, God bless. I wish I could do what they do. They sit at home in their computer. Buffalo jokes. Buffalo. I can't work, like that way, so I wish I could. I agree with you people. And work, like, off the cut. Like. Like he's Mr. Nashville.

[Robert Smigel]

Yes, of course.

[Mike Sweeney]

So I want to thank you. And he just leave silently. Like, David Brenner.

[Robert Smigel]

Such a classy passive aggressive.

[Mike Sweeney]

Yeah.

[Robert Smigel]

Way to wrap up.

[Colin Quinn]

Yeah, he was on Conan once and, yeah, they wanted me to work with him on.

[Robert Smigel]

He.

[Colin Quinn]

He was going to show a video at a taxidermy store and then he was going to do panel.

[Robert Smigel]

Yeah.

[Colin Quinn]

And he just goes, you know, so I don't know how long the panel is going to be. He goes, if it's three minutes, I'll do three minutes on cats and dogs screams. Yes. If it's two minutes, I've got two. I could just do dogs screams. And if, you know, it's really tight, you know, I'll do one quick joke. Screams.

[Mike Sweeney]

Yeah.

[Robert Smigel]

No, Conan told me this story.

[Mike Sweeney]

Yeah.

[Robert Smigel]

He would just break down his accents.

[Colin Quinn]

Screams, screams, screams, screams.

[Robert Smigel]

Just very casually, you know.

[Colin Quinn]

So I. I shot him after the show, just saying screams to camera, going, screams, screams. I wanted to edit it into.

[Robert Smigel]

Did he know that you were making fun of him?

[Colin Quinn]

I don't know how I finessed it, but I wanted to edit it into the show just after. Just put it.

[Mike Sweeney]

Oh, God.

[Colin Quinn]

But it never happened.

[Mike Sweeney]

So then we took.

[Colin Quinn]

So that led.

[Mike Sweeney]

So we took. So that led to us talking about when I went to the Amsterdam Billions when it opened.

[Robert Smigel]

Oh, wait, one more thing about David Brenner. Conan. Conan showed me. I guess Conan was assigned to give him to work on a screenplay. David Brenner wrote, like back when comedians were doing, you know, after. After Annie hall and Woody Allen. It was a masterpiece. But a lot of comedians wanted to do, like, you know, their version. Albert Brooks did his pretty good, some people say great. Steve Martin ultimately did his Los Angeles one. And David Brenner wrote one. And Conan showed it to me. Of course, there's the sidekick buddy, and usually, you know, there's a little bit of dignity in the way this is written, they always, you know, make themselves look kind of good. You know how comedians sometimes they'll write themselves, like, really cool dialogue when they're talking to women?

[Sean (alias for guest)]

Sure.

[Mike Sweeney]

Yeah.

[Robert Smigel]

That's always kind of creepy, like, watching them be incredibly smooth. But. But in this case, David Brenner is walking with his sidekick, buddy, whoever it is, his. Tony Roberts, and the guy is saying to him, why are you always so upset? You're great looking. You got women crawling. You got women crawling up your ass. And David Brenner's just, you know, there with the part in the middle and the long, shaggy, 70s. I don't know, it's just. That's how it is. It's hard.

[Mike Sweeney]

David Brenner. When I was a kid, I was watching comedians, you know, 12, and David Brennan came on with that shag haircut and the open shirt and the gold chains.

[Colin Quinn]

Yeah.

[Mike Sweeney]

And that light brown leather jacket. And I go, that's a cool guy doing stand up.

[Robert Smigel]

And you meant it.

[Mike Sweeney]

I 100 meant.

[Robert Smigel]

Because it's like 1970, whatever.

[Mike Sweeney]

I was like, that's a badass. And he's up there.

[Robert Smigel]

Yeah.

[Mike Sweeney]

I was like, that's the way to do it.

[Robert Smigel]

I will say I did a cartoon about him, and he was a very good sport about it. It was a cartoon where he's giving. I. It was. I used to do this thing fun with real audio, which, by the way, you were. A lot of people at SNL were annoyed that I did cartoons. Like, is there taking up four minutes of show air time? That could have been the thing that Lauren cut. But two people in my time at SNL doing cartoons came up to me and would say. They would say, that was great. Yeah. And one of them was Amy Poehler, and the other one was. Was. So thank you.

[Mike Sweeney]

I gave me. I don't need to thank you, but thank you.

[Robert Smigel]

Okay, Amy, if you remember who I am, I was the Jewish guy who did. Forget it. She doesn't remember who I am. But so, anyway, you did David Brenner. I did. Oh, yes. So we did the David Brenner cartoon, and I cut together, like, three talk show appearances and made it one story. It was one long story about, you know, you know, how David Brenner would tell long, straggy dog stories on talk shows. So I had him on, like, David Letterman, and David Letterman's getting kind of anxious as he's talking, and I cut to David Letterman, like. And then he finally, like, presses a button and let. And Brenner falls through a trap door. And lands on Regis and Kathie Lee and like, without missing a beat, continuing the same stall. Anyway, if you've ever been on the subway, people would. And they're just, ahah.

[Mike Sweeney]

Yeah.

[Robert Smigel]

And they're really being friendly. And then they just can't take it anymore. They press a button and eventually it goes to, like, the A Tom Snyder. And he's already got his finger on the button. It goes straight throws. That was my wife's joke. She always comes up with the funniest part of the sketch. But anyway, David Brenner, that was really funny. You know, I gotta give you credit.

[Mike Sweeney]

Yeah. He's just like. Yeah.

[Robert Smigel]

I don't know. I don't know if he was doing it politically, but I. I feel terrible about the last 10 minutes of the show.

[Colin Quinn]

No, he had so many women, like.

