Dave Attell and Dino Stamatopoulos

Summary

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Humor Me with Robert Smigel and Friends

Episode: Dave Attell and Dino Stamatopoulos

Published: July 10, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this hilariously unhinged episode of Humor Me, host Robert Smigel is joined by comedy heavyweights Dave Attell, Dino Stamatopoulos, and a panel of comedic writers (including David Feldman and Frank Smiley) to tackle a unique caller request: helping a man named Kevin make light of an embarrassing bathroom incident that’s become office legend. The group debates the art of owning your most humiliating moments—and attempts to punch up Kevin’s strategy for shaking the “Big Dumper” nickname at his Las Vegas acting school. Amid chaos, inside jokes, and relentless riffs, the group guides Kevin through using humor to reframe embarrassment, culminating in a wild “intervention” and an even wilder aftermath.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Introducing the Problem: The Office "Big Dumper"

• [02:22] Kevin calls in with a very real workplace issue: after an uncontrollable bathroom emergency and subsequent teasing, he’s now known as “Big Dumps” at work.
• [02:50] Panelists riff on classic nicknames, with Dino pitching “Dumpelstiltskin.”

Quote:
Dino: “Ever call you Dumpelstiltskin?” [02:50]

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2. Owning Embarrassment: Should You Fight or Embrace It?

• [07:01] Robert describes Kevin’s brutal honesty as heroic, and the comedians debate approaches: stand up to bullies, lean in and rebrand the joke, or escalate as only comedians can.
• [14:03] Dino jokes about being “the most available guest” and notes the rare heartfelt compliments flying on the show.

Quote:
Robert: “The more you are bothered by this, the more they get out of it.” [48:55]

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3. Comedy Workshop: Strategies to Handle Toilet-Related Teasing

• Sympathy Play:
  • Claim it’s a medical/water conservation issue, or blame it on family history.
  • “My dad had that nickname when he was in Nam.” – David Feldman, riffing on legacy and pride
• Rebranding:
  • Suggests embracing monikers like “The Eliminator,” “Mr. Healthy,” or “Dumpelstiltskin.”
  • “Rebrand and make it a cool thing.” – Robert, [31:09]
• Aggressive Escalation:
  • Threaten bigger and better dumps as comeback to the teasing.
  • “The ultimate revenge is to live well. Kevin the serial dumper. You never know when he'll strike.” – Robert, [45:01]

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4. Las Vegas Acting School Tangents and Lessons

• [32:04] Kevin’s real-life context emerges: he’s an acting teacher in Vegas, confronting ridicule in front of students (some aspiring to be porn stars or showgirls).
• [33:24] The panel jokes about the town’s unique mix—students interested in unusual career paths, Vegas’s notorious anything-goes reputation, and why bathroom mishaps are a small sin locally.

Quote:
Dino: “One man's problem is another man's kink... You’re probably sitting on a gold mine.” [34:09]

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5. Writing the Speech & Performance Feedback

• [37:00–48:00] Panel crafts ideas for Kevin’s open letter/speech—should be self-deprecating, perhaps defiant, but always funny and self-aware.
• [76:48]–[77:46] Kevin’s actual speech at his acting school’s party: riffs on legacy, creativity (“surely you could’ve called me something more clever!”), courtesy flushing, and suffering for one’s art.
• The panel watches and critiques Kevin’s performance, noting where he went “off-book” and missed punchlines.

Notable Exchanges:

• Kevin’s Speech:
  “The concept that I am alone in the act of having ever found a restroom with my intestinal pong seems a little far-fetched… I am beseeching all of you to rethink ridiculing me about this extremely natural occurrence.” [68:26]
• Panel Critique:
  Robert: “You’re already going rogue… smelted-delted jokes.” [66:38]

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6. Did Kevin Triumph? (Or Fail?)

• The panel debates if the whole scene—boss, party, plunger-gift—was a real and sincere intervention or an elaborate setup. Some suspect the party was staged for the show.

Quote:
Frank Smiley: “I think the whole party was fabricated. They don't usually have a Christmas party. It was sort of set up for us, and everybody thought this was their big ticket out of Vegas.” [80:54]

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7. Aftermath and Absurd Solutions

• [83:08]–[86:31] As it emerges Kevin may have been fired (or not?), the group pitches next steps: start a rival acting school, take the act on the road, or just leave Las Vegas.
• The group ends with existential riffs about truth, comedy, being bamboozled, and having your “no-life” wasted.

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Memorable Quotes & Moments

• Dave Attell quietly summing up:
  “The ultimate revenge is to live well. Kevin the serial dumper. You never know when he'll strike.” [45:01]
• Dino’s Vegas wisdom:
  “In a town where anything goes, this is the line?” [36:42]
• Robert’s battleground advice:
  “The more you are bothered by this, the more they get out of it. The best way for me is: find another thing to make fun of you for, act really offended, and they'll never make fun of the first one again.” [48:55]
• On courtesy flushing:
  David Feldman: “As I'm pushing, I'm flushing. Because I don't want anyone to even hear it happening.” [28:55]

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Notable Segments & Timestamps

| Timestamp | Segment | Details | |-----------|---------|---------| | 02:22 | First introduction of Kevin’s problem | Kevin describes the bathroom incident and subsequent hazing at work | | 25:51 | “Crab raccoon” and Vegas bathroom humor | Panel riffs on dangerous office lunch choices | | 37:00–48:00 | Collaborative punch-up of Kevin’s letter/speech | How to be self-deprecating but win over the office | | 61:14–84:47 | Follow-up: Kevin’s speech, aftermath, panel reaction | Live party speech, panel's harsh/funny critique, is it all a bamboozle? |

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Final Thoughts & Show Tone

• Humor Style: A mix of roast, deadpan, and meta-commentary, heavy on inside jokes and “riffing the riff.”
• Takeaway: The power of humor to deflate shame, but also to question authenticity and the fourth wall—especially when comedians are involved. The episode blurs the line between helping, mocking, and enabling, ultimately proving "humor is both weapon and shield."
• Show energy: Chaotic, improvisational, and joyfully unscripted, with genuine affection and playful jabs among comedy veterans.

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Quick Reference: Speaker Key

• Robert: Robert Smigel, host
• Dino: Dino Stamatopoulos, comedy writer/producer
• Dave: Dave Attell, comedian
• David Feldman: Comedy writer & panelist
• Frank Smiley: Producer/comedian
• Kevin: The caller/"Big Dumper"

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For Listeners Who Missed the Episode

If you want a masterclass on turning humiliation into humor and how an all-star comedy panel dissect a single awkward moment to its atomic parts (and still manage to lose the plot), this episode is for you. You’ll walk away with advice for any “Big Dump” situation—whether at work, onstage, or in the fraught bathroom of life.

Transcript

[Yamaneika Saunders]

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[Robert Smigel]

Holy smokes. This is big. You know the podcast? I do that. You heard right. Humor me with Robert Smigel and friends. Well, now you can see it. See it with your own eyes. Watch all your favorite podcasts. Full episodes from start to finish, free in the iHeart app. Hey, Jonas Las Culturistas. Post Run High. All of them in the iHeart app for free. You've heard the voices now see the moments. I didn't write that I heart app free.

[Yamaneika Saunders]

Can superstars even exist the way they used to?

[Robert Smigel]

2016 was sort of that last era of monoculture where we still consumed things in community.

[Yamaneika Saunders]

Everybody wanted to be Beyonce at that point.

[Robert Smigel]

Ah, I don't think we'll ever see another Rihanna.

[Yamaneika Saunders]

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[Michael Rapaport]

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[Chuck Bryant]

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[Robert Smigel]

This week on Humor Me, I have

[Kevin (Caller)]

a bit of a problem with my boss because I use the bathroom at the office and all of a sudden my stomach just started gurgling and I had to take a massive, massive dump. Now I'm sort of getting kind of hazed by the Employees. Because they're like, oh, would you like to take another big dump?

[Robert Smigel]

Wow.

[Dave Attell]

He's been calling me big dumps. Dumpers. The big dump truck. And you just won't leave me alone with it.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Maybe. Ever call you Dumpelstiltskin?

[Robert Smigel]

You're an acting teacher, right? So you could say maybe it's a form of method acting that you pulled something from deep inside.

[David Feldman]

Yeah. Or at least say, push something from deep inside.

[Robert Smigel]

Pulled it and then pulled it and then pushed it.

[David Feldman]

Yeah.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

At least say, seeing after you take it down.

[Dave Attell]

Back in July of this year, there was a bathroom incident. I had some bad sushi that day. And sadly to say, he smelled it. I had dealt it.

[Robert Smigel]

You're already going rogue.

[David Feldman]

Off book. Yeah, yeah.

[Robert Smigel]

You're off book. You didn't. You're doing smelted delted jokes.

[David Feldman]

Yeah, we would never.

[Robert Smigel]

You know, this is. Dino wrote, moral oral.

[David Feldman]

Our intellectual humor is not going to work.

[Robert Smigel]

Yeah, it's going to work.

[David Feldman]

Our intellectual poop humor.

[Robert Smigel]

I got a speech to make. A job interview. I don't know what to say. Hell, what to do. Humor me. I'm not funny. Hum of me. Well, I'm looking for some riders who won't give me posit. You me.

[Kevin (Caller)]

Give me.

[Robert Smigel]

Humor me, baby.

[Chuck Bryant]

Wow.

[Kevin (Caller)]

Wow.

[David Feldman]

Weird Rob Ankovic.

[Robert Smigel]

Who? Weird Rob Ankovic.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Was that you?

[David Feldman]

It had to be.

[Robert Smigel]

Bruce worked really hard on this.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

That's amazing.

[Robert Smigel]

Bruce. He would call me at three in the morning some nights. Hey, is it. What do you think is funnier? Bursitis or phlebitis? I'm like, bruce, I just. Whatever you think.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

You know what I'm doing right now, I'm humoring you. I figured I'd start it out.

[Robert Smigel]

That's good. That's good.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Thanks for having me on.

[David Feldman]

You're not really a friend, though.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

I'm more of an advocate.

[Robert Smigel]

He's a great friend,

[David Feldman]

and that's a strong word.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

We're two zooms away from being colleagues. That's the way I.

[Robert Smigel]

We used to be colleagues.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Really?

[Daniel Alarcon]

When?

[Robert Smigel]

Well, technically, you were at Saturday Night Live. Actually, I wasn't there that year, so. No, that wasn't.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

There's no way we can compare my Saturday night life to yours. You were a bright. I was a guy sitting the chair much like this.

[Robert Smigel]

The only thing I have on you. It's the only thing I have on you. Dave's the funniest. Let me say this. A writer, Todd Levin, who wanted to be here today, one of the great Conan writers, said to me, the only time I've ever laughed so hard that I fell out of my chair. Was watching Davitel at Caroline's.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Wow.

[Robert Smigel]

He felt he physically fell out of

[David Feldman]

his chair, but he has that mess also.

[Robert Smigel]

He has ms, and Dave knew that. Dave knew that. I think there's a class action suit.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

I had the edge. Well, what I like about this show is not only is it gratuitous.

[David Feldman]

Laughs.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Let's face it.

[Frank Smiley]

Jesus.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

I mean, look at the crew. They're having a great time, but it's also. We get honeys.

[Robert Smigel]

I call them the Hee Haw Honey.

[David Feldman]

I brought cheesesteaks just so they'd laugh more at me.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

That's fantastic.

[Robert Smigel]

No, listen, you. I. I basically. Dave. We all know Dave from his days at the Gong Show.

[David Feldman]

Yeah.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

That was terrible.

[Robert Smigel]

You weren't terrible.

[David Feldman]

I was there on the Gong Show.

[Dave Attell]

Yeah.

[Robert Smigel]

I. I got.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Oh, I wish. The real one, not the reboot.

[Robert Smigel]

They did a reboot. Made him the host. He should have been the funniest panelist.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Oh, well.

[Robert Smigel]

Because you tear things apart the way you're tearing me apart right now. Very skillfully. They call it disrupting. Yes. And you do it in a very funny way. Any second now, I'm gonna fall out of my chair.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Well, yeah. No, I mean, I wouldn't. You know, that was something I did for a mortgage. But you know what?

[Robert Smigel]

That reminds me of something else. Yeah. After we did it.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Yeah.

[Robert Smigel]

I have an autistic son, as you know, and I do fundraisers, and Dave asked me about it, and I. And, like, again, we're not really friends.

[David Feldman]

Right.

[Dave Attell]

Let's face.

[David Feldman]

And that's strong.

[Robert Smigel]

To colleagues.

[David Feldman]

Yeah.

[Robert Smigel]

Acquaint the colleagues. He hears about my fundraiser, pulls out a checkbook, writes a $5,000 check, and hands it to me.