[Robert Smigel]

Yeah, he had women crawling up his ass. He really did. So that he married Thai Babylonia. Remember her? What? He did Thai Babylonian. Randy Gardner. She was really.

[Mike Sweeney]

Wow.

[Robert Smigel]

It's very attractive. Right?

[Mike Sweeney]

And also the epitome of the 70s

[Robert Smigel]

or late, early 80s. Ty and Randy. Okay. Anyway, God bless David Blenner. Okay? So now he ruined this bowling alley with this yuppie pool.

[Mike Sweeney]

So then me and Norm go there when we. When it first opened, I think, and we go there. And I was explaining, like, you all know, Norm, Norm. We weren't in on the joke. Nobody was in on the joke with Norm either, by the way. So you don't know. So it was just. You're not sure if it was him or just one giant troll your whole life. And so when we started playing pool, he goes, I love to play pool. I said, hey, we can play pool. He goes, I love pool. I go, oh, good, you play pool. He goes, no, I'd like to play.

[Robert Smigel]

No.

[Mike Sweeney]

I go, okay, so we're gonna play pool. So I think I'm teaching him how to play pool. And he goes, how do you do it? That's why I just show him. And he goes like this. But you could. He must have played before because you. When you first drive, you did what he did. You rip the table. So he just takes the pool. Killed. It's like a bunch of people in there, you know? It's like a new yuppie place, like you said. And suddenly, here.

[Robert Smigel]

Wow.

[Mike Sweeney]

He smashes the cue ball so hard it knocks almost like. Like half the balls are off the table, flying all over the pool. It's like, hey. And then I'm like, scurrying to pick him up. He's acting like you know, he just won the game. And then I go, you know, hey, really? I hit it too hard, but. And then later, we're playing again. We keep playing, and then he's like, hitting them all. He's always hitting it too hard. But then smash off the table again, like three times later. And just anytime. And he did the same thing with basketball. We played basketball. He goes, yeah, I like. And then we had to go play pool after that first game. I forgot to say. Then he's like, let's go play pool tonight. He wanted to go every night, and we went like eight times, and every time he played the same way.

[Robert Smigel]

Really?

[Mike Sweeney]

Oh, I forgot to say. So he's like. It's like a nice yuppie new play. He starts cursing and screaming if the ball went off the table, if he didn't get it right. He starts screaming like the whole. Everyone's jumping up.

[Robert Smigel]

This is so perfect. I believe that he partly did it because it was such a stuffy yuppie place to, like, he's. He's like, trolling everybody in the place.

[Mike Sweeney]

That's correct.

[Robert Smigel]

As opposed to if it was like a beaten down old place where with old guys.

[Mike Sweeney]

He loved those guys.

[Robert Smigel]

Yeah. He would never have around, like.

[Mike Sweeney]

No. He would have been, like, talking to them and like, yeah.

[Robert Smigel]

Hey, what do you love those guys?

[Mike Sweeney]

Yeah.

[Colin Quinn]

To show him, like, Norm, you know, just take. Take a little.

[Mike Sweeney]

No, they just kept away from the table, you know, like, because he was screaming and cursing and I love smashing things and yelling. Like, you'd yell like, hey, even if he was happy, he just causes a ruckus. He like to cause a ruckus, you know?

[Robert Smigel]

Well, thanks for. Thanks for that story. Thanks for helping out.

[Mike Sweeney]

Thank you. And good luck to Sean. I'd like to actually know the results.

[Robert Smigel]

There you go.

[Colin Quinn]

Good luck to the father in law. I. I kind of hope he goes another 20 years. Just.

[Mike Sweeney]

Oh, come on.

[Robert Smigel]

Not Frank. Frank's like.

[Mike Sweeney]

Frank's waiting.

[Robert Smigel]

What can we do? How can we make this wake for the show?

[Mike Sweeney]

Yes.

[Colin Quinn]

Do we have the budget to fly

[Robert Smigel]

to you know, where.

[Colin Quinn]

Finish him off? Steal his coin collection?

[Robert Smigel]

Numismatics got a thing that needs to be funnier. Tell us about [e-mail]. humor me. If you're like me, and I know you guys are just like me.

[Colin Quinn]

Yes.

[Robert Smigel]

Jewish.

[Colin Quinn]

Yes.

[Robert Smigel]

Wear a baseball cap to cover your receding hairline.

[Colin Quinn]

I'm reformed.

[Robert Smigel]

That's okay. That's okay. I'm not judging you. If you're like me, you tend to feel guilty about the products you advertise on your podcast indiscriminately. You present seemingly casual conversations that are only designed to hawk a product. Am I right?

[Colin Quinn]

Absolutely.

[Robert Smigel]

Yeah. How many times have you been part of these conversations of.

[Colin Quinn]

Oh, my God. Yeah, I lost count.

[Robert Smigel]

The hawk a product that I know little or nothing about.

[Mike Sweeney]

Right.

[Robert Smigel]

Well, thankfully, there's a new product on the market that alleviates those nagging feelings of guilt that every podcaster wrestles with. It's called Rashy, R A T I O Y. Rashi, the new app that rationalizes every disagreeable action that you take. You simply type in here. I'll do it now. Now, simply type in the unpleasant feeling that you have, and you describe what you did to get that feeling, and Rashy does the rest. So here, let me demonstrate.

[Mike Sweeney]

Spelled like ratio.

[Robert Smigel]

Yeah, it's spelled like ratio. No, but it's Rashy, because you're rationalizing here. Now let me help you out here.

[Colin Quinn]

You're rationalizing the way it's spelled right now.