[David Feldman]

Oh, my God.

[Robert Smigel]

No one's ever done that.

[David Feldman]

No. And you're Jewish, right?

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Yeah. Hey, that's amazing.

[Robert Smigel]

No, we will stay. Well, no, the beauty is that it not. It bounced. Incredibly

[Paul Verzi]

impressive.

[David Feldman]

Come on, y'.

[Dave Attell]

All.

[Robert Smigel]

No, I mean vertical le on this check. It's like 44 inches.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Did you see the Dave.

[Robert Smigel]

Dave's checks? Tried out for the Knicks.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

You did me a solid. That's why I owe you big time, is because I did a showcase, like a standup showcase, and I wanted your friend to be on it, and you made that happen.

[Robert Smigel]

Triumphy. Yeah.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

You put out the comic signal or whatever, however you get in touch with them.

[David Feldman]

I know the name. A Triumph the Comic. Insult Comedy. No, Insult Dog.

[Robert Smigel]

I get Comic the Insult Dog a lot, but, yes, I did. I did that.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

That Was great. That was. I look back on that as, like. Like, I finally got to work with Triumph.

[Robert Smigel]

That was awesome.

[David Feldman]

So, you know, you.

[Robert Smigel]

You, Triumph will work with you anytime.

[David Feldman]

You brought Triumph over to my place once in the 90s, and my friend Tom Bell was there, and it. Triumph was just laying on the table just like his head. And my friend came. He's like, I can't. I'm starstruck by that puppet.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Yeah.

[David Feldman]

Just this dead thing.

[Frank Smiley]

Yeah.

[Robert Smigel]

Lifeless.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Yeah.

[Robert Smigel]

Nothing's more funnier than a lifeless puppet.

[David Feldman]

Yeah.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

You know, I wanted to ask you.

[Robert Smigel]

Or a chimpanzee without his clothes on.

[David Feldman]

Oh, my God.

[Daniel Alarcon]

We did.

[David Feldman]

We once did a bit on Conan where it was a chimpanzee, like, being interviewed by Bob Costas and.

[Kevin (Caller)]

Yeah.

[David Feldman]

And they put a wig on him on the chimpanzee, and he looked in the mirror and went, oh, my God. And it scared the out of me.

[Robert Smigel]

Wait, who went?

[David Feldman]

The chimpanzee.

[Robert Smigel]

The chimpanzee made an. Oh, my God.

[David Feldman]

Well, you know, I mean, I felt like he said, oh, my God.

[Robert Smigel]

As chimpily as possible.

[David Feldman]

Yeah. As simply as possible.

[Robert Smigel]

That's amazing.

[David Feldman]

Yeah. And that ever since then, I've been afraid because they're so close to us.

[Robert Smigel]

Well, my favorite.

[David Feldman]

They'll tear your face and balls off.

[Dave Attell]

Yeah.

[Robert Smigel]

And they're also like the people who bring them into these comedy shows.

[David Feldman]

Yeah.

[Robert Smigel]

They don't know what the they're doing.

[David Feldman]

No, these.

[Robert Smigel]

They're animal handlers.

[David Feldman]

They call them.

[Robert Smigel]

We used to call them animal havers. That was their skill.

[David Feldman]

Oh, I remember there was one point where they were changing the chimp's clothes and he came in naked.

[Robert Smigel]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[David Feldman]

Because an animal.

[Robert Smigel]

Celebrity chimps are always dressed. And we saw him naked.

[David Feldman]

We were like, oh, that poor chimp must be humiliated.

[Robert Smigel]

Nowadays, it's like, sneak a picture and post it. The hits you'd get seeing them naked. Dino and I had. You know how you pitch shows to. You don't know?

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Yeah, kind of.

[Frank Smiley]

Yeah.

[Robert Smigel]

We pitched a show to Comedy Central once, and Dino kept calling the executive baby face. He was like, 26 year old.

[David Feldman]

Yeah. He was kind of chubby.

[Robert Smigel]

And you were adorable. I'm pretty sure you were drunk as I am now. No, you're not totally drunk.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

A little.

[David Feldman]

A little. Is it okay, Thistle? It's a. It's fine, right?

[Robert Smigel]

Yeah, we will. Yeah, we'll. We'll see if it's fine.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

He did one of the best shows, like Adult Swim, which I think everybody pitched there. You finally got something in there.

[David Feldman]

Yeah.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

It's so difficult. It's like. It's like. It's moral oral. That one. Like, you liked it?

[Daniel Alarcon]

Really?

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Me and my friend Dave Jeska, who's a mutual friend of ours, very funny guy. We were like, oh, my God, this is great. Because we grew up watching.

[David Feldman]

I want people like you talking about it.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Yeah. No, I'm like, yeah, Davy and Goliath was so. We'd always make fun of it when we were kids, and now, like, you did it. Like, you did it for everybody. So.

[David Feldman]

Yeah, well, that.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

That show deserved way more props.

[David Feldman]

Yeah. Well, maybe if you talked about it more.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

I'm doing it right now.

[Chuck Bryant]

Aren't.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

I mean, I am carrying the show. Let's face it.

[Robert Smigel]

Look at the thing. It's a thing. You're a great disruptor. You should not. It's like, you would have been an Amazing Race panelist. I thought we'd do on the Gong Show.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Thank you.

[Robert Smigel]

Just like. You know who's like this? Colin Quinn.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Like, Colin is great.

[Robert Smigel]

Yeah. But he hosts one of my heroes. Yeah, he hosted Tough credit. He should have been one of the arguers. Guys like you should never say, we'll be right back.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Really?

[Robert Smigel]

You're too good for that.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Okay.

[Robert Smigel]

You're too funny.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Wow.

[Robert Smigel]

It's like a compromise for you to say, we'll be right back.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

I don't know what to say.

[Robert Smigel]

You shouldn't be running things. You should be tearing things down.

[David Feldman]

Listen to me. You should start drinking again.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Thank you. Look at the two. Devil and angel on each shoulder here.

[Robert Smigel]

I know we're supposed to help this. This other.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Yeah, no, this other.

[Robert Smigel]

But he's happy to help you. I'm more than happy to help Dan.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

I'm doing just fine. I'm almost 40 years in, and then I'm pulling the plug. Yeah. Next stop, online gambling. That's where I'm headed. How about you?

[Robert Smigel]

Okay. If. If they could give Triumph one of those commercials where you prance through a casino.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Yes.

[Robert Smigel]

Like, you know, Ben Affleck on one side and Jamie Foxx on the other. We're here to. Yes. It's gambling.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

I love it.

[Robert Smigel]

So glamorous. It's not like masturbating in your bathroom while your mother doesn't see you gambling online. It's nothing like that. It's like prancing around with Jamie Foxx.

[David Feldman]

What good is it, masturbating your bathroom if your mother doesn't want you?

[Robert Smigel]

She's right outside.

[Dave Attell]

Wow.

[David Feldman]

I want her in fear.

[Robert Smigel]

You want her in there?

[David Feldman]

Yeah.

[Robert Smigel]

Okay.

[David Feldman]

Because My. Because my mother.

[Robert Smigel]

Not that evolved. It's.

[David Feldman]

My mother just died and I. I would.

[Robert Smigel]

Oh, so that would be a way

[David Feldman]

of seeing her again and anything to see her again.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

That's what she's there.

[Robert Smigel]

Wouldn't it be great if that's all it took?

[David Feldman]

I remember. I remember. I remember once. I don't think I should tell this story, but anyway, I was gonna take a shower and my dad walked in and I'm like, hey, I don't want you looking at me. And. And he's like, come on, you're my son. And I'm like, would you want your dad looking at you? He's like, my dad's dead. I would do anything to have him see me.

[Robert Smigel]

That's the best way to win an argument. Now pull out your dick. So I just show your father your dick.

[David Feldman]

I just did a version of that.

[Dave Attell]

So.

[David Feldman]

So I stole from my dad. Really?

[Robert Smigel]

Okay. So.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Oh, sorry.

[Robert Smigel]

No, please.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

No, please, no, please. I was going to say two things. One of them, why I love Triumph. First of all, not like. Like the most.

[Robert Smigel]

Before you do.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Yeah.

[Robert Smigel]

I pride myself on this show, like, having fewer compliments than any other podcast. Because think about it.

[David Feldman]

Okay. Well, you're most nice.

[Robert Smigel]

There's conversations, but there's so much profuse complimenting between. And I just was trying to get away.

[David Feldman]

Well, I don't like either of you too.

[Robert Smigel]

I love both of you.

[David Feldman]

Oh, God damn it.

[Robert Smigel]

I already.

[David Feldman]

Here he goes again.

[Robert Smigel]

Made the falling out of the chair. Well, because he is the funnies. We all know that.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Yeah.

[Robert Smigel]

Say something about trying.

[David Feldman]

No, no, no, no.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

I was just gonna say, first of all, I'm the most available. I always know when you call me that means five other people said no.

[David Feldman]

That's not true at all.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Let's put it on the table.

[David Feldman]

I was very excited to be on the show with you.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

You were?

[Frank Smiley]

Yeah.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

That's cool.

[Robert Smigel]

Jeffrey Ross said no. That's the only person.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

All right, well, Jeff is busy with his one man joke. In terms of the compliments, I rarely get to see either one of you, so that's why they're pouring out. Everyone is heartfelt. What I was going to say is this. What I love about Triumph is he didn't go political like the rest of the comics of our generation.

[Robert Smigel]

He doesn't go after one side.

[David Feldman]

Yeah.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

That's kind of what I'm kind of

[Robert Smigel]

above everything that is eternal. That is.

[Michael Rapaport]

Are you saying he doesn't have an opinion?

[David Feldman]

Go fuck. Fuck Triumph.

[Robert Smigel]

Yeah. Come on.

[David Feldman]

How does he feel about the Israeli thing.

[Robert Smigel]

Oh, God. Triumph is like. I was a triumph. Triumph's been oddly silent for someone. It's not really. Sorry.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Sorry I brought it up now.

[David Feldman]

I brought it up. I brought up Israel.

[Robert Smigel]

He brought up Israel. He brought up.

[David Feldman]

How do you feel about Israel?

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

What's that?

[Robert Smigel]

Don't ask him.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Well, since you kind of dress like you're about to speak at the Knesset, I figured, hardest laugh of the show so far. Boom, I'm out of here.

[David Feldman]

Yeah, it's by me.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

And he doesn't even.

[Robert Smigel]

And he isn't even dressed that way.

[Dave Attell]

Way.

[Robert Smigel]

It just worked. It just worked. It's like when Milton Burl. There's an old story where Milton Burl, like, he just said, gobbledygook.

[Kevin (Caller)]

I'm gonna go.

[Robert Smigel]

And he just went on stage and said jokes that didn't make sense, but the rhythm was so perfect that the audience died laughing. Oh, and that was like your Knesset joke.

[David Feldman]

I don't even understand the.

[Dave Attell]

That is.

[David Feldman]

That is.

[Robert Smigel]

That is vintage Knesset in Israel.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

No ties, but blazer all the time.

[David Feldman]

I. I laughed because I didn't understand the joke.

[Robert Smigel]

That's right. That's why it felt funny.

[David Feldman]

That's.

[Robert Smigel]

That's a gift.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

That's a gift.

[Dave Attell]

Yeah.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Well, I think I'll treat myself to a pen and a pad.

[Robert Smigel]

Pen and a pad.

[Frank Smiley]

This is.

[Robert Smigel]

Has nothing to do.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

What did you really think was going to happen here with all this? Take two.

[Robert Smigel]

Take two.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

What. What's happening here? Like, what is a deposition?

[Robert Smigel]

That's just to remind yourself to call your manager and complain later.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

I'm having the best time.

[David Feldman]

I think the guy's falling asleep.

[Robert Smigel]

No, no, he's not the guy. He's so much more than that.

[David Feldman]

Okay, okay.

[Robert Smigel]

You know what? Holy smokes, this is big. You know the podcast I do that. You heard right. Humor me with Robert Smigel and friends. Well, now you can see it. See it with your own eyes. Watch all your favorite podcasts. Full episodes from start to finish, free in the I Heart app. Hey, Jonas. Las Culturistas post Run High. All of them in the iHeart app for free. You've heard the voices. Now see the moments. I didn't write that I Heart app. Free.

[Paul Verzi]

Hey, guys, Paul Verze here, and I want to talk to you about Paul's best podcast, Will Ferrell's Big Money Players Network and iHeartRadio. I sit down each week with a special guest and we discuss the absolute, absolute best of things. Davidson.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

It's that and then there's everything else.

[Paul Verzi]

He would just shout one line.

[Robert Smigel]

Yeah, it would murder.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Marie, lunch.