[Robert Smigel]

So it doesn't work. Okay, here we go. I pretended to like a movie with Julia Roberts that I didn't even watch in order to satisfy the obligations that come with hosting a show that makes me feel relevant and whole, even as I know deep down I am neither. Okay, let's see what Rashi says. Oh. Oh, here's the readout. You work very hard, and there's nothing wrong with wanting a little recognition for that. That. It's called being human. If telling a few white lies, this is great. If telling a few white lies about some products is the cost of feeling better about yourself so that you can be a better husband and father to your kids. Wow. That's a pretty good investment in your family's well being. Wow, It's a really good rationalization. Yeah.

[Mike Sweeney]

What was it missing? Pizza.

[Robert Smigel]

Sorry?

[Colin Quinn]

Julia Roberts.

[Mike Sweeney]

Oh.

[Robert Smigel]

Oh, the movie.

[Colin Quinn]

That was her breakdown?

[Robert Smigel]

No, it was their new movie. Movie. Movie. What's it called? After the Hunch. Yeah. Oh, I did a glowing ad for it.

[Colin Quinn]

You did?

[Robert Smigel]

I didn't see it. I don't like her written. She was. She was mean to Conan once on the David Letterman show. She was in Not a fan, But I guess 17. I gushed. Oh, wait, there's more. There's more rationalization here. Oh, this is good. Do you think Elton John really eats Doritos at his age? Of course not. But he has two beautiful young children that he wants to impress by doing a Super bowl ad since they don't appreciate his music. He's human and he works hard yeah, just like me. I work hard. Yeah. And that's just for podcast hosts. But Rashi works for anybody's nagging guilt. Do you have anything you feel guilty about that you'd like to tell Rashi about?

[Mike Sweeney]

I got plenty. Let me think about it.

[Robert Smigel]

Were you Mike jam in something you feel right now?

[Colin Quinn]

I feel something. You feel bad if Sean. If Sean's still listening.

[Robert Smigel]

Here, I got something.

[Mike Sweeney]

He's listening.

[Robert Smigel]

I got one for you.

[Colin Quinn]

Okay.

[Robert Smigel]

I have suckled at the Te of Conan O'. Brien.

[Colin Quinn]

That's correct.

[Robert Smigel]

For 35. For half my life.

[Colin Quinn]

No, they're all only the. Don't make it worse.

[Robert Smigel]

30 for almost.

[Colin Quinn]

Less than half.

[Robert Smigel]

Almost half my life.

[Colin Quinn]

It was more than half. I'd killed myself.

[Mike Sweeney]

Almost less than half.

[Robert Smigel]

All while secretly hating him. I'm sorry. I know you don't want that out, but I just think I want it to work for you.

[Colin Quinn]

Yeah, I. I want to sell the product.

[Mike Sweeney]

He told me the people of India despised Conant from his behavior when they went on that trip again.

[Robert Smigel]

I told that I'll cut out. That I will cut out.

[Mike Sweeney]

The nation of India despises Conan.

[Robert Smigel]

Despite my hatred, I have won Emmys and praise.

[Colin Quinn]

Yes.

[Robert Smigel]

And that's important to me. No praise, but not praise from Conan.

[Mike Sweeney]

No.

[Colin Quinn]

I mean from anyone. Well, I'm sorry.

[Mike Sweeney]

Go ahead.

[Robert Smigel]

No, no, I'm gonna use that. No, I haven't gotten enough. I'm still not satisfied.

[Mike Sweeney]

No, not after.

[Robert Smigel]

And I feel guilty that I am not satisfied with one of the few steady jobs in comedy, especially these days. Right. In these times that is fun and easy and cushy and only requires me to overcome my guilt of leeching.

[Colin Quinn]

Yes. That. That's my situation.

[Robert Smigel]

Shamelessly leasing. Sorry. Jesus. Jesus. Shamelessly leech. Okay, let me put that in.

[Mike Sweeney]

Good.

[Robert Smigel]

And. Oh, here we go. You wait a minute. You work very hard, and there's nothing wrong with wanting. It's saying the same thing it said to me. Wanting a little recognition for that. It's called being human. If sucking up to someone you hate is the cost of feeling better about yourself so that you can be a better husband and father to your kids, that's a pretty good investment in your family's.

[Mike Sweeney]

Well, okay. Oh, I love it.

[Robert Smigel]

Okay, this. This app. I'm sorry. I feel bad. Oh, wait a minute. I can't feel bad.

[Colin Quinn]

Oh, yeah, very nice.

[Robert Smigel]

Because it's my sponsor, Rashy. The app that helps you rationalize in real time your guilt. Almost anything. I. I feel guilty a little bit about. Okay, Stinky. What do you Feel guilty about.

[Mike Sweeney]

The bit's over.

[Robert Smigel]

I thought that was a good ending. I thought that was a good ending for the bit. I mean, what am I going to do with yours? I'll just type in the same thing. Yeah, the more you do it, the funnier it gets.

[Mike Sweeney]

The more people walk out of the

[Robert Smigel]

podcast, the funnier it is. Sorry, Frank, go ahead. I just feel guilty about contacting Colin about this podcast. Oh, okay. He did have a button. There's your button,

[Mike Sweeney]

Colin.

[Robert Smigel]

I'm sorry. That's good. Thank you. You're not going to be upset with me, are you?

[Mike Sweeney]

You wouldn't care if I am. Frank, don't act.

[Colin Quinn]

You would not care. It's.

[Robert Smigel]

He's. He's delighting if. In your upset. Exactly. He wants you to be upset.

[Mike Sweeney]

Exactly.

[Robert Smigel]

It's okay. All right. Please tell me you're upset. All right, I'm out of here. Rashy,

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[Colin Quinn]

Hey, everyone, it's Cal Penn, host of Earsay, the Audible and iHeart Audiobook Club. This week on the podcast, I'm sitting down with Lily Chu, the author of the Audible original romantic comedy Just Kiss Already. It's a story about a forensic anthropologist who secretly writes mystery novels, an actress who adapts his book into a film, and what happens when a meme and a media tour collide with a slow burn romance. It's performed by Simu Liu and Philippa Hsu, and it is an absolute blast.