[Paul Verzi]

Let's talk about the best moments that we had on the road. I would love a cocktail. Dude. Joker, get last row, middle seat on a Southwest Airlines flight. Joe, how was your fight?

[Robert Smigel]

It was great.

[Paul Verzi]

The guy, we were on the field and the player thought Joe was his former coach, and he hugged him and hugged him, and Joe just went with it.

[Robert Smigel]

The guy goes, what are you doing here, coach?

[Dave Attell]

And Joe just goes.

[Robert Smigel]

And you walk in, and it is bananas. I mean, it's a feast for the eyes. And I was like, it's like. It's not my thing either, but we're here.

[Paul Verzi]

When in Rome, top athletes, chefs, musicians, everybody listen to Paul's best podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

[John Green]

The World cup is underwave and it's been incredible. On our podcast, the Away End, with Daniel Alarcon and John Green, we're talking about the games that have delighted us, the teams that have inspired us, what we're loving and what surprised us all through the lens of being massive fans of the world's most beautiful game.

[Daniel Alarcon]

Daniel, this tournament has been magical so far. The expanded field of teams has created some incredible matchups that have already made this World cup one to remember. And now things get even more exciting with the intensity of the knockout rounds as the field is whittled down to one World cup champion on July 19th.

[John Green]

When you say it like that, I get a pain in my heart that the tournament is over. But there's a lot of soccer yet to go, and if the first few games of the round of 32 are any indication, anything is possible in the lead up to the final. We've got it covered from an ultra's perspective here on the away end.

[Daniel Alarcon]

So listen to the away End with Daniel Alarcon and John green on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast.

[Chelsea Handler]

This is Chelsea Handler from Dear Chelsea. Every week the news gets worse, the world gets crazier, and Yamanika is here to tell whoever's responsible, you're the problem.

[Yamaneika Saunders]

If you come over here to play games, I'mma check you, okay? If you do some in the news that don't sound good, I' ma play you.

[Chelsea Handler]

Join Yamaneka Saunders as she breaks down the week's most problematic stories on her new podcast. You're the problem with Yamaneika.

[Yamaneika Saunders]

Do you know, I just found out who Sydney Sweeney was.

[Chelsea Handler]

New episodes weekly every Wednesday as part of my new network. The Dear Chelsea Network.

[Yamaneika Saunders]

If he got a bunch of women, then I should have a bunch of men do better or do less so I don't have to do so much.

[Chelsea Handler]

So join Yamaneika each episode as she answers one question. Who's the problem?

[Yamaneika Saunders]

I'm Yamaneika, and I'm out. Listen to youo're the Problem with Yamanika. Starting on July 15th on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcast.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

This poor gentleman needs. We're gonna.

[Robert Smigel]

We're gonna play. Let's play. Let's play the audio tape that he called in with.

[David Feldman]

Okay?

[Frank Smiley]

We.

[Robert Smigel]

We take requests for people who need our help, make something funnier. A task they have that they're nervous about, and they call in to speakpipe.com. this is the recording of what our guest said. It's okay. We can edit it. We will.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

This editor has a hard.

[Robert Smigel]

Oh, my God.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Big day ahead of them.

[David Feldman]

Oh, yeah.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

I can't take them. See, on these kind of tech problems, you're supposed to go. This reminds me of time on SNL when the camera blob. You know, that's who's supposed to cover with. He was on the set of Bah Manimal.

[Robert Smigel]

No, it was. John Goodman was hosting, and Lauren went out and did 20 minutes. One of those things, folks, where, you know, you just have to roll with it. Okay, who's from Kentucky?

[David Feldman]

Kentucky.

[Robert Smigel]

Have you seen this Mitch McConnell guy? What if Mitch McConnell posted a late night sh. I think, and Steve agreed that it might go something like this, and then

[David Feldman]

he runs off stage.

[Robert Smigel]

This is really taking a while while we're here. It's an embarrassing situation. I won't get into it until we hear the video, but have you guys ever done anything that's the most embarrassing thing Dino or Dave done in the workplace?

[David Feldman]

I guess not.

[Robert Smigel]

You have so many.

[David Feldman]

Not being embarrassing is the most embarrassing thing to me.

[Robert Smigel]

I. I love nothing embarrassing. Embarrassing for a conventional person.

[David Feldman]

All right.

[Robert Smigel]

For a person who has. Who's capable of shame. Sorry, I forgot to. I forgot to include that caveat.

[David Feldman]

Right? Yeah.

[Robert Smigel]

Yeah.

[David Feldman]

That's a tough one.

[Robert Smigel]

Where do you. Were you to grasp the concept?

[David Feldman]

I did. This isn't in a workplace, but once in class, I was in kindergarten and the kid in front of me peed and started crying, and the teacher just took him and, oh, it's okay. It's all right. It's okay. And I'm like, oh, it's okay. And I had to pee, so I. I just started peeing. I'M like. I'm like, teacher proudly. And she's like. She looks at me. She, like, rolls her eyes.

[Robert Smigel]

How old were you?

[David Feldman]

Four. Whatever you are in kindergarten.

[Robert Smigel]

Oh, man.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Like, 15.

[David Feldman]

What am I? Me?

[Robert Smigel]

Good. Oh, no. If you have one. Embarrassing. Caught in the workplace.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Well, first of all, I was embarrassed to actually. My dad had a bridal shop, so I worked there as a. As a boy. All my friends had cooler jobs. You know, like, I'm working at, you know, the Burger Shack. I'm doing, you know, this whenever I'm, like, there with, like, people sewing, dresses, all that kind of stuff. But we used to rent tuxedos, and they would come back from, like, you know, proms and wedding stuff like that with, like, all these weird stains on them. But I was so young, I didn't know what the stains were. So I'm always like, dad, what is. You know, like, dad, this won't come out. It's not coming out. It's like, I believe that some guy had a discharge, you know, like some guy didn't, you know, complete the mission. I'm like, I don't. I wasn't in the Navy. What?

[David Feldman]

I love that. I love that you're the one embarrassed in. The guy who brought it in isn't.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

I was going to say, maybe there's a connection here. Were you in a tuxedo?

[David Feldman]

I probably. It was probably me.

[Robert Smigel]

Oh, we're back. Okay.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Okay, this guy finally moved.

[Robert Smigel]

All right, we're going to hear what. We're going to hear what our caller, whose name is Kevin, had to say.

[Dave Attell]

Hey, Roberts.

[Kevin (Caller)]

Michael, it's Kevin from Las Vegas. I have a bit of a problem with my boss because I used the bathroom at the office, and I just had sushi, and all of a sudden my stomach just started gurgling, and I had to take a massive, massive dump. The one that you can't really do anything about, like, no foot breeze or anything. And apparently they just cleaned it, and I made sure it was still clean, but as soon as I came out, the co workers were commenting on it, and I didn't know what to do, what to say. But now I'm sort of getting kind of hazed by the employees because they're like, oh, would you like to take another big dump? And they're calling me Big dump. So I don't know what to do about it. You know, there's no HR department where I work or anything like that, but I don't know what to do. So I'm seeking your advice. So thank you very Much.

[Chuck Bryant]

Wow.

[Robert Smigel]

Okay, here he is.

[Paul Verzi]

Hi.

[David Feldman]

Kevin.

[Robert Smigel]

Kevin, Kevin.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

What's up?

[Robert Smigel]

Kevin Michaels. No relation to Lorne Michaels. Right. Well, first of all, I want to commend you for coming here because the word bravery is tossed around. No, you're a hero, somewhat recklessly. And for you to come here and share this. Now, I just want to get it clear what happened. You ate food and came out. Is that right? That's what happens to all of us.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

All you can eat sushi, Is that right?

[Dave Attell]

Is a very bad idea. I don't know who invented that.

[Robert Smigel]

Yeah, it's a bad idea. But it happened to you, and you're sharing it with us, and that's the brave part.

[David Feldman]

So what kind of food would you eat?

[Robert Smigel]

Now he says he eats sushi, but my producer, Frank, said that you said it was different food. And so I was.

[Dave Attell]

Well, yeah, my. The woman who owns the business, she also ordered some various other things that they had there.

[Robert Smigel]

Like what?

[Dave Attell]

Crab.

[Robert Smigel]

What?

[David Feldman]

Crap crab or crap crab?

[Robert Smigel]

Crab.

[Dave Attell]

A soft bee with a B. Yeah.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Okay, can I interrupt?

[Dave Attell]

Crab raccoon.

[Robert Smigel]

Please interrupt.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Vegas is known for its crab. Now, I would say, even though it came out of liquor, known for its crab.

[Robert Smigel]

And it's known for craps.

[Michael Rapaport]

Yes.

[David Feldman]

Oh, yeah.

[Robert Smigel]

So, which. That joke is even more embarrassing than what he did in the toilet.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Proceed.

[Robert Smigel]

Proceed. What were you about to say?

[Dave Attell]

I have no more consonants. I proceeded to destroy the bathroom.

[Robert Smigel]

Figuratively.

[Dave Attell]

Figuratively. And my boss was the next to go in there. And he said, oh, God, you took a big dump? This big dumpers. This is a crap city in here. And then he went in and he used it. And ever since, he's been using that in text. He's been calling me Big Dumps. Dumpers, the big dump truck. And you just won't leave me alone with it.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Maybe ever call you Dumpelstiltskin?

[Dave Attell]

Don't give him any idea.

[Michael Rapaport]

My.

[David Feldman]

That might be a good.

[Robert Smigel]

No, no, you got it. That's. Come on, you gotta. If. If someone called you Dumpelstiltskin, you'd appreciate

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

that I'd make it. I make a shirt.

[David Feldman]

Yeah, you should say, don't call me the Big Dump or the Big Dumper or anything, because my dad had that nickname when he was a nom.

[Dave Attell]

Well, that's the thing.

[David Feldman]

He was a hero. He, like, bombed.

[Robert Smigel]

Like. Yeah. He dropped bombs. Yeah, well, that's the thing.

[Dave Attell]

I'm from a military family.

[Robert Smigel]

He also. Yeah, he took big shots.

[Dave Attell]

My grandfather was in World War I. He flied the Sopwith Camel, just like Snoopy There you go. And my dad was also in the army.

[Robert Smigel]

Didn't really fly a stop with him. Okay. Anyway.

[David Feldman]

Yeah. But Snoopy probably ate.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Well, I have a dog. I have something to say.

[Dave Attell]

The Red Baron.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

I have something to say. So when you left the bathroom, was. Was it. Did you do a gentle cleanup or did you really get down there and help.

[Robert Smigel]

Question.

[Dave Attell]

Yes, I made sure that I wiped everything down.

[Robert Smigel]

Yeah.

[Dave Attell]

But wait, just.

[David Feldman]

I have. I have a. Adjacent question.

[Robert Smigel]

Okay.

[David Feldman]

Did you courtesy flush? And that's very important.

[Dave Attell]

Yes. But there was remnants stuck to the bowl, Unfortunately, I never know when that. Whether to, you know, get in there with the. With the. With the toilet paper.

[David Feldman]

You do know what a courtesy flush is, right?

[Dave Attell]

Yes. An extra.

[David Feldman]

Yeah, it's like. Well, once you. Once you. You flush immediately.

[Robert Smigel]

Yeah, that's that. And I've heard that, too.

[David Feldman]

Yeah. A lot of people don't do it because they want to conserve water. And you.

[Robert Smigel]

You could use that as an argument of, like, you know.

[David Feldman]

Yeah, yeah. If you want, like, a nickname, say I'm the big water conservative.

[Robert Smigel]

Yeah. How about that?

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

You know, I think he did the best he could and sound like it

[Robert Smigel]

to me, you know, because a courtesy flush. This is something that everybody should know. If we get nothing out of this podcast.

[David Feldman]

Got to do a courtesy for the second.

[Robert Smigel]

You shit, you flush immediately.

[David Feldman]

I shit because as I'm pushing.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Wow.

[David Feldman]

Yeah. Wow.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

A preemie.

[Robert Smigel]

Yeah.

[David Feldman]

Because I don't want anyone to even hear it happening.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Interesting.

[Robert Smigel]

Oh, I just sing the Humor Me theme song.

[Dave Attell]

Yeah. My question is, do you.

[Robert Smigel]

That's Bruce Springsteen in there. I don't want to mess with him.

[Dave Attell]

Do you wait for. Do you wait for it to fill up again? Do you wait there until the.

[David Feldman]

I think you have to, because otherwise. Yeah. It's not going to go.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Otherwise, you're getting a beached whale.

[Frank Smiley]

Right.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

You know, there's a lot of terminology that's being thrown around here. Robin, I'm so glad you brought me in on this terminology. Two more questions, and then we'll tell you if the new dean of Columbia University.

[David Feldman]

I had no idea.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

First of all, bullying at any age is wrong. Whether you're. How old are you?

[Dave Attell]

I'm 55.

[Robert Smigel]

Grow up. Ah, you old.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

I'm jealous. The fact that this guy has a regular stool, that is impressive. I mean, that is one thing, maybe.

[John Green]

Yeah.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Jealousy from your boss. Hell, look at this young guy going in there. Just ate lunch. It's coming out already. Yeah. Not like him.

[Robert Smigel]

Why don't you call him Mr. Irregular?

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Yeah. He's at home complaining to his third wife. Let's face it, it's Vegas. Right. He probably has Tammy, or whatever your name is. Bammy.

[David Feldman]

He probably has. He probably has little rabbit pellets, you know?

[Robert Smigel]

Yeah.

[David Feldman]

I mean, you're in Vegas. Size matters, baby.

[Robert Smigel]

Bunny poop. Peter. Peter Pelitz.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Peter Pelitz has this affected life outside of work? I mean, like.

[Yamaneika Saunders]

Yeah.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Is this being.

[Robert Smigel]

Now that you're gonna be on this show, by the way, with all due respect, just I'm looking at you and I might have given you the name Big Dumper before you ever took a dump. What he looks like he could take.

[Dave Attell]

I think that's possible. Cause I have Jeff Ross's plastic surgeon.

[Robert Smigel]

There you go.

[Dave Attell]

Yeah, I definitely do have the body for it.

[Robert Smigel]

Yeah.

[David Feldman]

I have a couple of things they could give you.

[Robert Smigel]

Oh, Dino's got Mr.

[David Feldman]

Healthy. That's good. Regular guy.

[Robert Smigel]

Yeah.

[David Feldman]

And the Eliminator. That sounds awesome.

[Robert Smigel]

The Eliminator is amazing.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

That's a good one.

[Robert Smigel]

See, you just kind of rebrand and make it a cool thing.

[Dave Attell]

Well, I did innovate experience with Triumph once. Speaking of that.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

What?

[David Feldman]

What?

[Dave Attell]

Yes, we've met. The St. Mark's Church. I held the microphone for you, Robert.

[Robert Smigel]

The St. Mark's Church. When was I at the St. Mark's Church? I don't know.

[Dave Attell]

My triumph was doing some poetry. Some slam poetry.

[Robert Smigel]

Oh, we were. It was a tribute to Jack Kerouac.

[Dave Attell]

Yes.

[Robert Smigel]

Yeah.

[Dave Attell]

Back when all those guys were around.

[Robert Smigel]

Yeah. Wow. How did you. How did you end up in Las Vegas after. I mean, that. That's pretty great. Holding a microphone for Trump.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Quite a credit.

[Robert Smigel]

Yeah. Now you're.

[Dave Attell]

I took that and I ran with it.

[Robert Smigel]

Yeah. Took it and ran with it. Yeah.

[Dave Attell]

I was kicking out. Kicking around. It was in New York and kicking around in LA. And then I. There was a promise of Hollywood 2.0 coming to Las Vegas, and it was supposed to be. Mark Wahlberg was supposed to come up with the goods. They were going to bring in $40 million. The whole thing was a fiasco.

[David Feldman]

I feel like as an actor, you could bring up up all this emotion and cried during, like, a part, you know?

[Dave Attell]

Well, I'd like something to tell my boss. I think maybe I don't want to be necessarily known for this. So far, we've come up with a great laundry list of, like, what else he can call me.

[Robert Smigel]

But you teach. You're an acting teacher. Right. So you could say maybe it's a form of method acting.

[David Feldman]

Right.

[Robert Smigel]

That you pulled something from deep inside.

[David Feldman]

Yeah. Or at least push something from deep inside.

[Robert Smigel]

Pulled it and then pulled it and then pushed it.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

At least a scene after you take it down

[David Feldman]

and curtain.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Hey, you moved to Las Vegas for acting. Really?

[Robert Smigel]

What acting or for acting.

[Chuck Bryant]

Teaching.

[Robert Smigel]

I'm sorry.

[Dave Attell]

To teach Stella Adler.

[Robert Smigel]

Okay.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Really? In a town run Stella Adler how to act.

[David Feldman]

No, he taught her how to.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Run by Magic man boldly moves to a town to teach acting. Now that's.

[Robert Smigel]

That's what kind of students.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

That's beautiful.

[Robert Smigel]

What kind of students?

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

You must make hundreds and hundreds of dollars a year doing dozens.

[Robert Smigel]

Dozens of dollars.

[Dave Attell]

Well, because it's Las Vegas, you know, the most. The actors either want to be in porn or they want to be in a showgirl.

[Robert Smigel]

Oh, they. Oh, so they're aspiring.

[Dave Attell]

Oh, yeah.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Are any of them.

[Robert Smigel]

So they want to be in porn or they're porn stars who want to be real actors?

[Dave Attell]

I think it's a default

[Robert Smigel]

meaningfully say. That must be the doorbell.

[Dave Attell]

Yeah. Where's the pizza?

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

But I like. I want you to his idea over here thinking outside of the box.

[David Feldman]

Yeah.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Probably a box that you would in. He said scat. That's right. I bet you with your into the porn community, you find some kink, right?

[David Feldman]

Yeah.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

One man's problem is another man's kink.

[David Feldman]

Yeah.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

You're probably sitting on a gold mine. Let it out.

[David Feldman]

Yeah, they'll call you. They'll call you Mr. Big just once

[Robert Smigel]

you let it out. Courtesy Flush, please.

[Dave Attell]

So it's my understanding I should capitalize yes on this.

[David Feldman]

Or you can, you know, you could have them empathize with you or sympathize. Yeah, maybe you could say that. You know, just say, look, my. My pet tapeworm just died and you know, I now I have big shits, but I didn't feel like getting another one. It was too soon. I missed that little guy, you know, that's nice.

[Robert Smigel]

Or you could go the other way. You know, that's the sympathy way. The other way to go is to be like threatening them. Like, I'll do it again, you know. Yeah, just. Just lean into it. Start purposely.

[Dave Attell]

Could be classified as destroying the toilet. Could be classified as a terror attack. They have another big one like this.

[Robert Smigel]

Yeah. They'll bring in the National Guard in Las Vegas. It's horrible what's going on there. If you smell the toilets in Las Veg is. It's very, very unhappy and not good.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

I'm so glad to see Stella Adler is finally making inroads in the porn community when it was ruled by Meisner for Years. Yeah, the Meisner technique was all over those scenes.

[David Feldman]

You can see it. You can see it.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

So let me ask.

[Robert Smigel]

What.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Has this happened to you in any other location? Let's say no.

[David Feldman]

That's a good question.

[Dave Attell]

A long flight at a Greyhound station. I had at one time.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Really?

[David Feldman]

So you.

[Dave Attell]

That was after a smelly problem.

[David Feldman]

Have you thought about drinking perfume?

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

That's a Bulgarian cure.

[Robert Smigel]

But, well, there's that stuff called poo pourri.

[David Feldman]

Is it really?

[Robert Smigel]

Yeah, you spray it on top of the, like on. On the water before you take the. Oh, it's like a film.

[David Feldman]

I'm thinking.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

I'm telling.

[David Feldman]

I'm thinking internal medicine.

[Robert Smigel]

No, but this really works.

[David Feldman]

Oh, really?

[Robert Smigel]

So you can maybe just, you know, keep it on you for the rest of your life?

[David Feldman]

Or a light.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

I think it's Vegas and you should solve it Vegas style. Go to. Do you zipline. All right. Sudden death, Texas Holder.

[Robert Smigel]

It's fantastic. Cirque du Soleil approach to shitting.

[David Feldman]

I can't believe this whole story got out of Vegas, by the way.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

I mean, honestly, in a town where anything goes, this is the line.

[Robert Smigel]

I know.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

I mean, really, buddy. Imagine. Big props, man.

[Robert Smigel]

How would you like us to really help you?

[David Feldman]

Yeah, finally.

[Robert Smigel]

Like, do you want us to help you write? You said I heard you wanted to write an open letter.

[Frank Smiley]

What's.

[Dave Attell]

Yeah, so like I can open something that I can. I can confront my boss with and say, hey, I'm more than this. I've done paid my dues. I've done everything I can for the theater. I've devoted my whole entire life to it. I had a show on iHeart. I've played a zebra.

[Robert Smigel]

Wait, are you saying that people who haven't played a zebra should be mocked for taking big shits? Like, just because you played a zebra?

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

I thought that was some kind of QAnon code. I played a zebra. Oh, yeah.

[Robert Smigel]

Or some kind of.

[Dave Attell]

I've worked my way up through the actual act, through the acting world, and I just think I'm not respected.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Right.

[David Feldman]

Well, you start out with the letter Dear Normal. Yeah, Yeah.

[Robert Smigel]

I think some of our themes, some of the themes that we've talked about, I think could be incorporated into your letter so we can make fun of you a little bit.

[David Feldman]

Well, he could make fun of himself.

[Robert Smigel]

Yeah, you can make fun of himself. Well, that's how that would ultimately be the effect.

[David Feldman]

Yeah, yeah.

[Robert Smigel]

Self deprecatory.

[David Feldman]

Self defecatory.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Is that what you really want?

[Robert Smigel]

Self defecatory? Self defecatory.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Is that really what he wants?

[Robert Smigel]

I think he wants, like.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

I'm gonna stop you right there. No one reads. No one. How about a video? What? If you make a video, there's nothing. There's nothing that says it better than brick through his car windshield.

[David Feldman]

Wait, who is

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

laughing, by the way, on his dashboard? And go, remember me? And then run off masturbating.

[David Feldman]

There you go.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Vegas, though.

[David Feldman]

Okay, Frank, are you the segment producer?

[Frank Smiley]

I don't know what I am.

[Robert Smigel]

He's the producer of the show.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Well, it's most important when you confront someone to. What are you going to wear? Are you going to go with this gender fluid outfit or what are you thinking?

[Dave Attell]

I think I need to up my game here.

[David Feldman]

Yes.

[Dave Attell]

Stand up for my rights and tell him something that's on my mind. Right.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

He wants everyone to know and appreciate what he's done for the theater. And I do not agree.

[Robert Smigel]

I understand. You have a Wikipedia page.

[Dave Attell]

I even have a Wikipedia page.

[Robert Smigel]

And it's not for having taken a big.

[David Feldman]

It's not a Wikipedia page. Thank you, everyone.

[Dave Attell]

That's.

[Robert Smigel]

You should be ready for triumph.

[David Feldman]

Can I finally.

[Robert Smigel]

Wikipedia. Okay. All right.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

How many students are we talking about here?

[Robert Smigel]

Yeah, yeah.

[Dave Attell]

There's about 30 students. That's a lot in rotation.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

So I'm seeing more of a production now. When you get them all together and they all come out like chorus line.

[David Feldman]

I correct.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Chorus.

[Robert Smigel]

Yeah.

[David Feldman]

Ch.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

And it's like one. You know, Bob Dump.

[David Feldman]

Yeah.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

And then two. A number two. Which I did.

[David Feldman]

Right.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

And then you get into the story and he'll be like, you guys are great. And then I'll blow his head off. None of these seem to be hitting you.

[David Feldman]

What.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

What do you think?

[Robert Smigel]

Do your acting students know about this?

[David Feldman]

I think he out his.

[Dave Attell]

Listen, he's brought it up in front of. In front of our students.

[Robert Smigel]

He's brought it up in front of the students so they know and they.

[Chuck Bryant]

Yeah.

[Dave Attell]

He says, don't. Don't go into. Don't go into the bathroom after Kevin goes in there.

[Robert Smigel]

Wow. The humiliation in front of. In front of porn stars and strippers.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

I say, let me answer your question. Why not use the theater itself? Is it the kind of theater where you have two chairs in the center? Awesome.

[Dave Attell]

Yeah.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

You invite him out. You invite him out. He sits down. But you're not there. Where are you? Yeah. Up in the rafters. Phantom of the Opera style.

[Dave Attell]

Boom.

[David Feldman]

Instead of a chandelier.

[Robert Smigel]

Laughter.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Let's get back to what?

[Yamaneika Saunders]

Where we are.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Bring us down. He almost cracked his smile there.

[David Feldman]

He did smile.

[Robert Smigel]

Enjoying himself. Not everybody falls out of their chair. Now, nowadays, some people have to be. He's not happy.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Well, what does your lady say about this? Is she also suffering this grief with you?

[Dave Attell]

Yeah, it has affected my relationship a little bit.

[Robert Smigel]

Oh, it has?

[David Feldman]

In a good way.

[Robert Smigel]

Yeah, sometimes.

[Dave Attell]

Now, the thing is, the peeing on the seat thing is the worst part of it. Being on the seat, that is just something guys just do, you know? But I never shoot through the hole, so I don't understand.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Whoa, slow down.