[Bethenny Frankel]

When you actually hear the performance, you realize that other people are taking your word and what you thought was kind of a straightforward sentence, like, the cat in the corner is black. In my head, it's the cat in the corner is black. Not the dog, not the gerbil.

[Robert Smigel]

But someone else might say it.

[Bethenny Frankel]

The cat in the corner is black. That's always fascinating to me how they just bring in all these different nuances and really make it fun and interesting and distinctive.

[Colin Quinn]

Listen to Hearsay, the Audible and iHeart audiobook club on the iHeartradio app or wherever you get your podcasts.

[Mike Sweeney]

Foreign.

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[Robert Smigel]

Hi, we're back. We're back. We're back to find out what happened to Sean. As you know, we, we all gave him advice. And that was what, about 15 minutes ago? Yeah, yeah. He turned the interim. Well, you and I wrote. Wrote it out.

[Colin Quinn]

Yep.

[Robert Smigel]

And he went and ran it by people. And no, Colin got back to his house in that amount of time. And I grew a beard. You know what? In the. I'm going to be straight with you. It hasn't been 15 minutes. Okay, full disclosure. It's been a few months. And one of the things that happened within those few months is the Mike Sweeney here was a major contributor to Conan o' Brien's Oscar performance.

[Colin Quinn]

This is my fault.

[Robert Smigel]

Oh, no. It was magnificent. I want to ask you about one specific moment.

[Colin Quinn]

Okay.

[Robert Smigel]

That made me laugh harder. And the whole show was funny, really funny. But there was a moment between, like, between acts.

[Colin Quinn]

Okay.

[Robert Smigel]

A commercial break. All right. Thing where it's like the Oscars, the 84th annual, or whatever year it was. We'll be back in a moment after this commercial message. And what we saw was Conan in a lab coat with slides of.

[Colin Quinn]

What was it they Are X ray. Chest X rays.

[Robert Smigel]

Just chest X rays. And he's got maybe a pointer and he's explaining the chest X rays to who?

[Colin Quinn]

Those are the producers of the show.

[Robert Smigel]

The producers of the show. But they just look like regular citizens.

[Colin Quinn]

Yeah.

[Robert Smigel]

And that's it. And that's.

[Colin Quinn]

It's 15 seconds.

[Mike Sweeney]

15 seconds.

[Robert Smigel]

Yeah, it's just typical backstage kind of shot at the Oscars, except Conan's in a lab coat explaining X rays.

[Colin Quinn]

It's the best. Well, last year, the day before the Oscars, they said, we're doing this 15 second where you're just talking to the producers. Conan immediately was like, wait, what?

[Robert Smigel]

I'm just talking to them. Just do that.

[Colin Quinn]

Right. So he's like, I. I have to say, right on the spot, he said, I want a map of Europe.

[Robert Smigel]

Oh, good.

[Colin Quinn]

Oh, and I want to.

[Robert Smigel]

Forgot that. Okay.

[Colin Quinn]

And. And so. And that was the 15 seconds with him gesturing to a map of your, I think, World War II Europe with a pipe.

[Robert Smigel]

Nothing better.

[Colin Quinn]

Yes.

[Mike Sweeney]

So then.

[Sean (alias for guest)]

Yes.

[Robert Smigel]

The corniest part of the show.

[Mike Sweeney]

I thought it was brilliant writing. Who did you. Who wrote that In Memoriam segment?

[Colin Quinn]

Well, it was our idea to break it into three long segments.

[Robert Smigel]

Yeah, that was, that was. That was very funny. The idea of Robert Redford dying. Who came up with that?

[Mike Sweeney]

Sean is seething right now.

[Robert Smigel]

This isn't all about you. Okay, Sean, you had your. I'm gonna let you finish. Se.

[Colin Quinn]

Sean's learning about show business.

[Robert Smigel]

Exactly. No, I just. I haven't seen Sweeney in a few months, and this is pretty cool. So, Sean, in the months that have passed, we wrote the eulogy for you, for your father in law. He didn't die, correct?

[Sean (alias for guest)]

No.

[Robert Smigel]

What went wrong?

[Sean (alias for guest)]

Did not die.

[Robert Smigel]

What happened?

[Sean (alias for guest)]

I don't know. His cardiovascular system is failing, his liver's failing, his lungs are failing. But I'm not sure, to be honest. So apologies to Frank. If I had my way, he'd already be in the ground.

[Robert Smigel]

Well, is there anyone we can sue? Because I heart lawyers are very powerful.

[Sean (alias for guest)]

The emergency physicians that put a stint in him three months ago, we can bitch about them.

[Robert Smigel]

There's nothing you could do to speed things up? It's. It's fine. What's done is done. Might as well, you know, Might as well deal with it. He's alive. Colin loves the guy. So. Colin's happy about it?

[Mike Sweeney]

I did like the guy.

[Robert Smigel]

Well, what I did was you guys came up with a lot of funny ideas and Mike and I kind of fleshed them out. How would you describe it? We wrote it Out.

[Mike Sweeney]

We.

[Robert Smigel]

And then sent it in an email. And then what? We emailed. It's called email.

[Colin Quinn]

I believe it was email.

[Robert Smigel]

Sent by email. It was put on a document called a Microsoft Word document. Sent to email through email to Sean. And Sean, all we could do is have you practice. So we just decided to have you stage a eulogy in front of some friends of yours who knew. Who know your father in law, correct?

[Sean (alias for guest)]

Yes. Present tense.

[Robert Smigel]

Okay. And where did they stay? Where did you do this?