[Dave Attell]

But I just. You know, we talk about courtesy flashes. I can't wait to get out of the bath.

[Robert Smigel]

Okay, you don't. You don't have to do Kippadota's act for us.

[David Feldman]

We're good.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

You should say this. You should go.

[Robert Smigel]

Just because he's dead doesn't.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

You're putting me down in a town where people go to the bathroom on the street. How dare you?

[David Feldman]

Exactly.

[Robert Smigel]

That's a good point. Me in the letter or whatever.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Lunch.

[David Feldman]

Yeah.

[Robert Smigel]

What about this guy? You have problems with the way he teaches, right?

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

No.

[Robert Smigel]

Apparently gives people the America Ferrara Barbie monologue constantly.

[Dave Attell]

Is that what I. Oh, yes. This is a. This is the thing that he does. He's been starting his management company as of late, and he gives them. He says, you're going to kill with this. And he sends them out to la and with the Barbie monologue, talking about being a woman. Men and women are supposed to deliver this monologue. Barbie, really?

[Robert Smigel]

He sends men out.

[Dave Attell]

What am I made of? What am I made for? Yeah, you lose weight, but you don't lose enough weight. You're supposed to be pretty, but you're not pretty enough. That's how it goes.

[David Feldman]

If he's into losing weight, why doesn't he respect how much you shit?

[Dave Attell]

Now, does that trust him? They go out with the monologue and they trust him, and then they basically just wipe out. So.

[David Feldman]

Because they're so behind him. Are they behind him when they do. Does everyone call you big dumps and all that?

[Dave Attell]

Well, they. They kind of allude to it. Let's just put it that way.

[Robert Smigel]

They allude to it.

[Kevin (Caller)]

Right?

[Robert Smigel]

I want to hear that part.

[David Feldman]

Yeah. How do they allude?

[Robert Smigel]

Yeah, yeah, let's hear the alluding. That sounds fun, actually.

[David Feldman]

Well, how do they do it?

[Dave Attell]

They just say, I'm. At least you're good at something.

[David Feldman]

Well, that brings up a good point. Are you good at anything else? No, I'm sorry.

[Dave Attell]

Apparently I'm on a show talking about taking a note.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Nice one.

[David Feldman]

Can I go pee, by the way, or should I Do it right here.

[Robert Smigel]

You need to pee?

[David Feldman]

Yeah, go ahead. Okay, go ahead.

[Robert Smigel]

Dino's gonna. Dino's gonna.

[John Green]

We know what happens.

[Dave Attell]

He's studying the subject, basically, and then he's going to come back.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Are we still going?

[Robert Smigel]

Yeah, we can still go.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Okay, then let me talk for a minute.

[Robert Smigel]

Yeah. What do you think of Dino, by the way?

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

First of all, I'm glad Dino left for a second because I know he's also very emotional and he might talk me down on this, but I want to get it out. This dump situation has followed you all across the country where you get settled in a theater and then you take a huge dump, and then everyone starts calling you Big Dumper or the big dumb Dowski or something. And then you have to leave, like the Hulk. Right. With no clothes on.

[Dave Attell]

Yeah.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

To the new theater out there. Let Vegas be your line in the sand. Go like, no more. I'm taking a stand here, and whether it dripped down my leg or not, I am going to dump here. So there you go. Cue the applause.

[Robert Smigel]

If you say it with conviction. If you say anything with conviction, no matter how inane, people are going to applaud it. Dino, you have no idea.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

It was a rudderless ship.

[David Feldman]

I got so many laughs in there.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

So, any other details we're missing here? Because in the way you've portrayed it, you are the true victim, but let's face it, you're the antagonist. Yes. What is your story arc?

[Dave Attell]

Well, should I be a serial dumper? That's the question.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Nice you to do this.

[Robert Smigel]

Well, that's one way to go.

[Dave Attell]

The ultimate revenge is to live well.

[Robert Smigel]

Kevin the serial dumper. You never know when he'll strike.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Well, I like how you said bus station. Evidently you. You could do it anywhere. So you could definitely do this. I would take it on the road. Do you think you could do it on the road where you can go like, you know, I'm coming, and then like, you challenge a town or something

[Robert Smigel]

like that, you know, watch out, Andy Kaufman.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Yeah, I'll be there. I'll dump against any of your. Any woman.

[Robert Smigel]

No. Any woman in the audience. I'll take a bigger dump.

[David Feldman]

Yeah. You know, if a woman could take a bigger dump than me, I'll. I'll marry her. Yeah, like Andy Kaufman or I'll.

[Robert Smigel]

Or I'll leave her alone.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Hello.

[Dave Attell]

Was there could be kind of a dumping mics kind of a idea.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

I loved it.

[Dave Attell]

Boom. Is that T shirt dumping mics?

[Robert Smigel]

I couldn't hear the last.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

It's really hard when it's Podcast with four alphas. All right, I might have to lower down a beta now. What's up, gentlemen? Anybody needs.

[David Feldman]

Matter of fact, I need to get sucked off right now.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

This is really a great.

[Robert Smigel]

Jesus.

[David Feldman]

What? Oh, you have hr.

[Robert Smigel]

No, Jesus has just joined. Okay, I'll show you an alpha.

[Michael Rapaport]

What?

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Let's say we had a time machine and you can go back to either when you held the microphone, the pinnacle for triumph. Right. The high point, the super bowl, or before you ate that crab that day. Which would you rather do? Right now?

[Dave Attell]

I think I would like to go back in time and talk to Allen Ginsberg and take him into the bathroom he's always offered.

[Robert Smigel]

Allen Ginsberg was there, wasn't he? Yeah, yeah.

[Dave Attell]

Was always trying to get me into the bathroom room.

[Robert Smigel]

Okay, he's making a gay joke about Allen Ginsburg.

[Dave Attell]

I used to be cute, Robert. I used to be cute.

[Robert Smigel]

Well, then good for Allen Ginsburg.

[David Feldman]

You'll do in a pinch.

[Robert Smigel]

He'll pinch in a pinch.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

This is the worst 90 day fiance ever.

[Robert Smigel]

Okay, before we go.

[David Feldman]

Oh, we're not going anywhere.

[Robert Smigel]

Before we.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

So many laughs left on the table. There's no way we're going.

[Robert Smigel]

Well, we can stay, but before we go, I just want to know. Because we can stay, but eventually we're going to go. And before that time, I want to know, do you want it to be as still a letter, or do you want to do a show with Cirque du Soleil? Because we can arrange either one.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

That'll be great.

[David Feldman]

Yeah, I think at this point it

[Dave Attell]

might have to be my resignation letter.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Do you have to really resign from theater?

[Dave Attell]

Wow.

[Robert Smigel]

So in other words.

[Dave Attell]

Yeah, I'd like a letter to read. Read to him.

[Robert Smigel]

To read aloud.

[Dave Attell]

Read aloud in front of the staff? Yeah.

[Robert Smigel]

Oh, in front of the staff.

[Dave Attell]

Let him know how I feel. And.

[Robert Smigel]

Okay, so it'll be.

[Dave Attell]

Present all my cards on the table.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

How should we address your boss in the letter? Do you want it, you know, a name? Do you want a. You know, just a first name? Or do you want, like, you know, hey, Chief Governor, what do you. What do you want?

[Robert Smigel]

To whom? It may have made you faint. All right, we'll craft a letter based on all these ideas. And will you read exactly what we wrote or will you

[David Feldman]

punch it up?

[Robert Smigel]

It's your life. I guess it's his life.

[David Feldman]

Is that.

[Robert Smigel]

Is it his life or ours?

[David Feldman]

It's our. Actually, it's more our life at this point.

[Robert Smigel]

His life is our life.

[David Feldman]

Yeah.

[Robert Smigel]

Okay, so whatever we write, anybody have any thoughts that haven't been addressed. We've got Dave Feldman, Dave Cyrus, Hannah Feldman here. You have a pal power that you're not using. Who has a power?

[David Feldman]

This guy.

[Robert Smigel]

Okay.

[Dave Attell]

He should.

[Robert Smigel]

His name's Kevin. He has a name. He also has a nickname. You should go.

[Dave Attell]

Yeah.

[Robert Smigel]

Six nicknames.

[Dave Attell]

You should strut like a peacock, an alpha dog. Everybody at the studio like a bee. Bring in tandoori chicken and threaten them.

[Robert Smigel]

We said that? Yeah, we suggested. Okay, so that's another vote for threatening them with bigger and better shits.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

I.

[Robert Smigel]

Look, I honestly, I think that when you're dealing with a bully, the more you are bothered by this, the more they get out of it. The best way for me is find another thing to make fun of you for and then act really offended and they'll never make fun of the first one again. Find another thing for you to make fun of him for. Like that he looks like Gary Shandling trying to take a shit. If he acted really offended that they called him Gary Shanley. Okay? You're known as the shitter. Be known as something else. Just take on a hobby. Become go goth. Or tattoos. A lot of. Get a lot of tattoos. Or lose an eye. Any of these things.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Lose an eye.

[Robert Smigel]

Any of these things will make people forget about or at least for a week.

[David Feldman]

Or just, like, guzzle a bunch of cum and shit that out.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

That's your answer to everything.

[Dave Attell]

I knew I was going to end up in the porn industry eventually. That's what happens when you strike out in Vegas.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Now, Kevin, the question we all have now is what is in that closet?

[David Feldman]

A lot of toilet paper.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Okay, that again. Let's go to your. Let's go to your small but impressive bookshelf.

[David Feldman]

How not to.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Now, what acting books do you have there? Because there's a lot of listeners and a lot of them want to get into the acting game. Do you. Have you written a book?

[Dave Attell]

I have not, but I was thinking about writing a book about. About a method having to do with.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

I would start with the pants.

[Dave Attell]

That is the way to actually work.

[David Feldman]

No.

[Kevin (Caller)]

All right.

[Dave Attell]

All right.

[David Feldman]

Well. Well, I think this. Does this usually end when everyone gets sleepy?

[Robert Smigel]

Yeah.

[Dave Attell]

Yeah.

[Robert Smigel]

Except the steak sandwich made me sleepy faster.

[David Feldman]

I know. Sorry about that.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

I'll be at Binions in Vegas, please. You might want to get the roast beef and lobster for 9.99. It goes in and comes right out. Am I right? Pk Come on down to Mandalay Bay. We've got a crab.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yep.

[Robert Smigel]

Dina, where will you be?

[David Feldman]

When?

[Robert Smigel]

Doesn't matter.

[Dave Attell]

And I'll be it. I'll be in the bathroom with the

[Robert Smigel]

Palms, and I'll be right back with the epilogue.

[Dave Attell]

I appreciate all your help. Thanks, K. I think I'm going to embrace it. You need to be known for something in this world.

[Robert Smigel]

Go ahead.

[Dave Attell]

An epitaph. Epilogue.

[Robert Smigel]

Oh. Oh, yes. We'll be back with the epilogue. We're gonna drop.

[Dave Attell]

Yeah.

[Robert Smigel]

Got a thing that needs to be funnier. Tell us about [e-mail] humorme okay, well, if you guys are like me, you know how painful it can be to be falsely accused of elder abuse.

[David Feldman]

You're an asshole. I'm not that old.

[Robert Smigel]

I mean, I know when I abuse you, that's a completely different thing, right?

[David Feldman]

I mean, I like when you abuse me, but not as an.

[Robert Smigel]

No, I know. That's.

[David Feldman]

It's okay.

[Robert Smigel]

It's consensual.

[David Feldman]

All right, good.

[Robert Smigel]

Just please don't make it about yourself all the time.

[David Feldman]

Okay.

[Robert Smigel]

This serious.

[David Feldman]

Okay.

[Robert Smigel]

Because elder abuse is like an epid. It's an epidemic. And again, if you're like me, you've been accused of this multiple times. And you guys have, right?

[David Feldman]

Well, my dad died early. I didn't get a chance.

[Robert Smigel]

Oh, no. I'm so sorry.

[David Feldman]

Yeah. My heart breaks when I think about it.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

If only there was, like, a service or something that could help you.

[Robert Smigel]

Are you kidding me? Yeah. There's more than a service. There's a full law firm.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

What?

[Robert Smigel]

Yes.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Are you kidding?

[Robert Smigel]

Jaffe. Jaffe and Jaffe.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

No way.

[Robert Smigel]

Yeah, right here. Right here.

[David Feldman]

Wait, I think you left out a Jaffe.

[Robert Smigel]

No, no.

[David Feldman]

And the most important one, too.

[Robert Smigel]

No, no, they're not related.

[David Feldman]

Yeah, three.

[Robert Smigel]

And they spell their names differently. It's just a coincidence.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Wow.

[Robert Smigel]

It's just a coincidence that they came together.

[David Feldman]

I don't mean to laugh about this. This is a serious topic.

[Robert Smigel]

It's a very serious topic. And I don't mean to laugh about it. E mean to do the opposite of laughing, because I didn't know.

[David Feldman]

I saw.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

So let's say I have a problem.

[Robert Smigel]

I go, hey, let's say you have a problem. You've never been accused of elder abuse.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Well.

[David Feldman]

Or you've never been elder abused.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

I was just going to say, like. Let's say, like, you know, occasionally I'll set up a old person, you know, fight. You know, just two old people, two spoons.

[Robert Smigel]

Right. And then later they say they were forced to do it.

[Chelsea Handler]

Right.

[David Feldman]

What?

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

I didn't. I'm like, I'm getting you out of the bed. We're having a good Time.

[Robert Smigel]

Exactly.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

All right.

[Robert Smigel]

And it's like, just because you didn't sign a contract. All right, they get to say that they were coerced because I didn't even

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

bet on my own mom to win. I mean, that makes me a bad person.

[David Feldman]

Tell me more about these.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Well, you know how, like, usually fighting happens in a basement? No, no. In a den. In a very.

[Robert Smigel]

Well, yeah.

[Dave Attell]

Yeah.

[Robert Smigel]

It's in the comfort of their own den.

[David Feldman]

Right.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

So if only there was, like, a firm, as you say, or something.

[Robert Smigel]

There is a firm. Or an incident would say. The first thing they'd say is, first of all, betting on your mom would have been a bigger problem. Yeah, it's like Pete Rose betting on his own team, you know? So that's already a point in your favor. That's how these guys work, you know, they put together a defense. Oh, a defense. Jaffe. Jaffe and Jaffe. Happy.

[David Feldman]

Really?

[Dave Attell]

Yes.

[Robert Smigel]

And by the way, they have hundreds of people under them.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Yes.

[Robert Smigel]

So if you don't.

[David Feldman]

Are they. Are they all older than them?

[Robert Smigel]

Excuse me?

[David Feldman]

All the people under them. Are they older than them?

[Robert Smigel]

No, the people under them are younger than them.

[David Feldman]

Oh, they don't.

[Robert Smigel]

They're on to. But all. But they've all been accused of elder abuse one time or another. Oh, they've all experienced this.

[David Feldman]

Oh, that's sweet.

[Robert Smigel]

So you're getting people.

[David Feldman]

Yeah.

[Robert Smigel]

Who are, you know, empathetic to your problem. I mean, so. So you had. What was the name of your. The elders who participated in your little sport?

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

We didn't give them names. No, no. They have their numbers, you know.

[Robert Smigel]

Oh. They have their game.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

It's stinky versus screams at night.

[Robert Smigel]

Okay.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

You know, in a facility, there's so many names to keep track of.

[Robert Smigel]

It's so complicated. You know, all I did to my Aunt Helene was threaten her with a pillow. I never actually abused her with a pillow. I just. I just. You know, if you bring up Trump one more time, and I like Trump. I just get tired of hearing how great he is.

[David Feldman]

Right.

[Robert Smigel]

I'm jealous of him.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

These people can help you, then?

[Robert Smigel]

They have helped me.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Oh, that's fantastic.

[Robert Smigel]

They've gotten me out of multiple accusations. And if you haven't, you've never used Jaffe. Jaffe and Jaffe. No.

[David Feldman]

No, no.

[Robert Smigel]

Have you?

[David Feldman]

No, I. Everyone dies early in my family.

[Robert Smigel]

But you don't have to just abuse people in your family.

[David Feldman]

Oh, really?

[Robert Smigel]

To be technically elderly, abuse can be any.

[David Feldman]

I could go anywhere.

[Robert Smigel]

You can go.

[David Feldman]

Oh, thanks. This is good to know.

[Robert Smigel]

Okay. That wasn't the purpose of the commercial, Sorry to tell you to go out and abuse elderly people.

[David Feldman]

Oh, don't we want to drum up some business for these people?

[Robert Smigel]

They don't need it. They don't need it. Are you kidding me?

[David Feldman]

All right, all right.

[Robert Smigel]

It happens, you know?

[David Feldman]

Okay. Because I. I happened right there. I definitely.

[Robert Smigel]

Every five seconds, an elderly person.

[David Feldman]

I have old people that I have got my sights on. Definitely.

[Robert Smigel]

No, Dino.

[David Feldman]

Well, I mean, could it be sexual abuse?

[Robert Smigel]

Yeah, but you have to be specific to tell me if it's something that they can defend.

[David Feldman]

Defend?

[Robert Smigel]

Yeah, because you're going to be accused of elder abuse.

[David Feldman]

I mean, I don't understand the question. Like, defend what?

[Robert Smigel]

What have you got in mind to do to an elderly person?

[David Feldman]

Rape one up the ass. What? What do you mean?

[Robert Smigel]

I don't think they can help you.

[David Feldman]

Oh.

[Robert Smigel]

I don't think they can help you.

[David Feldman]

Oh.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

So this is great. It's amazing how three people with the same name, Jaffe, both have the same desire to help and different spellings. Abuse.

[David Feldman]

Yeah.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

That's fantastic.

[Robert Smigel]

It really is. And it's. It speaks to their dedication and it speaks to. I guess that this was meant to be, you know, that these three people came together. Jaffe spells a J, A, F, F, E. Jaffe, who spells it? J, A, F, F, F, E and

[David Feldman]

then G, E, O. Right?

[Robert Smigel]

Yeah, that's. Yes, that's G, E, O, F, A, P, H, E, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P. Clown. Yes.

[David Feldman]

Clamp. A new.

[Robert Smigel]

Okay, well, that was the code that we're also supposed to. You know, if you wanna. If you want help from. If you've abused an elderly person or think that someone thinks you've abused an elderly person, but you really haven't. It just seemed that way because of what you did.

[David Feldman]

Right.

[Robert Smigel]

But you didn't go far enough to actually abuse them. I have the website. It's jaffyjaffyjaffe.com as I spelled it earlier. J, A, F. What a nightmare. J, A, F, F, F, E. Okay. I don't remember the last one. I have a question.

[Frank Smiley]

Okay.

[Dave Attell]

About Jaffe. Jaffe and Jaffe.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Yes.

[Robert Smigel]

I'm really considering being accused of elder abuse.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Good.

[Robert Smigel]

Okay.

[Dave Attell]

Will they do a consultation for me?

[Robert Smigel]

They do do consultations. They do do consultations. Been accused? You haven't been accused yet, but you're thinking about being accused.

[David Feldman]

I can give you a free consultation.

[Robert Smigel]

Okay.

[David Feldman]

Die young. There's die young.

[Robert Smigel]

Dino, don't take away business from our sponsor. There's a false accusation I feel coming. There are people waiting by the phones. Okay, ready to take your call and set up a consultation. Use the code. Humor Me with Robert Smigel and Dave Attell and Dino Stamatopoulos. IHeart podcasts. Jaffe, Jaffe. Jaffe. 1-698-372-97843. Holy smokes, this is big. You know the podcast? I do that. You heard right. Humor Me with Robert Smigel and friends. Well, now you can see it. See it with your own eyes. Watch all your favorite podcasts, full episodes from start to finish, free in the iHeart app. Hey, Jonas. Las Culturistas Post Run High. All of them in the iHeart apple for free. You've heard the voices. Now see the moments. I didn't write that I heart app free.

[Paul Verzi]

Hey, guys, Paul Verzi here, and I want to talk to you about Paul's best podcast, Will Ferrell's Big Money Players Network and I Heart Radio. I sit down each week with a special guest and we discuss the absolute best of things Davidson.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

It's that and then there's everything else.

[Paul Verzi]

He would just shout one line and it would murder.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Marie, lunch.

[Paul Verzi]

Let's talk about the best moments that we had on the road.

[Robert Smigel]

I would love a cocktail.

[Paul Verzi]

Dude. Joker, get last row, middle seat on a Southwest Airlines flight. Joe, how was your flight?

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

It was great.

[Robert Smigel]

The guy at Penn State, we were on the field and the player thought

[Paul Verzi]

Joe was his former coach, and he

[Robert Smigel]

hugged him, and he hugged him and

[Paul Verzi]

Joe just went with it.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

The guy goes, what are you doing here, coach?

[Robert Smigel]

And Joe just goes. And you walk in and it is bananas. I mean, it's a feast for the eyes. And I was like, it's like, it's not my thing either, but we're here.

[Paul Verzi]

When in Rome, top athletes, chefs, musicians, everybody listen to Paul's best podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

[John Green]

The World cup is underway and it's been incredible. On our podcast, the Away End, with Daniel Alarcon and John Green, we're talking about the games that have delighted us, the teams that have inspired us, what we're loving and what surprised us all through the lens of being massive fans of the world's most beautiful game.

[Daniel Alarcon]

Daniel, this tournament has been magical so far. The expanded field of teams has created some incredible matchups that have already made this World cup one to remember. And now things get even more exciting with the intensity of the knockout rounds as the field is whittled down to one World cup champion on July 19.

[John Green]

When you say it like that I get a pain in my heart that the tournament is over. But there's a lot of soccer yet to go, and if the first few games of the round of 32 are any indication, anything is possible in the lead up to the final. We've got it covered from an ultra's perspective here on the away end.

[Daniel Alarcon]

So listen to the away end with Daniel Alarcon and John green on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast.

[Chelsea Handler]

This is Chelsea Handler from Dear Chelsea. Every week the news gets worse, the world gets crazier, and Yamanika is here to tell whoever's responsible, you're the problem.

[Yamaneika Saunders]

If you come over here to play games, I' ma check you. Okay? If you do some in the news that don't sound good, I'mma play you.

[Chelsea Handler]

Join Yamanika Saunders as she breaks down the week's most problematic stories on her new podcast. You're the First Problem with Yamaneika.

[Yamaneika Saunders]

Do you know I just found out who Sydney Sweeney was.

[Chelsea Handler]

New episodes weekly every Wednesday as part of my new network, the Dear Chelsea Network.

[Yamaneika Saunders]

If he got a bunch of women, then I should have a bunch of men do better or do less so I don't have to do so much.

[Chelsea Handler]

So join Yamaneika each episode as she answers one question. Who's the problem?

[Yamaneika Saunders]

I'm Yamanika and I'm out. Listen to youo're the Problem With Yamaneka, starting on July 15th on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast.

[Robert Smigel]

All right, we're back. It's been about a month since we spoke to Kevin, AKA Big Dumper.

[David Feldman]

Do I look thinner or fatter?

[Robert Smigel]

Dino is joining me in the studio. Davitel has a life and so he's at his home.

[David Feldman]

I have no luck.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Am I the only one who hasn't stopped thinking about Kevin? You said a month. I feel like it's only been a couple of days.

[Robert Smigel]

We're going to talk to Kevin. We wrote a speech out for him. Dino and I incorporated a lot of Dave's jokes as well, and he took a shot at his Christmas party. Yeah, the acting school had a Christmas party.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

I believe now we use the term holiday party, so. Okay.

[David Feldman]

Oh, okay. Holy Day party.

[Robert Smigel]

Sorry, don't want to.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Yes.

[Robert Smigel]

Okay. You're really pissing off Megyn Kelly right now. Before we do this, just for fun, predictions, how well do you think Kevin did based on the interview?

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Is there something better than a home run? I don't know.

[Robert Smigel]

Kevin yes.

[Kevin (Caller)]

Hi.

[Robert Smigel]

Thanks for doing whatever it is you did.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Yeah.

[David Feldman]

Do we want to ask him how it went, or do we just watch?

[Robert Smigel]

Let's watch and pass judgment.

[David Feldman]

Okay. Let's be judge and jury.

[Robert Smigel]

Okay. Look, like you looking at here.

[David Feldman]

This is a Christmas party. I see no decorations whatsoever.

[Dave Attell]

Yeah, it's.

[David Feldman]

I mean, it's got one gold basic in the bed.

[Dave Attell]

All we could afford.

[Robert Smigel]

Yeah, it's very sparsely decorated. No one's in costume, and the chairs

[David Feldman]

are all folded like no one showed up. Up or.

[Robert Smigel]

It looks like an episode of the Pakistanian Office.

[Daniel Alarcon]

Well, you Look.

[Dave Attell]

Is Mike McGill to play Tommy and Shameless. Six seasons.

[Robert Smigel]

What's he doing at your party?

[Dave Attell]

He's an acting teacher at our school.

[Robert Smigel]

Oh, wow.

[David Feldman]

He's. He's completely shameless.

[Robert Smigel]

Okay, so now the video's working, but now we can't hear it.

[David Feldman]

Now. Who's that guy?

[Robert Smigel]

That's his boss.