[Sean (alias for guest)]

We did it at a friend's house. He was kind of going through somewhat of a crisis, so all these people from all over the state, all over the country, came and hung out with him while he was going through this. But it happened to be a good time to inject some levity into the situation.

[Robert Smigel]

I love that. A eulogy. A gu. Practicing a eulogy is injecting levity into his situation.

[Mike Sweeney]

Well, it's like a roast.

[Robert Smigel]

It is like a roast. The eulogy is. And the guy's not dead, so it really played like a roast. A future eulogy. And you did this in his backyard?

[Sean (alias for guest)]

Yes.

[Robert Smigel]

So that feels kind of like. Kind of deathy, you know, like doing it outside, you know, by a cemetery or something. Yeah, like that kind of eulogy. Some people do that. Just bury the guy.

[Sean (alias for guest)]

It was in front of a fire, so it could have been like, you know, a Viking funeral.

[Robert Smigel]

Yeah, something like that. Nice. And we tried to give you as many jokes as we could, most of which, some of which we pitched in the moment, some of which came out of, like, some of Mike's. Mike had some general areas. Why don't we listen to what you did? We recorded it and. And then we'll kind of analyze how you did. Ready, everybody?

[Sean (alias for guest)]

First, thank you all for being here. For so many of you who knew Kevin, I know this must be hard for you to all show up to his funeral. You know, before Kevin passed, he asked me to say some things at his funeral. He wasn't sick at the time. I think he just brought up the idea of dying to cheer me up. That's the kind of guy he was.

[Robert Smigel]

Not bad, the dog.

[Sean (alias for guest)]

They do say in tragedy there's often joy, or at least based on how happy his widow seems. But I'm here for you, Kevin. But as you know, Kevin wanted to be cremated. But due to the amount of rum in his system at his time of death, he was actually flambed. Let it be said, this man was a wonderful husband who never laid a hand on his wife, not even to hug or Kiss her. A father who didn't just teach his daughters about what kind of man to avoid. He showed them by example. Look at that. He was a generous man. Loved giving his kids presents at Christmas. And they never found the gifts since. Just like Kevin. They were deep, deep in the closet.

[Colin Quinn]

Wow.

[Sean (alias for guest)]

I hope that doesn't offend anyone. I know that if I was gay, I'd be highly offended to find out that Kevin was one of me. But there was a positive side. Kevin warmly embraced his relationship with his gay brother only after two decades of him shunning him. Kevin was the first person to drive a bus for the blind and hear someone say, you know what? We'll take this from here.

[Robert Smigel]

We got it.

[Sean (alias for guest)]

He collected coins that I assume he stole from work. He was a tour guide at the Mint, where he showed thousands his ability to point at coins. We actually found a couple reviews.

[Robert Smigel]

Stop the tape. Stop the tape for a second. Why didn't they laugh at that? That was good. Little dry. He showed his ability to point at coins. Right? I didn't like that.

[Mike Sweeney]

It was great. It was a subtle one, but it's great.

[Robert Smigel]

It's a subtle one.

[Colin Quinn]

Well, you know, you're following deep in the closet jokes. It's. It's.

[Robert Smigel]

I guess when I write a eulogy, I want the whole thing to mur.

[Mike Sweeney]

But the coins.

[Colin Quinn]

You said coins.

[Mike Sweeney]

You said coins twice before, so they were a little confused.

[Colin Quinn]

Always do the coin jokes before the gay jokes.

[Robert Smigel]

Coin jokes. I'm pretty sure there are a lot more gay jokes. Oh, then we have to spread them out. Okay, so now he's setting up your bit about the reviews. The Yelp reviews from. From Kevin's work. Okay, here we go.

[Sean (alias for guest)]

We actually found a couple reviews of Kevin from Yelp. Allow me to share. It was so weird. I've never had a tour guide who just sat in a recliner and told us, knock yourselves out, And here's another one. The mint was lovely. Our guide, Kevin, mentioned quarters for a minute, then started rambling about how many pesos it cost to sleep with nine women in the Dominican Republic.

[Mike Sweeney]

Oh, my God.

[Robert Smigel]

Yeah.

[Colin Quinn]

A little bit of a stretch.

[Robert Smigel]

You have to. You have to be there.

[Colin Quinn]

Yeah.

[Sean (alias for guest)]

Our tour guide, Kevin, for some reason, told us coins are a choking hazard for dogs, and then explicitly, inexplicably, gave us tips on the best places to scatter them on the floor.

[Robert Smigel]

Pause it for a second. Pause it for a second. I. I actually lost track of that joke. What was it?

[Colin Quinn]

I. I think it's because he didn't like dogs. So.

[Robert Smigel]

Yeah. Right.

[Colin Quinn]

It's introducing the idea that.

[Robert Smigel]

Yeah.

[Colin Quinn]

You know, throw coins around to. So the dogs can choke on them.

[Robert Smigel]

Right, right. I forgot. I forgot about his deep hatred for innocent animals.

[Colin Quinn]

Right. I think the common cards are, I think getting in the way here of just.

[Mike Sweeney]

No, no, it's going great, you guys.

[Robert Smigel]

No, I think it's good. I think we're not seeing the cards on this shot, but.

[Mike Sweeney]

Right.

[Robert Smigel]

And. And he stumbled a little on that. But I actually think like when he does die. I think we need a dog joke before this joke.

[Colin Quinn]

Yes.

[Robert Smigel]

I'm sorry.

[Mike Sweeney]

Or at least an explanation. He wasn't a fan of dogs. Right.

[Robert Smigel]

But that might over set up the joke. No.

[Colin Quinn]

Maybe. Well, are there dogs? I. I don't remember if they're dog jokes. Come.