[Frank Smiley]

Hi, everyone.

[Robert Smigel]

Or as I say now.

[Frank Smiley]

Good morning. Big announcement. By the way, I want to tell everyone my daughter pooped all over the place today.

[David Feldman]

The guys, he's obsessed with poop, the

[Robert Smigel]

belly rubs, the, like. You know, he's gonna totally step on your speech.

[Dave Attell]

Kevin.

[David Feldman]

Soft serve.

[Frank Smiley]

I kept coming down like, okay, diaper time. Nope, Kept coming out.

[David Feldman]

Yeah, it's bumping already.

[Frank Smiley]

Really appreciate poo.

[David Feldman]

Right?

[Frank Smiley]

Right.

[David Feldman]

He's got material.

[Dave Attell]

Absolutely.

[Robert Smigel]

Did you do this on purpose, Kevin, to sabotage you?

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

To differ. I think he's warming up the crowd. That's what I see.

[Robert Smigel]

The warm up poop comic.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

What I do like about it is that everyone's standing the whole time.

[Robert Smigel]

You're right. With everyone standing.

[Kevin (Caller)]

Yeah.

[David Feldman]

It looks like those people can't stand too long either.

[Robert Smigel]

Yeah, a lot of them are going to collapse their own way.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Yeah, it's like they're all waiting for the code to the bathroom.

[Robert Smigel]

In a couple months, when I come back,

[David Feldman]

A little Christmas right there. Oh, look, now it's getting Christmassy.

[Robert Smigel]

What do you got to say? Oh, wait.

[Dave Attell]

Wait a minute. Hold on.

[David Feldman]

Kevin, you have a. You have a bun.

[Robert Smigel]

You have a man bunny.

[Dave Attell]

I do.

[Robert Smigel]

And. And you're worried about.

[David Feldman]

Yeah. This is what you need to apologize for.

[Robert Smigel]

The guy looks very smug. The boss?

[Dave Attell]

Well, his name's on the building, Right? Him and his partner Christina penned to this thing wholeheartedly so.

[David Feldman]

And. And whole stomachly, too.

[Dave Attell]

This is where I give him his comeuppance, thanks to you guys.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

How long did the party go on before you guys started speaking?

[Dave Attell]

I think I sort of squashed the whole. The whole party vibe.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

I've Seen better parties at a kill shelter than that.

[Robert Smigel]

Yeah. All right, let's keep playing.

[Dave Attell]

Back in July of this year, there was a bathroom incident. I had some bad sushi that day.

[Robert Smigel]

You get a lot of bad sushi.

[Dave Attell]

And who was getting ready for a party? Mr. Ben Goldman. And sadly to say, he smelled it. I had dealt it.

[Robert Smigel]

You know, you're all ready. Stop it for a second.

[Dave Attell]

It's not funny.

[Robert Smigel]

So you're already going. You're already going rogue.

[David Feldman]

Off book.

[Robert Smigel]

Yeah, yeah, you're off book. You didn't. You're doing smelted Delta jokes.

[David Feldman]

Yeah, we would never know.

[Robert Smigel]

This is. Dino wrote moral oral. David Tell's the leading comedian in the country.

[Dave Attell]

I've.

[Robert Smigel]

Well, okay, I've done poop jokes, but I should.

[Dave Attell]

I should have broken to song Dino,

[Robert Smigel]

but okay, you made your choice. You're the one up there. That's what Conan used to say to me. So, you know, I have to defer to you. Let's keep going.

[Dave Attell]

Well, now I go into my A material, and he basically said, what, did you take a big dump? You know, in the way he does, you know. Yeah, he's like. He's like, we're gonna have to demolish the whole building.

[Robert Smigel]

Yeah, it seems like you already did.

[Dave Attell]

Yeah, man, I already blew up her party.

[Robert Smigel]

See what you've done?

[Dave Attell]

Stop.

[Robert Smigel]

Again. See what you've done? Smelt it Delta. You've already lowered the bar so much that they think those are funny lines.

[David Feldman]

Yeah, our intellectual humor is not going to work.

[Robert Smigel]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's gonna go.

[David Feldman]

Intellectual poop humor.

[Dave Attell]

I have to read this to you. I'm glad we're all here for everybody. The faculty.

[Robert Smigel]

Oh, my God.

[Kevin (Caller)]

Just.

[Dave Attell]

Sorry.

[Robert Smigel]

Stop it. Again. Oh. Oh.

[Chuck Bryant]

Oh.

[Robert Smigel]

Jesus Christ. Look at these people. This is an acting school. Everybody's.

[David Feldman]

Oh, this guy. What? Why is he so alone? The saddest, saddest Christmas party.

[Robert Smigel]

Is he part of the school or

[David Feldman]

is he in another building?

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

He's a person of interest.

[Robert Smigel]

Yeah.

[Dave Attell]

This the FBI, Stat.

[Robert Smigel]

Okay, okay, let's move on.

[Dave Attell]

You deserve it.

[Robert Smigel]

Thank you.

[Dave Attell]

To whom it may have made you faint. Okay, the concept that I am alone in the act of having ever found a restroom with my intestinal pong seems a little far fetched. But be that as it may, I am beseeching all of you to rethink ridiculing me about this extremely natural, natural bodily occurrence. Apart from the term big dumper, or the matter economical big dump, as you like to call me.

[Robert Smigel]

So far, the biggest laugh is just repeating for me.

[Dave Attell]

Mike comes from a blatant lack of creativity and imagination. I mean, surely you could have came up with something more clever like duple still skin or maybe a stinky Tuscadero. Remember Happy Days?

[John Green]

It's hard, suffocating.

[Dave Attell]

Yeah, yeah, I'm not that.

[Robert Smigel]

What did he say? Stop for a second. Oh, he said it's hard when you're suffocating. Okay, so this guy's.

[David Feldman]

This feels like a porn movie to me a little bit.

[Dave Attell]

It's got.

[David Feldman]

Got that kind of acting vibe.

[Dave Attell]

Look, although it has been heartwarming that my feal mishap has brought you all together in sweet camaraderie, I have personal reasons for objecting to the nickname. Fact is, my dear father. You guys didn't know this? My dear father was called Big Dumper

[Robert Smigel]

back when he Vietnam.

[Dave Attell]

He was a war hero, my friend, for dropping precision bombs on the enemy all over the place. Strangely enough, that was the battle of Ting.

[Robert Smigel]

Okay,

[David Feldman]

off book.

[Robert Smigel]

That's off book. That's. We wouldn't write a joke like that. Sounds like it got groans.

[David Feldman]

I mean, why did you come to us if you're going to write your own jokes?

[Robert Smigel]

You're going to write shit team. If you think he's killing. You feel differently about this. I can tell.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Well, what I like is, first of all, one flannel shirt away from my dick. Sporting goods three so far.

[Robert Smigel]

Okay, moving on.

[Dave Attell]

I never got credit for wiping out. Wiping down everything afterwards. You think I smelled? You think it smelled bad? You should have seen that toilet. And yet no one. No one talks about how spotless that bowl was.

[David Feldman]

Can you even tell?

[Dave Attell]

Despite the paralyzing stench, some of my critics have questioned why I did not courtesy fudge. Look, I don't want to toot my own horn. Emergency signal.

[David Feldman]

You already did that. Stop it. For God's sake, stop it.

[Robert Smigel]

Okay, well, see, now you have to understand what the audience we're dealing with. I know he says toot my own horn. Instead of giving him credit for the clever play on words. The guy thinks he's gonna make a play on words.

[David Feldman]

Yeah, yeah, this is.

[Robert Smigel]

And the whole audience is equally one step behind. Hey, yeah.

[David Feldman]

Too my own word.

[Robert Smigel]

You just did, man. Motherfucker got you. You shouldn't have said. Said to my own horn.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

What I liked is when you threw the first page of your manifesto down and everybody was looking like, oh, I can't bend to pick that up.

[David Feldman]

Really?

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

They're elect. I. I can't do that.

[Dave Attell]

Can I make it a point to never courtesy flush? Because I want to conserve water here in the desert. I am saving the planet. Then listen. Now, did anyone name Amy Greta Skunkberg? No, I never went to Greta Skunkburg. How dare you?

[David Feldman]

How dare you?

[Dave Attell]

I should not even be up here right now. I should be living my own childhood.

[David Feldman]

No one's making you, Kevin. You're. You're an acting teacher, okay?

[Dave Attell]

Yes, Dave, I am.

[David Feldman]

Keep rolling.

[Robert Smigel]

No, it's one of those. He's a do as I say, not as I do acting.

[David Feldman]

Right.

[Paul Verzi]

Killing it.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Did you see the guy in the red flannel? The Breaking Bad guy? He loved it. You killed him. You got him.

[David Feldman]

I've never seen Dave this positive before.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

You know what this is missing. Can I say it, Robert, Right now, the only thing that's missing right now is something that says meanwhile on the other side of town. And then, like, a more exciting thing

[Robert Smigel]

is happening meanwhile on every other part of town.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Meanwhile in Reno.

[Dave Attell]

Yeah.

[Kevin (Caller)]

Okay.

[Robert Smigel]

All right.

[Dave Attell]

And is anyone willing to bring up that I have regular stools?

[Robert Smigel]

I know you have regular stools. I smelled them before.

[David Feldman]

Okay, hold on, Pete. Wait. Pause.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

He didn't have an iPad.

[David Feldman]

Is this a costume?

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Is this like a kill bill? Look.

[David Feldman]

What's her. What's her story?

[Robert Smigel]

Kevin, this is what? Just listening. This is a lady in a Santa outfit. Attractive blonde lady in a Santa outfit.

[David Feldman]

She's got a single eye. What now what. What is her story?

[Robert Smigel]

Seriously, does she have one eye or is that a costume? No, she.

[Frank Smiley]

She is. She has one eye.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Yeah. Did you made sure.

[Dave Attell]

Right.

[David Feldman]

Because of me.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

First of all, I think you got your point across on the first page, but the second page is really digging the knife deeper. So continue.

[Dave Attell]

And an acting school here. I'm surprised no one understands my bathroom

[David Feldman]

incident could be construed as I'm quitting.

[Dave Attell]

I mean, consider me going into this room.

[David Feldman]

Yep.

[Dave Attell]

Doing my business and flushing the toilets and saying.

[Robert Smigel]

So you totally.

[Frank Smiley]

Totally.

[Robert Smigel]

Stop the tape. I'm sorry, Dave. Sorry, D, but the whole joke there was my bathroom incident is construed as a form of method acting. And then you just jump to I flush and say scene. The whole joke was, I've literally pulled something from deep inside me, then push that something out from deep inside me. Like all, you know, highfalutin method acting terms.

[David Feldman]

Terms.

[Robert Smigel]

You decided to cross that out. Tell us your thought process.

[Dave Attell]

I guess it was just trying to do some condensing, a little bit of constipation there.

[David Feldman]

You know, we could edit later. You know, you could. You could always edit later.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

I'm Just gonna say right now, and I don't want to trigger anybody, but this better end with you on the floor. Honestly, after all this, to just keep talking about it and not do it right in front of them.

[Robert Smigel]

I mean, if you're going rogue, go rogue the right way.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

I think you can see the look on the woman whose back of the head we've seen for 10 minutes. His face.

[Robert Smigel]

Yeah, that other woman's gonna grow an eyeball. This is going okay.

[Dave Attell]

Dare I say, the grief of this matter has led me to consider the harsher measures to stop the ridicule. And I don't want to go there there, because, you know, I will. I will tear up, and then I'll end up having, like, tanjori chicken or curried lamb, and then this whole thing is gonna start all over again, and you're gonna call the National Guard on me just to clean up the whole mess. We don't want that. But the truth. I'd rather settle this piece of me.

[Robert Smigel]

So you really like playing emotional? You like. You like going to acting teacher, folks? Acting teacher to crying. Yeah, he likes doing it because you sacrificed. That was one of our biggest jokes, was that you were gonna threaten them. Yeah, that whole section was like. You heard me.

[David Feldman]

Completely.

[Robert Smigel]

I will. Big again. You know, wrong emotion. Damn it. I'll ingest that foreign garbage and let it fly if I have to. It was all that kind of language, and then the National Guard was like. Like a threat. The shit's going to be so toxic that they'll bring in the National Guard to Las Vegas after some dirty French foie gras has traveled through my innards.

[David Feldman]

But you skipped all that.

[Robert Smigel]

Yes, he skipped it. I'm a potential serial dumper.

[David Feldman]

We're going to nickname you Skippy.

[Robert Smigel]

Big Skippy.

[David Feldman]

Big Skippy.

[Robert Smigel]

Skippy the Rogue. All right, onward.