[Robert Smigel]

I feel like there's another dog joke coming up that maybe we should proceed this way with. But anyway, let's keep going.

[Colin Quinn]

I think you're doing well in really bleak.

[Mike Sweeney]

Amazing.

[Colin Quinn]

I mean, that is.

[Robert Smigel]

This is scary Backyard told me this. No, this backyard. You've played this backyard, haven't you?

[Colin Quinn]

Yes, I used to when I. When I did clubs and colleges across the country. I recognize this yard.

[Robert Smigel]

This is a notorious.

[Colin Quinn]

It was a lunchtime show.

[Robert Smigel]

It's a notoriously difficult backyard.

[Colin Quinn]

Very tough. Very tough.

[Robert Smigel]

The acoustics alone, I think.

[Colin Quinn]

Sean.

[Mike Sweeney]

Beautiful western paintings. What are you talking about?

[Colin Quinn]

Yeah, it is.

[Robert Smigel]

People are distracted. I think people are distracted by the vista. I have a question.

[Colin Quinn]

Can I ask a question? Now that we pause. These, these, this Rogues Gallery, these people you're doing the show for, are any of them relatives?

[Robert Smigel]

Rogues Gallery.

[Sean (alias for guest)]

All right, none are relatives.

[Mike Sweeney]

There's friends that came in for the other event.

[Robert Smigel]

I heard.

[Colin Quinn]

I heard that, Colin. But maybe they're not just friends. Maybe one of them might be a relative. I don't know.

[Mike Sweeney]

Okay. What if he is?

[Robert Smigel]

Wow, this has taken such a dark turn. I hope Colin and Sweeney can get. Get their friendship back.

[Colin Quinn]

Oh my God. Are you kidding me? This is our love language.

[Robert Smigel]

That's nice.

[Colin Quinn]

I. I was just curious. So.

[Robert Smigel]

Okay.

[Colin Quinn]

But they. All these guys happy now?

[Robert Smigel]

You know, I'm happy.

[Colin Quinn]

I'm sorry.

[Robert Smigel]

Listen, they're no relatives. Look, edit it out.

[Colin Quinn]

I'm. Hey, I'm sorry to make things take

[Robert Smigel]

too long to record to know if there are relatives has his answer.

[Colin Quinn]

I was curious, but. But all five of these guys knew your father in law.

[Robert Smigel]

Not all of them.

[Sean (alias for guest)]

I think three of the five knew him. Well, another one had met him.

[Robert Smigel]

Okay, and you got the setup. You. You explained that he is A difficult man.

[Colin Quinn]

Yes.

[Mike Sweeney]

Okay.

[Colin Quinn]

Sorry.

[Robert Smigel]

No, no, no, these are. This is all good. You know, we got some excitement out of that. Colin and Sweeney went toe to toe mixing it up. Yeah, yeah. No, it's good.

[Colin Quinn]

You come down here and say that to my face.

[Robert Smigel]

Yeah. That's why we didn't want Colin.

[Mike Sweeney]

Right, Right.

[Robert Smigel]

Studio. Because the last time.

[Colin Quinn]

Oh, my God.

[Robert Smigel]

You know, the cashews. The cash. That's why we don't have any cashews this time. They just were tossing cashews at each other like nobody's business.

[Colin Quinn]

Anyway, Anyway, sorry, continue.

[Robert Smigel]

Back to the. Back to the show.

[Sean (alias for guest)]

And then this one right here. I've never met such a flat out. As Kevin before. Okay, that one was me.

[Robert Smigel]

That's a good finisher. That's good.

[Sean (alias for guest)]

Kevin was a man of many interests. We all know he loved the Beatles much the way that Hitler loved Wagner. He loved the Beatles and knew all their songs by heart. At work, he would sing I'm Only Sleeping, and he passed that love on to his children.

[Robert Smigel]

Pause it, pause it. I don't think this crowd knows the song I'm Only Sleeping. They're like, so where's the joke? Where's the joke? They're like, you know, should have said at work. He loves. He would sing hey Jude.

[Colin Quinn]

Let's also.

[Robert Smigel]

We know hey Jude.

[Colin Quinn]

It's hard to attack a guy for liking the Beatles, so that's a tough.

[Robert Smigel]

No, I think. Honestly, I think this. Look at these guys. Look at what they're wearing. You think they're Abbey Road enthusiasts.

[Colin Quinn]

You never know.

[Robert Smigel]

I'm Only Sleeping.

[Colin Quinn]

Yeah.

[Robert Smigel]

Not the first song you think of. Yeah. Beatles song. So, you know what? For the real eulogy, we're gonna. We're gonna. We're gonna polish this up and give you a few more based on some recognizable Beatles songs. Then you get to I only Sleeping. I'm only Penny Lane.

[Mike Sweeney]

Since he's right. The mint.

[Colin Quinn]

Or we'll start with flying from Magical Mystery Tour. We know how we got it.

[Mike Sweeney]

No, but the mint. Penny Lane.

[Robert Smigel]

No, you know, that's a good one, Colin. But you know what? I don't want to put another ounce of work into this until I know this guy's dying. Saying. I'm just saying. Sean's gonna call us, you know, like the day before the eulogy, and we're gonna punch up the Beatles part for him.

[Colin Quinn]

Yeah.

[Robert Smigel]

Okay. Let's keep going.

[Sean (alias for guest)]

On the holidays. Hello and goodbye are the only things they say to him.

[Robert Smigel]

That's good.

[Sean (alias for guest)]

When Kevin was young, he was a Freemason and he actually considered joining the priesthood, but he chose instead to skip that step and go right. Right to fondling me. His favorite song to sing to me was I want to hold your hand.

[Robert Smigel]

That probably.

[Sean (alias for guest)]

And I'm probably missing a lot of good qualities Kevin had. You know, generosity. For example, based on how many women he claimed to have sex with in the Dominican Republic, he was clearly not afraid to spend money. And he has three other sons, all in the Yankee farm system. And I'm sorry that my. My wife's stepbrother, big Poppy, could not be here to join us today.

[Robert Smigel]

That's solid if you know the history.

[Sean (alias for guest)]

One thing I know he did right is he helped create my wonderful wife. And based on how gay he probably was, that took determination and sacrifice.

[Robert Smigel]

Oh, my God. By the way, my wife did her part.

[Sean (alias for guest)]

She tried to kill him already with COVID but it didn't stick. But I know that Kevin's in heaven right now. Through some sort of clerical ever error, he's up there complaining about his cloud. I wanted a cumulonimbus cloud and not this fucking cirrus cloud. He's up there disowning famous gay people, and I'm sure he's beating the shit out of Lassie and Rin Tin Tin. Okay, I'm sorry. He's. He's in hell. He's definitely in hell. He's down there jamming with Gacy. Well, I'll miss you, Kevin.

[Mike Sweeney]

Yeah.

[Colin Quinn]

And I'll engage each other.

[Robert Smigel]

Why'd you pause it? No, that's great. That really is, you guys. That was great writing.

[Mike Sweeney]

Great writing and great performing.

[Colin Quinn]

I thank Sean.

[Robert Smigel]

Thank you, Colin.

[Colin Quinn]

Sean, you were great.

[Robert Smigel]

Delivered the jokes really well.

[Mike Sweeney]

Yeah, he delivered them perfectly.

[Robert Smigel]

You delivered them perfectly. I think there are a few moves we can make for the actual.

[Mike Sweeney]

It was a fat, free roast. Boom, boom, boom. So many jokes. It was great, you guys.

[Robert Smigel]

And that's high praise coming from Colin because, you know, if you've ever heard Colin ramble on some of the Holland. No. On some of the Howard Stern roasts. When I've listened to those Howard Stern rose. Colin is the absolute king.

[Colin Quinn]

Colin's a great deal time roaster.

[Robert Smigel]

Like, in other words, he doesn't have to write jokes. He just seemed like Don Rickles. I, I.

[Colin Quinn]

Well, I've just seen him meet people and.

[Robert Smigel]

And do. But.

[Colin Quinn]

But more the Don Rickles, like, nail their personality, nail their weaknesses immediately.

[Robert Smigel]

Right.

[Colin Quinn]

And start busting their chops about. And it's.

[Robert Smigel]

It's just by being intuitive and direct.

[Colin Quinn]

Very intuitive. One of the most intuitive guys, I

[Mike Sweeney]

vote when Don Rickles would go on Johnny, and Johnny would try to say something hip and Don would go, johnny, we're old. It's over.

[Robert Smigel]

It's over. Johnny, it's over. Johnny. Now, he had certain moves that he did with like almost, you know, someone tell Jimmy it's over.

[Mike Sweeney]

But Johnny would be trying to be like in the mix and he would just shut him.

[Robert Smigel]

Right, right. And just shout, shoot him down. And Carson was secure enough that he could laugh and it wasn't like a burn. It was, it's what he wanted to hear. Did you ever get to meet Don Rickles? You must have.

[Mike Sweeney]

Yeah, I mean, I'm sure.

[Robert Smigel]

Did he insult you when you met him?

[Mike Sweeney]

No, no.

[Robert Smigel]

Oh, really? Does he? I was old. I was a producer on Conan or I don't know what I was on Conan. And he looks at me and he says, hello, Rabbi. And then I heard years later that when he met Jon Stewart, he said the exact same thing. Ah, so he's got his moves.

[Colin Quinn]

He's got his moves for the Yehuda. He's got his.

[Mike Sweeney]

How about this? How about this for Sean? Says Sean, my father in law was always a great fan of the Beatles. I wish he could have gotten to meet John outside the Dakota.

[Colin Quinn]

Ah, that's a great one.

[Robert Smigel]

That's a nice one.

[Colin Quinn]

That's a great one.

[Robert Smigel]

That's a nice one. Nice and dark. I love the idea of doing jokes this dark at a eulogy.

[Colin Quinn]

Yes, that one.

[Robert Smigel]

And the fondling one. You want the priest there, the fondling joke. Is he an open casket kind of guy? Guy?

[Colin Quinn]

He's open.

[Sean (alias for guest)]

Yeah. He clings on to some sort of Catholicism that.

[Robert Smigel]

Okay. It's an open casket. Would be pretty, pretty intense to be saying these jokes to an open casket. Oh, right.

[Colin Quinn]

That would be at the wake.

[Robert Smigel]

Not since Trump was roasted by Obama. And, and, well, White House correspondent. Remember Trump's face? He's just like, he might as well have been a, A vertical open casket. He just didn't move.

[Colin Quinn]

Well, the good thing about if you do it at the open casket, that means you're doing it at the wake. And if there's like three or four wake sessions, you get three shots at it, and then we'll end down the best, you know, with the best audience reaction shots. And that's your HBO special.

[Mike Sweeney]

Yes.

[Robert Smigel]

Why don't we turn this into a, a, A different kind of either a special or a recurring NBC show, like America's Funniest Eulogy.

[Colin Quinn]

And he's still alive.

[Robert Smigel]

Which will be.

[Mike Sweeney]

Good idea.

[Robert Smigel]

America's funniest eulogy, and different people compete, and we narrow it down.

[Colin Quinn]

Yeah.

[Robert Smigel]

You know, and Colin's a judge I like.

[Colin Quinn]

And Sean from season one is. Is a recurring judge.

[Robert Smigel]

Sean becomes a judge on season.