[Dave Attell]

But please understand, I've done everything I can for the theater. I had a show on iHeart. I played a zebra. I've worked my way up in the acting world. And just think that this is very disrespectful to a man of my pedigree. I mean, I have a Wikipedia page back to you. And with this incident getting out, I don't want it to be called Wikipedia. Self defecating.

[Robert Smigel]

They went for the pun, Michaels. Yeah, Wait, there's a little bit. There's more here. Normally, I would fire you, but you already fired one out in the toilet, so. Kevin, bring it in. You can in my pot anytime you want to.

[Frank Smiley]

What?

[John Green]

Hold it.

[Dave Attell]

Did you even get me A Christmas present.

[Robert Smigel]

You know I did.

[Dave Attell]

All right. Get the Christmas present. Maybe I'll, Maybe I'll consider.

[Robert Smigel]

Okay, he's. He's going to get. His boss is presenting him with a Christmas present. It's clearly a plunger. Okay, clean up after yourself again. Wait a minute. So

[David Feldman]

what could it be?

[Robert Smigel]

Pretending that you didn't know what this was. Okay, you're going full beta now.

[David Feldman]

Now, something tells me that boss knew you were going to read this. I mean, why, why would he have that?

[Robert Smigel]

This whole thing a setup.

[David Feldman]

I think this whole thing's a setup.

[Robert Smigel]

I think there's no acting school.

[David Feldman]

This all smells prefabricated to me.

[Dave Attell]

Now, those are real high fives.

[Robert Smigel]

Those are real high fives.

[David Feldman]

But the high fives are the only real thing here.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

It has all the joy of the Special Olympics.

[Robert Smigel]

I don't know what to think. Like, on the one hand, the show is supposed to help people be funny now, but the purpose of being funny is to win over the people you're trying to charm. So the question is, did he succeed? Now, he wasn't funny, but we see people celebrating him, hugging him, applauding for

[David Feldman]

him, playing for the camera.

[Robert Smigel]

Did he. Are they are. Is it sincere? Let's, let's, let's get a little real here, if it's possible.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

All right?

[David Feldman]

Yeah.

[Robert Smigel]

Okay. The boss clearly knew that you were gonna do something. Maybe he didn't know the speech or did he?

[Dave Attell]

No, he didn't. He didn't know I was going to interrupt him.

[Robert Smigel]

But he gave you.

[Dave Attell]

He didn't know I was going to interrupt him. But I do things like this. That's. I'm, I'm sort of a mascot or a.

[Robert Smigel]

Why would he give you a plunger on his own if he didn't know you were going to say something about.

[Dave Attell]

Because I've been big dump all year.

[Robert Smigel]

So he's cruelly. Without even you having a voice.

[Dave Attell]

And it would really bit out of nowhere. But what we didn't show in the clip is that he fired me after this.

[Robert Smigel]

No, he did.

[Dave Attell]

That's, that's the suspenseful ending.

[Robert Smigel]

You talk, he says he doesn't fire you in the clip.

[Dave Attell]

No, he's right. He fired me.

[Kevin (Caller)]

Me.

[Dave Attell]

So that's why I need you guys. Help.

[David Feldman]

Yeah, you're out of there. That's perfect. Well, we did our job. So. Is that true, Frank? Frank, did he really?

[Frank Smiley]

I, no, I, I, I don't believe that's true. I, I don't believe that's true.

[David Feldman]

Right.

[Robert Smigel]

We're trying to decide if we've succeeded or not.

[David Feldman]

We're trying to get to the truth. Kevin, trying to cut. Skippy. We're trying to get to the truth.

[Frank Smiley]

It felt like everybody was in on it, and everybody knew something was going on. It was no real Christmas party. It was sort of fabricated. Right?

[David Feldman]

That's what I felt.

[Frank Smiley]

Yeah.

[Robert Smigel]

I think the whole party was fabricated.

[David Feldman]

That's what I feel.

[Frank Smiley]

I think so. Yeah. They don't usually have a Christmas party. It was sort of set up for us, and everybody thought this was their big ticket out of Vegas.

[David Feldman]

That's how I felt.

[Chuck Bryant]

Yeah.

[Frank Smiley]

And actually, they thought I was a Hollywood hotshot.

[Dave Attell]

Frank went deep undercover on this one.

[Frank Smiley]

I mean, that felt like a acting class at a VA hospital.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Well, if he did fire you, then we should get together on this, and you should open up an acting school right across the street. I think half that class, at least the ones that could walk, would go over the other people. You showed the class who's the real boss at that studio. So I still give you A plus.

[Dave Attell]

Thank you very much. What are the other judges have to say?

[David Feldman]

I feel like it was all faked. Really?

[Frank Smiley]

Yeah. You.

[Robert Smigel]

So that's an incomplete.

[David Feldman]

Yep. I. I feel like it's nothing. Yeah. You wasted our time.

[Frank Smiley]

I don't even think you. In this toilet.

[Paul Verzi]

Wow.

[David Feldman]

Yeah, I. I agree.

[Robert Smigel]

You take a. Right now.

[David Feldman]

I don't think you.

[Robert Smigel]

I don't think you can take a.

[David Feldman]

You do have an.

[Dave Attell]

I don't even have an.

[David Feldman]

Are you now or have you ever been someone who.

[Dave Attell]

Well, Senator, I'm gonna have to take the fifth on that one.

[David Feldman]

Let's get out of here. Let's get out of here.

[Robert Smigel]

The good thing is, if I'm to tell the truth. Yes, Kevin, it's fine. Whatever the truth is. We just want to know the truth.

[David Feldman]

Yeah.

[Robert Smigel]

There's no wrong answer here.

[Dave Attell]

Okay, Robert, it was. It was a setup, but he didn't appreciate it. And now I cannot go back there. And that is the truth.

[David Feldman]

You can't go back.

[Dave Attell]

I can't go back there. So I. I need the help of social media or something. Or Frank can call them. I don't know.

[Robert Smigel]

Well, you can come on another episode and we can help you. What with your job application?

[David Feldman]

Absolutely not.

[Robert Smigel]

Well, not you. I'll get, like, you know, Nick Swardson or somebody.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Two words.

[Robert Smigel]

There's a lot of comedians who don't have lives. You're not the only. You're not special. Dino.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

In two words, you haul. It's time for you to move out. Of Vegas. That sounds too small for you. It's time to move bigger, better place.

[Dave Attell]

Back to New York. Dave, will you book me at the Comedy Cell? Sure.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

You can come to New York after that performance or keep going. How about London? What do you think? I think you're ready for the big stage.

[Robert Smigel]

I think Carson City. I think. You know somewhere you can drive to. Don't. Don't spend too much money on travel.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

I could see you giving a tour of a haunted silver mine. I see you being mayor of a ghost town.

[Robert Smigel]

I like that.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Never been to a ghost town with an acting studio. Now that would be something.

[Robert Smigel]

By I heart, Dave. I'm terribly sorry. So just to be clear, what was set up exactly?

[Dave Attell]

Boss knew I was going to interrupt him, but he didn't know what I was going to say. He's never seen the pages, but he

[Robert Smigel]

knew it was going to be about shitting.

[Dave Attell]

He knew it was going to be about shitting because he's been. He's been doing this bit with me for a long time.

[Robert Smigel]

Right.

[Kevin (Caller)]

And.

[Dave Attell]

Yes. So I'm coming clean.

[Daniel Alarcon]

He didn't.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

He was jealous of you for the minute you opened your mouth.

[Yamaneika Saunders]

Mouth.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

This guy taking over my house?

[Robert Smigel]

Yeah, this guy who only weighs 199 pounds.

[Frank Smiley]

How did you get the news that you were fired?

[Dave Attell]

He made a joke.

[David Feldman]

He said, you're not firing me.

[Dave Attell]

And then he tried to say just kidding. But then he sent me an email. I can copy you.

[Robert Smigel]

Okay, so we got our first person fired on this show.

[David Feldman]

That's fantastic.

[Robert Smigel]

So we have to take this even further, but even more money and time into it.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

We should fly out there. What do you guys think?

[Robert Smigel]

How can we sink more money into this? I mean, you should go back and let everyone know you were fired for your speech.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

If that's put a rattlesnake in the

[David Feldman]

toilet, I don't believe he was fired.

[Dave Attell]

But anyway, I'll be trespassing. But maybe, maybe in social media land they can help me after this airs.

[David Feldman]

Frank, do you believe he was fired?

[Frank Smiley]

No, absolutely not. I don't believe a word he says.

[Kevin (Caller)]

Me neither.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

I mean, thank you, Frank.

[Dave Attell]

Appreciate that.

[Frank Smiley]

No problem.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

In this economy, finding another three figure job is pretty tough. But. I mean, honestly, with his skill set though, it shouldn't take too long though.

[Robert Smigel]

I think you can walk back into the building and say you left your rubber band for your man bun or something. Something.

[David Feldman]

Yeah.

[Robert Smigel]

Accidentally left something.

[Dave Attell]

And then do you think I should cut it off?

[Frank Smiley]

Robert, I. I don't even think it's a Real man bun. I think it's a clip on.

[David Feldman]

I don't believe anything. That's not a real nose. Those eyes are fake. You're a hologram. God damn it.

[Robert Smigel]

All right.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Well, all right.

[Robert Smigel]

Best of luck to you and your life, whatever it is.

[Chuck Bryant]

Yeah.

[Frank Smiley]

Thanks for bamboozling us.

[Robert Smigel]

Thanks for what? Bamboozling us.

[David Feldman]

Yeah.

[Frank Smiley]

Yes. Thanks for the bamboozle.

[David Feldman]

Bamboozle.

[Frank Smiley]

That's got Dave Patel, we've got Robert Smigel, Dino Stematopoulos.

[David Feldman]

No life.

[Frank Smiley]

You know, more no life. And. And you wasted our podcast episode.

[David Feldman]

You wasted my no life.

[Robert Smigel]

I had a great winner.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Here is the Zoom Company.

[David Feldman]

I have nothing to do and I'm mad at you.

[Dave Attell]

You.

[Robert Smigel]

Thanks, Kevin.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Kevin.

[Robert Smigel]

Thanks, everybody. See you next time. Humor Me with Robert Smigel and Friends is a production of I Heart Media and Big Money Players, created by Michelle Sack Smile, who executive produces with her loving husband Rob. Produced by Frank Stinky Smiley, executive producer for I Heart Jana Cagle. Video producer Daniel Goodman. Additional material by David Cyrus, David Feldman, Hannah Feldman, edited by Robert Ash. The music by Stephen Gold, sung by America's leading Bruce Springsteen impersonator, Robert L. Poopstein. Don't forget to subscribe and follow to get new episodes of Humor Me each week. And while you're there, rate and review the show. That is, if you liked it. If you didn't, this conversation never happened. And we'll see you next week. Holy smokes, this is big. You know the podcast? I do that. You heard right. Humor Me with Robert Smigel and Friends. Well, now you can see it. See it with your own eyes. Watch all your favorite podcasts, full episodes from start to finish, free in the iHeart app. Hey, Jonas. Las Culturistas. Post Run High. All of them in the iHeart app for free. You've heard the voices, now see the moments. I didn't write that iHeart app free.

[Yamaneika Saunders]

Can superstars even exist the way they used to?

[Robert Smigel]

2016 was sort of that last era of monoculture where we still consume things in community.

[Yamaneika Saunders]

Everybody wanted to be Beyonce at that point.

[Dino Stamatopoulos]

Ugh.

[Robert Smigel]

I don't think we'll ever see another Rihanna.

[Yamaneika Saunders]

What does it mean to be black and eat in America? You will never make me feel bad for being a black girl. For being a black American girl ever. From music to food to the conversations shaping black culture. Right now, Therapy for black Girls is bringing it all to the mic. Listen to Therapy for black Girls on the Iheartra radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast.

[Michael Rapaport]

This is Michael Rapaport and my podcast the I Am Rappaport Stereo podcast is unlike any one you've ever heard. If you're looking for strong opinions about sports, entertainment, politics, pop culture and whatever else catches my attention, then subscribe now. This kid Jafar Jackson should absolutely, positively get nominated for his portrayal as Michael Jackson. Listen to I Am rapoport on the iHeartRadio as app Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcast.

[Chuck Bryant]

Hey, this is Chuck from Stuff youf Should Know and we're submitting our most sciency episodes for your peer review with our new Stuff you should know. Doing Science playlist out now. You want to know about Occam's Razor? The simplest explanation is usually the right one. We got you covered. Wondered what chaos theory is ever since the first time you saw Jurassic Park? Well, come on down. So distill a nice pot of tea, everybody. Turn down the gas on your Bunsen Burger corner and slip into your most comfortable lab coat and listen to the stuff you should know. Doing Science Playlist on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts.

[Yamaneika Saunders]

This is an I heart podcast. Guaranteed human.