[Colin Quinn]

Of course. So did you run any. Any of this by, like, your wife? I'm just curious. Any of this?

[Robert Smigel]

Good question.

[Sean (alias for guest)]

I can't. I can't tell you what joke it was, but I used it in front of her and her mom, and they laughed, like, wildly.

[Robert Smigel]

And I was like, wait, why can't you tell us the which joke?

[Sean (alias for guest)]

I can't remember what it was.

[Robert Smigel]

Oh, that's a good reason. That's a better reason. I wish Biden had used that trick when he was senile. I can't tell you what the plan is. It's top secret. Come on. You don't remember it, do you? You don't remember it. Yeah, I don't remember it.

[Colin Quinn]

You got me.

[Mike Sweeney]

You got me. You got me.

[Colin Quinn]

Anyway, you're still. You didn't get this out of your system by doing the backyard. You're still like, I'm gonna.

[Robert Smigel]

You're still up for doing this when it really happens?

[Sean (alias for guest)]

Yeah. Yeah. It's funny. We. After. After it was over, we all were discussing, like, what parts of it would be most problematic. One guy was like, you're gonna get divorced if you say this part. This part, this part. And another person was very steadfast and being like, no, you say all of

[Colin Quinn]

it because that's who he is.

[Robert Smigel]

You got more than you need. So if there are a couple that have to go, you'll be fine.

[Mike Sweeney]

You're not. They're not gonna let him do this. You guys are crazy. He's not gonna do this.

[Colin Quinn]

Yeah. Now, Colin's right.

[Bethenny Frankel]

Right.

[Mike Sweeney]

Well, what if he ch. Are you going to show your face

[Sean (alias for guest)]

if you do it, or are you

[Mike Sweeney]

going to change your face?

[Sean (alias for guest)]

I'll do it as, like, a mascot. We'll do the Rocky's mascot dinger. Like,

[Colin Quinn]

who is that guy, Sean? Or eulogized my father.

[Robert Smigel]

Okay, well, all right. Colin, Are you serious? You think. You think this entire show has been folly and that he can't possibly do this eulogy?

[Mike Sweeney]

There's no way he could do this.

[Robert Smigel]

I don't know.

[Mike Sweeney]

He could maybe do it.

[Robert Smigel]

He came to us with this idea. We didn't.

[Mike Sweeney]

It's a great idea, but I like the TV show idea too, but I'm just saying, he can't get up memorial service and roast again. There's gonna be the front seats are always the oldest relatives in the room. He probably isn't.

[Robert Smigel]

It's gonna be a night. Okay. All right, we'll see. We'll continue to follow up with you, Sean, if. If anything happens and if the show

[Colin Quinn]

still exists, I feel contractually, I mean, Sean did it in the yard, his friends enjoyed it.

[Robert Smigel]

I. I feel contractually he's obligated to follow through. No, he's done his job.

[Colin Quinn]

Yeah. Trying to get us off out of liability for whatever happens here.

[Mike Sweeney]

So, Sean, would you be willing to

[Sean (alias for guest)]

let your father in law come on our podcast and listen to or watch?

[Mike Sweeney]

No.

[Sean (alias for guest)]

Eulogy? No. Maybe I'll wait until he's in, like, hospice care and then I'll.

[Robert Smigel]

Yeah, where he can't hurt him. No, he's reaching out for.

[Colin Quinn]

I get you. I get you.

[Robert Smigel]

You make the hospice, the nurse cry.

[Mike Sweeney]

I barely know the man and I can't believe this.

[Robert Smigel]

This is so inappropriate.

[Colin Quinn]

He's a monster. We'll put you up to this, Frank.

[Robert Smigel]

Wow. All right.

[Sean (alias for guest)]

Well.

[Colin Quinn]

All right.

[Robert Smigel]

Yeah. I think Mike's right. I think we've done all we can do, and the rest is up to you and God. So you and God get together and figure out when he dies, who does what. Running order of jokes.

[Sean (alias for guest)]

I don't think God will be involved in that.

[Robert Smigel]

Oh, wow. Maybe Colin wants to do that.

[Colin Quinn]

You don't need us.

[Robert Smigel]

Let's end it on the darkest thought imaginable.

[Mike Sweeney]

No, I'm a judge on the show.

[Robert Smigel]

No, that's. Yeah. No. We are going to spin this off into America's funniest.

[Colin Quinn]

Yes.

[Robert Smigel]

Yeah. We're all going to need work after this episode. All right. Thank you so much. Thanks, Sean. Thank you, Colin. Thank you, Mike, buddy, thanks. This was a lot of fun somehow.

[Mike Sweeney]

Nice, guys.

[Robert Smigel]

See you next time.

[Sean (alias for guest)]

Meeting you guys on humor.

[Robert Smigel]

Humor Me with Robert Smigel and friends is a production of iHeartMedia and Big Money Players, created by Michelle Sack Smigel, who executive produces with her loving husband Robert. Produced by Frank Stinky Smiley, executive producer for I Heart, Jana Cagle. Video producer Daniel Goodman. Additional material by David Cyrus, David Feldman, Hannah Feldman, Amanda Melson. Edited by Robert Ash Humor Me Theme song composed and sung by Tay Zonday. Don't forget to subscribe and follow to get new episodes of Humor Me each week. And while you're there, rate and review the show. That is, if you liked it. If you didn't, then this conversation never happened. And we'll see you next week.

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Hey everyone, it's Kalpen. I'm inviting you to join the best sounding book club you've ever heard with my podcast, The Audible and iHeart Audiobook Club. Every episode, I nerd out with amazing guests and dive into the best new audiobooks available on Audible. It's the book club for your ears. Listen to Earsay the Audible and iHeart Audiobook Club on the iHeartradio app or wherever you get your podcasts.

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